Color of Money Book Club
Michelle Singletary and Elina Furman
Washington Post Columnist and Author of "Boomerang Nation"
Thursday, May 26, 2005
12:00 PM
Author Elina Furman joined Michelle Singletary for a discussion of this month's Color of Money Book Club selection -- "Boomerang Nation: How to Survive Living With Your Parents ... The Second Time Around."
A transcript follows.
Read Michelle's past Color of Money columns .
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washingtonpost.com: Read Michelle's column on Furman's book: " A Young Adult's Guide To Moving Back Home " (May 1). And here's a follow-up column: " Boomerang Kids Refill the Nest " (May 15).
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Michelle Singletary: Good afternoon. Lots of questions so let's get started.
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Washington, DC: I graduated from college 3 weeks ago and I am forced to move back in at home. Luckily, I have a job that pays a very nice salary and once credit card bills are paid off I will be able to save about $2K a month. I have to pay off some CC debt b4 I can even think about getting a place. A few days ago, someone I dated through out college asked me to move in with him. I don't know if this would be a good idea. My share of the rent would be less than $400 and I wouldn't have to live by Mommy and Daddy's rules. I'm wondering if it's worth it in the long run? Living at home with my parents is no fun, I'm 22 with a curfew and chores. Is saving money worth more than my sanity?
Elina Furman: The question whether to move in with parents or live on your own, or with a boyfriend, is a tough one. Living on your own after college isn't easy. Not only will you have to tighten your belt and forego all your favorite luxuries, you'll need to figure out a budget so you can continue to save on a monthly basis. But with all this talk about whether you can afford to move out, why not ask yourself if you can afford to stay. I have always put saving money and conserving resources as one of my top priorities, but at some point you have to realize that money isn't everything. What you stand to gain - independence, renewed optimism, mobility - cannot be measured in dollars and cents alone. Ultimately, it's your decision to make and how well you get along with your parents is usually the deciding factor.
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Teaneck, NJ: Hello, This is a very interesting subject for me. I moved down to the Washington DC area from New Jersey back in 1999. I got in trouble after years of not carefully managing my finances, credit cards and deferring my student loans which grew to almost 40k from interest. After my second job loss I moved back home to my parents home in New Jersey 2 years ago when I was 29 years old. I would say yes it was very embarrassing but I knew I had to get things under control. I admit it was my fault and take responsibility. The only thing that keeps me sane is that I know this is a temporary situation and that I am focused and that this is a great learning experience. I am now working two jobs to pay down my student loans and reading and learning about finances and saving. I believe this "day of reckoning" will happen more and more to young people and I realize that I am not alone in this situation because this society and our education system have raised financially illiterate people. It now boggles my mind that we teach children the ABC's and 123's in school but DO NOT teach them simple important financial principals that stress saving first and avoiding bad debt. I am interested in reading your book and I am wondering do you feel that this trend will increase in the future?
Aaron
Elina Furman: With college tuition escalating, credit card companies marketing aggressively to students, and almost no education on the topic of credit, the financial picture for many young adults is bleak at best. And with more than 615,000 people ages 35 and under filing for bankruptcy in 2000, according to a Harvard Law School study, it may be time to admit that we may indeed have a problem managing our money.
Again, if we don't educate teens and college students about bad credit card practices and financial management, we could see millions more young people filing for bankruptcy and moving back home. That's why we need to propose making financial literacy courses a mandatory part of the high school and university curriculums.
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Tallahassee, FL: Michelle, I'm submitting early since I have a lunch meeting today. I'd be really interested to hear what you and your guest (and other chatters) think about how sibling rivalry can rear it's ugly head when grown siblings move back in with parents. My brother recently touched down at my parents house for a bit, and as one who hasn't moved home since I graduated from college, I'm having some trouble not feeling resentful...even though I know if I needed it, their home and support would be available to me, and I know how proud they are of me for all I do. Isn't this silly? Anyone else experienced this?
Elina Furman: As any of us lucky enough to be born with brothers and sisters know, getting along and going along isn't always easy. There's always that push and pull that characterizes even the healthiest sibling relationships. Feeling resentful that your sibling gets to live at home is entirely normal. Not only do you feel like you wish you had a litle bit of a comfort zone, you're also probably a bit resentful that your sibling gets to spend more time with your parents. Remember that classic flick The Royal Tennenbaums? One genius prodigy moves back into the historic family mansion, only to be followed by all the others. It's almost expected that you would want a piece of the action, too. "If she/he gets to move in, why can't I?" But like you said, your parents are proud of you and there's no reason why you can't be as close to them even though you're not living at home.
Michelle Singletary: I hear you. But you do need to check yourself. Why are you resentful? Now if your brother is trifling and isn't helping as he should (or saving as promised)then yup you should be fussing. But if your parents are cool with the situation and your brother does need a safe place to land don't be resentful. Don't fall into the symdrome that says: "I'm doing great so why can't everybody else pull themselves up by their bootstraps." Well because I don't know a soul who can pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Sounds like you're a good sister, so give your brother a break.
