John Kelly's Washington Live

John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Fridays at 1 p.m. ET John is online to chat about his columns and mull over anything that's on your mind.

Discussion Archives / Recent Columns

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John Kelly: Hubbi frubbiends. I'm running a little late today. Crazy morning. Sick kid. And as soon as the chat is over I'm jumping in the car to drive four hours into the wilds of PEnnsylvania. A place called Sunbury,

So, what'd we do this week? Things started out HOT HOT HOT on Sunday, with Answer Man explaining what a one-alarm fire is (and two-alarm, and three-...). Then I hauled junk with the cheekily named Junk in the Trunk LLC. Tuesday's column was ripped from the headlines: the daring rescue of two deer from the Tidal Basin. Wednesday was some Reader Mail. Thursday I tagged along with some Rotarians. Lesson learned: they're not as boring as you might think. And I shared a bit about My Lovely Wife, outing her as a pushy broad.

Sorry for the delay, now, as the Cars said, "Let's go!"

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Gaithersburg, Md.: John,

I have a wife much like yours, but I don't know whether mine is as "Lovely", never having seen her (your wife, not mine). While I would have had no trouble telling the idiot driver to hang up and drive, my wife goes much farther with her critiques of the human condition. When the parking lot at Giant is filling up with errant shopping carts and the young men who ostensibly are hired to help people load groceries into their cars AND occasionaly round up carts are not doing their job, she will tell them in blunt terms to get off their (butts) and corral the carts.

Last Sunday at the Renaissance Festival, as we were pulling into the parking field, a young yellow-shirted parking attendant was laying on the ground resting while fellow workers milled about nearby. A car was backing up in the general vacinity of this kids head, and although three or four of his co-workers were closer to the situation, my wife felt compelled to yell out the car window, "Watch out, that car is going to run over your head!" I told her to stop being such a mother, but she cannot help herself. After 20 years of motherhood, it is coded into her DNA.

John Kelly: It used to be when you were a kid you couldn't get away with anything. There were "Mothers" everywhere. It was that "It takes a village" sort of thing. Any transgression would be spied, corrected and transmitted to your birth parents or legal guardians. This wasn't always good. I remember getting my mouth washed out with soap by another kid's mom for saying a bad word. (A word whose meaning I didn't even know. I just repeated what someone said. I know what it means now, by the way.) I do think we'd be better off if more people were like My Lovely Wife and Your Possibly Lovely Wife. Not a lot more, but a few more anyway.

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Scott, NASM museum guide: Hello John,

I read with great interest about your tour of the Nat'l Gallery. Next time when you're on the Mall, do the same thing but at the Air and Space Museum. And this is how you do it: Walk in and decide its going to be either aircraft or spacecraft today. For aircraft head to your right and explore both floors. For spacecraft head left and explore both floors. After you've explored a "wing" (no pun intended) enjoy dessert at McD's or rest you feet at IMAX, we've got some excellent films there now!

All this can be done in 2 hours!

John Kelly: That sounds like an good plan. My secret for all these places is to get there right as the museum is opening, look around for an hour or two, and then be the first person in the cafeteria for lunch. You're finishing your lunch just as the tired, bovine herds are swarming in. Another tip: Don't eat the astronaut ice cream. When I think of the billions NASA wasted developing that.

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Falls Church, Va.: John, I hope you don't mind, but I read your column this past Sunday. It was just sitting there in the Metro section, so I went ahead.

Are you saying that every report of a fire, no matter how small, will bring no less than 37 firefighters to one's home? That seems like a huge number of people; what do they all do? Even the Doobie Brothers had fewer people than that.

And if I'm the homeowner, what is the etiquette for after they've put out my fire? Should I make a pot of coffee? Offer them snacks? Am I expected to tip?

John Kelly: There can be some minor variation depending on what type of structure it is, like if it's a detached single-family home, a rowhouse, an empty place of business. But the DC Fire Department gave me those numbers for the initial response and I have no reason to doubt them.

After the fire? I don't know. A snack for their dalmatian?

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washingtonpost.com: Don't Be Alarmed: Answer Man Is on the Scene (Post, Oct. 22, 2006)

John Kelly: Where's there's smoke...

