Chatological Humor* (Udated 8.18.06)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

DAILY UPDATES: 8.16.06 | 8.17.06 | 8.18.06

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in the Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything...

This Week's Poll is being presented by popular demand. Once again we remind you: All answers are, and shall always be, anonymous. We do not know and cannot discover who sent in which answers. Please enter via the appropriate door: Men Only | Women with A or B Cup Bra Size | Women with C Cup or Larger Bra Size

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon, dollface. Pull up a chair, and park your caboose.

Right now I'm pounding the keys like a man who pounds keys for a living and is sick of it, if you really want to know, which you don't, because I'm only a man who pounds keys for a living. I'm pounding on a Dell Inspiron series 8600 laptop purchased in 2004, so it may just explode any minute, like a cantaloupe that took a round from a howitzer. Not that you care.

I'm writing like this because it's a genre of stubblefaced writing that is both colorful and startlingly sexist, and we have a colorful but startlingly sexist POLL ( Men Only | Women with A or B Cup Bra Size | Women with C Cup or Larger Bra Size ) today -- but mostly because I fell asleep last night reading Rex Stout, specifically a passage I will quote below.

Do you know Rex Stout? A great 50s-era tough-guy writer. And reading this made me think of my column on Sunday, about Christie Brinkley, and how times have changed in matters of sexual roles, sexual civility and what it is okay to say and think. Check this out, and remember that the narrator, Archie Goodwin, is the good guy, and in his early 30s.

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I pushed the bell button. In a moment the door opened, and there facing me was one of the three most beautiful females I have ever seen.

I must have gaped or gasped, from the way she smiled, the smile of a queen at a commoner. She spoke. "You want something?" Her voice was low and soft, without breath.

"The only thing to say was, "Certainly. I want you," but I managed to hold it in. She was eighteen, tall and straight, with skin the color of the wild thyme honey that Wolfe gets from Greece, and she was extremely proud of something, not her looks. When a woman is proud of her looks, it's just a smirk. I said, "I'd like to see the superintendent."

"Are you a policeman?" she asked. If she liked policemen, the only thing to say was "Yes." But probably she didn't. "No," I said, "I'm a newspaperman."

"That's nice." She turned and called, "Father, a newspaperman."

I knew damn well I ought t o say something, but what? The only thing to say was, "Will you marry me?" but that wouldn't do because the idea of her washing dishes or darning socks was preposterous. Then I became aware of something., that I had moved my foot inside the sill so the door couldn't close, and that spoiled it.vI was just a private dick trying to dig up a client.

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Baseball geek quiz that I just came up with: What is the fewest number of pitches a pitcher can throw in a regulation nine-inning major league baseball game, if he pitches a complete game?

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Cheers to Aric Campling, who has managed to place this chat, literally, into the American lexicon .

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Here is a terrifying sign of the upcoming Apocalypse of prudishness.

On Monday, a Style section story in The Washington Post contained the following quote, about Tony Kornheiser: "I can only hope he gives a lot of [grief] to Theismann," Riggins said.

What rude word do you think was substituted for in the quote?

You know, right?

Wrong.

I am reliably informed that the word uttered by Riggins, before it was cleaned up, was "crap." Yes indeed, in an effort to be ridiculously protective of our readers' tender sensibilities, The Washington post actually whispered a much worse word into the ears of 90 percent of our readers, let alone making think Riggo was much bawdier than he was.

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Thanks to several readers who pointed to a Washington Post article last week that quoted "Ken Troutman, a member of the local bass fishing club." I would call this an inaptonym. This is as opposed to an ineptonym, which would be like someone thinking it means something that there is a stripper named Chesty McBosom.

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The best aptonym of the day comes courtesy of Amelia Stobaugh. It is from the Diary column in the Guardian:

According to every tabloid newspaper in the world, meanwhile, teenage girls at Arlington High in Texas have been banned from showing their cleavages in the classroom. "Everyone knows it's dicey for a male teacher to say, 'Susie, you need to go to the office. Your cleavage is showing'," says school board trustee Mr Wayne Ogle.

And thanks to Doug Wann, for pointing us to this absolutely spectacular headline , which no way was an accident.

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Lastly, concerning my column on Sunday , here is a letter from Shannon Burkett that I found articulate, intelligent, argumentative, and provocative -- intellectually and otherwise.

"I also just wanted to make your day and say that I'm a very happily married woman who would not leave my husband if he had an affair with a younger woman... as long as she was of legal age. And I'll tell you why it wouldn't bother me. Because I'm confident that he would get bored of her. When the newness wore off and the only thing this woman knows about The Dukes of Hazzard is that Jessica Simpson has a great rear end... he'd come back. Mentally and physically. And when I say physically... I mean sexually because there wouldn't have been a break up. I think we make too much of affairs in the country. Monogamy is not biological. Period. But partnership[s] are wonderful. I am secure in my love for my partner and there is freedom in that. I consider myself a feminist and feel that when woman let go of the monogamy thing and start having fun themselves... everyone will be much happier and freer. Woman need to stop betting their happiness and self esteem on whether or not their men stray. At the end of the day...who really cares?"

Before people of either sex react to this, I feel there is some additional information that may or may not be pertinent. Ms. Burkett is an actress in New York. Here is her photo .

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Okay, please take today's poll. I want to specifically thank the many, many women who were willing to ignore its blatant sexism, for the fun of it. We will discuss the results midway through, as always.

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A weak comic week. The CPOW is Monday's Speed Bump . Honorables: Sunday's Fuzzy , Sunday's Sherman's Lagoon , today's Zits and today's Flying McCoys . Pearls ' sequence about the aging of the Family Circus characters would have been excellent, but Passtis didn't know when to stop, and it became tedious.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,

My grandparents' dog died this week; he was only 10. He was the best little dog, a Pomeranian, who, at his maximum weight was 37 pounds. Grandma has Alzheimers, and would forget that she fed him, and so would keep refilling his bowl. When he stopped eating kibble, she would get worried that he wasn't eating, and put gravy on it. Several bowls later, he'd stop eating that, so she would make him little finger sandwiches. He looked like a couch cushion with legs, but he kept her happy.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, now this shouldn't be funny, right? But we all know it is. This is the funniest post of the day. But I STILL can't tell the joke about the guy who has cancer and Alzheimers.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene.

Thank you for this very educational column. I always have no humor and I am wondering: "what is funny?" For over one year, I read your chat each week. Now I laugh at right times during conversation. This gives me many new friends. Last week I went to humorous movie and I laughed.

But I have a serious question for you, I want to be funny like you, to make people laugh. What other things can I do to help me be funny? I can be very dedicated. Tell me and I will do these things.

Many thanks. -Your Friend.

Gene Weingarten: You have to eat a LOT of herring.

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Pittsburgh, Pa.: Wow! I was the first person to respond to the poll (A-B cup female). Do I get a prize for that (the first to respond, not the A-B thing)?

washingtonpost.com: Gift cert. for a plastic surgeon.

Kidding. I'm kidding.

Gene Weingarten: Ahem. It is possible you are not going to see this answer. I wrote it early, and its up to Chatwoman as to whether it gets posted.

I can tell you that you were actually the third person to answer this poll. I was first and Chatwoman was second.

Exercise logic. Draw conclusions. We have now learned something here, haven't we?

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Laurel, Md.: Gene, I don't know where else to complain...

My wife and my favorite brand of toilet tissue used to go on sale once a month, and we'd buy a 24-pack that would last about until the next sale.

But sometime in the last year, they stopped having sales on their base-level product and are pushing their "double-thick 12=24 regular rolls" product. I do not believe their claim. We ran out in about three weeks on the new stuff.

Can anyone vouch for how effective half as much length at twice the thickness is?