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Springfield, MO: With funding for higher education cut, why aren't colleges/universities paring irrelevant degrees and offering those that assist graduates in securing jobs that actually exist?
Elina Furman: That's a really good question. Not only is there less funding, but college costs are increasing every year. Too many students are left to their own devices, and are not receiving adequate counseling when it comes to acquiring industry-specific skills. So when they do end up in the workforce, they don't have any applicable skills and are unable to stay competitive. Not only that, the average time it takes to complete a four-year degree has shot up to 5-6 years. Too many students think college is about exploring different subjects and career paths and end up spending time switching from major to major, which can significantly increase their student loan debt without adequately preparing them for their workforce. While it's important to obtain a general knowledge of the world say through a liberal arts degree, it's also critical to realize that students have to be responsible in educating themselves about possible career paths using such resources as Wetfeet.com and Vault.com.
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Brooklyn, NY: Hi, Michelle. I was raised in a multi-generational Italian-American home and am now the widowed Grandma in the exact same home. At any given time there are parents, grandparents, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, and assorted hangers on. Most of us are doing Ok financially and money doesn't seem to be a big issue most of the time. I realize we're going the way of the dodo bird, but it works for us and most of he other extended families (some Hispanic, some Eastern European) in our neighborhood.
We may have seen the wave of he future last year, however, when a granddaughter married an only child who had been raised entirely in a 3-person home. They have their own place, but it is a huge adjustment for both of them, her living with just one other person, him being surrounded by so many family members who consider their place a second home. So fa, so good, but it's still early days.
Elina Furman: It can be very hard for someone who's not used to living in a multi-generational family...It's important that she be very considerate of her husband's needs and expectations. While some people think it's great to have all their family around, others are just no used to it. I would advise that they try to maintain some privacy by doing things outside of the house or securing some alone time from the rest of the household for at least a few hours each day.
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Frederick, MD: Hi, Michelle. I'm the fairly-well-off widowed mother of 4 grown children, 2 of whom are doing extremely well, one is struggling to make ends meet, and the other's life is complete mess. That one and her 2 children live w/me nd I meet most of their needs.
This has caused unbelievable family distress. Everyone resents the "freeloader," but what about her children? The well-off 2 help the struggler, as he is a hard worker and his problems are not seen as his entirely his fault. They used to be quite generous with me, but now take me on trips or the like rather than giving me money, because they don't want it to go to the youngest.
Bottom line, I am starting family counseling next month with whoever will come with me. I realize everyone's idea of "fair" is different, but I'm hoping to make peace with myself if not with my feuding family. It's either that or move to a dessert island with no TV or computer. just a pile of books nd my cat. There are times that sounds like very good option.
Elina Furman: It can be very frustrating when one child doesn't keep up their end of the bargain. It's important that you keep the rest of your children out of the loop, and take a harder line with the "freeloader." It can be very frustrating for your other children when they're doing all the chores, paying rent, and one sibling is watching the paint dry. It's important that you establish guidelines and rules about household chores and financial contributions early on andset a moving out deadline so that your "freeloder" knows you mean business.
Michelle Singletary: I totally agree wtih Elina. Your "freeloader" is getting such a free ride at your expense, and I mean that literally and emotionally. Look at what it's doing to your relationship with your other children? They may not be right to be so hostile but they do have a point. You don't help people by enabling them to live below their potential. It's great you are thinking of your child's children. That's what families are for -- to help each other. And I agree that when small children are involved drastic actions should be taken to provide them with a safe, loving home. But you will solve a lot of problems if you make sure the "freeloader" is carrying his or her weight. Charge rent, make sure he or she is saving. Act like the great MOTHER you sound like you are. Don't be a doormat for the freeloader.
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Washington, DC: Help! I am single (again) and in my late 30's. In my mid-20's I moved back in with my parents for a year and a half, paid rent for about a year, got my act together and struck out on my own. I am very grateful to them for helping me out, as well as for raising me in the first place. Now, my gratitude is about to be tested. My parents are in their mid-70's and they are moving in with me! How do people handle this circumstance? How do I help them maintain their autonomy (both are healthy and fiercely independent) while keeping my own? They will pay rent to offset my loss of income from kicking out my roommate for them, but how should I handle utilities, groceries, cleaning (I'll hire a maid service if necessary), etc.
Elina Furman: Your situation is not entirely unique. More and more people are finding that they have to support older parents. In the course of a lifetime, our relationship with our families will continue to evolve, forcing us to relate to each other on different terms each time. Many of our parents will get older, retire, and will need our assistance someday. I appreciate how hard it is, though, to take on this responsibility. The most important consideration is that you leave time for your favorite things. You'll also have to budget carefully in order to afford the extra expenses, so I would suggest talking to a financial advisor and getting all the money issues worked out before your parents move in.
