Chatological Humor* (Updated 9.23.05)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

DAILY UPDATES: 9.21.05 | 9.22.05 | 9.23.05

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in The Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything. Except VPL and potty ettiquette.

This week's poll (please choose your doorway): I Lean Liberal | I Lean Conservative

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

This is going to be a short intro because it involves more work than usual for you. Also because it might herald the coming of the Apocalypse, and, in the spirit of last week's chat, you might need to get yourself right with God, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whoever.

In the past we have noted those odd circumstances where two comics make the same joke on the same day. We have never fully explained this phenomenon, and the cartoonists usually plead ignorance, arguing (as do many atheists, heathens, infidels, and spiritual debunkers) that the phenomenon of coincidence is underappreciated.

Last week, we witnessed a triple. And a double. A full house! This may never have before occurred, and we wonder whether it signals the end of creativity; the exhaustion of all new ideas, which was foretold as the final signal for End Times. (Well, it was foretold by Me.) Last week, on the same day, Pearls Before Swine and Non Sequitur had the identical joke. It was identical to a joke that ran in Speed Bump on August 31. Because of the deadlines of comic strips, it can be safely said that none stole the idea from any of the others. Two of the three cartoonists (Coverly and Pastis) swear to me that there was no collusion or particular news-generated impetus for the strips.

Meanwhile, on Monday, both Sherman's Lagoon and the Wizard of Id had jokes about inappropriate mention of deviled eggs.

But that's not all! On Tuesday, Pearls had an eerie time-jump, a strip that appeared, startlingly, two weeks late. As though there were a sudden warp in the space-time continuum. These things happen prior to the coming of the Messiah, I am told.

That's not all! On Saturday, Garfield had one of the strangest cartoons in the history of this strip. In it, Garfield appears to have witnessed Jon's death! And is (uncharacteristically) pretty broken up about it! And then... on Monday... Back to some lame joke about coffee. Jon is alive! John lives! He was resurrected, without explanation! What is going on here? We await heavenly thunderbolts.

And lastly, on a more pedestrian note, I must direct your attention to yesterday's B.C. Can anyone explain what the grammatical error is? An absence of a comma after "We"? Unlikely. That's not exactly grammar, and the font even suggests a comma. It is possible that Hart thinks it should be "Us the people?"

I welcome your thoughts on these important matters.

Take today's poll. It's going to be very contentious. I will explain the correct answers midway through.

The CPOW is That's Life from Thursday. The Runner Up is Sunday's Boondox , for its anger and outrageousness.

Okay, let's go.

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Sheepish, LY: Wasn't the sheep in the family guy a Faulkner reference to Joe Christmas?

Gene Weingarten: Nope. This is great.

This is in reference to the line in the Family Guy recently where Lois suggests that the reason Meg is cranky is that it must be that time of the month.

Then they cut to a sheep, who expressed disappointment that he was going to be put to work again. No one could figure out what this meant, and I asked readers for help.

Well, several people unfamiliar with the strip suggested that if Meg was in that way, the sheep would be getting a workout from Peter. They didn't realize Meg was 14, and Peter's daughter, I think. Or they assumed a degree of sickness that's even beyond the Family Guy.

Two readers figured it out, though. The reference was to a previous panel in which they cut to a Flintstones-type character, a pelican, who was being used as a toilet. Even the music was the same.

And the reference: An old term for menstruation I'd never heard, but it's googlable: "Riding the cotton pony."

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Alexandria, Va.: Gene --

Your chat is on at the same time as one on women's sexuality, a ratings-grabber if ever there were one. If we asked you the same questions and compared answers, would you ever be allowed back in the house?

Gene Weingarten: No.

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Washington, D.C.: Hey, Gene,

In Sunday's column, you wrote about how, in your dweeby younger days, you lost out on all the hot women in college and were therefore forced to resort to female engineering and ag majors. I'd say you probably got a few e-mails about it. Here's another one.

I'm not a "hottie" or a "babe" -- I'm a full-grown woman with an evil streak. I wear skirts and heels because as a female in a technical field, I need the credibility of a suit -- and because when I sit down in meetings and cross my legs, the skirt rides up. (When guys are distracted, they are so suggestible.) Heads turn when I walk across the building's foyer (not that I notice, of course). Guys are reeeeal friendly when I meet them in the hallway, and they are extreeemely anxious to be helpful in aaaany way they can.

What do I do? Am I an engineer? Oh, yeah. You were forced to resort to dating female engineering students? Gene, honey, you wish you'd been that lucky!

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Mojo League Baseball , ( Post Magazine, Sept. 18 )

Gene Weingarten: Well, I put that line in specifically to generate this particular post. Thank you. You made my morning.

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VPL off limits?: But what about VB - Visible Bulge?

Gene Weingarten: I believe you are confusing this chat with Hax's. Or Stuever's. If he had one. Which he should.

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Sheep, ISH: The joke is....

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

The joke in Family Guy is that Meg is fat.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. This is equally possible!

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Yaounde, Cameroon: Hi Gene,

Is it just me, or is Berke Breathed poaching from himself? I'm almost positive that this Sunday's "Opus" is a copy of an early "Bloom County," right down to the Senator's name. If I weren't at work right now, I would look it up and prove I'm right. And yes, I am a total goober for seeing this right away.

washingtonpost.com: Opus , ( Sept. 18 )

Gene Weingarten: I had the same thought! I am going to ask Berkeley.

Gene Weingarten: I asked Berkeley. It was a repeat, from 1983. He actually gives a clue. Look at the little parenthetical date under the second panel.

I'd criticize him, but I do the same thing, now that my column has a new, larger, different audience. I have occasionally repeated lines I really liked.

Besides, I'd have to argue 22 years is way past the statute of limitations.

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Really Alabama: Gene: First, I'm really tired of all those people who pretend they are from some city in Alabama, using "AL" as the last two letters of some bogus town, like Circumstanti,AL or Insubstanti,AL, etc. It really bugs the poop out of me. There. I said "poop." Anyway, please tell them to quit it. I can tell by the way they write that they are not from Alabama. Besides, it's a postal abbreviation, not meant to be used anywhere else but the front of an envelope or package, no matter what common usage has done.

Second: My husband wants to know exactly what it is about you that is so attractive to women. I told him that in my humble opinion, it is simply this: You LIKE women. You think we're neat creatures. You don't just want to get into our pants, you actually think we are interesting and fun to be around. Do you agree? Do your women fans agree?

Third: I have been driving stick shift for over 30 years now. I'm 51. I still love it, but I have to admit that my knees don't. What I hate worst is getting stuck in a long line behind an accident on the interstate. Stop-go-stop-go-crawl forward for 10 feet, etc., is just the pits.

Fourth: I read something in Discover magazine the other day about women geniuses. Here's the deal, as I understand it: Say a woman carries the genius gene on one of her X chromosomes. This woman has a child. If it's a boy, he gets her X chromosome, undiluted, and therefore the genius gene, and therefore he's a genius. If the baby is a girl, there's a 50-50 chance she will get HER X chromosome from her father, thereby a 50-50 chance that she won't be a genius. And so it goes.

