Chatological Humor*

aka Tuesdays With Moron

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in The Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything...

This Week's Poll .

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

A very short intro today, in honor of the passing of Richard Pryor, the greatest standup comedian who ever lived.

It's short because I wanted to fill it with Richard Pryor quotes, but found, when I reviewed the tapes, that it is impossible. It's not what he said so much as how he said it. It's also his complete audacity, which was explained magnificently today in Gene Robinson's column. Liz will link to that, below.

Here are a few quotes that survive the translation to print:

"I went to Zimbabwe...I know how white people feel in America now. Relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car, I knew they weren't coming after me."

White people be going, "Why do you [black men] hold your [private parts]? Because you took everything else, you &$#@!s."

Let me tell you what really happened [with his freebasing accident] Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the s--- blew up.

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died f---ing. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

In the memory of Richard Pryor, I'd ask that everyone here buy or rent "Richard Pryor Live at the Sunset Strip." It's not nearly his best work. At all. He was mostly off his game. But there is on that tape five minutes of the greatest standup you will ever see. It is where Pryor is describing the time, at 19, that he worked in a club in Youngstown, Ohio, that was owned by the Mafia. And what happened when he tried to extort money from them with a cap pistol. Richard Pryor does the best Mafioso impression you will ever see, and his body language -using the mike stand to represent his skinny-else self - is also the best you will ever see. He was the best you will ever see. I really hate multiple sclerosis.

Okay, then.

Take the poll. There are correct answers. Dave Barry and I collaborated on them, so you will know they are right. I will explain Dave's choices and mine (we didn't entirely agree) midway through the chat.

Yesterday was "Black Ink Monday," in which 100 newspaper editorial cartoonists drew cartoons decrying newspaper penny-pinching that has eliminated many of their jobs, including that of Pulitzer Prizewinner Michael Ramirez of the LA Times. Liz will link to a site, below, in which all of the cartoons are posted. Here is what is interesting: There are some excellent ones, but for the most part, they are not very good. Many are waay over the top. Hard to keep things in perspective, when you are writing about you.

It is difficult to believe that I am typing the following sentence. It's hard because there is NO muscle memory for it. The Comic Pick of the Week is Saturday's On the Fastrack, and the first runner up is today's Broom Hilda. Gad.

These two are probably not as good as today's Frazz or today's Pearls, which are runners up merely because I had to go for the stunners first.

Okay, let's do it.

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washingtonpost.com: Comic Pick of the Week: On the Fastrack , ( Dec. 10 )

First Runner Up: Broom Hilda , ( Dec. 13 )

Honorable Mentions: Pearls Before Swine , ( Dec. 13 )

Frazz , ( Dec. 13 )

Also:

Pryor the Pioneer , ( Post, Dec. 13 )

Black Ink Monday

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Dear Mr. Weingarten: I am eight years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in Mr. Weingarten's chat, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Gene Weingarten: You blew it. Your place name should have been "Virginia."

However, I shall answer your question.

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. Why, there is a Santa as surely as there is a Virginia! Go to any shopping mall, and behold him. True, he may often look like some homeless guy with a false beard earning a few bucks for booze by forfeiting his self-respect for the further enrichment pf corporate bloodsuckers trying to trick customers into overspending money they don't have on presents they can't afford for people they think they love.

It's love that doesn't exist, Virginia. We all die alone.

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Olsson's Audience: Obligatory: Thanks, Gene, for your lovely intro. I laughed, I cried, only without the crying.

Sincere: Thanks, Jef, for coming to town and being such a nice guy. We're not used to that around here. Thanks also for helping me take care of lots of my Christmas shopping.

Most Sincere: Thanks, Patti, for making sure Jef was wearing pants.

Question time: So who else of colossally minor fame was in attendance? There are rumors...

Gene Weingarten: There were several Style Invitational Stars, including the incredible (and sadly retired) Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Also Paul Kondis and Mike Connaghan. The most famous attendee was the brilliant Richard Thompson, who (as is his custom) wished anonymity, so I did not introduce him. My son, Dan, was also there. One attendee complimented him on having gotten his mother's looks.

Gene Weingarten: Chatwoman was also there. Actually, she was the most famous attendee.

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Washington, D.C.: Dear Gene,

As you may recall, I met you last night at Ollson's. I was the young lady, who despite my misgivings, purchased your book "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death."

As a hypochondriac, I was hoping that a book geared towards hypochondriacs and written by a former hypochondriac might give me some insights into managing my mental affliction (despite the fact that the author autographed my book with "Don't read this book!").

