Chatological Humor (Updated 6-08-07)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

Daily Updates: 6.06.07 6.07.07 6.08.07

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Please vote in This week's poll.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I stand before you today a wiser man, but a far more melancholy man. As so often is the case, this bad result arose from the best of intentions; indeed, it arose from my determination to practice my craft to the fullest, to seek not just the Truth, but the Whole Truth.

You may recall that last week there arose a discussion of "The Splay," namely that physical attitude adopted by some man in public conveyances, resulting in the discomfiture of others. I expressed the opinion that this was rude, unfailingly rude, and always unnecessary.

Quickly there arose a clamor of indignant complaint from men -- large men, mostly -- who claimed that their size compelled them to splay.

Last week, I decided to empirically investigate their claims. Armed with a tape measure, I boarded a Metro train, sat in one of those face-forward seats, and measured the distance between my knees and the back of the seat in front: one and three quarter inches.

Having consulted two medical books, I had determined that the distance from the base of one's spine to the end of one's kneecap, for the average male, accounts for 31.5 percent of that male's total height.

Bear with me here. I am 5 foot 10 inches tall. That means for my knees to bump up against the seat in front of me, I would have had to be roughly 6 inches taller than I am, or...6 foot 4.

None of the indignant posters had claimed that extreme height.
But then I realized something else. I realized that I was seated the way I always sit, in a kind of schlump. I straightened myself up, sitting the way most women around me were sitting, with vertical spine. And there were now two and three quarters inches of room for my knees, meaning that, if he simply bothered to sit with good posture, a man of six foot seven could fit in those seats without Splay.

But, being a scientist, and a journalist, I knew my work was incomplete. Some of the men who wrote in indignantly were alleging, obliquely, that their problem in avoiding a splay was not their height so much as their, um, size. And so, to examine this possible explanation, I contacted one of the finest urologists in the Washington area, Dr. Michael J. Stanton, of Bethesda. I asked Dr. Stanton if, in his professional opinion, within normal ranges of the size of male genitalia, even at the extremes of normal, a condition unfortunately unknown to me, a man might be compelled to "splay" while seated, in order to remain comfortable.

"I have never heard of such a thing," the doctor said. "There is nothing to prevent a man from keeping his legs together in a seated position. Under all circumstances. The Good Lord designed us with adequate flexibility in that regard."

So, I had what I needed. I should have thanked Dr. Stanton for his time and gotten off the phone. The prudent person would have done that. But I didn't. God help me for what happened next.

I realized that urologists' practices are not limited to men. They treat plenty of women. And so here was an opportunity to put to rest, once and for all, an awful, persistent rumor that has been raised many times in this chat. I asked Dr. Stanton to please tell me it is not true that young women -- women under 30 -- are routinely shaving off all their pubic hair.

"Oh yes," he said. "Sculpting, too. But mostly shaving."

A long, tragic silence ensued. Dr. Stanton could sense my agony.

Gently, he said: "It's the millennium, Gene."

So. I hung up, deflated. And I wish I could tell you -- I wish the protocols of journalism allowed me to tell you -- that that was all. But we are in the business of disclosure here -- full disclosure, whatever the pain.

And so I must report that a few minutes later, Dr. Stanton called back. He said, "You know, there's something that occurs to me that you might want to know."

I should have hung up. I swear, I should have hung up. But did I hang up? I did not.

"You should know," he said, "that the practice is not limited to the ladies."

Auuuuuughhhhh.

"In the 25 to 30 year old range, I would say a majority of men -- a slim majority -- are shaving."

"They're shaving ....it all?"

"Everything."

-----
So that is what I have to tell you. I am so sorry to report this. I am crushed, within.

Please take today's poll. It's one of my favorites, it's not really about what you seem to think it is about, and I am going to be deconstructing it early, because I suspect it will spark spirited debate.

We are going to have a freewheeling discussion today, ranging into some of the disgusting areas for which this chat has become internationally famous; I know it from the preliminary questions.

A weak comic week. The Comic Pick of the Week is Friday's Zits, for a good sight gag. Honorables: Friday's Speed Bump, today's Speed Bump, and today's Big Nate.

Okay, let's go.

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Gene Weingarten: By the way, Chatwoman is on vacation this week. We are being produced by Mr. Paul Williams. Welcome Paul.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You are thinking, whoa, a guy! Maybe we can get away with some vulgarity of the sort Lizzie would never tolerate!

Don't think like that. Paul is a professional. Of course, it couldn't hurt to try.

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Rolling on the floor...: Gene, I'm the person who submitted "flex and plop." I'm a guy. I have never used a tampon, but found the notion of extracting them in such a manner so funny that I figured I'd send it in, if only so Chatwoman would roll her eyes dismissively before hitting "delete."

Sorry for pranking the chat, but I'm laughing here...

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaha.
Hahahahaha kaff kaff kaff spit.
(By way of summary, during a fascinating discussion of tampon usage last week, one ostensibly female poster opined that the best way to remove one was to flex a little, and it just plops out. This resulted in a barrage of stunned posts from women who:
1. Flatly disbelieved this; or,
2. Discreetly wondered what degree of, ah, ah, um, remarkable elasticity this individual had, and what sort of lifestyle might produce such a thing.
Hahahahahahaha.
Okay, then.
Maybe we can hear from some women if we have a prostate discussion.

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"sophisticated": I thought this was a strange question, since sophistication is a relative value. If you define sophistication in terms of knowledge of a certain set of subjects -- modern art, couture fashion, Emily Post's guide to entertaining -- then the question seems unfair. These are values promoted more in certain communities (i.e. urban) than others. It is like asking "which city best embodies French culture, Paris or Dallas?" If, however, one defines sophistication as a general awareness of politics, culture, social graces, then the question is do you value the examples of these practices in both communities equally? Is a country-mouse with a detailed understanding of county and state politics as sophisticated as her city-mouse cousin who has a general idea of national policies? If you understand sophistication to be a more relative term, then you are asking "in which community are more members well versed in local values and customs?" I think you would have to rely on a census for that. If you disagree Gene, and think that your question was straightforward and does not require an essay in response, I would love for you to correct my perception.

Gene Weingarten: Let's go with the dic, shall we?
"Worldly knowledge or refinement. Lacking natural simplicity or naivete. Polished, cultivated."
I would say this is someone who is comfortable in refined company; aware of the ways of the world.
Ms. Eliza Doolitte was not sophisticated, before. After, she was. She had the same intelligence. She had learned sophistication.

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Landover, Md.: Is there a subject that affects women the same way discussing tampons affects men?

Gene Weingarten: I doubt it, because women are adults.

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Poll-itical issues: Gene, you need a third category for the answers to the poll questions: "I don't know." That's not a cop-out. For some of the questions I have no idea. I don't know how happy fat people are relative to average-sized people. No clue. I don't know what percentage of homeless people are mentally disturbed. It would be presumptuous of me to answer "yes" or "no" to that question.

However, anyone who thinks black people, as a group, are not better dancers than white people has NOT been paying attention. People, please, open your eyes. I don't pretend to know if this is due to cultural differences, childhood experiences, or what, but there is definitely a difference. Watch those pitiful white politicians make their obligatory visit to a black church and try to clap in time to the beat.

There are certainly excellent dancers of all hues, and I'm sure you can find some blacks with no sense of rhythm...somewhere...but taken as a group, the percentage of good dancers among blacks is higher. If that makes me a racist, sue me.

(If it matters, I'm white.)

Gene Weingarten: I wanted to force an answer. Otherwise, a lot of weenies like you would have opted for the weasel answer.

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Tamp, ON: Any woman who's practiced her kegel exercises will tell you that the whole thing plops out when you flex. My only hope is that all this practicing that I've been doing over the years will benefit me if I ever birth a child, not a pon.

