Chatological Humor* (Updated 7.18.05)

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

Daily Updates: 7.13.05 | 7.14.05 | 7.15.05 | 7.18.05

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in The Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This Week's Poll . Vote. Vite.

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

This is the intro I'd hoped I wouldn't have to write. Tragically, I must. It represents a significant failure on my part. And it is a failure not just for me, but for the hallowed principle of cynicism, which is the driving force behind investigative journalism. I stand naked before Woodward.

Several weeks ago I took the new SAT, the one with a writing sample. I'd heard stories from friends about very talented kids - natural writers -- who'd gotten poor grades on this test. My assumption was that the test was badly graded, rewarding crappy formulaic writing but penalizing kids for being creative or interesting. My goal was to prove the test a sham. I decided to write a technically good essay, showing unmistakable talent as a writer, but I would write it satirically, with hostile flourishes and open contempt for the system. Basically, I would write a controversial essay, but an inarguably good one. And see what happened.

Problem: You are not allowed to take any materials out of the test. How would I keep a record of my essay? Solution: I wired myself for sound, putting a microcassette in my pocket and snaking a wire up my shirt, and down a sleeve. After I wrote the essay, I whispered it into my cuff.

Here was the question, and my essay:

Question:

Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples.

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Answer:

All knowledge a person acquires in life is potentially valuable and should be remembered, even if it may not seem important at the time.

For example, imagine a circumstance in which the entire course of a person's future is determined by how he performs on a standardized examination -- moreover, that this exam includes a supposed test of his writing ability that is administered under a time deadline. This is, of course, ludicrous and arbitrary. Good writing is not a race. No one stood over Shakespeare with an hourglass and said, "Will, you have 25 minutes to produce Sonnet # 17. Go!" Skill and speed are often incompatible.

To use a more accessible analogy, it would be like attempting to judge a golfer's competence by having him compete in Speed Golf -- where the object was to whack the ball and then race after it, with the first person to complete 18 holes declared the winner. Preposterous.

However, life CAN be preposterous and unfair and arbitrary, and one must make the best of what we are dealt. And that is where retaining memories comes in. This essay is a case in point. My knowledge of Shakespearean sonnets -- that is, my memories of having read Shakespearean sonnets -- permitted me to make that rather clever analogy, above.

Moreover, the experiences of life itself -- those illogicalities and absurdities one must deal with all the time -- are also a source of potentially valuable memories. That is because they form the basis of an intellectual understanding of, and appreciation for, irony and satire. Irony and satire are important tools of any good writer. They allow a person to comment in a particularly sophisticated way about things in society that may need to be reformed or changed for the better -- such as ineffective, unfair, and counterproductive testing procedures that are judged arbitrarily by unqualified persons.

Indeed, irony and satire are the most important attributes of the effective social critic, especially when applied subtly.

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So, that was the essay. I waited, and recently got the results.

I got 10 of 12 points, which is a very good grade. According to the SAT, two separate scorers each gave it the same grade.

I can't even gripe about the two lost points, since a reasonable argument can be made that I danced around a direct answer.

This is why you are reading this in a chat intro, and not in my column.

Total score: 800 reading comp, 770 writing, 610 math. Yes, that math score really bugs me.

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Take today's poll. So far you are doing very well on the big stuff, but are showing yourselves far too promiscuous in your affections. There are very obvious correct answers here, people.

A good comic week. The hands-down pick of the week is Sunday's Doonesbury. The hands-down runner up is a surprise: today's Other Coast. I also direct your attention to Sunday's Opus, because it has a truly bizarre pubic hair joke.

Does anyone know the origin of the expression, "hands-down?"

Let's go.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week: Doonesbury , ( July 10 )

First Runner Up: The Other Coast ( July 12 )

Special Mention: Opus, ( July 10 ) -- not online yet. Hope to have it up by the end of the chat.

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Salt Lake City, Utah: In light of these comments from the Achenblog -- "Weingarten must be stopped. He lives within walking distance of RFK, and he's been to 5 Nats games so far, especially recently, and I think you see where this is heading. He's 0 for 5! The man's a walking jinx. Every time he even gets within sniffing distance of the Stadium/Armory Metro stop the Nats relievers begin to twitch. I mean, what are the odds that someone will attend five games of a team that has racked up a 30-13 record at home and lose all five of them? Is there a statistician in the house? The man needs to be sent down, put on waivers, exorcised, whatever. Just keep him away from RFK." -- I have just one thing to say. Please attend more home Yankees games!

Gene Weingarten: You will be delighted to know the following:

AT seven A.M. Saturday morning, my daughter, Molly, and I left D.C. and drove to the Bronx, where we attended a game between the Yankees and the Indians. The Indians won 8-7, with the tying run on third in the bottom on the ninth.

The trip home was funereal.

I am now 0-6 this year. I am afraid to attend any more Nats games. I will, though. Unless of course a consortium of True Fans and, perhaps, the home team executive office might decide to offer me an inducement to stay home. You know where to reach me. Unless I am at a game.

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Gene Weingarten: (I am reliably informed that we cannot obtain the Opus link, and will try to before the end of the chat.)

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Burkini Faso: Is it just a coincidence that Valerie Plame's name rearranges to spell 'I reveal ample'? Or is this some CIA operative code?

Gene Weingarten: No anagrams are accidental. They are God's secret code. Do you think it is accidental that my name is an anagram for "renewing age ten"?

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Sanaa, Yemen: Dear Mr. Weingarten,

I recently received word that you may be interested in properties of exquisite nature here in the beautiful Yemen. I would be honored to assist you in your estate search and relocation to the fine country. Certainly, you could afford much here with you $16.7 billion dollars. I would ask but a mere pittance of a fee on your behalf to retain my services.

Ibeen Haad

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: A Real Estate of Anxiety , ( Post Magazine, July 10 )

Gene Weingarten: The day after this column appeared, I received two emails from real estate agents informing me that now is EXACTLY the right time to sell a house and buy another. Their logic was insane. Of course, they were offering to handle the deals for me.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Hey Gene,

When sending an e-mail today I was extremely pleased that it was appropriate to use the word "gestalt" in describing something. A terrific concept paired with a similarly terrific word.

In considering my pleasure over this word, I wondered -- have you ever noticed that German has all the best words? Or rather, all my favorite English words have been lifted from German. Consider gestalt, zeitgeist, and perhaps the greatest word of all time, schadenfreude. All words that so perfectly capture abstract and fascinating concepts.

No sociopolitical thesis accompanies my observation, although I am sure many could be contrived.

Poop.

P.S. Poop is a pretty perfect word, too. I especially enjoy the palindromic qualities (significantly enhanced by writing poop all in lower case).

Gene Weingarten: You have forgotten weltschmerz, leitmotiv, weltanschauung, and angst.

The Germans definitely see the big picture. Um, in my first book, I defined "schadenfreude" as "feeling good about other people's bad fortune, such as being gassed to death and roasted in ovens."

Sorry, sorry. I am just quoting from published material.

Gene Weingarten: lietmotif.

Gene Weingarten: leitmotif.

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New York, N.Y.: Hi, Gene, hi, Liz, your colleague Gene Robinson has a very funny yet serious column today about how the Bush White House uses/abuses language. It's worth a link.

Cheers.

washingtonpost.com: Syntax, Disassembled , ( Post, July 12 )

Gene Weingarten: I agree.

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Dave from Herndon: Heya G-Dawg (that's my new nickname for you)

I had this thought the other day that people, in theory, are GREAT. But man, the practical application of interacting with them constantly can be... trying.

I've been doing this thing out at the airport where I'll give away a roundtrip ticket on the ol' airline. I'll have some silly contest for the Ugliest Carry-On or Worst Hair Day. Winner gets a ticket.

So here's a quiz.

7 times out of 10 they:

A. Thank me profusely

B. Hug me

C. Ask for a ticket for their friend

Also, I got a spot at the Laugh Factory in L.A. this Saturday night. Try to come. We can pull the ol' "Bereavement Fare" flim-flam.

D-Dawg (My new nickname for myself.)

Gene Weingarten: Hey, Dave. Congrats. And for reasons you cannot suspect, that "Bereavement Fare" joke is oddly funny.

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Alexandria, Va.: These days, I'd rather be a nail than a hammer. Chances are I'd be shot into a board with one of those fancy pneumatic nailguns and that just sounds fun.

washingtonpost.com: This is my favorite question... comment. Ever.

Gene Weingarten: I don't really want to step on your excellent line, but what if you opted for naildom, got shot into a board pneumatically, achieved that very satisfying rush, but then found yourself attaching the seat to the backrest of a bench in the incontinence ward of a nursing home?

I don't think you've thought this through enough.

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Sol, ID: Is it just me or do these girls remind you of Jon Benet Ramsey?

It is nice, though, to finally see people who wear more makeup than Ronald Reagan, even if they are creepy little girls in lip gloss, rouge and mascara.

washingtonpost.com: Augh. I need to go wash out my eyes.

Gene Weingarten: This is as disturbing a website as I have ever seen. And I have seen the winning website in the 1999 Style Section Copyeditors'Five-Minute Challenge, which was a race after deadline to find the single most disgusting website around. The challenge was won, as I recall, by Mr. David Hall, who gets his just props here for the first time. It could make a vulture puke.

This is worse.

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Question/Technic AL: Are the questions you answer in your quasi-blog updates "leftovers" from those submitted during the chat? Or are people contacting you through other means (email, invisible submit question box, voo-doo, etc.)?

Gene Weingarten: They are partly leftovers. Some are emails I get after the chat. See next posting.

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Columbia, S.C.: Gene,

It can be inferred that everyone who reads this chat understands good conversation and appreciates excellent humor. It is also established fact that every single woman reading this is quite attractive. What are the chances you and/or Chatwoman might arrange a personals site related to the chat? Imagine the potential for hilarity (and Hax's reaction)!

Gene Weingarten: Would people like some bloglike capability in this chat? A way to speak to each other, message-board style?

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Tinseltown: "I honestly thoughts chickens could fly."

"What does a yellow light mean?"

Not the most memorable lines, but if you know what they mean, you remember.

Gene Weingarten: True enough. I remember nearly peeing my pants at the yellow light line from Taxi. It was one of those rare instances where the repetition of the joke made it better.

(It's essentially the same joke at Who's on First")

I believe the actual quote from WKRP was "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." They hit the tarmac like "sacks of wet cement."

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Chestertown, Md.: I intend to tell my friend that I'm sleeping with his girlfriend. This won't be a problem, according to Karl Rove, because I won't actually mention her name, just that the woman I'm sleeping with is his girlfriend.

