Chatological Humor*

aka Tuesdays With Moron

* Formerly known as "Funny? You Should Ask ."

Gene Weingarten's controversial humor column, Below the Beltway , appears every Sunday in The Washington Post Magazine. He aspires to someday become a National Treasure, but is currently more of a National Gag Novelty Item, like rubber dog poo.

He is online, at any rate, each Tuesday, to take your questions and abuse.

He'll chat about anything...

This week's poll: Men | Women

Weingarten is the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca. "Below the Beltway" is now syndicated nationally by The Washington Post Writers Group .

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ .

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I seldom tell tales from the bedroom - my bedroom -- but today I will make an exception.

My wife and I were lying in bed on Friday night. Her head was on my shoulder, like a sleepy golden storm. We were about to drift off to sleep. The following conversation is verbatim.

Me: I have a confession to make. I have another wife and family.

Wife: Okay.

Me: They're in the suburbs of Chicago.

Wife: Okay.

(Five second pause)

Wife: Do you have better clothing there? If so, you should bring it the next trip.

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I had a whole array of things I was going to discuss in this intro, but events have superseded them. HERE is a story I wrote last night, which appeared in today's Style section. We'll wait here while you read it. It is quite short.

Good. Welcome back. The story is getting an avalanche of e-mail, not from people who usually read my stuff but from that genre of male known as the Avid Sports Enthusiast. They were FURIOUS. As I write this at 11 a.m., there have been more than 100 e-mails, most of which are a variation of the ones from which I quote below:

Anybody who knows anything about football knows that Drew Bledsoe was not ordering out a pizza and that the temperature was not 9,000 degrees on the field. Come on, lighten up and talk about the things that Tony did right like bring up the Terrell Owens issues with the Dallas owner Jerry Jones and prompted some intelligent arguments with Theisman. This is one guy who felt that this column was a waste and the criticism unfounded. - Lawrence Gould

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Where do you get off criticizing his physical features? What does that have to do with anything? I didn't listen to the whole broadacast but based on what you have laid out, you either have no sense of humor or you have no sense of professional dignity. - Tom Bartley

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It is clear, based on your article, that you suffer from professional jealousy of Mr. Kornheiser. Your article makes you look sad and pathetic. Why not focus on building up your own career, rather then attempting to pull a cometitor down to your level? Insinuating that Mr. Kornheiser's jokes were actually mistatements of fact shows a desperate attempt to discredit someone who you obviously hold a vendetta against. I suspect that you fell you deserve to be in the Monday Night Football booth, but this is no way to go about trying to land that job. Grow up! --- Matthew Rutledge

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It almost pains me that I feel the need to respond to the drivel that (for some reason) the Post let you publish. Let me start by saying that I don't necessarily disagree with you about how bad Tony is on MNF. But the "points" you make and comments you reference are so off-base, I wonder if your "column" wasn't written tongue in cheek. Tony's job is to make off-the cuff, zany remarks. Of course he is not going to call the plays as they happen. If you knew anything about sportscasting, you would know that would be the job of the play-by-play man. (That would be Mike Tirico.)"He always offered commentary after everything was over." That is your astute observation? That's Tony's job, bonehead. To add to the play-by-play man (again, in case you forgot, that's Tirico) and the color man (the "ex-jock" you referred to, Joe Theismann.) He ADDS to what they say. And do you really think Tony believes there are 5 quarters in a football game? Or that Bledsoe was ordering a pizza. It was a JOKE, dummy. Much like your "column." -- Andy Symonds

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I'm going to guess you are in your late 20's or early 30's and are just dumb enough to believe that if you blast Tony like Paul did... you too will be "famous" in Blogs this week. Sorry to disappoint you... but your article not only has no teeth... but you imply that the jokes Tony made (5,000 degrees, 5th quarter) were actually mistakes on his part! Also, your comments on his head are way over the top. I'd love for you to put a picture of yourself next to your article so all could see how pasty, zit scared, greasy haired, bad dressed of a loser you are. You thought this article was providing "shock" value...wrong, this one will cost you your job. - Glen.

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Okay, then! Wow! I guess I really screwed THAT one up!

Thanks to Allen Robinson for finding this aptonym in an MSNBC story:

"Military leaders deny any discrimination. 'Service in the military is open to people of all creeds and religions,' says Michael Milord, a lieutenant colonel in the Air National Guard."

And thanks to Dave Bruggeman, for this important link , about combating the dreaded male equivalent of Visible Bra Line.

No, neither I nor any other guy has any idea what "heather grey" might look like. I couldn't reach my wife, so I contacted my friend, Rachel, who is an actual woman, too, and asked her to describe "heather grey" to a guy. "It's like the color of the 'Send' button," she said. Okay, got it.

A few people called my attention to THIS comic strip , which is just extraordinary. If this is an example of the level of creativity in this new strip, Lio, we're going to be watching it weekly.

