Post Magazine: How Washington Weds

Nuptial ceremonies come in all shapes and sizes. One might involve a sign from God, a $3,000 crystal-beaded gown and an old-fashioned wedding night. Another might include beer in plastic cups, a live rockabilly band and a simple $300 dress. Yet another might be all about a truckload of angst and a wedding planner.

Sandy Fernandez, Stephanie Booth and Marcela Valdes, whose stories appeared in Sunday's Washington Post Magazine, were online to field questions and comments.

Sandy M. Fernandez is a Magazine articles editor. Stephanie Booth and Marcela Valdes are freelance writers.

A transcript follows.

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Sandy Fernandez: Hi there. Thanks for joining us on the chat today. Stephanie, Marcela and I are here, so let's get started.

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Maryland: How come you three women Sandy Fernandez, Stephanie Booth and Marcela Valdes wrote stories and not a single man? And are you all married?

Sandy Fernandez: I would have loved to have a male point of view in there -- especially since men are becoming much more involved in the planning of their own weddings. When we started putting this issue together, we actually did pursue a couple of male writers, but nothing came through.

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Farmington, N.M.: This question is in regards to the "Rockabilly" wedding. If money had been no object, do you think the couple would have done something differently? In other words, were their choices driven by choice or finances?

Stephanie Booth: I think there are a few things Sarah would have added -- a videographer, for instance, or really fabulous gifts for her bridesmaids. But as far as changing the overall tone or atmosphere of the ceremony or reception? I don't think so. She stayed very true to her sense of style (elegant, but low-key), while keeping within what nowadays is seen as a miniscule budget.

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Laurel, Md.: Great stories.

Was anyone from Edgar's family present at the wedding?

Marcela Valdes: Yes, Edgar's cousin Elsie Estrada was at both the reception and the ceremony. She was the one who went up to stand beside him while he waited for Allison arrived, and held his elbow.

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Cape Coral, Fla.: As a wedding planner I'm not sure how to take this article. Was the bride glad she had a wedding planner, did she feel she just picked the wrong one, or did she feel like her wedding planner didn't have good "bedside manner"?

Or was it that the bride hadn't realized that even though she had her wedding planner there to pull all the pieces together, create and plan this awesome event for her, there were still things she was going to have to do on her own?

Sandy Fernandez: I think basically the bride was amazed at how all-out loony she became during this process. I was, and am, glad I had a planner -- I can't even imagine what a disaster this could have been without Natalie helping out. And I think her bedside manner was just fine -- I went back and reread all our e-mails to write this piece, and she was never anything but professional and polite. But I really didn't know how to work with her, and that made both our lives much harder.

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Maryland: My fiance and I envisioned having a low-key, down to earth wedding with the most important thing being simply the presence of our family and friends -- until we realized that once you have 250-300 people and a need for kosher catering, it seems you can't do low-key, or can you? Suggestions? Thanks.

Marcela Valdes: I think it depends what you mean by "low-key." Certainly, catering for 250 people is going to be costly, but I think you can do other things to maintain a relaxed atmosphere -- like choosing a location that feels playful or personally significant, like beach or a favorite restaurant. You can also keep the other wedding details -- flowers, attire, etc. -- casual. Two hundred and fifty people in blue jeans could feel pretty down to earth.
But first you'll need to figure out exactly who you want to be there. For Allison and Edgar Gonzalez, that was one of the hardest parts of the wedding planning process. They belong to a large church, and could have easily invited 300 guests, but eventually they decided to trim the list down to only their closest friends and relatives.

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Washington, D.C.: I'd like to see a follow-up article written by your wedding planner to hear the other side of the story. Maybe you were just a complete Bridezilla freak (as you yourself suggest).

Sandy Fernandez: I'm not just suggesting it -- I'm copping to it 100%. I had never thought I would be, but something about the whole process made me insane. I did talk to Natalie before writing the piece, and I have to say it was cathartic.

