John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Fridays at 1 p.m. ET John is online to chat about his columns and mull over anything that's on your mind.

Discussion Archives/ Recent Columns

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It's 12:58 p.m.: We're tired of waiting. Let's get to it John!

John Kelly: Now it's 1 and we can begin.....

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John Kelly: Am I a celebrity? Of course not. I'm certainly not in Gene Weingarten terriroty. Still, because my fat mug sometimes runs with my column, I do occasionally get recognized by strangers, on the street or on the Metro. It's flattering, especially if it's someone who actually reads the column and has an opinion about it.

Last Saturday My Lovely Wife and I went to the Nationals game. We grabbed some hotdogs with 'kraut and sat down in our seats. I couldn't help noticing that two women at the end of the row kept looking at me. This went on for a few innings when one finally came over and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

Ah, here it comes, I thought. Yes, I am John Kelly. "What is it?" I asked.

"Where did you get that hot dog?"

I told her, then sat back down to watch the game.

But enough about me. What about you? I'm always curious about what people do. If you would, could you just describe your job along with your postings today? You don't have to. And of course, the well-known trope about the Internet is that we can pretend to be whomever we like. But maybe it will turn out that everyone who participates in this chat is an artisinal cheese maker, or something.

To recap the week: Sunday, Answer Man let readers do the talking. Monday an ad campaign for pistachios prompted me to ask

Who's the Biggest Nut in D.C.? (Feel free to make your own nomination.) For Tuesday's column I raced over to the

Georgetown library to see what could be salvaged from the Peabody Room. Wednesday we played

good tree/bad tree. (The only reason I wrote that column was so I could run that amazing photo of a tree squashing a Jeep. Some anti-SUV person should make a T-shirt.) And yesterday we revisited the case of the

disgruntled contractor who tried to sue some customers for criticizing him and is now suing the online site Angie's List.

Let's put away our subpoenas and chat for a while. Off we go.

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Heat gun: May have caused the Georgetown library blaze. Heat guns and books don't mix. Don't they sell chemical paint strippers? Will they dock that contactor's pay check?

John Kelly: That sort of thing happens so frequently you have to wonder if contractors and their workers don't get some sort of briefing before they begin work: "Okay, look, it's REALLY REALLY important that you don't set this place on fire, okay? Be EXTRA careful."

We don't know for sure that's the case here, but all you had to do was look at the scaffolding right near where the fire started to have a feeling it might be that. And if you are going to use a heat gun, how about keeping a fire extinguisher handy?

When I walked up to the fire, I saw two or three guys I took to be some of the contractors sitting morosely on the sidewalk of R Street. I hope all of them will be interviewed by the fire department.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Hi John,

Two things --

I saw your Red Line tree. Doesn't look too long for this world as it is in the middle of the construction side. What is that windowless box that has been undercontruction there forever? Maybe you should publish the "Bored Commuters Guide to the Outdoor Part of the Red Line".

Secondly, can we talk about what a collosally dumb idea a D.C. "congestion charge is? First, traffic in downtwon D.C. just isn't that bad. We've got tens of thousands of garage spaces, unlike cities like London. And, our central city isn't served by the vast network of subway, commuter rail and buses that New York and London have.

John Kelly: I've actually wanted to do exactly that story for a long time. I should get to it. I don't know what that windowless box is. It looked really cheap and flimsy when they started putting it up, but now it's all bricked in and even has some decorative sort of lintel running around the top. I assume it's some sort of power plant or switching station. Those trees--and there are several in the same general area--are real survivors. I'm surprised they've hung on too. It would have been easier to just chop em down, especially with all the construction activity there. Long live the trees, which I'm told are Paulownias.

Congestion charge? I liked it in London, when I was taking the subway everywhere. (You can see red lines painted on the pavement that show you when you're entering the C Zone.) But I don't think I'd like it in DC. For starters, the Metro would have to get a lot better--more frequent, more traincars, less breakdowns--if they're going to force people from their vehicles into public transportation. Also, why not add real bike lanes to all our major streets?