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Laurel: I know that this is supposed to be a personal finance chat, but it still revolves around what I consider some fundamental problems in society:
1. The fact that many choose to live this way indicates that there's no shortage of housing, just affordable housing
2. Housing is kept unaffordable because people who own property in a community use their power as voters to keep more housing from being built
3. Homeowners think it's right and proper for their property to be part of their investment portfolio that ought to increase in value, effectively transferring wealth from the young to the old
4. Empty-nesters (as a group) live in too much house, and should move out quicker so that the next family of five can have living space
Michelle Singletary: You make some very good points.
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Raleigh, NC: Moving in with my mother in law soon. What is the best advice you can give to someone who returns home to live?
Elina Furman: Here's my advice in a nutshell:
1. Establish clear boundaries and divide household responsibilities early on
2. Pay some rent, even if it's a small amount
3. Don't feel entitled. Be grateful that you're allowed to move home and show your appreciation
4. Save money.
4. Don't panic. You won't be home for ever!
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Farmville, VA: Michelle, this is exactly what I'm going through. Good to know I'm not the only one. At 29 I made a deal with my parents that I would help out around the house if I could live there for free while paying off debts and going back to college. I'm 30, it's been a year and a half in, and I've paid off 5 of my 7 debts, and am in my fifth semester of college (paying each semester as I go, no loans). Those rewards have been tremendous. No way I could've done any of it paying DC rent. BUT, I now know why I left at 17! They are unhappy misers. They have always had money, but only because they never spend any. I have learned my lessons about credit cards and debts and will not make those mistakes again. However I do like to splurge once in a while but feel like they think if I spend any "fun money" I should have saved it for moving out earlier. Any way to show these people I have learned valuable money lessons (and I do want to get out ASAP!) but that being a miser can make you just as miserable as being in debt?
(Here's an example of miser-ness: I bought the plastic $2.50 set of 4 microwavable bowls which I use constantly. He complained that I stain them with spaghetti sauce after a couple uses. Who cares? We have regular plates for guests, and I don't care if it's stained, if it's clean I'll use it again!)
Elina Furman: Managing different expectations and lifestyles is one of the toughest aspects of moving back home. It's important that you respect your parents' choices and that they respect yours. Clear communication is really the only way to go. As frustrated as you get, make sure you sit down and discuss your strategies with them in a calm manner. Don't wait for problems to arise before addressing them. When it comes to money, make a point of discussing your philosphy as often as possible. You can also invest in some personal finance software and show them how well you're doing in the savings department. Again, don't expect your parents to change overnight. It may be a slow process, but hopefully you'll be able to meet somewhere in the middle.
Michelle Singletary: Oh I feel you. I lived with my grandmother for a little bit after I graduated (her wishes.) I couldn't take it. One morning she woke me up at 5 a.m. to get some shoes from under the bed. 5 a.m.!!!!! She said it brought bad luck or something. I was livid. But you know what. Her house, her rules. As soon as I could I moved out. Loved Big Mama but she was straight up crazy sometimes with her ways -- you couldn't turn the tv in a certain diretion because she thought it might break the TV.
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Anonymous: Michelle and Elina, thanks for the chat. My husband and I have 6 children, ages 25-40, 5 of whom are off and doing well. The 6th, who's 31, has never left home, not even for college. He works odd jobs, paints a bit, hangs out w/friends. It's a big house, we're well off, and we like having him around. But at some point we're not going to be here, and worry that he won't be able to manage without us. His sibs make the occasional sarcastic comment, but for the most part seem OK with this. I think that would change if we left him all or the bulk of our fairly large estate. Husband and I differ as to whether this is a good idea. I keep thinking he will get his act together, or meet a nice woman and want to live with her. Husband says 30 years of coddling is enough. Can you help?
Michelle Singletary: Listen to your husband. Look you are not helping your son. Well, actually you are -- you're helping him to be a grown deadbeat. He's 31 and doesn't seem to be going anyway but in your pocketbook. If I were one of your five remaining kids and you left the one child that didn't do anything for himself or society all that money -- man I would dig you up from the grave to slap you. Sorry maybe too harsh. But seriously what woman would want to be with your son? He ain't got a JOB. And don't you want him to get MARRIED not just live with a woman? For his sake, kick him to the curb so he can learn to be a self-sufficient MAN.