...there's either a fire or Woody Harrelson.

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Hey, It's 1:03pm: Where are you?

John Kelly: Typing as fast as I can ....

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Silver Spring, Md.: Just some comments on Michael Steele's online chat this morning - if ya don't mind. First... could he type any slower? Couldn't you guys (post.com) have given him a typer? He could have just dictated? Some intern or something? Next, I for one know that I submitted some real questions with actual substance, and he was busy telling folks from virginia (i.e. - not his constituents, now or future) that he likes cats too, not just puppies. The guy is a genius politician - ironic since he talks about not being a typical politician - evades real questions, answers what he's strong on in depth... argghh.. just frustrating. Sorry, needed to vent.

John Kelly: I haven't looked at his chat yet .I can say that not everyone types as fast as people who use computers every day, something that I bet doesn't apply to many politicians. (Except maybe Mark Foley.) And you're right, not answering a question is the mark of a true pro. I once interviewed Donald Rumsfeld for KidsPost. It was after we invaded Afghanistan but before Iraq. I asked him some rude and probing question while we were walking through the Pentagon and got an interesting reaction: He just ignored it. He started talking about something else, as if I hadn't said anything.

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Cube Central: Answer Man, can you make my backyard look like this ?

John Kelly: Sure. First we're going to need a high resolution copy of that photo. I mean really high, like something taken with one of those large-format cameras the size of an RV. We might need to borrow it from the NSA. Then we'll need to print it out at a scale of one to one (1' equals 1'). There may not be a printer large enough to spit it out in one take so we may need to do it in strips and then seamlessly stitch it together. It should be printed on rip stop nylon or some other durable material. Then we'll stretch it out across your backyard and stake the corners down. Voila! You'll see that lovely Hawaiian scene every time you look out your back door.

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It's not 1:03 p.m.: It's 1:09 pm and you're right here! Tell that other person to catch up!

John Kelly: That other person may live in RoVa, which is 6 minutes behind NoVa. Just another of the myriad differences.

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My Humble Holiday Wish: ...is for John Kelly (who is ultimate, awesome, incredible, spectacular, very handsome, sexy, philosophical, caring, generous, lovable, and fabulous) to hook us up with a Richard Leiby chat. Just my little holiday wish.......

John Kelly: Boy, somebody really has it bad for Leiby, and I don't think it's John Travolta. I'll see what I can do. Maybe he can take my slot next week, when I hadn't planned on chatting. But whatever will he talk about, now that he's not grubbing around the buffet table at various black tie soirees?

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John Kelly for Congress?: John, are you the 'other' John Kelly in the picture?

http://www.johnkellyforcongress.com/contact/index.html

John Kelly: You mean the one with four legs?

There's so many John Kellies it's not even funny. I'm reading a book right now about the Black Death by John Kelly. There's a performance artist who dresses up like Joni Mitchell named John KElly. There's a Marine Corps general named John KElly, and the head of Alaska Airlines.

That John Kelly for Congress bio says he's one of 12 children, and I bet at least three of THEM are named "John Kelly."

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Silver Spring, Md.: Help me out with this one answer man... Clocks move back an hour this weekend at 2am - before metro's scheduled closing time for a saturday night/sunday morning. Will metro stay open the extra hour? Or will they close at "second 2:00" due to union contracts or money for overtime or something silly like that?

John Kelly: I wonder. If we were a well-oiled machine, the next thing I posted would answer that question. Let's see, shall we?

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washingtonpost.com: From Metro press release:

Metrorail to close at 3 a.m. Sunday morning despite time change

This Saturday, October 28, Metro will operate on its normal weekend schedule until 3 a.m. eastern standard time, even though the clocks are turned back an hour to mark the end of daylight saving-time.

John Kelly: Are we good are what?

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Washington, D.C.: Don Rumsfeld here. Back off, Answer Man.

John Kelly: What are you gonna do? Invade me?

Don't answer that.

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Sunbury: While you're visiting Sunbury, are you going to visit Shamokin Dam ?

John Kelly: Should I? That sounds like the name of a Japanese pop band.

