* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything... especially giving thanks .

This Week's Poll

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

This Thanksgiving, like most Thanksgivings, we are having a meal for old friends who are descending on us from places far and wide. And so it was something of a dramatic event yesterday when we noticed a pool of water in our basement, over a drain leading to the main sewer line. There was also a slightly unpleasant aroma.

I cannot here disclose what followed because it was funny enough for a column, which you will be reading in a few weeks. But I will disclose this: It resulted in one of the most dramatic evenings of our lives, and, ultimately, proved (as if this really needed to be proven) that beer is the most powerful substance on Earth.

Some of you may recall that last week I joyfully accused Stephan Pastis, the "Pearls Before Swine" cartoonist, of plagiarism, and that Stephan joined this chat to 1) indignantly deny this charge, and 2) warn of an impending attack on me the following day.

Indeed, the following day THIS cartoon appeared.

And so, later in the week, I e-mailed Stephan to decry this calumny, and vow revenge. He answered me on Saturday night with an Instant Message, which led to a spirited IM exchange. Because of the magic of technology, I was able to capture this exchange, cut it, and paste it, verbatim, into this chat. I believe it captures the soulless cowardice of the man so eloquently that no further retaliation is needed. Please note, in a brief 10-minute exchange, how he plumbs the depths of human depravity, breaking commandments as though they were penny baubles, cavalierly committing deadly sins with no compunction -- lying, bearing false witness, pimping, shameless ingratiating, committing Tartuffian acts of hypocrisy, and, above all, showing the sort of cringing, milksoppy, chickenhearted behavior one might expect to see in a particularly effeminate French infant.

Chatwoman urges me to warn you that unedited Saturday-nite IM exchanges between professional humorists may occasionally veer into adult subject matter. (I'm not sure why she requires me to say this. What, are impressionable 15-year-olds going to say, 'Whoa, I better skip to the next section les'n I be offended?' But I'm following orders.)

PASTIS: got your email... i deny everything.

ME: You already told the chat readers that it was me. I am going to get you for this.

PASTIS: Okay, okay. Well, I'm really sorry for portraying you as a fat, four-eyed homely fellow.

PASTIS: That was wrong, and for that I'm sorry.

PASTIS: It was Jef Mallett's idea.

PASTIS: Patty encouraged it.

PASTIS: Coverly drew it, if you must know.

PASTIS: Frankly, I tried to pull it before it ran.

PASTIS: I'm probably the one guy here who's got your back.

ME: i will be publishing all of this.

PASTIS: Hi Gene. This is Staci, Stephan's wife. I'm writing all this. Not Stephan.

ME: uh huh.

PASTIS: It would be a shame for these words to be attributed to Stephan, my well-hung husband.

PASTIS: He told me about what Dave and Jef did to you. Personally, I found it offensive and degrading.

PASTIS: Personally, I think you're attractive, like Woody Allen, but without the fame, talent or money.

ME: okay, well this has been great. thank you, staci, and if you are ever in Washington I will be happy to give you the sort of explosive orgasm you've never known.

PASTIS: Oh my. I shall be there tomorrow. And I suppose this means you'll no longer rip my husband a new one next week?

PASTIS: I'm taking one for the team, as it were.

ME: No, dear. This is for you, not him. His arse is mine.

ME: I believe my "poll" next week shall involve Mr. Pastis and his comic strip.

ME: I haven't quite worked out the details.

ME: Okay, well, I have to go now. I need to hit the archives to find the four crappiest PBS's since the dawn of the strip. Shouldn't be too hard.

PASTIS: Oh, mother of evil.

Okay, then. I suspect Mr. Pastis will not be bothering us for some time.

Now, onto more pleasant matters. This chat, as you know, ordinarily revels in debauchery and cynicism; our humor, when we find it, often comes at the expense of others. We are not "nice" people. We reject things that are "sweet" as emphatically as would a diabetic. However, biannually I do permit a dip into the saccharine. Molly has sent me THIS link, which is apparently making the rounds of vet students. You may take two minutes to examine it, say "Awwwww," and return. I will wait right here.

Tum-te-tum.

Okay, then. Back to Girl Scouts and masturbation:

Thanks to Tim Page for reminding me of an anniversary of one of the greatest corrections ever to run in a newspaper. It sprang from a story that ran in the Atlanta Journal and Constitution in 1987 about a Girl Scout program aimed at teaching girls about careers, and prevention of pregnancy. It contained this passage:

Mrs. Hamby, who is entering her first year as a Cadette leader, but her fifth year as a troop leader, said troop leaders are not experts on the new interests of Girl Scouts. So they take the girls on field trips where experts can present the information.

"It's not really a point where you sit down and talk to them about sensitive subjects," she said. Instead, troop leaders take girls to places like a sperm bank where programs are designed to inform girls of sexual education in terms they can understand.

A few days later the following frantic correction was published:

A PARAGRAPH IN A STORY ABOUT GIRL SCOUTS IN THE THURSDAY EDITION OF THE NORTH FULTON EXTRA SHOULD HAVE STATED THAT TROOP LEADERS TAKE GIRLS TO PLACES SUCH AS FERNBANK SCIENCE CENTER, WHERE PROGRAMS ARE DESIGNED TO INFORM GIRLS OF SEXUAL EDUCATION IN TERMS THEY CAN UNDERSTAND.

I know I've mentioned this before, but it seemed pertinent.

Please take TODAY'S POLL . So far, you are showing some smarts, some stupidity, and much unseemly bias. There are definitely correct answers, and I will disclose them halfway through.

You yourselves are choosing the Comics Pick of the Week, though, as of this moment, you are choosing incorrectly. To those strips, I add yesterday's PIRANHA CLUB , and yesterday's FRAZZ .

Okay, let's go.

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Alexandria, Va.: I notice you had no "None" option in the poll. The funniest of those was "Non Sequitur," but it wasn't that funny.

On in the same vein of saying something without really supporting it, I notice your Sunday column said "Newspapers should stay the same" without arguing it. All you did was point out a few funny misguided attempts of papers at becoming more connected. You didn't say anything positive about your stance. It was very funny and I enjoyed it, but I thought it was rhetorically weak.

Gene Weingarten: 1. All four of those comix are very good. Waaay above average.

