Some Relief for 'Mommy Guilt'

Cynthie Bush of Herndon squeezes in time with Lindsey, 4, and Carson, 7. (By Carol Guzy -- The Washington Post)

Post staff write Donna St. George was online Tuesday, March 20 at 2 p.m. to discuss her story about a new University of Maryland study that shows mothers today are spending more hours each week with their children than in past decades.

Submit your questions or comments before or during the discussion.

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Donna St. George: Hi everyone, and welcome to our chat today. I look forward to hearing from you. I see we have a few questions already, so let's begin.

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Ithaca, N.Y.: I appreciated your articles very much. I think it's part of a general theme in society (American society perhaps, or is it more global?) in terms of there being a longing for "good old days" that in fact never existed. People say about "nowadays it's not safe to (fill in the blank)" yet crime rates on a per capita basis are down dramatically. Folks complain about the cost of things, but on a purchasing power basis, incomes for even the poorest segments of society have doubled since world war two. And, as you so rightly point out, for all the whining about "outsourced" child care, folks are spending not just more time but better time with their kids than ever before.

Count me in as one of those people who's glad to be living in the 21st century, with low crime, safe cars, antibiotics, air travel...

Donna St. George: Thanks for writing. I think one of benefits of the study was to allow us to look at family life in a longer view, to see it in a more historical context.

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Maryland Grandmother: Personally, I don't know why so many people (mothers, evidently) feel so compelled to try and be there constantly for and with their children. It's not healthy for either one. You are not supposed to try and be their best friend and confidante, nor is it your job to fill their every waking moment with assignments of varying sorts. You are not whats-her-name from "The Love Boat", this isn't a cruise ship, or a camp.

Send them outside to play in the yard (hover at the window if you must), there is something to be said for watching the ants, building a bird house, tying up your younger sibling to the swing set; let them learn how to be people, people!

Geez. Cut yourselves some slack. It's doesn't have to be perfect to be a GREAT life.

Donna St. George: Thanks for writing. Great to hear from the previous generation. You make some points that I suspect others will appreciate.

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Mom in Richmond: Thanks for taking our questions!

I don't see what the big fuss is about?!?! I really believe in spoiling my kids because it's better to overdo than UNDERdo with them. And if they want to live with me the rest of their lives, so what? My kids are the center of my life and I want them in my sight forever!

Donna St. George: Thanks for your e-mail. Love to hear what others have to say about this.

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Arlington, Va.: What were women doing 40 years ago that cut into their time with their kids? The article mentions housework, for instance.

Donna St. George: You're right, the research shows that women were doing a lot more housework 40 years ago -- a lot more cooking, a lot more washing floors, etc. The study mentions technology as a factor. Today parents use microwaves, convenience foods.

One grandmother I interviewed mentioned how she spent less time cooking than her mother, and how her daughter spends less time cooking than she did.

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Denver: I do sometimes feel guilty that I don't spend more time with my children -- but I also know I would go crazy if I didn't work and couldn't carve out regular date nights with my husband (their father) or just a few hours to spend alone.

Do women have a self-sacrificing gene that makes them think they have to be available to their children all the time?

Donna St. George: Thanks for writing. Others want to respond?

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Rockville, Md.: As the product of spoiling, I would ask the mom in Richmond to be careful. You can't take care of them forever. They won't want to live with you forever. You need to equip them to handle life in the real world. I had a huge and rough adjustment dealing with life on my own, and while I recognize that my parents tried to do their best, had they let me be more independent, and figure out how to solve problems on my own, I would have been much better off in the long run. I would say that wanting to always keep your children in your sight is a bit selfish, because you're not taking their best interests to heart -- you're taking your desire to keep them around (For what it's worth, I don't have kids ... at least not yet)

Donna St. George: One response to the Richmond mom....

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Portland, Ore.: Thank you Maryland Grandmother!

Much as an article like this is intended to be positive and upbeat, it just feels like these overwhelmed, guilt-ridden exhausted mothers are somehow supposed to represent the "norm" we should all be striving for, and I can't accept that.

Thanks for the sane and reasonable response, MG.

Donna St. George: And here's one in response to the Maryland grandmother. We are getting a lot of great questions here, a lot of interesting points.

