Deborah Carroll and Stella Reid
Authors of "Nanny 911: Expert Advice for All of Your Parenting Emergencies"
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
3:00 PM
"The Nanny 911 philosophy is simple: Brats are not born, they're made--shaped by parents who can't say no, formed by parents who never follow bad behavior with swift consequences, and enhanced by parents who can't communicate," write Deborah Caroll and Stella Reid , the nannies of Fox's hit TV show, in their new book entitled "Nanny 911: Expert Advice for All Your Parenting Emergencies." Now the advice Deb and Stella have been giving to frazzled families on their show is available for all parents who want to restore peace in their homes. Need some advice? Just ask Nanny 911!
Deborah Carroll and Stella Reid of "Nanny 911" was online Tuesday, June 14, at 3 p.m. ET to answer your questions.
A transcript follows.
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Arlington, Va.: How did you get involved in the show? Do you keep in touch with any of the families you've aided? I think you're both terrific with the kids - you both have a way of reaching them.
Stella Reid: I was approached by casting for Nanny 911 and when they called me, I disqualified myself because they needed 10 weeks of time and I am a nanny to a movie producer and mom and stepmom. I think it's a fabulous concept, and I was disappointed. Then a few weeks later they called back and said they only needed a week to two weeks. It was a very quick whirlwind and within 2 and a half hours they were recruiting me for my first interview.
Deborah Carroll: I was contacted by a nanny agency that told me about the show and I said I wasn't interested, and then she called me back and said please go, all the other nannies are going. I said I don't care but called a friend and she came with me. The casting was in Burbank and there was an Ikea down the street so we said, "well at least we can go shopping". I went through the casting process and they called two weeks later and said we want you on the show and then I hemmed and hawed and wasn't sure if I wanted to to do it. I went to the producers and said is this a TV show purely for entertainment or will people take something and learn from it? And they said absolutely. So I said I trust you and I will jump in with both feet, and if that's not what it is I'm going to walk. As far as staying in touch with the families, absolutely. Both Stella and I stay in touch. I am close to the families and have gone back and visited all but one of the families without the cameras. You get very attached to them.
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Woodbridge, Va.: My three year old son is very spoiled and basically rules the roost. When his father and I attempt to discipline him, whether it is a time-out or a spanking, he merely laughs. Is it too late to get him on the right track with successful discipline? How would we go about it?
Stella Reid: It's absolutely not too late to get him on the right track. Some behaviors you have to ignore. The fact that he's laughing-it doesn't matter. He has to be in time out. Just keep being consistent. It's his job to test the limits. If you don't have the stamina to see that through, then you should find something else that works for you. There's no point in following through on a consequence if it's not working for you. Remove privileges, but be big on positive reinforcement as well as the consequences.
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Leesburg, Va.: How do I get my 3-year old son to fall asleep in his own bed? I made the mistake of letting him fall asleep with me and then I move him to his bed. Now he refuses to go in his own bed.
Thanks.
Deborah Carroll: What we do is a form of sleep training. When the child is used to falling asleep with someone, have a parent stay in the room but instead of lying down, keep a chair in the room and when the child wants to get up tell them it's night time. Gradually move the chair farther and farther out until it's in the hallway.
Stella Reid: I would suggest also that the parent stay by the chair until the child falls asleep. They aren't supposed to interact with the child but gradually reduce the time by increments of ten minutes, so at the end of the week it's a ten minute process.
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Washington, D.C.: I've noticed that you address nearly every problem with the children by "fixing" the parents. In your opinion, are there no bad children, only bad parents?
Stella Reid: I really do not believe that children are born bad. I think if you took labels off children they would stop behaving in a certain way. I don't think parents are bad, they just haven't defined their way of behaving. I think children are a product of environment, at home or school or wherever they go.
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Washington, D.C.: What advice to you have for dealing with toddler tantrums when you're in the car? Time-outs obviously wouldn't work in this situation.
Deborah Carroll: I have a fairly unique way of dealing with problem children in the car. I actually have pulled over and given the toddler a time out on the side of the road (obviously a safe side of the road). The other thing I do as children get older is I make them do pushups and jumping jacks on the side of the road. The purpose of this is, obviously you are very antsy in the car, so get out of the car and work out some of the energy. It does delay your journey a bit and sometimes makes you late. One time it made my children late to school and they had to go into the principal's office and explain. They never did it again.
Stella Reid: We do talk in our book about how sometimes children have tantrums in car because of the time frame. You've never notified them you have to leave, you leave them in the car while you run errands, etc. That's why we suggest you have a schedule, such as running errands while they're in school. We're not saying you change your life to cater to the children, but plan to have toys and books in the care. The goal is prevention, not cure.
