John Kelly's Washington Live

John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Fridays at 1 p.m. ET John is online to chat about his columns and mull over anything that's on your mind.

Discussion Archives / Recent Columns

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John Kelly: So, did you hear about the cell phone yakking bank robber? There was a story about her on the front page. She's robbed four banks, all while talking on her mobile. No one can really make out what she's saying. Some variation on "Can you hear me now?" one presumes. I think the reason people are incensed about her is that it's yet another example of how annoying cell phone addicts are. The only thing that would enrage Washingtonians more is if she was robbing banks while applying her make up. I can't wait till they catch her.

We don't get Veterans Day off here at The Post so I sometimes forget it's a holiday for others. And then I get to the Metro parking garage and find I can get a good spot. And I emerge from the Metro station and see that there's on-street parking. It's not quite a ghost town in D.C. today, but there's defnitely less hustle, and a shade less bustle, too. How many of you are off work today? Of course, if you are, you're probably not signed on to this chat.

This week's columns went a little something like this:

Monday: Answer Man explores the City of Light, that is, the buildings in Washington that are illuminated by colorful light bulbs.

Tuesday: Announcing, for one time only, the return of the neologism contest, to provide Metro with better "sniglets" for its current campaign.

Wednesday: The Parental Absolution Form. Have your teenager sign it today.

Thursday: Human smoke detectors, the Kennedy Center FedExes something across the street, "the rake's progress" and why Romanians eat hamburgers shaped like hot dogs.

Friday: Other veterans we shouldn't forget on Nov. 11.

Well that's enough from me. Let's hear what's from you.

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St. Louis, Mo.: Capital of the Free World? That's a good one, even Cokie Roberts sounds a little disapproving of what's going on in Washington right now. I'm from the area originally, but it's hard to hold my head up when the leader of the Fear World uses tactics that embrace views that he personally doesn't adhere to as a way of manipulating voter opinions to bait and switch his way to the top.

John Kelly: Don't confuse the locals with the politicos. Most of the Washingtonians I know don't manipulate anything other than the remote control and the occasional burrito. It's these carpetbaggers who come in from the rest of the country who mess things up.

As for what Fearless Leader actually believes, I'm not sure I know. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Let's say he did believe Saddam had WMD and that Iraq was connected to 9-11, both of which we now know are NOT TRUE. Let's say Bush's heart was in the right place and he really wanted to free the Iraqi people and plant the flower of democracy in the Middle East. These are all laudable goals. But the fact is, he messed it up completely. Totally bolloxed it, as our coalition partners, the British, might say. Who cares if his heart was in the right place when the execution leaves so much to be desired?

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Arlington, Va.: Regarding FedEx deliveries from one side of the street to the other, what I want to know: did the package have to cross the street by way of Memphis?

John Kelly: A good question, and the answer is "probably not." I'm assuming that the Kennedy Center used FedEx Ground. A FedEx spokeswoman told us that those get sorted at the local facility and then are delivered the next day. It may have gone to Beltsville or Alexandria.

There are stories, though, of firms in New York City shipping packages via Memphis to other firms IN THE SAME BUILDING.

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Just a Question: John, if you had your choice of being either Al Bundy or Homer Simpson, which would you choose?

John Kelly: That's not much of a choice, is it? Why can't I be Remington Steele or Jim Rockford? I guess it comes down to whether I would prefer pitching woo with Peg Bundy or Marge Simpson. I think I'm going to go with Homer.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Humm, human smoke detectors.

Our children certainly should be protected in case of fire and they need to go to school so some solution has to be found.

I would think temporary systems would be available. Given what policing high schools is like it probably doesn't hurt to have 8 extra people wandering around keeping an eye on things - like the security guards at retail stores that can tell you where different departments are or help the clerks during slow times.

Did she give you any indication what the people get paid to do that?

John Kelly: The county fire department told me they usually hire a private security company. The fire marshall seems unconcerned about it. It's evidently done all the time, whenever a smoke detector, alarm or sprinkler system is inoperative. I just like the image of these people, roaming the building, sniffing the air. I guess that's the way we used to do things.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: What do you think inspired Marion Barry to bring in Dr. Seuss and his trash-to-energy gizmo? Or was that a Willie Wonka creation?

John Kelly: I loved the name: the gasifier. And this quote from Marion Barry: "This is not a sham, not a game. This is the real stuff."

The real, trash-and-sewage-burning-perpetual-motion-machine that-sits-on-a-church-parking-lot-but-can't-be-turned-on because-the-ministor-got-in-a-fight-with-Marion-Barry stuff.