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Where can we see the Queen this weekend?: Will we be able to get close to the WWII Memorial when she's there? What's her timetable?

John Kelly: That won't be this weekend. This weekend she's playing the ponies down in Kentucky. She and the Duke will visit the WW2 memorial Tuesday. Here's her itinerary. How close will you be able to get? If you go the memorial now you'll probably be in a good spot for Tuesday. Then again, our story today said the crowds weren't that big in Richmond so maybe you can arrive at the last minute and still catch a glimpse, at least of her hat.

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Washington, D.C.: What do you think of Ted Leonsis sending two bloggers with his own staff to cover the Hockey World Championships in Moscow?

Ted's Take

John Kelly: Good for him. I'm a little skeptical of all the promises made for Web 2.0, and how great it will be when EVERYONE'S a journalist and a musician and a filmmaker and an artisinal cheesemonger. But this seems like a case where a guy with deep pockets can do something kind of neat. Of course, even if Leonsis wasn't sending bloggers to Moscow for the hockey championships, the Web would make it possible for people here to follow it, via SI or ESPN or other sources.

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Washington, D.C.: John,

I work near the White House, and one of my coworkers told me that the gardeners give away the flowers that grow in Lafayette Park after they dig them up. Do you know when they are going to dig up the tulips? They've already cut off the tops of the flowers.

Thanks!

John Kelly: Wow, I've never heard that. Could it be true? Do you mean the tulip bulbs? They must save those. Or do you mean the annuals that are planted just for spring? I'll have to look into it.

And now we know WHERE you work. But WHAT do you do?

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Falls Church, Va.: John, my grass is a little bit long, but it also has holly leaves all over it since our tree has been shedding due to the weird spring weather. This weekend, should I rake then mow, or should I mow first, and rake what's left?

John Kelly: I've always believed in mowing first and asking questions later. But I'm lazy. To me, raking is something you do in the fall. Holding a rake in May is like waterskiing in January. But I have mostly oaks around me and by spring any leaves that are left over from them are thin and papery and no match for the Spinning Blade o' Death (which, like Billy Bob Thornton in "Slingblade," I sharpened with a big file last weekend). I don't know if holly leaves are like that. Aren't they kinda tough and sharp? But here's where I see a problem: Raking leaves out of long grass is a quite literal drag. I suppose a proper gardener would rake, then mow. You'll have to decide if that's what you are.

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Chemical paint strippers: Don't mix with rare parchments and books very well either.

Moral of the story -- when you do serious renovations on the library, move the collection! Just stick a couple of PODS in the parking lot or something.

John Kelly: Good thought. And if a renovation is going to last months I suppose you would have to move the collection to another branch. For that, you'd need some sort of swing space. And that requires money and attention, things that I don't think have been lavished on the library system.

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Maryland: Maybe Mayor-for-Life Barry's new toll booths could help pay for hydrant inspectors and water pressure.

John Kelly: Someone made the point on the radio the other day that D.C. always tries to lure businesses and government agencies to the city, or convince them not to leave for office space in the suburbs. With one hand the city beckons people in, with the other it slaps.

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employme NT: I can niether confirm nor deny that I am now, have been, or will be working for a secret U.S. branch of "governrment" and if I did in fact now, have been, or will be working for a secret U.S. branch of "governrment" I would not be at liberty to discuss that at this time.

(Government contractor in travel arrangments)

Now if you'll excuse me my manager and an IT person want to see me now.

John Kelly: Government contractor, eh? Is that a pretty common job here in these parts?

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About the guy with the ridiculous lawsuit: over a missing pair of pants at the cleaners that was later found. I understand his job is up for review. Where do I write/call to suggest he not be reappointed? He's a disgrace to the legal profession.