After perusing such chapters as "How Your Doctor Can Kill You" and "Hiccups Can Mean Cancer," I am now convinced that I have erythema multiforme. Thanks, Gene!

Nonetheless, I still believe you to be a genius. I am no longer reading anymore of your damn book, however.

As a side note, I once wrote into you asking what a man's greatest fear was. You replied public speaking (after death and failing in the sack, of course). You did great last night!!

I heart you!!!

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. There is a pretty dramatic drop in intensity of fear from "failing in the sack" to "public speaking," though.

It is wise to stop reading the book before you get to Wegner's Granulomatosis. Just don't go there.

Gene Weingarten: Wegener's

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Wifely Duties: Gene, there is something my wife will not do for me that I need done. Ex-girlfriends have done it willingly (one, with great gusto). But my wife lets me down.

She will not pop the pimples on my back.

I am no jerk. I know it's gross. But it has to be done, and I can't reach 'em.

Am I being unreasonable? Pimples can hurt. And not being able to reach a big one drives me nuts. If she won't pop it, who will?

She won't even let me get the ones on her back. She is against the whole idea of popping.

Unfortuately, circumstances dictated that popping pimples become a major hobby of mine in high school. So I have gotten past my squeamishness. Why can't she? I have needs!

Thanks Gene. You're the best.

Gene Weingarten: This reminds me of the great infantile joke about the Professional Pimple Sucker. And, by extension, the More Adult Version involving the man seated next to a woman on a train.

As for you, I recommend a belt sander. You can mount it on a pole, like a backscratcher.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,

You're column this weekend reminds me to ask a question I've been meaning to raise for a long time. What's the best knock-knock joke you know?

My five-year-old daughter loves them, but tells them horribly. For example, she goes directly for "knock-knock, who's there?, orange..." without ever having prompted you with the "knock-knock, who's there?, banana..." refrains.

Terrible, I know. But, I want to teach her a good one nonetheless.

Thanks

washingtonpost.com: Humor Cop , ( Post Magazine, Dec. 11 )

Gene Weingarten: Hm. I think knock knock jokes are so idiotic, that the best are ones that subvert the form. Like, asking someone to say, "Knock knock" and when they do, you say, "who's there?"

I once wrote a knock knock joke. Knock-knock. Who's there? Your underwear. Your underwear who? Your underwear the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.

That is not the best knock knock joke ever.

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Iowa: Artificial or real? Your holiday tree, I mean.

Gene Weingarten: Real. Gimme a break.

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Rockville, Md.: I'm a nurse that works the night shift. The following really happened to me. I was making the 5 a.m. rounds when I found a patient not breathing. I called a code and started CPR. There was only one other nurse with me on the station and she was helping with the code. Meanwhile another patient of mine suffering from Alzheimer's got out of bed, walked into the bathromm in her room, removed her poopy diaper, spilling its contents on the floor. She stepped in it on her way out of her room and wandered down to another station leaving poopy footprints along the way. By the time I was finished with the code and came out of the room, another nurse had walked my wanderer back to my station. I started laughing when I realized what had happened. Was I wrong to laugh?

Gene Weingarten: No. Humor is a reaction to the fear of death and the knowledge of the fact that we are trapped in an insane and absurd world. I am writing a cover story this very minute on that very subject.

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Potomac, Md.: This is not really the sort of question you usually get, I think, but as a writer I would find your position on the issue very interesting.

How do you view and propose the public view art (by this I encompass literature, movies, etc.) from the past which are very good in many ways but because of the time in which they were written/created, they are inherantly racist to one degree or another? (Or in some other way no longer politically correct.)

I am thinking specifically of "Gone with the Wind," though I would personally partially defend it on the grounds that many characters, both black and white, are rather one dimensional. (Scarlett saves it. Rhett helps, but it is her.)

As a very feminist, I also sometimes wonder at the irony in that there is so much taboo surrounding sections of history which are racist, while many still produce such in which women (or racial groups) are stereotyped or shown as second-class or one-dimensional (though less blatantly in many cases).

By the way, I am a high school girl. Totally for equality of everyone. But those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it...

Thanks, Gene!

Gene Weingarten: Three of my treasured possessions are of this type. They are treasured because they carry lessons.

1. A first edition paperback of Agatha Christies "Ten Little Niggers." Yes, believe it or not, that was the original title. it also has blatantly antisemitic writing in it.

2. A photo from 1860 Atlanta with a sign advertising "Negro Sales."

3. A Victrola recording of one of the most objectionable songs ever written, "Massa's in de Cold, Cold, Ground."

I don't believe in erasing the past. I believe in learning from it.

