Post Magazine: Saving Andre

Imprisonment, addiction, overdose, scandal: It is all there in writer Wil Haygood 's cursed lineage. But so is the love that could keep an innocent boy from sharing that fate.

Haywood , whose story about the father-like aspirations and concerns he has for his nephew Andre appeared in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine is online Monday, June 12, at Noon ET , to field questions and comments.

Wil Haygood is a staff writer for The Post's Style section.

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Wil Haygood: Hello, this is Wil Haygood and I am looking forward to this chat.

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Oxon Hill, Md: The story about Andre and the rest of your family was like reading about my own family. I, too, have found myself in your position, attempting to stop a roller-coaster of self- destruction. If there is a solution out there I would like to know it.Your story is beautifully written and I am certain it will touch other readers as it has me. I will think of your family whenever I am praying for mine.

Wil Haygood: I don't think there is a magical answer. I've learned from trial and error. I've been taken advantage of by family members, but that is an emotional thing that many of us go through when trying to save someone. Family counseling also helped me.

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Bethesda, Md: Wil,

Thank you for sharing your noble story with the world. You are to be commended for trying to do the right thing for Andre. Have you been able to convince Fashun to send Andre to private school since you wrote the article?

Good luck and God bless.

Wil Haygood: I think Fashun is still mulling things. She is smart enough to ponder and think about things. When it comes to her son, I have to pray she's make smart decisions in the future.

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Vienna, Va: Thank you for the beautiful and compelling story. I also come from a family hobbled by drug addiction, and your "love and anger" theme rings sadly true.

One emotion you do not mention explicitly is loneliness. I find it a terribly lonely feeling to be one of the only members of a large family to escape drug addiction and achieve personal fulfillment and professional success. I am grateful to be where I am, but so wish I could share that satisfaction with my siblings. Do you find that to be the case, too?

Wil Haygood: Your revelation is shattering because it is so true. I get lonely often. Siblings now - wracked by drug abuse - are not the same people I grew up with. They only call when they need something; never just to chat about good weather, movies, that type of thing. I've gathered wonderful friends in my life and they've taken the place in a way of family.

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Alexandria, Va: Mr. Haygood, great article. I was struck by its parallels to the story earlier in the week of an affluent Black family trying to save their son, or I should probably say trying to keep him safe, and your struggles on behalf of Andrre. It seems obvious that, the more money you have, the easier this should be, though clearly it's no picnic regardless of your income. What advice would you give to those of limited means who are trying to fight this fight, often for several children? What should do you first? How should you allocate resources? When should an outsider step in? I know this is probably another long article, but the basics would be appreciated. Thank you and keep up the good work!

Wil Haygood: I think one has to be shrewd in responding in times of crisis, especially with fragile family members. I do know that emotional support for a kid is important. I've given my nieces and nephews my phone number. They can reach me whenever they need to. Tragically the parent will sometimes get "jealous" about outside help and one has to back off a little. But it is important, for instance, that Andre knows his Uncle Wil loves him in bunches. And he does.

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Atlanta, Ga: This was a very moving story. The love you have for your family and nephew was felt in each word. I think the experience you share is one that resonates with many readers with similar family issues. How is Andre and the rest of your family doing today?

Wil Haygood: Thank you. Andre is doing fine. I take him to the state fair every summer and that is coming up and I greatly look forward to it. Of course these are crucial days/months for him. As they are with any child his age surrounded by chaos.

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Washington, DC: Man, that was one high-falutin' personal ad!! Seriously, I liked the piece, and in combination with the front page article on the guy from Montgomery, it was a very interesting Sunday I spent with the Post. Really interesting. And then I read about Keanu Reeves in Parade - Sunday's theme was lonely men!

Wil Haygood: Yes, life is lonely sometimes! But there's enough beauty around to make one happy also.

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Colorado : Thank you for sharing this touching story.

I didn't get from the article whether or not Fashun has the same problems with drugs and alcohol as much of your family. Has she too fought addiction? I commend you for reaching out to help Andre. Even one positive role model in a child's life can make a world of difference.

Wil Haygood: I am so grateful Fashun is free of addiction. She's seen too much carnage as well. I think being around addicts leaves you with two motivations: to either mimic the addict or scurry from that lifestyle.