2. Here is my point: The very best newspapers have always been, and remain, the greatest bargain on the face of the Earth. The cost-to-benefit ratio is ludicrous. See what else you can get for 35 cents. (As you know, I tried, at Eastern Market: A slice of liverwurst, a chicken gizzard, a shotglass-sized portion of cole slaw, etc.) Newspapers are losing circulation because of many factors, some implacable, some reversible. But they are not losing business because they are crappy products, and they are most assuredly not losing business because they are not being nice enough to the readers. The "Get Nice" impulse is birthed by fear and cowardice. Newspapers have a solemn responsibility in a free society, and that responsibility is not to give readers what they might say they want, in polls or focus groups. Our responsibility is to tell people what they need to know in an interesting and engaging fashion, and to entertain, and to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable, to question authority, to lucidly explain what the news means, to help readers understand the world, and whatnot. Yes, we fail sometimes, and we often learn from those failures. Yes, I think The Post and other papers failed the public on the runup to the Iraq war. Then we started kicking butt on COVERAGE of the war.

The point is, I think we need to be stronger and tougher, not weaker and softer. And weaker and softer is what you get when you begin to pander to the perceived desires of readers. Focus groups invariably report that they want The Post to be filled with "local news." If this newspaper were filled with neighborhood news, I doubt if very many people would be happy.

The editors of the Washington Post are very, very smart and resourceful people. They need to listen to readers, but then make their own decisions, like Archie Goodwin, using their intelligence guided by their experience. That formula has worked for 200 years, and it can still work.

They also need to revamp the comics pages.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Extra! Extra! Read ALl About You! , ( Post Magazine, Nov. 20 )

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Digital clocks: I share your hatred of digital watches, and would never consider wearing one. Although I do wear a battery-operated watch.

I also find that when I read a digital clock (for example, VCR clock or my alarm clock) I mentally "translate" the time into a clock face. I do this because 90 degrees as 15 minutes, for example, has a real feel for me as a chunk of time. 9:45 doesn't have the same real-time feel, if that makes sense. My watch doesn't even have all the numbers on it, because I tell time spatially in this way.

I wonder if you or anyone else out there does something similar?

Gene Weingarten: I do the same thing.

Here is how fanatic I am about hating digitals: We carried a photo on page one the other day for this great story about an injured soldier who wanted to adopt her dog. A moving story about a brave person. But there was a picture of her and the dog, and all I could see was the watch, and I thought, "what a jerk she must be."

washingtonpost.com: Wounded Sergeant Fights for a 'Best Friend' , ( Post, Nov. 20 )

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Chantilly Va.: Yahoo headline from 11:56 a.m.: Red Sox poised to land Beckett, Lowell

I was disappointed -- I thought it meant Samuel Beckett and Robert Lowell

Gene Weingarten: I would have preferred that myself.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Gene, I just noticed this page says you come on at "12:00 PM." As I'm sure you know, there is no such time as 12:00 PM. Noon is noon, it's neither ante nor post meridian.

For a chat that often features pedantry as a major subject, that's pretty weak.

washingtonpost.com: Whatever nerdo. That time is generated by a computer program, so it must be right.

Gene Weingarten: I associate the term "Whatever, Nerdo" with Chatwoman, and Chatwoman only. It defines her, and endears her to me.

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Gene Weingarten: I am reliably informed that there are some problems with the site. I apologize on behalf of the Large Uncaring Conglomerate for which I work.

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Leesburg, Va.: I had a strange experience last night and thought you would be the just the person to ask about it.

I woke up during the night -- not from a bad dream or with a "start" or anything, just woke up. But as soon as I did, I felt a wave of heat run down my legs. Then, for just a few seconds, my vision turned red... like someone had put a red filter in front of my eyes. It only lasted maybe five seconds or so.

My vision went back to normal after those few seconds and is fine this morning. I don't have a headache this morning (and didn't have one when I woke up during the night), my legs feel fine, I'm not having any problems with speech or motor control. Even so, my inner-hypochondriac is worried that the red vision and heat feeling might be stoke symptoms. (My inner-non-hypochondriac thinks my other half is being ridiculous.)

For what it's worth, I'm a 44-year-old woman who's overweight but otherwise in good health, with no chronic problems.

What do you think, oh Wise One?

washingtonpost.com: Possession.

Ohhh, you were asking Gene ...

Gene Weingarten: Doctors out there?

I think if you also sweated profusely, it might be a problem. Did you?

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Washington, D.C.: A chatter of yours misspelled "voluptuous" as "volumptuous" -- were you ignoring this or just missed it? Usually things like this don't bother me, but it seems like in the past month I have seen this particular misspelling at least six times. Is this the next word to be granted legitimacy as an accepted alternate spelling in the dictionary?

Gene Weingarten: I assumed it was a typo. I usually ignore typos. However, The Empress recently informed me that in Britain, a vernacular word for toilet paper is "bumph," which is simply fabulous.

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North Little Rock, Ark.: I think today's "Dilbert" is Scott Adams' best in awhile. Wondered if you'd seen it and had a take.

Eric

washingtonpost.com: Dilbert , ( Nov. 22 )

Gene Weingarten: Most excellent.

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Arlington, Va.: Hi Gene: Last week, you said that your wife is smarter, more successful and better looking than you, and that is not only OK with you, but you find it attractive. I have been dating a woman for two months who is certainly smarter, more successful, and better looking than I am, and, honestly, I really like it for some of the same reasons you do: my competitive nature, it makes me look good, etc.

The intelligence/success/looks disparity is not a big one, but it seems obvious to me (particularly the last two). I consider myself a pretty confident person in many aspects of my life, and as much as I really like this woman and enjoy spending time with her, there is still the occasional "What the heck is she doing with me?" thought that crosses my mind.

Did you have those thoughts in your relationship with your wife? If so, do they ever go away?

Gene Weingarten: I don't have those thoughts.

Do you make yours laugh?

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Silver Spring, Md.: The Molly link goes to a page not found error.

washingtonpost.com: Trying again, here . This one works for me.

Gene Weingarten: Okay...

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Anonymous: If there is no 12:00 PM, then is there no 12:00 AM? We call 12:00 AM "midnight", but it's not exactly in the middle of then night. Who the hell's in charge here?

Gene Weingarten: 12 pm is noon. Twelve am is midnight.

I learned that yesterday, when I refilled a prescription over the phone via voicemail, and the voice asked when I wanted it, and I punched in 12 am and they informed me the store was closed them.