Love and kisses from Alabama, because that's how we do it here in Ala. Also, I am submitting early because I cannot make your chats. Ever.

Gene Weingarten: I am awed by women, in general. I prefer them, as a gender. One of the reasons I prefer them is that they seem to be able to laugh at themselves more than men can.

Um, now we need to laugh at your genius explanation, and we know you will not take offense, because you are a woman.

I am not sure what Discovery wrote, but you have to have it wrong. Leaving aside for a moment whether there is a "genius gene," which I doubt: Females have two x chromosomes. Males have an x and a y. Males ALWAYS get their x from mama, and their y from dad. Females get an x from each. The y chromosome is dominant in determining the sex of the kid. Hence, you have a 50-50 male female balance. And you have a central flaw in your thesis.

If you are saying that genius genes are always carried by the x chromosome, I guess you are suggesting that it must be dominant. So when the genius-carrying x goes into a boy, he becomes a genius. But when it goes into a girl, shouldn't SHE become a genius?

Can anyone better explain what this theory is supposed to be saying? And what it means?

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Washington, D.C.: I would assume you are getting several messages like mine on the bone marrow question, but in case not, I would like to urge people to sign up for the National Bone Marrow registry -- see the Web site .

Also, I would point out that sometimes people are able to give blood-producing cells without the traditional marrow extraction -- in an apheresis-like procedure that does not involve anesthesia. Also, parents can donate their newborn's cord blood which is stored for later potential use.

I don't want to say that the traditional procedure is not painful (it does involve inserting needles into the pelvic bones) or that I wouldn't be a little scared to do it if I was ever called off the registry. But I have to remind myself of my mother's younger brother, who died of leukemia in the late '50s before marrow transplants were possible. He didn't have a chance, but many, many people do today. Please consider getting on the registry -- I appreciate anyone taking time to think about it, even if you ultimately decide you could not personally do it. Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: But, but... you didn't say anything FUNNY.

Hey, I once did a column on a poop transplant involving a Dr. Aas. Liz, can you find this?

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Crofton, Md.: Hi Gene That is my question to Marc that has caused so much discussion! I took the poll today. Although I would give my bone marrow to a person, I would never leave my pet helpless. By the way, since this is my 15 minutes of fame don't I get something?

Gene Weingarten: Only this.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Re "Flight Risk"... the Speed Bump isn't exactly identical to the other two. In the Speed Bump, the jailbird (har!) is a flightless ostrich. The judge didn't even manage to properly MISunderstand "flight risk"!

All three comics in a row, with the Speed Bump last, are funnier than the three of them separately... it's as if the judge in the Speed Bump misapplied the precedent set by the judges in the other two.

Gene Weingarten: Interesting.

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Olney, Md.: The only other possible explanation for that "B.C.", discounting the frontrunner that Hart lost his marbles years ago, is that maybe that hairy caveman thing isn't a person? Or, more like Hart, the cavewoman isn't a full person. 2/10ths, maybe?

Gene Weingarten: But that's not a grammar question.

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Boston, Mass.: Props to Chatwoman on all those hyperlinks. Beautifully done, fun to read.

washingtonpost.com: Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Chatwoman never gets her props. And I can disclose that I dumped this all on her about 17 minutes before the chat began.

I heart Chatwoman.

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College Park, Md.: Gene:

Hi. The great Robert Wise died recently at the age of 91 after an incredible career in film. That's not funny, of course, and we'll miss Mr. Wise, who was as nice and intelligent as he was talented, but his death reminded a bunch of us of a time in the early 1980s when student groups at the University of Maryland's Student Union brought several top-name film directors, producers, actors and writers to campus for educational programs. Among those who we brought to campus were Robert Wise, Robert Altman, Alan Parker, John Waters, Gene Roddenberry and Michael Palin.

When we brought Robert Altman to campus, local filmmaker Jeff Krulik, who made "Heavy Metal Parking Lot" with John Heyn, asked Altman what his favorite horror movie was.

Altman replied, "Grease."

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Lynchburg, Va.: Out of curiosity, is anyone aware of how many phone calls Fox got when Lois married a dog in the last "Family Guy?" I am going to guess that got very few. In fact, I am going to guess that fewer people object to marrying a dog than if they had shown a gay marriage, which either shows a hypocrisy against gay marriage, or a frightening acceptance of marrying animals.

Gene Weingarten: Um, no, it probably signifies nothing of the sort. This is a toon. Furthermore, the FG writers totally wimped out by making it clear this was an unconsummated marriage.

I thought the episode, in general, was pretty weak.

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Blacksburg, Va.: re: your VW Bug article - Isn't driving a manual, not knowing about engine braking and traction control, then making fun of automatic drivers kinda like making fun of digital watch wearers while wearing a quartz analog watch? You're still a member of the club, but you're not fully commited. Can you offer an argument for your level of manual driving that can't be used as an argument for my wearing a quartz(non-mechanical) watch? It looks nice and it makes me think, which pretty much sums up your argument for manuals.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is a very astute analogy. It fails only a little, in that even driving a manual without using engine braking, you are still driving in a more involved manner, saving gas, accelerating more quickly and efficiently, and whatnot.

But I do not deride people who wear quartz analog watches. They are fine. It's digital watches I contemn.

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washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Important Medical News , ( March 28, 2004 )

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Hot and Sticky, Fla.: Gene, they added your photo at the top of the page. Do you think this will attract or deter newbies from reading your chat?

But that goes along with my next question, you mentioned you like petite women. Do you remember when this fascination started? I have a theory that men form their basis of female beauty well before they begin to understand current beauty ideals. Along with this theory goes that many men abandon their early held ideals to western media... but that's another story.

Gene Weingarten: I haven't seen the picture yet but I will probably demand its repeal.

The first girl I kissed was petite. I was astonished by the transformational power of that kiss. I theorize that is what it is all about. Seriously.

Someday I shall write a monograph on this subject and submit it to the AMA Journal.

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Gramm, AR: Um, and haven't the grammar rules changed in the last 230 years anyways? Plus it's an ambiguous rule anyway.

"We, the people" now

"We the people" then

PtheP, where are you?

Gene Weingarten: I call on the Spirit of Pthep. What was Hart's point?

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Washington, D.C.: Is Jeremy single?

Gene Weingarten: He has a steady girlfriend, I believe.

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Another problem with the genius gene idea: Cells don't actually use both X chromosomes, only one. Men only have one X chromosome, so, no problem. In women's bodies, one of the two X chromosomes is "turned off" in each cell. So if a woman were carrying just one copy of the genius gene, it would "show up" in half her cells -- enough to make its presence known, I assume.

Gene Weingarten: Right. I am just not following the logic, though I am sure Discover was making some valid point.

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Anim, AL: Gene, it's still early in the life of the poll (9 a.m.), but right now the results of both polls are mirroring each other. Can it be that our views about animals, whatever they may be, transcend our political leanings?

Gene Weingarten: It's interesting, isn't it!

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A Theist: A Christian is expected to adhere to the teachings of Jesus, a Buddhist to those of Buddha, a Shaker to those specific to Shakerism, etc.

However, with atheism, there is no code of conduct to adhere to whatsoever. So how can it possibly be a "religion?"