The double dactyls keep coming in. This one is from Peter Owen. Unlike most, it scans.

Artistry-Fartistry

Amateuristically,

Weingarten parses the

Bye Bye Pie song.

Washingtonpost.com's

Meta-analysis:

Interpretation shows

Artist went wrong.

In searching my double dactyl file, I found a really good one -- heretofore unpublished -- written by my son, Dan, and me about four years ago. Here is its, all rights reserved, etc. This may not be republished or rebroadcast without without the written consent of Major League Baseball.

Higgledy Piggledy

Joseph DiMaggio

Jolted the ball but was

Jilted in bed.

Marilyn walked, but he

Necro-romantically

Laid her in rose bouquets

When she was dead.

Please answer today's poll ( Men | Women ). Interestingly, these two stories share something in common, as I will explain.

Okay, lessee. A good comic week.

The CPOW is Sunday's Candorville , for the sheer cheek of it. The First Runner Up is Saturday's Rhymes with Orange (scroll back to Saturday). Honorables: Speed Bump on Friday, Agnes today, Sunday's Pearls Before Swine .

Okay, have at me.

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Honolulu, Hawaii: "I'm on Fire" is a better song, but "Wildfire" brings back wonderful memories -- riding around in the back of my best friend from kindergarten's dad's El Camino screaming/singing "Wildfire" at the top of our lungs.

washingtonpost.com: Exactly.

Gene Weingarten: By that reasoning, "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" is a great song.

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Why, Gene, Why?: Before I took the poll, I had the fortune of never having heard the song "Wildfire" before. I read the lyrics and was confident enough in voting, but later decided to listen to the song figuring that the music must be really good to make up for the lyrics. Ouch! It's even worse with the music. Why did you inflict this on us, Gene? You should not have let Chatwoman into talk you into publicly shaming her like this. Cruel!

Gene Weingarten: I gallantly waited a full week after her first online defense of Wildfire ("That song gives me chills..."). I hoped her insanity would subside. But no. She kept telling me how great the song was, how there was a subtle suggestion it was about a child, etc. The final straw was when I proposed "I'm On Fire" as the comparison, and she wrote, "I HATE that song."

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Nebraska: You love The Boss's interior rhyme, don't you, Gene?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I do. I am a sucker for interior rhyme. Poe did it to me, when I was 13. I got the complete Poe for a bar mitzvah present.

Once upon a midnight dreary as I wandered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore ....

You could speak not a word of English and still find that beautiful. Then, Coleridge.

In Xanadu did Kublai Khan a stately pleasure dome decree,

where Alph, the sacred river ran, through caverns measureless to man, down to a sunless sea.

So, yeah.

I should point out, in her wretched defense, that Chatwoman is also a fan of Coleridge.

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Songs: Gene,

Seeing "Wildfire" reminded me of reading Dave Barry's "Bad Song book," since it was mentioned there. The "killing frost" is stupid, but otherwise there's something about that song, I must admit I like.

In fact, I like a lot of the songs in Dave's book. Possibly because my Dad played many of them (Elusive Butterfly of Love!) constantly when I was a kid (I'm in my '30s). Are my tastes permanently warped, or can I recover?

Gene Weingarten: I like Elusive Butterfly, too. And it is a truly terrible song. Sugar, Sugar is good, too. By the Archies. Oh, and "Concrete and Clay." That's a great bad song.

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Washington, D.C.: "American Pie": Great. Now can you decipher "Wooly Bully?"

Gene Weingarten: Sure. Hattie saw something and told Mattie about it. It was this thang, and it had horns a woolly jaw. Also, Hattie advised Mattie that, to avoid seeming clueless about popular tastes, she should learn to dance. The song, pretty clearly, is a statement about the alienation of modern man as he attempts to conform to societal norms that seem increasingly pointless, in an implacable universe.

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Heather grey: Heather grey is the grey that is MOST familiar to all men -- it's sweatpants grey. It's grey with little dark flecks (that's the "heather" part).

Gene Weingarten: Noted. Though Rachel was close, too.

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Alexandria, Va.: Gene -- A question only you could answer: A man and woman are having sex in a public restroom. Are they in the men's room or the ladies' room?

Hi Katie! (a shout-out to my sister)

Gene Weingarten: Excellent question! I am pretty sure they are in the men's room. If I were for some reason planning such a foray, I would choose the men's room on the theory that a man would be less likely to summon authorities, should the foray be sussed out by a stranger.

Any other interpretations out there?

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Maryland: I had a dream last night I was voting in the Maryland state election. Nothing unusual, just going to a polling station and casting my ballot (don't know who I voted for).

I wondering what this says about me.

Gene Weingarten: That's more boring than MY dreams.

