Post Magazine: Dave Barry's Year in Review

How wack was 2005? Martha Stewart did time. Michael Jackson got off.The star of Washington's biggest scandal was named "Scooter." And fouryears after 9/11, Katrina turned out to be a bigger threat than Osama.

Crazy stuff, but not to worry: Eminent historian Dave "'Booger" Barry, will be online Tuesday, Jan. 3, to field questions and comments about his essay in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine .

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Dave Barry: Hey, chatters. Thanks for coming. I apologize in advance for typos, but this morning I went to the opthalmologist, and he put drops in my eyes, and I can barely see. I am wearing sunglasses as I type thee words.

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Fan of someone(s): Dave,

Some say that you discovered Gene Weingarten. How do you respond to these charges?

-Truth Seekers

Dave Barry: He was nothing when I found him. Of course, he's nothing now, either. But many more people are aware of this.

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Alexandria, Va.: Dave, what were you thinking in revealing the ending of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? I can't believe Tom the Butcher left it in. I still heart you, though.

Dave Barry: So you didn't already know that Albus Dumbledore was, biologically, a woman?

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New York, N.Y.: Did you follow the preceeding Gene Weingarten chat? Where do you stand on the exitance of Jesus, and how should one wipe?

Dave Barry: Thre is no biblical record that I know of that Jesus ever exited.

One should wipe thoroughly.

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Washington, DC: Dave, I asked Gene this same question, and would be eager to see your response as well.

I'm a lifelong Redskins fan, and went through the usual emotional responses while watching the game on Sunday. Upon seeing my excitement at the conclusion of the game, my girlfriend looked at me and asked simply, "Why do you care?"

I've got to admit, the question caught me for a loss, and I couldn't explain why it makes me so happy to see a team I root for do well. The win doesn't affect me in any tangible way...I don't receive any of the money, fame, or glory that the players do. Dave, I need you help as a writer and a sports fan to help me put into words why I care about the success of the teams I root for.

Thanks!

Dave Barry: In my case, I care because how hard I root has an actual, physical effect on the outcome of the game. For example, in the 1980s, in a critical game between the Phildelphia 76ers and the Boston Puke Vomits, a friend of mine named Buzz and I were able, by intense rooting, to cause Larry Bird to miss THREE FREE THROWS, thus enabling the 76ers to win the game.

Whereas in your case, it's just stupid.

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Hotda, Minn.: As always, a wonderfully funny review; but I have to point out an apparently unintentional error - Mark McGwire is not the single season homerun record holder. I can understand you missing, I know you're not a baseball fan - but doesn't judi proof read?

Dave Barry: I originally had him as the all-time home-run champ, and judi corrected that to the single-seaon champ. But now that I read your comment, I'm thinking you're right -- Bonds now holds the single-season record, yes?

I of course take full responsibility for this error, although really it's judi's fault. But she does a heckuva job.

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Washington, DC: I have loved your column for over 15 years, ever since my 7th grade teacher read it to our class every Monday. What have you been doing during your break from newspaper writing?

Dave Barry: I have been learning the guitar lick to "Day Tripper." The E and the A are easy. But the B is HARD.

Also I have written several books, one of which will soon be for sale, unless the publisher is playing a big joke on me.

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Yo Booger!!: Dude, you think 2005 was wack, wait until you see 2006!! This year, all the puppies that are now being born in New Orleans after people had to leave their pets behind (The big starving dog orgy of 2005) will be left behind when the south floods again next summer, and we are going to have the largest doggie-boom in history. The pet health care issue will take center place in the midterm elections and the kibble entitlements alone will break the budget. The only hope for the future is if my daughter gives me another Dave Barry book for Chrismas next year!!

peace,

jlp

Dave Barry: OK.

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San Diego, Calif.: If you were to guess, what would Dubya choose as a nickname for you?P.S. You're doin' a heck of a job, Dinglebarry!

Dave Barry: "T-Bone"

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Arlington, Va.: Hi Dave,

Please come back! Gene needs someone to slap him around a little.

Dave Barry: He has people who do that for him now.

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High above Grand Central Terminal: Katrina, Story of the year, storm of the millenium. How come no-one blamed the press and media for all those "New Orleans missed a bullet" stories we saw? Very few stories on the enviro challenges to upgrading the levees and dikes.

