Being a Black Man: Dating and Relationships
Tuesday, October 10, 2006; 11:30 AM
At 31, attorney Robyn Thorpe isn't sure she's ready to be married yet. But since she knows she wants to be married someday, she makes it her business to put herself in a places where she can meet black men. However, for every 100 single black women, there are only 70 single black men, according to recent Census figures that do not count the prison population or men living in group homes.
Thorpe, who grew up in Allentown, Pa., and attended Penn State University and North Carolina Central University School of Law, is a panelist for a Washington, D.C.-produced TV show called The Urban Flow.
On Tuesday, Oct. 10 at 11:30 a.m. ET, Thorpe discussed her dating experiences as recounted by Post reporter Krissah Williams in "Singled Out ," the latest installment of the "Being a Black Man" series. You can also hear Thorpe, Williams and author Natalie Hopkinson discuss dating on Washington Post Radio.
Suburban Virginia: Why does the typical black male father kids, then bolt from their responsibilities? I bet you see a lot of black men with kids out there in your dating adventures. Just sayin'
Hey, good luck.
Robyn Thorpe: I do meet men who have children and even though the men are not with their ex-girlfriends or wives, I find that most men I come into contact with are in their children's lives and try their best to be good fathers. What does raise my eyebrows, is meeting a father and him telling me that he only dates women with no children. Oh the irony of the dating game.
Washington, D.C.: I think black men have high rates of dating outside of the race because their mentality can be likened to black kids in the doll experiment. Remember the psychological experiment with black kids, where black kids preferred white baby dolls to black dolls? The same thing goes for many black men and even African men. For many centuries, the African-American woman was treated as if she was not "beloved" or a "Trophy" - but as someone to degrade, whorize, and made to work as a slave, and exploited sexually by the slave master whereas White women were prized.
I've noted that many African men have these same views - and will call a black woman a slave, wench, etc., and a white woman a "prize". This is where I differ from Ms. Robyn and would not look to Africa to find a prince. It's because these men have low self esteem themselves that they are this way. Alot of blue collar black men, who are not college educated often tend to be seen with white girls as well.
Black American women are at a disadvantage in American society because of the social conditioning, and because of the stigma attached to their gender and history at the hands of oppression. That is why I'm thankful that I as a black woman have options still in terms of dating and a mate. I don't believe the hype. Even if the numbers are skewed, I will not settle.
Robyn Thorpe: Black American women are at a disadvantage in American society because of the social conditioning, and because of the stigma attached to their gender and history at the hands of oppression. That is why I'm thankful that I as a black woman have options still in terms of dating and a mate. I don't believe the hype. Even if the numbers are skewed, I will not settle.
Wow great share, so much! You are going into the historical aspects of the color complex and interracial relations and thanks for doing that. I don't agree with your particular perceptive but agree that all these issues can play a part in the dating game.
Also thanks for letting me clarify some things. I have been to Africa before and I am not going to Nigeria and Ghana to find a prince, I am going because I love to visit African countries and interact in my Motherland. I am going there to chill and have fun. It is my favorite vacation destination.
Washington, D.C.: I'm a 35 year old BW who decided to exercise my options and to marry outside the culture (African). My gfs who are in relationships are also coupled with non-Black men. I think more Black women should do the same.
We can't fix what's been broken. We may never have the ole-school love our parents had. It may take a lot of extra work. Our friends may not embrace our choices. That's okay. But judging from the stats and from our own experiences isn't it time that Black women start broadening our own horizons??? I'm sorry but it's sad to see a 45 year old never-been-married sista talking about the virtues of not settling. We gotta start taking risks and finding love in new places.
Robyn Thorpe: I agree but we have to do it our own way. Broadening for me is by economic situation, for you it is by race.
Baltimore, Md.: Robyn, I found your article very interesting. As a single man living in Baltimore I find myself in the same predicament as you and some of your friends. I am haunted by the quote "All of life is a dispute over taste and tasting." It seems as a young professional Black Man I am torn between the variety of women that are attracted to me and the women I am attracted to. I do date but lately I find that the dating scene is losing its luster and find myself thinking if it is all worth it. I know what I want but cannot seem to find her. I am growing weary of the search but I love the chase and I do not want to settle for something less. Couple this with the fact that I am starting law school soon; I don't know how the search, or the chase for that matter, is going to continue. I feel like although I have options those options do not fit my needs. What advice would you have for meeting women, who like you, are seriously looking?
Robyn Thorpe: If you like the chase, then you are not ready to settle down so just be honest about how much you are willing to give to a woman. Also determine if the qualities you are looking for in a woman are not qualities that you should be developing in yourself. If you have it, you will not need it from another person. You are looking for someone to compliment me not complete me.
Also if you are heading to law school then you need to stop chasing anyway. You don't have the time!
And to answer your question, women like me are everywhere, so you will see us at a play, museum concert, lecture, or club, but the only way that you know that we are serious about being in a relationship is by getting to know us and asking us.
I appreciate everyone's different experiences and situations. However, I often hear black women commenting that there aren't any "good" black men out there and often wonder if these women are as "good" as they think they are. I can only comment on what I know, and I do know that some of my single girlfriends who desperately want to be married aren't ready for that type of relationship because of self esteem issues, superficial focuses, etc. Many (not all) of these women also tend to only want to date a man who has a particular status. Nothing is wrong with having standards, but when those standards are superficially based, I think it is detrimental. Who knows, your soul-mate may be the man who drives the Honda rather than the Benz.
I think that many black women think they have "got it going on" because they have the degrees and the nice job. Unfortunately, those accolades do not provide one with the self-esteem, morals and character necessary to be a healthy and attractive partner.
I am 25-years-old, engaged and will be married next year. I never put alot of focus on finding a man, but instead focused on making myself a better human being. I allowed life to take its course and didn't set superficial standards that my future mate needed to meet in order for me to date him.
Robyn Thorpe: You have a great perspective and just share it with your single friends.
Washington, D.C.: What is so wrong with a man not being "into fat women"? Why does that make him shallow? Is it not true that you can tell a lot about someone based on external characteristics such as posture, speech/diction, tidiness, and body fat?
Robyn Thorpe: The poem was suppose to be in praise of all Black women and then it had a disclaimer, just the small ones. I was just struck by the irony that all equated small. If you are not into fat women then don't approach them.