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Working the pole: I am a moderately short woman, which makes it very difficult for me to reach the holds running along the ceiling of Metro cars. My only options are the poles or the top of seats. Why is it that people (and by people I mean men), even in a packed train, will lean the full length of their bodies against the poles? This means I am either swinging from the ceiling like a monkey or wedging my hand under a sweaty back. Please people (and by people I mean men), share the pole.

Gene Weingarten: Your complaint is noted. As a man married to a woman of modest height, I have become sensitized to the problems of altitudinal deficit. Many years ago, when I edited the Sunday Style section, I ran a nice little piece by a woman named Merrily Powell, on this very subject. It took me a half hour to find this piece. I did it for you, sweetie. As an apology for the male pole-hogging jerx.

washingtonpost.com: Tick Tick Ticked , ( Post, Sept. 1, 1996 )

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Someone else's rib: Wife: Do you have better clothing there? If so, you should bring it the next trip.

Your wife is funnier than you are (and I happen to think you are pretty funny).

Gene Weingarten: I frequently say that my wife has a great sense of humor, but it is very different from mine. This is a good example of what I mean. It is a very female sense of humor, actually. Situational. Gina would understand.

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Washington, D.C.: Is it an American thing that we generally don't recognize satire when we see it?

From people misinterpreting the Onion, the Colbert Report and now your article, it makes me wonder. British people don't seem to have this trouble. Did no one read Swift in high school? Eesh.

Gene Weingarten: In this case, I think we are seeing Sports Blindness.

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New York, N.Y.: A Men's Room may not be clean enough or set the right environment for a woman to have sex. Unless it is a wedding and the girl is a bridesmaid.

Gene Weingarten: Many people are saying this.

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Lusby, Md.: There is only one explanation for Chatwoman's love of "Wildfire." She's a girl (or once was a girl), and the song is about a girl and her pony. As the father of three daughters, I know that all girls love anything to do with horses and/or ponies. I bet the song made Liz cry (and maybe it still does). If the lyrics were changed to a boy and his dog, or a guy and his car, it would never find its way onto her iPod. Musically and lyrically speaking, there's no other explanation for anyone liking that song.

Gene Weingarten: Lizzie?

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Singlesqua, RE: I read the transcript after the chat has ended, so I was not able to offer this advice last week. There is a simple solution to the co-worker who leaves a single square rather than change the toilet paper roll. The chatter should either always bring tissues with her to the bathroom, or check for the offending square before using the facilities and get tissues if needed. Do not, under any circumstances, touch the square! Use your tissues. Single-square Sallie will soon succumb and switch the roll. I suspect the problem will be resolved within days, but be prepared to hold out for weeks. Discuss your plan with no one! SSS will be mystified and impressed by your apparent ability to use the facilities without using toilet paper. Your problem will be solved and your talents legion. Godspeed.

Gene Weingarten: This woman is clearly a nuclear arms negotiatior, familiar with "throw weights" and the like. Good plan.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: As a patient of Dr. Frankfurter's, I'd just like to add a few comments. First, he isn't as humorless as your interview suggests. He always laughs at my stuff! Because I'm funny!! Secondly, how did you rate a return phone call? No one over there ever returns my calls, and I'm a PAYING customer!

No baby yet, either.

washingtonpost.com: Pregnant With Humor , ( Post Magazine, Aug. 20 )

Gene Weingarten: He wasn't unfunny. I think he was just being very careful about not saying something that might be taken out of context and offend people who are in a vulnerable state. I got no problem with that.

By the way, I heard from Doc Frankfurter's sister, who liked the column. She is a wedding photographer. She is amazingly good. If you want to see wedding photos like you've never seen, check out michellefrankfurter.com.

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Bathroom sex: As a woman, I wouldn't go into the men's room to have sex--too gross. Blech. The women's room would probably be cleaner, and I don't think most women would tattle, either. Just gossip about it.

And how awesome was the Yankees sweep this weekend? I'm still glowing.

Gene Weingarten: It was a massacre. Pretty much like today's poll.

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Washington, D.C: So has Tony said anything to you yet about your article. I thought it was funny.

Gene Weingarten: Haven't heard from him yet. He'll like it. We are old friends.

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Ceremo, NY: Whoa! Wait a sec! You were a bar mitzvah? Please share the details.

Gene Weingarten: I grew up Jewish in the Bronx. Sure.

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Birmingham, Ala.: Dear great comic comics guru: Please help settle a point of disagreement between my husband and me concerning yesterday's "Mother Goose and Grimm."To recap, Mother Goose is working a crossword puzzle and asks the name of Noah's wife, to which Grimm replies "Joan of Arc." When my husband choked on his cereal and showed me the strip, I commented that it should have said Joan of Ark. My husband contends that the strip is perfect because the humor is in the sound of the word rather than the spelling. What say you?

washingtonpost.com: Mother Goose and Grimm , ( Aug. 20 )

Gene Weingarten: You are right. It would be slightly better with Ark. A more satisfying pun in both directions.

