* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

DAILY UPDATES: 3.1.06 | 3.2.06 | 3.3.06

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything...

Today's Poll... is in two parts. Determine your sex, and then answer both Question 1 and Question 2.

Men: Question 1 | Question 2

Women: Question 1 | Question 2

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

My column on Sunday provoked a tsunami of mail, not all of itcondemnatory, and it included only one veiled (haha) threat. I found thatencouraging. It is with a heavy heart, however, that I must report this:The Straits Times, a newspaper in Malaysia, published this writhing,groveling front-page apology for publishing a cartoon about The Prophet.Okay? Now here is the cartoon they published, the thing for whichthey felt a need to writhe. Can the world press possibly debase itselfthrough cowardice any more than that?

So that is the first sign of the Impending Apocalypse. The second arrivedin an e-mail from my friend Horace Labadie, who included a clip from theBBC. It revealed that Daniel Craig, the latest incarnation of James Bond... cannot drive a stickshift. Bond's classic Aston Martin DB5 has had tobe converted to an automatic.

So I was feeling really depressed this weekend when I stopped at aneighborhood deli. The man behind the counter -- a trainee -- appeared tobe just off the boat from Malaysia or someplace. He looked at me,pleasantly, eager to please, and said, "Hiyaiwao heyupaio yowie."

I said: Ah, ah, could I have three plain bagels?

He nodded vigorously and then enthusiastically pointed, one by one, toevery single item displayed -- jelly donuts, French bread, the coffeemachine, croissants, onion bagels, and I kept shaking my head, until,eventually, he came to the plain bagels, and I nodded. Then he wrappedit quickly and efficiently, and I asked him how much, and he smiled andsaid, "Taiyawo Maoeee yop," and a woman who was watching this, andtraining him, said,"Two dollars and thirty cents," and he attempted torepeat this, and it came out "Tooyasuttysiz." So I proffered three dollars,which resulted in a three or four minutes of animated conversation aroundthe cash register, partially in Engrish and partially in Malaysian orTagalog or something, after which correct change was made, and the new guybehind the counter rushed it to me, and, warmly smiling, gave it to me,saying, "Yuwao zee kowlaoiiee, bip." And at that moment I caught the eyeof the woman doing the training, and she burst out laughing. Which mademe, despite my best efforts, burst out laughing. Which made the guy behindthe counter burst out laughing. I almost cried at the joy of it.

My only point here is that I do love this country, and there may be hopefor us all, and that enthusiastic guy probably will be running a majorAmerican corporation in eight or ten years.

Lessee, speaking of major corporations, I was stunned to learn last week that Quartermaine's Coffee is not one. Circumstances required me to correspond with the company, at which time I discovered it is basically a mom n' pop concern that exists only in the Bethesda-Rockville area of the United States of America. This is shocking because Quartermaine's coffee, which I obtain at their only outlet store, in downtown Bethesda, is far and away the best coffee available anywhere. (No, I am not being paid or comped for this testimonial.) I care about coffee, I have tried everything, and nothing comes close to Quartermaine's house blend, which looks as greasy as a loanshark's hair. This is a public service announcement, presented to you free of charge by Chatological Humor. Whatever you do, however, do not accept the freebie cup of coffee they offer you at the outlet store. For some reason, it is nearly impotable.

Speaking of recent revelations, I discovered to my utter astonishment yesterday that when I type, my right pinkie is vestigial. I do not use it. I use all nine other fingers. But I hit the p and the ; and the " and the ? with my right ring finger. I never knew this and I find it oddly disturbing.

Take today's poll. Interesting results, so far. I am a little surprised that there is not a larger differential between what bugs men and what bugs women, though the results are a little misleading, collapsing differences unrealistically: To figure out what percentage of the answers include a certain gripe, you need to multiply the percent by five. As I write this, for example, 12 percent of men listed "People who talk in movies" as one of their five biggest complaints. That means it was mentioned on sixty percent of the guys' ballots.

This was an extraordinary comics week, particularly Friday, a watershed day for the Washpost comix. Accordingly, we have more comic lynx today than ever before. All terrific: Friday's Speed Bump , Friday's Zits (which is a new take on the old joke about the guy who was bit by a snake), Friday's Get Fuzzy , Friday's Boondox , Friday's Candorville . The CPOW is Thursday's Non Sequitur . Runner Ups are today's Flying McCoys and Sunday's Opus .

I cannot forbear directing you to today's For Better or For Worse , which is vomit-inducing. And to today's Cathy , in which we discover that Cathy doesn't want Irving to know her dress size. How bizarre is that?

Okay, let's go.

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85748: It never occurred to me that people find restaurant chatter annoying. That stuff is hilarious! I hear all of it, but usually my companions are oblivious, so in the most earnest voice I can muster, I fill them in on the important goings on around them.

I always do it really quietly, but you'd be surprised how many loudmouths look my way during the retelling.

Gene Weingarten: Well, restaurant chatter is great when it is either interesting or hilariously stupid. I love hearing about the perils of razor burn after stage two of sex-change transition. I also love to hear (as the rib and I once did) some guy trying to impress a date by expounding on the works of Goethe, but pronouncing it GO-eth.

But so much of restaurant chatter is dreary and banal. That's the bad stuff.

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Alexandria, Va.: I find it interesting that on the one hand, you can say that humor often derives from our pompous pretense that we are not animals that poop, and then on the other hand you defend veganism as a rational dietary choice. The facts are pretty settled on this. We are natural omnivores and we were eating meat long before erectus became sapiens. Veganism is exactly this kind of denial; pretending that we are some other type of creature simply because we evolved big brains and empathy. Those attributes don't change the facts that we have incisors evolved for tearing meat and thatmeat is the most ready and potent source of the dietary protein our bodies and big brains need to thrive.

Gene Weingarten: We also used to hit each other over the head with clubs, and "lovemaking" was generally rape. We civilize ourselves, or try to.

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Bethesda, Md.: Taco Bell has now added "funny" riffs on its little packets of taco sauce. Among them:

Open quickly, I'm burning up in here (on the packet of mild sauce)

Do you add sauce left to right or right to left?

Willing to relocate.

Where are you taking me?

If you throw this, would it be a flying saucer?

Clearly, these people need help (well, the last one isn't bad). Any suggestions?

Gene Weingarten: I shall refer this to the Empress of the Style Invitational. In fact, I am hereby doing so.

My entry: Caution -- Do not use as personal lubricant.

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Kissimmee, Fla.: Regarding veganism: why vegan instead of vegetarian? I understand that eggs are potential chickens and while this isn't a physical harm but is a mental one (if you believe chickens have feelings), but what about milk and it's byproducts? How are those products harmful to the animal? I've often heard of cows becoming ill because they were not milked and didn't have calves to feed. Am I misunderstanding the difference between the two?

On a different note, do vegans oppose the use of animals as workers? What I mean is that horses and oxen and whatnot that are used as labor -- do they also not buy any products that come from this? And wouldn't this drive them crazy making sure that whatever it is they consume/wear/use is in no way connected to the use of animals? Do they also not keep pets? I'm a bit dizzy from this now.

Gene Weingarten: I'll answer this to the best of my knowledge.

Vegans who are vegans for reasons of animal rights believe that animals should not be killed or enslaved for the benefit of humans. The enslavement part is important. I once asked my friend Bruce Friedrich, the PETA spokesman, what animal he would save if he could only save one: what one practice he would stop. He said it would be the enslavement of egg-laying chickens.

If you subscribe to this you will not drink milk or eat milk products; dairy cows have a really crappy life. You will not eat eggs. The very strict vegans will not eat honey.

Molly is not a member of PETA, though, like PETANS, she despises zoos and circuses that use animals. One area where she differs from them is that PETANS believe in the perfect world, we would not have dogs and cats as pets ("companion animals," they call em.) I believe if she could, Mol would have 600 dogs. Me, too.

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Vegetab, IL: Your daughter, Molly, is a veterinarian-in-training and a vegan. She is a vegan on moral grounds. The photo of her you shared with us showed her caring for cattle apparently being raised for milk or meat. Unless the barn she's in is, for example, a PETA rescue facility, isn't her care for these animals complicity in an immoral act?

