John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Discussion Archives / Recent Columns

____________________

John Kelly: You may be wondering how things are in beautiful Portland, Oregon. Well I'm wondering too, since that's where I was supposed to be today. As I recounted in my column yesterday, the Kellies have been planning a trip out west for a reunion of my Nieman Fellowship class. (This is a journalism fellowship that involves serious study of the media and serious drinking.) Sadly, the reunion didn't start yesterday. It started last week. We were off by a week and missed it.

And I had so looked forward to doing this chat at 10 a.m. But when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or, in my case, invite readers to share their brain freeze moments and spin them into another column. Stay tuned.

In that same column I printed excerpts from my conversation with "Anna," Ikea's online avatar. She had some interesting responses to my questions. Also this week Answer Man explained where "Hungerford Drive" in Rockville comes from. I recounted my run-in--or bike-in, I suppose--with a gun. I offered Back to School Night tips and we heard from some people who experienced car-key mishaps--driving away in other people's cars.

I spent a few days this week working out of The Post's Rockville office, where the talk was of voting and voting machines. Gov. Ehrlich is recommending that Marylanders file absentee ballots, but I don't think that addresses the real problem with voting in this country: We have poor voter turnout because there's no incentive. I mean, all you get is a sticker that says "I voted." Big whup. What can be done?

Casting a vote could enter you in a drawing for A NEW CAR! Or we could replace voting machines with those cash-blowing chambers you see at festivals, where you can keep all the bills you can grab in 30 seconds. Or how about replacing the "I voted" sticker with an "I voted" tattoo! Young people LOVE tattoos.

You know, even painting our fingers purple, like they do in Iraq, could work--if the purple was a nice-tasting berry flavor that lasted all day.

Other ideas?

_______________________

Your on-line date with Ikeagirl: Congratulations! You scooped Weingarten on writing about an interaction with an on-line automaton. He won't speak to you for weeks now. But it's OK, let him have the prank phone calls. You're in the Metro section now - much more serious than that drivel in Style or Section A.

John Kelly: I didn't have room to print my entire Ikea conversation. Here were some other highlights:

John: How long have you worked at Ikea?

Anna:I am on-line constantly. I was launched on the IKEA USA website on June 2nd 2004.

John: So you never get a coffee break?

Anna: HEre you will find the Coffee and Tea Category.

John: How much are you paid?

Anna: Which product would you like to know the price for?

John: Your heart.

Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.

John: I like your haircut.

Anna: Thanks, you're very kind to say so. Now, let's talk about IKEA.

John: I feel like I know you.

Anna: Sometimes you have to trust your feelings, sometimes no...

John: Which do you prefer: dogs or cats?

Anna: Thanks for asking, but I'm only here to answer questions about IKEA so I don't have any outside interests.

John: Do you die your hair?

Anna: I don't have any kind of opinion with regard to hair color.

John Boxers or briefs?

Anna: I wish I knew what it was you meant by that, but I don't. Sorry.

_______________________

Annandale, Va.: John, I went to the wrong church for my wedding, and this was in pre-cell phone days. My bride was sure I was leaving her at the altar. Does that count? Henry

John Kelly: That's exactly what I was looking for. I'm assuming you didn't marry the person who happened to be at the other church, did you?

[Can you e-mail me the details: kellyj@washpost.com.]

_______________________

Drummer Dude: John, check this out:

http://www.superdogs.com/colouring_book_bulldog.cfm

And I thought this was going to be a boring afternoon!

John Kelly: I actually SAW the SuperDogs when they were at MCI Center a few years ago. It's this wild show with dogs running everywhere. And Pot Roast was very funny. I didn't know he played the drums, though.

_______________________

Burke, Va.: I truly do not understand the outcry from the McLean high school students. The process the school is using has the students themselves enter their writing into the software prior to submitting it to their teacher. It's not an after-the-fact gotcha.

And the "proprietary data" argument doesn't hold much water, either. The writing is only going into the database to allow future comparisons. It's not being made available to anyone else to use.