But what if it turned out to work? There'd be some irony in a machine invented and funded by indigenous peoples saving us all from our messy energy.

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washingtonpost.com: 'Gasifier' Promoted As Energy Answer (Post, Nov. 11)

John Kelly: From trash to treasure?

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washingtonpost.com: Robbing Four Banks, on the Phone All the While (Post, Nov. 11)

John Kelly: Here's the talkative bank robber story.

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Undisclosed Location, Crafty: FedExing across the street? The positives:

-- No liability for an employee getting hurt

-- No shortage of coverage for other events

-- You know the item got there and was received by someone

I use FedEx to return or send items within my Undisclosed City. If I go with 2nd Day Delivery which is usually delivered the next day, it costs less than messengering.

Plus, I don't have to deal with employee kvetching if the weather is too hot, too cold, too damp, too dry or too perfect ("Hey! Why couldn't I have delivered the items this time. You're a mean boss")

John Kelly: Granted. And there's one more reason: The KenCen told me they send these Millennium Stage fliers to around 60 places in D.C. I'm sure it's easier to keep track of them if they're all dispatched at once in the same manner. You don't have to have different piles or different envelopes, etc. The item in my column was too facile in some ways, but it was also irresistable. I mean this place is right across the street. Couldn't Leonard Slatkin have dropped it off on his way home?

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Columbia, Md.: Here is what you said in your Thursday's column. "This implement consisted of a length of warnished wood--about 5 feet long and as big around as a half-smoke." I may be dense, but what is a half-smoke? And did you ever find out what it was?

John Kelly: Um, it was a rake.

As for a half smoke, it's a kind of squat sausage. I must have been hungry this week while writing my columns. There was a lot of hot dog imagery there.

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washingtonpost.com: Half Smoke

John Kelly: Mmmmmmmm. Half smoke....

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Severna Park, Md.: When I was a kid, my sister and I wanted our mother to make hamburgers for dinner one time. She said she couldn't because she only had hot dog buns. So we said, you could make hamburgers in the shape of hot dogs. She did and as we were getting ready to eat them, my father remarked on their resemblance to excrement and no one was able to eat them.

My husband enjoyed The Ties that Legally Bind article so much he cut it out and saved it.

John Kelly: I have been informed by several readers that 7-11 sells a hamburger shaped like a hot dog. I stopped actually eating at 7-11 after I graduated from college, so I was unaware of this delicacy. My Lovely Wife commented that perhaps it was the Southland Corp. could save money on buns. Can anyone speak to the relative merits of the 7-11 hamdog? I'm guessing they don't have the same flavor as the Romanian mici.

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Van Ness, D.C.: Does Metro have any plans for HOV Metrorail lines? Can we pay extra to bypass stations?

John Kelly: The problem is that Metro is a single-track system, that is, a single track in each direction. If you go to some other cities--London, New York--you sometimes have multiple platforms in the same station. That way trains can bypass some stations, just shoot past them on an extra track. But we don't have that. We're always stuck behind the slow, broken down train ahead of us. Maybe the man who invented the gasifier could address the problem.

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Alexandria, Va.: I hope the woman who robbed banks while talking on the cell phone didn't also drive the get-away car while on the cell phone. That would just be wrong.

John Kelly: How much you wanna bet that's what they get her for. Just like Al Capone finally went down for tax evasion, the lady bandit will get nabbed for unsafe operation of a motor vehicle.

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Silver Spring, Md.: John,

Did you see the most recent finalists in the New Yorker cartoon caption contest? (The one with the guy in the space-suit affair.) I was appalled AND shocked. None of them were as funny as my entry: "Who Farted?" I think that I may be discriminated against because I enter that same caption every week. Jeez.

One another topic, you ought to check out the DC Guerilla Poets Insurgency that meets at Dupont circle a couple of times a month. Some of them are pretty good.

happy veterans day,

peace,

jim

John Kelly: I know I'm going to sound small-minded and provincial when I say this, but the words "poet," "guerilla" and "insurgency" when used in the same sentence have me wanting to run for the hills. But I've been criticized before for my inability to "get" poetry. But let me express it in haiku:

Amateur poets.

Would it kill them to shower?

My coffee grows cold.

As for "Who farted?"...it leads us to our next question.

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Arlington, Va.: Hi, John! How are you?