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Bridgewater, NJ: Hi Wil -

Andre seems to be doing much better since the surgery, has he had any recurring problems?

You never mentioned how the back and forth and family dynamics have impacted your personal relationships - can you expand on how you cope and what your partners have said?

Also I wanted to say Thank You because that is such a familiar story and one that is extremely hard to see in written form - especially when it is your own family. I applaud you and your family for allowing "us" into your world.

I also wanted to say that your therapist was right. I had a best friend who died shortly after we had an in depth conversation about family issues and how to proceed with our lives so as to not be pained by the things that we could not change or do anything about. He said to me - "simply move on" and live your best life. You can't save everyone but you can create a path that will save at least one, show another that the doors can be opened and keep many more standing - even if they continue to stand in one place it is better to have them standing. So far so good..the trails I have been blazed and have allowed my other family members to soar to heights that my family has never expected. It's an amazing and wonderful and a blessing.

All that to say sometimes you have to change hats and not wear them so tight. There are others who "get it" you just have to be willing to see and trust that they get it.

I wish you and your family many blessings and much love.

Wil Haygood: I'm sure I've paid a price in dealing with all the family dynamics. But I've gotten much much better. The family counselor helped. And the reason I won't let Andre go is that he deserves a chance. He is such a sweet kid and I had a grandfather who believed in me and told others I would make something of my life. Belief is a powerful antidote.

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Arlington, Va: Thank you for sharing your heart-wrenching experience with us. I am sure it will help others who are facing the same issues.

I am curious about how your family reacted to your publishing the family story or as some would say "airing dirty laundry".

Wil Haygood: I tend not to look at the "truth" as dirty laundry. It is, but it isn't. The story just came out yesterday and they'll be reading it soon I know.

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Downtown Washington, DC: You wrote a lot about your other siblings, but what about the one who doesn't "have an alligator around her neck"? What's she doing? How'd she get where she is?

Wil Haygood: That would be my oldest sister Diane. She is doing much better than the other ones and I am happy to have her helping when she can. She has been ill of late though.

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Indianapolis, Ind: I just want to AMEN to previous comments. I don't think white America (for lack of a better term) understand how hard black America is trying to solve our problems one child at a time. For the most part all I hear our assumptions about our lack of motivation and how we just aren't trying.

My own sister in law and my brother have done a monumental job working saving their grandchildren because their of their daughter's mistakes. Sure I helped too but they did the lion's share. Her house went into foreclosure because they spent so much on making sure their daughter and her children were provided for.

Two of the kids are doing great, one fell by the wayside but we remain hopeful. My neice is married, she and her husband have stable jobs and are ACTUALLY thinking of buying a home!

..thank you so much for sharing your story!

Wil Haygood: I've been told at times by various friends I try to hard, I care too much. But I think of what might have happened to me if my grandparents had not of been there for me. My mother was an alcoholic and it was often chaotic when we lived under her roof. My grandparents' home was a sanctuary.

No one can legislate caring, love; it just is there.

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Washington, DC: Thank you for such a beautifully written piece. How is Andre doing in school these days? Would Fashun consider enrolling him in a Big Brother-type program for afterschool activities? And have you ever considered moving back to OH to be closer to them all?

Wil Haygood: Andre is doing okay now. He had some problems during latter part of school year but worked them out. I talked to him about it at length. I think it has helped him just knowing I will pick up the phone quickly when Fashun tells me he needs to be talked to. He listens to me, which is a blessing.

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Washington, D.C.: You mentioned the strong influence of your grandfather in becoming who you are today. What did you get from him, do you think, that wasn't passed on to your brothers and sisters?

Wil Haygood: My grandfather was a strict disciplinarian. He didn't like loafers. You had to be productive to live free under his roof when you came of age. He didn't like slackers is what I'm trying to say. I think my siblings disappointed him when they became parents in their teenage years. He continued to offer love, but he knew it would be a struggle for them. I went away to college, which made him proud, and I didn't quit, has two of my siblings did who were enrolled in college.

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Queens, NY: I'm struck how drugs effected your family and how we here all relate to it yet society seems to lack compassion and help for drug abusers. It seems it would be in society's interest to do more in re-hab etc. As a society we all benefit when citizns life productive lifes. What I mean is our policies don't reflect that understanding.

