Chatological Humor

aka Tuesdays With Moron

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: 27 and Younger| 28 to 40| 41 and Older

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

____________________

Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Can someone explain to me why voicemail messages are interminable? Here is the typical one, annotated by me:

"Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice mail system. (Thanks. We thought the person we had called had been soul-snatched by pod people, who gave her a vapid, emotionless robot voice ) At the tone (A tone? There will be a tone? What an incredible innovation!) please record your message. When you have finished recording you may hang up (Thanks! Otherwise I might have stayed on, indefinitely, waiting for someone to pick up.) or press one for more options. ( Has anyone ever pressed one?) To leave a callback number, press five." (Why not just leave a callback number in your message?)

I hate the delay of listening to this, and I want some answers.

---

A thank you to the unnamed, eagle-eyed person who found THIS on the Post Web site last week and had the smarts to do a frame grab.

---

Seventy thousand of you pointed out THIS fabulous aptonym, stolen from Dave Barry's Blog.

But an equally wonderful aptonym nearly escaped detection. Thank you, Lauren, for pointing out that the attorney for Glenarnow Wilson, the teenager convicted of having consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old, is "B.J. Bernstein."

-----

Responding to last week's photo of the spelling bee contestant with a misspelling in his placard that few people seemed to notice, Priya Chhaya wrote in to re-direct me to this phenomenon, which has been bouncing around the Web for years. It explains why typos are so hard to detect:

"Aoccrding to reserach at Crmbaidge Univsreity, it dosen't mtater in waht oredr the letters in a wrod are. The olny ipmortant tihng is taht the frist and lsat lteter be in the rihgt palce. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wuthoit prlboem. Tihs is bscauee the huamn mnid deos not raed erevy letter by iteslf, but the wrod as a wohle. "

----

Edison Hammond sent in this Reuters story, diplomatically observing that it is both not funny and not a Polish joke.

Stolen keys delay start of military mission

Thu Jun 7, 2007 11:08AM EDT

WARSAW (Reuters) - Poland's 1,200 troops assigned to NATO forces in Afghanistan will not achieve full combat readiness for up to several weeks due to stolen vehicle keys, the defense ministry said Thursday.

"We had been told a 10 percent theft rate was likely in convoys brought in from Pakistan, but we had not expected the spare car keys to go missing," defense ministry spokesman Jaroslaw Rybak told news channel TVN24. "We shall have to send away for spares, so it may take from several days to several weeks for our contingent to become combat ready."

-------------

Please take today's poll ( 27 and Younger| 28 to 40| 41 and Older). The results so far are interesting, are they not? All will be explained in due course, with some surprises.

----

The Comic Pick of the week is Sunday's Pickles. First Runner-up is Wednesday's Rhymes With Orange. Honorables: Sunday's Opus. Sunday's Lio, Sunday's Zits, Sunday's Frazz. Sunday was a good day.

Okay, let's go.

_______________________

Northwest: : Gene, as you display a certain fondess for discussions of tampons and waxing, I would like to ask your advice on the proper thing to do in the following situation:

Several weeks ago, I scheduled a Brazilian waxing appointment for Monday (yesterday), not thinking far enough in advance to note that my period would conveniently come this past weekend. I didn't even realize until Sunday night that this would happen; too late to cancel the appointment. So I spent all day wondering, what is the etiquette in this situation? Go to the appointment and just have the tampon string hanging out there, a complete disregard for any discomfort on the waxer's side? Do I tell the waxer about my mis-scheduling and ask her if she is uncomfortable with with the situation? Should I just opt for a regular bikini wax instead, so I can leave my underwear on? Do I take the tampon out right before the appointment, hoping not to have any mishaps on the table? Better yet, do I leave it in and self-eject during the waxing session?

What's a girl to do?

washingtonpost.com: Sigh.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I just spit my coffee.

In the last few days, an illuminating discussion has occurred among Tom the Butcher, me, and Chatwoman here over the details of last week's chat. I asked Lizzie to send over to me one AND ONLY ONE post that dramatically highlighted the issue, so we could discuss it. This was the one she chose. Good work, Chatwoman.

Since its inception, protected by its anonymity and encouraged by my enthusiastic lack of shame, this chat has been willing to delve into areas of human behavior that some people in other quarters might consider rude or vulgar. Last week, to my delight, we actually had a situation where women -- many, many women, some of whom, presumably, are dignified professionals earning six-figure incomes -- were cheerfully discussing circumstances under which feminine hygiene products can be expelled accidentally, and sometimes startlingly, during the rigors of certain bodily functions, one of which was sneezing and one of which was not.

