Chatological Humor* (Updated 8.22.05)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

Daily Updates: 8.17.05 | 8.18.05 | 8.19.05 | 8.22.05

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

This Week's Poll

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

First, I want to thank the hundreds of you who sent me heartfelt condolences upon the death of my dog, Harry S Truman. They were all moving, and all were appreciated, even the ones that included extremely bad poetry. The reason I disclosed Harry's death at the end of the chat, and not the beginning, is that I didn't want things to become maudlin and weepy. This is, after all, a humor chat, and Harry was, after all, "just" a dog. For similar reasons, I will ask that we not revisit this subject during the chat today, though I will ask Chatwoman to link here to three pieces I have written about Harry, over the years: A Death in the Family ( July 11, 2004 ), The Bark Stops Here, ( March 14, 2004 ). Then, at the end of the chat, I will sign off with a brief eulogy to the guy; in doing so, I will become an emotions racketeer, a sin for which I will be consigned to Writer's Hell. Feel free to skip it.

On Friday, I saw "The Aristocrats" at the E Street Cinema in D.C., one of a few area movie houses courageous enough to show it. It was an interesting experience, since a sizeable proportion of the audience seemed to be composed of denizens of this chat. Five different groups of people found me -- apparently all on the basis of Eric Shansby's embarrassingly accurate caricatures.

I have said in the past that I believe Stephen Hunter is America's greatest living film critic, and I still believe this, and I would never say anything bad about my prodigiously talented friend and colleague, except that, in this instance, regarding this movie, he has his head wedged firmly up his arse. And it was a tough fit, because, in this instance, that arse was waaay too tightly sphinctered.

"The Aristocrats" cannot be reviewed as any normal movie would be reviewed, because it is not really a movie. Yes, yes, the camera work is sloppy and the editing of questionable skill, and, when you get right down to it, the joke itself -- the single joke around which the entire movie is premised -- isn't particularly funny. But the fact is, this is an hour and a half of jaw-dropping, eye-popping humor that manages not only to induce literal spit-takes (one for me, one for my son, at different moments, while sipping bottled water) but articulately explores the dark soul of even light comedy -- sedition, subversion, treason, whatever you want to call it. You are watching 95 comics in a giddy conversation with one another, as though no one else were around to censor, censure, gasp, walk out, write indignant Letters to the Management, etc. You will see people with squeaky clean reputations, people you might well think of as tired, sellout hacks (most famously, Bob Saget) saying things that would make a vulture puke. Saget delivers some of his lines almost reluctantly, as though against his better judgment, while literally banging his head against a table. He reminds you of Peter Sellers's Dr. Strangelove, trying but failing to stifle a Nazi salute.

What is happening here? Nothing more or less than comedy coming to terms with itself. Comedy is a spirited defense against the knowledge that our lives are irrational, terrifying, surreal, obscene, hostile and fatal. You know what I mean? These are just words, harmlessly boinging around in that scary soup, making fun of our taboos, and the fact that "good" people are apt to be offended is just part of the joke. See?

If you're reading this chat, you probably do.

Some of the standup comics are great, some less so; some, interestingly, basically just Wouldn't Really Go There. Worth the price of admission alone are the performances by Sarah Silverman, the ventriloquist team of Otto and George, Billy the Mime, Kevin Pollak, Eric Mead and Gilbert Gottfried, who started this whole thing by first telling The Aristocrats publicly in New York, a couple of weeks after 9/11. That performance is the high point of the movie, and led to my spit-take. (Listen for "Now, where was I...")

Despite my warnings, a friend of mine, a daring young woman, plans to see this with her ma. I do not recommend this. (Though, come to think of it, my son went with his ma. Of course, this is not an ordinary ma. Or son.)

Okay. Then.

On a related, and deeply disturbing note, I direct your attention to this item from Canada: F-word Makes It into Editors' Language Guide .

Nothing like this has happened in the United States, to my knowledge, certainly not in The Washington Post stylebook. What on Earth have we come to, as a society, when Canada leads the way in hipness and liberal intellectual derring-do?

And in another related event, there was a very interesting development on the comics pages. It turns out there were two versions of a recent "Bizarro" strip, both of which are linked to here.

When some editors objected to the one on the left, presumably because of its political message, Dan Piraro replaced it with the one on the right. What I find interesting is that the first one, soaked as it is in sanctimony, isn't very funny. And the replacement is a hoot. (Also making a sociopolitical point, but a subtler one.)

Please take today's poll, which seems to be highly arbitrary, but is anything but. I'm going to tell you my answers relatively early. I'm not confident my answers are "right," and I'd like to open a dialogue.

Okay, now. Lessee. Weak comic week, with two surreal exceptions. The Comic Pick of the Week is Sunday's nifty Candorville , which is becoming one of my faves. And the first runner up, on a similar Twilight Zone note, is Sunday's Doonesbury . Honorable mention: Tuesday's Speed Bump.

So. Have at me.

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c, UT: So my brother's having a baby boy (well, ok, technically his wife's having it) and he's looking for a moyle. He said that in his town there's a reform moyle, a conservative moyle and an orthodox moyle, which sounds like the great start to a joke -- "A reform moyle, a conservative moyle and an orthodox moyle walk into a bar..."

Gene Weingarten: Mohel. Yeah, it is an odd pronunciation. If you ever saw Fiddler on the Roof, you need to know that "Muttle" the tailor is actually spelled "Motel." In the transliteration, anyway.

Anyway, this is good. Let's all try to come up with a joke. Send em to me at weingarte(at)washpost.com, and I will print the best one(s) in tomorrow's update. I'll try to come up with one now. Lemme think.

Gene Weingarten: Okay. Took five minutes.

So, the orthodox mohel orders a Four Roses, and the others ask him why he chose that drink. "In honor of the 'foreskin,' which it is my honor to remove according to ancient traditions." The conservative mohel orders a Cutty Sark, and the others ask why. "Why, to celebrate the act of cutting, which is essential to the celebration of this important ritual of the Jewish faith." The reform mohel orders a Bud, and the others ask why. "It sounds like 'butt'," the reform mohel says, taking a gulp. "What does that have to do with our holy mission?" ask the two other mohels. The reform mohel shrugs his shoulders and says, "Vell, it's close enough."

Hey, it was five minutes.

