Daily Updates: 5.30.07 | 5.31.07 | 6.1.07

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Cast your vote in this week's poll.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

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Gene Weingarten: Many comments about my Googlenope (link) column on Sunday, several of which attempted to inform me that this was an old idea called Googlewhacks; others dryly notified me that each of my phrases got several thousand hits, not none. Both groups of letter writers were sadly misinformed. Googlewhacking is a far less creative process in which you try to find two words that exist only once in the same file, anywhere on the Web. Googlenopes require zero examples of an entire, intact phrase, presented in quotes. Yes, the words "varsity" and "pinochle" might well have many thousands of simultaneous hits, but not together as a single phrase.

Thank you to Julia and Bob Jablonski, who created a few Googlenopes of their own ("raucous tea ceremony," "elegant decontamination suit," "my wife talks to little" and "golf fan rampage.") As always with Googlenopes, each of the these phrases will cease to be a Googlenope once this chat has been archived. Thus, slowly, shall we create a world where nothing has been left unsaid.

One of the Googlenopes in the column was "the best pork chops in Jerusalem," which prompted this e-mail:

I have told hundreds of fellow journalists about the best pork chops in Jerusalem since I was there with Koppel during the first intifada in 88 or 89. Never consigned this to writing, which is why there are no hits. The best pork chops in Jerusalem are right across the street from the King David Hotel at the Jerusalem YMCA restaurant (where they serve beer and wine I might add, something I have been suggesting to the Rhode Island Ave. Y for years) Not only pork chops but pork chops smothered in cream sauce and peppercorns. You can't imagine how decadent you can feel till you sit on the Y patio drinking beer and eating pork chops in cream sauce in Jerusalem.

Gordon (soon to be burning in hell) Swenson, Nightline

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On a related issue, I have received a disturbing communique from The Empress of the Style Invitational, who supplied me with a statistic and asked what I make of it. I am confounded and perplexed, so I am going to ask you all.

As many of you know, The Style Invitational is a weekly humor contest that has been in (more or less) continuous publication since 1993, under the direction of two persons. Both of these persons are Jews who, presumably, have "Jewish" senses of humor. The Style Invitational pulls much of its readership, and its participants, from the Washington D.C. area, which is heavily populated by Jewish persons. Moreover, Jewish persons are renowned for their highly developed and subversive senses of humor.

Now, here is the all-time list of the stars of the Style Invitational -- those individuals who have made the most appearances in print since 1993:

Russell Beland

Tom Witte

Chris Doyle

Chuck Smith

Jennifer Hart

Brendan Beary

Elden Carnahan

Stephen Dudzik

Joseph Romm

Jonathan Paul

There is not a Jew in this group. The Empress asked me to speculate why. I suggested that she have a contest to come up with a reason why -- a suggestion she rejected when she realized she probably could not publish the funniest entries. She decided this after her son, The Scion of the Style Invitational, laughingly suggested ... "because there are no cash prizes."

But I'm not scared. Why so few Jews? How can the Empress get more Jews to enter?

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Penultimately, you might want to check out this tattoo.

And lastly, my smart, politically conservative friend Skeezix, who writes to me frequently to deride my columns, e-mailed me on Sunday to once again inform me that the Googlenope conceit was unfunny and uninformative. His e-mail, for some reason I have yet to figure out but probably was a dig at my patriotism, ended with the familiar quote attributed to the American patriot martyr Nathan Hale, from the gallows in Sept. 1776: "I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

This gave me the delicious opportunity to inform Skeezix that this quote is entirely fabricated, which he indignantly denied until he checked -- deeply, as he does most things -- and discovered I was right. What the 21-year-old Mr. Hale most likely said, as reported by eyewitnesses in contemporaneous accounts, was far less noble -??¿??¿?? sniveling, actually ??¿??¿??- and was a lot closer to "I vas only following orders." The noble account was apparently ginned up by journalists over the years after the Revolutionary War and did not appear in its most familiar form until about 1830.

It occurred to both of us that this is one of the most enduring myths of American history -- that quote is repeated all over the place, and appears in current history books. Can anyone think of equally egregious factual misstatements of American history? (Not politicially slanted presentations of history, but out and out fabrications presented as fact.)

The Comic Picks of the week are affected by the comics in today's poll, so I am not going to order them here. I would like to point out that today's Agnes continues to fulfill my high expectations of this strip. And today's Baldo isn't bad at all.

Okay, let's go.

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Pervert, Ed: Hi Gene,

I have what I guess amounts to an ethical dilemma, albeit a small one, and I wanted your opinion. What exactly are our responsibilities as patrons when we like the art but consider the artist immoral? For example, Wagner is a well-known anti-Semite and misogynist. Doesn¿??t really affect me so much since I am not a huge opera fan, but what about Cat Stevens? He was pretty benignly crazy when he wrote some of the music I like, but now he is a total whack-job. Can I still listen to his early music? What about Michael Jackson? I think he is probably a perv, but I still like to rock out to Thriller every now and then. Knowing that he is now a perv (even if maybe he wasn¿??t one at the time he wrote the music), what are my responsibilities as a listener?

As I pondered that question, a bunch more along the same vein came to mind. For example, there is a gated community in my city that historically did not allow blacks or Jews to live inside the fence. Now, I don¿??t plan to ever live there because who wants to live in a gated community, but what if I found my dream house there? I don¿??t think I could do it because of the history of the community. But now I start getting a little nervous, because if my responsibility extends to not listening to artists that are pervs or neighborhoods with reproachable pasts, all of a sudden I need to research the history of every product I consume. So where do I draw the line, if in fact there is a line to be drawn?

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: I like this question, and it is not unrelated to the previous one!

Does one visit Germany, since one is giving money to the children and grandchildren of Nazis?

Do you drive a VW?

Do you live in the United States, since it was developed on the sweat of slave labor?

If one gets too deep into these questions, one finds oneself in the mideast, best exeplified by this cartoon. (Liz, can you link to the brilliant Sunday Dbury from around Feb 16. Speaks to this point....)

washingtonpost.com: Doonesbury, (Feb. 18)

Gene Weingarten: So with that in mind, we go back to your original question. What about artists?

As I suggested in the previous answer, I separate the art from the artist. My favorite Yankee during the 1970s was Graig Nettles, whom I suspected (this was later established) to be a schmuck and an antisemite. I loved how he played the game. Uh, other than the occasional blatant cheating, such as the time his bat split open and super balls were inside.

Now I know this dissociative philosophy is illogical, and even anti-humanist to a point. But it's the same impulse that makes me not care what celebs are like when they are not performing.

You have to make your own calls. To me, not listening to Die Walk??re because Wagner was just as prejudiced against Jews in the 1850s as America was against blacks doesn't seem to make much sense. A better reason not to listen to Die Walkure is that it sucks.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene: I was at an alumni rugby game last month at a small liberal arts college and observed, what I thought, was a pretty funny/bizarre incident. I am interested to hear your thoughts on this.

The undergraduate rugby team was hosting a "social" for the alumni and also for a team from a state college. A tradition at socials is to sing bawdy songs, one of them being "The S & M Man". Throughout the song individuals supply a new verse and the whole group sings the chorus. This song involves singing terribly innapropriate things about a variety of topics including abortion, nuns, priests, asians, Mexicans, jews, pedophiles, incest, and rape. It is basically putting the content of The Aristocrats into a song.

