Post Magazine: Mothers and Child
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Monday, May 7, 2007; 3:00 PM
Though Jonathan Goldfarb's adoptive mom nurtures him daily, he looks forward to regular visits from his birth mom.
In this week's issue of
Ann Goldfarb and Hava Leichtman joined Mundy online Monday, May 7, at 3 p.m. ET to discuss the reshaping of adoption.
Mundy is a staff writer for The Post's Magazine. Her book is "Everything Conceivable: How Assisted Reproduction is Changing Men, Women, and the World," published by Alfred A. Knopf.
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Liza Mundy: Hello everybody and thank you for writing in with rich and really interesting questions. I am here today with Ann Goldfarb and Hava Leichtman, who will also be answer questions. I would like to salute their courage and generosity in being willing to tell their story, with the hope of stimulating discussion about such an important topic. Sometimes they will answer the same question and sometimes we will take different questions. There are lots already, so let's get started!
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Santa Barbara, Calif.: Hi,
I don't have any questions, but just wanted to say a "thank you" for the wonderful article. It was a surprisingly emotional read for me. Our son, who was adopted when he was 30 minutes old, just turned two and my wife and I are so caught up in the daily happenings and his exuberant energy that it's easy to forget the wonder, awe, fear and uncertainties of the adoption process (ours was an open adoption, too). It's especially humbling that every year, 135,000 families go through the same kind of life-changing transformation. Thank you again.
Liza Mundy: Thanks for writing in. I'm so glad that people around the country are reading this story; I think there's a great appetite for more discussion. You sound like you have a wonderful family.
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Alexandria, Va.: Adoption is a Gift: As an adopted child, now 42, I read this article with great interest. I applaud the Goldfarbs and Hava for making a brave decision in their open adoption choice. It takes a great deal of courage to carry a child and give the gift of that child to a loving couple. Similarly valorous is an adoptive mother who wants her child to know his birth mother, and her love.
With regard to my upbringing, I was adopted through Catholic Charities in a time when closed adoption was de rigeur. However, I had always known that I was adopted, and that I was special. And everyone who has known me has seen my pride in this. I have never felt closeted nor rejected. I was given to parents who desperately wanted a little girl, and I felt that. I still do.
Another positive aspect of my childhood was being involved with other adopted children. We were a club; a unique group. We were families just like any other. I have wonderful memories of Christmas parties and Easter egg hunts shared with these friends. I would encourage other adoptive parents to do the same for themselves, and thier children.
Liza Mundy: I'm going to post this answer. Thanks for writing in and it's great to hear you had an overall positive experience, even at a time when so many adoptions were closed. It's a useful reminder of what Hal Grotevant pointed out: that adopted children do very well.
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Ann Goldfarb: Hello! This is Ann Goldfarb. Thank you all so much for your wonderful and insightful comments. It has been an amazing experience to do this article and it has helped to bring all of our family even closer together.
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Virginia: A friend of mine mentioned she tried to visit her son who was adopted but Maryland laws forbid her to do that. Is there a national law? Or just some rule, regulations or/and policy?
Liza Mundy: Every state has different adoption laws, and some are wildly different. This is why there are family law lawyers, who specialize in knowing the differences. I don't know when your friend's birth son was adopted in Maryland--there have been some legal changes recently--so I can't respond. Currently, Maryland law states that any agreement on post-adoption contact is now legally enforceable. But I can't really speak to the past. You might contact the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute and see if they can help you.
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Somewhere in the USA: I gave birth to a child when I was 15, placed the child for adoption and have never looked back. I was given assurances of absolute confidentiality moved far away, and even changed my name legally before marriage to make sure this child never finds me. If he or she does, I will deny this under oath. I have been married for many years, have grown children, and life is good. I hope it is for my birth child as well, but the concept of open adoption would have ruined my life, or at least changed it in ways I cannot possibly fathom.
The only cloud in my life is the possiglity that my first child might somehow manage to get in contact. I do support registries that allow adoptees and birth parents who want to make contact to do so, but I am not one of those parents.
Ann Goldfarb: Dear Somewhere-
I'm glad that you have been able to find a situation that is best for you. Everyone has to make their own choices about how they live. I wish you and your birth child the best.
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Maryland: At work, a Chinese-American mentioned that adoption in her country is taboo. Is this true in other countries?
Liza Mundy: This is an interesting question--a fascinating question, actually--and I wish I knew the answer. I have heard that countries that have many large orphanages for children without parents do so, in part, becuase adoption is not widespread. If any readers know the answer, I'll post it.
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washingtonpost.com: Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute
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Silver Spring, Md.: I was so touched by the story. Happy for the beautiful little boy who is in a loving family and grateful that a brave young biological mother was so unselfish. Yes, this little family is exploring a brave new world but I wish them the best. Perhaps they could serve as a model for other non birth and adoptive parents who wish to follow the path they have chosen. Good luck to all of them!
Liza Mundy: I'm going to post this comment. Thanks!
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San Antonio, Tex.: I am thrilled that an open adoption story made The Washington Post, because it's high time more folks learn that adoptions done within America are alive and well! For all the press coverage of international adoption, domestic adoption in the U.S. is thriving, and it's largely because of the new application of old concepts known as "openness."
Because in actuality, open adoption is nothing new. It's how adoptions were done, long ago, before agencies and attorneys began exerting control and legislators imposed secrecy. "Everything old is new again," as the song goes. Open adoption recognizes the birthparents and adopting parents as being equally invested in the child's future, and is centered around the child's right to access to and knowledge of his/her origins.
Open adoption is about honesty, and honesty is one of the foundations of healthy families. It isn't about co-parenting, and good counseling ensures that everyone in the adoption triad has clear expectations and empathic understandings of the position and needs of the other.
But ultimately, open adoption is the gift all the parents give the child, so he/she need never go through life bearing the burden of rejection and abandonment that closed adoption so often imposed upon adopted persons. As I tell the birthparents and adoptive parents I work with, open adoption isn't a strategy, it's a lifestyle.
Thank you for bringing this to light!
Elizabeth Jurenovich, M.S., L.C.P.A.A., L.P.C., L.M.F.T.