Gene Weingarten: You can do better, right?

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Washington, D.C.: So, when you joked that Ruth Bader-Ginsburg favors "mandatory abortions," how much hate mail did you get? And of the two options for hating that joke ("A baby's life is no joke!" versus "A Woman's right to choose is in danger, this is no time for jokes!") which one did you get more of?

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Bland Justice , ( Post Magazine, Aug. 14 )

Gene Weingarten: Not a single letter. This column got no hate mail, so far. I was almost ... disappointed.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: I reported a phone line problem to Verizon yesterday. An hour later I checked the status of my problem and found out why Verizon has problems -- here is the report:

"Trouble Report Status: Trouble is waiting to be dispatched to a technician."

washingtonpost.com: Don't even get me started. My home phone line has been out of service for a week. The earliest the automated line could give me an appointment was for yesterday, Monday, in the incredibly small window of 8 a.m. - 6 p.m. So, Matt stayed home. And Verizon never showed up. I called, irate, and was told the technician was behind schedule and we'd be rescheduled for this morning from 8 a.m. - Noon. Just called. No Verizon. I'm gonna go postal. I know Gene really cares about this.

Gene Weingarten: Any more Verizon horror stories?

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Salt Lake City, Utah: Gene,

So, were you under the gun to get a poll in this week, like the last time when you asked about favorite colors? This one smacks of "no effort" or "I was in a hurry."

Gene Weingarten: No. Believe it or not, I spent time on this one. I had certain assumptions, and they were right!

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Genes: OK, so before you go reaching any broad (pun intended) conclusions about what today's article on overpriced jeans says about the American female, keep this in mind: Some silly women may pay $200 for a pair of jeans that they wear for a year or two, but some men pay $200 for a GOLF GAME that lasts three or four hours. Now I ask you, which seems more ridiculous: Spending that much so your butt looks better than it does bare, or spending it to lose a few balls in the weeds?

washingtonpost.com: Tres Cheek: The Denim Mystique, ( Post, Aug. 16 )

Gene Weingarten: I don't think a woman spending $200 for a pair of jeans is insane, so long as it contributes to the beautification of the American streets.

Seriously, I wear jeans about 90 percent of my waking life, and I wear them until they are worn out. If they cost $200, they would still be a bargain. Jeans: One of life's great bargains.

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Taos: Gene --

I think you and the reader from "Soggy Foggy Bottom" (ah the wit!) have missed Lao Tzu's meaning entirely. ("Failure is the foundation of success; success is the lurking place of failure.")

The point of the second half of the quote is not really so much about hubris, although it is true that an overabundance of success usually does produce the kind of overconfidence that preceeds a huge fall (see MacBeth, the Bush Administration, the 2005 Red Sox, etc.).

From the Taoist viewpoint, failure IS success, and success IS failure. A man who is truly at one with Tao walks among the world unknown among the masses of men. He comes and goes and makes no ripples. And, in his pursuit of Tao, if he were to proclaim, "Aha! I am at total oneness with Tao! Success!" he would instantly lose his connection with Tao. It's always moving out ahead of him.

In that spirit, the Taoist is not supposed to seek earthly success, because those successes come at the cost of great spiritual failure. It's sort of like Paul's letter to the Corinthians, in which he asks Christians to be fools to the world. The thinking is that God might not agree with what the world deems to be "wealth", "wisdom" or "success."

This has been your moment of Zen. Now back to your regularly scheduled poop-and-boobs chat, already in progress.

Gene Weingarten: You wound me. This is not a poop and boobs chat. This is a poop and boobs and underpants chat.

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Gene Weingarten: Oh, Liz, can you link to the Blondie from Saturday here?

Sadly, this has a terrible error. There is, indeed, a rhyme to "Worcestershire sauce," as I pointed out to the cartoonist in an email. I wrote him one:

From Dagwood to Blondie:

You're a temptress, a beauty, a woman of grace,

With a dream of a figure, and the fairest of face.

And when in the kitchen, you're not the mere boss,

But also an artist with Worchestershire sauce.

washingtonpost.com: Blondie , ( Aug. 13 )

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Alexandria, Va.: Gene, do you ever play with Altavista's online Babelfish translator? I translated the discussion intro into Japanese and then back to English. You would think it would be pretty much the same if it worked correctly, but here are the results:

"The column of the humor which becomes the mark of the dispute of Weingarten of the gene appears, under Beltway, all Sunday of the magazine of Washington post. He some day eagerly desires the fact that it becomes the treasure of the citizen in order to take your question and abuse, but in all ratios, new model item of gag of the citizen like the rubber make dog where poo. He is the online it is many, every Tuesday, presently is. He concerning even with something chats. He'll chat about anything."

I find this funny. Am I warped or just desparate for a laugh?

Gene Weingarten: See next posting.

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Alexandria, Va.: Re: Translations -- The German version is even better, if only because it can translate "rubber dog poo" into a single German word, but cannot translate that word back to English.

"Towards wine garden appears disputed Stimmungspalte, under the Beltway, each Sunday in the Washington post magazine. It strives, a national treasure of a daily to become, but is at present more a national Gag novelty individual part, like Gummihundpoo. It its, in any case, each Tuesday on-line to take your questions and abuse. It chats over everything."

Gene Weingarten: Gummihundpoo is so good it hurts. Wow. Thank you.

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Hot and Sticky, Fla.: Good Afternoon, Based on your thoughts, comments, jokes and general commentary regarding poo, I have a hunch you have a pretty keen sense of smell. You also have a wide fan base of panty throwing women and I think this more than qualifies you to settle a debate.

I need you to help a co-worker and I decide what scents a man prefers a woman wear. He swears by classic scents of Chanel, Dior, etc. I think men prefer sweet scents of vanilla, coconut, chocolate. In other words, food smells. If the way to a man's heart is though his stomach you kill two birds with one stone based on my theory.

So, can you help us settle this fragrant question? By the way, I heart you and he emphatically does not... this piece of information, of course, will not change your impartial nature.

Gene Weingarten: Me, I don't like perfumes. I think women smell great the way they are -- or, that is, the way their hair smells. It's all about the hair. I suppose that means it's all about the fragrance of their shampoo, but I don't seem to have dramatic preferences there. I think I like the smell of clean womanhair.

