Chatological Humor* (Updated 4.14.06)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

DAILY UPDATES: 4.12.06 | 4.13.06 | 4.14.06

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything...

This week's poll: Men Only | Women Only

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Something fascinating has been occupying my attention for most of last evening and much of today. It is Something That Would Be An Interesting News Event If Anyone Ever Finds Out About It, but I cannot write about it, at least not yet and possibly not ever. That is because of the complex ethics surrounding a certain type of thing about which I cannot be more specific and you could not guess, given how incredibly circumspect I am being. God, I am noble. I know you are all dying to know, and I am dying to tell you because it is, on many levels, Really Interesting. However, for the moment at least I just have to be highly obnoxious. More than usual, I mean.

Elsewhere, CNN is continuing its pandermonium on illegal immigrants. They are losing control of themselves in their frenzy. Below is a transcript of a segment from last night's "Situation Room" with Mister Wolf Blitzer, who is desperately trying to remain a responsible journalist, sandwiched as he is between Lou Dobbs and Jack Cafferty.

You guys really ought to start watching this. It's some of the best stuff on TV. Dan was over for dinner last night, and we picked this over Comedy Central. We join this transcript at the point that a bleaguered Wolfie switches to Jack, to set up that day's open-ended question to the viewers. Here's what happens next, as Wolf's jaw can be seen to physically drop:

JACK CAFFERTY, CNN ANCHOR: Yes, Wolf. Once again, the streets of our country were taken over today by people who don't belong here.

In the wake of Congress failing to pass immigration legislation last week, America's cities once again were clogged with protesters today. Taxpayers who have surrendered highways, parks, sidewalks and a lot of television news time on all these cable news networks to mobs of illegal aliens are not happy about it.

With every concession by the Bush administration, and the ever-growing demands of Mexican president Vicente Fox, America's illegal aliens are becoming ever bolder. March through our streets and demand your rights. Excuse me? You have no rights here, and that includes the right to tie up our towns and cities and block our streets. At some point this could all turn very violent as Americans become fed up with the failure of their government to address the most pressing domestic issue of our time.

Here's the question: What effect will the immigration protests have?

E-mail your thoughts to caffertyfile@CNN.com or go to CNN.com/caffertyfile -- Wolf.

(Here the camera cuts back to Wolf. He looks like a man who has just had an umbrella inserted into him, and then opened up. But he sees a way out. He can bring sanity back to this discussion. He can marshal facts!)

BLITZER: A lot of these demonstrators, you know, Jack, are legal. And many of them are citizens of the United States. They're not all illegal immigrants, the people protesting.

CAFFERTY: How do you know?

BLITZER: Because I was out on the streets. I saw.

CAFFERTY: Well, where's the immigration service? Why don't they pull the buses up and start asking these people to show their green cards? And the ones that don't have them, put them on the buses and send them home.

BLITZER: There's a -- well, that's an expensive proposition, as you know -- 12 million -- 12 million of them.

CAFFERTY: As opposed to the cost we're enduring by having 12 million of these people running around the country.

BLITZER: Jack, much more coming up. We have a debate. Lou Dobbs is standing by as well.

(So then Dobbs comes on, and by comparison seems like the calm voice of reason.)

-----

Thanks to Christine Parthemore for pointing out an egregious error I made last week, by failing to recognize THIS as the Comic Pick of the Week. Christine and I both believe this double entendre had to be deliberate, and seen as such is both very funny and shocking in its fuddy context. The convincer here is quite simply this: Does one often see beavers (the rodentia) in movies?

Please take today's poll. I will of course explain my answers midway through the chat. They might surprise you.

The Comic Pick of the Week is Sunday's Dilbert . And though it is a repeat, I shall award Sunday's Doonesbury first runner-up. It's that good. Runners-Up are Saturday's Speed Bump and Saturday's Gene Pool .

Does there exist a nerd of sufficient magnitude out there to have solved Sunday's Foxtrot ?

Okay, let's go.

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Washington, D.C.: Does your wife mind it when you make a joke like the one you did on Sunday, about lusting after Condoleezza Rice? My wife would.

Gene Weingarten: No.

My wife understands she is the wife of a columnist. She also knows what's in my heart.

Mostly, though, she knows how this game works. Case in point: In last week's column, I wrote that the only seat for which I might pay $10,000 would be "the one attached to Salma Hayek."

Now, obviously, that was just a joke. It was also, basically, a damnable lie -- nothing could be further from the truth. I don't covet Ms. Hayek's behind. The behind I covet belongs to Ms. Scartlett Johansson, who was the person in that sentence when I orginally wrote it. However, as the column was going to press, Scarlett got herself breast-groped by a TV interviewer, and this bit of lechery was in the news, and Tom the Butcher was concerned that it might seem to be commenting inappropriately on that incident, so he changed the reference to Salma Hayek, whose behind HE apparently covets.

So, things are not always what they seem. Whether Tom the Butcher's wife is like my wife and ALSO doesn't care about these things -- I'll guess he'll find out tonight, when he gets home.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene--

What's the funniest thing about this New York Post scandal? I can't decide if it's...

(a) the idea of a gossip columnist shaking down someone for protection ("That's a fabulous reputation you have! If something were to happen to it I would just die!");

or (b) people getting all outraged about the Post compromising itself. Have these people even seen a Post front page before? This is a paper that stopped respecting itself a long time ago.

Gene Weingarten: The sad thing about this fabulous scandal is the fact that much of the public probably thinks that's how we normally do business, and are not particularly surprised.

When it broke, I emailed Amy Argetsinger and Roxanne Roberts and said "Wow, you babes are missing a real opportunity to pick up some extra cash."

They hadn't heard about this yet. I bet they wondered if I was being crude.

Which reminds me: Many years ago, when my wife was a young reporter, an editor came over to her and another atractive female reporter and said "What are you girls doing in this business? You're sitting on a goldmine."

Man, have times changed. Sigh.

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SQUEEZE ME?: I never watch CNN (for obvious reasons), but Cafferty is an ANCHOR, not a commentator? How can this be? That snippet honestly frightens me down to my U.S.-born-and-bred Anglo-Saxon bones. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Gene Weingarten: He is a commentator, sort of. He is somewhere in between.

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Loose pants sink ships: Yes, Gene, it would simplify things if women's clothing was made and sized according to actual inches instead of these vague "sizes" that mean nothing. However, men's jeans have the measurements on the outside back of the pants. Outside, Gene. Can you imagine if women's clothing proudly proclaimed the occupant's exact measurements? Forget Catch Me If You Can, suddenly every woman in America would be highly skilled forgers adept at scratching those sizes off just so.

Gene Weingarten: Gee, you're right! I can't think of any way that problem could be addressed! Never mind, then!

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Astoria, N.Y.: I was glad when you brought up Lou Dobbs, I thought I was the only one. I loved his question on Monday (the day of all the immigration protests):

"Do you believe that middle-class working men and women will have to demonstrate to create sympathy and interest for their cause? "

Ninety-two percent voted yes and 8 percent voted no

This is the most ridiculous question. What is their cause? Can only WORKING, MIDDLE-CLASS persons demonstrate? I could go on, but there is absolutely no value in this question, except for amusement.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, he got 92 percent for his question again yesterday. It was something or other about illegals being scum.

