Being Young and Having Cancer

"I had leaped between two opposing worlds -- youth and cancer -- too quickly."

Washington Post staff writer Emily Wax was online Wednesday, Feb. 28, at 11 a.m. ET to discuss her own personal story about the bizarre world of being young and being diagnosed with breast cancer.

Photo Gallery: Generation X Meets Breast Cancer

A transcript follows.

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Emily Wax: A warm hello to all my fellow cancer vixens and those who love us! Thanks for logging on.

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Washington, D.C.: Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was wondering if you could talk about your thoughts on fertility and cancer at a young age. It seems like there are a lot of options for people, from storing eggs to implants, to help people have children post-cancer treatment. Have you thought about this aspect of it and would you mind sharing your thoughts?

Also, on a related note, are there techniques for keeping a strong marriage going during all of this?

Emily Wax: Hi- this is a great question.

We will post a link shortly, that has some good information:

And I know there is a lot medicine can do these days to preserve eggs before chemotherapy.

As for the good marriage, I think the reality is just what the t-shirts say, "Cancer Sucks." It's not easy at all and not something I choose by any stretch. But it can also bring you together and make fights over the remote seem a lot less harrowing! My husband, Raymond Thibodeaux, treated me with the same love and humor as he always did. He once held me still during one of the many painful sticks I had to go through during a bone scan. When I completely bald, we both laughed when we together changed the words to James Blunt's song,"You're Beautiful," into "You're head's a bowling ball. And you're beautiful. " I have had friends whose boyfriends bailed. And that can be horrible. But I think the bottom line is getting the right support.

Emily Wax: I also think there are some wonderful routes for adopting. We are thinking of going the bradgenlina route.

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washingtonpost.com: Fertility and Cancer

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Austin, Tex.: Thanks for the article and sharing your story.

Breast cancer tore apart my world five years ago. I have to say that while I'm glad that the "deny and never take off your wig world" is gone, there are some new attitudes that I find similarly irritating.

One is the "kick cancer's butt" thing ... it seems to include a belief that if you are tough and aggressive you'll beat the cancer, and if you aren't, you won't. Maybe that helps some people but I think it is discouraging to others. Some people aren't the "kick butt" types, but they are expected to act like they are. Or, they are, and the cancer comes back anyway. I wish people would understand that there's no one right way to deal with cancer emotionally.

The other thing that bothers me is the idea that cancer is somehow a good thing, that it makes us stronger. Maybe for some people cancer is a wakeup call, but for most of us it is just a horror that tears apart our lives, takes away hope and happiness and the ability to plan for the future, and replaces them with fear.

Finally, the idea that cancer, especially breast cancer, is something that is "over" after the initial treatments are done is a complete falacy IMHO. Once you have cancer it is something you live with in one way or another for the rest of your life. Friends will think you are "cured" and assume things have gone back to normal but there are long-term effects from the treatment, and, worse, long-term fears about the cancer coming back.

Thanks, and best of luck to you.

Emily Wax: I am so glad you wrote. You make some wonderful points.

I have known so many wonderful women who were emotionally strong, ran marathons, even and the cancer still came back. I also felt like all anyone can do is show up for the chemos and hope it all works.

Also, I agree that no one needs cancer to make them a better person. I think, though, that whatever way you feel you can get through this is the only way for you. I was in a total state of rage sometimes. I guess that's why I loved Breast Cancer Barbie and Cancer Sucks pins. That way of thinking somehow gave me energy. Best of luck to you.

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Washington, D.C.: Emily,

Thank you for sharing your personal experience with breast cancer. I would like to say that I believe that you are one of the finest Africa reporters in the world, and I admire the depth and perspective of your reporting. You have the rare ability to portray Africa's problems in real, human terms without dehumanizing the people in Africa who live with, and negotiate, those problems as part of their daily lives.

How has your experience as an Africa reporter shaped your perspective on your personal experience with breast cancer?