Hampton Roads, Va.: I am the 16th of 18 (yes, 18) Black children, 12 of whom are married to their first spouses and 2 have never been married. We are all very dark. 8 have married other Blacks and the rest married other races, including whites, Hispanics, Asians and mixed. Bottom line, race is only one component of what makes for a good marriage or relationship. I'm a Black woman professional, was open to dating all races, eventually married a White professional whose outlook, interests and goals are similar to my own. For those who call my beautiful children "mongrels," I say, get over it. There's no one size fits all answer. If you cut yourself off from any possibility, you may lose one of your perhaps infrequent chances for a good happy marriage.
Robyn Thorpe: Believe it or not I completely agree with you. Race is only one component of what makes a good marriage or relationship. You decided that marrying a Black man was not a priority, and that is your right. You also decided that your outlook, interests and goals were not intertwined with your being Black and that is your right too.
My choice to not attempt to date white men is not based on any hatred or distrust of the white community. I would never attempt to alienate any human being based on their color and I would never call any person a mongrel, and if that had happened to you, it is a pity that you had to deal with such hateful people. My desire to have a Black mate is based on my love for my people and is not a judgment call on other people. Just as you decided that being Black was just a color, and does not color your outlook on life, your interests and your goals, I have come to a different opinion and that is my right. Being Black is more than my complexion and that I want a Black man who feels that his African heritage does color who he is and does shape his outlook, interests and goals. So what you call cutting off, should really be called settling for what I don't want, which would not be fair to the man or me. Maybe I will change my POV about having a Black man one day but today is not the day. I think we all have infrequent chances for good happy marriages and I am glad that you have one. And I liked your family example of dating and marrying interracially to other people of color. Interracial dating is not a Black man or White man option. I have family members who have married other people of color and are very happy.
Vienna, Va.: I migrated to USA from an Islamic country about 20 years ago.
It saddens me very much that women here in USA do not take the opportunity that this open society provides to them in pursuing or showing interest in opposite sex.
For example, your article, mentions that you waited for this man to make his move at the club and also mentioned that you like to be pursued, feel wanted etc.
I believe that men expect the same. No one should be pursuing any one. It should be a level playing field. A woman should show her interest in men and not just act like an "object". What do you say?
Robyn Thorpe: to each his own, it is not my personality to pursue. If I come up to you, I have decided to put you in the friend zone. Maybe I will change but right now, nope.
Laurel, Md.: Good early afternoon, I am a 29 year old married black man and respectfully speaking after reading the article I was disappointed in alot of the things I read as far as the people's attitudes. There seemed to be a general attitude amongst the Men and Woman(both) interviewed of "you got one chance to make it happen and if you don't fit into my box of education, looks, etc. then you are short". My question is this. What role is faith and spiritually playing in your pursuit of a mate?
Robyn Thorpe: I am a spiritual person, and I talk to God about helping me become a good person in order to attract a good person. I never pray up a man, that isn't me. I pray for spiritual growth every day.
Williamsburg, Ky.: Enough of this "Waiting to Exhale" argument. Those Black women who are unmarried must look inwards and ask themselves why they are still single. Maybe it is because of their fake hair, weight problems, attitudes, or out-of-wedlock children. All of your problems can't be blamed on the Black man. Stop agonizing over the numbers, lose some weight and maybe you can find a good Black man.
Robyn Thorpe: I don't blame Black men for why I am still single, it is because of my relationship choices and still not finding or recognizing the man who will fit me.
Alexandria, Va.: It was alarming to read the article on Sunday. I sent it to several friends across the country...and said, "you know it's an epidemic when it makes the front page of The Post." Do you find dating in the Wash. Metro Area more difficult than other areas in the country? I find that black men here are of a different breed when it comes to dating in this area...maybe the smorgasbord effect is stronger here than in other areas. You are definitely not a lone solider...your experiences are so similar to mine that it's eerie...
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks sister I appreciate that! The reason that it was on the cover of the Post was because it is an aspect of Black life and that is the focus of the series, not because it is an epidemic.
Daly City, Calif.: In the introduction, it says there are only 70 black men for every 100 black women, implying the black women have very limited options. Why are you mentioning race in this context, and why are you segregating society into racial groups; after all, shouldn't black women, for example, be able to date non-black men?
Robyn Thorpe: The way the article reads was the choice of the Washington Post and they can answer that. What I can say is that the series is looking at Black men and so the article and statistics were suppose to address them.
About Black women being able to date non-black men, of course they should if that is what they want. Who am I to tell anyone else who to love and marry, and who is anyone else to tell me who to love and marry.
Alexandria, Va.: I am a beautiful Black woman who truly believes that "Black is Beautiful" and wants to have beautiful Black children with a handsome Black father -- and I'm very flexible in my definition of "handsome"! But for the reasons set forth in your article, I'm starting to wonder if this is ever going to happen. My solution has been to adopt 2 beautiful children and make sure they are exposed to strong Black men to serve as role models, regardless of whom I might eventually marry. Any man willing to take on the responsibility of helping me raise them, regardless of his race, will have demonstrated his "Blackness," regardless of his color, assuming he also meets my other criteria. Regardless, I am now part of a loving family and could not be happier. I realize this may not be an option for everyone, but I make a good living and have a close network of family and friends so, for me, it has worked out very well.
Robyn Thorpe: Great story and thanks for sharing! I can see that you are loving your life and that the family that you created with your children is not a "in the meantime" situation. This is your live and it is rich, and I am sure that it you let that happiness shine through there will be a man who wants to share in it. Gook Luck.
I love children and want a family and if I have not met someone to marry by the time I want children, I plan to adopt too, I just don't have a timeline for that decision.
Washington, D.C.: How could it have worked with the blue collar guy?
Robyn Thorpe: Yes and no, it could have become a marriage but it would have been a marriage full of miscommunication and hurt feelings from both parties. We still love each other but he has helped me learn that love is not enough. Not to knock blue collar brothers, cause I can't, but this relationship was not ideal for both of us.
New York City: One comments about Robyn's last boyfriend. I'm married to a black female lawyer, and guess what, when we're out with her friends (& their spouses) from law school or her firm I act in a similar fashion. The reason being, most of these people I have zero in common with. BTW, I have an MBA from Wharton and earn 4x what these senior associates do, so it's not about the money. I love a good movie, regardless if it's a bootleg or not, and I love a clean home. Let's not get caught up in the small stuff.
Robyn Thorpe: haha! The bootleg comment was based on he bought a bootleg copy of a Black movie I wanted to support by us going to the theater and buying tickets but instead, this movie appeared to be a dud because people like my ex were at home chilling with a bootleg copy.