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Chicago, Ill.: Sports Blindness stems from the fact that sports fans are subjected to some of the worst writers (Along with some great ones like Povich and Wilbon) and sport talk radio, thus making them unable to see satire since so many writers and radio hosts take on absurd positions every day and defend them to the death. I mean does your piece really read any differently than the kind of crap Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti produces?

Gene Weingarten: I can only conclude that they didn't read the italic intro. But maybe they did!

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Rockville, Md.: I don't even believe this aptonym. Seriously? Poltrack tracks ratings and polls? That can't be real. WP, I don't believe you!

"When the DVR came on the scene, there were all these apocalyptic predictions as to how it was going to destroy the mass market and mass-market TV," said David Poltrack, chief research officer at CBS Corp. and president of CBS Vision, the company's research shop. "People became infatuated with the technology and the idea that people were going to take total control of their TV viewing."

Poltrack is one of the industry's experts on researching viewing habits and telling programmers and executives what the data mean.

Gene Weingarten: I have just added it to the Hall of Fame.

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Arlington, Va.: Last week's chat was awesome. And since we are talking female body parts and male attraction...

As a large-breasted woman who has had meaningful relationships with a few men, I much prefer to be with a breast man. The breast man adores breasts and is not shy about it. The man who has no real preference is attentive to the girls but not overly so.

Why not go for that thing (besides sense of humor, depth of soul, etc.) that is most attractive to you?

I love a well defined bicep on a man, and while I wouldn't discount a man without the guns, I did certainly notice that my last man didn't have the one physical trait I so admire.

Gene Weingarten: Bicep?

And this is your favorite man part?

This is like my saying I love a shapely as.

The singular of "biceps" is "biceps." No such thing as a bicep.

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Wildfire...: I like it, too, Liz. Pooh on mean ol' Gene and his sucky songs.

Gene Weingarten: I am posting this for the simple reason that it is THE ONLY DEFENSE OF WILDFIRE AS YET RECEIVED.

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Going American: American Pie, USA, has broken the DJ Code, by revealing why "American Pie" got more than expected airplay. In my former DJ life, I found that Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" and the Beatles' "Hey, Jude" worked just as well for potty breaks. For serious emergencies? "Inna Gadda Da Vida".

Gene Weingarten: This is in reference to the extended American Pie debate in last week's updates.

Ah, In a Gadda Da Vida. I have an insight into that song, delivered by Rich Leiby many years ago when he was writing a story about a physicist who had played with Iron Butterfly. It is the story of the meaning of "In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida"! But first, to get you in the mood, here is a nice clip. I hope the you tube server survives the surge of hits:

washingtonpost.com: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida clip

Gene Weingarten: Okay. Well, one day Doug Ingle, Iron Butterfly's front man, noodled out the tune on his guitar. He was lying on the floor at the time.

One of the other band members said, "Hey, man, that sounds cool. What's it called?" And Doug told him the name he'd come up with. Unfortunately, at the time Mr. Ingle was drunk beyond all rationality and facial muscle control. What he was TRYING to say was "In the Garden of Eden."

They went with the slur, instead.

Hey, that's Barbi Benton on the dance floor.

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Arlington, Va.: Don't get me wrong -- I'm a guy, and I'll listen to anything the Boss writes -- but "I'm On Fire" has a huge honking flaw. It is impossible to hear the line, "At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet," without thinking that Bruce drank a lot of iced tea before going to bed and had an embarrassing accident. Try as one might, one cannot seduce a woman with this song, because she will either cringe or start giggling midway through.

Gene Weingarten: Not me. I got it. Been there.

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Tony K.: Better or worse than Dennis Miller?

Gene Weingarten: Better. Definitely. Of course, someone who said nothing at all would be better than Dennis Miller.

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Higgledy piggledy: Funnyman Weingarten

Wrote us an article

Goofin' on Kornheiser's

Meaty bald head.

Tony defenders should

Self-flagellatingly

Question their own sense of

Humor instead.

Gene Weingarten: Higgledy Piggledy

Funnyman Weingarten

Goofed upon Kornheiser's

Meaty bald head.

You guys need a LOT of editing. Fortunately, it is what I do.

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washingtonpost.com: That "pooh" comment is NOT the only defense of "Wildfire." Gene is selectively censoring the comments I send over to him in order to further his own point of view.

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Great Falls: Michelle Frankfurter photographed MY wedding. She is awesome. And funny. I'm still upset that no shots from my wedding made it onto her website.

Now, if we had had bridesmaids having sex in the men's room, maybe we could have made the site.

Gene Weingarten: I was really blown away by those pictures. Almost made me reconsider my stance on weddings. Not.

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Baltimore, Md.: My friend Jules is reading your chat for the first time today. Won't you say hi to her? It's nearly her birthday, too.

Gene Weingarten: Does she LOOK like a man, too?

