Post Magazine: The Promise

David Von Drehle's mother-in-law told him exactly where she wanted her ashes scattered. To honor her wish, he hiked a 14,255-feet slope in the Rocky Mountains to bring her ashes to their final resting place.

In this week's issue of The Washington Post Magazine, von Drehle tells his story.

David Von Drehle is a Washington writer.

____________________

David von Drehle: Good afternoon, and thanks for reading my piece. I'm grateful to Tom Shroder and the res of the Post Magazine staff for letting me share a very personal story.

_______________________

San Diego, Calif: Mine is a comment rather than a question. Your story moved me on many levels. As a hospice nurse I witness very intense family dynamics every day I work. I have seen it all; the good the bad and the ugly. The respect and love you demonstrated for your mother in law is touching. Your journey with her ashes was one of the heart as well as the body. Thank you for sharing your experience.

David von Drehle: Thank you for this note, and for your important work. I have enormous appreciation and respect for people who care for the dying and for their families. You make what is often a frightening and humiliating experience more bearable and meaningful.

_______________________

Gainesville, Fla: Were the photos taken by Marilyn's son? They really captured the mood of the piece.

David von Drehle: Yes, we were lucky that Marilyn's son, Joel, happens to be an accomplished photographer. You can see some of his other work on his website, JoelBall.net

_______________________

Columbus, Ohio: Did your experience influence whether you would like to be buried or cremated?

David von Drehle: What a good question. I haven't decided yet, although I am leaning toward cremation. It is less expensive for survivors and less intrusive on the environment. I am a religious person, but that doesn't affect my thinking--I imagine if God wants to put me back together someday He'll be able to figure out how.

The late, great Washington writer Marjorie Williams wrote a cancer memoir that was published posthumously in Vanity Fair and her book "The Woman At The Washington Zoo." In that piece, she speaks so candidly (Marjorie was always brutally candid) about the fears we all strangely harbor of both burial and cremation. So who knows what I'll think later ...

_______________________

Southern Maryland: David,

great article!

After my mother died (6 years ago), she too had wanted her ashes scattered and my husband, daughters and I did just that. It was such an emotional event for us but also freeing for all of us. She had suffered for many years with her illness and had said she wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered near the ocean. We had vacationed in Myrtle Beach (SC) for many years and so on a warm summer day some four months after her death, we went to the beach, said a prayer, told her we missed her and would see her again and let her ashes go. Tears spilling down our faces but a great feeling inside.

Thanks for your article. I'm sure many people nowadays choose cremation over burial like your mother-in-law and my mother did.

David von Drehle: What a beautiful story. I was struck by how much lighter my wife and father-in-law felt after Joel, Jim and I returned from the peak. Even though they weren't able to go with us, they, too, felt relief that the circle had been closed. These funeral and memorial events are for the living more than for the dead. I think it's a good thing that families are taking a stronger role in planning them and making them specific to the loved one who is gone.

_______________________

Columbus OH: Hi David,

This is Zane. I just wanted to let you know how appreciative I am, and I'm sure everyone who knew my grandmother is aswell, for what you did. I don't think that it's even possible to put into words how strong she was, especially towards the end, but the article was fantastic. Reading it really made me think about all the time I was able to spend with her when I lived in Colorado, and looking back I can have a huge appreciation for what an impact she had on me. The story is incredible, and I am sure the my grandma would have loved it.

Zane (Marilyn's Grandson)

David von Drehle: Hi, Zane!

Your testimonial speaks for itself. I'm glad you recognized your grandma in the portrait that I wrote.

Say hello to Maddie and your folks --

_______________________

Germantown, MD: Great story, Mr. Drehle, and it hit home. I love the Grand Canyon and have asked my family to scatter my ashes there when I die (assuming I don't fall off a cliff there, ha!). But speaking of falling off a cliff, did you see the frightened woman on you way back? What happened to her? Did Tom the Bu..., er, Editor make you take it out?

David von Drehle: You know, I'm glad you asked that. She made it to the top! Big smile on her face. I should have put that in, shouldn't I?

And for the record, Tom Shroder is one of the best editors in the business. The only reason he and Gene Weingarten have their friendly tiffs is that Gene rarely encounters someone as good with prose as he is. It annoys him.

_______________________

Washington, DC: I enjoyed your article very much. Although I now live in the Washington area, my father was a summer ranger in Rocky Mountain National Park. I spent my summers climbing the mountains there, and I have climbed Longs Peak 4 times. It has been many years since my last climb, and your article reminds me what an exciting trip it is.

Your article mentions a meadow where you and Marilyn looked up at Longs Peak. Do you remember the name of the meadow?

David von Drehle: Four times! As soon as I was down, I thought about going up again ... but as Frost says, "knowing how way leads on to way / I doubted that I should ever come back."

In Dougald MacDonald's book about Longs Peak, he mentions a guide who once climbed the peak more than 30 times in a single MONTH. That was Enos Mills, the father of Rocky Mountain National Park, and the meadow in which we had that conversation is the old Mills homestead. It is on US 7 (I think) just north of the trailhead entrance.