Baltimore, Md.: I'm a Black woman who turned to dating White men only after I was maltreated by a number of Black men, all of whose wishes for a submissive female bordered on the abusive (this includes those with far inferior education and earning capacities). I have female friends of all races and the interesting thing is, these same men do not seem to desire such submissiveness when they are dating White women! I say, date whoever makes you happy; but also realize that a lot of people are uncomfortable with interracial dating/marriage, so plan accordingly. True love can conquer all but this is easier if you plan ahead on how to deal with potential problems, including the disapproval of other people you hold dear.
Robyn Thorpe: I respect the advice that you are giving me but it makes me pause because the fact that they were Black does not equate abusive and to say that you have cut off all Black men instead of all abusive men kind of misses the boat to me.
Washington, D.C.: Do you think there is a correlation between skin complexion and marriage rates. For example, are fair skinned African American women more likely to be married than their counterparts with darker complexions?
Robyn Thorpe: I think that the color complex in the Black community is an issue that has to be addressed and that a complexion preference of light/ fair skin Black women is still in play in the dating arena. But I find that every man is different, and that while Black men and women may have a complexion that they are immediately attracted to, and I mean dark or fair, because I have just as many friends who prefer dark skin partners, I don't have any friends who have verbalized to me that they ended a potential relationship because of color.
Bowie, Md.: I thought it was a copout excuse for you to say that because of how "the man" separated the black man and the black woman during slavery decades ago, that this is the cause of the situation right now where the black woman has to learn to live and survive without the black man.
This statement has no parallel with your situation with your exboyfriend. He made a conscious decision to forgo his higher education, but instead, become an appliance installer. If he had followed your route of higher education, I'm sure he would not have felt awkward at your white collar/stuffy social gatherings. It was your "friends" who lack the tolerance to go beyond their clique and social circles to embrace someone who's different from them, and this has nothing to do with color or slavery.
Robyn Thorpe: First of all there is not enough room in the paper to explain all the reasons that Black men and women are choosing to live as single people longer. I was asked my point of one I thought one of the historical reasons is and I gave my answer. I do believe that the Black community has behaviors and views that are a legacy of Slavery and Jim Crow.
I didn't make that comment to explain my relationship with my ex boyfriend, my ex and I had several different issues that made us an incompatible match. I admitted that class was an issue that got in the way but it wasn't the only issue, and that fact that my friends didn't embrace him was not enough for me to break up with him. It was our different points of view on many issues that caused our break up.
Class is a serious issue and issues of class are potential minefields in the dating scene because defining class is so subjective.
Washington, D.C.: Hi Robyn--
Forgive me if I sound a bit cheeky, but I need to understand. I am a UK expat, black male, and I don't understand why a woman would think she is more of a "prize" than a man is? African-American women have confused me since my arrival with the idea that they are "worth" more than the men who are pursuing them. I think there would be less single black women if they realized that they are imperfect and approached men with that same aspect. Who wants to wait their entire lives for a man to approach them when you can do the work much faster? Additionally, if there are more single black women and less single black men, wouldn't the man be the prize? Thanks.
Robyn Thorpe: HAHA! it is who I am, and I am worth approaching. and you do sound cheeky but I like it. A good mate is a prize either way around!
Rockville, Md.: Today's black women has, for the most part, learned how to obtain degrees, careers, a house and car, and raise a child. She has not yet, for the most part, learned that it takes a completely different skill-set to attract a good mate, which starts from making good choices (leave the criminals, mamas boys alone, and bad boys). Once they learn this, we'll all be better for it. The bad boys will then realize they're not being selected. As of today, they are.
Robyn Thorpe: Great Comment! I agree with you that degrees and careers do not give a person the skill sets need to deal with a mate.
Maryland: Wesley Snipes once said in an interview that black African-American women are too much troubles. Do you agree?
Robyn Thorpe: Yes, I would agree that Wesley Snipes felt that African American women are too much trouble for him. Do I think he or I can speak to the amount of "trouble" Black women are? No.
Washington, D.C.: It must truly be tough. I talk to a lot of my female friends. Almost all of them tell me that once you subtract the downright undesirables (numerous kids, jail, both), you then have to figure out the brothers on the DL. And since they are on the DL, you can not effectively estimate how many of them there are. I am an early 30ish professional black male. It is absolutely heaven for us. I could marry at least three women tomorrow. But with these kind of numbers on my side, why rush and why settle?
Robyn Thorpe: I feel bad for you because if you have three to pick from, you have no clue about what makes these women special and unique. You are not in the great situation you think you are.
Washington, D.C.: May I offer some unsolicited advice.
Stop trying to find love and marriage in the club scene. You are very unlikely to end up in a happy marriage there.
Robyn Thorpe: Not looking for love in the club, but a great time. But thanks for the advice.
Washington, D.C.: If you want to know why certain black American men date non-black American women; just ask.
One of the greatest myths black American women have created that allows them to avoid any introspection, is to claim that black men who are not interested in dating them lack self-esteem.
Well my self-esteem is just fine. I do date black women and other women of color; just not black American women.
If a male interacted with me the way I have experienced and observed black American women do with their mate or significant other, things would get physical in a heart beat.
With two degrees, travels to Africa, Europe, Asia and the Middle East, fluency in French and knowledge of German, Arabic, Chinese, Amharic; a job that allows me to travel around the world; why in the world would I want to hook up with someone who considers me a member of the canine species.
In the era of globalization, a passport, plane ticket and disposable income opens up a world filled with women of various races, cultures and backgrounds.
Life is too short and I choose not to let disregard the advances of women who treat me with respect me and consider my lifetime accomplishments noteworthy out of some silly notion that I should only date black American women.
Robyn Thorpe: That is your perspective and good luck finding love. Do you Brother, and I never called a man a dog. Reread the article. Never. I Always call my Brothers Men. Your beef is with another type of woman.
32303: Robyn, I'm originally from Atlanta, and there are many of the same problems in Atlanta that there are in D.C.
My main problem is with married men who have taken advantage of the higher ratio of women to men and pursue single women without being honest about their marital status.
Robyn Thorpe: True that, you have to search for tan lines on the fingers!
Baltimore, Md.: Thanks for the chat. I am a single professional Black Man (no kids, never been married). But my interaction with Black Women has been mixed, it's either I am not thuggish enough or I am not making enough. I wish happily married black women would share more of the positive things about their men with their single friends than the usual negatives.
Robyn Thorpe: That is a problem, but some women are told not to brag about their men because if they do, the single women will show an interest...in their friend's husbands.
Greenbelt, Md.: Washington, D.C. wrote "I think black men have high rates of dating outside of the race because their mentality can be likened to black kids in the doll experiment. Remember the psychological experiment with black kids, where black kids preferred white baby dolls to black dolls? The same thing goes for many black men and even African men."