Gene Weingarten: WHAT???????
Is this another guy, having fun?
Is there any other woman who actually contends she can eject a used tampon with no hands?

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Washington: Have you ever written anything you really regretted? Have you ever had any close calls in that regard?

Gene Weingarten: I'm 55 years old and have been writing for publication since my 21st birthday. I have written a lot of (s-word) and some of it has actually been (s-word.) I really don't want to ever be presented with my own clips for the Albany Knickerbocker News between 1972 and 1976.
There are a handful of columns I've writ in the last seven years that I'd like to forget, simply because they were lame or painfully stretched for humor. The most recent was a column that took the form of a questionnaire to be filled out by ardent Bush supporters; the tone came out a little wrong, and I was fairly accused of elitism at the expense of humor. I'd like to have that one back.
But there's a difference between having written something that might embarrass me and having written something I "really regretted." That's pretty heavy language.
So, no. I've had two close calls, though, that I remember.
In 1991 or early 1992, shortly after the first Gulf War, I was editing the Sunday Style section. President Bush I was riding an incredible crest of public support. Joel Achenbach suggested that he do an interesting stunt story on page one of my section. There would be twin stories, both by Joel. They would both be under the headline "What If...?" The first story would be basic speculation about what would happen in Washington if the Democrats won the presidential election in 1992: ie, how the balance of power would change, what lobbyists would become more influential, etc. Straightforward story. The second story, also presented straightforwardly, would be a story speculating what would happen if alien spacecraft landed on the National Mall.
Haha. I LOVED that idea. Was gonna do it. Wiser heads prevailed. That story would have lived forever in the "Dewey Defeats Truman" realm.
I believe I have mentioned that before. This I haven't mentioned:
Several months ago, Tony Snow emailed me to ask if I'd like to come to the White House, informally, for a chat with him. I went, suspecting some ulterior motive or hidden agenda, because I am not exactly a reliable friend of this administration. But it turned out to be just a friendly conversation. Tony was extremely gracious. There was no effort to spin me or co-opt me. He was just doing his job, meeting another journalist, and whatnot. Nice guy, interesting conversation in the West Wing.
I was going to write a column about it. The column was not going to overtly critical of Tony -- there was nothing to be critical about -- but it was going to poke fun at what I consider the crappiest job in America, defending this particular presidential administration. It would have been a little snide, making fun of our both dancing diplomatically around the huge, stinking elephant in the room.
I just couldn't make the column funny enough, so abandoned it. Had I written it -- with the three-week delay -- it would have been published, by coincidence, a day or two after Tony grimly announced his cancer had returned.
That would have been very bad.
I'm delighted to see him back, and looking good.

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nagging curiosity: An odd thing happened to me not too long ago and I was hoping you could help me solve. My co-worker walked into my office to discuss a project just when I dropped my notes behind my desk. I leaned over my desk to try and retrieve my paper but it took a while and my posterior was facing him as I struggled to pick it up. Finally succeeding, I sat back on my office chair and noticed my co-worker had a slightly alarmed look on his face. I also noticed while we started talking that he had his left leg crossed over his right one in a very uncomfortable fashion. A couple of questions: Was he trying not to show that he had something happening (sorry, trying not to be blunt here) in his pants? And if he was, does that mean he is sexually attracted to me or was this a normal reaction for any full-blooded heterosexual male? By the way, I'm a woman and I was wearing a pants suit at the time.

Gene Weingarten: It's possible.
Speaking from experience here, guys don't usually have uncontrollable reactions like that, especially in the workplace, where you sort of deaden yourself a little bit. But you have added an element of surprise. Surprise can be really effective.
I was going to say no, flatly, but I just remembered a recent circumstance were surprised was a factor, and I was, er, surprised.

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Cultural Illiteracy: Cute column.

Sounds an awful lot like the dispatches Post reporters file every four years when they have to cover the primaries out in the non-coastal U.S.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.
I hear ya.

washingtonpost.com: Hack for Hire: Journalist strikes blow for multicultural literacy (Post, June 3)

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Washington, D.C.: Could you pass on question for the Style Invitation Mistress? When two people are listed under the same entry, does that mean they sent in the same, exact entry? Or are they close enough that they both get credit?

Gene Weingarten: Mistress? Wow. I, I ... why, I never thought of her that way. But it's rather intriguing.
Mistress Empress, can you answer this person?

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Pittsburgh: Thought you might be interested to learn that your article about the Joshua Bell experiment is resonating world-wide.

An article about it just appeared in Sunday's edition of the newspaper "Diario Insular" in Angra do Heroismo, on Terceira in Portugal's Azores islands (see top of article and cover photo; the rest of the text is accessible only to subscribers). The cover features a young woman playing the cello at the edge of Angra's (outdoor) central plaza, and passersby going their way without appearing to pay heed. After briefly describing the Joshua Bell event in the DC Metro, the reporter asked seven of Angra's leading cultural figures whether they considered it the perfect experiment or a trick played on the arts. Since the reporter was doubtless seeking differing views, opinion in the article was naturally varied. I've quickly translated into English below two of the most opposing views:

The Azores' most acclaimed author, Alamo Oliveira (who has visited North America many times), felt the Post's experiment was too radical. "I find it hard to believe that in a city [like D.C.] where art is appreciated" that the circumstances of the experiment did not decisively affect the outcome. "Simply, people don't have time to stop. A subway station is always dark and gloomy, people want to get out of there." The reporter asked if he thinks art needs a proper context. "Yes, but not necessarily in a museum, nor does it have to be identified as such. If the experiment were conducted in a bar, the result would certainly be different. In Montreal there's a street replete with bars. The majority in cellars. We need to walk down 1 or 2 steps and inside we can order drinks and hear on the same night a violinist, a pianist or a jazz combo, who play in bars. People stop to listen to those who are really good."

On the other hand, former director of the Museum of Angra Francisco Maduro Dias was one for whom this experiment touched on the most profound evils of modern societies, in which people are being trained to be inured to such things. "At all levels, including the emotional, they are trained not to react... We are conditioned to work. We only recognize art if it is placed in front of us in a context by an intermediary. If this doesn't happen, you can stick a Rembrandt in front of us and the reply will be 'Get that thing out of my face!' "... Maduro Dias spoke of the lack of time to contemplate beauty. "We still haven't reached that point. We are being trained for work. It has to do with increasing the efficiency of services, with measures that suck the humanity out of workplaces. We're speaking of the society we encounter when we turn 21. Thus, the Washington Post's test was perfect..."

Gene Weingarten: Interesting. Thanks!

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DC, Maryland: Is Producer Paul hot? (in your objective opinion, of course)

washingtonpost.com: No

Gene Weingarten: I have not met him, but when guys say no, it usually means yes, except if the guy is me.

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Raising both hands: (because they're free, see):

"Is there any other woman who actually contends she can eject a used tampon with no hands?"

Yep.

Gene Weingarten: Wow!
I ... don't know what to say.

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hair down there: Gene,

Did the good doctor have any notion as to why shaving has become the norm for that group? Any chatters care to explain? I myself recently learned from some mid-20s male acquaintances that they shave there. I'm in my mid-30s and I just don't get it. If we don't hear from anyone, I will take it upon myself to inquire further, for the good of the chat.

Gene Weingarten: The doctor didn't know. I am told there are two reasons. One is sensory. The other, apparently, is that guys think they look longer if there is no fuzz that they disappear into.
Mostly, I don't wanna know.

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Petaluma, Calif.: Is there any reason whatsoever to continue to run "Classic" Peanuts?

Gene Weingarten: No GOOD reason.
I am personally embarrassed for my newspaper about this.