The Devastation in NO was horrific, yet other gulf cities were scraped off the map, yet we see few news stories out of Gulfport, Biloxi, and Port Christian.

Dave Barry: I blame the press for everything. Including hemorrhoids.

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San Francisco, Calif.: Dave, I have the dreaded "bat-wing" syndrome. Is there anything I can do about it?

Dave Barry: Yes. You can put talcum powder on your... on your...

No, there's nothing you can do.

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Bethesda, Md.: Nothing about Barry Manilow? Did he die, or something?

Dave Barry: No, he's here with me. He does my keyboard work on these chats.

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Canaduh: Hey Dave,

If you had total control of the federal government for a day, what bills would you pass?

Boogers!

Dave Barry: That's easy:

-- I would make it legal to cheat on your taxes. I mean, even more legal than t is now.

-- I would mandate the death penalty for whoever is responsible for "low-flow" toilets.

-- Also, somebody would have to pay for "light" beer.

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Westminster Md. : Hey Dave,

Do you still have the same answering machine greeting? About 10 years ago I called you about adding your column to my newspaper, and your greeting was a riff on "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes", inserting the words "She asked me how I knew/her brazziere was blue..."

Anyway, you didn't call back, and I found another columnist. Your loss.

Dave Barry: Actually, that answering-machine message was:

They asked me how I knew

Raccoon poo was blue

So I smiled and said

You has been misled

Raccoon poo is red

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Adams Morgan, Washington, DC: Thanks for the 2005 article, Dave. I just wanted to let you know that if you gave up the column to run the blog, we (by which I mean, I) would rather have the columns.

Dave Barry: I appreciate that. But the column demands are a lot less flexible, and a lot more of a time commitment, than the blog. So it's not really one or the other.

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Nashville, Tenn.: Dear Mr. So-Called Barry, as the case may be:

I am an up-and-coming urban street lyricist (talentless hack from your blog) and I and my associates are contemplating the deeper metaphysical meanings of Kevin Federline's epic ghetto anthem, "Po Po Po Po, Popo Zao Popo Zao!"My associates believe it refers to the disenfranchisement of today's youth when faced with society's weakening family structure, whereas I believe it is retarded.I will now turn this in to a question by including a question mark?

Dave Barry: You will get no argument from me.

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Blue Springs, Mo: What's your reponse to when Bush told FEMA head Mike Brown, "You're doing a heckofa job, Brownie." Have you ever had a boss tell you that you were doing a great job, when, in fact, you were screwing up?

Dave Barry: At this very moment they're telling me I'm doing fine with this chat.

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"Howdy-Doody looking Nimrod": That is my all-time favorite quote from Congress this year! It's even funnier if you realize that it was said not to Jeb Hensarling -- goofy in his own way, but not a Howdy Doody way -- but to Florida's own Adam Putnam, who is indeed Howdy Doody-looking (see the proof on his own website at www.house.gov/putnam/).

Also, as someone who watched the original Star Wars triliogy as a child, I look forward to the year, whenever it is, that George Lucas masters the art of dialog!

Dave Barry: If members of Congress said more stuff like that, I think people might actually start paying attention to Congress. Not that that would necessarily be a good thing.

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Poolesville, Md: Thanks for your amazing article. I forget how much I miss your Wit's End in the Post Magazine. (Don't tell Gene this, but I hearted you way before I hearted him. In fact, I only started reading his column because yours was gone. Not that he isn't fabulous. And also probably reading this.)

Dave Barry: I just want to say that, having known Gene for thousands of years, I find the concept of women hearting him pretty darned wonderful.

Has Gene ever posted his bar mitzvah photos? If not, this needs to be done. This needs to be made the HIGHEST PRIOROTY.

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California: Can't figure out a the "scooter" story with out getting spider webs in you ear? What a moron! Huddle back in there with the 13 percent who actually believe WMDs have been found in Iraq. I'm sure they'd appreciate your dumb ass humor.

Dave Barry: You're saying they DIDN'T find WMDs in Iraq? Whoa.

Hey, what does "WMD" stand for, anyway?

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Towson, Md.: Does it surprise you that Gene Weingarten is spreading disinformation about Woody Woodpecker?

Dave Barry: That does not surprise me in the least. Gene is scum, and he is especially scummy where woodpeckers are concerned. I can say no more because of the court order.

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Anonymous: Former St. Louis Cardinals star Mark McGwire, who holds the major league record for home runs in a single season, arouses suspicions when he repeatedly denies, under oath, that he ever played professional baseball.