The dolls analogy is not true. I am an African and I do date across racial lines. I date the whites, Spanish, and or Oriental because they respect me more than the black women be it African or African American. The non-blacks are ready to contribute to make it a successful relationship while that is not so for black women, period. That is why we men are running away from black women.
Robyn Thorpe: Such a wide paint brush, it's a pity.
Columbus, Ohio: Are you still hopeful for love/romance with a Black man? My advice is to not give up...it may take a couple of years but I am hopeful that it will happen. I am 34, met an amazing man 6 months ago in Starbucks on a Saturday morning and we've been together since that day.
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks for the advice and your story gives me more hope!
Landover, Md.: Not to make light of what you and your counterparts go through in regards to dating, but is it ever considered what Black men encounter (materialistic women, for example)? Also, not to be so direct, but had I met you, you probably wouldn't still be having this issue. That guy who passed you up is a fool.
Robyn Thorpe: You are a sweetheart, yes I think we both agree that Robert was lacking. Brothers and Sisters have to really focus on what is important to us and not ignore the reality of the situation when we are in a relationship with someone who does not reflect qualities we like.
Ann Arbor, Mich.: Sisters just don't get it. Call it superficial, but, it is your physical appearance that attracts Black men and not your career. Too many Black women believe that once they get a degree and a nice job, they will find a man. Your careers are incidental. If you are unattractive or overweight, you will be passed over. Most Black men would marry a woman who looked like Halle Berry and worked at the mall, instead of a woman who looked like Whoopi Goldberg and was a successful attorney.
Robyn Thorpe: I know that, and when you are struggling with the Halle lookalike who has no character, not because she has no law degree but because you never cared to ask her if she did, does you wrong, don't say Black women did you wrong just say the Halle Look a likes do.
Detroit, Mich.: I read the article and immediately knew why these women were in their 30s and unmarried. Point blank, they are overweight and dark-skinned. Unless a dark-skinned sister has a body like Beyonce, she will likely not get much attention from most Black men.
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks for the advice. Are you for of against color struck morons.
Dundee, Mich.: As a white woman who dates Black men I can tell you that many Black men prefer white women because of the way we treat them. Quite simply, we know how to take care of a man. I have been cursed out by Black women and been been called a white bitch on so many occasions. I am sick of Black women blaming us as the reason Black men choose not to marry Black women. Blame yourself. The Black men I have dated have complained about Black women having sexual hang ups, outside children, being overweight, having hair weaves, and not wanting to fill the traditional female roles within the relationship. If you stopped being so argumentative and negative, maybe you could keep your men!
Robyn Thorpe: I don't blame you darling. I know how to take care of a man too. And if you are doing a better job than me why are we both single?
Halifax, Va.: As a Black man, I have found that many of the Black women are single for two obvious reasons: they are overweight and/or dark skinned. Not many Brothers are attracted to dark women unless they have a voluptuous body. I prefer light skinned Black women, however, I will date a Latin woman or even a white woman before I date a dark skinned Black woman.
Robyn Thorpe: Why do you think it is okay to make such a interracist comment? What is wrong with you. Your mindset is jacked and you need to get some counseling.
Alexandria, Va.: I don't expect this question to be posted, (which is part of the problem, because it's something that that blacks dare not discuss), however, black women need to lose weight. What is the problem? I have not seen such widespread evidence of this phenomenon in any other race, creed, or culture. Stop spending so much time talking so much about what it is that we (supposedly) aren't, and look in the mirror. Do it for your health! There are plenty of gainfully employed, decent fellas out here. Would you recognize one if you saw one???
Robyn Thorpe: Yes, I think that I would recognize a decent man. And yes weight is a serious issue for black women. I am changing my lifestyle and I do work out. I am working on me. You work on you.
Washington, D.C.: Nice article!
It seems like you have options, just that you aren't using them to their full potential. Why can't you meet a man through a mutual contact, like one of the friends that you mentioned you would not date, even though they're your friends? That may be the door of opportunity you might want to use. Hey, you may want to be more aggressive to get what you want. By the way I'm a man born and raised in Chester, PA and spent a year in Penn State in 98. Sorry to here about your friend, alot of my friends from there have been caught up just trying to make money other than the right way and that's what burns us. The article talked about how black men fill the jails, (and I'm not making excuses for us) but some of us get stuck looking for easier options of funding our lifestyles instead of getting jobs or promoting our skills. Anyhow good luck.
Robyn Thorpe: We probably know the same people I graduated in '97. And thanks for the advice!
Boston, Mass.: Halle Berry is twice divorced; Eric Benet cheated on her. She too is looking for a decent man.
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks!
Suitland, Md.: Since you have decided to make your relationship a public matter, I would have loved to have heard your ex-boyfriend's perspective.
We reap what we sow and if you are single, that is due to the decisions you have made and has nothing to do with the number of black men in the WDC.
Too many black women in D.C. area wouldn't know a "good man" if he showed up on a lottery ticket.
Robyn Thorpe: I agree with you but he refused several attempts to get him to participate in this article. I wanted him to give his side. My friends who saw our relationship said I was too kind to him, but other friends who didn't know him said I was too harsh. I know it comes off too harsh when I read it but it is what it is.
Istanbul, Turkey: Thank you people for reminding me of one of the many reasons I just left town. This sista is not homesick for this mess at all.
Robyn Thorpe: LOL, I know you are having fun in Turkey.
Alexandria, Va.: I just wanted to comment on another comment that was made earlier about finding love in the club. I believe you can find love anywhere. I met my fiance in a club. My cousin met her husband of three years online dating. While these examples might be uncommon, love could be lingering anywhere...
Robyn Thorpe: Great Share!
Anonymous: I'm a 50-plus white woman who has been married for a million years and can't even remember what dating is like! I just wanted to say that I think Robyn is handling some pretty tense/angry questions with an enormous amount of grace. Also, not so sure my (white) husband would think that being married to a white woman is such a thrill!
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks!
Washington D.C.: What's wrong with having multiple women ? I live in the D.C. area and I am dealing with four women who all know that they are not number 1 in my life. I am strictly dating and having fun. I am not looking to get married and neither of them want to marry me. In fact, I met one in Church, one at the club, one in the gym, and one at the grocery store. We do what most adults do with protection and it's all good. Maybe you should lower your standards and satisfy your needs and stop hating.
Robyn Thorpe: I wish you had given your name so all these women who you say are cool with being your personal lineup knew how interchangeable they are. I like feeling special and if you can't do that then next!