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Watch man, IA: Watchmeister:

You've opined on almost all things horological. What's the MOST you would consider spending for a watch, wrist or pocket. Second, are flourescent numerals permissible?

Gene Weingarten: Fluorescent is permissible. I once paid $250 for a 1950s Jules Jurgensen. That's pretty much my limit. I paid $1,200 for a clock. A 1930 Seth Thomas #2.

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Alexandria, Va.: May I suggest a poll? It is a long held belief among girlfriends of mine that a girl with a hot bod and a not so pretty face will be MUCH more successful dating than a girl with a pretty face and a not so hot bod. I have friends of both persuasions (not me, I have neither, but I have wit which trumps both. I don't have grammar, but oh well) and the hot bod chicks get WAY more action. And before the assumption is made that all the non hot-bod women are fat -- let me clarify. I have two friends with pretty faces who are very, very skinny -- especially in the chesticular area, and they are always passed over for the ladies with so-so face and endowments. Also, good hair seems to factor in as well. A girl with a good body and good hair is total man bait, no matter what the face looks like. You made a statement in your last chat that argued the opposite point -- I'd like to see how things play out in a poll.

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: I think we're gonna stay away from horrifically sexist and objectifying polls for a while. I will generalize from the experience of one man only:

There is a difference between the look of the stranger who you sort of lunge at for a date, and the look of a woman you want to be with for a long time. For the lunge magnet, yeah, I think a hot bod (however the guy defines hot) is probably the primo factor; and yes, for reasons I cannot explain, hair matters.

But something happens once you know a woman pretty well. All the features coalesce into a whole. She becomes the sum of her parts, and the individual elements matter less. This is not to say that the elements are unimportant, but they are placed in a saner perspective. It is the holistic approach to lust.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on the woman who would become my wife, many years later. I liked what I saw, but there was no particular lunge factor. She was just another woman in the office, albeit one with spectacular legs. Today, in retrospect, I simply cannot BELIEVE that I failed to appreciate from the get-go the wondrousness of the package.

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Georgetown, Washington, D.C.: Oh, you want Wildfire defenses? I LOVE that song. (30 yo female, small boobs.) I haven't heard it in probably 12 years, and reading the lyrics made me want to go to my parents' house and dig out the LP.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, then.

Chatwoman, I am scouring my posts here, and see no other. I deny censorship. Show me.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

Well, these two songs are alike in two ways: First, the initial time that Chatwoman and I heard them respectively) we got a chill. She, because she was a little girl. She subsequently named her cat "Wildfire." Me, because I thought that Springsteen was coming creepily close to stalker-pedophilia.

Chatwoman thinks Wildfire is about a little girl, but she is wrong. It's a product of her age when she first heard it. That possibility is pretty well taken care of at the end. They're not going to ride off on a little girl's pony, even metaphorically.

I was wrong, too. You don't talk to an underage girl the way Springsteen is talking. He's referring to a woman who is tearing him apart with lust he cannot satisfy. It's a very good song. If you have any doubt about the meaning of this song, check the YouTube video that Ms. Chatwoman will grudgingly link to now. I hate videos for this very reason. There should be ambiguity.

Anyway, the only important result of this poll, as I alluded to before, is the fact that men like my choice in music better yet almost half of them would prefer to be with Chatwoman. Understandable. I'd make the same choice. And yet, though women overwhelmingly prefer my choice of music, almost half of them want to be with Chatwoman. This is so horrifying I refuse to discuss it any more, ever. It didn't happen.

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Birmingham, Ala.: You think that "killing frost" is stupid because you were born and raised in a concrete jungle. Farmers use the term "killing frost" to refer to an early frost that kills the crops in the field before they can be harvested.

I don't know that this explanation helps the song, but I had to stand up for the term killing frost. It kills plants -- not people.

Gene Weingarten: Right, and she and the horse perished in a frost that kills only tomatoes!

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Tony K: I loved your tony K. review! Great job! I would love for someone to write a review of the one you refer to as ex-jock. I have always hated listening to him cover a game, and now that he is with Tirico and Kornheiser, it's even more painful. Why does he have to take everything Tony says so literally and then respond to it as if he's angry at Tony? Won't someone please set Theisman straight? Gene? Please?

Gene Weingarten: I found it disturbing. It is almost as though Theismann is trying to sabotage Tony. He responds superciliously, pedantically. I really think Theismann is awful.

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washingtonpost.com: I'm on Fire , ( YouTube.com )

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Infertility Jokes: Ok Gene, halfway through the chat and I'm still waiting for them! Are you going to answer my joke throwdown?

Gene Weingarten: No, Julie, I am not.

This young lady, who has consulted infertility docs, wrote to me to suggest that instead of telling pregnancy jokes, as I did in the column, that I tell infertility jokes. She said that to someone battling infertility, jokes about pregnancy seem neener-neener-neener. Julie, I tried to come up with some before the chat, and they were kind of lamely funny, but ... I decided I could not go there. This is too serious and issue for too many people.