Gene Weingarten: It is a religion because it is an unshakeable belief in something that cannot be proven, one way or another. It requires faith.

Sorry. I came to terms with this long ago.

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Cincinnati, Ohio: Since you've been talking about bad songs lately, here's a list VH1 just put out: 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs .

I don't agree with quite a few of their choices -- I'm not sure what their criteria was, though. It seems like some of them were chosen just because they were outdated (though I don't necessarily think that makes it a BAD song... possibly short-sighted, but not bad).

Gene Weingarten: I kind of like We Built This City, their number one choice. And We Didn't Start the Fire is not a bad song. It's too interesting to be a bad song.

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Noncommitt, AL: Submitting early, because I'll be gone during the chat:

From last week's chat: "I believe in no God."

From Sunday's column: "...I remain agnostic on the power of prayer."

Which is it, Gene? How you can both absolutely deny the existence of God and remain "doubtful or noncommittal" about whether praying to God works? For you to remain open to the possibility that praying to God works, it would seem that you also have to leave open the possibility that God exists.

Help a true agnostic out here

Gene Weingarten: Well, I wrote these things weeks apart, but they are not inconsistent.

I think prayer often works, the same way placebos often work. Actually, that's not fair. It's more serious than that. I think prayer works because it makes people focus on what they want, whether or not it is a one-way dialog. I am not opposed to prayer, or contemptuous of it, at all.

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Alexandria, Va.: You brought up intelligent design in the conversation about God last week. I must say, I do not understand the visceral reactions the thought of intelligent design provokes.

Science and evolution can give us very good answers to the questions of how something occurred, when it occurred, where it occured, etc. Science can not answer the question of Why. That is why every human culture in existance has had philosphers and priests: to try to answer the question of Why.

The Theory of Intelliegent Design is an attempt to answer a question, why did we end up looking the way we are. Evolution tells us the how, not the why. I'm not saying the answers provided by the Theory are correct. There is no answer to that. But I think it is worth asking the question: why.

Gene Weingarten: Right. I think the reason Intelligent Design provokes such visceral negative reaction is simply that people opposed to public religion feel that Intelligent Design is being hijacked by those with public-religion agendas. They feel this with some justification, methinks.

I think if you drew a Venn Diagram of the debate, the circle of Intelligent Design supporters would completely encircle the circle of religion-in-the-schools supporters.

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4 U Liz: Did Liz really fix the Style Invite web page to present the limericks better? Is she a tech kinda woman?

washingtonpost.com: Liz has been known to aid and abet the Empress from time to time...

Gene Weingarten: It's so incestuous at the Post. Normal rules of human decency don't apply.

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Alexandria, Va.: You have referred to interior rhymes in previous chats. I was looking at a Web site on The Band and they had an excerpt from a Levon Helm lyric that is timely and has some interior rhyme:

I was born in the rain by Lake Ponchartrain

Underneath the Louisiana Moon

And I don't mind the strain of a hurricane

They come around every June

High black water, a devils daughter

She's hard and she's cold, and she's mean

But nobody's taught her that it takes a lot of water

To wash away New Orleans

-- "Hurricane", from American Son, Levon Helm, 1980

Gene Weingarten: Wow, that is terrific! And definitely is perfect interior rhyme.

Those five Band guys were great. An amazing confluence of disparate talents, no one a genius but everyone truly excellent, working together perfectly. Like the 1971 New York Knicks. Do you know the story about how Garth Hudson joined The Band?

Garth is the best musician among them -- the one who can play, like, six instruments, and also the one who never opens his mouth. After the guys got got together and started rehearsing to see if they could be a band, he asked the other four guys for a dollar apiece. They each ponied up, but asked why. He said, quite seriously, that his mother had flatly prohibited him from joining a band, since she considered him a classical musician, and rock n roll was beneath him. And he didn't want to lie to his ma. So he told her he was employed as a music teacher.

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New York, N.Y.: I don't know if you've seen this before, but I found this amusing, and not at all surprising.

It's worth a read. Santorum's response, in particular, is exactly what I expected it to be.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, these are kind of lame, and of course dishonest, since

1-- These jokes were likely reported by a staffer; and,

2-- Regardless, they were not tell their REAL faves, but whatever joke they could think of that could be told to a ten year old. Wouldn't it have been great if someone wrote back with a version of the Aristocrats? Or why women won't skydive naked?

As for the most revealing answer, I think it was Bill Nelson's. It underscores the narcissism of politics, doesn't it?

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Washington D.C.: My wife objects if I open her mail, even though we have no secrets from each other and share a bank account and so on.

Do you and your wife open each others's mail?

Gene Weingarten: Everyone has secrets from everyone else. As it should be.

My wife and I do not open each other's mail. It seems like an unacceptable invasion of privacy. We never even discussed this issue with each other; we just don't do it, even where the nature of the contents are plainly evident, and impersonal.

Having said that, I should point out that my wife will occasionally forge my signature on a check, without consulting me. I have no problem with that, either. If she had to wait for me to get around to dealing with checks, we'd be in trouble. (Since it is with my express approval, the forging is not a crime.)

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Washington, D.C.: So last Tuesday night around 8 p.m. I was driving home with the windows open, passing Eastern Market. I heard this grating noise and looked around wondering what the hell it was -- then I saw you and your wife and realized the noise was your voice.

I've seen you around enough to recognize you two instantly, but one thing caught me off guard -- the man was smoking. Was that you? I was surprised, mainly because I had never seen you smoking before, even when you were walking the dearly departed Harry.

Gene Weingarten: If it was a cigar, it probably was me. I do not smoke cigarettes.

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Washington, D.C.: Please help me find a way to continue rooting for the Washington Nationals, after reading in Sunday's Post the following quote from one of the players taking part in the Christian prayer sessions that are held in the clubhouse:

"Other religions don't know any better. It's up to us to spread the word."

Gene Weingarten: Oh, I can help. You do not route for a team as a collection of human beings. You do not KNOW them as human beings. You must be ready to accept this disconnect. You are rooting for your city.

I was an ardent Yankees fan, and a particular admirer of Graig Nettles, even after I learned that Nettles was known for being something of an anti-semite.

I know a guy who is an ardent Red Sox fan, even though he frequently discusses the fact that Manny Ramirez appears to have the IQ of a brain-injured cockatiel.

It's all about their skills. Okay? Does that help?

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Blacksburg, Va.: This has been a great week for me not getting any work done. My grandmother cut out and sent me several Sudokus, and you linked to an arrangement puzzle game that has no end. I was desperatly hoping there was an end, so that at some point I'd have a reason to stop, but I found the Webvsite claims there is no end. So far, I've finished up to level 15, and while I have slowed down a little, they're still doable, so I'm doomed. Maybe you could link to a different game (one with an end, or other limit), so I can forget about this one?

Gene Weingarten: Okay!

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.: Hi Gene!

I am submitting this early. My wonderful husband sent me this evil, evil time waster. He sent it to me right before my online class. So, you can guess how much I learned.

Good Luck! By the way, my best is 13.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, yeah, I had almost forgotten this one. This is diabolical. A classic, really. Much better than the Orbitz table-flick.