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Washington, D.C.: I have to cringe when I read what the first person wrote, about being 22 and having a curfew. I think that's a mistake. Perhaps my situation is a little different - my 22 year old daughter lives at home, too, and at this point, she's an adult. She is finishing her undergraduate degree, works part-time, and is home because we asked her to come. We hadn't been able to do any financial planning for college, and dorm costs are larger than tuition, at state schools. Also, my husband has health issues that limit his mobility, require frequent doctors' visits, and I have to be at work. Having her there is an extra driver and an extra hand for me. However, a few years ago we also had our son come home to finish his school, for purely financial reasons. We also treated him as an adult, because, after the age of 18, they ARE. To treat them as kids does not help the situation. Point is, I have already "raised" them. I wouldn't treat them like kids, especially after the age of 20. I would certainly hope that by that age they had all the resources they needed to make decisions about their behavior and life, otherwise, I would question how well I did my job in the first 18-19 years. Because of this, we actually enjoy each other's company, and it's opened a new phase in our relationship for us.
Elina Furman: Good for you! You're a great example of how families can work together to create a better life. You seem to respect your adult children, and I'm sure that your close relationship is a sign of their mutual respect for you.
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LA, CA: Hey - wait a second here. Why are all of these people moving back in just because they have debt? Most people manage to pay off debt WHILE paying rent, utilities, etc. If you keep running back home every time you have debt, you'll never be able to buy a house (or live in it, I guess...)! I had MONSTER debt from law school (close to $100K), but managed to pay off all consumer debt and still pay loans - even as a government worker. It's not like I was educated in money management any more than anyone else - I'm a public school kid, too. Being a grown-up means supporting yourself - part of your measly income goes to rent, and you suck it up realizing YOU JUST CAN'T BUY EVERYTHING YOU WANT! Seems like there are some really spoiled people out there (and really forgiving parents) - or am I being too harsh?
Elina Furman: Congrats on your success! For many students, paying off their school loan on an entry-level salary is a formidable feat. After the monthly installment is paid, the rent handed in, and the bills mailed, there's just not enough money left to go around. I interviewed some people who had about 100K in school loans and were able to secure jobs that payed well over that. Even then, they decided to move home in order to expedite paying off their school loans. It's not a matter of being lazy or spoiled, but more of a decision to say: I want to pay off my loans and buy a condo in 5 years, rather than have to wait 15 years to meet these goals.
Michelle Singletary: Some of you people are just too unforgiving. Stop throwing stones. There is room enough in this world for everyone to live their life a certain way. I don't happen to think it's terrible if somone moves back home with their parents, especially if both parent and adult child are in aggreement. I'm really happy (and you should be proud) that you got out of debt with noone's help but please have MERCY on others who might not be so disciplined. Now I'm not saying we should encourage people to be trifling and sponge off their parents but in many cultures it's natural for multigenerations to live together. But oh no not in good old America where people are supposed to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Charity is a wonderful thing. Have a little.
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Washington: Whaaaaatttt??!! How can you say Laurel's points are good? Blanket, unreasoned generalizations like this are ludicrous (though sadly typical of my favorite town). There may be a shortage of affordable housing, but it's usually cyclical - suck it up. People DO have a right to have real estate in their portfolio, and whatever rate it appreciates is their business, not yours. And how can you advocate empty nesters moving out of "too much house"...?? They have no obligation to move out just so someone else can move in - that's what "purchase" means. They bought that right. Besides, if they moved to a smaller home - where would they put the kids who keep coming back in?
Michelle Singletary: Oh please, just acknowledging the person's concerns about the lack of affordable housing. He or she was just suggesting some options. Nobody is going to make people move. Lighten up!
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Alexandria, VA: Interesting subject. My reading of the first post hit a nerve for some reason. She'll be able to save $2K a month (granted after bills are paid off)....then WHY does she need to live at home. My take-home pay is less than that and I would NEVER think about living at home if I had 2K for living expenses.
It also seems like a lot of these 20s and 30s are all "me, me, me" and don't think about their parents in the whole situation. What ever happened to personal responsibility?
Elina Furman: If she gets along with her parents, having a nest egg that she can put away toward retirement or housing can be a wonderful thing. If you choose not to live at home, that's your personal lifestyle choice. And saving money every month is definitely a sign of taking personal responsibility.
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Fort Washington, Maryland: How do I prepare my child so I don't have a future boomerang?
Elina Furman: If we don't educate our teens and college students about bad credit card practices and financial management, we could see millions more young people filing for bankruptcy and moving back home. That's why we need to propose making financial literacy courses a mandatory part of the high school and university curriculums. This subject has to be at least as important as wood shop. Of course, parents have a responsibility to teach kids about good financial management as well. So make sure you do this early and also teach by example.
Also, make sure that your adult child looks into counseling or talks with a career coach about possible career tracks. Too many young people don't do this early enough, and parents can assist in this process by helping their children iron out a more concrete game plan during college.
Michelle Singletary: Keep in mind every study and survey I've seen of young people say they learn most of what they know (or don't know) from their parents. Take every opportunity to teach your child about money, how to save, give to charity etc. Don't overindulge them (so they become adults who think they are entitled to evertything, even things they can't afford). Show your children by example what good management is.
