Chatological Humor* (Updated 8.26.05)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

Daily Updates: 8.24.05 | Special Candorville Update | 8.25.05 | 8.26.05

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in The Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything.

 This week's poll .

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Today, I begin with a comics challenge. Linked to HERE is today's Frazz, which I and a few of you found to be a complete head-scratcher, though somehow an intriguing head-scratcher. I contacted Jef Mallett, who explained it. What followed was the virtual equivalent of a long, pregnant pause, after which Jef acknowledged, as he put it, he may have "overworked that one."

I'm still laughing at the complexity of his explanation, and so I am going to make the following offer. To the first person who can correctly explain what Jef meant (No, Patty, you are not eligible) I will send a genuine replica of the St. Louis arch made from the actual cable material from the St. Louis arch elevator! This is a $75 item I purchased for a story I never wrote. It has been in my basement for years, and my wife hates it, so you know it is Special.

Important news from readers:

Sarah Nichols reports that she recently attended a lecture on Atomic Theory (specifically Bose-Einstein Condensates), given by a professor named Atom Zhorayi Muradyan. And,

Ellen Goodman reports seeing this in Reader's Digest:

A woman was reading the newspaper and the headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "how many is a Brazilian?"

Also, Justin Perras found this in the New York Daily News:

Linda Lay, 31, of Flushing, Queens, and her partner, Siatha Lai, 39, of Elmhurst, Queens, were charged with prostitution after the raid of a Hicksville massage parlor called Acupuncture and Herbal Health.

Today's poll is challenging and fun, if a little effete. Since we are dealing with literature here, and not humor, I claim no infallibility; midway through the chat I will disclose my answers, and the "correct" answers -- that is, the way the original passages were published. You will find some surprises, I think. I did. And stop complaining about how long it is taking to read these things. When I do comics-based polls, you object. When I do stupid polls, like asking what your favorite color is, you object. And now here we have a classy David-Von-Drehle-type poll, and you object. What will it take to satisfy you?

By the way, has anyone seen "Broken Flowers?" Is anyone ready to accept that all the film critics are wrong? I am. I am just not that interested in Bill Murray's expressionless face, rapturously dwelt on by a director who clearly is in love with him, moving through scene after scene in which nothing happens, a conceit for which one is supposed to feel grateful, as though by specializing in lack of resolution, the director is treating you like an adult. (As opposed to seriously mocking you for your willingness to endure torpor, and call it art.) But maybe that's just me. Perhaps we can ask C'woman for her thoughts on this one, being as how she would happily consume a soup made from the sweatband from Bill Murray's brow.

A good comics week. The CPOW is a shocker: A double entry of "Garfield" from Tuesday and Friday . The first Runner Up is Friday's Rhymes With Orange , and a host of neat honorables, including Sunday's Sherman's Lagoon , Sunday's Rhymes with Orange , Friday's FBFW (which is, I think, acknowledging the preposterousness of the storyline) and, lastly, today's Zippy , which is a funny homage to the great Ernie Bushmiller. Does anyone get the inside joke?

Okay, let's go.

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Gainesville, Va.: Regarding your comments about Canada being hipper than the U.S. last week, I often wonder why more American liberals like yourself (and the vast majority of your readers) don't move there.

I'm not asking this to be flip or snide (unlike the Alex Baldwins of the world who routinely make such "threats" whenever Republicans win the White House, then never seem to follow up) -- I'm genuinely curious about why more of you don't migrate to a place that seems to be much more in line with your values, views and lifestyle choices than is the case here in the U.S. Conservatives don't really have that option -- there's no place that comes as close to their "ideal" as the U.S., even when the Dems are in charge -- but liberals do. A place like Toronto would seem to offer everything you would want -- national health care, multiculturalism, gay marriage, pro baseball, public transit, proximity to family in the eastern U.S., higher and more progressive taxes, cheaper pharmaceuticals, strong opposition to the Bush foreign policy, and now the right to use the F-word in print. All this, for just a few extra days of snow and cold each year. Other than the usual reasons that we all have for living in our less-than-favorite place (such as a specific job we enjoy), what's keeping you all south of the St. Lawrence?

Gene Weingarten: This is a good question, and it's one I've thought about as the United States seems to be moving toward a conservative theocracy. And I really like Toronto. And Montreal. But:

1. One doesn't lightly jettison one's citizenship, particularly citizenship in this great country. Moreover, politics are cyclical. I believe in Americans; I believe we are on the verge of a backlash to this nonsense.

2. For a humor writer, the United States, right now, is a goldmine. Hypocrisy is funny. I suspect I would not find myself with as much to say in Canada.

I'm not sure what I would do if this president, for example, instituted a draft to support this war. And my kids were in jeopardy. They are adults, but I might well move to Canada in support of their decision. Dunno. Don't think it will happen.

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Oh, Canada: Favorite Canadian joke:

The tragedy of Canada is that it could have had French cuisine, American technology and British culture. Instead, it wound up with British cuisine, French technology and American culture.

Gene Weingarten: And here's another reason.

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Princess Ragnhild Coast, Anarctica: Sorry I'm a little behind the times with this, but you noted your hatred of the film Independence Day a few weeks back. I saw the movie while working as a camp counselor in the summer of 1996. Several of my fellow counselors and I felt the need to write down what we felt were the major problems with the film. We filled four pages; here are the more obvious examples. Screenwriters beware.

- We cannot make Macs compatible with Windows, yet in a few hours we can write a computer virus that paralyzes an entire alien army (conceivably one with intelligence - and firewalls - far greater than ours)

- We can cripple the aforementioned alien army, yet our best (surviving) doctors are unable to stop the First Lady's internal bleeding

- Speaking of the First Lady's injuries, what happened to the helicopter she was in when she crashed?

- Jeff Goldblum's character seems to have a CD-ROM with every phone number in the country. Boy, that's pretty sweet.

- The Empire State Building is apparently right in the middle of the street, based on the perspective shot when it's destroyed

- The President's helicopter makes it from the White House to Dulles (or, even more unrealistically, Andrews AFB) in less than five minutes (with time left over to board Air Force One AND take off)

- If the ship at Area 51 had a force field around it, how did Jeff Goldblum put a coke can on it?

- Flying a crop duster is apparently EXACTLY the same as flying an F-18. And here we think Air Force pilots are so skilled.

- The President not only knows how to fly an F-18, he somehow manages to fire five missiles from a plane that's only carrying four. You go, Mr. President!;

- What happened to the "hundreds" of smaller alien ships after the big ones crashed?

- As the world celebrates following the destruction of the aliens, it's apparently daytime EVERYWHERE.

- And finally the most obvious: if a math genius working for a cable television company can tell the President with EXACT precision when the alien invasion is going to begin, why can't they tell me with the same precision what time they're going to show up to fix my damn cable?

Gene Weingarten: Hell, this is just the BEGINNING of the problem.

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Hairy Bac, KY: Will you be entering the " Hairiest Back in the Ballpark " contest at the Potomac Nationals game in Woodbridge, Va., on Thursday, August 25th? Based on the thickness of your moustache, I's bet you have a very hairy back.

Gene Weingarten: Wrong. As bald as a baby's butt.

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REAL Poetry (the poll sucks!;): A gay young lad from Khartoum

Took a lesbian lass to his room

They stayed up all night

Arguing who had the right

To do what and to where and to whom

Gene Weingarten: I always liked this one.

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Free Vice: There's a missing option on each of the poll questions:

e. Poetry, but it should be illegal.

Seriously, some of these passages are war crimes.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, I disagree. I think they are all fine.

