Life at Work Live

Washington Post columnist Amy Joyce writes Life at Work on Sundays in the Business section and appears online every Tuesday to offer advice about managing interpersonal issues on the job.

The transcript follows below.

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Amy Joyce: Good morning, all. It's Tuesday, which means it's time to talk about your life at work. There are lots of questions that await, so we should get started. As always, jump in with your own advice and stories to help your fellow workers and workers-to-be.

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Arlington, Va.: Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal/work with an office baby? She is a 37-year-old only child who acts like a 10-year-old sometimes.

She gives the silent treatment, visibly pouts so people will ask "Oh, what's wrong?" She is very quick to blame others for her obvious mistakes, gets angry if you don't help her, and really feels everyone is against her. She doesn't hesistate to play the race card.

She is a friend of mine in the office, but frankly, I want her to leave. She needs the change, as do we.

Amy Joyce: Good you noticed you need to change too. Best thing to do in this sort of situation is call her on it, on everything. Don't pity her, don't play into her moods. Treat her as you would any other co-worker. Expect from her the same things you would from anyone else. Simple as that.

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Washington, D.C.: Just like many other talented politicos in this town, I have jumped from job to job as the offers for positions got better and better -- many of them sought me out. I am proud of the accomplishments and increasing responsibilities at each position. But now, due to my husband's employment and a desire to change our lifestyle a bit, we will be leaving the area.

What is the best way to explain the frequent job changes to potential employers outside of this job market who may not understand the dynamics?

Amy Joyce: How about you explain the D.C. dynamics? Again, simple as that.

Most people will understand, as D.C. is an oddity when it comes to politico jobs. Anyone in the political/lobbyist field should understand the moves, but either way, you should explain it. I'm sure your references and credentials will cancel out many questions future employers may have. Good luck with the move.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Hi, Amy. Thanks for taking my question.

I have a little dilemma. I just found out that I'm pregnant, and I'm very excited! I should also note that I do not like my current job. Out of the blue, a friend of mine told me that there is an opening in his department (in the same company) and that I should contact his manager right away if I'm interested. I contacted him a few days ago and have an interview next week.

Here is my question: Do I tell him that I'm pregnant? I really want the job and I don't want to jeopardize my chances by telling him right up front. I think the law says that I don't have to tell. I won't begin "showing" until two to three months from now. However, I also don't want to put my friend in a bad situation, since he recommended me for the job without knowing my situation.

Amy Joyce: You should tell him you're pregnant when he offers you the job. It happens quite often, believe it or not. I wrote a column about it a few months ago. Most women who were in a similar situation told the potential employer when the offer was made. After all, you need to know what kind of benefits and maternity leave they offer, and they should know you'll be gone in a few months for a few months. When you're offered the job: Thanks so much. That's great news, and I really want it. But I want you to know that I'm pregnant and due X. If I take this job, I need to know what kind of leave you offer. I'll need this much.

Then tell this potential employer how you will keep up with work before you go, and whether you will be reachable while on leave, etc. Don't deny yourself a great opportunity.

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Arlington, Va.: Amy -- did you get a haircut? Did you do this because you thought it would be better for your career?

Amy Joyce: Who knew my hair would be such a hot topic today?

I finally got a new picture to replace the one that ran with the chat since about 1999. So yes, my hair has changed since then.

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Washington, D.C.: How often is too often to take vacation or annual leave days I've earned? The occasional random day off helps me a great deal as I both attend school and work full-time. I'd imagine it depends on the workload of the rest of the staff, but are there any big no-nos or general guidelines?

Amy Joyce: You are given a certain number of days off because you're supposed to take some time off. So do it, sans guilt.

Just make sure you leave at appropriate times when possible, that you're not leaving in the middle of the busiest season, and that you have taken care of all your work before you go so your co-workers don't have to pick up the slack.

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Baltimore, Md.: Hi, Amy!

