Post Magazine: The Mating Game

Joel Buchannan was a combat soldier in Iraq. Melinda Jackson was adivorced mom in Southern California. They flirted, fell in love, committed. . . and then they met in the flesh.

Stephanie Booth, whose story of war and online romance appeared in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine , was online Monday, Feb. 13, at 1 p.m. ET to field questions and comments.

Stephanie Booth is a freelance writer.

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Stephanie Booth: Hi -- Thanks so much for your interest in this piece and wanting to talk about it further. Melinda Jackson is also here to answer your questions directly, so feel free to ask away.

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Washington, D.C.: Have you kept in touch with Joel and Melinda? Are they still together? Are they still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, or has reality set in a bit?

Melinda Jackson: We are doing great. Joel was just home in CA for his two weeks leave. What the article did not show was the relationship I had developed with his family and that our paths have crossed many times - yet we had never met. From the time Joel had come back to the states we had been together for a total of 29 days. Reality has set in as Joel had to return to GA to complete his Paramedics schooling, but we speak several times a day and are planning to see each other during Spring Break with our kids at Disney World. I knew all this going into the relationship, but we are both very independent people who can cope with the time and distance involved.

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Virginia: Where does the 70 percent divorce rate come from? In Army Times newspaper, a recent article stated 30 percent. Do you mean all the military services or just one branch?

Stephanie Booth: It includes all military branches -- and although it's an unofficial estimate, it's pretty shocking, right?

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Connecticut and L, Washington, D.C.: Stephanie:

Absolutely a great piece. Heartwarming yet a fair portrayal of the complexities of internet relationships. Two questions. Was the picture of Melinda on the bed recreated or did you actually have a staff photographer with her at the time? Why no picture of Joel?

Stephanie Booth: Thanks, and glad you liked the article. Sarah Wauters, the photographer, was in the hotel room with Melinda at the time (just a few hours before she met Joel). And although I haven't seen everything she shot, from what I understand, there were lots of pics of Joel -- just not enough space to publish them.

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Washington, DC: Are the websites you mentioned for women looking for military boyfriends/husbands?

Stephanie Booth: Yes, but not exclusively -- Plenty of men are also seeking a military girlfriend (or boyfriend.)

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Harrisburg, Pa.: Do you have an update since the article was written? How is the couple doing now?

Melinda Jackson:  We are doing GREAT! We have been together since Joel got home for a total of 29 days. He was just in CA for his two week leave and we are planning to spend time during Spring Break with our two kids at Disney World. We are planning on travelling back and forth to keep things going. The time we did spend together was like we had been together forever. A lot of the story was not able to tell how our lives have crossed paths many times before yet we had not met and the relationship I have with all of his family.

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Beltsville, Md: I enjoyed reading the story. What does the future hold for the two of you? Is marriage in the works? I wish you both a happily ever after.

Melinda Jackson:  Thank you and yes we are plannning to marry, we have not determined a date as Joel wants to complete his Paramedics schooling and get his National Registry.

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Washington, D.C.: I actually met my husband on the internet eight years ago when he was in the military (Edwards AFB -- not exactly Iraq, but still the middle of nowhere). We don't often tell people exactly how we met because I've always felt there was a stigma attached to online romance (even though we "met" in a music chat room, not a dating site). Melinda, have you felt that stigma, or are you open and honest about how you and Joel met?

Melinda Jackson: No I have been honest in how we met. I had to be because obviously he was not here for us to go out and spend time together. When I first tried on line dating I did not always mention how I met someone, but now it seems more and more people meet this way and do make it work. It is no more different than meeting a stranger in a bar or anywhere else. The best part with us is that we really got to know each other on a different level, not just the physical side of things where more relationships start and die. I have heard more positive things such as yours about relationships that have made it from the internet.