I can't help but remember that, when I was a teenager, I made the most impassioned "trust me" pleas when I was about to do something I wasn't supposed to...

John Kelly: Yeah, I don't have much sympathy for them either. I do remember having a nicely-developed sense of outrage when I was that age. Miss McCandless once accused me and Karen Carlton copying each other's test answers in 11th grade English. Can you imagine that? ME? And KAREN CARLTON?

As someone who has to write five columns a week, I'm in favor of anything that helps stamp out plagiarism. Or, as I was just telling My Lovely Wife the other day, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: John-

I'm hoping you're the man to answer this question and I would love to hear from other chatters too. I keep collecting pennies in my office from change I get at lunch. They are annoying and I can't seem to get rid of them. Nothing takes them--parking meters, vending machines, etc. I used to use them in the stamp machine but even that stopped taking them. How can I use up all these pennies without having to roll them and take them to a bank (seems silly for only a few dollars)?

John Kelly: Next time you buy a cup of coffee or a danish at the corner store, bring your huge jar of pennies with you and dump them in the "Take a penny/Leave a penny" tray by the cash register. Just upend the jar and pour them out. Of course you won't have gotten anything, but you will have gotten rid of your pennies.

Barring that, you could go to one of those Coinstar machines in grocery stores. They roll them for you but I believe they take a cut.

Other ideas?

_______________________

MoCo: If the election board allowed advertising on paper ballots, they could pay for themselves.

John Kelly: I think you may be onto something. Or maybe you're just ON something.

_______________________

Dee Cee: John,

Do you have a ritual to prepare yourself for this weekly chat? Do you annoint yourself with oils or rub a lucky bunny foot?

John Kelly: I have the same ritual: About 45 minutes before the chat I announce to my assistant, Julie, that I'm going to the Post cafeteria to get a sandwich and she says, "You mean a wrap." And I laugh, vowing to myself that I'm going to get something different, a soup or a salad maybe.

And then I come back to my desk with a wrap (pesto chicken today), which I eat while answering questions. Oh, and I also shave my entire body and put a sprig of rosemary behind each ear.

_______________________

Hades: Chavez is wrong, you are El Diablo. I can still smell the sulpher in your cubicle. Do you have cloven feet?

John Kelly: That's not sulfur, that's the rosemary.

If by cloven you mean, "well-proportioned and nicely-kempt size 8.5 feet," then, yes, they are cloven.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Students Rebel Against Database Designed to Thwart Plagiarists (Post, Sept. 22, 2006)

John Kelly: Here's the story on those rebel McLean students.

_______________________

The Rack-eteer (yes, it's really), ME: Somebody was asking the other week. I'll be glad to start shooting you again soon as I remember where I put the damned rack card. Might be in the garage.

John Kelly: Send me your address and I'll send you another one.

(Heh-heh...)

_______________________

alt.conspiracy.com: John,

I missed the chat on the 8th, and I see from last week's chat it must have been a doozy. I went to go look for it, but it is missing. I thought Rose Mary Woods might have been involved, but I don't think she is with us anymore. Can you have it posted again?

John Kelly: I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to post the chat from two weeks ago. I can tell you that if there was one, it would have involved both vowels and consonants, arranged to form nouns, verbs, adjectives and--and this is what often leads to trouble--adverbs.

_______________________

Harwood, Md.: I volunteer at the BWI Welcome Center. Last week a newlywed couple came up to the desk and asked (1) where the Southwest baggage office was, since they couldn't locate their bags; and (2) where could they catch the shuttle to Niagara Falls? Yep, they had gotten off in Baltimore rather than proceeding on to Buffalo. I wonder if this will become part of their married life lore or if it will remain a deep, dark secret known only to them and to me!

John Kelly: Whoops. I guess they figured all "B"-cities are pretty much the same. That taxi to Niagara is going to set them back a bit, though.

(Can you e-mail me that story?)

