AKA "Sport"
Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, May 3, 2005
12:00 PM
* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in The Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.
He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.
He'll chat about anything.
Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .
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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.
For the second consecutive week, and probably not again for a while, I want to share some of my correspondence. You may recall that my column last Sunday created a living will, and indicated how I didn't wish to be resuscitated or fed if I became permanently incapacitated. It ended with a joke about how, if it became necessary to end my life, I wanted not to be starved to death but to be lovingly asphyxiated by a buxom honey-blond nurse.
I was not surprised that the column offended conservatives and right-to-life activists, but was dumbfounded to learn that it also raised the ire of nurses. It was apparently flogging a stereotype I hadn't known existed, and I expressed my bemused surprise, and my joyful apology, here last week. Subsequently, I received many more letters from nurses, to which I responded, and we had a great time, back and forth, discussing the issue with humor. However, in the last few days my mail on the subject, from nurses, has intensified; apparently my column was posted on a national nursing website.
So, I sent this letter out to many people in the last few days:
Dear Ms. xxxxxx:
I am writing in response to your funny, acerbic, excellent letter of April 30, and to inform you of an astonishing, newsworthy coincidence. I received, today, twenty-six other letters, also from nurses or nursing students, that were IDENTICAL to yours in every way; I swear to you, though I know this seems impossible, that these letters contained the identical wording and punctuation, explaining to me in identical sentences and phrases, in the identical order, what a mentally enfeebled moron I am for having written the column I did. Some even sent their letter several times, so fervent and heartfelt and deeply personal were their sentiments.
I admit that my initial thought was that this was some sort of sleazy, ham-handed, coordinated letter-writing campaign. But I swiftly dismissed these thoughts for being uncharitable. It is obviously unthinkable that licensed nurses -- members of a profession I hold in high regard -- would be so morally bankrupt, and lazy, that they would submit AS THEIR OWN WORK letters they had not written, in a shabby effort to gin up a bogus groundswell of indignant response to my column. I knew it was inconceivable that nurses would do something so dishonest and reprehensible and slothful; indeed, such behavior would suggest that members of your profession have far less self-respect, and far lower moral values, than the comparatively benign image of nurse-as-sex-kitten that I jokingly referenced in my column.
Knowing this was impossible, given the high value your profession places on ethics and individual accountability and hard work, I realized this must be one of the greatest coincidences in the history of the written word. It simply must be acknowledged in print. Therefore, please get back to me and tell me what day you might be free -- as I would like to interview you and the others about this astounding event. Compliments are in order all around, since your letter was truly well-written and funny. You must be proud of your talent and skill, and deservedly so.
With admiration,
Gene Weingarten
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Please take today's poll. It's a different sort of poll in that not only do I declare that there are "right" answers, but, in fact, there are INDISPUTABLY right answers for all but the first question. As always, I will explicate, midway through the chat.
I think we would all agree that we must censure today's Candorville for shocking lassitude. If you are going to steal a joke, at least steal a good one. And I must refer you to Sunday's B.C. In many ways, it is the single stupidest religion column Hart has done!
The comics this week were good, and the ones that truly shone were unexpected. Comic Pick of the Week goes to Sunday's Out of the Gene Pool, for a truly funny idea. The runners-up are Sunday's Sherman's Lagoon and Wednesday's Pearls.
Okay, let's go.
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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week: Out of the Gene Pool , ( May 1 )
Runners Up: Pearls Before Swine ( April 28 ), Sherman's Lagoon ( May 1 )
Also Mentioned: Candorville ( May 3 ), B.C. ( May 1 )
Below the Beltway: Weingarten, Unplugged , ( Post Magazine, April 24 )
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Boating Thames: Jerome was an American humorist?!
Gene Weingarten: Good point. I misspoke. He was born in England, lived much of his life there. Oddly, he was considered an "American-style" essayist (often compared with Twain and others) and sold as well or better here as in Britain.
But not an American. Sorry.
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Funny husba, nd: In my experience, very few married couples are equally funny. But that doesn't stop the less-funny spouse from trying to get laughs. And if one of her lines falls flat, the kids are quick to remind her that "Dad is the funny one." From the coverage, it appears Laura Bush has been the funny one all along in that relationship. Is Mrs. Weingarten also secretly funny, but allowing you to have the spotlight?
Gene Weingarten: Um, listen. I actually am delighted Laura did that laugh fest, because I like to see humor used in politics, since it is always a little risky and daring, and happens so infrequently. But let us not confuse the event with the personalities. Laura Bush may be funny, personally, or she may not. There is no way to know based on this episode alone. We may conclude only that some reasonably good jokes were written for her as part of a clearly scripted effort to gin up some sympathy for a president who is having some severe public approval problems of late. It was all carefully staged.
My wife is extremely funny, but her sense of humor is completely different from mine. She doesn't read the comics, doesn't like "jokes" all that much, isn't particularly amused by standup, even good standup. But she has a great sense of situational humor, sees hilarious ironies where I miss them, unerringly identifies hypocrisy and punctures it with magnifient archness, and is the single greatest shopper for wet-your-pants kitsch I have ever known.
She is also an extremely demanding reader of my column. I consider it a huge achievement if she pronounces one "pretty good."
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Laurel, Md.: I have a small collection of humor anthologies, and almost all the old stuff is unreadable.
That's why, to my mind, the fact that Jerome K. Jerome, say, is enjoyable today says a lot more about how good he is than the fact that I laugh out loud more at Dave Barry than at Jerome says about how good Barry is.
Gene Weingarten: I agree with this! I just tried to read a Perelman collection. Very hard to wade through!
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Iowa: How was your visit to Mr. Achenbach's class last week? Did it give you hope for the future? Was this a professional "courtesy" visit or do columnists normally tend to hang out with each other?
washingtonpost.com: Special Report from LOL Intern Phil Who Is In Achenbach's Class: We learned that Achenbach owes EVERYTHING to Gene. He told us to read Lolita and avoid J-school because they teach you how to be an awful, unadventurous writer.
Gene Weingarten: True enough. I did say that.
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Beltsville, Md.: I've been home sick for five days now -- aches, mucus membranes in overload, the whole bit. But today I developed a very strange symptom: the soles of my feet are really itchy. What does that mean?
Gene Weingarten: Ooh, interesting. Doctors would not say that you have itchy soles. They would say that you have transient pruritus of the plantar surface. Isn't that cool?
Happily, from a hypochondriac's standpoinit, LOCALIZED itching is seldom serious, and that is probably the case for you. (It's when you itch all over that several dire possibilities come to mind, including various major-organ cancers, and something really bad called mycosis fungoides. You're probably fine: Sebborhea, athlete's foot, dermatitis, ringworm, etc. Undoubtedly unrelated to your cold. But, if you insist on worrying, there is one serious disease that occasionally presents as foot itching: Hodgkins Disease. You'd probably also be having swollen lymph glands in your neck, occasional fever, and night sweats. Hey, maybe I've just given you the night sweats, though!