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Foggy Bottom, Washington, D.C.: Do you, or any of the peanuts, have a term for when buildings or places are located at inappropriate addresses?

Example: The Inova Fairfax Hospital is located on Gallows Road.

I wonder if I should open a strip club on Seminary Road...

Gene Weingarten: Well, um, homonymically speaking, that last one might be more appropriate than inappropriate.

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Margaritaville: There should be a function in Google where you can, in moments of sanity, specify terms that you should never be allowed to search for. Say, for example, the names of ex-significant others. Had I had access to such a function on my computer I would not now be faced with the knowledge that I sit here, single, while my emotionally-crippled alcoholic ex-boyfriend just got married. I realize, of course, that I would have to have the foresight to enter that information, but I think I could be entrusted with handling that task when not in a moment of vulnerability and self-loathing. And I do have a lot more moments of sanity than I do of self-loathing, especially now that I'm no longer dating an emotionally-crippled alcoholic.

If anyone out there has the ability to develop such a program, I will pay you for it. I will, of course, also expect a cut of any money you make off of my idea.

Gene Weingarten: Let me understand something, sweetie. For some reason, the fact that your ex boyfriend got married suggests to you that he is better off than you are? Why is that? Sounds like your ex is going to make himself and others miserable, whatever his marital state, no? Whereas you are simply in the process of finding your perfect man, wiser in your selections now, owing to the lessons he taught you.

There is no magic to the state of marriage.

I see no cause for jealousy or envy. Only sympathy for his new lady.

You're welcome.

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Wondering: Mr. Gene,

I am a woman who would choose to see an action movie over a chick flick almost every time.

Does this make me less attractive to men, or more?

Thanks

Gene Weingarten: It depends on the dimensions of your kiester.

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Geneticist, Washington, D.C.: Gene's right. It's 50-50 for the boy to be a genius if the woman only carries one genius gene. I think the parents were switched. Let's use this shorthand:

Xd= X chromosome with doofus gene.

Xg= X chromosome with genius gene

MOM: XgXd Dad: Xd Y

A son has 50-50 chance of inheriting Xg, which will be the only gene he can use.

A daughter will have the same chance, but she will be XdXg.

She will likely have similar abilities to her mother.

If Xg is X-linked recessive, then both mother and daughter will not be total geniuses (because women turn off X chromosomes randomly in their cells, some cells will be Xg and some will be Xd)

But the brother will be a genius. If the gene is X dominant, then mom, daughter, and son will all be genius. Dad will still be a doofus.

Now let's consider Daddy Genius, Mommy Bimbo (Doofus x2).

Mom: XdXd Dad XgY

The daughter will be XdXg with 100% certainity. So she is highly intelligent OR a genius, depending on the two examples above.

The son, alas, is doomed to be 100% a doofus, since he will not inherit any Xg from Dad.

Now suppose this:

MOM: XgXd Dad: XgY Son has 50% chance of being a doofus or a genius.

The daughter has 100% chance of being highly intelligent or a genius.

Gene Weingarten: This just came in and I don't have the time to analyze. I am going on trust.

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Great Falls, Va.: Quick question: every Sunday the Post runs "LIFE IS SHORT - Autobiography as Haiku." But, the stories aren't Haikus. I thought that a Haiku was constructed as 5-7-5 syllables, something like:

My penis is small,

Therefore I must compensate,

Harley-Davidson.

Gene Weingarten: Haiku is being used metaphorically. Short, elliptical and revealing. But you knew that. You just wanted to get your elegant poem in.

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Washington, D.C.: Today I overcooked my green beans so much in the microwave that they squeak when I chew them. It's fun.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Why we dig Gene: Freud asked, "what do women WANT?" (You can be sure he was whining when he said it.) I don't think it's that complicated. We want to be understood. Just as Gene understands why his wife, who baptized her dog when she was 12, worries that the dog is in heaven with people she doesn't like; just as he understands that she was not going to be moved from lying on the floor with Harry the night Harry died; just as he understands all her quirks and idiosyncracies, as well as the ways she's like all women, and doesn't just accept them but finds them endearing. For all this, women will continue to heart Gene, and envy the women in his life.

Gene Weingarten: Awwwwwwwwwwww. Now someone say something really nasty about me. I need balance. I'll print the best. I mean, worst.

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Politians joking: Not all are lame. Favorite Bill Clinton joke (as quoted by Joe Klein in the New Yorker article from 2000) is very, very good.

Gene Weingarten: I forget, which one was that?

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Don't Stand So Close To, ME: "He starts to shake he starts to cough, just like the old man in that book by Nabokov"

In your esteemed opinion, was this a clever rhyme, or a painful stretch for a rhyme?

On a related note, should a poet attempt to rhyme "VPL" with the "Ell" sound or the "Ine" sound?

Gene Weingarten: It's a terrible rhyme. It would fit the Style Invitational terrible rhyme contest.

the only good rhyme for VPL would be something that ends "eee-pee-ell."

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Oregon, Alabama: I'm sure plenty of others have pointed out this aptonym, but it's so wonderful I had to submit it too. This is from the New York Times, reporting on a study on teen and adult sexual practices: Nationwide Survey Includes Data on Teenage Sex Habits .

"One thing that surprised me is that we expected, based on anecdotal evidence, that girls might be more likely to give oral sex and boys more likely to receive it, but we didn't find that at all," said Dr. Jennifer Manlove, of Child Trends, which, like Ms. Brown's group, released an analysis of the data, "There's more gender equality than we expected."

On the one hand, I find it heartening that boys are learning that it's at least as good to give as to receive. On the other hand, the fact that kids are engaging in this and thinking they're still virgins bothers me. Did we learn nothing from Bill Clinton? Oral sex counts.

Gene Weingarten: This gives me a good idea for next week's poll.

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Mount Laurel, N.J.: Gene, you are a snob about stick shifts. I drive a stick -- and I pride myself on driving it pretty well. But there are some situations where it is an unmitigated pain, like heavy stop and go traffic, when I get lazy and never shift out of second (which I fear is wrecking the transmission but maybe not -- I don't know much about cars).

You'll learn first-hand the other situation if you go visit your daughter in Ithaca this winter. There are few things more exciting than being on one of Ithaca's 45-degree ice-covered hills with a stop sign at the top (I'm thinking of the one where you turn right onto Dryden Road from Williams Road) with a car too close behind you. You'd KILL for an automatic transmission in those circumstances.

Gene Weingarten: I would not. One of the things I like most about a stick is how you learn to handle just that situation, without problems.

And yes, you are wreaking hell on your clutch and drive train by staying in second. Isn't that chain-rattling noise a clue?

I don't care about stop and go. It's fine.

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Annandale, Va.: Gene,

I'd really like to hear you reconcile what are, seemingly, two separate positions you take:

1. Your position that you're pretty much agnostic and lack "faith", and

2. Your belief in the "power of Jeremy" (positive) -- or for that matter your presence at a Nats game (negative) -- to influence the outcome of the game.

Sounds to me like you would deny the influence of a higher universal order and yet would subscribe to a more... "local effects" phenomenon. In either case, isn't it a matter of faith in something that you don't fully understand and can't hope to prove?