Gene Weingarten: This is a very important question, but I think I will only accept an answer from a toilet paper engineer. It does lead pretty directly to the next question, though.

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One Square: I know this is a very small problem but it is driving me crazy. I work in a small office of just two women. The other woman in my office over and over again leaves one square of toilet paper on the roll. This has to be a conscious effort on her part to just leave one square. I just get mad and cuss in the bathroom then come out and say nothing because I know she will just say something smart to me, or cut me down somehow, and then give me the silent treatment for days so I keep my mouch shut. What can I do? Guess I should just try to not let it bother me, but it just seems like just a selfish, stupid thing to be doing on her part that it upsets me. I mean how long does it take to change the roll, and I always thought that whom ever emptied it, would refill. It is such a stupid petty thing but it is driving me crazy. Thanks

Gene Weingarten: It's an interesting situation, actually, from an epistemological (haha) and ethical perspective. One could argue that she is actually bumblingly attempting to be selfless, denying herself adequate absorptive relief so as to leave at least a small amount for you.

Think about it. You never arrive and find the roll completely empty, do you? Meaning she is not a complete pig. Meaning that she must at times find herself with just two squares, and that she elects to split the difference.

Now this raises one of my favorite questions, raised by Pat the Perfect and answered in both Why Things Are and my hypochondria book: Why do toilet paper manufacturers make the squares so small that NO ONE can use just one?

The answer is to most efficiently give people a choice: Those who primly conserve paper can choose to use either two squares, or three. The companies have studied this.

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What's in a name?: Hi Gene. Thought you'd get a kick out of this- I was on the Metro recently and was seated behind a young woman and her daughter. Little girl was about 18 months, and we're playing and giggling across the seat. She was adorable. I asked the mother what her name was. She said -- and I am not making this up -- "Cialis."

speechless

Not sure why she would name her child after an erectile dysfunction drug, but there you go. I vote her a "Toxic Parent," cause that's just WRONG.

Gene Weingarten: Wow! Is that how it was spelled. Not that it matters, I guess. You name a kid Dyareea, it's still pretty bad.

Maybe she was named as a testament to how she was conceived. Achenbach named his daughter Paris because Paris was a particularly important romantic venue in the birth of that child.

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Baseball quiz: 27 pitches if he's on the away team, 24 if he's home.

Gene Weingarten: Incorrect.

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Baseball: 27 pitches.

3 pitches per inning -- all pop ups.

Gene Weingarten: Incorrect.

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New York: "It takes a lot of nerve to assume there's a god out there who ignores all the prayers for world peace, an end to hunger, etc., to take time out to find a stuffed elephant."

Who said we can understand God's plan? Given his supposed omniscience, omnipotence, and ineffability, it would be arrogant for us to assume we can understand His mind, that He views the world the same way we do. We are promised that he answers every prayer -- but there are no guarantees he answers it the way we want him to. Sometimes, the answer is "No."

Gene Weingarten: Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that there is no God. No sentience at all behind everything that Is, except immutable physical laws. An implacable, uncaring universe. A place where the only goodness comes from what we make of it. Okay? A thought experiment here.

In such a scary place, wouldn't it make sense that humans -- particularly primitive, superstitious humans -- would invent a God, so as to tame their fears, give them hope, explain the unfathomable?

And when things happened that seemed to contradict logic or defy the notion of a good and loving God -- genocide, for example, or enormous natural disasters -- or when developing science seemed to serially contradict things contained in scripture and taken for granted -- wouldn't religious people quite naturally respond by saying things like "God works in mysterious ways?" Or, "God is doing this to test our faith" ? There is ALWAYS an answer when one begins with an unshakable presumption that stands not on rationality but on magic and mystery.

I'm just saying.

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Falls Church, Va.: I need your advice from a male's side. My boyfriend eats like a pig, really it has started to make me sick to my stomach when we eat together. He sucks on his teeth, picks at his teeth with his fingers, and never uses a napkin! I know he was raised better but he doesn't care. How do I tell him to shape up but be nice about it?

Gene Weingarten: One word: Lysistrata.

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Baseball quiz: Technically, a pitcher could never throw a pitch if the batter kept dancing from one side of the plate to the other and got called out for it, but that's not the spirit of the question.

A pitcher for the visitors could throw only 25 pitches, giving up a home run and losing 1-0 with the home team not batting in the ninth.

Gene Weingarten: Very good.

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C Cup: I am 50 today. Yikes. I can see that it isn't my mother's 50, but still, I could use some heart. I'm counting on Gene to tell me, as always, that I am stunning.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I cannot see you. But if this helps, my wife is older than you are, and she is the sexiest woman I know.

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Arlington, Va.: You said a few chats ago that you had changed your mind about a spouse sleeping with a prostitute. Because that spouse was potentially exposing the other to disease, you agreed with most of the chatters that this was a much more significant betrayal than you'd originally thought.

By the same analysis, a DUI, which exposes other drivers to incredibly dangerous behavior, is NOT, to my mind, less of a flaw than tax or insurance fraud. Yes, those involve deliberate decisions to defraud, but a DUI means that the person made a deliberate decision to risk others' lives for his or her own convenience.

Whether the spouse ACTUALLY transmits a disease, or the driver ACTUALLY kills someone, is irrelevant. The person knows the risks and goes ahead anyway.

I think you should rethink your position.

Gene Weingarten: This is a bad area. I got a lot of people riled. I got a lot of letters like yours.

I was not saying DUI is good. It's bad. DUI: Bad. I was not trying to excuse it. I was not saying it was "less of a flaw" than tax evasion.

What I was saying was that if I had to face something bad that my kid did, I would be less personally bothered by that than by the tax thing. What I meant was this:

1. First, my kid would probably be in less trouble with the law. You do TIME for tax evasion.

2. Someone who gets a second DUI has a problem that is going to be addressed. He will lose his license. He will be ordered for treatment. If he were my child, I would come to his side and apply extreme persuasive force. There's not much I could do to help the tax evader. And the tax evader is a certain recidivist, because we are talking about an essential dishonesty about life.

3. Someone who gets a second DUI, absent injury to others, has acted stupid and irresponsibly, but not, in my opinion, dishonestly. Many readers wrote in to say they could imagine themselves getting one DUI but not two, and they consider themselves good, decent people. Well, I contend that if you can imagine one, you can imagine two.

Since reaching 30, I have never driven drunk or impaired. I am certain that I have driven in a state that, had I been stopped for a broken taillight, I would have blown a .08, and that is a DUI in many jurisdictions. A .08 is about three beers over two hours. That's a ball game, or a wedding reception.

I am hearing from a lot of reasonable people contending that if you have had ANYTHING to drink, you have no business behind the wheel of a car. Some of these people have lost loved ones to a drunk driver. I respect their position.

But I think there are many people who know their limits quite well, who apply mature and reasonable judgement, who never drive impaired, and who will sometimes drive with some alcohol in their blood. Sometimes it is almost unavoidable.

I take responsible driving very seriously. I've never had an at-fault accident. And if I have driven, a few times, with some beer in me, I still think I am a lot safer than perfectly sober cellphone using nitwits or perfectly sober speeders and so forth.

Sorry. We don't have to continue this discussion. I know many people disagree. I am trying to be honest and I am doing it at the risk of offending some people, angering others, and leaving the impression that I am an alcohol abuser, which I am not, or an apologist for drunk drivers, which I am also not.

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Harrisburg, Pa.: Is it me or has "Frazz" become too preachy? It never seems funny any more unless you're the type of person who takes 200 mile bike rides over the weekend and runs marathons in your spare time.

Gene Weingarten: There's been a little excessive preachin' goin' on, mebbe. Yeah. We may hear from Jef on this, or not!

