John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Fridays at 1 p.m. ET John is online to chat about his columns and mull over anything that's on your mind. A transcript follows.

Discussion Archives/ Recent Columns

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John Kelly: So I spent this morning touring Washington's water-producing infrastructure: where it comes from, how it's treated. It was really cool and I'll be writing about it soon. Now don't blame me if your tap water tastes a little funny. I didn't actually wade into the flocculation tanks or anything. What I find amazing is how basic the technology really is for treating our water. The general principles have been around for centuries.

It was funny driving into the Dalecarlia HQ with one of the engineers. We went through the gate behind a Coca-Cola truck. "You drink Coke here?!" I said. "I thought all you drank was tap water."

She admitted that there was a Coke machine, but that they didn't allow any bottled water. They're very proud of their product. And if they could add caffeine to the water, they wouldn't have the Coke, she joked.

Okay, what were we up to this week? Answer Man kicked things off with an explanation of who pays which taxes at the World Bank. Then I confessed that I was among the clients of the D.C. madam. On Tuesday I wrote about the trouble some people in Virginia are having trying to get a license plate devoted to peace. And Wednesday readers shared their views on what should replace "The Awakening" sculpture at Hains Point. (An American Biology Pond, anyone?) Yesterday I took a trip up to BWI to look at pretty pictures of airplanes. Oh, and as a bonus, this week I again showed how resistant I am to embarrassment, by dressing up as John Smith and walking around town. When you think about it, is a doublet any more ridiculous than a necktie, say, or baggy jeans that hang off your butt?

That Bay Bridge crash is awfully scary. There's not much you can do when something like that happens so suddenly right in front of you.

Okay, let's get chatting....

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Deciding: John, if I grill a t-bone steak this evening, do you think I should accompany it with beer or a glass of wine?

John Kelly: I'll throw this open to the crowd. We'll vote and you have to do whatever we decice.

Personally, I think a nice red wine...

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The $20 bill scam guy: John,

I think it was you who wrote a while back about the guy who comes up with two $10 bills and wants to exchange them for a $20 and when you give him a $20, he palms it, shows you a $1 so you think you made a mistake and give him another $20. Anyway, I just totally impressed my mother-in-law at lunch by preventing that from happening to the table next to us -- as soon as I saw the guy show them a $1, I yelled "That's a scam!" explained to the couple what had happened and they got their $20 back. I guess this guy is working the 14th and F area because I told one of my coworkers and she said it happened to her two weeks ago. Anyway, if that was your story, thanks for the PSA, you just helped someone out! And hopefully others will look out for this guy.

John Kelly: No, that wasn't me. But thanks for the warning. What restaurant were you at? And who wants to trade two 10s for a $20 bill? That would have made me suspicious. I can see wanting smaller bills, but not bigger ones.

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Wonderf UL: I just want to say to Mrs. Kelly and all mothers out there, may peace surround you and your loved ones. Have a Happy Mothers Day!

John Kelly: Oh, geez, that's this Sunday isn't it? Does it seem like Mother's Day is early this year? And now it's too late to send a card. The materno-industrial complex has us in its clutches again.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi John. Can you settle something for me, or at least weigh in?

I was talking to my mother the other day, and I mentioned Bono. She didn't know who he was. I was flummoxed. I thought about it carefully, then said, he's probably the most famous male popular musician of my generation. She scoffed, and said I must be exaggerating.

So I've been thinking about it: Girls in my 3rd-grade class had a crush on him. (I'm 30 now.) So he's got staying power. His band has had regular hits over multiple decades. When he's not doing music, he stays in the public eye with his poverty work. He dines with heads of state, etc. Oh yeah. And he's alive. Cobain can't say that.

Can you back me up here? When describing Bono to my mom in one brief sentence, was it complete hyperbole to call him THE most famous male musician of my generation?

John Kelly: I think it was hyperbole, since all your mother had to say was, "Well if he's so famous, how come I haven't heard of him?"

