aka Tuesdays With Moron
Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
12:00 PM
* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."
DAILY UPDATES: 8.9.06 | 8.10.06 | 8.11.06
Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in The Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.
He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.
He'll chat about anything...
Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .
New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ .
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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.
My son phoned me a few minutes ago. He just got off the Metro, and was late for an appointment, but this was urgent.
"Dad, can you hear me?"
"Yeah, I can hear you."
The connection wasn't great.
"Dan, are you okay?"
"Can you hear me?"
"Yeah. Go ahead."
"Listen, I'm reading the Examiner and there is a story about the movement to resist an anti-gay marriage ballot issue in Virginia," he said.
"Okay ..."
"And the guy who is heading the movement for gay rights?"
"Yeah?"
"His name is Jim Dyke."
"Okay!"
"Okay, I gotta go!"
"Okay! Thanks."
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My column on Sunday led to many questions about what, exactly, are the idiotic but complex rules of the double dactyl. I could not go into them into the column, but will happily do so here in chatland, the province of infinite space and unlimited tolerance for tedium.
A double dactyl is two quatrains containing a single rhyme, that being the final sound of each quatrain. With the exceptions of the final, rhyming lines, the entire poem must be in paired dactyls, each dactyl being one stressed syllable followed by two unstressed. The rhyming lines must have four and only four downbeats. Line breaks can be idiosyncratic.
Thus, you get two quatrains exactly like this:
DUM-dum-dum DUM-dum-dum
DUM-dum-dum DUM-dum-dum
DUM-dum-dum DUM-dum-dum
DAH DAH DAH DAH
In addition, the first line of the poem must be gibberish, and one line and only one line in the poem must be a dactylic six-syllable word. Generally the second line is a person's name, though variations are permitted.
Got it? Very demanding, waaay more so than a limerick. Very childish. Rather exciting, when you nail one.
The most famous double dactyl is probably this one, by John Hollander:
Higgledy piggledy
Benjamin Harrison
Twenty-third president
Was, and as such,
Served between Clevelands and,
Save for this trivial
Idiosyncrasy
Didn't do much.
A few readers sent me their own efforts at double dactyls, most of which were -- and I say this with all appropriate respect -- godawful.
Not so was this one by Susan Lucas, who wrote this with her friends one night when they were kidding her about her huge hair rollers. This has been slightly edited for form:
Higgledy piggledy
Agnes Fay Hegarty
Saturdaynightly her
Hair she attends,
Superspasmodically
Willing it dry so that
She and her Brian won't
Split in the end.
(No, I don't know why Susan chose to call herself "Agnes Fay Hegarty." Perhaps she will elucidate.)
Meanwhile, reader Matt McClinch submitted this, about Sunday's column. He's wrong in his thesis, but right with his verse. Again, some small edits:
Dactyllic shmactyllic
Columnist Weingarten
Wrote a great sonnet that
Hall could not touch.
Later, berating him
Unnecessarily,
Donald refused to re-
Gard it as such.
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Please take today's poll , which has no right answers. It does have MY answers, which I will share pretty soon. They are amazingly different from your answers, which are bad. I will explain why, and then you can explain why I am a moron and/or an immoral being.
The CPOW is Sunday's Doonesbury . The first runner up is Sunday's Zits . Homorable Mentions: Today's Candorville , and Friday's Rhymes with Orange (scroll back to Aug. 4), and Garfield , which is actually nicely done.
Let's do it.
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Washington, D.C.: Hi Gene,
I'm not a regular reader (but like what I've seen) and after telling a friend a story, he told me to pass it on to you on this venue for your thoughts.
I am a scientist and a lecturer. I am a farily shy person and can NOT use the bathroom (no. 2 that is) when there are other people in the stalls next to me. This is not because I get skeeved at hearing the other people do their business, but rather because I simply can not handle some weird shame I get form being the noise producer.
I like my privacy.
Well, last year I was relocated here for a six week speaking circuit at Gallaudet university. I'm sure that you know that this university is for centered around hearing-impaired people and audiological/language studies. What you may not know is that the undergraduate program is 90% + hearing impaired people while the graduate programs are more like 20% and 80% hearing enabled. My lectures were geared toward the graduate program.
The combination of nerves and excitement preceeding my first lecture date produced a rumble in my stomach that my finely trained machine knows will call crisis if they manifest themselves before 6:30 pm when I get home. This was at 11:30am and my lecture was to start at noon.
In a moment of desperate brilliance, I found out where the undergraduate dining hall was located and sprint-walked into the doors.
What I am here to tell you Gene, is that for the first time EVER--I was able to take care of business in the middle stall in a public restroom, flanked by people doing THEIR business on either side of the partitions next to me in comfort and peace.
Knowing--or at least thinking that those on either side of me couldn't hear my goings on gave me a peace that I never thought I'd know.
My body and schedule changed. I frequented that bathroom happily for six weeks. I went as far as to tuck a newspaper into the back of my pants as I walked to the bathroom under my suit jacket. I parked there for 5-10 minutes at a tiime. It was glorious.
My problem now is that I am at a new university and my body seems to like it's new schedule. I was 15 minutes late to the first lecture at my new university because I had to make an ill-timed emergency trip back to my hotel room.
Anyway, I'll re-train myself.
Gene Weingarten: You are a weird guy, but you have me laughing.
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Disgruntled: My freak'in bra strap is cutting. I'm about ready to take then damn thing off!
Gene Weingarten: DON'T LET ME STOP YOU.
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Burke, Va.: I am stunned by the poll results. Most people would rather their adult children become estranged from them, than have those children be "born again."
And people would rather see their kids in a miserable marriage than be unambitious.
Holy $#!t. The stereotype of Washington Beltway folks as cold, career-before-all zombies is true, even when it comes to their kids.
Gene Weingarten: These are really, really interesting results. I am going to give you my answers early, because I'd like to start talking about them early.
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McLean, Va.: Poll software is going belly-up again.
washingtonpost.com: Aughh!!!!
Gene Weingarten: I may have to go postal again.
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Washington, D.C.: Hi, Gene. Last week in Hax's chat someone was asking about her rescheduling chat times and part of her response was, "Remember, too, we do these because we want to, not because we have to."
I was under the impression that you guys got paid to do these chats or at the very least, that it's part of your contract with The Post. Can you clear this up for me? Thanks.
Gene Weingarten: We get paid, but the pay is pretty negligible; I can't speak for others, but in my case it doesn't come close to cover the time I spend on it. I can't speak for others, but in my case I do it entirely because it allows me emotional proximity to Liz.
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Boston, Mass.: Gene,
Last week you commented that when someone looks like you, birth control just kind of happens. I've never seen you or your wife, but you've got me thinking... are you guys the real life Roger and Jessica Rabbit? Is your bombshell wife crazy about you because you make her laugh? Just wondering.
Gene Weingarten: Yes. And oddly enough, I have written a column on this very subject. It will be coming out in a couple of weeks.
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Bismarck, N.D.: Gene, I need your expert advice. Just to butter you up, I'm one of the doting college graduates who listened intently to you at UMD's journalism school graduation. (I was the one they paraded onstage and announced to everyone and their mother... literally... that I was moving to North Dakota.)
Well anyway, I did move. But in order to get here, I needed to purchase a new vehicle. And the one that I did is a 5-speed. Which I did not know how to drive until about halfway across the country. My problem is I only had about three days and 1,500 highway miles to learn. And while I think I did a great job learning it so quickly, I occasionally have problems going from stop to go. I either give it too much gas, or have a jerky start. I'll start out, and then it lurches, and then it starts going smoothly, or it'll kind of shudder a little bit. I know that all of the above options are bad. But how do I fix it? More gas? More clutch? I can get it every once in awhile, maybe 1 out of ever three times, but it's kind of a pain because there are several stop signs and stoplights on my drive to work.