After about ten verses, a team member from from the state college got up and provided a verse that was very degrading to gays. In response, all of the state college players laughed and all of the liberal arts players were dead silent.

I found this reponse to be hillarious. To the liberal arts students, singing about raping nuns, "correcting" asians' eyes, or eating fetuses was perfectly acceptable, but taking a shot at gays was a ghastly error. Of course, not even the state college folks dared to address African Americans.

Why in a song whoes purpose is to say the most inappropriate things possible, is anything out of bounds?

Further, why is knowlingly saying inappropriate things funny in the first place? For the record, I generally find this form of humor to be funny.

Gene Weingarten: It's because trashing gays is "real." It is connecting with a real prejudice. The rest is silly.

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Allegany, N.Y.: "The nimble William Howard Taft" got no hits on Google. Thought you should know.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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RE: American History: What about George Washington's famous, "I cannot tell a lie"?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, the cherry tree -- but we KNOW that was nonsense, invented by Parson Weems. No one really believes that. I bet 99 of 100 people reading this chat did not know that Nathan Hale was an invention.

Betsy Ross is sort of an invention, too, I think. I don't think she sewed the first. She did sew flags.

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No Jews?: You know, I've always kind of wondered what Jews did on Sunday mornings. They can't treat it like I do Saturday mornings, because the stores are closed and most neighborhoods prohibit noisy yardwork.

Gene Weingarten: Most Jews treat it like Saturday mornings, too. Most Jews, I bet, are nonreligious.

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Romm: Joe Romm isn't Jewish?

Gene Weingarten: No. At least the Empress believes he is not.

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New York, N.Y.: Your thoughts on the Rosie O'Donnell - Elizabeth Hasselbeck feud?

Gene Weingarten: I was unaware there was a feud.

I guess this is a good time to say again that I lack the celeb gene. The main thing I know about Elizabeth Hasselback is that she is the wife of the former New York Giants backup quarterback Tim Hasselbeck, who was replaced last year by a big, fat left-handed thrower named Jared Lorenzen (he's nearly 300 pounds)who has the best nickname in pro sports: The Hefty Lefty.

Here is what I don't get about celeb worship:

I like the work of a lot of celebs whose talents I admire. Many are athletes. Others are actors. Some are writers or musicians or cartoonists. I follow what they do in front of a screen, or onstage, or on a playing field, or on the printed page.

The thing is, in virtually all such cases, the most interesting thing about these people IS their work. Personally, they prove to be shallow or inarticulate or wildly self-absorbed or stupidly melodramatic or immature or all of the above. Their marriages tend to be ridiculous. They are role models for no one. The celebs who tend not to be these things are the ones who run from exactly the sort of publicity the public seems to hunger for (say, Garry Trudeau.)

So, someone splain me why people can't get enough of all the pathetic adventures of these people, when you are getting all the best stuff -- the only important stuff -- from their work product?

Actually, I'm addressing this to the estimable Celebritologist, who is as well qualified to answer this question than perhaps anyone else on earth. Splain. I seriously don't get it.

washingtonpost.com: I've talked about this a few times in my own chat (Thursdays at 2 p.m., ahem) and it comes down to schadenfreude, basically. We take some kind of sick delight in knowing that celebrities, despite all their bling and beauty, are just as fallible as we.

Walter Winchell, the real Celebritologist, said it much better:

"Gossip was a form of democratization --a great leveler. It demonstrated that the celebrated were no better than the rest of us and sometimes much worse. Or, put another way, it allowed people to feel better about themselves by feeling worse about those who had so much more."

In the current climate of tabloid sensationalism and 24/7 paparazzi stalking, the work is really a secondary interest.

Sad, but true.

Gene Weingarten: We are idiots, then.

This whole construct depends on our feeling they are BETTER than we are.

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Whaaa, AA?: Gene, I hate to cast the results of this whole poll-taking phenomenon into doubt, but I'm pretty sure that some people are just clicking random answers to your questions. As of 10:45am on Tuesday, 44 people appear to have chosen the "canary" cartoon as possessing the greatest irony. That doesn't just happen. Something is screwy here.

Gene Weingarten: People are not understanding what irony is. I will explain.

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For PtheP: Ugh. In the article featured on the front of the web site today, about the high school pole vaulter, I find the following: "...writes tongue-and-cheek articles..."

Please explain how on earth that got through the editors!

Gene Weingarten: You are making a cynical assumption that this is wrong. I simply assumed the writer of the articles in question was a quadriplegic.

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I checked: I have to admit, I checked to see if there was, in fact, one hit on "Gene Weingarten is hot." I knew you wouldn't make up people, but after last week's chat, I wanted to be sure when you said you wouldn't make something up, it meant you wouldn't even make up little things.

The comment, though, was on Liz's blog, which I thought was funny.

washingtonpost.com: What?!?!

Gene Weingarten: It was! It was!

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Arlington, Va.: I just wanted to say I am the person who posted the "Weingarten is hot" comment to Liz's blog. I don't know if I am flattered or embarrassed, which is probably pretty much how you felt.

washingtonpost.com: Ah, that explains it.

Gene Weingarten: Ha. I figured that column would smoke you out, lady.

I felt flattered. When a person looks like I do, and is my age, and is told that someone finds me hot -- well, this occasions wild, exuberant joy, however the statement may be qualified. You could tell me find me hot, even though you are blind and also find Dick Cheney hot. No problem! A woman finds me hot! Nuff said.

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Stokking: Is this good journalism or irresponsible? The Washington Post printed an article about teenaged pole vaulter Allison Stokke and the unwanted attention she's garnered (in the form of pictures and videos post on numerous Web sites). The article included a link to a fan site that has a slideshow of pictures taken of her, probably by strangers at track and field meets. The pictures show that she is 1. a sterling athlete and 2. a stone hottie. Was The Washington Post irresponsible in linking to this site, which is the epitome of exactly the kind of attention this young woman doesn't want?

washingtonpost.com: Teen Tests Internet's Track Record, (Post, May 29)

Gene Weingarten: This was quite a story.

There is misogynistic precedent for exactly this phenomenon. In the 1950s (I believe) a LIFE magazine photographer at the summer Olympics took a shot of a Scandinavian woman high jumper moments after she failed at a pretty low height. She was a nobody, an also-ran. She was also a major long-legged hottie blond, sitting there in the sand in the pit, hair wisped across her face, looking sultry and sulky and pouty. It became the biggest sports photo of the year.

I tried to find this on the Web but couldn't. Anyone?

Meanwhile, to the question at hand. Newspapers are constantly fighting between the desire to inform as fully as possible and the desire to do no harm. Or to do MINIMUM harm. Or less harm than might otherwise be done. Or not to kill.

Back in the 1980s, when I was at The Miami Herald, the Herald published a big ol' story about how the country's national parks were overrun with tourists, just drowning in people and litter and thus such, to the extent that no one was having fun anymore. Then, as a nice, reader-friendly convenience, The Herald helpfully had a few nuts n bolts boxes telling people how to get to the nearest national parks, the hours they were open, etc..