Weingarten's Rule: Any poll question in which one answer gets a 92 percent response is by its nature a loaded question, unless we are talking about President Bush's disapproval rating, in which case we are talking about the righteous wrath of a disgusted electorate.

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Women's Sizing: I'm 5'7", large framed, a former athlete, and 175lbs. I have a medical condition that makes it difficult for me to lose weight; consequently I pretty much have to diet to maintain my weight. I have no clue what it is like to not be dieting, as I have been doing it since I was a child. I'm a size 12 in what I guess is vanity sizing, which is condescending as hell. Sometimes it's hard just getting out of bed in the morning, knowing I'm going to spend another day feeling the fat on my stomach and thighs and arms, constantly aware of people judging me and everything single thing I eat because of my weight.

I guess I feel bad that some women have problems finding clothes, but I don't have much sympathy. I have difficulties finding appropriate clothes that fit well and flatter too--everything these days is made for much smaller women with no body fat or shame. At least negative-number women don't go through the hell that is being overweight day in and day out.

Gene Weingarten: Understood. And I sympathize. Several women have made this point. I don't think the small women who cmplain about their troubles finding adult-style shoes or pants equate their difficulties with yours. And if they do, they're jerks.

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Washington, D.C.: I resent your wasting my time by asking me to view a video clip that's totally trash. I used to think you had some respect for us.

If you're tired of doing the Tuesday chat, please take a vacation. Or just drop the poll, which is often more of a burden than it's worth.

Gene Weingarten: Sir, medical science has made great strides in the treatment of persistent constipation and the dreaded "megacolon." I urge you to consult a practitioner at once.

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Opinions, con't.: Re: Len Downie not wanting to express a preference for a candidate. Doesn't The Post editorial page endorse political candidates? If at some point the paper itself is expressing a preference, why should Mr. Downie or any other staffer feel guilt about doing the same? Or am I missing something big?

Gene Weingarten: You are missing something big. There is a very real wall between the editorial department and the news department of the newspaper. Len has nothing whatsoever to do with the editorial stances the newspaper takes. The editorial department has nothing to do with news coverage. Fred Hiatt, the editorial page editor, does not report to Len, and Len does not report to Fred.

This distinction, which is extremely obvious to everyone at the paper but readers tend to misunderstand, is essential to the functioning of the newspaper. When a politician tells a reporter, "Why should I talk to you? Your newspaper says I am a monster," the reporter can respond, honestly, that she and her bosses have absolutely nothing to do with what the editorial pages opine, and -- more important -- that the editorial pages opinions have nothing to do with how they cover the issues.

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Buffalo Grove, Ill.: Gene, what in the Sam Hill is going on at The Post?

The Washington Post: At War With Itself , ( E&P )

Are you at liberty to discuss?

Gene Weingarten: See what I mean?

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Little Sister: There is no mysterious news event. I know this for a fact because I have three older brothers and have been mentally tortured by the best of them. No one can put one over me, no sir.

Gene Weingarten: There is. But it only becomes a news event if one of four people on Earth discloses it. And honor and ethics and little-understood protocols of behavior are involved.

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Bethesda, Md.: After the beginning of "Lost in Translation," who wouldn't want to covet Scarlett Johansson's seat? (No offense meant to Ms. Hayek)

Gene, doesn't Selma work better in the column since she is "closer" in age to you than Scarlett, who is young enough to be your daughter and the skeeviness of that might turn off some readers?

Gene Weingarten: Possibly, but no one raised that issue, as it were.

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Arlington, Va.: Is it wrong that my main interest in the clip used in this week's poll is, "How did they make the little rat boy?"?

I don't even care if he needs help.

Gene Weingarten: Me, too. My son guessed it was a midget.

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Just say, IN.: You're breaking your own rule, re: Scarlett Johansson. She's 22, two years younger than Molly, and thus un-lust-able.

Gene Weingarten: I am not breaking my own rule, but thanks for remembering. My own rule applies only to personal contact. I would not lust after Ms. Johansson in the flesh.

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Bored, Bored, Bored: My boss set up a meeting between the two of us five days before he was leaving for a new job. I was nervous because we had never met alone, and I wondered if I was being let go. He then basically propositioned me. He knows I am in a relationship, and I know he has a wife and three kids. He said that he doesn't break up with people -- aka, he won't leave his wife -- so obviously he wanted something sexual. Besides being completely grossed out by a supervisor you had no attraction to, how insulted would you be if this happened to you? I keep getting the itch to call his wife and let her know what a sleazy scumbag he is.

Gene Weingarten: Honestly, I don't have much of an opinion of this, but your use of "scumbag" reminds me of something. Liz, can we link to a story in Slate during the last week about this word, and the NYT crossword.

I grew up in an era where this was a very, very bad word.

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Moral Dilem, MA: I have a question that is vaguely related to last week's quiz, only not really, but I hope you'll answer anyway. A former-colleague of a former-colleague was recently sentenced to nine months in jail and will lose his teaching license for having sex with a 17-year-old student. This was, obviously, a huge (and, in my opinion, unforgivable) lapse in judgment but, from all accounts, very out of character. A few of his colleagues wrote letters in his defense which were read at his sentencing hearing. From what I've read these letters did not dismiss the inappropriateness of his actions but said that he was not criminal and did not belong behind bars. Now that these letters are a matter of public record, parents, board members, other teachers, etc. are outraged at the letter-writers, saying that they are "siding with a sex offender."

On the one hand, I think these teachers have a right to defend their colleague if they so choose; on the other, I think it hurts their credibility (to say the least) to be defending someone who had sex with a student. As both a former teacher and a former 16-year-old involved with a 32-year-old man, I'm not sure what I think about the letter-writers' actions. However, I seem to agree with you about most other things, so perhaps you can tell me what we think of this situation.

Gene Weingarten: As has been pointed out several times in recent weeks, I believe in loyalty to friends. So I tend to side with the letter writers, in general. Specifically, I think it depends on what these teachers wrote, and how they defended him. He did bad; if the letters suggested he did not do bad, they are opening themselves up to reasonable criticism and censure.

These cases also involve a continuum, and 17 is not as horrifying an age as, say, 14. Is one guilty of a horrible sex offense at 17-and-three-quarters, and guilty of nothing at all at 18?

To me, when we are talking about high school seniors and teachers, the issue is less one of pedophelia and more one of a terrible abuse of trust. I couldn't have a whole heck of a lot of respect for a teacher who takes that kind of advantage of a student, whether that student is 17, 18, or 20. You are using a position of authority in an unseemly and selfish and potentially hurtful way.

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Dronesville, Downtown: So what do you think about the prosecutor's recent move in the Moussaoui trial?

Personally, I'm annoyed they're going for the death penalty. The guy wants to be martyred. They're fulfilling his greatest wish. Ugh.