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Herndon, VA: I graduated college a couple of years ago and have been living at home ever since. I've started saving a good chunk of my paycheck every month (about 1/2), but it's still not as much money as I'd like to have by now. Lately living at home has gotten worse and worse for me - to the point where my friends and even my therapist have suggested I move out. Here's my real question: I think if I had a goal amount of money that I could aim for, that would help. How much should I be setting aside to buy a place? (I don't have any debt right now, but I am also looking to go back to school, which would mean a student loan.) Thank you!
Elina Furman: Sometimes it's a matter of not whether you can afford to move out, but whether you can afford to stay. If life at home is becoming increasingly difficult and you find yourself becoming depressed, you may want to look at some other options, like moving into an apartment with a roommate or a friend. Saving for school and housing is important, but so is feeling good about where you are in life emotionally and psychologically.
Michelle Singletary: I hear a lot of angst in folks who are living at home and suffering because they want to "buy" a home. Look to be a renter is not to be a financial failure. Sure home ownership is important but if you can't afford it you still can have a happy life financially. It just means you have to be better at saving since many people get their wealth from home ownership. You don't have to come out of college and jump right into a home.
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Rockville, MD: I lived with my parents for a number of years after graduating college, mainly to pay off loads, put myself through grad school, and save an emergency fund.
They were the hardest years of my life. Both dealt with health issues, younger siblings still at home, and I was expected to be a third parent. But I wouldn't trade it for anything, looking back, financially or emotionally.
But...how would you recommend dealing with people who equate living at home with laziness? It's exhausting to explain the reasons, and frankly no one's business, but my siblings are having this problem now. Twice as bad to hear it from people who have kids living outside the home that they are supporting! Moms and dad: buying your kid a house or car does not make them independent!
Elina Furman: I so agree. Living at home is not an indicator of laziness, not by a long shot. While it may not seem terribly mature to some people, what's the alternative? With so many young adults residing in their own apartments, living above their means, hitting up their parents for yet another cash advance, and going into debt in an effort to prove how independent they are, defining what it means to be an adult is tougher than ever. After all, shouldn't adulthood be measured by how well the person functions in the real world instead of by where someone lives?
Would it help people to know that many of their so-called "independent" peers are probably far more reliant on their parents than they've led you to believe? In fact, according to the Institute for Social Research, 34 percent of all 18 to 34-year-olds (including those who live on their own) receive cash from their parents. Moving back home doesn't mean forsaking autonomy - it just means that you're less likely to hit up your parents for cash. Depending on your approach, people living at home can be as, if not more, independent than those living solo.
Michelle Singletary: Amen!
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Fairfax, VA: Hi, Michelle. As a 30-something person who did college part-time while working, I ended up living w/my parents until I was 29. While my folks are wonderful---and I paid rent, etc., like any responsible adult---it was a huge price to pay emotionally. Because I paid for college out of my pocket as I went along, I didn't have a huge student loan to pay off, but I couldn't afford to do that and pay the regular metro area rents and being in my mid-20s now is quite different from when my parents were in their mid-20s, so for a while I didn't date because I didn't want people to know that I was living with my parents. It felt embarrassing, despite what is happening now with many grads. My dad supported his parents and lived with them until he got married (last of the five) and while my parents never said it was time for me "to go," there was, what they didn't know, an emotional toll on my psyche that really stuck. Sometimes it's better to be tight on money than to give up certain independence. I know it's all trade-offs, but it needs to be given a lot of thought.
Elina Furman: Yes, for some people living at home can be very damaging to their self-esteem. But it really doesn't have to be? I mean, if you're helping your parents financially, that should be a great source of pride...And yes, dating at home can be tough, but not impossible. It helps if you have friends with empty apartments and a current boyfriend or girlfriend with a place of their own.
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Richmond, VA: Thank you for taking our questions!
I have to admit, I think adult kids coming back to live with parents is highly irresponsible on both parties. Just TOO needy. Though, I can see some extreme cases where this could be a temporary arrangement. My question: Do you think this is just a trend, or is it here to stay?
Elina Furman: I definitely think the trend is here to stay. With Generation Y reaching adulthood, there will be millions more young adults by the year 2010. And with the stigma of moving home gradually disappearing, you can bet that more and more young people will see this path as a viable alternative to living on their own.
It's easy to generalize about this group. In many cultures, living at home and contributing to the household is a sign of taking on responsibility, rather than shirking it. Many boomerangers are extremely helpful to their parents, so much so that many don't want to let their adult children go once they decide to move out.
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Rockville, MD: Submitting early due to a meeting. I am a boomerang kid - I cam home to live with the folks after undergrad while I saved-up money for grad school and for a downpayment on a condo in this insane real-estate market. I did not mooch off my parents while I lived with them - I always pitched in with living expenses, bills, and the like. I am eternally grateful that I was able to return home - and my parents were happy to have me. I'm appauled that there are parents out there who think they are done once their kids have gone away to college. Do they realize the amount of student loan debt that students take on these days? Do they realize that most entry level jobs in the DC area for someone with a liberal arts degree pay around 30K (or less)? How on earth do they expect their kids to live once they get out of college - especially when they are likely to get a job in an area like DC where the cost of living is astronomical?
