Books --- 'Better Single Than Sorry'

Jen Schefft, winner of the 2003 season of ABC's "The Bachelor," and host of the 2004 edition of "The Bachelorette," discusses her new book, "Better Single Than Sorry."

Schefft was online Monday, Feb. 12. at 3 p.m.

A transcript follows

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Jen Schefft: Hi everyone! Recently, I've been all over the place promoting my new book "Better Single Than Sorry" -- as the title suggests, it's about being okay with being single, not settling for someone who isn't right for you, and living life to the fullest regardless of your relationship status. Can't wait to start chatting with you!

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Washington, D.C.: I saw your interview on the "Today" show and felt they were trying to construe some of this as women being "too picky" or waiting for the unrealistic "perfect person." The point is that women shouldn't settle for something that is so-so or not all that they are looking for just so they don't have to be single. I would love to have a boyfriend but I would rather be single than be with someone I don't feel strongly about. My friends and I saw you on "The Bachelor" and felt like of all the seasons, you were the only reality show participant that seemed like someone we could identify with, i.e. not needy or looking for exposure. Thanks for being an intelligent and articulate representation for single professional women.

Jen Schefft: First, thank you so much for your kind words! I also agree with you wholeheartedly -- as women, we can take care of ourselves and we don't need men to take care of us. Men should be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. I think it's best to wait for the right person -- and if he/she doesn't ever pop up, so be it. I'd rather be happily single forever than in an unhappy relationship.

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Falls Church, Va.: What single piece of advice would you give to other young single people?

Jen Schefft: Be happy with yourself first -- don't worry about finding a mate. Just make sure you're happy by doing things that you enjoy, just for you. If you surround yourself with people you love and activities you love, you will never be lonely, even if you're not in a relationship.

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Annapolis, Md.: Do you have trouble finding single friends? I find it hard to find friends to do things with on weekend evenings and weekend days since my married friends understandably want to be with their spouses. I am not looking to go to bars to "pick up" men but to go out to dinner, to a concert or movie.

Jen Schefft: I know how hard it is to meet single people when all your friends are in relationships. My advice would be to get out and join clubs, get involved with charities, work out at a gym, find a hobby...etc. This way, you'll meet like-minded people who enjoy doing things you like to do. I've met friends at the gym, through work and even in the laundry room of my apartment building! Sometimes, I have to be the bold one and make an effort to get a phone number/make a call, but it does pay off.

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Northeast Washington, D.C.: I'm not single now, but when I was there was all this pressure from my friends and family to "find a man" and get married before it's "too late." Too late for what, exactly? Is there a finite date for finding and having love? It's irritating that no one seems to believe that a single woman can be happily single. If you have a full life and thriving career, you don't need a man to feel complete or fulfilled. Whew, thanks for letting me vent.

Jen Schefft: Thanks for venting! It doesn't make sense to me either when people pressure others into settling down and finding someone. I'm happy as a single woman and will be happily single until I meet the right person for me -- and will wait as long as it takes. Why should there be a time limit? It baffles me that others don't understand that. I have plenty of friends that are settled down and married or engaged...and their lives aren't perfect either!

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Alexandria, Va.: Jen,

Thanks for agreeing to do this. I haven't read the book, but I'm curious to hear what you think are some of the "keys" in seeking out one's significant other. Do you really think that a lot of people are having a hard time finding love because they have actually "settled" on someone who isn't really right for them?

Thanks again.

Jen Schefft: I believe that you have to live your life and enjoy -- with or without a significant other. I want to be married, but not at all costs. Plus, not every person is going to meet The One when they are 22. It can take time.

When seeking out a relationship, people really need to ask themselves:

Is this relationship making me happy?

Does he/she make me feel better about myself or worse?

Does he/she point out my flaws, or do my flaws endear me to him/her?

Is this person who I want for the long haul, or just good enough for now?

Bottom line -- deep down, you know what is best for you. You just have to trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right...it isn't.

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Alexandria, Va.: Hi Jen, ever since I was a young girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Not sure where you stand on that, however, if you did want to mother a child, would you ever have a child out of wedlock to fulfill that part of your life?

Jen Schefft: Great question. I've always wanted children, too. However, I don't want to bring a child into the world with a father I'm not in love with. If I am at an age where I'm not married, but feel it's time to be a mom, I would definitely consider having a child out of wedlock or adopting. I would make sure I had a great support system around me, but I'd do it.

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Washington, D.C.: What if you are unhappily single? I am attractive, intelligent, have a good job, own a house, and enjoy my own company. It is not that I don't go out either. I salsa dance, go rock-climbing, kayak, read a lot, travel, go to movies, etc. and a couple of really close friends, but I miss having someone to be intimate with both physically and mentally. I miss sex, snuggling, the sharing of each other's day-to-day, the knowing that someone has your back and that you are interdependant without being clingy. My friends have it, but I can't seem to get it. While I know I may not find someone else, I also don't see how I am going to be completely happy in my life without an intimate partner.

Jen Schefft: I totally understand that feeling, but it's all about keeping a positive attitude. Not always easy to do, trust me. But, if you want to be married, the chances are in your favor that you eventually will be. So...in the meantime, just remain positive and realize that relationships aren't always easy either. You sound like you have a very full life and that's fabulous. Look at it this way -- you still have a lot ahead of you rather than behind you!