Emily Wax: I think about Africa all the time. The women I met in Darfur, in Kenya, in Congo were all with me as I sat in the chemo room. There are so many ways humans suffer in this world. They suffer from wars, they suffer from personal loss, from physical pain. In Africa, suffering is an honest and accepted part of life. It's not hidden and it's not something to be ashamed of. Loss is something people share. I think realizing that everyone suffers in their life, in different ways, really helped me through.

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Frederick, Md.: I'm sorry to spoil all your fun, but I'm currently watching my beloved mother-in-law die of breast cancer, and the dying is pretty horrible. I find this party hearty attitude really inappropriate and an insult to the pain and horror suffered by those afflicted with this disease and their families. Nobody "kicks cancer's butt," sorry. And, yeah, it is a disease. It is not a marketing opportunity and it is not a whole bunch of fun. So now, I guess if you have cancer and you aren't willing to dance on a table exposing your scars, you're considered a party pooper and a "bad" patient for not having fun with it? Jeez, can't you let grieving people just have a little dignity?

Emily Wax: I am very glad you wrote. I think your point of view is very important and the reality for many women. It's very unfair and very hard. Some of us party because we don't know what else to do. I am very sorry for your pain and I can only hope you have some pockets of relief as you and your mother-in-law go through this.

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Mt. Rainier, Md.: What's the best thing a friend can do for someone going through this? I mean, besides saying really stupid stuff like "I know how you feel" (gag me).

Emily Wax: You can give her a gift certificate for a massage! Just kidding. I think just being there is great, offering to go to chemos, calling, emailing. Just let your friend know that she is not some freak with CANCER. But still the same old friend she always was.

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Alexandria, Va.: I finished up with treatments for Hodgkin's Lymphoma in November. I will continue to have scans every few months for the next year. How do you deal with the constant fear that your cancer will return?

Emily Wax: I find the total fear of it coming back to be the worst part of all of this. Friends and family just want to believe you are fine and you should, well, shut up about it already! I can see there point. But I guess there is a long, really hidden journey for those of us who must go through those scans every few months. I have acutally felt my heart come out of my chest during recent blood work. And that was right after chemo!

I think that cancer has to recede after a while. There has to be a very clear choice to not let it define you. I think that takes a while. Sometimes, even now, I just have cancer burn out! Other times, I can devour information about it endlessly. Anyway, thank you so much for writing and I am thinking good thoughts for both of us.

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Alexandria, Va.: I hope you'll post my story ... I'm 33 years old, single and healthy but am in the process of taking a radical step towards "cheating" breast cancer. On August 1st I'll be having a bilateral prophylactic mastectomy. That means both breasts will be removed and replaced with implants as well as a new nipple and areola. It will take approximately six months before I'm back to "normal."

Why am I doing this you ask? My family has a history of breast cancer and I've tested positive for the BRCA-1 Gene and currently have an 85 percent chance of developing breast cancer. Once I've finished the surgery I'll have a 95 percent chance of NOT developing breast cancer. I'm willing to do this for that reason alone and hey, I'll have fantastic breasts afterwards! Okay, I have to keep this a bit light for my own sanity. Thanks for letting me post my story.

Emily Wax: Bring on the backless shirts! The telling thing about our beauty-crazed society is that there are now many ways to make perfect breasts. If only there was a cure for cancer! But meanwhile, enjoy. One doctor once told me that the only good part of cancer was "Getting to have the chest of an 18-year-old for the rest of your life."

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Bethesda, Md.: Hi Emily --

Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. You and the women you wrote about are an inspiration. I have a 37-year-old friend who was just diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer and is just beginning chemo and radiation. I'd like your advice: I wanted to send her your story but am worried about timing. Would you have wanted to read something like your story in the early stages, or does the "kick cancer's butt" attitude take more time and perspective? Thanks again. All the best to you in your continued recovery.

Emily Wax: Hi- thanks so much for writing. I think it's really important to be honest and anger with some humor can be very healthy that way. Anger actually motivated me to rebel against all the "you are so strong," types out there. Best of luck!

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Washington, D.C.: Emily,

I'm 28 and recently finished chemotherapy and radiation. My hair is finally growing back but not quickly enough for me. I just might have to get extensions for my September wedding.