That was a mistake. So, I think, was this. (It might be a slightly bigger mistake. The site has some female naughty bits in it. (Though it also has a pretty funny 90-second clip consisting entirely of soccer players getting hit in the groin with the ball.)

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Brooklyn, N.Y.: Calling me dumb is an adequate explanation for the following question. Can you explain the joke in "Rhymes with Orange" to me? Because I don't get it.

Gene Weingarten: You have heard of a canary in a coal mine? When it dies, you know there is poison gas in the cave and you have to get out.

Well, this bird is not dying, it is developing two heads.

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Punta Cana, Dominican Republic (this week): Was Friday's Frazz aimed at you? If so, how does that rank among honors you've received?

washingtonpost.com: Frazz, (May 25)

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, it was. They key evidence is the Yankees shirt.

Once every few years, Jef sends me a shout-out. It's cool.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, I was watching TV at some point this weekend and I saw an ad for a new product, Tampax Cardboard.

Now, I guess I am demonstrating my guy-ness here, but ... Cardboard? I mean ... but then ... CARDBOARD? CARDBOARD??

Gene Weingarten: I think this might be a reference to the applicator, not the product itself. I am guessing cardboard is more pliable than plastic as an applicator. Is this right, females?

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Jewishhum, OR: The premise for your inquiry on the dearth of Jewish winners of the Style Invitational is wrong. Since Jews are very funny, it is clear that the low number of Jews among the top winners is because the Empress and the Czar before her are anti-semites.

I suggest you provide reparations to Dave Zarrow immediately.

Gene Weingarten: Dave Zarrow and David Genser, both Jewish are in the SECOND tenn.

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New York, N.Y.: Egregious hisorical innacuracies:

The Lusitania wasn't carrying weapons.

The Maine was blown up on purpose.

Iraq had something to do with 9/11.

Gene Weingarten: Lusitania and Maine. Both good. I just recently learned the Lusitania was carrying weapons. The Germans were right to blow it, in wartime. Or, at least justified.

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Santa Fe, N.M.: The more you know about most artists, the more likely you are to find something that you could disapprove of or even hate. Charles Dickens married life was appalling. Ruskin... even worse. A friend of mine is more up on the lives of the famous than I am, and she can reveal the ugly underbelly of anyone for whose work I express admiration. I just go with my gut. I usually separate the sins of the artist from the art, but sometimes I can't help myself from turning away.

Gene Weingarten: Ruskin's sex life was hilarious. He had his first marriage annulled after a few weeks (her name was Euphermia Grey) because he was horrified to discover women had pubic hair.

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Wagner and antisemitism: OK, Jewish opera singer and academic, here. Wagner's feeling toward Jews were absolutely not comparable to those you cited. He was angry at a few specific Jews for specific personal reasons, and got ranty in personal correspondance (in a way that, as you poing out, was socially acceptable at the time). But he also had Jews among his friends, and perhaps above all, he chose a Jewish conductor for the premiere of his masterpiece, Parsifal (an opera about the Holy Grail that takes place on a Good Friday), so could not, it seems to me, have been all that anti-semitic. Also, yep, Walkuere is definitely not great, but Tristan und Isolde is worth getting to know.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you! Knew none of that.

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Determined h, OW?: I'm wondering how the Empress determined how the folks whose names you listed are not Jewish. Is she guessing by name?

I just married a Hungarian whose last name is "Simon." It's a common last name in Hungary. Which column would the Empress put me, or him, in?

Goyishly yours,

Mrs. Simon

Gene Weingarten: We are talking about The Empress here, madame. She Knows These Things.

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Bethesda, Md.: I know you think The New Yorker is snobby, but Adam Gopnik just had an interesting article about what Sec. Seward really said at Lincoln's bedside after Lincoln died: "Now he belongs to the ages" or "Now he belongs to the angels." Bottom line, as with a lot of famous quotes, no one really knows, because there wasn't any reliable recording mechanism.

Gene Weingarten: Oooh, so "belongs to the ages" is not true?

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American History: There's a fantastic book called "Lies My Teacher Told Me" that talks about a lot of these myths and why our school textbooks keep bringing them up. Like how no one really talks about Helen Keller as an adult because she became a raging Communist.

Gene Weingarten: Communist is better than Nazi, like Lindbergh or Ford.

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Canary Islands: The canary in the uranium mine joke was, I believe, stolen from an R.E.M. song called "How the West Was Won and Where it Got Us." Check the first two lines of the second verse.

Gene Weingarten: Nah, that's not a steal.

Hey, I hear that Hilary Price (Rhymes with Orange) just won best panel cartoon at the Reuben Awards. And Pearls Before Swine best strip.

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Washington, D.C.: Regular Tampax have always been cardboard, so I wonder what the "newness" is. Maybe they are remarketing it as eco-friendly?

Gene Weingarten: Still, this is the applicator, right? Not the 'pon itself?

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Education, AL: While we are on the subject of products that endure, over time, despite being obviously inferior and stupid, allow me to nominate the Roman numeral. No doubt it was a stroke of genius back in the day, when the only choice (at least in the geographical region) was to use your fingers and toes. But not now and not for most of the last 2000 years, since the Arabic numeral -- clearly a superior product -- emerged. As best I can tell, the only use of the Roman numeral today is as an instrument of pomposity. When Hollywood wants to flash the date of its latest teen-oriented gross-out farce across the credits to make its product look like something for the ages, not caring whether anyone can decipher it in the three seconds it's displayed, look no further. When young Chauncey needs to be distinguished from his forebears, none of whom could find a better way to leave a print on the sands of time than to inflict his beastly given name on his offspring, I give you... the Roman numeral. And when one over-hyped, forgettable Super Bowl must be distinguished from another ... Well, you get my point. Not only is it an inferior product, it has tormented generations of schoolchildren. To those of us who have suffered needlessly, I say, "Enough!" The madness must stop.

Yes, I know, I do need to get a life.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. The most maddening gratuitous use of the Roman numeral is on the copyright page of a book, or the credit of a movie: MCMXLVIII. Great, thanks!

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Women in skimpy clothing: When I was in high school, I was the geeky, incredibly shy, straight-A, math club and marching band girl with glasses. Not popular with the boys. When I was 17, I got a part-time job where I met people (boys) I didn't go to school with, who didn't know I was a geek and therefore were allowed to find me attractive, lost about 15 pounds and the glasses, and discovered mini-skirts. I loved mini-skirts and I fully understood the attention and the source of the attention I got while I was wearing one. I wanted that attention. Yes, the attention was in fact the whole point of the miniskirt.

When I was 21, I was wearing a very short, ruffledy, floofy miniskirt that flounced when I walked. I was in a bar. I had been dancing, and after I returned to my table, a man walked up to our table and informed me that you could see my underwear while I was dancing. Before I had a chance to respond, my friend told him, "well, yeah, that's the point." He was embarrassed and walked away. Here's the thing, though -- it wasn't the point. As much as I was aware of the attention showing off my legs got me, and as absolutely obvious as it is now, it had never occurred to me in the four years that I had been wearing them (and LOOKING for attention) that guys might look up my skirt and see my underwear in the general course of the day. I knew enough to sit with my legs crossed and bend at the knees to pick something up off the floor, but that was about it.

Yes, I was incredibly stupid. But seriously, it hadn't occurred to me.