My real complaint here isn't that Rove did something wrong, or even that he's attempting to excuse his actions. What bothers me is the complete and utter lack of imagination involved in the excuse. I mean, contrast this with Clinton's excuse that he responded truthfully in saying that Monica Lewinsky was not, at the moment he was being questioned, engaging in any sex act with him. That took creativity, panache. He found a loophole in an otherwise airtight question and went for it.

And finally, it bothers me because Rove clearly stole this joke from you.

Note that according to Karl Rove, I'm not actually insulting your joke, just saying that Rove said something stupid, and he clearly stole it from one of your old jokes. Any other inferences drawn from this, according to Rove, are immaterial.

Gene Weingarten: I don't think Clinton actually said that, but he should have.

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Anagram Name: My married name is "stridency heroine." My maiden name is "Rosily ace irony."

I am still trying to figure out if I was my truer self before or am now after marriage.

Gene Weingarten: Stridency heroine is pretty great.

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Michigan bi?: Gene, this is unbelievable.

I read your column and your chats because they're funny, and make my workday bearable. I'm not even a comics connoisseur.

I submit a comment about kissing guys because I want to contribute for a change, and WHAM! I am re-evaluating my sexuality. I know, I know -- you said it was your completely ignorant opinion. But I agree with just about everything you have written, from bigotry to VPL -- so why not this?

So, I have learned on the Internet that either Bi's don't really exist ("Gay, Straight, or Lying") or about one-third of all men have some bisexual tendencies.

Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: Here are my thoughts, for what little they are worth: Someone who wonders if he or she is gay should simply ask him or herself what she or he is thinking about at the very instant before release, when one is alone. There's a mighty big clue there.

Okay? That is the best I can do here in the chat. Sorry, Liz. This doesn't seem like rocket science to me.

I actually once had a very funny conversation with someone about this subject. By the end were were laughing our asses off.

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Anonymous: Doubtfire, MI

You realize, don't you, that you're catching all this baseball grief from a woman who has taken a cue from her girly-legged husband and follows pro cycling? This is a sport where the premier event lasts three weeks, whereas in baseball it only seems that way. And where the action can be just as subtle to the less educated. But where watching it in person doesn't help. But we'll attend a baseball game with you if you'll watch a bike race with us. Here are some tips, if you'd like:

1. Be European.

2. Arrive early. By this I mean three or four days early for some of the more choice, mountainous locations.

3. Pass the time by drinking heavily and painting the pavement with slogans and symbols, preferably giant penises (somehow these never make it onto network TV, but trust me, it's the standard motif).

4. When the caravan goes by - a parade of floats and tarted-up cars blasting music and throwing treats and chotchkes - risk your life scooping up gimmes. (Pamplona is for wussies.)

5. Spend about three seconds, or up to thirty if you've scored that mountaintop vantage, watching a bunch of sweaty skeletons fly by in possibly the most beautiful, awe-inspiring and (with full acknowledgement of those who would have us believe it is hitting a fastball) difficult feats in sport.

And because I'm a glutton for abuse, I'll throw this out (ahead of any results from today's key first-day-in-the-real-mountains): My heart is with Armstrong, but my money is on Vinokourov or Basso.

Gene Weingarten: This is Jef Mallett, creator of "Frazz."

Jef, this is funny, but I suspect many people sort of skipped right over it. You are a zealot. It reminds me of a time I was at a Gordon Lightfoot concert in Detroit many years ago. Gordon came onstage and spoke in a heartfelt manner to the crowd, congratulating them, seriously, on their wonderful recent good fortune and opining about how proud they must me.

People were looking at each other, shrugging shoulders. It turned out the Red Wings had just gotten into the playoffs, or won the first round, or something. Gordon, a Canadian, thought people would give a rat's ass. So finally he sort of shuffled back to stage rear and played the Edmund Fitz.

Hahahaha.

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"your City and State": I have a personal aptonym for you. I'm playing poker tomorrow night with a guy named Joe Kerr. I swear.

Gene Weingarten: Very nice.

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Winston-Salem, N.C.: Gene, Hi and I love your column and chat, thanks for both! I am writing because I feel I have lost my way a bit, and I am searching for answers. So this is definitely a Dr. Gene question. I am a 42-year-old woman who is currently living with a woman in a committed relationship. I was married (to a man) for 17 years and had three children (by the same man, by the way). I loved my husband and was never sickened by sex with him, that is not why I am having sex with a woman now. I love her and enjoy her company. I had a life crisis at 40, I am still going through it, I think. I am not a hardcore lesbian; I love men. Another thing you should know before I ask my question, I have lived here in the South my whole life, I was raised in a Baptist Church and I have always voted Republican, just like my dad.

So here is the question, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I really having some kind of nervous breakdown? Nothing makes sense anymore, and my family thinks I am certifiable. Tell me, Dr. Gene!

Gene Weingarten: Honest to God, I don't know what to say here. Is there anyone out there who feels competent to address this person's question, seriously? I don't think she is looking for humor.

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Confus,ED: Gene,

I have a problem and quite frankly Hax does not cut it for me. My girlfriend has two moms, who, for this chat I will call X and Y. Y is currently in jail for beating up X. The problem is that next Saturday is their anniversary. I already have a gift for both X and Y. Do I give this give and risk upsetting X or should I just forget about the gift and simply show up?

Gene Weingarten: They are celebrating their anniversary in jail? If she is out of jail and they are celebrating their anniversary, then you act like nothing ever happened, and give your gift. If she is out of jail and they are not celebrating their anniversary, then there is no present to give.

I would say an anniversary that occurs when one party is in jail for beating up the other party is not an anniversary that needs to be celebrated at all.

Am I missing something?

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Anonymous: I'm not a girlie-girl, however, I was not born with the gene that makes me want to risk my life (I think most men are born with that one!). So, I went whitewater rafting last year and during the last run of the weekend, we did a class 4 rapid and one of my friends was tossed from the raft and didn't make it. I knew I needed to "get back on the horse" so I did the same expidition last weekend. I was scared but was able to do all the runs until the last one. Everyone else was pumped and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't bring myself to seeing someone else get hurt, even tho no one did. Part of me is wishing I'd just bit the bullet and did it (too late now) and part of me just couldn't risk it. So how big a wuss am I?

Gene Weingarten: You are asking if you are a wuss because you showed some fear at doing something that caused a friend to die, in your presence, a year ago?

That might well be a horse I could never get back on.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Almost everyone in my dog park uses the bag The Washington Post comes in to pick up their dog's poop. As a dog owner yourself, I'm wondering if you use The Post bag, or whether you would consider that something of a sacrilege?

Gene Weingarten: I prefer the New York Times bag. Unlique the Post bag, it is opaque. It is reason alone to get the Times.

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M, UT: I can't believe the whole chat went by on July 5 with nobody getting in your face (ha, ha) about you kissing your dog on the lips. I have seen people do this and the dogs always do it open mouth with lots of licking. You do know where dogs' mouths have been? Ugh.

Gene Weingarten: I routinely let strangers' dogs like my face. They dig the 'stache.

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Chicago, Ill.: From your essay, speed golf sounds much more fun to both play and observe. Of course, I'm still trying to figure out the appeal of the stupid regular version to anyone who is not incredibly drunk and driving the gold cart.

Gene Weingarten: Speed Golf was actually an invention of Tom the Butcher. I hadn't recalled that when I used it in the essay. I hereby give him credit.

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New York, N.Y.: Why is it I can't stop laughing at this ? Please explain.

Gene Weingarten: You cannot stop laughing for the same reason I cannot stop laughing. Some funny things need not be explained.

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Right-leaning manifesto: Gene,

Last week you asked if anyone conservative wanted to take on the idea that the conservative-leaning poll-takers were less in lockstep then the liberal-leaning poll-takers. I'm housebound while we wait for Dennis to blow by our little corner of Floriduh, so here goes--this may take a while, but some of us are complicated:

While it's true that the Republican Party has reached out-successfully, by the way--to the religious right, the reason the Left can't wrap its arms around our thinking is typical of the Left: they look at people as members of a group (the more easily pigeonholed, the better, I suppose), while we look at people as individuals. Assuming that any conservative must agree completely with the Lotts and Helmses of the world is just like assuming that any liberal must be an atheistic dope-smoking, baby-killing, gay-marrying, earth-first, union-thug communist driving a big SUV to the no-nukes rally. Your correspondent's comment that the GOP has "sold its soul to the Baptist church for a honkin' payout of votes" is a sour-grapes reflection of the fact that the Democratic Party long ago sold its soul to Jimmy Hoffa and Barbra Streisand and George Soros for money to buy votes-and they still couldn't keep their power!;

So now that we have that established, let's get down to specifics:

I believe in freedom of speech, activity, and pursuit of happiness up to exactly the point where it affects anyone else's rights to the same. Your obligation as a beneficiary of that freedom is to apply adult-level critical thinking to consider the effects of your actions. Of course you can say any idiotic thing you want, Senator Durbin--but that doesn't mean you should. You want to burn the flag? Go ahead-just make sure to stand close to the match so you can see the irony in burning the symbol of your freedom.

I'm intrigued by the Left's willingness to discern variations in the different forms and practices of Islam (Remember, it's the Religion of Peace!; Except for the ones who blow people up!;), but inability to recognize different shades of Christianity. I'm a Christian, but I have more in common with certain Jews than with certain Christians. I'd be happy if you (not you, Gene, but "you" over there) embraced Christianity, but I'm not particularly evangelical. By the way, in the last ten years, I've voted for both Leiberman and Ashcroft for Senate, so there.

I believe that regime change in the Middle East (not just Iraq, but Syria and Iran as well) would pay long-term dividends for the civilized world if the resulting governments were able to survive democratically, but I understand why people would think that effective containment of the bad guys might keep the peace. I don't quite grasp how they intend to contain Islamist fanatic terrorists, though. However, once the hostilities have begun, I don't see how comparing our efforts to Hitler and Stalin can possibly create any positive results. It's possible to express dissent for the administration's approach without appearing to hope for failure, but anyone who loves freedom had to get a little misty seeing those blue thumbs after the Iraqi vote. I don't hate the idea of the UN, but I don't much respect its contributions to the world's peace or freedom either, especially the more we learn about their activities during the last couple of decades.

I believe that the actions of a few misguided soldiers cannot outweigh the overwhelmingly positive efforts of the rest of the coalition forces, so maybe you should give it a rest already about Abu Ghraib. Of course, anything short of beheading hostages and blowing up innocents already puts our side in a comparatively good position, but because we are the leading force for good in the world, we have to do better than that. I don't have a problem with any interrogation techniques if getting the information saves innocent lives and if we're squeamish, let's just turn the bad guys over to the Israelis.