If you can't trust Rite-Aid whom can you trust?

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Washington, D.C.: Hello Gene

Can you please explain the Zits and Non Sequitur cartoons you posted for the poll?

They seem pretty dumb to me, but then again I am a blond female...

Thanks

Gene Weingarten: Whoa, uh.

I don't know how to answer this, but okay.

In Zits he is preempting the caller. A preemptive strike, dealing with truth, but making his life easier. It is a joke about teenagers' sloth.

In Nonseq, you have TWO cliche comics moments -- the shrink and patient, and two people on a desert island.

You shouldnt have had to ask, blondie.

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Phialdelphia, Pa.: The Philadelphia Daily News used to be great: like The Post, it had three pages of comics. Then it cut it to just two pages. Now, there is nothing but sadness in Philadelphia, and even the Eagles football players have taken on the depression and this has ruined the team. Its all the fault of a lack of comics.

Gene Weingarten: And Terrell Owens.

Boy, they looked limp against the Gents on Sunday.

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North Bay, Ontario, Canada: My hometown had its Santa Claus parade last weekend and the local paper reported that one of the floats featured "Winnie the Poo." I submit that this is an entirely different thing than the honey-loving bear made famous by A.A. Milne.

Agree? Disagree? Discuss.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

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Washington, D.C.: In your experience, is there any similarity whatsoever between what people will say a newspaper should cover, and what those same people will actually take the time to read in the newspaper? I've always found that the same people who decry a newspaper's emphasis on "fluff" and "gossip" will read those items first, and talk about them to friends and family members with apparent interest, before then insisting again that the newspaper should do more coverage of the the coup attempt in Lower Slobovia (though they never actually read any of that coverage themselves).

Gene Weingarten: This is exactly the point I just made.

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Rockville, Md.: This can't have been a good week to have been Gene Weingarten.

First off, Woodward makes it painfully obvious that this time he had a secret he didn't tell you -- well, unless he had you confused with Pincus.

Secondly, your chat, your pride and joy, gets frittered away in stuff like folding vs. bunching toilet paper that makes it sound like you're channeling Ann Landers. Meanwhile, some guy wanders in off the street and turns in a chat about robot bear rape! With that, and with Kelly regularly cleaning your clock, chatwise, of late, you're lucky you even made third place in the weekly chat standings. Fisher would have beat you, too, if his poll hadn't blown up on him.

Finally, your column, your bread and butter, had a decent topic, but the result sounded like it was phoned it (well, maybe because half of it was). So instead some other guy writes a piece on the same topic for the Outlook section -- the Outlook section, for heaven's sake -- that is not only twice as good as yours, but three times as funny. Even the author's credit was funnier than anything in your column.

But, if prior experience has shown anything, it's that Weingarten is at his most dangerous just when you think he's down. So what kind of comeback do you have planned? Will it be worth the wait? Or are we witnessing the beginning of the end of the legend that was Gene?

Gene Weingarten: You are onto me.

I have been playing the "lowered expectations" game for years. By sucking so badly from time to time, it makes my comebacks seem heroic; whereas, really, they are simply a return to the old, formulaic, mediocre me.

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Saint Paul, Minn.: Hey Gene,

Over the past few years I've noticed what I believe to be a corruption of a humorous punchline that was popularized, I think, by Liberace. The line follows some long litany of woes perpetrated on the teller by an uncaring public, and goes, "I cried all the way to the bank."

However, it seems that it is always related these days as "I laughed all the way to the bank," in which form it loses all humor.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Gene Weingarten: You're right, it makes no sense. And I've heard it, too.

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More Digital Clocks : Gene -

Do you hate digital clocks in cars? I ask because the clock in my car is not, and I sometimes stoop to grabbing my cell phone to double check the time. I think the clock gives my car a UFO feeling. Maybe Mercedes and other ritzy cars have these kind of clocks but I'm talking about a 1992 Mazda. Now, if you're thinking I'm an idiot, I don't wear a watch because I always lose them... This must be a valid excuse for why I have problems reading time in my car, right?

Gene Weingarten: No, digital clocks in cars are okay. And even in clock radios.

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Early poll results: I love the fact that Zippy the Pinhead is nearly second for both best art and worst art. None of the other strips seem to be quite so loved AND hated.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, it's like Lyndon Johnson, on presidential polls.

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Washington, D.C.: For a couple weeks now I've been meaning to submit this aptonym from a Frontline episode about abortion clinics: the director of the Center for Pregnancy Choices (a "Christian-afficliated, pro-life center in Jackson, Miss.") is none other than Barbara Beavers!

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Barbara Beavers would be a funnier name if she were a bikini-cut expert at a spa.

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No Poll?: There's no poll this week? Really?

I feel... bereft. How could you do this to us?

washingtonpost.com: There is a poll. We're having technical problems on the site this morning that involve the intro to this discussion reverting to a state prior to when I added the poll link. I'll continue to republish the correct version. In the meantime, here's the poll link .

Gene Weingarten: Whoa.

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Washingto,n D.C.: Do you care to defend your remarks from last week's chat that large-breasted women are intimidating and less desirable, because they SCARE you?

Gene Weingarten: I don't know what you are talking about. I never said anything like that. I respect and love all women; I don't discriminate in any way by body type.

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The Gents?: Is that a new football franchise I missed? Do we also have Blokes, Mates, Dudes, and Fellows?

"Up next, the San Diego Dudes versus the Brisbane Blokes!"

Gene Weingarten: I have called the Giants the Gents for some time. It has dignity.

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Athens, Greece: Two years ago, I was one of those girls in the freshman dorm bathrooms who would wait for others to leave before pooping.

A suggestion for other such people:

Go live in Greece. The plumbing IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY has pipes that are too thin and old to handle toilet paper, so instead, we are provided with... small trash bins. This is where the toilet paper goes. Also, the toilets don't flush properly half the time anyway.

Then get a gastrointestinal bug for about a week that requires use of the bathroom every... oh, 15 minutes or so. Regardless of where you are at the moment.

It works. I promise.

Gene Weingarten: Toilet paper in a bin?

Augggghhhh.

Grodiness-wise, this makes those fem hygiene product bins look like lilac-fragrance-dispensers.

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Washington, D.C.: I have a question about the comic strip Nancy:Could Aunt Fritzi be any hotter?