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Endless Bureaucracy, USA: I like submitting questions like this because you are the only journalist serious enough to address the critical questions that supposedly serious journalists shy away from: I am involved in government. In part of the job of our government, we buy voting machines. We have been informed that the Federal government will soon certify the companies from which we will be required to buy our machines. Yet, we will not be able to test if the machines are programmed properly, because that legally is proprietary information and we are not allowed to see it. Excuse me? We have to buy a product from a list you give us, but we're not allow to test if the products work, and we have to take the word of the people selling them to us that they work? Look, maybe this is all well-meaning and there is no problem anywhere, but has anyone considered how this all looks? If you think the bloggers had who a field day with the past two Presidential elections were loud, wait until the next election. It will be decided by machines that are secretly programmed by companies whose leaders contribute to campaign committess of government officials, which is perfectly legal and perhaps not a problem. Is it me, or I am the only person who sees that any such future problem would go away if they would just allow an independent certification from someone we buyers trust that these voting machines work properly before we are forced to buy them?

Gene Weingarten: I am posting this because -- though anonymous and of dubious authenticity -- it will now enter the blogosphere, where it will take on a life of its own. It will become The Downing Street Memo. It will be cited on lefty radio, and defended on righty radio. The original claims will be exaggerated. The machines will become Republican-programmed machines. It will become evidence of a Matrix controlling our thoughts.

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Debussy Fields, Va.: Gene, You are both the chronicler and arbiter of bathroom behavior, as evidenced by your life's work, including such articles as the one about foot-flushers. Here's another bathroom behavior I'd like your opinion on.

My husband is about your age. It's our second marriage and we've been married nearly five years now. We're quite happy together but there are some problems. Here's one: We have a lovely master bathroom with two sinks, one for me and one for him. Despite the fact that we each have a very nice plastic tumbler, when he needs to have some water to swallow pills or rinse after brushing his teeth, he refuses to use the tumbler. Rather, he bends over and drinks from the faucet. It drives me crazy! It's gross, immature -- he's your age -- and I'm also afraid he's going to injure himself.

He will occasionally do this in the kitchen, but only when he thinks nobody is watching.

He claims he's always done this and that it is nothing to worry about. He says it's not like our dog drinking out of the toilet and that his mouth never actually touches the faucet.

Have you ever heard of this type of behavior? Should I be worried about this man?

Gene Weingarten: I practice this behavior, and why on Earth do you find it weird? This is not like pissing in the sink. Which I do not do.

(I was discussing this sink-peeing practice with another guy recently, and we decided this would be familiar only to male persons who, at some point in their lives, frequently got drunk. Though we decided that if we ever ran across a woman who had ever peed in the sink we would marry her immediately.)

Also, this raises the issue of peeing into beer cans. There is real danger in this, a real risk that occurs, particularly when one is really drunk -- a risk of a horrifying accident due to an impairment of memory -- and if you do not know what I am talking about, you have never really been male and drunk on beer and watching an important sporting event on TV.

Hey, what about WOMEN peeing into beer cans? Same marital proposal, I think.

It does remind me of something, though: Has anyone heard that drinking out of a garden hose is dangerous? Asbestos, or something?

Oh, and remind me. What was your question, again?

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Swi, NE: Gene,

I'm an editor for a mid-size newspaper on the East Coast. I don't read the comics on a regular basis, and had never heard of "Pearls Before Swine" until you mentioned it in this chat.

I mentioned it to my boss, and to make a long story short, we will shortly begin running the strip.

So shouldn't you get some kind of commission from Pastis?

Gene Weingarten: Cool. Now chat up Frazz.

I will never get nothing from Pastis. Pastis is a "user." Sure, he haunts these chats, but the minute the number of our eyeballs start to drop, he's out of here and on to something more useful to himself, like Achenblog. Pastis is Rat.

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Re: Brevity: Just a guess, but isn't the implication here that they've finished up a comedy routine and everyone's come back onstage for a final bow? The snake was of course there earlier for the business with the fruit...

As for the real question, why have the panel at all, perhaps Guy and Rodd felt it was necessary to emphasize to the more hypersensitive that it was just a joke.

This brings up a theological question, though -- could there have been humor before there was sin? (Well, if the snake's already done the apple bit, there is sin, but...) I will submit that there may have been weak humor like lame puns -- I'll bet Adam was just funning when he named some of the animals -- but there couldn't have been anything really funny until there was sin and death -- I mean, just check out the joke in the first panel!

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I wrote in the update last week that I had finally heard from Guy and Rodd. Basically, it was the result of a joke between them. Guy came up with the joke, and Rodd thought it was corny, so he drew it, but added a rimshot.

I didn't think it worked because the joke WASN'T corny. Also, the snake had this dazed and satisfied look on his face, as though he had been down in the bushes near Eve, up to something kinky. So it was misleading.

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Trau, MA: I took the guy I've been dating to see the Aristocrats last night, and he found it really funny, so he passed the test. Later in the night, my mind wandered back to the movie to the scene where Gilbert Godfried first tells the joke at the roast. I never EVER thought that I'd be thinking about Gilbert Godfried while in bed with another man.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahaha.

Yes, Gilbert may be the least sexy guy on Earth. Any other nominations? Women and gay men only, please.

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Washington, D.C.: I saw The Aristocrats last night and loved it. I did come away with a question, though. Why didn't more comics go another offensive route- i.e. race and 9/11 and such? I know some touched on this, but most of the jokes had the same main ingredients.

Gene Weingarten: I had the same thought. Or religion. There were a couple of fabulous race jokes -- the sophisticated black women, for example, and the stunningly horrifying final suggestion by one of the Onion staff...

But basically, no. I think it is because they were staying with the original premise, which, of course, is against the spirit of The Aristocrats joke, where anything goes.

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Vienna, Va.: Frazz --

He swallowed a bug.

Gene Weingarten: No.

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SiLvEr SpRiNg, MD: On Frazz: this one confused me at first, but I think I get it now. Maybe. The communities are named after things they've destroyed (trees, horses, etc.). They're all very ironic names, since there are no horses or trees in any of these commmunities. Frazz is referring to the developers when he says "just people trying to make an honest living." They're not making an honest living -- these developers are destroying the environment.

Gene Weingarten: But what about the punchline?

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re: Zippy: The Zippy cartoon is an offhand tribute to Bushmiller's habit of using three rocks as background detail in many of his strips. Not two rocks and not four. Always three, huddled together. Thus, the repetition of "three" in the dialogue and the "rocks" in the title.

Gene Weingarten: Correct. And the three scoops of stuff.

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FOB Kalsu, Iraq: Re: Leaving the country

Warning: Be careful what you say.

Yeah, I was one of the people who said if Bush was re-elected I'd leave the country. Now look at me... I'm in Iraq!

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now, that's dark humor.

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Frazz Explained: Ok, so obviously Frazz was trying out the defense to see if he could buy it. And obviously he doesn't buy it. The only thing negative that I can think would leave a fresh, minty taste in your mouth is a urinal cake. Which would be too bizarre.

Gene Weingarten: I like the urinal cake explanation, but no.

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Weird image: Is it just me, or does panel one of Monday's "Candorville" depict a jumbo jet (Air Force Two, even) flying over the World Trade Center?

I don't see how this could be unintentional, yet it makes no sense in the context of what appears to be a set-up to a week of jokes about college basketball recruiting.

Please discuss.

washingtonpost.com: Candorville , ( Aug. 22 )

Gene Weingarten: He's done this before! I think it is homage. Remember, that Candorville is a place that doesn't exist, so anything is possible, including no 9/11.