Is he more famous than Michael Jackson or Sting? Or Kenny Rogers? I guess it also depends on what "generation" you're referring to. I'm 14 years older than you and I sort of missed U2. I mean, I knew about them, but when I was first exposed to them, I was into people like Elvis Costello. I didn't quite "get" U2. I had the same reaction to R.E.M. They both were in my musical blind spot. I think I still prefer the more recent, harder U2 to the kind of aimless early U2, where The Edge kinda noodles around and the drums are just repetitive tom-tom rhythms.

Here's an interesting chart I found,of the RIAA's best-selling artists (U.S. only). U2 is bumped out of the Top 20 by...Whitney Houston. And look at who's Number 3: Garth Brooks. I agree that Bono has done more the world than Garth Brooks.

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Tysons Corner, Va.: Mr. Kelly:

Great video.. You in that getup. Loved how you ambushed your editor.

But here's my question ... What IS the significance of Jamestown? And will there be even MORE in the paper about this 400-year-old thing, or might we get to read about actual NEWS?

And why do I put RANDOM words in CAPS?

washingtonpost.com: Video: The Jamestown Test

John Kelly: I don't think we slighted you on any news just so we could rehash 400-year-old stuff. Consider that special section a bonus. As for J'town's significance, I suppose you could say "Well, America had to start SOMEWHERE." If Jamestown had failed, like other English colonies before it, maybe the Brits woulda just tried to settle somewhere else. Or maybe they would have said, "Right, screw it." In which case we might be conducting this conversation in Spanish or French.

It's hard to imagine things going worse for the colonists, although of course they did at the Lost Colony, which vanished without a trace. I really didn't know much about Jamestown and so I liked all the stories, especially about how that archaeologist was convinced he would find the original fort if he just looked in the right place. And he did.

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Del Ray, Va.: John, did you know that the Virginia Company sent out two separate colonizing groups in 1607? One went to Jamestown and persisted, the other group founded the Popham Colony in Maine. Conditions were too harsh for them on the Maine coast and they sailed home after a single year, but they did have the distinction of building the first European style sailing ship in North America and starting a long tradition of shipbuilding in Maine. So pack up your pantaloons and doublet and get on up to Maine, it's time for a ROAD TRIP!

John Kelly: Cool. You know where I want to go? Bermuda. Not just because of the cool shorts, but because of its Jamestown connection. In 1610 another group of Jamestown-bound colonists ended up getting shipwrecked in Bermuda. The island was uninhabited but had ample clean water and food (mostly pigs left from earlier shipwrecks). If it had been me, I would have stayed in Bermuda. Instead, they spent months building another ship out of scratch so they could continue with their original plan and sail to Jamestown. Amazing.

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Bethesda, Md.: Hi, John. I hope some medical office staffers are reading this chat! I have a lot of medical issues and have doctors appointments scheduled nearly every day. Things seem to be going okay, but I do have a question: Virtually every time I make an appointment, the office asks that I arrive 15, 20, or in one instance 30 minutes early. My question: why not just set the appointment at the time they'd like me to arrive? In other words, rather than giving me a 10:30 appt. and asking me to arriv at 10:15, why not give me a 10:15 appointment?

We won't even talk about the ones that ask you to arrive early and then keep you waiting over an hour before you actually get in!

John Kelly: Huh, that must be a different system than the one my doctors use. They often still keep me waiting, but they keep me waiting from the time of my apppointment, not from 30 minutes before it. In the past I've walked out of appointments if it's clear I'm going to be waiting an egregious amount of time. I think the doctors have gotten better about getting to me, although I suppose all it takes is one late patient to throw everything off track.

Here's some fun medical stuff: I had some blood drawn not long ago to get my cholesterol checked. The doctor gave me a note with a phone number and 4-digit code on it. He said that in a week I should call to hear a recording of my test results. I did and instead heard the details on three other people's tests. I guess they didn't clear off the machine. I finally just called the doctor.

My cholesterol's fine, by the way.

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John Kelly: See, I said I would have red wine because I know I'll be having a beer tonight, with a hot dog at RFK. Will tonight be when the Nats break their streak?