Now, I confess that moderating this conversational diversion filled me with a kind of joy. Men, in general, fell silent during most of this discussion, slackjawed but intrigued at reading things they would presumably not ordinarily hear even from wife or lover, as the ladies chatted happily amongst themselves, trading harrowing tales, discussing fear of ejection.

I was unabashedly enjoying it, too. But after the chat, my editor, Tom the Butcher, expressed discomfiture. Tom -- who is a harrumphing, grannny-like, Edwardian prude in most areas, but, to his credit has always acknowledged that chats should be freewheeling -- felt that a line had been crossed. He was, to put it gently, appalled.

I responded that, short of hate speech or obscenity or the advocacy of violence -- there IS no line; everything is potentially appropriate for this chat. At this point Tom gave me an example of a possible parallel topic of discussion (not obscenity or hate speech or the advocacy of violence) and asked if I would countenance it. I admitted I would not, purely on matters of taste. So Tom had adroitly established that there IS a line; the question remained, Had it been crossed?

This would have remained a private conversation between Tom and me had not Liz returned from vacation, read the last chat, and, basically, for the first time in her life, agreed with Tom.

So, I want to ask you guys a complicated question. It HAS to be delivered in a complicated fashion because you are a self-selected audience whose tastes and proclivities probably, in the aggregate, align with mine. It's not a fair audience, for Tom's side of the matter.

If any of you were offended or skeeved out by the discussion last week, definitely speak up. But to the others: Given the general tastes of the public, do you feel as though, in general, the size of the potential audience for this chat is being limited by my willingness to entertain this sort of discussion?

That's it. Tom and Liz and I will be reading your answers with interest.

_______________________

Orem, Utah: So, what's the best book that you had to leave out of the article?

washingtonpost.com: Book Learning: When Literacy is Overrated, ( Post Magazine, June 10)

Gene Weingarten: Agatha Christie's Ten Little N-Words, which was the original title of her book. Interestingly, my copy was published as late as 1973, in England.

This book also contains this line, which has been expurgated from all American versions of Ten Little Indians:

"He had offered it in a casual way as though a hundred guineas was nothing to him. A hundred guineas! When he was literally down to his last square meal! He had fancied, though, that the little Jew had not been deceived -- that was the damnable thing about Jews, you couldn't deceive them about money -- they know!"

_______________________

Out Here Somewhere: Editor & Publsher mentions that Richard Thompson is taking his Cul-de-Sac comic strip into daily syndication. Does this mean the end of Richard's Poor Almanac?

Gene Weingarten: Nope. That will still be the Sunday version of the strip, and we will still run it.

_______________________

Chest starers: You've got to be kidding me. This still goes on? And please will some woman explain to me why she would allow this to continue for anything over two seconds? Are my fellow women so docile and afraid of confrontation that they are just going to stand stare? Man, this depresses me.

If some guy decides to grope you, are you just going to let him because you can't think of something clever to say? Get some backbone! You don't have to be clever or creative or even nasty and mean. A simple, "Um, Bob?" and an expectant look until they look you in the face. You know, just what you would do if someone you were talking to was staring off in another direction. You'd stop to get his attention before continuing. Sheesh!

Gene Weingarten: I can't speak for women here, but I am thinking that in most cases, there is some subtlety to the peeking act, and plausible deniability, and who wants to create tensions with coworkers, and/or come off as a prune or shrew?

Right?

_______________________

Voicemail, Inc.: For those who have sprint phones/plans, you can hit '1' and by pass all that stupid message stuff and just get right to the beep. Other services don't seem to have this and it drives me crazy. I gotta use 30 secs of my minutes to listen to them say crap I already know.

Gene Weingarten: Does this have something to do with their wanting to maximize the time you spend on the phone?

_______________________

Laurel, Md.: On Thursday Bush was photographed drinking a beer at the G8 Summit. On Friday he was reported to be "under the weather" (hungover?).

Do you think Bush has fallen off the wagon?

Gene Weingarten: Well, um, if he was drinking a beer, he has fallen off the wagon, no?