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Philadelphia, Pa.: Great show!! Just a quick comment. We watch the show all the time with our daughter 7. Every time she starts to act like one of the children on the show we calmly ask her if she wants us to call one of the nannies on Nanny 911. She always says no - calms down and we talk about what was bothering her. Works like a charm every time!! Thank you.
Stella Reid: (and Deb) Perfect! Keep up the great work.
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Fairfax, Va.: First of all ladies, I love the show. You give such good advice and you handle the situations so well with these impossible parents and children..
My question is, my husband and I do not have any children, we simply cannot afford to not have both of us working at this point, and I really don't want to place an infant in day care. What is your opinion on babies in this situation? I notice on the show there generally tends to be one stay at home parent...
Thanks!!!
Deborah Carroll: It's obviously a personal choice if you want to put your child in daycare or not. It can be beneficial to your child if you find the right daycare. There are also in home daycares. Many of the shows have a stay at home parent but we don't talk about that much on the show, because our emphasis is on what to do when you are at home. It's a personal choice, so as long as you find the right caregiver it can be a great experience for both the parents and the children.
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Auckland, New Zealand: Hi Deb and Stella. Great show! We have a 2.5 year old girl who has started to bite her friends. She is, however, an otherwise lovely, well-tempered, happy, social child. Part of me thinks that she thinks its acceptable playing. But she also seems to understand that it's wrong when we tell her. Other time it seems to be a way of pushing other children away who are annoying her or somehow "invading her space".
Why do nice children bite other nice children and how do you stop it?
Thanks.
Stella Reid: Deb and I both agree on our practice for kids who bite: we tell them the only things they are allowed to bite is food. We give them a baby teething ring, and that is the only thing they are allowed to bite. We do give them time outs for biting, our experience is that children usually bite out of frustration. We find that when you take the focus on biting and put it on the teething ring, it fades. It is also helpful to talk to the children about why you are frustrated or angry, even at that age.
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Reston, Va.: Do you think parents find it harder to say no now than they did in the past? I am amazed by the behavior permitted by parents on your show, but even more amazed at how quickly you are able to create change by establishing simple rules of conduct. Why are parents letting their kids rule the roost?
Deborah Carroll: I think that the biggest problem we have is that today parents seem as though they're a little too afraid of their children. They're afraid of what people will think, they don't know how to discipline their children, and they try too hard to be friends instead of parents. They want to be nicer to their children than their parents were to them. They want to be friends with their kids. But what happens is that along the way their children lose respect for them. But becoming friends is something that happens when you're all adults.
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Chicago, Ill.: My two-year-old is very sweet and happy little boy. But when he does something he's not supposed to, I'll give him a firm no. This results not in a tantrum of crying, screaming or kicking..but he'll stare at me, and then start hitting me. I'll give him time-out but he always does this. Why? And what other options do I have?
Stella Reid: To be honest, sometimes the word 'no' is overused. I would only use the no with a very authoritative tone if they were in a dangerous situation. Perhaps you may be startling him. I am a big believer in time-outs and talking. It's not to be seen as a punishment, it's to calm down and think about their actions. So my suggestion would be carry on with the time out and try to use words other than though, and try to redirect the conversation ("that wasn't nice, that hurt my feelings, etc") and save no for when they're going to stick their fingers in the fire. You have to address the hitting--tell that's not the way you should communicate or express feelings. Believe me, at the age of 2, he understands what's going on.
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Washington, D.C.: I've seen the show and how parents are supposed to treat their children. But what about if you're babysitting a friend's children --should you act any differently?
Deborah Carroll: You have to first clear it with your friend and make sure that she's ok with you taking that sort of control. But it's perfectly fine to be clear with children what you expect of them as a babysitter or a nanny. Make it clear that you don't tolerate that kind of behavior and that if they behave that way with you there will be consequences. Clear it with your friend, and also make clear to the children what kind of behavior you will and will not tolerate.
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Vienna, Va.: Nannies: What is your take on ADHD children? Do you agree with all the medication being dispensed to them in this country?
Stella Reid: I'll be honest, I get concerned that children seem to be overmedicated. I am also concerned that people get very defensive and want to have their children tested, and children are continuing to be out of control in school and need to be on medications. But I believe it should be a last resort; you should exhaust all of your other resources first.
Deborah Carroll: I'll add that with the suspicion of anything like ADHD you should have your children, but before you make the decision to give them medications I believe it is your parental responsibility to check out the pros and cons of that medication. I am also a believer in checking for allergies, because a lot of it can be alleviated because many of these children's conditions are aggravated by wheat, food coloring, and other allergies. So I would advise you to do your research.