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Arlington, Va.: John, if I grill a t-bone steak this evening, and accompany it with a glass of wine, will you tour my water-producing infrastructure?

John Kelly: There's something about the way you said "water-producing infrastructure" that has me worried. That's not a euphemism, is it?

Did you know that the pipe that carries water from the Potomac to the water treatment plant near Sibley Hospital is 9 feet in diameter? And actually, in many places it's not a pipe at all, just a long tunnel carved into the bedrock.

Not long ago a man drowned in the Potomac and the Park Police called the Washington Aqueduct to ask if it was possible the body could have been sucked into the intake and carried along. It's not possible. There are bars across the intake. They do get eels, though. They are removed, which is why you don't get eels coming from your faucet when you turn the tap.

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Steak: A beer while grilling, then a glass of wine while sitting at the table eating.

I know, you're not supposed to mix. But something about the act of grilling -- actually standing over a barbeque device -- requires a bottle of beer in one hand, and a tool in the other.

If you do take the beer to the table, for god's sake, pour it into a glass.

John Kelly: Hmmmm. I like your thinking. Yes, a beer while grilling makes sense. In fact, it's almost like medicine. It's to cool you down and replace lost electrolytes. Then you take your mild beer buzz to the table and mellow it out with some Merlot.

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The Meat: John, what is your favorite Meatloaf song? Mine is Dead Ringer For Love, but Hot Patootie comes in at a close second.

John Kelly: I think I have to say "Paradise By the Dashboard Lights": What's it going to be? Yes or no?

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Musical blind spots: I'm 31 and love, love, love both R.E.M. and U2, but don't really get Elvis Costello. So there you go. I was once in a game where people were supposed to guess names of famous people from clues, and my friend J. was supposed to be guessing Bono. So the clue-giver said "lead singer of U2." And J. said "dunno." (She's a little clueless, like the original poster's mom.) And the clue-giver said "It sounds like what you just said." And she got it!

I'm sorry, this story was pointless. But I really like U2, although I'm more of an Edge girl than a Bono girl.

John Kelly: Well our Elvis has had several careers by now. Currently he is selling Lexuses (Lexi?) with that Canadian wife of his. I wonder what the guy on the cover of "My Aim Is True" would say about that.

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Coup d'etat?: What's with the tanks and helicopters on the Mall?

John Kelly: Oh, that? Nothing to be afraid of.

Actually, it must be in honor of Public Service Recognition Week. They have examples of your tax dollars at work.

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Hot dogs at RFK: Hey John,

So do you think the hot dogs are any better this year at RFK? Husband and I saw the Nats lose on 4/29 to the Mets, 1-0, and he swears they taste better this year (me, I think if you drown anything in that much mustard and ketchup and wash it down with a beer, you can't possibly be really tasting it!).

John Kelly: We found a place in the stadium that sells pretty good dogs. It's on the 400-level somewhere and they have plain, chili and saurkraut. The only drawback is that they're $7.

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Arlington, Va.: I will be at the Nationals game this evening with a friend. We have a 20-game package and sit in the upper deck of center field because friend is deathly afraid of being hit by a ball. John, where are you sitting, and are you similarly afraid?

John Kelly: We're in 416 and I welcome a foul ball, considering it an opportunity to exercise my cat-like reflexes.

Here's a true story: Many years ago, My Lovely Wife and I took our mothers to a Mother's Day Orioles game at Memorial Stadium. We got there for batting practice and had seats way down the first base line, but low, in the 2nd or third row. The minute--I mean the precise SECOND--that we sat down, a line drive foul struck my white-haired mother-in-law in the middle of the chest and bounced back onto the field. I had brought my glove in the hopes of snagging a foul, but hadn't even had a chance to get my bearings.

My mother-in-law turned out to be okay though I spent the rest of the game in a state of high alert.

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Huzzah, Va.: John,

Speaking of people impervious to embarrassment, you must come to the next Rennaissance Festival.

P.S. If I can prove to wapo.com that I'm a paying subscriber of the print version can they MAKE THOSE DARN BLUE DOT ADS STOP POPPING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SCREEN?! Forsooth ...