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Washington, D.C.: Gene -- Hoping you can answer a style/punctuation question. Saw this recently in Hank Stuever's "Question Celebrity" column:

Last month, a large chunk of the staff of the daily newspaper, the News-Press, resigned in a huff, fed up with the apparently iron-fisted rule of owner/publisher, Wendy McCaw.

I'm wondering why there's a comma after owner/publisher. It seems to me that would be like saying, "The Nationals won the game on a home run by outfielder, Alfonso Soriano." It would be different if you were saying, "...the newspaper's owner/publisher, Wendy McCaw," but you're not, right?

I see this fairly often (not in The Post) and it's a pet peeve of mine, but now I'm wondering if I've been wrong.

Gene Weingarten: I think you are right. Is Pat the Perfect within range of this phosphorus?

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Undisclosed location: Two or three squares? Good god, how are these people accomplishing the necessary paperwork with that little? I find that only a nice wadded handful gets the job done. Actually, several handfuls, since if you apply the paper only once you're not doing a good job. You repeat until the stuff is virgin white. The thought that folks are going around with improperly cleansed bottoms because they're trying to get away with a sqare or two really skeeves me out. I might have to forgo public transportation.

Gene Weingarten: This HAS to be a guy. A woman would see the fallacy here in a second.

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Bethesda, Md.: I note that your Wikipedia admirer split an infinitive in his entry on Marrying Irving. Personally, I think there are times when it makes sense to prudently split an infinitive, where it avoids making the sentence awkward, and do it without remorse. Where do you and Pthep come down on this?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, he also misspelled Stuever's name. But it's a good entry.

I have no problems with split infinitives.

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Edmonton, Alberta, Canada: I lost a friend who did have cancer and Alzheimer's. You are mistaking in thinking you can't tell that joke. You are also mistaken in thinking it's funny -- it's actually a situation which is probably going to become more and more common and matter of fact.

Gene Weingarten: Er, if it's not funny then I can't tell it ... right?

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada: Sarah Silverman! No no no. Gene, are you going to let this stand? It was Lenny Bruce, and it was funnier, because he ended it, "And when he comes back, we'll do it again."

Gene Weingarten: Good grief, you are right. I knew it sounded familiar. Sarah has stolen it. That's bad.

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Nooo, say it ain't so!: My older daughter (Hope's older sister) told me recently that when she has a daughter she wants to name her...(dum, dum dum)Madison!

I had to work very hard to not scream! I very carefully thought of every argument I could to persuade her that this is NOT a good idea. I think I got her when I explained that we had had a President Madison and would she name a daughter Jefferson or Washington? Whew!

We'll just have to wait about 20 years to see if it worked! (or hope that she has boys)

Gene Weingarten: Ah, yes, Holly.

This is the Holly Mother of the chat. (Hahaha.) She has occasionally sent me photos of Hope, the official baby of this chat. I have not shared them because we cannot afford an overabundance of Hope.

However, this one is themed. Liz, can you link to the picture of Hope's diaper VPL?

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Dreamland: So now we know that Chatwoman has big breasts AND that she puts out! Amen!

washingtonpost.com: I hate you, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Next: Her wiping habits.

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washingtonpost.com: Baby Hope

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Leg Man, Canada: The poll today is AWESOME. I can't believe you get away with this.

I'm a leg man, after the face of course. I'm an engineer though, so of course I've analyzed this, and I have come up with the following rationale. Please note that I have explained this to my girlfriend and she was impressed by my... tact. (Whew.)

The way I look at it, breasts are genetic. Anybody can have nice breasts. But nice legs (and a nice rump, which was a tough call) require some work. Nice legs imply that the woman takes care of herself. A woman who works out, or plays sports, is more attractive to me. Not because of image reasons, but because if somebody takes care of their body, it follows that they have a fair amount of self-respect and a desire to improve themselves, which I like. In other words, a woman who stays in shape is more attractive to me than somebody who relies on just their God-given gifts. You dig?

Gene Weingarten: Well, it's an answer. But it doesn't explain why you chose "face" as number one, does it, bobo?

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Harrisonburg, Va.: Gene you make a good point about Rex Stout. How much sexism, racism, etc. should we put up when reading books written in the past? I am a feminist who would hate Archie Goodwin if I ever met him. Yet I love the books. Archie's voice is wonderful and funny. Wolfe's misogyny is a joy. But in a book written today it would be a horror.

Do you think Rex Stout meant Archie's attitudes to be taken seriously? I always sense some tongue-in-cheek there.

washingtonpost.com: I recently reread the Sax Rohmer Dr. Fu Manchu books and was cringing with the overt racism against any non-WASPs on almost every page. Really ruined an otherwise really good book for me.

Gene Weingarten: I think you need to read things within the context of the time, and take no offense. This stuff is nothing compared with vintage Agatha Christie.

I think I have noted this before, but I have a first edition of "Ten Little Niggers."

It contains several passages about hook-nosed, money grubbing Jews.

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Trickydi, CK: "This HAS to be a guy. A woman would see the fallacy here in a second."

Heh, heh. Either you misspelled "fallacy" or your going all Freudian-slip here.

Gene Weingarten: Heh heh.

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Bese-ball been berry berry good to, ME: 15 pitches. Rainout after 5 complete innings.

Gene Weingarten: I SAID a nine-inning game. We already published the answer: 25.

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Silverman: Sarah Silverman hasn't stolen the joke, she's adapted it. The previous chatter only told you the first part.

She goes on to say that some people blame the Jews for killing Christ and some blame the Romans. She claims she's one of the few people who thinks it was the blacks.

Gene Weingarten: C'mon, though. Unless she says "as lenny bruce said...." it's stolen.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: Re the extraneous comma in "owner/publisher, Wendy McCaw": Yes, that's a mistake. Not earthshaking, but definitely wrong. Without a totally identifying pronoun beforehand, "owner/publisher" is functioning as a title and gets no comma. I wonder if the word "its" before "owner/publisher" had been edited out and the comma inadvertently left there.

Some of your longer-winded publications have a rule against using such "false titles" as identifiers before someone's name (as opposed to official titles, such as Vice President), but the false title is a very economical construction that's extremely useful in journalistic writing. But no, it doesn't take a comma afterward.

By the same token, I also wasn't sure about two other commas in the same sentence, the ones flanking "the News Press." But it turns out that those commas refer to -- correctly -- the PREVIOUS sentence:

"In Santa Barbara, Calif., the answer, for now, is yes. Last month, a large chunk of the staff of the daily newspaper, the News-Press, resigned in a huff ..."

There is one daily newspaper based in Santa Barbara. So what Hank's phrase in the second sentence means is (if he wanted to use more words instead of that neat li'l comma) "The staff of the single daily newspaper there, the News Press."

But using a comma after the indefinite identifier "the xxxx" is a common mistake in modern American English. It is indeed wrong to write, "The humor columnist, Gene Weingarten," because it means only that Gene Weingarten is A humor columnist, not THE only humor columnist extant. As much as he would like to believe the latter.

Gene Weingarten: I would like to note, in all seriousness, that you have just heard from someone who might be the world's greatest authority on the use of the comma. There are areas of expertise in the copy editing field. Pat Myers could be qualified as a comma expert in a tort trial of the use of a comma.

I policed my use of commas very carefully in the above paragraph.

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Washington, D.C.: I think I went to high school with Amelia Stobaugh. Is she from Minnesota?

Gene Weingarten: I do not know. Perhaps we will hear from her.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene-

Ever since I turned old enough to be cognisant of such things, I've considered myself a feminist (I'm a man). I exercise feminist activism once in a blue moon, participating in the odd demonstration, but to me feminism basically boils down to treating women with respect and making sure society as a whole does the same.