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Durham, NC-Relationships Specialist: Hi Stephanie! I am posting early to avoid what may be an onslaught of comments pro and con about this article. The one word that came to mind when I read your article was "opportunistic." Your article made Melinda sound desperate and emotionally void of having a real face-to-face relationship with anyone in her home state, she had to look for someone unattainable. Unfortunately, I don't give them long lasting love once PTSS sets in (Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome). It sounds as if Joel is already experiencing symptoms. I hope Melinda and Joel decide to incorporate couples counseling into their whirlwind romance. It's hard for couples who have been 'in love' for years to make it through the first year, nonetheless courting for 9 months over a computer and web-cam! I appreciated your candor and enlightenment in your piece to what seems to be a trend in dating, the computer. I look forward to your article when you check back with them in a year or two! The Lt. Col had it right.

Melinda Jackson:  I am no way an opportunist or desperate, so I am not sure where you got that impression. I have a very successful career and a quote was even said that I did not need anyone in my life to be happy. I had several relationships with people in my home town that did not work out for various reasons. I decided to take a break from dating and focus elsewhere and it was Joel who pursued me not me seeking him. Please go back and read the story again. Joel has no signs of PTSS and has been given a clean bill - he has also served 7 tours before so this was not his first. Just because someone pats down the bed looking for a gun they had for a year does not mean they are crazy. I lived on the computer for a year and still find myself waking up in the night looking for him on line. What the story was not able to cover was a more in depth background of our relationship and that I share with his family. When he was just here for 2 weeks leave his family even commented on how great he was dealing with getting back into the real world.

Stephanie Booth: Hi -- thanks for your comments. It's interesting how readers really divide into two camps about this relationship: Many think Melinda and Joel are representative of how Internet technology has changed the world of romance (especially in a time of war) and get a warm, fuzzy feeling about it. Others are skeptical that anything lasting can come from their online meeting. I have to say that I fall into the warm, fuzzy category. Having spent a lot of time with both of them, I think they have a great change of making it. (Definitely the most-asked question of the day!) I think calling it a whirwind romance is a bit off-base -- You have to remember they spent nine months communicating with each other, meeting each other's families (Joel "met" both of Melinda's daughters online from Iraq and she was in touch with his grandmother, mom and sisters) and disclosing a lot of gritty personal information which many "in person" couples might choose to postpone in order to consummate their physical chemistry.

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Castle Shannon, Pa: I got goosebumps towards the end of the article. I know the focus of the story was mainly on Melinda, but both my husband I commented on the lack of pictures of Joel in the piece. Any reason why?

Stephanie Booth: Thanks so much for your comment. I'm not sure why the editors decided to go light on the Joel photos -- I was disappointed, too! Maybe we can get Melinda and Joel to start their own website/photo gallery, and keep updating people on the status of their relationship!

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Virginia: How did Melinda's kids feel about a new stepfather they have never met?

Melinda Jackson: My kids were great, what the story did not show was the relationship I have with his family and how our lives have crossed paths several times with us never meeting. My kids developed a relationship with Joel as well and talked to him many times on line and the phone. It was not the same as my relationship with him, but he was not a perfect stranger either. The fact that we spent time with his family gave us an insight to who Joel really is and not some story he just fed me.

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Alexandria, Va: what did your daughters say when they met Joel "in the flesh"?

Melinda Jackson: They were a bit shy at first, but felt as I did that we have know him before. The story did not explain how our lives had crossed paths many times before yet we had never met, so many people that we knew also knew Joel and his son. My youngest went with me to the Airport when he came home for leave a couple of weeks ago and was so excited waiting for him to come off the plane. We all had such a great time when he was home and his son spent time with us the entire time he was here and my daughter and he became best of friends and found out they knew many of the same kids from school.

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Reston, Va.: Congratulations on your wonderful story. I am glad to read something good is coming out of this Bush & Cheney's war. By the way how did you manage to get these subjects to share thier experiences?