Now that I am older and wiser, I'm aware of the possibility. I wouldn't wear a mini-skirt if I were going out for a night playing pool, for example, unless I were specifically looking for a particular kind of attention. But, escalators? Really, I am supposed to worry about what I'm wearing because at some point during the day I might spend 30 seconds on an escalator and some stranger might try to look up my skirt, getting to see maybe as much skin as I would show to a bunch of strangers anyway, in a different setting, like a beach? Honestly, guys, while women certainly do give some thought to what we put on in the morning and how we are going to look IN GENERAL, we have not thought out every possible movement we are going to make during the day and dressed to ensure that at every second during the day, any man who happens to be around us can see exactly what we want them to see but no more. We like you, we think about what kind of impression we are going to make on you, but we are not THAT obsessed.

For that matter, if I'd put on a short skirt in anticipation of a night at, say, a jazz club, and my friends decided to head over to the pool hall instead, I wouldn't let the skirt stop me from going. Or playing.

If a woman is wearing a low-cut blouse and mini-skirt, yes, she knows it is going to draw your eye. However, women who "accidentally" flash you may have planned it that way (like my friend in the bar), may be aware the possibility is there but not particularly care too much (like me now), or may really be totally clueless (like me at 18).

But, no, don't tell her.

Gene Weingarten: I just want to address one small point. A minor point. I needed to correct Gina on this point, in that column, and I shall have to correct you, too:

"... I am supposed to worry about what I'm wearing because at some point during the day I might spend 30 seconds on an escalator and some stranger might try to look up my skirt ..."

Madam, if you are wearing a short miniskirt and traveling up an escalator, men below you are not (necessarily) TRYING to see your bottom. They are almost incapable of NOT seeing your bottom. The general physical attitude of a person riding up an escalator is to face your destination. The man who does NOT see your bottom is the one who specifically, awkwardly, averts his eyes for the purpose of not seeing your bottom. This man is a saint. You have made him feel awkward through your choice of clothing and transportation. You have made the man who gazes upward feel like a voyeur; you have made him feel awkward, too.

Most men will not avert their eyes. Please understand that it is your right to ride an escalator in a miniskirt but it is NOT your right to feel violated if men scope out your butt. You are placing your butt in their eyes, and they are entitled to look. You are not entitled to expect them to look away.

Thank you.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: Re "tongue and cheek": I don't know the staffing level of the Sports section copy desk over Memorial Day weekend, but I would not be surprised if there were fewer people available than usual (and than in past years, since The Post's copy editing staff is growing leaner) to process all the stories that are published on tight deadline in the Sports section, as well as this story, which ran on Page A1.

Mistakes like these, which are almost typos (I'm sure that it wasn't ignorance, just carelessness), are inevitable when people are rushing. Expect to see more of them.

For instance, I have heard that The Empress of The Style Invitational mangled someone's name last week almost beyond recognition.

Gene Weingarten: Does anyone detect a degree of bitterness in this posting?

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For Liz: The WaPo.com ad servers seem to be running really s-l-o-w-l-y today, delaying the loading of page content.

washingtonpost.com: Apologies. Try turning off ads in your browser.

You didn't hear that from me.

Gene Weingarten: Nor me. I don't even know what it means.

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Misquotes from a History geek: Paul Revere didn't say "the British are coming", but probably something like "the Regulars are coming." Not a big misquote, but history geeks will remind you that most New Englanders considered themselves British, they wouldn't have made this distinction. Boy, this isn't funny.

Gene Weingarten: You're right, it is deadly dull, but as a history geek meself I found it entertaining.

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Baltimore, Md.: No, Gene, Communist is not better than Nazi. Communist governments in the 20th century killed at least 80 million people. Why do liberals ALWAYS repeat this canard. Communism is at least equal to, and perhaps worse, than Nazism.

Gene Weingarten: Being a Commie in the U.S. is not the same as being a neo_nazi in the U.S. Helen Keller was probably a commie like the parents of the red daiper babies. No?

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Santa Claus Nude: You say you got an amazing 207 Google hits for "Santa Claus nude" - I got 405,000!!! (I only glanced at the first few and they didn't seem to actually deal with a nude Santa Claus, though...)

washingtonpost.com: Zero-Based Journalism, (Post Magazine, May 27)

Gene Weingarten: Sigh. Will you people stop?

The column made this clear: Exact phrases. You gotta use quote marks. This is not googlewhacking, which is a far less creativ enterprise.

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Big Man on Camp, US: If memory serves, you were very close to finishing your college degree when you dropped out. Would you ever consider going back to school to get that degree? You would of course bring buckets of experience, if not wisdom, to any undergraduate class you enrolled in. You could complete an English course with one hand tied behind your back. It would be kind of funny -- you could write about it. Also, you would have an excuse, weekly, to be in the presence of nubile young women.

But perhaps it is a point of pride, at this point, that you don't have a college degree?

Gene Weingarten: I like not having a college degree, but the issue is moot. My credits from NYU -- all of them -- apparently disappeared sometime in the 1980s. There is some sort of statute of limitations!

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Your Integrity Is In Doubt: A few years ago you did one of you 800 calls. You called a razor company and complained that you used their women's razor and it really messed up your face. In a chat someone said the same thing happened to them and you said that you MADE THAT UP.

Don't make me research this. Admit it and weasel out of it.

Gene Weingarten: It's OBVIOUS I make up what I say to the customer service reps. I mean, I have said I weigh 600 pounds.

The only dishonesty would be if I made up the conversations, and never actually called them.

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Jews in the News: Gene,

Our records show one of your SI Loser List is Jewish. Another one is Jewish by injection.

I won't name names now. I'll tell you when you get here.

Signed,

The Lord God

Gene Weingarten: Oh, Jewish by injection doesn't count. My wife is Jewish by injection; Pthep is goyish by injection.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: Re Jewish names: Farther down the list are a Mr. Brown and a Mr. Smith (David, not Chuck). They are Jewish.

Gene Weingarten: David SMITH is Jewish? The one who writes great songs/poems? SMITH? A Jewish Smith?

Well, I once knew someone named David Harris Jr. who was Jewish.

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Roman Numer, AL: But what would crossword puzzle authors do without roman numerals? The whole industry would crash to a halt.

Gene Weingarten: It's true. Especially the Cryptic puzzles, which I hate.

Do you guys hate them, too? It's like they're written by mannered, effete smug Brits.

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Washington, D.C.: Seward did NOT say "Now he belongs to the ages." What Seward said was "Now he belongs to Theage's," which was a well-known 1860's D.C. funeral parlor.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahahaha.

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Alexandria, Va.: why does the tattoo guy have a bar code on his waistband? Is he part of some "ID the morons" campaign?

washingtonpost.com: I wondered that, too.

Gene Weingarten: Hm.

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Nononono, Va.: Cardboard applicators are evil.

Seriously, they're exactly as uncomfortable as you think it would be to stick a piece of cardboard up your hooha.

Gene Weingarten: So then why all the hoo-hah in the ad campaign.

