Motherhood

"Washington area mothers are a lot more satisfied with their roles -- and a lot less likely to second-guess their choices as mothers -- than the recent national dialogue may suggest, according to a new Washington Post poll. Yes, they're stressed. Yes, they worry. But they're really happy, too. Only, to get to that place, they've had to channel a lot of energy and ingenuity into shaping and reshaping their work-life balance to meet their families' changing needs," Washington Post staff writers Jennifer Frey and Claudia Deane reported in Sunday's article, " Children, Careers and Choices (Post, May 8).

Claudia Deane was online Monday, May 9, at 2 p.m. to take your questions and comments.

The transcript follows.

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Claudia Deane: Hello and thanks for joining. Happy belated Mothers Day to all....

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Oakhill, Va.: I have read all the articles as of late about the mommy wars and the "stress" I am supposed to feel as a mom. I have a 10 month old and work part time as a consultant and although, I was surprised that I wanted to work part time, I don't feel it is due to a pressure to be "the best mother possible" I love being a mother and I don't feel as though it's a struggle. I think I have had to make trade offs in my career in order to be part time, but that's life. Before I had a child, I thought that (based on my own mother and my perceptions) that motherhood would be stressful, but I don't feel that at all. I also can't believe how nice other mothers are.

Claudia Deane: Given all the cultural static you reference, we too thought we'd be writing another bad news stories about mothers on the edge. But as you saw, lots of the responses were as positive as yours.

In terms of getting help from other moms, on the flip side, I have to say I expected to see more of this than reported. We found 32 percent of the moms we interviewed "often" relied on other mothers for advice or emotional support... I had thought that might be a bit higher.

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Madison, Va.: Great article. My question is (and maybe you can put this out there to readers), how to deal with people who question your decision to stay home OR to work. I am struggling with this, as I have decided to go back to work but everyone tells me I am selfish and cruel for doing so. "How can I let someone else raise my kids"? they say. This constant criticism is actually worse than the juggling act.

Claudia Deane: Here's one for the rest of you to answer.

Our national polling has definitely found that most Americans, at least at some level, think it would be better if mom was at home with the kids. At the same time, it's harder and harder to get by on one income. This sets up a real psychodrama for many women.

We found that four in ten stay-at-home moms, and nearly three in ten working moms, had been criticized or made to feel guilty about their respective decisions.

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Anonymous: Did you enjoy writing this piece? Did the results of the poll surprise you at all?

Claudia Deane: Both Jennifer and I have young daughters at home, so this project more than most had a real personal edge to it. I thought, if nothing else, maybe I'll be cured of my obsessive need to discuss the challenges of motherhood!

The results did surprise me to some extent. As I mentioned above, the sheer sunniness, for one thing. Though afterward I felt a little naive for not thinking about the joys that every mom I know expresses along with her frustrations.

Did anything surprise you??

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Washington, D.C.: Do you think enough people were polled? How do you determine how many people to include in the survey? Thanks.

Claudia Deane: Results based on 600 folks are perfectly acceptable in the wide world of polling, and even on the high side compared to some political polls. But the more people you have the more you can break the group down into subgroups, ie by income, and so I would have loved to have had the budget to interview closer to 1,000.

As it was, we were able to break down the group into thirds by income, and to look at white moms versus African Americans (though we didn't end up with enough Latinos or Asians to break out.) Part of the surprise of the survey: there weren't that many differences! Far fewer than we expected. Low income moms and high income moms looked much the same across a whole range of questions.

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Washington, D.C.: I am the husband of a stay-at-home mom who recently gave up her career. I've got a few theories about happiness and stay-at-home motherhood.

Like my wife and many of her friends, if you are naturally happy person who derives fulfillment from your life (friends, family, hobbies, etc...) you will be very satisfied.

However if your career is the source of your fulfillment and self-esteem (like too many Washingtonians) then the transition will be difficult. That is the milder form of unhappy motherhood. In too many cases though, career is a (lucrative)distraction for people who are basically unhappy. A way to just be worker and avoid being a person.

To me all noise about how awful it is to be a mother today is carping from that minority who would probably be complaining about something else if they didn't have kids.

It is wonderful to be a mother (and a father) today. Our kids have more choices and opportunities than any before them. It is our jobs to make smart choices that lead to fulfilling lives for them and us. If you over schedule your kids, obsess over getting into some prestigious pre-school, or stay up all night worrying about decorations for your kid's birthday party, that is a reflection of you, not society.

Claudia Deane: A view from the Dad side of the aisle.

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Washington, D.C.: Why do you think these results are so specific to the D.C. area? Where else do you think they might be similar? Thanks.