John Kelly: Whoops. That's the wrong next question. I meant to post the "gasifier" question after the "Who farted" question but I got mixed up. This is the problem with trying to do too many things at the same time, in my case thinking and typing. I'm gonna stop thinking now and just concentrate on the typing:

adjfkoier9,f]09l,adffjjkknvmlkjerhalfsmokejkjfda.

No, that's no good either.

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Wheaton, Maryland: Do you think any of today's youth have ever written any type of hard copy correspondence like cards and letters? All the ones I see only email and IM. Who is going to save email in an old shoe box?

John Kelly: I know that my youth have. We make them write thank-you notes. And they always write to us from summer camp. (Well, at least once.) But you're right, the digital message means we'll have fewer keepsakes. I don't think I've ever saved or printed out an especially moving e-mail message. Has anyone else?

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Fairfax, Va.: With regards to your recent column questioning why an intern wasn't dispatched to the shop across from the Kennedy Center to deliver flyers, the likely scenario is that the flyers were printed somewhere else. I doubt the Kennedy Center has 4 color presses in the basement. I would suspect that they rely on a local printshop to create the flyers.

John Kelly: That I don't know. The KenCen didn't mention that. The return address was the Kennedy Center, though. And all of the fliers were gone by the time I visited the coffee shop, so I couldn't check on how fancy-schmancy they were. Let me also say that if everyone would just go to the Millennium Stage's free events, perhaps the Kennedy Center wouldn't be mad at me.

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Potential UPS/FedEx explanation: John - if you have a blanket contract w/one of the big shippers, and you generate umpteen million mailings, it's easier and cheaper to let them sort things out - they're the pros. Do you really expect someone watching the 1000 page/minute printer go by to snag the one package that can be walked across the street, without risking losing a finger?

John Kelly: Geez. Let's all pile on John, why don't we? Ooooh, nasty John. So mean to the Kennedy Center because he poked a little fun. Horrid, horrid John, how could you?! You want someone should lose a finger!

I abjectly and cravenly apologize to the Kennedy Center. They should use FedEx for all their messengering needs, sending office supply requests from the Eisenhower Theatre to the Concert Hall, for example.

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Wheaton, Md.: I have a question that I would love to ask you, or throw out to the masses. Do you think people who listen to their headphones with the volume blasting know that everyone else on the metro can also hear their music? Earlier this week there was a guy by the door on the metro (this was the morning commute) with his headphones up so loud that I could actually hear the female singer not just the bass -- and I was about two rows in. I couldn't believe that he didn't realize that the rest of us could also hear his music. But then I thought, maybe he just doesn't care.

John Kelly: I think they know but don't care. I think that must apply to a lot of people who do annoying things, and could even be a T-shirt: "Yes, I know, but I don't care." They could sell it at Abercrombie.

But what do others think? Anyone want to confess to being one of those people who cranks the tunes on the headphone?

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Mias,MA: John,

Re: Today's column about Atomic Veterans.

Only 50 of 280,000 medical claims have been approved by the VA in 25 years!! That is a disgrace and an insult to our Veterans. Who can I write to complain and urge that we do better? Why does the Defense Dept. always do this? Agent Orange was deemed "harmless" and could not have been the cause of such horrific injuries to VietNam Vets. They went into denial mode after Desert Storm when Gulf War vets started dropping like flys. It's a wonder anyone enlists, when leave those who have served honorably hanging out to dry.

John Kelly: There's a group, the National Association of Atomic Veterans, that represents these ex-service members. They're not strident at all and are trying to work with the VA to get some compensation. I didn't have room to go into detail about how this all works, how vets have to go to a VA facility and be tested and how the VA estimates how much radiation they might have been exposed to and which cancers the VA agrees can be caused by radiation. (Prostate was for a while but isn't anymore, apparently.) The rub is, said the head of NAAV, that the service guys were sworn to secrecy. They weren't to tell anyone they worked with nuclear weapons. And many of their service records don't include details on what they did. So the first hurdle is just proving they were there. You can visit the Web site to get info, and contact your representative to add your voice.

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washingtonpost.com: National Association of Atomic Veterans

John Kelly: Here's the link. There's a letter on there you could crib from.

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Capitol Hill: Do you ever wonder if you only really have about ten to twenty people chatting with you, but we all write a lot?

John Kelly: I wonder this all the time, just like I wonder if I'm the only human left on Earth and everyone else is a robot and some alien overlords are studying me as if I was a bug in a petri dish. But then, I think most people wonder that.