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Taos, NM: Hy Gene --

Taosim guy here, again. I've been thinking about whether Taosim is funny. The great teachings are all stories that have little twists at the end, sort of like a punchline. But upon review, few of them are funny. An example is Chuang Tzu's "Three Friends":

There were three friends

Discussing life.

One said:

"Can men live together

And know nothing of it?

Work together

And produce nothing?

Can they fly around in space

And forget to exist

World without end?"

The three friends looked at each other

And burst out laughing.

They had no explanation.

Thus they were better friends than before..."

So yeah, I guess you had to be there.

Judaism, on the other hand, easily wins my vote. The Old Testament is actually very humorous, even ribald in spots. God speaks out of Balaam's ass -- and that's as funny today as it was 4,000 years ago. People have been sniggering over Song of Solomon for centuries ("You are like a stately palm tree, and your breasts are like coconuts...", etc.). Even the book of Job has a witty sort of feel to it.

Gene Weingarten: I chose Judaism, too.

I seem to recall another Taoist homily, about how hell is a table of people trying and failing to eat, because their chopsticks are three feet long. Heaven is the same thing, but they are feeding each other. Ew.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, don't you mean LEIbniz-, not Liebnizianism?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I do.

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Jeanne Marie, Alaska: Gene,Your column is always the first thing I read each Sunday, but I am not sure how to treat the "Significant Others" column that is on your backside. (or maybe you are its backside?) While I do read it, about half the time I wonder why I bother. It has exactly two story arcs: either the I-feel-smugly-superior-until hoisted-on-my-own-petard, or the I-worry-myself-into-a-dither until-others-reveal-me-for-a-ninny line. I often get the feeling it's not really intended for the Y-chromosome set. (I'm a 44-year-old male, btw.) In fact, it seems like the print equivalent of, say, almond-scented moisturizer -- I would be mortified if my buddies caught me reading it. And yet every so often it contains some little kernel that redeems it. Am I a girly-man to read it? Or, to get meta, am I a girly-man for even wondering such a question? Is it permissible as a guilty pleasure, or simply verboten? I'm sure you have an opinion, and I will accept your judgment as definitive.

(Actually, it wasn't until after I wrote all this that I had a brainstorm: why don't you do a column together, a la the great Gene & Gina ones?)

Gene Weingarten: Oddly enough, I have just had a spirited discussion with Tom The Butcher about Jeanne Marie's column! It involved the fact that, for my column, I have to go places and interview people and make a fool of myself and, sometimes literally, drop trou (upcoming column, whereas Jeanne Marie merely has to, like, interview her daughter. Tom sensitively pointed out that I could get away with this, too, if I had a scintilla of her talent.

Jeanne Marie is an excellent essayist. You don't have to feel guilty about reading her stuff. If you send me your name and address, however, I will mail you a tampon.

(Speaking of which, will the LAST guy I promised to mail a tampon to please ID himself again, and for verification, identify how he won this gift? I will comply.)

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,You have a Christ-mas tree? I got the impression from the chat with your kids that you were Jewish. What holidays do you celebrate?

Gene Weingarten: The rib was born Roman Catholic. We are pagan. We have a tree. We love Christmas.

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Adams Morgan, Washington, D.C.: My brother has Wegner's Granulomatosis. Not pretty. He does claim that his use of alchohol stopped the disease from killing his liver. It just hit the rest of his organs.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, man. Sorry. It really is dreadful. The worst thing about it, is that it usually presents as an ordinary cold. So anytime you get a cold, Wegener's is a possibility.

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Holiday tree?: Please tell me that whoever wrote that was being tongue in cheek.

I don't mind wishing people a Happy Holidays or Season's Greetings, even though I celebrate Christmas. Not everyone does, that's fine. But I can't think of any other reason to put a tree in your house in December other than Christmas. The holiday spruce downtown (until this year) was just a joke. Both sides of the "war on Christmas" need to lighten up.

Gene Weingarten: There is no war on Christmas. That is totally ridiculous. Are people actually accusing George W of being anti-Christian?

Hey, Lizzie, can you link to Ruth Marcus's excellent oped piece from yesterday, I think, on this subject?

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From the WC Yahoo Group: Gene, FYI, in addition to the notables you mentioned who were in attendance last night, there were several members of the Yahoo group of Weingarten Chatters, or WC. Mike of the Style Invitational Losers is a WC-er as well, and there were at least two others of us (I was the one with the sign that read "Poop."). Sorry for failing to throw panties, but we figured it might disconcert Jef.

