Tell Me About It
Friday, March 9, 2007; 12:00 PM
Carolyn takes your questions and comments about her current advice column and any other questions you might have about the strange train we call life. Her answers may appear online or in an upcoming column.
Appearing every Wednesday and Friday in The Washington Post Style section and in Sunday Source, Tell Me About It offers readers advice based on the experiences of someone who's been there -- really recently. Carolyn Hax is an ex-repatriated New Englander with a liberal arts degree and a lot of opinions and that's about it, really, when you get right down to it. Oh, and the shoes. A lot of shoes.
Anonymous: Any advice on how to stay on track with an overly booked life right now? I'm working six days a week for a while, I'm taking a couple night classes and am trying to have a social life in-between. I feel like I wake up and every moment is dedicated to someone else and that I'm just going through the daily motions (though I need the money and want the degree).
Carolyn Hax: Give yourself small breaks, even if they're just for 15 minutes; go easy on the social life, unless isolation makes the pressure feel worse; if you start to scare yourself, don't rule out cutting back. Otherwise, do what the rest of us do. Chant "this is temporary this is temporary" and keep a chocolate bar in your desk.
Sunny Florida: Any suggestions for coping skills for an adult whose still married parents' favorite phrase is "Don't tell your mother/father..." They say this about everything -- things I tell them about me, my job, my relationship, their jobs, their HEALTH, etc.
Carolyn Hax:"You know I can't promise that, Ma"; "You know I can't promise that, Dad"; "You know I can't promise that, Ma"; "You know I can't promise that, Dad"; and keep a chocolate bar in your desk.
Online only, please!: What's your opinion of dating a person who is separated and whose divorce is moving forward? I was completely against it until I met this person. The chemistry and connection are undeniable, but I'm very wary (as well I should probably be, right?).
Carolyn Hax: Actually, no. You should be wary of ignoring your instincts and believing what you're "supposed" to believe. Obviously there are times when facts should speak louder than your gut--say, when the person you're dating has 17 ex-spouses who all look suspiciously like you--and I'd be wary of tuning out your judgment in favor of "connection and chemistry."
But if your judgment tells you this marriage is over except for the ink on the paper, and if there's a transparency to the proceedings (and the guy) that allows you to believe there are no lurking secrets, then I think it's okay to let yourself be an adult and decide for yourself.
Portland, Ore.: I just ate the chocolate bar in my desk. Now what?!
washingtonpost.com: Same. Thanks a lot, C.
Carolyn Hax: No problem.
25 and doomed: Is it bad to begrudge an elderly in-law who will be moving in when you're only 25? I feel like such a selfish meanie, but gee, I had really hoped for my husband and I to have a life of our own a little while more.
Carolyn Hax: Actually, I think it's wrong to let the in-law move in while you have all this unresolved resentment. Bad for you, but also bad for the in-law, who deserves to move into a place free of unexploded emotional ordnance.
Talk to your husband. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself. If you're telling yourself it's a done deal, you have no choice, then you aren't being honest with yourself. There is always a choice--even if it's just, "I let this relative move in or I leave my marriage." Drastic, sure, but it's still a choice, which means you've made the actual calculation that you'd rather be married and living with this relative than not married. And when you treat it as your calculation, vs. treating it as something forced on you, you're going to deal with it better.
Not great, mind you, just better--you can still be angry at someone for forcing such a nasty choice on you. But talking about it can help you understand the choice forced on the person forcing you, and the choice forced on the person forcing him, and on down the chain of rotten choices. That kind of perspective can help.
And when even that doesn't help, it can be useful to have someone objective to talk to--amateur or pro. Good luck.
To Tell or Not to Tell?: Dear Carolyn,
I'm all for telling a friend that you've developed romantic feelings for them.
What about telling that to a friend who is in a rocky relationship, and now and then talks about getting out?
Carolyn Hax:"I can't advise you objectively because I have feelings for you of my own." That way you're saying only what you need to say, and only when it's necessary to say it.
Eating the, Chocolate: That's why I keep several chocolate bars in my desk...
Carolyn Hax: Genius!
The Elementary School conspiracy.....: The first generation of Feminists had it completely wrong......you don't lose your identity when you get married - you lose it when your kids go to school.