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Paul-Harrisburg, Pa.: For the longest time, I was the only person submitting questions to discussions from Harrisburg, Pa. Then, one day, I saw another "Harrisburg, Pa." What amazed me was how close in views we were. It was almost as if I could have been the person submitting the questions, but they weren't mine. I began wondering, are these other "Harrisburg, Pa." questions from several like-minded individuals or from one, or perhaps from a "poser" who only wishes he or she lived in Harrisburg. Anyway, on Monday, I saw a question from "Karen-Harrisburg, Pa." Maybe Karen likewise was surprised to see another Harrisburg here, which is me.

Is there anyway Karen could contact you, if she chooses, so we may e-mail each other and possibly meet? I know these blind introductions are often people's worse nightmares, as when you finally meet the person you discover they are fat, old, and ugly. So, let me reassure Karen before she agrees to respond, I am fat, old, and ugly. Still, if Karen wishes to connect with her discussion soul mate, is there anyway you may please arrange this, Gene?

P.S. I am single, if that matters. Of course I am. I am fat, old and ugly.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I'm going to put this out there, because I am a softie. Karen, if Paul's self-effacing self-description intrigues you, email me at weingarten(at)washpost.com. And Paul, email me, too.
This does remind me, however, that I wanted to call attention to Sunday's Date Lab. Did you guys read it?
I don't believe I've ever seen a more devastating personal evisceration. It was cruel, and fascinating. Paul, can we link to this?

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Washington, D.C.: I was reading the most recent transcript, and a comment someone made about the Allison Stokke story reminded me of something I've been meaning to ask you. I'd ask Hax, but I need a male answer on this. Over the years, I've become more and more disillusioned with men. This is mostly because in my dating experience I've been treated as a penis receptacle (PR). I'm not a stunningly pretty girl, and I'm not a troll. I'm told that I'm pretty, but almost exclusively by women (whatever that means). I've never had a boyfriend, some of that is by choice, but most of my dating experience is pretty much the same thing: I like boy, I think boy likes me (sometimes I've even been told as much), boy informs me that I am not his girlfriend and never was, just a convenient PR. I cry, The End. When you do that 3-4 times, dating doesn't seem that appealing. However, as I get closer to 30, I wonder if I should get back out there, and look for someone to spend my life with. But even when I see my friends, men and women, with their significant others I think they (the men) are only with their girlfriends only because they are afraid they won't get a better PR, and if they thought they could get someone better, they'd dump their significant other for the better PR. I think this only because that is what always happens to me, and I know that I need to see/hear/read examples where men want their SO for companionship and a PR. So I figured I'd start with you. Please help me restore my faith in the male gender.

Gene Weingarten: I've spent fifteen minutes thinking about this. I don't think you need a man's advice. There is nothing a man is going to tell you that is going to be persuasive to you, under the circumstances. You need to hear from a woman.
I blieve you are fundamentally in a bad place in your head, and that unless you change your attitude about yourself, things will not get better for you. But you need details, and you can only get that from a woman. Is there a woman who wants to take this on?

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washingtonpost.com: Date Lab: Are older daters just more honest? (Post, June 3)

Gene Weingarten: here it is.

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Re: Paul Williams!?: Your chatmaster is this guy?

Writer of "The Rainbow Connection"? Five foot two?

washingtonpost.com: No

Gene Weingarten: Whatever he says.

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Washington, D.C.: Valerie Plame looks kinda like your wife, no?

Gene Weingarten: A similar type, yes!
My wife is hotter.

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Bodunk, Fla.: I answered no to all of your questions and am astounded by the poll results. I'm sophisticated, although live far from the big city; not wealthy but still smart; I'm white and can dance; I'm not homeless, yet I still have my disturbing moments.

I wear glasses and still men make passes.

Gene Weingarten: YOU ANSWERED NO TO ALL OF THE QUESTIONS?
Is there anyone else this absurdly politically correct? Anyone?

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Silicone devices: You posted a comment last Friday about the silicone cup alternative to tampons. Fantastic in theory, I agree -- but some caution is warranted. I'm a tall, big-boned woman, but I'm... oh, I'm apparently pretty small on the inside by the relevant standards, and... yeah, I couldn't get mine out. I tried for twenty minutes, and I read the directions over, and I checked for tips on the internet, and I tried again, and: failure.

So I had to ask my husband to do it.

That's right, my husband. I just felt like I couldn't get the right angle to be able to grab it firmly enough to pull it out. I still vividly remember lying on the bathroom floor, knees up, my husband groping around in my hooha trying to get purchase on the damn thing, both of us laughing hysterically (me with tears in my eyes because MY GOD how embarrassing and unsexy). Which would all have been worth it, except: he couldn't get it out either.

In the end (heh), I slunk into my gyno's office for help. She had to use forceps and a speculum.

Plenty of people use this thing and swear by it, but--women, if you've ever gotten the sense from your menfolk that you might be pleasingly smaller than expected? Stick with the cotton wads.

Gene Weingarten: Consider yourself lucky. You simply had to go to the groinecologist for the extraction of something innocent -- something you had every right to have up your hoohah.
When I was researching my hypochondria book, I had a fabulous, two-hour conversation with a Washington proctologist, Dr. Bruce Orkin, who regaled me with hilarious stories of stuff he had personally extracted from guys' butts. He had photographed them all: Bottles, lightbulbs (!), vases, chicken bones. There was a foot-long railroad spike.
This is not a new phenomenon. A famous proctologist (I love that expression) named J.P. Lockhart-Mummery did a whole study of this in the 1930s. He dryly pointed out that any object that CAN be inserted into a rectum HAS been inserted into a rectum.
Mummery was really genteel about it, never mentioning auto-eroticism. he placidly accepted his patients' explanations for what happened. ("I was gardening naked, when....")
So consider yourself lucky.
Actually, your hubby sounds lucky, too.

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Crystal City: I am a woman who was menstruating last week. After reading your chat, I tried in vain to remove a tampon without using my hands and could not achieve success. I thought I was the only woman in the world who didn't know about that trick.

Gene Weingarten: This reminds me of a scene in Last Tango in Paris...
No, not the butter scene. That other scene.

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D.C.: It honestly made me uncomfortable to take that poll, and I pride myself on telling it like it is. The thing is, for every question I could think of people I know in that category who don't fit the stereotype. Yet, I had to go with the stereotype nearly every time when I forced myself to think only in generalities. Okay, this particular friend doesn't have a voice that indicates he is black, but these other friends? What about Samuel Jackson, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson? Even James Earl Jones and Avery Brooks have a deep resonance to their voices that makes me think "black". Had to go with the "black voice" stereotype.

Can we acknowledge the grain of truth in the stereotype while also acknowledging that a significant number of people in that group don't fit it? Ugh, the whole thing gives me the heebiejeebies. I'd rather just take people as they are. Or is that just white guilt talking?

Gene Weingarten: Stop being such a baby.

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Rockville, Md.: Gene,

I have a feeling I already know your take on this, but I figured I would ask anyway. How do you feel about tall women in high heels? It seems as though, up until only a few years ago, tall women never wore heels, I suppose in an attempt to minimize their height. But now, I see tall women everywhere wearing 2-, 3- and 4-inch heels.

If this really is a trend, I wonder why. Did the rise of the WNBA make tall women suddenly cool, or made them feel better about their height? Or is there another reason?

For the record, I think it looks great, and I think you do, too.

Gene Weingarten: When a tall woman wears high heels, it's a statement. I think any tall woman will tell you that. I like the statement. I like strong women.

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Anonymous: How anonymous are these chats? I have quite a story regarding flexing tampons if you can guarantee my privacy.

