Chatological Humor*
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Tuesday, November 8, 2005; 12:00 PM
* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.
He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.
He'll chat about anything... especially wedded bliss .
The transcript follows.
Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .
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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.
We welcome to this chat Ms. Francine Uenuma, who is our producer today in the absence of Ms. Elizabeth Kelly, whose whereabouts will be disclosed in exciting detail below. Several things must be noted about Ms. Uenuma, not the least of which is that her surname and the word "unusual" share FIVE u's as well as a descriptive harmony. If the unusual Uenuma vacuumed while ululating, the world might end in a huge deluge.
But we are not here to make fun of Ms. Uenuma's name. We are here to make fun of Ms. Uenuma. I know only those things about her that she told me yesterday. Here they are:
1) She is 22 years old. 2) She is a student of Krav Maga, a fierce Israeli martial art; and, 3) She has a trampoline beside her desk, and uses it frequently at work.
Now, I have never met Ms. Uenuma, but I simply cannot get this last fact out of my mind. She is probably boinging this very moment. This image will haunt me for the duration of the chat.
On to the adventures of Ms. Elizabeth Kelly, AKA Chatwoman.
Most intimate moments in the storied history of the art of instruction - protege science - remain unknown, lost to the march of time: What Socrates must have felt (other than lust) as he watched a young Plato master his first theorem; the elation of Freud when Jung first grasped the concept of superego; that magical moment when Dik Browne watched his little son Chris first take up pen to draw "Hagar the Horrible." (Okay, some protege moments are greater than others, but you see my point.)
So imagine my pride, and the lump in my throat, when I report to you today on the whereabouts of my protege, the young and talented Liz Kelly. Lizzie is in St. John, where she is eloping.
Eloping! DO YOU HEAR THAT, YOU BIG-WEDDING MONSTERS? CAN YOU FEEL THE PAIN, YOU MEGA-NUPTIAL PROFITEERS FROM THE DEMONIC FLORAL AND CATERING INDUSTRY? Eloping! My babygirl is sneaking off to get married! His name is Matt Nelson, she'll be back next week, and you bachelors out there have no idea what you've just missed out on. (Though I am reliably informed that the high-flying Ms. Uenuma is single. However I am also informed that Krav Maga is a potentially LETHAL martial art. )
Okay, lessee. Last week I promised you a shot at griping directly to the head honchos at The Post, through my in-house critique. Sixty determined people got their plaints into me by my draconian 9:45 a.m. deadline, and I wound up using five. (I would have used more, but almost half of you broke the rules, submitting generalized criticisms or compliments instead of specific reactions to that day's paper.)
As I suspected, the Post management has asked that I not reprint the entirety of this document, though they have permitted me to excerpt, paraphrase, and summarize. Which I will now do:
The critique began with a reference to the fact that many of these critiques are filled with dire predictions for the future of our craft, and nitpicky attempts to re-edit the paper. This is the top of it:
"How can we still wonder why our profession is swirling counterclockwise down the toilet in a maelstrom of irrelevancy, a relentless vortex fed by the fetid stench of our shocking ineptitude, when we keep making the same idiotic, reader-unfriendly mistakes? Today is a case in point, in our very own newspaper, where, as any moderately talented journalism student would understand, the photo at the top of page 12F should have been cropped one-sixteenth of an inch lower so that ...
"What? Oh, sorry. Been reading too many critiques.
"Listen, I left my house at 10 a.m. this morning and went in search of anything within walking distance that I could purchase for 35 cents or less. (I live in downtown DC, across from Eastern Market, so this wasn't an empty exercise.) I just got back, and I have my purchases arrayed on the table before me. They are:
"A slice of liverwurst; a cardboard container of cole slaw the size of a shot glass; a two-inch strip of turkey jerky; an underripe singlet banana; a raw chicken gizzard; an age- wrinkled cucumber ("Still good for pickling!") and The Washington Post of Nov. 2, 2005 . "
What followed was an elaborate listing of the great stories in the Post that day, beginning with the astonishing scoop by Dana Priest disclosing the existence of a shadowy web of CIA-run prison camps in which no normal rules of decency need apply. My point was that if we can't sell this product, for 35 cents, our marketing people aren't trying hard enough.
I trashed the paper for only one thing: The egregious mistake, compounded daily (haha) of running "Dilbert" in the Business section. I also said the most nintentionally funny story that day was inside the Metro section, an article about a graffito found in Charles County that "included a word sometimes used pejoratively about black people." The story then added that it was possible this word referred only to Halloween. Out of delicacy, presumably, The Post declined to specify the middlin' epithet in question. This resulted in what was, in my opinion, a totally ridiculous but highly entertaining story. After a full hour debate, my wife finally figured out what the word must be, which made us laugh even more. This story was a silly mistake. Simply not a story. In my opinion.
Then I published the five surviving reader critiques, and said I agreed with the first two. . Here they are:
"I personally find The Post's recent policy of printing supposed rationales for the use of anonymous sources rather ridiculous. More often than not, the "rationale" does nothing to explain either the true reason (almost always fear of something) why the source would not want their identity disclosed, and often it is just a non sequitur put in apposition to the fact of anonymity; in some cases, moreover, there is no rationale given at all, lending the entire exercise an air of futile arbitrariness.
"Presumably, the reason that The Post is attempting to explain the rationale for the anonymity is to allow readers to make the judgment for themselves as to the trustworthiness of those sources given their possible motivations; by , but by just allowing reporters to pay a half-assed lip service to that goal, all that is accomplished is the wasting of column inches/screen space. An example from today's paper:
"Malek's group, which since 1999 has been at the forefront of local efforts to bring a baseball team back to Washington, has in recent months sought to keep as low a profile as possible to protect what it once thought was its favored status and deflect criticism that it was campaigning against rival groups, according to people close to the Malek group, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the sale was at a sensitive stage."