For the woman in today's column: Your sister-in-law is actually doing you a favor by helping to prepare you for the total loss of personal identity that comes when you have school-aged children. Frankly, it doesn't matter what your name is -- because at your kid's school you'll always be known by Mrs. (insert child's surname here) or as (name of child)'s Mom.
Carolyn Hax: I think Mrs. somebody needs a nap.
On the move, USA: My boyfriend and I (dating four years) are talking about moving in together after a lot of time spent long-distance. Any advice for the transition? We both know it's going to be quite a change.
Carolyn Hax: Have you considered taking it slowly and not moving in together?
I know you have, but have you given your reasons for ruling it out a legitimate challenge? It's good that you're not going in to this with a bunch of naive hopes, but when you're going into it with trepidation, it does beg the question.
Drying Ink: It's not just about the formal divorce proceedings being final, though--as I painfully learned, it's also about whether the emotional bond has been severed in a healthy way.
Carolyn Hax: Actually, that's exactly what I meant--if it's just a metter of signatures, and there isn't a lingering emotional element to it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't, and the status of the legal procedings is not a reliable measure of that. It can be done, signed and over and there still could be emotional fallout. Or there can be a legal separation and no fallout, except for some toe-tapping while the paperwork runs its course. Pay attention, ask questions and be honest with yourself--a lot more effective than listening to someone who lumps everyone into one category, and says, "I'd never date someone whose divorce wasn't final."
First Breakup: Back in November I (finally) met my first boyfriend. However, he has lately been saying some hurtful things about my job (too low-status) and my figure (too plump)with the caveat that these things don't matter to him. And he still doesn't want to be monogamous. Thus, we're not going to last much longer and I'm nervously contemplating my first breakup. Even if it's the right thing to do, I'm afraid it'll be painful and depressing and make me feel as though I'll always be alone. Any advice?
Carolyn Hax: It'll be painful and quite possibly exhilarating--taking command of your own well-being does have its charms--and if you're alone, that'll be an improvement over someone who treats you badly. I know it's easy to connect the dots between being alone and thinking it's because there's no one out there who likes you enough to treat you well, but don't start down that path. There are 3 billion people out there of your preferred sex, and a good precentage of them would be honored to know you; it's being in the right part of the globe at the right time in the right frame of mind that can get in the way, since we 6 billion people have managed to come up with, let's think for a second ... exactly two non-cringeworthy ways of meeting each other. And so, if you're not inclined to roam the earth wearing a "date me" shirt, you make a happy life for yourself, right where you want that life to be.
This guy is the first pancake. You can throw it away without dwelling on it.
Washington, D.C.: Help! I gave up chocolate for Lent....
Carolyn Hax: Lemon bars, date-nut bars, peanut butter cookies, sugar cookies, shortbread, vanilla ice cream with caramel, apple pie with vanilla ice cream and caramel, pecan piiiiie (said a la Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally ..."
I have never felt so evil.
for the Overly Booked Life: It might help if, when she feels like every waking minute is dedicated to someone else, she reminds herself that those minutes are actually dedicated to HERSELF. Because at the end of it all, she'll have a degree she wants, the means to pay for the things she wants and needs, and (if she doesn't have to completely curtail social life) plans to out with her best pal.
In other words, look at what she's getting out of it, not what she's putting out to get it. Works for me, anyway.
Carolyn Hax: Works for me, too. Thanks.
Beautiful Silver Spring, Md.: What are the two non-cringeworthy ways of meeting someone of my preferred sex? All the ways I know cause cringing.
Carolyn Hax:1. Natural proximity (neighbor, coworker, classmate, friend-of-friend), or 2. accidentally spilling your wine on his or her lap.
Alexandria, Va.: My brother died in his sleep a little over a week ago. He was 36 and although he had lots of serious health problems, this was unexpected. Because we were so close, I'm having a hard time. I managed to come back to work today, but my ability to concentrate isn't nearly up to 100 percent and I feel totally up and down. One minute I'm laughing, remembering something funny he said, and the next minute tears start welling up because I realize that I'm going to spend every day for the rest of my life without my brother. Is this normal? Any advice? I can see that I'm making progress each day and I have lots of support from friends, family, and co-workers, and will see a therapist if I need it. I've lost other relatives, my father who I wasn't close to, and a grandfather who I was close to, but this makes me feel as close to devasted as I can get without completely falling apart.