Gene Weingarten: Liz, can we link to the NYTimes piece today on the oped page about this? Summarizes exactly what I feel.

washingtonpost.com: Right Trial, Wrong Defendant , ( New York Times, April 11 )

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washingtonpost.com: The Dirty Word in 43 Down , ( Slate.com )

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Last Week's Poll: I don't think you have adequately considered the implications of John Green's Jew-shame comment. That fact that there is some circumstantail evidence that Albright is actually ashamed of her Jewish ancestry, explains, but doesn't justify, an ABC producer suggesting it as reason not to have Ms. Albright as a guest on his show.

Mr. Green's statement is not anti-semitic. In fact, he is taking the side of agrieved Jews whose fear seems to be that Albright's claimed ignorance of her Jewish ancestry is indicative of her being secretly anti-semitic. He may have some basis for believing this. He would be justified in discussing these concerns with his co-workers and friends. His mistake was telling a co-worker that they shouldn't have Albright on the show because of her complicated ethnic/religious identity.

The Moonie paper across town is having fun claiming that ABC's reaction proves a liberal media bias. Green merely had to apologize to Bush but got suspended for insulting Albright. They are idiots. ABC is correct that there is a qualitative difference between the two e-mails.

Gene Weingarten: You make a good point about not having her on the show -- that WAS a business decision he was making, I guess, for the wrong reasons.

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Los Angeles, Calif.: The video in the poll is obviously where W got the idea to include a ban on human-animal hybrids in the State of The Union address. And here I thought he was nutty as a Snickers.

Gene Weingarten: Very good point.

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You're Crackers!: Gene,I hate to sound like the 11th plague here, but that matzoh joke you rewrote is not nearly the funniest matzoh joke. Much funnier is:

On a beautiful New York Spring day during Passover, a Jewish man decides to go eat his lunch in Central Park. He sits on a park bench and opens his brown bag, enjoying the lovely weather. As he's preparing to eat his lunch, a blind man happens along and sits down on the other end of the same bench.

Feeling charitable, the Jewish man says hello and hands the newcomer a piece of matzoh. The blind man feels the piece of unleavened bread and says, "Who wrote this crap?"

You've probably heard this joke before. It's so much funnier and less contrived than the airplane joke. Shalom.

Gene Weingarten: That joke was my second choice, but it is not as funny as the joke I picked for the food section. And I'll tell you why. Surprise. In the other joke, you had NO idea what was coming (especially if told alone, and not in the context of matzoh jokes.) Besides, this one mines a very old vein.

Lizzie, can you find the matzoh joke I rewrote for the food section last week?

washingtonpost.com: A Matzo Quiz , ( Post, April 5 )

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Midgets are always funny:: How was that clip not funny? What's wrong with some of you people? How could that offend you? I saw that clip on TV a few years ago. It was hysterical then and now. I am always amazed by the how uptight people on this forum can be. That was FUNNNY!

Gene Weingarten: Okay, now check the next post.

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Also in Washington, D.C.: I'm with the last guy. That video is just stupid. Is this an actual PETA person? Or an actor playing the part of a sensitive, nearly-but-not-quite-effeminate PETA person we're supposed to feel superior to?

Either way, it's manipulative and stupid. I don't care. It's not funny. You probably disagree. I don't care. It's not funny.

Gene Weingarten: so.

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Opinions: Gene, if this wall between the editorial and news departments is so big and obviously important, why isn't it better known? Why doesn't The Post, and other newspapers, point this out more often?

Gene Weingarten: Seems to me we are pointing it out all the time.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Call the wife. Eff that guy. I am sure this wasn't the first time...

Gene Weingarten: I think I disagree. I think it is not her business to take that kind of dramatic step into someone's life. It was just a question.

But I'd to hear from people, particularly women.

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Megacolon: A couple years ago I took one of my cats to the emergency vet on a Friday night after she hadn't pooped since the previous weekend. She showed absolutely no sign of distress or illness -- we just thought, this can't be good.(We kept telling her, "Sweetie, if you don't poop you'll have to go to the vet." No effect.)

A young vet I had never seen before started talking about megacolon and surgery after getting the history from me. I was suspicious and alarmed but fortunately when they took her back for x-rays she was so scared she shat all over the place. Problem solved.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

You guys should look up "megacolon." It's a hoot.

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Foxtrot Decoded: Here...

Compliments of Bill P on Comics Curmudgeon.

Gene Weingarten: What the heck is that?

Gene Weingarten: Ah, good, thanks. I knew it had to be Paige, in some format.

Okay, now here is what is really scary: I didn't write "What the heck is that" Lizzie did. So she can pose as me, at will. THAT is scary.

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Brilliantedit, OR: The Slate article on "scumbag" notes that "If you didn't know the word's dubious history, you might be hard-pressed to discover it."

Gene Weingarten: Yes, a young lady pointed that out to me yesterday, and I accused her of having a dirty mind.

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Prank even worse than the one for the poll...: When I lived in Italy, a prank show played a trick on a well-known female reporter. She was in a 4-seater airplane with a pilot for a story. What she did not know was that he was a stunt pilot and the "prank" was that they had her convinced they were going to crash. He was faking a bumpy ride and then they fell into a dive. She was so terrified and positive she was about to die. At the last moment the pilot landed and the camera crew was there to catch this poor woman's reaction. It was 15 years ago and it still makes my blood boil. What a cruel, unfunny thing to do to someone.

Gene Weingarten: WOW! I would file a lawsuit.

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Washington, D.C.: Man, Chris Bliss, is everywhere! He was on GMA this morning and there's also a feature on him in today's Post. I only wish that GMA had also had that guy who did the response video with five balls -- they could have had a juggle-off, which would have been awesome...

washingtonpost.com: A Stand-Up Guy Happily Juggles His Passions , ( Post, April 11 )

Gene Weingarten: I know. I sort wish our story had dealt with some of the professional jealousy, too.

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Your juggler can think, too: "The country these days is like a couple in a bad marriage. Everyone is either shouting at one another or sulking. And when a marriage goes sour, you've got to return to your vows. And the Bill of Rights are this country's vows."

Gene Weingarten: You know, that is REALLY good.

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Anonymous: You should have included a question asking folks if they know the meaning of disingenuousness. Meaning is shifting.

USAGE NOTE: The meaning of disingenuous has been shifting about lately, as if people are unsure of its proper meaning. Generally, it means "insincere" and often seems to be a synonym of cynical or calculating. Not surprisingly, the word is used often in political contexts, as in It is both insensitive and disingenuous for the White House to describe its aid package and the proposal to eliminate the federal payment as "tough love." This use of the word is accepted by 94 percent of the Usage Panel. Most Panelists also accept the extended meaning relating to less reproachable behavior. Fully 88 percent accept disingenuous with the meaning "playfully insincere, faux-naZ" as in the example "I don't have a clue about late Beethoven!" he said. The remark seemed disingenuous, coming from one of the world's foremost concert pianists. Sometimes disingenuous is used as a synonym for naive, as if the dis- prefix functioned as an intensive (as it does in certain words like disannul) rather than as a negative element. This usage does not find much admiration among Panelists, however. Seventy-five percent do not accept it in the phrase a disingenuous tourist who falls prey to stereotypical con artists.