Different subject: Why is there a CANADIAN Aptonym Centre (even offered in French!), but none such for the USA? Are Canadians inherently more likely to career track their children by naming? Or are they just more insidious in their use of irony?

Gene Weingarten: There is a third possibility you are discount.

3. I write, or try to write, humor.

Yes, it is the "Canadian Aptonym CentRE" for those who wish to google it. It is somewhat tepid, as you might expect.

Anyway, there IS an American Aptonym Center. It's an epicenter, actually, given the nature of the Web. The point from which all aptonyms radiate. It is this chat.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: I'm as baffled as anyone about that "We the people" comic. Even today you might make some case for leaving out the comma. But punctuation was used entirely differently in the 18th and 19th centuries; the strict rules that books list now simply didn't exist.

I figure it must be some slur on the Jews.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahahahaha.

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Yokota Air Base, Japan (outside Tokyo): I figure that when you do these live, it is about 1 a.m. my time, so I can't really participate (sob). I don't know that you would really complain, though. I just wanted to comment on the question about Japanese waiting for the Walk sign (or green light) even if no traffic is visible for miles. Yes. They do. And I have to, because as an obvious American, I have to show I respect their culture. And try to present a more positive image than they get with our present administration! Of course, that applies only at intersections. I still believe that, mid-block, anything goes (within reason).

I love this column and wish I had discovered it much earlier. It is just delightful, because one never knows what is going to be discussed next. Pee-drenched mice or internal rhymes. I am glad you took over Dave Barry's spot. I was very worried about whom the successor would be.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you for anointing me Dave's successor! Now please notify the 480 newspapers that have yet to make this obvious connection.

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The man in the cube next to me is smacking his food: Gross. But besides that I have a sleeping problem. My boyfriend snores like a donkey and even with the snore-strips I am still kept awake by his braying. Is there anything short of surgery than can make it go away? Sleeping on the couch is not an option - I have done it twice and really prefer the bed.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, there is a good solution. HE sleeps on the couch.

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Ti, ME: Gene -

You advocate stick-shift cars versus automatics, and dismiss quartz watches as inferior. To parse your consistency:

1. Do you use an electric or a wind-up alarm clock? If the former, digital or analog?

2. Do you advocate the use of fountain pens over the use of ballpoint pens?

3. Do you advocate the use of manual typewriters over the use of word processors?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Gene Weingarten: Wind-up alarm clock from 1945.

On the remainder of this, I am not a Luddite. I tried to use a straight razor, but could never get a good shave out of it.

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Psy, CO: A few nights ago, as I lay in bed, I was thinking about time travel- specifically, what if, when I woke up the next morning, it was a week before 9/11/2001. Of course I would have to try my best to stop the terrorists or, if that failed, to get as many people out of the towers and the Pentagon before the planes hit.

But how? I'm young. I have no connections. I'm an actuary.

Here's where I scared myself: My first thought was "I know, I'll go to Gene Weingarten and somehow convince him that I'm from the future, and then he'll be able to harness the power of The Washingotn Post and get people to listen."

So then I spent the next 45 minutes trying to think of all the personal stuff about you I've gleaned from the chats so that I would be able to make you believe me (and totally freak you out, too.) Although I don't consider myself to be a scary stalker girl, I was able to come up with quite a lot of info about you. However, I just don't think any of it is enough for you to make that leap of faith.

So, for the sake of your country, please answer. Is there anything I could tell you that would convince you that I was from the future and that you should take me seriously?

Gene Weingarten: I love this question and I love it because I, too, have thought of how I might have prevented 9/11 had I been able to travel back in time.

To have come to ME, however, would have been insane and utterly unproductive. You could have stopped it the same way I would have stopped it, more or less.

Neither I nor anyone else would believe in a tale of time travel. Anyone claiming it would be dismissed as a nut, and even if you were smart enough to predict certain events of the next few days (based upon your knowledge of how they would come out), it would be dismissed as coincidence. You might even be locked up.

No, ma'am. The huge and valuable tool you have is your knowledge. You must present it as that. The thing to do is to go to authorities -- I would probably ask for an appointment with someone in the FBI, or secret service, saying that I had information about a serious terrorist plot against the United States. You'd get an interview at some level, however low. You present yourself seriously, well dressed, with whatever creds you have to show that you are not a nut.

And you lay out the plan. Names. Atta. Al Shehhi. Date. Flight numbers. Bin Laden. Ramzi bin Al Shihb. Go as deep as you can. (Remember, few actuaries would have even KNOWN who Bin Laden was, let alone Ramzi or whatsizname, Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, etc, before 9/11. You detail the flight numbers. The targets.

No one at any level of the FBI would have simply discarded this as nonsense. Not because they were so good and careful, but because everyone covers his arse, and you would simply seem too certain and bizarrely knowledgeable. You'd have too much real-sounding info. You would flatly refuse to tell them how you know (and because you are a woman, they would assume you were protecting some guy you loved. See, it would make SENSE.)

And in fact, just a teeny bit of checking by the authorities would have supplied enough suspicious proof for them to take certain people into custody, for questioning at least, ending the plot. They'd find those people in the United States, with odd amounts of money, etc.

You would of course have some answering to do afterwards. But if you just disappeared, pouf, well, then, you'd be fine.

Now, I admit it would be a lot easier for me. As a journalist, I would have done the same thing, but I would have gotten an interview with Tenet of the CIA, told him that my information was from an unimpeachable source I could not name. Etc.

But you could have done it, too. (Not by finding me, though. I would not have believed your, nor had the power to do much investigation anyway.)

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Ward 4, Washington, D.C.: I have a problem with the poll. Once again, there was a question where I didn't have any idea how to answer. So, on #4, I answered "Restrict my intake of animal flesh, because of my regard for animals."

What I really wanted to say was "Eat only organicm humanely raised and slaughtered animal flesh, as I do not want animals to suffer needlessly and do not trust factory farming methods to produce safe food."

Yes, this means that I don't eat a lot of meat, since I don't eat meat that I don't feel was safely raised, slaughtered, processed and distributed. But I do still eat meat and don't feel guilty.

Gene Weingarten: So how was this not COMPLETELY AND FULLY addressed by the answer you chose?

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Washington, D.C.: Thinking about your poll last week, and the only time I've ever flat-out envied fundamentalist Christian parents. When my son was five, he asked me, out of the blue, where people came from. So I launch carefully into the how-babies-are-made explanation, and he interrupts me to say: Mom, I know all that. But where did the FIRST people come from?

Right then, I understood totally the social attraction of the simple answer: "God made them." All done, no muss, no fuss. One of the most interesting parental challenges I've had was explaining evolution to a five-year-old in terms he could understand.

Gene Weingarten: YOUR KID KNEW ABOUT SEX AT FIVE? AND HE LEARNED IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE?

Yeah, I imagine being a believer really, really helps when Grandma dies, and you have to explain it to a kid. My kids grandparents all lasted well into their teens, so it never became an issue, but that's the one I was worried about. "Gramma is going to be eaten by maggots, honey," is not a fabulous response.

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Gene Weingarten: Still not getting acceptably vicious things about me.

