Secrets of Married Men

Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and Brown University professor, has been studying marriages good and bad for a long time, both in his clinical work and via his Web site, secretsofmarriedmen.com . His new book, "The Secrets of Happily Married Men" (Jossey-Bass, 2006), collects what he says are the guy behaviors that lead to happy marriage. As his Web site says, he's "out to save marriages, one husband at a time." ( Read More From Tuesday's Post .)

Author Scott Haltzman, M.D. was online Tuesday, Jan. 24, at 11 a.m. ET to discuss his "secrets" of happily married men.

Haltzman is board certified in Psychiatry and is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He is currently the Medical Director of NRI Community Services in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.

The Transcript follows.

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Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Hi folks,

It's an honor to e-talk to you today. I've spent more than five years researching what makes marriages great-and what men can do to have a happy marriage. It's not easy, and even my wife will admit that I don't always get it right every time! But that's the power of my message: when I make marriage my job; I look at this as just one more challenge.

I'd be happy to answer your questions. While I am a medical doctor, please consider this dialogue as a way of helping you learn about marriage, and not as "medical advice," or "treatment." (There, that should make my lawyers happy!)

Let's get started!

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Washington, D.C.: 2 Questions: (1) I recently got engaged. What advice can you give to me regarding the engagement and the first few years of marriage? (2) I've heard about counselors who can very accurately predict whether a couple will divorce just by observing them for a short time. Do you know anything about this?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Men and women view marriage differently. When most men put on their wedding band, they assume "OK, I'm all set. She loves me, trusts me, respects me..." and go about their business. Many women will also feel that way, but that feeling may be short lived. The next morning, after the wedding night, she may be asking those questions ALL OVER AGAIN! You must pay attention to her need to feel special, and loved, and to know that you'll be by her side all the time. Then she'll be able to feel that that ring is on her finger forever, and will start meeting your needs.

2) Yes, there are premarriage courses you can take: PREP, PREPARE and Marriage Savers are a good place to look. The Gottman Institute has done some wonderful research, also, about predictors of a successful marriage. There are some pretty convincing studies that suggest that learning about marriage before hand will help prevent divorce. And it's a great way to spend time together learning about you.

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Cell phones: I have a question ... my husband keeps cellphone numbers and in contact with ex girlfriends on a regular basis. This bothers me and he insists I am insecure that it bothers me. He says he is only friends with these women however I have never met them. Am I being insecure or are my feeling justified.

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Men (women too!) need to be sensitive to the perception that they aren't being faithful. And female friends is a big red flag. I counsel men not to keep phone logs of ex's--why stress the marriage like that. Your wife should feel like she's #1.

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Burke, Va.: Hi Scott,

I am not familiar with your book or writings so my question may be answered within one of those references, but here goes anyway. What is your definition of 'happily married'? Happy is a rather temporal and conditional feeling. Must be a better term out there to describe long term, satisfying marriages.

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: You're right. I struggled with the term "Happy" prior to publication, and my editor rightly said: "Dr. Scott...people don't want to be married, they want to be happily married." I think he was right. But happiness does have a broad definition. When people see it as the "Thrill" of a first date, they may never get back to that level of happiness. I see happiness as the deep satisfaction you get of spending your life with someone who knows you better than anyone else in the world, and doing the work that it took to get there.

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Old Brookville, N.Y.: I have read this book. I applaud you Dr. Haltzman for writing such a readable book. I loved your book and my husband said that this is also a wonderful book because it's not a "pointing the finger" kind of book. It's "insightful and refreshing and one of the few "self help"books that he has thoroughly enjoyed and learned from". So, thank you, Dr. Haltzman and we are committed to another 13 of marriage and forever! Sincerely, Amy

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: I appreciate the positive feedback. (Please remember, audience, that good feedback is a great motivator--I don't even know this Amy person, but I feel a strong kinship for her).

I do hope that this book will make a difference is people's lives. Thanks.

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Arlington, Va.: While I haven't read your book, I wonder why you seem to focus on male behavior traits that lead to better marriages.

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: I enjoyed the W.P. review of my book, because it raised the very interesting question of "why men?" and "Where are the eight ways for women." Women are much more likely to complain of unhappiness in marriage, and are more likely to bolt. They're telling men to do something about it. I got tired of all the bad advice for men, and thought if they could learn WHAT to do about it, they'd rise to the occasion. I believe they can, and must, if they want their marriages to thrive.

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Arlington, Va.: Can a woman really love a man or would he prefer to be left alone? Men are much more interested in me after I leave them ...

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Of course women can love men. But SOMETIMES we like to be left alone, and feel very loved when we have this time. Think about how men bond when they fish or watch sports. They don't have to talk, but after a few Dorritos and Beers they can say: Wow, that was a wonderful bonding experience.