Gene Weingarten: Most of this is fine. Using disingenuous as a synonym for naive (the last case)is like using infer as a synonym for imply. It's just wrong. If one is disingenuous, one is making a self-serving statement one obviously knows is wrong and manipulative. George W. Bush, just yesterday, saying he declassified the WMD bullhockey "so the truth would get out," and not "so I would have a political weapon against my enemies." Disingenuous.

Gene Weingarten: Or, more to the point, the producers of a "gotcha" TV show saying they chose their victim because he was a member of PETA. More on this later.

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re-resent: I resent that person wasting our time by writing in to tell us they resent you wasting his time.

Gene Weingarten: I resent your wasting our time with this post.

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Fairfax, Va.: I applaud you for finding humor in the words of Cafferty and Dobbs. I can clearly see why you think it's funny, to you and me it sounds so ridiculous that we think they must be joking. Unfortunately, I think there are several people out there who agree with C&D.

It was amusing yesterday, however, to see THOUSANDS of pro-immigrant marchers, and about five anti.

Gene Weingarten: You know, in the last week Dobbs has begun to take some major hits for his rants -- not just from me. Things may be turning around.

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Propositioned: I wouldn't really call his wife because I would not want to hurt his children. I just wish he didn't get to skip merrily on his way to his next job. He is an egotistical jack-ss.

Gene Weingarten: So is any proposition by a married man an act primarily of egotism? I am just asking here.

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Washington, D.C.: I spotted you at Viridian and at "Fat Pig". (You look like Gene Shalit, I'm sure you've heard that before). I didn't see you laugh very much (at the show). I thought it was underwhelming, especially after the glowing reviews the play got. What did you think?

Gene Weingarten: Underwhelming. I expected much better. I thought it was a combination of a weak script (the thing ended so inartfully that no one applauded, because no one realized it was the end) and an uninspired performance by the lead actret. You and I seem to be the only people who share this opinion.

The woman playing Jeannie was terrific. Also, it was a terrific role.

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Proposition, AL: Tell her! I can't imagine this going on behind my own back and not knowing it (presumably she doesn't know about...if she does, then there's an even larger problem) and especially subjecting my children to this. Chances are this happens a lot, and especially when he thinks he can't get caught. Aren't women supposed to stick together?

Married 20-something female

Gene Weingarten: Wow. I am getting several posts like this.

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Call HR, then call the wife: They guy deserves to get his severance yanked and a bad recommendation on any calls. Just cause you've been accepted to college doesn't mean you can flunk your senior finals, hmm?

Gene Weingarten: Jeeeez.

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Bagel bottoms: No, I'm not asking about a new form of VPL.

Gene, why do bagels have tops and bottoms? I though bagels were boiled, so I don't understand why one side is flat, hence less soft and chewy.

Where's the torus?

Gene Weingarten: Duuh, because they dry out on a flat surface?

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Tenleytown, Washington, D.C.: Gene: One of the best columnists in town is Jake Stein, Esq., who pens a column in the monthly Washington Lawyer magazine. Thought you might be amused by this excerpt from his April 2006 on the demise of the liveried chauffeur.

"A few years ago a story involving limousine drivers made the rounds in New York City. A law firm ran up a substantial unpaid account with its limousine service. Conventional efforts to collect payment were unsuccessful, so the owner of the service decided to pursue unconventional methods. He interviewed his drivers, and he learned from them a number of interesting things overheard by the drivers. He learned that the lawyers believed the law firm would not survive another year. He also learned things concerning the lawyers' clients, the lawyers' girlfriends, the lawyers' candid comments about judges and other lawyers. The owner took this information to his contact at the law firm. The bill was paid. The law firm did, in fact, go under, leaving numerous other creditors unpaid."

I think that is a terrific piece of prose. Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, you do good work, Jake.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

The gender split is interesting. By significant percentages, women seem to be less amused by this thing than men are, for perhaps predictable reasons. It seemed cruel and dishonest, and women were more bothered by that.

I'm with the girls, here.

When I first saw this, I thought it was pretty funny. When I re-watched it, I found it not very funny at all, and that's a very good clue that there is a real problem with this clip. Something truly funny often seems even funnier on second telling. So I began to ask myself why, and the reason begins and ends with the dishonesty of the producers.

They make a big deal about how they never expected to find anyone dumb enough to fall for this thing, so they went and found a PETA activist. Uh huh. Right.

That's because they couldn't say the truth: They found a comically histrionic, extremely effeminate gay man to scare the crap of and make him act in a freakish, cartoonish way.

This scenario would have scared ANYONE. Would have scared me, after seeing human embryos in jars, if this this hopped out of a cupboard. I wouldn't have reacted in quite so laughable a fashion, which was the point. You know what? My video wouldn't have been funny at all. They needed that guy. And they could have killed him with fear.

(By the way, there is also the question of whether this was staged. I am not convinced it wasn't.)

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Lech boss: Nah, don't call his wife. First of all, unless he explicitly said, "If you agree, I will have sexual relations with you right now," he's gonna claim you "misunderstood" him. You're right, of course, but he probably didn't say that.

Second of all, you have no idea what his home life is like. Maybe she knows. Maybe they have an arrangement. Maybe he's soliciting you for a three-way with her. Maybe this was just a moment of weakness, and he never actually intended to go through with it at all, even if you agreed right there and then.

If he's lying to his wife, there are other opportunities, other friends, other family members, people who are closer to her.

And finally, unless she's extremely evolved, she's likely to shoot the messenger. And you have no idea how stable she is.

He's leaving. Maybe for doing something just like this. Lord knows this won't be the last time a boss tries it.

Gene Weingarten: I agree with this completely. And the fact that he was leaving makes it less awful. He was not abusing an employer-employee relationship.

And no, I am not an apologist for cheating.

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At war with itself?: No kidding!

How can a newspaper run an article that presents certain facts on the same day that it runs an editorial that presents certain facts when those facts are fundamentally contradictory?

What happened Sunday was really crappy to its readers. I don't have a political agenda. I merely expect the Post to carry out its internal disagreements at its kitchen table, not in its pages.

And, if it's not too much to ask, I'd also like to be able to believe, with a reasonably critical eye, what I read in your estimable paper. Unfortunately, Sunday will make me hesitate from now on to believe anything I read on the editorial page AND the front page.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I haven't heard a defense from the editorial page editors. I am wondering if they KNEW what was coming out on page one. The should have, but I am wondering if they did.

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Re: Last Week's Poll: Why did so many Jews assume that Albright was uncomfortable with the truth of her ancestry? Maybe it's because I'm not Jewish, but I assumed she was shocked at finding out that her father had deceived her for decades.

Gene Weingarten: That's very possible. But I can tell you that when it was "disclosed" that she is Jewish, a lot of Jews laugher. Like, duuuh. She looks EXACTLY like our grandmas.