I believe that capitalism can be the greatest single uplifting force for human quality of life. But capitalism is only a way of doing things, and if abused, can provide opportunities for enormous wrongdoing. And capitalism only works in toto-if someone in Bangalore or Shanghai or North Dakota can complete a task just as well as someone in NYC, but for less money, they're going to get the work, and Big Labor will have to find some new victims for its bloodsucking while people in Bangalore get to have indoor plumbing. And throwing bricks through the windows of a McDonald's isn't going to do anything but put working people out of a job and money in the pockets of the local glazier.

I agree with Bono that most foreign debt held by the developing Third World should be cancelled. They're never going to pay it back anyway, so let's get it off the books. However, let's not just keep giving more dollars to the kleptocratic dictators who are oppressing their own people with our money.

I used to be very opposed to illegal immigration until I moved to the sun belt and saw who was putting on roofs in 120-degree heat. That doesn't mean we shouldn't document crossings, but the overwhelming majority of those coming across the border are just trying to feed their families. Let's give them a federal ID card with a sponsoring employer and collect some payroll taxes.

I believe in low taxes because I've studied economics from a scientific angle. You may not like that some people are rich, but the fact is that rich people exist. And because they want to be richer, they invest in capitalistic enterprises, which generally leads to some kind of economic opportunity for others downriver, which generally leads to greater total tax receipts because more people are earning and spending more money. That's why reducing capital gains taxes makes sense.

I care about the environment, but there are ways to get what we need without destroying the planet. And until you're all ready to move back into downtown tenements, shut the hell up about oil-based policies.

I believe that the FCC should really have something better to do than worry about what Howard Stern says, since my radio has more than one button. But you and I both know that there's an undeniable leftist bias at NPR and to a lesser degree PBS, just as we know there's a rightist bias at Fox News.

I believe that abortion is wrong because it ends a human life, so once again: your right to pursuit of birth control ends where the fetus's rights begin. On the other hand, there must be a place for sex education focusing on fundamentals including contraception, disease prevention, and abstinence (hey, if I couldn't get any in high school, neither should these punk kids). And removing the stigma for unwed mothers, coupled with a healthy embrace of free-market practices for adoption, would greatly reduce the "need" for abortion-on-demand as a method of birth control.

I believe that public schools should be accountable for the way they spend our money. If standardized tests show that children in a school are not learning, the teachers and administrators should be held responsible, and the parents of those children should be able to send their kids to another school. I believe that ideology of any stripe should be kept out of the classroom except in courses designed to critique ideologies.

I don't believe in same-sex marriage (well, I believe it exists), but I don't particularly care. I also don't see any reason why committed gay couples can't sign a contract or something giving the other "spousal" rights. I'm not remotely homophobic (hey, more chicks for the rest of us!;), I don't think any of my gay acquaintances are hitting on me, I dig when hot--or at least feminine--women lip-kiss, and seeing how difficult some aspects of gay life are (secrecy, needing to maintain fabulousness, etc.), I have to figure that the orientation is hard-wired. But don't try to convince me that 15%, or whatever this year's number is, of the population is homosexual. Just expect to be treated equally (not special, but equal), and you'll get the respect you deserve.

I'm against quotas and set-asides of any kind, because any imposed quota will discriminate against someone. It's not fair to assume that because you're a white male you enjoy automatic advantages over everyone else, or vice versa.

I resent the racist insistence from certain Democrats that a black or Hispanic person has to be one of them (how dare he think for himself!;), but I get a little annoyed when Republicans make a big deal out of a pretty insubstantial guy like J.C. Watts just because he's a black Republican. And those who complain about the religious right need to acknowledge the patronizing Democratic tradition of white candidates preaching in black churches. I hate the hypocrisy of clergy who abuse children, but I also hate the Sarandonian hypocrisy of opposing efforts to bring freedom to Burka-wearers.

I believe that Dan Rather deliberately turned a blind eye to the truth behind those faked documents because he hates the Bush family ever since Senior pimp-slapped him in '88, but there's probably more truth than fiction in CBS's story about the President's military service record. Of course, I love-love!;-that the nuanced genius Kerry's grades were no better than Bush's.

I believe that Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter are smart, obnoxious blowhards who occasionally exhibit a talent for humor, just like Jon Stewart and Garry Trudeau. But all are at their best when they turn down the stridency and laugh at their own side's expense.

Why don't we all do that a little more and try to find some common ground? Or better yet: agree to disagree, but get some better jokes?

Gene Weingarten: This is a highly eclectic chat. We got class AND we got oblique references to poop-eating websites.

All well said, but I am not overly impressed by your Lieberman-and-Ashcroft "so there." Presumably you have lived in Connecticut and Missouri. In Connecticut, then, you presumably voted for Lieberman (a right-leaning Dem) over Lowell Weicker (a left-leaning Repub.) Then you went to Missouri, where you voted for Ashcroft (a, um, right-wing Puritanical nutcake) over a deceased Carnahan, who was the far better candidate WHATEVER your political views.

So you are a confirmed, unreconstituted rightie. That's okay. I like you anyways because you took the time to lay it all out, and did it well, and didn't overly generalize except for being a leeeetle over the top about labor unions.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, and I question how you can assert that homosexuality is hard-wired, and then oppose gay marriage. This is the single area of your manifesto that falls flat, and I suspect you KNOW it falls flat, because it is the one area where you do not attempt logic, but simply harrumph and pontificate. How can gay people expect "equality" if they are not "equal"? So long as society reserves marriage for heterosexuals, it is declaring that homosexuals are not "equal." Not the same rights. Separate. Not equal. A little weird. A little icky. Separate. Not equal. Ew.

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Submitted for your approv, AL: Gene, how does one properly respond to a co-worker who sends this email out to the office:

Not to be petty but this has happened to me before.

Could the party who took a can of Coke from on top of my lunch in the refrigerator please replace it with another can of Coke, or leave 60 cents on my desk. I don't care who you are, nor do I really want to know, I would just like my Coke. I realize that often times leftover food and drink are placed in the refrigerator, however my Coke was clearly laying down on top of my lunch along with an orange. From now on I will start labeling my food.

Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. That is bad, especially because of the "laying." But my pet peeve are the quotation marks in some of these hissyfit petty memos, as in: "Would the person who 'borrowed' my copy of Mein Kampf please..."

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Switching Tea, MS? : Ew: I have never kissed another woman on the lips (except for my mom, at a young age) and don't really feel the need to. However, I did attend a women's college, and saw a great deal of girl-on-girl action during four years there. Postscript: I saw many of my girl-on-girl-action friends at a recent wedding. All of them are now married or engaged to men.

Gene Weingarten: This is interesting! Maybe girls CAN change teams.

I went to Oberlin College, long known as a freakishly liberal, hippie enclave, and there is a widely used term there that was used for guys and girls: "four year queer." Basically the four years you are at college don't count towards your official sexual orientation.

Come to think of it, how much of your four years of college count for anything?

washingtonpost.com: See, this is exactly why I wasn't really an alcoholic or legally insane from LSD-induced altered states.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly! Exactly! And why it is possible to un-lose one's virginity.

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Herndon, Va: Time's up! Found this while having a HIGHLY productive day at work, it's from one of your first chats. Assuming you decide to pass the torch, who would you appoint as your successor and why?

Los Angeles, Calif.: Mr. Weingarten, who has designated you the national arbiter of taste, and chief consultant regarding the cultural milieu?

Gene Weingarten: I was appointed by God on April 7, 1999, for a term not to exceed six years.

Gene Weingarten: You seem not to understand. I do not appoint a successor, God appoints a successor. And He has remained silent. Clearly, He approves of the job I am doing.

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Arlington, Va.: Didn't Clinton say that he and Monica were never alone because they were there with each other, and therefore not alone? Rove's "defense" is very Clintonian which is part of what makes this whole thing so deliciously hypocritical.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, the "we were together, so how could I have been alone with her" was something I wrote. A parody of his evasiveness.

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WOW: Bush apologized for something!

Bush created one awkward moment during the press conference, when he called on "Reuters man, Toby," who happened to be Toby Zakaria, a female. Bush, who has been criticized by some female reporters for usually addressing questions to male reporters, later mouthed "I'm sorry" to Zakaria for the mistake.

Gene Weingarten: For some reason, this makes me think of the CPOW this week.

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The Post and the First Amendment: You often mention that you can pretty much say what you want here because the "Post believes in the first amendment." Could you explain exactly what you mean by that? Since the First is more about protecting The Post from the government, and not your speech from The Post (who as a private employer could tell you what you could or could not say in its pages without violating the constitution) is it just that The Post believes in the idea, and passes that on? It's certainly good business and definitely good journalism, but the First doesn't really apply here.

Just curious.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, the Post recognizes it has the right to edit me (boy, do they recognize that) but they also realize that the PURPOSE of the First Amendment is to encourage robust and fearless debate. Unless I am saying truly abhorrent or insupportable things, The Post is not going to get in my face.

I don't know if I could make a lot more working in a different sort of industry, but I suspect I could. I wouldn't want to. The Post is a terrific employer.

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Alexandria, Va.: Boy, Katherine Harris is an idiot .

Gene Weingarten: This is fabulous!

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Arlington, Va.: Although I have no real clocks of my own (I'm only in my 20s), I have occasionally encountered real clocks, and I have a few questions. When there are three winding things, one is for the clock, the other is for the chimes, what is the third for? You're only supposed to move the minute hand clockwise to set it, right? How fast should the pendulum be swinging -- one second per swing from side to side, or per swing side to side and back? I know someone with a clock that probably doesn't need to be fixed, just set properly. What is the likely problem if the pendulum just stops swinging after running for a while? I know this is a lot of questions, but any answers would be helpful. Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not sure I understand why being in your twenties prohibits you from owning real clocks. I am also aware that no one but you is interested in my answer. So the rest of you can and should proceed directly on to the next question, as though nothing whatsoever has happened here.

When there are three winding things, it almost always means that the clock not only has an hourly gong, but some sort of melodic thingie, such as a Westminster chime. That takes a lot of juice, and that is what you are winding with the third winding hole.

Pendulums go at all sorts of different speeds. Some race in a fast, short arc, some in a slower, longer arc. The longer the drop to the pendulum, the longer the arc and longer the swing. Always move the minute hand clockwise, and always pause to let it chime at the hour, then continue moving it. In most antique clocks, the hour hand can be gently moved in either direction, because it is just friction fit on its axle.

A clock that runs for a while and stops probably just needs to be cleaned. "Just," however, doesn't imply it is an inexpensive matter. Most reputable clock people will charge you about $200 for cleaning a simple mechanical clock. If done right, the cleaning will last 5 years or more.