Actually, I'm going

here

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Laurel, Md.: I love your chats but couldn't make it last Friday and was reading the transcripts and the comments about Taylor's Ham (Taylor's Pork Roll.) I'm from here and we LOVE it..it's a great treat!! You can buy it at the grocery store in the same section as the scrapple, etc. Usually in a box of 8 slices that are thin or thick sliced but every once in a while they'll have the roll in the burlap wrapping (JACKPOT!). Laurel Meat Market on Main Street used to sell it in their deli case but I don't know if they still do.

I think you can find liver pudding (great with hominy) in the same section (Exotic Breakfast Meats section?)

Now I'm confused...am I Northerner or a Southerner?

John Kelly: During the chat I mentioned how nice it would be if there was a map that delineated the Taylor Ham Line. I didn't have to wait long before someone e-mailed me this

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Silver Spring, Md.: Here we go again. The leaf collection sign went up yetserday, are there any leaves on my lawn? Nope, not many at all. Will there be leaves on my lawn the day after the collection? I'm betting there will be.

John Kelly: Do you need some leaves? Come over to my place. I don't have any trees but I have plenty of leaves, courtesy of my neighbors' trees. In fact, given the success of pumpkin patches and cut your own Christmas tree farms, maybe I'll open a Rake Your Own Leaves operation. Do you think apartment-dwelling city folk would pay to experience this autumnal rite of passage?

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Gilligansisla, ND: Hey John,

Led Zeppelin or the Who?

John Kelly: That's tough. Personally, the Who. They have more of a sense of humor than Zep, who always struck me as portentous and pretentious. Bonham vs. Moon is a tough one. They're very different but I wouldn't want to do without either.

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Anatomy Inquiry: According to your picture, you have a large forehead. Or is that just a receding hairline? This web thing needs to show more accuracy.

John Kelly: What's the difference between a large forehead and a receeding hairline? Neither one sounds very desirable. I wasn't born with a large forehead so it must be a receeding hairline. Just today MLW was running her fingers through my hair and stopped at the crown, perusing it like a monkey looking for nits. My blood turned cold. "Is it getting thin up there?" I asked. "A little," she said.

Oh great. Ruth says women don't care about baldness in men. I don't care if they don't care.

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The Great Beyond: John, what statement do you want to make when you check out ?

John Kelly: Wow. Death be not C.O.D.

Maybe mine could say "This End Up."

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Itslunchti, ME: Hey John,

It's drizzling. There was no fried calamari at the buffet place next door, so it's kung pao chicken for the 817th time. And I have "No Sugar Tonight" by the Guess Who stuck in my head. Help!

John Kelly: You think you've got it bad. I left my lunch in the car. And now I'VE got "No Sugar Tonight" stuck in MY head. What's say we replace it with "Radar Love"?

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Silver Spring, Md.... formerly of North Jersey: Hey John,

So I tried that Bagel City place last weekend, which was packed with people on a Saturday HOWEVER.... still pretty awful. A bagel is supposed to be larger than half of my palm size. Not worse than Einstein's, just nearly the same blahness.

John, a weekend soon you should go on a mission to New Jersey to eat a taylor ham egg and cheese, salt pepper ketchup on a plain bagel....you will die and go to yankee stadium, I promise

John Kelly: Do you have freakishly big hands?

And stop making me hungry.

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oh deer: So the rescued deer gets to return another day so that a car can slam into it? Couldn't they turn it into venison and feed someone?

John Kelly: Deer like to swim, evidently. A colleague wondered if perhaps they were just going for a dip and maybe the rescue squad shouldn't have leapt into action. And plus, there are just too many darn deer around here anyway. Yes, that's true. But can you imagine the public outcry if the deer had been left to tire and drown in the Tidal Basin, their bloated corpses bobbing on the waves like hairy brown beach balls? I can imagine it. I'm imaging it right now.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Leiby, yes! Yes!

We want Leiby! We want Leiby!

John Kelly: He's sort of the Taylor Ham of the Post newsroom: an unhealthy regional food favored by people from New Jersey.

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Eastern Market, Washington, D.C.: John,

This question could be interpreted as not about Washington, but I was in DC when it happened. Is that good enough?

Anyway, my wife made me watch the latest installment of "Dancing with the Stars," and I can't get the image of a shirtless Jerry Springer out of my mind. If I beat my wife for revenge, do you think that will expiate the ghastly image?