Anonymous: Thanks for truthful article, and chat responses. I sincerely appreciate your perspective and your communication style. I didn't intend to post, but felt compelled after the Michigan white lady who claims us white women know how to take care of a man. This type of response and "analysis" do the whole topic a huge disservice. Being a white woman, I am of the mindset that love is blind, and especially can be colorblind. Yet, I do not take issue with your choice, in fact I deeply respect it. It reminds me of my choice: do not marry a republican. But please, let's not pretend that one category color knows how to "better take care of our man" -- as if white women, (or any other type) haven't lost a man before.
Anyway, thanks for a very good read.
Robyn Thorpe: Thank you sooooo much and yes for reminding me of another one of my standards,I can't marry a republican either.!
Dundee, Mich. -- follow up: I am still single because I choose to be single. You don't see us white women putting articles in the news papers, crying about why we can't keep our men. Look at the beautiful babies we produce with your men. Later in life, your sons fall over themselves to date our daughters i.e. Halle Berry, Alicia Keys, and Vanessa Williams. I have had words with women like you my entire adult life. I have never had a problem keeping a Black man, but it looks like you do. Lose some weight and take out that jacked up weave and maybe you can get my seconds.
Robyn Thorpe: First of all get your facts straight Vanessa Williams is from a two Black parent home. Second I am single because I choose to be single too. Third of all thanks for showing that racist white women date black man. If sleeping with Black people did not make a white person a racist, then slavery would have been the most unracist time in American history. And let me share something else, I have made Black men dump their white girlfriends to try to date me, because it is all about content of character baby, not the color of your skin.
Halifax, Va.: Contrary to your belief, I am not racist. I simply prefer light skinned sisters. When I look at dating a woman, I look at both her complexion and hair texture. Thinking long term, I want my children to be lighter skinned and have a decent grade of hair that is not nappy. The darker skinned sisters with nappy hair are not given a second look. How is that being interracist? That is a preference.
Robyn Thorpe: Read the Color Complex, you are in denial.
Bowie, Md.: When I saw the headline "Singled Out," I thought to myself "here we go again." I've seen several articles this year in several publications about the dearth of suitable black males, and the challenges faced by educated, upwardly mobile females.
Yet while you can use statistics to argue the point that there's not enough to go around, I also believe that a people's collective consciousness can contribute to the problem. In other words, when we as women focus on lack, talk about it ALL the time (instead of learning how to appreciate our own lives and increasing our own love of self), then we attract just that--the desperate longing remains, because we've been convinced and believe in lack.
There are so many wonderful, capable, loving black men out there, and they're moving into the area every day. I think it's important for us sisters to encourage each other, and understand that we already have the love we seek....and when we really believe that, the soul mate will find you.
Robyn Thorpe: When I say the title Singled Out, I thought about the fact that of all the single Black women in the area, my life was singled out for the limelight. That is all
There are a lot of good black men in this country and this area and I just want one so I think that my chances are good.
Capitol hill: Hey! Not all republicans can be easily pigeon holed, either. I'm a republican that dates on both sides of the political aisle since I look at the person, not the party.
Robyn Thorpe: Sorry but I'm a bleeding heart progressive socialist who would unwillingly get your knickers in a bunch!
Austin, Tex.: First of all, as a black man I want to say that I sympathize with Robyn and I admire her courage. A few points that I will like to make though.
1. I do not disagree with the fact that history has been unkind to black women or that some black men do treat black women disrespectfully. My take is this if you allow yourself to be treated that way, then the trends continues whether it is in the music videos or in real life.
2. Stereotyping is not a bad thing necessarily, in fact it is how we simplify a group of people, but sometimes we make a mistake when we generalize. Are black men more likely to have children out of wedlock? Maybe, but that does not mean every black man has fathered a child somewhere. Are black men likely to disrespect black women? Maybe, but that does not mean every black man disrespects black women. I have dated mostly black women and sometimes outside my race. Never once have I disrespected or mistreated any woman black, white or whatever.
Robyn Thorpe: And you sound like an intelligent good guy. Thanks for the share.
Washington, D.C.: There are truly some ignorant comments being made in this forum!People are commenting about Black women's weight, children, and the way they treat Black men. Some men like thick, healthy women, and as far as children, who do you think helped make these children? I am a single 32 black female who was submissive to her ex-boyfriend, who didn't appreciate it. And for the record I'm not overweight,and I do not have any children. I've just decided to be single until that man comes along whoever he may be.
Robyn Thorpe: I picked these posts because I want to show the drama and issues of other people and how that affects the dating situation. Thanks for the share!
Robyn Thorpe: Just some notes. My friend Emeka wants everyone to know that he is not a playboy. He has become a minor celeb too and just wanted me to clarify that.
Also I love talking about these issues on my TV show The Urban Flow which you can check out at www.theurbanflow.com
Alexandria, Va.: Robyn, I find it funny how many people are telling you you should've stuck with your ex. We have NO idea what kind of person he was, was he stable? kind? would he have been a good provider? Now THAT is a huge issue in black dating. Women willing to put up with ANYTHING rather than be alone.
Robyn Thorpe: Right on the money! I would never break up with someone because my friends don't like him it was the fact that we are at different points in our development.
Austin, Tex.: In the short term, black women really have to consider opening up their options in terms of dating and not feel like they are restricted to dating only black men. Amid the sad history we have with race in this country and I don't want to pretend all is well, we cannot be stuck in the past. We have to move beyond the hurt and shameful history and be able to date outside our race if we feel like. (In general, black people are always going to be more likely to date other blacks, and white people other white people and so forth) One more point, simply because you date outside your race does not mean that you do not like being black or hispanic or white or whatever you are.
Robyn Thorpe: I agree with you that dating outside the race is automatically being a sell out. And if being with a Black man is not a preference for some black women then good, then the ratio is better for me LOL, but seriously, to each his/her own.
Alexandria, Va.: People of other cultures greet each other with love. Kiss, kiss - hug, hug, etc... However, my African American "sisters", (in the D.C. metro area), would rather die than to simply say hello. Why would a brother, (whether he meets your lofty standards or not), even bother? I don't - and I am a legitimate professional, in the technology industry, I have never been married, and I don't have any kids. Admittedly, living in the D.C. area has greatly contributed to that. I simply ignore the black women here in this area, before they turn up their noses and ignore me. No problem, the Hispanic girls will say hello, as will the ones from all other parts of the world. It's not a problem for me. Why do the alleged "one or two" together brothers always gravitate towards non-African American women? You can explain it away via any analogy that you wish, however, you need to evaluate what your contribution is to the current circumstance. Good luck - It's been real...