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Columbia, Md.: So you're traveling up 95 North during the early part of rush hour. Traffic is moving along nicely until you get up close to Route 100. Then suddenly it comes to a screeching halt. The culprit? It's not an accident, a police speed trap, or even a poor soul stuck changing a tire on the side of the road. It's that stupid, giant highway message board! Does this qualify as irony, at least in the Alanis Morrisette version of the word? I mean, they put in a sign to serve as a traffic alert, but thanks to the fifth grade reading level of the average driver, folks slow down to about 10 mph so they can read all seven words. "Congestion. 95 North near tunnel. Expect delays." It's the same basic message every day. Why don't they just put up something like "Sun expected to rise tomorrow" or "Bin Laden still at large." The only other purpose for those stupid signs is the occasional Amber Alert, which really befuddles the masses. On those rare days, traffic almost comes to a standstill as a bunch of clueless drivers try to figure out if an Amber Alert means there is a heightened chance for forest fires, or if it represents one of the scarier levels on the Homeland Security terrorist threat scale. Is it asking too much to just leave the sign blank unless there is some really serious traffic situation? You know, something of the overturned-tractor-trailer-blocking-three-lanes variety. Uh, should I be bothering Dr. Gridlock this?
Gene Weingarten: Yes.
Observation: This could ONLY have been written by a man. I would stake a paycheck on it.
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SuperFre, AK: So in your "Snowbound" chat yesterday, somebody started their praise of your "serious" journalism by saying, "I have always been amused by your frat boy shtick." My first question is, has this person even SEEN a picture of you? Because "frat boy" is pretty much the last thing I think of when I see your face. That's not a bad thing, I'm the same way, I'm just asking.
This person then goes on to say that you are cheating yourself by doing any less than what you did in that article (which was great, by the way). My second question is, when are people going to realize that those of us men who make a point of being immature well into our adulthood do that ON PURPOSE? Maybe we think maturity is overrated. Maybe we think the inherent cruelty of life is only handled by a celebration of the absurd.
Or perhaps the questioner is just wound too damn tight, and needs a few yuks. Jeez.
Gene Weingarten: For the umpteenth time, one of my favorite quotes, from Dave Barry:
"A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which you realize you are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how you release your anxiety about this."
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quick ha, ND: Gene,
Try this link: Biergarten von Oberbayern
It's timed so you only play for 90 seconds. I got 705!
Gene Weingarten: I feel midly guilty. This had me laughing for the full 90 seconds. 295.
Gene Weingarten: I mean, "mildly" guilty.
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Engineering Supergeni, US: So we don't get to see the miraculous letter(s) from the nurses?
Gene Weingarten: Actually, sure. Here it is. It was writ, I later learned, by one Sandy Summers, head of the organization. And it IS good.
Dear Mr. Weingarten:
I read your column in the April 24th edition of the Washington Post which issues a mock list of the circumstances under which you would decline to be kept alive with "extraordinary measures." You asked that, following any removal of your feeding tube, you be "lovingly asphyxiated by a buxom honey-blonde nurse in a short skirt and one of those cute little caps." This comment and others suggest that you are already in a persistent vegetative state. Of course, I would not presume to offer a definitive evaluation at this distance, but I would urge your family to consult their nurse practitioner immediately.
Several items in the column suggest that you have the kind of cognitive issues that you might associate with advanced age. You say that you would not want heroic measures if the Supreme Court "extended its revocation of Roe v. Wade" to protect "the rights of sperm," an incoherent remark that suggests you do not even understand the Court well enough to make fun of it--not exactly a demanding standard. You would also want no heroic measures if at the time of your incapacitation "classic rock stations are still playing ABBA, Green Day or Ace of Base." None of these bands plays "classic rock." Green Day is an alternative/punk band whose major work began in the mid-1990's. ABBA and Ace of Base are Swedish disco-pop artists.
But my main concern about your mental status stems from the "honey-blonde nurse" comment. First, analysis of the comment strongly suggests that you have actually used the word "buxom," without apparent irony, in 2005. In addition, discussion of today's nurses wearing "short skirts" and "cute little caps" indicates that you inhabit a dangerous dream world, rather than the dangerous real one the rest of us live in. Of course, real nurses are serious, highly trained professionals who save lives and improve patient outcomes every day. I can't claim they all dress as professionally as some might like, but you would have difficulty finding one that meets your fevered frat boy description. Of course, there are always the models of " naughty nurse " lingerie.
And what's wrong with your joking that nurses are sexual objects? You have apparently made a good living publishing views of women that are likely to, if not calculated to, annoy women. Indeed, in promoting your 2004 book I'm with Stupid, the publisher described you as "gleefully misogynistic." It's all in good fun, right? Women need to lighten up--especially if, as you suggest is true of many 18-year-old "girls" these days, they're really fat. (Male obesity, on the other hand, does not seem to trouble you.)
The problem is that linking sexual images so closely to the profession of nursing--to even the fantasy idea that working nurses are sexually available to patients--reinforces long-standing stereotypes of nurses. Those stereotypes continue to discourage practicing and potential nurses (especially men), foster sexual violence in the workplace, and contribute to a general atmosphere of disrespect. That in turn robs the profession of the resources it needs to fight rampant short-staffing and a critical shortage that has taken thousands of lives worldwide. Desexualizing the nursing image is a key part of building the strength the profession needs to meet the challenges of 21st Century health care. (See more information on the "naughty nurse" image here )
Regressive ignorance aside, there is another possible explanation for your nurse comment. Perhaps you have actually seen first-hand the effects of the global nursing shortage. When nurses are so short-staffed that patients linger in pain and at risk for hours, I can imagine why you might start having fantasies of nurse-erotic asphyxiation. Indeed, if the nursing crisis spirals further out of control, if we continue to mouth empty platitudes about how noble nursing is while starving it of basic resources, some might argue that nurses should put many more patients out of their misery, which might at least make the current care rationing system more honest and humane. (See what the reaction to the nursing crisis really should be)
In any case, I hope that your comments on nurses, which may be merely the result of involuntary neurological spasms, cease quickly. Then you can return to what I assume are your private viewing booth fantasies of young, half-dressed hotties, perhaps dancing to some "classic rock" favorites: "Oooo... see that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen!"
I strongly urge you to issue a public apology to the nursing profession in your next column. Please be part of the solution to the shortage. Help us improve public understanding of nursing at this critical time.
Thank you,
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College Park, Md.: So how come we can't call into you and hear your voice in real time? Is Marc Fisher really that great of an orator while you would be shamed by your voice?
Gene Weingarten: Have you HEARD my voice? I sound like a man tragically born with a harmonica up my nose.
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Capitol Hi, IL: Gene: Loved your response letter. As a worker in a Congressional office that receives idiotic, identical letters from "constituents" who want to share "their views" with their congressman, I wish we could send such a response back to them. Alas, desire to be re-elected precludes such a response.