Sorry, that's of no help.

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Virginville, Pa.: Good column Sunday. To show that there aren't any interesting names left on the Federal bench, here are my favorite Circuit Court Judges' names. It helps to precede each with the words "Chief Justice," e.g., "Ladies and Gentlmen, may I present Chief Justice Fagg."

Kermit V. Lipez, 1st Circuit

Wilfred Feinberg, 2nd Circuit

Guido Calabresi, 2nd Circuit

Reena Raggi, 2nd Circuit

Ruggero J. Aldisert, 3rd Circuit

Harvie Wilkinson III, 4th Circuit

E. Grady Jolly, 5th Circuit

Patrick E. Higginbotham, 5th Circuit

Jaques L. Weiner, Jr., 5th Circuit

Rhesa H. Barksdale, 5th Circuit

Richard F. Suhrheinrich, 6th Circuit

Lavenski R. Smith, 8th Circuit

George G. Fagg, 8th Circuit

Joseph T. Sneed, 9th Circuit

Procter Hug, Jr., 9th Circuit

Otto R. Skopil, 9th Circuit

Deaneel Reece Tacha, 10th Circuit

Gerald Bard Tjoflat, 11th Circuit

Timothy B. Dyk, Federal Circuit

Gene Weingarten: These are GREAT. Thank you.

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Ivy League Prestige: You wrote: "1. Harvard 2. Yale 3. Princeton (big drop) 4. UPenn 5. Cornell or Columbia 6. Cornell or Columbia (big drop) 7. Dartmouth (big drop) 8. Brown."

Wrong, wrong, wrong. I think you have biases in favor of Penn and Cornell -- no one else I know considers them to be nearly as prestigious as Columbia or Dartmouth. As Curtis Sittenfeld wrote in her brilliant novel "Prep": there are eight good schools "because Penn and Cornell were barely Ivies, but Stanford and Duke might as well have been."

Gene Weingarten: No no no. This is old thinking. You are outdated. UPenn has had a huge boost in national rep in the last few years because of the rankings in US NEWS, which are very influential, for some reason. US NEWS has UPenn as the seventh best school in the country, sometimes higher than Princeton.

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Pentag, ON: Gene,

It has come to my attention that there is a school named "The University of Maryland University College." As Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making this up. They've got a Web page: www.umuc.edu. My question... Don't you think this is a really dumb name? Was "Bubba's House o' Learnin'" already taken? Next time your short of column ideas, maybe you could phone them up and make fun of them?

Poop.

Gene Weingarten: I went to New York University University College.

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State of Denial: Gene, I'm a little surprised that you would classify your heavy drug use as a "victimless crime." That sounds like a good attempt to rationalize an illegal and destructive behavior.

A good friend of mine is a District Attorney in a large west coast city. They had 24 shootings in just one neighborhood last week; one murder and two threats of murder. What was the cause behind all this? Drugs. Buying, selling, using... all intertwined. Please explain how that is "victimless."

Harumph.

Gene Weingarten: I like your place name.

I have, in the distant past, bought illegal substances, but I never bought your argument. I don't think the buyer of an ounce of pot shares any guilt for the fact that really bad people sometimes are involved in the pot-production industry.

I don't think this is the same thing as knowingly buying stolen property, for example. If you do that, you know that your purchase is, quite directly, cheating someone else (the victim of the theft.) You are complicit.

I didn't say heavy drug use isn't destructive: It nearly killed me. But in this regard, I guess I am a libertarian. That's my right.

I guess I feel the same about prostitution. Never bought sex meself, and I don't think I'd want to know someone who does, but so long as the hooker is an adult, acting of her own free will, I can't get much worked up about this act being a crime -- either for the buyer or seller.

This does remind me, however, of a time in Miami in the early 1980s. I know I have writ about this before. I was in a convenience store on Biscayne Boulevard when a hooker, resplendent in hot pants and a push-up bra and nothing else, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked if I wanted "a date." I laughed and said she seemed like a fine young lady, but that I didn't think my wife would be too thrilled with this, and she was outside in the car with my baby (Molly, at about 6 months old. Well, she laughed, and I left, and she followed me out, and suddenly she squealed and called out to my wife. "Miss [my wife's last name]" she said. And my wife waved to her, and she came over to the car, and she cooed and fussed over Molly.

My wife was a prosecutor in misdemeanor court, and she had prosecuted this woman a couple of times. No hard feelings, on either side.

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Allegany, N.Y.: The reason you got no hate mail for that column is because everyone knows how hot Ruth Bader Ginsberg is. Just watch her when she takes off her glasses and puts her hair down. And when she walks on your back with those sensible shoes? Oh my...

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha. She is definitely a cutiepie. I think if my wife and I had one of those "List of Three" deals, Ruth would be on my list.

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Washington, D.C.: Were you at the Aristocrats showing with the drunken frat boys in the front row? The audience applause after that girl told them to shut the **** up restored my faith in humanity.

Gene Weingarten: I was not, but, under the circumstances, that sounds great.

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Gene, OH: Gene, I have been traveling seemingly constantly for weeks, unable to join your chats live, but as today, have read retrospectively. However, I do have some thoughts on the aged topic of lamest rock songs and last week's angry rock songs discussion. Clearly, the lamest was Tommy James and the Shondells' "(My Baby Does The) Hanky Panky."

Angriest? Well, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers' "You Tell Me (what you want me to be when you're finished with me)" is pretty nasty, but I don't understand how all the Bob Dylan posters missed "Masters of War":

"I hope that you die and I hope you die soon,

I'll follow your casket on a gray afternoon,

and I'll watch as they lower you down to your deathbed,

and I'll stand over your grave 'till I'm sure that you're dead."

Hands down, slam dunk, to my way of thinking. Not funny.

Gene Weingarten: That's not a putdown; that's hatred.

My son, Dan, suggested "Vanz Kant Danz" by Jon Fogerty. A great song. Written about Fogerty's former boss at a recording studio, Saul Zaentz. Lyric: "Vanz can't dance, but he'll steal your money...."

Chorus:

Vanz can't dance, but he'll steal your money,

Watch him or he'll rob you blind. ---

Out in the street a crowd is gatherin',

Pushed down by the heat of the building, they're wantin' to dance.