Also, I'm totally a breast man. I've been intimate with a few women in my life based solely on their breast size (something I've usually realized after the fact). I am attracted to women of most shapes and sizes but I definitely have a special attraction for big breasted women. There has always been a touch of guilt involved with this preference. I mean, I don't try to hide it, I'm open and honest and comfortable with the way I am, however, I feel like the feminism and the boob fetish don't jibe with each other. Tell me I'm wrong.

P.S. How annoying is it when people say "jive" when they mean "jibe"?

Gene Weingarten: You want ME to exonerate you? Sure! What the hell!

Suffice it to say, I laughed out loud when I started reading your second paragraph.

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Alexandria, Va.: RE: I'm just saying... As opposed to assuming there is no God, or there is a God for sake of argument, let's consider the universe as we think we know it: our best educated guess is the universe was born of the big bang. What triggered the big bang? What space/mass did the absence of the universe take? What triggered the big bang? Where did those primordial materials come from? Where they always in existence? Were they created from other matter? If so, where did that matter come from? What if the big bang theory is wrong and that the universe has ALWAYS (read for infinity) been in existence. How is that rational or comprehensive? How is any of this possible without a "spark"? In our human minds there has to be a beginning and an end. But does there in the universe? We truly do not understand the nature of the universe. Until we can fully explain it the ONLY rational conclusion is there was a devine spark.

I'm just saying.

Gene Weingarten: Total Bushwah and nonsense. Until we do know, the most logical answer is what has turned out to be the most logical answer to those questions we once had that we now have answered: There is something having to do with science that explains it. Science, not magic! We once thought that pancreatitis was caused by a little dwarf living in our stomach.

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Leesburg, Va.: Gene,

I am one of your "conservative" fans. While I disagree with you politically on some items, I do respect your reasoned opinions. Also, you are really funny. Now that I have sucked up -- do you know who I can contact to fix a Daneker (Baltimore, Md.) Grandfather clock? I know this is not a typical chat question/comment but can't find anyone after much search.

Gene Weingarten: Edward Compton, Ecker's Clock and Watch shop, Bethesda. He makes house calls.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene-

Baby #2 is on his/her way any day now. We've had the boy name picked out for quite a while, but my husband and I cannot reach a concensus on name for a girl. (We are of the non-control-freak variety of expectant parent who like the surprise of finding out if it's a boy or girl when the baby is born.)

Since you are the arbiter of all things related to good taste and baby naming, which do you prefer: Katherine (we'd call her Kate) or Caitlin? One of us thinks the former is too staid, while the other thinks the latter is too trendy.

Gene Weingarten: Go with the currently less popular name. Kate.

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A comma's tort trial: What would that trial look like, Gene? Comma vs. Semi-colon with the charge of alienation of affection?

Gene Weingarten: It would involve the interpretation of a law or a statute or a codicil in a contract. There is just such a case going on now, involving tens of millions of dollars.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: I'm so tired of hearing the "monogamy is not biological" argument. You know what? Neither is pooping in a toilet!! But we live in a society!! These are the norms. This is how man (and woman) live together and take care of one another. And the species goes on.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. But do you find nothing persuasive in her letter? I do. For the right people.

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Lysistrata?: It's not nice to make a girl pee her pants at work.

Gene Weingarten: THAT'S WHY LIZ GOES PANTSLESS FOR THIS CHAT.

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Lysistrata: One word: define

Gene Weingarten: Greek play. Aristophanes, I think. The women stopped the men from fighting each other in a bloody war. They did it by withholding sex.

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You think gay guys are kidding?: So you can't believe that, deep down, gay guys aren't really into women. Well, the reverse is true, too. We all believe that, deep down, you'd all be on our team if nobody would find out. And I've got news for you: You guys believe this too. Why do you think all the most hypermasculine institutions -- the military, sports, fraternities -- are the ones with the biggest fear of gay guys? It's because our presence makes overt the homoerotic subtext in all your bonding rituals. Think of all the ass-slapping in locker rooms and barracks. And has there ever been a pledge class that didn't at some point have to drop their pants? The extreme anti-gay right believes the same thing. The often unspoken, and sometimes spoken, thread running through their screeds is that, without sanctions on homosexuality, everybody would be gay. The only logical explanation for this belief is that, deep down, they think gay is more fun.

Gene Weingarten: Ha. Well, honestly, I think you are overstating the degree of buttslapping and towelflicking in male bonding rituals, but there IS something interesting about guys' aversion to touching each other and sharing feelings. A fear of "seeming" gay does seem to mask a fear of "being" gay.

Once in my life, when I was around 30, I had a mildly homosexual dream. Not really erotic, but definitely gay-themed. It was so startling, it woke me up, and I started laughing.

At 30, you know who you are. But I always wondered, if I had that dream at 18, whether I would have found it so funny.

Meanwhile, I totally buy your point about homophobes latent fears. Whenever I get a letter from someone who is expressing obvious bias against gays, I always answer with some variation of: "Thank you for writing. I understand how someone with your secret desires might feel the way you do, and I hope that you someday find peace of mind in a loving relationship." Just drives them NUTS.

I once wrote about this. Liz, can you find my column on why Bush hates gay marriage?

washingtonpost.com: Aisle Be Damned , ( Post Magazine, March 21, 2004 )

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Washington, D.C.: I'd like to get your take on something. The current Pope was criticized by a lot of people for having been a member of the Hitler Youth when he was a kid. As I understand it, at that time and place he didn't really have much of a choice.

Last week the author Gunter Grass (he wrote "The Tin Drum" and other novels), a hero of the literati/antiwar left, admitted that he joined the Waffen-SS in 1944. He says he didn't know at the time what the Waffen-SS did: as it happens, they were tasked with running the concentration camps.

My question: should Grass receive the same kind of scrutiny and criticism as the Pope? Do they have differing levels of culpability?

Gene Weingarten: In 1944, Gunther Grass was 16; the war was going badly and a desperate Hitler was conscripting kids as young as 12. Check out the sickening image below.

The pope was even younger when he was with the Hitler youth, which was essentially the boy scouts, and in many places nearly mandatory.

I give both of them a pass. Not that they asked me, but I do.

washingtonpost.com: Pic

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Gene Weingarten: The poll:

Not much to say, really. To me the most important headline is:

WEINGARTEN CHAT PREFERRED ALMOST TWO TO ONE BY LARGE-BREASTED WOMEN.

After that, we have the stunning fact that men appreciate breasts just fine, but do not prefer large breasts over small. There is a man for every woman. Make me proud of my gender.

I was surprised, therefore, by how horny the guys are. Two thirds get at least a bit of a thrill from a friendly hug?

I just don't see it. Maybe I am slightly less of a dirty old man than I'm made out to be.

My answers: On the smaller side, no arousal, face, butt.

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Laurel, Md.: Do you have a reply to last week's request about the song "American Pie"?

Thanks!!!!

Gene Weingarten: Ah, right. I don't for the simple reason that I see analyses all over the Web. I have my own, but it corresponds pretty clearly with most of the Webs. I will take questions, however. I am pretty much an expert on this song.

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Bowie, Md.: Gene, having recently re-entered the singles scene (I'm a guy) I'm finding out how correct you are that basically all girls names have to be trashed every decade and new ones invented.

At singles functions, you can tell how old the women are by their names:

Debbie and Susan are in their 40s

Jennifer and Allison are in their 30s

Megan and Leah are in their 20s

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. And Renee and Barbara are in their 50s.

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Amelia Stobaugh: Honestly, I don't get it. Why is this funny.

Gene Weingarten: Are you kidding?

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Oh, you boys: Am I correct in my interpretation of the men's poll? Their responses to question one are running neck and neck. Could it be that when asked a question like that, men go into a sort of fugue state and all they can say is "Uh -- boobies huh-huh."