Gene Weingarten: I know. I have a great job.
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Undergarmen, TS: Gene -- I don't know who else to ask... my mother is deceased and she never told me how to handle this situation, so I turn to you and you infinite wisdom about all things underwear.
I learned from your chats that I need to wear a skin-toned bra under a white shirt (as I am today!)
However, do I use the same principle with white pants and skin-toned underwear? I have a cute pair of white crop pants and I can't wear them until I know what to do about the undies... and please don't tell me not to wear any. My poor mother would roll over in her grave!
Thanks!
Gene Weingarten: See, this is the magic of the world of interactive chat. Madam, your question is currently being serious assessed by about ten thousand females. Can one of them weigh in here with the correct answer?
Yes, I deliberately said "assessed."
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Alexandria, Va.: I've learned today that "enigmous" is not a word. "Mystery" has "mysterious," but "enigma" has no adjective. Do you know how I can contact Webster to resolve this transgression?
washingtonpost.com: What about "ginormous?" Is that a real word? (Ex: Gene is a ginormous : a) star, b) pain in the butt, c) dog hater
Gene Weingarten: Yes, call Webster's immediately. Of course they will probably direct you to the word "enigmatic." And then you will feel the fool, won't you. But by all means, give it a shot!
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Gainesville, Va.: Your tantalizing hints in recent weeks about your battles with Tom the Butcher over your Alaska story naturally lead me (and other chatizens of yours, no doubt) to read the whole thing with an eye toward "What got cut/What got saved." And there, right in the first few paragraphs was the immortal phrase "walrus dicks." Score one for Geno! But that also raises (NOT begs!) the question: if Tom let that slide, what did he insist on taking out?
(Note: posting this question here rather than in the "official" Magazine story chat, since I'm guessing that that one will wind up being a more serious discussion of the various social pathologies in Savoonga)
Gene Weingarten: Stunningly, Tom proved a pretty good editor on this one. The ultimate decision on "walrus dicks" was of course his, and it required some elaborate cerebration. He reasoned as such:
1. It was essential to the humor of the line. Replacing it with a bracketed "penises" would have so killed the humor that the entire episode would have had to have been cut.
2. The episode was important, to advance the narrative.
3. The word was being used as a simple anatomical substitution, and not an epithet, and therefore carried no hostile or vulgar intent.
Now, I have to say that T the B showed some cojones here, because Point 3 might not have stood up to the STRONGEST scrutiny. (Imagine that it had been a female walrus, and that the guy had used the c-word. I don't think you would have seen that in print.)
Much of the rest of the editing was cutting lines that Tom contended were somewhat, um, overwritten. He contends I do this sometimes. It is a base and groundless calumny reeking of slanderous malevolence and drenched with the filthy, putrescent bile of jealousy.
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Eyeconta, CT: As serendipity would have it, I read your Sunday column immediately upon experiencing the exact opposite situation on my way into my office today.
I saw an attractive woman smiling at me -- she was backlit so I couldn't completely make out the features, but I thought it was an acquaintance. So, here I am flashing back a big smile and even starting to raise my hand to wave. Of course, right at that moment, I realized that it wasn't who I thought. Moreover, I recognized that she wasn't smiling at me, but was amused by something said to her on her cell phone.
So, now I'm stuck with my hand frozen about halfway into waving position with what must appear to be a stalking grin on my face. Unbelievably awkward.
So, not a question, but a comment: "Walrus dicks," has to be the greatest segue in the history of the written word.
Gene Weingarten: Nice. The contrapositive of my experience.
And yes, I think that is why T the B kept it in.
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Darw, In: I can't believe that "B.C." comic. As a developmental biologist, it really bugs me how much misunderstanding there is about evolution. In particular, as a Christian developmental biologist, I hate the false dichotomy between religion and science.
Sorry that this isn't funny (though neither was BC).
Gene Weingarten: I know. I figure that would tick off even the devoutly religious.
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Baltimore Md.: I assure you I have an appointment with a first rate gastroenterologist (whew! hard to type) on Monday, but what the heck, I'll ask Gene. About a week ago, I suddenly lost my appetite -- no hunger pangs. This was accompanied, for a couple of days, by a feeling of soreness at the bottom of my right ribs. That has abated, but the lack of appetite remains. There has not been any real pain, but there been some excess belching. Everything else is normal. Any ideas?
Gene Weingarten: Do you still have an appendix?
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Tenleytown, Washington, D.C.: Gene: Attended a performance by Kate Clinton last weekend at the Birchmere. She is very funny. She attracts a decidedly lesbian clientele, although her humor is more political than anything else. The audience was about 240 women and 10 us of guys. After the concert, the line to the women's room snaked down the hallway. There were three of us in the men's room, and after we exited, we informed the distaff line that the men's room was empty. No one moved. Why is that?
Gene Weingarten: I have no idea. My wife would have bolted that line in a second. Anyone?
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White pants/skirts/dresses, etc: YES! Flesh toned underpants is the way to go! Preferably something in the "seamless" line -- VPL is drastically increased in light colored pants.
Living in Ann Arbor, I have seen far too many scantily clad undergrads prancing around in white minis with aqua/pink/lime underpants. (I'm only 27, but sheesh!)
Unless, of course, your intention is to draw attention to your rear, in which case, the brighter the better, and patterned, too!
Gene Weingarten: Okay, I will accept this as definitive, unless anyone objects.
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Highway Ranter: Oh no Gene, I can assure you I (female) would have written that rant as well.
I've written to Dr. G to please address the morons on the eastbound Greenway who, instead of staying in their far left lane to go through the far left toll booth, blithely travel straight ahead to the second-from-far-left booth as if they were the only driver on the planet, as opposed to one of the helpless, fuming, six dollar a day paying (captive subjects no less) drivers on that joke they call a road.
I've been cut off many a time by these idiots. Dr. G never prints my messages and I swear the worse thing I say is either "moron" or "idiot."
So there.
Gene Weingarten: Oh, I have no doubt women can get frustrated by traffic, and are willing to express the frustration, etc. There was something very testosteroni about that.
Testosteroni! A very angry soup.
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Garfield: Okay, today's "Garfield" (where the first and third panels are exactly the same drawing) would have been funnier if you replaced with word "dog" with "cartoonist."
washingtonpost.com: Garfield , ( May 3 )
Gene Weingarten: You're right. You would have to make that substitution in both the second and third panel.
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Washington, D.C.: There's a public-affairs show on Michigan Public Television called "Off the Record." Does that make any sense?
Gene Weingarten: No. But here is a mildly interesting fact: I was once a guest on Off The Record. It was 1978, I was 27, working as a reporter for The Detroit Free Press. The moderator, Tim Skubick, invited me on to debate something or other. The end of that show was the moment I first realized I was not ever going to be a TV personality.