Makin' their way up the street, a boy with a pig and a radio;

Little billy can work on the crowd, put 'em into a trance,

For the little pig vanz.

Chorus

You're watchin' 'em dance, not a care in the world;

So billy and vanz get busy, they're makin' their move;

The little pig knows what to do, he's silent and quick, just like oliver twist;

Before it's over, your pocket is clean,

A four-legged thief paid a visit on you.

---

Factoid: The song was originally recorded as "Zanz Kant Danz," but Zaentz either sued or threatened to, so Fogerty rerecorded it.

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Centreville, Va.: What are your thoughts on the manner in which The Post is handling their involvement with the Freedom Walk?

washingtonpost.com: Post Drops Plan to Promote Pentagon Event , ( Post, Aug. 16 )

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I think this was an honest mistake, and I'm glad The Post corrected it. Clearly, this is an event with a political feel to it. The Post is extremely strict (in my view, correctly) on what its writers can and cannot do (we are not allowed, for example, to sign any petitions on any political or quasi-political issue)and that sort of prohibition should extend to the paper as a whole.

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Toena, IL: You probably won't publicly acknowledge this since it hits The Post's wallet but those incessant ads with the toenail lifting up really turn my stomache. I can't believe I'm alone in finding that image pretty disgusting. I only noted the name of the product so I can ensure that I NEVER PURCHASE IT OR ANYTHING FROM THAT COMPANY.

Gene Weingarten: I liked "stomache." That should be a word. It should simply replace "stomach ache."

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New York, N.Y.: This week's Bizarro reminded me of a citation I heard in law school.

The prof was explaining the doctrine of "res ipsa locquitur." He cited numerous examples of random acts, e.g., bolwing ball falling off roof, car driving through shop window, etc. He came to the last in this series of events and said, "this last one I can't mention in class, but you can look it up for yourself. The cite is 286 NYS 118."

I looked it up. It is worth the time. Apparently, there IS a "fighting stage" to anesthesia. Please have a librarian look it up and let us know if you can disclose the details in this chat.

Gene Weingarten: Heck, I'll bet some reader can check this out While U Wait. And Liz will determine if it can be published.

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CPoW: How could you have picked Candorville?!?!? I was sure I would have come to today's chat and found that you had caught the fundamental flaw in that strip -- if it were true, she would not remember the teddy bear.

Gene Weingarten: Well, technically, she wouldn't have remembered the whole dream, right?

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Falls Church, Va.: Verizon horror: My girlfriend went without home phone service for several weeks, because the technician kept not showing up (after she had stayed home all day waiting). We finally figured out that Verizon kept canceling her appointments because their central computer erroneously kept insisting that her line was fine. I literally had to beg and plead with the customer service rep to believe me when I said that her phone really was not working.

Really, there's nothing like having to do business with a company whose motto is: "The customer must be lying!"

Gene Weingarten: I can't tell you how many Verizon complaints I am getting. Actually I can. A shirtload.

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Angry Rock Music: I can't believe no one has suggested John Lennon's "How Do You Sleep" -- he not only calls Paul McCartney's songs muzak, but comments: "Those freaks was right when they said you was dead" and "the only thing you done was yesterday..."

I'd say that's some anger.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, a couple of people mentioned this. Shockingly, I am unfamiliar with the lyrics. Can someone post em?

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Aristocrats viewing: Saw it with my fiancee, her brother and his girlfriend, my sister and my old college roommate. Good times were had by all and we even made a couple of jokes at Sunday dinner with mom and pop and gma and gpa...

The editing really irritated me, just let them go with the joke for a couple of minutes, I hope the DVD answers this problem. Also September 3rd I will be hosting an Aristocrats tell off at my bachelor party, to record and submit, if anyone wants to join us the more the merrier...

Gene Weingarten: An excellent bachelor party idea.

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Anonymous: Re: Fighting stage. An old friend of mine, who's an anesthesiologist, says that back in the bad old days there was also an "explosive stage" in anesthesia.

Gene Weingarten: Oooh. Ew.

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UMUC, Md.: I worked at UMUC while a grad student at UMD. That nincompoop should have gone to the Web site before being a jerk, and should have realized that since it is eight miles outside DC, there would be people who are familiar.

It is part of UMD, a good state school. UMUC is the branch of the school that caters to working people, largely for MBAs. It is, therefore a college. It is part of the university. Hence, University College.

Gene Weingarten: Um. Okay. Relax. What are you doing on this chat, Thurston?

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There'snothing likeada, ME : Aptonym here .

A woman in New York City leading a protest in favor of women being allowed to go topless in public had the name of Jill (Phoenix) Feeley.

There's a classic sentence in the article: "We're just demonstrating a right," said Feeley, a self-described "gypsy" who says she lives in an RV powered by vegetable oil.

Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: None of this was any good, until the vegetable oil.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the Poll. In analyzing the days of the week, one must look either at form, or function, or both. In terms of form, "Saturday" is funniest because it contains "turd." However, a case could be made for "Thursday" because "thur" is a stupid sound. It is why Dashiell Hammet made the dork dead detective "Floyd Thursby" in the Maltese Falcon. A stupid name.

Wednesday is a close third, I supposed, but it requires additional information that not everyone has. Wednesday was named after the Norse God "Woden," who made the world using the rotting body of a dead guy, so that is cool. Also, Woden's wife's name was "Frigg." I kid you not. But I still go with Sat.

In terms of function, only Monday really works. It's a miserable, back to work, feel-sorry-for-yourself day. And no, "Hump Day" is not intrinsic to Wednesday, so it adds no humor to it.

Who disagrees, and why?

Fate is the funniest concept, because it suggests that EVERYTHING ON EARTH is pointless, and predetermined, and we are all meat puppets.

You are completely correct that the Southeast is the funniest part of the country; we are in such agreement, no explanation even seems necessary.

As to the funniest historical figures, it's hard to beat Victoria, who remained in black and in mourning for 50 years and had a hilarious view of morality and her own importance. But, you know, I'm going with Gandhi. The man drank his own urine. He slept beside naked virgins because he felt his wife was insufficient temptation to test his celibacy. This guy was a hoot.

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Olney, Md.: Gene, could I borrow Liz for just a second?