Gene Weingarten: We have no idea who you are, and couldn't find out if we wanted to. If the cops came to us and said they needed to reach a specific poster to stop a planned murder, we couldn't help them.
This is true. I once put the question, exactly like this, to Liz.

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re: Date Lab: Yes! This week's date lab was awful! I remembered how mortified I was at mine and mine was not nearly as bad (I think I read too much into how it made me look and overlooked that the guy was a jerk).

Do you think it had to do with age, in fact? Or just those two? I mean they knew it was going in the paper!

Gene Weingarten: I think the guy was incredibly cruel. Nothing could make me be that cruel. I can imagine THINKING that about the woman. I have, in fact, thought that about people. But saying it? In print? Never.

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Tampon Mystery: OK Gene, now that you've tackled tampon removal, here's another one for you:

I volunteered for the last Potomac cleanup. I found soda cans, coffee cups, plastic bottles - all expected. What I didn't expect was DRIFTS OF TAMPON APPLICATORS. Where do these come from? Are women applying tampons in their cars then chucking the applicators down a sewer grate? I was mystified, as was my wife.

Gene Weingarten: They're not just being flushed?

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Fat People are Less Happy: Yes, I am fat, and yes, I am less happy than a skinny person. THis is largely because of the constant "helpful" advice from skinny people about how I could lose weight, how to dress to minimize the appearance of my fat, and the unceasing drumbeat from the medical morons in this country about how I really should lose weight. If all of those people would drop dead, I daresay my happiness might increase. Also, I'd like to not have to visit the "fat women" section of the department store. I'd also like skinny people to stop glaring at me when they have to sit next to me on the plane. No, I'm not overflowing into your seat; yes, I have fully filled my seat, and have to sit with the armrest digging into my thigh for the next 6 to 14 hours, leaving a black bruise that won't fade before the return trip. Let the thought of my pain defuse your lame indignation.

Gene Weingarten: Um, okay. It may be time for my poll analysis. Yes, indeedy.

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Gene Weingarten:
Okay, the poll.
Boy, people. As I suggested, this is not a test of stereotypes so much as it is a test of political correctness. Why? Because most of these stereotypes are true. Pretty undeniably true, so long as you are dealing with generalities -- mean numbers -- and so long as you are not bending over backwards to find ways not to agree with them.
Of COURSE there is a "black voice." It is ridiculous to suggest there isn't. Not every black man sounds that way, but some do. It is not a BAD voice, or an unsophisticated voice, it's simply a reliable predictor that the guy on the other end of the phone is black. There is no racism inherent in this acknowledgement.
Of COURSE poor people are less knowledgeable, in the aggregate, than wealthy people. Wealthy people, statistically, have a lot more education, and what is education but a breadth of knowledge. We didn't say "smart," we said "knowledgeable."
Of COURSE rural people are less sophisticated, on the aggregate. They have less contact with people unlike them; different cultures. They have less exposure to fine arts and whatnot.
Jews and Asians? C'mon, look at the population of American colleges, and look at the percentage of Jews in key positions all over the country. Do you know the percentage of Jews in America? It's less than two percent! Compare that with the percentage of successful Jews in the culture. We're not talking intelligence here, we're talking accomplishment.
Those are things I am sure of. Some things just seem to make sense. I'd be surprised to learn that gay men are, in the aggregate, not more concerned with their physical appearance. This simply goes against everything I have observed, but I am happy to be corrected if a gay man wishes to correct me. I'd be surprised to learn that black people aren't better dancers. Anyone want to argue against this?
As far as fat people being sadder, well, listen. To my understanding, most truly fat people are not happy about their size. They wish they weren't fat. It's a significant handicap. So they are starting with a basic unhappiness. Why wouldn't they, in the aggregate, on the average, be unhappier than others. We have that fact about them going in. No? Again, disabuse me of this if I am wrong.
This leaves two questions. One I am certain about.
Most homeless people are NOT mentally disturbed. This may seem counterintuitive, but there are studies and figures. I believe about 20 percent have some sort of mental illness.
The one I am uncertain about is whether lesbians dress with less care than straight women. People tend to think so, I suspect, because when they see someone whom they presume to be a lesbian, the person fits a certain preconceived image. But you see the illogic of this one.
Lesbians -- is the stereotype true, in the aggregate?

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Washington, D.C.: As luck would have it, it happens to be my time of the month. I'm sitting here at my desk flexing like crazy. It's not working, although maybe I need to try it while standing up?

Gene Weingarten: ER, but what if it works?

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: Actually, "Mistress of The Style Invitational" may well be a more appropriate name, given how often I'm involved with Invitational all night long, and must wash off the telltale smells of ink and stinky jokes before I climb into bed with my husband in the not-so-wee hours of the morning.

A double (or triple) credit after an entry can mean one of several things: First, it could be that two people collaborate and send in an entry; in this case it would read "(Fred and Wilma Flintstone, Bedrock)." This is okay for a pair of significant others, or someone and his kid; otherwise I don't like to do this. People should send in their own entries.

Usually the two names are separated by a semicolon, which means that it's referring to two people's entries, and this can mean a couple of things: Sometimes the two people just happened to send exactly the same thing. This is what happened with the terrific first-runner-up winner this past week, the "breeding" of Halitosis and Chicks in the Mail (names chosen from a list of 62) to produce Malodor Bride. (It's amazing how often I will get almost exactly the same entry from two or more people: Sometimes, warped minds think alike.)

More often, the entries share essentially the same joke, e.g., the same play on words in a longer entry in which the rest of the wording isn't that significant. In this case, I might choose one of the two entries and credit both entrants, or use elements of both their entries. It's not just a case of, say, two jokes that are about Paris Hilton; they'd have to include pretty much the same observation about Paris Hilton.

Rarely, two people will send in entries about pretty much the same subject that each have one really funny, unique element, but the rest of the content would be too redundant to print in the same set of results. And so once in a while, I will fuse together the two separate jokes into one final entry, and give two credits.

Gene Weingarten: Empress, darling, I think you need to talk to Pat the Perfect: You said "exact same."
I hate that.

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Tampon mystery solved: DC has an antiquated storm sewer system. When there are heavy downpours, the water overloads the sewer system and raw sewage flushes into the river. It's worse on the Anacostia side.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Washington, DC: Not only are more men shaving everything down-under, but according to my waxer (I'm a woman), more men are waxing it all down-under too!

Gene Weingarten: Auuughh.

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dating: I sympathize and was in her place (head and situation) a few times. I agree with Gene, need to first get your head out of that bad place. Then, ask where you're meeting these guys, cuz it's not a good crop. If only fishing from one small gang, try to expand and meet new people. 2: accept some dates with guys who don't make your heart pound so you can take time get to know them. Maybe going after the superhotties leaves you with hot lust that burns out fast.

3: Try a little more girlie stuff like flirting, make-up, etc. I was always VERY sensible and thought men respected that, but really, I know realize they like a little girlie stuff and I may have been able to meet more men if I'd let myself be a little girlie. I was so caught up in proving I was equal and bright that I forgot to be flirty and girly.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. This all seems sensible.
What I was going to tell this woman is that she seems to be selling herself short. Don't ALLOW yourself to become a PR.

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To PR woman: I state the obvious when I say you are meeting the wrong, wrong, WRONG type of men. My boyfriend and I have a fabulous relationship build on shared activities OTHER than sex. There is just no way he'd ever leave me for another woman because he couldn't get the intellectual challenge or perfect match of shared likes and dislikes from anyone else- of that I am 100 percent confident.

I feel your pain, though, because before I met my boyfriend, I despaired of ever meeting anyone worthwhile. I was the perennial "best friend" and/or convenient "PR" but never the girlfriend.