Chatwoman, can we link to the C'ville of June 19, where it is even clearer?

washingtonpost.com: Candorville , ( June 19 )

UPDATE: 8.24.05

Gene Weingarten: Just heard back from Darrin:

That part of the Candorville skyline is inspired by the WTC, but it's not the WTC. One of the buildings is about 300-400 feet shorter than the other. Also, the skyline includes buildings inspired by landmarks from other cities (in that particular strip, you can see a rif on San Francisco's Transamerica Pyramid), and I often include a building inspired by LA's Library Tower.

And to answer the other Candorville question from yesterday's chat: I definitely did not draw nipples on Susan in that strip. I drew them on Lemont.

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Challenge: Frazz is trying out what the developers do -- saying something totally disingenuous. He ends up with the taste of hypocrisy in his mouth.

Gene Weingarten: This is the first correct answer, and the winner of the cable. Give your name to Lizzie. The next poster wins nothing, though he or she explains it more elegantly.

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Frazzsplanation: This is probably not complicated enough to be correct... The first two frames obviously just establish a criticism of PR: Basically, PR people are big liars. Having destroyed something that was once there, the PR folks turn around and unironically name the replacement phenomenon after that which they (or their clients) destroyed.

Then in the third panel, Frazz attempts to defend the PR folks by saying they're making an "honest living." But this is quite ironic, because the PR practice is the opposite of honest.

Then in the fourth panel, the girl calls Frazz on this, noting that he's replicated the sin of the PR people: by saying it's an honest living, he's providing dishonest PR for PR. Thus, he had to destroy honesty to defend PR, which he then called honest.

Frazz responds by just going into a PR-like "opposite world" and saying that the bad taste in his mouth is minty.

Gene Weingarten: This is it.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Rhymes with Orange links don't work, as usual.

washingtonpost.com: Blame them, not me. Just go here and navigate back to the dates in question.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Cran, KY: Yeah, I'm cranky. You wanna make something of it? It's a barrel of laughs turning into a high-yield hydroponic zit farm once a month. I'll bet that if men's testicles swelled and were tender for 3 to 10 days a month, men'd be cranky, too (although I don't believe for a moment that many men would grant even the possiblity that our swollen bra-bound breasts could be as uncomfortable as their tender "boys," because men's pain is always so much worse than women's).

So, if you value that hand, which I'm sure you do, since it's your date next Saturday, put down my chocolate and slowly back away.

Gene Weingarten: Yesm.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Here's one for animal lovers and a question for Pat the Perfect. A journal has a policy to be respectful of nonhuman animals and always prefaces the first use of "animal" or "animals" with "nonhuman." This lead to this title which I find hysterical: "Dispostion of Shelter Companion Animals from Nonhuman Animal Control Officers, Citizen Finders, and Relinquised by Owners." The journal printed an apology saying they apoligized for the ambituity. " 'Nonhuman' was intended, of course, to modify 'Animal,' not 'Control Officers.' " My question for Pat is how the heck do you place the adjective "nonhuman" with Animal Control Officers to indicate it modifies "animal" and not "animal control officers?"

Gene Weingarten: I would say the problem here is in the precious "nonhuman animal" convention. But if you around, Patricia, have at this.

On an unrelated word issue I love the concept of "running a little behind." It sort of explains the purpose of jogging, no?

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Philadelphia, Pa.: My gay friends tell me that Marilyn Monroe is considered a gay icon. I think that is fine, but I am confused. What part of Marilyn Monroe makes her the epitomy of male homosexuality?

Gene Weingarten: I was just discussing this, with someone! I think it is how larger-than-life she became. And so styled. It's almost a joke on life, which seems to characterize much gay humor.

Am I right, gayguys?

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Sa, GA: I don't know if you noticed this, but in Sunday's "Blondie," Garfield talks. Borrowing characters is fine if you've got permission, but jeez, at least be true to the characters!

And isn't there a rule that comics must be canceled when only 5 percent of the population was alive when the strip began?

washingtonpost.com: Blondie , ( Aug. 21 )

Gene Weingarten: I did notice this, and it was weird.

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Lennon/McCartney: You know, I always recognized that John and Paul were gifted songwriters that transformed music. And, I always thought that they shared equally in their gift. But, after reading the lyrics to "How Do You Sleep" I started to realize that, after the Beatles broke up, John was the one to go on and create some really inovative music... Paul just went on to write a bunch of real crap! Whoa! This is blowing me away! I mean, George was writing much better post-Beatle stuff than Paul... WAY better! Am I forgetting any post-Beatle McCartney classics? Can someone name ONE? Anyone?

Gene Weingarten: McCartney was the hummable tunemeister. That is all he ever was -- plus a superior voice. Both were vital to the genius of The Beatles. But left to be his own songwriter, he was ridiculous.

Anyone disagree?

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Least sexy man in the world: Has gotta be Ron Jeremy. The man is butt ugly and a hairy disgusting monster. I know he's probably had more sex than 99.9 percent of the other men in the world, but that's only because of his -- shall we say -- tool.

Gene Weingarten: But, but ... all guys know that size doesn't matter.

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Lexington Park, Md.: Can I be a dork for a minute here. From the person who wrote complaining about Independence Day, the F/A-18 is a Navy fighter. It is extremely easy to fly as it is mainly controlled by computers with the pilot monitoring the systems. A crop duster is much more difficult to fly.

I shall now return to my lunchtime roo-roo.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Really? Okay. But would a crop duster guy have any idea how to work the 'puters?

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Re: Wierd Image: I think the World Trade Center thing is stretching it a bit - plus you can't take the word of someone who thinks that Clyde's being recruited for basketball when that's a military recruiter talking to him.

Gene Weingarten: It's CLEARLY the WTC, no? With one of the towers containing an antenna, and everything?

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Atlanta, Ga.: And then you have prose poetry. I thought a few of the phrases in the examples were trite, i.e., "blood run cold" "life as a game." "Dissipate into thin air" is redundant. However, I only got six "correct."

Definition:

Prose poetry

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Prose poetry is prose that breaks some of the normal rules of prose discourse for heightened imagery or emotional effect.

As a specific poetic form, prose poetry originated in the 19th century in France. French prose was governed by laws so strict that by breaking them, it was possible to create prose that was seen to be intended as poetry. Poets such as Aloysius Bertrand, Charles Baudelaire, Arthur Rimbaud, and Stephane MallarmCåre among the founders of the form.

It used to be said that prose poetry was impossible in English, because the English language was not so strictly governed by rules as the French was. In the twentieth century, when English prose has become more and more governed by the iron laws of Strunk and White, this may no longer be the case. Rapturous, rhythmical, and image-laden prose from previous centuries, such as is found in Jeremy Taylor or Thomas de Quincey, strikes 21st century readers as having something of a poetic quality. Much contemporary poetry is written in free verse, and the difference between much free verse and prose poetry may be more in the typography than in the content.

A famous example of prose poetry in English are the archy and mehitabel stories of Don Marquis, published in the New York Tribune in the early 20th century.

Gene Weingarten: Interesting, and interesting example. Remember, though, that Archy and Mehitabel stories were purportedly written by a cockroach, jumping key to key. It was almost a JOKE about free verse.

It's also one of the quoted poems. The answers follow.

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Gene Weingarten: On the poll:

The only one I thought benefited from being treated like poetry was the one you all were sure was prose. That's the first, (Aunt Imogen). I confess I might have been influenced by recognizing it as Edwin Arlington Robinson. I guessed the third (a red squaw) was written as poetry, even though I felt it was far better as prose, and it turns out that I was half right. I was criticizing - and re-editing -- the poetry of Mr. Walt Whitman. I also recognized #5 as almost certainly ee cummings, but I felt it was better as prose. Still do. I also sort of guessed the writer of the last one, because I had read it long ago (Actually, I guessed Twain or Jerome or Benchley.) Oh, I also confidently stated that number nine, ("A Sentimental Journey") was written by a woman. Tragically, it wasn't.