Gene Weingarten: Well, depends how you look at it.

To become a vet, Molly HAS to work with dairy and meat cattle. There is no way around that. Once she is a vet, she will use her skills in a way that reflects her love of and respect for animals. She is not going to become a factory-farm vet. For all I know, she is going to be a consulting vet at an animal sanctuary, treating cows and pigs that were rescued from factory farming.

Can you condemn her for this? Boy, I cannot.

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Intestin, al: What in God's name was Molly holding after having her arm in the cow?

Gene Weingarten: That was a man. She had her arm around a man.

Oh, you mean the other hand? Nothing. She had a hand full of cow poop.

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George W. Bush: I am a Republican. I generally support Bush. However, can someone tell me why Bush is threatening to use his first veto to allow the UAE to own the company that controls our ports?

Gene Weingarten: Read Richard Cohen's op ed piece today. Hes right. Sorry, but this is not the one issue Bush has been wrong on. THIS IS THE ONE ISSUE HE HAS BEEN RIGHT ON.

Gene Weingarten: Liz, can we link to Cohen, today?

washingtonpost.com: Bush, Speaking Up Against Bigotry , ( Post, Feb. 28 )

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Washington, D.C.: Hey Gene! A question for Pthep: What is the plural of doufus?

washingtonpost.com: Doofus is spelled wrong, doofus.

Gene Weingarten: It's doofuses.

Gene Weingarten: I prefer "dufus," but the Post won't let me write it that way. Yes, it's in the Stylebook. Pat the Perfect polices things like that.

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Washington, D.C.: I can only guess that those who aren't bothered by those who slam their airplane seats into the knees of those behind them are either (a) vertically challenged or (b) the ones doing the slamming. Show a little consideration for your fellow (wo)man people!

Gene Weingarten: This is my largest bugaboo. (I'm analyzing the poll early, okay?)

I believe it is never acceptable to recline your seat in the plane, unless no one is seated behind you, or it is the middle of the night and everyone is asleep. No degree of incline is acceptable.

When someone does this to me, I engage in a war of knee jabs.

And I always resist the urge to recline my own seat to get away from this assault. That is only passing on the rudeness.

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Alexandria, Va.: Here's my top 5 annoying people archetypes. Didn't really coincide much with your options.

1. People who restate themselves relentlessly (especially during meetings).

2. Musicians who refuse to jam based on a difference in skill levels (whether better or worse)

3. Stereotypers

4. Show-boaters

5. People who think of themselves as authority figures

Gene Weingarten: I go along with all but number three. Stereotyping is exactly the sort of idiotic complaint people like you always have.

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2/23 update: OK, neither of those links were any good.

You have the university webpage for someone of Japanese descent, with a completely normal Japanese name. Yes, ha ha, when you pronounce it with English words it's a dirty joke; we are not amused. It would be an aptonym if the guy was a proctologist or a constipation researcher, but a laser/optics guy?

And then you have a story about a figure skater, with several restaurateurs with ordinary names. What, the funny thing is that the Italian restaurant is owned by a guy named Anderson? If you're trying to link the sub shop guy to the Harding-Kerrigan thing of a decade ago, that's a pretty dammed weak joke, Gene.

washingtonpost.com: Dude -- Phil McKracken !!!

Gene Weingarten: Even better, Phil McCracken.

Also, just so the chatters who didn't read the updates can understand your shocking lack of a sense of humor, the Japanese scientist was named "Kazutoshi Takenoshita." Okay?

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Out west: My god. I play my car stereo really loud, honk if I think someone is taking too long to make a decision, and sometimes cut into a line of cars. My personal stuff would surely seem inane to anyone who overheard me discussing it. I don't think I talk all that loudly on my cell phone, but I wouldn't, would I?

I'm realizing that I'm really annoying.

Gene Weingarten: I honk and cut, too.

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Lansing, Mich.: A shout-out to Jef Mallett, who's experiencing a birthday today...

Gene Weingarten: Patty, I am not Willard Scott. We do not announce birthdays on this chat. This is a journalism chat, covering serious issues like the president's approval rating and vomit.

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Coffee: You obviously haven't tried Hayes Coffee from Oak Park, Ill. A mom'n'pop place for over 100 years, and the best coffee available anywhere. And really really nice people who run it. We still order it though we've been in the MD suburbs for almost 10 years now.

Gene Weingarten: Try Quartermaine's, sucker.

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Lansing, Mich.: I recline my seat on airplanes, but never all the way back (unless the person behind me is so reclined). Just slightly. Is that OK, or still obnoxious?

Gene Weingarten: It is totally obnoxious.

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Relationship Advice: Gene,

Thanks to a programming quirk, you're chatting at the same time as the guy talking about relationship counseling. So, advise me, Gene. What should you know about the person you're considering marrying before you marry them?

Gene Weingarten: It is VERY important to know if they are of the sex to which you are attracted.

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The land of toddlerhood: where we're home sick today.

Anyway, said toddler has JUST started walking (at 13 months). The funny part is, he's been cruising (walking holding on to furniture) for months now, so now that he's started walking for real, he walks sideways. Is it wrong to find this funny?

Alas, he's learning so fast I probably won't be able to capture this on videotape to embarass future girlfriends.

Gene Weingarten: Dan CRAWLED sideways, like a crab.

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Rexburg, Idaho: Gene, can you (and your chatters) please help me? I don't know who else to ask; I feel awkward. I'm a young virgin with my first boyfriend. Last night, all he did was rub my ears, and somehow this led me to be what I imagine it would be like to be drunk. I couldn't stop giggling and I had no control. (He didn't take advantage of me, despite my lack of control. He has my respect.) Why did I lose control over something so simple as him touching my ears? Please respond.

Gene Weingarten: I am laughing here, and I just don't know how to answer this. Anyone?

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Herndon, Va.: Mr. W: Your mention of the local coffe store should be tied with today's Post article in Style on Chuck Levin's music store. There are so few of these left -- local stores where you can actually talk to the top management (who may first get to you if you walk in the door and the other salespeople are busy). I've been there to buy a tuba for one son, a trumpet for another, and a few items for myself. It's like going back to the stores of my youth -- whether music, clothes, or even cars, with a local owner, and no "higher management" two states or two countries away.

washingtonpost.com: Chuck Levin's Riff and Ready Charm , ( Post, Feb. 28 )

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, the way I found out about Quartermaine's is I wrote a complaint to the company (a minor matter). It was answered by the president and CEO.

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Melbourne, Fla.: On the razor continuum, from straight to electric, I consider myself a fuddy-duddy: I go with the rechargable electric. But I considering a fling this weekend with the five (or is it really six?) bladed newbie on the market until I saw the price. $10 for the razor itself,unpowered mind you, and $25 for pack of 8 replacements. Lemme get this straight, $100 or so a year still with the risk of hacking off a pimple, bump etc.

Gene Weingarten: I tried the Fusion razor last week, as promised. A very good, but very slimy shave. They loaded on that slime to make it glide. I could do without it.

I am sticking to my straight razor. A closer shave, actually, than even the Fusion.

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no, YOU are: "If everyone were a vegetarian, animals would not be consigned to horrible lives and painful deaths.

You are fulla crap. In short."

If we weren't eating them, we'd have no use for them, and it wouldn't be long before we figured out a way to dispatch them. You know why no one really cares about the Polar Bear's fate? Because we don't eat them. If you actually believe that by becoming vegetarian, somehow we humans will allow the animals to frolic in the fields, you are a moron. We consider this planet our little playground.

I do eat meat, and I don't feel guilty. I fully believe in the food chain. I know that another carnivore would gladly munch on me if given the chance, and I don't begrudge them that.

I try to pay attention to the source of my food, and not do business with companies that have poor humane records. That's the ONLY facet of immorality when it comes to animal consumption. Are you aware that there are several certified humane producers in the area?

I don't attack my vegetarian friends for their eating habits, and they don't attack me -- but let's give the whole "oh, it's immoral to eat meat, I feel like a hypocrite" crap a rest.

I'll enjoy my steak and, when I die, I'm going to insist that I not be cremated or chemically altered so that the little critters can enjoy eating me. So there.