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North Carolina: I prefer Wildfire. "I'm on fire" makes me feel, well, yucky inside, and I really don't like to feel that way.

Gene Weingarten: Understood.

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washingtonpost.com: Ahem. I am heartily disappointed that there was such a clear vote in favor of Springsteen. If you've been around the chat a while, it's clear that Gene and I both love music. Gene likes music with subtle, somewhat cerebral messages -- hence the hours of his life wasted on an overblown analysis of "American Pie" and "Seasons in the Sun." Me, I like raw rock and roll more than anything else. Give me Iggy and the Stooges or give me death. Simple, pure and in your face -- this is the music I like most. This has been clear ever since Gene and I first argued about "Hang on Sloopy" vs. "Sloop John B." (As ever, I contend that "Hang on Sloopy" is the better rock song.) While "Wildfire" has it's own spin on the simple and raw qualities I like, it's not really emblematic of my taste in music. Still, I'm proud to have it share space on my iPod with Black Sabbath and the Sonics. The majority of you, however, misunderstood this poll in the very same way Gene did. This poll is a simple test -- song vs. song. Most polltakers, and Gene, answered it as if it were a competition between the artists and assumed that a vote for "Wildfire" would mean a denial of the superiority of Springsteen overall. Wrong. There's no question that Springsteen is the better, more successful and prolific artist. In short, you've all answered a question unasked. But stop and consider what makes a good song: Is it the lyrics? The technical complexity? The, ahem, interior rhyme? Or is it the feeling it evokes in the listener? For me, it's the latter and "Wildfire" evokes happy memories of childhood in the late '70s -- you know, like Billy Beer, the Bicentennial or "Roller Boogie." Which explains the overwhelming response to uncool songs we love anyway . Springsteen's song, while technically and poetically superior, leaves me flat, if not a little uncomfortable. Further, You have all followed Gene down the path to blind inflexibility and unquestioned allegiance to an artist. This Springsteen song is no "Born to Run." It's not even "Born in the USA." I'd rather listen to Eddie and the Cruisers. I would encourage you all to think outside the pack mentality. It's okay to not like something by Springsteen. You don't have to blindly approve of everything this man does. I don't like much by him at all and nothing bad has happened to me yet. I would also like to point out that a weekend spent in a cabin outfitted by Gene would mean a steady diet of plain hotdogs, milk chocolate and clouds of cigar smoke. Also, like most meateaters, he smells.

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Washington, D.C.: I'm a guy. When "Wildfire" came out, I kept the car radio tuned to the station (AM) that gave it the most airplay. I hated that song then, and I hate it now, but we boys knew that if you were with [name redacted] when it came on, you could cop a feel.

Gene Weingarten: [Chatwoman], apparently.

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Fred from New Orleans: The fertility specialist in New Orleans is (or was) Dr. Richard Dickey.

Gene Weingarten: Right you are.

wildfire.com: Dr. Richard Dickey

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Boring Elected officials in Maryland: When I was starting a new medication, my doctor warned me that I might, initially, have unusual and vivid dreams. I dreamt that I was running for Attorney-General of Maryland. Doctor said that if that happened again, she'd take me off the medication.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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Washington, D.C.: Last week you asked what is the fewest number of pitches that a team could make in a complete game. If a pitcher was called for tow balks every inning, and then threw a triple play ball, he could get out with nine pitches. Eight if his team was winning in the ninth at home.

Gene Weingarten: Actually wrong, but I do have to revise my answer after more research.

I never actually realized this, but it is possible to balk with no one on base. If a pitcher starts into his motion and stops, the ump calls a ball on the pitcher. So, if there were a spastic pitcher up there who kept dropping the ball, he could walk a batter without a pitch.

However, every subsequent balk would just move the runner along. So, what could happen is that a pitcher could balk a runner to first, then throw one pitch that became a double play, then another pitch for an out. Two pitches an inning. Once, he could balk a runner home, so he only has to pitch 8 innings. Revised Answer: 16 pitches.

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Fairfax, Va.: Bravo on today's commentary about Tony K's ineptitude on MNF. That first sentence is, hands down, one of the best bits of writing I've seen in many, many years -- ranks right up there with "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" or "Call me Ishmael."

You're clearly a credit to the profession. Even if you DO look like a Gene Shalit clone having a bad hair day.

And no, this ISN'T Mrs. Kornheiser...

washingtonpost.com: Yo, Tony! I'm Talkin' About You! , ( Post, Aug. 22 )

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I admit it took some chutzpah to criticize Tony's head, with a head like mine.

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michellefrankfurter.com: Wow! These are amazing!

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I imagine it is possible that some people would not be happy with their pictures. She captures complexity of emotion.