Elina Furman: Sounds like you had a wonderful experience at home. You kept up positive relations with your family and gave yourself a leg up in the world by saving enough money for housing. Congrats! You're right, too many parents worry about how it looks that their adult child is moving back home and are not aware of the economic burdens this generation is inheriting. Many are embarrassed and think they have failed as parents. It's important for all parents to realize that it doesn't matter what any one else thinks. If your boomeranger is responsible and taking care of business, look at it as a positive experience that will allow you to get closer.
And don't forget, with the war on terror, poor economy, and a general sense of fear and insecurity sweeping the globe, home has become the last safe haven for many young people looking for a little stability. But it's not fear driving us home so much as a general desire to be around those they we love most. So its important that parents provide us with breathing room and the freedom to be ourselves, and not worry so much about what this means or how people will perceive them.
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NATO HQ, Belgium: The fact that Washington DC looks upon household tasks as "chores" that her parents make her do, rather than shared duties that contribute to the home where she resides, suggests that she still has some maturing to do. Move out, grow up, and you'll see what constitutes "chores", and why your roommates, be they contemporaries or your parents, expect you to share the load. I'm sure you encountered this telling "attitude transition point" in many young adults during your research, Ms. Furman.
Elina Furman: I don't think we should blame the person for using the word "chores." I live on my own and still consider washing dishes and doing laundry a chore. It's important that we avoid judging people and assuming all boomerangers have an entitled attitude, because they don't. Many of them are mature, responsible adults who are saving money and taking responsibility for their futures.
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Bowie, Md.: I haven't read your book, so I don't know if it discusses this.
Most of us have a common image of adult children living "at home" as forced into the situation by economics -- they either lack job skills, or been set back by one of life's emergencies like divorce, unplanned parenthood or job loss.
How common is it that both the parent and adult child actually like and prefer the arrangement? Living alone has its downsides, too. Particularly among divorced parents, do they often appreciate having a strong, young person to help around the house?
Elina Furman: You raise a fascinating topic which I address in my book. Too many people think living at home is a punishment. That's just not the case for many people. I talked to dozens of boomerangers who report being best friends with their parents and not wanting to leave. With so many boomerangers citing the reason that they moved home was to be close to their loved ones, the conventional disciplinarian parent-child relationship of "do as I say" is slowly waning. You'd be surprised at just how many share a tight bond with their families. I interviewed one female boomeranger who recently moved out of her family apartment in New York. She missed her parents so much that she spent virtually every night at their place t even though she had a great apartment all to herself. In her case, it was really a matter of missing her parents and wanting to be closer to them.
I should also add that many boomerangers return home to help their parents through a divorce, illness, or difficult life transition. I really don't know when we developed the notion that needing each other was a bad thing. Everyone needs some support every now and then. None of us are an island, and that includes our parents. So it's important to realize that helping your parents and vice versa is not a bad thing, so long as all parties are working toward self-sufficiency.
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Rockville, MD: Assuming you get along with your parents and you're just not a bum, I've never understood why Americans look down at living with parents so much. If the house has been in the family for a while, it's paid off so you don't need to worry about mortgages and you can max your 401K and still have spending cash.
I wonder if this is a legacy of the old days where one could dream of "going west and make your own fortune."
Elina Furman: Yes, in American there's plenty of talk about "family values" but when it comes down to taking care of each other, it's off to the retirement home or no bed and breakfast for you. As more immigrants pore onto our shores, we're seeing a major overhaul of the traditional family unit. While Westerners tend to raise children to be more independent and self-sufficient, other cultures still place a greater premium on cooperation and communal living. And with this influence from our friendly newcomers, the strictly American notion of "be all you can be, so long as you don't do it in my house" value system is slowly undergoing a radical shift.
Again, as long as everyone is contributing to the household, there is no reason why someone shouldn't be considered "independent." There's absolutely no reason to look down on young people living at home if they're assuming a certain degree of responsibility, which most of them are.
Michelle Singletary: Can I get another "Amen." You tell them Elina.
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Teneck, NJ: There's another issue that needs to be addressed, after 4 years of living on my own and being independent then moving back home, the issue of dating. I think this can be VERY awkward explaining this to a date, explaining yeah I live at home now in my old room in my little twin bed, haha. This alone is a major motivation to get back on my feet ASAP!
Michelle Singletary: Good point. And there is a whole section in Elina's book just about this topic. In fact, I really liked a point she made that by living home many people give up their "catting" ways, i.e. sleeping around. Loved that!