Claudia Deane: An interesting question. We wanted to do the survey locally, rather than nationally, because we were curious about how Washington's hard-charging professional environment, and high cost-of-living, might affect families here. Plus, we wanted to speak to our readers directly! But I would be very interested in doing a side-by-side of moms nationally -- would be fascinating to see where they differed.

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Alexandria, Va.: What kind of feedback have you received about this article so far? Anyone disagree with your findings?

Claudia Deane: You've seen some of the questions, so you probably get the flavor. One person who did disagree with part of our findings: it was the expert we went to for comments on the poll, an economist who studies work-life issues! She thought that perhaps the positive findings were overblown because women were not likely to admit if they were unhappy. My own interpretation is that there's some of that going on, but we measured respondents emotions and satisfactions so many different ways, and they were so consistent, that I have to conclude the positive findings are real.

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Washington, D.C.: Why don't more employers expand part-time work options? This would allow them to retain talented women and keep those women's skills fresh. Even if part-time work did not include much in the way of benefits, it would certainly be a win-win.

Claudia Deane: A great question. Wish I had an answer for you. Anyone with thoughts?

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Dulles, Va.: I'd be curious to know what kind of part time jobs some of these women found. As someone who's expecting her first child in August., I'm frustrated by the fact that I would love part-time work, but it just doesn't seem to be available for a lot of professions. (Just got my MBA last year and don't want that to be wasted, since I'm still plenty in debt for it.)

Claudia Deane: We heard of a lot of consulting type jobs. Bookkeeping. One woman taught art to pre-schoolers. Many moms seem to start their own small businesses, often home-based.

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Reston, Va.: Any work-life balance advice for someone who's in the process of becoming a mother? Are there resources to help mothers-to-be with their post-baby plans?

Claudia Deane: I hope others will chime in on this one.

There's lots of discussion and support about issues like this on the DC Urban Moms and DC Working Moms listservs, if you're on those. If not, check out the Web site at www.dcurbanmom.com

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Anonymous: I really loved your article! Thank you so much for writing it.

You know what has surprised me most about being a working Mommy? It's the fact that I love it! And I love it without feeling guilty! Before my first child came along, I was so anxious just thinking about how traumatic the return to work would be. Well guess what? It just didn't work out that way for me.

I love my job, and I love being a Mommy. I love that I could independently support my family if I ever needed to, and I love that I am in a job where I can still cook my kids dinner, give them baths and read them bedtime stories every night. How lucky am I?!

I'm expecting my third child now and I know that I am doing the right thing for my family. I am totally at peace with my decision to work. I loved reading your article because it tells me that most women are at peace with their decisions as well, which is exactly how it should be! Cheers to all of us!

Claudia Deane: A great posting....

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Laurel, Md.: Your results seem to contract an idea many of us take as a given -- that the conflicts of work, husbands, day care and expectations put women into a sort of lose-lose situation that would leave them feeling guilty about either not spending enough time with the kids or not brining in enough income.

Is it possible that the extent of these conflicts is just sort of media creation designed to create controversy where it doesn't exist, or that advocacy organizations have been creating their own convenient facts to justify their existence?

Claudia Deane: That's a thought-provoking question. The poll suggests there is something real to the lose-lose feelings -- we found a big chunk of women saying they felt badly if they took time away from their kids to do something for themselves (even stay-at-home moms, who were quite happy with the amount of time they spent with their kids, felt this way.) So that there's some guilt there. And women we spoke to talked about hating that moment when they walked out of the office before their co-workers at night, worrying the whole time that people resent them for leaving early to go pick up their kids.

At the same time, as we reported, most moms said they rarely had second thoughts about their decision. We found that most women in the area work either because they HAVE TO, or to maintain a certain lifestyle that they want for their family, so perhaps that lessens the guilty feelings.

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Upper Marlboro, Md.: Who were the participants in this survey? I have always, for 17 years, hated the fact that I HAD TO leave my kids to others to raise, and I resent it whenever I get stuck in a 2 hour traffic jam (like this morning) and wonder why I even married and had kids just to abandon them after six weeks. What are the demographics behind this survey? Sorry if it's in the article -- I didn't get in until after 10, so I haven't read it online yet. I have been teaching my children how to avoid the mistakes that we made that led to this situation (Get the heck out of the D.C.-area is high on that list!). Thanks.

Claudia Deane: We randomly selected people from all over the Washington region, so it's every sort of mom imaginable. About two-thirds were working moms and one-third stay at home. About a third under age 35 and 21 percent over age 45. All levels of income and education. One in four were unmarried (never married, divorced, separated, widowed.)