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Fairfax, Va.: I know I'm not alone in wondering if the new style of parenting -- this super-parenting -- is just way too much. I am the mother of a 3-year-old and I think the most important thing for him to do is to play, use his imagination, and be a toddler, while learning how to get along with others. No organized classes or alphabet flashcards or French lessons. But the pressure is there to do these things. Do you think many mothers take on this style of parenting because of peer pressure?

Donna St. George: Thanks for raising that point. Several of the experts I talked to mentioned that many mothers can be vulnerable to a subtle peer pressure -- because everyone wants to do a good job raising their children. I'd love to hear from our online audience about what kind of role peer pressure plays.

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Arlington, Va.: I'm a lawyer in a not too stressful law firm downtown, where I can work reasonable hours, but definitely not quite 9 to 5. My fiance and I are looking for houses. The big question is: do we live further out, with a nicer house and more space for our future kids, but more commuting time or do we live further in, with a much smaller, less nice house that is closer to work? I know this is the age-old question, but I don't want to move to one or the other location and end up either regretting losing time with my kids to be on the road or regretting not giving my kids the space and room they each need to grow happily (I shared a room with my sister growing up and I think we would have had a FAR better relationship had we not).

Donna St. George: You're right, this is an age-old question. Let's hear from our online audience about this one. How do you resolve this conflict. Is it better to have the shorter commute, with more time, or the more spacious house, with more room for the kids?

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Crofton, Md.: A great article, and definitely the foundation for some interesting discussion. Guilt seems to be a recurring theme in the lives of most working mothers that I know, including myself. I feel guilty at home if I have to take a work call or catch up on some reports. I feel guilty at work because I'm not spending quality time with my children, or because, in order to do work in the field I enjoy, I have to contend with a 90 minute commute each way most weekdays. I've been in the workforce for 26 years, and have a 4- and 8-year old. I must admit that I have seen the workplace become more flexible in terms of work life balance. What's missing is unstructured time. Everything is scheduled -- whether it's daycare, soccer, dance or "play-dates." A friend of mine who is a stay-at-home mom spent last summer with her kids waking up and "seeing where the day takes us." Regretfully, I will never have that kind of perspective. Oh, did I mention my house is a mess and I'd hire a housekeeper but feel guilty about spending the money as opposed to doing it myself?

Donna St. George: Thanks for writing. I interviewed several women who had similar stories. Many of them talked about limiting their children's activities in order to preserve more of the unstructured time that you mention. It seems that many families find they have to choose to leave days open for free play.

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Rockville, Md.: Donna -- What an interesting topic. What are you hearing back from other readers? Why do you think people feel so strongly about this issue? Thanks for a great read.

Donna St. George: Thanks for writing. Stories about motherhood and parenting always seem to touch a nerve because people feel so strongly about how they are raising their children. I've gotten many e-mails from readers who feel time-stressed because of jobs, commutes, children's needs, household duties. This is something we all live with and that people really want to talk about.

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Loudoun mom of five: Come on, everyone seems to be pussy-footing all around the real deal here: these parents all want their kids to have a competitive advantage versus other kids -- so they will get into special programs etc. and ultimately -- ta da! -- into a high status university to maintain the Fairfax/Loudoun lifestyle. I'm not unsympathetic, really, I mean who ever imagined that it would take $500,000 to purchase the most minimal home out here? I'm contrary and counter-cultural enough to have rejected that early on and can reassure parents that if they get the focus off the child and onto the couple and the family -- the kids will do just fine. If the child is the mother's entire world, she undermines what is the most essential thing for the child -- the family. At some point you have to force yourself to become mature and confident enough to find the balance right for you and tell off any suburban soccer cult's idea of what is good and sound for your life. Happy mom makes a happy family!

Donna St. George: Thanks for raising that point. I interviewed a number of mothers who talked about pressures in the community. They feel they fall short if their children aren't on the local swim team at age 5, or are not part of the gifted and talented program, or do not play a musical instrument.

I think you're right, there is more competition out there. Mothers internalize that more than fathers do, according to the experts I interviewed for the story.

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Bethesda, Md.: I guess there must be something wrong with me. I have been working full time for 24 years and have children ages 15, 12, and 5 and do not feel guilty in the slightest about my parenting. I am not perfect and my children are not perfect, but we're all happy, healthy, and well adjusted. I am tired of the media fomenting these feelings in women (and I'm a journalist!) and tired of seeing women beat themselves up all the time. The Post missed the story, too; the news is in how much more involved fathers are.