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Alexandria, Va.: Right on on the gay slur analysis, Gene. My state, Virignia, has codified, in its Constitution, the provision that two ghay parents cannot both be the parents of a child, no matter what they put in writing. So Mary Cheney's partner cannot adopt their baby, nor does she have any legal standing whatsoever regarding that child. The whole country thinks bigotry against gay men and women is OK enough to pass laws preventing them from obtaining the legal benefits straights can under marriage. I heard a coach call his players (high shcool) "faggots" the other day because they lost. In this climate, the song is not funny because it is real, as you note.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I mean who seriously says bad things about nuns or any of those other groups? Obviously a joke.

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Art from Artist: I usually agree with you on separating the enjoyment of artistic output from the artist.

But then I think of Mel Gibson. I cannot look at the guy anymore without feeling disgust for him personally. And, I do still listen to Michael Jackson sometimes on the radio, but I wouldn't buy a new album he put out (for reasons other than that it would be terrible).

Thinking as I type, maybe I draw a line when my act of enjoyment will put money in the person's pocket and, therefore, give that person a message that their actions are condoned or accepted. I can't stomach the idea that Mel Gibson would look at his oepning box office numbers and think, "Ha! They still love me no matter what I do or say," or, even worse, "they agree with me!"

Any thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: I think that makes sense.

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New York, N.Y.: Please, let us not perpetuate historical innacuracies in this chat. The speaker was Stanton, not Seward! (Whatever the guy said.)

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Of course.

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Applicat, OR: Gene,

I'm surprised you didn't know that this is one of those products that can be classified as useless. It goes right on the shelf with douche. The applicator is designed on the assumption that a woman shouldn't touch herself when menstruating, or she might get dirty. Thus the "comfort" and "pliability" differences between cardboard and plastic are a sort of blind, which confuses women into picking one or the other. The real choice is applicator-less. Costs less, produces less trash, easily stored in pocket.

Gene Weingarten: Also, thank you.

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Metro Touch, IN: Regarding the woman who wrote in last week to ask if men were trying to cop a feel on the Metro by spreading their legs, I would like to emphatically reassure her that they are not.

When I'm on the Metro, my first rule is No Touching. That applies equally whether the train is filled with Victoria's Secret Models or contestants in the Tiny Tim Look-A-Like Contest.

That said, I'm 6'3" and 220 pounds -- the Metro isn't exactly sized well for folks like me. I try to take up the least amount of space possible, but there is only so close I can keep my legs together without causing severe pain and possibly harming my chances of having children (a situation that would definitely get me in trouble with my wife). So, sometimes it is difficult to live up to the No Touching rule, but it is only because of space constraints.

There may be attractive women on the Metro, but trust me, none of them are hot enough to commit a Class 6 felony over.

That said, can we address the ladies copping a feel by wildly swinging their arms as they walk. I've taken hits to the groin lately and I really don't appreciate it.

Gene Weingarten: I'm sorry, why would it be any harder for you to keep your knees together, or to cross your legs, than for any guy? If you are telling me large men have to spread their legs to sit, I'm telling you you're fulla crap.

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For The Clockmeister: I am certain you know the answer to this.

If I have a perfect clock that chimes hours, is the exact hour at the time of the first or last chime? That is, if it chimes one at the exact second it is one, will it be exactly twelve at the first or last bong?

This is important for reasons I can't divulge.

Gene Weingarten: In a perfect world, with a perfect mechanical clock, the hour is struck at the first gong.

There is no such thing as a perfect mechanical clock.

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Tampax: From their website:

Tampax Cardboard tampons now have 3-way leak protection which helps protect you better than before. The new tampons have a shorter, wider tampon shape, a new Built-in BackupTM skirt, and a new Anti-Slip GripTM for easy insertion and precise placement. Also, the new wrapper is strong, durable and flushable.

Yeesh!

Gene Weingarten: A tampon has a "skirt"?

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Commies v. Nazis: Just want to come to Gene's defense here: while communist governments certainly have a horrific track record, the difference is the ideal at the ideology's core. Nazis believe bad things. Individual communists (like H. Keller) are idealists, but communist governments have always been run by dangerous tyrants. This fact might lead to a reasonable questioning of the practicability of communism, but it does not make all the people who subscribe to communist ideals evil, unlike those who identify with nazism. Another knee-slapper of a post!

Gene Weingarten: That is what I was TRYING to say. You said it better.

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Redsoxnaysh, ON: A bitter PtheP notes that "I don't know the staffing level of the Sports section copy desk over Memorial Day weekend, but I would not be surprised if there were fewer people available than usual ...."

Yeah, on Monday the Sports section had a magnificent typo: it claimed that, as of Monday, the New York Yankees (payroll: $195M) and the Washington Nationals (payroll: $37M) both had 21 wins.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: A photo of Rocket Scientist and Inspired Doggerel Writer David Smith.

Gene Weingarten: Jewish!

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Re: Lorenzen: He is also referred to as the Pillbury Throw-boy. Not as good as Hefty lefty, but is probably a Top 20 nick-name, making Lorenzen some sort of nick-name muse.

Gene Weingarten: It's exciting, isn't it?

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Edit, OR: Hey Gene - Have you seen this spectacular piece of prose yet?

The last two lines are the best part.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. I am partial to the headline and the great inspiring quote from Dr. Sills.

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Winchester, Va.: Aptonym:

Director of the county animal shelter: Stephanie Barker.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Barker is a bad name for a woman, in general.

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Billings, Mont.: What??!! Apparently your opinions about high-brow poetry didn't raise too many hackles, but you are going to draw a firestorm of criticism for saying that "The Lorax" and "The Butter Battle Book" are Dr. Seuss's best works. Those preachy piles of allegorical crap? I think they are among his worst (although his VERY worst are even worse than those).

The ones I love, and the ones that show his brilliance, are the simple, slightly goofy ones with the easiest vocabulary. "Green Eggs and Ham," "The Cat in the Hat," "Fox in Socks," and (for some reason my personal favorite) "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish."

I'm sorry to have to tell you this because you are generally so wonderful, but this time it is simply a matter of uncontestable fact that you are wrong.

Gene Weingarten: I strongly disagree.

What is the purpose of reading books to kids, if not to both entertain them and develop critical thinking skills? My kids had learned the idea of a parable from both these books, when they were very young. And they are very cool stories.

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Charlottesville, Va.: Hi, Gen.

I love that the first comment of mine that you've posted in a while was the one where I used the word "hooha."

Gene Weingarten: My daughter uses that word too. I like it.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

Listen, irony means when something happens that is the opposite of what one might expect to happen in a certain circumstance. The majority of you who thought that the Sally Forth strip was ironic weren't getting it. We knew from the very first panel that Ted was going to do something lazy. The thing that made this strip excellent was its reduction to the laziest POSSIBLE thing. Very good, but hardly successful irony.

At least you COULD argue that it was lame irony -- as if we DIDN'T know Ted was gonna do nothing. The canary in the mine wasn't really using irony at all.

First off, all of these cartoons were superior. Not a loser in this group. The funniest is Brewster Rockit. Not coincidentally, it is also the most surprising. No way to see that punchline coming. (Ted Forth is second most surprising. Very hard to predict he is simply not going to move from that door, and we are going to have a time-cut.

Second funniest? Zits. Zits is really using irony, too. The very last thing you'd expect is that sort of self-awareness on the part of the parents.