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I was L7.: I just realized upon reading your explication of "Woolly Bully" that for the last 35+ years I have been thinking the lyric was "had two big horns/like a woolly dog."

Dogs don't have horns! Excuse me while I kiss this guy.

Gene Weingarten: The best misheard lyric, as explained by Dave Barry: Ain't no woman like the one-eyed Gott.

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London, UK: I am sending you virtual gold stars for the Leonard Cohen reference ("...like a sleepy golden storm"), which has me happily humming one of my favorite songs. It almost makes up for the crime you perpetrated by putting Wildfire in my head.

For what its worth, my husband and I danced to Leonard Cohen for our first dance at our (I assure you, highly un-fussy) wedding. It was Take This Waltz. Deeply meaningful to us. Considered a highly odd choice by friends and family. Was it the bit about "a corner where death comes to die"?

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha. You're welcome.

Leonard Cohen: Great.

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re: Theismann: The first regular season game that he does will be the Redskins vs the Vikings. Joe T will be even more unbearable with his "when I used to play" stories. I suggest ESPN have the clip of his last play cued up and everytime he says too much, play it! Maybe even a special appearance by LT?!?!

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. For those who do not know, Theismann's last play involved Lawrence Taylor literally creating a second knee for him, roughly eight inches below the other one.

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Baseball quizzer: I'm the guy who sent the correct answer last week.

I did preface by saying there were ways to throw NO pitches (and gave an example of one) if the batter broke the rules.

Under you balk scenario, the pitcher could pick the guy off first.

But 25 is the minimum if everyone obeys the rules.

Gene Weingarten: Very true! No pitches.

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Annandale, Va.: Way to go, Liz! This is why I picked hanging with you even though I don't share your affinity for "Wildfire".

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Pearls Before Swine: Someone needs to tell Pastis that Doonesbury characters have been aging for a long time (he claimed only Baby Blues and For Better or For Worse were doing so)...

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I know. And I argue that Baby Blues characters are not aging, really. They had to age a notch to create a new baby. But Wren has been crawling around and pooping in her pants for YEARS.

I actually mentioned this to Pastis. He agreed.

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Dreamed about you and VPL: I had a dream last night about you and VPL. VPL had somehow become a fashion trend and you were being awarded an award for starting a trend. I cannot get the dream out of my head....thanks!

Gene Weingarten: I love that dream.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, what makes you so sure Springsteen's actually addressing the girl/woman directly, and not just giving voice to forbidden thoughts from a distance? And even if she is over 18, doesn't the use of "little girl" and "daddy" bring in some creepy infantilizing overtones anyway?

It's still a better song than "Wildfire." I'm just curious.

Gene Weingarten: Does he do to you things that I do....? No, not a girl. Also, look at the video.

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Wildfire: This is a metaphor for relationships and having something/someone you love and losing it. The emotional "coldness" killed her not the frost that kills tomatoes! It's not about farming and horses in a literal sense.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, and "Woolly Bully" is what I said.

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Arlington, Va.: Dude, Bruce Springsteen sucks. His musical style is like Rushdie's writing style. Throwing a lot of crap at a wall to see what sticks doesn't take talent, it takes endurance. "Blinded by the Light" was an amazing song, but not his version. His songs more than anything else I've ever heard lend credence to the argument that rock and roll is just noise. He's a funny guy, but a crappy musician.

Gene Weingarten: I see.

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West Coast: In early voting, "I'm on Fire" is killing "Wildfire" among both sexes. And yet the vote is 50-50 on the question of whose music they'd like to be stuck with.

So I gotta wonder: do the guys understand they only get Liz's music, and not Liz herself? And what the hell are the women thinking?

Gene Weingarten: The women are thinking I am a homunculus. A gnome. A flabby over the hill sexless eunuch. This is the most disturbing poll result in the history of chat poll results, is what it is.

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I Don't Understand!: Why, why, why do some of these girls (and I stress girls) feel the need to tell you (and us) one or more of the following: I have big/small breasts, I have VPL, I (heart) you, I poop, I'm a hot 20-something, etc., etc., etc. It screams of trying way too hard and quite frankly, it's incredibly annoying. It makes be embarrassed to admit I'm a female. Chatwoman - help me out here.

washingtonpost.com: Hey, I'm just the musically inept girl funneling this stuff over to Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Because it is in tune with the themes of this chat. It's an important qualifying fact. It would be like a guy calling into sports talk radio and saying, "Listen, I'm a Red Sox fan, but..."

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Sports blindness: Out of curiousity, did any of your humor-impaired correspondents take note of the "Jewish guy" remark? Or was that not as offensive to them as misunderstanding the use of the telephone, etc.?

Gene Weingarten: Nope! No one mentioned that. It was all an elaborated deconstruction of how I know nothing about football and/or how I hate Tony.

