Inner Life/Outer Life Balance

Therapist Talks About Getting Public and Private Lives in Sync

Douglas LaBier, psychotherapist and business psychologist, was online Tuesday, Feb. 14, at 2 p.m. ET to examine balancing home and work versus getting your public and private lives in sync.

In Tuesday's article The Inside Out Solution, LaBier writes:

"There is no way to balance work and home, because they exist on the same side of the scale -- what I consider the 'outer' part. On the other side of the scale is their personal, private life -- the "inner" person. I encourage clients not to think about balancing work life and home life, but to balance outer life and inner life." (Read More.)

LaBier is a business psychologist, author, researcher and psychotherapist. He is the founder and director of the Center for Adult Development , in Washington, D.C. LaBier brings over 30 years of experience to integrating positive human development with successful business and career strategies. He is the author of "Modern Madness: The Hidden Link Between Work and Emotional Conflict."

The transcript follows.

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Douglas LaBier: Hi Everyone --

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Minneapolis, Minn.: What is a good activity for someone to do to help them reflect on their priorities to help them balance their personal, professional, and community responsibilities?

Douglas LaBier: A good start is what I called the "values gap" exercise in the article. That helps you begin to think of what it would take to bring your inner and outer lives into better synch. Also, I have a list of helpful resources, web sites, etc., related to each of the "practices" I described in the sidebar to the article. These can be e-mailed to you if you send your e-mail address to CenterInfo@adultdev.org

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Bethesda, Md.: I know many people like those you described in your article -- high powered lawyer and lobbyist wife. These types of couples often complain mightily about how hard they work and how tough it is. But may seem very unwilling to let go of the combined incomes that exceed $400K in the DC area. They LIKE that level of money and power. They seem to really NEED the status. Do these issues ever get resolved?

Douglas LaBier: yes, they do. But it often takes an awakening - either from some kind of downturn - firing because of shift of political fortunes, or a personal loss, or from a growing, gradual questioning about what is it I'm really living for - the values conflict issue, which often taps you on the shoulder at midlife. But I see more and more people reflecting on the latter in the last several years; a growing shift in our culture

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Northwest Washington, D.C.: I think many people today are continually anxious about their economic security in an age of global competition. How do you counsel clients against this backdrop to be quietly confident in their ability to make a living and to be comfortable in retirement?

Douglas LaBier: They have to look at their life, overall, in terms of what their real aims are, re their values, sense of purpose. It requires being savvy about career, to navigate well; but also to have a larger framework of knowing what matters in the long run in your life

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Washington, D.C.: Until 2002, I was involved in technology marketing, a field for which I had a great deal of enthusiasm. When my company went bankrupt, I took a job with the federal government at a comparable salary. I told myself I was making a difference and serving my fellow citizens and that I would achieve career satisfaction through different means. After four years, I can honestly say that what motivates my coworkers does not motivate me. And my lack of passion in my current career has affected my outlook on life outside the office and my relationships with people I care a lot about. I yearn to get back into the technology field, and with the economy improving, there might be a chance. But being out four years is a lifetime and my connections were in another part of the country. What do you suggest should be my first move?

Douglas LaBier: I suggest you start by re-tooling your resume and building a network list, and you should do that with the help of someone who specializes in that, and can put you on the right path to reconnect you. I can recommend someone if you e-mail me at dlabier@adultdev.org

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Phoenix, Ariz.: I'm torn-I love my work, but have conflict with some of the people I work with. I work at a hospital and feel strongly that patient care should be our first priority. when staff pettiness or other personal selfish actions get in the way of patient care, I feel responsible to say something to management. lately, I have been the target of much negativity from staff, and my boss has encouraged me to not create any more waves- in other words, "stay out of trouble and play the game." this is clearly a situation of my inner self and outer self in conflict with each other, is it not? I'm passionate about my work, but don't know if I should continue when I feel my values/ethics are compromised. Thanks in advance for some guidance!

--one torn employee

Douglas LaBier: Hard to give useful feedback without knowing more about your situation and your workplace culture, but generally if what you experience is causing suffering, and you have attempted to deal with in ways that don't appear to have an impact, it would be better to look for another environment which has a healthier, more positive leadership and work culture. It's always a fine line between knowing when it's better to leave vs stay and try to make it work better. Just remember, you are unlikely to have impact on the culture; it will have impact on you.