Huh? Are we now denying the existence of Barry Bonds (which is totally fine with me)?

Dave Barry: Not to his face, we're not.

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Herndon, Va: Mr. Booger: I appreciated your mentioning of Johnny Carson's passing last January. I remember seeing you at least a couple of times on the "Tonight Show." How often were you on?

Dave Barry: I was on a few times. The weird thing is, the first time I was ever on ANY television show, it was Carson's. I wrote this silly little humor book in the early 1980s, and somehow got invited to be on the show. So I flew out there, clueless, and went on at the very end, and it went well, and it felt like the easiest thing in the world. Only later did I realize that it went well because I was being interviewed by the best humor interviewer ever. He knew he was funny; he wanted to make his guest look good. This turns out to be not a common trait.

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Los Angeles, Calif.: What's your favorite fortified wine?What's your favorite extinct species? How many days a year are not funny for you?

Dave Barry: They are all excellent.

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Reston, Va.: I hope you realize you may have permanently ruined my health with your "Year on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown." My (nervous)system simply wasn't prepared for me to be laughing, weeping, and snarling all at the same time!

Dave Barry: Those happen to be the symptoms for avian flu.

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West Coast: Is there humor to be found in the modern Orwellian position we are in? Any phone tapping jokes worth mentioning? How about waterboarding jokes? Render onto Cheney what is Cheney's I declare!

Dave Barry: OK.

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Minnetonka, Minn: Should an ordinary housewife from the Midwest be worried about being wiretapped by this administration? I eat regularly at an Afghan restaurant, read Salman Rushtie and exchange e-mails with a radical friend in London. Please HELP! Signed, In Cognito

Dave Barry: I kind of like the idea of being wiretapped. When I'm trying to contact "Technical Support" and have been on hold for 47 minutes listening to an instrumental lite-jazz version of "Muskrat Love," I'd feel just a little better knowing that, somewhere out there, a highly trained intelligence officer was listening too.

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Washington, D.C.: To My Good Friend Dave,

I learned a lot about 2005 from reading your summary of events. Whenever possible, I try to have my assistants summarize what you've written for my Cabinet meetings. Allow me to fill in two missing pieces of information, if I may. When Katrina was bearing down on Texas in the Gulf, I warned God, "Don't mess with Texas." Being highly intelligent, God diverted Katrina to Louisiana. It took God almost an hour to do this since Katrina was a mother of a hurricane. But that God diverted Katrina away from Texas is proof of intelligent design and that our schools need to teach it. One more thing, and this is important for all Americans to understand. The fact that this season's hurricanes were numerous and powerful means they are getting desparate. We are winning the war on hurricanes.

My best wishes to you in 2006.

---W---

Dave Barry: OK.

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Madison, Wis.: Dear Dave:

Who came up with flip-flops as a fashion statement? And why are they now $45 a pair? I live in Wisconsin where it gets cold but I still see people wearing flip-flops in snow and other winter weather "conditions." Am I missing out on an important trend? Will my career prospects be hurt because I have not embraced a closet full of flip flops with heels?

Dave Barry: I am still trying to adjust to the idea that people think it's OK to go around with two linear feet of their undershorts showing.

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Washington, D.C. : Dave,

I loved the review this year. There were many laugh-out-loud moments!

But I am curious how this year stacks up to other years. It seems to me this year had an overflow of material. I ask because as I read through, I could recall funny (meaning absurd, obscene, etc.) moments that you didn't have the space on which to comment. That said, how would you rate the events of this year for comedic value, and did it make it easier or harder (because you had to cut out so much)?

Thanks, I really enjoyed the read!

Dave Barry: It seemed about normal to me. When I start, I always think there's nothing. Then it always seems as though there's too much. Eventually I always conclude that I have failed miserably.

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Whig Party National Committee: Since you are a candidate for President of the United States, we of the Whig Party woud like to know if you would like our endorsement? We used to be a major political party, honest.

Dave Barry: I can't associate myself with a political party without knowing where that party stands.

No, wait, I can. But I will need a jet.

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Loch Eliot Ness, Scotland: Dave --

What's the funniest thing about Patrick Fitzgerald?

Dave Barry: That thing he does when he wears nothing but Vaseline and a snorkel, and then he takes a mackerel and...