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I want to like you...: Okay--Tuesdays with Moron is HYSTERICAL. I started reading you about a month ago and I told my husband that anyone that writes something that funny is a winner. But -- don't make fun of men with male pattern (bald, hair loss). My husband has male pattern and he is great looking. It could not matter less to me that he does "not have hair."

People that lose their hair are not glad that it happened to them and certainly did nothing to cause it. Many men lost their hair years ago -- before Rogaine so that would not even have been an option.

If you are going to make fun of people then make fun of poor dressers, people who are lazy and won't work out or people who used so much that their brain is fried. Okay?

Gene Weingarten: No. Not okay, Mrs. Cue Ball.

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Poor Gene: But honestly? I was thinking it would be weird to be alone in a snow-bound cabin for a weekend with a man my father's age.

Just sayin'.

Gene Weingarten: Go ahead, pile it on, why don't you?

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Columbia, Md.: I wonder how many of the outraged responses to your column today are attempts to craft a response that's similar in tone, but the humor is lacking?

Gene Weingarten: Zero.

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Alexandria, Va.: As a horse-crazy young girl (who is now older but still horse crazy) I wholeheartedly agree with the earlier poster's reasoning for loving Wildfire. I remember cringing when I heard it but loving it all the same because it mentioned a pony and hoping against hope that the pony lived. (who cared about the girl/woman... just wanted to make sure the pony was unharmed.)

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I found this from deep in the message queue. It does seem to summarize why anyone would like this song.

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Liz for the Weeke, ND: I am a woman who voted to spend the weekend with Liz even though I think "Wildfire" sucks. I could change my vote if your wife could come too. We could probably listen to Joni Mitchell then, huh?

Gene Weingarten: My wife and I have similar tastes in pop music, actually, with one enormous, inexplicable exception. I love John Prine. She hates John Prine. It is a wonder we are still together.

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Killing frost, again: I don't think the lyrics say that the frost killed the horse. It was the blizzard that followed when he got upset and busted down his stall.

Confession: I have always liked this song.

2nd confession: I'm not a Springsteen fan but always liked this particular song until you showed me the lyrics. Now I'm really repulsed!

And yes, I'm a woman.

Gene Weingarten: But.. why are you repulsed? This is all happening in his head.

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Neighb, OR: Gene -- I saw you bringing your groceries into your house on Sunday. Tie your shoes.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha. Yeah, when the rib returns with groceries, I just throw on sneakers to help her bring em in. It's hazardous, on the stairs.

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Falls Church, Va.: Liz said of Gene: "like most meateaters, he smells."

Gene, I can't believe you let this pass. Everyone knows that vegetarians are notorious for their overactive intestinal output.

washingtonpost.com: What -- let me tell you -- veggies make much cleaner compost than rotting flesh.

Gene Weingarten: An interesting question, actually.

Vegans probably fart more, but the farts are less noticeable.

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Esquire thing: Liz, if you haven't already (I'm behind), can you please post the text or another link to the Esquire article? I can't get the link to work.

Thank you!

washingtonpost.com: Try this one.

Gene Weingarten: Okay....

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Richmond, VA: Haha, my mother was pregnant with me when Joe Theismann went down. My dad was/is a huge Skins fan, so while she was dealing with the pregnancy, they kept showing that clip of him getting hurt over and over again. Didn't really help with the nausea.

Gene Weingarten: Wait... wouldn't that make you just sort of a ... child? Or does it make me really old? Or both?

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Slurring In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida: Gene, are you sure of that fact? While it sounds very likely, I'd always heard a different story that I tend to believe over Rich's: That at the time they never would have been able to get the song on the air with the real words and title of "In the Garden of Eden"; considered too blasphemous, or something, by the suits at most radio stations.

Gene Weingarten: That's ridiculous. No, that is the right story.

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Washington, DC: How scary is it that people are silently watching you bring groceries into your house? Judging you, even.

Gene Weingarten: I'm afraid I've come to terms with it. I try never to pick my nose in public.

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Rockville, Md.: Gene,

I hope you get to read this: man, I've been so busy, I had not gotten the chance to check your chat for quite some time. I opened it up today...your article, itself, was not that funny, but man, the emails comments you got...thanks for sharing 'em. I had a good laugh.

I don't watch TV (let alone football) but I'd PAY to watch you do at least ONE football game coverage, color, play by play, what ever.

Gene Weingarten: You'd be disappointed. I suck on TV.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, time to go. I believe we once again broke the record for the number of posts received.

So listen, it's that time of year again. I need to finish a cover story and will be gone from today through the next three weeks. You can handle it. I just know you can.

Thank you, and see you all in mid September.

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Wildfire, NE: I don't know where the Yellow Mountain is, but having lived in Nebraska for 10 years, I can tell you it is not located in that state. Another blow against Wildfire.

washingtonpost.com: Unlike the freight train which REALLY does run through Springsteen's skull?

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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