I work for a nice company, but I feel constantly pressured to be involved in "extracurricular activities," such as golfing outings, etc. Also, there always seems to be some charity activity that employees are asked to donate to. I'd love to give, but am barely getting by on what I make. Also, I am VERY protective of my time away from work. I believe you are at work to do a job, and that's it. How can I graciously back out of all of this "outside the job" stuff? Thanks!

Amy Joyce: I don't know that you should back out of ALL of the outside activity. It's important to do some of it so you can network and make connections. Otherwise, it's tough to move on and up in your position.

As for the charity stuff: Decide how much you want to give and to whom, and leave it at that. "Sorry, Bob, but I've given all I can already."

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Washington, D.C.: Two 20-somethings who work under me and have been in a relationship recently broke up because the guy cheated on her. Predictably, there are a lot of bad feelings, and since they have to work closely together, it's starting to affect their work.

I've tried taking them aside and making it clear that the office isn't the place for their drama, but it clearly didn't take. A transfer isn't possible, neither one has shown an inclination to quit, and it's really getting to the point where I'd just as soon fire both of them, but I thought I'd see if you had any advice first.

Amy Joyce: Lucky me.

Try taking them aside one more time and telling them they have to figure something out because you're at wit's end, and you'll have to let them both go if they don't start treating work like work.

Remind them this isn't a college campus, they have a job and they have to do it. And right now, they aren't doing their job, which makes you, as the manager, realize that something has to give. It's either they learn how to work together, or one or both of them will have to find a new job.

Ouch. Sounds harsh, but they need to fix this. And you have to lay it out for them, unfortunately.

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Outside the Beltway: Amy, my employer has started gathering personal data from employees in order to be able to contact them in an emergency. While this is all well and good, and I don't mind giving my boss this information, (home number, cell number, etc.) the information will be emailed monthly to 50+ people. I do not want people having my home number or cell number and wonder if I have any rights to keeping that data private. I did think about mixing up a number or two and just turning that in, knowing there will be little chance of getting caught. Thoughts?

Amy Joyce: Interesting dilemma for those who don't want personal info out there. But many companies have to keep a running list of numbers and addresses, and unless you have a stalker, I don't see a problem with that. It seems pretty reasonable, considering what we've seen out of the Gulf Coast as people are trying to find their friends, family and employees.

But if you don't want that info out there: Have you tried talking to your boss about it? Who are the 50 or so people it is being sent to? Maybe you can compromise by only letting management have your info.

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Alexandria, Va.: I just wanted to send a positive message since this chat has given me so much help. After three years of searching, I finally found a new job at a dream of a company. I had resigned myself to my current nightmare of a position after such a long time looking, but it happened! So for everyone out there who's still looking, just remember that something even better is bound to show up!

Amy Joyce: Always glad to hear that. Pop in anytime with advice/suggestions on how you did it. Congrats!

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Feeling guilty: I was supposed to move offices to accomodate a new hire. The hiring description was of a person with similar experience to mine, so I argued it wasn't fair to move me. The supervisor agreed.

It turns out the guy she hired is almost 20 years older than me and super experienced. I feel bad about about him getting put into a crappy office while I got to keep my great one, but I don't exactly want to give up my nice digs either. What do I do?

Amy Joyce: Do you think he cares?

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Washington, D.C.: I think I know the answer to this, but I'd appreciate a sanity check. I have been working on a committee (volunteer) at work, and one member of the committee has undermined our task for a few months.

He doesn't show up for meetings, he doesn't do the assigned work, and calls other committee members to change the direction of the work without consulting all members, not even the chair. Now this member has started an email campaign slandering me and the chair's contributions to the work and has demanded an apology from us to the committee for not doing things his way and doing things the way the committee decided to do them in the first place.

These emails are going to our supervisors and the highest levels of management in our organization. Many of these people know me well and respect my opinion and work, although not all of them do. Most people know this individual well, and know that he tends to be disruptive and extreme in his positions.