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Boston, Mass: Gene, Last week you asked how the Animals could sing "House of The Rising Sun." I looked at the lyrics and I can't figure out what the House of the Rising Sun is. Could you help me out here? I can't be the only one who is missing this.

Thank You

Gene Weingarten: The house is a whorehouse. It has ruined many a poor girl, not many a poor boy. "Rising Son," get it?

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WJC favorite joke: "...You know my favorite joke about the guy that's walking along the edge of Grand Canyon and falls off -- so this guy is hurdling down hundreds of feet to certain death, and he looks out and he grabs this twig and it breaks his fall. He heaves a sigh of relief. Then all of a sudden he sees the roots coming loose. He looks up in the sky and says, "God, why me? I'm a good person. I've taken care of my family, I've paid my taxes, I've worked all my life. Why me?" And this thunderous voice says, "Son, there's just something about you I don't like."

Gene Weingarten: Eh.

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Washingon, D.C.: Gene, Is Dan Balz's name funny? Because I snicker every time I read his byline.

washingtonpost.com: We once had great hopes of making Dan a regular show host, just imagining the myriad possibilities for the name of the show: "... to the Wall," "... Out," and so on.

Gene Weingarten: Not particularly. Now if his name was Harry....

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washingtonpost.com: Nasty thing: Freakish devotion to the Beach Boys and milk chocolate and an aversion to condiments. Hmm, I sense a trend here.

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Gene Weingarten: Now, lessee. The poll.

I'd leave the animals, and feel terrible about it. I eat all flesh, and feel terrible about it. I am just a wreck.

And listen, peeps. Life or death? Always choose the human.

When I have an ethical dilemma, the way I resolve it is often to imagine myself responding in a certain way, and then having to defend it in front of TV cameras the next day. Will I sound like a jerk, or a dope, or a creep, or a crook?

Ask yourself whether you could stand before a TV camera and effectively explain why you saved Fluffy and not old Mr. Whimperdimper. You cannot, because it is unethical. Human life comes first.

Marc is being Marc. The man is a humanist. Read his columns - any suggestion this guy doesn't care about people, or is insensitive, is simply belied by what he has written. He is a tireless defender of people who are getting scrood by life, and by the powerful. He is a close friend of mine. My daughter Molly babysat for his kids.

Marc simply has a blind spot when it comes to animals. He doesn't get it. Recently, I told Marc that Molly had decided not to be a doctor, as she had planned for many years, but to be a vet. He reacted as though I had told him she decided to be a crack whore.

Just doesn't get it. A good guy. Just doesn't get it.

And lastly, on the matter of scientific experimentation: Either you believe that you should never use animals, or that it is okay. You cannot hamstring scientific experimentation the way that third choice proposes - basic and applied research are both important. I allow research, though feel guilty about it.

And that is where we come to the ultimately most interesting thing about the results:

Conservatives and liberals think very much the same, there is just more guilt with liberals. We all eat meat, but conservatives eat with gusto, liberals with a bit of sadness. And thanks to the chatter who explained it that coherently.

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And it's been the ruin: of many a young poor boy, and God I know I'm one.

It's a gambling den, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: It's a whorehouse.

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Vicious (true) enough?: You're a godless hack who is doomed to burn in hell. You don't know talent when you see it (see: Barry, Dave) which is why you don't understand the full magnitude of your own talentlessness. You think your conceit of authoritativeness will adequately cover your insecurities which are, in fact, based in truth. Harry died because he wanted to get away from you.

Gene Weingarten: Ahhhhh. Thank you.

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Hank Stuever: I did go back in time and try to stop Sept. 11. So I get there, I go to the FBI, I do everything I was supposed to do, and I'm the one who winds up in jail. Luckily I prevented the horrible attacks of Tuesday, June 26, 2001. Unfortunately, they still happened on Sept. 11, a little behind schedule. Meanwhile, I'm still at St. Elizabeth's and John Hinckley keeps making passes at me. (Should I go for it?)

Gene Weingarten: This reads like Hank. I am guessing it is Hank.

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Dead Grandmas: It's not that hard to explain death without God. (Yes, I do believe in God but think claims about afterlife are silly since who would know). Anyway, when my mom's mom died, I was about 5. Mom explained that grandma was dead and we were going to a ceremony where her body would be put in the ground. I asked, "Don't the worms eat her?" My mom answered, "The put her body in a box." It all made sense to me. Still does.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

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New York, N.Y.: Dan Balz's name would be funnier if he was a woman and his name was Ophelia.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed, agreed.

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Snorer: Yes there are other solutions. Have him sleep on his side. Have him lose weight. Have him cut down (or out) on caffeine and alcohol. And lastly, have him see a doctor, as snoring and sleep apnea are positively correlated with some really bad health problems down the line.

Gene Weingarten: Well, there is snoring and there is SNORING. You know. Jeremy, Molly's boyfriend, worked in a sleep apnea clinic, watching people sleep.

The stories he tells.

Among them: People who, though knowing they are BEING WATCHED BY DOCTORS AND MAYBE EVEN VIDEOTAPED, still perform certain self-induced rituals to get themselves sleepy.

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Vicious poster here: And no need to put this up, but please see that Gene gets it: the part about Harry tore me up. Ugh. Please not to be asking for that sort of thing again, k?

Gene Weingarten: I promise. I apologized when I did it.

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Centreville, Va.: I think you're basically right about how to handle it if you ever end up going back to September 4, 2001. But what scares me -- and I've spent legitimate time being scared by this -- is, what if I don't remember enough of the details to seem credible? I consider myself a pretty well-read and well-informed person, and I followed the aftermath of those events avidly, but I'm sure that if told the story to someone who didn't share that knowledge, I'd get a lot of the events wrong.

What's worse- and again, I'm reasonally well-educated- is thinking what I'd do if went back a week before, say, Kennedy's assassination, or Lincoln's. Do I remember enough of the details to seem both credible and to affect the course of events?

Gene Weingarten: Well, for crying out loud, wouldn't you do a little boning up in advance? Read the furshlugginer 911 report? You think time travel just happens in an instant? The wait would take weeks, for paperwork alone.

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Washington, D.C.: Why don't you think a whorehouse could ruin boys as well as girls? I think the singer is supposed to be a somewhat-repentant sinner. And the lyric is clearly "boy."

Gene Weingarten: I don't think the lyric is boy when Ms. Nina Simone sang it.

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Annapolis, MD: Gene, you are an unfunny writer, you rely on others to provide the humor while you provide the set up. You are the Moe, while others are the Larry. Your political views are relics of times past when people thought government was the answer. Unfortunately your brain cannot come to grips with reality. You complain about government ineptitude, but cannot seem to call for reduction of federal programs, especially ones that have been around for over 50 years and still haven't helped the poor.

Without your crutches you are an old, bitter liberal who's understanding of anything outside your own experiences. You will burn in the hell you don't believe in, but God still loves you.

Gene Weingarten: This isn't as personally effective as the previous one. Truth hurts more than rhetoric.