John Kelly: No, but it will get you on the Jerry Springer show.

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Keith Mo, ON: Sometimes you just have to go back and listen to those albums again, to remember how much they lost when he died.

He and Entwistle were the lead instruments in that band.

John Kelly: I've been watching VHI Classic on cable. There'sa lot of dross there, but they've been showing live concerts recorded by the BBC. They had one of the Police playing at a college in the UK in 1979 that was brilliant. And a real revelation to me was a Faces performance in 1971. Rod Steward looks so young. Ron Wood is incredible. But Kenney Jones really stands out. He was the perfect drummer for that band, very tasteful, very musical. It underscored how out of place he was in the Who, after replacing Keith Moon.

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Mount Airy, Md.: There's no Redskin game on Sunday. Should I be happy or sad?

I hate to say it, but I think I would enjoy raking leaves more than watching another 'Skins game...

John Kelly: Yes, we should all enjoy this bye weekend. It's about the only time we can guarantee the Redskins won't lose.

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Washington, D.C.: I love that there's two photos of your smiling noggin on the chat page--you're in stereo!

Also, how do you feel about your chat competing with 'La Cucaracha'?

John Kelly: Are you wearing the special glasses that make my face float out above your keyboard like a spectral presence.

I'm happy to be sharing bandwidth with "La Cucaracha," and it explains why I'm not getting any questions asking me what pen and paper I use.

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Capitol Hill, D.C.: I may have mis-heard but I don't think so. On the NBC-4 morning news when they had the piece about the deer being rescued from the water, they said that the rescuers saved the deer by using their floatable boat.

John Kelly: As opposed to the sinkable kind? What you may have misheard was "inflatable boat," since that's what Zodiacs are.

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Woodbridge, Va.: You know what irks me? I work in a law firm on Pennsylvania Avenue. Every morning I get off the commuter bus and walk to said law firm. While walking, I have to get through the gauntlet of maintenance men wasting valuable water while spraying down the sidewalks each and every morning. Why can't the storekeepers sweep in front like they used to? Or wash the sidewalks every other day? Seems to me every day is a bit much. And I'm always afraid of getting a cold shower. Thank you.

John Kelly: You're welcome.

You'd think the broom lobby would mount a public awareness campaign. I'm thinking a photo of a parched African baby, along with the headline: "Sweep: It saves water. And water can save a life."

But we've gotten so lazy. It's like those people who use leafblowers to rake leaves, even a single leaf, or the guys who will direct a leaf blower at a single cigarette butt, trying to blast it out of a crack in a sidewalk rather than LEAN OVER AND PICK IT UP!

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Washington, D.C.: Well, I don't know about American firefighters, but I do know that the squadrons of Parisian police officers sent to investigate a possible burglary tend to want to bond. They don't want to leave. They hang around, compliment you on your furniture, ask you about your provenance, and cast wistful glances at the coffee maker. Plus, they tend to be young and fit and cute and courteous, so it's really a nice situation all around.

John Kelly: Do you make them espresso, in a little cup with a curl of lemon rind? That is SO civilized.

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S. Orange , NJ: Re: what to do after the fire:

In Dylan Thomas' "Child's Christmas in Wales," Mrs. Protherow, "who always did the right thing," asked the firemen,

"Would you like something to read?"

John Kelly: And then they responded,

"No thank you. We're the firemen from Ray Bradbury's 'Fahrenfeit 451,'" and turned their flamethrowers on the bookshelves.

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Shamokin Dam: My wife and I always shout this one out as we pass. We like to think it's pronounced "SHAA-mokin'!" like Jim Carey in that awful The Mask movie.

John Kelly: I'm actually staying someplace called Panoxis or Panixios or something. It sounds like it ought to be in Greece rather than north of Harrisburg.

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Not such tiny bagels: Try K St Bagel at 2000 K. They're more voluminous than Einstein's.

John Kelly: But do they have that certain ineffable quality found in your better New York bagels. It's something about the mouth feel and, oh yeah, the taste.

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Videokilledtheradiost, AR: Radar Love? You think you can infect me with your Radar Love? Well, take THIS:

In a little while from now,

If I'm not feeling any less sour.