My inclination is to ignore his repeated inflammatory emails and take the high road, but my level of anger is rising each day this continues. In the long run, I think I will not be adversely affected by this, but for now it is highly frustrating. What do you think?

Amy Joyce: I'd do what you're doing now, especially if people know this guy is usually a rabble-rouser. But I would suggest you take your boss aside and explain the situation and ask what, if anything, you should do. Stay calm, explain what you see as going on, and say that you were ready to just ignore it, but you simply aren't sure if that's the right thing to do. Then at least your direct supervisor knows what is going on, and will likely be able to give you some advice. That should be a role a manager plays. Good luck.

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Arlington, Va.: I've decided to move on from my job for personal reasons. I have informed my supervisor. Typically, in my place of work, people who are leaving send out a mass email saying what a difficult decision it was to leave. Then, there's a big party with gifts, speeches, tears, and the works. I am so not into this. Can you suggest a dignified alternative that would not burn any bridges or lead to gossip? Thanks.

Amy Joyce: On the day you are leaving, send that email with forwarding contact info if you want. Talk to a few of your close co-workers shortly before you go. And feel free to tell them you wanted to wait til the last minute to let them know because you didn't want a big to-do. People should understand. And that way, you're not burning bridges. You're just doing things your way.

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Columbia, Md.: For the person managing the post-relationship 20-somethings: He or she should take each of them aside individually, not together. Talk to each one-on-one, not in front of the other. This will emphasize that you as an individual are responsible for your work and your actions at work.

Amy Joyce: Right, right, right. Thanks for that addition.

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Washington, D.C.: I just want your comments on the following practice at my company. Most of us at this small family owned company are vulnerable to being let go due to the family dynamics (usually with a generous severance package). However, the company advertises the position anonymously on the major websites and in the Post before letting the person know they are gone. Some of us have taken to perusing the ads to see if we are targeted. If we find out we are before official notice, do we ignore it or just ask?

Amy Joyce: If you see that ad, dust off your resume and start looking for a new job immediately. Then if and when you are let go, you have a place to go, and you have a severance package. Not sure what you'd accomplish by ignoring it, or by asking. Just take it as a very obvious hint and take charge of your own life.

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Washington, D.C.: Amy, I have recently become the victim of "Stuff rolls down hill." A mid-level manager at my office has gotten all crazed about helping with Hurricane Katrina, which is great. But, somehow I got stuck dealing with pulling together banner ads for use on our website, running around getting the approval. Now, I'm in charge of putting together a blood drive.

I am not opposed to charity, but come on. This stuff isn't my job. To make it even worse, I don't report to this woman. It truly doesn't conflict with other duties, but it makes me feel more and more like a secretary (I'm a marketing assistant). I have a meeting with my boss tommorrow morning, how do I bring it up? Or do I leave it alone?

Amy Joyce: If you feel like it's taking away from your other work, then absolutely tell your boss. Even if it isn't, and you simply don't want to do these things, just tell your boss you'd like to share the responsibilities, or ask why you are being targeted to do it. It might be because you are reliable, and that's a good thing.

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Superior co-worker: During a staff meeting, a co-worker made a mean, uncalled-for comment about me to my face -- basically, she seems to feel she's better than me due to her education. (She's got a strange combination of low self-esteem and a superiority complex.) I've already told her I don't appreciate the remark, but I'm having a hard time working with her now. She's making an extra effort to be friendly, and I can't stomach it. How do I push this out of my mind and go on with a cordial professional relationship with this person?

Amy Joyce: Remember that you're at work, and you need to do your job. Live on that for a while, and hopefully that will help you push out of the nasty feelings to get on with your work. Bummer.

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Baltimore, Md.: A year ago I took a job at a prestigious institution. The job description sounded a little pedestrian, but they were searching for someone with a master's degree (which I have) and I really needed a job.