Carolyn Hax: I am so sorry. It is devastating, and you're doing everything you can possibly do, which is, as you're discovering, not even remotely up to the task. The only thing that can fix an absence is a presence, and he's not coming back, so there's no fixing it.
But there are things that will make the pain more bearable, and they are, fortunately, built in. One is time. The other is your humanity. We are not wired to feel intense things for long periods of time. This can be comforting especially when you're in one of those scary times when you're feeling just so -much- that you think you're going to break. You won't, and the sheer volume of emotion will recede, a little and then a little more and then a little more, and you'll start to feel little spots of near-normalcy. You might already be close. You'll still get intensely emotional, but with growing spans in between.
And another thing is memory. Just as someone you love is alive for you for the days or weeks between phone calls, your brother is alive for you in your memory. You were so lucky to have had him; that's what your intense grief is telling you.
And finally you have what you learned from your brother. You have an emotional memory to carry with you as a known source of comfort, and if and when something like it comes your way again, you'll know it and appreciate it, as you appreciated him.
Even this won't feel like much. But everyone who has felt what you're feeling is rooting for you now. Hang in there.
RE: Drying Ink: : In the state of Virginia it is considered adultery until the divorce is final. I have a friend who is trying to date my pre-divorce friend. It's not worth the risk right now.
Carolyn Hax: I respect what you're saying and a law's a law, but the state of Virginia seems to have a lot to say about people's personal lives, and I really think it should mind its own business.
Weary: For all practical purposes, our marriage is over, but we're staying in it for the kids. We don't fight, but we also don't talk, hold hands, kiss, or sleep in the same bed. Our kids have asked why we don't sleep together and whether we still love each other.
Is it possible we're doing our children more harm by staying together?
Carolyn Hax: It's possible. Or, not. Stable home, or healthy example? People argue themselves purple on behalf of both of these. All you can do is judge, to the best of your ability, what best serves your children given your situation. You can also talk to trusted friends and/or reputable professionals, and take a good hard look at the emotional health of your children, if you're having trouble sorting it out.
I mean, duh. Of course you;re having trouble. It's a hellish choice. But I'm guessing you know what I mean.
Two days: I know this is an impossible question, but I am now halfway through my third sober day in a row -- after being a very heavy, very secret drinker for a very long time. How am I ever going to keep this up for the rest of my life? I can't imagine joining AA -- or going to some kind of treatment center. How do I do this on my own?
Carolyn Hax: You can get into private counseling with someone who treats alcoholism and other addictions. You can also use some AA strategies, even if you don't go--you don't think "rest of my life," you think today, and then, tomorrow, you think today again. You can go to http:/
Re: divorce/adultery: I think the point about it being adultery until the divorce is final was that it could hurt the divorcing person in the settlement.
Carolyn Hax: Yes, absolutely. But then you aren't talking about people who've resolved it all and are just waiting for the signatures. When one is out looking for proof that the other is dating so they can rework the settlement, you have to have some heavy unresolved stuff going on.
You probably won't post this but...: Your point is EXACTLY why I moved from the state of Virginia. I'd rather have taxation without representation before I gave another cent to that backward state. Good for you for putting it out there, more people should be outraged on what that state tolerates (or more aptly, doesn't tolerate).
Carolyn Hax: No, I'm disgusted, so I'll post it. Unfortunately it's not just Virginia.
Atlanta, Ga.: I was just rejected from a graduate program in a form e-mail. I'm trying not to take it personally, but it is an ego blow. Any suggestions for processing?
Carolyn Hax: It's an opportunity for whatever it is you end up doing in lieu of this program.
Show of hands if you're grateful for being dinged from a grad program or four? (My hand is up.)
Carolyn Hax: Okay I lied. I didn't raise my hand, I was still typing with it. But I am sincerely grateful to several American studies programs.
Washington, D.C.: Heavy drinker, sober three days -- congratulations. Please get some medical advice -- see your own physician. Abrupt withdrawal from alcohol addition can have serious health consequences. I'm not suggesting you take a drink, just that you take care.
Carolyn Hax: Righto, thanks. If I'm not mistaken, it can trigger major depression, among other things.