Your views are certainly shared by plenty of folks. One in four working moms said if they could afford it they would stop working altogether. That's a minority, but still, one in four people in an area this big is a lot of people. So I don't want to discount these feelings.

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RE: Stay-at-home vs. Working Mother criticism: I find it interesting that one of the previous posters received a lot of criticism for their choice. I currently work and have a toddler girl. I have never experienced any criticism for it. I have neighbors that stay home, neighbors that work, and one who is about to quit work, and we've never had any negative conversations about either side. Everyone I know just seems to understand that you should stay out of what is a very personal decision for a family to make.

Claudia Deane: Re: the previous post. The poll does suggest about one in three moms has had this experience.

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Arlington, Va.: Although the main conflict featured in the poll was the tension between work and family, the big conflict for me has been the conflict between responsibilities to others (work and kids) versus -me. I feel well balanced between my job and my child, but I long to pursue my old hobbies and interests, and to have more alone time with my husband. Did you come across these issues when working on the poll or the story?

Claudia Deane: Definitely! We asked local moms how satisfied they were with the amount of time they were able to spend with: their partners, their children, other adults, and themselves. Guess with which they were least satisfied??

This was particularly true of working moms. Most -- 57 percent-- said they weren't happy with the amount of time they had to do their own thing (a lot higher than for stay-at-home moms, where 39 percent were not satisfied.)

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Arlington, Va.: Yes, your findings surprised me. I thought I wanted to stay home f/t and couldn't understand other moms who said I was crazy to want to stay home. Well, now, after 7 months of being a full-time mom (before that 2 yrs working part-time) I feel I need different stimulation that I know working away from home can give me. I worked for 10 yrs as a professional and left a job with huge responsibility to stay home and raise my children. Now that my second is 7 mos, I'm itching to go back. I love my children but I really feel that I will be a better mom if I go back to work. Not full-time however. Your poll findings gave me the feeling that everyone is hunky-dory, no guilty feelings, about the decision to work or not to work. Perhaps those moms you polled had made their decisions awhile ago and had come to terms with them, forgetting the difficulty coming to those decisions brought on.

Claudia Deane: Someone else suggested this as we were writing.. that the early years were among the hardest because there were so many new things to work out.

I don't think you should read these results as 'everyone is hunky dory and I'm a stress case' (though I'm guilty of initially reading them this way as well!) Nearly everyone we talked to said the situation was hard, and by a large margin, working moms said the "mom part" was even harder than the "job part." I think the sense is more that at some point, after loads of experimentation with different set-ups, most families come to peace with their own version of the juggling act.

In terms of moms who want to work, it's a nice coda to the "mommy wars" theme to note that six in ten moms agree that if a mother is happiest working, it's better for her to work.

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Oakhill, Va.: To do part time in consulting, they cut my pay 50 percent and I just have to work 20 hours a week. I had to propose it though and put it in a formal presentation and really talk to people to get the support my plan.

Claudia Deane: Re; part time work

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Arlington, Va.: In my experience, the crux of the perceived mommy wars is that people's individual situations are so different, that it becomes impossible to relate even with other mothers whom one ostensibly has much in common with. I wish I had a dollar for how many times I have been told I am "lucky" to stay home with my kids and that I don't "have" to work, from people who are driving expensive cars and living in expensive houses, etc., while my family rents and has no savings whatsoever. I am happy with my situation, but it is socially awkward for people to try to relate who have a different set up.

Claudia Deane: We do know that somewhat over four in ten local moms say they are working to maintain a certain lifestyle, but you're right, we don't know if that means 'we want to be able to buy the books Sarah needs for school' or 'we want to buy the BMW Sarah needs for her 16th birthday'

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Falls church, Va.: To the mom who asked how to reply to people who criticize her for working outside the house, one of the answers that I have used in this situations is: I'd be happy to stay home and enjoy more time with my kids, can I send you my mortgage bill and information on how to contribute to their college funds? On another note, I think the choices we make as women/mothers have broader implications beyond the immediate needs of our family. Do we seriously think it would be good for our economy and our country to deprive them of our many contributions to the workplace? No women OBs, pediatricians, teachers, members of congress, judges, etc. ... until the children are in college? One of the theories of Bernard Lewis to explain the economic and development lag in conservative muslim countries as opposed to western countries is precisely the fact that in the former, half of the population does not have the means or the ability to contribute to their societies, thus depriving them of half of their human potential. All things considered, each woman should consider her needs and those of her family, her own strengths and aspirations, her husband's role, etc., and make the choice that is best for all of them at that time. We should support each other whatever our choices are, period.