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Arlington, Va.: Do you help select the families for the show? What do you learn about them before you arrive at the home? Has there been a situation yet in which a casting has not worked out, you had had to leave early or other similar incident?
Stella Reid: We are not involved in the selection casting process, but before we go we do get information about the family. We get video tapes and a bio, and we also sit down and discuss it with the casting department. I have not yet bailed or walked off or relinquished responsibility on the show, but I have seriously considered it!
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Columbia, Mo.: I have a daughter who is a little over a year and a half old. Recently she began throwing serious tantrums. I have tried to ignore these fits and put her in a naughty spot, I have also tried to hold her and calm her because she works her self into such a state that I know she has absolutely lost her connection to with reality. I have tried to take away toys and offer options to earn them back as a way to reach her. It is difficult because I know that I am doing something that is promoting this behavior but I don't know what it is. The worst fit was after leaving a art festival. The whole ride home she was trying to escape from her car seat and screaming bloody murder. By the time we came home she then did not want to get out of the car, and when I took her out of the car she ran to the end of the driveway, and was looking at me like she wanted to throw herself out into traffic. I did grab her and took her to the naughty spot, but these incredibly dramatic displays worry me. What can I be doing differently to reach such a young child- I am absolutely willing to be tough, I just don't know how to go about it. Thanks so much.
Deborah Carroll: First of all, at 18 months you may be being a little too tough. I think the biggest part of dealing with children that age is prevention. This child needs warnings before change is about to occur. At 18 months they've learned how to walk, run and they are starting to exert authority and test their boundaries. So what we like to do is give the children warnings. For example, when leaving the festival say "in five minutes it's going to be time to leave" and after then "in a few minutes time to get in your stroller, car seat, etc." and preparing her for the next step. At 18 months she can go into time out but she should not be so hysterical going in their that she can't calm down. So it's all about telling her so she can prepare for what's coming. Then if the child does go into a tantrum, she can go into time out and be told "sit here and calm down." At that age she should only be in time out for 1-2 minutes.
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Suitland, Md.: My son is one year old and has the worst attitude. I have tried everything from time-out to spankings. When I tell him No he throws his self down or will squeal like he is irritated. When I call him and he is watching television he won't move. I don't know what his problem is. I have been telling him "No" since he has started to crawl. What do I do?
Stella Reid: That's his problem right there. You've been saying no for far too long. No is a word that can easily be used too often. It's time to go back to basics (much in this book would be helpful for you). I am surprised that you would say a one year old has a horrible attitude. You need to respect him-it's a two way street. Don't yell at him when he's watching TV (for one thing a one year old shouldn't be sitting there watching TV), he needs to be active doing other things.
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Sterling, Va.: Hello ladies,
My kids really enjoy the show and it has helped them recognize many of their own good and bad behaviors! I've noticed that most of the families have very young children, around preschool age. What suggestions do you have for older grade school children in dealing with chores or homework issues?
Deborah Carroll: Actually, many of mine have been older children. I am working up towards teenagers this season. What I do is come up with a reward system whereby children earn the privilege of watching TV or playing with their Playstation, etc. and in order to do that they have to do their chores and behave well. They respond well to it, they want to earn. I use a marble jar or magnet system and then those are put towards a reward such as TV time.
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First airplane trip: Love the show! On Saturday I'm taking my 2 and 3 year old boys on their first airplane trip. They are generally well behaved, but I truly believe there is a point where they will get over stimulated and just go bonko crazy. I hate it for me, but I really hate it for the other passengers. I've asked other moms who travel with the young children and I can't believe the most common answer is to ask the doctor for a calming drug--A DRUG--this can't be the right answer. I've got a portable DVD and little play presents for along the way. Any other drug-free suggestions for the freak out moments?
Stella Reid: Definitely talk to them before the trip and explain what it will be like. You don't want to scare them but I would put the onus on the fact that they will be around a lot of people and they want to be well behaved. Non-drug solutions include chamomile tablets, which are homeopathic and melt under your tongue if that's the route you want to go. The DVD player is a great idea, I'm not advocating TV and Playstation in general as a babysitter but this can be a good distraction. Also use games such as "I spy" or singing songs. Feel free to take them on walks, don't feel you have to stay in your seats.
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Stella Reid: Also make sure to limit sugar intake.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.: We have a 3-year-old daughter for whom getting dressed in the morning and combing her hair (and getting her PJs on at night) is a daily battle. She will fuss, kick, scream - it takes the two of us to dress her - one to hold her while the other tries to get clothes on her. In order to do her hair, one of us has to hold her, while the other does her hair. We have tried everything - trying to turn it into a game, raising our voices - to no avail. She has always been a very high energy, high needs child, but our patience is wearing thin. What can we try to turn dressing into a pleasure and not a battle?