Robyn Thorpe: I wish you knew me, I always say hi, and try to always have a smile on my face. I agree that you should never approach the unapproachable. So don't paint us with the same brush.
New York City: Very interesting article; thank you for sharing your experiences with us!
A friend and I have been conducting an informal survey (please forgive the source) during our weekly viewing of the ABC show "Wife Swap." We have noticed that black women depicted on the show, who are married to white men, tend to be more dominant and their husbands are more submissive. Often, the white husbands are shown cooking, cleaning, and caring for the children while the wife is lounging in bed. Sometimes the husband is tasked to serve the wife dinner in bed while he eats with the children.
Now some have said that black men date white women because they are "easier;" my friend and I were wondering if there was something similar going on for black women who date/marry white men.
Using my own dating experiences, (I am African-American and have dated Black, Caucasian, Latino and Asian men), I have noticed that the Caucasian men who are attracted to me tended to be a bit more, passive, shall we say.
Robyn Thorpe: No, just what an interest share!
Reston, Va.: Hi - I've enjoyed this discussion. As for me, I'm an employed Black male with a college degree. The trouble I had finding a Black female as a mate is not about my self-esteem, but frankly about some mistakes I myself have made in the past. The professional Black women I'd met sometimes were not quite as forgiving about some of my previous failures which I have worked hard to correct (when I moved here I made a couple bad financial decisions that I'm still paying for). I met a woman outside my race, she saw that I'd made some mistakes but they were not representative of my character. We now own a home, are engaged, travel, and have a great life. A life I gladly would have shared with a Black female. . .
Robyn Thorpe: Don't get a guilt trip about finding someone who took time to get who you are and love you. I'm happy for you.
Prince Georges County, Md.: Hi Robyn,
Just an observation after reading the article and the comments: why do some people think every single woman WANTS to be married and therefore something is wrong with her if she isn't?
I too love Black men, but I just want to have fun dating them. It's funny, I either meet the ones who just want sex or the ones who "just" want marriage. I think that's another issue with dating, nobody wants to do it just to have fun. Maybe I'll start taking all the statistics seriously whenever I think I'm ready to settle down.
(p.s. I went to college with Esther!)
Robyn Thorpe: GREAT SHARE!!!! Not every single woman wants to be married or is a miserable old maid. We are enjoying our lives. Like the article said, I don't think that I'm ready for marriage but I know that I do want to be so I go out and do things I enjoy so that when I meet a guy, he is meeting a happy women instead of a bitter harpy.
Halifax, Va. (continued): I read the Color Complex and Our Kind of People. You are not the only one with an education, which is another problem with sisters. I am not in denial, you are in denial. Looking at your picture it is clear to see why you have no man. You are overweight, dark-skinned, and have nappy hair. The next time you are at the bar, please get off the stool and let a light-skinned sister sit down and watch the attention she gets. Perhaps all of D.C. is in denial because last time I checked, light skinned sisters were in season!
Robyn Thorpe: Wow, you got me, I just can't believe that you would be a prize for any woman.
Beltsville, Md.: My "stats" - I am a 33 year old single black woman, never married, no kids. I am educated and attractive and in a relationship that will become permanent if I choose. My comment is this - I am truly tired of this discussion. I am extremely spiritual and I believe we were put on this planet by God to do His work. We each have a purpose. I am in the midst of pursuing mine and that completes me. If I never get married, I am okay with that. I have had friends through the years who were OBSESSED with finding a mate. You seem to be this way, too. We all need to relax. God will send you your mate if you let Him. Relax.
Robyn Thorpe: I am relaxed! Thanks for the share.
Washington, D.C.: Ms. Thorpe:
It was sobering to read your story of seeking a good Black man to date and consider building a future with.
I'm a Black man as well, and have seen this so often in college, in my hometown, and in the cities where I've lived. The situation you described makes me wonder yet again how we can make more progress and get things right in our own communities. We simply don't have time to waste.
I know there are many, many decent Black women and men out there regardless of class or education (like a friend of mine in Richmond who's an engineer), and hope you will find a special Black man who can help you build a friendship/relationship built on trust and respect.
Robyn Thorpe: Thank you!
$$$$$$: Marriage was not always for love. It was for survival, way out of parents' home, sex, procreation, pregnancy, and many other reasons, etc.
Fast forward to 2006 with marriage-minded women and men: Many people are only looking for love, companionship and someone to share their life. The economic reasons and the parental reasons to be married has changed. Many people in the DC area have the job, the home, the car, the education, etc. The financial stuff isn't in the way anymore so the emotional stakes are higher.
In 2006, we are more independent of than co-dependent on even our friends and family. Family and friends don't fix our cars, homes, take care of our dog/cat, we hire someone. When was the last time you borrowed a cup of sugar or a stick of butter from your neighbor? If we are so independent and relationships rely on co-dependency, we are at odds even in our daily lives must like a romantic relationship.
Robyn Thorpe: Excellent points!
New York City: Why is it racist to express a preference for complexion or hair? For example, I'm not attracted to blond men or super-skinny men. Does that make me an anti-Swedish anti-thin racist? No, it's just honest about what I turn on to. Why is it wrong to say what you are and are not attracted to, physically?
Robyn Thorpe: the dude told me to get off of a chair so that a women with more European ancestry could sit down. That is racist and I don't care the race or education of the person who said it.
Washington, D.C.: This is Robyn's friend Serge....all of these ignorant people bombarding Robyn with their hate filled vitriol really need to stop and look at themselves. She was picked to do the story people!!!! She didn't ask to have her life intruded on.....all she is doing is showing her experience when it comes to the dating scene especially as it pertains to Black men and Black women. Robyn you are by far the classiest sista I have ever met and I love you more than ever because you have a heart of gold. Brothers take note this girl is the real deal and if you are ever fortunate enough to meet her you better have your stuff together....that is all.
Robyn Thorpe: Love you too Baby. Love you too.
Atlanta, Ga.: Good morning Ms. Thorpe,
I empathize with your situation. Do you think black women are "shooting themselves in the foot" (so to speak) by not being as open to interracial relationships as black men? After all, when's the last time you heard a black man say that he was holding out hope for a black woman and wouldn't entertain the thought of dating a woman of another race?
Robyn Thorpe: I do have Black guy friends who only date sisters.