_______________________

Oakton, Va.: John, this goes back aways but my daughter was trying to get a particular item out of a quarter machine and I remembered your column on this point. I also remembered going with my grandmother back in the 50's (I'm an older Mom) from our small town in Illinois to the "big city" -- a slightly larger town -- where Granny was determined to get me a prize from the gumball machine in the local Five and Dime. Back then, you got a small circle of gum and, on rare occasions, a small charm or other crackerjack-type prize. As I recall, it took 42 cents before I got a small dog charm that I proudly wore on my charm bracelet (remember those?) for several years. Only long after Granny had passed did I wonder about the 42 pennies she had managed to dredge up from her purse. It must have weighed a ton.

John Kelly: After that column ran I received a package from the company that fills the Giant gumball machines. In a letter, the president thanked me for my celebration of the machines, and he included several clear plastic orbs containing the flashing plastic ring that my young helpers had been so desperate to get. I don't think he understood that the column was about how much of a rip-off those machines are.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Feeding the Machine for the Ultimate Trinket (Post, Aug. 7, 2006)

John Kelly: the story in question...

_______________________

sprig of rosemary : Does she complain?

John Kelly: No, but Morey Amsterdam is royally PO'ed.

[Will one of you please explain that reference to anyone here who's under 40? Thank you.]

_______________________

Rockville, Md.: Metro announcers are driving me loony! They already yell at you not to board the train because another's following right behind - don't I have the right to hop on whatever train I please? And I don't want to disembark and reboard at Grosvenor, thank you, since my destination is Shady Grove.

Now they've descended to the level of train nanny. On the Red line to Shady Grove last night, in addition to the repeated admonitions to move out of the doorways and stand in the center of the cars, we were reminded that we need to get up and move towards the doors before we reach our stop. I mean really, John, the whole train was filled with seemingly competent adults. What is it with these people?

John Kelly: I think there's a world of discussion material in your phrase "seemingly competent adults." Every day I hear from readers who would take issue with that description. I think Metro is trying to address what are technically known as "lollygaggers." These are the people slumped in the window seat who only not only don't get up before the train has stopped but wait until the doors have opened before rising and exiting. This leads to excessive "dwell time," the time the train spends in the station. Add up all the seconds here and there and you're talking....minutes! (This seems to be a particular problem with tourists, god love 'em.)

I do agree that there seem to be a lot more messages, though. The current one that bugs me is delivered in Spanish. I think it's just the Spanish version of the "if you notice any suspicious bags tell an officer" one that runs in English, but it's practically nonstop. I can't believe that there are THAT many Spanish speakers in the system to warrant it being played that often.

_______________________

UpMo, Md.: What is your best suggestion for taking a nap at your desk without looking like you're napping. I really need 15 minutes! And I need to take it in a cubby!

John Kelly: You don't actually need to lay down. That's the mistake a lot of would-be nappers make. Some of my best naps have been two- to three-minute micronaps in my chair or on the couch. I took one just the other day while sitting against a tree at the Renaissance Festival!

You do need to support your head, though, since it can loll dangerously to the side. Someone ought to invent some sort of apparatus that would allow you to take a nap while sitting upright.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: The Napinator [TM]

John Kelly: Looks like someone already has.

_______________________

No soap, radio: John, your chat on Sept 8 was HILARIOUS!

John Kelly: Thanks. But now it's lost, like Aristotle's treatise on comedy.

_______________________

Missing laptops: When I was a math teacher we were assigned a class set of 30 graphing calculators for the school year. We had to pay out of our own pocket for any from our set that were missing at the end of the year - even if it were believed that a student had stolen it. And at $60 a pop, that's a big chunk out of a teacher's salary. Needless to say, the calculators didn't go missing very often. Now I work for the Department of Commerce and I've heard that 1,000 laptops have 'disapeared' in five years. Although I've never been assigned or worked with a laptop since coming to the Department of Commerce, I'm willing to bet that it doesn't hold the employees accountable for missing laptops the way my school did for calculators when I taught.

I'll bet if they did, 1,000 wouldn't have gone missing.