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Miami, Fla.: Didn't anybody ask why Edgar Gonzalez and Allison Gutierrez wouldn't spend some money to bring his mom, whom he is clearly close to or his friend, to the wedding?

Marcela Valdes: Good question. I think Edgar would have gladly spent the money to have his mother with him on such an important day, even it meant trimming the other expenses, but she had other obligations tying her to her home in Guatemala.

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Washington, D.C.: I have always loved event planning, and I debate changing careers all the time. Do you think I could find wedding planner/coordinator who I could assist to see if it is something I could do for a career?

Sandy Fernandez: Any wedding planners out there that would have an answer to this question?

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Arlington, Va: Hello. I was wondering if there were any plans to follow up on the three marriages? Say, a one-, two-, five- and ten-year anniversary feature? Maybe then-and-now pictures?

This comes to mind because as I was reading about the Elkins-Ince wedding, I was thinking that the article could be cut-and-pasted directly into the "Can This Marriage Be Saved" format in a couple of years. I would love to be proved wrong; I wish them well, and I hope them happy, but I see some serious landmines in that couple's road. (The statement that concerns me the most is, "I didn't want her telling me what to do," especially when coupled with his family history of bad marriages.)

Stephanie Booth: That's a good idea; it's always interesting to see how things pan out. In the specific case of Keith and Sarah, I have to say I'm pretty optimistic. They know each other -- and complement each other -- extremely well. Things that bother her roll off his back and vice versa. And planning this wedding certainly proved that they can handle stress -- albeit in very different ways.

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Silver Spring, Md.: This question is for Sandy. In retrospect, what could your wedding planner have done to make the relationship and the wedding planning a smoother ride for you both? Also, once the relationship shifted, was there any hope of redemption for her?

Sandy Fernandez: I say in the article, and I really believe this, that the best thing would have been if I raised issues with her. They were fairly minor, really, and whenever I DID raise something she always responded quickly and professionally. In fact, like I said, when I talked to her for the piece I think we both felt better.

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Washington, D.C.: I have read that including your gift registry information in the wedding invitations is considered rude. If so, how is the couple supposed to get the word out to guests?

Marcela Valdes: Though it would be practical for the wedding couple, and many of their guests, to have the registry information on the invitation, it is indeed considered rude to do so. The traditional way to spread information about the registry is through word of mouth: guests ask the couple, their parents, or the members of their wedding party.
I've also seen two other ways to help everyone out. The first is to include a small, business-card-sized announcement with the invitation. The announcement says "The bride and groom are registered at -- -- " and is tucked into a small envelope. The second is to create a weddingWeb sitee that includes different kinds of information that would be useful to guests, including information about the gift registry.

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Sacramento, Calif.: Are you at all concerned that despite your own self-proclaimed madness during the wedding planning process, that through your writing you might have portrayed things a bit harshly toward the wedding planner and might hurt her business? As a wedding planner in California, I feel for the business mentioned in the article. I would be a bit concerned about how a potential bride considering my services might take such an article. What can be done to assuage such potential issues?

Sandy Fernandez: I was actually quite worried about that. I tried to put in enough cues that the reader could make his or her own decision -- read the email exchanges, etc. In earlier versions of the text, I included quotes from my post-wedding interview with Natalie, but I think ultimately the editors felt that they wanted to stick more closely to my neurosis. So yeah, it was a big worry.

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Arlington, Va.: To respond to the person inquiring about assisting in weddings and events: We're always looking for good assistants. Contact wedding planners in the area to see who's currently looking for assistants. Many of us were just like you -- interested, but not sure about full time -- and we got our starts in the business simply by assisting on other weddings.

Sandy Fernandez: Hey -- here's a response to the person who was interested in event planning:

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Silver Spring, Md.: Just a trivial question for Marcela -- In the inside photo of Allison leaving for church, her brother seems to be out doing some gardening. Did he attend?