"[T]he sale was at a sensitive stage" just isn't a rationale, because it doesn't address how the anonymity changes the scenario. Were these sources afraid that identifying themselves would somehow refocus unwanted attention on the group in a way that cooperating anonymously wouldn't do? Were the sources aware that their cooperation (whether anonymous or not) was likely to refocus that attention, and were requesting anonymity out of a fear of reprisal? Those are the sorts of distinctions that are needed to let a reader make a judgment about the source, and perhaps more importantly to show that the reporter has done their due diligence to make sure that the information is actually newsworthy.
(Sweth Chandramouli, Alexandria)
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I am a Pisces. My horoscope today tells me: "PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). You'll wisely work harder on yourself than you will on any project or job. Personal development pays off in unforeseen ways. Being well-rounded will allow you to talk with just about anyone, and this leads to great opportunity."
What a load of bollocks.
The Post should be ashamed of itself allowing this inane, pointless drivel in the paper day in day out. Not only are the horoscopes a waste of valuable space that could otherwise be used for something informative (even an ad would contain actual information about something and therefore be more useful) but I think running them is actually harmful and in violation of the Post's otherwise strong adherence to serving the community. Many people (and as a child I was one of them) assume that there must be some factual basis for astrology because, after all, they wouldn't put it in the newspaper otherwise. There is no factual basis for astrology. Even Dave Barry is required to make it clear when he is,and is not, making stuff up. If you insist upon continuing to run these monstrosities on the grounds that "people like them, read them and would be upset if they were removed" couldn't you at least do a feature on how these predictions are arrived at, compare different papers' respective horoscopes and look into the question whether any of them display any hint of accuracy? Well no, I suppose you couldn't because such an expose would make it clear what we all know anyway which is that the horoscopes are just a space filler that some people take a little too seriously. But that's a problem, no?"
(Karin Robinson, London, England)
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The Post's coverage of the Capitals and hockey is woefully insufficient. I understand and accept that Washington is not a "hockey town," but that doesn't mean that those of us who do follow the sport deserve second-rate, shoddy, and spotty coverage of the team. Today's article about the possible and distant return of Ivan Majesky makes an absurd claim, calling him "a bona fide top-four defenseman," which is ludicrous to anyone who's paid attention to the sport for more than two or three years. This is illustrative of the Post's approach to hockey coverage in general: Stick a good reporter on the beat, let him make his bones on a job analogous to covering high school track, and then move him to a more plum assignment. For an example, see the 2002-2003 work of Jason La Canfora. He was very, very good and was rewarded with the Redskins beat.
I understand column inches cost money and need to be justified by an ability to generate printed ad revenue. Where's the hockey fans' e-mail column like Tom Boswell's offering for the Nats? Where's our on-line only material including a weekly chat? It's clear that Barry Svrulga, Dave Sheinin, Tom Boswell, Jason La Canfora, Len Shapiro and the rest of the Sports section care deeply about their beats and give fantastic insight. Why can't hockey fans get the same in a town with a professional team?
(Matt Hoerig, Alexandria)
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(Believe it or not, four readers wrote with some variation of the following observation. This woman's was the funniest. Apparently, our Web site suffers a glitch when it tries to accommodate accent marks:)
I can only assume that the term "rsum" (used twice in David Ignatius' column on the rise of the Republican power-elite) is some kind of cryptic Post or East Coast shorthand for "resume." Why Ignatius couldn't just write "c.v." instead is unclear. Then again, I'm not from around there. Perhaps my preference for the use of straightforward English in a newspaper of record is indicative of a hopeless lack of sophistication here in the hinterland.
(Laura Seay, Austin, Texas)
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(And lastly, believe it or not, the following complaint has been echoed by about TEN other people. This really, honestly, genuinely bothers people. This woman said it best:)
Each day when I read the online version (for the record, I'm also a subscriber but check in for updates and chats), I am inundated with ads for Lamisil. These ads are disgusting--they all feature some version of a toenail that has been infected with some horrible sort of fungus that is apparently nearly impossible to treat. As if line-drawing depictions of diseased digits weren't bad enough, in some ads, there is AN ANIMATED FUNGAL TOENAIL LIFTING FROM THE NAILBED!
Worst of all, one cannot escape these ads simply by squinting and shifting one's sight slightly to the right--at this moment, on the "In Case You Missed It" transcript page, there are two ads--one banner ad on the left, and one box ad on the right. One day, there were four of these ads on one page. Sometimes the banner ads actually *chase* you as you scroll down. There is no escaping the animated fungal toenail.
I understand that "thick, discolored, flaky" toenails are a scourge upon society (especially in sandal season). I know that we should be grateful to Novartis for providing a remedy and for letting those who do have toenail fungus know that they are not alone. But I feel nauseated every time I see those ads, even the ones without the animated fungal toenail. Sometimes I even get the shivers.
Please help me.
(Kari Tervo, Arlington)
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Okay, then? This intro long enough for you, yet?
Today's poll is turning out to be cataclysmically important, for what it says about the stunning neuroses of the two sexes, as they relate to one another. As always, I will analyze midway through.
The Comic Pick of the Week is Sunday's Pearls Before Swine. First Runner-Up is Sunday's Candorville. The honorables: Friday's Speed Bump, Friday's Out of the Gene Pool, Sunday's Frazz.
Let's go. Finally.
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washingtonpost.com:
Comic Pick of the Week: Pearls Before Swine , ( Nov. 6 )
First Runner-Up: Candorville , ( Nov. 6 )
Honorable Mentions: Speed Bump , ( Nov. 4 )
Out of the Gene Pool , ( Nov. 4 )
Frazz , ( Nov. 6 )
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Chicago, Ill.: Greetings, any chance that the Tuesday Afternoon Irregulars could have a passive voice requirement today?
Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha. This is in reference to my column on Sunday, on Harriet Miers's writing. The institution of this requirement would have the result of an effectuation of an exodus from the chat of most readers, because comprehension of sentences that have been written entirely in the passive voice is compromised by the difficulty of comprehension inherent in any attempt to untangle meaning that may be contained therein.