My advice to you -- forget about finding a boyfriend; it'll happen when you're not actively looking. Then join an outdoor club or something that gets you away from the bar scene. Quality men who will respect you are not going to be found in a bar.

Good luck and don't lose faith. There are good men out there.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Yes. Exactly. Thank you. I think this does it.

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Date lab: Late 30s woman here - how was the guy cruel? I read it and reread it and truly don't understand. The woman admitted she put up a wall.

Gene Weingarten: He said she had dead eyes. DEAD EYES.
Empty, vacuous eyes. Dead eyes.
He said she had dead eyes. He said that she could not muster a moment of interesting conversation.
Dead.
Eyes.
My god.

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Weight - wait: Wow. It's "medical morons" who are telling you that you should lose weight? Ok, have fun dying younger and all that jazz.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, yeah.

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Arlington, Va.:

Submitted for your consideration. He misses something huge, though -- the reason why women are really, truly correct about toilet seats.

You can point this one out.

Gene Weingarten: This is very cool!
It is, however, as you say, fatally flawed. Like Communism, it is theoretically sound, but fails to consider the consequences of the foibles of human behavior.
Where to begin? This study suggests that the consequence of failing to leave the seat down, upon the male, is "yelling," this does not come close to approximating the degree of suffering inflicted on the male, nor does it take into account the ACCRETION of suffering. The "yelling" is treated as a momentary discomfort, as opposed to a well of grief that fills over time. When it overflows, the consequences can be as profound as cessation of sexual congress.
So the stakes are hugely higher. Moreover (this is key) the study completely fails to take into account the fact that, for the woman, the failure of the man to lower the seat can have consequences far more serious than the annoyance of having to lower the seat herself. To wit, she can have an extremely unpleasant encounter with moist porcelain, particularly at night -- an occurrence that both VASTLY raises the punishment to the male, so insufficiently described as "yelling."

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Silver Spring, Md.: OK, last week I was on the Red Line mid-day going up to Rockville for an appointment. When I got on at Judiciary Square, the train was pretty crowded. I got a seat at Metro Center, and at Dupont, a guy sat down next to me. So far, so good.

However, the load lightened as we went north. By Friendship Heights, the car was nearly empty. But the guy did not move.

At Bethesda, I was a little uncomfortable. At Medical Center or Grosvenor, he got off. Otherwise, I would have moved myself -- which would have made him get up.

On a crowded train, I would not have been bothered at all. But on an empty train, I feel my personal space deserved a little more space, no?

It's kinda like the urinal thing I guess (although I don't use urinals at all if I can avoid it).

Gene Weingarten: Oooh, this is interesting!
So, you think it was HIS duty to move, as opposed to your duty? Why? Because if YOU moved, he, being a guy (I am assuming you are female), might have taken offense?
Why was it anyone's duty to move? Isn't moving a somewhat hostile act? Lightly, mildly hostile? Or not?
Uncharacteristically, I am unsure about the protocols here. I think I would be unlikely to move in this circumstances, because it would seem slightly rude. I think if a woman sitting next to me moved, I would feel, slightly, offended. Maybe. Not sure. Boy, this is subtle.
Anyone care to weigh in?
Hey, you know what is a weird expression? "Weigh in." Why, when one is adding one's opinion to a group of opinions, is this "weighing in," like a prizefighter before a fight?
You know what is also stupid? "Back to back" home runs. I believe this term comes from poker, where you have a pair -- one face up, and one in the hole. So they are "back to back." But two batters who follow each other in the lineup are in no way "back to back."
Thank you.

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Chicago: I am a 26 year old man who doesn't shave. CW among my peers is that shaving will add an apparent inch and a half to your penis size.

Gene Weingarten: Shouldn't we all grow up a little bit?

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Lansing, Mich.: HEY! Do NOT disrespect my Sudoku, buster!

I can't see why winding up with a grid of numbers is any less (or, to be perfectly fair, any more) impressive than knowing the names of some obscure capitals and rivers. I don't think crosswords are a test of vocabulary as much as they're a test of memorization of (and NOT knowledge of) the truly arcane.

I like Kakuro better than Sudoku, though...

Gene Weingarten: Honey, you are so wrong.
When a crossword puzzle is good, it is a test of vocabulary, general knowledge, cleverness, cryptography, and pun recognition. It is often a test of riddle solving.
Sudoku is only one thing: Logic. Symbolic logic and (very) primitive number theory.
My wife does both, so I still love her. But someone who eschews crosswords (or crostics, which are better than crosswords) for Sudoku is someone empty at the center.
Okay, that's a little extreme. No offense intended.
Somone PARTIALLY empty at the center.

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Sudoku Solutions: Gene,

What's the point of printing Sudoku solutions ? Is there somebody out there slapping his forehead and saying "Of course ! That one blank I couldn't fill in was a 2" ?

Gene Weingarten: Good point! I mean, when you've reached the moment that you realize you have screwed up, who cares? You're done. Obviously, there IS a solution, and you didn't get it, and it's just ... numbers.

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B, AR?: "Quality men who will respect you are not going to be found in a bar."

I met my boyfriend of four years in that sleazy 20-something watering hole, the Front Page. He is what my mother calls "a keeper." But I appear to be the only person on the planet to have had this experience.

Gene Weingarten: The Front Page is not sleazy.
I was in there a few weeks ago, and across the room, I saw my son. I was surprised at the coincidence, and went across the room. I had to get about two feet away before I realized it was not my son. Almost a total dead ringer. Same size, same posture almost identical face. He got a little upset with the way I was looking at him.

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Moving on the Metro: I assume he should move because he was on the outside seat? She would have had to climb over him.

That said, this is silly, and I would not expect anyone to move.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, the outside seat. Okay, makes sense.
Does anyone see an obligation to move? Or that it is desirous to move?

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Lesbian here...I do care: Hi. I'm a Lesbo. I'd say lesbian women of course care about what they look like...but they may be less concerned in looking traditionally "feminine" than their straight counterparts. Example - I don't shave my legs. I like the way it looks, I care about that, thus I make an active choice to look that way. So, I think some folks may respond that lesbians care less when in fact they mean that lesbians might have a different set of criteria for how they want to look.

Gene Weingarten: Gotcha. A different esthetic. Makes sense.

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Questioning Celebritology: Do we lament the seemingly bitter departure of Hank's column?

Gene Weingarten: Bitter? I don't believe it to be bitter at all. Why bitter?

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Anonymous Flexing Tampon Story: You'd better be telling the truth about my anonymity. Ok, here goes: I once went an amazingly long number two with such force that my tampon plopped out. I could never recereate this by sheer will, though.

And I will search every row house in Capitol Hill to find you if you're lying about not being able to tell my identity.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I just burst out laughing.
Thank you, Francine. No one where you work, at The World Bank, will ever know who you are. You have my word.

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Gene Weingarten: (God, I hope her name isn't Francine, and that she doesn't work at The World Bank.)

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Dead Eyes: Aren't women always asking what you're thinking? Be careful what you ask for.

Gene Weingarten: You know, I can't imagine a worse thing to say about someone's appearance. Seriously. "Grotesquely fat," to me, is kinder than "dead eyes."

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Fat people are less happy: I am thin and have a knockout figure. I always have and hope I always will. I was born with crossed eyes and after an unsuccessful operation I was left with one lazy eye. I struggled for years with it and the looks and questions. It was fixed about nine years ago when I was 26. I finally look normal.

NO ONE has a perfect life. Even though I dont have body issues and know I look great--I still struggle with issues from my lazy eye. I cant figure out what I want to do career wise. I have a wonderful husband and the career issue is a real problem for us.