John Kelly: I love the Renaissance Festival, though I don't dress up for it. I love how it's an excuse for people to just go wild, without having to actually be true to the "Renaissance." You get all these tattoed biker chicks in push-up bras and odd little men in tights and English majors and Goths all dressed in black. And so much food on a stick! Everything tastes better on a stick. It pushes the flavor to the outside.

Isn't there a "close" button on those blue dot pop-ups?

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Alexandria, Va.: Wasn't there cannibalism at Jamestown?

John Kelly: There were reports of it, yes. One fellow supposedly murdered his wife and ate her. And I think corpses were dug up and snacked upon. They were pretty desperate.

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washingtonpost.com: Jamestown: 400 Years

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washingtonpost.com: Jamestown: 'Savage Kingdon' ( Discussions, May 9)

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Seven bucks for a hot dog?: We always used to go to Phillies games on Dollar Dog Day. Do the Nats do anything like that?

John Kelly: I dunno. Anyone? Here's the promotional schedule for the home games. I see that tonight I will be getting a Miller Lite cooler, as long as I am among the first 25,000 fans 21 or over. I think the odds are pretty good that will be the case.

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The Awakening: Granted, I used to drop a lot of acid, but I swear I remember an elementary school field trip to someplace on the water in D.C. where we climbed all over The Awakening. Trouble is, I'm 46, and I wasn't in elementary school in 1980, despite the best efforts of my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. DeGeorge. Are we 100 percent sure that it debuted during the latter end of the Carter administration, as opposed to relocated to HP in 1980?

Thanks John. RG in Boyds.

John Kelly: It was brought here for a sculpture conference that year. I suppose it may have been somewhere else before that, but I don't think it's old enough for you to have played on it in third grade, no matter where it was. Are you sure you're not just misremembering a jungle gym somewhere?

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Alexandria, Va.: To encourage the Post to pay for the Bermuda trip, tell them you'll also swing by Washington's Barbadian timeshare:

George Washington's Caribbean Hideaway Opens

John Kelly: Do I have to dress up like George Washington?

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HIPAA!: John, if you heard the results of three other patient's tests, the provider is violating HIPAA privacy laws. He or she is liable for fines up to $10,000 per violation and he is legally required to tell the people whose results were given that there was a breach of their privacy. Next time you talk to your doctor's office, let them know. I am sure it was not intentional but it is a violation of Federal Laws.

John Kelly: Is there any sort of finder's fee or reward? I'd turn them in for 10 percent of the fine. Or maybe I could get one free mole check.

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Elvis Costello: Hi John,

I am 26 and didn't know who this is, so I googled him. Kinda nerdy looking, isn't he?

By the way, he'll be at the 9:30 club here in D..C on May 18, if you want to go see him.

John Kelly: Well he's somewhere between Bono and Sonny Bono. I don't think I can afford to see Elvis anymore. Tickets have gotten too expensive. I do have fond memories of him at Cole Field House, though.

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Bono: I'm 36 and my mother is 65 and very much not into music, but she knows who Bono is. I don't want to comment on this person's mother, but Bono really is so much in the news for non-music stuff that perhaps her mother is not a big follower of the news? Nor football (they performed on the opening of MNF this year in NoLa).

John Kelly: I remember once, sometime in the '80s, visiting my grandmother and one of her friends. They asked I was and what I'd been doing that day. I had just come from seeing the movie "Star Trek II." I thought: How am I going to explain this? "I just went to see movie based on a TV show that you probably never saw, in which this guy named "Spock" is a main character. He's an alien with pointy ears." I felt ridiculous.

This is all to say that each generation has its own cultural reference points. And there are variations within each generation.

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Southwest, D.C.: The island was uninhabited but had ample clean water and food ...

Really? I thought Bermuda had no water sources, hence the rainwater collection systems.

Also, can you tell me what the heck is going on in downtown Silver Spring? They've dug parts of the brick sidewalk and replaced it with ... concrete. Pinkish concrete.