No, wait, that's still a secret. You will just have to wait for Bob woodward's book.

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Covering the Important Issues: Dave, what's your opinion on the critical issue of VPL?

And why do you think Gene believes that, if women are not dressing for HIM, they must be dressing for other women? It has apparently never occurred to him that women who eschew VPL are dressing in accordance with their own standards, rather than to cater to other people's whims. Does he think this way on all issues? If you have him over to dinner, and serve something other than his favorite food, does he think you are doing it to please unseen strangers?

Dave Barry: I think Gene just likes the word "panty."

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dog woes: I thought I would share this with you soley because I know you understand, and your column about Zippy's refusal to barf lizard parts outside is part of my personal literary canon. My little mutt was having "tummy problems" a few weeks ago, i.e. alternating between constipation and the opposite of constipation. The source of the problem was revealed at the vet's office when two things happened: first, she barfed cricket remnants all of their waiting room floor. Then, about twenty minutes later, she pooped what was clearly, at one time, an unused tampon in its original wrapper. The vet diagnosed her with "dietary indiscretion." This is now my favorite term in the english language, right up there with "dog obedience."

Dave Barry: I don't think it's an indiscretion at all. I think the way dogs work is, they eat everything that they can swallow, on the assumption that if their body doesn't need it, they can just throw it back up.

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Brighton, Colo.: Dave, do the Rock Bottom Remainders have any plans to be playing "Day Tripper" in public anytime soon? Or even this year?

Dave Barry: We will not play it until I master the lick. So apparently we will not play it.

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Cortez, Colo.: Since only weeping, liberal democrats watched President Bush's inaugural speech, the people who elected him do not realize even now that we have embarked on a world wide, multi generational WAR TO ENFORCE WORLD PEACE!

Dave Barry: OK.

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Alexandria, Va.: I'm an Armonk Girl(!!). How can I get a copy of your article about the Christmas Pageant at St. Stephens Church, with the Wise Men dressed in their fathers' bathrobes?I would've gone to Pleasantville H.S. but we landed in VA.

Dave Barry: You can write to my assistant, Judi Smith, at the Miami Herald. Just don't ask her any questions about baseball records.

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Anonymous: I agree about the low-flow toilets. We had to get a new toilet after my husband broke ours (tightening the bolts, not sitting on it). The new one takes 3 flushes whereas the old one could do it in one.

Dave Barry: You're lucky if you can get it down in three. If you're talking about a big job, what the plumbers call a "Geraldo," it can easily run you a half-dozen flushes. And the so-called "Supreme Court" does NOTHING.

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Vienna, Va.: Hey Dave,

Skipped Gene's chat today to be there for you, man.

Question is: Johnny Dammon.

I'm a stick to one team forever fan (Mariners), whreas my wife is root for a winner type (Yankees). My conflict comes from the fact that the Mariners have evolved into a farm team for the Yankees (I'm still upset about Tino Martinez, OK?).

So, it it ethical to admire a player on your favorite team, and then curse them with boils when they defect? Alternately, is it possible to for a hated Red Sox defector to be brought into the loving fold of the Yankees?

-Happy New Year

Dave Barry: Did I ever tell you how I once made Larry Bird miss THREE FREE THROWS?

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Fairfax, Va.: Judi needs a raise. A big one.

Dave Barry: You're right. But I can just TELL her she got a raise, without actually GIVING her one. Because she is not so good with numbers.

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Homeland Insecurity : I didn't get onto the Weingarten chat in time, so I'm submitting this to here, where it mhas no meaning. Sort of like my life. Anyway. Hey -Gene - Next time you give a link to a cool web thing, please make it more current.I thought I could one-up my son, only to be told he was shown it in computer class by the TEACHER last year!

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Those zebra mussels are killing me.

Dave Barry: YEAH, Gene.

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Light beer: Someone has (finally) paid for light beer. After a probably horrendous and certainly guilt-shortened life, Joseph L. Owades, inventor of light beer, died on December 21 at the age of 86.

Dave Barry: I won't say anything bad about him.

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Laramie, Wyo.: Dave:

One event I'm surprised that you did not mention in your New Year's column was George W. Bush's announcement that he wanted to start a program to send humans to Mars. Any comments on this?

Oh, and by the way, are you now coming back out of retirement?

Dave Barry: It seems only fair. Mars has been sending people here for YEARS.