Gene Weingarten: Your offer means nothing unless you will let them eat you NOW. Because only THAT would be parity.

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Washington, D.C.: Who is Phil McCracken?

Gene Weingarten: He is the owner of a Baltimore restaurant. The name is funny. If you don't get it, you don't get it.

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Virginia: I don't like tattoos.

I have never looked at a tattoo on a man (or a woman) and thought, "Wow, that looks hot."

Mostly, I think that they look cheap. And that they detract from the overall attractiveness of a good-looking person. And that while time is unforgiving to all of us, it takes a particular toll on inked skin.

Yes, I understand that tattoos are considered art. I also understand that there are people who consider Thomas Kinkade's landscapes to be art. So.

But -- My husband wants to get a tattoo. And he's eager to get my blessing. He knows how I feel about such things, but he keeps trying to win me over. My opinion about body art isn't going to change. So is this one of those things that I just need to suck up, for the sake of marital bliss, and tell him to go ahead?

In that case, do I need to pretend to like it?

And the bigger question: Am I being unreasonable? It's his body, after all. And we're not talking about a giant prison tat across his forehead.

Gene Weingarten: Many years ago, I cut a beard off because my wife didn't like it. I liked it. Basically, I decided that she didn't like it more than I liked it.

You need to apply that logic, I think. You love each other, you'll do what's right.

This does remind me of something I read in The Executioner's Song, Mailer's book about Gary Gilmore. In prison, Gilmore developed a rep as a pretty good prison-tattoo guy. Other inmates paid him in cigarettes for giving them tattoos. There was one guy no one liked who asked Gilmore to put an eagle or something on his back. Gilmore agreed, and kept delaying until just before this guy's mother was gonna visit, and then gave him a tattoo, high on the back of the neck, with the guy proudly showed to his mom, who would see it before he would. It was a penis.

I THINK I'm remembering that right.

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Ear-rubbing: Hey, it's 10:18 in Idaho. Get back to class, you little harlot.

Gene Weingarten: Now, now.

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The Jet Stream: Your zealotry regarding reclining seats while in flight is, well, sorta stupid.

My universalizing your rule Kantian-style, you'd have everyone sit upright for the duration of the flight, which most people would agree isn't very comfortable. If everyone reclines, by contrast, we all have the same amount of space, but we're all much more comfortable.

Doesn't that make more sense? Why should we all suffer when none of us has to? When someone complains about my reclining, I just tell them to do the same.

In my view, I've paid for the space a seat takes up while reclining; the space in front of me that a reclining seat takes up was never mine to begin with.

The one flaw: a few people get stuck in seats that don't recline (seats in front of a bulkhead or before the exit row). I do try to have mercy on those poor souls, and there's a special place in Hell for the airplane designer who penciled those in.

Gene Weingarten: Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Reclining does many bad things to the person behind you, including making the tray table almost unusable. It also aggravates an already claustrophobic situation.

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Airplane seats: When the passenger in front of me reclines his seat I open my air vent wide and direct it at his head.

Gene Weingarten: I have heard of this strategy. It apparently works best on a bald head.

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Old Age Home, Warwick, R.I.: When you're a virgin, any touch contact is exaggerated in importance. When I was young, if you touched a woman's ear, she could get pregnant and you had to marry her.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is actually correct. I say this as a man who remembers the first time he rounded second and headed for third.

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: One amazing thing about the poll results is the complete lack of anything resembling a consensus on even a single annoyance. I'm personally shocked that so few people agree with me that X-treme perfume (and cologne!) wearers are the greatest single threat to our democracy since the Ruskies launched Sputnik.

Gene Weingarten: Again, beware the inadvertent collapsing of differences. Something that gets 15 percent is actually being mentioned on 75 percent of the ballots.

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Ft. Greene, Brooklyn, N.Y.: Why is it considered rude to ask a woman her age? Yes, I know it's tradition and all... but that doesn't get at why. Age is a fact, and there's no judgment being placed on the woman being asked (i.e. that she looks good or bad for her age, etc.) I just don't understand why women find this question offensive, beyond the fact that society implies that it's an offensive question.

Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: I think I know the answer, but will defer to the ladies. Ladies?

The rib and I lived in Fort Greene for three years in the late 70s and early 80s. Molly was born there. We lived on South Portland Ave. Are you on South Portland Ave.? I am guessing yes.

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Astoria, N.Y.: Bush at 34 percent approval, Cheney at 18 percent approval. I am not sure if this is Funny or sad?? Couldn't people have realized this before they re-elected him!

Gene Weingarten: The thing I am agriest at Bush for is that he has created a truly ghastly rift in this country. People like you and I are actually steamed at -- and contemptuous of -- the 51 percent who voted for him. That's bad. We have to get over this. We all need to just make sure we do not elect another cognitively challenged person.

Gene Weingarten: Er, make that "angriest."

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Re: razors: a true story: Gene, on the question of razor types, I submit to you an absolutely true story from a period when I was in a very bad state of mental health.

I was at a friend's house for a Seder that my ex, who had just dumped me, was also attending. I got extremely drunk on Manischevitz, and decided to go upstairs and slit my wrists. I made it to the bathroom, where I discovered that... all he had was an electric razor.

I can laugh about this incident today (nine years later), and in fact tell the story occasionally at AA meetings, where the been-there audience inevitably howls in appreciation. But if I'd been at your house instead of his, I probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale.

Any comments?

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

If you can laugh at it, big guy, so can I. It's very funny.

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McCracken: Yeah, still pretty weak. Peepee doodoo.

Gene Weingarten: You may not denigrate peepee doodoo in this chat.

Furthermore, the amazing thing about this is that "Phil McCracken" is an old joke.

This would be like finding a real person named Heywood Jablome.

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Anonymous: To Alexandria: In some cases, yes, veganism can be seen as defying "what comes naturally"... however, some of your basic premises are wrong. Human incisors were not evolved for tearing flesh, they are more well suited to fruit and nuts. Also, the human digestive tract is not well suited for handling the amount of meat modern Americans eat. When "sapiens" first evolved, meat was an infrequent addition to the diet, hard won by significant effort. Now, if you're willing to broaden your definition of "meat" a little bit, to include windfalls like carcasses left by other predators or alternative sources of protein like insects... that's the kind of thing we less-hairy monkeys are evolved for. Mmm, pass the woodgrubs!

We're also not evolved to handle agriculturally produced products like wheat or dairy in large amounts, but that's a whole different argument.

Gene Weingarten: Oooh, this reminds me. I am in receipt of an excellent photo from rural Maryland, sent in by a reader who wishes to remain anonymous. Check out this sign.

Liz, can we link to it?

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Louisville, Ky.: I think that people that talk throughout movies display sickening arrogance. Not only are their opinions and conversations so important that they can't be discussed quietly or after the film, but they have no problem disrupting the enjoyment of a presentation that fellow patrons have spent a lot of money on. If the tickets of an entire house cost $5,000 in total, that one rude person or couple is broadcasting that whatever nonsense they have to say (and it's ALWAYS stupid) is worth that $5,000 and who care about what we want or paid for.

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes. It seems to be the most popular peeve, across both genders.

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Ears, Idaho: I assume you know there are folks who submit fiction in order to get published in this chat. I think the "young virgin" is probably a 25 -ear-old male. I am suspicious because I am a 25-year-old male.

Gene Weingarten: I believe it. If it were made up, it would have been much more lascivious.

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washingtonpost.com: The Photo

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Phoenix, Md.: Clock Repair! After 25 years of corporate BS, I left my well paying purchasing position to start a business doing clock repair. I've take n the classes at NAWCC and am looking for shop space in northern Baltimore County. Since you do clock repair and would have preferred to do that for a living if it payed as well, what advice would you give me?

Gene Weingarten: If you are doing clocks only, not watches (batteries and bands are very cost-effective) and are starting without a ready-made clientele, you may well starve. Sorry. But good luck.

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Do you Yahoo?: I remember this came up in a previous chat, but this week it happened. A friend of mine died, and one of his relatives sent out a mass e-mail, gently describing his last days and what plans had been made for the funeral. And because it was from a Yahoo address, that cheerful question was tagged at the bottom. At least it made me laugh!