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washingtonpost.com: Fuzzy and Harriet , ( Washington Post, Nov. 6, 2005 )
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Dear Jayson: Gene, what happened to the 3-week leadtime for your WashPostMag column? Harriet Miers withdrew much less than 3 weeks ago. Did you take a flyer on that story or are you just doing the time warp again? Doesn't this apparent discrepancy reflect on the credibility of the mainstream humor media?
Gene Weingarten: We stopped the presses. I changed it last week. This is one of the reasons The Washington Post is a great newspaper. No one even raised the issue of cost, and I'm sure it cost.
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Chantilly, Va. Well, the poll today proves one thing: Women are liars. That many claim "size doesn't matter"? Yeah, right.
Gene Weingarten: See next post.
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Poll, Maine: You silly boys. We really don't care about size. How many times do we have to tell you? And check out the women's responses -- we really, really don't care if you're rich and powerful. Sheesh.
But that last one really threw me -- they don't WANT that? Mom was right. I have GOT to stop putting out on the first date.
Gene Weingarten: I really like this poll.
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Fairfax, Va.: Gene,
I thought I'd pass this along, due to the rampant discussion of VPL in this chat.
Have any other men out there ever suffered from VML? The M could stand for manhood, although for comedy's sake, I thought "mushroom" would be funnier.
I've noticed that when I wear certain types of pants, usually khakis, for some reason the...um, ridge...of certain parts of my anatomy forms a horizontal line. Normally, I might have to do some uncomfortable tucking to fix this problem, but since I'm in my mid-twenties, un-married, and don't know how to iron, this problem is easy enough to hide.
My question is, is VML as acceptable to women as VPL is to men? I feel this needs to be explored.
Oh, an for what it's worth, I work for the government.
Gene Weingarten: A male cameltoe, eh? Has anyone else noticed this?
Boy is this a classy chat. We should all be filled with pride.
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Bathroom, D.C.: Gene,
The other day a funny thing happened to me in the women's room and I knew I had to write in. (I bet you get that a lot). I was alone in the bathroom, when another woman came in. I did the normal female thing and became quiet and waited for her to leave again before I resumed my business. Apparently I was too quiet because she didn't realize I was in there and on the way out turned off the lights. It was pitch black now in the bathroom! Not that you really need light for this kind of thing but it was very disconcerting and made me briefly consider not being so silly in the future.
Gene Weingarten: Excellent! Thanks for sharing.
Gene Weingarten: The class goes on and on..
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Washington, D.C.: Gene, I'm a mid-20s female and agree with everything you have ever had to say in your chat on love etc. One of your poll questions today was pretty timely for me: long story short, serious on-again off-again boyfriend of three years ended it for good last week. One of his big reasons? My professional success AND HEIGHT emasculate him. I am a half-inch shorter than him in our stocking feet. And professionally, well, he's in graduate school and I have a budding little career. Emphasis on little.
So, was he just making up excuses to end it, or is he just ridiculously insecure? In any case, I'm pretty well rid of him probably and should stop moping, yes?
Love you!
Gene Weingarten: Yes, he is a jackass. I love you, too. Go find an actual guy with some self-confidence and a sense of shame, and honesty.
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Washington, D.C.: Gene, I am a single woman in my 20s and, like many female readers of this chat, I have a certain affection for your attitude toward relationships in general and the female participants in relationships more specifically. Given your take on whether it is appropriate for one spouse to divulge problems in the relationship to a third party, I'm wondering whether you can offer me solace on a related point. I prefer, generally, to keep the details of my dating life to myself. My friends, however, apparently envision us all as cast members of Sex and the City and demand to know details of every date, including my current feelings toward one beau or another. I politely demur, with the response that I prefer not to kiss and tell or some such aphorism. Rather than accept this, they now believe that I am a traitor to my gender and that it is abnormal for me not to want to share such details with my closest friends. I sense that I am right and they are wrong, but I could use some affirmation. To be clear, I have no objection to their sharing whatever they like about their lives; I just prefer not to join in. Thoughts?
Gene Weingarten: Well, obviously, you are the perfect woman.
If they persist, I would simply make stuff up. Start small, so it is believable (He is missing one toe) and gradually work up to details so astonishing (when really, really excited in intimate moments, he yodels Swiss army tunes...) until they figure out what you are doing. No more questions will be asked.
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Fair Lakes, Va.: Gene,
Who would have thought that two comics would both randomly use "synchronized swimming" as their punchline on the same day? Last Monday, October 31, Pickles and B.C. chose to do so. Coincidence?
Gene Weingarten: This sort of thing happens with some frequency. I no longer point it out, unless we hit a triple. A hat trick.
I think it goes to show that coincidence is an underappreciated phenomenon. This also explains why people are superstitious, believe in horoscopes and other mythologies. Something coincidental persuades them there is meaning to things that have no meaning. This is my deep thought of the day.
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Gene Weingarten: I bet no one has caught up with this post yet. I bet no one is reading this in real time.
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Behavior, Miss.: Gene- the other day I had an exchange with another, in which exchange I behaved badly (a boderline jerk). I presented my point of view, which I believe was valid and rather humanistic, in a style that was unbecoming and just plain wrong. The other individual took great offense (acting in return, even after a cooling off period, as an unmitigated jerk). He was not troubled in any way by the style of my presentation. For a while I felt bad, because I had behaved badly. Now, though, I'm not so sure I should feel bad: am I now in the clear, given a greater jerkiness by a jerk who perhaps has overlooked my own?
Gene Weingarten: I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.
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Aptonym, N.Y.: The special teams coordinator for the New York Giants is named Mike Sweatman.
Gene Weingarten: I know!
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Philadelphia, Pa.: I read about your background in Washington Post Writers Group. You won two Pulitzers?? Wow...what were the articles? I sure hope not about VPL. I do know that your more 'serious' features were very touching
Gene Weingarten: Huh? What? I never won no Pulitzers.