Liz, in order to let you be more ChatWoman than link monkey, could you PLEASE enlighten us on how to make clickable links when submitting questions? I've tried HTML, it doesn't work. And posts with opened parentheses generate weird errors. What's up with that?

washingtonpost.com: Scroll down to " Adding Links to Other Pages "

Gene Weingarten: Okay, then.

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Arlington, Va.: From Sunday's Miss Manners:

As a result, such places are often crammed with three factions, all of whom tell Miss Manners, with equal indignation, about the bad manners of those other people who are ruining the proper atmosphere of the place.

And both sides are fueled with caffeine.

Did she refer to three factions as "both?" Did Miss Manners.... make a mistake? Is that possible?

Gene Weingarten: You are confusing your hot female icons. Miss Manners can make mistakes, yes. Pat the Perfect cannot.

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Procter Hug, Jr., 9th Circuit : I used to work for Procter Hug, Jr. He's a sweetheart in the best sense of the word (even if he did name his progeny "Procter Hug III"). We used to call him "the aptly-named Judge Hug."

Gene Weingarten: My wife has an uncle (now deceased) whom I referred to as "the aptly named Uncle Dick."

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Prostitution, huh?: Gene,

Generally speaking, I see where you're coming from w/r/t "victimless crimes."

Although watching a family member self-destruct through drugs, or literally through suicide, does make me wonder how "victim-less" those actions -- even the non-criminal ones, are.

So, I'm with you. Criminalization isn't the way to go.

However, give me a break when you talk about the happy hooker who wanted to sell you her wares and then flipped happily to playing with your baby. Women don't get into hooking, or the porn industry for that matter, because they're just fine and happy, and have choices, and by the way, the carpentry apprentice program was all filled up.

I don't think criminalization is the answer. But show me a hooker or a porn actress who is in charge, in control of her professional life, not at the mercy of a controlling svengali (male or female), who isn't dealing with abuse issues, drug issues, or self-loathing issues, and I'll show you Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

And I didn't think you liked that kind of mainstream movie.

Gene Weingarten: So you blame the John for her predicament? You feel he is guilty of forcing her into this lifestyle?

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RE: Prostitution: Prostitution is legal and always has been legal. It's called "marriage".

Gene Weingarten: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, no.

This is not only cynical, but wrong.

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Leg, AL: Here is the salient portion of 286 NYS 186 (OUCH): "Defendant's story is that plaintiff was strapped to the operating chair; that a short time later, after plaintiff was in the excitement stage of nitrous oxide anaesthesia and as he moved closer to the chair to adjust the suction aspirator, plaintiff, despite the limited movement of the strapped wrist, clutched his testicles with a painful grip, which required the use of great force to release. Thereafter he proceeded with the operation and when the patient had recovered from the anaesthetic she complained of pain in the right little finger. The following day an X-ray of the finger showed on the second phalanx a narrow line which looked like a fracture. Thereupon he sent her to a doctor to treat the finger."

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

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Verizon!: Thanks to them, I am all cell phone and cable modem! When I had Verizon I lost my dial tone. I have to call from a pay phone and they don't want to help me because I can't give them a number to call me back at (I had a number, you broke it!). After a week of repair men coming out several times (for which I had to take precious vacation time), they still couldn't figure out what was wrong. I go to the Cingular store at lunch, get a phone that works and call Verizon to cancel my service. When the woman asks why, I tell her it's because my phone has been dead for a week and they don't seem to be able to fix it. So she says in a really nasty tone, "Well, if I cancel it, you're never going to get a dial tone!" Good riddance! I just feel bad for whoever moved into that apartment since they won't be able to get phone service!

Gene Weingarten: I haven[t been counting, but if anyone from Verizon is listening, you guys have a serious problem. Dozens of specific and bitter complaints.

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Lansing, Mich.: The mohel who performed our friends' first son's bris was later arrested for driving under the influence WHILE ON HIS WAY TO ANOTHER BRIS.

I can't make these things up...

Gene Weingarten: OMIGOD. That should get the death penalty.

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re: German words: My post of several weeks ago about the superiority of German words like gestalt, etc. has found new life with the German word for rubber dog poo.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed.

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Washington, D.C.: The kicker on that case (286 NYS 186) is that the court found the dentist liable for the patient's broken finger.

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This is great.

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It literally begs the question...: Gene,

I heard a news anchor the other day describe a robbery performed by "a real-life Bonnie and Clyde."

Shouldn't the producer that wrote that be fired?

Gene Weingarten: That's very funny.

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Boston, Mass.: I find the videos on this site incredibly incredibly funny, although they were created for Important Scientific Reasons. I submit them to you, Arbiter of Humor, for your opinion on their value.

Gene Weingarten: This is one cool doctoral dissertation; it sure beats analyzing Fitzgerald's symbolic use of the green light at the end of the pier in The Great Gatsby, doesn't it?

I find it more fascinating than funny. What's funny, though, are the occasional shots of frantic people, particularly when they are ducking out of the way of the launched snake.

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Frazz Go, OF: Shouldn't Frazz be facing the other way in the last panel of Saturday's strip? Will he claim he intended this, much like he did with Mrs. Wilson and the sprinkler? Comic minds want to know!

washingtonpost.com: Frazz , ( Aug. 13 )

Gene Weingarten: Nope, as I read it, he is in the correct position to have been pushed so hard he did several loop-de-loops. It was a good strip.

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Washington, D.C.: I know this is out of your general bailywick, whatever that word means, but do you have any thoughts on the Israeli pullout from some of the occupied territories?

Gene Weingarten: When I am looking to take a position on something about which I lack full knowledge, I generally find out where the religious activists stand, and take the opposing position.

So I am for the pullout.

Gene Weingarten: I looked it up. Bailiwick -- the district ("wick") of a bailiff.

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Aspen Hill, Md.: Any comments on the current FBOFW plotline? I seriously wondered at first if Johnston was going to let Elizabeth be raped (mostly because I didn't know how she would show that in a comic strip!). Then when it turned out that Anthony was the one coming to her rescue, it seemed like a cheap way of getting them back together.

Gene Weingarten: As I said a few weeks ago, this plotline is in super slo mo. But we know where it is going.

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Style Invitational: I think that word number 62830 deserves a much higher ranking. It certainly should go above #18636. And, of course, it is beaten out by 49263. We live in a male dominated world, unfortunately.

washingtonpost.com: Style Invitational , ( Post, Aug. 14 )

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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S Street NW: Isn't that story about a dentist part of a joke that ends with the pretty girl telling her dentist "now we're not going to hurt each other, are we doctor??"