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Eugene, Ore.: I think according to your chat invitation ("Submit your questions, comments and rants") that this would fall under the category of a rant:

On the anniversary of the Scope trial, I am again frustrated by the ongoing debate over creationism vs. evolution, so my response is that creationism SHOULD be required in our classrooms. The creationism taught, however, cannot be the creationism as narrowly defined by the Judeo-Christian perspective, but rather the broad collection of creation stories in all their diversity. By comparing/contrasting the J-C Adam and Eve myth with, for example, the Norse Titan gods myth or the Shinto Inazagi myth we can understand humanity and our constant struggle to make meaning out of limited knowledge. This, I believe, is the appropriate place of creationism in our schools.

Gene Weingarten: I really, really like this. This is very smart.

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Notfun, NY: The effect of your quiz will be to remind everyone that Larson is a genius.

Gene Weingarten: Absolutely.

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Hair care: I just saw an ad for some Aussie hair care product with a Kangaroo logo.

The tag line was "Put some roo in your do."

As a guy, I had some really inappropriate thoughts.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, man.

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Looking for Gene: A-hoy hoy, Gene,

I'm in Kansas City this week, and didn't see your column in the local paper this past weekend. Fortunately I had the old reliable washingtonpost.com to turn to. Did the KC Star drop you for some reason? Or was this just a one-time thing?

Gene Weingarten: They did drop me! The first significant drop. I don't know why. Possibly they discovered I am without talent.

Gene Weingarten: However, a newspaper in Toronto is now running the column. Lose KC, gain an International Audience ... I'll take it.

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I second it!;: As a single women, I was just thinking about how I want to meet some of your posters (and if you and chatwomen could be our "pimps" so to speak)...and then someone else posted it. Do other chatters agree?

Gene Weingarten: Okay, noted.

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Washington, D.C.: You took the SAT after you wired yourself for sound, put a microcassette in your pocket and a wire up your shirt and down a sleeve? And then whispered into your cuff?? Didn't you disturb the other test takers by talking during their SAT? Didn't the procter have a problem with appeared to be an elaborate effort to cheat?

Gene Weingarten: I was very carefully wired, and no one heard me whisper. It disturbed no one. No one knew.

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Baltimor, ON: I have good news and bad news for you.

I decided, after much consideration, that I would buy your book "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death." the next opportunity I had.

The next day, I found the book for sale.

Surplused by the Catonsville Branch of the Baltimore County Public Library, on sale for a mere 25 cents.

I'm trying to decide if there's any grand, cosmic meaning to this.

And, as a professional beer writer, I passed the book's "Are You an Alcoholic?" test with flying colors.

Gene Weingarten: Everyone passes that test.

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Unusual chat threads today!;: Gene, why are people asking you for advice?

Gene Weingarten: I don't know!

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Would people like some bloglike capability in this chat? A way to speak to each other, message-board style? : YES! I'm sure my future mate is on here reading and chuckling and follows you religiously!! Help a sista out!

washingtonpost.com: If Gene's prepared to engage in blog-like activity, then he can have comments. One does not make sense without the other.

Gene Weingarten: I shan't permit it to be called a blog, though.

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And the Lesbians Rea, CT: Gene, as a public service, please just offer this little bit of reassurance for the homophobe wife who has freaked out her husband with her illogical fears (Um, is SHE attracted to every GUY she sees?):

I've checked with our secret organization, the International Lesbians United for Sexual Tolerance (aka I-LUST) -- actually, I checked with the I-LUST Subcommittee for Recruitment and Retention -- and am hereby authorized to report to this woman, on behalf of the lesbians of the world: WE'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU!

Thank you for allowing the I-LUST community this important forum to put this poor woman's fears to rest, once and for all.

Gene Weingarten: I am very grateful. I just worry about the Diabolical Lesbian Agenda About Which We Are Tragically Unaware. Can you give us a heads-up?

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Gene Weingarten: I have suddenly been joined by my brother, Don Weingarten, who arrived minutes ago from San Francisco, where he lives. Nuclear family. Pet snake. Runs his own computer service. Don is six years my elder, which makes him a pretty darn old man.

Like all older brothers, he has had a profound influence on my life in many ways, including introducing me to recreational drugs at an astonishingly early age. He seems to have some misgivings about this part of our past, which is curious, since I do not.

I AM NOT ADVOCATING RECREATIONAL DRUG USE, MISTER GRAHAM, SIR. I am just saying.

The point here is that Don is by my side right now, and - continuing a longstanding chat tradition of making members of my family available to withering abuse - he will be happy to take any questions you may have. Or, alternatively, he will just sit here and annoy me. Yes, he is funny.

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Mountain View, Calif.: Hi Gene,

Was it wrong of me to find great comic value in Scott McClellan's briefing yesterday? He was actually quite a sympathetic character by the end of it.

The whole thing reminded me of a classic Doonesbury from the Watergate years, when a reporter has the following interaction with Ron Ziegler:

Reporter: Ron, sometimes I imagine you must get up in the morning, look in the mirror before you've shaven, and think to yourself, 'Ron, you're about to begin another day of evasion and deceit.' Here's my question, Ron: What do you do after you've come to such a realization?

Ziegler: I shave.

Gene Weingarten: I agree. Ziegler was much easier to dislike than McClellan because Ziegler clearly RELISHED his role. McClellan is just in Hell.

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I Heart Maxwell Smart: Another great recurring line from "Get Smart" -- Max would encounter a villain who possessed vital information. Before the villain could spill the beans, he'd be shot and crumple to the floor. He's make an attempt to speak and Max would drop to his side to hear his dying words. Ninety Nine would then ask what he said, and Max would reply "He told me to get my knee off his chest."

washingtonpost.com: I heart Maxwell Smart, too. One of my earliest childhood memories is of the Smart movie, "The Nude Bomb."

Gene Weingarten: This reminds me of that great line from the vastly underappreciated Woody Allen movie, "Crimes and Misdemeanors":

"His note said, "I'm going out the window."

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Re: Sarcasm: I think you are wrong on your statement that everyone gets sarcasm. I have found that often people who speak English as a second language generally don't. Sarcasm (and puns) generally involves a misuse of standardly used English words and phrases or the use of inflection to change the meaning of a generally understood word or phrase. So those who take the English language and words very literally tend to have trouble with these misuses.

For example, my grandmother, who speaks Polish as her first language, never gets sarcasm (or puns) because she takes English very literally.

Oh, and when you cross North Carolina near Hayden's with Harry S, please use the crosswalk. I almost took you out the other day.

Gene Weingarten: Harry has an old-dog habit of suddenly, startlingly, plopping on his butt in the middle of the crosswalk, to scratch himself or just because his legs gave out. I fully expect us to expire together one of these days.

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Pottstown, Pa.: In your update on 7/7 to last week's chat, you said to "EWville" that you "would have thought last season might have purged that hostility" that Red Sox fans have toward Yankees fans. Unfortunately, you would be wrong. (My father is a devout Yankee-hater and I married a Sox fan, just so you know where I am coming from.) I am now capable of having a conversation of more than three sentences with a Yankee fan without having to lie down and/or soak my head immediately afterwards, but Bucky Dent and Aaron Boone still (and maybe always will) have the same middle name, if you catch my drift. It will probably take years (and most likely lots of therapy) for me to un-learn that kind of vitriol. I'm not proud of it, but there you go.

Gene Weingarten: Aaron Boone now plays for Cleveland. It was very hard not to root for him on Saturday.

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Iowa: Gene -- People ask you for advice because you are smart, funny, and passionate. Maybe not even in that order.

Gene Weingarten: BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

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North Potomac, Md.: Oh. My. Gosh. I can't believe I even have to ask this, but -- those girls on that angels Web site -- are you sure those weren't just creepy dolls? Because not one of them looked "real." They all looked like those creepy, soulless, ceramic dolls that your grandmother buys you when you are little and you "accidently" break them because otherwise you will never, ever, sleep without nightmares. I am still sort of shuddering.

Gene Weingarten: Boy, I think they're real. Anyone know about this site?

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Doubtfire, Mich.: I can guarantee you that people didn't pass over my zealous paean to bicycle racing, because I embarrassed myself horribly with my prediction at the end of it, as it turns out. And people never seem to ignore me when I'm that wrong. This comic-strip gig better work out, because I don't look to have much of a career handicapping bike races.

I shall now go back to my board and draw the Edmund Fitzgerald.

-- Jef

Gene Weingarten: Splendid.

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Indianapolis, Ind.: Wow! Gene Weingarten and Dana Milbank having chats at the same time! How do you expect people to decide which chat to join? You type so damn fast that one can't keep up with both at the same time.

Gene Weingarten: I am fast. The key is not to think.

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Heartland, USA: Woah there, Gene. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take some umbrage with your assertion that women are not turned on by guy-on-guy action. This is so not true. At all. Yes, I am a woman, and yes, I loves me some hot gay male sex. But it's not just me, no sir. Many of my female friends, straight, gay or other, find the idea of two men getting it on to be incredibly erotic. And no, we are not some odd select group of women, there are millions of us. Part of the reason we're hidden is that most sex is viewed from a masculine, usually primarily visual perspective, while most women-centered erotica is written or non-visual. Plus, you guys just seem to be oblivious to our sexuality in general. But if you want an example of how many women are intrigued by male/male sex, just look at the phenomenon of slash.

For you non-Internet savvy readers (or fogies, as it were) slash is a type of fan fiction featuring romantic and/or sexual pairings between two or more male characters from a book/movie/television series, etc. Slash, and it's much smaller sister genre femslash, is incredibly prolific, encompassing literally millions of fandoms, writers and readers around the world, almost all of whom are women. Yup, that's right, we don't just read this stuff, we create it. And then we post it on the Internet. Most slash, like most erotica directed at women, is written, though there is also a lot of artwork and other media as well. Slash is a very particular social phenomenon and there are thousands of fandoms, sub-genres and styles of slash, each with there own devotees and artistic dictums, but that's another topic for another time.

I think that women are piqued by male/male erotica for several general reasons, including (in no particular order) (1) the erotic nature of forbidden love and/or sex (2) the idea that men are more purely sexual, allowing stories to evolve without much emotional content needed (these stories are often referred to as PWP, or Porn without Plot) which then allows them to be more unabashedly sexual in nature (3) putting male characters into situations that most men would find very uncomfortable lets women feel empowered (4) since most sexual portrayals of women are demeaning, taking themselves totally out of the situation makes women feel released (5) much male/male slash involves the characters tapping into a previously hidden facet of their sexuality, a situation most women would like to experience (6) a lot of slash explores power structures because there aren't as many pre-designated roles in same-sex relationships, and this is a subject of endless fascination and titillation (7) to put it bluntly, double your pleasure, double your fun. I'm sure I'll think of a couple more reasons women like reading about men who like men later, but right now I have to go watch some gay male porn.