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RE: Bored, bored, bored: I wasn't there and didn't see the guy slobbering all over the girl, etc., but when he said, "I don't break up with people," could he have been referring to his relationship with the employee? Maybe he wanted to stay in touch and mentor her or something?

OK, I admit that I am incredibly naive and didn't realize my grad school professor (married) was coming on to me (married) until 10 years after the fact. But, still...

Gene Weingarten: I believe women know a proposition when they hear one.

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Paul Sim, ON: Gene, I got the impression you're not familiar with Simon and Garfunkel's "A Simple Desultory Phillipic," from your response to the lyrics. I'm surprised, and you should rectify that: it's a pretty terrific parody of "Subterranean Homesick Blues," and one of the few instances I can think of that suggests that Simon has a functioning sense of humor.

I particularly like the end: he's blowing an exaggeratedly bad harp solo, that ends with a thunk and a mumbled "I lost my harmonica, Albert..." (Backstory: Bobbo's manager was Albert Grossman, a dude who looked just like Ben Franklin.)

Gene Weingarten: This comparison is on the Web. I don't see it. First of all, the two songs were released almost contemporaneously. But there doesn't seem to be parallel structure or anything. Elucidate.

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Bagel = boil, then bake.: Nuff said.

Gene Weingarten: Right.

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Falls Church, Va.: Gene, did you read the Little Dogs Chat from yesterday? Can I address these people? Assume it is not OK to take your dog into a store unless you know otherwise. And training your pet dog to walk alongside your motorized chair does not make her a service dog you can take anywhere you please. She needs to do a specific task for you, like pick up dropped items. I'm not sure any of those readers read your chat, Gene, but I feel better now. Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Good, then.

Hey, have you ever been to Paris? Frenchies take their dogs EVERYWHERE.

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The Dredge Report: Friday's poster was blown away that "Grammar Ninja" Pthep was able to "drudge [an answer] out of [her] mind in mere seconds." I am sure some of my fellow pedants wrote in to give the poster some sh-, I mean grief, about this obvious misuse of "drudge" to mean "dredge." But at least one dictionary gives "drudge" as a regional variant (indigenous to the Chesapeake Bay area, no less) of "dredge." So for all the other blue-haired grammarian wannabes out there who wrote in to point this out, not so fast!

Drudge definition

Gene Weingarten: Wow! None other than Pthep herself comment to me on this misusage, which she saw as an interesting Freudian slip in a posting discussing the role of the beleaguered, underappreciated copy editor.

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Propositioned: I'm a guy, so perhaps that explains why an anonymous letter to the guy's wife won't do the trick? What am I missing?

Gene Weingarten: I don't believe in anonymous letters. Sleazy. Crappy. Cowardly. Boo.

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Video Sucks: Here's why: It operates on terror. On your fear, and not in a humorous way. It scares and scares, and then they say "just kidding." That's not funny.

Gene Weingarten: I think the TV reporter in the plane is the logical extension of this.

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Arlington, Va.: The harassee should tell HR, which keeps her on the high road and protects her rights. She should not tell the harasser's wife, because this drags her down into personal infighting. The harasser might even be able to use that action to turn the tables -- telling his wife and the company that HE was the victim, and that the "other woman" dragged his family into it only after he'd scorned her. Don't take that risk.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, although HR ain't going to take any action against a guy who is heading out the door.

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Arlington, Va.: Dear Gene: I have read your book, "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life," and found it to be amusing and/or cruelly apt, depending upon the topic. But, I have a burning question, so to speak, either for you or Pat the Perfect:

Is the correct term for the disorder "hypochondria" or "hypochondriasis"? I always thought it was the latter. What is the difference?

Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Hypochondriasis is the term that doctors favor, because it sounds more technical and lets you know they are doctors. They'll also diagnose a nosebleed as "epistaxis," and sweating a lot is "diaphoresis." I got a million of 'em.

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Foggy Bottom, Washington D.C.: Gene, I want to know your take on wet t-shirt contests and flashing.

My girlfriend and I were talking about this a few days ago and she confessed that while she was in college she took part in a wet t-shirt contest. I never expected that she would take part in something like this. She is a very well educated person who seems to have a lot of common sense. She says she just did it. She doesn't really know why but she just followed her friends. She didn't want to speak any more about this so I decided to ask you and the chatpeople what they think. I don't really get this. Even while in college I didn't understand why girls did this. What are you thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: That is such a bush league question. As it were. How can you ask that question without addressing the far more stunning issue of: Who are the tens of thousands of normal, decent looking young women who seem delighted to pose nude, and even in flagrante, on websites? This makes your girlfriend seem like Sister Mary Elizabeth, no?

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Southern Maryland: Tom Toles' cartoon on Monday has me confused. Is he saying that Tiktaalik proves that Genesis can't be read literally, which is what I believe? Or is Toles saying that Judeo-Christian doctrine is right and evolution is wrong?

washingtonpost.com: Toles , ( April 10 )

Gene Weingarten: This is a rather brilliant cartoon. He is, I believe, employing the same arguments that some fundamentalists use to explain why dinosaurs were contemporaries of man, but didn't survive: The didn't fit on the ark.

This is a comment on the silliness of doctrinaire fundamentalism.

There is also a suggestion that Noah is protecting the non-Darwinian religious view, making sure there was no evidence of evolution that would survive. Hence, the little goings-on in the right corner.

An excellent cartoon.

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Rockville, Md.: Thank you for the references to megacolon, just as I am eating my lunch. The size 12 woman should use this chat as a diet aid. It certainly works for me.

Gene Weingarten: You're welcome!

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Proposition 4/11: Is every proposition from a married man egotistical? Yes -- when the proposition comes without any prior flirtation or expression of interest or attraction, and assumes that the working relationship was the only thing keeping the woman from shagging the boss on his desk.

Gene Weingarten: Well, just to be devil's advocate here, what if he loved this woman and wanted her for years, but took no action because he knew it would be -- additionally -- unethical given the fact he was her boss?

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Canines: I used to live in France and my dentist always had his dog in the office with him.

Gene Weingarten: I saw a garbageman who worked with his dog, in Paris. What a great gig for a dog, eh?

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The guy in the video: Comes off looking like a hero. The "Are you all right little man?" was pretty much the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I think I would have kicked its ratty little brains in.

Gene Weingarten: I don't know about a hero, but I don't really wind up thinking he is a jerk, at all.

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Crofton, Md.: What reaction should Vice President Cheney expect in a few minutes at the Nationals' home opener? I'd like to think I would have the guts to boo, but I respect the game too much.

Gene Weingarten: Yes. No booing, because that would reflect badly on the game of baseball.

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Vermont and L: Gene, wayyy back in the intro to your chat, was your use of the term "pandermonium" intentional or just a typo?

Gene Weingarten: It was intentional. A frenzy of pandering to the knuckleheads.

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Anonymous: okay, what was this article all about? was she trying to shed light on class differences, cultural differences... how did this get in the post?

Seeking a Dress, but Finding a Thread That Connects Us

Gene Weingarten: It got in The Post because it's interesting. I like when we use that criterion.