Marcela Valdes: Allison's eldest brother, Elmer, did attend the wedding. It was just so unbearably hot that day that he was waiting until the last moment before putting on his formal attire. He looked very crisp and sharp at the ceremony and reception -- in fact you can see him in one of the other online photos. In the photograph where Allison and Edgar kiss in front of St. James, Elmer is standing on the top right of the stairs; he's wearing a green shirt.
I wasn't there at the moment that Mark Peterson took the shot of Elmer in the driveway, so I can't explain what he was doing with the hoe.

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Suitland, Md.: Hey. Congratulations on a very nice special edition. Question, what do you think about the budget spent? Do you think is was particularly worth it to pay less/more on each of the weddings? Any expenses that you think are good to make? (wedding planner, music, food?).

Sandy, do you recommend me get a planner?

Sandy Fernandez: As I described, we totally blew our budget. Was it fun? Yeah. Beautiful? Yeah. Worth it? Hmmm. From this vantage point, I wish I had kept a more level head and was now carrying less debt. But the planner? It's going to vary person to person. For me it was totally worth it -- and would have been worth more if I had let her do her job.

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Washington, D.C.: My favorite thing about our wedding was that we did it in the early afternoon and we didn't leave for our honeymoon until the next day. My new husband and I were able to take a nap afterwards and then go out for a casual dinner, just the two of us. After that we met lots of friends (and half our wedding party) at a bar. It felt a little surreal, but we both agree that it was a great way to end what had otherwise been an over-stressed, hectic day. The best part was when we were kissing at the bar and someone yelled "get a room," I got to yell "we just got married."

Marcela Valdes: That's a lovely story. Many brides and grooms seem to prefer evening weddings these days, but afternoon weddings do have some great advantages.

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Chico, Calif.: Sandy: Sorry I'll be gone at discussion time, this is one I'd like to be involved in. My mom had a bridal shop for many years, a business she truly accidentally got in to. (My parents had another retail business in the same building.) I know planning a wedding can be overwhelming, but I was surprised at what seemed to me a passive-aggressive approach to your planner. People getting married are going to be able to make medical decisions for their spouse, yet can't seem to get their act together with planning and prep for their wedding.

I would have liked to hear from the wedding planner's perspective. We begged my mom for ages to get out of the business because of the toll it was taking on her. It helped ruin her health and my parents finances.

Dealing with customers who are the general public at one of the most high-stress times of their lives takes a certain type of entrepreneur. She has unbelievable stories of the fights with parents, bridesmaids, step-family members and so on. She had more than one bride try to return dresses (which are special order items altered to fit) claiming the wedding was cancelled or they had decided to elope -- when the dress was obviously worn and stained. Some of them had their wedding pictures wearing the same dress in the newspaper.

I believe in marriage and think weddings can be great, but people need to remember that it is one day, the marriage is what is important, debt not worth it. I'd hope that every bride could take a dose of Carolyn Hax's view of weddings to counteract the bridal industry magazines unreal visions.

Good articles. Thanks.

Sandy Fernandez: You said it.

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Suitland, Md.: Hello. I think Sarah is a gem -- she's the bride who spent $300 on her dress but paid for all her bridesmaids' dresses and was very understanding of her groom's anxieties. I hope the fellow is deserving.

Stephanie Booth: I think Sarah (and her friends and family) would definitely say yes.

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Takoma Park, Md.: Can you suggest good resources for people looking at low-key, less expensive weddings along the lines of the rockabilly wedding? My fiance is in grad school, we just bought a house, and we want to keep things simple but very fun. Most resources seem geared to people spending lots more than we are. Thanks.

Stephanie Booth: Sarah seemed to draw a lot of ideas from magazines, and not necessarily wedding mags, but home/garden/design pubs, too. She marked pictures of things she liked (like her bouquet) then worked with local vendors to get something similar, but within budget. That said, one trick might be to let your personal taste set a priority over some very specific items bride magazines and TV shows suggest.