Executive Director
Abrazo Adoption Associates
10010 San Pedro, Suite 540
San Antonio, TX 78216
210/342-5683
www.abrazo.org/forum
Liza Mundy: I'm going to post this one, as well.
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Alexandria, Va.: This question is directed to Ms. Mundy. In the U.S., can adoption records be open if only one party (the birth mother or the child) is searching or must both be wanting to meet each other. Where does one go for information about various state laws?
Liza Mundy: I understand that the hosts have posted a link to the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. I would start there. Look online, and then call them up and ask for help. They are in favor of openness when possible and should be glad to help you. I am not an expert in how states differ in their laws about searching, but there are lots of organizations that can help you.
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Ann Goldfarb: Several people have mentioned that they would allow their child or have allowed their child to look for their birthmom/parent at age 18. Personally, I feel that the teenage years are the worst ones in which to introduce a birthparent because the child is already going through so much identity turmoil. Younger children may not get all the implications of a birthparent, but they are generally very open and welcoming to new people.
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Arlington, Va.: In today's paper, in the article about Barack Obama, there was a description of a woman "who has multiracial kids -- black, white, Latino -- including three of her own and two who are adopted." I'm a 49-year-old adoptee and this attitude that the adopted child is somehow not equal to the biological child has always been with us. When Kurt Vonnegut died, his obit (in The Post, at any rate) separated his surviving children as his and "adopted." Do you think open adoptions will change this in any way? Or, are we just stuck with the fact that most people (especially journalists) feel it's necessary to distinguish between the two?
washingtonpost.com: How Big a Stretch? ( Post, May 7)
Ann Goldfarb: Hi Arlington, VA -- You've hit one of my pet peeves regarding adoption. Adoption, donor egg/sperm, surrogacy, whatever, are all valid ways to create a family. Until we speak out and let society know that it is inappropriate to call out "and their adopted children..." in articles and obits,it will probably continue. Can you imagine the obit reading "and his sperm donor child..." ? :-)
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Oak Hill, VA: Liza -- As an adoptee, I was touched deeply by the parenting exhibited by both the birth the adoptive parents in your story.
When I had each of my three children, I thought about how much my birth mother must have loved me in order to relinquish me to an adoptive family. And, I see through Melissa and Hava the long-lasting pain that she must have (and maybe still) endured.
And, for the adoptive family to be so open, to the birth families, the parents, the grandparents and to have such compassion and awareness of what is best for their children is amazing to see.
I only wish that I could have been as blessed as Daniel and Jonathan are to have relationships both with my parents and with my birth families.
I hope they continue to find the right mix that works for all of them.
What a truly uplifting story. Thank you for writing it!
Liza Mundy: Thanks for writing in! You demonstrate a lot of compassion and insight, which I'm sure many people will admire.
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washingtonpost.com: Re-posting: Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute
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Silver Spring, Md.: All, Thank you for a fairly balanced view of this adoption story. I am a single mom with an adopted teenage girl in a "closed" adoption. I am really tired of reading of the horrors of adoption, when the majority of us adoptive families just live our mundane lives without drama. I wish this family much luck. ALL of the parties are approaching this with courage. The adopted mom is an amazing woman. I have two questions, however. If the birthmoms are "wrecked" after a visit with their children, what support is there for them? Also, the two boys have differing levels of involvement with their birth parents (and grandparents). Might this complicate their sibling relationship now or in the future?
Ann Goldfarb: Hi Silver Spring, Md -- I'll let Hava talk more about her support system, but in our case the birth grandmothers are incredibly supportive of their daughters. As for differing levels of involvement, it is a concern. You do your best to communicate with each other and let the birthfamilies know if there is a concern. Hopefully everyone will try their best to be fair. Where you do have differing levels, you just continue to let your children know how much you love them and empathize with their feelings.
Hava Leichtman: I have had an amazing support network in terms of friends and family. My mom has been one of my biggest advocates and is always there to listen. She was especially supportive immediately following Jonathan's adoption. She made sure I was not alone for the first week even for a second even today is always there to listen when I need to talk.
I also went to therapy twice a week for at least a year following the adoption. This was helpful in that I learned that what I was experiencing were "normal" stages of the grieving process. It also gave me a safe place to talk about my thoughts and feelings... concerns, fears... even anger. I don't feel the need for therapy at this point, but know that I can always return if necessary.
I was also concerned that an unequal level of involvement would be harmful to the kids in terms of contact with the birthparents and birthgrandparents, however, this has not been a problem thus far. My family considers Jonathan's brother, Daniel, their grandson regardless of biological ties. After all, he is Jonathan's brother and they love him for that. Most important is to reassure the kids that they are loved and thought about. That the adoption is not their fault and that they were in no way rejected!!! We are all here for them. The only difference being they have a very large extended family!! all the better!
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RE: taboo: Well, any countries where Americans adopted in large numbers (China, Japan, Korea, South Americans,) the taboo might be real. But in Europe, there is very little adoption or being adopted.
Liza Mundy: Interesting. Thanks. I'll post any other comments that come in like this.
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Rockville, Md.: Hello,
I really enjoyed the article and left wondering a few things, one being -- are the Goldfarbs even worried that Hava's mental illness (since a few are hereditary) may happen to their son someday? I give them a lot of credit for working with her issues rather than dismissing them and seeking a possibly perfect baby in every way.
Great story.
Rockville
Ann Goldfarb: Hi Rockville, Md-
There are no guarantees in life. I did speak to a mental health practitioner about the risks and we were willing to accept them. I know several families with biological children with "unexpected" mental and physical illnesses. All parents hope that their children will be happy and healthy. That's all you can do.
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Silver Spring, Md.: Liza -- beautiful story. You did a great job, and how awesome that you found this particular example to illustrate it with! One family with two different open adoptions that have worked out to different degrees? You must've been so happy to find them.
Liza Mundy: Thanks. Actually, there were many families who have open adoptions; who believe in them; and who were willing to talk to me. I did a lot of advance interviews with different families and really enjoyed all my conversations. What was appealing about the Goldfarbs was their willingness to enter into all aspects of the situation; they are very, very open to discussion and rightly I think hope to stimulate more discussion about adoption. Also, very important was that in this case both birth mothers were willing to participate and to be named. There were some families I inteviewed in which the adoptive parents were willing to talk and to be named, but the birth mothers felt some reluctance, and I very much wanted the birth motehrs to be represented as real people. I admire Hava and Melissa endlessly, for their willingness to step forward and talk about their own experiences. In all, this is a family where people are fully willing to hear what other members of the family have to say. Anybody who is in a family--i.e., all of us--knows how much strength and flexibility that takes.