Wil Haygood: Well, that's a good point. I do know however that my twin sister has benefitted mightily from various drug programs. She has always relasped. It boggles my mind. Sometimes just when I think she's conquered things, she goes missing, the eyes are bloodshot all over again, the music goes the route of the blues.

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Washington, D.C.: Great story! I don't mean to pry, but you mentioned in the article that you weren't planning to have a family because of your responsibilities to the rest of your kin.

But I wondered if somebody like Andre wouldn't benefit from seeing a strong male role model in a positive relationship, functioning as a good father, in addition to being a supportive uncle.

At the end, of course, this is your personal decision, but the way you phrased your promise to your grandfather, it sounds like a lot of your decision is based on your obligations to your existing family. It just seems a shame that you'd feel precluded from having a family entirely because you are responsible and mature.

Wil Haygood: No no: I DO hope to have a family. I do hope to get married - and soon. So we shall see.

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Washington, DC: Hi Wil,

Thank you so much for having the courage to write your story.

Have you all been back to Tony's cottage at Put-in-Bay?

Wil Haygood: We will go this summer. He was up there over the weekend and I know he was getting it ready for a family visit. He is a wonderful nephew and I am proud of him.

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Ann Arbor, Mich: Hi Will,

Thank you for a beautifully written and touching article. As a single, educated, hard-working African-American male with a large, 'dysfunctional' family, I can relate to everything you bravely wrote about. Just wondering if you plan to eventually publish a memoir?

Wil Haygood: Family is a mystery for all of us I guess. In college I had friends who were well off and I marveled, being from an impoverished family, that they had a car, no problem getting a pizza on Friday night. But then in time I'd hear about their woes as well. We all have roads to cross with rocks in the pathway.

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Washington, DC: Can you tell me more about family couseling and how that

works once you are all adults, on your own, living apart

from one another? There is a lot of tension, anxiety, and

dysfunction in my immediate family of five and just about

every time we get together for holidays or other

gatherings, everyone is miserable and a lot of feelings get

hurt. I've often thought counseling would help, but I

always thought of that as something for families with

children. If you or any counselors reading this could weigh

in on how common/useful family counseling is for all-

adult families, I'd love to hear about it.

Thanks.

Wil Haygood: I thought counseling would be good for me personally. When I've mentioned it to other family members they've called me strange; they've said I'm not man enough to handle things on my own. So you find yourself almost speaking a different language.

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RE: White America: "I don't think white America (for lack of a better term) understand how hard black America is trying to solve our problems one child at a time." Right, because us white people live in a beautiful and perfect world where nothing ever goes wrong and all of our children grow up with no problems.

Please.

It drives me crazy when people have to turn something like this to into a race issue.

Thank you, Wil, for sharing this story. It is much appreciated (by ALL races) and I believe speaks to many people. Too many of us, unfortunately, know the tale all too well...

Wil Haygood: My friends -white and black - commiserate with me on the phone and offer support and emotional love. In times of need, a friend is a friend, a heart is a heart.

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San Francisco, Calif: Have you considered adopting Andre for his safety? Sounds like he would be much better off living with you than with his own mother (as you were better off living with your grandparents than your own parents).

Wil Haygood: A mother, often, will go in the mouth of a lion for her child though. His mother is very protective of him being a single parent. She doesn't always make the choices I'd like her to make, and I have to be judicious in pointing things out to her for fear she'll ignore me for weeks.

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Washington, DC: Really enjoyed your article.

Was wondering: in your opinion, what was it that made the

difference for you as far as allowing you to escape the fates

of so many of your family members? (personality

characteristics, particular life experiences, other?)

Wil Haygood: I never wanted to go to jail like siblings did. I wanted to make something of my life, as my grandfather told others I would. I'd see strife in the life of all of my siblings and decided, figured, there's got to be a better way.

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Bethesda, Md: Good Wil Haygood,

I hope that you and Andre can give us an update in the comming months and years. You've opened yourself up to the world and I would welcome hearing from you, Andre, Fashun, and Tony in the future. A poster above mentioned a memoir which I have to agree is an excellent idea. Thank you for sharing your life's story.

Wil Haygood: You are welcome, and thank you.