_______________________

Springfield, US: So you liked the Pickles? It reminded me of Grandpa Simpson's great rambling story that he uses as a weapon to bore youngsters to death:

"... like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Give me five bees for a quarter,' you¿;d say."

"Now where were we? Oh yeah -- the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn¿;t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."

Gene Weingarten: I know a man whose stories all sound like that.

_______________________

re: Chat Appropriateness: I would like to say that I have not been offended by the content of recent chats.

I would also like to suggest the addition of pictures, and/or possibly live video.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

_______________________

Twenty-nine years old: I was impressed with your ability to describe those hand gestures in the poll. You're an idiot in a lot of ways (plain hot dogs) but you continue to impress me with your writing skills. Or is that all with Tom the Butcher's assistance.

One quibble: I think your "Dylan and Brendan" cultural touchstone is skewed by the fact that 90210 ran in syndication. I'm sure the kids have seen it.

Gene Weingarten: I think the plain hot dogs myth that Chatwoman started is going to live forever, like the thing about Richard Gere and gerbils, or that Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite.

_______________________

Falls Church, Va.: I wanted to respond to a question you raised last week. Why would people object to saying that African Americans are great athletes. After all it is a compliment. Well I can think of several reasons:

1. Being good, really good, professionally good at athletics is often something that you do when you have no other choices. For example, in the 1910's and 1920's you could make a similarly self evident statement that Jews are really good at boxing.

2. Having a reputation of being naturally good at atletics encourages many kids to assume that they can make a living at it so they over commit to athletics as a way to "make it" to the exclusion of other investments in their future (like studying). In the short term it makes them much better athletes, in the long run they may be left with nothing. If you've seem the movie "Hoop Dreams" you know exactly what I am taking about.

3. Even for those who make it as athletes it takes some of the accomplishment away. The classic example is Magic Johnson who being black was, of course, naturally great, while Larry Bird worked hard practiced all the time. Another example: sure blacks are natural athletes, but that doesn't mean they can play quarterback, where you need people who work hard and study the game.

-I think this factor applies to most "positive" stereotypes, regardless of the group. After all if Asians are naturally good at math and Jews make good lawyers, it certainly takes something away from your personal accomplishment and all the hard work you put into it.]

4. The impact on kids who are not African American. Clearly by reputation and statistics African Americans are better at basketball than white Americans. I believe that part of it is that white kids are convinced they "can't compete" against them so they choose other sports. Some of those kids would likely make the NBA if they didn't give up and go play baseball or football or something else. It can't be that whites can't play basketball, they do at avery high level. Last year's MVP and this year's likely MVP are both white - its just that they are Canadian and German.

So you can say that African Americans are great athletes and mean nothing but good things by it but the larger culture still makes it a problem.

Gene Weingarten: This is in reference to a question I asked in last week's updates: Why does a compliment to an enthnic group tend to be interpreted, perversely, as a slur? It's not limited to blacks as athletes or entertainer.

I think some of your arguments are wrong (number one) and others are diffuse and off the point (two and four) but you nailed it with number three. I think you're right: It subtly belittles the achievement if you ascribe it to an ethnic trait; in the same sense, it sort of reeks of sour grapes. It's a really good observation.

_______________________

Person, AL: Don't let them do it!! I rely on this chat. I'm gen-X, but my mother apparently was some sort of Victorian throwback. The only reason I found out about beige bras and flushing with my feet was because of this chat. I need this window into everyone else's private life.

Gene Weingarten: Okay!

_______________________

Irony: Is this ironic? Alanis Morissette made me incapable of making the distinction, so I figured you were the guy to ask.

In response to a federal court saying that the FCC's indecency regulation was arbitrary, the FCC Chairman released this statement (note that I edited the statement; the actual press release includes the actual words):

"Today, the Second Circuit Court of Appeals in New York said the use of the words -F] and -S] by Cher and Nicole Richie was not indecent."

Now the whole justification for fining the networks in the first place was because we shouldn't be exposing the children to such language. But then this guy goes and plasters such language all over government letterhead. Irony?

Gene Weingarten: Nope. It would have been ironic if they HADN'T used the words, in a press release declaring them not indecent.

_______________________

Workingfromho, ME: Gene. I'm the guy from last week whose girlfriend made get an HIV test. I got the results! "Indeterminate!!" (I added the exclamation points. The results just said "indeterminate".) Isn't that a kick in the nards? I have to get tested again in 4 weeks. The doctor said, "Eh, you're not in a high risk group. I doubt you have HIV." Here are my questions for you...