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Washington, D.C.: How did you hear about this family?
Liza Mundy: A local adoption attorney put out an interview request on a chat room he hosts, and the Goldfarbs, along with many other parents, generously responded. Also, a local adoption agency, Adoptions Together, was very helpful in recruiting people willing to share their views. Giving away reporting secrets here. :)
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Inside the beltway: Thanks so much for a generous and insightful story. How do the same kind of factors of "openness" apply when the child has some biological relationship to one or both custodial parents, as in a surrogate mother or egg donor situation?
Ann Goldfarb: Hi Inside the beltway -
I believe that family secrets are detrimental. I think that you should start telling your child, in some age appropriate way, from the beginning, so it is not a surprise. I'm sure their are children's books that include characters such as a surrogate mother. The goal is to have your child trust you and feel good about themselves. So, let them know how much they were wanted and that you did everything possible to have them. Hope that helps.
Liza Mundy: Hi and thanks for writing. I can tell you that exactly the same conversation is being had when it comes to assisted reproduction and sperm and egg donorship. Assisted reproduction is about twenty years behind adoption; most of it still takes place in secrecy, but there is a very lively discussion going on about whether children of gamete donation are in fact like adopted children, and deserve to know the truth about their origins. There is a powerful movement out there of donor children who want to know their roots. At the risk of being self-promotional, I have a book out just now that talks about assisted reproduction and the issues it raises. It's called Everything Conceivable and you can find it on www.everythingconceivable.com. I mention this just because it goes into precisely these issues.
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Washington, D.C.: This question is for Hava. During your pregnancy, did you tell people that you intended to give the child up for adoption? How did you handle inquiries? I feel like that must be a difficult part of the process -- people asking you about the baby and your future when you aren't so sure.
Hava Leichtman: During my pregnancy I went through different stages so far as what I would tell people. Honesty was always my policy. In the beginning, it was the birthfather that suggested adoption and I was completely against the idea. It took time for me to realize that perhaps I wasn't ready to raise a child on my own. I was at least five months into my pregnancy before I began to consider aoption.
I didn't actually find the Goldfarbs until I was midway through my seventh month of pregnancy. At that point I was proud to tell everyone about the adoption plans. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to find such a loving and supportive adoptive family! However, it was still difficult to see other friends or even strangers out in public with their own children in tow. I dealt with my feelings of anger at my own circumstances, but I was open about those as well. Even when I began having second thoughts, I talked to friends and eventually family about the options at hand. Even today, I don't keep the adoption a secret. It is a main source of pride and joy in my life. It is the one thing I am most proud of!! I am stronger for having gone through the experience and continue to grow from my relationships with both the Goldfarbs, the two boys, and even the other birthfamily involved!
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Fairfax, Va.;: I don't get the 'open adoption' approach. It seems to me that it would be better all around if the adoptive parents could enjoy life without feeling that they have to share their child with the parent(s) who chose, however difficult it was, to offer the child for adoption. The birth mother is being unfair to the adoptive parents by trying to share the child. How many mothers does a kid need? What happens if the birth mother starts to feel she should have decision rights in how to raise the child or decide lifestyle or cultural issues? Focus group decisions?
Ann Goldfarb: We are very happy and enjoy our lives. We, and our children, are lucky to have such wonderful people in our lives. I am their mother. My husband and I make the decisions for our children. Hava and Melissa have no legal rights, but we respect them as people/friends/family and may even ask their opinions. But the ultimate decision is up to my husband and I.
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Laurel, Md: I'm a birth mom, I have a great open adoption with adoptive family and I thank god for them every day. I used to read adoption websites where the adoptees would write, "I wish my birth mom would find me." or "I wish my birth mom would have been part of my life." It's the reason I chose open adoption. It was the hardest decision anyone makes in their life and the hardest thing to do is put your child into the arms of another. It is the most selfless thing to realize that you cannot care for a child by yourself and selfish on the part of mothers who think they can and five years down the road are raising their children in bars every night of the week because they "can't deal." (I've seen examples of this and it makes me angry.)
Yes, I could probably have raised my daughter myself - however, I could not picture going through custody battles with her father or the hard work it would take to raise her. Yes, I probably took the "easy way out" in that regard, but my daughter now has a loving two parent family, with a stay at home Mom, and an older adopted brother who adores her. I could not have asked for a better family.
Thank you for publishing the open adoption story there are more of us than people realize.
Liza Mundy: I'm going to post this. Thanks for writing in, and I salute your strength and love for the child. I'm sure the adoptive parents thank God for you every day, too. Probably many times each day.
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Ann Goldfarb: Hava-
I thought I was your big sister or aunt. I'm not old enough to be your mother. Besides, I'm not paying for your law school! :-)
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Washington, DC: Liza,
Loved your article. If ever I had a child and gave it up for adoption, I would hope that I could maintain a relationship with the child and would think that it would be beneficial to all parties involved. I would want the child to call the adoptive parents "Mom and Dad" and call me by my first name, to know that I loved him/her but that I felt the adoptive parents could raise him/her better.
So many teens have children these days and are just not ready to be parents and rely on family and friends to help them out. Maybe if those teens realized that there are families out there who would love and nurture their child, AND allow them to retain a relationship, then maybe, just maybe, more children would be raised healthy and happy and not homeless.
Again, a great article!
Liza Mundy: Thanks, and I'll post this one.
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"and their adopted children": Thanks to the poster for mentioning this because this has bothered me for ages. I'm adopted along with my older sister (we're not related) but my parents were able to have one child on their own. They never treated us differently and we would be horrified if in some article it was written that they had one child and two adopted children. Adopted children are just the same a "regular" children.
Liza Mundy: I'll post this comment. And I wholly agree. Thanks.
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Washington, D.C.: This does not pertain directly to the issue of open adoption, but I was disturbed by Hava's boyfriend's attitude towards her and Jonathan. I was even more surprised to learn that Hava is still seeing him. Why is she still with him when it is clear he only cares about himself?