Elina Furman: "Why would anyone want to date someone who lives at home?" That's the question on every boomeranger's mind. So if you're having serious doubts about your suitability as a suitor, let's just say, you're not alone. Some young adults have even avoided going back home for the sole fear that they wouldn't be "dateable" once there. But as with most fears, this too is unfounded. Provided you make a little effort, you'll find that there are plenty of people who want to date you, sleep with you, or just hang out with you despite the fact that you live at home.
Elina Furman: It's important to tell people upront that you live at home. You can say you're in between places, helping out your parents, or saving money for a house. If you're upfront early, it shows that you're confident in yoruself.
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washington, DC: Well, I had to do it. After living on my own for nearly a decade, my company went under, and I hid in the old room with my sheets over my head for about a month - and ended up staying there about six months. It's not as easy as you think. Here's how I made it through (with all parental relationships intact): (1) Treat it as temporary. If you're there because of a crisis, limit your recovery time. Curling up under mom's wing is for emergencies only - and emergencies don't last forever. Spend at least 5 hours every day making a plan to get out (e.g. - job hunting, apartment hunting, etc.) Get any part-time McJob to tide you over if you have to. (2) Treat it as a roommate situation. Clean up after yourself. Pay rent. Do your own laundry. Offer to cough up for utilities, don't hijack the Internet access, and get your own phone line. (3) Treat your parents. They're being great in letting you do this, so treat them to dinner, free dog walking, Sunday brunch, fresh flowers. Tell them how much you appreciate this - often. Then, after you move out, you're still welcome back in, with your head high - and no one searching you for hidden stashes of luggage and spare underwear. Just my 2 cents.
Elina Furman: Great points, especially about helping out whenever you can and staying active regardless of whether you're working or not. And yes, treat it as temporary...you won't be home forever.
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Portland, Oregon: I just want to say to all those boomerang kids and parents out there that moving back in with the parents isn't the end of the world -- believe me, I know.
I am 27 years old and am now getting ready to be on my own again after staying with my parents for a couple of years. Even as a financially responsible adult with no credit debt, it was still difficult for me to have gone to graduate school full-time and living on my own without incurring massive amount of student loans.
Because of the fact that I've lived with my parents during my graduate school years, I've only had to take out an additional $3500 in student loans as opposed to $35,000. Plus working full-time while living at home has enabled to save enough money for a down payment on my own house.
Besides the money aspect, it's also nice to spend some time with your parents -- even as an adult child.
Michelle Singletary: Again, good points -- or does someone object to this sage wisdom?
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Savannah, Georgia : Does your book cover how the parents feel about a child moving home again? If it doesn't, that topic needs to be addressed cause I can tell you it is very difficult to have a child come home again. My daughter, 29, lives in Atlanta and has found it is best to come home for only three days. Our points of view are very different now that she has lived out of our house for a couple of years. My advice to someone who has to move back home is "don't" and if you have to, don't criticize everything your parent(s) do. Remember, they are still your parents and not your children. Just because you have had to move home, you do not have the right to criticize what they do or how they live. It is a difficult adjustment for everyone to make.
Elina Furman: Some parents love to have their adult children at home, and others do not. It depends on your relationship with them and how tolerant you are. Again, don't judge your children because they move home, but set clear boundaries so they will appreciate the experience and not take it for granted.
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Washington, DC: My husband and I recently moved in with my mother (taking our toddler daughter with us). We did this primarily out of a desire for a greater sense of family, not out of a sense of financial need (although the arrangement is proving financially beneficial for everyone). My husband is in school and my job (for the time being) requires longish hours, so our daughter really benefits from having another adult around. In addition, my mother has recently developed some physical limitations that limit her ability to do certain house maintenance/yardwork tasks, and it's far easier (and more economical) to have us help than to have to hire someone.
I can easily see this arrangement working out well for the next few years. We are working on paying off our modest amount of debt and will then start saving for our own house, but all of us agree that there is no hurry when we are all getting along so well. We do pay rent and help with utilities and food so there is no "mooching" involved. The cost of living is just a bit less than if we rented a separate apartment or bought our own condo. (All of us have even discussed buying a larger house together when our finances are in shape to do so.)
For those who would say that moving back in with parents represents a failure - don't be so quick to judge! While I think it is important for children to know how to live on their own, sometimes a joint living arrangement can actually work our better for everyone.
Elina Furman: Yes, many people report buying houses with their adult children. It can be a great way to get more bang for your housing buck.
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Arlington, Va.: If you move home, you still need to be trained to be independent--sooner or later mom and dad will be gone and you'll need to know how to pay bills, talk to utility companies and understand leases. Seems to me being "responsible" when you come home is more than paying rent and doing dishes.
Elina Furman: Yes, it's important for young adults to take on these responsibilities while living at home.
Elina Furman: Yes, it's important for young adults to take on these responsibilities while living at home.