John Kelly: Wasn't Marc Fisher's column on that case incredible? (Here's the AP story if you want to see a photo of the poor dry cleaners who've been slammed.

Tyrone T. Butler is the chief administrative law judge at the District's Office of Administrative Hearings and so is the boss of Roy L. Pearson Jr., the who claims to have had the pants problems. I suppose you could address a letter to Butler at:

Office of Administrative Hearings

825 North Capitol Street, NE, Suite 4150

Washington, DC 20002

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Yo Adrian Higgins Jr.: Do you compost your yard debris?

John Kelly: That's kind of a personal question, but the answer is no. I have a mulching blade on the mower, and the little discharge chute is covered up, so the fileted grass clippings just fall to the ground, where they feed the lawn. At least that's what's SUPPOSED to happen. I think bagging grass clippings went out with puka shell necklaces.

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Where can we see: Helen Mirren?

She's hot for an old lady.

John Kelly: Try Los Angeles or New Orleans. That's where she and hubby Taylor Hackford have houses. They may have them elsewhere too. But the last time she was in Washington she dissed us.

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Columbia, S.C.: How can we resolve the conflict where the great "Capital of the World" is also the great Capital of the World" in death caused by illegal drug brought in by some private parcel service companies specializing in the importation and distribution of cocaine which has made life in the Capital narrow, brutish and short?

John Kelly: Which private parcel service companies? This could be my Pulitzer, baby. As for your question, I don't think D.C. is the world capital of drug-related death. It's got its problems, but so does any place full of humans. And contrary to popular belief, Washington is populated by humans. (Despite his first name, even Newt Gingrich is a human.) We could eliminate the drug problem by replacing the federal government with computers, but that might cause its own problems.

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Blue man group : The Post Point continues to mock me. Tell it to go to the zoo so Tai can eat it. Would that affable panda eat it for me?

John Kelly: My younger daughter said she and her friends LOVE the little blue fellows. She said they want T-shirts emblazoned with the flat, blue, armless logo. Should we call them "PP's," for Post Points?

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MoCo: John,

I'm really scared. The weird blue man critter Post Point thing is staring at me now. It beckons me to "Click Here". Do I dare? Will it eat my brain? YOU click it.

John Kelly: I have clicked it. I even answered the quiz on Wednesday and earned an additional 5 points! My family is mad at me, again, that because I'm employed by The Post we're not eligible for certain premium PostPoints prizes. The same thing drove my kids mad when I edited KidsPost.

Well, excuuuuuuse me.

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Occoquan, Va.: John, I unfortunately spend a lot of time in my car, and therefore listen to a lot of radio. I am getting mighty tired of those new Virginia Millionaire Lottery ads, which today breathlessly advised me innumerable times that there are "less than 200,000 remaining!" First, of course, it should be "fewer than." But isn't 200,000 an awful lot? Now maybe if I were inclined to play and heard there were only 20, or maybe 200, remaining, then I'd hotfoot it over to my nearest vendor. But 200,000? You gotta be kidding!

John Kelly: That does seem a stretch. I wonder if perhaps the fine people at the Virginia Lottery aren't perhaps hyping things a wee bit.

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Anonymous: Terminator

Your photos have a bad case of red-eye John.

John Kelly: Yeah, I was going to use the red-eye reduction feature but I didn't think I'd have time before being sliced in half.

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Follow-up to rude tourists on Metro: I wrote last week about rude tourists blocking me on the escalator. To balance out my karma I just had to post about the good experience I had on Tuesday. I was wearing noisy sling-backs and as I clopped-clopped down the escalator, two businessmen ahead of me heard and said "Don't worry, we're getting out of your way." with a smile. Then several people further down also moved out of the way without me even saying anything. Everyone got appreciative smiles as I passed them. So I haven't lost complete hope in all Metro riders!

John Kelly: So the answer is for all of us to wear noisy sling backs. I think they would be bad for my ankles, but perhaps that's a small price to pay.