John Kelly: Perhaps I misremembered about the water, but I thought I read that there were springs. Maybe it was the Bahamas. And maybe it was the Pilgrims. And maybe it wasn't water but hot chocolate.

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The Awakening : Can't it be replaced by:

Ho Ho Ho

John Kelly: Can you imagine if we had something like that at Hains Point? A huge Colossus, like the ancients had at Rhodes? It would be really cool, but I don't the FAA would like it.

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S. Arlington, Va.: John,

Any word why the lights are not working at the FDR Memorial?

I sent the question 2-3 weeks ago.

Thanks!

John Kelly: Didn't I ask for you to e-mail me that? That way it would sit, accusingly, in my digital in-box, instead of vanishing after I log out from the chat.

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Elvis is Everywhere:"I am 26 and didn't know who this is, so I googled him. Kinda nerdy looking, isn't he?"

That's it. Our society is doomed.

John Kelly: That reminds me of a great scene from "Cheers," where Ted Danson is talking with somebody about some 1960s band or musical act or something. Woody Harrelson is looking on uncomprehendingly and Danson tries to explain by saying "They're an oldies group." And Harrelson says, "Oh, like DEVO?"

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Washington, D.C.: Happy Friday.

Do you know if they are going to turn on the fountain at Banneker Park this year? I was shocked when it went on last year, considering I've been working at L'Enfant Plaza since 2000 and never even knew a fountain existed there.

John Kelly: Perhaps we have a twofer here: Lights at FDR; water at Banneker Park.

I don't know, but that's a good question. Can you send it to kellyj@washpost.com.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi John,

I just wanted to say that I finally got one of those Metro surveys the other day (call me what you will, but I was excited!), only to be terribly disappointed by the content of the survey. I was expecting some questions about quality of service and the like, but instead got dumb questions about where I got on and off the Metro. Needless to say, I was frustrated -- what's the matter, Metro? Afraid to hear what people think of the system?

And on a side note, I loved the John Smith video! Happy Friday!

John Kelly: Isn't there a space for "other comments"? You could write a little essay there.

Did you see the story about how one of the

Metro train operators was on a cell phone around the time of a recent fatal crash? This caught my eye: "Although most transit systems have policies regulating cellphone use, there is no national standard, said Greg Hull, security chief for the American Public Transportation Association, who added that the association is developing guidelines."

"Developing guidelines"? How hard can that be? Here, I'll write the guideline: Don't use a cell phone while operating a bus or train. There. Done.

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Washington, D.C.: That $20 bill guy scammed one of my co-workers -- we were sitting outside of Gifford's on E St. The "funny" thing is my co-worker knew he was getting scammed but felt bad for the guy and went along with it.

John Kelly: Where's your friend work? I need to get two 10s for a 5.

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Cholesterol: That reminds me of the story about the murder suspect who allows the authorities to take his blood to test against the blood found at the crime scene. His lawyer comes to visit him in jail and says, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?" "Well, the DNA in the blood is a perfect match; you're gonna fry."

"What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is only 170!"

John Kelly:"That is good news. I can have steak and fries for my final meal!"

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Re: Bono: I could nitpick your other suggestions for most famous male musician of my generation, but I take your point: others are more infamous. Still, I bet if we were to assign a points system to all the ways a living musician can be famous, Bono would come out pretty far ahead. Especially if arrests and high-profile court cases in which the musician is the defendant can be counted as negative value. Someone ought to get on this.

John Kelly: Yes, perhaps there's a formula waiting to be created: albums sold plus Grammies won divided by appearances on "SNL" minus nasty divorces times Live Aid gigs....

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Washington, D.C.: One spring break in Panama City my friend and I stayed at her grandparents condo. We ended up scoring tickets to see 50 Cent. When we told her grandparents about it, gramps was like "Fiddy Cent! I like him. And Beyonce." Sometimes old people are a little whack. It must be that selective memory.

John Kelly: That's true. My mother is much more up on recent rock and roll than my father. I downloaded Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" from iTunes--then saw that my 13-year-old daughter already had. (Really, Avril, do we need the "Explicit Version"?)