Gene Weingarten: Jef would have fainted. I saw no poop shirt. Dan, however, tells me you hid it on your lap!

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washingtonpost.com: What 'War on Christmas'? , ( Post, Dec. 12 )

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IMHO, It's Only Money: If the editorial cartoonists don't think that their employers should put money ahead of their cartoons, perhaps they should work for free.

Gene Weingarten: Let's not go overboard. They are basically right. The money managers tend to dislike editorial cartoonists, because no one offends the rich and powerful more than editorial cartoonists do (at least the good ones.)

There is great hypocrisy in canning them for financial reasons. Their cause is just.

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Brain Teaser from NPR: Hi,

I heard a brain teaser on NPR and I didn't hear the answer and I can't figure it out -- HELP!

Here's the set up...

Take the word DEBUNK. Read forward from the B and you get bunk. Read backward from the B and you get bed. Put it together and you get bunk bed.

So the teaser is...

There is a word with an M in the middle. Using the same logic used in the bunk bed/debunk example -- figure out the word that describes a job title.

Any idea?

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: This seems a bit nerdy and random, but I will put it out there, for the random nerds.

I began by assuming it would begin and therefore end with "man," but the dic didn't supply any words. Yes, I spent some time on it.

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Defeca, TE: I actually did the poll before the chat today, and I noticed something interesting about the last question.... Colace, Surfak, Docusate and Doxidan are all the same medication. (I know this because I am a doctor, not because I am a really constipated person). This did not harm the humor of the question... poop.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't know that!

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Arlington, Va.: Hi Gene,I had to write in after taking your poll this morning. For your last question about stool softeners, I had to say Doxidan only because I had a key chain when I was little (my dad was a pharmaceutical sales rep) that, on one side was a smiley face, the other side said:"Doxidan in the AM for a BM in the PM."

To this day, I like to repeat this fun, little saying in my head. I used to, on a regular basis, ask one of my parent's friends what BM meant because I always enjoyed making her feel uncomfortable and thought it was so funny! I think my parents still have the key chain in their basement. I need to find it.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Arlington, Va.: Funny?

You know how in elevators they have a plaque with the name of the elevator manufacturer like Otis or whatever? Well a couple of days ago I got on one where the manufacturer was named Schindler. It was then that I realized I was on Schindler's Lift.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Gene,

Interesting ombusperson column this weekend, Harris and new ombuswoman vs. Dan Froomkin.

A few minutes ago there were 600+ comments posted to the blog on the subject, 99.99 percent in favor of Froomkin.

Care to weigh in on the controversy?

washingtonpost.com: The Two Washington Posts , ( Post, Dec. 11 )

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. The Post reporters are wrong. Deborah is wrong. Froomkin is right. His column is really good, and I don't much CARE if people get confused about whether he works for the Post or dotcom. Fact is, he works for both, and he is a columnist, and columnists have opinions, and people understand that.

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New Winsconsin Motto: I'm really torn over Sunday's contest about making up State Mottos since I know a great one, but it's not original-- so I'll send it to you. A motto for Wisconsin: "Eat Cheese or Die".

Gene Weingarten: Good.

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knock, knock: Who's there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you.

Ahhhhh.

Gene Weingarten: That may be the worst ever.

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Siberia, NY: Hey dad. I am sitting in class bored right now. Pathology is boring. Though I do like the term "liquifactive necrosis."

Don't put this up or anything. I am just writing in.

Gene Weingarten: Hi, Mol.

I wouldn't dream of posting this. However I am going to cut and paste the email you sent me this morning.

Hi, dad.

Why Vet School Is Hard

We are expected to conduct ourselves in a professional and businesslike fashion in front of her owners while discussing Little Muffy's "vaginogram." Just try saying the word without laughing. I thought so.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,When I was 19, I got my belly button pierced. I wore little skimpy shirts that showed it off, and men thought it was hot. Now I am 30. I'm not sure if a belly ring on a 30-year-old woman is considered hot. Plus, I don't ever wear skimpy shirts anymore.

Should I get rid of the belly ring, or keep it, just in case it would ever come in handy? It's mostly just annoying to me at this point. I am fairly certain that you are the only person qualified to answer this question. Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: This, I think, requires an important discussion. What are the most revolting and disturbing piercings?

I am something of a curmudgeon on this question. I recall being a little bothered when Molly got a second ear piercing at the age of 16 or so. Two little studs of different colors in each ear. My wife had to talk me off the ledge. I never communicated this to Mol, but my fear was that this was the first step toward a career giving BJs to strangers on 14th Street NW. Or something.