Thanks... and by the way, if anyone is getting sick of the traffic and humidity around D.C., I highly recommend Bismarck as an escape.
Gene Weingarten: So, you are the kid who graduated with an on-air reporter's job at a Bismarck TV station, right? Congratulations. I know that wasn't easy.
What you are talking about is the only tough thing about learning to drive a stick shift: Going into first gear from a dead stop. (This is even harder when you are facing up a hill, as you have no doubt learned.)
You will get this figured out on your own in about a week, but here's some help. It is how I taught my wife and both my kids to drive, and it works: When you let out the clutch, lift your foot very slowly until you find the point where the transmission is jusssst beginning to engage. Then FREEZE your foot. Then, once frozen, let it up very slowly until you are rolling forward. At that point, let it out all the way. That's all it takes.
For the hill, it's the same thing, but harder to master. When you're ready for that, write in and I will give you some additional tips. They involve use of the hand brake, and I don't want to panic you.
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Washington, D.C.: Gene, your feelings on weddings - and the institution of marriage - are well known, so I'm staying out of that.
But, you're a parent, and I guess this sort of relates to today's poll.
What does a parent do when they have reservations about the girl their son is choosing to marry? It's not that they hate the girl, but they don't think she treats their son with much respect, and they have doubts about whether the marriage will last.
I guess you'll probably say to put on a happy face and support your son, and let him know you'll always support him. In the end, it's his life and his decisions, right? I'm heartsick over this.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, that is the right answer for several reasons. But mainly, nothing you say will change his mind -- it could have the opposite effect. What I would do is urge them not to have children for quite some time.
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Intern, Washington, D.C.: I've been here all summer, Gene, but have yet to spot you anywhere in the city. I leave next week, and I don't want to go away disappointed! Can we have a meet on?
Gene Weingarten: Er, no. See next post.
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Roch, N.Y.: Gene, I'm sorry, but I'm lost. I can't figure out what is even remotely homophonic with/to "meet-on". Throw me a bone here, please.
On another note, whenever I have a comment to submit after the chat I go to the upcoming chat webpage and submit there. After a given chat is complete (and I'm reading it because I missed it real-time) all the submit links are gone. Any tips on making this simpler or have I found the simplest way?
Gene Weingarten: It is the same homophone that delivers to us the term "meat market," to mean a bar in which singles meet and appraise one another.
On your other note, most people simply email me at weingarten(at)washpost.com. Liz, is there another way to do this? There should be, no?
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Gene Weingarten: Since we seem to be having poll problems, this may be the time. We disagree entirely.
The occupation I want my kids to embrace at least at first is one that is a reach for them; a leap of the heart; something they will pursue with a passion. I would be fine with pop singer or astronaut. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. At least they would not spend the rest of their lives regretting not having given it a shot. One can certainly be passionate about being a high school teacher; I would worry they would become jaded and or cynical after a while, so I'd probably be a little less happy if they went there. I'd be somewhat disappointed with the bank thing, but they might well be passionate about accumulating fabulous wealth, and, well, they'd at least have fabulous wealth. My biggest worries would be split between HR professional and insurance actuary. Nothing wrong with these professions, you can do well and good in both of them, but they don't seem like leaps of the soul. They seem like things one decides to become at a later and calmer and perhaps less immaturely idealistic time in your life. I await the indignant responses from HR professionals.
In question two, I think you guys are waaay offbase. "Unwise choices in romance" is a terrible flaw that could lead to a hellish life. "Lack of ambition" to me is a pretty big problem. I want my kids to be successful, because I think success brings happiness and fulfillment. Lack of ambition is not just about money. It is about life. I went with "selfishness." Nope, it's not good, but I am in my kids' corner, and selfishness is the one trait there that could actually help them get along in life. And it's something you can overcome. Bill Gates did.
In a bunch of bad choices, I go with either overweight (their health is in jeopardy, and self-esteem) or living far away. I don't want to lose my kids.
And lastly, sorry folks but I am sure of this one. DUI. It's the only one that does not involve a serious character flaw. You can deal with a drinking problem. Do you know what is involved in tax fraud or insurance fraud? You are a bad person if you commit either crime.
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Falls Church, Va.: How would you handle this....
Your kid gets an invite to a friend's birthday party on an upcoming Saturday from the newly divorced father. A week later your same kid gets an invite to the same child's birthday party for an upcoming Sunday from the newly divorced mother.
Do I go to the party that my child was invited to first? Do I go to both and ruin my entire weekend? Do I skip both in protest of the childish parents, yet punish the innocent child?
Gene Weingarten: The one you were invited to first. A perfectly reasonable response.
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Santa Fe, N.M.: I'm wondering if as a driver of a small car, you share this sentiment: I hate SUVs. But it's not because they guzzle gas or destroy the environment.
Every time I try to turn left with one across the street or turn right with one in the lane next to me, the leviathans block my sight. That's when I wish ill upon them.
And that happens a lot these days. Back when I started driving 10 years ago, maybe one vehicle in 20 was oversized. That includes SUVs, minivans, large pickup trucks, semis and construction vehicles. Now it seems like every other vehicle is oversized.
I think it's really the size of these vehicles and how frequently we small-drivers have to see around them that makes me hate them.
Gene Weingarten: I dislike big cars in general. Whenever I rent a car, I always ask for the smallest car available, and, invariably, the clerk cheerfully informs me that I am in luck because although they don't have one in the size I want, they will happily upgrade me into an aircraft carrier, for Free!!! Drives me nuts.
My second car, the one my wife drives, is technically an SUV. We bought it when we had two full-size kids and two dogs. But it is a Toyota Rav 4. If you are familiar with it, it is the smallest SUV on the road -- with a wheelbase smaller than, or the same size as, most compacts. I'm not ashamed of that car.
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Washington, D.C.: Last week you responded to Liz's suggestion to a female poster (excerpt as follows):
"After several years, he just invited me on another trip. What now?
washingtonpost.com: Bikini wax.
Gene Weingarten: NO! NO BIKINI WAX!"
I was wondering about the strength of your response. In general, do men in your age group not like a waxed bikini area? I'm younger than you but expect to be embarking on a relationship with someone older than you and want to know, having limited experience with older men. I keep groomed, but have never gone the wax route.
As can often be the case, I think we (women) believe that men really like certain things (e.g., high maintenance grooming, thongs, thinness, etc.)when in fact they either don't care or prefer something else (e.g., a more "natural" look, vpl, curves, etc.). Can you please enlighten a gal to the general consensus, or open this question up?
Thanks in advance.
Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I expounded at length about this in a previous chat. Speaking only for myself (and I believe most men over 40) we are not overly fond of the Girl Scout look. I chided women in general for giving in to what I consider an unnecessary and unnerving fashion trend, because they thought men liked it. But I have to backtrack on this because I heard from a very funny and intelligent young woman who explained in great and passionate detail why this sort of complete grooming is better for the woman. So I dunno. I don't like it.
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Whatever happened with the limerick contest?: Hey, Gene -- a few weeks ago, some girl wrote in requesting that you team up with her (by which she apparently meant "have Gene do the work") to win a limerick contest. You responded with a limerick that I remember was hilarious, though I don't remember what it was about. Two questions: (a) Did you-all win? (if not, there has been some sort of miscarriage of justice). And (b) do you just come up with this stuff on the spot? Or did you have to sleep on it, wash some dishes, attend to your toenails, and all the other usual writer tricks?