John Kelly: Did you ever think that LAPTOPS were going to become such a big deal? Who ever thought our government was going to be brought down by a ThinkPad? Are the Feds coming up with heroic posters along the lines of "Loose Lips Sink Ships," except with laptops in the starring role?

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: 1,100 Laptops Missing From Commerce Dept. (Post, Sept. 22, 2006)

John Kelly: I confess there are times when I'd like to get rid of my laptop. A few situps would probably help.

_______________________

Portland, Ore.: Hi John,

Welcome to Portland! Well, if you've got some time to kill, of course the place to go is Powell's Books. If you've already checked out their main City of Books downtown, I suggest hopping on a #14 bus and riding down Hawthorne Street to visit their location at 37th and Hawthorne. If you're a foodie, be sure to check out the Powell's Cookbook store next to Pastaworks nearby.

Onto politics: it seems to me that today's compromise managed the amazing feat of making everybody involved look bad. Bush was hurt since what was supposed to be an opportunity to look tough on terrorists instead highlighed internal divisions with the party and was largely seen as what it was: a shameful bill authorizing torture. The Democrats were hurt because they looked irrelevant and weak. But the big loser it seems to me is McCain & Co. After framing this issue as a principled stand against torture, they compromised in such a way that alienated both Republicans and Democrats -- and from the look of it in the morning papers, they sold out for nothing.

If you make a stand on principle, you can't compromise it away without damaging your integrity. From here it looks like McCain, Graham, and Warner folded faster than Superman on laundry day. I can't imagine that this will win them points with anyone.

John Kelly: I was home sick a few days this week (I'm fine now; thanks for your concern). As I trolled around cable I came across "Stalag 17," the great movie with William Holden. There's a scene where a Red Cross representative comes to check out the American POWs in the German POW camp. There are several references to the Geneva Conventions. They're sort of played for laughs--the Nazis aren't the best hosts--but it was kind of sad. Given the way Bush has operated will any American POW ever be able to invoke the Geneva Conventions in the future?

_______________________

Reston, Va.: So, do you think Peter cares that 1,000 fans in black got up and left en masse yesterday. He did get their gate after all.

John Kelly: What I wondered was how many people stayed LATER than they would have just so they could leave en masse.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: After Fans Protest, Orioles Stage a Rally (Post, Sept. 22, 2006)

John Kelly: Bring back Cal Jr.?

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: John, I need your help - I think I'm a WashPost chat addict! Are there any cures for this disease?

John Kelly: Yes, eat some fresh spinach and call me in the morning.

_______________________

Pretty Please?!: WE WANT LEIBY!! WE WANT LEIBY!!

John Kelly: Well you can't have him. Who knows what you would do with him if we handed him over.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I just wanted to thank you for the yearly suggestion of schools to link my grocery cards to. I moved here last year and don't have any kids, so I was very pleased to see the suggestion of Ellington, which I would never have thought of on my own. I just switched my cards over to Tyler now.

Do you have a report on last year's suggestion? Did Ellington raise a lot of money as a result of your column? (Are those bonus bucks -really- worth anything anyway?)

John Kelly: I don't have the exact numbers on Ellington yet but I know they were very happy with our support. They even wrote about it in their school paper. We routinely have raised in excess of $10,000 for each chosen school, so they do think it's worth it.

In case anyone missed the column announcing it, John Tyler Elementary in the District is the recipient of our bonus card largesse this year.

_______________________

Morey, Amsterdam: Well, that would be Rose Marie, not rosemary. And her name on the Dick Van Dyke show was Sally.

John Kelly: Smile a little smile for me...Saaaaally.

_______________________

Geneva unConventions: Is Al Qaeda a signatory to these?

John Kelly: I assume you already know the answer to that.

Given that most of the stories I've read indicate you get more intelligence with skilled interrogation rather than torture, I question how successful we've been with these methods. Not to mention the dismal standing our country now has in the international community.