P.S. I heart you. But not as much as I heart slash.

washingtonpost.com: Is it not true that some of these sub-genres of slash involve the crew of the starship Enterprise? Oh, and since you heart Gene and slash so much, why not a little Gene-slash?

Gene Weingarten: No Gene-slash. This will not happen. Not that there is anything wrong with it.

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: Don -- Do you look like Gene? Because I heart Gene and think he is a hottie. Of course, we have never met face to face, so that may explain it.

Don Weingarten: yes, I am told I look disgustingly like gene. However, I weigh less.

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Alexandria, Va.: Don, do you sound like a normal person or like Gene?

Don Weingarten: i cannot sing. I have a wavery voice. Yes. i sound like gene.

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Gravely, Ill.: I saw an ad on TV by some drug company for a new drug for restless legs syndrome. They said one of every 10 people has some form of it. I guess since they have a drug for it, it's an epidemic now.

washingtonpost.com: I'd like to mention that I was way ahead of this so-called "epidemic."

Gene Weingarten: I am far more concerned with sufferers of those incapacitating calf spasms. Sorry, Liz.

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Hands, Down: The term comes from horse racing. If the jockey is trying to make the horse go faster, one of the things he'll do is hold the reins up high on the horse's neck. If he's way ahead of the pack, he can relax and cross the finish line with his hands down.

Gene Weingarten: I'll accept that.

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Infinity and Beyo, ND: I must be one of the few men who doesn't consider a woman lip-kissing (or...) another woman a turn-on. It comes across to me as either lesbian or false. Lesbians are unobtainable and false is, well, faking it. What's the attraction?

Gene Weingarten: I feel this, too, but you said it better.

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Alexandria, Va.: As a devoted panty-flinger, I was delighted to pull up USA Today's life section online today and find the headline "Weingarten Tries Fiction." Alas, my hopes were dashed when I opened the article to find it dealt with Caspar WeinBERGER. Grr. Someone on their Web site team must have Gene on the brain.

Gene Weingarten: This was great, wasn't it? Well, I AM trying fiction.

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What's going to kill, ME?: All-powerful hypochondriac:

I have sudden, unexplained bruises, on all of my limbs but primarily on my left forearm. The bruises are that old, yellow-brown color, despite being new, and are about the size of a finger or thumbprint (but, as far as I remember, I haven't been assaulted lately). They don't hurt, and have been there for almost a week. It seems like every day I notice a new one. So, my question is -- am I going to die a slow, painful death here?

Gene Weingarten: If you don't know the cause of this -- and I presume you don't -- you need to see a doctor. It could be nothing but the list of things it could be is long, and some of them sound scary.

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Augusta, Ga.: Fie on Tom the Butcher -- speed golf was invented centuries ago, in Edinburgh. The idea was to limit the number of clubs (one or two at most) and get a quick round in. No time spent dallying over the ball; just step up, smack it, and haul after it. Still wildly popular.

Gene Weingarten: Seriously? This is a sport?

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Monologues, Va.: Re: the comment in the update about the girl-on-girl friends in college who are now married/engaged to men:

There's a long-standing description of such women, with the acronym "LUG" -- Lesbian Until Graduation. Once they graduate, though, they go straight. College is a good time for such experimentation, and it has the added benefit of avoiding guys at their most advanced stage of horndoggedness.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, several women have pointed this out. It supports my central thesis that women CAN change teams at will. This is an extreme rarity among men. It may happen at a younger age with prepschool boys, I am told. But you are not going to get college men "experimenting," and then settling happily into monogamous hetero relationships.

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The Ugly Dog: I just have to mention that I read some comment that the owner of the ugly dog made about her dog. She allowed as how he was totally ugly. He's a Chinese Crested, without the cute tufts of hair some have. He has blackheads all over. He has a line of moles around his face. He is also very sweet and, when she could only have one dog to be with during recovery from radiation treatments, she chose him over her other dogs, and he didn't let her down.

I hope this link comes through. You're a dog lover; you'll appreciate it.

Gene Weingarten: Okay....

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Laurel, Md.: One more thing that I think is important about "Get Smart": it's a parody of a parody (James Bond), which is THE hardest thing to do in comedy.

"Get Smart" went off the air in 1970; and it was more than 25 years before anyone did another good spy parody (Austin Powers in 1997).

Gene Weingarten: You call James Bond a parody?

Well, I guess so. A very sophisticated parody.

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Washington, D.C. : Gene,

I am sure you have heard this from numerous people, but I wanted to respond to your Sunday column: I feel so terrible for you that your property has increased in value so much you can't move unless you go out of this area. I can't imagine anything worse. Oh wait, I can: not being able to afford a place at all. My husband and I are both college-educated professionals and, even though we have no debt to our names, we cannot find a way to comfortably (read: not become house poor) enter this housing market. Yes, we could move to say W.Va. and get a place, but then we would be in... well, West Virginia. So in the mean time, we are renting a 1 BR apartment, trying to save money for a down payment, and hoping to stumble on a foreclosure in a neighborhood that doesn't require Kevlar. For as restricted as you feel, imagine trying to enter this market with nothing.

Gene Weingarten: I know, I know. What I would do is buy in a CHANGING semi-Kevlar neighborhood. But that's just me. I grew up in the Bronx.

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Re: In field fly rule: Hi Gene,

Regarding the in-field fly rule, I used to convinced it was necessary. I'm not so sure anymore.

Practically all of the ion field flys I have seen that are subject to the rule are hit high enough so that the batter, if he runs instead of jogs, can make it to first before it it caught. So if the runner at first just stays there, then they don't have to worry about a double play -- either the fielder catches it and the runner stays at first, or he drops it and gets the force to second, but the batter is safe.

Same outcome -- one out -- but I don't think the rule is necessary anymore.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, see, you do not know the infield fly rule at all.

The IFR attaches when there are at least two runners on base, and both are forced. (first and second, or bases loaded.) So they both must be frozen in place, near their respective bases. The IFR occurs to prevent a cheap double play.

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Question for Don: What was the funniest thing Gene did to you while growing up?

Don Weingarten: This is a secret. While we were growing up, I was the wiseguy, not Gene. He learned most of it from me. But I remember he used to do things and then very solemnly, with a perfectly straight face, swear to my mother I had done them. She believed him. I understood why. I had a very guilty face and Gene, darn him, looked like an angel.

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Arlington, Va.: How did you like Friday's su-do-ku numbers game? I thought it well-described as hard, but, by ignoring my kids for extended periods this weekend, I managed to finish it on my third try...

Gene Weingarten: I like su-do-ku. It is diabolical in that if you make a wrong assumption or a simple mistake early on, you are done for, and don't even know it.

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Karlro, VE: I had to read the article several times to make sure I had it right. Karl Rove did not "identify" Joseph Wilson's wife "by name" as a CIA agent to a reporter; rather he told the reporter that "Wilson's wife" worked for the CIA.

Is there anyone else who thinks "I didn't inhale" sounds honest by comparison?

Gene Weingarten: Exactly! It would be like Woodward not identifying Felt by saying he was the number two guy at the FBI.

I said "number two."

This is actually really lovely. Rove was the source. The hypocrisy here is thick enough to cut with a dull adz.

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Joshuatown, Conn.: What are your impressions of Al Franken and of Don Imus? Do you find either or both of these men funny?

Gene Weingarten: Franken's "Lies" is the funniest book I have read in the last year or so.

I was unaware Imus even tried to be funny.

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stubby!: Gene:

You should know that you have an entry since May on Wikipedia.

It claims that the entry is a "stub," making you "stubby!" hahaha.

Gene Weingarten: Wikipedia amazes me, because so much of it is correct. This is essentially accurate, except for that nonsense about my being the Czar.

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Germantown: At first glance, I thought the ugly dog picture was Leiby.

Gene Weingarten: Nah, Leiby's hair is worse.

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Lansing, Mich.: Don, what's the most obnoxious little-brothery thing Gene ever did to you?

Gene, what's the most obnoxious big-brothery thing Don ever did to you?

Don Weingarten: That would be his hanging around when I was trying to make out with my first wife-to-be. He wouldn't say or do anything, just BE there. Amazing. She married me anyway. However, you will note she was my FIRST wife. Not my current one.

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Gainesville, Va.: Here's a response from a member of your right-of-center minority, to Burke VA's interpretation of the poll results, claiming that they reflect conservatism's inherent inconsistencies between more and less government regulation. The same holds true for "liberalism," which wants less regulation of certain behavior (such as who you sleep with) and more government control of other behavior (such as who you do business with, and how). If you want logical consistency, stick with libertarianism or communism; the rest of us have political beliefs that can't be simply extrapolated from basic paradigms (as appealing as that might be in the abstract). Even within the realm of what we call conservative or liberal today, many of us may have an "a la carte" political philosophy, picking some items from the left side (gun control, estate taxes) and others from the right (free trade, tort reform), while generally leaning one direction or another.

The key reasons for the poll results have been expressed by other chatters: the (understandable) siege mentality of those on the left in the current landscape, and the fact that hard-line conservatives are likely to go elsewhere for their online kicks, while out-there lefties are more likely to find affirmation of their beliefs on these pages and stick around.

Gene Weingarten: I don't dispute this. It seems a good explanation, top to bottom.

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Bruised Sh, IN: Last Sunday evening we had company over. During dinner, our guest started telling stories of her new granddaughter. The baby's name is--you guessed it -- Madison. Of course I thought of your article. My wife must have, too, because she began furiously kicking me under the table to keep me from laughing.

How long should "normal" bruising last? If I'm still limping tomorrow, should I call a doctor?

Gene Weingarten: See, now YOU don't have to worry. Unlike that last guy. You know the cause. The Madisonness must end.

I said "end."

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

Listen, this ain't rocket science. More of you should have seen that the dogs playing poker is the best toon out there. It works beautifully on an absurdist level, faintly summoning the famous punchline: "What, I should have said DiMaggio?"

The second thing you should have realized is that after that cartoon, Loose Parts is much better. Consistently good, all four of them. Whereas two of the other Berevitys are kinda weak. The moon-sunroof, as you correctly saw, is a lame joke. And the magician, as you did not see, is a blown punchline. It needed no caption; the caption hurt it.

Me, I'd opt for picking up both of these comics, though. They are several cuts above ordinary fare.

Loose Parts is more of a ripoff, I think, if only because the drawing is extremely Larsonish. And I don't much care. It is plenty creative.

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St. Mary's City, Md.: Don, this question ties in with today's poll question. Gary Larson attributes his bizarre humor to the treatment he received from his brother when the two were growing up. Do you think sibling rivalry was a factor in Gene's comedic development?

Don Weingarten: Well, I was on my college paper, the Observation Post (CCNY), and he may have gotten into journalism via that, but truthfully, I doubt he got the comedy from me. He's way funnier than I am. I'm just weird -- not necessarily funny.