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washingtonpost.com: Post Magazine: How Washington Weds

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Out of towner: Do any of you have information that would enable to you to comment (or direct me to info) about what seems like a surging wedding "industry" compared to years ago? My parents lived in a wonderful retirement community, where couples who moved in could include photos of their weddings, kids, etc., in a community album. I was struck by how simple most of the weddings seemed. Of course, many of these were during or before WWII. But in talking with mom and her friends, it was clear that the idea of 952 bridesmaids, bonbons that match the bridesmaids shoes (even mandatory matching dresses), limousines, etc., and certainly the idea of the "princess" bride all are relatively new developments.

I am curious about what has fed this, and what people find of value in the elaborate over the sentimental. I want to understand it, because I really don't.

Thanks.

Sandy Fernandez: I did some looking into this when putting the issue together. As I understand it: Up until WWII, weddings -- and especially receptions -- were pretty simple. Basically, you went back to the bride's parents' house, had some cake, and there it was. (Of course, society weddings were a different story.) After the war, in the 60s and 70s, the bigger-wedding trend died down. Then in the 80s there was Princess Diana's wedding, the booming 90s and, well, here we are. Anyone know any other great bits of wedding trivia?

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Fairfax, Va.: How much detail can I skip on a wedding? Is it appropriate or inappropriate to skip bouquet toss, dance, or even reception when a very small number of people to attend?

Sandy Fernandez: I think one of the things that drove me over the edge was worrying about what other people expectedWithinnm the rules of politeness -- don't make anyone feel left out, be gracious, that kind of thing -- you should feel free to do whatever your little heart desires.

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Washington, D.C.: I have to say, as a new wedding planner, I was shocked that you paid for a planner but couldn't communicate well with her. What was her policy had you decided you no longer wanted her a part of the planning process?

Sandy Fernandez: I'm not sure -- because it was never an issue for us. I wanted Natalie involved. Whatever the tensions, she was helping us a lot and I knew it.

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Seattle, Wash.: I have to say I think too many women make their weddings into an ordeal for no good reason. I planned my wedding in NYC in less than three months. We got married in Feb, when it's easier to get a caterer, location, dress. And why agonize about stuff like wedding colors or keepsake menus or glass vases to put over the menus? Fact is, no one remembers any of that stuff but the bride. We had a great (inexpensive) DJ, good food, a yummy cake, and everyone had a great time.

Stephanie Booth: It comes back to the original theme of the story: weddings hold a different meaning for everyone. Some see it as a good excuse for a party, or to bring family and friends together. To others, it's more an elaborate rite of passage where no cost is too small.

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Washington, D.C.: It seems like a lot of wedding planners were put off by your account, but I thought it captured a lot of what I've seen close friends go through with their wedding planners. In the end it's a mini- relationship between two people who need to communicate, but it can see how it can be hard. I think you got your point across that you were a little crazy and she's human. Some of her e-mails did sound a little passive-aggressive, but a planner isn't a robot.

It did make me laugh to remember my own brother's wedding though. I started to cry a little bit before I went down the aisle (I was a bridesmaid) and the planner grabbed my arm to make sure I was "okay to go down the aisle." As opposed to the stunt sister she would have put in?

Sandy Fernandez: That's a funny story!

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Washington, D.C.: Great stories, and thanks for including one about "old-fashioned" couples (we are out there). My observation was on Edgar and Allison's relative's comment -- I didn't think the difference in their courtship was so much a difference between "American" and "Latino" courtships, but between Catholic/Christians and more secular couples. Didn't you think Allison and Edgar's decisions were tied more to their faith and belief in marriage as a sacrament than to their cultural background?