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Bethesda, Md.: I have heard that research shows a dip in marital satisfaction when couples have babies/toddlers. This makes sense... less time/energy to devote to each other. When do you begin to see an increase in marital satisfaction again?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: It's not unusual for marriage satisfaction to "dip," even though the wives' tales say that having a baby will seal the relationship.

Couples must remember to continue to put each other first. Doting on baby is important (and men should, in most cases, help change diapers). But when you let your needs take a back burner early on, your friendship can frazzle. I think men are particularly susceptible to susceptible to feeling "left behind" after the birth of a baby, both emotionally and sexually.

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Arlington, Va.: This is a great topic; thanks for being here.

On your Web site, your first "secret" for husbands is to learn when to keep our mouths shut. Why is that more true of husbands than wives?

washingtonpost.com: secretsofmarriedmen.com

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Yeah, well I tried to get my Webmaster to change that line before the forum...but I guess it didn't happen!

Why did I ask her to change it? Because I didn't want it to be misinterpreted. Men who learn to listen to their wives know that sometimes she needs to talk. Marriage experts know that defensiveness can be destructive, and that's how we men tend to get.

More importantly than keeping your mouth shut, though, is the attitude that goes along with it. When you learn to manage conflict lovingly and skillfully because it is a wish for you to make your wife happy, and you want to be good at marriage, you don't become resentful if you don't get a chance to speak up. Once your wife knows that you've won her heart, you'll have lots of chances to get you point across (but not until then).

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Washington, D.C.: I read your article and am happy to see such a "gender-customized" approach to marriage/relationships. I am a newlywed and new mother to a beautiful son of 3 months. My husband stays at home with him while I work. I'm noticing a conflict with the role reversal. He wants to be revered as the Head of the Household, all-powerful man, and wants me to take on the role of the "submissive" (not to the extreme) wife. How can I make him feel like the man he is and yet still be respected and appreciated for bringing home the bacon? This is a huge source of fighting.

Perhaps of even greater importance, is the issue of trust. While we were dating, I learned that my husband had a 3-year affair, while I was away in college. The woman is in another state, so the threat is not so "immediate" and he says he cut off all communication, but this is something I think about everyday. I don't bring it up because I have "forgiven" him. I just can't forget and it's affecting our relationship, though I'm sure he isn't aware this is the reason why. In short, How can I approach this subject without him getting defensive? Without him dismissing it as "emotional" and unimportant (because it's "in the past")? How do you talk to an Alpha male? What's the best approach?

Thank you!

Married to an Alpha-male

washingtonpost.com: Making Marriage (Like) Work (Post, Jan. 24)

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Wow, there's a lot here, probably too much for me to tackle at my typing-impaired best.

We men want to believe that we are providing and protecting our women--it's inborn. And a man at home is up against a lot of social stigma that says he's not. I don't believe that stigma, but it's there.

Keep in mind what he needs (as above) and make an effort to provide. It's hard for a woman to give up the role of the one who knows what's best for her children, and often men feel like they are just working in their wives' home.

With regards to letting go...it takes a long time to rebuild trust. Peggy Vaughan's research shows that if couples take the time to talk about what happened...if he answers every question once and for all...then they can start to move on.

But don't expect, in marriage, that every problem will be "resolved." Studies show that about 70% of big ticket items are NEVER settled!

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Washington, D.C.: One of my secrets to success is that I did not get married until I was 40, when I had much greater knowledge of myself. I wonder if men who marry for the first time when they are older have better marriages, on average, than men who marry younger?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: You make a good point. There are some studies to show that waiting to marry is a good thing, but not too long. Most recent study put the age at 27.

Hey! That's how old I was when I got married and now I'm writing a book about it! Maybe that was my secret after all.

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Bowie, Md.: I don't have a question, BUT I am a very happily married man. I think one of the secrets is to be morally and ethically connected and focused. My wife and I have one MAJOR focus and that's CHRIST.

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Yes. One of the most frequent responses that men gave (and women for that matter) about the secrets of a happy marriage was about the importance of a spiritual connection.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Doc. Did you always put your wife first or have you learned over time and research? I don't know if there is hope for my husband as he spends ALL his time with our kids. It gets old!

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Sometimes a man will spend time with his kids because he thinks it takes pressure off you, and makes your life easier.

Be patient, a man who can be so wonderful with your brood must have a big heart. One of your missions is finding a way to connect with that heart--and that energy. You only have to wait until their 18...then you have him for the rest of your life.

Meanwhile (not to be too self-serving) get him a copy of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." It might remind him of where the kids came from in the first place. :-)

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Washington, D.C.: Dr. Haltzman,

Thanks for chatting online today.

It seems like much of your advice would apply well to any long-term romantic relationship, not just marriage.