Hava Leichtman: Good question... one that I often am asked and have to address myself. The truth is that my boyfriend was unduly harsh to prove his point that raising a child as a single parent was no easy task. He never neglected his duties in terms of helping take care of me through a difficult pregnancy and highly emotional time! I never doubted that he cared about me and the baby, only that he knew his limitations as a human being and was brave enough to admit that he wasn't cut out to be a father. Had I changed my mind and kept the baby, he would have lived up to his responsibilities, however, we both acknowledged that this would eventually lead to resentment on both our parts to be forced to retain ties becuase of an unplanned pregnancy.
My boyfriend and I did not get back together until more than a year following Jonathan's birth. We both grew up a lot during that time and lots to work out in terms of whether we have a future together or not.
It is difficult for me sometimes that he doesn't want a part of the open adoption, however, I am satisfied that he will never deny Jonathan and is willing to meet with Jonathan one day when he is older and more able to comprehend and understand the circumstances surrounding his adoption. In the meantime, the birthfather has his own issues to deal with in terms of processing his feelings and pain stemming from the adoption. I try to be supportive and understanding of him, just as he tries to be of me... without forcing our own beliefs or philosophies on one another in the process! It is complex, but we work through things one day at a time...
It is my family that has the hardest time with our relationship... but they are slowly growing to accept him as well.
Furthermore, had the birthfather not been realistic and unduly harsh... I probably would have continued living in my fantasy world and never faced the harsh facts of what raising a child on my own truly meant... until it was too late!
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Baltimore, Md.: Have you been following the comments on the On Parenting Blog ( washingtonpost.com)? It's very interesting to read the different feelings adult adoptees feel about the process. One thing keeps coming up, the idea of unwanted children, birthparents giving the child away, etc. I think some of these issues come up more with adult adoptees than with children, as children aren't totally aware of the "unwanted" stigma. I'm wondering if the people profiled in the piece have thought about how to handle the "unwanted" issues?
And, as an adult adoptee, the comment from the birthmom above just further makes us feel unwanted. I'm not as bitter as I seem, really. I love my adoptive parents and understand a lot about my adoption. I just think about these issues far too much.
Liza Mundy: I'm going to post this, in case readers want to look at the blog. I'm not sure what birth mother comment you are talking about. Clearly, in this article, it was very important to everybody concerned that neither child ever, ever feel he was unwanted. The goal was to show them how fully they were and are loved. Perhaps this will be helpful for adopt adoptees to read and think about. I thought Ann put it very well: how much love it takes, for a woman to try and give her birth child a better life than she thinks she will be able to provide at that time.
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Virginia: What is the single reason why families adopt? Infertile? Which is another taboo subject.
Liza Mundy: Well, I do think the primary reason is infertility, though there are certainly people--and I interviewed a number--who adopt because they felt there were children out there who needed and wanted a home. Also, there is plenty of adoption now by single parents and same-sex couples. And you're right: there is stigma attached to infertility, though of course there should not be. I think open discussion on this topic is a really good thing as well.
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Montclair, N.J.: Absolutely wonderful article! It made so many of the points I try to make when I talk to people about open adoption -- I'll be forwarding the link a 'lot'!
As the adoptive mother of a 15-month-old daughter in open adoption, we feel so lucky that we overcame our fears of openness and added not only a baby to our family, but a remarkable young woman whom we love.
Hava, I'd like to ask you this: can you offer any advice to adoptive parents in open adoptions? What have been some of the best things the Goldfarbs have done to make things easier for you? What do you think is particularly important that adoptive parents "get" in order to create a lasting, good relationship for everyone?
Hava Leichtman: The Goldfarbs opened their lives and their hearts to me and my family. They never undermined my pain, and at times it felt as though they felt my pain just as deeply as did I. I felt they wanted more than to simply find a baby to adopt and be done with it. They wanted what was best for me as well. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Ann right from the start. She experienced her own pain and grief with regard to being unable to have her own biological child and undergoing numerous unsuccessful infertility treatments. We really bonded in sharing our stories.
My best advice is to be open and honest and state your concerns, fears, hopes, and desires right from the start. Relationships grow and change over time and nobody can predict the future, but at least you can start with a solid foundation!
Ann has become a close friend... almost like a sister in my life. It was just as important for her to interview me and make sure that I was a good fit as it was for me to interview her. It has to be a good fit all the way around.
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Takoma Park, MD: We too have an open adoption, and we and our daughter have visited with her birth family 5 or 6 times so far (our daughter is now 1-and-a-half). One thing I've struggled with is our adoption agency's advice that adoptive parents should keep information about birth parents' situations - and especially information about the reason for placement for adoption - private. The rationale is that the child should be the first (after the bith and adoptive parents) to know the story of his/her adoption. While our agency (and we) are in favor of NEVER keeping secrets from children (instead, sharing information in age-appropriate ways), she obviously will develop her understanding of the situation gradually over years. I say I have struggled with the advice to keep the information private, because this advice simply isn't practical in some open adoption situations. For example, my parents have met some of our daughter's birth family, so certain details about her birth mother's life - such as her marital status, her age, whether or not she has other children, her general physical and mental health, and (through normal conversation) her employment situation are obvious to my family. While we haven't discussed with my family the specific reason for our daughter's placement for adoption, the factors I just mentioned all at times play a role in placement for adoption.
So my question is: in writing stories about adoption such as that of the Goldfabs', do you have qualms about sharing information that is very personal to children, when they are not old enough really to understand what it means to have such personal information published in a newspaper? Or is the advice about keeping information about the reasons for children's placement for adoption and about their birth families outdated in open adoption? Does the appropriateness of sharing information outside one's immediate fmaily also depend on the reason for the placement (the reasons for some adoptions may involve domestic violence, death, or other tragic factors - issues that require special care and time to explain to children as they get older)? I agree stories such as the one you wrote are valuable in helping to break stereotypes about adoption and to help advance thinking about what may or may not be in the best interest of adopted children.
Ann Goldfarb: Hi Takoma Park, Md-
I believe in full disclosure over time, as it is appropriate. There are lots of books about, directly and indirectly, adoption. You can read those to your daughter from birth, so that adoption is just something she has always heard about. Some stories will contain situations very like hers and you can personalize the story for her. I've read The Night You Were Born (I think that's the title) hundreds of times. I add in their own story as I read.