Take a look at Monday's strip, for example. I couldn't even tell what was going on because I was so distracted by Aunt Fritzi's er... ample bosom. I'd say she even beats out Blondie's monostrapped nightgowns for hotness.

washingtonpost.com: Nancy , ( Nov. 21 )

Gene Weingarten: I haven't seen Nancy in years. These new artists are essentially pornographers! Check out the strip from 11/10, where Fritzi appears to be in leather, holding some sort of S&M device.

And now look at 11/9, at Nancy's phys ed teacher. Ladies, am I not correct that girls' phys ed teachers did not, ever, look like this?

Lizzie, can we link to these things?

washingtonpost.com: Nancy , (Nov. 9); Nancy, (Nov. 10)

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Usa, GE: Gene (and Pat the Perfect): Is this use of nonplussed correct? It appeared in Sunday's Post (Outlook section) and it seems wrong to me (using nonplussed to mean blase, when it actually means bewildered), but I wanted to check with the proper authorities:

"My younger sister told me a story about visiting the home of friends when the teenage daughter's date arrived. The daughter came downstairs in a T-shirt that read, 'Strippers do it with poles.' The parents seemed nonplussed; it was the boy who said to them, 'You're letting her go out of the house in that ?'"

Thanks much!

Gene Weingarten: You're right; this usage is wrong. I used it that way, quite incorrectly, until I was about 25 years old. "Non" plused makes it sound as though you have "no" reaction, which is sort of correct, but totally misleading. If one is nonplused, one is so stunned that one cannot react except in mute astonishment.

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Ann Arbor, Mich.: Per your request, here is a Yahoo group for the devotees of the Weingarten chat.

Gene Weingarten: Okay. Posted. With some trepidation.

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Dogs: Gene -- I know you're a dog lover, so I hope, after thinking about that video clip posted last week, you've realized that what we're seeing isn't amusing behavior. It's a very disturbed dog. Can you imagine that dog with a toddler walking by who reaches out to touch?

Public Service Announcement.

Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: My wife had the same observation. I almost didn't link to it, but Chatwoman -- also a dog lover -- found nothing wrong with it.

It was a close call. I do think there was something wrong with that dog, but I'm not sure, because it clearly was a home video, and you could hear the family laughing uproariously. I think they just saw it as a silly quirk of a puppy. And in the end, the dog settle down happily to munch on his bone. So I dunno. My wife agrees with you.

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Falls Church, Va.: Regarding the poll: I think people are allowing their opinions of the comic strips to shape their opinon of the strip's artwork. I don't think that "Cathy" has the worst artwork of the bunch, but I think many of your readers (myself included)don't care for the strip mainly because of the story lines. I think this affects their poll answers.

Or maybe I'm over-thinking this...

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this is definitely happening. I will explain everything later on.

However, you are wrong about Cathy. It's the worst of the bunch, exponentially. For reasons I will explain.

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Squirell, Pa.: I believe that cute little furball in "Molly's link" might actually be Sugar Bush Squirrel, who probably escaped from it's freaky owner to enjoy a dog's life:

Sugarbushsquirrel.com

washingtonpost.com: Augghhh!

Gene Weingarten: No, the site is real. It has been authenticated by Snopes. This one is not real.

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Silver Spring, Md.: I don't know if you have exposure to digital timepieces anywhere, but if you do, I'm wondering if you've experienced this phenomenon: A couple times I've been driving to a meeting that starts at 9:00. If I look at my digital clock, and it says 8:47, I panic, thinking I'll definitely be late. But if I look at my analog wristwatch, for some reason, that exact same time doesn't seem nearly as close to 9:00, and I feel like I have plenty of time to make the meeting. What could explain this?

Gene Weingarten: You physically SEE the distance the hand has to travel, and it provides comfort.

Analog watches are cool.

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Anonymous: My wife asked me which of her friends I would sleep with, so I gave my list of the top five along with my nicknames: Funny, Sexy, Freaky, Nasty, and Sexy #2. Is this a bad thing? I think I am an average guy.

Gene Weingarten: You are a dead man walking.

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Arlington, Va.: The Molly link is from the Animal Liberation Front - a semi-terrorist organization that has been responsible for much destruction and will probably kill some unknowing night watchman one of these days.

Gene Weingarten: I know. They are scary.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,

I don't know if that exchange with Pastis was staged or what, but as a point of undeniable fact, Pearls Before Swine is self-indulgent, cutesy garbage. People who laugh at Pearls Before Swine are narcissistic morons with no actual sense of humor.

As a corollary, the funniest comic in the Post is the superficially cute and cuddly but deeply tragic and subversive Mutts. It's also the best-drawn comic in the paper.

Joe

Gene Weingarten: Joe, you're a dope.

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Alexandria, Va.: Clever, G.W., very clever. Others may take you for a crass clown, rising from the muck of toilet humor only long enough to comment on VPL, but those fools miss your true depth. The Washington Post print edition publishes one of those dry as dust reports on the latest statistical study showing that the Metro area comprises three of the four worst (in terms of aggressive driving, disregard of stop and speed signs, lack of driver etiquette) driving areas in America, only New Jersey standing between us and a perfect four for four, and it passes almost without comment.

But you so shrewdly blend it into this much more widely read digital conversation by making your online persona the very face of what's wrong on area roads. First the subtle references to jay walking in that arrogant New Yorkish fashion, "I know where I'm going. I know I can see your car. You are the fool if you brake or slow down." Then the oblique comments about driving the Beltway while eating, talking on the cell phone and taking notes (in a manual transmission vehicle). Cemented with the agreement with some chatter that you frequently drive too fast and change lanes abruptly, with more than a trace of the jaywlker arrogance, let the other drivers adjust. And the claim that you are an above average driver.

Perfect depiction of the thousands of a##hole drivers out there jumping lanes, rolling right on red, touching and going at stop signs, generally depending on the rest of us to divine there next move and stay out of the way.

Any chance you will take this pretense a step further and do a report on attending one of these "safe driver" courses (as if they could teach YOU anything) the courts impose. Great comic possibilities.

Gene Weingarten: You take care of that ulcer, fella.

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Pandamonium, Washington, D.C.: The spokesman for the Zoo when asked about error messages when trying to get tickets to see the baby:

"We're just asking people to be patient, and bear with us. Just keep trying.".