Stephanie Booth: Thank you! What a good question and I'm not sure how to answer it. I think it's a combination of luck, persistence and interviewing people who are generally excited about sharing their story.

Melinda Jackson: I was told about the story from some of the girls in a group I belonged to. I wrote to Stephanie and explained how our relationship came to be and there was so much that was not covered in the story which made it very unique from most.

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Albany, NY: About the divorce rate: I'm not sure it's so shocking when you realize the effect of constant prolonged deployments. Some units are on their third tour of Iraq. Rumsfeld has talked about expanding the Army but hasn't done so. DoD is now trying to keep National Guard troops at home and only use regular Army troops in Iraq. This places an extremely heavy burden on families.

Military people know they can go overseas, but most didn't sign up thinking they'd end up living there, alone. As for the National Guard: it's the National Guard, not the International Guard.

I'm not sure what can be done about this. It's tragic.

Stephanie Booth: I agree -- When I wrote "shocking," I was referring more to the fact that the official figures seem so way off from unofficial estimates. As you mentioned, long deployments, financial instability and the very young age of most soldiers all add to the divorce rate. Marriage counseling is available on most military bases, but I'm not sure how much good it does (or can do).

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Bethesda, Md: What has transpired between Joel and Melinda since you wrote the article (sorry...don't know the lead time involved)? Are they planning to marry? I was intrigued by your story, but also repulsed as it seems like a very risky, and potentially dangerous, (not even to mention the moral issues) course of action?

Melinda Jackson: We have been doing fine. We just spent the last 29 days together since he came back. 2 weeks in GA and then 2 weeks in CA when he came home. As far as the risks, I would have never been in a relationship as this if I had not developed such a deep relationship with his family, and felt a sense of security. The story was not able to cover a lot of the background that transpired, but by knowing them it gave me a lot of insight to who Joel was and where he came from. We also discovered during the course of our dating that we had known many of the same people in our past and yet we had never met. There was never one minute that I felt any sense of danger, in fact we have both said how comfortable we felt as if we had known each other forever. In a million years I never would have imagined myself doing such a thing, but as I explained above is what made it feel right.

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Washington, D.C.: Do deployed soldiers typically ask their e-penpals to send underwear? Seems slightly pervy to me.

Melinda Jackson: Yes they do, it is considered a trophy of sorts to have something from someone they love. I would rather have him looking at a pair of lacey underwear than a porno mag. At the time I sent these to him our relationship was not just a pen-pal thing. It had moved into another level. I don't think anyone can put themselves into what these guys endure being on the front lines in battle and away from their families and loved ones and they just want to have something that brings them back to the real world.

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Stephanie Booth: Someone had written a question earlier referring to what's going on in Iraq as the "Bush-Cheney War." When I replied, I forgot to add how how much that same sentiment was echoed by almost every serviceman in Iraq I spoke to. The majority feel people back here in the States have no idea how bad things are over there.

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Arlington, Va: I enjoyed reading Melinda and Joel's story; I hope that they will be one of the couples that is able to make it work over the long haul. I've been active over the past two years in a troop support site (www.booksforsoldiers.com) where troops submit requests for books and other care package items and volunteers respond. Although the site strongly discourages romantic or sexual interactions, of course these things still occur sometimes--initiated either by troops or volunteers. As your article points out so well, many of the troops are very lonely and especially desire emotional connections with women when they are deployed. What I've also noticed, though, is that many of the women who enter into or seek these relationships seem to be pretty emotionally needy as well. Needless to say, most of these relationships crash and burn once they move from the virtual to the real world, although I've seen a couple survive past the homecoming (and one end in marriage!). How did you come across Melinda and Joel's story? And, why did you pick them from among the many stories out there? Do you have any updates for us?

Melinda Jackson: Neither Joel or I were needy. He was one of the few that did not spend hours online talking to 100 women. And as stated in the article have always been the type of independent person who did not need anyone in her life to be happy. If that was the case I would have just stayed with my ex for the sake of my kids.