Glen Allen, Va.: Great remarks, I would expect nothing less from someone in your profession. You offer a point of view that I hear and see a great deal. Once one is really ready to explore the true possibilities of relationships, then one will find that one person they can live with for the rest of there lives. That person people are wrestling with is usually found within themselves. Conquer that one and then the rest will follow! Not saying you have not at this point either. I just keep remembering those words of a Palestinian Rabbi who said, "Love thy neighbor as thy self!" There is no cookie cutter solution to dating any man or woman. Knowing who you are and what you want is always key! Grace and peace to you Robyn, and all who have participated.
Robyn Thorpe: Great advice!
Washington, D.C.: I don't think you are a snob or wrong for thinking that there should be at least a bit of pursuit from a man and that you shouldn't have to wait on him or hunt him down to meet up. I believe that that is true at least in the beginning of a relationship. I have always found that if the man doesn't pay for the first date (after that, I want to pay my way or at least part of, he doesn't have to be my daddy) or is bad about calling, then he "just isn't that into you" and you have to move on from there. That said, I am a white woman married to a black man. His aunt didn't come to our wedding because she and his mother "had raised him to marry a black Christian woman" not an older, fat, white, Jew. The funny thing is, I think the part that upset them most was that I am fat (as in really, not just a little chubby). That said, my husband has dated black, latina, and white women and his longest relationship outside of me was with a black woman. He didn't marry me because I am white, it was because we have the same taste in humor, movies, politics, and I love to cook and he loves to eat it. We met in college, his mom is a teacher and so was my dad. When we first started dating, he would always mention, my mom/sister does/likes that in reference to things about me. He is very close to both of them. And yes, I get looks when we are together, mostly from black women. And yes, my husband has been asked if I was always this fat (yep, was actually 10 lbs. heavier on our wedding day). But I love him so much, he helps make me want to be a better person and I do the same for him. I hope that you can find that, it doesn't have to be within your race.
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks for the comment cause it helps me bring up the point that yes, health is important and no one should be happy with weight that risks your health. But if you are looking for LOVE then if that person gains weight during the relationship, you can discuss it without telling her another pound and I'm out the door. The love I'm looking for does not end because I gain or lose a pound. If you are not there, don't approach me.
Silver Spring, Md.: I can't believe the comments some people are making. I can imagine exactly what some people might say about my physical appearance if I had put myself out there like you did, but I just don't think they would because I'm not a Black. Fortunately, you will probably never have to deal with these people in real life because they won't approach you!
Robyn Thorpe: Exactly! Thanks!
Washington, D.C.: All this black female bashing by black men is quite enlightening. Reflects rather poorly on black men in the D.C. area. All these guys saying they don't date black women because of this or that.....is really just their way of showing how insecure they are. And I doubt that most of these guys have relationships with these women.
Robyn Thorpe: Right on, I don't have to bash men, the men reflect their own character be it the good, bad, or ugly.
Arlington, Va.: Dialogue is important. This forum allows for people to share their view points, that they might not otherwise have been able to express - due to being dismissed, or discounted, for one reason or another. I think that everyone needs to review the aforementioned comments, and assess each one for legitimacy. Sometimes the truth hurts, however, in my opinion, many of these comments needed to be stated...
Robyn Thorpe: exactly. I have learned so much today.
Washington, D.C.: As a 52-year old Black Man and widower (my wife died last year) I too find the dating scene somewhat daunting. At times, there just seems to be too much anxiety, expectations and lack of patience from all concerned.
As a father of two teen-aged daughters, ultimately my hope for them is to have faith and hope in their judgment in finding a mate that is respectful, loving, trusting and secure in his relationship with them when the time comes.
I think that too many people (maybe men more so than women) are hung up on finding a "trophy" mate to brag about to their friends.
It's all about the state of the individual's mind, body and soul that can help to make or break the prospects of a good relationship. Before I got married for the third time, I had to do a "cleansing" through therapy and spiritual growth before I met my true soul mate in church.
In spite of her passing, we had a good marriage for over 17 years. We all have to keep the faith.
Robyn Thorpe: Love the share, We all have to keep the faith. That says it all. And I do keep the faith. And I like your comment about therapy and counseling. I think that many people disregard the fact that we may need help on this journey called life.
Anonymous: "The next time you are at the bar, please get off the stool and let a light-skinned sister sit down and watch the attention she gets."
Those words are the reason so many Black American women hesitate to speak to men on the street. Although his words are hurtful, he is actually speaking the views of many men in the D.C. Metro area. I am a cute 25 year old with brown skin and "nappy" permed hair and I often hesitate to look at Black guys when I walk down the street, not because I have an attitude or think I am better, but because more than often they will complement my cute face and nice attitude, but move along to my light skin friends with long hair.
Robyn Thorpe: I hear you. This is the thing, I love my Hair style, I picked it, it suits me and if you don't like it, don't approach because there are three brothers behind you who do.
Washington, D.C.: This is Serge again.......I feel the blame for Black men/women relations falls on both sides.....I happen to like the fact that my sisters are demanding because I am very demanding of women that I deal with. I was raised around many black women and trust me they know how to take care of a man....its just there are quite a few brothers who are lazy and don't want to put in the necessary time and effort into making a relationship work with a sister. They would rather walk all over a white girl who will be totally submissive to his demands....figures. But sisters need to be a little more forgiving to these brothers also....we all make mistakes don't lump all brothers into the same group because we aren't all like that. Robyn you know me personally so you know how I feel about this situation.....there is so much that can be said but I don't have enough space......
Robyn Thorpe: And you help me by giving me a perspective that I can't get on my own. These are issues my show tries to address because there is a communication gap out there. As for me, by being friends with black men I respect I can do nothing but grow.
Washington D.C.: I read your article and have a couple of questions. What do you bring to the table? In the article, it speaks of things that you are looking for but not what you're offering. In today's time, our black woman always speak of what they want and not what they are offering. You are looking for us to inspire you or give you new experiences but what are my sisters offering? When are my sisters going to encourage or lift up the positive black men (whether blue collar or not). Sisters rate success and are intrigued by a black man's wealth or level of education. They love more of what they are rather than who they are (especially in this area). I listen to women all the time in this area when they describe a man (EVEN IN THIS ARTICLE) of being good or successful by his accomplishments, wealth or level of education rather than his character. Women here use that to chose what type of man whom they are going to love. When their girls or other woman say that he's a good man, then they are all in. Vanity and being shallow closes the door on many relationships here. Trust me, it doesn't take long for a man here in this area to know what it is about him that intrigues the women here. And you my dear are like a seal bleeding in a section of the ocean filled with sharks. They smell you and go in for the kill. Stop looking my dear (because you're bleeding and putting out that desperate or hurt seal scent), and inviting the sharks to you. Be confident and content and a good man will find you. I just hope you are in the posture to receive him and be a good woman. Signed: Your N.O. boy who spanks you in spades. One Love.