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MLB vs N. FL: Which rule would you find more...unnatural within the sport itself?

Infield Fly Rule or Ineligle receiver downfield?

Gene Weingarten: Ineligible receiver is not even the most unusual FOOTBALL rule. That would probably be the rule that prohibits the flying wedge, which, by all rights should be a legit tactic, but which, unfortunately, causes death.

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Cat poop in closet: Gene, one of my three cats pooped in my closet last night. I think it was the elder of three female cats. Why did she do it?

Gene Weingarten: Because she could.

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Don, W: So do you also have a face for radio and a voice for print or did you get all the good looks and sexy voice and that's why none was left for your brother?

Don Weingarten: I am told I am not bad looking, for a fifty-nine year old guy with a slight pot belly. My voice is absolutely hopeless. And the person who usually tells me I'm not bad looking is my wife, and she kinda has to.

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Poll, IT: There are indeed obvious answers to the poll, you just forgot to include them. Here's a hint, the missing answers all involve the words "both", "suck", and "a lot."

Gene Weingarten: A few people have opined this. You are just wrong. This is simply an ordinary week for both strips -- chosen at random -- and the quality of both is pretty high.

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Logic, AL: Has anybody besides the czar slept with the czar's wife?

Gene Weingarten: EVER?

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Downtown, Washington, D.C.: Yesterday I met with one of my gummint co-workers to discuss a pressing issue of great national importance. This morning, she called me back and asked if I was married. I told her (quite truthfully) that I am. She said she had a co-worker who's "looking around" and was simply wondering if I was unattached.

There's a cruel prank or vicious practical joke lurking in here somewhere. Any suggestions?

Gene Weingarten: Well, clearly, she was inquiring for herself. So now you know. The ball's in your court.

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Right here in D.C.: Yay! I just got a new job where I can read your chat in real time instead of in the transcript. I did get interrupted with the question, "Would someone wipe my butt, please?" It seemed so appropriate that I had to share.

In case you are wondering, I was the lucky someone and the questioner was four years old.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Names: I plan to name my first son Marburg. I'm hoping it'll catch on and spread.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you, too.

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Germantown, Md.: David Hall's winner:

Did it have to do with a bathtub? And no, I don't want to say the name of the Web site in case people search for it.

Gene Weingarten: If I revealed the site I would also have to clean out my desk. I did allude to it, obliquely, earlier.

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Who cares about funny?: Is your brother better looking than you?

Does he have a moustache, too?

Can we get a pic?

Don Weingarten: Yes, I have a moustache. Also rather long hair. I grew up in the sixties in New York. What else. I am better looking than Gene depending on whom you ask.

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Arlington, Va.: Question for Don: was Gene as much an obnoxious jerk as a child, or has he grown into the role?

Examples, please.

Don Weingarten: No, he has refined the obnoxious jerk role to a fine art. When he was a kid he was an amateur obnoxious jerk.

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Hypochondr,IA: Gene, I'm hoping you can help diagnose my boyfriend. He's being a typical male and won't go see a doctor. He's had a flashbulb fever now for four days (on-again-off-again) ranging between 97-102 degrees. And his skin is very sensitive to touch. Any touch, not just pressure. It's not red, there's no bruises, he just feels pain whenever he is touched in any way (he says sometimes it feels like it is a burning, but not always). Is he dying? Thank you!

Gene Weingarten: The fever suggests a problem. Something infectious that is affecting his peripheral nervous system. He should not mess with this.

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Than, KS:: You've answered two out of my three posts. A new record, for me. I appreciate it.

By the way, my unexplained bruises (I submitted that question last week) after multiplying to cover most of my forearm have, over the past two days, mostly faded to nothingness. Does this imply that it's more "nothing" than "scary" or should I still see the doctor? Quite frankly, my doctor sucks, and he's going to look at my mostly-fine arm and say "Well, they're gone, so it's fine" no matter what the truth is.

I hate my health insurance.

Poop.

Gene Weingarten: They're gone, so everything is probably fine.

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Hey Don: How did you do on today's poll?

Gene Weingarten: He literally arrived midway through the chat. Barely had time to sit down, let alone read a poll. Those polls -- EIGHT SITES -- someone's head should roll for that.

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Best movie line: From Arthur - He and Susan are having dinner, just before he is to ask her to marry him and she says "Arthur, a real woman can make you stop drinking" and Arthur replys "She'd have to be a real big woman."

Gene Weingarten: Excellent.

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Ain't So!: Sigh. I went to college, too, and I assure you I never rolled around with other women. No. And I aint that old, nor am I a prude. I hate it when people send in these posts that make it seem as though "everybody is doing it." No, some of us knew from birth that we liked men, kissed and kiss men only and have never thought about or experiemented with women. Honestly, I don't even understand why if I want a man, know I want a man and like hetero sex I would ever experiment with a woman. What's the point?

Gene Weingarten: Well, I didn't know I liked uni sushi until I tried it.

This is a better analogy than you think.

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washingtonpost.com: Don -- Gene contends that "Sloop John B" is a superior song to "Hang on Sloopy." What's your take? Oh, and milk chocolate or dark chocolate?

Don Weingarten: I could not, possibly, under any circumstances, agree with him more. Sorry bout that.

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Baby na, ME: I am a big fan of Alexander Hamilton. For my two cents, he's one of the most underrated American historical figures (I would have voted him the #1 greatest American over Reagan) -- the triumph of his vision of a urbanized nation with a strong national government over Jefferson's vision of loosely affiliated agrarian communities is why America has enjoyed the last century as much as it has.

My question to you, then: may I name my son or daughter "Hamilton," or is that too Madisonesque?

Gene Weingarten: I presume you read the Hamilton book that came out about a year ago. It made your case.

I'd avoid Hamilton. People will call him or her Hammie, like that kid in Baby Blues.

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Calling Dr. Gene: Does it ever scare you that people are asking... you know, you, medical questions instead of their doc?

Gene Weingarten: A little, frankly. I try never to say anything truly irresponsible.

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Laurel, Md.: About this week's column: a "seven room mansion" downtown souds like an empty-nester living arrangement.

Did you move there to make sure Molly and Dan don't come back?

Gene Weingarten: I applied the definition of "room" rather stringently. We have three bedrooms. I didn't count the hovel I work in or a pretty big basement storage room. But it is a small house.

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Anonymous: "aka Tuesday's with Moron"

How long has this been up? Am I that unobservant?

Gene Weingarten: About two months. Yes.

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For "Marburg" read "Marbury": Otherwise the joke isn't funny.

Gene Weingarten: Marburg was correct. It was a joke about a virus.

Okay, thank you all on behalf of meself and me brother. Next week, same time.

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Gene Weingarten: OMIGOD MY BROTHER IS WEARING A DIGITAL WATCH.

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7.13.05 UPDATE WILL BE LATE: Because I, Chatwoman, have seriously misguided priorities, today's update will not be posted until mid-afternoon. This is yet another instance of me letting Gene, and you good people, down. It is possible that Gene may not forgive me for this. If so, thanks for the memories and I'm sure the chat will only continue to grow in depth, humor and links once Gene chooses a new producer.

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UPDATED 7.13.05, 2:52 p.m. ET

Gene Weingarten: Several mathematically knowledgeable readers weighed in with their calculations of the statistical probability that I would have attended five Nats home games, and seen only losses. They mostly agreed that the odds were very low. Bret Lockard devoted the most time and thought to it, so here is his explanation:

Brett Lockard -- There are two slightly different ways to calculate this. The first is to say that you had randomly picked five games from a set of 43, in which 30 were wins and 13 were losses. In other words, what are the chances that,given the Nationals record at home, a fan that has attended five home games witnessed five losses. (Or, you put 43 poker chips in a hat, 30 of which have 'W' on them and 13 of which have 'L,' and you draw out five.) Well, there were 13 losses in 43 total games, so the chance of having attended one of these games and it being a loss is 13/43. The likelihood of choosing two games and them both being losses are 13/43 * 12/42 ~= 8.6%. After you've attended the first game and witnessed a loss, you can't attend the same game again, so now there are only 12 more losses to chose from out of a total of 42 remaining choices. You multiply these number to calculate the likelihood that both events happen. (It's like calculating the likelihood of drawing one of the 'L' chips out of the hat, keeping it, and drawing another 'L' chip.) So, following that method to calculate the odds of choosing five losses in such a manner, we have: 13/43 * 12/42 * 11/41 * 10/40 * 9/39 = 154440/115511760 ~= .001337, or a little more than 1 in 1,000 chance.

The other way of calculating the odds is the choice I would prefer. It is unknown exactly how likely the Nationals are to win each game they play, and the odds that they win are also dependant on who they're playing. Given these complexities, looking at the Nationals home winning percentage is our best guess for how likely they are to win a randomly chosen home game. So,the 30-13 record at home translates to about a 69.77% winning percentage, which means that they lose 30.23% of the time. So, the likelihood of a loss in a randomly chosen game, using our best guess, is 30.23%. The likelihood of losses in two randomly chosen games is the product of the likelihood of it happening in each game. In this case, 30.23% * 30.23% ~= 9.1%. Following this method for the odds of a loss in each of five randomly chosen games, we have: 30.23% * 30.23% * 30.23% * 30.23% * 30.23% ~= 0.25%, or about a 2 1/2 in 1,000 chance.

So, the bad news is, what you've done/seen is pretty unlikely, and some people may use this information to call you the team's jinx. The good news is that while we don't know how many fans have attended exactly five games this season, there have been around 33,000 fans per game so far. For every 1,000 fans that have attended five games, there should be a couple like you. So I'm going to say that you 0-5 record at RFK is not statistically significant.

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Gene Weingarten: And regarding the issue of teaching ALL forms of Creationism in the schools, Paul Kondis notes:

They need to include the version mentioned in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (actually The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, if you want to get technical): "the Jatravartid people of Viltvodle VI believe that the entire Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure" who "live in perpetual fear of the time they call the Coming of the Great White Handkerchief".

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Re: Stolen Cola: This is the best thing I ever saw taped to the refrigerator door at the office:

"Oh GREAT! Thanks a LOT to the person who stole my lunch! I had to go hungry today because someone else ATE MY SANDWICH! I'm glad that we're all adults here!" Under that note was written, "Next time could you put more Grey Poupon on it please".

Gene Weingarten: Excellent. When my wife was in a dorm room in college, sharing a one-to-a-floor refrigerator. All the young women on the floor were incensed because someone was stealing food, regularly; no one knew who, and no one had ever been caught. It was probably a late night smoking muncher. (As I am writing this, I am remembering that I reported this before in the chat. But it bears repeating.)