I also find that the months since finishing treatment have been some of the hardest. I think that it is so far removed from everyone else's lives but still a very real part of my life. I never felt like I needed a support group until recently. Is the one that you mention in your article appropriate for someone who has finished treatment?

I also wanted to say thank you for a great article. Everyone told me that when you are diagnosed with cancer it's like being inducted into a club you never wanted to be in. I feel like I just missed the club meeting!

Emily Wax: I totally understand, ie the hair. I am currently just past the chia pet phase! Give Georgetown a call about the support group, there are women from every stage of cancer that join us. We always go out to dinner at cute cafes afterwards! And never feel bad about feeling angry or laughing when you need to. The group has plenty of both!

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Bowie, Md.: Emily,

Thanks so much for the online chat! I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She is going through chemotherapy right now and will have to have radiation treatment soon thereafter. She has always been an upbeat and positive person and continues to have a miraculous spirit. I, on the other hand trying to be the supportive friend find myself angry and depressed because this has happened to her. I have accompanied her to her treaments and will be there for her for whatever she needs. How do I be supportive without showing my anger and sadness?

Emily Wax: I think it's really important to show her all your emotions. She will appreciate your honesty during a time when most people are trying to go the smiley, "you'll be fine," route!

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Washington, D.C.: What surprised you most about how people reacted to finding out that you had cancer?

Emily Wax: I think most Americans just wanted to say, "You'll be Fine," or "You are so strong," and be done with it. That made me miss Africa, where many people experience loss - almost everyone by age 30 has lost a close friend or family memeber, for one reason or another - and emotions tend to be more raw and complex, more searching and honest, maybe. But I guess I was in double shock. I had just been told I had cancer and also I had not lived in the U.S. for four years.

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Washington, D.C.: What a great article, Emily! I attended the conference and really enjoyed it! My question is, how do you deal with friends who still don't get it -- who still want to party it up when that's the last thing I feel like doing. I try and communicate my needs (minimal traveling and budgeting time because of chronic pain, doing something fun but relaxing, not drinking and being around smoke which some seem not to understand) without being preachy but every time it ends up a disaster, with me feeling physically and emotionally worse off than before.

Emily Wax: Hi- thanks for your question. I struggle so much with that! I try my best. But a lot of times I use humor and my "Cancer Card," to get out of certain bar crawls and freezing nights waiting outside clubs that were most likely torture anyhow! I think you start to have your cancer friends. There is only so many times you can talk to your non-cancer friends about, hum, constipation! But after a while, after your treatments your feelings will change and it will be easier to connect to the non-cancer crowd again.

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Chevy Chase, Md.: Hi Emily,

I am a big fan of yours and admire how you balance your rage at cancer with finding the beauty of life. It's not easy to do -- as the mother of three young children, diagnosed at 38 with breast cancer, I know how debilitating having breast cancer is, both physically and mentally. Some of the people commenting misconstrue the vision of bald women smiling with partying with superficiality, as if they don't know how terrifying the disease is. First, if it is superficial, who cares. Second, just because they are laughing doesn't mean they don't also fear terrified. Having cancer is not a gift, and it sucks when people say that. But to survive, you have to learn to live with a complexity of feelings. Each person lives in a separate world of their experiences and feelings, and unless you take the time to go there, one shouldn't judge.

Did you/do you feel like people treat you differently now and how do you deal with this?

P.S. I love the picture of you in the paper -- you're awesome!

Emily Wax: I like your comments. Having joy amid cancer, kinda reminds me of what it's like to find yourself laughing when you are in mourning or at a funeral. Life really does not seperate into blocks of horror and blocks of happiness. Real life happens as one huge messy soup of emotions.

On that note, I think a lot of people want to treat me like I am frail, or give me pitty looks. When all I want to do is move on with my life. Life Sucks sometimes. Cancer really sucks. But the world is complex. We can't only expect Disney World. Fake life is sometimes worse than really living.

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Emily Wax: Hi - I'd like to thank everyone for logging on. And I want to dedicate this to all those who lost their lives to cancer and equally to those struggling to find their way after treatment! Thanks so much for your wonderful and thoughtful comments. Emily

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