Gene Weingarten: It's great, isn't it? I have laughed many times at the sudden inappropriateness of Do You Yahoo?

My column on Sunday is about gmail, and the ads that appear with your incoming email. A similar hilarity.

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Slight correction on the razor-suicide story: In the spirit of Gene's careful attention to all things gender-related: I was the suicidal potential-razor-user, and I'm not a guy.

Gene Weingarten: Oh. Hm. Are you sure?

Well, my brain is definitely going. See next post.

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Seattle, Wash.: Yup, the funeral question was discussed on the 1-24-05 Chat. Took about two seconds to Google it. Not sure what bothers me most; the fact that I remember it like it was yesterday or the fact that I've probably read every chat since then.

I need to get a life.

washingtonpost.com: Chatological Humor , ( Jan. 24, 2005 )

Gene Weingarten:

And I need to get a brain, obviously.

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The Poll: I thought the poll was easy. My answers were based on the things that waste the most of my time. Some things might be annoying, but they're easy to deal with (like the telemarketer). But others (sales clerks talking or being stolen, people with too many items in the express lane or holding up a line for whatever reason) waste my time, which drives me nuts.

I included people talking at the movies as one of the things that most annoys me because these days it seems to be such a time commitment to go see a movie. I don't make it to many so people who talk ruin my experience and thus waste my time. I don't, however, have a problem with telling them to shut up.

That said, I don't mind wasting my own time with things such as writing to this chat, doing the crossword and soduku, etc. It's only when others waste it.

Gene Weingarten: You know what I don't understand? Coughing. It seems like as soon as the lights dim at the movies, a half dozen people start coughing. What's that about.

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Vegan Reagan: Why is Vegan pronounced like Reagan? Pretentious. It should sound Vegetable. Veg-an. Just like they do in (pretentious) England.

Gene Weingarten: It isn't pronounced like Reagan. It is pronounced like Keegan. And I have no idea why.

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Hank Stuever: We can only truly help Virginia when she tells us WHAT KIND of tattoo her husband wants, and WHERE.

All of the following are grounds for divorce or trial separation: barbed-wireish vaguely oriental things wrapped around biceps; tramp stamps on the tailbone; cartoon characters; frat letters; brand logos. Anything on the pecs. Anything in a foreign language -- you think tattoo parlors on Route 1 speak Mandarin? How many dudes are walking around with what they think is Buddhist wisdom on their shoulder, when really it says, "I am the world's biggest a**"?

Virginia, help us help you.

Gene Weingarten: Good point, Hank.

Okay, be specific, Virginia.

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RE: Hot Sauce Slogans: Taco Bell Brand Multi-Purpose Contacts Solution.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Washington, D.C.: Bush's rift: On Saturday night, I was at a party in Leesburg, VA, at the home of a Republican. A fellow partygoer started talking trash about the Washington Post, and the hostess took him aside and pointed at me and my companion and mentioned that we are yellow dog Democrats. The fellow partygoer IMMEDIATELY got up and walked away and did not talk to either of us for the rest of the party. I only hope he's still friends with the hostess.

Gene Weingarten: It's amazing, isn't it? I am truly, viscerally angry at 100 million people I do not know.

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Arlington, Va.: Regarding veganism: You're right, all sorts of despicable behavior that used to be perfectly acceptable is now beyond the pale. But clubbing and raping one another, slave-owning, and the like all had to do with humans mistreating other humans. What does that have to do with whether or not I should enjoy a steak?

Gene Weingarten: Good God, people, you cannot really believe this.

It is about civilizing ourselves. Being better people. Not tormenting sentient life forms.

Would you eat a dog?

Pigs are just as smart as dogs. Cows aren't far off.

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Muskrat Love: The best thing about the sign is that they flipped over a P to make the B in CRAB CAKES. I would find that P irresistible.

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Arlington, Va.: The top 10 in a Mitsubishi Motors-sponsored web poll of the wackiest street names in the U.S.:

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Tenn.

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, this is very good, but FarfromPoopen should have won.

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Halls Crossroads, Tenn.: My computer is freezing up more often and I know I'll need a new one, I just realized that I'm totally out of liquor, the cardiologist is talking about my two leaking valves needing replacement (these things are in order of importance), and then I go to my computer and stare at the wallpaper.

It relaxes me. It soothes me. It's of your front yard. Thank you for that.

Gene Weingarten: It relaxes and soothes me, too. Glad to share.

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Baltimore, Md.: Last week, Chatwoman wrote regarding vegans: "...because it would be upsetting to you for your child to never worry about diet-related health problems?"

Any vegans who eschew products of chemical factories will die of vitamin B12 deficiency. The only natural sources of B12 are animals.

washingtonpost.com: Thanks for writing, Baltimore. This is a common refrain from critics of a vegetarian/vegan diet. B12 is inherent in bacteria and humans used to get most of it from eating vegetables grown in soil rich in B12-containing bacteria, not from eating meat. Because of the pesticides/herbicides/etc. used in industrial farming, the B12 is no longer in the soil. Yes, it is still, however, in the bacteria of the meat you're eating.

It is also very necessary for good health, which is why I drink Soy milk fortified with B12.

Useless Trivia (or is it): How much B12 does the average person need in his/her daily diet? 2.4 micrograms, or so sayeth the NIH .

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this argument is not a fabulous one.

You guys ever see a rally of PETA people? All vegans. Clear skin, bright eyes, gorgeous women, handsome men. Except for Bruce Friedrich, who looks like a polyp.

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For all of you...: who misinterpreted my comments last week: Of course, I include straight people when I say I don't want ANYBODY to use in-vitro, surrogates or anything other technology based procreation. (That was the point, although it was either conveyed very poorly OR I used loaded words to goad you all). If you can't conceive naturally then nature is telling you something.

I want STRAIGHT, GAYS and whomever to ADOPT any and all children without a family. If I WAS prejudiced towards gays would I want them to adopt? (expressed in the original post, BTW) I've even counseled a straight friend to adopt a Chinese child rather than use in-vitro. It costs the same but actually helps someone who already exists. (She agreed)

For those of you who did not misinterpret my comments. Thank you!

And, thank you Gene, for letting me clear the air!

Gene Weingarten: Gotcha. I did misinterpret what you said, and I apologize for flaming you, but I still disagree.

I can't condemn people who use technology to help them conceive any more than I can condemn people for using antibiotics to cure an infection.

I do strongly believe in adoption. Some weeks ago I mentioned that I make no distinction between parenting an adopted kid and parenting your biological kid, and said I didn't understand people who seem to regard adoption as a consolation prize, or a next-best-thing.

What I do have a little trouble with is people who have a LOT of kids. Like, a lot. To those people, I would say: Howzabouts adopting numbers four, five, six and seven?

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Re: your sign. Joy of Cooking used to have a recipe for muskrat in it. My copy, bought in the '70's, has it. I treasure it. My daughter will get a copy of Joy of Cooking when she gets her first apartment. I'm hoping to find an old edition so that she to can cook muskrat. (not that I have, but you never know -- my food once shared a freezer with two squirrels that were cooked by a dormmate)

Gene Weingarten: Heck, I'd eat muskrat. I love chitterlings.

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Awful Spelling/Grammar: The government lab where I work is just putting the finishing touches on a major renovation project. As part of the renovation, they replaced all of the signs on office doors, etc. This morning I noticed they relabeled the bathroom as well - it now says "Ladie's Room."

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

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Harrisburg, Pa.: I would appreciate your thoughts on the use of the "F" word in Post chats. Yesterday, Chris Buckley took a question of mine where he quite humorously made use of the "F" word. I see the particular question and answer were deleted from the final transcript (although I have a printed copy of it before it was deleted, in case you wish to see it in case there is doubt this happened). Is the "F" word appropriate in these chats, and was washingtonpost.com appropriate in deleting it from the transcript?

washingtonpost.com: It's not appropriate for these chats. The only person allowed to drop the F bomb in The Post is the Vice President.

We're working on adding that question/answer combo back to the transcript -- minus the effing word.