Gene Weingarten: Yes, it won. And I did it pretty much in real time, yes. Liz, we can't find this, can we? I didn't think so.
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Poll disagreement: A. No-one ever died from insurance fraud. DUI kills people.
B. The pop-star career path puts my kid in the path of lots of manipulators, svengalis, and other shady characters. Nobody is pushing boob jobs, sex tapes, and drugs on HR professionals.
Gene Weingarten: But I trust my kid more than that.
True nuff about DUI, but this did not postulate vehicular homicide. This person can get help.
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Allstate: I would have no problem with a child who committed insurance fraud. My experience dealing with insurance companies is that they are as devious as the devil, and go to great lengths to avoid payouts to honest policyholders.
To me, insurance fraud is little more than outscamming the scam artists.
Remember: A insurance premium is the money you pay to reimburse the insurance company for the administrative time and expense involved in denying your claims.
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
You're dishonest. Insurance fraud is insurance fraud. It is a major attempt to defraud. Same thing with tax fraud. If you just sort of skimp a little in your taxes, that ain't fraud. I know -- my father was an IRS agent. You have to really conspire to steal. Same with insurance fraud.
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Actuaries: I write for a college and career planning company, and was excited to see insurance actuary listed as a job in the poll, since I just finished researching and writing an article on that career. I know, it sounds soul-sucking, but actuaries rate their careers very highly. It's about being a mathlete and solving problems. Actuaries have the second highest rate of job satisfaction nation-wide. Who knew?
Now, if you REALLY want a soul sucking job, try finding one that lets you do something you enjoy (writing) on a subject you care very little about (college and career planning). The feeling of being so close to a dream job is worse than feeling far from it.
Gene Weingarten: Interesting point!
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Warning: Serious Question: When you post a comment from someone (not Chatwoman, I know we can trust her) that contains a link to another Web site, has anyone checked the Web site to insure that it is not downloading anything malicious to our computers, or are we just on our own?
washingtonpost.com: I check the links for content only. You're on your own re: viruses and the like. I suggest a good firewall program.
Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I have come to believe that anyone who is out here in chatland, and who doesn't have a good firewall, has a fool for a client.
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washingtonpost.com: Gene's winning limerick:
A vulgar old gent from Schenectady
Made unfortunate use of synechdoche.
When he called a young doctor
The c-word (He mocked her),
She gave him a penknife vasectomy.
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McLean, Va.: Gene, what did you think of the story in Sunday's Metro about the guys whose wives are away for the summer? Speaking as a guy who has been known to cut a few corners, even I was skeeved out. Forty-five pairs of underwear because he doesn't know how to do laundry? Six sets of sheets on the bed so he can just peel them away, one by one? Kind of gross. The other funny thing I noticed, in the photo of the guy with the laundry basket, there appears to be a black bra hanging in the laundry room. Either it's been hanging there for two months since the guy's wife left (possible, considering the guy), or perhaps he's taking time out from finding his inner guy in order to find his inner gal.
washingtonpost.com: Home Alone , ( Post, Aug. 6 )
Gene Weingarten: These guys are me. If my wife left a bra on the shower pole when she left, and if she returned six months later, it would still be there.
Have I told you all my story about the 36-DD bra? I have, right? No? One of my favorite stories. A different point, but:
Rich Leiby and I once went to Miami to give a talk to journalists about the editor-writer relationship. At one point during our talk, in a prearranged bit of theater, to illustrate a ridiculous point about how reporters and editors deal with each other, I ordered Rich to put on a bra. Which he did.
This meant we needed a huge bra, which we had purchased in Miami prior to our speech. 36-DD.
So, anyway, Rich and I returned from Miami. About two days later, in the middle of the night, I was awakened with an alarming thought. What had become of the bra? I realized, to my horror, that I had just stuffed it in my suitcase! This would be the suitcase my wife had emptied of the clothes that she then laundered.
So, I tapped my wife awake and said, "Um, sweetie, did you notice anything unusual in the laundry?" And she said, "Uh, wha... you mean the bra?"
And I said, "yeah, the bra! Don't you have a question you might like to ask?"
And she said, "No, I just assumed you had some stupid explanation," and rolled over and went back to sleep.
My point being, I am married to the least jealous woman in the world.
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Inquiring Minds: When will your new feature story be printed?
Gene Weingarten: October 1.
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Here's one for you...: What if your adult daughter comes to you and said she wants to marry the man she's been dating? She says he respects her. He's adventurous, interesting, tolerant, and tips well (that's important). They have the same ruthless sense of humor. They have admitted their darkest moments and their most embarrassing ones. They have the same priorities. He taught her to drive stick. She's been in long relationships before, so she's not a complete rookie. And she says she just knows.
But they've only been dating for five months. (Work is pushing the issue, not some desire for a legal marriage NOW, although both want a life together). Oh, and you are normally judgmental.
How do you respond?
Can you tell I'm prepping to inform my dad? Gulp.
Gene Weingarten: It will depend entirely on how your father perceives that this guy treats you. If he thinks the guy treats you well, he will not object. Five months is not THAT short a time.
I would probably urge the two of you to live together for at least 6 months before you actually married. Actually, I would urge you to just live together until you decided to have a kid, and THEN get married. But you know that.
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Luddi, TE: Gene, do you share my feeling that reading comics online, rather than with that crinkly foldable newsprint in hand, is somehow unfulfilling? But then, I like to wind my own watches...
Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I don't do it. And I do wind my watches.
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Double dactyl duet: I snorted granola when I read your column this week. (I should add, I was eating breakfast at the time.) I found that the experience -- the reading, not the snorting -- reminded me of something I read maybe 25 years ago, in the letters section of a small weekly newspaper in North Carolina. I cannot find it online now; it was way, way pre-Internet, of course. And it grieves me that I cannot credit the author, and that the one stanza I recall may be incorrect. But here goes:
Higgledy piggledy
Moral Majority
Protestant clergymen riding a wave,
Ronnie's elected and
Darwin's rejected and
Old-time religion returns from the grave.
Actually, what grieves me most is that the subject matter is still timely, in some ways.
washingtonpost.com: Below the Beltway: Nice Doggerel (Post Magazine, Aug. 6)
Gene Weingarten: The line spacing is off, and it is lacking a one-word line, but very nice. Here is a rewrite:
Higgledy piggledy
Moral Majority
Neoconservatives
Riding a wave,
Ronnie's elected and
Darwin's rejected and
Old-time religion re-
Turns from the grave.
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Bikini wax vs brazilian wax: Gene, calm down. A bikini wax is just a quick run with the hedge trimmers. A brazilian wax is the napalm/agent orange approach.
Gene Weingarten: Understood. But any suggestion of particular care and grooming is just one step away ...
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Coincidence?: Gene,
A few weeks ago, my five year old lost or misplaced a stuffed elephant that he likes to sleep with. Before going to sleep two weeks ago, he told me how much he missed his stuffed elephant. That night, after we said our prayers, I added "and Heavenly Father, could you help Liam find his stuffed elephant," thinking he would eventually come across it and give credence to his belief in the Almighty.
THE NEXT MORNING, I dropped my wife off at the airport for a business trip and took my son out for breakfast. Liam told the waiter how much he will miss his mother. The waiter came back a few minutes later and asked my son if he likes elephants. My son of course said yes, and the waiter hands him a stuffed elephant.