I have become much less uptight about this subject. I have seen five-stud ears that didn't make me lose my lunch. It is when the piercings migrate from ears to other areas that I get queasy.

Here's my list, in increasing order of lunch-losing:

1. Side of nostril

2. Eyebrow

3. Belly Button

4. Below the mouth and above the chin. (Surely this area has a name, right? If not, I would suggest "Nopiercingzone.")

5. Through the septum of the nose, like a bull.

6. Genitalia

7. Tongue

The complete insanity of tongue piercing, of course, involves the simple fact that IT LEAVES YOU UNABLE TO TALK COHERENTLY. Have you ever tried to understand Today's Specials from a waitress with a tongue stud? Yes, children, I am aware of the supposed sexual benefits. The binding of 18th century Japanese ladies' feet also delivered supposed sexual benefits. It doesn't make it right.

To answer the chatter's question directly, lose the ring.

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Washington, D.C.: I may have a new category for you to explore regarding gender differences. When my wife and I go to a restaurant with other couples, I notice that the men can, and do, scan a menu of great length and make their selections in a matter of minutes. The women, on the other hand, invariably have to ask the waiter to come back in about, oh, 10 minutes. They (the women) have to compare the possibilities with each other and with the men, discuss the relative merits of each, complement each other's potential selections, etc. In your experience, is this the norm?

Gene Weingarten: I hate to miss an opportunity to perpetrate outrageous gender stereotyping, but in my experience, no.

Just last night for example, I was at dinner with Chatwoman and Patty Mallett, both of whom are female, and my son Dan, and Jef Mallett, both of whom are male. Patty and Chatwoman made their selections in seconds, without consultation. Dan and I had some small discussion. Jef, as I recall, didn't even look at the menu but just ordered Meat, and ripped it apart with his bare hands.

So, no. The women of my acquaintance are not restaurant fussbudgets.

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Lansing, Mich.: No, thank YOU, Olssen's audience, for making our trip to D.C. so worth it. I was delighted to come along for the ride as a wholly unnecessary appendage to my kind-of-famous husband, who has not yet forgotten to wear pants in any of his appearances. (There's still time, though.)

(I also want to thank the woman, bless her, who heard my frantic phone calls to Olssen's while we were on the train on our late way to dinner with Gene and Dan and Liz and who tore an ad for the Thai restaurant we were trying to find out of her magazine and passed it to me so we could let Gene and Dan and Liz know we were going to be late...)

And Gene -- Jef's digital watch DOES have an alarm. Handy when you need to get up at 5 a.m. to catch a flight back to the snowy Midwest.

Gene Weingarten: Jef was funny, but the funniest thing about the evening was the Thai waitress, trying to explain to us that Jef had called, and that he was going to be late. Her English was somewhat substandard, and it was extremely difficult not to snort won ton soup through my nose.

The second funniest thing goes to the nature of journalists. When it became apparent that Jef and Patty were really delayed, and we hadn't heard from them, Liz said she hoped that nothing terrible had happened.

There was a brief silence, and then I said, "Man, I hope they're not dead. I would have to entertain the audience all by myself."

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Insignificant others: Gene, I am certifiably female, and I also find Jeanne Marie Laskas's column unbearably cloying. (I do, however, read it every week. Not sure what that says about my gender.)

Gene Weingarten: She is insidious, that way. That means she is good.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Regarding the laughing nurse: I've got a cancer that's incurable at present and have spent many a night in the hospital oncology ward listening to the nurses laughing -- I mean, really busting-out laughing. I understand why they're laughing -- I laugh, too -- but good form does say they should try to keep the volume down.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed.

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Knock Knock: Funniest has to be the Interrupting Cow, no? Genre-subversive and brilliant in its simplicity.

Plus you get to moo.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, that is a very good knock knock joke, and subversive.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene, I couldn't care less what Froomkin writes, but the issue of the column was that it's labeled as "White House Reporting" or some such garbage. And that is wrong.

washingtonpost.com: That'd be "White House Briefing "

Gene Weingarten: What's wrong with White House Briefing?

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Fairfax, Va.: Gene, I asked last time about what's become of Joe Martin (Mr. Boffo, Cats with Hands). I guess you didn't have time to check into it? I miss him.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, I did check it. Joe has parted company with his Syndicate, and is syndicating himself. A gutsy move. He hasn't lost his newspapers, but he has lost his Web connection. It is tragic.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: Let it be clear that the ombudsman did not say it was a bad idea for The Post's Web site to have a highly opinionated columnist. She was arguing that the name of the column should not be "White House Briefing." "Briefing" is indeed a lousy word for "my personal opinion on."