Bear with us!!!! Hahahahaha.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahah.

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Vancouver, Wash.: Hi Gene,

I have a question about the courtesy flush. Being a woman I have never employed this technique -- it would embarrass me more to have others think I need two flushes to finish my business than to have noises emanate from the stall, but that's another issue entirely. You have said in the past that the flush is hide sound. But which sound are you trying to hide? Is it bodily sounds? Or is it, um, the sound of things hitting water?

For me, as a woman with slight poop shame, it would have to be to cover the sound of splashing or plunking, if you will. It is the fear of others hearing these sounds that often causes me to pause until other noises are made in the bathroom.

Just thought you'd like a view into more female neuroses.

Gene Weingarten: The large majority of readers -- I am in the minority -- seem to think the courtesy flush is about eliminating odor, not camouflaging noise.

This makes no sense to me. Water camouflages odor quite effectively, short term.

We have heard ad nauseam from womengirls about OTHER sound deadening tactics: toilet-paper-roll-maneuvering and thus such. Why not singing at the top of one's lungs?

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Cleveland Park, Washington, D.C.: re: punchlines

Which is it: "What do you mean 'we', Kemosabe?" or "What do you mean 'we', paleface?"?

Gene Weingarten: Well, paleface is better...

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Reston, Va.: Gene, What's your take on the whole Woodward/Plame thing?

Gene Weingarten: I think it's no huge deal, for The Post. I think it is an embarrassment for Woodward, but not necessarily for the reasons most often stated.

What happened did not cause The Post to print something wrong, or to withhold something that it should have printed. At any point. The Post is guiltless.

Yes, Woodward should have told the editors of his Plame conversation earlier than he did, but that's an internal matter of minor significance: Since he was protecting a confidence, The Post could not have printed anything about it, anyway.

As I see it, Woodward's real sin was in opining on this matter on TV, without disclosing the fact that he not only had pertinent information, but that his opinion may well have been affected by his personal circumstances. I think he shouldn't have done that, I think he thinks he shouldn't have done that. Legally, no crime was committed; journalistically, it's a class A misdemeanor, maybe, but nowhere near a felony. Released on one's own recognizance, given probation.

The Post did nothing wrong. They need to get together with Woodward on rules for the future, but that's it. No reader was deceived.

Woodward is an amazing reporter, and an honest guy. Anyone who has ever worked with him understands how much he values truth and honesty. He was put in an untenable position, and made a poor choice. That's it.

I don't think he is tarnished, long term, at all.

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Odenton, Md.: Gene, in terms of this chat, is Liz your titular boss? I have a reason for asking. Thanks.

Actually, the reason I'm asking is that it gives me a reason to type "titular", which is a really funny word.

washingtonpost.com: Happy now?

Gene Weingarten: She is my boss in the sense that I am obliged to run controversy by her, and get her permission before I publish it; and because she signs my paychecks, and because she can choose to terminate my chat; ie, fire me.

She is NOT my boss in the sense that, um ...

She is my boss.

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Out West: Thanks to you, Gene, I will be having sex tonight. See, my girlfriend has a thing about squirrels. Loves them, thinks they're the cutest things ever. She once had one that lived in her house as a pet, and she still gets misty-eyed with joy when she talks about it -- even though the little monster left teeth marks on everything she owns. Anyway, I've sent her the link, which will send her into a rodent-inspired rapture that will spill over to me. For that I give thanks to you and Liz.

Gene Weingarten: We are your procurers.

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All the same difference: Neither "different than" nor "different from" seems right.

What's up with that?

Gene Weingarten: Different from is always right.

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Cubeland: Dr. Gene: As long as I can remember, I've had ice cold hands and feet. For the last few months, though, my feet (perhaps in an effort to rebalance to a normal temperature) have felt like they are on fire around bedtime at least once per week. Once I had to soak them in a bathtub of icewater to get them to a comfortable enough temperature that I could sleep. What's wrong with me? Does this warrant a visit to the doctor?

Gene Weingarten: You probably have Reynaud's phenomenon, which is no big deal but also not curable. But I would see a doctor, particularly if it is getting worse. You have to be real careful when outside in the winter.

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Condiments: My husband and I are having an on-going debate concerning deli ham and appropriate condiments. I would really like to hear your opinion on this. I think you can have a ham sandwich with either mustard or mayo. My husband believes that mayo should NEVER be paired with ham. In your opinion, is mayo an acceptable condiment for deli ham?

Gene Weingarten: Yes.

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Worst Art: Although not one of the choices, Sally Forth has really bad art. Not only does it fail miserably in perspective and relative sizes of objects (look at any panel that includes a head, a hand and an object held in the hand), but the faces convey no emotion whatsoever. Compare with the art in FBOFW where at least you can tell by a character's face whether he or she is happy, angry, sad, surprised, puzzled, etc.

Gene Weingarten: Right. Sally Forth is bad, for the reasons you say. I should have included it.

Interestingly, it may be worse than it was when attorney-turned-cartoonist Greg Howard drew it, at the very beginning. I have a Greg Howard original here, which he drew for Tropic. It is godawful, but so bad it actually had a style. I prefer it.

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I have a lunch meeting today: But don't worry, I'm posting early.

In other news, did you see the Robot Attack chat last week? That was great.

washingtonpost.com: How to Survive a Robot Uprising , ( Live Online, Nov. 18 )

Gene Weingarten: I'll read it after the chat. Others have complimented it.

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Washington, D.C.: Hey Gene, I think you should put together a poll just to determine the demographics of your audience. I'm so curious about that. Age, race, gender, gay or straight, etc.

Liz, if you're back, CONGRATULATIONS on the secret nuptials. Good for you!!

washingtonpost.com: I am and thanks.

Gene Weingarten: Not a bad idea, though I think I have a pretty good idea. Maybe next week.

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Gene Weingarten:

Okay, the poll.

I find it interesting that you were totally flatlining the first question, without any clear preferences. These are all good, but two are clearly superior; which you choose will depend on whether you favor physical or intellectual humor. Pearls is instantly funny, though it is a variation on an old joke. Nonsequitur is brilliant. I choose Nonsequitur, but either is correct.

For the second two questions, I think many of you are confusing the artwork and the overall quality of the strip. This is an error. Mutts is a terrible strip, but it has the third best artwork.