Marcela Valdes: You're right to point out that many of Edgar and Allison's beliefs are not just Latino; they are the same as those of many other Americans. But I would say that the way Edgar and Allison choose to practice those beliefs is as tied to their cultural background as it is to their church. After all, the customs and habits we learn from our friends and family are pretty hard to escape, no matter where we're from.

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Alexandria, Va.: I've heard that hiring a wedding planner can actually save you money in the long run. Is that true?

Sandy Fernandez: I heard that too. I think it depends on who you pick. And if that's your goal, make sure to state it clearly at the beginning.

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Maryland: "The first is to include a small, business-card-sized announcement with the invitation. The announcement says "The bride and groom are registered at -- -- ""

No, no, no. That's still including it with the invitation and is therefore rude. Put it on Web sitete or do it by word of mouth. Just because you want people to know where you're registered doesn't mean you can fling etiquette out the window. If people want to know, they'll ask.

Marcela Valdes: Yes, clearly, some people wouldn't approve of the business-card-size announcement. I myself don't mind when I receive one of these; I find them to be practical for everyone involved.

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Alexandria, Va.: My friends and I loved Allison and Edgar -- we wish them a long, happy life together.

Marcela Valdes: Thanks. I'll be sure to tell them.

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Alexandria, Va.: Sandy, I have to ask -- what on earth are letter-press coasters?

Sandy Fernandez: A sign of insanity? Oh, darn it -- I still think they're pretty cute. They're paper coasters that have been printed by letterpress, like an invitation.

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Washington, D.C.: I've thrown dinner parties for 50 people for $300 (not including wine). Is $6,000 really necessary for a low-budget affair?

The biggest shock for me is invitations. Have you encountered any creative ways people have cut costs there?

Stephanie Booth: After a year of wedding planning, all those small expenses add up. As for cutting costs of invitations (which can be outrageously expensive): designing your own seems to be the way to go.

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New York, N.Y.: Wanting to avoid debt is admirable, and well-advised. That said, it seemed Sarah's theme was "wanting to have it both ways." It's tacky to hire a musician and then broadly hint she should forgive your debt (I cringed when she said "we're hoping that's her gift to us). At some point in any sort of traditional wedding (with dresses, with food, with attendants, etc.), you're going to have to pay some money and it's, well, tacky to fuss THAT much about it. It takes the joy out of it -- I sensed little joy in the groom because he was pennypinching so much. Have a completely private ceremony if you are really committed to paying as little as possible.

It's also hypocritical to proclaim a belief in atheism and then have a wedding in a chapel which, although not exactly the same as a church, is nonetheless the house of God and confers a societal approval greater than, say, a reception room.

Stephanie Booth: I think Sarah's desire to have her ceremony in the on-campus chapel came from the intense bond she feels with Sweet Briar. The chapel holds a significance to her apart from being a place of religious worship.

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Washington, D.C.: Here's my question, can a Wedding Planner get fairly compensated for the amount of craziness and verbal and emotional abuse that is inherent to the job? That's where it all seems to fall down in my opinion - other than that it's just an event planning task.

Sandy Fernandez: Just to give you a chill: When I told Natalie I'd felt like I was the craziest bride she'd ever dealt with, she laughed and said, "Oh, Sandy, no." Honestly, I can't imagine what that woman puts up with.

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Oxon Hill, Md.: What's the latest trend in engagement parties? Do some couples still have big, extravagant bashes or more intimate affairs with close friends and relatives? What's a great way to celebrate without seeming over-the-top or having a party that seems like a reception?

Marcela Valdes: Everything I hear seems to suggest that engagement parties are getting more and more elaborate. I myself had a small one however -- a friend's house with cocktails and cupcakes -- and it was marvelous. The way we made it different from our wedding: we told everyone they could wear blue jeans. Our best idea was to make everyone wear colorful name tags. We were mixing several different groups of people together and the name tags really helped break the ice.

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Sandy Fernandez: And on that note ... I think we're over our time limit now, so we have to go. Thanks for chatting with us.

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