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Baltimore, Md.: Excellent article. What jumped out was our comment about the fact that our culture does not encourte the self-help behaviors you discuss. I understand that Einstein said that Buddhism (the philosophy of which incorporates many inward calming behaviors) may turn out to be one of the great influences of the next (this) century! Do you see a spread of meditation practice in the public as others do Any ideas what school systems attempt to address this cultural shortfall?

Douglas LaBier: I think the culture is shifting in that respect -- we see the growing pursuit of meditation as a means of developing the inner life; some schools are teaching it to kids as a means of stress management. I think in general we're heading into an era in which the East is coming to the West, as some mystics have long predicted. Look at the growing convergence between science and ancient spiritual perspectives

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Grad School, USA: I am a married woman pursuing a PhD in engineering. I want to have children and I want to be intimately involved in their lives. I don't think that will be possible if I am pursuing a typical research career. You talk about making choices based on personal core values, which would lead me to stay-at-home motherhood while my children are young. As time goes by, I am more aware of the divergence between my inner desires and my professional development. How can I reconcile this imbalance and maintain my passion as I complete the training for a job I don't want?

Douglas LaBier: Can you try to think outside the box and envision how to create a "nontypical" career path; what would it look like? Could you create a way to keep a hand in your field after your Ph.D. while raising children, like through consulting or some kind of involvement. I know of some women in similar situations who did that successfully. Then, they weren't so "rusty" when they wanted to pursue their careers on a more full-time basis later.

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Ashton, Md.: I found it eye opening and full of potential to consider all the competing tasks of work and home as just one group of competing priorities, rather than two. Are you saying that developing an inner life may reduce the stress associated with the experience of working on some outer-life tasks at the expense of others - which choice previously resulted in anxiety, regret, or guilt? Might developing an inner life also make the process of actually deciding "what I pay attention to" simpler and less stressful?

Douglas LaBier: Exactly. Building the inner life gives that deeper, broader perspective which helps you become clearer about what to go after and what to let pass. Also helps you absorb the stresses of the outer life - why I called it an emotional shock absorber. Helps you also with seeing how and why you made the choices you did in the past, including what you regret. Self-forgiveness is important in order to grow, evolve.

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Washington, D.C.: I am a single mom and, try as I might, there are times when my personal life and work life collide. For example, yesterday, when schools were out and I had to find a nanny on short notice to take care of my toddler son. Fortunately, I have an employer who is very understanding.

Workplaces are going to have to understand that providing onsite daycare, either regular or emergency, is in the best interest of the company - liability issues aside.

I would be HAPPY to sign a reasonable liability waiver as long at they are not allowing my child to play with matches, sexual predators or dangle from the roof.

I would relish a space in my office building where my son could play, have dinner, watch a few cartoons and catch some zzzz's while I finish up my workday. He would appreciate just being near mommy.

It's a win-win all around. I get my work done. My employer gets his deadlines met. My son gets quasi-mommy time and we all are less stressed.

Am I missing something or does this make a modicum of sense?

Douglas LaBier: Makes a lot of sense. In fact, this is a growing trend among progressive employers - to have on-site facilities like that. Also some do it for aging parents of employees! Maybe you could try to join with others who would also value child daycare on site - check around on the Internet and I'll bet you find groups like that. Try also Work and Family Institute in NY for info

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Douglas LaBier: TO those of you who read the article online. There is an accompanying sidebar piece describing "practices" for developing your inner life, that some people may not have noticed, because you have to click to the right of the piece, about a third of the way down, where it says "inner-outer."

Also, I have a longer version of practices, web site resources, etc., which couldn't fit in the article. If anyone wants that, e-mail request to CenterInfo@adultdev.org

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Anonymous: My husband and I never really had difficulty before kids, but we waited until we were in our 30's until we had them. Now, he's the CEO of a small company and I'm at a fairly high level in my career, and our kids are now in elementary school. Life is very hectic to say the least. Add to the mix the fact that I've had to look after my mother's finances and matters since my father died a few years ago.