I do have friends that feel that once the children are school age that it is "their" story to tell. This means that they ask their child's permission to tell their story. I have done this as well. Once your child reaches school age, they will have assignments about family and heritage. It is a good time to incorporate their birthfamily heritage, etc into that. It is a part of them.
There is always a legitimate concern that relatives will "accidentally" tell your child something. So, it is best that you tell them yourselves, early on. As for very sensitive information, keep that to yourselves, but find a way to incorporate it into their life story along the way. Look for a "teachable moment" -- a TV show or newspaper article they have read that has similar issues. And continue to let them know how much you love them unconditionally and that you will always be there for them...AND that they are NOT RESPONSIBLE for the circumstances around their birth. Some children feel that they were somehow "bad" and that was why they were adopted.
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Silver Spring, Md.: I really enjoyed your article, but I felt that there was an unecessary ding against international APs. There is a quote in the article "the birth mother has become something of a dreaded figure: Experts agree that one reason for the popularity of international adoption is because it lets adoptive parents avoid her." I would like to know more about the source of this data as it does not match my experience. We choose to adopt our son from Korea because we knew that the records would be open and he will have the opportunity to contact his bio-mom if he choses to. I would think that the number of adoptable infants is more of a driving factor in the increase in international adoptions, than a fear of birth mother.
Liza Mundy: I think you're absolutely right, that the number of adoptable children abroad is the driving factor behind international adoptions. But many therapists and counselors also volunteered, independently, their view that some parents are motivated to go abraod, at least in part, by the fact that they will not have a birth mother relationship. One therapist added that this often changes after the adoptive parent becomes secure in parenthood, whereupon some parents will go to the ends of the earth in helping their children trace their roots. This seems like a very understandable evolution, and I think their professional insight on this is valid. Not everybody is the same. That's interesting to know about about Korean adoptions and the level of openness that is possible. That's great.
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Boston, Mass.: I am an adoptive mom -- our daughter's birth family is really wonderful, and we have an open adoption arrangement (though not as much contact as described in the story ... which was fantastic by the way ... Hava and Ann, you are beautiful women). My one "concern" is that they have not told THEIR families (including an older child) about the adoption (I really wish they would). Do you think it is my place to "encourage" this ... I have always said I do not want my daughter to be "secret" ... it seems sort of antithetical to open adoption.
Great story and again to both the birth families and adoptive family, thank you for sharing.
Hava Leichtman: I think that it might be OK to subtely suggest, but to approach the issue with extreme sensitivity. Everyone deals and copes in their own way and in their own time. What is right for one person may not be the right thing for someone else. Ultimately, it is up to them to make such decisions, but only you can decide how close of a relationship you have in terms of offering unsolicited advice. Really try to place yourself in their shoes and think about how they might react to any advice being given. I know it is hard. I often want to tell my boyfriend that he should reconsider his position on his level of involvement in the open adoption, however, I have since learned to bite my tongue! It is not received well and he has made it clear that he will deal in his own way! It is his right, just as I expect him not to tell me how to run my own life or try to convince me not to be involved in Jonathan and the Goldfarb's lives!
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Chevy Chase, Md.: Great article, but frankly I'm a little disappointed in the discussion. It feels very one-sided: that open adoption is always the best choice.
Can't anyone admit that sometimes it is not the right choice? Ann's response to the birth mother who didn't want to be found was very, very judgmental.
Also, why does Lisa begin every post with "I'm going to post this." Isn't that self-evident?
Liza Mundy: I have to say something in the answer, or else it won't post. So I'll just post this. And my name is spelled with a "z."
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Finksburg, Md.: Regarding adoption practices in other countries, I can speak for Russia, as my wife and I have adopted a child from there. In Russia, it is not acceptable by society to adopt -- we heard many stories of women who couldn't have children the old-fashioned way pretending to be pregnant, and then going to an orphanage and adopting a child, and no one ever knowing that it was adopted. Because of this, you can see that Russians adopting Russian children almost never happens.
This is the reason why so many of us want to adopt from Russia (since all of us who have adopted internationally have taken heat at one time or another for not adopting domestically): Russian orphanage kids have no chance at adoption unless foreigners come in and take them. Since Russia has no welfare system, this means that at age 17, the orphanage kids are turned out of the orphanage with the equivalent of $50 and not allowed back in. They have no job skills, no relatives, and nowhere to go, and a ridiculously high number of them (70 percent is the number our Russian contacts used) end up in the Russian criminal system by age 20.
And other countries are far, far worse than Russia (Romania, especially), where the children are outright abused and beaten, then turned out on the streets at aged 17.
Contrast that to the situation where there are many, many more (according to your article) American parents looking to adopt domestic children than there are available children.
I'm writing this because I want people who are reading your wonderful story about domestic adoption (I myself was adopted domestically, by the way) to understand why people choose to adopt internationally. There's no right answer; it depends entirely on personal choice.
Liza Mundy: Great insights and points; thanks for making them. I certainly didn't mean to ding international adoption in the article. The different rationales for why people choose the adoption route they do are all so interesting, and thank you for contributing these points.
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Re: Virginia and reasons for adoption: I'm the poster who responded about "and their adopted children" in articles My parents didn't think they could have children on their own so they adopted me and my sister. Years later along came my brother so imagine my parents surprise.
As an aside, when I was 18 and going through communicating with my birth mother I spoke to my brother to see how he was handling all of this or what he thought about it. At 10 years old he was very wise in his response: You'll always be my sister.
Ann Goldfarb: What a sweet brother! You are so lucky to have each other.
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Dublin, Ireland: I am the adoptive mother of a now 19 year old boy. His natural mother chose me and my (now divorced) husband to be the parents of her child when they saw us on television speaking about infertility (also due to DES).
The adoption was semi-open in the sense that the three of us got to know each other very well. The natural father did not want to be involved at all. We agreed that our son would always know who and where his natural mother is, that we would keep in touch by mail and phone and exchange photos at least once a year, probably on his birthday. The important thing we agreed was that he would have the possiblity of knowing his natural mother when he was an adult, or sooner if he showed interest. We kept an album of letters and photos from her, including a photo of his natural father.