Interestingly, I see from the Web that Tim STILL IS the host of the show. This has to be one of the longest running hosterships ever.
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Alexandria, Va.: I liked your column. It was bemusing, but had no real point. Just like most of my stories.
You should write radio plays. I'll bet you could corner that market easily.
washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Train of Thought , ( Post Magazine, May 1 )
Gene Weingarten: Thank you, I think. But I disagree about having no real point. However funny it may or may not have been, I think it fairly well summarized the neurotic nature of courtship and male-female interaction. Richard Thompson sent me an email from which I here quote: "That pretty much described every social encounter I have."
Speaking of Richard, have any of you read "Richard's Poor Almanac," his new book of cartoons? I reread it last night. It's just stunningly good. (It also takes longer to read than any ordinary cartoon book, as you know if you are a fan of his Almanac, in Style. It kept me up past ordinary sleepynap time.)
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The poll: I couldn't really tell which one was written by a woman. Which speaks well of Ellen Goodman; most female humor is very girly.
Gene Weingarten: Most people apparently feel they know which was writ by a woman. Or they did, the last I checked the results.
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Slivered Spring, Md.: Could a female doctor be buxom? Would you get a prostate exam from a female doc?
Gene Weingarten: I ONCE HAD A PROSTATE EXAM FROM A FEMALE DOC! And yes, on some level it was less disturbing.
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Re: No appetite: Nah, he'd be dead by now if his appendix went kablooey last week. Is he going number two? I might probe for a bowel obstruction.
Gene Weingarten: I am hoping this is a doc.
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Guy in Wheaton, Md.: You're on the platform of the Red Line, at Metro Center. Your destination is Glenmont, the last stop in that direction. The train pulling into the station is marked Silver Spring, which is three stops earlier, where you would presumably exit the train, and wait for the next one to take you to the end.
Decision time: do you take that train and make the switch at Silver Spring? Do you wait for the next Glenmont-bound train outright? Which plan is more likely to get you to your destination in the shortest time, and why?
Gene Weingarten: I would make my decision based on how comfortable the train is. You would clearly get to your destination at the same time either way, since the next Glenmont-bound train is the one that will take you there.
Unless the train in the station is mislabeled. One additional reason to take it.
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Bathroom li, NE: Men cooties? Wet seats?
Gene Weingarten: Have you ever heard DeGeneres's schtick on wet seats in ladies' rooms? Apparently being in a ladies room is no guarantee. Which stuns me.
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Laurel, Md.: I used to work at GEICO. The "Good News" campaign is, by far, the most successful ad campaign they've done. You can't argue with success.
A funny sidenote that relates to your nurses thing. GEICO did an ad several years ago where a guy at a diner gets a sandwich with mayo on it, which he didn't want. He tells the waitress, who proceeds to wipe the piece of bread against the corner of the table to remove the mayonnaise before sticking it back on the sandwich. You would not believe the number of irate waitresses that contacted the company to complain about the fact that it gave waitresses a bad name, they would never do such a thing, it's an unappreciated profession, etc.
Gene Weingarten: I LOVED that ad. That was a brilliant ad. And yes, as i said last week, you can never ever appreciate whom you will offend. I never intended to offend nurses. I like and respect nurses.
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Anonymous: Hi, it's me, founder of the I (Heart( Gene club (or at least the first one to use that phrase in this forum). Anyway, Gene, I had costochondritis last winter and I think I have it again -- a little overzealous with the vacuum last night. What do you know about it? Is it a good reason not to go to the gym today? How long can I milk my roommates for sympathy?
Gene Weingarten: Hm. Chest pain from mild trauma, yes? I have no idea. In fact, maybe I am wrong and you will make fun of me. You are testing me.
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Chicago, Ill.: Hey Gene --
This is Matt Janz, creator of "Out of the Gene Pool." Glad to see that OGP finally made your comic pick of the week. If you only knew the deliberations my editor and I went through to get that strip finished, you'd appreciate it even more! Thanks for the mention!
I just know one of these days you'll pick a "zoogie" OGP strip for your favorite... I know you really love the little guy, right?
Gene Weingarten: Hey, Matt. Welcome.
If I am correct, your editor is my editor, right? Also the subject of my column on Sunday.
Well, I never discussed this with her, so don't know the backstory, or what it looked like before the scaffolding was removed.
I like your strip a lot.
As far as Zoogy the Bear, couldn't he die in some autoerotic hanging mistake?
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Pittsburgh, Pa.: Trust me Gene, the women's bathroom can be a most disgusting place. The wet seat phenomenon is due to women "hovering" over the seat while they pee. The "splash effect" then makes the seat wet, and women will not wipe the seat off -- I guess they are afraid of getting cooties from their own urine. There are other things that women fail to dispose of properly, but that's all I say about that.
Gene Weingarten: Right, that was Ellen's point, but, um, the geometry just doesn't seem right to me. Do you guys hover, like a FOOT over the seat?
I, too, will go no further here.
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Bethel, Alaska: Waqaa, hello Gene,
My family is from the Cup'ik Eskimo village of Chevak, a couple hundred miles south of Savoonga. We've had New York Times, National Geographic and Los Angeles Times reporters out here before, venturing out to our boardwalk villages to try and capture the flavor and reality of living in Alaska Native USA. They've been earnest and sincere, but none have captured the Native humor and pride amidst the despair and poverty they way have. There are many reasons as to why we suffer these crippling social pathologies as we toddle on the precipice of "assimilation." Westernization and proselytizing is an emasculating practice -- but hey, we make great Christians. So as we continue to live off the government dole, I hope that with your article along with others will inspire Americans with disposable incomes and political pull to push for more appropriate policy and funding under the federal trust responsibility in terms of health, social services and sustainable and culturally appropriate economic development. Before someone asks why we are your responsibility, well, we didn't ask to be yanked out of our ancient self-sustaining (yet harsh) way of life.. .this country has a long way to go to honor the promises and advantages for American Indians and Alaska Natives to be a part of these United States. Come back and visit us again sometime, we'd like to continue to humble you, make you laugh and cry but better yet, make you proud. Quyana, thank you for your visit and your story.
Gene Weingarten: Well, thank you for this.
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Baltimore, Md.: The guy with no appetite and no appendix again: everything is okay with my intestines, although they are much quieter than usual. I would say this loss of appetite is a great diet aid, but the problem is, I get suddenly lightheaded and realize, oh, I haven't eaten in six hours. But I also can't tell when I am full, either.
Gene Weingarten: Any internists out there want to make a stab, with no risk of malpractice?
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This is the Red Line Train...: Another factor that would enter in to my calculation would be the weather, since Silver Spring is an outdoor platform. If it was pouring, cold, or windy, I'd probably want to limit my time exposed to the elements at Silver Spring and wait for a Glenmont train.
Gene Weingarten: Good point.