I feel like I prioritize, because that's the only way I know how to cope. The children's needs come first (after all there are lots of things they can't do for themselves), then my husband's, then my mother's, but there's no time left for me. Even lunchtimes at work are spent working to help others.

I know I'm not alone with this dilemma. My husband says I do too much, but I really don't think men are "caregivers" as much as women. For example, he'll just let things drop if he can't fit them in . . and then not be concerned, but I can't do that. If he lets something drop, I'll just have to pick that task up myself, giving me something else to do.

Do you see this situation frequently with spouses? A husband who minimizes responsibilities and a wife who takes them too seriously?

Douglas LaBier: ALL THE TIME! Yes, your situation is pretty common among women. I would push, very seriously, for a more mutual, equal partnership, to begin with. Don't settle for less. Secondly, the two of you need to do some reflection about what your vision is of you life together, of marriage, of your purpose, overall. Are you on the same wave-length? Are there gaps between what you profess and how you live? Describe what choices you may have to make to align your lives, family, relationship with what you believe. Continuing along on present path is what leads down the road to many divorces, family dysfunctions, affairs, etc.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Douglas, Thanks for doing this chat. I have two children under the age of 4, a full-time job, and a house to keep running. I'm luckier than many: My work-from-home spouse does the bulk of the childcare and a hefty share of the domestic chores. Still, it often seems that one sphere or another is always neglected--if I'm on top of things at work, I'm behind on the laundry or not spending enough good time with the kids. I suspect this is a common feeling. Any suggestions on how to either achieve balance--or on how to not mind the balance tilts back and forth? Thanks!

Douglas LaBier: It's tough, of course, with this kind of situation. One thing I believe helps is to take a long-range perspective. That is, overall, do you believe you're taking care of most of your responsibilities, etc., pretty well, over time? Don't judge just day to day. Also, can you focus on how well you do this, rather than how much is getting neglected? That can give you a greater sense of control and movement.

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Arlington, Va.: Any tips for recent college grads? Transitioning from college life to work like can be shocking, I think, in many ways. Thanks.

Douglas LaBier: It can be shocking, for sure! Try to see this as a period in which you're immersing yourself in the "adult" workplace culture, like an anthropologist might approach a foreign culture. At same time, reflect hard on what your heart is telling you about what you want in life, both career and personal life goals. Let that be your guide as much as possible. Good luck!

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Frederick, Md.: Where do you start if you're not even sure what your life's passions are anymore? I seem to think my family life is OK and work is OK and I can balance them -- but there is something else missing, I feel like my purpose got lost somewhere

Douglas LaBier: You're not alone, there. It happens a great deal. That's where some self-examination, meditation, can help you reawaken your lost passion. Or spend some time with a therapist to look at that. One exercise you could do is look back on your life via a time-line, reflecting on key turning points, decision to do this or that, go this way or that, and see if it stirs memories about what excited you, energized you that you've turned away from. How might you reclaim that now?

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Washington, D.C.: I can't agree more on your article. I'm a working mom and feel bad a lot of times when I have to miss my 7 yr old daughter's events, but it's really hard to balance the outer and inner. Does it make more sense to be a part-time working mom and join my daughter's all the events or be a full time working mom and earning more money so that she can live a better life? Thank you.

Douglas LaBier: Does earning "more money" necessarily bring her a better life? Children of corporate execs led away in handcuffs, etc...

Look inside, what does your heart tell you. I think everyone knows what makes more "sense" if they can turn the mirror inward, so to speak. What feels right overall, in terms of how you want to live, what kind of person you want your daughter to grow into? You can do different things at different phases of your life, you know. Think long-term, it's a marathon

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Rockville, Md.: I love this idea and want to embrace it (inner vs. outer). But, how can we all realistically do everything we need to do during a day and still have time for peace and relaxation? Simply getting up in the morning, getting the kids ready, working, making/having dinner, running errands and doing chores, and tying up loose ends can keep me busy from 6 am to 11 p.m.. How does the modern family do it? (We both have to work)

Douglas LaBier: Modern lives are extremely busy and hectic. But the answer is contained in your question, in a way: how to "still have time..." you see, it's a matter of how you think about what's important. Most people take a shower and brush their teeth. They just build that in to their routine, a given. It's important enough to them, right? When your inner life needs become as important, than you don't think of trying to find time, per se. It's similar to the way many couples approach sex, tacking it on to the end of a long day, and so forth, which causes long-term decline. So I suggest you begin by rethinking what you want to make a priority, what's important to you, and why?