Robyn Thorpe: Oh boy, now you know me! And you think I'm desperate! Oh boy. Time to regroup LOL. Actually, you bring up a lot of valid issues and we have discussed them and you know that I'm selective so how can I be desperate and selective. I have a lot to offer a Brother the #1 thing being a loving heart and a sense of humor and the understanding that a commitment of love is a beautiful thing. I'm not materialistic and when I mentioned that my guy friends are good men it is because they are charming, intelligent, considerate, funny, and have the kindest hearts in the world once they let you in. I don't care what car they drive, if they own their homes, etc. It is about the person they present to you and the world.
Northeast Washington, D.C.: SO much to say, so little space to say it in...first, I'm a SBW, 36, admittedly overweight (not a Mo'Nique, but neither do I fit the weight requirement for my height), brown-skinned, not very nappy hair, college-educated, world-traveled, career-minded, child-free and debt-free except for my mortgage. I, too, was passed over and overlooked by lots of brothers and based on this chat, it's because I am not thin. Or light. I refused to be bitter about it, I just remained optimistic that the right brother would appreciate me and the outerwrapping. (Yes, there's a point!), this past January, I met the man who will soon be my husband. He loves ME, all of me, fat rolls and all, and I love him. We complement and compliment each other, we communicate well, we respect each other, we show each other EVERY day how much we love and care for the other, we strive toward a great relationship everyday, so if all we get is good, we're still on top of the game...and this is a man who only dated slim dark skinned women before me. That was his preference. And had I generally dated darker and bigger men than he. So, that great relationship is out there, but maybe it looks different than you envisioned. Stay committed to improving yourself Robyn, stay open to the possibilities, and that great relationship will happen. God bless.
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks Sister!
Washington, D.C.: Interesting. Seems to ME that the brothers with the least to offer (cause yall KNOW you are fat and short and uneducated and unattractive and baby daddies, don't act like it aint so) STILL think they are entitled to educated Beyonces with cash in the bank. That's what trips me out.
Robyn Thorpe: sometimes it trips me out too.
Arlington, Va.: Robyn,
I really enjoyed your article. I am just dismayed at the comments being made on this forum. Women of all races are having trouble finding and keeping men. Look at Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Jane, etc. Every month, there is another article about where to find eligible men or what not to say in a relationship during the first 3 months.
Why are people harping on skin color and weight? Why are black men so colorstruck? It's funny when black men complain about black women being overweight, but quickly will date an overweight white woman. I see that happening all the time.
Robyn Thorpe: thanks for the share
Arlington, Va.: Why is it that when a successful black women, who owns her own home, drives a nice car and makes a lot of money seeks a black man with the same, she is considered a gold digger or looking for superficial things. I highly doubt that our white counterparts are ever told to "lower their standards" when seeking a mate...
Robyn Thorpe: good question! I don't know, wish I did....
Nashville, Tenn.: These types of stories always sadden me. I know there's nothing wrong with dating interracially -- God made us all and he is no respector of persons. But he also made us all different races and he must have for a good reason. There's something beautiful about that diversity. I like that we're all different with totally different cultures and views on the world. That's my problem with interracial marriage. I fear it'll wash us out. We'll all look alike. The food, the music, the worldview will all combine until there's nothing distinctive or interesting about anything.
I recently became engaged to a brother and couldn't be happier. Neither of us thought we'd be able to find a compatible black mate. We both thought we'd be alone. Reading this story makes me want to run home and just hug and kiss him for the rest of the day!
Robyn Thorpe: So I suggest that you run home, hug and kiss him! I'm happy for you!
Fairfax, Va.: Hi Robyn,
You mentioned your spirituality as it relates to dating, have you had much success dating men within your church family? What character attributes do you think we are missing in relationships?
Robyn Thorpe: Great question, I think so many of us are missing depth, the willingness to discover how the other person is unique. My ex would always tell me, you are special. Sometimes he would say it positively, sometimes negatively but he always said it. I will always love him because he got it, there is no one else like me. We are all unique and irreplaceable so how could a man be dating 4-7 irreplaceable women, because he isn't intimate or in love with anyone of them and until you can open you heart, your relationships will suffer
Falls Church, VA: I moved to the D.C. area from N.C. when I was 22 and fresh from the breakup of a 5 year relationship with a white man. I was very excited to come to DC, an area with an abundance of motivated black men. After my breakup, I vowed to NEVER again date a white man -- it seemed like too much trouble. After a couple of years trying to date, I was really discouraged. Most of the black men I met fell into 2 categories: (1) materialistic - judging my character by what job I had and the type of car I drove or (2) only interested in having sex, not a committed relatioship. After really just deciding NOT to look for a man, I met my husband. He is a white man who pursued me relentlessly, even after I told him I didn't want to be involved with a white man. He persevered and won me over. Like many black women, I tried to find a nice black man to make my own - it just didn't work out that way. Today I'm happy my husband was so persistent -- even though I was not the easiest catch in the world. So to all the single women I'd say - it's great to set your sights on something but don't miss the forest for the trees.
Robyn Thorpe: Don't be guilty about being happy with your life choice, I'm happy for you!
Response to D.C.: What amazes me is that a fat sister with a degree thinks she can get an attractive Black man. It isn't your degrees or profession, it is about looks. When a man tells his boys about his woman, they don't ask where she works or where she went to school. They want to know what she looks like and how is the body. It is you sisters that place importance on achievements which is why you fail to understand why Brothers aren't digging you.
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks for the advice! LOL
Robyn Thorpe: I just want to thank everybody for their interest in my story and for sharing their own. It has been real. Bye.
Shocked in D.C.: I'm a white woman, 35 and in a committed relationship. I am appalled at some of the comments being made by the posters to Robyn - ongoing proof racism is alive and well here in the "land of the free." I just wanted to give props to ALL women, black, brown, white, asian, who are strong enough to hold out for what they want and need from a relationship. There are many woman who are not self-examining, self-aware and this holds them back from truly rewarding relationships. While I'd like to think this is less a color issue (and more a human issue), I'm aware of the historical and ongoing systemic issues that might prevent black women (and women period) from seeing their own self-worth. Keep fighting the good fight women everywhere!
Robyn Thorpe: Thanks
It might be too late to get in the conversation but,: My general observation of tons of friends and acquaintances over the years is that when men lose hope about dating, they get angry at women--but when we women lose hope, we get angry at ourselves.
Robyn Thorpe: And I will not, Thanks
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