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. This is one of the surprises in this poll, for sure.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Everybody else seems to have an opinion about pre-season football. Do you think it's a good idea, or essentially pointless?

Gene Weingarten: Well, a team has to make some decisions to pare its roster from 70 to 50, or whatever. So I think it's important in that sense. I'm not sure regulars need to play in these games. The risk is just enormous.

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Washington, D.C.: I find it interesting that Ms. Burkett assumes her husband would get bored with a fresh young thing. Maybe he would, but wouldn't it depend on what he was looking for and why he was looking? The men I have known (my uncle being among them) who have gone for the younger woman, tend to be looking to feel invigorated vicariously or to start families they didn't or couldn't with their current SO/wife or to make themselves feel more attractive. It doesn't always wear off (my uncle married his much to the chagrin of my cousins who were 7 and 10 at the time). I do agree with her assertion that there are things due to age commonality and just plain history that she can provide that the new woman can't, but her husband may want a break from all that. However, it also doesn't do to worry about it either. As long as you try to be the best spouse you can be and hold your partner to doing the same, then what will happen will happen. Neither of you will stop noticing attractive people (usually of the opposite sex) and you shouldn't if you are still alive and kicking. My husband and I admire attractive women together and I tell him which men I think are attractive. I don't care that he finds other women attractive somewhat because I know he is committed to me and isn't acting on the attraction but mostly because he never fails to make me feel beautiful, even when I feel grungy.

Gene Weingarten: A few people have asked me, all kidding aside, how young a woman I might seriously court if I were newly single and at my age. The bottom limit. My personal rule, as I have said, is four years older than one's youngest daughter. In that case, this puts the woman at 29. But there is one other factor involve: approbation of one's children. I am aware my daughter would be highly skeeved if I went out with a 29 year old woman. And that opinion would matter to me hugely. I am going with 35.

Er, not that any young woman would want anything to do with me. This is hypothetical.

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Washington, D.C.: "Proposed Amendment XXVIII:

"It shall be unlawful to use the U.S. Constitution as a plaything for the politically self-righteous. Violators should all go to Hell." "

Dang, Gene. Nicely put, and I agree wholeheartedly.

Gene Weingarten: Heh heh.

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Washington, D.C.: Is it dirty that I get a thrill if I think the guy is getting a thrill when I hug him without holding my "large" (snort) C-cups away from him? Hugging is going to become a lot more interesting.

Gene Weingarten: I do think women have learned something here.

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Monday Night Footb, AL: What did you think of your colleague Tony K's debut last night?

And why didn't ESPN approach you to do commentary on Monday Night Football? I'd love to see today's poll -- or some good fart jokes -- being discussed during injury times-out and other dead spots in the game. I'd bet ratings would jump 20 percent.

Gene Weingarten: I meant to watch Tony and then forgot. I just can't get amped for a preseason game. The reason ESPN didn't ask me is that I would be dreadfully inept. It's not about my being ugly, obviously, considering Tony. But it takes a special talent to be good on TV, and I ain't got it.

You know, I used to edit Tony, side by side. In terms of sheer physical hideousness, it was like an iguana and a hyena, side by side.

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Re: Fallacy: Clearly a guy because he mentions wadding. Everyone knows ladies fold TP, not wad. Well, I don't know, but apparently most ladies do.

Gene Weingarten: No, it was a fallacy because it didn't occur to him that women might well use two or three squares for number one.

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North Bethesda, Md.: You blew it with your answer about last week's poll. You said (in part) "The occupation I want my kids to embrace at least at first is one that is a reach for them; a leap of the heart; something they will pursue with a passion" and that "Nothing wrong with these professions, you can do well and good in both of them, but they don't seem like leaps of the soul."

These might not be leaps of the soul for YOU but they are leaps of the soul for others. Is being a vet a leap of the soul? For you daughter, yes. For me, no way. Just because you don't find excitement in the job, doesn't mean others don't.

The only 100 percent correct answer -- the one all parents should wish their child not do -- is astronaut. What are the chances of dying while working as a high school English teacher, investment banker, pop singer, actuary or HR professional? I would say it is no different from just living (i.e. there is always risk of some maniac shooting you) - in other words the additional risk is ZERO! The chances of dying as an astronaut is extremely high. And I would assume all parents would want to see their children live.

Gene Weingarten: Nicely put, but I don't buy it.

I look at that list of job choices -- astronaut, high school teacher, insurance actuary, pop singer, government HR specialist, and investment banker -- and I ask myself, which of these is most likely to leave someone, at age 50, wishing they had done something different with their life, that they had settled for something less exciting/rewarding than they should have?

That was my criterion, and to me, the answers were evident. Yes, I was applying MY standards. You are applying yours.

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Cube Farm: Tuesday you said "The occupation I want my kids to embrace at least at first is one that is a reach for them; a leap of the heart; something they will pursue with a passion."

While this is necessary for some, it is not necessary for all. You may have trouble understanding that because you seem to love your job.

I figure I don't need passion at work. My job is somewhat dull, but the pay is good, the hours are good, the workload is steady but not crushing, and my coworkers are great. If I could shorten my commute, I really wouldn't have anything to complain about. It's just dull, but so what?

I'm passionate about things that go on before and after work - my marriage, my family, my hobbies, and some activism. I think if I could make any one of these into my job I would start to lose passion about it. Plus, they really wouldn't pay very well which would mean I wouldn't have the time/money to do the other things that I feel passionate about. So, it honestly wouldn't bother me in the slightest to see my theoretical kid become an insurance actuary or government HR person. Some people work to live, not live to work.

Gene Weingarten: I like this point. It's like what the other guy said, only more human. You're right; I tend to define who I am inordinately by what I do for a living. (This is true of a lot of writers and journalists.) There are other ways to see it, and they are valid, too.

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Biloxi, Miss.: Gene,

Concerning the poll. I generally find that larger breasts look better in clothes and smaller breasts look better naked, so I chose no preference. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule and a medium to large pair of shapely, firm breasts are stunningly amazing.

For the record, I am a face man with breasts (or maybe better, curves) coming in second. But there is nothing like looking into the eyes of a woman with a beautiful face when you are making love together.

Gene Weingarten: She doesn't need a beautiful face. She just needs a face.

Man, this chat goes down some sultry alleyways, doesn't it?

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To the Breast man: He wrote (in a snooty tone):

P.S. How annoying is it when people say "jive" when they mean "jibe"?

My question to you is, how annoying is it when wanna-be spelling police spell "cognizant" as "cognisant"?

Gene Weingarten: Touche.

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Alexandria, Va.: Gene -- my incredibly comfortable sandals which I can wear to work make little farty sounds when I walk. Not all of the time, and not TOO loud, but how do I handle this? Scowl and mutter "these darn sandals" when it happens and I think a co-worker heard it, or bet on the sound not being so loud that the co-worker heard it, and say nothing?

Gene Weingarten: Print this chat question and answer, enlarge it a lot, and post it on your cubicle wall.

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Up North: Gene-

I propose a related poll to this week's. I am a small-breasted woman, and I don't like wearing bras. I layer and wear camis and bra-ish things, but I rarely wear a real bra. A bra doesn't do much for support -- there's not much to hold up, unless I'm exercising. However, I am missing out on the other function of the bra -- nipple camo. Doubtless my nipples are on display more than a bra-wearing woman's would be. My question is, what do people think when they see a braless woman walking down the street? Does the size of her breasts matter? Does a man think, yay? Or yay, but I wouldn't marry that chick? Do women think I'm trashy? And women, what is the most important function of the bra -- antigravity boostage, or making the breast look pneumatically smooth?

Gene Weingarten: I'll just let this hang out there.