Unless this was misleadingly written, it said that Tropic magazine won two when I was its editor. One by Dave Barry and one by Michel DuCille, for photography. We were finalists for two more. Personally, I have none.
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Augusta, Ga.: Gene,
I can hardly believe no on mentioned this to you last week. On "Countdown" with Keith Olbermann, 2 weeks ago now, he had a story about some guy that was drying out his poo, smashing it to dust, then sprinkling it on donuts and such in a grocery store! I guess it would be obvious to say that customers buying said donuts complained to the store about the awful taste. He was caught by security camera, in the act of sprinkling. But the funniest part, to me, was Keith interviewing one of the talking-head criminal profilers....the caption underneath was "criminal poo-filing."
Gene Weingarten: With reference to a previous chat, here is one of the few cases where I might leave the punishment up to the victims.
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Anonymous, Maine.: Gene, you were talking about loyal spouses. I have to tell you about my wife. As happens to (many) 50+ men who have enjoyed a happy active life of amour, sometimes the equipment decides to go into retirement prior to expectations. For the last several years I have been watching those ED commercials with extreme interest, but alas to no avail. One evening, I happened to overhear my wife, who was sitting at the kitchen table dishing with her oldest friend...someone she has known for 10 longer than she has known me...and her friend was complaining about HER husband's problems in the winkie department. After listening to her friend plaints for several minutes, my wife said, "I am sorry," and changed the subject. She earned her Christmas present that day.
My stock answer when talking about my marriage is "My wife is the best thing that ever happened to me." She is even though sometimes I grit my teeth and repeat the mantra "this too shall pass" in order to keep from saying something that I will later regret. My wife and I might disagree, but it's a disagreement between us, and none of your business, actually.
I'll have to say though, that I have been exposed to the advantages of being discreet. After wife #1 decided she wanted to be ex-wife #1, I was packing up my stuff to move out and I found evidence of probable indiscretions on wife #1's part. I was in the middle of a pretty reasonable divorce at the time, and could see no benefit of muddying the water. Things worked out for me well, and I never told spouse #1 about my discovery. I did tell wife #2 several years after we were married because I know she wasn't telling anyone.
Gene Weingarten: Dude, you got a keeper.
You also may BE a keeper.
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Tucson, Ariz.: Hi Gene, Here's something to add to your list of weird bathroom behavior. I play the usual waiting game in the stall because I like to poop in privacy. However, I get highly embarrassed if anyone should use the stall next to me because I don't have anonymity.
I'm a woman of color and I live in the Southwest, so I get to wear open-toed shoes almost all year long. I'm the only woman of color in my office. So if the woman in the stall next to me looks over at my feet, she'll immediately know I'm the one holding out until she leaves.
I'm ashamed to say this, but I'm a 30 year old woman who's scared to poop at work because people will know I poop. Maybe I should see a therapist about this.
Gene Weingarten: The truth about life, according to Vonnegut:
All men are jerks and all women are nuts.
No need to see a shrink, sweetie. You're perfectly normal.
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Washington, D.C.: Gene, I am one of your mid-twenties female fans, and I really hold you in high esteem (though not in a panty-throwing sort of way. Sorry). As a man of a certain age, perhaps you can help me with a romantic, erm, issue that has dropped in my lap. I met a nice man through some friends last week, and he has expressed a lot of interest in me, which is great. I think he's very interesting and awfully hilarious. The situation is also refreshing because I appreciate a man who is honest about his interest, rather than one who hedges in order to save face. The problem is that his maturity stems from his age; he is about 20 years older than I am. My question, then, is whether or not I should actually trust that he is emotionally mature. How can he be if he is interested in someone closer to his kid's age than his own? And how can his interest possibly be genuine? Good grief, he has more in common with my parents' generation than my own! Should I continue getting to know this guy, or should I cut my losses early and aim for some who's only a decade older, or even my age?
Thanks, Pops! I know I can trust your judgment.
Gene Weingarten: You ought to direct this to Hax, who actually knows what she is talking about. As opposed to me. But offhand, I would say that the only troubling thing you've mentioned so far is how much this sort of worries and even disgusts you. That's not good. There's something wrong there.
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Colorado: The only reason I know that most men don't care that much about breast size is that I have very small breasts (think Portia De Rossi) but I've never had too much trouble getting guys interested in me.
However, once things get going, I start to wonder if they wish I was bigger. Should I just assume that if a guy wants to date me and wants to fool around with me, that he likes the size I am?
Gene Weingarten: Yes!
Good God, you gals are nuts.
Then again, we think you want us to be built like a sixteen-ounce can of Bud.
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Washington, D.C.: O.K. Mr. Name Authority here's my question. I know you don't like names that are trying to make a statement (e.g. Madison) but what about naming your baby a name that is really popular right now. My husband and I really like a name that has been at the top of the baby names list for a few years right now. Will our soon-to-be-baby hate us someday if he is one of five Jacob's in his class? Who knew picking a name was so hard!??!
Gene Weingarten: Well, when we settled on Molly, it was almost unknown. A very weird and ancient-sounding choice. Two years later it was the third most popular girl's name. There were three Mollys and one Mollie in Molly's high school senior class. The point is, there is no way of knowing. These names have life cycles. I say if that's the name you want, go for it.
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Poll: Very interesting poll. I tried to be very honest; in other words, I tried to answer in the way that experience has shown me to be, not how I imagine that I am. Thank goodness this is anonymous.
Gene Weingarten: Virtually none of my polls would have any believability if they were not anonymous.
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Schadenfreu, Del.: With all the turmoil going on at the New York Times, are Post staffers generally gleeful that a rival is having such a hard time, or is there more of a journalistic bond that makes you feel bad for your colleagues? How do you feel personally?
Gene Weingarten: I don't think journalists find any joy when misfortune or turmoil befalls other journalists. I find none. One reason is that we so often find ourselves on the same side of things, when issues come up. We distrust authority. We like free speech. We're word people. And so forth.