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Rockville, Md.: I have to tell you Gene, you really disappointed me today. Which is saying a lot because I love your columns and chats.
I will not try to be funny or witty, because in this arena, you obviously best me and many others. But your comment about the nurses was offensive. It was offensive to their profession and also to women in general. I really don't buy your surprise at the fact that nurses were offended. I think that you are too smart for that.
So I think your tongue in cheek apology and ribbing at the letter from the nurse is just even more offensive. Why can't you just take the high road and apologize sincerely? Is admitting an error so painful to your ego?
In any case, I will still read your columns and participate in your chat, because I figure you are human and subject to human folly.
But I am disappointed and wanted to let you know.
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
Um, listen. I DID apologize. In every single letter I wrote to nurses who took the time to actually write their own letter, and in this chat. I also think the slight was unintentional, was not misogynistic, and was imperceptible to all but nurses.
Sorry you disagree and found my response inadequate.
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Arlington, Va.: I don't consider any of those bands classic rock, but Classic Rock 94.7 has started to play some bands from the '90s, such as REM, Blues Traveller, Smashing Pumpkins and yes, Greenday.
Gene Weingarten: Right, but I assume they WILL be classic rock when I am in a hospital bed.
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Big Mista, KE: Gene, I've just broken up with my boyfriend. I have mixed emotions about it -- mostly sad, but some belief that it might have been the right thing. You alone can help me really get over him by answering this question. Was he really the one if he insists that the "roo-roo" joke is really the "ooga-booga" joke? Thanks. And, poop.
Gene Weingarten: He could still be the right one, if his insistence was merely temporal; ie, if he was contending only that he originally HEARD it as the ooga-booga joke. If, however, his contention is that "ooga-booga" is BETTER than "roo-roo," you are well to be rid of him, and I congratulate you.
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putt, putt: OK, Mr. "I can get three holes in one every time," how are you doing on the NEW Orbitz mini-golf game? My best is a 5.
Gene Weingarten: Me, too. I can get a hole in one every time on the first hole, but the others are tricky.
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En Gar, DE: So, how are you planning on displaying your prized 30-inch walrus woodies? Perhaps crossed above your fireplace, or maybe worn around your waist in a scabbard when the occasion calls for full dress humor columnist attire?
Gene Weingarten: This is in reference to souvenirs I purchased in Savoonga. I gave one to Tom the Butcher. The other is on my fireplace mantel right now.
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Feed the fear: Okay, I've developed a generalized skin outbreak that has left me with itchy, red, inflamed patches from my neck down. Two nights in a row I've woken myself up scratching compulsively. I haven't changed laundry detergent, soap or shampoo or eaten anything out of the ordinary. My wife insists it's just an allergic reaction, but you must know what I'm dying of.
Gene Weingarten: Wow. These two "itching posts" (haha) are unrelated.
Well, again, the whole-body itch is not great, but near as I can tell, the rash is good news. Probably. The pruritus that signals something hugely dire tends not to have associated rashes.
But, um, you want to see a doc. Because it sounds like it is going to get worse without treatment.
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Poll, US: Last week you said that you and Liz are the first to take the poll to see if it works. Does this mean that if I'm next I can see what the correct answers are or do you purposely answer incorrectly to throw us off?
Gene Weingarten: I always answer incorrectly.
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Bethesda, Md.: I think it should be mentioned that your method of replying to -- is almost identical to what Al Franken does, as explained in Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them, pages 35-36. Although, maybe you thought of it first.
Gene Weingarten: I've been doing a version of that for years, but I suspect so has Al. I don't claim authorship.
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Illinois: Is it funny that a woman named Lush, wants a court to allow her to use a fake name during her trial for drunken driving?
Attorney Worries Jury Will Rush to Conclusions , ( The State-Journal Register )
Gene Weingarten: Of course.
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Savoonga: OK, I'm not really an eskimo. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
Here's a Savoonga joke for you.
This polar bear cub is sitting on the ice with his mom about five miles outside the village of Savoonga. The cub turns to his mom and says, "Mom, am I 100 percent polar bear?" The mother polar bear says, "Of course you are?"
Cub says, "Was my dad 100 percent polar bear?"
"Yes, dear."
"Were my granparents pure polar bear?"
"Sweetheart, your grandparents are pure polar bear, your parents are pure polar bear -- YOU are 100 percent pure polar bear!"
"OK... if you say so."
Mom says, "But why are you concerned about this?"
Cub says, "Cuz I'm -#$! FREEZING!"
Gene Weingarten: I like that. Sort of.
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RE: Baltimore: Gene, are there neurological diseases that affect intestinal function, diseases that affect intestinal neurons?
Gene Weingarten: Yep. There are neurological diseases that can make you intensely constipated to the point that you get something called "megacolon." Your excreta is too big and hard to come out.
This is just a great chat.
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Potomac, Md.: Gene:
I know you were scheduled to talk about your magazine article on the remote Alaska town yesterday, but I missed that discussion.
That article was one of the best pieces you've ever written. It was informative, educational, insightful, emotional, moving and written in a controlled, understated manner that did not exploit the grim situation in that region.
There is a sad addendum to your story: Just within the past two or three weeks, the Mayor of Gambell, one of his young relatives, and, I believe, a third person died when their boat capsized in the water while they were towing in a whale. I believe several other people were injured. That sad story just shows the very real dangers of life in that region.
Congratulations on a great article.
Gene Weingarten: Thanks. And yes, I just heard this. And there was apparently some real heroism in rescuing others.
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Don't do this to me -- I have finals soon: Where is the Style Invitational? I can't find a link anywhere, not even from this chat or Gene's column. Not under Style, not under Sunday Source, not under Magazine, not under Arts and Living. Is this a ploy to finally complete the dominance of the SI by the same five people?
washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational
Gene Weingarten: A public service announcement.
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PLEASE!: Gene, for some reason, I find that appoximately twice a year I have a deep respect for you. Now, please say something irreverant about cute women's bottoms, or make a lame, off the cuff remark that will enrage half of "middle-America." Anything so we can get on with this.
Gene Weingarten: Do you mean "cute women's" bottoms, or cute "women's bottoms"? The distinction is, of course, vital. One can be a cute woman with a merely ordinary bottom or an otherwise hideous looking woman with a cute bottom. This is not a matter of semantics alone: it summons an entire realms of philosophical inquiry involving the very knowability of beauty. I simply cannot respond to this request without a clarification.
Gene Weingarten: Meanwhile, in an internal channel of communication unseen by you, Chatwoman has just used the term "shelf bra," which is unknown to me but now has me all distracted.
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Re: Your voice: I have heard your voice, at a bookstore appearance where you were flogging your attempt to hitch yourself to Gina's erudition. As I e-mailed you at that time, I maintain that you sound like Boo-Boo Bear.
Gene Weingarten: I do not dispute this.