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Boys and Girls club closings?: Hello John,

Have you heard that both the Capitol Hill branch and the Georgetown branch of the Boys and Girls Clubs are closing?

What a shame ...

John Kelly: Yes, they say there aren't enough poor kids in the neighborhoods anymore. Opponents of the move say it's a money thing. The club is sitting on some valuable real estate.

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Bono Who?: I'm not sure why it would matter that your mother didn't know who Bono was. It seems understandable that she may not have heard of him. I think he's probably more famous as a saint now than a singer in a band. They don't sell half as many records as they did in the late 80s and early 90s and take a lot more time off between albums, thus lowering their profile on Entertainment Tonight or People where someone's mom might pick up on what those darn "kids" are listening too. I was much more shocked when my stepfather who was in the military, conscious during the 60s, had teenaged kids during the 70s [that] claimed to have never heard of Bob Dylan. Granted Bob Dylan's no Bono, but how's that for out of touch? Are you going to the EC 930 show on Friday or Rams Head tomorrow?

John Kelly: My very strait-laced military father had early Dylan and Peter, Paul & Mary albums, but that's because he played the guitar and was into folk music. I think he totally dozed on the Beatles, probably because he was too busy with work and two screaming kids.

I wonder what future generations will ask us? I hope they don't ask me about Bono.

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Arlington, Va.: I think you'll find that 100 years from now, U2 will be up there with the Beatles and the Stones and Elvis and Sinatra. But music is all about personal preference and what's that go to do with Washington? Certainly Bono's the most famous rockstar in Washington, D.C.

Speaking of Washington, what is your take on the hub-bub over the negative coverage of the Nats? Do you think your paper should be more kind to teh Baby Gnats?

John Kelly: I think we're just reporting the facts. The fact is, the team is pretty bad. The weird thing is, this is part of "the plan." Yes, we're going to suck now so we can be better later. Weird plan. It reminds me of the Redskins last season, when they kept losing during preseason and we were told, "Don't worry, we're only using 10 percent of our 700-page playbook." Do ya think maybe you should 25 or 30 percent?

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Petworth, Washington, D.C.: Oh, I am sad. Adults who are too young to know who Elvis Costello is. I am sad.

Wonder if they know who Sid Vicious was. Or Jerry Lee Lewis.

Ah well, at least everyone knows who Johnny Cash was, right?

John Kelly: Yeah, he was married to Reese Witherspoon.

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New movies: Hi John,

What do you think of the summer movie lineup? Shrek 3? Oceans 13? Harry Potter umpteenth? The Simpsons?

Others?

John Kelly: Guilty pleasure: I want to see that Transformers movie. I like scary space monster movies. I mean, not TOO scary. "Alien" almost killed me.

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Okay that begs the question ...:... what DO you wish future generations would ask you, John?

John Kelly:"How did it feel winning $300 million in the lottery, Sir John?"

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Washington, D.C.: Beer is so integral to grilling that I haven't yet broken out the barbeque this year. Being pregnant, I'm not supposed to drink beer. Without beer, why grill?

By the way, did you get my e-mail yesterday about the story idea involving salvaged windows? I sent it through the contact form, and I remember you having problems with it in the past.

John Kelly: I got the e-mail, yes. It's a good idea that I'll try to get to.

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Arlington, Va.: If it's a really big steak, then have wine with the steak, and beer with the leftovers that you slice up for steak and cheese subs this weekend for lunch.

John Kelly: I don't know if we have a clear winner. The consensus seems to be beer AND wine, in some combination.

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Petworth, Washington, D.C.: One night, riding home on the bus, there's an older gentleman across the aisle from me. He's listening to his iPod.

His cell phone rings. He answers and has a discussion with his granddaughter, including the memorable bit, "Thanks for puttin' the music on this thing, but why you go and give me this Half Dollar when you know I don't like him."

John Kelly: Me, I have trouble keeping Sum 41 and +44 straight.

Thanks for stopping by, folks. Enjoy your weekend and reflect upon the fact that if you had been here 400 years ago, you'd probably be spending it in an entirely different way.

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