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John Kelly: We're having technical difficulties on our end, causing our machines to freeze up for minutes on end. I'm trying not to let this spoil my mood or interrupt the witty digital banter that we all enjoy so much, but if it seems like I'm being uncommunicative, it's Not My Fault.

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Alien Overload Groth to CDR Jar-el: He's on to us. Prepare the anal probe!

John Kelly: Not again!

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Washington, D.C.: John, I just can't do it. As much as I would like to enter a contest that could result in my being treated to lunch, I can't condone encouraging the propogation of sniglets. Almost none of them are funny and there are usually perfectly good English words that describe the same thing. "A--hole", "inconsiderate moron", "frustration" and "tourist" do pretty well in the context of Metro. As for the person who decided that the Metro sniglets were "clever and creative words not found in your typical dictionary", the correct term is "annoying buffoon".

John Kelly: I don't want bad sniglets. I don't want earnest neologisms. I'm looking for something with edge. You know: hip, trendy. Something all the kids'll dig. Some words that walk the walk AND talk the talk. Surely you would do this for me?

And don't just use my examples. Create your own words from the most aggravating situations you encounter on public transportation.

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Capitol Hill: Is there anyone out there? I am the only person in my building. At least I get to blare the show tunes on my computer (complete with sing-a-long!).

Just in general: John, you're the best to write for this column yet!

John Kelly: Aren't you nice. Thank you. What are you singing along to? "Sweeney Todd"?

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Too loud: Hi John!

I plead guilty to too loud headphones. The lady next to me asked me to turn down my volume as she could not concentrate on her reading. Kinda irked me, but I turned it down and went back to enjoying my song at a much lower volume.

Oh, and I've been known to print poignant emails.

Guilty on all counts!

John Kelly: Well that's a happy ending. You didn't know you were too loud. A lady asked if you would turn down. And you did. It gives us hope.

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Saving emails...: Wow. One time, years ago, a beau printed out the entire correspondence from the first few months of our courtship... all the silly flirtatious and sweet stuff. He then wrote comments on the pages, like, "Can you believe I said this?" and "If only you'd known...", had the whole thing velo-bound at Kinkos, and gave it to me as a birthday gift. It was amazing. Years later, I no longer have the guy, but still have that email "book". Just as good as any old-fashioned correspondence for my keepsake box...

John Kelly: Does it matter that you don't have him? Does it become just a curiousity if there isn't a current connection to the author? After I graduate from college I went to Europe for three months. My Lovely Girlfriend and I wrote constantly, and we have those letters. I haven't looked at them in a long time. I guess letters from other girlfriends might be interesting from a sort of sociological standpoint (and I do have some of those), but are they still as meaningful as love letters?

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Washington, D.C.: You wrote last month about how the Post will have different coupons and ads, depending where you live.

Last Sunday, I needed an extra copy of the paper for an article I wanted to keep. I bought one at the grocery store across the street from my house, and was shocked that it had twice as many ads and coupons as the one that was delivered to my house the same day.

I am going to cancel my subscription and buy the Post at the grocery store from now on. I feel ripped off.

John Kelly: I believe that some of the copies sold at grocery stores have DOUBLE the coupons. They're marked that way and sold as such. It's a special offer type thing. I'm sorry you're not going to get it at home anymore, but I'm delighted you're going to still buy it.

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Chicago, Ill.: Here's something that really annoys me about those of you who live in DC and who's employment is linked to the Federal Government. You live in what seems to the rest of us, a socialist paradise. You have public transportation provided by the Federal Government, a health care system that looks more like Canada than the rest of the US, you have businesses largely supported by the Federal Government. Yet, we have a Republican led Government that has been focused on providing less and less for it's citizens. That has all but said to the rest of the country, "You're on your own." If not in words, then by actual deeds - by doing nothing.

So from my view in Chicago, IL - a place that's slowly being strangled - the Washington, DC area looks like socialist nirvana. Comments?

John Kelly: I think many who live in DC would say the costs imposed on the city by dint of it's being the Federal capital outweigh the benefits. Some of those costs are actual: providing security, etc. And some of it is moral: not being able to elect our own representatives to Congress. But I don't think anyone here would agree that living in Washington is like living in, oh, Denmark or Sweden or some other place with an incredible social safety net. I'd even guess that people who live in Alaska get more freebies from the state or federal government, and they get to elect whatever dumbbells they want.

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Not Sietsema, D.C.: I believe the real reason behind the shape of the 7-11 "hamdog" is that it can go on the same "roller grill" as the hotdogs. And the "go go taquitos." Where they make you "go go" I cannot say as this is a family chat.