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Brisbane, Australia: Gene,

From last week's poll, I have met many unambitious people who are perfectly happy with their lives.

On the other hand, I have never met a fundamentalist Christian (or fundamentalist anything) who is truly happy. They seem to live their lives in a state of constant readiness to be outraged.

I would certainly rather have a happy, unambitious child than one who goes to funerals with God Hates Fags placards.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I admit that I probably place too much emphasis on ambition.

I think you are being unfair to fundamentalists. Some are bigoted knuckleheads, many are not. There is a certain comfort one can take in a literal interpretation of scripture; the world becomes a simpler and less scary place, our choices more apparent. I find it childish, but I don't condemn it out of hand, except where those people try to inflict their views on others.

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Sterling, Va.: You only need one sheet of toilet paper.

1. Fold the sheet in half.

2. Fold it in half again so you end up with a square 1/4 the size of the original.

3. Tear off the corner where no edges of the paper meet. Save the torn-off piece; you'll need that later.

4. Unfold the sheet. You'll note a hole in the center.

5. Stick your middle finger through the hole.

6. Utilize the sheet for its intended purpose, making full use of said middle finger.

7. Grasp the sheet of paper tightly around the base of your figher, wrapping the paper around it.

8. Slowly pull the wrapped-up sheet of paper up off your finger, applying pressure so as to remove residue.

9. Take the torn-off piece you saved from before and use it to clean underneath your fingernail.

Gene Weingarten: Chats have been happening since 1999, basically, in newspapers around the country. But this is the classiest. How is it even debatable?

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Herndon, Va.: Sorry for no funny city name.

Have you ever finally seen a radio personality that you have listened to for years, and you think "That's not what Don Geronimo looks like?!"? Well I just had the inverse experience with Chatwoman. I caught her Sunday morning bit on Washington Post radio. THAT IS NOT WHAT THE LIZ KELLY IN MY MIND SOUNDS LIKE. I'm not even sure what I expected her to sound like... we've certainly had enough description of your voice, Gene. Liz, on the other hand, we could mentally create from scratch. Have any of you print/online folks considered how weird it is to HEAR what our print journalists sound like? I am still reeling from the first time I signed on to washingtonpost.com online and saw my first picture of Krauthammer (I imagined he was a very fat person).

washingtonpost.com: Ya, but did I sound okay?

Gene Weingarten: And what did you THINK she would sound like?

See, in this poll we already have a clue about what Chatwoman sounds like, and LOOKS like.

Regarding Krauthammer, I'll bet there is something else you don't know about him. He is a paraplegic: A diving accident in college. Krauthammer is an amazing guy. I disagree with every single thing he says, but I read him religiously.

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Louisville, Ky.: In their respective primes, who was funnier?

Richard Pryor

Eddie Murphy

Bill Murray

Adam Sandler

Will Ferrell

(I think I have the succession line about right...)

I vote for Eddie Murphy, but he gets points deducted for his terrible singing career.

Gene Weingarten: No one was funnier than Richard in his prime.

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Blue Yonder, Va.: Gene, Saturday night Reston Town Center offered a free concert by the Airmen of Note, the U.S. Air Force Big Band jazz ensemble. The leader of that group is Chief Master Sergeant Dudley Hinote. It's pronounced High-Note.

Gene Weingarten: Very nice!

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Ellicott City, Md.: RE: Clutch, keeping it in while moving and why this is bad. From what I remember, the bearing used to push in the clutch while the clutch is spinning is not designed to be kept with pressure on it for long periods as you normally go in/out for each shift. This extra stress is why you should not coast down a hill with the clutch in, but instead, put it in neutral and release the clutch.

Gene Weingarten: Correct. I learned this by calling Warren Brown's radio show, and asking precisely this question. Fortunately, it is how I drive anyway.

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Ashburn, Va.: I loved the poll this week! I have never thought once about what a man thinks when I hug him. I just hug. If he likes how it feels, great. I am not a whimpy hugger and am not gonna do the whole butt-stick-out thing like some prude. I'm a size 36C and am proud of my girls and don't feel a need to try to minimize them or pretend they don't exist. However, that is what I was taught to do. I grew up being taught that no one should ever see a bra strap, any part of a bra, or know that women have breasts. I could never understand it. It's the most beautiful part of being a woman!

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Seattle: Give the guy a pass on "cognisant" -- might be one of those Brit spellings.

And it IS annoying when people say "jive" instead of "jibe."

Gene Weingarten: Why do people pronounce it "negoseeayshun?" there in no "see" sound in negotiation. This is a big one with me.

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Humor, ME: To the poster who posited there must be a god otherwise where would the big bang come from?

This a logical fallacy - he is using the cosmological argument. Because we can't explain where the particles of the big bang came from, the answer must be a deity.

The logical extension to this is to ask where did this god come from? Or what caused god? The answer (he was always there) is logically inconsistent with the supposition that the universe and its particles had to be created - they could just as easily have "always been there" as a god.

String theory also posits that the big bang in fact could have been caused by two universes in other dimensions colliding, etc. - much more plausible than a benevolent magician to me.

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes. That was my point. HE will say, well, where did the two universes come from? It HAS to be a magic frog named Morris!

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American Pie: Don McLean said quite clearly that the meaning of "American Pie" was that he never had to work again in his life.

Gene Weingarten: I know!

I don't understand people who bash that song. Yes, all the code is a little silly, but it is just a gorgeous thing to listen to.

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Washington, D.C.: I don't know if I buy men choosing the face as the first thing that determines physical attractiveness in women. I say this because two weeks ago I had the priveledge of being the only female in a group. The men in the group were going on about how gorgeous one coworker was versus another. While they both had great bodies, I would say one was better than the other (but not by much, I envied both women in that arena) however, one girl had an insanely gorgeous face than the other girl, with the previously mentioned slightly better body. After hearing them go on about "better body girl" for about 10 mintues I asked them if they had ever stopped to look at her face and (yes, this was catty) pointed out odd/out of place things some due to her lack of sleep and/or grooming. (I said I was catty) They all stopped and thought about it and it was clear they had never really examined her face. This story might not translate well to text, but my point is that men know that they should say they look at a woman's face first, but I think they are mostly lying if they say they do.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not. The face is a clue to everything: Intelligence, humor, etc., so it really encapsulates beauty in its purest form. Plus, hair. Don't get me started about hair.

Also, on a less noble note, if a woman is overweight to an extent that bothers you, you'll see it in her face.

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Com, MA: I would nominate Lynn Truss (Eats, Shoots & Leaves) as the comma expert in my trial.

Gene Weingarten: Her book was filled with errors.

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Re: Lysistrata: "One word: define"

Has this person never heard of a little invention called a "search engine"? People are so freakin' lazy...

Gene Weingarten: yeah, but what the heck. It allowed me to explain.

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Arlington, Va.: Would you agree that Krauthammer is by far the best-writing columnist out there?

I suspect that you (as a liberal) read Krauthammer for the same reason I (a conservative) read Richard Cohen every time: it's good writing, and reading the opposition serves as a check/balance on my beliefs.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, exactly. No, I don't think he is the best writer, but he is a very good writer, and a very good thinker. I really respect him. BOY is he wrong about everything.

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The Final (funny) Word on Female Grooming: Gene, I'm sure this can't be your or chatwoman's favorite subject to broach but I had to submit what I consider to be the final word on the female grooming issue, or it should be anyway.

When I asked my husband about the issue and whether or not he had any preferences or input on grooming down there, he said:

"Eh, not really. Its what's on the inside that counts."

Gene Weingarten: And who can argue with that, really?

Gene Weingarten: A good note to end on. Thank you all, and seriously: I am honored that women took this poll in large numbers, in good fun, and without complaint. It really was outrageous.