Is there a difference in your view?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: There are differences between marriage and long-term relationship, although the advice can be used for both. I think of marriage as I do baseball. (No, guys, not THAT analogy!) Rather, when it comes to hitting a ball, we're always told "follow-through." That doesn't make sense, as a kid, because the ball already left the bat. Who cares?

But the idea is, of course, if you know where the bat is going, it causes the ball to go in the right direction. With marriage, if you take your commitment seriously, and many men do--passionately!--then it will drive how you interact.

Moreover, marriage (not cohabitation) has been shown in studies to extend life span and be a better environment for children. I realize marriage isn't for everyone, but I, for one, wouldn't trade it for the world.

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Maryland: Doctor Haltzman -- I am married less than a year to my 2nd husband. I have found that he is an avoider. He will avoid discussing problems rather than face and deal with them. How does one cope with someone who will ignore a problem rather than deal with it? This is a totally new thing for me. He will insist that we are having an argument when I am merely trying to discuss a problem. He will clam up and say he doesn't want to talk about it. I am at my wit's end and contemplating ending this marriage. Please give some advise. Thank you

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Not everyone's great at confronting things, particularly with words. That's one of the points I make it my book. Studies do show that avoidance can be destructive in marriage, and often men don't confront things because they don't think they have the tools to do so. When men can learn to channel their "fix-it" skills toward marriage, they don't feel as overwhelmed when confronted with conflict.

Try doing more physical activities together as a form of bonding. Make sure you start up discussions softly, instead of saying "you..." say "I wonder if..." Sometimes it helps with men to avoid feeling words. Instead of "it makes me sad when..." consider, "I was trying to figure out how to solve this problem I'm having." Let him know you respect his competence. As for divorce...well, you picked him...so spend more time focusing on what drives you crazy (in a good way) about this guy.

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Arlington, Va.: Regarding the comment about waiting to get married, and your response about not waiting 'too long', isn't it better to WAIT for the right person, and for you to be mature, and emotionally available, and basically READY to be married, and if it takes you to 40 to get there, then so be it? I'm in my late 30s and dating a man who is in his early 40s, and neither of us has been married, and had I married at 27, I'd be divorced, I guarantee, plus who knows, I may have had some children to drag through the divorce. It seems to me that since men generally take longer to mature than women anyway, it's better for the man and his girlfriend or wife to wait until HE'S ready.

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: All your points are well taken. It helps to get maturity and reason, but, even if you think you've found the right one, you still need the skills!

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Sterling, Va.: Hello - My husband seems to seek adoration from others. He has to be the life of the party, the great friend, the great brother and an outstanding employee. All of this is admirable and usually wonderful qualities however ... he seems to NEED this attention. He is also a lead singer in a band. My concern is one day due to this need for adoration he will receive it from another woman (a fan) and find that MY attention is no longer enough. What is the reason behind his needing this fulfillment? I think it is insecurity, but would appreciate your perspective.

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: I don't think I've met your husband...so I can't answer why he needs it. But, LOTS of guys like to be adored. I laugh at the way my wife and I will go to take a shower. She strips down in private, and wraps herself in a robe. I strut around the room naked like I'm the king of the bedroom (which I am...but no one's given me a crown yet...)

It sounds like your man has a great spirit. And there may be a risk for other women being attracted to him. The best way to manage this is to have "pre-affair" rules that you can discuss. It's not the renting of a hotel room that is the first step of an affair... it's the private look, secluded lunch or shared confidences. If he knows the rules, and agrees to them, you and he might BOTH be more comfortable.

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Washington, D.C.: well, what are the secrets to man being happily married?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: 1. Make Marriage your Job

2. Know your wife

3. Be Home Now

4. Expect Conflict...and Learn to deal with it

5. Learn to listen

6. Aim to Please

7. Understand the truth about sex

8. Introduce yourself

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To 1st question from Washington, D.C.: Don't do it!! Run!! You'll spend the rest of your life wondering, Why is she mad? What did I do & what happened to our sex life??

Stay single & devote your efforts for having as many female 'friends' as you can!!

Accept the words of a "happily" married male! (She says I'm 'happily-married', I'm just trying to avoid the divorce lawyer & child support!!)

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: You're not the only man to feel this way. Marriage isn't easy, and sometimes you feel like things have spun too far out of control. A lot of men feel like they're only staying in it for financial reasons, and to be with the kids.

You really CAN find happiness in marriage. In fact, I've written a whole book about it!

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Steelton, Pa.: At what point do husbands take on this job -- when they get up from a reclining position where they watch football, basketball, hockey, etc., or when they sit upright to partake in a meal. Most men would have to give up their day job first cause when they come home,it's mostly to be taken care of ...

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: And many women feel this way!

Both men and women deserve to learn the skills necessary to get what they want from marriage. Just because you take your vows doesn't mean we have a clue where to go from there. But, resources do exist for helping get that lovin' feeling back.