Claudia Deane: Thanks for posting.

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Oakhill, Va.: I work at Booz Allen and they are so supportive. They even have a forum/club on part time and flexible work arrangements. IT is wonderful !

Claudia Deane: Here's a plug for one local employer.

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Arlington, Va.: What made you decide to write this story?

Claudia Deane: Both being moms, I think we've felt overwhelmed lately by the amount of information you get bombarded with about moms gone mad, and desperate housewives, and obese kids and etc etc. We just wondered how widely shared a lot of those feelings were.

And like I've said, kind of mixed findings: lots of us locally feel the pressure to be perfect and think society has set the bar a wee bit too high these days, but most are also coping just fine, thank you very much.

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Arlington, Va.: Fascinating article yesterday and discussion today, from my perspective -- my girls were born in 1980 and 1982. I work for the government and was fortunate to be able to work part time for 11 years while they were growing up. Yes, I did feel guilty leaving them with sitters at the time (back in the olden days they had to be potty trained before a day care center would take them). But looking back on it -- I wouldn't have done it any other way. I have absolutely no regrets, and my daughters are lovely and well adjusted and my two best friends (besides my husband). One was a national merit finalist and is now a law student and the other is graduating from college next week, hoping to do a second tour in Americorps. So see, you can work and your children won't wind up addicted to drugs or whatever. And I agree with the Dad who commented earlier -- if you are a happy person, you will be happy doing whatever you do, and you will also raise happy children.

Claudia Deane: Working moms, take note.

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Virginia: How would you begin to do a "side by side nationally"? What's it like to start a project like that? How exactly did you begin this project?

Claudia Deane: Sorry for the jargon-y reply. I just meant you would use the same criteria but expand the poll to select a random sample of moms nationwide. Then you could compare the two to see if DC-area moms were more or less stressed, etc. It would be great. Problem being: 'it would be expensive as well. Don't see it in the cards for this year. Any think tanks out there want to take up the charge??

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Washington, D.C.: I think a lot of working moms are WAY too hard on themselves. One of the posters had a comment saying how much it bothered her to leave her kids for someone else to raise every day. I think this working mom needs a new perspective! Instead of dwelling on the hard issues of being a working mom, she needs to pat herself on the back for getting up and going to work every day and helping to make ends meet for her family. That is heroic! In my mind she is teaching her kids a wonderful lesson in responsibility by working hard and showing her kids that she is willing to make sacrifices for their well being.

Claudia Deane: Some support...

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Anonymous: Have you considered conducting a similar poll for fathers? I think in a lot of families (a growing minority?) the dad serves as an equal partner in child care. I'd be very curious to see how dads maintain the balance, given that societal expectations are somewhat different for men. For example, guys might get big kudos for being a hands-on dad (while "it goes without saying" that moms are hands-on) but receive harsher criticism for taking time off work to do kid stuff.

Claudia Deane: Ooooh, I'd love to do that.

We found that dads had primary child care responsibility in only 4 percent of the cases, so it's not a big group yet. In 28 percent of the cases, responsibility was shared equally --> I'll leave it to you to decide whether this number is high or low.

We didn't have space to go into it in the story, but in a national poll we did, we found that most Americans though motherhood AND fatherhood were more demanding these days. So I don't think there's any illusion that dads have it easy. I think I remember seeing some research that showed that dads have been picking up some of the slack when it comes to housecleaning (though moms still do more.)

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Washington, D.C.: Thank you for such a thought-provoking article. As a working mom and a well-educated woman, I love the balance of motherhood and career. And, like others that have posted, I don't find it to be as challenging as some people make it out to be. Fortunately, I am in a great job that allows me the flexibility of telecommuting one day a week and also allows me to come in early so that I am home by 4:00 most days. However, my question is why do many stay-at-home moms (or more typically, husbands who have wives who stay home) feel that by a mother going to work, her child is being "raised by another?" My 11-month old son absolutely loves his babysitter and the 4 other little children that she watches, but she is just that, a babysitter, not a mother to him. His core beliefs and values will come from his father and me. Thank you.

Claudia Deane: The phrase you mention definitely seems to be the one that gets most working moms going. We heard it several times during interviewing.

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Washington, DC: You mentioned the DC Urban Moms and DC Working Moms listservs. The latter's URL is: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/dcworkingmoms/ . It is not part of the DC Urban Mom Web site.

Claudia Deane: thanks!