In the event, he has some learning disabilities that made his teenage years more difficult than we would have wished. He is still struggling to come to terms with his difference. He maintains a close relationship with his adoptive father, despite our divorce.
In his 18th year he arranged to meet his natural mother and became quite close to her. She has two young children now, his half brothers. He decided that he wanted to make all the arrangements and to travel to her town to meet her. Six months later, through his natural mother, he then met his natural father. He now avoids his natural mother and has moved in with his natural father and his wife!
Do not assume that this is a disaster story though. There are very good things happening between these two men. There is a recognition of similarities and a tolerance and understanding of shared weaknesses. It is difficult for me and it is difficult for his natural mother - but who said it was all going to be easy?
I think open adoption is a very supportive arrangement for the child. The facts of his birth have not changed; only the parenting since then. It takes a very demanding amount of bravery and trust between all the parents though. We support each other through that and share the wish for the best for our son.
It will be interesting to see how he feels about us all when he is more adult. There is no doubt that he has more adults loving him then most young men, but of course, we don't really know how that feels to him.
Liza Mundy: Again, we don't have time to answer every question, so I am going to post this narrative, so that readers can get a sense of the variety of situations. I don't think anybody involved in this article wanted to imply that "one size fits all." Thanks.
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West Bloomfield, Mich.: I don't have a question. I am Hava's mother, and the birth grandmother of Jonathan. I just want to thank Liza for her excellent article, which presented so accurately the emotions of this experience that my daughter and I went through, and the joy that Hava and I have in our loving relationship with Ann and Larry. This experience has so enriched my life! You should see my refrigerator!! It is covered with pictures of all the Goldfarbs. Daniel and Jonathan are my great pride!
Liza Mundy: Hi Gail and thanks for writing in. An excellent reminder that there are many family members with a deep investment in these children's well-being. It was great to meet you.
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Blacksburg, Va.: Thank you for taking this observation from the mother of a birth mother (does this make me a birth grandmother). Our daughter has a "perfect" open adoption situation with two wonderful parents and their two sons, one of whom is her birth son! The other one is their birth son, and there is no difference. She visits and they all have a great time. My husband and I visit, and we all have a great time too. Will "David" grow up and then feel rejected? We cannot know --we certainly hope not. He knows now that he is very much loved by LOTS of people. If his birth mother had raised him would [he] turn out better? We very much doubt that. Nobody can predict the future, we can only love and hope.
Liza Mundy: Thanks for the observation; it cements the point above.
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Alexandria, Va.: Mrs. Goldfarb,
How concerned were you and you husband with the looks of the birth parents when you were trying to adopt children?
Hava Leichtman: Interestingly, it was a concern of Bruce that the adoptive parents look like us when looking to select the adoptive parents. In retrospect, I don't think it should be the primary concern. The amount of love a family has to give should be the most important factor! I have biological cousins who look ethnically different than myself, however it doesn't change the fact that we are family and has no impact as to how we feel about one another and the relationships that we have. Family is family whether biologically tied, physically similar, or not!
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USA: I'm in my twenties and a few years ago my mother let me in on a family secret that my father was adopted when he was about 4. I was taken aback -- only because this was not something that was discussed with me before -- and mainly because my own father didn't know it. He still doesn't know, and being in his 50s, I believe that it would be a very difficult thing for him to grasp. His father has passed away almost five years ago, and a part of me wishes that my grandparents would have told him. The reason my mother knows is because my maternal and paternal grandparents were very close friends growing up. I don't have a question, I suppose, but it's because of finding out about my father and how amazing it is that he was adopted (or otherwise I wouldn't be here) -- has prompted me to talk to my husband and think about adoption and how great it would be to welcome into our home a child who otherwise might not get the same opportunities in his/ her current situation.
Ann Goldfarb: Dear USA-
Wow. Now you are another holder of the "family secret". That is a hard postion to be in. There are lots of children here in the US (especially in foster care) and abroad that need a stable, loving home. If you really feel that adoption is something you would like to pursue, go for it.
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Washington, D.C.: This was a very interesting story; thanks for running it. As an international, interracial adoptee, I do have to say that it seems that no one can really say that any one particular method of adoption is right. I've never experienced feelings of abandonment or rejection due to being adopted, just as there are plenty of biological children who certainly have experienced those same feelings. When I was younger, my parents often asked if I wanted to try to find my birth parents and I didn't. An open adoption wouldn't have worked for me, but I'm glad it has for this family.
Also, one adoptee said that being around other adopted kids was good for her; in my experience, I wanted nothing to do with other adopted kids unless there was something else in common other than being adopted. Like I said, each to their own.
One question for Hava -- will you tell Jonathan about your past abortion, assuming you're open about other biological relatives?
Hava Leichtman: If the issue ever comes up, I will answer with full honesty. I don't think my past abortion will make much of a difference to Jonathan one way or the other. It was a decision that I thought was in my best interest at the time, just as I thought going through with my pregnancy and placing Jonathan in an open adoption arrangement was what was best at that point in time.
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K Street D.C.: We adopted our beautiful daughter from Korea when she was six months old -- we went back when she was twelve and met her (very brave) birth mom -- it was perhaps even more special for my wife and me than it was for our daughter. Great article!
Ann Goldfarb: Dear K Street D.C.-
What a great trip! That's amazing that you could find the bmom and she agreed to meet you. I'm sure she was equally thrilled to be able to see that her child was happy and doing well. You are proof that it is possible to have an open international adoption in some cases as well.
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Bethesda, Md.: One of the problems with open adoption that many participants don't forsee is what happens to the interest level of the birth mother when she marries and then has subsequent children of her own. A friend adopted two sons through open adoption (different birth mothers), and the mother of the older boy was quite attentive, visiting quarterly despite living in another state and generally keeping in touch, until she married when the boy was about 5 and then had a subsequent child when the boy was about 7. Her visits stopped and her contact bacame sporadic. This was in contrast to the birth mother of the second child, who remained in close touch (but who has not had any subsequent children). The older son experienced rejection in a very personal and profound way.