As for the merits of the "hamdog" (which is actually a "cheeshamdog" if I remember correctly), well, there are none. On the occasion that I had one, I spruced it up with some of that gooey Velveeta sauce and that stuff they give away for free that they call "chili."

Of course I was drunk at the time, but I recall thinking that perhaps I should have opted for the burrito. On the other hand, a burrito might have been garnished with a pit bull, so maybe I was better off with the cheeshamdog.

John Kelly: So once again it's the needs of the machine that outweigh the needs of the human. 7-11 needs to create an edible meat wafer of some description and its most important characteristic must be that it fit on the roller. It's a small step from this to "Terminator."

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Problemcity: Has the Post been having web problems this week? Seems like their page has been slow to appear. It's hard to tell if it's my employer doing something to discourage newspaper readers, or a tech problem on the washingtonpost.com end.

John Kelly: No, we've had a few problems this week. In fact, one was on election day, when the site was down for an hour. As Maxwell Smart would say, "Sorry about that, chief."

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mid-D.C.: John, I'm worried. Is there a chance that Pat Robertson will ask God to smite DC?

John Kelly: I think Pat Robertson knows how great it is to have a Washington to rail against. If God smited us (smote us? was smitten by us?) Robertson would have to complain about something else.

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Shaw: I jumped on the green line around 10pm last Friday in Shaw. The train was completely packed. It was Friday night and I think a Caps game just let out. My question, what is the cost of adding another car to the train? Is it that more expensive that Metro would not make it up on Friday night passengers fares, etc? I am no engineer, but I don't seeing it costing that much more that they would let trains pack up as much as they did on Friday/Saturday night. The difference between a 7 car train and 6 car is huge. Thanks

John Kelly: Some of the problems are this: Metro can only add cars in units of two. So you can have a four-car train, a six-car train or an eight-car train. That's just the way they work. An eight-car train requires more electricity to make it run. Metro is in the process of upgrading the system to accommodate more eight-car trains. And also buying more cars. (They haven't had enough to run all eight-car trains.) So, things are slated to improve. I don't know what the per-car cost will turn out to be.

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Funkytown, Md.: You criticize unshowered amateur geurilla insurgent poets while engaging in a chat about gasification devices!! As Iggy Pop said:

"I never thought it would come to this, baby."

peace,

jim

John Kelly: Sorry, Jim. I was just stuck for a two-syllable word in that second line. Feel free to edit as you see fit.

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RE: Sniglet: Beer Googles: noun. While under the influence, the terms entered into Googles search engine that you would never do sober.

Oh, did these need to be Metro related?

John Kelly: They did. But I like that one. Not so much that I'll rescusitate the neologisms contest, but enough to say bravo.

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Dear Chicago, Ill.: At least our socialist nirvana has a baby panda!

John Kelly: Yes, and who's turn it is to watch it this weekend? People outside of Washington might not know that, just as with the guinea pig in the 3rd grade classroom, the baby panda goes spends each weekend with a different family.

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Capitol Hill: In your defense: I used to work for a PAC that would messenger our financial reports to the accountant down the street. I always volunteered to walk them over, during my lunch hour even, but wasn't allowed to. Of course, I didn't get paid much, so maybe that's how the messenger was affordable.

On the other hand, where I work now we have half our office across the street. After the fifth trip each day I wish I could FedEx stuff over.

John Kelly: The day I checked the story out it was lovely and sunny and warm. If I'da been inside that big boxy performing arts mauseleum I would have jumped at the chance to get outside. Of course, it might have been yucky on that particular day. It does make me wonder what interns are made of these days, though. In my day we had to do all sorts of menial stuff.

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Washington, D.C.: I sent that parental absolution article to my mom, who forwarded it to her friends and co-workers, who then sent it on to THEIR friends and kids and co-workers... you get my point. It's all over the upper Plains by now.

They all thought it was great, by the way.

John Kelly: Oh good. Surprisingly, my children were not so keen on it.

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Adams Morgan: Re. e-mails from children, I travel a lot and the only e-mails that I keep forever are from my son and my husband - lately I have taken to copying over IM discussions with my son to a Word file, so I do in fact have a lot of correspondence from him. I'm sure his biographer will thank me!

John Kelly: Hey, do me a favor and send me an e-mail at kellyj@washpost.com. I want to talk to you more about this.