Gene, I'm not a particularly religious person, and only started going back to church really for the sake of my son. However, I think this incident is too coincidental to discount it. What say you?
Gene Weingarten: I think religious people tend to believe less in coincidence than nonreligious people do. I believe in coincidence. It happens so infrequently. In fact it happens with about the frequency one might expect if it were... coincidental!
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Washington, DC: You said lack of ambition would bother you because: "I think success brings happiness and fulfillment."
There is an old four-word formula for happiness: "Want what you have." In other words, the opposite of ambition.
Gene Weingarten: Interesting. I don't buy it, but interesting. I know of someone this applies to, and he is quite happy.
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washingtonpost.com: Shower "pole"??! Isn't that shower curtain "rod"? Dumba**.
Gene Weingarten: Liz is calling me a Dumba? Is that the name of some celeb?
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C'mon Gene...: You mean you couldn't/wouldn't run a load of your own laundry if your wife were absent?
Gene Weingarten: Only if absolutely necessary. I'd probably wash individual items in the sink, for days on end, if I had run out.
I carry my weight in other areas. But not housekeeping.
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Outside the Beltway: From an HR Professional, Not Indignant: Gene, you are right. And note the sublety of the answer: "government HR professional: Since there are more mindless policies and procedures in the government than the private sector, I would consider this even lower on the passion rungs. And as a widow with a small child, I do my job because it pays better than anything else I can do, but I wouldn't choose it for her.
Gene Weingarten: Thanks.
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Alexandria City, Va.: OK, Gene, my husband and I have been having a bathroom discussion that I thought you might be able to weigh in on. Is the proper way to wipe sitting down or standing up after using the bathroom? I was taught standing up, he was taught sitting down and among our friends, he seems to be winning (2 standing and 5 sitting). What do you think?
Gene Weingarten: I think a proctologist would tell you to sit for reasons Liz would not like me to enumerate.
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Harrisburg, Pa.: Parents can be too demanding. I kept bringing home women that I hope my parents would approve, but my mother found fault with all of them. Then, I got the idea: I'd find a woman just like my mother. It worked: my mother loved her. But then my father objected.
Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.
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Hygeine!: What do you think of this ? Under Frederick's previous mayor, this link was on the front of the City's Web page. Now you have to look for it. Anyhow, it seems kind of icky to me.
Gene Weingarten: Originally, the boldfaced "this" was a link to a page from the Frederick govt. website on which appeared the mug shots of men recently arrested for soliciting undercover cops for sex.
I was going to link to it, along with my comment that this is a disgusting, awful and un-American use of taxpayer money and a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Then I realized that by publicizing it in this chat I would be participating in the practice, subjecting the guys to far more unfair publicity, and shame, than they would have otherwise received.
I don't like stings in general; I think they are (in general) sleazy use of prosecutorial authority. I think they can cause people to do something they might not have done otherwise.* It's the Heisenberg principle. You affect what you are studying.
You know, good newspapers have inviolate rules about how we must behave when we are investigating something: We are not permitted to misrepresent ourselves, either as to who we are or why we are making the inquiry we are making. Why should our government be held to a lesser ethical standard?
In general, my feelings about this intensify inversely with the seriousness of the crime being investigated. I think I am less sympathetic to congressmen stung by a phony bribe attempt than I am about poor schmucks who are lured into taking a sexy, tarted-up cop up on an offer for sex.
But add to that initial dishonesty the fact that these men -- who have not yet been convicted of anything -- must endure public humiliation by having their mug shots posted on a government web site? No. Disgusting. I'd try to vote out of office any sanctimonious government official who supported that.
I hope one of these guys who is acquitted turns around and sues, personally, the public officials responsible for his humiliation.
*(I have written this before, and it engendered some spirited debate, but I bet you there are guys who would stop for an undercover cop who would not stop for a street prostitute, even if the two women are dressed the same, and ostensibly acting the same. There would be something different about the cops, who are only pretending to be slutcakes -- something more comforting to a scared guy who has never done this before. If I ever in my life decided to solicit a street prostitute, which I wouldn't ever do, but if I ever did, which, I repeat, I never would, I GUARANTEE you it will be a cop.)
----
And lastly, yes, the two guys' pictures on the site are pretty funny. Sorry, but no. This is bad. Shameful.
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Madrid: Asking a friend to go to Madrid with you when there has been no previous romantic interest is the romance equivalent of asking "Isn't brushing my teeth enough foreplay?" Only a man would answer yes.
Gene Weingarten: Maybe. I am a male, so I cannot speak for women here. But I think you are wrong. We are talking about a very specific sort of circumstance here: A couple who have known each other a long time, in a non-romantic fashion, but where there has been an undercurrent of chemistry. Passion subdued by circumstance. And maybe, you know, circumstances have just changed. Maybe one of them has just divorced. Or there is a flash of connection. A mutual realization of something.
In that case, I would argue that "hey, let's go to Madrid" might just be a rather romantic and bold thing to do, an acknowledgement by both that they are not really first daters. That's they've known something was up for quite a while.
Wouldn't a woman be just as charmed and excited by this as a man would be?
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Jammin': Liz, I loved your Uncool Cuts blog entry (and list). The comments were great, and I found myself guessing the age of every poster. What fun! My uncool songs were firmly in the mid-late 80's and (suprise, suprise) I turned 31 last week.
So, Gene what are some "uncool" songs that you love? You might have to provide a link or description for some of the obscure ones for hot "young" women who heart you.
I hope by the time of your chat on Tuesday I will have gotten "Afternoon Delight" out of my head. Thanks, Liz.
washingtonpost.com: The Uncoolest Cuts , ( washingtonpost.com, Aug. 4 )
Gene Weingarten: A more interesting question might be cool songs that you don't love. I don't love All Along the Watchtower by Jimi. I HATE All Along the Watchtower, by Jimi.
I like a lot of bad songs, but none of those in Liz's list. I was just forced to listen to "Wildfire" twice. What, she goes out in a blizzard searching for her horse, and dies, or something? What an idiot.
Probably the worst song I really like is "The Air That I Breathe," by the Hollies. Maybe that's not such a bad song, though. I like the Night Chicago Died. No, wait, wait. I like "Dust in the Wind." THERE ya go.
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Better Li,FE?: Gene:
My great grandfather came to the US at the turn of the last century, looking for a better life. He worked many years in the gold mines of Colorado and died young of mining related problems. My grandfather worked most of his life in the coal mines of Pennsylvania, and suffered from black lung, which contributed to his death. My father was a letter carrier mostly. I work two jobs and most of my disposable income goes to paying for my exorbitant D.C.-area mortgage payment.
Why am I saying this? Because I had the opportunity to go to Italy for work, and I met, for the first time, my cousins (My great grandfather's brother's family). Upon reaching their adulthood, each of the cousins of my generation received a house -- for free. Two of the houses were in the City, One was a beautiful ski chalet on 25 acres in the mountains.
It turns out that this excess of houses resulted from my side of the family leaving Italy. My cousins were very judicious in explaining to me that, when my distant relatives didn't have money for the passage, they gave their houses to the other side of the family for boat fare.
I wonder now who has the better life? The cousins with the free ski chalets, or me, at Midnight, when I am working my second job? I had to chuckle. At least my side of the family won WWII!
Gene Weingarten: This would be an interesting first chapter in a book.
I think you can write, so think about it.
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Chantilly Va: Nice. The Post hires a writer for an article on testosterone whose name just happens to be Ben Harder? ("Special to the Washington Post")
Hormones As Dope , ( Post, Aug. 8 )
I'm extending my subscription.