Gene Weingarten: Couple of years ago, my friend David Simon (The Wire; Homicide) did a chat and dropped the F Bomb a half dozen times. He swore to me afterwards that he hadn't known it was verboten, but I still suspect sabotage. It was a cataclysm -- apparently the chatmistress was asleep at her desk or something. That transcript got cleansed five seconds after he was done.

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Washington, D.C. : "I am truly, viscerally angry at 100 million people I do not know."

Well, they are smirking at you, so there's that.

Gene Weingarten: I know. And I hate them for it.

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Dave Barry and the Semi-col, ON: DAVE SIGTHING! I had some sort of public-access television station on late this morning that was showing a program on English grammar. When it came to explaining appropriate use of the semi-colon, the show cut to a "Pulitzer Prize-winning Grammar Expert" and whaddayouknow -- it's Dave Barry! He said something completely inane and then they cut to a less-humorous professor accurately explaining proper use, blah, blah, blah. I don't even think it showed his name, but I grew up in Miami reading his column and the Herald and would recognize him anywhere. I think...

Google tells me that Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize winner, but a grammar expert, really?

And what was I doing watching a public access program on grammar?

Gene Weingarten: Some of Dave's most hilarious columns were under the conceit: "Ask Mister Language Person." Lizzie girl, think you can find one or two of them?

washingtonpost.com: Ask Mr. Language Person (Apologies -- it's on a pop-up rich Geocities page.

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College, IA: Gene

Your bagel story that led off the chat again brought back a weird pet peeve that I have, and I'm wondering what you think about it.

I hate the accents of South Asian (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh) and Southeast Asian (Thailand, Malaysia, etc.) when they're trying to speak English. I have a roommate from one of these countries, and have somewhat gotten used to his voice. But when I hear someone else's voice (particularly from India), I am really bothered because of the awful rhythm, choppy tone, and the overall horrible sounds that come out of their mouth sometimes? Is this bad? Should I seek counseling? Or am I making too much of a big deal out of a small thing?

Poop.

Gene Weingarten: It is all those things.

I love Indian-accented English. It's like a song. Everyone sounds peaceloving and sweet, even if they are, like, holding you up at gunpoint.

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Sometimes, you're just a jerk: OK, everyone, stop asking Gene's "permission" to recline your airplane seat. Upright airplane seats are grossly uncomfortable, and the fault lies in the design -- bi--- to the airlines about the spacing of the seats, instead of reacting with the maturity of a 5 year old by incessant knee jabs into the back of the person in front of you.

Somebody does that to me, they're going to be wearing my on-flight drink when I "accidently" spill it on them. Let's ALL act like spoiled children.

Gene Weingarten: I apply the knees only after verbal requests have been ignored, either explicitly or implicitly. And yes, of course it is the airlines' fault, but this is the boat we are in, so to speak. We must act civilly.

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Tattoo City: Regarding tattoos, I once saw a lovely young lady on the Metro with a strange character written on the back of her neck in Chinese. I was pretty sure I knew what it meant. I wrote it down, went home, and looked it up in my dictionary. Sure enough: it was COW. She probably thought it meant tranquility or harmony.

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is absolutely spectacular.

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Liber, AL: Hey! Why are the Republicans mad at us?

Gene Weingarten: Because we keep pointing out what a spectacular disaster their boy is. But mostly because they sense we have contempt for them. They sense we think they are stupid. Which we do.

It's a problem. We have to get past this. Seriously.

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Dayton, Ohio: Truly, viscerally angry? I wasn't angry at the people who elected Nixon - I was disappointed, but not angry. I was, however, angry at Nixon!

Gene, and everyone else out there, that's what democracy means! Sometimes you're going to be on the 51 percent side, and sometimes you're going to be on the 49 percent side, and sometimes that +/-1 percent is going to be very, very significant. But don't get angry when you lose, and don't gloat when you win.

Talk about civilizing yourself and being better people....

Gene Weingarten: Well, that is sort of my point. But the difference here is that the blue staters are thinking: HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING?

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FAQ: Is it pronounced "P-the-p" or as one word, "pthep"? I know what (or who) it stands for, but is it acceptable to pronounce the abbreviation? The voices in my head want to know.

Gene Weingarten: Yes. Pthep is one syllable.

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Washington, D.C.: Re: "All of the following are grounds for divorce or trial separation"

Don't forget skulls, skeletons, and brightly colored dragons.

Gene Weingarten: No, those are not in the same league, IMHO.

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Adopting vs. Having: "What I do have a little trouble with is people who have a LOT of kids. Like, a lot. To those people, I would say: Howzabouts adopting numbers four, five, six and seven?"

Howzabouts respecting people's preferences and minding your own business?

Gene Weingarten: Nope. Sorry. Not what I do.

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New York, N.Y.: How can anyone hate Apu's voice from the Simpsons?

"Thank you, come again!"

"I was shot four times last year and, as a consequence, almost missed work."

Gene Weingarten: Exactly!

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Geni, U.S.: Gene! The right pinky (I reserve the -ie construction for the plural) is SUPPOSED to remain (mostly) unused whilst typing! If you use proper home row technique, the only thing it should do for you is hit the "shift" key. Which you could of course also use your left pinky for, if it weren't so damned busy typing all those As. But let it be known that I type over 100wpm, and my right pinky is for "shift"ing only.

washingtonpost.com: Wait -- I use my right pinky for things like: ; " ; and '.

Gene Weingarten: Chatwoman is right. My deceased mom taught typing. I KNOW what is correct.

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Chitterlings?: What's a chitterling? What does it taste like?

Gene Weingarten: Guts of a pig. It tastes exactly like guts of a pig.

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New York, NY: I've been a vegetarian since I was 12 years old (I'm 27 now). It's what I choose to do for myself, I don't preach that other people should make the same choice. But, invariably, when someone finds out that I am a vegetarian, they always ask "why." And it always seems slightly accusatory. Like, I have to defend it to them, or they are offended by just my being a vegetarian. They also often try to defend their meat-eating or say how they could be a vegetarian, but they like chicken too much (and beef and pork). No one would ever ask these questions or behave that way when confronted with someone's religion or politics, etc. So why does this seem to bother so many people?

washingtonpost.com: Good question and I'd like to respond since I was accused of "proselytizing." (I can just hear Gene sighing now). I don't ever try to push my choices on someone else in my day to day life and try very hard to not make my diet a problem for friends or family. I don't ask that special meals be cooked. I don't ask that we only go to veg-friendly restaurants. I don't distribute cards touting my cholesterol level.

But much like this poster -- I've had similar reactions from some family, friends and complete strangers. I've also had plenty of folks not respond negatively. But, for those who do, it's almost as if one's personal choice to become a vegetarian or vegan was done only to spite others. It immediately forces others into a defensive position, and I'm not sure why. It is as if we're saying "I'm not a junkie" or "I'm not a buggerer" or "I'm not a Nazi" -- the implication being, of course, that the other person is.

So, I guess my question is, why the defensiveness?

Gene Weingarten: The defensiveness is that, on some level, most meat-eaters feel a twinge of guilt, whether they know it or not. You cannot be a moral person and not feel this, somewhere. The animals we eat (above the level of fish) suffered for our blood lust.

I absolutely believe that 100 years from now, most civilized nations will not eat meat. Or biotechnology will have progressed to the point where acephalic animals are farmed -- just meat, no brains.

C'mon, Lizziegirl, tell us your cholesterol levels.

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One of the 100 Million: We're not smirking at you. Our mommas raised us better than to make fun of unfortunates.

We'd offer you a helping hand to change your ways, but you'd just grab that hand and try to stick it into a macrobiotic cow, or something.

Gene Weingarten: So, here's my question: You're thinkin: "Hey, this Bush feller -- he's a pretty durn good president." Are you?

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Washington, D.C.: Hank is here! We love hearing from Hank. Since he doesn't seem to want to do a weekly chat, is there any chance that he would guest host for you when you go on vacation or "special assignment"?

washingtonpost.com: Hank has an open invite to do live discussions...

Gene Weingarten: Ooh, that's a pretty big-league pinch-hitter. Liz, are you committing to that, next time I'm off? If Hank's game?