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Itching: don't forget (or maybe you don't know) that head to toe itching can be a symtom of pregnancy called PUPPPS -- I had it, had itchy itchy hives from head to toe that were torturously itchy. Until I read the last sentence below ("...my wife suggested...") I though the writer must be a pregnant lady with PUPPPS. It is awful but you won't die of it. This guy probably isn't pregnant though, so yeah he should see a doctor.
Gene Weingarten: Right, agreed.
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Nas, AL: Seriously, your voice is horrible. I remember listening to the Rodney Dangerfield call that you put up after he died thinking, "How did this guy ever make it through a job interview?" You're one of the few people too ugly for both TV and radio. But you're great in print.
Gene Weingarten: I like your town name. And also do not dispute this.
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Somewhere, Fla.: Gene... pleeeease... I'm dying of hunger pangs and must go in search of sustenance, but I can't tear myself away until the poll results are posted! Save me!
Gene Weingarten: Okay.
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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll:
The simple answers are that A (pet names) was written by Thurber, B (food) was written by Goodman, C (Capitol) was written by Barry, D (babies) was written by Jerome, and E (fishing) was written by Benchley. It is interesting how many of you instantly assumed the girl wrote about babies, isn't it? And isn't it interesting how well Jerome's holds up?
I liked all of these; that's why I chose 'em. All of these people know how to be funny. But I probably rank them in this order: D,C,A,E,B.
The books, by the way, are Chips Off the Old Benchley (1949); Dave Barry Hits Below The Beltway (2001); The Penguin Book of Women's Humor, edited by Gina Barreca (1996); Confessions of an Idle Man, Jerome K. Jerome (1889); and James Thurber,s The Beast In Me and Other Animals (1949).
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GWU Hospital (for no appetite, no appendix): There are sooo many symptomatic indications here. Blocked small bowel; blocked large bowel; adjacent-large bowel infection; acute but not yet burst diverticulosis; blood secretions in small bowel (enzymatically kills the appetite); pre-ulcerative duodenal tissue stress; etc.
Bottom line: get yourself into a hospital. Ask for three things: (1) a stool sample evaluation (typically, the sample can be tested for bacteria, viral material, post-infectional residue, etc); (2) anuscope examination. Don't laugh -- this could be important; and (3) abdominal palp, to see if there's other localized pain which would give some indication as to nature and specific location.
This potentially could be serious, and is not necessarily guaranteed to be linked to the appendix. Please get yourself an appointment pronto.
Gene Weingarten: Ooh. Poster, heed this.
Wouldn't it be exciting if we saved a life, amidst the poop jokes and panty-line philosophy?
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New Chat Software: My biggest complaint over the new chat software is no "submit question/comment" link at the bottom of the page. But I have to say, after trying to participate in a chat on Discovery.com (nothing highbrow -- American Chopper, of all things), WashingtonPost.com is one of the most professional and smooth chat interfaces I've seen.
washingtonpost.com: Thankyouverymuch (and we're working on the submit questions link)
Gene Weingarten: Chatwoman is going to owe me bigtime for this.
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Richard's Poor Almanac: My brother got me an autographed copy. Richard inked in legs and pants on that half-man on the first page. Love his Christmas trees.
Gene Weingarten: He is one of the true geniuses drawing comics today. And he completely sui generis. You cannot mistake him for anyone else, or anyone else for him.
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Lexington, Ky.: Ms. Summers has obviously never viewed the porno classic "Candystipers". Everything I ever wanted to know about nurses or hospital volunteers, I learned from that. I don't want to know anything different.
Gene Weingarten: Understood.
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Testosteroni, Calif.: "Testosteroni," the REAL San Francisco treat!
It's an old "Friends" joke. You can do better.
Gene Weingarten: Oh, sorry. I am not a Friends devotee.
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The Empress of The Style Invitational: Isn't it interesting that Mr. Weingarten brought back a walrus appendage for T the B, while for the E he brought back a little enamel pin of a smiling snowman that he got at the airport. It is, however, a cute little pin.
washingtonpost.com: He brought me back an extra chat to produce.
Gene Weingarten: It's pretty unnerving when the girls in your life start comparing notes.
Ladies, T the B sent me there at a cost of many thousands of dollars to his budget. What did you do for me? Hunh?
Besides, I suspect had I delivered to either of you, as a gift, a 30-inch penis bone, I might be well be clearing off my desk and reporting to personnel.
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Washington, D.C. : Gene,
I need you to tell me I am overreacting. I am American Indian, so was very moved by your Magazine reporting. Thank you for showing the civility and humor of a group that is still considered to be savages.
That said, I was horribly offended by the woman in yesterday's chat who stated (paraphrasing) "they just need to find God." I read that as one of the most arrogant, self-righteous, and horribly naive comment that I had come across in a long time. I could skip over the role European Christians played in the methodological isolation and depravation of the indigenous people, but to actually want to convert again (it's been tried/done) a group of people whose spirituality transcends time as an integral part of their culture and life is boorish at best. I am not saying there is no room for change, but it needs to be synchronized with their heritage, and allow for a sense of pride in who they are and where they are going. Even now, I am having a difficult time describing how strongly I feel about this comment, and I apologize if this in incoherent.
My husband (white boy) says I am overreacting, as this person missed entirely the point of the piece, and she will forever sit in prayer thinking she is doing "good" for the world, whereas I am taking action. I'm still mad, but husband is a reasonable person, so I am thinking I am overreacting. Your comment?
Gene Weingarten: You are not incoherent. I wasn't even sure whether to post that note, but decided the poster meant well.
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Rockville, Md.: When I worked in a hospital in Israel the admissions for intestinal blockages would go sky high the week of Passover. Matzoh acted just like cement in the colon.
Gene Weingarten: I hope this is true!
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Chicago, Ill.: Hi again, Gene... it's Matt Janz.
You just gave me a great idea for my next Sunday OGP strip! Erotica is cool for the Sunday comics page, right? You can expect a call from our editor.
...and Zoogie is spelled with an "ie". If you're going to wish an unfortunate -- albeit pleasant -- death on somebody, at least spell their name right.
Gene Weingarten: Spell "his" name right. Grammar, Matt, grammar.
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Washington, D.C.: I'm an accountant. Who am I supposed to charge my time for the hour that this chat takes? What do other attorneys and accountants do? Do you split up the time and fraudulently charge it to other clients that you will work on today?
Gene Weingarten: Hahaha. I would like to hear from lawyers on how they handle this.
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Arlington, Va.: Gene, what with all the abuse you're having to endure today about your appearance and your voice, I'd just like to also say that you smell bad.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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Buffalo Grove, Ill.: Re: last week's poll... I am also a big fan of Joe Martin. I saw him some years ago being interviewed on a local cable access channel, and he was showing some of his panels. He brought out a few that were "unpublishable," which he claimed he drew for his own amusement, knowing his editor would never accept them. My favorite of these showed Boffo on bended knee, presenting a ring to the blonde on the sofa, and uttering, "Okay... would you marry me if I wasn't an a--hole?"