Gene Weingarten: A truly exceptional situational aptonym. Peter Harder would have been better, but still....
Gene Weingarten: My friend Caitlin just emailed me about this aptonym, but she actually saw a use for the "Ben." ---
"So, how was he in bed?"
"Well, you know. He's Ben Harder."
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Toled'OH: For the crime question, I chose one of the financial ones because no innocent parties are at risk of getting injured or killed.
Gene Weingarten: I understand this choice. I also believe someone with a second DUI, who has not hurt anyone, is someone about to get a lot of help.
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Baltimore, Md.: IIRC, you are not a "boob man." So I wonder what would have happend if you came home with a 36B instead of DD?
Gene Weingarten: This is a good question. It is one Gina raised. I don't have an answer, because it didn't happen.
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Chat for fun: Does Wilbon brush his teeth? I ask because the guy has NEVER showed upon time for a chat. Yet the idiots wait for him every week. Yesterday someone called him on it and he responded that he just had a root canal and he is so tough to be doing the chat, and (paraphrasing here) "if the chatter is as much of a punk as he sounds, he'd be under the covers crying fromthe immense pain" that Wilbon, the huge strong man endured to participate in the chat.
My question is this: Seems like Wilbon was intimating that his tardiness was caused by oral hygene issues, and since he hasn't showed up on time for a chat in well over a year, I am just concerned about his dental health. Can you provide any insight?
Gene Weingarten: I can't, but the bottom line is that his readers will wait for him, because he is Wilbon. My fear is that if I showed up for this chat four minutes late, I'd be alone. You'd all be with Howie.
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Re: Stick Shift Advice: I really hope that your reccomendation to use the emergency brake when starting uphill is only for new drivers. If you do this, you should be deeply ashamed. Anyone who needs to use the emergency brake to get moving on a hill shouldn't be driving stick. I've never done it, and I spent a year and a half parallel parking on a street that ran at about a thirty degree angle. Oh, and Liz, thanks for the guilty pleasures song list on the blog Friday afternoon. I've dropped $60 on iTunes as a result.
Gene Weingarten: I disagree. It is not about "needing" to use it. There are times when adroitly using it when on a steep upgrade can save your clutch. It is a very difficult maneuver to do right. You are using all four extremities.
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Home Alon, NE: One morning, I was baking something and had to run an errand. I asked my husband to listen for the oven buzzer, take out what was baking, and turn off the oven.
About 20 minutes later I get a call from my irate husband: "How do you turn this --&-- thing off?"
At that time, we had had the range for at least 7 years.
My response? "Press the button that says OFF."
Sheesh!
Gene Weingarten: But you still love him. It's amazing, isn't it? Guys are so lucky you people will actually sleep with us. We don't understand it. We really don't.
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Huggie Be, AR: Gene,
I'm a clueless, straight, married man and have female friends with whom there is a hug relationship, usually at hello and goodbye. I have noticed that some of those friends, when hugging, tend to lean forward and stick their butts out to prevent any chest contact. Others press up against me. And there is everything in between. Up to now, I've chosen to believe that there aren't any messages in their hugs other than the superficial "hello/goodbye".
So here are my questions: (possible poll?) How self-conscious are woman of their breasts when they hug someone? More specifically, are they concerned about how much "feel" the other person gets of their, ahem, appendages? Does it matter whether the hug recipient is male or female? Does closesness (family, close friend, casual acquaintance) play into the equation? How about level of romantic interest? Does the size of their own bustline matter? How about the huggee's bustline size?
As usual, thank you for addressing the important issues of the world.
Gene Weingarten: Hm. Possibly this could be a poll. Is there anything people want to get off their chests about this?
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Question 3, Answer B: Most of us who are younger than 45 have either been pressured by parents to have children, or have friends of the same age who have faced that pressure. This is especially true when we have focused much of our 20s and 30s on establishing careers. One of my friends suggested that I tell my parents, "I'll give you as many grandchildren as you're willing to support."
Where do you think the desire to have grandchildren comes from? A desire to relive one's youth through one's progeny? An impulse by one's genes to ensure their survival?
Gene Weingarten: Well, in my case it is a feeling that I would be a terrific grandpa, of a certain disreputable type. It would be the incorrigible codger type, where my daughter or daughter in law would be moved to grab the kid from me and said, "Honestly, I don't know how you can SAY these things," and as she was walking away she would be bootlegging a smile.
My old friend Barry Adler once told me, quite seriously, that the only reason he ever had children was because he wanted to be a grandpa. I get it.
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Howdy Neighbor: Was that you I saw behind the wheel of a new Mazda 3!? Did your beloved little 323 finally meet its maker? It looks very spiffy (and clean)-- how long will it take you to "break it in" and give it that lived in look?
Gene Weingarten: I have no privacy. Just none at all. I advise none of you to get a humor column.
That was Molly's car. I would never own a car that nice. I wouldn't trust myself with it.
My 323 lives.
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Holding in Your Uri, NE: One of last week's updates mentioned the possibility of bursting one's bladder, and an example from history provides some evidence that it is possible. My college astronomy class discssed the works of Tycho Brahe, who died when his bladder burst during a banquet -- excusing oneself to use the toilet was extremely bad form, and apparently Brahe chose death over dishonor, as it were. My professor correctly predicted at the time that this is the primary thing we would remember from the class -- well, that and two other facts about Brahe: He lost his nose in a fight and kept a pet dwarf (for reasons that sadly weren't recorded for posterity).
If someone thinks the story absurd -- that banquets weren't incredibly LONG, and manners strictly enforced -- texts from the time prove otherwise. Norbert Elias' book "The Civilizing Process" details the history of manners from the Middle Ages to today. It's quite amusing (for people of all ages) to read some of the advice presented by the Miss Mannerses of the 16th century: "Don't blow your nose on the tablecloth," "Don't all drink from the same mug," "Don't give the German Chancellor an impromptu backrub at a European summit," etc.
Checked out the Wikipedia article, and it says that scholars now believe Tycho may have died of mercury poisoning. (No mention of the pet dwarf either.) But the burst bladder thing sounds believeable yet funny -- heck, it's one of the only things I remember from any science class!
Gene Weingarten: The burst bladder thing is apocryphal. Just nonsense. There is a similar short story by Pushkin, I believe, about a soldier who was introduced to the Tsarina, and, upon bowing down, let flee a fart. In the story, he immediately stands, salutes, walks off into the other room, removes his pistol and blows his brains out.
Fiction only. As is the story of Brache dying of a shy bladder.
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Do you really consider laundry "housekeeping?": I understand why you wouldn't vacuum or scrub the toilet while your wife was away, but laundry requires no "ookiness," is not terribly "feminine," and gives you clean clothes much more efficiently than washing things in the sink.
I really want to understand this, Gene! Please explain!
Gene Weingarten: I can't. This is not rational.
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Exile in Goyville, U.S.A.: Is there an phrase to describe a boy raised Catholic who has always gotten hot and bothered over Jewish girls, kind of an opposite Shiska Lust? I am a victim. I have it real bad right now for Sarah Silverman.
Gene Weingarten: This is not probative. I need more evidence. EVERY guy is hot for Sarah Silverman. Even GAY guys are hot for Sarah Silverman.
See, ladies? WE like funny, too.
Gene Weingarten: Actually, this reminds me of something that makes me laugh every time I think about it. Deep down, I believe that gay men are just kidding. 'Cause I just don't get it. I want to grab a gay friend, and drag him to the movies, and FORCE HIM to stare at, like, Natalie Portman (speaking of hot Jewish women), and say, "NOTHING??? YOU GOT NOTHING?????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT????"