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Bethesda, Md.: For the most part I enjoy my work and find it meaningful. I have had 100 percent responsibility as financial provider during the past 20 years(single parent) now, while still working full time, I am thinking about part-time work. I am re-married and my child is graduating from college this spring. Intellectually, I know I can afford to work part time, and will be able to make any life-style adjustments as needed to give me the time to pursue the creative outlets I want. My problem is that I am unable to enjoy a simple day off....I feel anxious about work and will often check email when I am on leave. I have tons of vacation time which I don't feel I can take without feeling anxious. How do I break this bad habit and give my self permission to enjoy well earned time off? How will I adjust to part time work if a day off makes me uncomfortable? Thank you...

Douglas LaBier: Sounds like you're dealing with some transition issues, very understandable. Most in your situation can't go cold-turkey, unless you really want that. Try to find ways to ease into the shift. But you may also be dealing with some emotional barriers, self-definition issues that work against letting go and transitioning into enjoying what you've earned. If so, some time with a therapist might help, or some intimate, reflective conversation with your spouse

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Aspen Hill, Md.: There is always talk about balancing work and the rest of life, including attempts to illustrate it with large jars full of rocks, sand and water but it doesn't work that way, in my opinion. Because of mortgages and such, work always has to come first and employers don't really care. They own you, work always has to come first and everything else second. After the job and the awful commute, I barely have enough time for me much less keeping up and repairing my house. Forget a social life and having a pet is out of the question because I'm gone for so many hours. I am single and own my own home so I can't just quit and take anything. Isn't it time employers realize that living to work isn't living at all? We, as a society, are regressing not progressing and it is reflected in the stress, poor health and anger of people in the U.S.

Douglas LaBier: Much is true in what you say. That's one reason I wrote the article! Actually, I think there is a growing shift in the culture, in people's life goals and attitudes, and in some parts of the business culture, towards healthier environments, driven by changes in what people want from work and their lives. Recent surveys show this

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Anonymous: I have been diagnosed with chronic fatigueimmune deficiency syndrome. my husband chooses to ignore this diagnosis and treat my illness as if it were all in my head. unfortunately he has lots of help from the medical community. what is your opinion of this illness?

Douglas LaBier: It's real; it does exist. Not a great deal is known about it, thou, or what helps. Some info about what might help might be on the Web site of Andrew Weil, MD, www.drweil.com

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Bethesda, Md.: Inner life for me includes paying attention to the things that give me pleasure, such as reading a good novel. To get some relief from the constant work-home stress you have to concentrate on things you can control and that are do-able and relatively short term, it seems to me.

Douglas LaBier: Yes, exactly. I think you need to have enough of those kinds of experiences that they produce a great sense of integration or balance, overall. Having that sense of "control" you mention is important, particularly in these times

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New Hampshire: Hi Dr. LaBier,

I have been in a long-term relationship with a woman that I love deeply. Unfortunately, we seem to have hit the rocks over the issue of balance. At times I have identified this as a struggle between work and the relationship, since I was frequently left feeling that her career objectives came before me/us. After reading your article today I see that it might really be about getting in touch with the internal compass and bridging the gap between the external and internal. Do you have any suggestions on how a couple can navigate this process together? Are there pitfalls to watch out for?

Thanks.

washingtonpost.com: The Inside Out Solution (Post, Feb. 14)

Douglas LaBier: I suggest both of you doing some of the exercises in the piece, together. See my note earlier about the longer version of the practices, with resources, etc., which we can e-mail to you, if you send e-mail address to CenterInfo@adultdev.org This can help, and be a couples activity as well

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Hartford, Conn.: What a great way to think about life! I'd like some tips on how to get my kids -- a 12-year-old girl and a 9-year-old boy -- thinking along these lines now, so they might possibly avoid this kind of conflict when they get older. Any ideas?