Gene Weingarten: Well, why? First off, most of the column is links to what others have written. It is "Brief." I don't get it.

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Fairfax, Va.: Since we're discussing the ombudsman, I noticed a letter to the editor in Saturday's paper referring to a past ombudsman column, in which she stated that if it was obvious that complaints were part of a concerted effort, she'd be less likely to pay attention to them.

To me, that meant that if she got 1,000 e-mails with the exact same wording -- a cut and paste complaint organized by some group just as "hey, e-mail them this exact letter" -- then yeah, she should ignore it. The letter writer interpreted it as meaning if some organization said "The Post wrote such-and-such, here's where you should complain" then it would be ignored.

What's your interpretation, and what's your opinion -- are organized complaints less worthy of attention?

Gene Weingarten: Yes. Of both sorts.

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Alexandria, Va.: Are you sure you attended Bronx Science? I looked at their Prominent Alumni Web page and it doesn't include you. Apparently you are outclassed by such luminaries as Marissa Piesman, co-author of "The Yuppie Handbook," and Lisa Schiffren, "Author of VP Quayle's Murphy Brown Speech."

Or maybe you aren't listed because you were never there. If so, you can tell us; we would never hold it against you.I'm sure we can all understand why a man of such limited intellect would need to embellish his academic credentials.If (when) your false statements get you fired, we should be able to get you a job scooping dog poop off the sidewalk. That would be an improvement on the work you currently shovel out.

Gene Weingarten: I was there. I have strenuously avoided mention in their Prominent Alumni Web page.

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Not Pola, ND: Wish you had given us Thailand as a choice for funniest country. This is the land that has given us food that burns twice (arriving and departing) a place named Phuket, people with names like Upakit Utnapipipoonporn (yes, those syllables are for real in Thai names), and more ways to enjoy oneself than are strictly appropriate.

Gene Weingarten: Just yesterday, Dave Barry emailed me with a link to a now deceased (I think) Thai scholar named Bhalachandra Dikshit.

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Wilmington, Del.: Please explain holiday tipping to me. Are we really supposed to give every service worker that we have crossed paths with in the last year a minimum of $20?

Am I just a grinch because I think that if I can't pick a single one of my garbage men or apartment office staff out of a lineup, that maybe I shouldn't have to get them a gift?

I really am curious to hear your take on this because I am not entirely sure what it will be. Unlike your stance on weddings, I really don't know this.

And do you think engagement rings are ridiculous as well? What about wedding rings?

washingtonpost.com: Did you miss yesterday's tipping discussion ?

Gene Weingarten: Well, I don't know what my newspaper delivery guys look like, because I am generally staggering into the bathroom to brush my teeth when they arrive. But they do me a service, and they do it well. Same with the garbage guys.

There are about five such people who affect my life, and a hundred bucks once a year doesn't seem like an extraordinary thank you, does it?

Wedding rings are not ridiculous, because they are a semaphore. They impart information. I am opposed to engagement rings for the same reason I am opposed to engagements, for the same reason I don't think much of big weddings, for the same reason I haven't a whole huge amount of respect for getting married.

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Belly But, TN: Oh, Gene, Gene, Gene...

I heartily disagree with your advice to 30-yo. navel pierce.

As a 40-year-old male, I feel qualified to comment, because I'm too old to be one of the pierce-everything crowd, and I agree with your top-10 gross piercings for the most part. But you make two mistakes: One, you leave out nipples, which skeeves me no end; and two, in failing to realize that pierced navels are like VPL: On the properly tuned body part, they are as sexy as all get out.

Gene Weingarten: How did I miss nipples? They would be number five. I have to say, I have never seen one, except in pictures. And even the pictures bother me.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Side of nostril as the least repulsive? You are aware that the stud has to have a back to it right? A back of an earing in your nose? Care to see what that looks like whne they take it out?

Gene Weingarten: That's THEIR problem. The look doesn't bother me much, at all, though. I like the asymmetry of it.

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Funniest Country: In today's poll, you forgot to list Equitorial Guinea in the list of funniest countries. I believe this is the only country name that requires an adjective as part of the name. That's got to be worth something.

Gene Weingarten: Um, you seem to have forgotten about "United" States.

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Butte, MT or Rect, AL: Your stool softener question emboldens me to inquire about the proper pronounciation of the useful product spelled Anusol. And can you imagine the brainstorming session that resulted in that name?