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Da bait: Regarding the religion discussion: =I like how people (especially the religiously inclined) usually seem to assume that the way things are NOW is the "end result," or the goal of all existence. What about what happens 100 years from now? One thousand? One million? Five billion? Perhaps all life will be extinct. Perhaps our descendents will have attributes that will put us to shame. Perhaps cockroaches' descendents will do that. Maybe a lifeform from other planets is the real reason for all existence, and we're but a stray brushstroke in the background.

But I digress.

Gene Weingarten: Right. We could be a discarded prototype.

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Snor ER: Another trick to reduce snoring. Take one of your old bras, put tennis balls in the cups, and have your significant other wear it backwards while sleeping. It worked for me (and the rib), until I took off some weight and stopped snoring as much.

I thank thank my lucky stars that we did not have a fire while I was wearing the thing.

Gene Weingarten: I am laughing uncontrollably here.

That is great. And do you realize that hundreds of people will now try this? Am I correct one must lie on one's back for this to work?

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Nasty: Gene has a sense of superiority so acute that it can only balanced out by a false self-effacing wit. He will find some small grammatical error that he will used to negate an argument, no matter how logically correct or reasoned the unedited is. He has an adoring harem of women, who truth be told, only like the idea of him. If presented with his true being, all the truly hot woman would tactfully beat a retreat.

Gene Weingarten: Also good!

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How about this?: A week or two ago you said that it was not time to yet laugh about Katrina. Just this week there was an article on CNN that quoted DL Hughley and other comics making jokes about Katrina and saying that "laughter helps heal the soul" etc. Basically you royally dropped the ball on this one. You were wrong, they were right. Hughley isn't even that funny and he beat you to the punch on this one. CNN is beating you to jokes and explaining the use of humor during a crisis. You no longer have use as a human being. Mean enough?

Gene Weingarten: Nah. Liz, do you have time to link to a piece I wrote about a week after 9/11, in Style? About when it was okay to laugh again? Search for my name and Onion, and the week of Sept. 13-20 or so.

washingtonpost.com: Not Funny: The Rules of Humor Changed on Sept. 11 (Post, Sept. 18, 2001)

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Foggy Bottom's question about buildngs at inappropriate addresses reminded me of Stan Kelly-Bootle's term "Auto-Antonym", which is a word that can mean opposite things depending on context. For example, "fast" can mean "speedy" or "immobile", while "oversight" can mean "guidance" or "neglect." Got any favorites?

Gene Weingarten: Ooh, those are good. I'll have to think about this.

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Baltimore, Md. - Hopkins: Gene:

Your question about the bone marrow was incredibly ill-informed. Jeez! You'd think these comedy writers would have some sense, but nooooo.

If you had bone marrow that only would work for your pet or an old geezer, you'd of course give it to both! It is not something you are going to run out of, you moron. Not only that, sometimes they take the marrow cells, and GROW them until they have enough for what they want.

man, oh man.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, this is a good point!

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, I think we're done for the day! Now that the vicious stuff is REALLY starting to pour in.

I can reveal that this chat got more posts than any chat in the entire history of regular host Washington Post chatdom. So thank you.

I am on a cover story now that will be requiring some travel, but I expect to be doing chats from whereever I am. And updates. Will keep you posted.

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UPDATED 9.21.05

Gene Weingarten: Oh, I forgot to mention this yesterday. I imagine you were all watching the Skins, but did anyone watch the Orioles-Yankees game on Monday? It was some of the worst announcing I've ever heard. The play by play guy, whoever it was, kept making egregious errors and observations that were flat-out wrong, or silly. I watched, laughing, thinking he could not possibly get worse. Then in the bottom of the ninth inning, Yankee right fielder Bubba Crosby hits a walk-off home run, and the guy says: "The Orioles win, 3-2."

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Begging the atheist question: I think you were a little hard on the person who asked last week why atheists don't act completely selfishly all the time. I would venture -- dare I say -- that you begged the question.

Your answer was basically "I am moral because I have a moral compass." That is at best an answer to a simple, uninteresting question ("Do atheists have a moral compass") and at worst begging the interesting question "In the absence of deity, on what do you base your moral compass?"

Boiling it down further, the question really is "Given that you have a moral compass, what is its pole?" For example, I can answer the same question by saying I follow the teachings of Jesus, because I believe he was God. You could disagree or think I'm stupid, but it's an answer.

The interesting philosophical question is what is moral? Or how do you define moral, absent an outside standard of conduct?

So -- asking in all friendliness and not being bitter or anything else (hard to convey in a chat) -- As an atheist, where does your standard of morality come from?

Gene Weingarten: As an atheist, and a human, I believe that one should strive not to hurt people, I should try to conduct myself in a way that contributes in some way, even a small way, to the public good. That I should keep my promises and carry out my responsibilities, particularly to my family, whom I have a strong obligation to. I brought my children into the world and I have an obligation to help them navigate it as best as I can.

I believe, in most cases, it is clear what is the right thing to do, and what is the wrong thing to do, and I try to stay on the right side as often as I can.

I don't think ethics and morals are all that difficult, in general.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, and I should add one thing. Being an atheist does not mean rejecting religious teachings. I find much to admire in the Bible. The lessons taught by Jesus contain remarkable wisdom. Darwin, too. And Gandhi. And Kierkegaard. And Clarence Darrow. And Adlai Stevenson. Shakespeare: An amazing humanist. You know? There is a lot of value out there. Much of it is religious, and much of it is not.

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Wasington, D.C.: Gene, I had to write in to defend Marc Fisher's comments about pet owners in New Orleans and to make a comment of my own. I think when Marc Fisher made his comments he was as baffled as I am at the priorities of many pets owners. There was no way rescuers were going to make room for pets in lieu of rescuing people, so staying with one's pet was both futile and possibly fatal.

My comment is on pet ownership in general. I am originally from Ghana and when we moved to the States, I was truly amazed and shocked at the time, money, and energy people spent on their pets. To this day, my family and I are truly amazed at people who can weep and carry on as if it is the end of the world at the prospect of the discomfort of an animal, but don't bat an eyelash when they pass a homeless person on the street or see human suffering on the news.

I am fully prepared for the onslaught of venom from some animal lovers, but please keep in mind that I am not advocating roasting kittens and puppies, just a healthier reaction to what the Marc Fishers of the world have to say about reasonable pet ownership.

Gene Weingarten: No venom here. The venom comes in the next posting, which is a somewhat opposing view, and which I am publishing only because Marc Fisher urged me to. He thought it was "fun," which is one of the reasons I like Marc Fisher.

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Not Funny in D.C.: Gene, the ongoing discussion about Mr. Fisher's supposed "sensibilities" related to animals seems to involve one side saying "Mark Fisher is wonderful and brilliant and it's just weird that he seems to want to cause agony and indignity to living, feeling creatures," while the other side says "Mark Fisher is wonderful and brilliant and his positions with respect to animals are either valid or are fair comment."

Unfortunately, the story runs considerably deeper.

Fisher hates animals; he regards them as filthy and dangerous, and he has admitted that. He has selected a particular horse for slaughter and eating the, umm, result. He apparently enjoys confrontational, animal-related debates, where he uniformly takes the position that animals are -- literally -- inanimate objects, not "alive" in any respect but for growth, physical repair, and movement.