Donna St. George: I think you're right, that the fathers are an important part of the story here. I've heard in e-mails from fathers who are raising their children fulltime and single fathers. There's a lot more to write on this.

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To Arlington: There are nicer, older neighborhoods with good schools all over the place. My husband and I are definitely mid-income and our 50 year old house is on over an acre of land in Mantua's school district in Fairfax. We are in a great school district and our daughters have plenty of space to play outside - and neighbors to play with. You don't have to live in Loudon County and have a horrid commute...you just have to bide your time and do your research before jumping in.

Donna St. George: This comes as an answer to the time-versus-spacious house dilemma raised earlier...

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I really believe in spoiling my kids because it's better to overdo than UNDERdo with them.: whoa boy, I'd have to disagree with that! Overdoing creates spoiled selfish kids who grow up to be spoiled selfish adults.

Stepping back and letting kids do for themselves teaches them how to become self-sufficient and makes them appreciate what they have, and by extension, more compassionate to those who do not have.

Donna St. George: Here's another response to an earlier observation about whether it's possible to do too much for your children.

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Bethesda, Md.: I was really pleased to read the two articles this morning. I felt they were both right on the mark in my life. As a full-time working mom of a 1-year-old, I have working mom guilt all the time, but when I really think about it, I feel it may be media/Internet/reading too many blogs/Web sites-induced, as I know that the quality of the time we have together is awesome, for both of us. (That said, I do wonder how life would be different if we lived on one salary... but who doesn't ponder such "what ifs?") Same goes for the article about the Dads. My husband couldn't more involved in being a Daddy, yet it is clear how much more I do in the day-to-day organizing -- deciding what she will eat, what she will wear, packing bags for daycare, etc. It is exhausting and we both feel overextended. Yet... this past year has been the best of our lives.

So... what is the solution? Does there need to be a solution? Are you finding that exhausted, overworked parents can find any balance in just going with the flow? Do we just give in to it and live for the belly laugh moments? Or are we really at a crossroads culturally and it's time to re-examine our lifestyles as a whole and create a new reality? (Like that is possible?!)

Donna St. George: Thanks for your e-mail. Great questions, all. I'm not a parenting expert, so I have resisted offering anything prescriptive. But from interviewing many parents -- and many more experts than those who were named in the story -- it does seem that people have to find their own balance in life, and that that may be different things at different times. In the Maryland study, the researchers pointed out that many mothers are in and out of the workforce -- working fulltime, part-time, and flexing their lives around the needs of their children, their financial realities and their household circumstances.

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Washington, D.C.: I thought the comment in the article about the previous generation mom who read the newspaper for what seemed liked hours was great, and wish that more moms would insist on this kind of time for themselves now.

It is both appropriate and necessary for children to learn that sometimes they have to wait for mom to finish something she enjoys before mom will respond to them. Parents cannot be ever present for their children -- nor should they be. Children need to learn to amuse themselves, be self-reliant, and that their wants don't always come first.

Donna St. George: Along those lines, here's another comment.

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Shorter Commute, no question: We moved far out into a lovely house twice the size of our old one - and now, nine months later, we're moving right back to our old neighborhood into a small, old, unrenovated house. We are thrilled! We get two hours back to our day and that INCLUDES our two kids - living far out requires nearly 13 hours of separation each day. Ridiculous.

Donna St. George: Back to the issue of time versus house...

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Reston, Va.: Does no one just enjoy life anymore? It seems like everyone is so darn high strung about EVERYTHING... work, kids, free time. What's wrong with us? People are just overthinking everything. Why would anyone spend their free time listening to a lecture about "mommy guilt?" I was also confused by the woman who felt guilty for taking her kids on her errands. What's wrong with that? My daughter loves running errands together as a family.

I also think that the idea of "quality time" has gotten rather out of control. People are so obsessed with making sure every moment counts that they hardly even seem to enjoy just being with their kids. Some of my favorite times with my dad as a kid were watching "The Smurfs" together on Saturday mornings. I guess that doesn't count as "quality time" by today's standards, but I sure liked it a lot at the time.

Donna St. George: Here's another thought about whether families worry too much about time.

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Anonymous: I am printing this discussion out for my wife!

Donna St. George: Thanks! Glad to help.

This will close our on-line chat for today. Thanks so much for being here. If you'd like to continue this discussion, feel free to post comments to the story. And if anyone would like to share their thoughts or story ideas about family life, please feel free to email me at: stgeorged@washpost.com.

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