The cleverest is Frazz, by a longshot. That's a double reverse, and it works. Zits is the second cleverest; it relies on your understanding that the parents' recognize their cultural illiteracy.

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Falls Church, Va.: I don't want to touch myself when putting in a tampon. Just like I don't want to touch myself when cleaning up after no. 1 or no. 2. Gross and gross.

Gene Weingarten: Don't talk like this, lady. You get men upset.

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Boston, Mass.: So, how 'bout them Yankees?

Gene Weingarten: It's pretty exciting, actually. The team has not been this bad since roughly 1988.

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Tampons: Because cardboard applicators are flushable but uncomfortable, I think Tampax is making the applicator better, more formed than before. (Think minature toilet paper roll, not very formed at all).

Flushability is key in my book.

I'll probably be testing them out by Thursday, so I can keep you all posted!

Gene Weingarten: Please. We will expect an update.

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Re: Copping a feel: I would like to know then when a guy really is copping a feel. I'm curious!

Gene Weingarten: We don't do it! Mostly.

I will admit that I have been AWARE of the smell of the hair of a woman in a crowded subway. But I have not BURIED MY HEAD IN HER HAIR to obtain that knowledge.

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Washington, D.C.: Can I say I just find this separating yourself by Jewishness to be incredibly prejudiced? You are not different. (and a Jew deciding Jews are funnier is not a measure of anything). This factionalization is really detrimental, and is only a small step from "we are God's chosen, so let's ghettoize the Palestinians". And I am Jewish by birth, but that means zip. The "Jewish culture" you refer to is really a NY-centric/Yiddish culture. I am from Ethiopia and my last name is Howard.

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

Well, yes, it is a Jewish-New York-Yiddish culture I am talking about. Um, also, this is not a really serious dialogue I am having, Mr. or Ms. Howard.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene, you are an idiot.

I'm 6-foot-1, and I absolutely agree that it is more difficult for guys of my size to fit our legs into Metro seats than it is for shorter people. The laws of geometry are such that if our legs are perpendicular to the back of the seat, they jut farther forward into the unyielding back of the next seat (or, worse, the all-too-yielding arm of person sitting in front of us). Crossing legs does not necessarily help, because it pushes one shin and knee even farther upward, forward and into the stratosphere or other people.

Having the thigh bone at an angle is what allows us to fit in the box given to us. It's the same reason we have to lie diagonally across the bed to fit.

Gene Weingarten: You're only six one! You are of normal height. I don't buy this. I'm five ten. The difference is not enormous.

Futhermore, I have seen this splay practiced most often at an end seat, with infinite legroom, or on center-facing seats.

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Washington, D.C.: The tampon thread has to be one the greatest threads of this chat -- ever. For one it's educating for the guys. For the women (like me) it's the kind of thing we chat about with our very closest friends, but can't say out loud. I love the internet.

washingtonpost.com: hahahaha... you said "threads."

Gene Weingarten: Isn't it a "string," not a "thread"?

Speaking of which, regarding the previous yucky-touch-myself lady, don't you have to touch yourself to withdraw the item in question?

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Cardboard: May or may not be more pliable, but I stuck to it after discovering that the shores of Boston's Harbor Islands were littered with the plastic ones (the harbor was basically a sewer back then). At least they are bio degradable.

Gene Weingarten: You said "stuck to it."

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Washington, D.C.: What kind of tampons do the Yankees use, anyway?

Gene Weingarten: I find this question offensive to women.

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Tampax: I have already tried the new product. I don't see/feel/notice a difference in the applicator. I hate the new shape of the 'pon. It's too short and too wide. Feels yucky when it is taken out.

Gene Weingarten: This is all making me laugh. I hope it is serving a consumer-friendly purpose, too.

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Boston, Mss.: Hey Gene,

I just wanted to offer another perspective on pervy-guy encounters. Obviously, most of them women who post on this chat are total hotties. Not me, however. I am ugly and geeky and socially awkward and would no doubt look complete out-of-class in a Weingarten Chatters class photo.

If a guy accidentally brushed against me on a subway, it wouldn't even occur to me that he was trying to cop a feel. If a guy somehow sees down my shirt, then, poor guy -- I need to adjust it. A date wants to pick me up at my house? Score!

Now then. Perhaps I represent an extreme example, but I think most of you pretty girls are overreacting a little bit. Really. Don't worry so much.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I think you're beautiful.

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Jewish hum, OR: That Ethiopian person put me in mind of the Simpsons episode where Lisa explained that there were a lot of Jewish people in entertainment: Kirk Douglas, Michael Landon, Mel Brooks...

And Homer replies, Mel Brooks is Jewish?!

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

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Separating yourself: Loved Mr. or Ms. Howard's comment.

For the record, I don't find it offensive that you are separating YOURSELF by Jewishness. What I'm finding offensive is you (and/or the Empress) separating OTHERS by your (her) perception of their Jewishness or non-Jewishness.

Yes, all in fun, but really, what's the point? Jews look a certain way? Jews have certain names? People with certain names are Jewish?

Gene Weingarten: Nonono. The Empress knows these people. They correspond all the time. She knows who is Jewish simply by matter of course, over the years. This is not guesswork or assumptions, and it is not of any importance to anyone concerned.

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DuPont Circle, Washington, D.C.: Re removing the tampon. You don't have to touch it; you just sort of flex a bit and it plops out on its own.

washingtonpost.com: Do what?

Gene Weingarten: Oooh, this is getting better and better. An argument! Flex or no flex? Plop or no?

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Applicat, OR, again: I bet the lady who won't touch herself uses a big wad of toilet paper to pull the string out. She probably also believes in the miracle freshness of douche.

See the light, ma'am. You don't have to buy these goofy products.

Gene Weingarten: Anger!

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Leg splay: Men have a higher center of gravity than women; for women the center is in the pelvis, while men find their center around the 18th vertebra. When men sit in a chair they naturally seek to stabilize themselves by lowering their center of gravity. This action pushes the pelvis and legs forward, resulting in the splay.

Unless you have self-control, in which case only louts splay their legs.

Gene Weingarten: Splay is rude. Period. I have no sympathy for splayers.

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Re: Allison Stokes: Wow, that is amazingly depressing. It sure seems like no matter what a female does, it all boils down to her being a target for a penis.

Gene Weingarten: It's always been that way.

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Tamp, O.N.: "The real choice is applicator-less. Costs less, produces less trash, easily stored in pocket..."

And totally intimidates 13 year old girls who get handed one by their counselor on the day of the big waterpark trip. Took years to persuade me to try using one again.

Gene Weingarten: The Day of The Big Waterpark Trip? Is this some sort of girl euphemism?

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Oh, MY: I have nothing to contribute. Just writing to let you know that I am laughing my butt off. I keep reading the tampon posts and thinking of all the male readers crying "ewh!" and trying to turn away from the screen, but being forced to continue reading in order catch the non-tampon posts.

Gene Weingarten: If I have anything to say about it, there will BE no non-tampon posts, gosh darn it.

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hotda, MN: I have always heard tampon applicators, when washed ashore referred to as "New Jersey Beach Whistles" (which would be a good name for a rock band)

Gene Weingarten: I like that. And bales of marijuana jettisoned from ships being persued by the DEA are "Florida carp."