I believe in analyzing cartoon art you need to weigh three components. In decreasing order of importance, they are:

1. How distinctive is it? When you are looking at it, how aware are you by the art alone that it is that strip, and that strip only? Pearls scores highly here - though it scores highly nowhere else -- but that alone qualifies it as a pretty well drawn strip. For what it is, it succeeds quite well. Minimalism is fine.

2. How expressive is it? Does the artist convey subtleties of facial expression and personality; are objects intriguingly rendered, etc.

3. How attractive and slick is it? Does it look like art drawn by an artist?

The three best-drawn strips, in descending order, are Borgman's Zits, Wiley's Non Sequitur, and McConnell's Mutts. Your favorite, Get Fuzzy, is fourth. It loses points for a certain ugliness factor, and that we see the same expressions a lot. ( Though it is distinctive, and Satchel remains one of the best drawn characters in comicdom.) You are waaay wrong about Orange: It scores very high on category 1. It's pretty good.

Fam Circus? Well drawn. Very distinctive.

You overrate Red and Rover, underrate Frazz, and half of you waay overrate Zippy. Zippy is a mess.

You are right about Cathy. It gets a zero on all three. A badly drawn strip, the worst of these. Bad expressions, not that distinctive, quite ugly.

If I had included Fox Trot, it would be down there with Cathy, though it is reasonably distinctive.

Overall lesson: There is not a really good correlation between quality of art and quality of strip.

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Alexandria, Va.: How old are you?

Gene Weingarten: I am 54.

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Pentag, ON: Gene, insofar as vernacular can have a correct spelling, the appropriate word is "bumf," which is short for "bum fodder."

Though I have always been fond of the phrase "poop tickets."

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Washington, D.C.: Seems like there are a lot of site problems today.

I have this mental image of Chatwoman trying to manage the situation. She's in a command center-type location, trying to fix the chat font while screaming into a headset and monitoring 35 different information feeds, each of which contains a different spelling of the word "voluptuous." She's wearing a white catsuit, and is feeding postings to you while you sit in your dank, dark basement.

So here's my question: is the Command Center actually in your house, and do you get to use it after Liz is done?

washingtonpost.com: Picture the NORAD base in "War Games" -- that's what our offices look like.

Gene Weingarten: With a frickin trampoline, though.

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Parent, AL: Is it snooping to read your kid's blog?

Gene Weingarten: No.

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Put O,UT: Gene,

I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but not long ago I cancelled my Post subscription. It had nothing to do with the content of the paper -- it was simply because delivery was completely awful.

Someone called to offer me free weekdays to go with a Sunday-only subscription, starting the day after Labor Day. I then went over four weeks without getting a weekday delivery. Even after I complained and was told the deliveries would start right up.

Add to that the two missed Sunday deliveries out of four, and the Post missed 28 out of 30 deliveries.

I did get one weekday paper -- the day after I cancelled. And I've gotten several offers since then for cheap subscriptions.

Could it be that all the papers' (the Post and others) problems go back to the fact that there aren't young boys and girls concientously delivering the paper anymore?

Gene Weingarten: I've had the opposite experience: Severe trouble with the NYT delivery, never a day missed by the Post.

You have to complain and be a total buttpain. It worked with the Times.

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Distressed and Overworked: A few weeks ago I wrote about the sad state of affairs at the media company for which I work. Well, now it looks like they are considering selling the entire corporation. Yes, I work for KRI, so ha ha on me. Your previous paragraph about the mission of newspapers rings true to me, but I am only a lowly baby boomer computer geek and not a person whose opinion anyone values. Sigh. Can you offer any words of wisdom or encouragement?

Gene Weingarten: There is an intriguing Knight-Ridder petition going around. Liz, can you find it? I believe it is on a website called something like Kralums.com (K-R alums.)

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In Defense of Digital Watches: I got a nice one for $10. It has an alarm, stopwatch features, and other stuff -- not that I ever use them. Here is the key point: it was $10. I bought it when I was a broke student, I still ain't that rich, and so here it sits on my wrist. And if I lose it -- it was $10!

I appreciate the asthetics of a nice watch and would certainly like to have one. I have a very nice pocket watch that I no longer use for practical and personal reasons. But the fundamental purpose is functional in nature -- to tell you the time. A beautiful watch is a nice thing, and perhaps even makes a statement about the wearer, but the fact is that you and I both know what time it is - which is what matters to your boss or a lunch date.

These are the same reasons I can appreciate a Ferrari but don't drive one. My Saturn gets me from point A to point B just as well, and a lot cheaper, although with less style.

But, everyone is entitled to a strident opinion or two. So you may live.

Gene Weingarten: You can get a nice analog for $20 at your local CVS or Rite Aid. And then you won't go around looking like a geek.

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Frederick, Md.: Gene, do you wear boxer or briefs? Leiby told us he wore white briefs.

Gene Weingarten: I believe I have answered this before. Briefs. Not white.

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Gene's fanclub, U..K: Gene,

My brother just e mailed me to tell me about his graduation speaker -- Professor the Lord Winston -- who not only looks remarkably like you, sporting a great mustache, but also is similarly interested in the social habits of men and women, having published books entitled "Infertility -- A Sympathetic Approach" and "Making Babies." I think he might just be your doppleganger. What do you think? A photo of the professor can be found here .

Gene Weingarten: This guy doesn't really look like me. Know who REALLY looks like me? Liz, can you find a headshot of Harvey Weingarten, president of some college in Canada?

This guy REALLY looks like me. I do not believe we are related.

washingtonpost.com: Harvey Weingarten

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Alexandria, Va.: Speaking of Frazz (it's in the Poll), when/where is your public appeaarance with Jef Mallett?

Gene Weingarten: Monday the 12th. If the twelfth is a Monday. More to come later.

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Washington, D.C.: Have you ever worried that you might at some point damage your career by saying something that crosses the line from edgy humor into Unacceptable Public Discourse? What do you think are the most potentially dangerous areas for inadvertently crossing that line: race, sex, religion, catastrophes, or something else? Your track record as a satirist/humorist must provide lots of cover/leeway, but you do still work for a Big Important Newspaper, so, just wondering...

Gene Weingarten: Race. No doubt.

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Frederick, Md.: I would like to point out this aptonym, found in the Arlington County Board minutes of December 13, 1935: A reference to a "Mr. Dirt, County Sanitary Engineer" making a presentation on raw sewage problems plaguing a local creek.