I promised myself, to treat myself,

And visit a nearby tower ..........

Bwa ha haaaaaa.

John Kelly: The Gilbert O'Sullivan Option, eh, which was specifically banned by the Geneva Convention? What are you, North Korean?

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it explains why I'm not getting any questions asking me what pen and paper I use: Hey John, what Pen and Paper do you use?

John Kelly: Oddly enough, I use a Tombow brush pen and Micron archival ink pens on smooth Bristol board, JUST LIKE LA CUCARACHA!

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Silver Spring, Md.: Maybe I'm just dumb here... but I still don't get it. "Metro will close at 3am despire the time change"... That means when the clock says 3am, they close... which means, the clock says 3am an hour later than it would have otherwise, since the clocks get set back at 2am, which is before 2am (i think).... right?

John Kelly: If you set your watch correctly, Metro will still be running at 2:59 a.m. and will close at 3 a.m. If you have not bothered to change your watch, it will close at 4 a.m.--the "old" 4 a.m.

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rain rain man : John,

do you smell like wet dog when rain hits you?

John Kelly: No, I smell like wet John. It smells a bit like vanilla with a hint of Hai Karate and grated nutmeg.

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*real* bagels...: How about Georgetown Bagelry? I hear they're the most authentic. And they supposedly have great NY-style pizza too. I must go and check it out.

John Kelly: NEver has a sandwich seemed so very far away.

I'll have to check them out.

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Arlington, Va.: John:

Did you get a chance to read the front page article in the Post this morning: The Year Of Playing Dirtier (Post, Oct. 27, 2006)

Is this depressing or what? What's to stop a candidate from just lying about another in a way that won't get him sued? How about: "Some say candidate X cheats on his taxes, beats his wife and kids, and snorts cocaine on a daily basis. Is this your next Congressman?"

John Kelly: There's a new book out on this subject. The author was on The Daily Show and he made the point that when candidates lose, people say these techniques don't work. But if they win, they say they do. Of course, the rival candidate often says "My opponent is afraid to focus on the issues"--and then runs his own negative ad.

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Kimjong, IL: In a little while from now,

If I'm not feeling any less sour,

I promise myself to take myself

Into the presence of the radiant glory of our beloved leader, who bestows upon a grateful nation the blessings of his wise and benevolent leadership.

(Hey, could I have one of those bagels? I haven't eaten for a few days.)

John Kelly: Chew on some plutonium.

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Muskrat Love: you know you wanna hum it.

Do it!

Toni T.

John Kelly: Is this Iran? Talk about the Axis of Evil.

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Bagels city: Its the new york water. cant make a new york bagel here. Or so i was told.

John Kelly: Is that like the way you can't make a nuclear bomb without heavy water?

I guess it's too expensive to ship down New York water to make bagels here.

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Government drone: Ducking into a anonymous Korean owned cafe during a recent fire drill I noticed that they were making their own bagels. Normally I'd discount them automatically except that THEY HAVE A FREEZER FULLY STOCKED WITH DR. BROWNS SODA!!

Will report back...

John Kelly: This is a SOUTH Korean-owned cafe, I'm assuming? Cause I don't want to know what's in the freezer of a North Korean- owned one.

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food: John,

I've prepared a sumptuous feast with the finest imported meats, caviar, fruit and delicacies but I can't start the party without a bon vivant to entertain guests. Do you know anyone at the Post who can come?

John Kelly: Well Rich Leiby seems to be all the rage these days. Why don't you ask HIM?

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A cubicle in N.W.: All I want right now is a Ben's Chili dog and a cold beer.....

How about you?

John Kelly: That does sound good. It's going to have to wait, though, for I have miles to go before I sleep.

Thank you to the Rockville bureau for letting me crash here today for my chat. I'm taking the week off, so no columns until Nov. 6. I'll be kicking around though, so feel free to send me any columnar thoughts: kellyj@washpost.com. And if I can figure out how to make the phones work in Pennsylvania, I'll be on Washington Post Radio tomorrow morning in the 8 a.m. hour: 1500 AM, 107.7 FM.

Thanks for stopping by on this rainy Friday. Have a great weekend.

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