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Springfield, Colo.: Gene,
I was thinking about how it annoys me when people lift links from Dave Barry's Blog and send them in to you as original submissions in order to get a pat on the back.
It made me think of the South Park episode with Butters, tagline: "Simpsons did it!"
Then I came upon an important theory: you (especially in chat form) are South Park to Dave Barry's Simpsons. Consider, vulgarity, distribution, fan base. This is by no means a put-down of either of you.
Discuss.
Gene Weingarten: Actually, I was unaware this was happening. I don't read Dave's blog as much as I oughta. Is this a common occurrence?
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Bethesda, Md.: I had just left Ecker's on Saturday when I saw you! You pulled up behind me in your Mazda with a Whitman Vikings sticker in the rear window. You were talking on a cell phone and while stopped at the light at Old Georgetown Road you removed a sticker from the front windshield to examine it. You followed me down Arlington Road and turned left on Bethesda Avenue. Does it creep you out that people know who you are and are observing you when you're unaware of it?
Gene Weingarten: Dang. Yes, it does. Actually, this sort of thing creeps my wife out, big time. I have no particular shame.
I was examining the sticker to see when I need an oil change. It turns out it was last month.
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Poverty-Stricken-Grad-Student-Land: I really thought hard about the question on the quiz re the man who is less ambitious, and will never have a high-prestige job/much money. I think the deciding factor for me is less with respect to his job/financial status but more in terms of his intelligence. I could imagine being happy with a college-educated, well-read, intellectually-my-equal tie salesman, but I would definitely balk at a high school grad who made tons of money at a medium-status job but who never read a book or thought deeply about serious issues. So I guess that makes me a smarty-snob, not a money-snob.
Gene Weingarten: Several women have posted similar thoughts.
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Stall #2: Gene, Vonnegut is right. All women could deal with some Freudian analysis re: toilet training. This is just absurd. You're in the bathroom for a REASON!
Gene Weingarten: It is a fact though. We have established it week after week, ad nauseam: Women know poop shame.
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Aptonym: The Freedom of Information Act Officer for NASA's Johnson Space Center is...Stella Luna. You have to love it.
Gene Weingarten: Holy cow! A DOUBLE aptonym. That's a hall of famer.
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Capitol Hill: I know Francine! Great gal. You're in good hands today, Gene.
Gene Weingarten: I am reliably informed that you are lying.
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Frazz Pro, PS: So, are there going to be special rules for your Olson's appearance with Jef next month?
Also, Slate agrees with you (and me) about Frazz. Granted, it's a throwaway line in a Calvin and Hobbes essay, but it's props nonetheless.
Gene Weingarten: I'm gonna be introducing Mallett at his book signing. The only rule, I think, is that I need to really humiliate him in some way. I'm working on it.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.: VML? Don't like it. Which is why it is hard for me to watch male ballet dancers. It's.. It's... Distracting!
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
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1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW., , Washington, DC: The "Scooter" Libby matter has me wondering. Under what circumstances would you consider:
(a) Perjuring yourself, or
(b) Refusing to turn State's evidence,
to save your boss' (e.g., "Tom the Butcher's") hide?
Gene Weingarten: I take the criminal justice system seriously. I don't think I would ever perjure myself, under any circumstances. I imagine many people would consider perjuring themselves in the sense of denying a crime they had actually committed. But I can't imagine committing a serious crime.
Because of that last thing, I can't imagine a situation where I would be asked to turn state's evidence, so I don't think I'd have an opportunity to decline.
I would go to jail to protect a promise I had made. That I have no doubt about.
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VPL-free, D.C.: As one of your many virtual-panty-throwing, neurotic-bathroom-behavior female fans, I wonder if you are aware of a site whose sole purpose is to eliminate VPL. And I support them. Sorry. Check out spanx.com . Just wanted you to know what you are up against.
Gene Weingarten: My God This is Horrible. This is morally corrupt, like an official Web site for NAMBLA. Authorities should shut this down.
"Perfecting the Graceful Exit" is a nice slogan, though.
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Washington, D.C.: I'm not trying to brag here because this is of course completely anonymous, but I have been told that I am moderately larger than average. And rarely has this been considered much of a positive as it can render things less enjoyable for my partner. More than one woman has expressed this view, so I have always found the view that size is so important to women a bunch of nonsense.
Gene Weingarten: Ladies?
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Confusi, ON: A little background on me: I'm a guy (in the Dave Barry definition), work in management for a labor work company, race bicycle competitively (yes I shave my legs), am single but was once engaged. My current vehicle is a company-owned cargo van that is used everyday by the employees of my company. As such, I try to not leave any personal items in the van during the work day. I have begun to carry a gym-bag, kind of like a sack with a drawstring that can be worn as a small back-pack, that I use to put items from the van into when I come into the office. It is important for you to know that this bag has the name of a very-specifically-sports company on it in large letters and I do use it for going to the gym, also. I have recently noticed that in addition to my mp3 player, car keys and phone charger, I have started carrying mints, reading material (book), sunglasses, pen and spare change in there. In fact, my wallet spent a large percentage of this morning in there. Occasionally, my phone resides there (when not installed on my hip). Here is my question for you: Am I carrying a purse around? If so, at what point did it become a purse? I suspect somewhere around the mints, but I could be wrong. Is there anyway to return this to the land of gym bag?
Gene Weingarten: I am laughing.
Yes, it was the mints, sissyboy.
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Burke, Va.: Harriet Miers' works read like my coworker's documents. We call it consultant-speak. I have a great time with the thesaurus.
Consultant: Gene facilitates a multi-person session on a week-by-week basis in order to identify and ascertain the humor in a variety of situations.
Translation: Gene hosts a humor chat with his readers and talks about funny stuff.
Gene Weingarten: Several people have noted that Harriet writes just like the guy in the cubicle next door. This is Washington, after all.
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(formerly) New Orleans, La.: Hello, Gene,
I was reading chat transcripts and wanted to comment on your "no talking negatively about the spouse to outsiders" philosophy.