So my wife baked up some really tasty looking brownies, one of the chief ingredients of which was Ex-Lax. She put it in the refrigerator with a note saying: "Please do not eat. These are for my sick grandma." The following day everyone on the floor -- they also shared a potty -- knew who the thief was.

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Burke, Va.: I think this means that Tom "the Butcher" is re-encarnated: Do you know about this?

As Evidências da Reencarnação Depois de acompanhar o dr. Ian Stevenson, renomado pesquisador do fenômeno da reencarnação, em suas pesquisas pela Índia, pelo Líbano e Estados Unidos, o jornalista Tom Shroder, do The Washington Post, passou a ver o tema com outros olhos. Suas investigações nessa área resultaram no livro Almas Antigas, publicado recentemente no Brasil pela editora Sextante.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed yes.

Here is the translation, as provided by the unerring program of Babelfish:

After following dr. Ian Stevenson, famous researcher of the phenomenon of the reincarnation, in its research for India, for the Lebanon and United States, the journalist Tone Shroder, of the The Washington Post, started to see the subject with other eyes. Its inquiries in this area had resulted in the book Old Souls, recently published in Brazil for the publishing company Sextant.

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onemoreti, me: Oh arbiter of the comics: I maintain that Clyde from "Candorville" is stolen name, goatee & attitude from Trudeau's "Doonebury." What say you?

Gene Weingarten: This is a very astute observation. I am going to ask Trudeau. I'll bet not many people remember Clyde.

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The SATS: I'm a SAT tutor (31, cute, and part of the I heart Gene club). I do it on my own and it's my only job. I charge $80/hour and make ~$75,000/year. Yup, I help rich, white kids get into college.

And just so you realize I have some perspective on it, I also give parent lectures at local high schools to talk about how being an interesting person is much more important than a score on a test that only tests how well you do on that test. I find your 610 really interesting. I imagine you didn't leave a single problem blank so you probably got about 10 math questions wrong out of 54 -- almost 20% incorrect. You didn't miss a single problem in either the reading or writing (the two 5s on the essay account for your loss of 30 points on the writing).

Do you have any explanation as to how you did so poorly on the math? It doesn't make any sense to me. Did you know there would be 'more advanced' material on the test? Do you remember functions (from what I can tell, it's their new favorite topic)? Do you actually remember thinking 'here's a problem I don't know how to solve' or were they just dumb mistakes? I'm curious!

Gene Weingarten: This was the second time I took the SAT as an adult, for a column. The first time I got an 800 in English and a 710 in math.

How to explain the low grade this time? Not sure. I did not study or review any math either time, and the only difference was that this time I did not answer a few questions. (I have no recollection how to compute the slope of a line, and there are always two or three or four questions on that. This time, I left those blank.)

That's all I can think of. I retain a reasonable knowledge of geometry, algebra and number theory, which seems to be about half the math. So, I dunno. As I said, I am Concerned.

Gene Weingarten: (I love it when women chatters tell me they are cute. especially in startlingly nonsequiturs. It gets me all excited. Though I feel as though I need to remind you all, every single time I answer a question, that I am a homely, unlovable homunculus. I am so unworthy.)

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Wikiped, IA: Just an FYI - your page has existed since Oct 24th, 2004.

What is the officially appropriate verbiage to describe your relationship with the Czar? I'd like to update the page with the appropriate information.

Gene Weingarten: I have slept with the Czar's wife

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Virgini, TX: Gene, one cannot necessarily "un-lose" their virginity. Of course, it can grow back. I think it usually takes a year for virginity to grow back. At least, that is the time frame I have been able to determine. I don't see how it could take longer, and I really hope it is not less. Also, each time it grows back, it seems harder to get rid of, not unlike shaving.

Gene Weingarten: This is a very wise observation. Thank you.

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UPDATED 7.14.05

Gene Weingarten: I passed along the reader's question about Candorville's "Clyde" to Garry Trudeau, asking Garry if he thought the character was a ripoff of Doonesbury's pimped-out Clyde from the 1970s. Here is his answer:

I see what your reader means, but the creator of Candorville was born the year Clyde was introduced, so it seems unlikely. Of course, it's possible he saw the character in an old book, but I think if it were a conscious rip-off he would have at least changed the name. In this particular instance, I wouldn't be especially bothered even if there were some influence -- imitation being the sincerest, etc. The strip seems very promising and I wish it well.

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Winston-Salem, N.C.: Gene, Hi and I love your column and chat, thanks for both! I am writing because I feel I have lost my way a bit, and I am searching for answers. So this is definitely a Dr. Gene question. I am a 42-year-old woman who is currently living with a woman in a committed relationship. I was married (to a man) for 17 years and had three children (by the same man, by the way). I loved my husband and was never sickened by sex with him, that is not why I am having sex with a woman now. I love her and enjoy her company. I had a life crisis at 40, I am still going through it, I think. I am not a hardcore lesbian; I love men. Another thing you should know before I ask my question, I have lived here in the South my whole life, I was raised in a Baptist Church and I have always voted Republican, just like my dad.

So here is the question, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I really having some kind of nervous breakdown? Nothing makes sense anymore, and my family thinks I am certifiable. Tell me, Dr. Gene!

Gene Weingarten: Here is the answer, which comes from a therapist in the South:

Speaking for me, my psychologist partner, and 99 percent of the lesbians that we know: Ms. N.C. is perfectly NORMAL. We are and have known many self-identified lesbians and bi-women who also experience attraction to men. People choose who to build a life with based on many factors; gender is not the only one! The fact is that "attraction" is not as simple as Americans want to pretend. It should be thought of as a "continuum," not an either/or proposition (so to speak). Be who you are, love who you love and try to appreciate the variations of color in the world -- it is not just a black or white, gay or straight dichotomy!

I would suggest that Ms. N.C. examine her dissatisfaction in light of her other identities that were listed. Why were they listed, and why mention her dad? Baptist, Republican, Southern. She lives in a briefly acknowledged committed relationship but makes no mention of love there? Maybe she's bored; maybe she always wants what she does not have. It can take LIFETIMES to work through those issues!

This goes, of course, along with the larger chat discussion about whether its easier for women to "flip." From my perspective, yes it is. Our society puts a huge burden on men to conform to very rigid roles (including gay roles and gay society) and punishes them if they don't follow those unwritten rules. Women get more latitude on some social conventions, simply by being "off the radar" -- unimportant -- much of the time.

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I heart Gene: Kissing another woman -- No. Never. Not even my mother. Not even on the cheek. Yuck.

Pantylines -- I need full coverage at all times so I am always guilty of panty lines. Sorry ladies. Under a white shirt I generally wear whatever bra is clean, but I tend to lean toward black, because I am brown and beige is still like wearing a white bra for me.

I wear panties with panty hose. Don't ever want my bottomside private parts touching any part of my clothes. Yuck. However, I may let my top parts swing free on occasion.

I squat in toilets (if my a-- cheeks touched the public toilet seat, I might throw up on myself) and note the women who do not wash their hands afterward. I also flush with my foot.

I don't understand baseball, but I have a warm place in my heart for it because it reminds me of sitting on the porch on warm summer nights with my grandpa while he listened to the games on a small handheld radio and told me stories about when he was growing up.

Gene Weingarten: I am posting this because it is somehow charming. But mostly because I have fallen in love with the expression "bottomside private parts."

I would be correct in expressing condolences for your country's recent tragedy, yes?

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Herndon, Va: Submitting this for a frien -- He and I are both very interested to know what you think (I do this, and I don't know why! What's wrong with me?):

"Someone asked last week if the women who don't like kissing other women on the lips also have problems undressing in front of other women. As a follow-up, I've noticed that most women will inevitably turn their back to you when they put on a bra, regardless of what they were doing beforehand, if you get my meaning. I've asked some of my other guy friends, and they've also noticed this. Is it some sort of inherent modesty? Or are we all just ugly?"

Gene Weingarten: Holy cow. This is a good question. I am prohibited by law from disclosing any personal experiences in this area, but suffice it to say I am intrigued.

So. Can I hear from some women on this subject?

My guess: The putting on of a bra is a somewhat ungainly and undignified act.

washingtonpost.com: I think you're on to something there. 

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Hum, OR: Is this funny? 

Gene Weingarten: This is one of the funniest Web sites I have seen. I love this, particularly what happens when you extricate her from a logjam.

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Madis, ON: Gene, My sister-in-law says that she invented the name "Madison" for a girl, so we have her to blame. She says she got it from the Counting Crows song "Round Here," at the very end, when Adam Duritz sings "Madison, I'm under the gun, round here." She heard that, and thought that man, that's just the perfect baby name. I'm not kidding you.

And yeah, she still thinks those are the real words.

Gene Weingarten: That;s good! The actual name -- as an American girls' first name -- was derived from the name of the mermaid in "Splash." But you knew that.

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Toled'OH: For "Marburg" read "Marbury": Otherwise the joke isn't funny.

Gene Weingarten: Marburg was correct. It was a joke about a virus.

It was? I thought it was a reference to the famous Supreme Court case Marbury v. Madison, and so obviously did this person.

Gene Weingarten: The poster was making a joke about the name "catching on" and "spreading," as I recall. He was talking about the Marburg virus. But he or she was also making an oblique reference to Madison, perhaps. That would have been very smart. I call upon the poster to state his or her intentions.

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Land of Cleve, OH: Boston is not the only town that despises the Yankees. Heck, one their pitchers killed one of our batters. One of the best baseball books I've ever read relates this event and the most exciting pennant races ever -- "The Pitch That Killed" by Mike Sowell.

The Indians during the fifties were always runner-ups and during the 40-year drought it seemed we were just another New York farm club. And Clevelanders are soooo tired of the whining by Cubs and Red Sox fan; not only do the Indians hold the record for consecutive seasons finishing out of the money, we haven't had a championship since 1964 - in ANYTHING (indoor soccer doesn't count).

Gene Weingarten: True. And you left out yet another indignity. In 1958, I believe, Yankees third baseman Gil MacDougald lined a ball back at the Indians' great rookie pitcher, Herb Score, smashing his eye socket and effectively ending his career.

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UPDATED 7.15.05

Arlington, Va.: You make assumptions when working the Sudoku puzzle?

I thought all these could be solved by logic, without ever needing to guess where a number should go.

Gene Weingarten: Good catch. I meant "deductions," not "assumptions." Sudoku is entirely symbolic logic.

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Wooster, Ohio: The guy with the bruises could have lyme disease -- he didn't say if the spots looked like bull's eyes but with lyme's the spots disappear after a week or so- and if you miss the spots the next symptoms you experience will be neurological problems five months later. Hope that guy sees a Doc fast.

Gene Weingarten: You hearing this, guy?