Here is the list of actual writers, and their work:

1) Poetry, Aunt Imogen, 88-91, E.A. Robinson

> 2) Prose, Babylon Revisited, F. Scott Fitzgerald

> 3) Poetry, The Sleepers, 102-105, Walt Whitman

> 4) Prose, A Bundle Of Letters, V. From Miranda Hope to Her Mother,

> Henry James.

> 5) Poetry, My Sweet Old Etcetera, 3-12, e.e. cummings

> 6) Prose, Zuleika Dobson, Chapter 12, Max Beerbohm

> 7) Prose, The Selfish Giant, Oscar Wilde

> 8) Poetry, archy is shocked, Don Marquis

> 9) Prose, A Sentimental Journey Through France And Italy, Chapter 1,

> Lawrence Sterne

> 10)Prose, Three Men In A Boat, Chapter 6, Jerome K. Jerome

This was an excellent test, and my I see from the results that you did roughly as well as I did, and were not at all fooled by Walt, as I was. I correctly identified how 8 of the ten were actually written, and I suppose I must admit to error with Whitman in terms of how they SHOULD be written. I think it is interesting that you were completely evenly divided - and quite certain -- as to whether Max Beerbohm's piece was poetry or prose. A testament to the beauty of his writing, no?

I still contend that free verse, usually, is just prose, presented in a too-precious style.

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Marry ME: I meet one of your criteria for marriage, but we cannot be together because we are both pledged to others, alas.

I won't tell you which criteria I meet because I am a tease.

I heart u.

Gene Weingarten: It doesn't matter. They are both worthy. Well, we'll always have this chat.

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Rexburg, Idaho: Like many people who read your column, I don't understand why Hiroshima can stay the same way it was, but not the Depression. Is it because of the saddness of the event, or becuase Hiroshima was already explosive?

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Past Perfect , ( Post Magazine, Aug. 21 )

Gene Weingarten: It's because Hiroshima, basically, was a giant explosion; easy to explain and childishly exciting. Anyone else have a problem with this?

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State of Amusement: Are you aware that this chat -- or at any rate, last week's edition -- is re-"printed" online in the National News-Health section of the Manchester, Conn. Journal Inquirer?

washingtonpost.com: How bizarre. I'm looking into how this happened.

Gene Weingarten: Holy crap.

Is there anyone to sue? Is there anything in it for me?

washingtonpost.com: No. This was a mistake. Your chat was accidentally assigned to our TechNews page, which is syndicated. Since we haven't heard anything from subscribers, I'm guessing they viewed the addition as an unexpected bonus.

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At loose ends: I used teh phrase "At loose ends" in conversation last week. My coworker had never heard it before. A poll of my office came up with no one else being familiar with the phrase either. Have you heard it? Any other funny/odd yet legitimate phrases I should use to confuse my coworkers?

Gene Weingarten: I guess I am old: This is very familiar to me. When one is at loose ends it means to feel oddly useless or purposeless: When you have time, but nothing much to do with it. But I don't know the derivation and couldn't find it with a quick search.

"Tying up loose ends" is a nautical term though. Getting all those flapping ropes from riggings tied down. Something to do when you've nothing else more important to do.

I suppose, then, being at loose ends might mean that you are at the point where there is nothing much to do, so you just sort of wander around tying loose ends?

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Virginville, PA: I just finished reading Freakonomics ; have you read it yet? You'd appreciate the last essay on baby naming. From the authors: "Where on earth did Madison come from?" Also interesting: your daugher has the statistically "whitest" name for a girl.

Gene Weingarten: Haven't read it. And if they don't know where Madison came from, they haven't done their homework.

I know two black Mollys.

Hey, I think a black molly is a tropical fish. The funniest part of having tropical fish are the suckerfaced poop eaters you have to have. They look very serious about their occupation. In a way, of course, we are all suckerfaced poop eaters.

This is becoming the free association chat.

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Lansing, Mich.: Do I get extra credit for looking at Frazz in the Freep this morning and telling Jef that I thought, in retrospect, that it would have been better without the final punchline?

Gene Weingarten: I didn't look at it as a comics editor, actually. I don't think I would have jettisoned the punchline, which is funny. I would have tried to explain it better, somehow. though I'm not sure how.

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Least Sexy: Ben Stein

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. Good.

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Defense of Paul McCartney: "Live and Let Die" doesn't suck. Beyond that, though...

Gene Weingarten: IN THIS EVER CHANGING WORLD IN WHICH WE LIVE IN?

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yougottabekidding, ME: Size doesn't matter?!;?!; That was the funniest thing in the chat so far!;

Gene Weingarten: I just knew some insensitive chick was gonna weigh in on this one. Think of our feelings, lady.

Hm. I guess you ARE thinking of our feelings.

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Least sexy man: I have to submit Walter Mathau. Brilliant actor, but YIKES!;

Coming in a close second is Nicholas Cage, who isn't even a good actor, and exceedingly unattractive, to boot.

Gene Weingarten: Nick Cage is not sexy?

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Re: after the Beatles: Neither Lennon nor McCartney were as good after the Beatles, because together they filled in each other's weak spots. Lennon was an experimenter and McCartney was a sentimentalist, and when they went their separate ways, these traits overwhelmed their later music. McCartney sank into drivel with Wings, and Lennon produced avant-garde chanting ("Instant Karma") and unlistenable noise ("Mother").

Ironically, Lennon's biggest solo success was "Double Fantasy", wherein several years of domesticity had turned him into ... Paul McCartney.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, exactly.

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McCartney Solo Greats: "Maybe I'm Amazed" is a great love song.

OK, fire when ready....

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Yes. I agree, I think.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Gene, Aunt Imogen is blank verse (non-rhyming), it is not free verse (non-metered). It scans iambic pentameter.

Gene Weingarten: True nuf. I think that is why I knew it was poetry, subliminally.

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Put a cap in vous: Gene, just a moment of shameless adulation. Your "Frenchie" rhyme from Sunday's essay was outstanding. My boyfriend and I laughed a solid two minutes before chanting it out loud to each other. In addition to its solid rhythm and feel, it confirms how damn clever you are. Thanks for starting my Sunday out right.

Gene Weingarten: Thanks, ma.

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Helena, Mont.: Re: drinking out of garden hoses potentially dangerous -- it has something to do with the recycled rubber that some are made out of being loaded with chemicals.

Gene Weingarten: Several people have noted this, yes.

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Olney, Maryland: You wrote -"I believe in Americans; I believe we are on the verge of a backlash to this nonsense."

Let me be the first to suggest it -- Weingarten '08. You've already drafted the perect campaign slogan for our time, so why not?

Gene Weingarten: Sadly, I couldn't take the scrutiny.

"So, Mr. Weingarten, when you injected a so-called speedball, was it heroin and angel dust, or the more traditional heroin and cocaine combination...?"

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Poetry Slamm,IN': The poll: I tried to answer but couldnt'. I gave up. Who can

tell?

Our office manager puts a hard return at the end of each

sentence in her emails and it doesn't matter whether she's

telling us that someone left his car lights on or that we

should keep the refrigerator clean: it ALWAYS reads like

poetry just because it looks like poetry.

Gene Weingarten: well, right, that is

sort of

my

point.

What could be

more

pretent

ious than this sort of

Thing?

There's a reason most great poetry rhymes. Rhyming is hard to do, and pleases the same intuitive part of the brain that is pleased by music. It is elegant, when done well.