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Chevy Chase, Washington, D.C.: Dr. Haltzman:

I am 57 years old. My wife is 44. It was the first marriage for both of us yet we have been married for just over 3 years. I would say it is a very happy marriage so far. But I say "so far" because it seems to me like 3 years is insignificant amount of time to make an assessment. When I am asked how I like a particular car I am driving I usually say, "ask me when I have 100,000 miles on it." It's too early to say. Do you think there is an amount of time one needs to be married before one can generally predict the chances for long term success?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: No doubt, the quality and depth of love goes stronger with time. Remember, like the car, though, marriage is not going to last very long if you don't maintain it!

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Arlington, Va.: So, what do you do about a husband who doesn't seem to have many male "bonds." No Dad or brothers. Some close friends but no "bowling buddies" kind of guys. He works at home, alone, and I (the wife) end up being the "buddy" a lot of times. How can I encourage more "time with the guys"? (Somewhat unusual question, I realize....)

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: That's not that an unusual question at all! Many men make the conversion into marriage and drift away from their social circles. It's a well researched fact. Also, men don't make emotional connections the same way women do, so it's harder to get a group of men together "just because." One thing I'll suggest to my couples is that you start planning outings together with other groups of just another couple. Often the woman has the role of planning social calendar--so do it with him in mind!

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Fairfax, Va.: I'm 31 male and my girlfriend is 33. We has been dating for 7 months now. Of course, there is argument from time to time. Usually, she is over react. But last night, she really got me upset. I know we got a little argument last Monday. She wrote to each other and apology and yesterday afternoon and I thought everything is okay. Then I called her last night and she went after me about me taking her for granted, not appreciated her, etc. I know her period came yesterday but still...it is harsh and it hurts me. I don't know what to do because she said that don't call me tomorrow because you expect me being there for you all of time. I love this girl and I don't know if what I should do?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: A friend of mine, Frank Pittman III, MD. once said "A woman's anger is like water, not fire." By that he meant that men will feel subsumed by his woman's rage, and feel like it will destroy him. Rather, he needs to think of it as something that will wash over him, and he can live to tell about it another day.

Once things do settle down, you might want to let her talk about how she felt, and then DON'T get defensive. Being listened to is one of the greatest gifts you can give another. I listened to you...now you have to listen to her!

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Rockville, Md.: One of the best "TV" marriages is that of the Felicity Huffman character on Dangerous Housewives. They have conversations, argue, apologize when they are wrong, are both hands-on parents, and seem fiercely committed to the marriage. Are they good models?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: Will I be banished from the media spotlight if I admit that I never watch it!

But thanks for the heads up...I'll keep my eyes open for it next time it's on.

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Washington, D.C.: How does a married man deal with the decrease in sexual activity, when his desire to have sex has not decreased. What to do with that pent up energy? Or do I just need to accept this slowdown? I'm 30 and engaged and live with my future spouse and I am already falling into the once/week category. And while I understand that may be average - I don't necessarily want that to be us and I don't want to have a wandering eye.

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: This is a big issue for men. My studies showed that 77% of men had greater sex drives than their wives. And I have a bone to pick with the classic solution of: "Court her from the beginning of the day," because, (while I support courting her ALL the time) in my experience that doesn't lead to women becoming all hot and bothered. Yes, they may feel more relaxed and supported, but sex may not be the first thing that pops into her mind.

The bottom line is that you have to expand your view of what "sex" is, and you've got to talk about your needs. They are just as important for you as a heartfelt discussion about feelings or a candle light dinner is for her.

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Chicago, Ill.: When will your book "Secrets of Married Women" be out? Looking forward to it!

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: LOL! After this question, who knows, maybe the publishers will be knocking down my door!

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Washington, D.C.: Any advice for a young man who may want to marry? I know of several couples who seem unhappy, discontent, or are cheating. Is marriage really worth it? How do we avoid that kind of dissatisfaction?

Scott Haltzman, M.D.: It's an interesting question. Recently David's Bridals has begun carrying my book on their Web site because even the marriage industry recognizes that happy marriages don't begin and end with the wedding day. If you look at marriage as being a long range mission of discovering things about yourself, your passions, your heart, and your problem solving skills...that you won't be able to get in any other way...you'll embrace marriage and live to tell your great grandchildren about your wild youth...and how you were anxious about biting the bullet.

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Scott Haltzman, M.D.: I want to thank everyone for joining me today. I'm heartened by your excellent questions, and so regret that I'm not able to answer them all. The discussion can continue on my FORUM boards of www.DrScott.com and if I get a chance, I'll try to answer some of your inquiries there.

I really admire all of you in the world of love and romance, for trying so hard to make marriage something special...for life.

Thanks also to the Washington Post for having me here.

Be Well!

Scott Haltzman, MD

www.DrScott.com

Author: "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."

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