Gene Weingarten: That's Gina's favorite joke. But apparently real life is funnier.

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Sunday: Sunday is funniest, because it contains the most irony. Everyone loves Sunday morning, reading the paper, drinking coffee, whatever. Sunday afternoons are often social, relaxing. Then Sunday at 8:00 people hate life, realizing that in 12 short hours they will be in Monday and they didn't get done what they wanted to over the weekend. (I am certain that's why "The Simpsons" are on at that time.) The entire day is afflicted with incongruities, therefore funny.

Gene Weingarten: Well, you could also add that Sunday contains church, which for many people is a dose of guilt, and guilt is funny. So your argument has some merit.

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Show Castro some love: Dave Barry, in "Dave Barry Turns 40," mentions young Republicans who are so conservative they make "William F. Buckley look like Ho Chi Minh."

In this week's BTB, you make the exact same assertion about Scalia, with respect to Thomas. There are plenty of leftists to go around. How did you all settle on Ho Chi Minh as the definitive standard?

washingtonpost.com: All ideas are old. There is a Force, from which people pluck ideas. Everything is recycled. After all, we are breathing nitrogen atoms that had been breathed by Aristotle.

He he he.

Gene Weingarten: Ouch.

I suspect I have inadvertently pirated from Dave several times.

Simple answer: "Ho Chi Minh" is funny sounding. Funnier than Lenin. And Mao was a butcher, even though "Zedong" is funny. So you can't use him. Also, he was so far left he was right.

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Re: Prostitution, huh?: Looks to me like you've misunderstand the person's point. He/she is not blaming the John, but the woman's circumstances, abusive life, etc. and maybe the pimp, but not the John.

Gene Weingarten: Well, my argument was that it is a victimless crime. If the victim is the perp, this is a victimless crime, same as drug abuse. I was not saying drug abuse is GOOD. It is BAD. But it victimizes only yourself.

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Annandale, Va.: Where've you been Gene? Canada's been way hipper than the US for at least 20-30 years. For starters instead of embracing the religously uptight like we did in 1980, they've been continually rejecting religion going back to the Quebec rebellions in the 1960s.

Gene Weingarten: I know. I'm in denial.

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Poop Questi, ON: I always get constipated on vacation. It's like clockwork, so to speak. Is this funny, or merely inconvenient?

Gene Weingarten: I think everyone does. I've never understood this.

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Pearls: Didn't Pastis say that the strip that you and Dan did obviously wasn't his since his endings are usually sedate? Pig screaming out safety warnings with his eyes bugging out hardly is sedate.

Gene Weingarten: You're right. That slime. Pastis, are you out there? Respond, damn you.

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Maryland: Why does your chat start at "noon," but several other chats start at "12"? Is it because noon is a funny word? Is noon a funny word?

Gene Weingarten: Precisely. Noon is a funny word. Though "twelve" is a funnier word.

The Twelve is a beast with a funny caboose

The comes from the land of the great Dr. Seuss.

But as "12" it has no humor.

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Aristocrats: What about the South Park clip? How great are those guys? They are setting the bar really high and I think they mightbe ahead of Family Guy and have completely passed the Simpsons....

Gene Weingarten: The South Park clip was amazing. The only one that actually dared to make reference to 9/11.

I didn't include it because it was the one part of the movie that leaked on the Web, and a lot of people have seen it.

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Washington, D.C.: Is it an incredibly unfortunate coincidence that I keep getting a Verizon ad at the top of the page when I reload? Or is this ad being called forth by the frequency of mentions Verizon is getting in your chat?

Either way, sucks to be them. Or one of their customers.

Gene Weingarten: I think so! Isn't that great? Next week I will propose some company for us all to write vicious things about, and let's see if we get ads for it! Remind me!

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Constipati, ON: People are afflicted with constipation while on vacation because they are so far removed from their normal eating habits. Let's face it, very few people on vacation order the smoked turkey on wheat. You tend to eat worse, it's as simple as that.

Or you become constipated because you just took a double dose of Immodium...

Gene Weingarten: But, wouldn't diarrhea be an equally possible result?

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Washington, D.C.: Not an annoying verizon story but just as good. We sold our condo in DC but haven't moved out or closed yet. The new owners must have called for cable service; yesterday my husband got a call from Comcast telling him that he must have "forgotten" to give them the "courtesy" of a call to tell them that we would be cancelling our service in the near future. He reminded them of all the courtesy Comcast has forgotten to give him over the years.

washingtonpost.com: I'm sorry, but we're only talking trash about Verizon today.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, for example, I got a nasty letter from Comcast this week warning me that my digital service was about to be cancelled because my landlord had refused them access to the property, for upgrades.

When I called them, I was informed this letter was intended only for apartment houses. The letter was quite insulting. No apology.

But, as Lizzie says, this is a verizon-trash chat.

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Washington, D.C.: Prostitution, huh? wasn't blaming the John for the prostitute being what she was, he was blaming society as a whole. We have a bunch of prematurely sexualized little girls (some of whom reach menarche at 8) who are often the children of other prematurely sexualized little girls. From birth, these girls learn that they are nothing but their bodies and that they have no other options than to shake what their mommas gave them. No, you can't blame the John for taking advantage of that, but we have a habit in this country of leaving little ones to their own devices and then wondering why they grow up to be dysfunctional adults.

Poop.

Gene Weingarten: I AGREE! But this is beside the point. We are talking about blaming the consumer for the problem, and I don't go there.

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Radiola, ND: I am listening to talk radio.. a caller just said, "Not to be the dead horse...".. the hosts never even let him get to his point. They brutalized him.

Gene Weingarten: How can you NOT brutalize the guy?

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Telepho, NE: Right now the ads I'm seeing are for Vonage, not Verizon.

BTW, I gave up my landline a couple of years ago because of repair headaches with SBC.

Gene Weingarten: My daughter is 24. She has never HAD a landline. I'm not quite sure why I do. They are going to be as obsolete as the rotary dial.

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Welcome home. Poop: Thought this was the perfect place to put this, after the vacation constipation person.