Douglas LaBier: The one thing I would stress is focusing on what kind of PERSON you want them to become - their values, character, etc.; and supporting positive interests and talents. This helps them grow up with more centeredness, and with more internal strength, perceptiveness, etc. Must be modeled at home, however, by parents! Also, what do you talk about with them, like at dinnertime? Broaden their outlook to the larger world, the global community, to help them gain perspective about life and other people, cultures.

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N.Y., N.Y.: An interesting idea. I find that when I try to start to think about my ultimate goals, I stop myself, as though sure I won't be able to go there and don't want to risk the disappointment. Ideas on how to get past this?

Douglas LaBier: If you focus on disappointment, that's what you're likely to end up with. A practice here is to use creative imagination to envision what you might come up with if you were a different version of yourself who could do that. Like an alternative you. If you can begin to envision, don't be distracted by negative thoughts. Picture yourself "moving" through them, like through a fog, focused on where you're going, aiming towards. Write down you ideas, and this gives you a basis for beginning to move in positive direction

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Lorton, Va.: Comments: Call it accident (to which I no longer believe) but I accidentally read your column and got interested. I believe that every person has good and bad qualities and if you always look for the bad qualities of a person, you will always hate him. But if you try to look at the good part of him, them you might even love him. I was told by a friend of mine that if you love someone, he/she cannot do anything but repay that love. Happy Valentine.

Douglas LaBier: Good thought! I think it's true!

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Midwest: I'm scanned your article and like your ideas, but there's so much that's out of my control! My husband is clinically depressed and not working steady. I have five kids that even though I'm working FT now I am the primary provider. I'm going to school. If I think too much about my responsibilities, I start to have a panic attack!

Douglas LaBier: Sounds like you're handling things pretty well, under difficult circumstances. That's something worthy of admiration!

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McLean, Va.: Did not Bill Clinton in his book My Life talk about his conflict between inner and outer lives? I assume that this conflict resulted in his destructive behavior in the White House. Do you think that he has found a way to balance the two?

Douglas LaBier: I hope so!

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: I come from a long line of homemakers and I'm the first work-outside-the-home mother in my family. More than that, I'm fairly accomplished in my career. I realize I can't do all the things with my kids like my sister does, but I do all I can and maximize the time we spend together. I don't feel like my kids are deprived because I work. However, I feel like in order to accomplish this, I have left no time for myself. My sister doesn't seem to feel guilty if she needs a day of pampering to herself, but I cannot live with myself if I have a day off and I don't spend it with my family. Is this type of pressure what is causing the working-mother burn out?

Douglas LaBier: Yes, it does. You need to examine why you don't give yourself what you need. Taking care of your own mind-body-spirit is legitimate, and also it's necessary, in order to be at your best with your family. Reflect on that.

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Maryland: Please talk about caregiver adults who work. This is a real killer- My boss says she's completely supportive- and she is better than most- but still, I can't take call after call at my desk- and it seems overwhelming at times- the work required for my parents. It's a full time job some times- and it is very hard to do and not be in trouble at work.

Douglas LaBier: It is hard. If you feel you're doing the best you can to honor your responsibility to your parents that you've taken on, that's worthy of applause.

As long as you feel you are doing what feels right in your heart.

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Glendale, Ariz.: My husband is a teacher and ends up bringing work home every night. He is very stressed and disappointed that there seems to be no time left over for anything else. How I can help?

Douglas LaBier: Suggest seeing a good couples therapist who may be able to help the two of you find ways to work together, to help deal with the stresses more effectively as a couple

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Rockville, Md.: At work we have formed Simplicity groups to work on the issues you discussed in your article. Currently we are reading and working through a book called Your Money or Your Life. This is a good book and full of difficult homework. One thing that I learned is that my hourly wage, including travel time to work and extra hours at work, is much lower that my salary reflects. Can you suggest any other books, or have you written any books to help us still stuck and out of balance?

Douglas LaBier: There are some, but I'd have to think over to recommend some. If you want to send your e-mail address to dlabier@adultdev.org, I'll try to suggest some

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washingtonpost.com: That conclude's today's discussion with Douglas LaBier. Thank you for your questions and comments.

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