Gene Weingarten: Nice. And you discovered this... how?

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re: Ulcer Guy: Wow, "crass clown" is hard to say.

I try it, and I just feel like I'm indulging in anti-Japanese stereotypes.

Gene Weingarten: It is kind of hard.

I have never had any trouble with tongue twisters. There is a trick. Have I ever divulged it?

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Toronto, Calif.: Gene, what do you think about men who always sit down to pee -- even when a urinal is available? What psychological attributes can be placed on such individuals? I tried looking up this phenomenon online and all I could find were postings by transsexuals -- either w2m who were so happy that they were free from having to sit down to pee, or else m2w who felt like sitting down to pee was such a great way of distinguishing their femininity, such as it is.

Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: I can't imagine why any man -- with the option of a urinal or a toilet -- would sit to pee, and only to pee. Anatomically, it is more complicated and less comfortable. It affords no reasonable amount of reading time. If we have any closet peers out there, I'd like to hear a defense, or an explanation.

The only conceivable explanation I can imagine is that it is cleaner on the porcelain, but that's only if you are a slob. And if you are a slob, you wouldn't care that it is cleaner on the porcelain.

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Demographi,CS: Can you also include a question to suss out where your readers live? For example, if this chat turns out to have a high percentage of lesbians aged 35-45, I want to know if I have a prayer of meeting any of them who live anywhere near me on that yahoo group thing. (I live in Connecticut).

Gene Weingarten: I'll work on it. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

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washingtonpost.com: Can't seem to find the petition. Anyone else wanna try?

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Another cancelled subscription: I cancelled my subscription to The Post long ago because of delivery problems. I got it every day, just after I had left for work. Granted, I leave pretty early. Anyway, I figured I could always buy it at the train station. I do occassionally, but I mostly just read online. I can FIND things so easily online, instead of ruffling through papers. However, when I do buy the Post (about once a week), I find myself reading articles that I probably would have skipped over online.

It wouldn't suprise me if the Post went to a pay site, at least it part. I'd pay a small amount for access to these chats, reader forums, and other online-only niceties.

Gene Weingarten: The Times has done this already. It makes some sense. We need to figure out a way to stay in business. Would you pay, say, $25 once a year to be able to participate in all Post chats?

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Alexandria, Va.: I was a Post paperboy for six years. I loved my good customers. They were and are fantastic people. But some of you guys are freaking jerks. I was a kid and you people stiffed me a tip. I knocked and you turned out the lights like I would go away. I printed from a computer how much you owed and you paid the old monthly amount when prices went up.

There are many great customers, but they weren't worth dealing with the jerks.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. I'll just put this out there.

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Conest: Gene, is the "contest" still on to draw a pic for the top of your weekly chats? I haven't seen a pic there for a while, so thought maybe the new Live Online format doesn't allow the pics any more... but if it's still open, I may have something for ya.

washingtonpost.com: Send it to me at liveonline@washingtonpost.com. -- Liz

Gene Weingarten: Good, then.

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: Last week, Mallard Fillmore ran a long series about how people should be watching the show Veronica Mars. I don't know if you've ever seen it, Gene, but people really SHOULD be watching it: it's smart, funny, sexy, awesome TV that gets terrible ratings. It also got a brief mention in Sally Forth last week. I'd love to think those mentions would help with the ratings, but somehow I doubt it.

All that aside, the mentions in Mallard Fillmore disturbed me. I just don't get it. Can you, as the great arbiter of all things comic-y, please explain it to me? Why did this conservative un-funny strip run a week-long marathon of strips about saving a TV show?

Gene Weingarten: I didn't see this, and I don't know Veronica Mars. Any opinions out there?

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My opinion is different to yours: Because I'm British. "Different from" is an Americanism. "Different than" is internationally incorrect.

Now, Gene, will you sing the tomato song while you tell that poor reader that Raynaud's phemenonon CAN be curable... if the person has hypothyroidism and gets treated for it. I did, and the agonizing pain hasn't come back in years.

Yours, the fair lady.

Gene Weingarten: I had no idea it was ever linked to hypothyroidism!

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Stephan, Santa Rosa: I notice you deleted a large section of the exchange. Here's the first part of it:

PASTIS: got your email... i deny everything.

WEINGARTEN: You already told the chat readers that it was me. I am going to get you for this.

PASTIS: Why does it hurt you so much?

WEINGARTEN: Well, not to get too serious on you, but I've never been good-looking. And I know that. And it hurts to be reminded of that. I'm extremely insecure about my looks.

PASTIS: seriously?

WEINGARTEN: Seriously. Between you and me, I was a virgin until I was 33, and even then, I had to pay for it.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

Be careful, Pastis. I may just publish your REAL IM handle, and then you'll be sorry.

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: "I can't imagine why any man -- with the option of a urinal or a toilet -- would sit to pee, and only to pee"

This raises a question that I have always had, but whenever I ask a guy (brother, husband), they give me this blank stare, mumble something and clam up. Is it a secret?

Sometimes while in the midst of pooping, you also have to pee. Given a man's "equipment", how would you do this without peeing everywhere but in the toilet?

washingtonpost.com: Sometimes I just wonder what the hell we're doing here.

Gene Weingarten: Chatwoman's response has me convulsed.

This is SUCH a great chat. If chats were literature, we'd be Chaucer.

Ma'am, your question betrays some naivete about male physiognomy.

It's just no problem.

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Man who sits...: Well, it only took three years of me reading the chat for this topic to come up.

I am male, 27, happily married, physiologically normal in every relevant respect, and I sit to pee. (Exception: VERY public places, like ball parks, where I feel compelled to avoid those cesspools and go for the urinal.)

My explanation is pretty simple: my mom was a total neatfreak - I was never allowed, at home, to pee standing up. As a result, (a) I'm used to peeing sitting down, and (b) my aim is downright rotten. Once in a blue moon, I try to pee in a toilet (vs. urinal) from a standing position, and the result is uniformly regrettable.

Plus, my wife appreciates it.

Gene Weingarten: Please submit your name and address, and we will send you a complimentary tampon.

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Silver Spring, Md.: About KR Alums:

Knight Ridder ALumni, in Open Letter, Take Stand for 'Excellent Jounralism , ( Editor & Publisher )

Gene Weingarten: JOUNRALISM!

But here you go.