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Washington, DC: Your story struck a chord with me. My family seems to be fragmenting not so much with alcohol/drug addiction but with the 2nd generation living out the consequences with poor decisions and a severe lack of a sense of responsibility. Your story struck a chord with me. My family seems to be fragmenting not so much with direct alcohol/drug addiction but with the 2nd generation living out the consequences of our parent¿;s problems. We seem to make poor decisions and suffer from a severe lack of a sense of responsibility. It is heart rendering when you are often seen as the ¿;villain¿; for not wanting to contribute to the problem. I pray for those who experience this problem, as a young women barely in my 30¿;s it is sad to see my siblings reliving the mistakes of our parents.

Wil Haygood: Great point. I find that my siblings repeated the EXACT mistakes of my mother and father. It sounds like a cliche, but there it is, painfully clear. I used to go home and stay with family members until it got too draining. Up close, I'd be an easy target for criticism. So I'd stay at a hotel and go visit everyone and then get back to the hotel in the evenings.

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Arlington, Va: What do you feel is "enough" attempts to try and help a family member get off drugs and/or alcohol. Do you keep trying to help someone who will not help themselves. What do feel about the "poor me" syndrome? DO you think some people continue their destructive path so that people will say "oh poor so-and-so they just cant fight their demons, we should try and help him/her"?

Wil Haygood: I do. I think longterm addicts become accustomed to people helping them. Drug counselors say people have to hit rock bottom before they, presto, wake up and see the light. I've seen my sister hit rock bottom once, twice, three times. It can go on and on.

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Arlington, Va: Mr. Haygood- What a fantatstic article, thank you for sharing such a personal, tragic and hopeful story. How do you think you (and Tony) were able to break the cycle of bad decisions that seem to affect many of your family? I'm assuming that you share the same genes as your siblings/relatives, yet you seem to have broken out of a cycle of addiction, poverty and association that most of your family have been unable to shake. We will keep you and Andre in our thoughts!

Wil Haygood: Tony and I are very close. One of the proudest moments of my life happened when we were all out with some friends at home. Someone asked Tony how he turned out so well. "I just watch the way my uncle lives his life." That's hardly to say I'm anybody's perfect soul, but it made me proud to hear it.

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Arlington, Va: I just wanted to say thank you for your story. I found it extremely moving. Was it difficult for you to write such a personal and reflexive piece? In my family, I think someone who shared such a piece would be castigated for airing personal "dirty laundry" for the sake of one's success-- from the outside perspective however I think the story was an example of how this isn't a singular story. It made me cry not because I felt sympathy but because I felt empathy. To what extent is it our personal responsibilities to protect and heal our families, and to what extent do we have no control over these things?

Wil Haygood: Ah, Shakespeare wrote volumes about the pain of family. It seems ceaseless. I know when I've tried to talk to family members openly, get a dialogue going about something painful, they often look at their watch, say, hey, I gotta run, and off they go, the door slamming behind them.

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Columbus, Ohio: Wil. Excellent article. Was there pain in writing it or was it liberating?

Wil Haygood: There was some pain, of course. Tom Shroder, the editor of the Post magazine - and the one who edited the piece - kept after me for months to write it. There was a time when I'd see him coming down the hall and swerve the other way. I didn't know if I wanted to, wordwise, go into that tunnel once I opened the idea. I had changed my mind internally more than once about writing it. He stayed on me to write it though. I'm glad he did.

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Fairfax, Va.: Really great story, and especially relevant to those of us who have had to deal with addiction in our families. My question is where do you draw the line between helping and "enabling"? For example, I'm sure there are many people who would say that giving your family money or even continuing to see them is sending them a message that they can mess up as much as they want and you will still help. But it is so hard to draw that line when they are the people you love the most, or even if you don't love them there are children who deserve better than what their parents give them.

Wil Haygood: Great question. The family counselor who I started seeing asked me to give her my Western Union card that I used to send family members money when they were in distress. She tore it up in front of my face. I somehow thought family members would no longer love me if I stopped helping. She explained to me what enabling means. Its not love when people emotionally blackmail you, she said.