Thanks again. Next week, same time. And I'll be updating as usual.

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UPDATED 8.16.06

Gene Weingarten: The e-mails keep coming, so I'm gonna do it. Today, for what it is worth and to all who care, my explanation of "American Pie." It will comprise the entirety of today's update.

First, the lyrics:

FIRST SECTION:
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they'd be happy for a while.

But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn't take one more step.

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, miss American Pie.
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"This'll be the day that I die."

SECOND SECTION:Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock 'n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that you're in love with him
'cause I saw you dancin' in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

REFRAIN

THIRD SECTIONNow for ten years we've been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin' stone,
But that's not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
And a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.

And while Lennon read a book of Marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

REFRAIN

FOURTH SECTION:Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
'cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

REFRAIN

FIFTH SECTIONOh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil's only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan's spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw Satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

REFRAIN

SIXTH SECTIONI met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn't play.

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

REFRAIN

---------

"American Pie" is one big ol' mysterious, confusing, immature, wonderful song presented in overly complex code, telling a not hugely complex story none too clearly. But you have to admire its audacity, and the sheer scope of it, and the playfulness of the riddle. It's long but not tedious. To call this a bad song is ridiculous. It's an anthem, an epic.

You will find analyses of it all over the Web; some of the conclusions people draw are obviously correct; some are obviously reaching. I began analyzing this song the second time I heard it in 1972, when I realized that "Angels born in Hell" meant the Hell's angels, and I made the connection with Altamont and Jagger and Sympathy for the Devil. (more below.) That's when I realized this song was more than just nonsense and began to seriously question whether most of it told a coherent tale. Which it did. I don't get some of it, still.

McLean has never explained this song, even the more obvious things, and that was smart of him. But when you realize just how many indisputable, complex references there are, you can have no doubt that he intended each line to have meaning.

In general, American Pie is a story about rock music losing its innocence and magic over a period of time. There are actually several days the music died. The first is the death of Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens in a plane crash on Feb. 3, 1959. The second is the 1969 Rolling Stones concert at Altamont -- the antithesis of Woodstock -- where things got real ugly, and a man was knifed to death as the Hell's Angel bodyguards beat people will pool cues. The third is the death of Janis Joplin. This song was written before John Lennon's murder; rest assured, it would have been in there if it hadn't been. There is also, in the refrain, an echo of a fourth, non musical, event that may or may not be in McLean's mind. We'll get to that below.

SECTION ONE:This is definitely about Buddy Holly. It was February. He left a widowed, pregnant bride. His biggest hit was "That'll Be the Day (When I Die.)"

Degree of certainty: 100 percent

THE REFRAIN:Who knows? Not me, not any of the online efforts, which are silly. From the first time I heard it, I found myself thinking about the deaths of Goodman and Schwerner and Cheney at the hands of drunk good ol' boys in 1964, which occurred during the early, sweeping scope of this song. They were buried in a Mississippi levee. But I dunno; that has nothing to do with music. Like many of the lines in Prufrock, involving action curtailed, it may simply be meant to evoke a notion of emptiness and barrenness. The levees are dry. I don't know. Degree of certainty: 5 percent

SECTION TWO:This is a flashback to the days of the purity and innocence and sexual power of early rock n roll. It's the only straightforward part of the song. It's good, except for that awful thing about "broncin' buck." He meant "buckin' bronc." To "bronc" is not a verb. I believe I am the only person ever to point this out.

Degree of certainty: 100 percent.

SECTION THREE:It moves rock forward. As he sings this, the Stones are getting old and tired, but McLean's looking back 10 years to an earlier time, the beginnings of post-Buddy Holly rock. The jester is Dylan. He's got James Dean's sense of alienation, but he's singing with all our voices (the definition of folk music.) He steals the thorny crown of fame from the King, Elvis. (Dylan always said he wanted to be as famous as Elvis.) Meanwhile, the Beatles are getting popular, and getting lefty political. If Elvis is the king, who is the queen? I am thinking this is a joke. I think it is Little Richard. Dylan has said he idolized Little Richard and patterned his early singing (in his own mind) after Little Richard.

Degree of certainty: 90 percent.

SECTION FOUR:
Pretty confusing. It's about the starting of the corruption of rock. Helter Skelter is a clear reference to the corruption of the Beatles song, as used in the Tate-LaBianca murders. The birds are clearly The Byrds. (Eight miles High was their most controversial album... it was about drugs. That's the sweet perfume in the air, by the way.) The jester on the sideline in a cast is pretty clearly a reference to a period of time when Dylan got into a motorcycle accident, smashed himself up badly, literally was in a body cast, and recorded nothing for nearly a year. Some say it changed his music forever, for the worse. I don't know who the players are, though it may be people like McLean who could not break into the mainstream because of the dominance of the Beatles. A pretty petty and small-minded reference, if true. No, I DON'T recall what was revealed.

Degree of certainty: 75 percent.

SECTION FIVE:
A generation all in one place is Woodstock . But then comes the stones, Jumping Jack Flash, and Altamont. Rock will never be the same again. The knife-murder of the guy in the crowd actually happened as Jagger was onstage, singing Sympathy for the Devil.

Degree of certainty: 100 percent.

SECTION SIX:
The girl who sang the blues is almost certainly Janis Joplin, and her smiling and turning away is her death, and the final nail in the coffin of rock n roll. The religious purity of the medium is dead (this hearkens back to section two, where he equates faith in God above to rock n roll.) Life goes on, with all its cliches. The sacred store could be anything, but given the religious theme, I'm thinking it's a reference to the sock-hop days of section two, and the fact that music has changed for the worse, and juke boxes play crap. I have no idea what the remainder of this means, and any guess would be pointless.

Degree of certainty: 65 percent.

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You may now have at me.

washingtonpost.com: I think this is a very well-reasoned explanation and I don't doubt you're right.

But -- and this goes to the heart of why I hate this song -- the analysis and the song itself are the antithesis of rock and roll.

Rock and roll is raw, blunt and hits you over the head. This song is none of those things. This song is rock and roll that went to a pricy liberal arts school.

Gene Weingarten: Of course, Liz has confessed to me that she really, really likes "Wildfire."

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UPDATED 8.17.06

Gene Weingarten: Another day of "American Pie," but first, Jef Mallett writes in to answer this, from Tuesday --

Harrisburg, Pa.: Is it me or has "Frazz" become too preachy? It never seems funny any more unless you're the type of person who takes 200 mile bike rides over the weekend and runs marathons in your spare time.

Gene Weingarten: There's been a little excessive preachin' goin' on, mebbe. Yeah. We may hear from Jef on this, or not!

Reverend Jef Mallett here. Someone needs to preach me a good sermon about noticing that it's noon on a Tuesday. Apologies for missing the chat.

Regarding my own preaching, Harrisburg may have a point. I don't know. One person's enthusiasm is another person's preaching, but you've got me thinking. Writers write about themselves, and I'm a triathlete. I'm an enthusiastic, if not distinctive, triathlete. (Okay, I'm an old bike racer who can sort of swim and run.) I've got a lot of triathlete and bikie friends, too, so such talk and such jokes seem entirely normal. But one of the best ways for enthusiasm to look like preaching is if there's a sense of self-righteousness to it, and for some reason people who aren't inclined to spend their weekend mornings chasing their tails around three loops for the sake of a t-shirt and a sample packet of energy goo sometimes see us as self-righteous instead of, say, a little strange. I'd have to side with strange, but perception is perception. I will say the skinny-sports guys seem very much to like seeing something out there that they can relate to. There's not a lot of that in mainstream media.

The story I'm sticking to: No preaching taking place. I accept that I'm not a niche-spotting savant, and the best I can do is make fun of myself -- Frazz's tastes are intended to come off as much a weakness as a virtue -- and hope readers can relate. And adapt when they don't -- but not so much that the strip loses direction. And that, I suppose, is where guys like me really have to work for our wages.