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Kensington, Md. (I'm not making this up): We are huge fans of yours in our house. However, we have a 19-yr. old daughter in college and every time you mentioned Natalee Holloway in your article as your repetitive "joke", it was like being stabbed in the stomach. Aren't there other people in the news who you could have used for this purpose? I am surprised more that your editor did not question the taste of using the victim of such a terrible trajedy. As for you, Mr. Barry, I hope one of your New Year resolutions includes a little sensitivity. You can still be funny without it, and if you can't, it's time to quit your day job and tour with the band.

Still a big fan, but hope you'll take my criticism seriously.

Dave Barry: I have a daughter, too, and a son. My intention was not to mock the disappearance of a child. It was to mock the cynical exploitation of that disappearance to get ratings for TV shows. I apologize for any pain I caused you.

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Harrisburg, Pa.: What is this big story in 2005 about Scooter leaking? So what? My kid rides his Scooter in the rain all the time, and it still works fine, whether it leaks or not. What's the big deal?

Dave Barry: Rest assued that we here at the Washington Post are ALL OVER this story and will be providing bulletins every 10 minutes until we fall asleep.

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Bowie, Md.: I've been to a few of your book signings and you always sort of struck me as the kind of guy who doesn't own a suit. But I saw you on that Mark Twain-Steve Martin-Kennedy Center thing and you looked great. Did someone threaten you?

Dave Barry: They told me it was Steve's funeral. Those tricksters!

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Women vs Men: Women are NOT better than men. That myth puts us under pressure to be grown men's mommies and is a reverse form of sexism. Stop it. We are just as destructive and make just as much noise in the bathroom.

Dave Barry: Ask yourself this question: When you hear that traffic is stopped because somebody threw a toilet off an overpass, do you say: "There's a 50 percent chance that a woman did that"?

I did not think so.

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Alexandria, Va: Dave,

I noticed on the blog that you have recently visited both Las Vegas and Disney World. How do they compare?

Dave Barry: They are actuslly quite far apart.

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Vienna, Va.: How is your son (you know, Philidelphia Phillies Barry) doing?

Dave Barry: He's doing great. He's tutoring math! I never would have guessed.

Also, speaking of dogs having the intelligence of gravel, last night my son called me at midnight to report that his dog, Petey, had eaten a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol.

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Brastrap, Mich.: Re; flip flops...And I'm trying to get used to the bra strap as a fashion statement. After bemaoning kids walking around with their underwear showing, to my horror this Christmas, I was given a top that actually has a sewn in, peek-a-boo bra strap showing for effect! Gasp!

Dave Barry: And let's talk about the thongs! It's thong-a-rama out there!

Not that I am complaining.

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not DC: Dave,

Can you tell me what to do with my Independence Air free ticket voucher?

Dave Barry: You can use that to get a pillow on your next flight on Delta.

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McLean, Va.: You have a blog?

Dave Barry: EVERYBODY has a blog. Primitive Amazonian triblespersons without electricity have blogs.

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Buffalo Grove, Ill: re: Natalee Holloway -- Does it continue to amaze you that so many people fail to "get" satire, even those who read you regularly?

Dave Barry: I'm used to it.

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St. Louis, Mo: What is your best guess as to Osama's hiding place?

Dave Barry: My guess is, my garage. This is very smart on his part. They'll NEVER find him in there.

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North by Northeast, Va.: Dave,

Loved the review, as always, especially your reference to Johnny Carson. I seem to recall that in past recaps you mention the passing of several celebs/well-knowns, but didn't see that this year. Are you de-emphasizing that because it sort of puts a damper on the funny?

Dave Barry: Yeah, kind of. His was the only name that seemed to fit.

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Herndon, Va: Mr. Barry, sir: Your mention of "Muskrat Love" brings to mind the question with the ever-changing answer: What is the worst-titled (popular) song ever?

Dave Barry: Off the top of my head, I'd nominate "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

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Generalissimo Francisco Franco's blog: Hi,

I'm still dead.

Dave Barry: Thanks for checking in.

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Nashville, Tenn: Dave,

I've got this itchy place on my elbow and am looking around my shed for appropriate implements with which to scratch it. So far I've tried a garden rake and the underside of a piece of pressboard that I once failed to turn into a lawn ornament for National Spigot Appreciation Day. Do you think I should try a piece of roofing tile or just rub it violently on the surface of a tree?