Gene Weingarten: Yep, I have that one right here. You need to capitalize WASN'T to get the punchline right, though.
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Alexandria, Va.: Two Gene chats in one week. We're so lucky.
Is Jef Mallett friends with the guys who do "Zits?" The "Read" poster in the background of Sunday's strip looks an awful lot like Jeremy: Frazz , ( May 1 ).
Gene Weingarten: I'm sure it was deliberate, though I don't think they're friends. Jef does a LOT of good-natured homage.
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JHC: Gene, I read where the "H" as Jesus' middle intial is actually a scientific joke, the H standing for "haploid," the result of him being conceived from only half a set of chromosomes (only one genetic parent).
Literally, having the same number of chromosomes as a germ cell (in this case, the egg cell). I dunno if it's true but I bet it's a real kneeslapper in the genetics circles.
Gene Weingarten: Dang, you geneticists slay me.
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The new chat software: Okay, I bow to Liz and agree that the new software that WashPost.com is using for chats and their transcripts is cool. I can now search for references made in previous chats; something I always thought was needed. For instance, if you search for "poop", quite a few instances are found in Gene's transcripts.
washingtonpost.com: Yes, we're very proud that this is the result of our 14-month project.
Gene Weingarten: I am posting this purely strategically, so Liz will be kinder to me in the future.
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Arlington, Va.: I didn't get to ask this of you yesterday? Do the residents of Savoonga refer to themselves as "Eskimo?" I was always told (as an anthropology student) that this is a derogatory term, and they should be referred to as Inuit, Athapaskan, etc. I was just wondering if the name had been "reclaimed" by native groups in a sense.
Gene Weingarten: They happily and proudly call themselves Eskimos. Many Canadian tribes, in particular, reject the word.
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Re: Tuesday the Seventeenth: ...Is your son a "Ren and Stimpy" fan? Gene, as much as I heart you, I am young and think I heart him more. Do you have a cure for unrequited hearting?
Gene Weingarten: Precisely. Yes, he is.
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Heav, NE: Jesus H. Christ lives in my folks' bathroom. I know, because my Dad always yells, "Jesus H. Christ, get out of the bathroom already."
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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The Empress of The Style Invitational: Another PSA:
For the time being, at least, if you're not working from a bookmark, the best way to access the Style Invitational on washingtonpost.com is to click on PRINT EDITION at the top of the home page. Then there will be a menu on the left side of the page. Click on STYLE. Then, on the Style page, look to the RIGHT and keep scrolling down. At the bottom of a box of various highlights is the link to The Style Invitational.
I think this is a temporary problem, but for now, don't use the search bar. I just typed in "Style Invitational" and got no hits.
washingtonpost.com: Sorry Empress, I'll relay this to our search guru and see what we can do to get it corrected ASAP.
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
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I (Heart) Gene!: Gene, I (heart) you so much! I have to know, are you the brains behind ES's drawings? Do you come up with the ideas and he just brilliantly draws them? Or does he read your piece and then draw? He's so good that the cartoons that accompany your pieces (like this week) are brilliant additions and I am always so impressed! I heart you both!
washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Train of Thought , ( Post Magazine, May 1 )
Gene Weingarten: Eric, who is 20 but doesn't look a day over 12, does most of the concepts himself. Sometimes we collaborate. This Sunday's was my idea and his execution.
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Big Mista, KE: He insists that "ooga-booga" is better. Thank you for your congratulations. I already feel better!!
Gene Weingarten: Whew. You escaped just in time.
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Is this fun, NY?: I work at Disney World, and have seen, behind the scenes, interesting couples. I found Alladin passionately kissing Prince Charming the other day. I think this hilarious, yet other cast members see no humor in it. O, excellent judge of all humor, what is the truth?
Gene Weingarten: If they were in costume, who on Earth could not find this funny?
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Washington, D.C.: Gene, check out this woman's house. Trust me, you will be fascinated and appalled. Is this pathology or merely quirk?
washingtonpost.com: My god...
Gene Weingarten: This caused me to lose a half hour, and there are tearstains on my cheeks. I am saving this for the end of the chat, because I don't want to lose all of you. Sorry. Goodbye.
Gene Weingarten: And see you all next week, same place, same time.
Thanks for an intriguing chat.
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UPDATED 5.4.05
Winchester, W. Va.: The eBay mother page made me feel very sad. The woman is an obsessive-compulsive hoarder. It's a mental illness, not a quirk. My beloved, intelligent, talented, wonderful ex-son-in-law is a hoarder (his house is many times worse than the eBay lady's). My daughter, who loves him, finally had to leave him after 15 years of marriage. He can't stop being the way he is. His mother has the same disease. In some cases, it's genetic. That's the saddest thing to me. Hoarders cannot help being the way they are. The disease is in his DNA. And as Richard Dawkins wrote, "DNA neither knows nor cares. DNA just is. And we dance to its tune."
Gene Weingarten: Many, many people made this point and found it callous of me to have reacted with humor. I, of course, realized we were looking at a mental dysfunction but found it funny just the same. Why?
1. The item was presented by her son, with an obvious sense of humor. And he is quite lucid and funny. Presumably, if his mother's dysfunction was a serious tragedy in terms of her quality of life, we would not be reading this.
2. She looks real happy, there at the end.
3. I am a monster without human decency.
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The cube near the door...: Gene, what is your opinion of the Novak/Flame ordeal and whether or not reporters should be required to reveal sources in court. I've still can't quite make up my mind about it.
Gene Weingarten: I think that the First Amendment is absolute. Now there are times when two absolute rights collide (Free Press v. Fair Trial) and someone has to make a decision. This is not one of those. This is a politically inspired fishing expedition, and I don't think the decision is close. I think at any point that you threaten a reporter with prison for doing his or her job, the stakes must be dire. They aren't here. It's shameful.
washingtonpost.com: Do you mean Plame, or is there something I don't know about?
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Wet your pants kitsch: So what are some of her favorite finds? My sister and her husband used to tortue my mother by finding horrible kitschy things and hiding them in the decor for her to find. It became more fun when they had kids and we could teach them to love the items and demand them from grandma on each visit.
A big find was "vodka man" -- a vodka bottle shaped like a drunken Russian with a cork for a hat and the word "vodka" written on the front. I still remember my sister's triumphant call when she found the matching Scotch man at a flea market.
Gene Weingarten: My wife was responsible for many of the greatest prizes in the early years of the Style Invitational. Most famously, she found and bought the most celebrated prize ever, which was an elaborate taxidermized depiction of a snake doing battle with a mongoose.
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Gaithersburg, Md.: Humor, as you know, helps people deal with awful situations.
Case in point... My nephew was born last Wednesday morning. He was admitted to a children's hospital on Saturday for three reasons. One, he had lost too much weight since birth; two, traces of blood in his urine; and three, bile in his spit up.