EVERYBODY has problems. Being skinny does not make life "easier". Most people over the age of 30 are skinny because they lucked out gene wise OR they dont eat too much and work out alot OR they are using some sort of additive to keep them thin like smoking cigs or using drugs.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, but listen: What if you knew NOTHING about someone, nothing, other than that he or she was very fat. Wouldn't it stand to reason that, statistically speaking, that person had a high probability of being unhappy than another person about you knew NOTHING?
Of course, right? Any statistician would tell you that.

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chantilly, va: As far as the toilet seat thing goes am I the only man in the world who prefers to close both lids after using the facilities? My wife consistently leaves the top part up which I fine somewhat repulsive. No matter how clean a toilet is I don't want to be looking down into it every time I come in to the bathroom.

Gene Weingarten: I would simply dryly observe that you are not a typical guy.

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Washington, DC: When someone gets up and moves away from me on the Metro, I worry that I smell. Then, I have to secretly sniff to make sure I don't smell, but I am concerned about it until I can get home. That's enough to ruin a day.

Gene Weingarten: It bothers me a little too. It's not smell fear, I fear I am subtly doing something they find obnoxious.

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Fairfax: So would it perhaps put an end to this shaving-by-men fad if it was stated categorically that -- based on the earlier point about "appears to add an inch and a half" that only men with small penises shave? After all, those of us who don't NEED the extra inch and a half don't need to shave. If shaving were an admission that one had a small penis ... I think men would stop shaving alltogether.

Gene Weingarten: I think most men think they need the extra inch.

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Oakland, Calif.: Okay, something came up in Carolyn's chat last week that I think the denizens of this chat need to weigh in on. It's the stripper thing, and more specifically women who get all upset about strippers at bachelor parties. I'm a woman, and I could not care less if a boyfriend of mine went to a strip club for a bachelor party, or if my (imaginary) husband had strippers at his bachelor party. I mean, if he had sex with one, sure, that would upset me, or if he went to one every week, sure, that would be a problem, but...at a bachelor party? I don't get it. Can some women please explain this to me?

Gene Weingarten: Well, I don't get why women would be upset about this, either. But I also don't get why men would WANT to see a stripper. It's a tawdry, stupid, unsexy thing to participate in. I would feel like a total loser.
I've never gotten this. For stories, I've had to visit a few strip clubs. Couldn't wait to get out. I felt embarrassed for everyone -- the stripper, the geeks eyeing her.
PORN has more class than that.

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Workingfromho, ME: Gene, my new girlfriend won't have sex with me until I get tested for just about everything. The results are due this week, and I could not be more nervous. Particularly about the AIDS part. I find myself bargaining with god "I'll take herpes or chlamydia if you make the AIDS test negative." (And I don't believe in god.) I haven't even had that much sex. (I'm kinda chubby.) Never had sex with a prostitute. Never had a blood transfusion in Haiti. Have you ever had an AIDS test? Was it scary? Weren't you once an intravenous drug user? Did you ever shoot up between your toes to hide the track marks? Saw that once on TV. Okay, just curious! Love ya like a Jewish brother!

Gene Weingarten: For seven years, I had blood tests every two to four weeks, to see if my Hepatitis C had returned. It's horrifying. But after a while, you don't worry about it anymore. This is known as denial. It is how all of us -- ALL of us -- get through every day of our lives, not thinking about the fact that life is essentially a fatal disease of capricious and indeterminite length. If you don't think about it, it can't bother you. Have another beer.
Haha. Enjoy! You're welcome.
I answer your drug question below.

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Pittsburgh: Gene, I am curious if you will/have ever addressed your heroin addiction and recovery in any written forum? I know several people who have been addicted to heroin, and in all but a few cases their lives turned out . . . not well: most turned to other addictions (food, other drugs) or, well, died. How did you overcome your addiction - rehab or a more likely Gene scenario (lost your dealer's number and then forgot you were addicted)? Did your public forthrightness about your addiction have any impact on our career? Were you more of a casual weekend user or did you devolve into four-bag-a-day hell? If this is too personal, I am sorry but I am curious nonetheless. Also, I am very hot.

Gene Weingarten: I was never a heroin addict. During my years at NYU 1968-1972, I was a weekend user. You don't really get addicted that way, if you have the self-control to remain a weekend user. And you don't collapse veins.
I am not advocating this, though. I managed to give myself a nearly fatal dose of hepatitis.

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Weight and "Medical Morons": I think I understand what the original poster means. My primary care doctor says that dropping weight would be beneficial; no problem. She's absolutely right. This is the kind of thing a regular doctor SHOULD say.

But when you hear the words "lose weight" for anything you see a doctor about, that's ridiculous. I told a GYN that my periods were irregular and I had severe cramping, and the first words out of her mouth were "That's because you're so heavy." No examination, no follow-up questions. So I asked her to please imagine that I were normal weight and then treat me accordingly. Turns out I had a cyst. Now imagine if she hadn't given a second chance.

Seriously, doctors will often focus on weight to the exclusion of all possible alternatives. THOSE are the "medical morons".

Gene Weingarten: Okay, this I understand.

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RE: Toilet Seat: That's why one day when I have my "Dream Home" at least one bathroom will have a urinal in it. One of those ones that go all the way down to the floor, to boot.

Gene Weingarten: It's got to be old, with that crazed porcelain. From about 1920. I have dreamed ab out this, too. My wife claims it will smell.
Well, of COURSE it will smell. That's almost the point.

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Baltimore: Gene, have you ever seen a more ironic picture than this one taken at the National Spelling Bee? It has to rank up there.

Gene Weingarten: This is so terrific. It took me about 15 seconds.

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Washington, D.C.: What about the new birth control pill that prevents periods? My girlfriend thinks the idea is too weird. I think it's great. I would love to hear your thoughts and those of your peeps on this.

Gene Weingarten: I'm unqualified to opine.
I assume most women have a love-hate relationship with their periods. For many sexually active single women, I suspect, it is a reassurance. But I'm not sure I know a post-menopausal woman who really really regrets not doing that anymore.
Ladies?

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Kensington, Md.: Hey Gene and Liz. Are y'all going to check out the Steven Wright chat today? Do you like his shtick?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I do, but I am afraid to show my face. Several weeks ago, in this very space, I DECLARED HIM DEAD.

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Washington, DC: I swear to you that I saw this with my own eyes, I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was 10th grade. Some student club was having an all-night sleepover in the high school gym. A group of girls (including me) was doing aerobics in one corner. And I witnessed a (used!) tampon fly out of the shorts leg of the girl in front of me. She squealed in shame and sat down on top of it. She scooped it up and hid it in her shirt. She ran away to the bathroom. It happened! I was there!

Gene Weingarten: I'm really liking this whole string. I mean, thread.

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DC: Gene,

You need to find an Esquire magazine. They have had in the past an ad for a razor. The picture shows two kiwi fruits. One with fuzz one without. Conclusion, yes, some guys shave.

Gene Weingarten: Why would someone shave his testicles? What is THAT all about?

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Flex and Plop: This is the new Yankee's nickname, right?

Gene Weingarten: This reminds me of a Style Invitational entry that never got published. We had printed sounds and people had to say what the sounds meant. The sound was "Fizz Fizz, plop plop," and the entry said: What is the sound of two babies discovering Drano?
Sorry.

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Is that an aptonym, or are you just happy to see me?: From Sunday's Style section article:

"Feet tell all about a person," says April Walker, a cosmetologist and pedicurist who works at Hair Academy in New Carrollton and taught nail care for 15 years.

Gene Weingarten: Weak. Too weak.

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Allentown, PA: Gene,

I posted before the chat aghast at the majority of chatters who say that gay men are generally more concerned about appearance.

Over the course of the chat, I have come to accept myself as an anomaly.

Gene Weingarten: Well, why would the chat have changed your mind?