Dave Barry: Are you saying you don't have a chainsaw?

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Re: Natalee: Geez! Some people are just a LITTLE too sensitive. I thought the Natalee Holloway bits were great and not over the top at all; if that woman wants to whine about it, she can blame Greta Van Susteren for overexposure to the case.

Dave Barry: Well, I kinda see her point, and thought about it when I wrote the Year in Review. It just seemed that the coverage was SOOOO ludicrous....

But I kinda see her point anyway.

There are no definites in the humor business. Except one: "Weasel" is funny.

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Columbus, Ohio: 1. Don't you think it's time that we put a stop to the corporate sponsorship of college bowl games?

2. Can you think of a worse name for a bowl game than this one that I just made up? "The Johnson and Johnson Baby-Wipe Bowl"

3. Did you watch the Buckeyes win the Fiesta bowl again?

Dave Barry: You know what's ridiculous? Holding all these bowl games WAAAAYYY after New Year's Day, that's what. Why, when I was a boy, we... we...

OK, I can't remember what we did. But one time I made Larry Bird Miss THREE FOUL SHOTS.

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RE: Guitar playing: Dave,

I'm writing my first country song and am having trouble playing the bridge to the chorus. The working title is, "Whenever I Get Down on My Knees to Pray, All I Smell is Pew"

Can you help?

Dave Barry: You need a b-flat minor in there.

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Dave Barry: Judi just sent this in, in re the person who corrected her on the "Howdy Doody looking nimrod" story:

"it was ORIGINALLY thought to be to putnam and reported that way, but it wasn't. this is TOTALLY UNFAIR :) you're trashing me!!! and i can't even post a comment any more! grrrr"

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Texas: Dear Dave: Do you find any irony, or slight joy in the fact that DC's Favorite Mayor Marion Barry was robbed last night by the people "delivering his groceries"? Do you think "delivering the groceries" might be a code for something involving Scooter Libby?

Dave Barry: Is he still the mayor? Because he should be. He should be the mayor FOREVER. He is the gift who keeps on giving.

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Boca Raton, Fla.: Someone once told me that "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" was originally called "In the Garden of Eden." In which case, it makes perfect sense that people wouldn't be able to understand what the singer was saying. So "Muskrat Love" is much more stupid.

Dave Barry: Huh?

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Champaign, Ill: Would you consider doing a technology column like Walt Mossberg's? I read his now but the problem is he apparently doesn't have a big budget because he doesn't test anything less than six months old, and he actually uses it for its intended (or at least documented) purpose, and he never douses it with lighter fluid.

Tell me you can fix this.

Dave Barry: I would love to do a technology column. Actually, I would love to have manufacturers send me a lot of cool technology for free. I don't know about the column part.

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Houston, Tex: Perhaps Petey just had a really bad hangover. But I must ask, what was the remedy for the Tylenol? I am betting that it wasn't a pleasant rememdy, for either your son or the dog.

Dave Barry: He had to go to the vet and sit around for hours. This is only fair: I had to do the same thing for my son many times.

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Never, Never Land: Hey Dave,

Are you going on a book tour anytime soon? If so, and if you get on to a talk show, like, say, Oprah, I have a suggestion.

Pick a random topic, like sea weasels, and talk about it for the whole segment. Keep the host off balance for as long as possible. Maybe you could talk about how the sea weasels have been all over the news recently, and how it's a huge problem that the federal government is just failing to handle.

It would be great.

Dave Barry: I am going on a book tour in two weeks.

But your idea wouldn't work. When you go on a TV show, the host has a list of questions, and he or she WILL ask those questions, no matter what your answers are. You cannot divert them. You could keel over and die of a heart attack, and they would continue to ask their questions. That is the kind of professionals they are.

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Weasel: "Weasel" is exceptionally funny if you have pet ferrets, a member of the weasel family. They really do fit their name.

Weasel in German is "weasel".

Dave Barry: Ferrets are funny, too.

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Washington, DC: I heart you Dave

Why no mention of Tom and Katie in your story this past weekend?

Dave Barry: I had a Tom Cruise joke in there. Maybe Tom Shroder took it out. That's his job: humor removal.

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Phoenix, Md.: DaveRe "Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions." Are these trained intelligence agents?

washingtonpost.com: Nope. Monkeys.

Dave Barry: But TRAINED monkeys.