I noticed something else: As bad as tourists may be, non-tourists can be pretty bad too. The other day a clot of three suited businessmen were clogging the door of a Metro train on the Red Line. They'd barely shift when the doors opened. I think maybe they'd hardly ridden the subway before and didn't quite get that they were in the way.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi John,

I need to ask a non-topical question of your chatters. I asked the same question on Hax's chat, but she hasn't posted it. I dunno, you'd think she'd want to help out a fellow mother (to be).

Anyhoo, I think I've heard of a secondhand maternity clothing store in the area. Can anyone tell me where it is, what it's called? Or make other suggestions for pregnant-lady clothes, and perhaps nice second-hand stuff for the eventual baby?

Thanks all!

By the way, I'm an artisanal cheese maker. I use mostly muskrat milk, which is high in anti-oxidents due to the levels of fish and seaweed in the average muskrat diet. It's not very popular, because it doesn't taste good, but that's fine with me, since it's really hard to milk a muskrat.

John Kelly: Yeah, it seems to me there is at least one place like that. Happily, I haven't been in the market for maternity clothes in quite a while. I'm sure some of the chatters must know. Chatters?

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Anonymous: All the thousands of cars that would not be coming into central D.C. would be parked where? At the Metro lots -- with all their extra capacity? The real congestion is in the suburbs. How about a Tysons congestion charge? Maybe then shoppers will come back downtown.

John Kelly: Ooooh, that's a good idea. Before we do a congestion charge, let's get Metro or reliable public transportation into every neighborhood in the Washington area. THEN let's see if we need such a measure. Could it be Marion Barry hasn't thought this through?

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EZPass Question: Hi John,

My dear old dad who is visiting me let me know that he accidentally drove through the EZPass lane on I-95 South. Thing is, he doesn't have an EZPass monitor. He said he stopped and was going to run to a neighboring toll booth to pay, but that cars behind him were honking. So, he kept driving. What will happen to him? A ticket in the mail for $100? Lifetime banishment from D.C.?

BTW, I live in Springfield, work in Rockville for the government reviewing research grants.

Thanks for your insight!

John Kelly: I know we had a story a while back that said basically nothing happens, at least on the Dulles Toll Road, or as I like to call it, the Dulles Toad. But after the article came out they pledged to crack down. I don't know what will happen to your dad. If I was a betting man, I'd say nothing. Of course, if I was a betting man, I'd hightail it over to Virginia to buy one of the few remaining Lotto tickets.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Oh, and I'm a law librarian. Does anyone in Minneapolis need a researcher?

John Kelly: Have you asked Garrison Keillor?

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Sprinklers: Does the Post building have working sprinklers? If not, do you have a fire extinguisher near your cubby hole?

John Kelly: I just looked up at the ceiling to check. There are two sprinkler heads in my office. I think they're sprinkler heads. They're not that big and it's kind of hard to see. Lemme just climb up on this chair and look. Still kinda tough. I better flick this cigarette lighter to shed some light on the subject. Ah...that's better.

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Alexandria, Va.: The fact that those items were still in the Georgetown Library is terrible. It has been well documented that a building under renovation is at high risk. Just ask the Queen, she is in Virginia today.

John Kelly: Yeah, didn't she lose part of some palace a while back? Luckily she has a few back-up palaces.

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3rd and Constitution: The fire that destroyed Judge Silberman's chambers in the U.S. Courthouse a few years back was started by painters.

John Kelly: Heat, chemicals, oily rags, old wood--it's a bad combination. Could it be that the job went to the lowest bidder?

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S. Arlington, Va.: John,

Did you find out about the FDR and the lack of lights?

John Kelly: Oooh, sorry I haven't. My brain is like a seive. Send me the question in an e-mail: kellyj@washpost.com.

Maybe they're waiting for all the bulbs to burn out so they can replace them with compact fluorescents.

