The Ultimate Sacrifice

A Family Copes After Son Dies In Iraq

Washington Post staff writer Dan Morse was online Wednesday, Oct. 11 at 3 p.m. ET to discuss his story about a Bethesda family's loss of their son Alex Carbonaro, a Marine sergeant serving in Iraq. Carbonaro was the only son of Fulvio and Gilda Carbonaro. He is the only service member from Bethesda who has been killed while serving in Iraq.

Read the full story.

The transcript follows.

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Washington, D.C.: What a wonderful glimpse into this young Marine's life. Thank you to the writer and his family for giving that gift to this reader. I can't image I will again pass by Arlington without thinking specifically of him and his courage. Thank you.

Dan Morse: I have the same reaction now when I drive by Arlington, or go see Alex's grave. When I look at it, I think of the men in his team too.

Dan Morse: Thanks for the nice words as well. I look forward to reading all the comments ...

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Anonymous: I just read the very moving story of Sgt. Alessandro "Alex" Carbonaro. While I am saddened by his passing, I am so proud of him for his bravery, strong spirit and undying love to his family, friends and the U.S. Marine Corp. Please give my regards to his mom. I have one son living in New York and the very thought of loosing him cuts to the core. I cannot imagine what she is going through, but please tell her she and her family are in my prayers. I have very strong feelings against the war, but I support the men and women that serve. They too have my prayers.

Mrs. Carbonaro mentioned that there were other soldiers that never receive mail. How can I get an address or two so that I can correspond with them and send packages? Any information you can provided is greatly appreciated.

Dan Morse: Gilda wrote letters to kids in boot camp at Parris Island. I can check into that program, and get back to you. Leave a message for me at 301-934-1196, and I will call you. There are also adopt-a-soldier programs, where you send letters and care packages to those posted overseas. Does anyone know good ones I can pass along?

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Washington, D.C.: Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you raised your son well since he became a person who wanted his life to have meaning through his own actions. Not everyone turns out that way.

Was it difficult (technically-electronically or otherwise) to communicate with your son when he was on duty? Do you think he received your letters and other communication with him?

Dan Morse: Hi, it's Dan Morse, the writer. Alex's parents aren't on this discussion. I think they had fairly good communication with him in the first deployment - email and telephone. The second deployment - this year - they didn't hear from him as much. I think he was on a lot of missions outside of his camp.

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Washington, D.C.: How did you decide to pick this soldier's story to tell and place it on the front page? This area has had several soldiers who lived in the Metro area and died in Afghan and Iraq. Just curious about the other soldiers' stories and have you thought about doing other solders' stories periodically through the year?

Dan Morse: I'd certainly like to write about more soldiers and Marines from the area. I became interested in Alex, for starters, because not to many Quaker high schools produce Recon Marines. Then his family and friends were nice enough to talk to me at length, rounding out all the other interesting details about Alex and his family.

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Bethesda, Md.: I think what makes me saddest about the story is that Alex died right around the time the family was learning what kind of man they raised. It just seems like there was so much more for these parents to learn about their wonderful son, as you alluded to in your story. Did Gilda ever get the impression that her son was angry with her about her anti-war activism? Or did he just prefer that she not be really blatant with it?

Dan Morse: Yes, Alex's parents told me words like that: That Alex's life was about to really take off. In their minds, that's hardly a knock against the Marines. In fact, they couldn't have higher regard for the Marines. In their minds, Alex was a 28-year-old with many years of wisdom beyond that, thanks in large part to the Marines, and he was about to carry all that wisdom into the next chapter of his life ... As to his mom's protests, Alex definitely wanted her to keep a low profile. As to his own thoughts about the war, he kept that fairly private, even when pressed by friends he grew up with. I guess, for him, what really mattered was completing his missions and doing a good job commanding his team.

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Montgomery, Ala.: Do you think Alex's parents were angry with him for joining the Marines and putting himself in harms way on purpose? I can imagine that their grief would be combined with a certain degree of anger ...

Dan Morse: No. I never picked up any anger that way. They were stunned when he joined, but tried to accept it, and came to embrace the Corps the more they learned about it.

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Arlington, Va.: I thank you as well for the very moving piece -- I think that it's so very important that we see these young troops as individuals with pasts and foregone futures instead of "just" as names on a list of other people's sons and daughters who have been lost.