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New York, NY: Johnny Carson the only one that seemed to fit? What about Richard Pryor?

Dave Barry: He's the same caliber, no question. But it seemed sadder.

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Burke, Va.: Dave:

What's the difference between a Bryn Mawr woman and an old shoe?

Sincerely,

Leeds, Rhoads, Erdman, and Barclay.

Dave Barry: Har.

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Dade City, Fla: Dave:Ever written about (or tasted) kumquats? The Dade City community celebrates the tiny citrus every January during their annual Kumquat Festival. The event is surprisingly popular, bringing 30,000 to our small downtown. When you get back in the writing groove, we would love to have you out to the groves.Best,Evelyn Klopp

Dave Barry: Thanks! I'll put it on my list of things involving kumquats.

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books: Do you agonize over your books' rankings on Amazon.com like some Post columnists?

Dave Barry: You mean like Gene "OhmiGOD I was 235,745 yesterday and today I'm 232,879! I need to change my underwear!" Weingarten?

No.

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Rockville, Md.: "This is only fair: I had to do the same thing for my son many times."

You had to take your son to the vet? The Miami Herald health plan sucks more than I realized.

Dave Barry: Plus, he was always chasing the cats.

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A galaxy far, far away: Is a garter belt really flat?

Dave Barry: That is a VERY good question.

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Re: Muskrat Love: Since Muskrat Love has been mentioned, I must share a perfectly lovely use for it I discovered, Hints from Heloise style...

My fiance and I were driving along a quiet stretch of coast, and stopped to park on a cliff overlooking the ocean. It was gorgeous, but a bit chilly, so we stayed in the car and enjoyed the view. For about five minutes. Then some bozo in a convertable drove in. Passing at least fifteen empty, far-away spots with equally great views, he settled right next to us. Their stereo was blasting some obnoxious music, so loudly that even with our windows rolled up we still had to raise our voices to hear each other.

It didn't seem fair that we should be the ones to leave. I decided, generously, to adopt his view of polite behavior under the circumstances, and share some music too. I popped in my Captain and Tennille cassette, forwarded to Muskrat Love, rolled down the windows, and turned the volume as high as we could stand it. For the first iteration, they glared at us but showing no sign of moving. I had hit the "repeat" button just in case, though, and when the same song started AGAIN, they lasted about halfway through before they must have realized it was never going to stop, or get any quieter. They looked at each other, attempted to laser us with their eyes, and finally departed.

See, there's a good use for everything, if you just figure out what it is.

Dave Barry: Excellent!

If you had played "Seasons in the Sun," they would have been forced to drive into the sea.

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Alexandria, Va: I'm just curious: In their everyday life, are humor columnists usually so funny? Or are they moody morose characters? I also wonder if hard-boiled news columnists might not often be hysterical on their off-hours. Perhaps when you all get together for staff meetings or the annual holiday party, it is the humor columnists who weep into their drinks and the newspersons who laugh.

Dave Barry: You have a point. At parties, David Broder is always the first one naked.

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Fairfax, Va: How will you celebrate "Humiliation Day" tomorrow?

Dave Barry: Apologizing to Judi.

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David Broder naked: I'd pay to see that.

Mrs. Broder

Dave Barry: It's surprisingly cheap!

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Thos. C. Crittenden J.H.S.: Dave, there haven't been enough mentions of me in the chat. Can you mention me a few more times, in some teasing yet affectionate way? Thanks.

Weingarten

Oh, and do you remember the name of that magazine I mailed you, and you mailed back to me, not knowing I had been the one to mail it to you? Why don't you tell the readers the name of that magazine.

Dave Barry: Was that "Bear -- The Magazine for Large Hairy Men"?

Also: It's HAROLD C. Crittenden Junior High School

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Maryland's Eastern Shore: Dave,

Speaking of Muskrats, have you ever eaten one? They are a delicacy, here, on the Eastern Shore... and they are in season now. You chould come up to one of our local restaurants and try it, or just have Skipjack's in Salisbury ship you some on ice with some hard crabs!

Dave Barry: Thanks! I'll put that on the list with the kumquat festival.

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Toronto, Canada: So just following up on the editorial control question - which questions have you declined to answer so far?

Dave Barry: Pretty much all the ones that would require actual thought.

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Dave Barry: Thanks for stopping by. I feel we've all learned a lot.

Dave Barry: This has been fun, in a scary way.

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