Gene Weingarten: It's my favorite product. They pronounce it AN-you-sol, but really, that is like the SNL skit about Mr. Ahs-wee-pay, or the (mythical) kid named Shi-theed.

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McLean, Va.: So Gene -- What are your thoughts about the story in this morning's WP about the expensive Bar/Bat Mitzvahs? I found it appalling and I think the parents need to be cracked across the skull with a baseball bat to knock some sense into them. These excesses just reinforce stereotypes that we as a people have been working for years to overcome.

washingtonpost.com: 13 and Counting , ( Post, Dec. 13 )

Gene Weingarten: Well, I think you know what I think about this. A shanda for the goyim.

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Fuzzy Math: The quote below is from a story in The Post a couple of weeks ago. As a former editor yourself, can you please explain it for me?

"Estimates for the total debris left from Katrina reach nearly 100 million cubic yards, with one cubic yard ROUGHLY equivalent to the volume of a three-square-foot box." (emphasis added)

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Gene Weingarten: Frankly, that's idiotic on a number of levels. Why is the second sentence even necessary?

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Maryland: This week's Doonesbury strips have me teary-eyed for some reason. I think he's set things up nicely, and is showing part of the way, way under-reported issues dealing with soldiers when they come home, injured or not.

And, for the record, I am one of those cold-hearted, meat eating republicans. But, obviously, I am female.

washingtonpost.com: Doonesbury

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. These are brilliant.

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Kensington, Md.: Gene, I picked Uttara Mimamsa because for some reason, the two words reminded me of uterus and mimosa. I am female. I love mimosas. Every woman I know loves a good mimosa. I may have to pop a bottle of bubbly and squeeze some OJ right now. Mmmmmm mimosa!

Gene Weingarten: It is a good rationale, and a good choice, but not the right choice.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

I believe the correct answer is Latvia. Dave chose Burkina Faso. To me, you got to go with Eastern Europeans with babuschkas.

Question Two:

Dave's answer:

I say Taoism, for two reasons:

1. I don't think any Taoists live near me.

2. I once wrote a column about a guy who could lift REALLY heavy weights with his penis, and I'm pretty sure he gave the credit to Taoism.

This is a pretty good answer. I chose Judaism, for obvious reasons. More to come in a second.

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Gene Weingarten: On question 3, Dave says:

Tough call, between Uttara Mimamasa and the Philosophy of the Post-Nicene Fathers, but I am going with the latter.

Dave is correct. It is simply wonderfully pompous sounding, overly complicated and self-important.

You did well on the sports one. The answer is baseball, obviously, because of the stunning lack of inaction that is taken so seriously.

And lastly, we also agreed: Surfak. Just because. It's the sound. If you don't get it, you don't get it.

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Learning about the Newspaper: How do you? I mean, where is it explained that there is a difference between journalists and columnists? And what exactly does Op-Ed mean?

Gene Weingarten: Op ed is a complicated term that simply cannot be explained to non journalists.

(It, um, means "the page geographically OPposite to the EDitorial page.)

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Dunn Loring, Va.: Re: declining revenues -- The Post...

Y'know, if washingtonpost.com put up one of those Pay Pal "Donate" buttons on their home page, I would happily chip in $100, maybe even more. I have enjoyed several years of access to the Post for free, and would be more than willing to pony up my share.

I'm sure other folks feel the same way. There are 8 million readers, the Ombudsman says -- sounds to me like the Post could make a few bucks this way.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. That's actually interesting.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Seconding the fact that deliberate mass mailings to an organization (like a Member of Congress...) get less notice than one real and thoughtful note. We chuck those "sign here and send it to your Congressman" letters/postcards/emails. We respond diligently to the nice veterans who hand write or type a letter, even if they are complaining about something we did.

Gene Weingarten: yeah. It's obvious.

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Laurel, Md.: "The rib was born Roman Catholic. We are pagan. We have a tree. We love Christmas."

Exactly! Christmas (and to a lesser extent Easter) is the perfect expresion of exactly what Christianity is... a merge of equal parts Judaism and the paganism of the Roman Empire.

Gene Weingarten: True. There is no info, in fact, of when Christ was born. The holiday was placed in December to correspond with already existing pagan rituals.

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Ge, EK: I got annoyed trying to figure out the Sudoku puzzles, so I wrote a Java program that will solve one in 10 seconds. Took me about an hour to write it. Does this make me a genius for coming up with the most efficient way to solve the puzzle, or just a serious geek?

Gene Weingarten: I am guessing the puzzles are generated precisely the same way. But you ARE a geek.