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: Right, obviously it doesn't matter at all whether the entrants are Jewish -- and there is absolutely no way you could tell from the humor published in The Style Invitational (my hunch is that the person with the most Jewish-themed jokes published has been one Christopher Doyle).

On the other hand, there are a LOT of left-handed Losers with big ink. This is clearly very relevant.

Gene Weingarten: The Empress, to my knowledge, is a lefty. There may be some prejudice there.

Okay, we're done. Thanks everyone. Updating as usual through the week.

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UPDATED 5.30.07

Gene Weingarten: Yesterday I mentioned that the reluctant photogenesis-fame of pole vaulter Allison Stokke had a precedent in an Olympic high jumper in the 1950s. My friend Horace LaBadie found it.

Here is Ms. Gunhild Larking, of Sweden, looking sumptuously pouty after finishing fourth in her event. The photo was made by George Silk, a famous Life fotog. Ms. Larking got a LOT more attention than the high jump winners.

And HERE is the photo that started it all for high schooler Allison Stokke. I can see why it happened, can't you? The pole is a very good prop.

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Gene Weingarten: Meanwhile, elsewhere in hot female news, we have this spectacular video from Mythbusters, sent in by Kevin Cuddihy. Warning, guys, you may find this hard to take. This is an illusion-destroyer.

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Impertine, NT?: So, Gene, I too was amused by the tampon-heavy chat today, but also surprised by your ignorance about basic tampon schematics and procedures (e.g. that the string allows one, most of the time, not to get messy when removing the 'pon; or that the applicator, not the tampon, is made of cardboard [sheesh!]).

Forgive me if this is too personal, but given your excellent relations with the Rib, how is it that you don't already know Tampon 101? It's not that I expect you necessarily to have observed these things first hand; rather, I'm surprised, given your obvious large-scale curiosity about and pleasure in the sociology of female embodiment, you haven't had these conversations with your wife. I mean, understanding tampons is not exactly a shocking discovery on the order of developing the first working knowledge of female poop shame, a phenomenon we hardly knew that we knew.

Does the Chat actually help preserve those excellent spousal relations by allowing you to go elsewhere for this material? Or is it that you never realized what you don't know 'til we tell you? (I'm always -amazed- by the basic things men don't know about these subjects. It seems we have to look far afield -- e.g. to the finer points of lame reasons for leg-splaying -- to identify analogous male Mysteries.) What exactly are we learning about you, here?

Gene Weingarten: I am not ignorant, except about minutiae. For example, I was unaware that the string remains dangly outside the body and easily and immediately snaggable. This subject apparently never came up conjugally.

I SAID the cardboard must have been the applicator.

So, yeah. Me and the Rib have good communication about menstrual matters.

It's SEX that I have to learn about from the women of this chat.

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New York, N.Y.: Note the sign the woman in the photo is holding. Then note the story, specifically, the exam the students flunked. Very nice.

Gene Weingarten: This is GREAT.

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Slanted Presentations of History: Here is a fairly recent falsehood presented as fact in history books: George W. Bush won the 2000 presidential election.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, you mean this funny. But it gives me a soap box.

I am tired of this bleat. George won in 2000. He won because it was a tie, and the system functioned, and a winner was declared, and no one seized the Army, and a great republic moved on as it was supposed to by rule of law.

No joke here. I am just weary of those who won't let this go. George won, allowing him to perpetrate the worst presidency in history. But he won, fair and square.

If the court decision had gone the other way, GOPers would be whining about the legitimacy of Gore's election.

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Yawkey Way, Boston, Mass.: Gene,

I am curious about how you -- a virtually infallible person whose fault of Yankee fandom can be splained away as an accident of birth -- are reacting to their performance this year?

Are you rabidly cursing Cashman and Torre, demanding heads on a platter, and praying for the fourth (fifth?) coming of Roger Clemens because every day the Yankees don't lead the AL East is a day that Something Is Wrong With The World?

Or are you more easygoing about it, thinking well, my team's had some phenomenal successes in its history, including a handful of title in the late 90s, so this season is just the normal ebb and flow of sports fandom?

BTW, Bill Simmons put it best: This never would have happened if Steinbrenner were still alive.

Gene Weingarten: In 1999, when the Yanks won a second straight championship and were clearly headed for a third, I told Molly (18 at the time and a pretty new fan) to savor it while it lasted, because it would end. I meant it. I grew up with an invincible team, and was not ready for The Bad Years.

So, yeah. I think our run is over. This is a hole too deep from out to crawl.

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UPDATED 5.31.07

Boston, Mass.: Are guys really supposed to be horrified and revolted by the mere mention of tampons? I guess I missed that part of the indoctrination. Maybe it comes from having older sisters growing up or something. However, I'm puzzled and intrigued by the earlier "flex and plop" comment. Because if I could do something like that, I just know that in no time, I'd be shooting for distance and arc, and eventually, that would lead to a situation somewhat akin to you, the Rib and chucking the sod into the wheelbarrow.

As for the other popular men-and-tampons trope: I would like to say, on behalf of all men, that we are not in fact too embarrassed or ashamed to buy your tampons for you if you ask. But here's the thing: you need to tell us EXACTLY which ones you want. In fact, ideally, if you could just give us the empty box so we can take it into CVS and match it, that would be great.

Gene Weingarten: This is so right, top to bottom. And, yeah, I've never understood male tampon shame. If anything, a guy buying a tampon is a guy who is advertising that he is intimate with a woman. Unless the guy is, like, 17, and it is presumed he is buying them for his mom, at which point he pretty much has to kill himself right there in the store.

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RE: Artists: Where does Kramer (Michael Richards) fall into all of this after his outburst at the comedy club?

Gene Weingarten: He is dead to me.

However, this is begging the question, because I never had much respect for his shtick.

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Emerald City, USA: Gene, re: separating the artist from the art, I was appalled to discover the following while researching the massacre at Wounded Knee:

In an editorial in response to the event, a young newspaper editor, L. Frank Baum (later known as the author of "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz"), wrote in the Aberdeen Saturday Pioneer on January 3, 1891:

"The Pioneer has before declared that our only safety depends upon the total extermination of the Indians. Having wronged them for centuries, we had better, in order to protect our civilization, follow it up by one more wrong and wipe these untamed and untamable creatures from the face of the earth. In this lies future safety for our settlers and the soldiers who are under incompetent commands. Otherwise, we may expect future years to be as full of trouble with the redskins as those have been in the past."

Was he advocating genocide, or being ironic?

Gene Weingarten: What do you think?

Me, I think he makes himself clear in that "Having wronged them" line. If you are going to make a genocidal argument, you are not going to proceed from a position of vulnerability.

Interesting, though.

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Washington, D.C.: Speaking of Dr. Suess, you really should check out "You're Only Old Once." I've been trying to find it in bookstores, but can't. The next time I place an Amazon order, I'm going to pick it up. He wrote it for his 80th (?) birthday. From what I understand, it's basically a story about going to the doctor and finding out all the things that are wrong with him. Sounds like it is perfect for you.

Gene Weingarten: I have the book. It's really good. It clearly was written with some bitterness toward the medical establishment.

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You just sort of flex a bit and it plops out on its own: OMG! I hope she doesn't sneeze!