We always had the same type of rule growing up in my family: we don't air the family business outside the family. My brother in turn, passed this on to his wife and neither ever discussed their problems with anyone but each other. No one saw this coming, but 2 years ago my brother was arrested for murdering 2 people. Apparently, he had a great deal of mental problems that no one was aware of, since he lived in a different city and state from the rest of us. Except for his wife, my sister in law. She knew there were problems, but didn't know what to do or how to handle them. She was so ingrained with not discussing problems with anyone else, that the rest of the family was blindsided.
My brother subsequently died in jail before ever coming to trial. But I often wonder if 2 deaths could have been prevented if she had opened up to someone in the family or a close friend who could help her get help for him. And perhaps my brother would also still be alive, as he died of a bleeding ulcer, something easily treatable in the outside world. Instead, as the coroner's report read, "he died in excruciating pain" over a period of 12 hours on a dirty jail floor.
I agree that it is wrong to talk about or trash your spouse to others over normal daily living issues. But problems need to be brought out, either to therapists or to close friends/family that can help. 3 deaths. That will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Sorry to down out the chat. Get back to weightier issues like poop, VPL, The Flash, etc.
Gene Weingarten: I debated posting this because it might all be hooey, but I decided it's probably real.
Listen, my stance on keeping things within the family has been misrepresented. My only point is that spouses are obliged to respect each other's privacy, and that extends to no trashing the other person behind his back with gossip and chitchat and whatnot -- but I specifically exempted therapy.
Staying quiet in the face of that sort of dysfunction is preposterous. For one thing, it's not a matter of disloyalty or gossip -- it is getting someone help for a serious mental problem. Ditto, in cases of runaway substance abuse.
The spouse who remains silent in the face of circumstances like these is being DISloyal to the spouse.
If you are making all this up, shame on you.
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WashPost aptonyms: Continuing from last week... Carolyn Hax is an anti-aptonym: she writes well. Lisa DeMoraes works in the swamp of television.
But imagine the possibilities if people changed things up. NY Correspondent: Bill Broadway, Automotive coverage: Susan deFord, Sports: Maureen Fan, Food: Jennifer Frey, Nonprofits & Associations: Tracy Grant. Is there a term for an almost-aptonym?
Gene Weingarten: And, presumably, I would cover Napa Valley.
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20009: As a middle-aged straight guy, what should my reaction be to the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders story?
I'm thinking that you can guess a man's age by where his meter reading falls between "Titillated" and "Appalled".
Gene Weingarten: You should be distressed that two young women ran afoul of the law. There is nothing ennobling about taking a prurient interest in the misfortunes of others, not even when it involves two really hot-looking bimbos who got arrested at 2 a.m. at Banana Joe's restaurant in Tampa because they locked themselves in a ladies room, apparently in order to have sex with each other; and then, when other patrons complained because they were hogging the bathroom, and broke in, and discovered them en flagrant, one of the undulating fornicatresses punched a patron in the mouth.
Francine, can we link to this story, so that our readers can understand the gravity of the misfortune that befell these two young women, and perhaps come away with an important object lesson about the dangers of excess and the need for moderation in all things?
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washingtonpost.com: 2 Panthers' cheerleaders arrested , ( St. Petersburg Times, Nov. 7, 2005 )
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Toe Fung, US: I completely agree with the toe fungus add lady. I actually stopped reading an article this morning when I was having breakfast b/c you COULD NOT ESCAPE that ad. They have the same ad in magazine (not quite as graphic and animated of course, but still gross enough). My roommate and I used to take that ad and put in the most unlikely of places to freak the other one out. Come to get into bed at night, fungus ad on pillow, step sleepy eyed into shower, fungus ad taped up by shampoo, you get the picture. When she moved out and left me to buy her own condo I made sure the first piece of mail she got was of course the fungus ad housewarming. But of course you're also talking about girls that would leave fake poop in the cereal box.
Gene Weingarten: This reminds me of the time I left Miami and drove north to my job at the post. I stopped at South of the Border, and bought a completely disgusting porn magazine. Hilariously revolting. Its title alone would make you snort milk out your nose.
Then I put it in an envelope and mailed it to Dave Barry. No letter, no return address, and an unfamiliar postmark.
The day I arrived at my new job, the magazine was waiting for me, in the mail. I called Dave and asked him how he knew it was me. And his answer cemented the fact that we were best friends. He said: "Actually, I didn't."
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Riverdale, Md.: Does "size" matter? Ever hear a 1940's or '50's R&B song called "It ain't the meat"? The chorus is: "It ain't the meat its the motion, that makes your -baby] wanna rock, it ain't the meat its the motion, its the movement that gives it the sock." I think that about sums it up. Oh, and I've heard recordings by both men and women.
Gene Weingarten: I didn't know that was from a song!
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Toilettown USA: Here is the set up. Men's bathroom. Office building. 2 urinals together on one wall with the sinks. three stalls on the other wall. If you come in and one urinal is occupied and you just need to pee where do you go? Does it make a difference if the urinals are different heights, which they are?
Gene Weingarten: You use a toilet. Any guy knows this. This is Guy 101.
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Cleveland Park, Washington, D.C.: What is Ms. Uenuma's position on the "Sloop John B."/"Hang On Sloopy" question?
Gene Weingarten: She may be too young to HAVE a position. Francine?
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washingtonpost.com: Wait...what's the question? Who? When? Please provide further information.
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Fairfax, Va.: Here's the exact text I saw recently on the paper wrapper for some chopsticks:
(Front)
Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual.
(Back)
Tuk under and held firmly tnurnb
Learn how to use your chopsticks
Add second chcostick
hold it as you hold a pencil
Hold tirst chopstick in originai position
move the second
one up and down
Now you can pick up anything:
My question: what's tnurnb?
Gene Weingarten: I am laughing aloud here.