1. Should I call the one girl I've had sex with in the past 14 months and ask her to get tested?

2. You ever heard of this?

Oh, and for what it's worth, you and I know each other. (We've never slept together.)

Gene Weingarten: Is there someone with HIV experience out there who can either reassure this guy or give him the serious heebeejeebies?

_______________________

Poll amusemeNT: Early poll taker here, and I am quite proud to be one of only five (as of this writing) who know what ETAOIN SHRDLU is. However, I admit that I was unfamiliar with all of those gestures and did not know who Brandon and Dylan are. What does this mean?

Gene Weingarten: It means you are so old you are nearly dead. That Etaoin one is a reliable indicator of folks over about 50.

_______________________

Towson, Md.: I like the fact that I never know where this chat will go from week to week, let alone from 12 to 1. Were the last few weeks over the top? I don't think so. Keep up the good work.

Gene Weingarten: We are getting too many of these. Is there NO ONE out there who either was offended by last week, or thinks it is limiting the reach of this chat? I'd really like to hear from you.

_______________________

Just one woman's opinion: Given the general tastes of the public, do you feel as though, in general, the size of the potential audience for this chat is being limited by my willingness to entertain this sort of discussion?

Gene, I think that by entertaining discussion on these topics, you're actually broadening your audience. There are surely countless people who, although they wouldn't make an effort to participate in a chat devoted to "humor," would definitely tune in to a chat about these topics. You mentioned that women don't talk to their menfolk about these sorts of things. In addition, at least among my circle of friends, we don't talk about these things with other women, either. So where do women turn when they want to know whether or not they are the ONLY ONES who do X, Y, or Z? Why, to your chat, of course! Everything is fair game here, which is freeing AND serves an intellectual purpose as well.

Gene Weingarten: Sigh.

_______________________

Richmond, Va.: Enough with the tampons. A few mentions were funny, but now it's just yucky.

Gene Weingarten: Okay. More.

_______________________

Interminab, LE: Yes, like you I HATE HATE HATE HATE those idiotically redundant and overly long automated answering machine prompts.

I believe they are a Verizon thing. That is, if you own a Verizon cell phone or have Verizon for your home phone service and foolishly choose the automated greeting (I guess some people feel shy about having their own voice on tape), that is the greeting you get.

I do not have Verizon for my cell or home service, but it wouldn't matter: My voicemail greeting is friendly but to the point. This madness must stop.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, but many phones have your recorded answer and THEN that recorded crap. My daughter's messages says: "Hi. I'm Molly. Leave a message." THEN I have to suffer through 15 seconds of crap.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene, I wanted to write and tell you that you have become an integral part of my marriage. Between jobs and kids we don't get a lot of downtime to spend with each other. But every Tuesday we both head over here to read and participate in this chat. And every once in a while we recognize each other when you post something one of us has written. It's a fun way to do something together even when we're sitting on opposite sides of the city. So thanks for playing your part.

Gene Weingarten: Aww. It's like lovers on opposite sides of the earth, feeling close when they are looking at the same moon.

Oooh, moon. Appropriate.

_______________________

Bel Air, Md.: As I was acting out poll question no. 9 while sitting in my cube at work, it was just as I started to bring my arm towards my chest as I realized what I was about to do and I got a pained expression on my face that took several minutes to go away. I know for sure that I did that growing up and boy does it seem inappropriate now! I'm a 25 year-old female -- and I'm shocked at how few in the over 40 crowd know what it is.

Gene Weingarten: We didn't have it, honey. It was news to me. Our kids didn't do it in front of us. I asked Molly to demonstrate for me, and I'd never seen it before.

_______________________

Old geezer with a typewriter: It is still early in the poll as I write this, but at the moment there are an awful lot of young whippersnappers out there who think it's impossible to have a typewriter without a numeral "1."

For extra credit, kids, see if you can figure out how we used a typewriter to make an exclamation point. And yes, there WERE typewriters without exclamation points. You had to construct one out of the available characters.

(Gene, I hope you remember this.)

Gene Weingarten: Sadly, yes I do!

Anyone want to guess?

(tickticktick)

We would type an apostrophe, then backspace, and type a period.

The (heheh) key to all this parsimony is that manual typewriters had to limit the number of keys; the more keys, the more of a chance that keys would collide and mash together.