Deborah Carroll: At that age, the children should be trying to get themselves dressed. Let her pick out her clothes, give her a badge that says "I picked my clothes today," which also puts the onus on her if she comes out with an orange top or blue top! Also set up a reward system if she does get herself dressed every day. Brushing hair must be done--try to get her as involved as possible. Tell her if she refuses to have her hair brushed she will have to get her hair cut. Most girls that age like to have long hair but be prepared that you might have to get a haircut once!
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Deborah Carroll: By the way, I've been there myself. It took weeks of persevering to get her out of the house. Also, give her a timer for getting ready so she can try to beat the clock. And if all else fails, take her in her PJs. I pulled up to the school and they got dressed really quickly!
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Odenton, Md.: I love your show. Do you have any advise on how to potty train a child?
Deborah Carroll: Potty training a child: if you're starting from scratch get the child familiar with the toilet and the potty. When you go to the bathroom take them with you and don't make it a big deal. Say that in a certain amount of time, "you will be two and then you will be using the potty." Say this matter of factly and calmly. And then when you do start to train, take off their diaper and get them started using the toilet and also make sure to reward. I use M&Ms. Be very calm and matter of fact, and when they do have an accident just say "oops, you had an accident" without making a big deal of it. Potty training can take a very short amount of time if the child is ready.
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Washington, D.C.: Do you have any advice for teenagers and their frustrated parents? My sister is 17 and she and my mother cannot get along. They have little respect or even like for each other and no one needs to know what to do at this point. My mom complains that my sister is ungrateful and unkind while my sister thinks there's no point in trying as she is constantly "yelled at." Any ideas?
Stella Reid: What I would suggest is that as frustrated as the mother is, she needs to be the bigger person here. She is the adult and she needs to lead my example. Respect is a two way street, it needs to be given and earned at the same time. I would suggest a family meeting to try reverse psychology--I would avoid comments such as "I missed out of this because of you, etc." but in terms of instilling gratitude, don't give her as much. If she's being ungrateful, is that because she's been given too much? It seems like in their squabbling the mother is coming down to the child's level and not really being a parent.
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Arlington, Va.: Thanks for this great program. It's given me and my husband a lot of information to think about how we want to raise our children. Do you notice a difference in the attitudes between parents here and in the UK?
Stella Reid: Yes, Deb and I agree on this wholeheartedly. It's a compliment but a backhanded one: American parents are very polite but too an extreme, they are overly polite in raising their children. They give their children too many choices but they also focus too much on being their children's friends instead of being parents and disciplining their children. Discipline is not about punishment but about giving them boundaries and limits, not about being harsh or stern but about setting consequences for actions. Parents in the U.K. aren't concerned when their kids say "I hate you"-in fact we joke about it because in a way it means they're doing their job. I believe if these parents could find a balance with being good on discipline we probably wouldn't have the TV show.
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Orono, Maine: We've already seen one follow-up with a couple who had very significant marital problems that affected the way they handled their kids. It was clear from that show ("Marriage 911") that the parents had re-lapsed into their pre-Nanny 911 habits.
Do you do any follow-up on the families that you work with? And do most of them really make lasting changes?
Stella Reid: We don't officially do follow-up with the cameras and the show, but Deb and I do follow-up and we are in constant contact with the families. Many of them do make long-lasting changes.
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Whining and Complaining: Our sweet-natured girl, who just turned two on Friday, has developed a habit of asking for ANYTHING with a whining/complaining voice. It's driving us nuts. As of now, we make her repeat every request with her "nice" voice, but that's getting annoying, too. Any ideas, or is our method going to pay off at some point?
Stella Reid: The method will absolutely pay off, you're doing exactly the right thing and congratulations. If it's annoying to have to listen to her repeat herself, imagine how annoying it is for her to have to do it!
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New York, N.Y.: It has been noted you don't use physical punishment, which I believe is good. Have you ever found any time when spanking can be effective?
Stella Reid: The opposite, actually. I've done it in the past but it is counterproductive. It shows children that when you are angry and frustrated and don't know what to do, you lash out.
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Deborah Carroll: Thank you to everyone for showing your interest and watching the show. We hope that any and all of our answers help. We look forward to talking with you again sometime.
Love,
Nanny Deb
Stella Reid: (Because Nanny Deb loves everybody!)
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Stella Reid: Thank you to everybody for your questions. Thank you for watching the show. The longer you watch, the longer we stay on air. I know it's hard but please learn by our mistakes. We wrote the book from our own real life child care experiences.
Lots of Love,
Nanny Stella
Deborah Carroll: (Nanny Stella only loves certain people! :-)
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