Haha. As I said, it makes me laugh.
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Washington, D.C.: Regarding my e-mail of several weeks back, I'm back from Latvia (sorry, I couldn't find your book), and I didn't get the opportunity to ask permission from the birthday party host to use his computer to check baseball news because he had no computer. He did, however, have an outhouse. Down by the creek. So, in light of this, how could the Nats not trade Soriano?
Gene Weingarten: My house in downtown DC, about 8 blocks from the United States Capitol, had a working outhouse in the back until 1975, or so I was told by the previous owner.
The Nats did not trade Sori because they couldn't get anything spectacular for him. It was a wise decision for a number of reasons, one of them that Sori is a guy who makes decisions from his heart. He may sign on for the long haul, simply because the team stuck with him.
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Help, Ge, NE: Hi Gene,
I met a guy online and we talked online and on the phone. He was interested in continuing to talk and wanted to go out, but I ended communication because he was obnoxious. Now I discover that he's posted a picture of me online along with some really horrible and untrue things, not the least of which being that we actually went out. Obviously, my suspicions were confirmed and he's actually a very petty jerk who can't handle rejection. Part of me says be the bigger person and ignore it because he's trying to get a rise out of me, but another part of me would like to engage in a little quid pro quo. Gene, would you handle this?
By the way, it's awesome when you find out the obnoxious guy in question has a personal ad on a Web site of, um, interesting sexual proclivities. Got to love Google...
Gene Weingarten: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE IT AOOOOOGAH AOOOOGAH IGNORE IT. BWAAPPP BWAAAAAAAAAAAP IGNORE IT IGNORE IT.
Right now, no one knows about this. No one will ever see it. He's a jerk. Let it go.
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Paris of the Piedmo, NT: Re: cheezy 70s songs on iTunes... be careful! The iTunes store has a number of "compilation albums" which contain remake versions of the song, often by the "original artist" (or enough members of the group to claim the name) but which are not actually the tracks you remember.
Listen to the samples and -- if the song is on a multiple-artist album -- check the album's page for user reviews. Many of the egregious remake albums have user reviews that will warn you.
washingtonpost.com: Good point.
Gene Weingarten: I think I almost understand this.
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Harrisburg, Pa.: Reminds me of the old joke:
At the gym locker room, I noticed a friend was wearing a bra. I asked: how long have you been wearing a bra? He answered: ever since my wife found it in my suitcase.
Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.
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Pat the Perfect, ME: Re The Big Bra: If I recall correctly from wherever Gene wrote about this episode, the bra was worn by another man during a presentation and was much larger than a 36. I'm almost certain it was in the 40s. It was an enormous bra. A woman wearing this bra would have been not just busty but large in general.
Gene Weingarten: Well, it was whatever size was needed to fit around Richard Leiby, who is a small man. You tell me, Pat.
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I have big bazong, AZ: ...and until now I have NEVER thought about what someone might be "feeling" when I hug them.
Never!
I hug!
That is, until now... So now my question is, is it possible that my platonic male friends will even slightly "miss" my hugs??
Gene Weingarten: I don't know! I don't actually regard a casual hug from a woman as an opportunity for a feel. I don't think about it. I hope I'm not alone.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.: RE Wilbon: It's true, he is ALWAYS late for his chat. It used to be scheduled for 1pm, and he was always about 15 minutes late, so they changed the time to 1:15, and he's STILL 15 minutes late.
washingtonpost.com: Next step: We move the chat to 1:30, but tell Wilbon it's still at 1:15.
Gene Weingarten: There ya go.
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Ex-boyfriend sighting update: Gene, you told me that I should convince myself that I no longer gave a crap what the ex thought of me. I was already convinced as far as my heart and thinking part of the brain were concerned, but I was afraid of what the primitive nervous system might dredge up. Also, in my mind I pictured it as a Big Deal, with eyes locking across the room and dun-dun-DUN music in the background. The reality was not quite so dramatic. As I was making my way through a crowd, I literally (correct usage of "literally" here) bumped into him. Before I knew it, there was hugging, smiling and gushing over pics of each others' children. But no blushing or palpitating or otherwise physiologically freaking out. No Big Deal. In fact, it was great fun seeing him and many other people I hadn't seen in ages. Sorry I don't have a funny story about it, but thanks for answering my question last week. It made me feel better before I went.
Gene Weingarten: This is the woman who worried she'd be given away by a blush.
Probably because I am old than you, I almost never like running into people I knew 20 years ago or more. I get depressed at how much they have aged, the poor sods.
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Banned word: My husband is a fraternity alumnus and from time to time he regresses into frat-boy mentality. When he does he has been known to use the word "trim" to describe his friend's efforts to get laid (as in "get trim"). For some reason, this description/word appalls me and I have banned the word from being used in our house.
Gene Weingarten: It's better than "sugar t--s."
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Nausea: Ok, so over the last few months I've been getting... carsick more often than usual. I describe it as "carsick" because it's a weird mesh of dull nausea and headache -- the exact same mix that I used to infrequently get from car rides. Not only am I getting them more frequently, I'm getting them when I'm not actually in the car, or even moving. I just got up and walked to the bathroom and experienced the beginning of such an episode, along with a teeny bit of dizziness. Weirdly, I often find that I have an episode in the late afternoon, though by no means exclusively so. Sometimes I also get that weird head-pounding sensation that people sometimes get when they're sick, where it feels like my blood is pounding in my head and my balance goes off.
Is something wrong, or is it just the heat/caffeine/my-own-hypochondria. I'm concerned that if I ask my doctor she'll just brush me off.
Gene Weingarten: You want to see your doctor. It's probably nothing. It could be an inner ear thing. It could be a circulatory thing. It could be a heart thing of some seriosity. See your doctor.
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Washington, D.C.: Thank you for setting the record straight on Tycho Brahe. I'm in the middle of reading a book about Brahe and Johannes Kepler, and the premise is that Kepler murdered Brahe.
Gene Weingarten: Interestingly, I also have a column coming up about Kepler!
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Gramm, AR: Can Pat weigh in? I have submitted this before - the construction "Most importantly, ..." which I think is correct is now very commonly seen as "Most important,... " It really bugs me. Oh - and you do it.
Gene Weingarten: 'Tricia?
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LOOOVE Agnes: Back when I had more time for goofing off, I used to read this on the comics.com website everyday. I had kind of forgotten about it, but am really enjoying having it in the Post now. I'm especially enjoying her Math Camp experience this week. (I will confess to going to "computer camp" many years ago when that meant learning to program in Basic, so I can relate!)
Is there a chance that we can keep this strip for good? How can we make that happen?
Gene Weingarten: I'm working on it. I recommended Agnes two years ago. It is a nicely seditious strip, and you guys really haven't seen some of its better weeks.
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Hospit, AL?: What does it mean when your fingernails all break and split? All 10. In the course of a couple days, my fingernails have broken easily and are splitting into layers.
Gene Weingarten: It means you need to see a doctor, pronto. Go.
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Washington, D.C.: Recently, my wife was attempting to buy me a watch to replace one that I had lost. As she was browsing, she asked the counter lady if she could see the one with "the black face." The counter lady, who was black, was momentarily startled, and my wife also slightly cringed as the words left her mouth. She seemed to think she said something offensive and that she should have asked to "see the one in black" or some such phrasing. I told her I didn't see anything even remotely offensive about asking to see a watch with a black face. It's not like there was a picture of Buckwheat on it. Her contention is that if someone finds something offensive, then it's offensive. Your thoughts?