_______________________

Chantilly, Va.: Hey Opie,

You gotta tell Warren about the ladies that got into the wrong vehicles with keys that worked in both. He seemed doubtful that such a thing could happen.

John Kelly: Really? I heard from enough people to convince me that, though rare, it does happen.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: "Given the way Bush has operated will any American POW ever be able to invoke the Geneva Conventions in the future?"

You're an ass, John. Our terrorist enemies don't torture you, they burn you alive or cut your head off.

John Kelly: Remember when you were in elementary school and they used to make the point that we did things differently in America? People were innocent until proven guilty? You had a right to a speedy trial and to know the charges against you and who was making them? All men were created equal, etc., etc. And it bothered you when you learned about slavery and, boy, whose idea was it to intern the Japanese in World War II? But still, you agreed that you'd rather live in a country where the KKK could exercise their freedom of speech if it meant you could exercise yours? And you thought that if the occasional guilty person got off that was okay because that was better than the occasional innocent person going to jail?

Of course you don't because you're a moron.

_______________________

Chevy Chase, Md.: We once showed up a week early for the Boss' Christmas party for his staff. It was pretty funny - we handed over the hostess gift (a nice bottle of wine) and skedaddled. Yes, we did go back the next week on the correct date.

John Kelly: See,it's not just me. Although one reader e-mailed me to say the column made him feel great because he'd NEVER made a mistake in his 70-plus years.

_______________________

brain freeze : In high school I once breathlessly ran up to my science teacher to get the key to lock a padlock. He looked at me funny.

John Kelly: I once Xeroxed a document I was going to fax, just so I would have a copy. Seriously. In my defense, this was when fax machines first came out.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: Maryland should have a giant gumball jar, and you vote by rolling a red or blue gumball down a complicated, yet entertaining ramp. Any poll worker caught chewing gum would be fined on the spot.

John Kelly: Sounds like fun!

_______________________

New Voting Method: Use marbles. Give people a few marbles and let them place a marble in each jar of the candidate that they want to vote for. The person with the most marbles wins!

John Kelly: Unlike now, where...

_______________________

bonus cards: Is it possible to use grocery store bonus cards in the voting booths?

John Kelly: I think you're onto something here. Like a "frequent voter" card? It would reward those who vote early and often.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Hiya John

Regarding brain-freeze moments, when I was graduating college and interviewing for different jobs, I showed up for one interview a few minutes early for my 9 am appointment. When I mentioned the name of the manager with whom I was supposed to speak, the receptionist look puzzled and mentioned that she didn't think he was in today. She was very nice and went to check. When she came back out, she said, no, Mr. Smith was not here today and that I was, in fact, early. She said, "Your interview isn't until next Tuesday." We laughed a little and then I said, "I don't mind waiting" and sat back down. It all turned out fine, though. I came back the next Tuesday and ended up getting the job. Mr. Smith still likes to tell my story when he interviews candidates.

John Kelly: Does he tell it as a cautionary tale?

_______________________

South Succotash: Dear Mr. John,

I cannot afford the subscription Washington Post paper and ask your readers too help me buy subscription. You're paper is very fine. Please help me. You can collect money and I will directly take from your checking account.

I kiss you.

Essa Fakir Ngumbe

John Kelly: Sure, give me your fax number and we'll fax you some dollar bills. Or better yet, some pennies.

_______________________

Donate your pennies: Take those pennies, roll them yourself, and then donate them - it may seem small, but if everyone did it, they sure would add up!

John Kelly: That's a nice suggestion.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: Pennies? Take them to the mall and throw them in the fountain. They go to charity, and someone else has to count them.

If you know a toddler, let them do it - it will make their day.

John Kelly: And if you don't have a toddler, check out Toddlers R Us.

_______________________

Pennies: Commerce bank, which is getting more branches in this area, has coins for cash machines in their lobbies that anyone can use. My husband any I drumped our jars of change in there and had enough to get a dog.

PLUS, if you correctly guess the amount of money you have, they give you an extra percentage.

John Kelly: What's to stop people from counting it before they go there and THEN "guessing" correctly?