From the first day, I never felt like my responsibilities were much above intern status. I've been here a year and tried to initiate projects that use my skills and education, but they've been turned down simply because the other, simpler tasks I do desperately need to be done by someone. I don't understand why they required such experience and education for my position.

I don't want to leave what is otherwise a good workplace, but I feel like what I have built up (and paid for in student loans) is not being used fully. Do I have any right to ask again for a chance to have more responsibility when our small staff needs someone to do the grunt work I do?

Amy Joyce: Of course you have that right. But make it a serious discussion. Ask to have lunch with your boss. Tell him or her what your concerns are, what you would like to do, and ask what, if anything can be done about it. Sell yourself and what you want to do as you would any other business plan. At the least, you should be able to come out of the meeting with a clearer picture of your future at the organization. Good luck.

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Informational interviews: Amy, someone asked you at the end of a recent chat about informational interviews. I've done several this summer as part of my job search and wanted to share what I've learned.

I think they're most useful for practice interviewing (we all need that, right?) and for learning more about current issues and buzzwords in an industry, especially if you're looking to make an industry shift.

The absolute best way to get an informational interview is by getting a referral from someone you know. People seem very suspicious otherwise, but are much more willing to talk if you can say, "So-and-so suggested I contact you about my interest in your field." Do this by e-mail, then follow up by phone.

Expect the process to take a looong time. People won't get back to you right away, will be busy, will be on vacation, etc., but generally they will get back to you eventually.

Don't make the informational interview a thinly veiled job pitch. But do ask for a referral at the end of the interview: "Can you recommend anyone else who might be helpful for me to talk to?" Everyone I spoke to gave me at least one name, some gave me many, and then I had that referral I needed to call someone else.

What I got out of my informational interview quest was a lot of contacts (though no job offers) and an ability to talk really fluently about the industry I'm in, which helps me feel more confident in approaching job interviews (which I'm finding in the traditional ways, e.g., newspaper, etc.).

Good luck!

Amy Joyce: Thank you! People often ask about info interviews... how to get them, what to do with them, etc. This is great info. Thanks for sharing.

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Washington, D.C.: After a lot of thought, research, sleepless nights, I've made a decision. I'm going to quit my job and start my own business. Wow. I know the risks, I've researched the field, I have past experience (many years) in the profession, even though I don't currently work in it. I've contacted the Small Business Development offices in my area, I've contacted two national associations for the field, so I'm aware of support resources, networks, etc.

So, I've finally decided to stop just giving lip service to the "life is too short to stuff you hate" philosophy. I'm alternately terrified and ecstatic. I don't have a question, I just wanted to type that out. Also, how oh how do I stay focused at work when I know this is coming up (quitting and taking the leap) in a matter of a couple of months?

Amy Joyce: Congrats! That's great. Even though it's daunting and scary, I bet you feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders.

Now... how to stay focused? Day by day, D.C. You may need these co-workers and bosses as contacts later. So do everything you can to make it okay for yourself. Don't burn bridges. Make a list of things you need to do to get through each day and do them. Take a lunch break to get out and think about this new adventure. Soon enough, you'll be ready to go.

Best of luck, and congrats.

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Washington, D.C.: Do you have advice on applying to jobs in another city? I live in D.C. but hope to move back to N.Y. (my hometown). Should I address this in cover letters? Thanks.

Amy Joyce: Any chance you can move to N.Y. and look for jobs once you're there? If not, contact recruiters in that area and in your field, explaining what you hope to do. You might add a line in your cover letter saying you live in D.C., but you are moving back home to N.Y. Contact everyone you know in N.Y. to help you out, get you contacts and pass your resume along. Good luck.

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Amy Joyce: Okay, gang. Time to get back to work. As always, if you have a column idea or story about your workplace situation, go ahead and e-mail me at lifeatwork@washpost.com. I won't be with you next week, but will be back the following week. Life at Work the column will appear, as always, in the Sunday Business section. Take care.

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Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.