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Massena, N.Y.: Gene, you're arbitration is required. I love the old Loggins and Messina song "Your Mama Don't Dance." The guy next door thinks it sucks. Tell him how wrong he is, he'll believe you.

Gene Weingarten: Sucks.

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Maryland: I am glad the chat numbers are so high for you, but I sort of feel like someone who got to see a band regularyly when they played in a bar, and now they tour nationally and you can't get a ticket. It's nice to have "been there" for all the items in the FAQ, but it isn't quite the same now that you're big time and it is much harder to get a comment posted.

Gene Weingarten: It's not that hard. You just have to write more interesting posts than this one.

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Re: Project Runway: I am a guy, and watch it regularly with my wife. I tried to figure out why I liked watching. I realized that I (and I assume most guys watching) am crazy about competition -- any competition. What is better is that the show is well done (typical of Bravo) in that they build suspense (even though I couldn't care less about what they are actually doing or competing over). The last thing is that we, as men, are curious about something we have no knowledge of, so it provides some insight into the minds of our SOs.

Just why I watch.

Why do you turn away? Is it the idea, or you just don't actally like the show?

Gene Weingarten: I think this is a good explanation.

I turn away because I find fashion boring and unfathomable. And while my wife (and Dan, to a lesser extent) can actually have an opinion on whose designs are good and whose aren't, I can't. To me, it is all indistinguishable fluff and flounce and silliness. It would be like watching Amerian Idol and being unable to know whether William Hung was any good or not. The competition angle becomes irrelevant.

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Upstairs, Neighbors: Gene --I recently moved into a condo in D.C., and expect for college dorms, I have never lived in this sort of situation (people stacked on top of each other). So I am unsure of the proper way for me to request that my upstairs neighbors invest in a new bed and/or carpet; preferably without any sort of confrontation or way for them to track the communication back to me.

It's bad Gene; from the hippity-hop sound the bed makes when they are amorous, to the moaning, to the stomping across the floor (I don't think they have any carpet down) and then dropping something --I'm not quite sure what -- every day.

Any bright ideas to convince them to buy a new bed?

Gene Weingarten: You need to go to whoever lives ABOVE their apartment, and have loud, moaning, thrashing, hip-hoppity bed sex with that person.

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Time on my ha, ND: Gene, I cannot imagine the time it must have taken to complete this anagram D.C. Metro map . (This link goes to a PDF file.)

"Red Line to Harvey's Dog. Next station, Ripened Fish Thighs." I am having way too much fun with this.

Gene Weingarten: My God, this is magnificent. Who did this?

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Queens, N.Y.: As a 40-something-year-old gay man who hearts you Gene in a very non-threatening sexual way, let me give you my view. The difference between "extremely effeminate" men and "men who make little kissyface sounds at women on the street" is being effeminate is not totally learned behavior. Some aspects of it such as clothing and word choice might be, but there are effeminate boys who act that way at an early age and without any role models or imprinting from an outside source. It is who they are. I would also point out that there is also a sliding scale on this. Some men are only effeminate in small affectations and some are extremely effeminate in almost every way. It is also just who they are. At the risk of being trite, being uncomfortable with who someone is can say more about you than about them.

So yes, your comments do smack of some level of homophobia to me, regardless of your previous comments on being accepting of gays. I wouldn't expect you to make similar comments about a person being "distasteful" (a really rough word choice there Mr. W.) based on if they exhibited commonly noted racial or ethnic stereotypes.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I'm thinkin' about this. I'll report back after consulting the center of my being. But thanks. This makes some sense.

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Holocaust Hum, OR: Just in case you haven't seen this yet, Tom the Dancing Bug kindly provides some of the first entries to the Holocaust contest. I must say that as an American, and as a Jew, I am horribly... amused.

Gene Weingarten: This is brilliant.

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Hands up! Hands down!: Here's something I don't understand. If one is standing, arms hanging loosely, and then puts hands on hips with the thumb-forefinger V pointing up, this is a fairly standard pose for both sexes.

Now, rotate your hands forward 180 degrees so that the thumb-forefinger V is pointing down. I've never seen a guy standing with his hands like that, only women. Not just women of a certain age or just pregnant women, but women of all ages. What's going on?

Gene Weingarten: The floor is open to comment. I think this guy is right, and I haven't a clue.

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vegan stuff: Gene! Please make them stop.

No one cares what cavemen did. No one cares what kind of teeth we have. And this is America; no one changes their diet for health reasons.

It's a choice. What makes you feel better? Really really caring about animals, or steak, bacon, and sushi?

For me, I choose the food. Others choose to really really care about animals. It's all cool. Just don't yell at me and I won't yell at you.

So tell them to stop making their crazy arguments that have nothing to do with the real issue.

(Chatwoman can keep saying whatever she wants, though.)

washingtonpost.com: No one changes their diet for health reasons? That's just... misled. And maybe more Americans should start thinking about changing their diets for health reasons. Obesity-related disease and fatalities are set to overtake those caused by smoking. And not just in adults.

Okay, I'm done.

Gene Weingarten: My only comment is that when I see the word "misled" in print, I want to pronounce it MIZE-eld.

Also "awry," I want to pronounce AW-ree.

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Decapitash, IN: "The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr."

Did you find the quotation first and then write around it, or did you write the sentiment first and then look for a quotation to support it? ...Or, did you already know the quotation, and it was just synergy?

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Let's Keep Our Heads , ( Post Magazine, Feb. 26 )

Gene Weingarten: I searched and found it when I was looking for a way to end the column.

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Hotda, MN: Re: Strangers asking vegans "Why?"

We experience similar behavoir because of our choice (we've been married 22 years) to not have children; no reason other than neither of us wanted them, and neither of us particularly like them.

Can you imagine the reaction we get when we tell parents the truth?

Gene Weingarten: Not liking children is perceived as incredibly unAmerican.

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RE: Adopting vs, Having: "Howzabouts respecting people's preferences and minding your own business?

Gene Weingarten: Nope. Sorry. Not what I do. "

As someone is fond of saying, Noted.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Yes, Hankchats!

I have to say he is wasted in the Magazine.

Gene Weingarten: WASTED? Um, well the Post magazine is not like a free driveway flier.

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Capitol Hill: Gene, master of all that is funny: The wife and I watched "The 40-year-old Virgin" this weekend and neither of us found it remotely funny. We're not prudes and believe we're relatively enlightened, but maybe not. Did you see the movie? If so, what was your take? Agewise, we are both post-Boomers.

Gene Weingarten: I thought it mediocre. You know what was great? Transamerica. Tour de force acting job.

Okay, we're done. Thank you all. Regular updates to follow.

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UPDATED 3.1.06

Gene Weingarten: Thanks to Jim Raley for this photo of his son at a hotel in Gatlinburg, Tenn.

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Ithaca, N.Y.: I think folks are missing something pretty fundamental about the veganism argument, and why folks feel threatened by it.

I once asked a high school acquaintance, in an idle conversation, about what music he liked. His response was that he didn't like music. I was kind of taken aback and pressed him on it; he said, well, it just wasn't his cup of tea. Not his thing. Of course I respected his decision. How could I convince him he was somehow wrong, even if I wanted too? Yet at that moment I felt a lot less connected to him. Something that I took for granted that I had in common with most anyone, I realized I didn't actually have in common with him.

Food can be a transcendent experience. It can be wonderfully pleasurable. It's not just fuel. Living a vegan lifestyle is like saying that you're going to limit yourself to art that's black and white only. Or you'll only listen to music through your left ear.

When I think of all the food experiences that are the most wonderful and pleasurable when done very well (pizza, lobster, a hamburger, aged cheese, bacon), the only vegan one I could come up with was guacamole.

So while I respect an individual's choice to eat what they want, when being told by someone that they're a vegan I can't help but think that this is someone who does not share something that's pretty fundamental to my being, which is the enjoyment of food.

That can't help drive people at least a little further apart.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is an elegant explanation, but it doesn't account for the anger and hostility. Assuming we are talking about a non-evangelistic vegan, the anger and hostility comes from repressed guilt.

I need to repeat: I eat meat. I have the guilt.