I'll be sure to make the chat next week if anyone wants to have a go at me. But let's make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat: I don't run in a Speedo. Even I have my limits.

But not at self promotion, apparently, because I cannot forebear pointing out that the new Frazz book is now out. Then again, if I'm trying to defend myself against charges of athletic evangelism, it may be best that I didn't mention the title: "99 Percent Perspiration."

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Gene Weingarten: Jef is amazingly civil and charming, even when wrong. In contrast, after the chat, I also heard from Stephan Pastis, whom I criticized for gilding the lily in his continuing ad nauseam weeklong theme of the Family Circus kids aging. His was a one-word message that I cannot print here. I responded with a two-word message that I cannot print here. We continued the conversation on the phone, graduating to entire phrases and dependent clauses.

I do have to say that the overreaching obnoxious weenieface wrapped up the series brilliantly today.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, I received five e-mails from people pointing out that the murder at Altamont did not occur during "Sympathy for the Devil." Unfortunately, the five readers were in disagreement about which song was being performed. We had two votes for "Under My Thumb," one for "Jumping Jack Flash," one for "Brown Sugar," and one for "Gimme Shelter."

I was wrong. Though "Sympathy for the Devil" was in the set, the murder occurred during "Under My Thumb."

Elsewhere in I Was Wrong news -- which isn't news, really -- Dave Scocca writes in to point out that it's just possible that Don McLean was not in error when he wrote "broncin' buck." Although no dictionary I have found contains "bronc" as a verb, you can find it on a few web sites dealing with raising and riding broncos. It seems to be an elastic word used to mean "raising broncos" or "riding broncos" or "the bucking of broncos."

Did Don know this when he wrote the song? Dunno. But we shall give him the benefit of the doubt.

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300 ft. from the Beach: I'm surprised your analysis of "American Pie" didn't mention Vietnam at all. I think the lyrics allude to the war several times, sometimes more directly than others.

For example, the refrain (and title of the song itself) are about soldiers who know they may die in battle a long way from home, possibly in the levees of Vietnam.

The "confusion" near the end of the song evokes the chaos of anti-war protests, as the civil order of Buddy Holly's America falls apart. The "players" trying to take the field are the protestors, representing a growing majority of Americans. The "marching band" that refuses to yield is the out-of-control military of the day. (It's interesting that the word "marching" is used twice to segue from the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper to the real military, but I don't think it's intended as a knock against the fab four.)

Personally, I think this aspect gives the song much of its poignancy -- it's a song about the dissolution of the American concensus, not just a song about rock 'n' roll.

Gene Weingarten: Those famous levees of Vietnam? With Chevys driving up to them?

I just don't think so. I don't buy the similar argument that follows, either.

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Takoma Park, Md.: "American Pie" dissection:

I think the dominant theme of the fourth section is the war in Vietnam -- a huge issue during the "American Pie" time period not otherwise addressed in the song. The "players" are the National Guard troops at Kent State. I recognize that the marching band earlier in the section represents the Beatles (sergeants as in Sgt. Pepper). The "marching band" that "refused to yield" sounds like the students protesting the war that were shot by the NG at Kent State or perhaps the antiwar movement in general. What was revealed that day at Kent State in 1970?

The "players" might also refer to soldiers in Vietnam. Football ("forward pass") and war share a lot of terminology -- "bomb," "blitz," "shotgun," "bullet," and others made famous by George Carlin. "Birds" could doubly mean the Air Force bombers dropping bombs (napalm "landed foul on the grass"?).

McLean ironically sets the sergeants and the marching band (antiwar protestors) against the players (soldiers or guard troops).

No, they don't all fit perfectly but it makes sense to me.

Gene Weingarten: You guys are speaking so positively about something that is really stretchy. These interpretations require far more assumptions than I am making.

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American Pie: I like your analysis. I have two comments.

"Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?"

I think what was "revealed" was our mortality. The song is about rock and roll, which is, primarily, a medium of the young and indestructible (us aging baby boomers notwithstanding). If the first "day the music died" is the death of Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens, all young men, what was "revealed" was that we, too, were mortal.

I think the closing of the "sacred store" is a reference to the Philmore East in New York closing on June 27, 1971. Heading "for the coast" would then refer to the music scene going out to San Francisco (the West coast, which many easterners referred to as "the coast," even though we actually lived on a coast ouselves) to the Philmore West, which closed on July 4, 1971, for its blow out, five day final concert.

Gene Weingarten: Both points are reasonable, considering when the song was writ. Fillmore, not Philmore.

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American Pie, USA: Years ago I had a friend who was a DJ. He told me, in confidence, that the greatest reason DJs play "American Pie" is so that they can go take a crap (as the song is so long). I am incapable of listening to this song since without picturing the DJ in the bathroom. It's the pooping song.

Gene Weingarten: I think we can "end" with this.

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UPDATED 8.18.06

Washington, D.C.: I am an ER doctor, and you may be interested to hear that "to bronc" is in fact a verb in the medical field. It is jargon meaning "to perform a bronchoscopy", i.e. putting a fiberoptic scope down the trachea and into the bronchi (the large airways in the lungs) (I guess technically it should be spelled "bronch"). Anyway, whenever I hear that lyric in "American Pie," I picture a Doogie-ish pulmonologist putting scopes down people's windpipes whether they need it or not, while female ancillary medical personnel coo adoringly. I'm going to go ahead and admit that most people probably don't share this interpretation, and it's probably not what Don McLean had in mind. But the philosophical school of I-forget-what-it's-called states that the meaning of a piece of art is whatever the receiver interprets it to be, so the hell with Don McLean and everybody else.

Gene Weingarten: It's called the Intentional Fallacy. If you were talking about insertion of a penile catheter, though, it would be the Intentional Phallusy.

washingtonpost.com: Thanks, classy.

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Gene Weingarten: Speaking of which, I do want to thank the more than three dozen people who each exclusively alerted me to the rather startling aptonym in paragraph six here.

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Gene Weingarten: Thanks to Patrick Murray for notifying me about the nice aptonym in a story from Durham, N.C. The story is about an ice cream store named the Marble Slab Creamery. It is owned by Mike and Lisa Fatfat.

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Gene Weingarten: And the Higgledy Piggledies keep coming in. Here's a good one from Peter Owen --

Artistry-Fartistry
Amateuristically,
Weingarten parses the
Bye Bye Pie song.

Washingtonpost.com's
Meta-analysis:
Interpretation shows
Artist went wrong.

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Gene Weingarten: And lastly, I don't recall what prompted this anecdote from Maureen Frank, but I love it:

I was employed by the USAF years ago and was a technician. I worked on analog radios, among other things. Some of the operators of this equipment were Marines and had gotten a new officer in as their OIC.

He was pretty green and they were determined to "ping" him -- little practical jokes that are designed to make someone look foolish. We received a trouble call that a radio would not work in "Official" mode. I went out with my Sergeant to check it out, since this was a new one on us. When we got there, the officer (poor first Lieutenant) took us to a radio and ran it through its various frequencies/bands, showing us how it worked in UHF, VHF, FM, etc. Then, he turned it to its final setting, and said, "See? Nothing in Official mode!". My Sergeant got very red in the face and nodded to indicate that I should handle this one, then walked off the floor and left me there. He did NOT want to laugh in this very large Marine's face. I said, as gently as I could, that the radio was functioning properly and we don't generally expect it to do much of anything when it's turned "OFF." The Lieutenant then got very embarrassed and turned to his operators, all of whom were on the verge of tears, choking back their laughter. I asked to be dismissed, received the okay, and ducked for cover.

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