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BCFun, NY?: Hi, Gene,

Hoping you can settle a humor argument between my wife and me. Regarding Saturday's "B.C." (Pegleg rewriting Hickory Dickory Dock): I found the strip uncharacteristically (mildly) amusing, by twisting a standard convention, akin to the "Guy walks into a bar. It hurt a lot." joke.

My lovely, talented, and in all other matters brilliant wife says Walker blew the joke by only half-completing the pair of couplets. That is, the joke would have succeeded better (comparatively), had Walker made the final panel rhyme, or, conversely, removed the second panel's rhyme entirely.

We both agree this particular "B.C." is no "Far Side," but when compared to ants and clams talking about Christ, it was Bill Waterson calibur. But would the humor have been improved with the addition of a second rhyme, the subtraction of the first, or is it as good as it could be by just leaving it alone?

washingtonpost.com: B.C. , ( Aug. 20 )

Gene Weingarten: Well, if you read the fine print with this one, he is thanking someone who told it to him in his youth. To me, it is an old joke, and no so funny at all.

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Why the critics like Bill Murray's movies: They like Murray and his directors because Murray's lack of any expression or refusal to please the audience is a welcome respite from the Hollywood shoot-em-up, digital-special-effects, gimmicks, actors-emoting, etc. I think in this regard Murray is like the Peter Sellers charactere in "Being There" or the Beatles' "Fool on the Hill."

Gene Weingarten: You cannot compare Bill Murray to Peter Sellers. I shan't allow it in this forum.

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Washington, D.C.: As a speechwriter for an unnamed politician, do you dare me to put the words "in this ever changing world in which we live in" into a speech?

Gene Weingarten: Yes. Officially.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: Parting shot before I head out for lunch with Pthep: The solo-McCartney-is-nothing theory doesn't hold because so many Beatles songs were written singly anyway: They just took joint credit for everything either of them wrote as well as for collaborations. "Yesterday," for example, was all McCartney, and in fact was performed only by McCartney. And I think almost all the later songs were done singly.

Gene Weingarten: I have to accept this, but it doesn't explain what happened afterwards.

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Leastsexymanim, AL: Gayguy here. I'd have to go with Willard Scott. First thing in the morning on the Today show, he can really take the edge off any protuberance that I wake up with.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

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Springfield, Va.: Marilyn, like a good drag queen, was a charicacture of a real woman, an exageration of "feminine traits." The short form: Marilyn performed in high drag.

Gene Weingarten: Zackly.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: "Nonhuman animal control officers" is the perfect example to show why God created the hyphen.

But I have to say that clarifying that "animal control officers" do not include humans in their jurisdiction may be the silliest thing I've seen in at least the last 10 minutes.

Gene Weingarten: There ya go.

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Least sexy men: Andy Rooney and Larry King.

Gene Weingarten: Both worthy. Larry King, live (I mean, in person) is a shocking presence.

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Summer Reruns: Have you noticed that over the past two weeks there have been a large number of comics identified as "reprints while the artist is on vacation?" Wouldn't this be a perfect time for The Post to use that valuable comics page real estate to try out some new comics instead of feeding us material we've seen before? I know, I know, preaching to the choir here...

But in the non-rerun category, I'm starting to enjoy the many cross-over strips doing the whole "Blondie" anniversary thing.

washingtonpost.com: FYI: Blondie's Dean Young , ( Live Online, Friday at 1 p.m. ET )

Gene Weingarten: Me, too, actually. It is visually startling, isn't it? Liz, can we link here to a couple of the recent crossovers?

Gene Weingarten: Here we go: Today's Blondie, and Beetle are good examples. The Blondie may be the funniest Mutts joke we've seen in, like, ever.

washingtonpost.com: Blondie , ( Aug. 23 ), Beetle Bailey , ( Aug. 23 )

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New York, N.Y.: Interesting bit in this week's New Yorker:

The recently published second edition of the New Oxford American Dictionary contains a fake word in the letter "e" section in order to deter copyright infringers. The magazine whittled down the list to the following six candidates. Can you or Pat guess the fake word? No fair if you have already read the article.

Earth Loop - n. (electrical) British term for ground loop.

EGD - n. a technology or system that integrates a computer display with a pair of eyeglasses ... abbreviation of eyeglass display.

electrofish - v. trans. fish (a stretch of water) using electrocution or a weak electric field.

ELSS - abbr. extravehicular life support system.

esquivalience - n. the willful avoidance of one's official responsibilities... late 19th cent.: perhaps from French esquiver, "dodge, slink away."

eurocreep - n. informal the gradual acceptance of the euro in European Union countries that have not yet officially adopted it as their national currency.

Gene Weingarten: I haven't read it. I would have guessed eurocreep, but no one ever puts the correct answer as last in a list, so I'm going with esquivalience, because it is so believable.

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Poetic prose: Haven't a clue about the true origins of most of your samples, but I can't agree with you more about the difference between poetic prose (non-rhyming) and poetry. What I don't understand is why people can't see the value of poetic prose, written and read as prose. Done well, it is lovely, can be profound, and doesn't come across as pretentious. By contrast, it is nearly impossible to write ragged-line non-rhyming poetry that doesn't sound trite because of the way it's presented on the page.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. I have been discussing this with Von Drehle, in fact, and he cited WC Williams's shorty:

so much depends

upon

a red wheel

barrow

glazed with rain

water

beside the white

chickens.

---

This is in fact lovely, and probably for some ineffable reason works better as poetry. But then again, it is ABOUT poetry, so that's almost not fair.

We're still thinking of the perfect example. We haven't hit it.

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Judd Hirsch in Independence Day: The worst part of Independence Day was the respected actor Judd Hirsch's portrayal of a stereotypical Jewish father. Can't believe a guy that was so brilliant in Taxi whored himself out for this unfunny and offensive portrayal.

washingtonpost.com: Add Judd Hirsch to the Least Sexy list, too...

Gene Weingarten: Actually, as I recall, there was an even more offensive portrayal of a gay guy.

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FOB Kalsu, Iraq: Re: Independence Day

I can't believe I'm rebutting this...but:

1. The First Lady was laying (lying?) beside the crashed helo.

2. I used to have a CD-ROM with all the US phone numbers. Of course, that was before cell phone usage exploded...and it was 2 CDs.

3. It's the Chrysler Building not the Empire State (I may be wrong here, I'll have to watch again)

4. The President's helo goes to Andrews, but I do agree with the bad timeline.

5. The force field was off when he set the Coke can on it, then they turned it back on. (Remember Jeff G. nodded to the tech to turn it on?)

6. An F/A-18 is not as easy to fly as you would think...and the MARINES fly them too!;

(Along with the armed forces of Australia, Canada, Finland, Kuwait, Malaysia, Spain, and Switzerland)

7. Before the end credits, you see the remaining alien fighters being shot down by the remaining US fighters.

Can we talk about the Flash now?

Gene Weingarten: Okaaay....

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Seattle, Wash.: Dear Gene, My husband, whom I consider to be the smartest person I've ever met (no joke, he's pretty smart), insists that there is some crazy conspiracy around the whole Karl Rove/Valerie Plame story. Essentially, he thinks that the media is covering up some seriously dirty dealings by Rove in order to maintain their access to the White House. I say bullsh--. Any journalist worth his salt wouldn't be fearful of retribution from the White House and if there were a story to be written, it would be written (heck, it may still be written!). Anyway -- I wondered if you could comment on this -- is the mainstream media covering up some incendiary story about Karl Rove simply to avoid p--sing off the White House?

Thanks for settling a marital dispute, A Panty-Throwing Fan

Gene Weingarten: No. This sort of thing exists only in the coverage of sports teams, and less so today than in the past.

I assure you people are looking for dirt on Rove.

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Arlington, Va.: They're back: Calvin & Hobbes .