Francine U: Can you find a column I wrote, either in 2000 or 2001, about my friend Megan and her ice cube tray? Search my name and Megan and cube, and you should get it.
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washingtonpost.com: Below The Beltway , ( Washington Post, May 6, 2001 )
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Camel: How old is the term "camel toe"? I only learned it a few weeks ago. Now I saw a reference on "Arrested Development" last night and another in this chat.
Or has it been around, and I just never noticed?
Gene Weingarten: Years. Years and years. For those who do not know it, you just need to Google it BUT DO NOT IMAGE GOOGLE IT IF YOU ARE IN A PLACE WHERE YOU SHOULD NOT IMAGE GOOGLE IT.
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Gene Weingarten:
Okay, the poll.
Boy, do we not understand each other. And boy, are we insecure.
Men believe women don't want them if they have low-paying, low-prestige jobs. Wrong. Women believe are obsessed with breasts. Wrong. Men believe women care quite a bit about the size of their package. Wrong. Women believe men would fear them if they have more prestige, money and power. Wrong. Women believe men won't love them if they're a little overweight. Wrong. And you know what else? I bet that this is what people of both sexes are thinking now: The other side is lying.
We're dysfunctional!
The only question the sexes saw the same way was what men wanted to get out of that first date. Which is interesting.
My answers were: That I'd be a little bothered by porky; that size is fairly important to women; that breasts are of no importance to me; that prestige and money is important to women; that if a woman was richer and more accomplished than me, this would make her more attractive to me; and that I wouldn't really expect or want sex on a first date.
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Washington, 20005: Gene,
Can we find out how women handle this bathroom scenario, which recently happened to me. I'm in the stall doing what I have to do when the cleaning crew comes in. I got out of there as soon as I could and walked past the cleaning man and washed my hands and left. So what would a woman do? She can't just wait it out, that stall has to be cleaned? Can we find this out?
Gene Weingarten: Okay. Let's hear it.
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Wow!: I think you beat your own record on the most lengthy introduction to the chat!
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I believe so. Though maybe not. One day I published a giant list of people's neurotic habits. That may have been longer.
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washingtonpost.com: In reference to the so-called "Sloop John B."/"Hang On Sloopy" question, that is...
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That Sneaky, LK: Liz foreshadowed your announcement! That sneaky genius: "He'll chat about anything... especially wedded bliss."
Gene Weingarten: SHE DID, SHE DID! I was waiting for someone to notice that.
(She also gave me permission to disclose her nuptials.)
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Fungus ad solution: Hey, you techno cave men, there's a real simple solution. Download Firefox and you won't see those annoying ads. And you won't be subject to so many viruses/worms/trojans. And you'll be sticking Bill Gates where it hurts.
Break your chains already! Dump IE! Browsers of the world, unite!
Gene Weingarten: Is this true?
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Poop Sha,Me: I never knew Poop Shame until reading this chat. This very morning, I went into the ladies room, to use it for the purpose it was designed, and felt compelled to sit, quietly, while two co-workers finished their conversation about hair-dressers.
I was happy in my ignorance, I wish I could go back to those happier days.
Gene Weingarten: You can't go home again. That's just the way it is. This chat is like Original Sin.
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Fairfax, Va.: I agree that Miers could benefit from writing more clearly and concisely, but the same lengthy pomposity of the preamble to the Declaration of Independence lends it a certain flavor of formality and history:
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
Gene Weingarten: Very, very true. Egad. Thom!
Hey, you know who was a great writer? Lincoln. Von Drehle -- who is among the leading authorities on Lincoln -- counts him as not only our greatest president, but possibly the greatest WRITER in American history.
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SLOooooowww: Is the Post's Web site slow for anyone else, or is it just me? It's taking like over a minute every time I refresh or submit a question. UGH
Gene Weingarten: Apparently, this is systemwide. Sorry.
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Help, ME: Gene,
I'm sick with worry over today's gubernatorial election in the Commonwealth -- couldn't sleep last night, can't do any work today, keep fidgeting and have butterflies in my stomach. I've also eaten eight pieces of chocolate, and it's only 11:30 am. Help! How can I keep myself preoccupied for the next 8-12 hours until the results are in? (In case you're wondering, I'm a Dem.)
Gene Weingarten: You know, because of Secret Exit Polls, the people at The Post probably know who won.
Though at this time in 2004, we were all pretty danged sure that Kerry won.
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Dr. Gene: What could be wrong with someone if they occasionally lose feeling in their fingers or chin?
Gene Weingarten: It's called "peripheral neuropathy," and it can be serious. But if it is serious (several diseases of consequence can present this way) it tends to get worse.
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Wow: Are you that stuck in the dark ages? Man you need to pimp your computer. Customize it for your individual desires. Don't accept the things that annoy you any more! Step out and be yourself!
Gene Weingarten: This is apparently becoming Geekchat. See next post.
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Chicago, Ill.: Fungus Ad Solution is an idiot if he thinks most work computers would even allow you to upload Firefox, and some don't even allow you to any Web sites that will let you do it. What a self-satisfied moron.
Gene Weingarten: Relax, nerdos. Take a few deep cleansing breaths.
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Firefox: It's true. Ask Pegoraro. Great browser, no pop-ups.
Gene Weingarten: Sigh.
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England: We are the overload inherent in the system!
Gene Weingarten: Could be!
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Re: cleaning crew: What would a woman do? Same as a man, in that situation. Right or wrong, poop shame (at least for me) is only a problem when you have to sit across the conference table with someone who knows you pooped an hour ago.
Gene Weingarten: You know no shame before Cleaning Crew Man? Hm.
This reeks of elitism.
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Washington, D.C.: Congrats to Liz! Eloping is definitely the way to go -- stupid wedding-industrial complex. My wife and I secreted away to St. John almost two years ago and got married on Trunk Bay beach. Do you know exactly where Liz is getting married? We told no one -- no parents, no friends -- but hired a videographer and photographer and shared that with loved ones when we returned.