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Pendantic, AL: Your comment that "Rhymes with Orange" means something impossible brought to mind the question why. As in why such a common English word is so weird. My trusty American Heritage Dictionary has a long discussion of how orange became an English word, tracing it from Dravidian to Sanskrit narangah to Persian narang to Arabic naranj to Old Italian arancio to Old French orenge to Middle English where it is first recorded in 1380. This also fits the weird fact I saw in a rock museum years ago that in the Middle Ages there was no color orange, the closest color was called jacinth, which is a dull yellowish-orange gemstone. So colors have not been fixed over time.

Gene Weingarten: I suspect you mean that there was no color orange in the EUROPEAN middle ages. Columbus brought the orange to the west, as I recall.

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Minneapolis, Minn.: Has anyone else noticed that the Lewis Libby drama is being covered on NPR by a reporter named Libby Lewis? Clearly it's the story she was born to cover.

Gene Weingarten: Few people remember that one of the main CBS reporters covering Watergate was David Nixonisguilty.

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Greenbelt, Md.: I almost always read The Post online, but bought the paper version this Sunday. I must say, I found it absolutely hilarious that there was an ad for tummy tucks on the opposite page. Was this a coincidence, or a message to the naked 10 percent of telecommuters?

Gene Weingarten: I burst out laughing. Next to the column linked to below was an ad for a doctor specializing in elective surgery to repair fat bellies. The "before" art was about as disgusting as anything you are going to see in print.

washingtonpost.com: Barely Working , ( Post Magazine, April 9 )

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Arlington, Va.: I was in Houston this past weekend for the Nats series and on Sunday saw the article below in the Houston Chronicle. It addresses the paper's decision to replace "Mallard Fillmore" with "Prickly City."

It's amazing how different the political leanings are between D.C. and Houston where up here "Prickly City" can be considered a right-leaning comic and down there it is considered a liberal comic: Readers Feeling Prickly About No Mallard Fillmore .

You couldn't pay me enough to be a comics editor. It's impossible to please everyone.

Gene Weingarten: Honestly, this is fabulous. I also love the readers who complain that the paper dared to kill "Mallard Fillmore" while retaining... Doonesbury.

A newspaper needs to address its comics fearlessly, and permit reader complaints to roll off their backs like water off a Mallard Fillmore. Readers will ALWAYS write in, in great thundering numbers, in support of the familiar.

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Snob,BY: Gene, we all know you're a complete snob when it comes to manual/automatic, but what about grills? This time of year makes me wonder, are you a weenie if you use propane v. charcoal? Electric? Just trying to figure out if my husband is a weenie. Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: Your husband is a weenie. Trust me.

I use propane. Am vaguely embarrassed by this, but I do. I just don't have the time for charcoal.

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Washington, D.C.: Is there any use for the word "figment" that's not followed by "of the imagination"? Just wondering.

Gene Weingarten: I really like this question. I can't think of one. It's like U always following Q, except in Arabic, and we don't want to give aid and comfort to terrorists here.

Pthep?

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Falls Church, Va.: The term "that sucks" is acceptable these days, but I remember when it had a vulgar meaning (what is now known as a Lewinski)

Gene Weingarten: See, I am not sure that "sucks" ever had the connotation that "scumbag" did. Scumbag brought to mind a very very graphic image. Sucks was always a word without a strong antecedent -- it really came from "That sucks eggs," which you will find, I believe, in Mark Twain.

Yes, really.

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Brooklyn Bridge : I disagree with your assessment of the video. I think it is funny because it is DEFINITELY staged by everyone in it. Perhaps the only person not involved in the prank is the ratboy, I don't know.

And what makes it funny is that it's not at his expense, but at the expense of all the oversensitive people who think this is horrible and cruel. It's like those funniest home videos that are clearly set up. And the telltale sign is the line "Do you need help, little man." Oh, come on. This isn't even remotely believable. You all been had.

Gene Weingarten: I'd like to know the truth of this. Can you truth squadders find out?

I lean 60 percent to it being real.

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Crappy.: Anyone who Googled "megacolon" didn't take as much away from it as the people who image searched it. I'm just sayin'.

Gene Weingarten: And now I'm reportin'.

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Ft. Greene, Brooklyn, N.Y.: Regarding Eric's illustration on Sunday:

No nipples?

washingtonpost.com: Barely Working , ( Post Magazine, April 9 )

Gene Weingarten: He was just being a responsible journalist. I have no nipples.

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Virginia: Finally! Finally! I got here first and saw the poll results when there was only one male vote! I know the answers! I know the answers!

I have no life.

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, but I didn't take the poll. That was some random guy's answers.

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Stratford, U.K.: Which is the funniest barnyard animal? I contend it's sheep while my girlfriend says it is the cow. Who is right? Or are we both wrong?

My reasons for sheep is when they are together as a group they are a riot and Baaaaaaa is a rather funny sound. Plus tiny little sheep will try and attack you. It is really comical to watch. My girlfriend thinks cows are funnier because of the four stomach thing and the sound they make while eating grass.

Gene Weingarten: Goats. Because they have a sense of humor. They will butt you and laugh.

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Foxtrot: They are all prime numbers.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, no they are not.

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So what's a scum... bucket?: When I was in middle school or high school, I was home watching "Melrose Place" with my parents and I called Michael (one of the soap's villians) a scumbag. My parents froze. They then questioned me about if I KNEW what that word MEANT. I had no idea, but was embarrassed when I looked it up later. Knowing now that it's a generational thing I feel much better. Also, now being in my late 20s we can swear all we want in front of them and it's fine.

Gene Weingarten: I think scumbucket actually doesn't mean anything.

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Washington, D.C.: I have a personal anecdote that I think parallels the PETA/fake plane crash storyline pretty well: A few weeks ago, I got a call late on a Saturday night from someone who introduced herself as a detective with the Kansas City Police Department who was trying to identify a homicide victim, and she told me that they had found my contact information on the victim's body. She went on to describe one of my best friends, who lives in Kansas City, and told me that the victim's cell phone records indicated that I had spoken with her recently, a few days ago, which was indeed the last time I'd spoken with the friend. I was completely hyperventilating, thinking that my friend was not only dead, but murdered, and disfigured to the extent that they were using her cell phone records to identify her. Then, I heard laughter on the other end, and it was the friend I thought was dead, laughing hysterically that I'd "bought it." It had been her idea to call.

I had absolutely no way to know this was a joke, which is what makes it cruel, not funny, and all the worse because it was a good friend of mine. It's only a good joke if the person is given the opportunity to recognize that it is a joke and somehow misses it, and anytime there is a feeling of actual terror involved, it's just not funny.

(mid-20s, female)

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

You know, I applaud the impulse to shock, but these things are way outta line. Who was the artist who told his daughter that her boyfriend was killed, just so he could sketch a face in real grief?

Bad.

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Candid Camera: Can we take a moment to praise the old Candid Camera TV show that, unlike the poll clip, managed to show humor by contriving situations that gently brought people's essential humanity to the surface?