Do you know if The Post is going to pick this up and if they're going to be reruns or new strips?

Gene Weingarten: You know, there is something deeply disturbing about this, though I am looking forward to it immensely.

What's deeply disturbing is that Watterson spent his cartooning life deploring crass commercialism. Exploitation and whatnot. And yet, here he is, allowing this TO SELL A BOOK.

Of course, this might mean he is in financial distress. Which might mean he is coming back. Which would be really exciting.

Gene Weingarten: Don't know the Post's plans, though.

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Nick Cage: Is sooo NOT sexy. Horsy face. Wimpy eyes. Unremarkable body. What's to like?

I was taught by a wise woman that there are two kinds of ugly in this world. The kind of ugly that is so unique that you sort of forget it is ugly. (Kind of like Paloma Picasso, she is ugly but so unconventionally so, that it is startling and somewhat evocative.) And then there is ugly that so commonplace and just blah, that you can't really overlook it. Nick Cage is the second sort of ugly.

Gene Weingarten: Okay. I'll accept that, and not hearing any objections, we can accept it and move on.

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Del Ray, Va.: Hi Gene,

I just can't wait till Lisa's chat on Friday. Do you watch "Six Feet Under" on HBO? What did you think of the finale? I could not stop crying at the end. I think that it was the best finale I have ever seen. Just enough information so that you know how it turns out, but you get to imagine the journey to the end.

Also -- have you noticed how fabulous the cinematography is on some HBO shows? Music and visual shots are just perfectly cut and melded together. It really makes for such enjoyable TV. (HBO -- the company name for this week?)

washingtonpost.com: Sorry to be a party suckerfaced pooper, but Lisa's on vacation and won't be chatting this fFriday.

Gene Weingarten: I saw the finale, yes. I thought it was terrific, marred only by the stupid-cliched-inexcusable wrestling with a demon only to discover the demon is oneself. Someone needed to edit that sucker out.

_______________________

Lansing, Mich.: OK, I take an injectable medication. And every time I inject myself in the presence of someone who has not previously seen me do so, that person will invariably say something along the lines of, "I could NEVER do that." People are astonishingly needle-averse. So what gets them to speedball heroin?

Gene Weingarten: The high, I'm afraid.

And injecting something intramuscular is WAAAAY less creepy....

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New York, N.Y.: Esquivalience is indeed the made-up word. Most experts polled thought so because it doesn't pronounce very well.

Did Pat try?

Gene Weingarten: I am excited! I seldom get anything right.

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The AristroCRAPS: The movie sucked. Yes, there were some very funny, laugh out loud, spit out your drink moments, but they analyzed the joke to death. I love tequila, but don't talk to me for 30 minutes explaining the age, history, different types; just pour me a glass and let me enjoy it. They should have made the movie 45 minutes long and told the joke unedited.

Gene Weingarten: Wrong.

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Ellicott City, Md.: Are you more inclined to one family one dog or do you go with Dave Barry's theory of the primary dog and satillite ones? I ask because the family is thinking of getting another (are you, too?).

Gene Weingarten: We're waiting on that decision. It's a little too early. We have lived with one dog, and with two. There are virtues in both, but dangers with two. Harry and Clementine were best friends, but after Clem died, we got another pup. Alas, Harry and Annie were mortal enemies. Annie, a Great Pyrenees, was insane, hated Harry, and actually tried to kill him. Tragically, we had to put her down. She was literally insane. A dog who could be sweet one moment and a killer the next, and no amount of training (a thousand dollars worth) did any good.

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Washington, D.C.: After seeing how Pat Robertson wants to deal with public figures who tick him off, have you requested any extra security?

Also, isn't the funniest thing about that story -- by far -- the fact that Robertson's assassination request was broadcast on the ABC Family Channel?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, in case you missed it, the Rev. Pat Robertson has said it would be a good idea to assassinate the president of Venezuela, who says bad things about our government and our president.

That shows misjudgment. You can think whatever you want, but to say some things, when you have a public forum, is just plain irresponsible. For example, I would never SAY that I thought assassinating Pat Robertson wouldn't be so bad.

_______________________

Bored on a confence ca, AL: I'm reading the "deep archives" of this chat and you say that Molly was named after your dog. In Molly and Dan's chat, she said she was named after a cat. Which is correct?

Gene Weingarten: Mol was named after my wife's dog. I don't think she said she was named after a cat. We never owned a cat.

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Washington, DC: Larry King is scary in person. Saw him once while he was waiting for his car a a local garage. But at least he wears clothes and make-up. My vote goes for the "Fitness made simple guy." He is a freak of nature. I can't tell if his head is to small, body dis-proportioned, bad high-lights in the hair or what.

washingtonpost.com: John Basedow !

Gene Weingarten: Oh, man, yes. I always thought that was a photoshopped image. THAT IS REALLY A GUY?

Is there any woman or gayguy out there -- tell the truth now -- who finds this guy hot?

_______________________

Indianapolis, Ind.: You've bragged about answering more questions than any other chatmeister. So if you are #1, who is #2?. Who answers the least. I think it's Terry Neal or Dana Priest (if she answered more she'd have to kill us) .

washingtonpost.com: Sietsema answers a heck of a lot.

Gene Weingarten: Lizzie is the authority here.

(One of the reasons I answer so many is that many of my answers read like "Lizzie is the authority here.")

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Arlington, Va.: Any thoughts on "Prickly City" lately? He's had his main characters go looking for real Republicans, and not find any in Congress or the White House. He's still not a deft writer, but the willingness to criticize one's own (political) side strikes me as refreshing. I see that flexibility as something that the better political strips (like "Doonesbury") manage, while the more tendentious ("Mallard Fillmore," "Bizarro") do not.

Gene Weingarten: It's true. It is almost as though we are witnessing a political conversion, right before our eyes.

I think it is mirroring the thoughts of many conservatives, who are angry at the hijacking of conservatism by a high-spending, religiously driven administration.

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Not really an Aptonym: Gene, Did you see the article in the post about the change of US Airways' planes? The vice president of marketing's name is Christ. This isn't an aptonym, per se, but it makes a very funny read:

"Christ said the merged airline's style would best..."

"...a sense of "pride and respect," Christ said"

"'We tried to add a little bit of style to it,' Christ said."

And so on...

Gene Weingarten: It sure does work. It's like putting "in bed." at the end of any routine sentence.

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Portland, Ore.: So, Lynn Johnston has lost her mind, yes? Liz is "gone after" but doesn't bother calling 911 or going to the police afterwards and is actually just fine and laughing moments after a man tries to rape her, and Anthony just happens to be stopping in and SAVES HER because he is MEANT FOR HER even though he married and had a child with someone else, but it's okay because his wife is evil because she chose to work instead of staying home with the child that he pushed her to have, and we're supposed to be rooting for Liz to get together with him?

I would almost believe that Johnston has deliberately concocted the most appalling storyline that her wholesome Canadian mind could conceive to get the kind of binational attention that she has -- but that would be so wildly out of character for her. Dullness and routine are her stock in trade.

I've been waiting impatiently to hear your thoughts on this -- share?

Gene Weingarten: You said it well. It is the oddest thing she has done, and one wonders if in Ms. Jonston's personal life, there might be some emotional turmoil. I have seen this before; someone writes something a little out of character, and some many months later, you learn that that person is going through Major Life Change.

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N, PR: Quote from Monday's Morning Edition, "Endocrinologist Christina Wang specializes in male reproduction." They might want to consider re-running this story at pledge time.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Washington, D.C.: Can you please discuss the issue of asymmetrical butts? I have noticed lately that it is becoming a big problem.

Gene Weingarten: I have never noticed any such thing. Unless it is only a male phenomenon, in which case I wouldn't have noticed.