Gene Weingarten: Not sure where, but I believe it is happening even as we speak. This has been a Big Secret.
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Please try your nice Chinese food: I HAVE THAT WRAPPER ON MY FRIDGE!!!
Aside from the typos, my favorite line on there was "Now you can pick up anything".
And the diagrams are great too.
My favorite food wrapper of all time, though, was a pack of sugar that said "USE REAL SUGAR IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU."
Gene Weingarten: The best I ever saw was that ice cube tray thing. Though this is pretty great.
One of my favorite Chinese restaurants in Lansing, Mich. had a dish on the menu that read, "Jumbo the shrimp."
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Long Ti, ME: Wow - we were 45 minutes in before the first, "what's wrong with me?" question...
Gene Weingarten: I know. This has been an eclectic chat.
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Size issues: I think one of the things that the size issue in men brings up is a lack of understanding of the female anatomy. And it probably means they're not really all that skilled in, um, the "ways of love." Guys, seriously, how about just paying attention to what girls want?
Gene Weingarten: SOME OF US PAY ATTENTION.
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Washington, D.C.: Here's one for ya, I called a random number that called my cell phone and didn't leave a message and got this answer: "Hello, -Name of] Funeral Home, my name is Angel, how can I help you?"
Gene Weingarten: Nice.
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Columbia, S.C.: Poll this week is delightful! I'm the guy who originally suggested the Weingarten Chat Dating Service a few months back - has anything more come of this? After preliminary results like this (only a few dozen responses so far), I would think there are an awful lot of reasonably groovy people out there who need to get together for drinks...
Gene Weingarten: It's still in discussion.
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New York, N.Y.: Thank you for this poll. It is the best rebuttal to that awful New York Times piece by Maureen Dowd, where she says no one will ever love me because I'm a headstrong intelligent woman. Blech, says this 30-something woman who is of the same political mind as Dowd.
Gene Weingarten: I thought that piece, and a previous one in the Times, were kind of hilarious. She is whining that she can't find a man, and then poses in slinky dresses and do-me shoes.
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Hypocrites: What really bothers me is men who will try to sleep with a woman on the first date and then if they succeed admit they think less of her or don't respect her as much. It's that kind of obnoxious thinking that makes me wonder if things will ever change. I don't even know how you would go about changing this line of thought.
Gene Weingarten: This is a good point. But, honestly, is a guy gonna say no? I would definitely not want or expect it, but am I gonna look like a dork and ... decline? I think not.
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Washington, D.C.: Hi Gene,
I've been trying the online dating thing for awhile, and I need your opinion on something. Is it horribly rude of me to ignore profiles or e-mails if they contain egregious spelling or grammar errors? I'm referring to things like "your" instead of "you're" and "their" instead of "there."
The "you're" one is the one that rankles me the most.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm a late twenties woman, if that matters.
Gene Weingarten: I could never be interested in a woman who was illiterate in that fashion. A total dealbreaker.
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Spanx a lot!: Still, you gotta love the word "spanx," don't you?
Gene Weingarten: It's good!
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Re: Spanx.com: VPL is trademarked????
Gene Weingarten: I noticed that. That's preposterous. That's like trying to trademark BYOB or BRB.
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Baltimore, Md.: Tony Kornheiser was complaining on the radio today that he couldn't write about the Carolina Panthers' cheerleaders because The Post had not written a story on it first. His premise was that he could not comment on a newsworthy item unless the readers of The Post were first made aware of that news in the Post itself. Apparently, we readers don't have the wherewithal to learn things in the media outside the confines of The Washington Post. Is this "policy" common to all columnists at The Post?
Gene Weingarten: No. I can't believe you heard him right. That makes no sense.
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Dog Question: This has nothing to do with anything previously discussed, but I'm wondering. Can dogs be gay? My housemate's dog (he's a boy dog), regularly seeks out a couple of particular male dogs who also frequent the dog park. Then, when being humped by these male dogs (one of whom is a giant bulletproof mutt named Bongo), he rocks back and forth and appears to have a grand old time. He doesn't show much interest in lady dogs. Also, he is always the humpee, not the humper. I hold no judgments whatsoever, but just wanted to know if any other pet owners have similar experiences to report, or if our doggie (we'll keep him nameless in case he's not ready to be outed) is alone in this.
Gene Weingarten: Harry was gay.
And Satchel is gay.
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Basement Suite, D.C.: Gene,
I am a twenty-something fan who hearts you. I think I saw you the other day at a restaurant. Was that you? I took a picture with my cell phone, and I added it to the shrine. Later on I'm going to burn some incense and and take a bath, while I think of your soft, bushy mustache, and soothingly nasal voice.
Sometimes when I'm at work I'll print off old Below the Beltway columns, and take them into the bathroom and read for hours, just letting the magic way you have with words reach deep into my soul.
Your deep insight into relationships has helped immensely with my partner, who is also named Gene. We never get into fights anymore, and our relationship has blossomed, especially since I don't let him out of the basement anymore. I can't wait until we can all finally be together. Soon.
Sincerely,
George
Gene Weingarten: Laughing here.
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NFL Aptonym: The Weight Training and Conditioning Coach of the Eagles last year was Dick Curl.
Gene Weingarten: The greatest sports name of all time: Chuck Studley, coach of the Dolphins in the 1980s.
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Washington, D.C.: RE: Liz eloping.
Great idea! My wife and I were married in the British Virgin Islands and, while we didn't elope, we had a very small party (10 guests, family only) who stayed with us at the resort for a week. It was a great time to get the family together, and I'm one of the few people I know who had his in-laws along on his honeymoon and survived. Small, intimate weddings are definitely the way to go.
We celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday, and we're expecting our first child in May. Best of luck, Liz (and Mr. Liz).
Gene Weingarten: Okay, we'll end on a note of warm treacle.
Again, apologies. For a few weeks, I will not be updating. But catch me here again on Tuesday. Same time, etc. Thanks for a good chat, and sorry about the slow-as-molasses server.
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