Secret Drinker: Hi Carolyn,
Secret drinker, please also, at some point, start considering what it would be like to shine some light on your secret. Maybe try an AA meeting, just to find out what it's like to be in a non-judgmental atmosphere for a short while. It seems there is so much shame bottled up inside of you. That's probably just me and my experience of finding out that the shame is worse than the disease.
Carolyn Hax: It's a good point, thanks.
Late Bloomer: Carolyn, I'm a 26-year-old woman who's never been in a relationship. In fact, I've never even been kissed. I'm not completely repulsive, just really shy. Realizing that I wasn't meeting people at work/gym/church I posted a profile on an internet dating site, and got lots of responses. I'm considering meeting a couple of these guys (in a public place, obviously). But I feel kind of handicapped. In terms of dating experience, I'm behind your average 13-year-old. Any advice?
Carolyn Hax: Realize the 13-year-olds eventually figure it out--either in high school, as you think they do, or in their own time (18, 27, 35, 49) as they really do. Just move at your pace and don't apologize for it. In other words, the "normal" people aren't all hanging out together laughing at the "abnormal" ones. Though maybe they are and I just wasn't invited.
Still Married Parents: Hi Carolyn, et al;
To the parent who wonders whether to stay together for the kids - it sounds like both of them know it's over, and the kids are asking questions - how can this be setting a good example? It seems so sad a place to grow up.
Carolyn Hax: Now I want to cry. Yes, it does seem sad--and for some kids separate households are sad, especially if one parent takes a big economic hit and visibly struggles, and so it comes back to the same thing: How is your arrangement working for the kids, and is it possible this one could be improved or a better one can be made (that isn't based in fiction, like "Mommy and Daddy will love each other again")?
Rockville, Md.: I have a friend getting married this summer. This is her second marriage, and I hope she will be truly happy. But she never misses an opportunity to mention that she got involved with someone too soon after her first marriage ended and it was an awful terrible mistake blah blah blah ad nauseum.
Whenever ANYONE mentions a new relationship after a long-term one has ended, she brings up this failed romance. Whenver anyone mentions a new relationship with someone who has recently had a long-term relationship end, she brings up this failed romance.
This failed romance lasted about two months, and ended 2 years ago. Her bitterness and anger about this guy -- and her constant bringing it up -- make me wonder about the future of her coming marriage. We're reasonably close... not best buddies, but more than passing friends. Would it be appropriate for me to say anything to her? Or not? If so, what?
Carolyn Hax: Since she's giving you ample opportunities to weigh in, how about, "Maybe that relationship was a mistake, but maybe in a way you needed it, to get some stuff out of your system." Divorces bring on grief, too, and all the big emotions it entails. She probably doesn't want to hear it though.
Arlington, Va.: I started crying last night and I can't stop. Why? I don't know. A minor thing happened last night that set me bawling. I don't know what's wrong... even my boyfriend was practically in tears because he didn't know what to do. I'm getting through the day by telling everyone I have a cold and keeping the door shut. What's wrong with me?
Carolyn Hax: Is the minor thing really minor? Is there something else going on that you've tried to minimize or brush off? Are you in withdrawal from anything, on any new medications, PMSing, overtired? In denial?
Do you have a good regular doctor who would take your call, or an Employee Assistance Program at work?
Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,
Thanks for taking my question. I have a preschool-age half sister who lives with my father and step-mother. They live pretty far away (not in the US) and I don't get to see them very often, but I do love my sister very much. The problem is my father.
My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I lived with my mother. My father moved out of the country, and I would visit him in the summers. From when I was age 7 to about 10, my father sexually abused me. I never told anyone about it when I was a kid, and I am not sure why he stopped.
Needless to say, it messed me up. I felt dead inside for a long time. It wasn't until I started therapy when I was in college that I was able to deal with it. Several years later, I feel as though I have been able to move on, although I have never been able to either tell my mother about it or confront my father about it.
Now that I have a little sister, I know I need to do all I can to make sure she is safe. My thought is to talk to my step-mother about what happened to me, so that she can be aware of the danger. I think I should also talk to my father, although I dread doing it. My fear is that my father will deny it, and my step-mother won't believe me, and that they will cut me out of my sister's life. I just don't know what to do. I feel like nothing is a good option, and that there is so much to lose.