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Sentin, AL: As a veteran, thanks for the kind words. I was in the Army during the Vietnam War and was stationed at Fort Belvoir protecting our nation's capital from the Viet Cong. And we kept the VC out, too, with the possible exception of Jane Fonda. OK, that's not fair to Jane. Everyone knows she was NVA. Once more, thanks. -Oh, and before FEMA, it was the Army that responded during, for example, Hurricane Agnes. Maybe it will be the Army again once the smoke clears over Michael Brown.]

John Kelly: Thanks for your service. I was thinking about the military and how so many now don't have first-hand experience with it. All the men in my father's family were in the military. His father was career Navy. My dad and his (late) older brother were Air Froce. My other uncle spent four years in the Army. My generation? None of us. I'm proud of what my father and uncles did, but I also know that I probably wouldn't have mad a good soldier.

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Washington, D.C.: I've saved every email that I've ever received from friends, family, and significant others. I often go back and read emails my boyfriend sent me during the past three years.

Incidentally, emails are a lot easier to look at then letters, because they are right there on my computer. I look at old emails a lot more often than I pull the box of old letters out of my closet.

John Kelly: I think you'd better shoot me an e-mail, too. And when I respond you can save it.

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Upper D.C.: The Washington Monument closed yesterday due to high winds. I think we need an intrepid reporter up there to experience the monument swaying in 40mph winds. Recommend anyone?

John Kelly: Well obviously this is something that Judy Miller should look into. Doesn't she have lots of friends in high places?

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Maryland : I send many questions to you but I pretend to be somebody important each time. After all, you're only 2 degrees of separation from Donald Graham.

John Kelly: That's right. And don't you forget it.

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Capitol Hill: I'm currently singing along to Les Miz, in honor of it's impending return to DC (yay, front row tickets!!). I already listened to Chicago and CATS, next up is Phantom of the Opera.

I'm going for the record of posts in a single chat.

(yes, all the Capitol Hill ones are me!)

John Kelly: So what you're saying is, there's like three people who chime in to this chat?

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Youth writing: I'm 24 and write real letters, cards and other forms of old-world communication. It's a lot of fun finding that perfect card or stationary. Am I weird?

John Kelly: No, you're eccentric. Eccentric is weird, but in a good weay.

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iPod on Metro: I'm convinced they know how loud it is. I've seen (heard) it countless times and usually fellow riders will turn at look at the guilty party. I use my iPod on Metro, but am careful not to turn it up too loud...mostly because I don't want everyone knowing I'm listening to ABBA.

John Kelly: Hey, at least you're not singing along to "Master of the House."

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Keeping Email in Paper Form: I've done it and am not even 25 years old. I hate the idea of not being able to look back on memories later, so save and sometimes print out emails from special people. I did this for relationships (I have a stack of papers that are emails from an old boyfriend who is now just a best friend.) and special occasions. I even have a stack of momentos that include emails from my husband and on our wedding day, burned him a copy of the email part of our relationship. So many things are digital now- from communication to pictures. I have to do my part to add physical stuff. Who would want to have their past wiped if it was just on a computer? Also, doing that forces me to prioritize my physical things since there is finite space and things need not take over my life, leading to better cleaning and organizing of digital, too.

John Kelly: See, young people are comfortable with technology in a way that I may never be. When I want a copy of an e-mail I pick up my monitor, carry it to the Xerox machine and push the green button.

(Why don't you send me an e-mail too...)

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Headphones: I turn mine up so that I can't hear your meaningless, trite, and annoying cellphone call.

John Kelly: And if only you'd turned them down you would have heard the person saying, "Okay, are you in the bank? Good. Now hand her the note. Is she giving you the money?" You could have cracked the case. But noooo....You were too busy listening to Death Cab for Cutie or My Morning Jacket.

Thanks, all, for stopping by today. Don't forget, I want those edgy, take-no-prisoners, Metro-related neologisms. Send them by Nov. 21 to kellyj@washpost.com, with "Metro Words" in the subject line. Have a great weekend. I'll be in the paper on Monday. And you don't even need a coupon to read me.

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FEdEx inside Your Own Building and Have the Wrong Address: Not that I would ever do this...

If documents need to disappear at a key moment, FedEx them to yourself, but get the address wrong. Potentially, just send it to another business in your building. If the other business is a bank, so much the better.

When the package is put in the "refused" bin, it gets picked up. Address gets verified as being undeliverable in TN. Package gets sent back to sender by ground.

It takes at least a week for the material to get found -- presuming your own mailroom doesn't toss the package back in the out box to restart the path again.

John Kelly: Some people are so devious....

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