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Moron cloc, ks: Gene,

A couple of months ago my wife and I received a mantle clock that's been in her family for quite a while. I absolutely love the thing, but wish the mechanism were visible. The giver had the clock repaired since it had taken a spill from its last mantle. After winding it religiously (on Sundays - speaking of which, when do you wind your eight day clocks?) for several weeks, it made a disconcerting "thunk" while being wound and then ceased to operate. We took it to a local repair shop. They cleaned it, replaced one of the springs, and swore that we did not "overwind" the thing. It worked wonderfully for several weeks. Now, however, it will stop (with no obvious regularity) before the quarter hour (it chimes every 15 minutes). It may run for days or only for hours, but eventually it will stop before day 8, and always just before the quarter hour. Attempts to rewind it don't seem to help since the springs are still mostly wound. The only thing that seems to help is advancing past the quarter hour and restarting the pendulum. This, of course, is unacceptable.

Any thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: Pet peeve: Mantel, not mantle.

You need to take it back to the guy who last fixed it. He didn't fix it so good. The reason it stops before the three quarter hour is probably that it isn't delivering enough juice to the gears. A minute or two before every chime, a clock movement has to push a lever in addition to doing its ordinary work. If the clock is well maintained and tuned, this is no problem. If the clock is not, then it won't have the strength to do this, and that's where it will stop, every time.

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Takoma Park, Md.: For those of us who don't get out much: could you please explain the Joe Dimaggio punchline?

Gene Weingarten: Where you been all your life, Jocko? This is a chestnut.

Guy goes into a bar with dog, tells bartender he has a talking dog, and he'll prove it for a free drink. Bartender gives him the drink. Guys says to the dog, "What is sandpaper?" Dog says "ruff." Guy says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" Dog says, "roof." Guy says to the dog, "Who was the greatest hitter of all time?" Dog says "Rufe" (This works better in person, where you can vary the sounds slightly to better approximate the answers but still sound like a dog. .)

The baretender has heard enough. He throws the guy and the dog out of the bar. In the street, the dog turns to the guy and says, "What, I should have said DiMaggio?"

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Laurel, Md.: Don, did you go to Larsen's perfect game?

Gene Weingarten: He did not. My father had two tickets. I would not even have been offered the second if my brother had wanted to go; Don never liked baseball. I was too young to make a rational decision. My father -- sob -- wound up giving away the second ticket

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homophob, IA: In response to the lesbian assuring the homophobic wife that lesbians are not checking her out, I have a take the other side. As a gay man, I can assure every straight (especially the homophobic ones) man out there that every single gay man is checking them out and imagining doing "things."

Gene Weingarten: Thank you!

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Alexandria, Va.: I hope it's not too late to get in but the Left Coast CPOW reminded me of a neighborhood newsletter from a few months ago.

It had three items printed consecutively.

The first was a comment that there seemed to be more poop that hasn't been picked up lately. The second was that someone's cat was missing. The third was that there had been the sighting of a fox in the neighborhood.

Gene Weingarten: This is great! And fairly subtle.

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New York, N.Y.: Should I worry about my wife's sense of humor? She did not find the ipecac scene from Sunday's "Family Guy" at all funny.

Furthermore, she has trouble laughing at everyday ironies and hypocracies. She gets stressed out about her co-workers' idiotic behavior instead of finding the humor in it.

However, the other day at dinner, after I had a conversation with the waitress about whether the chocolate cake was worth ordering, my wife did tell me she had the urge to pee all over me in order to mark her territory. Any cause for concern here?

Gene Weingarten: No cause for concern. The sense of humor is there, you need to coax it out.

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Takoma Park, Md.: Liz, did you really let Gene compare lesbian sex to sushi? Do you have to clean out your desk now?

Gene Weingarten: Liz doesn't LET me do anything. She can't edit what I write, because chat correspondence is instantaneous. Her best hope was that no one would mention this again, to draw more attention to it.

washingtonpost.com: As long as he doesn't ask for links, he can do whatever he wants.

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Madison: Chatwoman supreme, can you link to the "Madison sucks" article? thanks lots!

Gene Weingarten: Please. If you search for "Madisonness" and "Splash" you will find it.

washingtonpost.com: Oh well. Below the Beltway (Sept. 21, 2003)

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UPDATED 7.18.05

Haunted, Va.: We have a live in anny who is from a country in latin America. She is very interested/believes in ghosts, etc. She thinks our house is haunted and relates all kinds of weird things that have happened while she is there alone (kids asleep, dogs asleep, etc).

I attribute all of this to central AC/heating/plumbing noises/etc. My husband thinks it is funny to tell her someone died in the house and obviously didn't leave.

We do smell cigarette smoke sometimes (no one smokes -- except that person that may have died in the house before we bought it...)

We also hear conversations on the baby monitor (I say it's a cell phone -- they say it is messages from BEYOND).

Do I keep making fun of them? Or should I get holy water?

Gene Weingarten: No holy water.

Want my take on this general subject. It is not very complicated.

There are no miracles, and have never been any miracles, in the history of the world. There have been things we cannot yet explain because we lack the knowledge to understand them, scientifically and logically. I am defining "miracles" here in the understood context.

One might contend that life itself, or the perception of beauty, or the phenomenon of love, is a miracle. I do. But that is not the same thing.

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Norfolk, Va.: Gene, a former coworker of mine at the Dayton Daily News did something similar with the writing portion of Ohio's standardized test. After interviewing the testing company, he believed the graders would place more value on organization and sentence structure than on content and ideas. So he submitted two pieces, one outline-perfect organized, with nicely varied sentence structure, and consisting of complete drivel. The other was (in his opinion) more thoughtful and responsive to the question, but full of run-ons, bad grammar, chaotic punctuation. Drivel won. Hands down. (Sorry) Something like 4 to 1 on a five-point scale.

Gene Weingarten: This is not a legitimate test. I would argue that illiteray is a significant reason to give a poor grade.

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Sloopy: There was an actual debate on Sloop John B vs. Hang on Sloopy? Brian Wilson blowing his nose would be a better song than Hang on Sloopy...

Gene Weingarten: Tell that to Ms. Liz know-it-all smartynopants Who Speaks For Her Generation. 

washingtonpost.com: See, the original comment here proves my theory, which is that Gene and you and countless other lemmings would choose the Beach Boys no matter what or, as you put it, if it was just a recording of Brian Wilson blowing his nose.

I don't dispute that the Beach Boys are the superior band. However, I do maintain that "Hang on Sloopy" is the superior song in this instance. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

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Washington, D.C.: "I believe that abortion is wrong because it ends a human life, so once again: your right to pursuit of birth control ends where the fetus's rights begin."

Since when does ANY human, born or unborn, have the "right" to sustain their life BY INHABITING AND USING ANOTHER PERSON'S BODY without that person's continuing permission to do so? Is a pregnant woman not a human being, too? Does YOUR right to control who may or may not use YOUR internal organs end where their right to live begins?

And for those who say, "well, she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to be an incubator" -- maybe you shouldn't drive if you don't want to give your body parts to anyone you may injure while driving, even if you make every effort to avoid the accident (after all, abstinence is the only way, right?).

And yet, no matter how careless you are while driving or roller-skating or anything else, you still are never, ever considered to have irrevocably given your body or body parts to someone else by your carelessness.

Besides, a lot can change in nine months. A woman may willingly get pregnant with a wanted child -- but due to changed circumstances somewhere in there, may find that her life, health, or sanity is endangered by the pregnancy. Because she consented, under different circumstances, is she not entitled to say no to further use of her body?

Someone who is not allowed to say no to someone else's use of their body is a slave. We outlawed slavery in America. Why do you think we should bring it back for pregnant women?

Gene Weingarten: Whoa. Well. I am about as strong an advocate of choice as exists on this planet, I think, but this argument seems extreme even to me.

Actually, it is not that it is illogical -- it isn't really, and I essentially buy it -- it's that it is, um, a tad ... hostile?

Calm down, now. Take your meds like a good girl. It's hard to argue that one is not significantly contributorily negligent to the situation resulting in an unwanted fetus. It's also just a little cold to compare a fetus to a parasite. I do believe it is about one's right to control one's own body.

And I consider that right essentially absolute.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene -- Last week you mentioned that your wife was very impressed with Jamie Carroll at the Nats game and it bothered you. I'm having the same problem with my wife! We've been to eight games this season, and my wife is completely oblivious to large turning points in the game (such as run scoring plays or defensive gems). However, she always seems to know the whereabouts of Jamie Carroll (e.g., "Oh look, Jamie Carroll is playing shortstop today" or "Good...Jamie Carroll is batting this inning). When I've inquired about her fascination with him, she simply says "I just like Jamie Carroll". She's expressed zero interest in any other player on the team. What is it about Jamie Carroll?!?

For what it's worth, my wife also likes Screech the mascot.

Gene Weingarten: Here's the weird thing: We were seated in the loge in deep center field. From that distance, Jamey Carroll was the size of a Tic Tac. This guy must have some pheromones or something.

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Arlington, Va.: Can we use eminent domain to replace "Prickly City" with a comic that is actually funny?

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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Doof, US: In his column today ("Syntax, Disassembled"), Eugene Robinson writes, " How can these people -in the Bush administration] be so comically doofus with the language . . . . "

I am shocked that the Post's copy editors missed this egregious misuse of the word "doofus." As any well educated speaker of English knows, "doofus" is a noun, not an adjective. The correct adjectival form of "doofus," if such must be used, is "doofusy." The use of "doofus" as an adjective may be popular in some circles, but more is expected from an institution such as the Washington Post.

This is but one more example of the assault on the English language by those who are either ignorant of or hostile to the traditional rules of English grammar. Traditional English -- the language of Shakespeare, of the King James Bible, of the Declaration of Independance -- is being corrupted every day by Philistines and barbarians.

Those of us, such as yourself, Mr. Weingarten, who treasure this language must be constantly vigilent and must resist the ongoing degradation of our heritage.

Gene Weingarten: "Vigilant," not "vigilent." "Independence," not "Independence." "The Washington Post," not "the Washington Post."

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Washington, D.C.: Did you read the Hillary book? What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: I did.

I am not a particular fan of Hillary; I have voted for Republicans in the past, but never for president -- yet I can imagine voting for a reasonable Republican over Hillary.

However... This book is a laughable hatchet job: vicious, unfair, and irresponsible on its face.

I will give one simple example. The book first strongly implies that Hillary is a lesbian, without any credible evidence. It then, almost immediately, asserts that she had an affair with Vince Foster. It makes not even a token effort to reconcile these two assertions.

The whole thing reads like that: A cut and paste of every possible bit of terrible innuendo, srung together inelegantly, without paying lip service to fairness or balance. It makes Fox News look like Cronkite.

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