Carolyn Hax: There is, and so I agree you have to do all you can. But since the stakes are so high, I think you need to make moves that are as well-thought out and effective as possible, so as to anticipate any problems. Do you have a therapist still where you are now? And if not, what are the chances you can get in touch with the person who treated you when you were in college? I say that so you cut through the process of telling your story and developing trust, and go straight to a plan of action. Many counselors will consult by phone with an established patient.
If that's not possible, RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network) at 1-800-656-HOPE might be able to connect you to a local practitioner with experience handling these cases.
Add to that list of questions: Pregnant?
Carolyn Hax: Riiiight. Thanks.
Washington, D.C.: I'm curious, does Liz ever have a conflict of interest trying to produce your chat while monitoring her Friday list developments at the same time? I know I have to keep two screens going at once....
washingtonpost.com: I manage quite handily.
Carolyn Hax: Liz is actually a team of clever, technically adept, nausea resistant people. I don't think it's possible for any one person to monitor problems, celebrities and problem celebrities without adverse health consequences.
Ashland, Ore.: I need alone time, but I share a one bedroom apartment with my partner. My work days are filled with tension (the kind that makes you feel like you're going to start lashing out at your boss and her ridiculous assistant)(yes, I am in therapy about that and will be leaving the job in the next few months). Getting to chill out alone quietly for a while (an hour or two) at home sometimes feels so nice and really necessary. But again, one bedroom with a partner. The tv in the main room is always -- ALWAYS -- on when he's home. If I go to our room, I get bombarded by questions about why I'm not paying attention or am I mad at him, etc. Sometimes I'll spend a little extra time in the bathroom because it's quiet and solitary, and then he starts looking for me and asking what I'm doing. I don't always need this time, but when I do and I can't have it, then all the tension from my day comes bubbling over and I become admittedly awful to be around.
How can I convey that sometimes, while I adore him and think he's wonderful, I really need some peace and quiet when he's around and that it has nothing to do with him?
Carolyn Hax: Well, actually, ahem. It sounds like you can share 5500 sf spread over 12 rooms with this guy and still not have any space. You need to explain to him, nicely, when you aren't in a state of immediate privacy need, that it is part of your personality to need time alone to regroup. Give it a name, like "introvert," if you have to, though if he can't grasp the concept without a whiteboard and a marker, I'm nor sure he's teachable.
Anyway, point this out to him, and then give him a chance to process this highly normal and legitimate request. If he just can't be with you without always BEING with you, then I don't think you're it for each other, no matter how much stress you manage to counsel or transfer or resign out of your life.
Re: Crying gal: Possibly pregnant.
Good news is, her boyfriend seems concerned and solicitous, which is a good start on fatherhood.
Carolyn Hax: So, crying person in office--any of this helping? If I say, "cheesecake," is that now the only thought in your mind?
Carolyn Hax: I can't be stopped today. Sorry.
Whoville: Who is pregnant? Carolyn is?
Carolyn Hax: No no no (no no no), the person with the sudden-onset, uncontrollable crying jag.
First Pancake?: Please tell me you got that from Gilmore Girls!!!
Carolyn Hax: I think the Gilmore Girls writer(s) got that from ... Idunno, around. That's an expression I've used and heard for years.
Re still married parents: One thing that stuck out to me is the original poster said she and her husband don't talk. If they really want to stay together for the kids, maybe they should talk about how to be able to talk to one another enough that the kids feel things are normal. They're asking questions because they know something is up. (I have married friends who sleep in separate rooms and the kids don't ask.)
So even if you don't want to be married, if you want to raise your kids together, you need to find a way to do that positively, cooperatively, collaboratively and respectfully.
Carolyn Hax: Thanks. I've got a whole lot of posts weighing in on this. Anyone? Or have we said what needs to be said?
Carolyn Hax: I've also got a bunch underscoring the importance of medical supervision for the suddenly former heavy drinker. So, suddenly former heavy drinker, please make an appointment ASAP. And not for a checkup two months from now. Thanks.
Anonymous: About 4-5 months ago a girl who I hung out with a lot and who I thought was a good friend suddenly started declining or ignoring all of my invitations to do stuff, hang out, etc. Thinking she was just busy, it took me awhile to figure out she was shutting me out. I tried to discuss this with her, but couldn't get anything resembling a clear answer, so I have no idea what happned. I've accepted that we're probably just not friends anymore, but she's still part of my larger circle of friends and it's getting awkward. I'm getting ready to throw a bridal shower for another girl in our group and of course will invite the girl who has cut me off, but I'm not sure how to act once she shows up at my house. I want to be polite and welcoming because she will be a guest, but I have no desire to be especially warm. What do you suggest?