Liza Mundy: I'm going to post this comment, becuase it is something that can happen, and a reminder that everybody in this situation has to work very hard to keep things together, and that sometimes, despite everyone's best efforts, the relationships can in fact end. I did interview families in which one child had an open adoption and one, for any number of reasons, did not. It's very hard to keep things equal for both children, and it seems to me that the best a parent can do is simply be honest with the child and try to help him or her cope and make sense of it. This is, it strikes me, a common situations, and you should not feel alone. I think some of the comments from adult adoptees should reassure adoptive parents that children can figure these things out and come to terms with them. Also, people should always--I think--consider availing themselves of post-adoption counselling, if it seems necessary or feels like it would be helpful.
Also, one point that a counselor made that I thought was excellent. Birth mothers and other members of the birth family should always treat both children equally. If one child has an open adoption, adn another one does not, it seems to me that one thing that might help is if the birth family that DOES have the open adoption treats both children with equal love and attention, and lavishes affection on both of them.
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Laurel, Md.: Every adoption situation is different. What may work for one may not work for the other. The birth mom that didn't want to find her child is very moving- - I went through that during my pregnancy. I went from telling my social worker that I wanted a completely closed adoption to telling her that I couldn't live if I didn't know where my daughter was. I made all the decisions myself, her birth dad didn't want to be involved and didn't want to raise her. It's not that she was unwanted (as another poster stated) it was that she was loved so much that we wanted the best for her. And placing her with our adoptive family was the best thing we could provide for her.
Liza Mundy: Yes, absolutely: each situation is different. That became very, very clear to me during the interviews I did with many adoptive families. I interviewed at least 40 adoptive families for this article, and I can tell you that each and every family was different. There was not even a pattern, and certainly no one situation that was representative. Thanks for pointing that out. I hope it will be helpful to readers.
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Media, Pa.: This is for both Hava and Anne. What sort of advice would you give to people in your positions, or considering open adoption? Do you think that there is anything unique about your circumstances that have made your situation at least appear so successful? Admittedly, I'm curious about this as I have one good friend who is desperately trying to learn anything possible about her biological background -- first, to know her medical history, and second, to thank her biological mother for giving her such a wonderful family -- and another who is doing everything she can imagine to avoid knowing anything at all about her biological famiy. Both were adopted in closed adoptions, and both have much younger siblings who were adopted through open adoptions, one successful and one somewhat painful.
Hava Leichtman: what I liked about ann was that she had dealt with her own issues and worked through the pain of infertility. It was the fact that she harbored no resentment toward me for being able to have a child and yet giving it up for adoption that in part made me feel so comfortable in confiding in her and selecting her as the adoptive mother. Everyone is different and has to be sure to ask themselves what they are willing to accept and incorporate into their own lives!
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Washington, D.C.: In defense of the Post's Vonnegut obit, I think the mention of adoption was in context -- I think I recall he had adopted his deceased sister's children. So it was a slightly different situation. But I agree -- generally, no differences should be mentioned.
Liza Mundy: Good point.
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Pittsburgh, Pa.: When/how to tell your child that they are adopted? I've heard "You'll know when they are ready" to "As soon as they can understand English" or to many other suggestions. Obviously, with an open adoption like the one profiled in the article, the birthmother was around from the start.
Our open adoption is more restricted -- we send photos and letters to the birthmother, but there is no other contact. Right now, our pre-school daughter only knows us as her parents. I know we need to tell her, but I want to make sure she will be old enough to understand what we are telling her.
Ann Goldfarb: Hi Pittsburgh, Pa-
Start young. It doesn't matter that she doesn't get it now. She will over time and it won't come as a surprise or like it had been a secret. Read some books with adoption themes and talk to her about it. She'll ask more questions or they will come up as she gets older. Even if she doesn't meet the bmom, she'll at least know that she was adopted and, most importantly, that you choose her to be your special baby. Make it a positive thing -- it is!
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Not a dicotomy: The current thinking is that one can only have an open adoption, or one has adoptive parents who don't support the child eventually learning about his roots.
But that's not true: they aren't mutually exclusive. One can have adoptive parents who want theirr child to eventually know about his roots, but also don't want an open adoption. I think more people would not feel pressured to choose an open adoption if it was made clear that there aren't two extremes.
Liza Mundy: Ok, yes; I hope that's becoming clear from the tenor of previous answers. Even in "open" adoptions, there are lots of ways to define open--from letters and photos once a year, to frequent visits.
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Comment for Ann as an adoptee: Above you mention that the teenage years are probably not an optimal time to introduce the birth mom to the child. I agree. At around age 18/senior in highschool, I began to notice a handful of birth mothers conttacting their children, mostly daughters. These introductions were sudden and without mutual consent. For a time, I lived in fear that this would happen to me.
I would like to hear some comments on managing expectations should a mutually consensual meeting occur with a parent or siblings.
Thank you.
Ann Goldfarb: Thanks for your comments and some actual life validation of my concerns! Any other responses?
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Washington, D.C.: I loved the article! I was wondering if Hava could comment on her relationship with Bruce. Frankly, it sounds like she has herself together and could do much better. I would appreciate her comments on the future of their relationship.
Hava Leichtman: Not sure what the future has in store. I have gotten a lot together, but still struggle with issues of self esteem and depression. There are days I think I deserve better and other days where I recognize I am lucky to have Bruce who obviously cares about me in his own off centered sort of way. These are all things I continue to work through on a daily basis. Bruce is not a bad guy by any means! We just don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues... but then again, I don't know any relatioinships in which both people always do! I can't predict what will happen in the future. For the time being, I am focusing more on my future plans than on my future relationships! :)
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Pittsburgh, Pa: My husband and I have a 5-year old adoptive daughter. While we were able to meet her birthmother shortly after she was born, we have, by mutual choice, not had any face to face contact with the birthmother since our daughter was about 4 days old. We send her photos and an update letter several times a year, and we would be open to having our daughter meet her birthmother (if she choses to do so) when she turns 18. I know that for some parents, open adoptions are wonderful, but we just felt more comfortable with limited contact, and made sure, when seeking a birthmother, that she would also be comfortable with this arrangement. I really admire the family your profiled for being able to make their situation work, but I wonder how often the open adoption, while seemingly ideal at first, has led to problems down the road.