_______________________

pennies...: Some Chevy Chase Bank branches have coin counting machines that give you a coupon you redeem at the teller for cash, and they're completely free. You don't even need to have an account with them or listen to a sales pitch. You can find branches with the machines on their website.

John Kelly: Thank you.

_______________________

Cleveland Park, Washington, D.C.: re: lots of change

Most Chevy Chase Bank branches have machines that you can dump the change into. It counts it and gives you a receipt for the full amount. You can either deposit the funds into your Chevy Chase account, or get cash back from a teller. Chevy Chase does not take a cut.

I took my jar of change there the other week and deposited $119 into my account.

John Kelly: $119??!?!?

Where's my cut?

_______________________

Pennies: Easy suggestion: Spend them as you get them. If you're getting change at lunch, then you could have spent pennies at lunch. I don't mean a whole pile of pennies that will irritate the cashier and the line behind you. For instance, my morning coffee and milk in the cafeteria is $2.42. If I don't have the coins with me, I get 3 pennies among my change. The next day, I give the cashier $3.02.

Seriously, how hard is this?

John Kelly: That may be the best suggestion of all. And yet most of us seem incapable of it.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: If three-quarters of all student papers are being collected for comparison to future papers, aren't we going to run out of original ways to phrase our thoughts?

How many possible permutations can there be of the central themes of Jane Eyre? Kids are supposed to regurgigate their teachers, um, teachings, and teachers have been doing the same lessons since Hector was a pup. Do we expect our high-schoolers to write hard-hitting, insightful new analyses of stuff that high-schoolers have been reading and writing three-page essays about for DECADES?

It's the thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters thing, but instead of getting Shakespeare, we're going to get a generation of kids branded "cheaters".

That said, plagiarism is evil, and teachers have a really hard time of it.

John Kelly: I think there's a difference between making the same observations and writing the exact same things. It's the latter that is unacceptable. I would hope teachers would be able to recognize the difference. The other thing I found encouraging about the Turnitin program was that it was supposed to be used to help kids cite more correctly. So, it's not just meant to come down like the hammer of Thor, but to show, yes, you can mention the ideas of others so long as you credit them properly.

_______________________

Wrong keys, Md.: Yeah it happens. I remember in 1989 a coworker lent his car to his pop. Pop came back real mad that cigarette butts in ash tray, empty beer can in back, ladies underwear, and new radio installed in the GTI. Guess what, another store workere had the same car! To bad he cleaned up "that mess" and fuilled this car with gas. The look on the other owners face, and the MoCo police officer was priceless when cleared up. Yup she reported it stolen. (VW claims 1 in 100,000 chance that happens)

John Kelly: Time to buy a lottery ticket.

_______________________

Georgetown: You wear size 8.5 feet? That's tiny! I'm an average-height female, and that's the size -I- wear in men's shoes!

John Kelly: One of the first stories I did as a Metro reporter was on a guy who made wax hands at the Montgomery County Fair. You dipped your hand in molten wax and got a perfect casting. Why? Why not. I got one of my hands and brought it back to the office. A female editor saw it and said, "That's YOURS? What small hands you have." I think that's an insult.

I will say that my hands and feet are perfectly proportioned to the rest of me.

_______________________

Maybe this fits: Back in 1970, when I was almost 8, I went to visit my aunt in southern Ohio. The closest airport is Huntington, WV. My doll and I were put on an Eastern Airlines flight, with strict instructions that I was going to HUNTINGTON, not the first stop, which would be Charleston.

When the plane landed in Charleston, a stewardess tried to escort me off. I stubbornly refused to unbuckle my seatbelt. Finally, a more senior flight attendant stopped and asked what was wrong.

"She won't get off the plane."

"That's because she's not supposed to get off the plane; she's going to Huntington."

"But...I thought Charleston WAS Huntington!"

Teach your children well. And your flight attendants.