Carolyn Hax: Polite and welcoming but not especially warm. I think some recently ostracized cavepeople came up with this at the dawn of man, and there's been no need to improve upon it since.
Crying in the office for no reason!: Me too, but mine has been all week. (Maybe we should talk, wouldn't it be great if we work just down the hall from each other!) Let's just say that I am so lucky I have a door to close. I'm unlucky in that my boyfriend gets angry when he can't make me feel better/ understand what is wrong, so he is no good at consoling me. Anyway, good luck! Its almost the weekend!
Carolyn Hax: Maybe you;re crying because you have a boyfriend who gets mad at you when you cry.
Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn --
I'm 28 and single. The majority of my friends are married or getting married this summer. It means I have been invited to countless weddings, showers, bachelorettes, etc. I am saying no to a lot of events, but am starting to feel like I'm the last single person on earth! How can I make it through Wedding Season without having weekly crying episodes and becoming overly bitter about the entire summer? I've already gracefully declined several events, but damn, brides sure are good at guilt trips. I realize this is the only thing going on in their lives, but I'm a little tired of being the token single and moping my way through every weekend. (One bride even told me that because I wasn't dating anyone I couldn't bring a guest, but to be prepared because everyone else going to her wedding is dating someone so Iw ill be the only single person there). I think I'll just say no and take all the money I was going to spend on gifts, travel, and dresses, and go to the beach.
Carolyn Hax: Sounds like a plan. I know this is hard to see right now, but this is a blip, the real-life consequence of that (double-bell) graph of ages of marriage. Once you get over the peak, wedding culture slides into your past and takes its funhouse mirror with it. You're fine. Your friends are fine (except that one bride). If you're not throwing them, weddings are just parties, which are fine. Go to the ones you don't have to travel to attend, eat the food, drink the wine, dance gamely, and remind yourself you're there because you like (or liked) the person who is getting married.
And if you mope, I'm sticking toilet paper to your shoe.
Maryland: Do we get to play "Find The Column" again today? So far, I'm failing...
washingtonpost.com: Here it is. We've been having some publishing system problems this morning and, trust me, are just as frustrated as you.
Carolyn Hax: I missed this earlier. Sorry!
Identity Lost?: Against my wishes, my wife kept her last name since it was her identity.
What floors me is that the feminists don't realize that unless the woman plans on dying early, is really old upon marriage, or plans on it failing, they will spend MORE time married then they were single.
And how different is this than when you were younger, you were known as "(Parents' name) daughter". That identity disappeared.
Carolyn Hax: Easy for you to say, you who have never been in a position of being asked (or, in your wife's case, pressured) to surrender your surname. One of the dehumanizing tactics used against slaves in America was to take away their surnames of birth, and either refer to them by first names only or assign them the names of their masters. You are willfully dismissing this as a legitimate -human- issue, one at least worthy of discussion and respect, by dismissing it as "feminist." How proud you must be to be you.
Richmond, Va.: Do you ever read the comments that are attached to your columns?
Carolyn Hax: I've looked a couple of times, but my mail, columns, chats and chat outtakes have dibs 1 through 4 on my time (so people who post comments assuming I'll get them would be better served by emailing them to email@example.com).
Carolyn Hax: That's it. Thanks everybody, and type to you next week.
Depressing chat: Carolyn, this chat is getting too depressing. It makes me want to start kicking cute puppies and small children. Can we end on a happy note? I've eaten all of the chocolate hidden in my desk.
Carolyn Hax: Two words: vending machine. Maybe this will help, too:
Crying in Office too: I was crying today too. Broke up with my boyfriend. I don't have a door (I work in a laboratory with 8 other people). Bonus for me: everything I order comes with ice packs. They've been really helpful today. Would love to share these to with the others but then I couldn't deliver them and finish working all at the same time.
Carolyn, don't you think there should some sort of restaurant only for people who are crying and hungry (I'm starving but the ice pack hasn't finished working yet.)
Carolyn Hax: See? Funny breakup story. Don't hurt any puppies or children.
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