Gene Weingarten: One of the best shows ever, approximately 40 years ahead of its time. With the most awkward host ever to host a show. Alan Funt made Ed Sullivan seem as smooth as ice.

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Figment?: What about, "There was not a figment of truth in the president's explanation?"

Gene Weingarten: I do not believe that is correct usage. A figment is not real.

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Super Secret News: I have a guess, even though you probably won't post it.

It has to do with the Post buyouts, and some big names are leaving. Including Boswell...the best baseball writer of his generation.

Right?

Gene Weingarten: No. This is essentially unguessable. I didn't give you enough info.

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Delmar, Tex.: Let's drive Rhymes with Orange crazy. Let's come up with words like "blorange", and have it used often in these discussions so that eventually the word becomes part of our language and the comic strip's name loses its meaning.

Gene Weingarten: It would happen, the way dictionaries work. Okay, what does "blorange" mean? We can start it right here. Best definition wins. And we will launch the word next week.

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Re: Flirty Boss: Married woman in late 20s, here. I say, let the guy off the hook. The fact that the proposition, as icky as it sounds, came days before he was to leave the company indicates that he had deliberately waited so as not to put professional pressure on his employee. It sounds to me like he's probably unhappy and for him to be propositioning employees, his marriage is most likely already on the rocks. The simple fact that his advances were rejected was probably punishment enough.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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PETA: Since the head guy is a friend of yours, can you tell me how PETA is pronounced? I've never heard it in conversation so have to idea.

Gene Weingarten: PEE-tah.

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Re: boss propositioning: Forget telling his wife -- tell his new job. The idea that he considers this appropriate in the workplace once he's a short-timer says a lot about his, er, value as an employee.

Gene Weingarten: Man, you guys are VINDICTIVE.

He just asked a question, no? No inappropriate job pressure.

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Arlington, Va.: The prank victim's reaction on being told that he's on "Scare Tactics" gives it away as staged. There's no flash of anger, no confusion, and no moment of "what the heck is 'Scare Tactics'?"

Also, his reaction on opening the cabinet was too extreme. He's an animal activist -- he loves and respects them. Rats, for instance, would not be not hideous to him. The fact that there's a weird ugly animal in there should have startled him, but not repelled him so thoroughly.

For that matter, why was he opening the cabinet? The whole "job"aspect of the video was way too contrived for it to be real to him.

Gene Weingarten: I think if this were staged, it would have been much better. Someone out there must know.

This WAS a show. I think we have to assume it is real.

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Barn Yard: I totally agree with you Gene. Goats are so funny. They are kinda like puppies - how they jump on people and constantly untie your shoelaces.

Gene Weingarten: People who have goats will confirm that they laugh. All their humor is physical, and it cracks them up.

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Figment of your redundancy: Figment = something made up.

What else could a figment be OF, if not your imagination? You can't exactly have a "figment of your factual knowledge", can you?

Gene Weingarten: But can't the word appear alone? I've never seen it alone.

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Blorange?: No thanks -- I've always thought "Door Hinge" worked well enough for me. It's already a dumb title for a comic as far as I'm concerned.

Gene Weingarten: That is because you mispronounce it OAR-indge, whereas those of us from the northeast know it is ARE-indge.

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Blorange: The sound a baby makes when throwing up strained carrots all over your nice outfit.

Gene Weingarten: No, this needs to be a real word. It can be funny, but something that will be used time and again. Like a person who gets a sex change, then becomes gay. That's something that needs a word, for example.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, thank you all. I'll be updating, and returning next week.

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New York, N.Y.: I think I can find out if ratboy was staged by all particpants, but not before the session is over. Next week.

Gene Weingarten: We're all counting on you.

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UPDATED 4.12.06

Gene Weingarten: We begin today's update with this video from Brian Silverio, proving, conclusively, that goats are the funniest animal. I challenge anyone not to laugh at this. Well, those people with some vaso-vagal nerve disorder, causing them to, say, puke instead of laugh, may fail to giggle. No one else.

--------

Second, we have the following, submitted by a reader named Robin, who says she is young, hot, and frequently hit on by men she wishes she were not being hit on by. (Note to pthep: Yes, the previous sentence ended in TWO prepositions. * See annotation below. )

From Robin:

I've thought about what is an unobnoxious way a man might ask out someone who may not be interested in him. I've come up with a few simple rules.

1. Do not corner her. Make sure she has unfettered access to the door. If she uses it without answering you, she has, in fact, answered you.

2. Do not touch her. If she is a stranger, it can feel like assault, or actually be assault, even if you didn't mean it that way. If she is someone you already know, allow her to make the choice to change the relationship without the distraction of physical contact.

3. Do not ask her out when she is busy doing something else, such as working or walking rapidly down the street. This may be your only opportunity, but, oh well, she is probably not in a receptive mood anyway.

4. Do not ask her for anything sexually explicit.

5. Ask questions that she will be able to clearly answer, such as "Would you like to go out to dinner with me?" Do not ask her for personal information she may not be ready to give you yet, such as, "What is your name?" or "Where do you live?" If you are talking to a stranger and want to know her name, you may introduce yourself. If she does not volunteer her name, it is not because she has not figured out that that is what you want. It is because she doesn't want to tell you. Accept this.

6. Take no for an answer. She meant it. No, really. But the more times she has to say it, the more she will mean it.

7. If you buy her a drink (or anything else) the only thing she owes you is to turn you down politely.

What it basically boils down to is, shockingly, don't make her feel ambushed or unsafe and don't be an arse.

The main thing the boss guy from the chat did wrong, as I see it (leaving aside questions of infidelity, which are really between they guy and his wife), was to not be clear when he asked to talk to her that it was about a personal matter. It's crappy to make her think that she might be getting fired when he just wanted to hit on her.

--------

Thanks, Robin. In the future I shall comport myself accordingly.

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*This reminded me of a poem I committed to memory years ago. I found it as the solution to a NYT double crostic.

I lately lost a preposition.
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair.
Angrily, I cried "Perdition!"
"Up from out of in under there!"

Correctness is my vade mecum,
And straggling phrases I abhor.
And yet I wondered, "What should he
Come up from out of in under for?"

For years I thought this authorless, but Google informs me it is Morris Bishop.

--------------

And lastly, on the subject of verbiage and the fact that a reader pointed out that "figment" never appears with any words other than "of the imagination." Pthep informs me that since figment MEANS a little bit of imagination, the term "figment of the imagination" is a redundancy, though one permitted by most copyeditors.

And reader Nancy Hall provided this excellent link to a set of words linguist Elliott Moreton named "stormy petrels." These are words that only occur in a particular phrase. Yes, "figment," linked forever to "of the imagination" is one of them.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, wait! One more! This just in from my friend Jeremy Fisher, who is a med student at Emory:

"A man spoke to our class today. He has a JD and a MD. His name is Matthew Lawyer.

"Yes. Dr. Lawyer, doctor and lawyer."

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UPDATED 4.13.06

Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Are these true?

1. In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

2. As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

3. In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the _expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."

4. Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression "losing face."

5. Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman . as in "straight laced". . . wore a tightly tied lace.

6. Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "Ace of Spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

7. Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

8. At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's."

9. One more: bet you didn't know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

Gene Weingarten: Well, I haven't googled this, because I am taking it as a quiz. I would guess none is correct. If any of them are, 5 and 8 are the most likely. But probably none. Not that they are entirely without interest.

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Takoma Park, Md.:

Eating an orange
Whilst making love
Leads to bizarre enj-
Oyment thereof.

From Douglas Hofstadter. It's lame, but it rhymes.

Gene Weingarten: Aw, not so lame. It's sweet.

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Washington, D.C.: Do you suppose Jack Cafferty ever dines out at restaurants?

If so, do you think it would be a good idea if he refrains from doing so for a while -- or at least brings a food-taster with him?

Gene Weingarten: Good point. A food taster probably will not detect the presence of ureic acid.

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On Bush Voters: Gener,

I would like to help you refine your anger. You have said that you are angry at everyone who voted for Bush. Yet, on both sides of the political spectrum there are people who vote solely based on party; I am willing to forgive their ignorance because they offset each other. The real culprits here are the ones who voted for W but now say they disapprove of his performance. His performance has been remarkably consistent; had they opened their eyes before the election we could have got him out.

Gene Weingarten: Well, this is actually my point. How can you have voted for Bush in 2004 and now be surprised at how things have gone? There is some self-delusion in that stance.

I can tell you -- based on e-mails -- that these folks will say, "By 2004 I was not voting for Bush, but against Kerry. I knew what Bush was, I just feared Kerry would be worse."

I accept the explanation as true. But very, very wrong.

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blorange: n. An unrymable word. See 'Orange'.

Gene Weingarten: I like this.

I believe I am going to visit the orange conundrum not in the chat next week, but in an upcoming column.

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Gene Weingarten: We are in receipt of an emergency addendum from the lovely and frequently hit-on Robin, who instructed men yesterday in the proper decorum for onhitting. Here are her rules for being hit on. Robin is good at this; should Hax ever retire, we may have a candidate for the job.

If we expect men to behave respectfully, it only follows that we should respond in kind. Not only is it more ethical, it's also more effective. So, my rules for rejection:

1. Be honest. If you want to reject him, just reject him. Respect him enough to believe he can handle it. Do not give him a fake phone number or "forget" to call him back. It's just cruel. The rejection hot line is much funnier in theory than practice.

2. Be clear. I know that it is drilled into our heads not to say directly anything that's not very nice, but men seldom (read, pretty much never) understand hints. They mostly do understand, "No, thank you." And if they don't understand that, something subtler is definitely not going to work.

3. Do not belittle him. Men are stuck in the role of having to do the asking. While some men enjoy this, many do not. There is no need to be cruel just because a guy is doing his awkward mating dance. Feel free to laugh at him, just not where he has to hear it.

4. Do not assume that any attempt a man makes to talk to you is hitting on you. Sometimes men actually do want other things. You can go too far with this rule, but the assumption that men and women can't be friends can be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

In addition: You don't actually have to wait for guys to ask you out. Although some men love "the chase," most guys don't have to deal with being hit on excessively and so will react with something ranging from flattery to enthusiasm. If you try it a few times, you might end up being a little more sympathetic.

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Gene Weingarten: Happy Passover to Ms. Madeleine Albright. And thanks to Scot Gallego for this link.

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UPDATED 4.14.06

re: "scumbag": You are only a year older than I, yet I had no idea what the original meaning of that word was. I guess it was that I grew up in upstate New York instead of downstate. My husband says I shouldn't use the word "dork" because it has some terrible Yiddish meaning and I say it's OK because now it just means a nerd or goofy loser. Kind of like this scumbag thing. My husband can't seem to tell me what the meaning is, though.

Gene Weingarten: He thinks it meant "penis," but he is confused. The Yiddish word that meant "penis" is "[EDITED]," which still offends some. I believe I am not allowed to use this word in the print edition of The Post. I have always thought that silly; it has taken a completely different vernacular meaning.

I'll probably get yelled at for posting this.

washingtonpost.com: The edited word, which we will also not use here on washingtonpost.com, is defined here.

See, no yelling. Just censorship.

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I'm bulemic: And I love your chat.

Gene Weingarten: People like you make me want to throw up.

washingtonpost.com: I'd wager you're more likely to get yelled at for this.

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Proposition: My wife was propositioned at work by a peer but never told me. In a marriage, is this an abuse of trust? Just to add another wrinkle to the propositioning query.

Gene Weingarten: No. You do not own your wife. She is not obliged to share with you every detail of her life.

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Orange: Wife pronounces orange "arnge" ... and my daughter is starting to pick it up. Aigh.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, oddly, I have received several inquiries from people wanting to know if I considered "orange" a one syllable word.

No.

By the way, Tom the Butcher pronounces "mirror" as a one syllable word. "Meer." The man is an animal.

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How Young is Too Young?: So Gene, what exactly is the number? Say, if I'm 32, can I look at the 18-year-olds, Jimmy Carter style? Or is that skeevy? I'm not interested in actual contact, just a looky-loo. I'm not a man, by the way.

Gene Weingarten: I have written that in general, a man will not lust after a women who is less than five years older than his oldest daughter. My daughter is 24. This allows me, theoretically, to be turned on by a woman 29 and up. And I find that that is basically true.

We fathers of girls are not deceased, we are simply oddly restrained by a Darwinian governor. I can look at a 23-year-old woman and realize she is a hottie. But I would not find myself personally attracted to her.

This does not apply to pictures. I am talking about the person in the flesh. I have yet to find a man who is a father of a young adult daughter who contends I am wrong.

Of course, I think all bets are off at a certain age. I suspect when i am 70 and my daughter is 40, I might be able to look at a 36-year-old woman with something resembling lust. I hope.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I just re-read this more carefully, and realize that:

1. You are a woman; and,

2. You are seeking permission only to look.

Looking is fine. Looking in the flesh, at a passing stranger, say, is the same as looking at a picture. It is at the point one sits down with this person that one is (or should become) aware of the fact that one is talking to a child.

I cannot speak for women on this matter. I presume that the same Darwinian governor kicks in for the simple reason that offspring from mother-son would be as genetically flawed as offspring from father-daughter. But I don't know. I seem to recall that Gina once confessed to not being COMPLETELY immune to the charms of an 18-year-old manboy. (Not a SPECIFIC 18-year-old. Just in general.)

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Two of your Favorites: My husband was in the San Francisco airport bathroom on Thursday, using a stall. He had brought in his carry on and laptop. Somehow, unbeknownst to him, his watchband got snagged on one of his bags. As he was concluding his activity in said stall, with his hand reaching behind his back, the watch fell off into the toilet. Before he could even contemplate the dilemma of "should I reach in?", it auto-flushed! So he lost a watch that he'd had for 25 years.

Question: Am I a bad wife for giggling when he told me and thinking that this story is perfect for your chat?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, you are a bad wife. But a good chat citizen.

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