For those looking for ways to support deployed troops with letters and/or care packages, I have two to recommend:

www.booksforsoldiers.com - troops submit requests for care packages/books/letters/etc. that are filled by a national network of volunteers. To become a volunteer, go to the website and download the application (you'll have to have it notarized before you submit it); once your application is processed you'll have access to hundreds of requests each month that you can choose from. Although not a "troop adoption" site, many of the volunteers have continued contact with the troops after they send them a care package or letter. There are currently over 1000 active requests from individuals and groups on the site and the site is in need of additional volunteers given a recent increase in the number of requests.

www.anysoldier.com - This site lists requests from deployed groups (not individuals). Although the requests are visible to all, you have to request the addresses by email (volunteers may request up to 3 addresses per day). If you want to get a sense of what the kinds of things are that troops need these days, take a little time to read some of the posts there.

If you know someone who is deployed, please forward them info about these sites. And, if you are stateside, please think about volunteering! It really does make a difference to those you support, and it's one small thing we can all do no matter what our personal feelings might be about the war itself.

Feel free to contact me at azs.bfs-gmail.com if you have questions about Books for Soldiers.

My deep sympathies to the Carbonaro family and all who loved Alex for the loss of this very special young man.

Dan Morse: Thanks very much for the info.

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Washington, D.C.: What is the "Recon Creed" mentioned in your article?

Dan Morse: Type Recon Creed into Google and it will come up. It stresses completing missions, and not letting down what others have done before you. I know one Recon Marine who taped it to the end of his bed at Bethesda hospital, helping him get through his injuries.

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Rockville, Md.: Really moving story. I am wondering how his fiancee is doing?

Dan Morse: She is very, very sad. She is also very strong. All four of these people: Alex, Gilda, Gilda and Fulvio are strong people. They opened up to me for hours and hours, and hours, and still kept answering my questions. Alex's Marine buddies, as well, have remarked to me about how strong they are.

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Harrisburg, Pa.: I want to thank you for this exceptionally well-written and poignant piece. I'm a grown man who was moved to tears as the story unfolded.

Having grown up in Montgomery County, I can only imagine the shock that Alex's family and friends felt when he decided to enlist. Needless to say, most local high school graduates are not running off to join the military. It seems clear that Alex felt he had a higher purpose to fulfill and was a strong-spirited individual who was confident in his own decision-making abilities. What powerful traits to have at such a young age.

I send my prayers to Alex and his family. He fought for a higher purpose. He was committed to his team. His legacy, even in death, speaks volume for the young man that he was.

God Bless.

Dan Morse: Well put.

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Alexandria, Va.: Hi there -- Great article. I got the feeling that somehow their son was always a little distant, or lost, really and "found" himself in the military. I wonder that if he hadn't been so lost (schoolwork problems could have attributed to this), he probably would not have ended up going to the Marines but a totally different path, perhaps college. Pretty much everyone in MoCo that has the grades and can afford to go to college does -- even those who later decide to enlist in ROTC or the military, after they graduate. (I guess, and I don't mean this in a derogatory manner, but something strikes me as a little different about him.)

Any thoughts?

Dan Morse: Alex could have gone to college and done well. I think that, yes, he was certainly looking for direction coming out of high school, and the Marines offered that. He probably could have studied harder in high school on subjects that didn't interest him, so in that sense he wasn't as college-focused as so many in Montgomery County. Of the many things I find interesting about Alex was he talked about doing something "honorable" as a teenager. I don't recall using that kind of word as a teen. So, while he may have been a little lost about what to do, and could have studied harder, there was something different inside him, I guess, that came to the surface in a meaningful, leadership type way as he advance through the Marines. He was planning on going to college next year, and could have done just about anything.

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London, UK: I graduated from Sandy Spring Friends a few years ago and I just wanted to say that I was sad to read of Alex's death (I didn't know anything about him until I saw the articles in The Post). Please tell his family I am thinking of them.

Dan Morse: Thank you. I will pass that along. Quaker schools don't produce a lot of Marines, let alone Recon Marines. Both institutions do preach being part of a larger community, I I guess. I'd like to hear your thoughts on that ...

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Dan Morse: We're just about ready to wrap up. Anyone with any last minute comments?

Here is a program to send gear and other goods to service members: www.operationac.com

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Washington, D.C.: Getting so involved in a family's sadness must be difficult for the reporter. Was it hard to do the research for the story?

Dan Morse: I continue to feel terrible for Alex's wife and parents. So it's sad, but it relative to what they're going through, well, you just feel bad for them.

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Dan Morse: OK, readers, that's it for this discussion. Thank you for reading and thank you for all the great comments and questions.

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