Liza Mundy: I wanted to post this answer, again, so that readers will fully understand that there are lots of different situations, and that all can work, and that parents have to deal with all sorts of considerations in figuring out the best path to take. I gather from talking to professionals that it's true, some fully open adoptions can become too conflict-ridden, or one party fades away. But it's also true that sometimes people start with limited contact and then contact expands as they start to feel more comfortable. What you did--figuring out, at the beginning, exactly what level of contact you were comfortable with, and finding a birth mother who agreed--seems very reasonable and exactly what parents should do.
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Ann Goldfarb: As a clarification, I am an advocate for open adoption, but I also realize that it is not, nor should be, for everyone. The focus of whether you have an open adoption or not should be the CHILD. If the adults can develop a positive and supportive environment for the child, then I think they should. This means you have to genuinely willing to work on the relationships and be comfortable in this. The child will pick up on your feelings. If you can't feel good about the arrangement, find one where you do and can give your child an honest environment.
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A point to balance your comments: Liza,
I'm a well adjusted adopted child not "even though I had a closed adoption", but because for what it was, it was handled with dignity and love. We adoptees, as the study points out, are okay not DESPITE closed adoptions, but for many, many other reasons. I thought your opinion and slant needed balance. Please consider reducing the tone of closed=bad=poor outcome=wrong. It has been right for many people. Additonally it fails to recognize that as an adult I can CHOOSE to initiate a meeting with my birth mother.
Thank you for an otherwise excellent article.
Liza Mundy: I've tried hard to keep comments nonjudgmental, and I'm not sure what comment you are quoting, but I gladly post this viewpoint. I don't feel that I have a "slant," but thanks for writing in.
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Ocean View, Del.: Hava,
Do you feel that you received, or were given the opportunity to receive, adequate counseling to help you deal with relinquishing your son? Do the agencies who facilitate the adoptions provide this as a service to you? As a birth mother who gave up my child at birth in 1970, I am only too aware of the devastating issues that can arise later in life because of NOT having the resources to cope with my loss.
Thanks.
Hava Leichtman: Because Jonathan's adoption was not through an agency and was a private adoption, I did not have resources or counseling that centers such as the Independent Adoption Agency provide to birthmother and adoptive parents. However, I did seek out a private therapist who helped me process my emotions and helped me understand that it was OK to feel what I was feeling and that I was experiencing what is considered "normal" stages in the grieving process.
The only counseling I received that was mandated by law was one brief session prior to my court date (requirement of VA law). I did not find that session overly helpful in that I had not established any prior relations with the social worker. I was as much a stranger to her as she was to me. In fact, she told the Goldfarbs that there was no way I would go through with the adoption. That is not what I was feeling or thinking, and she misinterpretted my anger. I have thought about getting involved in counselling myself so far as helping other prospective birth mothers in the future. It is one of my many goals in life... just need to find the time to make it happen!
Nevertheless, it is important to have someone to talk to. If an expert is available, all the better. If not, at the very least it is important to have a strong support network of friends and family!
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Washington, DC: Very interesting article. It seems there is truly no "one size fits all" approach, which is fascinating in a vacuum but you are playing with real people's lives and emotions. That makes it so much harder.
I did not learn until after my parents' deaths some years ago that I was adopted, when an aunt, who probably for good reason assumed I knew, let this information slip. I know many kids sometime wonder if they are adopted, but in my case it made sense because my parents were 5'4" and 5'8" and I am 6"4 and, also unlike them, built like a lumberjack. I'm better than this than you might think, as I was raised in a loving home and have a good life. When people ask if I have "forgiven" my parents, I can truthfully say there is nothing to forgive.
I don't think knowing I was adopted would have changed this, and at this time I have minimal curiosity about the circumstances of my birth. I do have some medical questions that will probably never be answered, but t hat's true of many people, adopted or not. However, I think that would probably enter into the equation of all those involved in the adoption process today.
Liza Mundy: Thanks for writing in.
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Germantown, Md: For adoptees who aren't/weren't the subject of open adoptions, what are the legal obstacles to us finding our birth parents?
Ann Goldfarb: Hi Germantown, Md-
The legal aspects vary by state. Try looking at adoption.com for more information and links. They are a large site that supports all members of the adoption triad. Good luck to you!
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Washington, D.C.: Thank you for your thoughtful and balanced article. My husband and I adopted our 10-year-old son as an infant. We used an agency and his birth mother selected us based on a portfolio we put together. We met his birth mother once and sent photos and notes to her through the agency for the first few years. The agency has since closed, so we have no way of maintaining contact, which at times makes me sad and worried.
We've told our son everything we know about his birth mom (and dad, who we didn't meet) and have told him that we'll support him if he wants to contact them after he turns 18.
At times, I've wished we had ongoing contact with his birth mom for my son's sake, but after reading the article, I have to admit, I am a little bit relieved we don't.
It seems that Ann has become almost a mother to Hava. I'm not sure I could take on the responsibility of emotionally mothering a woman in her 20s. I'm also not convinced that the ongoing contact between Hava and Jonathon and Melissa and Daniel has been emotionally beneficial for the moms. It really seems that each visit tears open the wound again.
On the other hand, it's wonderful that Daniel and Jonathon know that their first moms love them and didn't just "abandon" them.
Adoption is inherently a mixture of joy and pain. Regarding the Goldfarbs choice, if the adults can continue to maintain this delicate balance and the boys are doing well that's wonderful. But I don't believe an adoption this open could work for every family. Many adoptive families could not handle what the Goldfarbs seem to manage so gracefully.
Hava Leichtman: Just to clarify... Ann by no means "mothers" me. She is a good friend and at times more like a sister. However, if I am struggling, I puposely distance myself from the family until I feel more stable. It is important to me not to impact their lives in any negative way! In fact, it was the Goldfarbs that encouraged more contact at times. At first I was always apologizing and felt guilty that I might infringe on their lives. The goldfarbs were always telling me not to be silly... they welcomed my company. I didn't believe them at first, but I have no doubts now!
I have my own mother and support network whom I rely on when necessary.
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Liza Mundy: Thanks so much to everyone for writing in and contributing to a very lively and rich discussion; and thanks so much to Ann and Hava. It was such a pleasure and a privilege to meet them, as well as Melissa and all the members of the family.
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