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22101: I just finished are you being seduced into debt by john commuta and I'm thinking of paying off my student loans faster (I'm about to consolidate my highest rate right now is 2.77%). I know what your thinking what if I need money it'll cost me more. However, I live at home currently, no car loan, no cc debt, minimal monthly expenses, 12k savings, 10k Roth IRA, 10k TSP, and I still planning on maxing out my retirement accounts and savings towards a future home etc. My current loan amount is 28k but being debt free would make me feel a lot better and I then would take that money and put it into my other savings vehicles. BTW my family has no plans of kicking me out because they love how responsible I am.
Elina Furman: Consolidate before July 1...There's going to be a rate increase.
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San Ramon, Calif.: My son opted not to complete college and has taken a variety of fairly well paying jobs since graduating high school. Does any parent necessarily LIKE having their young adult coming back home again? Not really. And the answer is the obvious: We strive to rear children who will grow up to have healthy, happy lives through growing independence economically. This is hardly a realistic goal these days with the cost of living and property gone sky-high.
Another issue looms over the head of the baby boomers - elder care. Many young people who have events occur forcing them to return home, are assuming the new role of potential caretaker of their elderly parent(s). Seems unfair - but the economics of life in the US these days has dictated these changes.
Elina Furman: Yes, the economic situation is significantly bleaker than in the past. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that in September of 2003, 10.9 percent of 20-to-24-year-olds were unemployed versus 6.7 percent in September of 2000. And the jobless rate for 25-to-34-year-olds rose as well, from 3.7 to 6.3 percent in that same period.
And housing is simly unaffordable for any young graduate looking. The National Association of Realtors estimated that the cost of a single-family home rose by 500 percent from 1973 to 2003 to $170,000. Not only that, the median household income for that same time period increased only 300 percent to an average of $42,228 per year. That means that our salaries just can't keep with the rising cost of housing, and many of us feel that there's no way we'll ever be able to experience the dream of home ownership unless we save for a down payment by moving home with Mom and Dad.
So wiith housing prices soaring through the roof, unemployment rampant, college debt rising, and the astronomical cost of health care, the situation is extremely difficult on both parents and boomerangers alike. Sometimes pooling resources is really the only way a family can make ends meet, and that is definitely one of the reasons so many people are moving back in with their parents.
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Washington, DC: I was just hoping you could clarify as to what the average student loan indebtedness is for an undergraduate education. I'm sure it varies between public and private schools.
Elina Furman: Most of us will be saddled with an average school loan of $18,000
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Indianapolis, IN: I'm in my late 20s and I've left home 10 years ago. Lately my mother moved in with me due to some housing problems she was having. It's been very stressful and has wrecked my romantic relationship as my mom now deems it necessary to exercise control over my once blissful life. Should I have done anything differently? does one's obligation to parents override a person concerns, affairs and ambitions?
Elina Furman: Having a parent come home to live with you can be very taxing, to say the least. Especially if they are difficult to get along with. I, too, lived with my mother in a kind of co-dependant state for a long time, and looking back, it did effect my life in terms of preventing me from getting involved emotionally or curtailing relationships that might have worked out. Yes, we all have an obligation to help each other, but the key is to set boundaries early on. Don't feel guilty about needing your space and make sure you mother understands that you refuse to be criticized. I tell boomerangers that living with parents is a privilege, not an entitlement. And the same should apply to parents moving back home. One more thing, make sure your mother doesn't see you as her main social outlet. Encourage her to get involved in the community and make friends of her own, otherwise she will come to depend on you in a way that's not entirely healthy.
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Olney, MD: Another alternative for DC: s/he can ask their parents about whether they'd let her do fewer chores and not impose any kind of curfew if s/he paid THEM $300-400 per month instead of moving out. You're an adult, but if you want to be treated like one, you can't live rent free like you did in high school.
Elina Furman: Paying rent is a great way to "buy" yourself some freedom and encourage your parents to treat you like an adult.
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Alexandria: While I think there's nothing wrong with adult children living with parents in many circumstances, this attitude--"Do they realize that most entry level jobs in the DC area for someone with a liberal arts degree pay around 30K (or less)? How on earth do they expect their kids to live once they get out of college -"-- drives me insane. Yes, people can and do live off less than 30K, even in DC, and when you are young and just starting out, why would you expect any different? It takes time and work to build wealth. Too many people expect it to just be handed to them
Elina Furman: Because if boomerangers get along with their parents, moving home can be a great way to get a leg up on saving for retirement and housing. Why not save money for four years, rather than struggle and save nothing for 10?
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Michelle Singletary: Well folks, that's it for today. Thanks all for joining (including the folks I fussed at). Really I enjoy the banter and think it's great to get all viewpoints. I'm not mad at you if you disagree with me, and I hope the same is true for you. I want this chat and my column to be a forum to discuss all these personal finance issues. Elina thanks you and I really encourage you to get her book if you're in a boomerang situation. Lots of helpful tips.
See you in two weeks. Also look for more answers to some of the questions we didn't get to in my column. Thanks.
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