Gene Weingarten: Many, many, many women have written in to express bemusement with what this chatter wrote -- wondering if this woman is a contortionist, or someone who is unusually unelastic.

Now, I took her to mean that the STRING plops out, but on second reading, as a writer, I am thinking "plop" does not seem to be the right verb to describe the exiting action of a string. Whereas it is perfect for the exiting action of an engorged wad of cotton. So I dunno. Would the initial poster dare to elaborate?

washingtonpost.com: Thanks for "engorged." I threw up a little watermelon in my mouth.

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Leg Splay: I am a 6-foot woman. I do not splay my legs when I sit and take up someone else's space. I can't believe someone one inch taller than I is forced to sit differently.

Gene Weingarten: Nor do I believe that if you had testicles you would feel differently.

I believe the guys who are writing in in indignation are speaking honestly, but I also thing they are not trying hard enough. You sit up straight, there is enough room.

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History Errors: Gene,

I don't know if this is true, but maybe some of the geeks out there do, so I'll throw it out. I was told by a professor in a college history class that Patrick Henry did not say "Give me liberty or give me death" but in fact made some reference to loyalty to the crown. Was he just trying to see if we were paying attention?

Gene Weingarten: This was allegedly the end of his speech to the Virginia House of Burgesses in 1775:

...Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

This is not so clearly wrong as the Nathan Hale quote, but it is somewhat doubtful he said it. The first time it appears in print is a decade after his death! It does appear he made a dramatic speech, but the beauty of the words is probably a journalist's invention.

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UPDATED 6.1.07

Tampons: Plastic, cardboard or without applicator -- whatever. Let's get real, ladies. A few months ago I bought a no-waste silicone cup for catching period blood. Every 12 hours or so I empty it, clean it out and put it back in. Some people think it's cool, others thing it's "gross" (if you think about it, a cotton thing inside your body absorbing blood isn't just as gross?!).

I'll tell you what's gross: the fact that I have spent roughly $600 in sanitary supplies since my first period in 1994. Talk about GROSS.

Gene Weingarten: Ten women wrote in to extol this product. I have nothing to say on the matter, not currently having a vagina, but would welcome further testimonials or dissent.

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googlela, ME: Why oh why do you keep insisting that googlewhacking is less creative than your invention? I say it's much, much easier to come up with some absurdity that no one has yet archived than to come up with the one perfect absurdity that garners one, and only one, hit.

An experiment -- the first thing I tried (Josef Stalin is my grandmother) instantly yielded me a so-called googlenope. But it took a good 75 tries to find a viable googlewhack in 'sibilant pyrocanthus'. The advent of so many wordlist and dictionary sites has made googlewhacking even more of a challenge than it used to be (for example, an earlier try of the delightful 'priapic slivovitz' would have been a perfect googlewhack were it not for the wordlists -- it yielded only one contextual result). Try it yourself!

Gene Weingarten: You have just eloquently proven my point.

Yes, Googlewhacking is harder, but Googlenoping is more creative because it is open-ended and is, um, funny.

Which is funnier: Sybilant pyrocanthus, or Josef Stalin is my grandmother?

Gene Weingarten: I have just come up with a brilliant observation, which I will now share.

Ahem:

Weingarten's Law: People who find googlewhacking to be more rewarding than googlenoping are the same people who find SuDoKu more rewarding than crossword puzzles.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

When one is done with a crossword puzzle, one has met a challenge of vocabulary and wordplay and, often, cryptography. When one is done with a SuDoKu, one is left with a grid of numbers.

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Symbolism: I tend to agree with your stance on a lot of issues, such as marriage, so I tend to ignore it when you get a little dismissive of other ideas. This time, though, while I still agree with you, I feel the need to object.

I agree that a corpse is not that individual who once -- what would be the right terminology, "inhabited"? -- it. You seem to use that as a basis for dismissing the importance of the treatment of that corpse. I mean, again, I also want as many of my useful parts given to as many people as possible after I die, and I don't hold much stock in memorial services or funerals given that I'm more or less atheist and everything else. That being said, the treatment of a corpse is a symbol of feelings toward that person. It's like, perhaps, a person's favorite piece of artwork or collection of, say, clocks: they are in themselves meaningless, but after that someone who loved them dies, they're sort of given more reverence, just out of respect. Well, similarly, funerals, memorial services -- they're ceremonies of respect, that's all. Treating a corpse well is just a symbol that that person lived a life that others appreciated. That corpse is not the person, of course, but considering that that person undoubtedly used and appreciated his body throughout his life, treating it with some respect isn't unreasonable. Similarly, you say that you don't care what happens to your body after you die. Well, that's well and good. Maybe the idea of someone setting your corpse aflame because he hated you doesn't bother you personally, but you can't say it doesn't mean anything because that corpse isn't actually you. It still does mean something; that act of vandalization is a symbol regarding your identity. There are other ways someone could respect or trash your memory without your corpse being involved, sure, but that doesn't mean that treating your corpse a certain is a pointless endeavor.

Anyway, the way you so casually dismiss people's feelings about what happens to their bodies, empty as those bodies may be, after death strikes me as rather obtuse. Maybe to that one person who recounted that she wouldn't allow her father's eyes to be transplanted into another person, those eyes, be they her father's or just ones her father used when he was alive, were symbols of who her father was. You can't really just invalidate that. You might argue that in this case, you can, because those eyes would've been genuinely useful for someone else; well, fine. That argument doesn't hold water when it comes to other symbolic gestures, though, like funerals.

The way we treat corpses symbolizes how we felt toward the person who inhabited them, at least for some people. That's all. So get over yourself on this. You can be right at the same time as other people are right.

Gene Weingarten: This was hearfelt, and I thank you. But I'd be more concerned that my kids keep my antique clocks, the ones that I have lovingly fixed over the years, than that they cherish one cell of my deceased body.

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Bethesda, Md.: Do you think Monica Goodling would have gotten so large a picture on the front of the Post and on Page 2 if should looked like Linda Tripp? Even in the Post, sex sells.

Gene Weingarten: Forget Goodling... what about the play that Valerie Plame got?

Monica Goodling does not look hot to me. Ms. Flame, I mean Plame, is on fire.

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Pubic hair: I think there's a whole generation now that doesn't know women have (or used to have) pubic hair.

Gene Weingarten: Don't. Get. Me. Started.

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Organ Donation: An old man died recently, a pillar of the community, one who gave generously of his wealth and time while he was alive. he had a liver transplant seven years ago, taken from a young woman in a car crash. each year he celebrated that day as his new birthday and was in touch with the family of the young woman to thank them for their gift. he was the only one, out of a number of recipients, who got in touch with them and they grew close. he also made a significant donation each anniversary to the hospital and organ donation team that saved him. the parents of the young girl came to the funeral, and in the moments after the ceremony ended, they approached the man's wife of over fifty years. as they embraced she looked over their shoulders and saw the surgical team that had transplanted the liver. they too had travelled miles to come to the funeral. the look of delight and joy on the widow's face as she introduced the donor's parents and the surgeons was profound. they had never met. you could tell just by watching that the ability to meet each other healed several people that day. it was one of the greatest moments I've ever seen and would ask everyone to consider it when in a difficult and grieving situation.

Gene Weingarten: This is beautiful. I hope it is true.

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Submit to next week's discussion.

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