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Silver Spring, Md: Thank you so much for your article. It resonated with me. I've been working with a DC high school student for the last three years who is developmentally disabled. He falls between all the social service cracks in the city. He graduated last year from high school but has the ability of a 2nd grader. I have SO much more I could say. I just wanted to share this with you because there are so many kids in need and the task seems so overwhelming sometimes. I applaude you for your efforts with your nephew!!

Wil Haygood: Bless you. And keep the faith.

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Atlanta Ga: About 10 years ago a relative, I'll call her Nancy, who'd been written off showed up at the doorstep of an Aunt. She's been clean ever since, we still don't understand what "clicked." I do recall that prior to her appearance there came apoint when we stopped giving her money because it wasn't doing any good. The only problem is she can't deal with the son she had in her drug days. Maybe he's a reminder of the past, we don't know. he lives with his grandma.

Wil Haygood: That rings true. There is a lot of pain between my niece Fashun and her mother Wonda. I see it whenever I'm in the same space with them. It is painful, but it is there. I don't think my sister has ever apologized to her daughter for her broken childhood. I know Fashun tried to heal some things when she took Andre out to California, but then the lunacy came swirling.

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Geneseo, Ill: Thank you for your article. It is very moving. Above all, your love for your family comes through in the articl. My own family has become disfunction as of late. I am wondering if you have any idea as to why this happens? Do you feel it is more environmental, genetic, or a societal problem?

Wil Haygood: I think about that as well. I think - and I hate to say this - that there is this phenomenon with families: Getting out of the bucket. When you get out, some family members become jealous. I once went home and some friends of mine - talented guys, now on streetcorner hanging out - said to me, Haygood, you've changed! I just looked at them. Indeed, I have changed. When life offers you opportunity to change for betterment, one should take it.

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Ellicott City, Md: I hope you become a father, either naturally or through adoption. You have a lot to give a child, and you seem to gain a lot from children, too.

Wil Haygood: Thank you. I think I was touched, in a deep way, by my grandparents. They moved into the basement of their home so my father and her five children could have a place to live in their house upstairs.

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Hanover, Mass.: Visting Va. area. I was absolutely enthralled with your article. Cried, smiled, it was fantastic. Oi, what a writer. Ever in the Boston area, lunch/dinner is on me. Fantastic.....Fran Ryley

Wil Haygood: Bless you for those kind words. Thank you.

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Washington, D.C.: Mr. Haygood, thank you for a wonderful and inspiring article! I have to admit that this is one of the few times that I've actually read one of the Magazine's cover stories in its entirety (which is another story).

While I can understand your regrets about not having children of your own, I firmly believe that God has a purpose for all of us. Obviously, your purpose has been found with Andre. It saddens me that as Andre gets older, he may be more influenced by the flashy guys and their trappings of "success." It also saddens me that your neice may be allowing her own fears to curtail Andre's chances of obtaining a better education in a more structured environment. I was particularly struck by some of the members of your family, who while having no problem leaning on you for support, seemed resentful that your values are different and that you want more for Andre. The encouraging thing is that Andre is such an engaging young man and is so willing to think outside the box! I have no doubt that he will succeed.

Thanks again for a wonderful article!

Wil Haygood: Thank you. Andre knows right from wrong - well, he is a kid. But he knows I will watch him, and Tony will watch him, and he knows we want him to do well. I told him once, the words just fell out of my mouth: Now I don't wantyou to disappoint your uncle at school. I won't, he said, quickly, as if he didn't want to leave any doubt he heard exactly what I had said.

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Arlington, Va: I'm getting ready to e-mail your article and discussion to friends who have spent years shouldering the lion's share of pain, troubles in the family. When did you begin to realize that you had a special place in the family, that you were, somehow, different, that family members had changed, etc? Your insight is incredible and your article captured, for me, the changing dynamics, mood, etc. of a family in crisis, of family members in crisis. I have friends who have helped out only to become disdained, or the object of scorn for the moment. The wearing the hat high thing, so true! Thank you for writing about your nephew and your family. Your article is sure to be life-changing for many of us!!

Wil Haygood: I think I realized the road I had taken angered some family members when I would echoes of their anger against me. Even when I helped, it seemed not enough. More more more became their rallying cry.

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Wil Haygood: I have to sign off now. Thank you all for participating in this discussion. I felt much empathy and concern from everyone. On behalf of myself and Andre, be well and be safe.

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