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Anonymous: Least sexy man: Viggo Mortenson (or something like that). Most sexy man: BILLY BOB THORNTON.

washingtonpost.com: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Reverse the above.

Gene Weingarten: Oooh, a Chatfight.

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Bryson Elementary: Your readers are getting soft. Thank God. I expected to be savaged. Not so much because it was a weak punch line (I've definitely set them up better), but because I muffed it while being pompous and self-righteous. That's the part that made me cringe a little when I saw it again this morning.

Alas, alternate punch lines didn't work any better:

"Whoa! Wearing shirts with logos HAS turned me into a capitalistic stooge!"

"Enough of that. We'll be late for the Bumstead's anniversary party,"

and

"The Aristocrats!"

-- Jef

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. Hey, all you comic guys who WEREN'T invited should get together on some gags in the next two weeks! Seriously. You have time if you make some calls today. That could be a scream.

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Anonymo, US: Gene,

There's a saying in Farsi (my family's Iranian) that "X won't happen until a camel's tail touches the ground." Apparently, camels tails never grow that long. My husband and I have been married for years and are now pregnant. After about a month of marriage, my parents began asking when we'd have kids (another Iranian thing). Last year, my dad said we'd have kids when a camel's tail touched the ground because we were waiting until we felt right about it. We've decided to tell them that we're pregnant by getting a picture of a camel and elongating its tail to touch the ground. I need help on the caption, though. So far, all I have is: Sometimes, a camel's tail does touch the ground.

Do you have any ideas? Thanks, my husband and I both value your opinion.

Gene Weingarten: This is very sweet.

No caption. Just hand it to him. It will take about 15 seconds.

Also, can't a camel's tail touch the ground if it is sitting? They sit, right?

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Anonymous: "Gene Weingarten: Actually, as I recall, there was an even more offensive portrayal of a gay guy."

Harvey Fierstein wasn't acting. When he's playing Tevye on Broadway, he is acting. In Independence Day, he was being himself. Also, his line -- "Oh, crap" -- when the fireball is coming down the street is the funniest line in the movie.

Gene Weingarten: Well, then simply allowing Harvey to be Harvey was an abomination.

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Least Sexy: Robert Novak. In person = troll.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, what's going on with that mouth? Bad dentures?

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Gene Weingarten: I bed chicks don't like bad dentures.

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Woodstock, Md.: Speaking of Sellers,what do you think of Steve Martin doing a "Pink Panther" remake? Blasphemer!

Gene Weingarten: I just don't understand remaking anything that was truly great.

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Justwonder, IN: I was curious. If I e-mailed you a list of funny historical Supreme Court Justice names the other week, and then you write a column about funny Supreme Court Justice names, does that mean I am a Glorious Source of Inspiration, or am I a Mere Example of Coincidence?

And do either of these roles win a person a free novelty item or book about diseases?

Gene Weingarten: Your email came after I had written the column. I write three weeks in advance.

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Poopour, RI: It must be your birthday -- aptonyms and poop!

On VH1's Celebrity Fit Club one of the contestants had some funny weight loss procedure where they stuck lots of shots in his tummy to "melt" fat cells... performed by Dr. Duplechin. Also, two other contestants had colonics done by some woman with the last name "Butt." I thought you should know.

Gene Weingarten: And I appreciate it.

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Boston, Mass.: I went to D.C. to visit a friend this past weekend, and as I was walking from the Eastern Market station I thought, "Wouldn't it be exciting if I ran into Gene?" Just then I saw a man with an extremely bushy moustache walking with an attractive blonde woman. Could that have been you? Should I have said something? I thought it would be wrong, or at least hideously rude, to assault a random couple. Do you get sick of chatters coming up to you while you're going about, or do you sort of like it?

Gene Weingarten: An attractive blonde? SHHHH. My wife might find out.

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Candorville: Looking at last week's CPOW, I believe what your son saw as nipples are, in fact, the lines between Susan's body and her arms.

Gene Weingarten: No way! They were dots!

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Another Aptonym: The New York Times has a photographer named Ting-Li Wang, whom they sent out to take photographs of hot dogs for an article on street food.

Thank God they didn't have him working for the Health section.

Gene Weingarten: Superior. This is true, right?

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New York, N.Y.: Does anyone find our current President sexy? Besides Laura, I mean. I doubt she reads this chat, though.

Gene Weingarten: I do. I have seen him in person, and he is a genuinely good looking man. Women tend to disagree, so clearly I am wrong.

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Anonymous: Mallet blew the punchline, clearly -

"But first, a little roo roo!;"

Gene Weingarten: Someday, someday -- you will see that in a comic strip. I guarantee it.

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Southeast Washington, D.C.: Didn't John Basedow die in the tsunami? Or was that just a nasty Internet rumor? If it's true, I would think that this determining if he's hot or not would be put into a different light...

washingtonpost.com: Apparently, he's still alive .

Gene Weingarten: This was a Web rumor.

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Camel's Tail: Note to your readers: don't do a Google Image search for any variation of "Camel Tail" if you are at work, unless the Safe Search option is engaged.

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHA. But isn't the operative term "cameltoe"?

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, thank you all. Liz points out that a few answers ago I wrote "I bed chicks don't like bad dentures." I pointed out that she could have changed it. And she pointed out that, yes, I was right. She could have.

Gonna get her. Definitely gonna get her.

Okay, next week. I'll be updating as usual. Thanks.

_______________________

UPDATED 8.24.05

I think you'll like Robin Robertson: APART

We are drawn to edges,
to our own parapets and sea-walls:
finding our lives in relief,
in some forked storm.

Returning with our unimaginable gifts,
badged with salt and blood,
we have forgotten how to walk.

Thinking how much more we wanted
when what we had was all there was;

looking too late to the ones we loved,
we stretch out our hands as we fall.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. This is impressive. As is the next post.

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Freeverse!: I submit that Frank O'Hara's "Steps" wouldn't work nearly as well as prose. (Of course, it falls under the "speak no ill of those who are dead [because they were run over by a dune buggy while sleeping on a beach]" rule.)

"Steps"

How funny you are today New York
like Ginger Rogers in Swingtime
and St. Bridget's steeple leaning a little to the left

here I have just jumped out of a bed full of V-days
(I got tired of D-days) and blue you there still
accepts me foolish and free
all I want is a room up there
and you in it
and even the traffic halt so thick is a way
for people to rub up against each other
and when their surgical appliances lock
they stay together
for the rest of the day (what a day)
I go by to check a slide and I say
that painting's not so blue

where's Lana Turner
she's out eating
and Garbo's backstage at the Met
everyone's taking their coat off
so they can show a rib-cage to the rib-watchers
and the park's full of dancers with their tights and shoes
in little bags
who are often mistaken for worker-outers at the West Side Y
why not
the Pittsburgh Pirates shout because they won
and in a sense we're all winning
we're alive

the apartment was vacated by a gay couple
who moved to the country for fun
they moved a day too soon
even the stabbings are helping the population explosion
though in the wrong country
and all those liars have left the UN
the Seagram Building's no longer rivalled in interest
not that we need liquor (we just like it)

and the little box is out on the sidewalk
next to the delicatessen
so the old man can sit on it and drink beer
and get knocked off it by his wife later in the day
while the sun is still shining

oh god it's wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much

Gene Weingarten: The reason that these read as poetry to me is that they rely on words that are unspoken.

Then again, the best prose also relies on the unspoken.

This field, in general, is a mystery to me.

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Tenleytown: Gene: I was surprised that you did not address the escalating tensions between Mr. Hunter and yourself. After publicly excoriating him last week for having his head up his arse for his review of "The Aristocrats," he took you and your ilk to task on Saturday for enjoying such pathetic, twisted creatures who took up about 95 percent of the time in the film. While he did not mention you by name, his intention was clear. Where is your response?