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Nova: "We do know that somewhat over four in ten local moms say they are working to maintain a certain lifestyle, but you're right, we don't know if that means 'we want to be able to buy the books Sarah needs for school' or 'we want to buy the BMW Sarah needs for her 16th birthday'"

Can't there be a middle ground? In my neighborhood (which is very nice)I HAVE to work to live there. We have two cars over 5 years old. The stay-at-home moms in my neighborhood obviously don't have to work to have the same lifestyle (with brand new cars). Yes, we can buy our kids a lot of things, but a BMW is not/will not be one of them.

Claudia Deane: Absolutely. I think for most people, we are talking about the middle ground. I was being needlessly flip. Thanks for noting.

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Burke, Va.: Of course moms are happy! We finally have some say in how we want to live our lives/raise our children. Many moms sequence in and out of the workforce, taking advantage of both worlds, as their families needs change. Fors years, moms have been told what they should do, whether it was to be at-home or in the workplace. Now we can do both in any combination that suits our family. Support? For 20 years, Family and Home Network has supported parents who choose to raise their children at home, for whatever period of time. Mothers and More is another group that supports moms who find sequencing the way to go. It's a great time to be a mom! Enjoy it!

Claudia Deane: Here's some more suggestions re: support groups.

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Bethesda, Md.: I work part-time (government), and have two kids at home, preschool age. I feel so grateful to have both home time with my kids, and work-time for me -- the financial contribution, the adult interaction, the intellectual stimulation. For me, staying home, as much as I love my kids, is the harder job. An idea I have had -- what about the notion of working now (while kids are younger), and quitting work once they are school age. I like the idea of being home for them after school every day, and having some "me" and organization time while they are at school? It seems to me that as kids get older, and their real lives begin, with real stresses like homework, social issues, etc., that being home for them after school is crucial. Any thoughts?

Claudia Deane: Other moms have thoughts?

We wanted to ask a question on the poll like yours, along the lines of "for what stage of a kid's life is it most important to be at home", but figured we'd really need to ask that of moms who were 'done', so to speak. I'd love to know the answer. Seems like every stage has its own challenges.

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Bethesda, Md.: Regarding "letting other people raise your children"... My mom worked when I was little (I'm 37) and I never had a sense that my parents weren't the most central people in my life by a long shot. I think it's because they always behaved in ways that let me know I was completely central to their lives too.

Claudia Deane: Another thought...

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Rockville, Md.: It was nice to see that mothers aren't as miserable as recent publications have written. I think it is important to note that the current generation of moms is the generation who has benefited from from the women's movement of the 60's and 70's. We grew up being told we could do anything and were encouraged to take on professions that were typically male (physicians, lawyers, business, etc). Now to a certain extent we are paying that price. Making the choice to stay home with your children after spending thousands on a college education is a tough one. I feel that my contributions as a physician and mother can complement each other. We should all stop being so hard on ourselves and more supportive of each other.

Claudia Deane: Thanks Rockville.

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Arlington, Va.: What I find sadder than anything is that ONLY six in ten women thought that mothers should work if it makes them happy. That means 4 in 10, nearly half, believe that mom should stay at home, sacrificing her own identity to her kids. It's the old fashioned, my-way-is-the-only-way, and a pox on a woman who dares to think for herself and develop some other facet of herself, other than her motherhood.

Claudia Deane: Even 27 percent of working moms said this! Certainly must be a lot of psychological stress involved in believing this but having to work.

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Arlington, Va.: Just wanted to weigh in on the working mom front. I work full time, and my (federal) job is fairly supportive. What helps is that most of the people I work with are also working moms (including supervisors). Regarding the comment about "leaving your children for someone else to raise" -- I didn't feel that at all. My daughter went to daycare in my building, and I was so grateful for the superior care she got there. In fact, the staff helped me learn about child care when I felt like a clueless newbie. Because my daughter is an only child, I was glad she had time in a safe environment to meet other kids and make friends. She was more than prepared for kindergarten when the time came. I learned that great child care is wonderful--and I realize that I am lucky to have found it. Yes, I do feel tired sometimes, and weekends so sometimes feel rushed. I may cut back on hours in the future if things get hectic. (I've already shifted hours to begin and end early.) But my job comes with the better health benefits and is more secure for the long term, so I want to hold on to it. As long as my daughter is happy and doing well in school, and I still enjoy what I do at work, I'm staying.

Claudia Deane: You are really making me wish we had asked those 603 respondents if they were federal workers. That's another unique feature of our area. Folks we interviewed, and people in today's chat, seem to suggest that the government is a pretty mom-friendly place to work, all things considered.

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Claudia Deane: Thanks much for the great questions, comments and suggestions.

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