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Stephan, Santa Rosa: And more:

PASTIS: dude, I was just kidding. I didn't know any of that.

WEINGARTEN: No, I know I know I think I'm just extra sensitive these days.

PASTIS: why?

WEINGARTEN: I'm impotent.

Gene Weingarten: We'll just let you go on here, Stephan.

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Stephan, Santa Rosa: And the rest:

PASTIS: whoa, dude do I need to know that?

WEINGARTEN: I'm lonely, Stephan.

PASTIS: yeah, well, anyhow, I gotta take off

WEINGARTEN: Tears are dripping on my keyboard, Stephan.

PASTIS: alright, gene, gotta go.

WEINGARTEN: Can we talk more often, Stephan?

WEINGARTEN: Stephan?

WEINGARTEN: You there?

WEINGARTEN: You there?

Gene Weingarten: Good. Thank you.

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Washington, D.C.: I am a man who occasionally sits to pee. I just like that feeling of "sitting down and thinking about stuff while I poop" that I translated it to the other toilet function. I am embarrassed about it, however.

Gene Weingarten: As you should be.

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The big boob controversy: All the women (I'm going to believe it's women) who are expressing righteous indignation over your comments about long-term relationships with large breasted women would, of course, never reject a man over ear hair, back hair, nose hair, receding hairlines, expanding middle paunches, being too short... I'm sure there's more. A little honesty would be refreshing.

Gene Weingarten: I made no such comment.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Reading your poll results I realized that when I said Pearls was lame I was actually thinking of Fuzzy. I take it all back. Fuzzy is all the bad things I said Pearls was. Pearls is OK, not as good as Mutts.

My question is, am I still a dope?

Joe

Gene Weingarten: Yes. Yes, you are.

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Re: Nancy: Fritzi is vacuuming, you dirty, dirty man!

Gene Weingarten: So you say.

Besides have you never read of those emergency-room cases where guys contend they just happen to have been vacuuming in the nude, when... ?

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Rockville, Md.: "I have a question about the comic strip Nancy: Could Aunt Fritzi be any hotter? "

This cracks me up every time I hear anything like it. Guys, how is it possible the a woman DRAWN, most likely by a man, can be hot? It's not even a (photoshopped) photo!

Also, thanks for clarifying about the large-breasted issue. Woman with ample bosoms have issues, too!

Gene Weingarten: I don't even know where the rumor got started that I expressed any such position.

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Kensington, Md.: Oh hearted one, have you ever disclosed why such a fascination with the comics?

Gene Weingarten: Because comics at their best are a terrific form of humor. I love them.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Gene, if Leiby and Wilbon were drowning, and you only had one life preserver to throw to them, which one would you save (assuming you were sober enough to tell them apart)?

Gene Weingarten: It would be irrelevant whom I threw the preserver at. If Leiby got it first, Wilbon would beat him to death for it.

Have you ever seen Wilbon? Have you ever seen Leiby?

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Washington, D.C.: Gene! The negative comments about women with big breasts are the only time you've ever genuinely said something I thought was upsetting, you could at least own up to them instead of denying them!

Gene Weingarten: I said nothing of the sort. Prove it!

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Memorandum: To: Pastis

Re: Dialogue

Have you seen your script in some newspapers that shrink your cartoon? Please, for these readers, USE BOLDER PRINT!!!

Gene Weingarten: Noted. But I don't see that problem, and The Post runs em pretty small, no?

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NoLo, DC: Maybe it's just me, but I can't help but think that a squirrel raised to think of dogs as its littermates, upon release into the wild, instantly turns into a chew-toy for any other dogs living near by. So while the pictures certainly induce an "Awwww," they also leav me with a feeling of impending doom.

Gene Weingarten: True, true.

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New York: Speaking of minefields, was anyone else a little uneasy about the exchange between you and Molly on the black football player's name?

Gene Weingarten: Well... why? "Chad" is a preppy white-boy name, no? Are we so oversensitized that this seems offensive?

If the running back had been named "Popsy Wetherington IV," would you have thought it odd that we had that debate?

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Anonymous: Robot chat last week was sublime. Could Chatwoman link to the Zombie Survival chat referenced in the robot chat? It was also truly amusing.....

washingtonpost.com: Zombie Survival Guide , ( Live Online, Oct. 30, 2003 )

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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Married, Bliss: Gene! I have a Marriage 101 question - please tell me if this is just part of the game or if I am completely whipped. My wife says that if she is awake, I should be awake, because she enjoys my company. I say, if one of us is tired, they should go to bed. If she falls asleep on the couch in the evening, I let her sleep. If I fall asleep on the couch in the evening, I get pinched until I wake up. Should I be pinching, should she be letting me sleep, or neither?

Gene Weingarten: You should be letting each other sleep. This is weird activity on your wife's part.

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Re: large-breasted women: How could you be so cruel to such an oppressed group? What's next? Picking on Nobel Prize winners, professional athletes, or some other easy target?

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

But I never said nothing of the kind! What is going ON here?

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Alexandria, Va.: Have you ever drawn a comic strip?

Gene Weingarten: Nope. Can't draw. Neither can Dan. We will be working with a pro.

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I'll save you, Gene!: All you said was that a long-term commitment makes big breasts scary. You can still deny droop as a reason and go for cancer!

Gene Weingarten: I said nothing remotely like that.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, thank you all. Another disturbingly excellent chat.

Next week, same time.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, this is what people are referring to:

Gene Weingarten: I am unmoved by large breasts; prefer smaller ones. My mother was small-breasted. So go figure.

In my case I think it has something to do with my answer to a previous question. I believe that, back when I was dating, I never saw a woman as a one-night stand. If I was interested, I was interested long-term, and I tended to prefer small breasts even though I find all women, whatever their dimensions, to be extremely attractive, since I am not at all shallow and have the utmost respect for all body types.

Sorry, that was probably sexist. But true

Gene Weingarten: See, there is nothing even remotely offensive here!

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Gene, the Big Boob: We all know you said you were scared of big boobs because you thought they would end up sagging. And we all know you altered last week's chat to cover your own hairy butt. You are now just as bad as the Bush administration, you shallow liar. I no longer heart you, and I have nice, high, medium boobs.

Gene Weingarten: ME? ALTER THE CHAT ARCHIVE? LIKE SOME STALINIST?

YOU WOUND ME.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

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Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.