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Washington, DC: There's definitely a lesbian aesthetic. I'm bisexual, and have discussed this at length with my best friend, who is also bisexual (no, we don't sleep together). When I dress to impress women, I dress differently than when I dress to impress men. It's not that I take less care, but that I get really different results.

We decided a really good example of this is the TV show Battlestar Galactica. Ask guys who the hot girl on the show is. They'll tell you it's Six, played model Tricia Helfer. Ask lesbians, and they'll tell you it's Starbuck, played by Katee Sackhoff.

washingtonpost.com: Um, I like Starbuck better. What does that make me?

Gene Weingarten: A lesbian trapped in a man's body, dude. We had a long discussion about this some weeks ago.

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Drev, IL: There's nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, but here is the key question: is this a woman speaking, or a man?

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Orange Li, NE: I'm with you, Gene. I would never sit down next to somebody if there were seats with nobody next to them available.

However, once seated, I would never move even if seats by themselves became available later. Like you say, it seems hostile; like I'm implying something nasty about my seat-mate.

Gene Weingarten: But, can't a reasonable case be made that NOT moving is weird, too? Have you ever seen a restaurant that is completely empty except for two tab les, and they are jammed together? Something wrong with that. Privacy matters.

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String theory: This has GOT to be the most perverse hour on the planet.

In the words of George Patton, "God, how I love it."

Gene Weingarten: The interesting part is that it no longer even seems daring, does it? I really like that. This is normal. Now we all have to go back to our dreary lies.
Thank you all, people. We're done with a very provocative chat. I'll be updating through the week as usual.

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UPDATE 6-06-07

Arlington, Va.: My husband (30-something) came home from a business trip from Las Vegas shaved. For any unshaved guys like him who are considering shaving, I have two points: (1) Does your s.o. have sensitive skin? If she ever complains about whisker burn, then forget about shaving down there. (2) Unless you ask for her help shaving, there's a good chance your s.o. will think you are seeing an under-30 woman if you do this.

Gene Weingarten: Uhhhh. Okay, this post simply leaves me with nothing to say. Honestly, I am just speechless.

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quoting someone el, SE: Mitch Hedburg (R.I.P.): "Getting an AIDS test is scary, so I stopped getting one. Now, I get the round-about AIDS test. I just ask my friends, 'Do you know anyone with AIDS?' They answer no, and they know me, so I'm good."

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Blind Date, USA: I'm going to meet a guy for drinks that I met through an online dating service. I'm already a bit intimidated by him, he's funny, a little forward in a kissy kind of way, tall, nice looking, preppy. Me, I've lost a bunch of weight and am still finding my own style and still a bit overweight. (He's seen pictures so that's not an issue.)I'm cute with pretty eyes and reddish hair (natural). Question. I fell and hurt my leg; I was on crutches but have graduated to a pretty cane. All of this is temporary but I've noticed when I tell men this, they stop emailing or talking to me (unless they themselves have had an injury). Should I tell him in advance or just get to the restaurant before him, charm him on whatever personality I'm able to muster up and then tell him as we leave? Or is that too cruel? I'm new at this dating thing and I want to be honest but on the other hand, THIS IS TEMPORARY for maybe another month at most. It's not like I live in an area where there are nice men crawling all over the place. Advice?

Gene Weingarten: My advice is to stop being so self-conscious.

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please advise...: got engaged this weekend. i, too, hate the f-word. right now am calling my partner "me betrothed." can you suggest something a little less jane austen-y?

Gene Weingarten: How about "my boyfriend"? Can someone tell me why it is necessary to explain to everyone you see that you and this person are planning to be married? He is your boyfriend. Then one day he will be your husband. Who gives a rat's butt about what you intend or are planning for?

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Miranda, AZ: "The most recent was a column that took the form of a questionnaire to be filled out by ardent Bush supporters; the tone came out a little wrong, and I was fairly accused of elitism at the expense of humor." I am going to print this off and frame it. This is the first time, ever, I can recall you making an admission of error regarding your writing, and certainly your first admission of latent elitism.

Gene Weingarten: I'm sorry, but you're wrong. It's not, and never has been, "latent" elitism.

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Update 6-07-07

A matter of physics: Just so everyone knows, the reason Gene can't understand even restrained splaying, or genital zippering or whatever, is that he wears Man-Panties. Tighty-Whities. He keeps his "package" in a tidy package. Things are always where they're supposed to be. Organazized in a way the rest of his life isn't.

Gene Weingarten: But this is counter-intuitive. If you are all over the place, wouldn't it be EASIER for things to flop and flounce into whatever position was necessary to make a splay unnecessary?

Besides, this entire line of argument was obviated by Dr. Stanton.

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Herndon, Va.: Mr. W: I think a high percentage of today's "pollers" are fooling themselves. Only a small percent say they would change the answers if their name was included. I sure would. As a 65-year old white male, I'm hardly going to publicly state, for example, I think more blacks are better dancers (I do), as it has a more than a whiff of racism. "Sure they dance well, and they're more athletic, but they aren't as smart" would be the implication - even though I don't believe that's the case.

Gene Weingarten: I've never understood this. Maybe next week someone will discuss it. Why does voicing a positive stereotype about a group imply an unsead negative stereotype? Someone explain.

I'm not saying this doesn't happen; I am wondering why it happens. When I was about ten or eleven, my mother remarked that black people tended to be excellent athletes and entertainers. I remember thinking that she was implying that they are "only" good athletes and entertainers, and she may well have been. But why do we make that poisonous assumption?

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Arlington: According to weirdconverter.com the average human bowel movement weighs .44 pounds.

And the weight of one right whale testicle = 10 Jennifer Annistons.

Gene Weingarten: Thanks.

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huh?: What is ironic about that picture? Clearly I'm missing something.

Gene Weingarten: This is about the spelling bee picture. Look at the placard around the kid's neck. For some reason, this is hard to see.

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Matrimo, NY: The other day, a knock out girl in her late teens or early 20s was in front of me at the check out line at the local grocery store. She wore those athletic shorts that have a word inscribed on the back so as to draw attention to her perfectly formed derriere. She wore sandals to show off her perfectly manicured feet. Her legs were long, smooth and muscular. She was delightful.

She held in her hand a single $20 bill with which to purchase her groceries. Unfortunately, the total of the four items came to over $26. The teller's screen showed the individual prices of the four items -- $13, $8, $3 and $1.50. As tempting as it was to offer seven dollars to this goddess who graced me with her presence for the past 30 seconds, I did nothing. She would have to get the amount to under $20 herself, but how? How? She told the teller to remove the $1.50 item, but the total was still too much. Next, she told him to remove the $3 item, but the total was STILL too much. Finally, she told the teller to remove the $8 item and, with only one item left, she made the purchase, accepted her change and left.

It was at this point that I realized how unattractive the beautiful young woman was, especially when compared to my wife of 11 years.

Gene Weingarten: This is a lovely story. I hope it's true.

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Anonymous: Sorry I'm late to the discussion, but I can eject a tampon with no hands. Of course, I've also ejected twins with no hands.

Gene Weingarten: I just need I feel to report that, literally, dozens of women have written in to say the same thing. Not about the twins, about the ejection. And to say that it can be involuntary, particularly from ... sneezing. And that this last effect can make them laugh in a way that seems quite inappropriate to coworkers.

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NW Washington, DC: Gene, you've made your stance about marriage very clear - that the only reason to do such a thing is if there are children involved. When you and the Rib got hitched, then, was it because Molly was already on the way, or was it because you looked at the Rib and thought to yourself, "Gee, I really want to procreate with this woman and have a family with her"?

Gene Weingarten: The second, though I like to think it was a mutual decision.