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20011: Random question, but you seem like the guy who might know. How many people do you think live in Rock Creek Park? I'm sure the Park Service doesn't admit to any homeless people staying there, but it seems obvious that at least a few people are staying there every night. Any ideas?

John Kelly: That is a good question. Send it to answerman@washpost.com. I bet the Park Service must have some rough idea.

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Problem with PP:"Due to high volume, we are making upgrades to the site. Please come back tomorrow."

John Kelly: Uh-oh. A victim of its own success?

Has anyone used the archive? That's pretty cool. You can get Post stories from 1877 to 1990. I use it all the time.

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What I do: I am a craft brewer, but moonlight as a government contractor for the sheer excitement (oh, and a paycheck)

John Kelly: We obviously need to rename this chat "The Government Contractor Hour."

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Incident at Four Mile Run Bridge: John,

On the ride home yesterday I passed a crowd of gawkers and police and fire crews. It appeared that they were rescuing/recovering the body of someone from 4 Mile Run by the airport. Where can I find more details on what went on?

John Kelly: I haven't heard anything. Maybe call Arlington County cops? Or look at their online crime reports?

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Post Points: A bunch of those obnoxious little Post Points just barged onto my screen, obscuring your column.

What idiot came up with 'this' brilliant idea?

John Kelly: Obscuring my column? Could have been any number of people.

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Post Points: They're like cockroaches.

John Kelly: Well don't step on them. Two more grow more to take their place.

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Washington, D.C.: I'm glad Adrian Fenty steps on toes to get things done. It's called leadership, in my opinion. If you need everyone's consensus on everything, nothing gets done.

John Kelly: And he has some smart people working for him. Dan Tangherlini, he of the short-lived Metro stint, impressed me. I think that as thankless as it might seem, being major of the District would be a great job. I mean, say what you will, it's a really cool city. I don't even begrudge Tony Williams his travel, since the mayor should be spreading the word about Washington.

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D.C. congestion tax: I wish Mayor-for-Life Barry would go after the D.C. scofflaws who don't pay their fair share of taxes.

John Kelly: Now THERE'S an idea. And he wouldn't have to look far...

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Artsy-fartsy: When is the last time you bought a work of art for your home?

John Kelly: It's probably been 10 years, but that's because in the last few years we've inherited a fair amount of quite nice art. There isn't much room on our walls. We probably should be like the National Gallery and rotate through various works.

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Incident at Four Mile Run: Channel 4 reported on it this a.m.: A man was walking with friends and wandered into the water. They later recovered his body.

This reporting stuff is pretty easy ...

John Kelly: People die from wandering these days?

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Where did you get that hot dog: Did you sell it to yourself? (I remember when you sold them at a game once.)

John Kelly: I should have done that. Then I would have gotten the employee discount. It would have only been $6.50 instead of $7.

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Falls Church, Va.: At the Fed building where I work the bulbs are dug up and given out freely. Every year you can watch the suits and dresses going through the dirt to see if the landscapers missed any. Managers digging for dirt -- I knew it all along!

John Kelly: That's great! What building is that? Has it happened yet? Send me an e-mail with details: kellyj@washpost.com.

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Serverroomundergrou, ND:

IT director.

Who do I work in IT? Because I'm an English major. And because I'm an English major, I coined a new word this weekend: queenal. Here, I'll use it in a sentence:

Yesterday in Richmond, Virginia, famous guitar builder Wayne Henderson provided some of the queenal entertainment.

John Kelly: I thought it was going to be a noun, not an adjective: If you try to touch her hat, the queenal cut your head off.

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Weekend magic: So, what does a celebrity Post reporter do on the weekend? Pal around with Paris?

John Kelly: On this weekend's agenda: Buying a dehumidifier! Exciting, huh?

Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy the rest of the day and have fun this weekend. Remember, we're Americans. We don't curtsy or bow to the Queen.

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