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I was waiting for the question, but it never came.

There are no escalating tensions that I know of, and I would flatter myself if I thought Stephen was responding to me; I think he was addressing the fact that he didn't seem to have a whole heck of a lot of company in trashing this movie..

Liz, can we link to this piece? It ran in Style last week. As everything Hunter writes, it was compelling. But I think he is missing the central point.

Yeah, the Aristocrats joke IS about the tension that exists between comic and audience, with fear and loathing in the mix. But to suggest that these comics are UNAWARE of this tension is missing the point, I think. They are reveling in this, and happily squirming in theor own self-loathing. The reason this joke has been publicly untellable for nearly 100 years is that comics understand completely what the joke means, and that it is too directly confronting the central irony of what they do. The joke is on them, not on the audience. Which is why it works.

washingtonpost.com: 'Aristocrats' Reveals Stand-up's Underbelly, (Post, Aug. 20)

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Olney, Md.: Gene, Is Liz feeling OK? You bi#ch slap Bill Murray, and no response from Chatwoman??

Gene Weingarten: I think Lizzie's silence speaks volumes.

washingtonpost.com: I did reply. Gene must've missed my comments in the flood of postings to his super-secret behind the scenes queue. Here's what I said:

Since you asked... I think Bill Murray phoned in his performance, is what I think. But I don't know that makes him a bad actor so much as it exposes the weak character he was enlisted to play and the weak direction. Which is to say: I'm more disappointed in Jim Jarmusch, who has never really let me down before. I'm gonna watch "Night on Earth" or "Ghost Dog" tonight to chill myself out.

p.s. See, I can be reasonable. p.p.s. Hang on Sloopy!

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Hefty bag filled with soup?: Wasn't this a runner-up in a Style Invitational contest a few years ago, about bad similes?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, something similar, by Paul Sabourin. I apparently internalized it. I think Paul said vegetable soup, and I said minestrone, so obviously my version was COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

I didn't do this intentionally. It's hard not to have it happen once in a while. I suspect there are other cases I never caught.

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washingtonpost.com: I would like to apologize for the tardiness of today's update. Contrary to popular opinion in certain basements on Capitol Hill, I am not Gene's personal assistant. I actually have a few other things to do around here -- like keep all of Live Online running, attend meetings, respond to breaking news and technology outages, wear pants, etc.

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UPDATED 8.25.05

Denver, Colo.: Gene, I'm a 33-year-old panty throwing chick and I've peed in a sink... more than once.

Least sexy man out there: Randy Johnson, the baseball player. Ewwww.

Gene Weingarten: Several women came up with this one. There may be other reasons Mr. Johnson is popular with the ladies, though. His nickname, for those of you who do not know, I swear, is "The Big Unit."

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Ron Jere,MY: Gene -- Speaking of Ron Jeremy, my friends and I have actually have discussed our "size" preferences. Size includes length as well as girth, and believe me, there is a difference. I prefer short but wide. Long and skinny does nothing for me, and long and wide is uncomfortable. Other friends liked different combinations. I'll bet, if you asked, many women will have a lot to say on this subject.

Gene Weingarten: For some reason, no woman has spoken up about the merits of short and thin.

washingtonpost.com: Did we really have to go here?

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Children's poetry?: Have you read many of Margaret Wise Brown's books, besides "Goodnight Moon?" I think she was really a beatnik poet looking for a way to make a living at it. Her work is a pure joy to read out loud (unlike MANY children's books). The best is The Train to Timbuctoo. Find a copy and read it. You'll be amazed.

Gene Weingarten: I am a big fan of Margaret Wise Brown. I think she is the second best ever, after Dr. Seuss. Her best book, by far, is "Mister Dog." The "Runaway Bunny" is also great. "Goodnight Moon" is genius, but largely because of the artwork of (I think) Clement Hurd.

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Ellicott City, Md.: Garfield talking is cool by me. It reminds me of Teller from Penn and Teller. Off stage he talks to fans, does NPR interviews, and is a normal person. Garfield is the same way, off the job he is like any other talking cat.

Gene Weingarten: Good point. I'll accept it.

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OOOH Ge, NE: Since you feel the way you do about prose, you really need to do some sort of expose on Language Poetry. It is the MOST ridiculous thing where an elite group who have designated each other to be "ahtists" have decided that they can play around with random words and call it poetry. Things like taking every 5th word from the 5th article in the May 5th Washington Post arranging them to look pretty and call it a poem.

They only publish each other.

Go to a reading if you need sleep.

Gene Weingarten: Ah! I did a column on language poetry. Liz, can we link to it? Search for me and "Charles Bernstein." I liked this column and, oddly enough, so did Charles.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway, (Nov. 17, 2002)

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UPDATED 8.26.05

Even Clearer on the Skyline: Should have waitied and clicked the second link. Gene, you are seriously shaking my faith in your infaliability. ! The silhoutte of the Sears Tower is right dead center in the background and its unmistakeable (I passed it every day for three years going to law school) The surrounding buildings are all recognizable West Loop Landmarks. In fact based on the Skyline I can go a step further and say the Candorville cast lives in Presidential Towers, a block of apartments about two blocks away from the tower.

Gene Weingarten: I see. Now look at the next post.

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Re: Candorville: The skyline the backround of the Shot is San Francisco not New York fer Pity's Sake! note the Transamerica Pyramid is clearly visible. It could also be the Chicago Loop as the Amoco building rendered in cartoon from looks a lot like a single WTC tower. Sheesh! you'd think folks in D.C. never saw a skyline before...

Gene Weingarten: I see. I guess this is settled, then. Well, for the record, the editor of the strip tells me she thinks it is Sanfran. But I googled the Frisco skyline, and I see nothing like this. So I have emailed Darrin Bell. We shall see.

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Not-hot man: What about the man that I've seen on Fark lately who has had quite a number of plastic surgeries to make himself look like Ken (as in, Barbie's ex.) Not only does he NOT look like Ken, he now looks like a freak show. ICK.

Gene Weingarten: This is deeply disturbing. I urge everyone not to click on this link, here.

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Islamic Terr, OR: Any thoughts on the recent firing of Michael Graham?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah.

I find myself conflicted about the Michael Graham thing; my knee-jerk reaction is always to defend anyone who is being punished for free speech. And the fact that I think Michael Graham is a demagogic jerk, and disagree with him on everything, perversely makes me MORE inclined to defend his right to say it.

The problem here is that he is not being censored by government. He is being edited by his employers. There is nothing wrong with that, in theory. Now, sometimes in cases like that the employers are cowards -- witness the recent case in Miami with columnist Jim DeFede (look it up if you are unfamiliar.) But sometimes, the employers are quite justified in setting reasonable standards, and enforcing them.

If I wrote in a chat (my column is edited, so it wouldn't happen there) that all Muslims were terrorists, or something, or that Islam is a junk religion, and it was clear I was not being funny, I would expect to be either reprimanded or, more likely, fired. I would not contest this. The Post has a right to say, holy crap, we don't want someone that irresponsible writing for us.

The question then becomes, was MAL justified in taking the stance they did? My feeling is that if you hire a firebrand who says outrageous things ALL the time, and are basking in the good ratings of this guy, because he speaks to a jerk audience that wants raw meat, you have to die by that sword, too. ie, there is something Claude Rainsish about their being "shocked" by what Graham said.

So, mostly, I say good riddance to the guy -- and hope this won't actually HELP his profile -- but I think probably the station showed cowardice and should have kept him, while publicly distancing themselve from his statement.

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