There are 15 defining traits of a serial killer. Jeffrey Dahmer exhibited seven. Fisher exhibits at least four. It is disgusting that The Post gives him a forum. There is no question in my mind but that Fisher's moral under-development manifests itself in other ways, which will eventually be revealed, to The Post's humiliation.

Gene Weingarten: Now, here's my question. Even if you are an animal lover, would you rather spend an evening with Marc Fisher, or this guy?

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Time Traveler: Why not just bring the 911 Report with you when you zap back in time? Bring 100 copies... drop them at the FBI, White House, Congress. For that matter, bring a DVD of the senate hearings. Sheesh. Sometimes men make things too complicated -- go the FBI, dress nice. Oh brother.

Gene Weingarten: Don't be an idiot. As anyone knows, time travel does not permit anything but the corporeal body. You arrive naked. Which poses a problem of its own.

I've always wondered about that, because I'd be lost without my glasses.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, and this raises another question. What do you do about arriving naked.

I believe I have the perfect solution. You arrange to arrive at 4 am, in the middle of a large clothing store.

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UPDATED 9.22.05

Not Madison, but...: What about the trend to hijack boy's names for baby girls?

We gave our second son the middle name "Aubrey" after a much loved and admired mentor of both my husband and myself. (DH prevailed over the pregnancy hormones that would have resulted in its use as a first name.)

So far, two or three people have told me that they've known of recent babies with that name -- all girls (and probably with some cutesy spelling like Aubree).

Will he hate us more for "Aubrey" than for, say, "Elmo"?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this is an outrage. I have reflected on this before: Shirley, Beverly, Joyce, Evelyn, Ashley, Toby, Vivian, Jody, Meredith. All hijacked by women. It goes on and on. Whereas no one is naming baby boys Tiffany. I know of not a single example of the reverse trend.

My favorite fact in this regard: Eveyln Waugh was married to a woman named Evelyn. That precisely indicates the moment that name flipped genders.

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Detrit, US: In honor of National Preparedness Month, I have to direct your attention to the perversely humorous "FEMA for Kids" Web site. The site itself is rich in irony, so I wouldn't have singled out the hapless Mike Brown for further abuse, except for the deliciously appropriate logo at the top of his one-page biography. 

Gene Weingarten: Holy crap. That logo is astonishing. The fact that it is a cute lil' black person is, well... words fail me.

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Speaking of Nabokov: You are Humbert Humbert!

His (truncated) pubescent experience with a nymphet created a lifelong obsession. When I was a teenager, my high school received several bomb threats. They were all lies, but they kept students out of the buildings for hours. If I woke up and it was 9/4/01 and I didn't have the benefit of months of research, I would go from payphone to payphone, making threats to airports, agencies, and the targeted buildings. I would outline the events in as much detail as I could, saying, I am a representative of Al Qaeda, and this is going to happen.

Gene Weingarten: You'd be caught, arrested, they'd realize you were just a harmless schmuck, and thrown in jail. 9/11 comes off as planned.

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Lincroft, N.J.: Auto-antonym: cleave (not original, from a list I read once).

Gene Weingarten: Right. Good one.

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Humor, ME: O great keeper of comedy.

Can you please explain to a simpleton like me the difference between irony, sarcasm, and satire? I had thought that irony only applied to situations where the outcome of a situation was in direct conflict to the essence of a thing involved (e.g., a fire station burns down). But the Post ran a story a few weeks ago on a group of New York kids listening to rap music whilest proclaiming to "Kill Whitey"; they claimed to be being ironic where I assumed they were being satirical.

So who's right -- me or the New York kids (gosh I hope not)?

Gene Weingarten: Irony is when something happens that is the opposite of what one expects. A water-safety expert drowning in the bathtub. Satire is any sort of humor that makes fun of something. Virtually everything I write is an effort at satire. Someone as brilliant as you are knows what sarcasm is, obviously.

Parody is when you write something that exaggerates the flaws in something else, for the purposes of humor.

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UPDATED 9.23.05

Knoxville, Tenn.: Gene, from the result of today's survey, could you make the case that liberals are NICER than conservatives? I've long believed this.

Gene Weingarten: You could. But you could also say they are more hypocritical. It is hypocrisy to do something and feel guilty about it.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: I read your chat after it was over, but I want to add my theory about the "grammatical error" referenced by B.C. I think Hart is saying that absurdly picky grammarians would point out that "the people" is singular while "we" is plural. Hart is also implying that such pickiness is wrong when a phrase sings for more than 200 years.

Gene Weingarten: "The People" is singular? So you would write "The people is going to form a more perfect union." We think not.

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Minneapolis , Minn.: 1. It would help if you posted the traditional lyrics to "House of the Rising Sun".

Traditional

There is a house in New Orleans
Call it the rising sun
And it's been the ruin
Of many a poor girl
And me, oh lord, I'm one

If I'd listened what my mama said
Be at home today
Bein' so young
And foolish, my lord
Let a gambler lead me astray

My mother was a tailor
Sews new blue jeans
My sweetheart's is a drunkarad, lord
Drinks down in New Orleans

Go tell my baby sister
Never do what I have done
Shun that house in New Orleans
They call it the rising sun

Goin' back to New Orleans
Race is almost run
Goin' back to spend my life
Beneath, beneath, beneath, oh lord
Beneath, oh now
Beneath the rising, rising sun
Now, now

There are several versions, the one with:

My mother was a tailor,
she sews new blue jeans.
My lover was a gamblin' man,
down in New Orleans.

Is my favorite -- because it sounds like she killed him while he was drunk and abusive and has to go to jail. I don't know why it is my favorite -- it just is.

2. I think the bra/tennisball combo is to keep you sleeping on your side. Sleeping on your back allows muscles in the throat to be at their most relaxed state -- causing snoring. It is a terrible postion if you have sleep apnea.

I just politely roll my boyfriend over when he snores (it isn't that often). He knows what I'm doing and rolls without even waking up now.

3. Preventing 9/11 -- ummmm.... call in a anomous bomb threats -- to the twin towers and the airlines. The will evacuate.

Then send anonomus tips to the FBI about the hijackers and the plan. There should be enough for the FBI (all on flights at the same time...) to pull them in.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes. Thank you. Whorehouse. Woman.

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Driving Manu,AL: The person taking exception to your using brakes instead of transmission braking is an idiot. Brakes are made to slow down the car, and cost about 200 bucks each to replace every once in a long while. Your transmission and clutch cost $2,000 + to replace once, and every time you engine brake, you are putting a ton of strain on all of the really pricey stuff. Yes, race car drivers do it, and guess what? They have their engines rebuilt every week. The car talk guys also have very strong opinions on this exact topic.

Gene Weingarten: Absolutely true. The only reason to break with the engine is the not insignificant one that it feels rather cool. (Or for traction in circumstances where traction is being severely tested.)

I don't do it. I want my car to last.

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Gene Weingarten: This just in from Will Gorham:

Another fact for the poster who middle-named a son Aubrey.

As you said, Evelyn Waugh was married briefly to a female Evelyn. His second marriage was to Laura Herbert, whose father's name was Aubrey.

(Aubrey Nigel Henry Molyneux Herbert)

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