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Just a Bill on Cap Hi,ll: I'm actually posting this late but found out that if I get my car up tp 88 mph and get struck by lightning, I appear to be posting it early. Are you still shaving with a straight razor? If so, you could use these to hide any cuts. People will think you just hurried through breakfast. Or perhaps just walk around with one in your mustache for fun! Now, where did I put that flux capacitor??

Yours in poopness.

Gene Weingarten: I am, in fact, still using a straight razor. And this product is excellent. Thanks.

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Which is the deadest name?: A. Busta

B. Biggie

C. Tookie

D. Tupac

Gene Weingarten: Chief Gonnagetcha.

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Over the river and past the pentagon: Gene, it's interesting that the demographic poll a couple of weeks ago revealed that 75 percent of the women in the chat don't have kids. That could explain the neurotic bathroom behaviour of participants here -- once you've gone through childbirth (ladies, when you push, it's not just the baby that moves out) and taking care of a child's bathroom needs, being emabarrassed about using the loo just seems silly.

I've probably just scared most of your female audience into requesting c-sections.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I was surprised by that poll result myself. I meant to mention it. I think the reason may be that the chat audience is substantially younger than the general audience.

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Froomkin fan: A more apt title might be "White House DE-Briefing," for showing us how naked the little emperor really is.

Say, why does the Post's Ombudswoman have any role here, if the website is a different entity?

Gene Weingarten: Good points!

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Lansing, Mich.: Jef just wrote and sent a REALLY NICE NOTE, and then our computer puked. Didja get it?

washingtonpost.com: Nope... nada.

Gene Weingarten: Try again. But if it's TOO nice, I won't post it.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: briefing:

1. The act or an instance of giving instructions or preparatory information to someone.

2. A meeting at which such information is presented.

3. The information conveyed at such a meeting.

The key word is INFORMATION. not opinion. "White House Briefing" is a play on the announcements given by the White House to the press. It doesn't give the slightest idea of being an opinion; in fact, it implies the opposite.

washingtonpost.com: To me, "briefing" communicates exactly what Dan produces -- a round up. It's opinionated, yes, but I would argue that "White House Briefing" is not alone in failing to clearly identify a column as opinion content.

Gene Weingarten: I vote for the solution from the previous poster. De-Briefing.

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Canada: I've been looking through the 101 Black Monday editorial cartoons and see several references to what's obviously a historical analogy with somebody saying "Stop those damn pictures" - do you know what that's about?

Gene Weingarten: I believe it is Boss Tweed complaining about Thomas Nast's cartoons.

Do you know that Nast was responsible for coinage of the word "Nasty"?

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Fairfax, Va.: Countries with adjectives -- Saudi Arabia, East Timor, South Africa, North Korea, South Korea -- the list is endless! Has the previous poster ever looked at a map of the world?

Gene Weingarten: Well, I would argue that geographic adjectives don't count. United States is the best of all of them, though.

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Dupont Circle, Washington, D.C.: The piercing question reminded me of a friendly quarrel my girlfriend and I have carried on intermittently; she put the question to her co-workers at her holiday party this weekend, so I put it to you:

When parents get little girls' ears pierced (really little, like infants), doesn't it seem a little cheap?

Gene Weingarten: Yes. I think it is ooky.

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Washington, D.C.: You had wonton soup at a Thai restaurant?

Gene Weingarten: Thai wonton. A very different thing. Really good.

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Laskas: Only for women who are feeling particularly emotional. No one is allowed to read her column unless they wear a pink robe while doing so.

Gene Weingarten: Only for women who are feeling particularly emotional.

Hahahahaha.

I won't touch that line with a fork.

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Jef tries again quick: Thanks. To lotsa people. That was pretty much it, but with more gushing.

Also I found the analog watch in my luggage, and it seems not to be working. Not that the fully functional digital watch got me anywhere on time the whole weekend.

Also you didn't sign your portrait of me, and you didn't take mine of you. You have to promise to sign the one or I auction the other off for charity on the WC Yahoo group.

But yeah, thanks to everyone. But especially to the magazine-page lady on the subway and the earnest waitress at the Thai place.

Off I go.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, okay. And with that, off I go.

The tragic news is not only that there is no chat next week, but that live online will go dark AFTER that, too. Liz will tell you when to meet us back here.

Farewell. See you in the new year.

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washingtonpost.com: Gene makes it sound like we got canceled. Sheesh.

Live Online will be dark the week of Dec. 26 - Jan. 2. Gene's show will be back Jan. 3.

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Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.