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Boyds, Md.: Now that you have become a reality TV star, how has that changed your romantic relationships?

Jen Schefft: Reality TV has changed my perspective on a lot of things, especially in terms of relationships. My romantic life has been out there for for everyone to weigh in on -- I've heard nice things and I've also heard some very mean things. It's taught me to trust my own instincts -- and we all MUST do this. My instincts are always right, no matter what anyone else tries to tell me. Deep down, we all know what is best for us. We just have to pay attention!

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Washington, D.C.: For those of us who aren't familiar, what motivated you to write your book?

Jen Schefft: I was on both "The Bachelor" (I was chosen by Andrew Firestone) and then on "The Bachelorette" (I walked away alone). Because I "couldn't make it work" with any of these men, I was really ridiculed and told I was too picky, that I'd never be happy and would be single for the rest of my life! As if it was my job, and mine alone, to make it work with these men. Last I heard, relationships are a two-way street!

I couldn't believe people were so upset with me for choosing to be single. I think it's the same message women hear every day, but on a smaller scale. We're made to feel as if we're not complete without a man. That's not the case! We need to complete ourselves first.

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Arlington, Va.: Gosh -- all I can say is THANKS so much for doing this chat and your encouraging words! Can't wait to read the book!

My question: What do you think of online dating?

Jen Schefft: You are very welcome -- thanks for reading! I think online dating is a great way to get yourself out there and meeting people. You just have to go into it with an open mind -- realize that not everyone you meet is going to be The One, but at least your practicing! Dating really is difficult, but the more you do it, the better you will be.

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Washington, D.C.: Can you define settling in your words? And what are the biggest issues that you feel break up couples? And what factors are you giving singles to help them in their singleness?

Jen Schefft: To me, settling is being with someone who doesn't really make you happy -- but you stay because you feel it's better to be with somebody, anybody, than it is to be alone. A relationship should add to your life, not take away. As for why couples break up...I don't know if I have the perfect answer. However, I do think a lot of people stay in bad relationships for too long. I think EVERYONE needs to follow a three month rule. If it's not working (or feeling right) within three months, you have to move on. If you don't, three months can easily turn into three years. You're time is precious, so don't waste it!

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Washington, D.C.: Hey it goes both ways, too. Men can be just as happy alone, and should be, regardless of whether they are in a relationship.

Jen Schefft: Excellent point. It absolutely goes both ways! My book is based on my perspective as a 30-year-old single woman, but the same message applies to men. Men should also never settle, never give into the pressure they're receiving from others and make sure they are happily single before they become part of a couple.

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Washington, D.C.: What advice do you have for those of us (single and not) that have a friend that is obsessed with having a boyfriend. It becomes part of every conversation and she tells the other singles that their lives would be better too if they have an SO.

She currently is dating someone but says he is not the one, but she continues to hang on because then she will be alone. She is driving us CRAZY!!!!!

Jen Schefft: Oh...we all have those friends. A friend of mine calls them "toxic friends." You either need to stand up to her and let her know exactly how you're feeling, or pull away from her for a little bit. Not that you need to ditch her completely, but it's important to surround yourself with positive people...otherwise they just end up bringing you down, as well. If you begin to pull away, and she notices...feel free to tell her why! Maybe then she'll take the message to heart.

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Philadelphia, Pa.: What, may I ask, are your Valentine's Day plans?

Jen Schefft: I currently don't have any Valentine's Day plans...and I'm very okay with that! However, lots of people ask me "how can I be happy on V-Day with out a boyfriend/girlfriend?"

You can do a number of things: get a group of girls together for dinner, get yourself a massage or pedicure (pampering yourself is great!) or buy yourself a present (I find that buying shoes and purses helps me!). Just make it a special day for YOU. Someone else told me she celebrates all the people in her life that she loves -- not just the romantic loves. I think that is a fabulous idea.

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Washington, D.C.: I agree with you that you have to trust your instincts, but I think that that requires a lot of self awareness which is hard to come by as a single woman. People can't stop telling you that you need to marry, have kids, and the white picket fence. I've seen too many of my friends unhappily married because they just couldn't jump off the wedding train on time. It's depressing. Anyway, my real question is, given how attractive and seemingly together you are, do you get people asking you all the time how you could be single? And how do you take that, as a compliment or insult? I myself, think it is an obnoxious thing to say because it presumes that being single isn't a choice. Oh, and another question. How do you feel about romance? Do you think our society has duped us into believing that wine and roses are what we need to make us happy and without it, we are doomed?

Jen Schefft: Lots of questions! Let's see if I can answer a few of them. First, I agree that it's hard to be self aware, but we have to do it -- and we can't make excuses. Life is hard, and being happy is hard -- everything takes work. Most of the time, life doesn't happen to us -- it is what we make of it. And yes, people ask me all the time why I'm still single -- some say it in a complimentary way while others mean it as an insult. I know I can't change how people react to me, but I can change how I react to them. I just know that I can't let anyone get to me. What do they really know, anyway?!

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Jen Schefft: Thank you to everyone for chatting with me and asking some great questions. I hope we can do it again sometime soon!! Best - Jen

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