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Farmington, NM: Do you think this relationship will be successful?

Why or why not?

Stephanie Booth: I hope so. Melinda and Joel's personalities gel nicely together -- She's very feminine, he's very masculine, but go deeper than that and they share a similar view of life, are equally devoted to their kids, and both have a knack for taking charge of a situation and making things happen. I think if they both equally want this relationship to be long-term, they'll figure a way to make it work -- even if Joel's transfer doesn't come through and even if he gets sent back to Iraq for another tour of duty.

Melinda Jackson: Going into this relationship I was aware of the factors involved. I was just there in the beginning to be a friend and from there it developed into something more. The story was not able to show more about how our lives intertwined yet we had never met, or the relationship I have with his entire family. If you truly love each other you will make it work and weather the storms. We plan to spend time travelling back and fourth to see each other and when we do it's all that better because of how much you missed that person. We are planning to visit in april during spring break with my daughter and his son at Disney World so its only a 6 week period to wait vs. 9 months that I waited for him while in Iraq.

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McLean, Va: I think this story shows a profound and constructive, very healthy relationship being built. One thing I appreciated was leaving out politics. This allows all Americans to read a beautiful story that can only serve to bring us closer together in supporting our military. Thank you for not

including anyone's views of the war, positive or negative. This story goes far deeper than anyone's opinion. The writer does justice to an amazing couple.

Melinda Jackson: Thank you for the positive feedback. Out of all the relationships I have ever had including my 18 year marriage the best thing that Joel and I have is the communication. Our relationship started out as friends and developed into a deep love for one another. It did not start out as a physical thing where most start and die after you realize outside of the bedroom you have nothing in common and don't really know the person.

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Washington, D.C.: You know, it's interesting to contrast this story with stories from WW2, where soldiers on leave would meet someone, get married a week later, and still be together 50 years after that. Who knows how these things work? But evidently they do, for some people.

I wonder if it's a function of expectations--people who anticipate complete normality when the person comes back from deployment are bound to be disappointed. Going to a war zone changes people, full stop. I wonder if many of the civilians looking online realize that.

More on topic, though: is Joel going to re-up?

Melinda Jackson: Yes you make a good point and this was very common back in the day as well as today. I can't tell you how many people have met their husbands in the military on line. Most cannot date someone from their hometown so they develop relationships on line.

I was aware of the situations of deployment and what to expect. I did a lot of reading to prepare....but the one thing I have to say is I only knew Joel as I met him, not before he left so to me there was nothing to compare it to. He has done this many times, so this was not his first experience at war which does make it a bit easier for someone who has been through it.

Joel is not planning to re-up. He is finishing his Paramedics schooling and then plans to become a Paramedic or ER Trauma Nurse.

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Philadelphia, Pa.: I liked the "kiss" paper that Joel kept in his pocket. Does he still have it?

Melinda Jackson: Funny you should ask. I never told him I found it until the article came out and yes he does have it and keeps it in his pocket everyday! These are the things I love so much about him. So tuff on the outside but so tender on the inside.

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McLean, Va: After reading the article, I had a couple of questions about Joel. I understand he was married for three years with his last wife, but it seems there was also a previous marriage. How long did that last and is his nine year old son his only child? I'm also fuzzy about his military career. I assumed he was not career military, but today you say he has had seven tours. I'd appreciate understanding his background a little better. Good luck to you both.

Melinda Jackson: He was not married to his Son's mother, and yes it is his only child. He joined the military when he was 17 and then quit when his son was born and was out for 8 years before he re-upped in 2004. He had seven tours but not all to Iraq during his military career, he is active not reserve and has 18 months left before he gets out and pursues his Paramedics career.

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Stephanie Booth: I think that's it for our time, but one last thank you for all your questions!

Melinda Jackson: Thank you for all those that support our relationship.

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