Needless to say, the last week has been a horror for my family. After endless tests, he will be sent home today. The tentative diagnosis? An immature sphincter.
It is not possible to laugh when presented with that diagnosis from a world class children's hospital. Being the medical expert you are, you should know that he will likely grow out of this problem in about a month, with no long term health consequences.
That said, I can hear his father now when he is a typical American teenage boy: "You were born with an immature sphincter, and you are still acting like one!"
Gene Weingarten: Nowhere in my Hypochondria book do I deal with children's illnesses. Not funny.
(I did have a long conversation with a neonatologist, for a chapter I expected to do on children's illnesses. At the end, I thanked him for his time, and threw out the notes.)
This case you present, however, is great.
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UPDATED 5.5.05
Red Headed Jewish Librarian: I don't think you were all that out of line with the nurses comment -- I thought it was funny. No, I'm not a nurse, but I'm a librarian --- our stereotype is much less fun. People have actually told me I don't look like a librarian -- you've met me Gene, do you think I look like a librarian?
My grandmother used to wash styrofoam plates for reuse and she unwrapped our presents so she could fold and reuse the wrapping paper (which she never did) But she also fled Europe, leaving her family and everything she owned behind, so we understood. Most Holocaust survivors do stuff like that -- saving restaurant crackers, sewing money/jewelery into their coats, just in case.
And also: cat poop!
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I remember you. I deny that there is a librarian look. But you do look like a red-haired cutiepie. Telling you that you don't look like a librarian is basically telling you that you seem to have some juice and spunk and spirit, which is a terrible disservice to librarians.
Your mention of the Holocaust reminds me of a great profile the late Marjorie Williams did of Alan Dershowitz. Dersh wouldn't buy his house, even over the years when it was increasing hugely in value, and he had the money. He would only rent. A friend explained it: You don't invest in goods they can take from you. You buy things you can carry away with you, like diamonds.
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Washington, D.C.: Guy in my 50s here. I thought it was bad enough when they started playing U2 on the classic rock stations.
I've had numerous prostate exams at the, um, hands of my GP, who at last report is still a woman. When you get down to it, it's a prostate exam.
The Geico joke in "Candorville" is beneath contempt. It's not funny when some goofer at the office repeats stuff he hears on TV. To do it for pay in a comic strip is hack work.
Behold a Garfield that did not suck.
Gene Weingarten: Good lord, you are sort of right about Garfield. It is almost surreal, but makes sense.
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B.C.: OMG. Unbelievable. OK, here's the response for Hart: Where, in the New Testament, at any point, does JESUS affirm the account of the creation of the world in Genesis as fact?
Darwin was a better Christian than Hart.
Gene Weingarten: I like your point. Also, people keep forgetting that Darwin WAS a good Christian. He didn't see his work as denying the existence of God at all.
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Alexandria, Va.: I agree with you to a certain extent about "testosteroni" ranting, but this leads me to wonder: should I, a fairly demure and ladylike young woman, be concerned when my friends tell me that I remind them of no one so much as Denis Leary?
The most recent example of this came about as I was watching the Orioles game last night, and my baseball-related Tourette's Syndrome kicked in, and I went on for approximately five minutes with a rant that began: STICK YOUR -&-#$%- HEAD IN A &---%$% WOODCHIPPER, BIGBIE! HOLY -%&$%#- -%$#. Who the HELL strikes out ON THREE &-$%#-- PITCHES WITH THE BASES -#$%-#- LOADED IN THE BOTTOM OF THE --&%$%# ELEVENTH? ONE of those pitches had TORONTO TRYING TO DIG A &$%#--- HOLE TO -$%-&#$ CHINA, but you swung at it anyway. NICE -#$%--& JOB, SLUGGER. Jesus H. Christ.
Is this "testosteroni," or just vulgar? I'm OK with the latter. Would you direct me to an endocrinologist if it's the former?
Gene Weingarten: Will you marry me, ma'am?
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UPDATED 5.6.05
Good Grief: Sigh. From today's Sacramento Bee: "The readers have spoken and -- to take a cue from 'American Idol' -- Snoopy is safe. You may recall that last week we asked whether we should consider saying farewell to Charlie Brown and the gang to make way for another comic strip. The answer -- in more than 1,000 e-mails and hundreds of letters -- was a resounding 'no.' "There were some folks who would retire 'Peanuts,' but more had a response like this one, all the way from Texas: 'Please consider carefully what you will be depriving the world of if you remove the 'Peanuts' gang from our lives. After all ... we've already lost Charles Schultz. Haven't we suffered enough????'"
Gene Weingarten: Every time I am feeling even a little hope...
If the guy misses Schulz so much he should at least spell his name right.
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Charlotte, N.C.: I don't care which side of the humor fence your readers find themselves with regard to your joke about nurses, there can't be one among us who is not impressed with the letter you received from the nursing association. It managed to articulate its serious points and still maintain a tongue-in-cheek humor (the naughty nurse remarks, for example). To be honest, it almost looked like something Gina might have written, and I love Gina's writing. If I were in your position, I'd be starting a friendship with the letter writer much the way you did with Gina. I thought it was terrific.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I agree. And I have Reached Out to her, and am awaiting a response.
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Can, Etiquet: Perhaps this should be directed to Ms. Martin or Ms. Hax, but it involves poop, so they would have to get your input anyway.
I believe you have taken a firm "no talking on elevators" position. How do you react to colleagues who engage you in conversation whilst they are sitting on the can, and you are washing your hands?
I'm not talking about a family member or intimate friend, just a guy from the next suite who likes to handicap ball games, tell racist and/or mildly off color jokes and rate female co-workers all from behind the closed door. There is a certain Oz like quality to the conversation, and I am somewhat disconcerted by other aspects (audible interuptions, etc.), but I am reluctant to be rude. I was, however, raised to a strict eyes front, do your business and leave standard. As you are obviously beloved by your co-workers, and must have dealt with this, (now that I reflect it was the sum total of your interaction with Levey, wasn't it?), I wonder if you can offer helpful advice.
Gene Weingarten: I am 53 years old. I have been using public restrooms for 49 years. I don't believe I have ever heard one man speaking to another, stall to stall. It is not done. The only such correspondence I could condone would be "Please help me, I appear to be having a heart attack."
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Norfolk, Va.: Gene -- Could "South Park" be this century's "Three Stooges?" Most women don't like it, or at least don't get it, and most guys do. Just curious.
Gene Weingarten: Interesting. Yes. Could be.
washingtonpost.com: I love "Southpark" and know plenty of other women who do, too. Stop hanging out at Ann Taylor.
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Points North: Hey Gene... not to be immature or anything, but I thought I'd let you know that the starting pitching matchup in Saturday's Yankees-Blue Jays game was Bush vs. Wang.
Gene Weingarten: Thank you.
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