My cats invariably greet me at the door, race me up the stairs, and then while I'm changing from work to regular clothes, run to their bathroom to take a dump. Every day.

What does this mean?

I call it the welcome home poo.

Gene Weingarten: I can't explain why, but I am laughing.

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Regi, ON: In your analysis, you didn't mention that Friday is actually "Frigg's Day."

Victoria and Gandhi are definitely 1-2 in that question. However, the second funniest region, after SE, is Northwest -- wonder why that is bringing up the rear in the poll.

Gene Weingarten: Hey, what IS Friday? And what is Tuesday? I know Moon Day, Woden's Day, Thors day, Saturn's Day and Sun Day. What are the rest?

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O, Canada!;: Canada has been cool (in many senses) for a long time. Their government is cool enough to fund animation. We can thank them for most of our best comics. Depending on your preferences, William Shatner either adds to or detracts from the wonder of Canada. But Colin Mochrie is a definite plus.

Gene Weingarten: Colin Mochrie: Maybe the best improv comic of the last 20 years.

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Arlington, Va.: I can't believe I'm about to defend Verizon, but here you go.

I used their Web site yesterday to set up new service, and it was super easy, and I even got to pick my new phone number and build my own service package. Maybe I found it so easy because it didn't involve any interaction with an actual Verizon employee.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. This is the only encomium so far. But thank you.

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Alexandria, Va.: I'm 23 and I like my rotary phone. It's like an IQ test for phone use. Or, a cheaper version of a breathalyzer.

Gene Weingarten: What I like about em is that if you are quick and nimble you can make calls by tapping the button, like a telegraph.

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Stephan, Santa Rosa: Today's strip is an homage to Weingarten.

Gene Weingarten: NOT GOOD ENOUGH, SLIMEBALL. You slimed me, and now you have to answer for that.

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Lansing, Mich.: I hate to be all annoyingly superior about it, but no one needs a cell phone or cable. If you get lousy service, drop the service and spend the bucks on something more worthwhile.

(I'm channeling Jef here:)

Like a bicycle.

Gene Weingarten: And, um, exactly how are you connected to the Web, Patty?

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re: Perfume: One time, I cooked a big Sunday breakfest for us. Later, we were cuddling and my husband said "Your hair smells like BACON!;". He said this with such enthusiasm. Good sex, too.

Gene Weingarten: Bacon is good. Under certain cirumstances, almost anything will do.

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Regi, ON again: I wasn't kidding -- Friday is Frigg's day, and Tuesday is for Tiu, the god of war. Check your Webster's New World.

Gene Weingarten: FRIDAY IS FRIGG'S DAY????? WE JUST LEARNED THIS ON THIS CHAT? HOLY CRAP.

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Clifton, Va.: A reform moyle, a conservative moyle and an orthodox moyle walk into a bar...

...and sidle up to the bartender, when the Baptist patron down the counter yells "Hey! You're cutting!!!"

Gene Weingarten: Does anyone have any idea what this is about?

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Washington, DC: Oh, oh, can I trash Comcast very quickly please?

I live in an apartment building. One day I came home from work to discover that, without my authorization, my building let Comcast in to install both internet and cable.

I called Comcast to fix it, and they said because I am not a customer, they legally can't uninstall the stuff they were never supposed to install in the first place.

My apartment building says they are very sorry, but management just changed and they have no idea who let Comcast into my apartment unauthorized.

Direct TV, bless them, have come in twice to fix the problem, but they say that Comcast has somehow damaged the wiring from my apartment to the satellite, and therefore I can no longer receive a satellite signal.

So basically Comcast went in to my apartment and sabotaged my Direct TV.

I'm getting used to the idea of never getting to watch TV in my apartment again.

Gene Weingarten: I'm sorry, but we're not publishing Comcast complaints today.

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Speaking of Bob Saget...: He was on HBO's "Entourage" recently and was talking mostly about banging a hooker (playing himself!;). It was a bit out of context to say the least.

Sorry about Harry. I cried and went home and hugged my pup (who proceeded to act like an irritating maniac and give me perspective).

Gene Weingarten: Okay, well that brings me to the end of the chat. Sorry about what ensues. See you all next week.

Puppies are incomparably cute, and young, strong dogs are incomparably entertaining, but there is something about an old dog that is especially fine. Old dogs are no less thickheaded than young dogs, but this is not a bad thing - after all, it is a dog's relentless stupidity that enables his unquestioning loyalty, and his comical addiction to routine, and his laughably naked emotions - all the things that ultimately make him so endearing. But an old dog has the added benefit of calm; in his insipid way, he has become wise, and settled into his role, and he does this with a certain grace and dignity. It is said that dogs' genius is in their ability to read people - and that's true, except this skill is only really honed quite late, when the dog has fewer outside interests. Only an old dog can really become part of the family.

In recent years I have been working more at home, which means Harry and I shared an otherwise empty house together. Mostly, he slept; mostly I wrote and paced, and my pacing often took me past his lump on the floor. I would always mutter, almost unconsciously, "Hey, Harry," and he would always respond in the same fashion: His body would move not at all, but his tail would thud, exactly once, against the floor. Like a couple of old men, meeting in the park. I didn't really know how important that ritual was, that small, casual acknowledgement, until there was no thud anymore.

A few weeks ago, on a walk, Harry was half-lame, as he had been for more than a year. These walks were usually plods, head-forward, businesslike, purposeful, with stops only to smell intriguingly urine-scented leaves. But this time, he actually stopped and sat down on the edge of a small park. He was watching a man throw a Frisbee to his dog, a young yellow Lab who kept catching it in the air and proudly prancing back, for another throw. This was Harry, watching himself, at his prime, eight years before. I looked at Harry's face, and if there was wistfulness in it, it was beyond my capacity to read. He just looked calm, and happy. Old Harry sat there for more than ten minutes, then painfully pulled himself up, and trotted back to the house, with a lighter spring in his step.

Old dogs can do that to you. They can surprise you, with what seems to be a sudden intuition, or complexity of emotion, or an understanding of something beyond what seems possible. Maybe you're reading that stuff into them. That's probably what it is. But the fact is that after Harry's hind legs finally completely gave out on him last week - when he could no longer walk or even stand, and my wife and I brought him to the vet for his shot of poison - he did something unusual. For four days afterwards, my wife did not mention it to me, nor I to her, because we had dealt with enough emotion and didn't really want to say it aloud. But the fact is that as he lay on the gurney, and the vet began to push the plunger on the syringe, Harry lifted his head up and kissed us goodbye.