Gene Weingarten: Oh, fer cryin' out loud.
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Ben Harder: Oh, I think I know him! He used to intern at USNews & World Report, if I am thinking of the same guy. Sweet kid. Very young.
Gene Weingarten: AND a hot name!
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RE: Huggie Be, AR: : I am a 5 foot 3/4 inch woman. I've been very blessed in the breast department. I'm very used to my breast and th effect thay have on people. I let others decided how close to get and adjust accordingly. Some guys hug full on. Some guys stick THEIR butts out, so they don't get to close. Women with smaller breasts hugs full on. Women blessed like me...we both stick out butts out. No discussion on this subject has ever taken place.
washingtonpost.com: Stet.
Gene Weingarten: But, Liz, your answer does not directly address your bosom size. Perhaps you would like to share.
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Pat the Perfect, ME: Richard Leiby, while not exactly Mean Joe Greene, is probably close to 50 percent heftier than your wife. Is my point.
Gene Weingarten: Understood.
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Hidden Pun?: "Gene, I'm sorry, but I'm lost. I can't figure out what is even remotely homophonic with/to "meet-on". Throw me a bone here, please."
Methinks this guy/gal knew exactly the homophone, and played a pun in the last sentence. If so, well played.
Gene Weingarten: Ah. Hm. Could go either way.
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Long Beach, Calif.: You said you never heard of a pacifier being called a paci. I have a better one. My kid Gracie used to say pacifier. But it came out like pacififier. Now she just yells at the top of her lungs when she can't find hers with the following words: fier! fier! fier! [Pronounced fire.] It's great when we are in a restaurant and she yells fire, fire, fire! She just turned two, by the way.
Gene Weingarten: Very nice.
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Perth: Are you drunk?
Gene Weingarten: Not at the moment, no. Are you?
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Re: "Deep down, I believe that gay men are just kidding.": Slightly similar confession: deep down, I believe that foreign people actually think in English, and that their use of a foreign language is really just them speaking in code.
Gene Weingarten: Yes, I have had this thought, too.
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Clueless guys home alone: My family is from Spain and my uncle is used to having my Aunt wait on him hand and foot. She had to leave town for a few days and it was like watching a helpless baby. He decided to make tea. He emptied a tea bag into a mug of water! He accidentaly brushed his teeth with a tube of stuff used for foot fungus. He screwed up the plumbing and raw sewage came shooting out of their kitchen sink. I told my Aunt that she should have just stayed away instead of coming home to his mess.
Gene Weingarten: How does one screw up the plumbing so raw sewage spews from the sink? Is there a plumber around who can tell me how to do this? Because I'd like to know. For reasons that shall remain private. Involving someone I do not like.
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Takoma, Md.: Re Wildfire: no, she doesn't go out in a blizzard; she goes out in a "killing frost." All you have to do to survive a killing frost is cover your tomato plants and leave a faucet dripping so your pipes don't freeze. Anyone dumb enough to get lost and die in one could as likely do the same at noon on a sunny day.
washingtonpost.com: I thought it was a "killer storm." That song gives me chills.
When I was 6 years old, I named my cat "Wildfire." My brothers each named theirs "Black Sabbath" and "Misty" (as in "Misty Mountain Hop.")
Gene Weingarten: And why did Wildfire knock down his stable? What was going on there. And why was she riding "with a whirlwind at her side"? Was she farting?
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Washington, D.C.: Ok Gene, now I have to ask - so if your children decide not to reproduce, how will you handle it? Will you be polite, and respect their choices? Will you pressure them?
Gene Weingarten: I would not pressure them in the least. I might have to adopt grandkids though.
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Pat the Perfect, ME:
Most books do advise using "most important," because what you usually mean is "What's most important is ..."; it's not something being DONE in an important manner, what ever that would mean.
However, I realize that this is not consistent with many other words used similarly. We certainly don't use "Fortunate" to mean "It's fortunate that ..."; we use "Fortunately."
And I do it too, but with a lower profile. just fyi.
Gene Weingarten: Noted.
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Going to your home: I'm headed to New York City for the first time. I love food. I've been told the Bronx has the best pizza ever. Where should I go?
Gene Weingarten: Anywhere in the Bronx. It's all the same. All good. All greasy. Go to any place named "Sal's." Or "Tony's."
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Breast hugging: Hmm, in my experience, full breaster women do the full hug, while smaller breasted women stick out the butt. I'm smaller, and I stick out the butt, and I surmise larger breasted women feel there's no avoiding it so mush right on it there.
Gene Weingarten: Hahaha. I like this discussion.
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Washington, D.C.: I am a woman with a, er, "petite" chest. When I do the loose hug, it's generally to minimize pelvic contact.
Gene Weingarten: AND BIG BREASTED WOMEN WOULD HAVE LESS PELVIC CONTACT! This is great. This is a poll. With a highly unusual pre-poll split!
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Herndon, Va.: Mr. W: When you have the time, please do a word-by-word analysis of "America Pie," probably the most pretentious song to make #1 and become a "classic."
Gene Weingarten: I love American Pie. I'll try to analyze it next week.
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Women who are gay: But you can understand women who are gay, right?
Gene Weingarten: Of course! I can't understand women who are NOT gay!
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Notkidd,IN: I promise you, we gay guys aren't kidding. While I might be able to look at a woman, correctly identify her as a hot chick to my straight pals, and appreciate her beauty, I'm just not interested. Unless she has a brother.
Gene Weingarten: That's what you guys SAY. To US. But you can't fool me.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.: "And why was she riding "with a whirlwind at her side"? Was she farting? "
Thanks for that - I just laughed so hard I spewed Yoplait yogurt all over my computer screen.
washingtonpost.com: Gene sure knows a lot of the lyrics for someone who has only heard this song twice.
Gene Weingarten: Sadly, I heard the song twice YESTERDAY. I was driving back from delivering Molly to Ithaca. The car CD player was busted, so I had to buy tapes from some upper New York State rest stop. Wildfire was on it. TWICE I heard it.
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McLean, Va.: Is your upcoming Oct. 1 feature the one you mentioned about Garry Trudeau? If it is, and you don't mind giving a bit of a preview, did you talk with him about the reaction of veterans/active duty military to his BD storyline?
That has to be the most incredible work I have seen not just from any cartoonist, but from just about any writer or artist. Simply amazing stuff -- and even more amazing the way he has kept it up at such high quality as BD readjusts to civilian life.
Gene Weingarten: That's basically what my story is about. Yes, a breathtaking body of work. Unprecedented.
Thanks all. A terrific chat. We're going to be exploring breasts, as it were, pretty soon.
I'll be updating as usual.
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Embarassed for D.C.: Have you already commented on Colbert's interview with Norton? My six-year-old niece could win an argument with this woman.
Gene Weingarten: You have to be kidding me. I think she did splendidly. I was impressed. It's not easy going up against Colbert, and I thought she held her own.
Lizzie, can we link to this?
washingtonpost.com: The interview.
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Double Dact, Il: My introduction to double dactyls came by way of Esquire magazine way back in the sixties, when it was edited by Harold T.P. Hayes. My favorite:
Higgledy Piggledy
Marcus Antonius
What do you think of
The African queen?
Gubernatorial
Duties require my
Presence in Egypt
You know what I mean?
Gene Weingarten: Small revision needed:
Higgledy Piggledy
Marcus Antonius
What do you think of the
African queen?