The comparison with someone who doesn't "like" music is also not entirely apt, in this sense: Your friend had a hole in the center of his being, you know? Music did nothing for him. Most vegans choose not to eat meat not because they can't appreciate the tastes, but because they are willing to forfeit that taste for a greater good.

I have dined with Bruce Friedrich. He will happily eat "mock duck," a soy-based product that tastes very much like duck. He appreciates the taste of duck, he just won't kill a bird to experience it.

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Deni, Al: Gene:

Was it just me, or did the Post fail to print Tom the Dancing Bug last week. Were these Holocaust cartoons censored?

Gene Weingarten: Apparently, yes. I sort of understand, but completely disagree. That was one great strip.

washingtonpost.com: Tom the Dancing Bug (Feb. 25)

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Herndon, Va. : Meat = eating: A great sci-fi short story by Arthur C Clarke features a senate hearing where a company whose new artificial meat has driven all others out of business (no more animals are being raised for meat). It turns out, after testing, that the wonderful taste which no other company can match is the same as that of human flesh.

Gene Weingarten: Holy crap. When I tried to Google the story to get its title, I found this.

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Defensive Vegans: First of all, a lot of the flack you take is your own damn fault. Vegan is a silly word Made all the sillier by the strained pronunciation. It makes you all sound like members of a UFO cult. The fact that you feel the need to disntinguish yourself from mere "Vegetarians" also gives you a whiff of incredible priggishness that many of us find nigh irrestiable to try to puncture.

Now for the dead serious Part: Chatwoman, how seriously can we take you dietary stance when you eat a wildly abnormal diet and also suffer from a rare Neurological diorder and emphatically refuse to even consider that there is a linkage.

Please go to a doctor and have your Lysine levels checked. Low Lysine is so abnormal most doctors wouldn't even know to check for it, but is a serious problem among vegans. It could help cause the Symptoms you have. A Cholosterol deficency could also be affecting mylein sheath production causing a whole host of Nerve abnormalities.

Gene Weingarten: I'll answer this on behalf of C'woman. Her Wormylegs Squirmypants Syndrome predated her veganism.

washingtonpost.com: And the key level that would affect my legs is my iron level, which is completely normal. Thank you, cruciferous greens!

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Silver Spring, Md.: I'm surprised no one mentioned that PETA also actively seeks to stop medical research using animals, for any reason. This does not include only non-human primates and companion-type animals, but mice, rats, and non-mammalian vertebrates. I'm sure how they feel about fruit flies and nematodes, the reactions of which to unpleasant stimuli can be regarded as perception of pain, but if vegans won't eat honey, presumably they should also be included. So where does leave people who support PETA (Gene?) with respect to using the drugs and medical procedures which have been discovered or refined using animal research? Do they refuse them? Refuse them for their children?

And this is not just esoteric, is-it-really beneficial-for-us research. Drugs that come to market in the US have been screened in animals for efficacy or at least toxicity. Whether we need all these new drugs is debatable, I guess, but tell that to the cancer patient.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this is where PETA and I seriously diverge. It is also where they tend to lose a lot of otherwise sympathetic ears. Their biggest advantage -- the clarity of their vision and unwillingness to compromise -- is also their biggest handicap.

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Gene Weingarten: And lastly, this video from an e-mailer. It'll take 10 minutes, but it is worth it. You might wish not to be eating. Or working. Or contemplating your own mortality.

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UPDATED 3.2.06

Washington, D.C.: Gene, nominal Republican here. In fact, I'm just the kind of voter the Democrats should be courting. No, I do not think Bush is doing a good job. I'm also not mad at either group of people who voted in the last election. I'm mad at the political parties... seriously, for the past two presidential elections, my vote has been decided on who I like the least. This is ridiculous. I have steadfastly maintained that both parties, after the Bush/Gore debacle, should have issued a joint statement to the effect of "We're sorry... next time, we'll both try to give you a candidate you can feel good about voting for."

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I was just talking to another writer about this. We were trying to decide if the 2004 election presented the worst choice since Franklin Pierce, the incompetent drunkard, ran against Winfield Scott, the hugely fat incompetent, or when James Buchanan, the hugely incompetent coward, ran against John Fremont, the shocking incompetent fool.

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Re: non-sentient meat production: Biologists are attempting to use stem-cell research to grow muscles without actually having to grow animals. I expect that non-sentient meat production will be commercially available within a decade or so.

This is presumably more efficient and easier than producing non-cephalic animals, and provides new avenues for culinary innovation; you could have meat that combines the tastes of lamb and beef, for example.

Gene Weingarten: That's exciting. I wonder how our conservative leaders will react to that? Badly, I suspect. Knee-jerk reaction. It seems pretty humane to me.

Actually, I wonder how PETA would react to this! Bruce, are you out there?

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re: AW-ree: I can't read "coworker" without thinking "cow-orker"...

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

Couple of years ago, when I wrote that story on the Armpit of America, the cover headline read "Nowheresville."

The art director hated it. To him it seemed to read "Now Here's Ville."

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Thelma Lou, Fairfax Station, Va.: If you haven't heard by now, which is surely impossible because, duh, its newsworthiness far surpasses any of these UAE port purchase or violence in Iraq shenanigans, it's truly a sad day in Mayberry. What's your opinion of the genius that was Don Knotts? Excluding Three's Company, of course. That show blew.

Gene Weingarten: I believe I ranked Barney Fife among the top 10 sitcom characters of all time. Hang on.

Yes, here we go. Number Nine:

1. Ed Norton ("The Honeymooners"); 2. George Costanza/Larry David ("Seinfeld" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm") 3. Archie Bunker ("All In The Family"); 4. Alex P. Keaton ("Family Ties"); 5. Eddie Haskell ("Leave It to Beaver") 6. Latka Graves ("Taxi"); 7. Alice Kramden ("The Honeymooners"); 8. Kingfish Stevens ("Amos n' Andy"); 9. Barney Fife ("The Andy Griffith Show") ; 10. Lois Wilkerson ("Malcolm in the Middle"); 11. Edith Bunker ("All In The Family"); 12. Maynard G. Krebs ("The Life and Loves of Dobie Gillis"); 13. Ralph Kramden ("The Honeymooners"); 14. Cosmo Topper ("Topper"); 15. Sgt. Ernie Bilko ("The Phil Silvers Show") 16. Cliff Claven/ Norm Peterson ("Cheers"); 17. Roseanne Connor, ("Roseanne") 18. Bill Bittinger ("Buffalo Bill"); 19. Louis DiPalma ("Taxi"); 20. Frasier and Niles Crane ("Frasier"); 21. Sophia Spirelli Weinstock ("The Golden Girls"); 22. Det. Phil Fish ( "Barney Miller"); 23. Hawkeye Pierce ("M*A*S*H"); 24. Larry Sanders ("The Larry Sanders Show"); 25. Dr. Robert Hartley ("The Bob Newhart Show"); 26. Ricky Ricardo ("I Love Lucy"); 27. Thurston Howell III ("Gilligan's Island"); 28. Lucy Ricardo ("I Love Lucy"); 29. Ted Baxter ("The Mary Tyler Moore Show"); 30. Granny Clampett ("The Beverly Hillbillies").

Gene Weingarten: Sadly, Maynard G. Krebs also recently died.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, you may hate me for this but a thing that annoys me most in the world is people who think animals' lives are as important as humans'. Sorry man.

Gene Weingarten: I never said that. I don't think that. See previous post, about medical experimentation.

Here is an interesting thought experiment: Is the life of a profoundly mentally retarded human intrinsically worth more than that of a dog or a chimp with substantially greater cognitive abilities and emotional range?

Yes, I know. An icky area.

I think the question can be debated. From a religious standpoint, the answer is clear. It involves a belief that there is something sacred about the state of being human; that we have souls, that life on Earth is just part of the deal, etc. And I think from a humanistic standpoint, you would argue that this profoundly retarded person is profoundly important to at least one sentient human, ergo he is more important than the animal. Or, more broadly, that since more people would argue that the person is more important, he, perforce, IS more important.

But from a strictly logical standpoint, well, you may have a valid debate.

washingtonpost.com: Where's Marc Fisher when you need him?