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UPDATED 8.17.05

Gene Weingarten: Here's the best mohel joke submitted. Jim Ward discloses, honorably, that it is a variation on an old joke, but if so, it's one I've never heard.

A orthodox, conservative, and a reform mohel walk into a bar. The bartender says "Mohelim, eh? Tell you what, I'll give a free beer to the guy who can correctly identify the most famous person that's ever been circumcised."

"Abraham!" cries the orthodox mohel.

"Einstein!" cries the conservative mohel.

"Jesus!" cries the reform mohel.

The bartender smiles and starts pouring the beer for the last guy. The orthodox and conservative mohels glare at the reform mohel, who says sotto voce, "Look, you know and I know that it's either Abraham or Einstein, but dammit, a free beer is a free beer!"

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Hammet, UP: The dork dead detective was Miles Archer. Floyd Thursby was the bad guy with Brigit Shaunessy who was killed off-stage (and never actually appeared on-stage or on page, so we don't really know if he was dorky or not).

 However, he carried a wonderfully dorky-sounding gun: a Webley.

Gene Weingarten: Right, right. My bad.

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Stanton Park, Washington, D.C.: Dammit Gene, for the second week in a row, you have made me cry at work!

Last week, I had to e-mail my wife immediately after reading your story about Harry's last manifestation of eccentricity. You see, our dog Cheaney reacted exactly the same way to a spent smoke alarm battery in the middle of the night -- panting, pacing, moaning, etc. -- she was a wreck, as were we! I was laughing so hard until I reached the end...and then I just cried.

My wife mentioned that she had recently seen -- near Lincoln Park -- a young guy helping along a dog whose legs didn't seem to be in that great of shape. She wondered whether she had seen Harry Truman himself on one of his last walks...

Gene Weingarten: Well, if the dog was a yellow lab gone white in the face, and if the guy looked vaguely like Harry Potter, that was probably Harry and Dan.

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New York, N.Y.: Gene, can you please explain the August 13th Brevity. 

Gene Weingarten: Wow. Well, I have to say that the top panel, alone, makes sense. But why the Ta-DAAH, and why the snake?

Can anyone explain this? Guy? Rodd? Are you out there?

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UPDATED 8.18.05

All dogs go to. . . somewhere cool: Did you have a memorial service for Harry Truman?

Gene Weingarten: No, and we didn't bury him or cremate him or anything. Mostly, we are not big on ceremony, and don't much regard a body sans consciousness as meaning all that much. The only reason I care about the disposition of my body is that I want to be in Congressional Cemetery, with all the dogs milling about, and my chosen fireplug-shaped tombstone.

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Silver Spring, Md.: "How Do You Sleep?" by John Lennon

So Sgt. Pepper took you by surprise
You better see right through that mother's eyes
Those freaks was right when they said you was dead
The one mistake you made was in your head
Ah, how do you sleep?
Ah, how do you sleep at night?
You live with straights who tell you you was king
Jump when your momma tell you anything
The only thing you done was yesterday
And since you're gone you're just another day
Ah, how do you sleep?
Ah, how do you sleep at night?
Ah, how do you sleep?
Ah, how do you sleep at night?
A pretty face may last a year or two
But pretty soon they'll see what you can do
The sound you make is muzak to my ears
You must have learned something in all those years
Ah, how do you sleep?
Ah, how do you sleep at night?

Gene Weingarten: Thanks. Yep, quite deliciously vicious.

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Wooster Sauce: There's a school of thought -- and a large one at that -- which maintains that it's pronounced Wooster sauce (like Bertie Wooster).

Gene Weingarten: No, it is clearly "Wooster-sheer." This does, however, remind me of the joke whose punchline is "Niffles."

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Europen style eating, redoux: So I'm Brit and eat that way. What makes me chuckle is seeing Americans saw away, with great verve, with a fork ... at pieces of food that clearly are asking for a knife (or perhaps a scalpel). Who needs to go to the gym after that! Mind you, if I had to go through palaver of changing hands, picking up my knife, cutting, putting down my knife, changing hands - every time I wanted to cut a piece of food -- I might not bother either. Either that or give my my membership in the aformentioned gym.

Gene Weingarten: There is something deeply disturbing about someone from England -- where meat is traditionally overcooked into something resembling a tectonic plate -- commenting about Americans "sawing away" at our meat.

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UPDATED 8.19.05

Baltimore, Md.: 286 NYS 118, a dentist gave anesthesia to a patient, who, while in the "excited stage," grabbed the dentist by his balls. In applying the force necessary to escape, the dentist broke the patient's finger. Patient sued, and won.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this is the best summary.

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More Aristocrats: What did you think of the poor "roo-roo" derivative in the movie? I must say it is not nearly as funny as the original.

Gene Weingarten: It was a weak cop-out by Martin Mull. He either didn't know, or didn't want to tell, a version of the Aristocrats joke, so he adapted the roo roo joke to fit. He did tell it rather well, though. Mull was one of the copouts.

Gene Weingarten: Oddly enough, Andy Dick was another copout.

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CPoW: The strip was notable, but mainly because Susan was obviously nekkid.

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes. Actually, my son noticed this. She has visible nipples. It's kind of stunning.

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Silver Spring, Md.: The Washington Post prevents it's employees from signing any political or quasi-political petitions and yet endorses candidates for political office? I think me smells a rat.

Gene Weingarten: Nah. The prohibition affects members of the newsroom, people who presumably are neutral and must remain so. There is a genuine wall between the news side and the editorial side.

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UPDATED 8.22.05

Gene Weingarten: So, I finally heard from Guy and Rodd, explaining the Adam and Eve joked linked to in Wednesday's update. You ready?

Guy, who writes the strip, came up with the idea, and Rodd, who draws it, thought it was a corny joke. So he added a corny rimshot panel.

The only problem with this, as we all see, is that it is NOT a corny rimshot-worthy joke. It is in fact a rather GOOD joke. So the second panel is indecipherable.

Also, the snake, emerging from the bushes looking dazed but happy, seemed to suggest something untoward, as several of you suggested.

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