_______________________

Denver, Colo: Thanks, David, for sharing your experience. More than just an account of your day, this is a loving tribute to Aunt Marilyn. Congratulations on the climb and on a terrific article. Tell Karen I said hello.

Chris Mohler

David von Drehle: More from the family ... thanks for reading, Chris.

_______________________

Kansas City, Mo : David, I am not sure if you will remember me, I am a childhood friend of your wife Karen. Growing up I was called "Dee Dee" although my name is really Diana. Anyway,I went all through grade school & high school with Karen (and siblings) until they moved her sophomore year. I knew Marilyn & J Ball for along time and must say you captured her personality to a tee. I was sorry to see her in the wheelchair the last time they stopped over in KC (a few years back). We met at Melanie's home for a short visit; even Joel and his wife were there. Although she was in a wheelchair, she was still the same ole Marilyn. I never really knew if she liked me or not, but I was always welcome at their dinner table so I guess she did! I won't go on with my memories of her and the Ball family now. I just want to say I enjoyed your article and I am looking forward to talking with you in person after you and the family move back to KC. Once again, your article was very moving. Take Care, Diana Infranca, a/k/a Dee Dee Zlateff.

David von Drehle: And old friends, too. Thanks for writing, DeeDee.

_______________________

Vienna, VA: Did this make you want to climb other mountains or was it more a personal and a spiritual quest which is now completed?

David von Drehle:

I've asked myself this same question. It was a terrific experience and I would love to do more. I'd be thrilled if my kids decide that they like climbing, so that I could do some more mountains and keep my very precious time with them. Fingers crossed as they grow a bit more ...

_______________________

Baltimore, Md: Thanks for the interesting article. I was wondering if

fitness regimen you adopted to get in shape for the climb

has persisted--any new trips planned with your brother-

in-law and friend?

David von Drehle:

No! I'm VERY sorry to report that I have gone completely to pot. I still climbed stairs and run up the Metro escalators, but mostly I have let everything go during a period of job changes and too many projects. Hopefully your note will be just the kick in the rear that I need.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: My family also has annual reunions at the YMCA of the Rockies (has since the 1920s) and this year will come together to celebrate my grandmother's upcoming 90th birthday. With all of us scattered across the country, it's become a sort of surrogate homestead. I was just curious as to where you all stay at the Y -- in the cabins?

David von Drehle: We are such a big crowd (my wife and I have four kids, and we both come from large families) that we always get a cabin when we go to the Y. But when I was in high school and college I often stayed in the lodge rooms during retreats and conferences.

Folks out there looking for a wholesome, lovely family vacation should consider the Y of the Rockies ...

_______________________

washington, dc: Thank you for your very moving article. I admire your commitment to what seemed almost like an off-hand remark to your mother-in-law (you didn't write of any outright "I promise" statement). Was there one? Also, you were very fortunate to have, nearby, not one but two veteran hikers to accompany you. Do you think you would have been able to do this if you were indeed alone? Thanks again for sharing this very personal journey.

David von Drehle:

After that little conversation I wrote about, Marilyn and I never discussed the matter again. I would have been very unlike her to say anything more.

I don't think I could have done it without Joel and Jim. I definitely know I would not have wanted to do it without them. They really were perfect hiking partners.

_______________________

Washington, DC: I climbed Longs Peak a half a lifetime ago at age 30. I have on my wall a photo of my college roommate and me, clasping hands in triumph while sitting on the top of the largest bolder at the summit, '70s-era longish hair blowing in the wind. We camped in the park for about a week, warmed up for Longs by climbing Twin Sisters and another peak whose name I can't recall. We got caught in a thunderstorm on the way down and took shelter in that stone hut. I think I read later that someone was killed there in a lightening strike; the hut may have given us a false sense of security. I don't remember the Longs climb being as taxing as you report. On the other hand, I was younger than you when I did it. I have wondered on several occasions in recent years whether I now would chicken out at some of the dicier spots -- especially along the ledges beyond the Keyhole. It is a great place to contemplate eternity.

David von Drehle: Caught in a thunderstorm--yikes! As I wrote in the piece, people get killed by lightning every year in the Rockies, and Longs Peak is extremely susceptible. It storms up there on most summer aternoons, I think.

I tried not to exaggerate the difficulty of the Keyhole Route. It is a mere stroll for experienced climbers. As one employee of an Estes Park climbing shop sniffed to my brother-in-law: "I know guys who do that in shorts and Tevas."

As in, sandals.

_______________________

Cremations Impact on the Environment...: First off, very moving article, I really enjoyed and apologize in advance for asking such a technical question.

Is cremation really a better environmental alternative after death? Not to be insensitive, but I would think the energy that it takes to turn a body into ashes, would offset any benefits of it. I would think that it would be better to buried in a fast degrading card board box, or the like (which is what I have requested from my husband for me if he is not comfortable with cremation...)