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Arlington, Va.: I agree that South Asian folks speak English with an interesting melodic accent. I didn't have a professor in college who had a very heavy Indian accent and he was very hard to understand. In general I like accents. I am a gay guy, not that it matters necessarily, but I find myself incredibly attracted to cute Asian guys who have no accent at all. I know lots of guys who moved to the U.S. at very early ages so they have "American" accents or guys who are American-born with Asian parents. Why do I find them so attractive, even moreso than their Asian brothers who have accents? Is it the surprise factor?

Gene Weingarten: I think it is the fact that you are surprised, pleasantly, to discover they are not The Other, but like you. Except for their epicanthal folds, which you happen to like.

No, that is not dirty.

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Freezing, N.H.: RE: reclining airplane seats

Here's my problem: Most airplane seats are designed with a headrest that sticks out theoretically to support one's neck. Unfortunately, I am 5-feet and the part that sticks out hits the top half of my head, forcing me to lean forward at a strange and uncomfortable angle. I have to recline the seat slightly just so that I'm able to drink my complimentary beverage. My $0.02.

Love the chat!

Gene Weingarten: Okay. This is important. Several teeny women have made this same point, among them Spike, who copyedits my column and whom I therefore very very much need to remain on the good side of.

So I am amending this. If you are a small, intelligent, talented woman, you have my permission to recline. A little.

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Chevy Chase, Md.: Anyone considering getting a tattoo should google Dr. Turlinton's Tattoo Remover.

With respect to the PETANs, I had a friend who was a committed vegetarian. When rats infested her back yard, she called PETA to see if there was a humane way to get rid of them. PETA said, "You have a problem living with rats?" That was too much, even for her.

Gene Weingarten: You know, I have to say, as weird as this sounds, the rib and I don't have a gigantic problem living with rats, so long as they do not enter our house. Which they did, once. Lizzie, can you link to my column on rats? Late 2004, I believe.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, and here is the link to Turlington's Tattoo remover, which is pant-wettingly funny.

washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Oh Rats, (Post Magazine, Feb. 27, 2005)

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Marcus Welby, MD: Re: Strangers asking vegans "Why?"

You wanna hear people get defensive?

Tell them you're homeschooling your kids.

Wow, it sets off a firestorm.

As enlightened as we are, Americans sure dislike different-ness.

Gene Weingarten: YOU HOMESCHOOL YOUR KIDS?? WHAT ARE YOU, BUCKTOOTHED RUBY-RIDGE TYPE GUMMINT-HATING REDNECK HICKS?

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UPDATED 3.3.06

Re: Street names: In Ann Arbor Mich, there is a street corner of Nixon and Blewitt.

How could this not make the list?

Gene Weingarten: That's very nice!

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Heywood Jablome: Hey, I am real! Just look at the May 1, 2001 New York Post:

"If I didn't work a block away, I wouldn't go in. People who want to trade can do it from their laptop or hand-held device."

Heywood Jablome, 41, a Manhattan real estate agent, agreed. "This is a nice-looking store, but I don't see people coming in here to trade," he said. "Not the suits' who work up here. No way!"

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I remember this. Heywood Jablome turns up in a newspaper article every few years, when it gets past the copy desk. Spike would catch it.

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Alexandria, Va.: Sigh... can we get away from the vegans vs meat eaters, Reps vs Dems and get on to the most important issue of today's chat...

HOW IN THE WORLD did they choose a James Bond who can't drive a stick?? SOOO not hot. And it WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Gene Weingarten: I'm surprised no one else was horrified. I am. Horrified.

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Hands down: Um, it's cause doing that takes strain off the breasts & bra straps. Try it, Gene -- even guys can sense a difference.

Gene Weingarten: Here is a typical woman's explanation. Check the next post for a guy's take on it.

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Re: Hands on hips: The second pose juts the boobs forward more. Women do that to show off.

Either that or it supports the back a bit more, which women need because of boobs.

Gene Weingarten: See?

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Straits Shooter: Singapore is nominally a representative democracy, but there is not freedom of the press. The government not only controls the press (including the Internet) after the fact with various sedition and official secrets acts, but also engages robustly in prior restraint and censorship. I doubt the editors of the newspaper had a real choice about the apology.

Gene Weingarten: You always have a choice. Resign.

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Airline Seats: I have another strategy for dealing with the seat in front of me being tipped into my lap: I wait until the person's asleep, and then I apply a tatoo of a penis to their necks.

It's particularly fun to stick around after arrival to watch the reactions of the friends and family who greet them.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Today's Phishing Mail of the Month... of February: Gene,

The latest attempt by the evil-doers to steal my PayPal account password & money began with the following paragraph. They're so smart I nearly fell for it.

PayPal Security Measures!

We are contacting you to remind you that: on 30-31 February 2006 our Account Review Team identified some unusual activity in your account, one or more attempts to log in to your PayPal account from a foreign IP address.

Gene Weingarten: I got this too! Great, eh?

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Ave's, Wisc.: Gene -- Here is my favorite roadside sign, just over the Wisconsin-Minnesota border near the Twin Cities; they also provide veterinary services. What's even better is when they list their specials, such as "Edam $5.99/lb. Sign up now for rabies shots."

Gene Weingarten: Superior!

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Gene Weingarten: And lastly, two eloquently expressed thoughts about topics visited in this chat. The first is from Ronda Ansted of Greenbelt, the second by someone who wishes to remain anonymous, for understandable reasons.

I can't forbear complimenting Ronda on her first name, also. There is something to be said for conciseness in a name. Tom the Butcher, for example, is Tom Shroder. Note the simplicity of Shroder. Not Schroder. Not Schroeder. No umlauts. Shroder. Vry smple. Same with Ronda. I'm Ronda. You got a problem with that?

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Maybe partisanship is simply a part of the American character, since the whole vegan-meat eating debate is devolving into a Bushgood-Bushbad type of discussion. Listen, Mr. "Wildly Abnormal Diet" Man, when was the last time you ate microwave popcorn? Or white bread? Or pineapple in the dead of winter? All American diets are wildly abnormal, unless you grow your own food and kill your own meat. That is how we evolved, not eating eggs and bacon and toast and orange juice. In fact, most of our "normal" diet can trace its roots to a marketing ploy.

Whew. Now that I have THAT off my chest, a quick observation. We are a nation of choices. We CHOOSE to eat or not eat meat. And as far as health is concerned, now couldn't be a better time to be a vegan. Nutritional yeast, a tasty (if smelly) condiment, is a vegan source of B vitamins. Braggs Liquid Aminos, a soy sauce alternative, is a tasty source of Lysine (among other essential amino acids).

There is no lasting merit to any of the "natural" or "health concerns" arguments either way. Both types of diets are "unnatural," both can be healthy or unhealthy.

Bottom-line, I don't like the taste of meat, and I don't like the thought of killing animals, so I don't eat meat. Meat-eaters like the taste of meat, and killing animals doesn't bother them (at least not enough to stop). Let's accept our differences, stop trying to convince each other that we have the ONLY right way, maybe then, after much soul-searching and earnest dialogue, we can set the stage to have a real president.

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Regarding the gay man who finds non-accented Asian men particularly attractive:

I'm a straight U.S.-born Asian dude, and despite the fact that my gay friends tell me I don't possess any apparent traits that might ping one's gaydar, I get hit on by gay white men all the time. Women, not so much, which is patently unfair. Anyway, said gay friends have told me that much like white straight men often have a fetish for Asian women, so too do white gay men often have a fetish for Asian men. A lot of it is because we're less hairy and usually less beer-gutty (their words, not mine).

The reason why Arlington prefers Asians with American accents to those with Asian accents just might have something to do with his perception of Asian men in general. According to virtually any depiction in America, Asian men are either geeks, wife-abusers who kill all female infants, or nutjob kamikaze soldiers. Or William Hung. The only remotely positive Asian male archetype is the elderly gardening kung-fu master. This also might explain the patently unfair me-not-getting-hit-on-by-women, though I suppose it's possible I'm a nutjob kamikaze wife-abusing geek who kills female infants and just haven't figured it out yet. In any event, an Asian guy with an American accent loses some of his Asianosity, which subsequently may remove the other negative tinges associated with such, even though those negative tinges are a total crock.

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