"Gubernatorial
Duties require my
Presence in Egypt -- Ya
Know what I mean?"
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Boston, Mass.: A friend just sent me this link: garfieldisdead.ytmnd.com (it's worksafe but there's sound)
Do you think this is true? Would it make Garfield a bit more interesting?
Gene Weingarten: This is even weirder than B.C. as a modern postapocalyptic world.
It is true, in the sense that it did run. And it does remind us that there is (or once was) a real intellect behind the mass marketing product that is Garfield.
What it means is unclear. I think that Davis just got really funky for a week.
washingtonpost.com: I need an antidepressant.
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Washington, D.C.: Have you ever memorized a (non-limerick) poem or speech? Do you still remember it?
I can get through to the first "miles to go" of "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening," but that's it. And I kinda wish I had more in there -- instead of just every frickin' soft rock lyric under the sun.
Gene Weingarten: When I was about 14 I fell in love with poetry and committed several complex ones to memory. Ozymandias, Prufrock, several by Blake. I still have em, though I may be a little shaky on the middle section of Prufrock.
washingtonpost.com: Not that I was asked, but I've got "Kubla Khan," the first few verses of Canterbury Tales (in MIddle-English, of course) and some Robert Service.
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The Empress of The Style Invitational: If Gene's collaborator would like to write some limericks featuring a word beginning with ca-, she can send it to this week's Style Invitational contest. (Can you link, Liz?) Gene may enter too, though he is not eligible for prizes.
Gene Weingarten: The Style Invitational? A word with "ca"? Have you specifically outlawed "ca-ca'? Because if you haven't, you might as well close up shop. You'll get 20,000 "ca-ca's," and not much else.
washingtonpost.com: Week 674: Limerixicon
Gene Weingarten: Okay, here's a squeaky clean one to start you guys off. I did it all by myself:
Among pets, the type that's most heinous
Is the one that the Romans called "canis."
It barks through the the night
And its breath is a blight
And it spends all its time sniffing anus.
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Bullseye: Gene -- I saw you walking from the liquor store one day, six pack in hand, wearing a t-shirt with a large red target on the back. Isn't that a rather dangerous outfit for a humor columnist to wear?
Gene Weingarten: The front of that shirt said "Czar." The back has a bullseye. It was made for me ten years ago by a woman who mistakenly thought I was the Czar of the Style Invitational. I wear it all the time.
washingtonpost.com: Feh. That doesn't compare to the winner the husband and I happened upon Gene wearing in a restaurant (a sit down restaurant with a wait staff) recently: a black, holey abused-looking thing sporting a cartoon skeleton driving a truck.
In my capacity as a gossip-monger, I am also bound to report that Gene was dining with an attractive young woman who was not his wife.
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Philadelphia, Pa.: Sarah Silverman has the perfect line that attracts every Catholic bad boy. Her line is "yeah, we Jews killed Christ. And I'd do it again."
Gene Weingarten: A great line. It ranks right up there with Bill Hicks's great line: "What I don't get is why Christians wear crosses. When Jesus comes back, do you really think he's going to want to see a f------g cross?"
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Your Natalie Portman example: Makes me think of the one we use in our family: Raymond Burr (better known as "Perry Mason") was gay, but had a thing with Natalie Wood. Because, c'mon, gay, straight, male, female, who WOULDN'T do Natalie Wood, given the chance.
What would we do without our Natalies?
Gene Weingarten: This is from the Wiki entries for Burr. It's interesting how times have changed vis a vis being publicly gay:
"...In contrast to the "bad guys" and hard, unbending heroes he often played, Raymond Burr was in real life a generous man who gave enormous sums of money (including his salaries from the Perry Mason movies) to charity. He once sponsored 27 foster children through Christian Childrens Fund. He would take the children with the greatest medical needs.
"He would insist that TV executives and directors treat his co-stars with the same respect shown him. He also gave generously over many years to the McGeorge School of Law in Sacramento.
"In his younger years, Burr, who was predominantly homosexual, was reportedly a significant other in Natalie Wood's life. "When I was talking to Dennis Hopper about that," Wood biographer Suzanne Finstad says, "he was saying I just can't wrap my mind around that one. But you know, I saw them together. They were definitely a couple. Who knows what was going on there." No romantic relationship has ever been proved between Burr and Natalie Wood.
"Burr's official biography stated that he had been previously married, but both his wives and one child had died. However, these details were fabricated in an attempt to hide the fact that Burr was gay. Only one brief marriage which ended in divorce had actually occurred; the other marriages and the child were fiction."
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Human Resources: I disagree that HR doesn't involve a "leap of the soul" in your words. In my non-work life, I am a musician, so I know all about art, and in my HR work there is plenty of art. I help managers deal with their problem employees. Sometimes, the problem is the manager's, not the employee's. Then I have to advise and sell my advice. Sometimes it's a sad story, and we have to find a kind way to get the employee do what is in his/her own best interest (sometimes that stick needs to be out there). Sometimes there are misunderstandings to help resolve. And sometimes there are anti-social people that make everyone's life miserable, and you help find a way to get that person out of there, yet still preserve that person's constitutional rights (Federal sector).
So there's plenty of soul in my work. There are rules, but the rules are a comfort, because we don't have to arbitrarily play God. But we can't publicize what we do, because of privacy, so people like you don't know about it, and write silly things like you just did.
Gene Weingarten: I said I would get ticked-off letters. This one said it best.
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Ex-pat: "However, I think this incident is too coincidental to discount it. What say you?"
It takes a lot of nerve to assume there's a god out there who ignores all the prayers for world peace, an end to hunger, etc., to take time out to find a stuffed elephant.
Alternatively, it takes a lot of nerve for God to take time out...
Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this is another way of looking at it.
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Serious Question, Va.: Need some advice. Just found out my boyfriend occasionally did cocaine...I say "did" because he said he made a life decision on his own two months ago to never do it again after six years of occasional use (meaning five times a year maybe). Besides the lying to me for years part (he kept it a secret from family and friends), can he really put it behind him without substance abuse help? He says so as he was never addicted... but I want to hear it from someone that's been there.
Gene Weingarten: Sure he can, if he was telling you the truth about five times a year. Five times a year is a very occasional recreational user. People with substance abuse problems, however, often lie about the extent of their use. So my advice is of no practical help to you. Aren't you glad you asked?
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Undisclosed: OK, so I'm getting married. I love my fiance; he's patient, compassionate, and has a hilariously wry sense of humor. We enjoy doing the same sorts of things, we live well together, we've discussed and come to agreements on all the major issues that need discussing (kids, religion, money, farting in bed, and who cleans the bathroom). He's very supportive of some medical issues I have; everyone is happy for me and says that he is very good for me. Mostly I'm thrilled and excited and looking forward to starting a family with him.
Sometimes I'm a little uncertain. I expected my mate to be more muscular and solid. My fiance is not. And I'm young, and I worry sometimes that I'll regret having not been wild. Sometimes I'm a little disappointed, and I don't really know why. Oddly, I mostly feel this at work, rarely at home.
Is this normal? I am under a lot of unrelated stress right now. Or... should I be calling off the wedding? I don't think I could find anyone better than him. I don't really think I want to look. But I can't shake a general sense of fear and foreboding.
Gene Weingarten: It depends. Farting in bed: Is he pro- or con?
Gene Weingarten: Serious answer: No one is ever "certain," or if they are, they haven't thought it through. Stop worrying. Just don't have any kids until you are sure of this marriage.
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Gene Weingarten: Have you ever wondered why comic strip characters, in general, have simple names? Here's one reason.
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