We'd been living together for about a year and a half, and got married when we decided to have a kid, which coincided exactly with the decision that this was going to be a lifelong commitment.

We were married on August 28, 1980. Molly was born on June 7, 1981. Do the math.

Happy birthday, Mol.

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UPDATE 6-08-07

Chest Talker: Gene, I need a guy's opinion and I figure you may have a creative solution to my problem. There's a guy I have to deal with at work who continually stares at my chest. So far I've been crossing my arms but I think I need a better approach. Suggestions?

Gene Weingarten: Well, my answer is to wear one of those T-shirts that says ... "Yep, they're breasts, all right."

I did put your question to my friend Rachel Manteuffel, author of the famous 34-F piece in the magazine. Her solution is more creative:

"Carry some papers or files in with you when you see him. Hold them casually, with your arm in front of them. Then, when his eyes focus on your chest, move your arm away. The top page will have a large, thick arrow pointing up, to your face. Continue conversation normally."

Gene Weingarten: Oop, I seem to have misinterpreted. This is an important distinction, strategically: The arrow is moved over the breast at the key time, from a less obvious prior location.

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Salt Lake City, Utah: Regarding the poll: Yes, your poll was based on stereotypes. All stereotypes have a basis in fact. I'm a 42 year old Black male scientist (chemist) who grew up poor in East Baltimore. I don't have the "Black accent" but 2 of my 3 siblings do (oldest brother, younger sister). Most of the kids in my neighborhood did and do today. I would have further differentiated the "accent" to an urban vs rural (southern) accent, although the rural Black accent is disappearing. I can dance adequately. White men can't dance! The Jews and Asians I went to school with (Baltimore Polytechnic and Maryland) were excellent students, for the most part. Most homeless people are in family units and are in bad economic straits. The most visible homeless are those with drug/alcohol and mental problems. Most gay men I've known are fastidious about their appearance. Most lesbians I've known have been "lipstick" lesbians. I wouldn't change my answers if they wern't anonymous. In fact, based on the personal info given, I've outed myself to any friends reading this. Sorry for the length.

Gene Weingarten: That's interesting about the "black voice" in only part of your family. This discussion reminded me about something. A few years ago I wrote about how I'd had my identity stolen in a typical credit-card fraud scam. At one point, I'd realized that I had spoken with the scammer: He called me to try to trick me into surrendering my social security number. What was odd about this was that, by his voice, I knew this man was black, and yet he apparently was going to try to pass himself off as being named "Weingarten." I thought that was funny and tried to write it, but that meant raising the issue of a "black voice," something I was reluctant to do. I was discussing this with Marc Fisher, who suggested I simply say: "Oddly, he didn't SOUND Jewish." I loved that solution, but wiser heads prevailed. I just didn't go there in the column.

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Philadelphia: At what point do you think the creator of "Lio" will finally stop laughing and announce that he's been getting away with having a penis as a character in his comic strip?

Gene Weingarten: He is nowhere near the first. Weederman the dog, from "Mr. Boffo," is obviously a penis. As is Bucky the cat, from "Get Fuzzy." Paul, can we link to both?

washingtonpost.com: Weederman
Bucky Katt

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Not Happy???: Sure, I'd like to weigh less, but does it affect how happy I am? NOPE. Think of it this way. Are you deeply unhappy about your vocal quality? Does it rule your life, your choices, is it your be all and end all? Are you unhappy in a fundamentally significant way because of it? Is the quality of your voice the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night? If your entire sense of happiness revolves around one chracteristic of your physical self, then I don't care if you are thin or fat, quadrepeligic or a runner on the Olympic team, green, white or purple, an operatic diva or a person with a voice such as yours, you will not be a very happy person. Any intelligent person could tell you this. You seem a reasonably bright fellow. I'll let you figure it out.

Gene Weingarten: This is a very good analogy, and I think your head is in the right place. And I wish all overweight people had exactly your attitude. The problem is, I don't think they do. I think the answers to this chat from overweight people support that they do not have your attitude. I think mental-health studies of overweight people support that they do not have your attitude. And I think that is a bad thing. Your analogy is interesting, but, uh, thin. I have a dreadful voice, but strangers are not unfairly judging me every minute of the day on my voice; many never even hear my voice. Seriously fat people are judged constantly. I think you are very wise to have the attitude you have, and also lucky that there is something in your emotional makeup that permits you to have that attitude.

Gene Weingarten: See next answer.

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Washington, D.C.: Thank you for the poll. It illustrates my response to the poll about relationships between older and younger people: IF that was all the information I had, I would draw somewhat negative conclusions about them. I'm an economist. We spend our time making generalizations (we call them correlation): Poor people (on average) have lower education than rich people. Fat people have higher depression rates than average ("Obesity and depression, as well as a range of other mental disorders, are linked, according to new research published in the Archives of General Psychiatry." - http://health.dailynewscentral.com/content/view/0002335/63/) Asians have higher than average incomes and education than average. ("In 2005 the median personal income for Asian Americans was estimated to be $36,152, compared to $33,030 for Whites, $27,101 for African Americans and $23,613 for those identifying as Hispanic or Latino." - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demographics_of_Asian_Americans) These are facts. But there's a difference between research about populations and knowledge about individuals. If you want to know if someone is "sophisticated," you'll learn a lot more from a 30-second conversation than looking up his address.

Gene Weingarten: As to the last point: Of course. It is why every question in the poll went out of its way to say "on the average" or "in the aggregate."

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crossword vs. SuDoKu: Your analogy is close, but not quite right. In many ways googlewhacking is to googlnoping as crosswords are to SuDoKu except for the fact that crosswords are much harder than SuDoKu. I would substitute SuDoKu for a Rubik's cube, but I kind of get a thrill out of having all the sides the same color in the end. I have never in my life been able to finish the Sunday Washington Post crossword. It is a personal dream of mine. So far, if I manage to fill in one section completely, I'm thrilled.

Gene Weingarten: There are two separate talents. I find Sudoku harder than most crosswords. I almost never fail to complete the Sunday Times crossword, and NEVER fail to complete the Times crostic, which can be a major bitch. I am about at 60-70 percent fully solving the Saturday Times crossword, which may be the hardest crossword out there. But even Middle-Level Sudokus can throw me. I just don't approach it with the same singleminded determination. I don't care that much, and I make mistakes. And when I do make a mistake, I have ZERO interest in correcting it.

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Boston: Of course gay men dress better. Why do you think women dress up so much? To attract men. We are doing the same thing. In addition we love to judge more than any other group so you have to make sure you look good. I think it also gives some of us a sense of superiority over straight men.

Gene Weingarten: Thanks.

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Medical Question: Gene, Maybe you can help with an odd medical question. I'm a guy and there are times during urination when I'll become light-headed on the verge of passing out and begin sweating profusely. This usually occurs after after some physical exertion (sometimes as little as running up the stairs to use the john). I am otherwise fit and not on any medication, should I be concerned?

Gene Weingarten: There is actually a name for this! And I actually know it! It is called "micturation syncope." Which basically translates to "you faint when you pee." It was in my book. It is caused by a miscommunication between your blood vessels and your vagus nerve. I don't believe there is anything you can do about this, nor is it a serious threat to your health, but you might want to consult a good urologist who also has a sense of humor, such as Dr. Michael Stanton, in Bethesda. It is not the oddest thing involving peeing. There is something called a pheochromocytoma, a nonmalignant growth on the adrenal gland, which causes feelings of extreme anxiety every time you pee.

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Chicago: Gene, can you defend your earlier assertion, "my body is not me"? If you are an atheist and, presumably, a materialist, then isn't your body pretty much explicitly the only thing that is you?

Gene Weingarten: My BRAIN is me. If it is dead, there is no me left.

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