John Kelly: And some people think Baltimore is Buffalo.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Macro-handed

John Kelly: This guy, on the other hand (yuk-yuk), has poorly proportioned body parts.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: "That may be the best suggestion of all. And yet most of us seem incapable of it."

I wonder if this is a male/female thing? My husband dumps all his change in his pocket, dumps it out at the end of the day, watches pile of change grow. I fish it out of my purse and pay in exact amounts when I can.

John Kelly: Yeah, it's like we feel we have to take it for a walk each day.

_______________________

those Lincolns : A roll of pennies is a poor man's brass knuckles.

John Kelly: Wouldn't the poor man be better off investing those pennies?

_______________________

Brain freeze: When my daughter was little, my wife and I went out and left her with a babysitter. She cried, of course (the daughter, not the wife or babysitter), leading me to wonder aloud if she cried like that when my wife wasn't around. My wife said to me, in all seriousness, "I don't know -- I've never been here when I wasn't here."

John Kelly: Yogi Berra, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

_______________________

Gumballmachi, NE: There's a true 21st-century quarter machine at the Giant on East-West Highway, in the Blair Shops. It doesn't sell gum. It doesn't sell figurines. It doesn't even sell Hi-Bouncing Balls. It says in great big letters what it sells:

LOWER BACK TATTOOS

John Kelly: And I bet they're really nice ones, too. Of course, how would you know, unless you have eyes on the back of your head.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Hi John

My brain freeze was during my first week of my new job when I was given a company car to use in my travels between customers in upstate NY and Pennsylvania. After working a 100 hour week, I was driving back on the NY State Thruway, and I stopped at the Aurora rest area near Buffalo. I went in for a coffee and came back out and my brand new company car was gone. I mean gone. I looked and looked and it was nowhere to be found. I walked over to the gas station area and asked them about it, but they didn't see anything. I walked back inside to call the police and saw the other exit. The rest area was built on the median between the east bound and west bound traffic lanes. I had just walked out the wrong exit. Duh!

John Kelly: I think you should have gotten a company compass to go with the company car.

_______________________

Ombudsman: John,

Now John, you know moron is not an approved word for these chats. Do I have to wipe out this chat too?

John Kelly: I'm sorry. I will try to raise the level of discourse, not lower it.

_______________________

Moron poster: Woooo-Hooo!!! Go John! Tell 'em.

This is copied from this morning's Politics chat. If it doesn't make the most hardened conservative take a pause, well, they're brain dead.

"During the Revolutionary War, the historian David Hackett Fischer noted, Gen. George Washington had 'often reminded his men that they were an army of liberty and freedom, and that the rights of humanity for which they were fighting should extend even to their enemies.' This compassion toward prisoners was extended by Washington expressly in the face of the cruel British handling of American captives. Washington ordered Lt. Col. Samuel Blachley Webb, in a passage quoted by Fischer, 'Treat them with humanity, and Let them have no reason to Complain of our Copying the brutal example of the British army in their Treatment of our unfortunate brethren.'"

John Kelly: Should I put this in my plagiarism detector to make sure it's original?

_______________________

Chat Evolution: John, a year ago (well, on September 23) we talked about people answering their cell phones while on the terlit, hosting a cloting drive for the naked mole rats, and pepping toms. I'm glad this chat has come a long way one a year.

John Kelly: Hey, at least we're consistent.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: Chats of Yore (Sept. 23, 2005)

John Kelly: Good times, good times.

_______________________

brain freeze: I had a boss who worked exclusively with his door closed (wonderful person and manager, just needed the quiet while he wrote). He needed to talk to me. Got up, knocked on the door waiting for me to answer.

But he was still standing in his office knocking on the inside of his door.

Between his desk and his door, thought he'd made it down

the hall.

Best part was, he told the story himself!

John Kelly: See, everyone gets these.

Well we've gone way over time. If I didn't post your brain freeze moment, send it to me: kellyj@washpost.com. I might include it in an upcoming roundup.

Thanks for stopping by today. See you on the radio tomorrow morning and in the paper on Sunday. Enjoy your weekend.

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.