David von Drehle: There is some debate as to the impacts of burning. You can get as deeply into it as you wish with a bit of Googling. Your option may, in fact, be best, but the cardboard choice is not widely embraced by people who choose to be buried.

_______________________

Betwix and Between: As my mother wanted, we buried her next to my father in his home state. Not close to DC at all. So, we don't visit. Tombstone not in place because of the distance(although we know exactly what she wanted). This is a burden she would not have wanted to leave.

Mother in law cremated, as she wanted, and is now fertilizing a rose garden--the same one as her husband. Nothing left to do but remember them both with love.

Time to decide what to do for us so our kids know what to do. Hard decision to make.

David von Drehle: It is a hard decision. I can definitely see the appeal of each one. The idea of a family plot somewhere is quite beautiful--especially if the descendants still have some real tie to the place. But families are so mobile these days. How do you choose a place that future generations might know about and visit?

For me, the most important thing to work on is the memory I will leave with my children and with my friends. That's what endures, more than any headstone.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: Your article was very moving to me--and, as a writer myself, it made me green with envy at your ability to be so eloquent and transcendent.

I have an aunt that I was reminded of when reading about your mother-in-law, not that their situations were exactly alike. My aunt is a chronic smoker who is nearly 300 pounds and her mobility -- or, more correctly, her will to be mobile -- are in serious decline. I go between feeling sorry for her and so angry at her for throwing her health away.

Because of this, I was impressed by how your mother-in-law gathered up the strength to fight her debilitation at the end, and I was also impressed by how you remained loving toward her regardless, both at the end of her life and in the way you honored her remains afterwards. When I find myself feeling angry and frustrated at my aunt, I will remember your story and your open-heartedness. Thank you.

David von Drehle: Well, thank you for those kind words.

The lesson here is that it's much easier to stay strong than to regain lost strength. It's frighteningly easy to get caught in a downward spiral of poor health.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va: I was with you every step of the way, perhaps because my husband and I also want to be cremated. I can identify with your wife's song. Here's mine: "Then shall the dust return unto unto earth as it was and the spirit shall return unto God who made it." My husband and I climbed to the top of Pike's Peak on our wedding trip. He hiked back down after putting me on the cog railway.

David von Drehle: I like that verse. I also like the idea of climbing Pikes Peak together on your honeymoon. Here's hoping you can repeat the trip on your 50th anniversary!

_______________________

Virginia: Thank you for a beautiful piece which integrated the human with the divine in such an unusually skillful way. I particularly appreciateed the obvious (but not intrusive) research you obviously undertook to write this article.

David von Drehle: I'm glad you liked it. One of my best friends calls me "Grave Dave" in part because of my excessive interest in subjects like this.

_______________________

Annapolis, Md.: You are a special son-in-law to be willing to carry out Marilyn's wishes. We have visited the Rockies several times and the scenery is spectacular. Thank you for sharing your story .

David von Drehle: Well, shucks. I appreciate you saying that, but let's not overdo it. I got more out of this trip than I gave--I got in shape, I had an unforgettable day in the company of good friends, I had (literally) a peak experience ... AND I had the satisfaction of meeting a physical challenge, which is important to a guy in his 40s.

I also got more out of my relationship with Marilyn than she did. I got a wife, soulmate, best friend and mom to my kids. She got some crossword puzzle books and a ride up Longs Peak.

_______________________

Manassas, Virginia: Thanks for the great narrative. What makes it particularly appealing is the interweaving of the personal with facts that you must have researched. How long did this piece take to plan and write?

David von Drehle: I'm glad to said "plan and write" because the planning was the real bear. Once I figured out how to write it--what elements should come in which places, and how they should be linked up--the actual composition was fairly quick. A week or so. But that figuring-out process went on for months.

_______________________

Ogunquit, Maine: What was Marilyn's relationship like to her other children? Did they hike as well?

David von Drehle: I think Marilyn had a good relationship with all five of her children (one son, four daughters). The Ball family is very close. For various reasons of scheduling and health, none of the others were able to make the climb.

_______________________

Prince George's County MD: I look forward to reading your story this week.

Your book--"Triangle, the Fire that Change America"--is one of my all-time favorites.

Any more books forthcoming?

David von Drehle: I'll put this up just so I can thank this reader for the kind words about the book. I hope to have another one out in a year or so ...

_______________________

Washington, DC: Your language is so discriptive, that I found myself re-reading certain paragraphs and enjoying them a second time. Thanks,

margo

David von Drehle: Gee, Margo -- thanks! I hope I didn't overdo it.

_______________________

Washington, DC: Moving back to KC? Say it ain't so, David! If you do, please keep writing features for the Post. If Tom and Gene can write, you are at least their equal.

Don't go!

Signed,

Not your mom.

David von Drehle:

There is nothing to match the pride I've felt every time I've seen a piece of my work published in The Washington Post. It has been an enormous honor to work for this newspaper. I hope you'll find occasions to look for my stuff in Time magazine as I continue along life's highway.

Thanks to everyone for reading the piece, and for joining the chat!

DVD

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.