Gad, I am old.

The reason the QUERTY keyboard seems so random, vis a vis letter distribution is that the most-used keys (e, i, a, etc.) needed to be placed apart from each other, to eliminate the chances of their colliding on their way up to the page.

Indirectly, this is a clue to the answer to the Etaion question.

Gene Weingarten: Er, QWERTY.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: By the way, you can stop asking about the Sopranos. I didn't see it. Have no opinions.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I wasn't offended at least week's chat topic, but I did see it as being at the top of a slope that I was afraid of it tumbling down. The good taste of Gene, the posters and the moderators prevented it from doing so, but I don't know if it was a master stroke or a total accident.

I felt like I was having a conversation with a longtime friend about a sensitive subject. Having been part of these things for years, I was comfortable with that. But I would never consider having the same conversation with someone I just met. I would imagine a first-time reader might have been appalled.

Gene Weingarten: You thought it could have gotten ... worse?

_______________________

Tampon talk: I am a woman with a pretty good sense of humor, but the column was beginning to skeeve me out a little.

It was also bothersome because it seemed, I don't know, a little unprofessional, like you were indulging yourself -- or kinda bush league, like writing a column that's full of "I" this, and "I" that, that beginning reporters do. Yes, I said bush league.

Gene Weingarten: Dang. EYE wanted to point out that you said bush league.

_______________________

Crossing the li, NE: You're right, and Tom the Butcher and the inestimable Liz are wrong. I have what I think is a pretty prudish radar for these things -- I am, for instance, creeped out fairly regularly by some of the things discussed on popular radio shows -- and I thought that the flexing discussion was on the good side of the line. There was no discussion of body parts or sub-parts, and no one was criticized or humiliated because of their processes or their products.

The same is true, incidentally, of previous discussions of intimate topics such as showering and wiping. I suppose, in this case, the discussion is justified by means and not ends.

So to speak.

Gene Weingarten: Aw, EYE wanted to say that you said "ends."

_______________________

Sin City: Obviously the husband who came home shaved from a business trip in Vegas got crabs. You had to get that right away, Gene. Or did you just not want to say it?

Gene Weingarten: I didn't want to say it. I wanted you to say it.

_______________________

Virginia Beach, Va.: Regarding question no. 3: Does NOBODY solve cryptograms any more? Well, I guess I've watched enough Wheel of Fortune to know that people in general aren't so smart about letter frequency... but I must be geekier than even I had realized.

Gene Weingarten: You sort of get it, but not really. Etaoin Shrdlu has a very specific connotation to people of a certain age.

_______________________

More thoughts on abortion: I read the other day that Sam Brownback gave a speech to some conservative Christian group, and he said something about how abortion was wrong even in cases of rape.

I'm solidly pro-choice, and I think Sam Brownback is a scary little rodent. However, I have more respect for his position than I do for people who say they oppose abortion except for cases of rape or incest. If you think abortion murders an innocent child, the circumstances of the child's conception should be immaterial. What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: I totally agree. I think categorically opposing abortion because you consider it murder REQUIRES you to oppose it in cases of rape or incest. If the person feeling this way is a politiian, it is disgusting political expediency. If the person feeling this way is a civilian, he or she hasn't really thought it through very clearly.

You could argue that incest raises the possibility of serious genetic defects, however, if you truly believe that abortion is always wrong, even in the case of detectable fetal abnormality, then that argument disappears, too.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: My wife is the person who posted about talking to each other through your chat. I recognized it right away. I love her.

washingtonpost.com: Sheesh. Get a room already.

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

_______________________

Old typewriters: I remember my family typewriter had a "cents" key as one of the punctuation marks from shifting a numeral. I was I could figure out what has taken its place on modern keyboards.

Gene Weingarten: I believe it is the "at" key. Or maybe not. I definitely remember the cents key.

_______________________

Worse:...Last week's discussion could have gotten worse if it hadn't had a whole air of fun and respect. Yes, respect. There were no posts like "girls are gross."

Gene Weingarten: See, I was comfortable with it because it was the girls doing the talking. And I LOVED that the guys fell silent. They did. They knew when to shut up, sit back, and enjoy themselves.

_______________________

In Respon, SE:"Given the general tastes of the public, do you feel as though, in general, the size of the potential audience for this chat is being limited by my willingness to entertain this sort of discussion? "

Since I was one of the professional, six-figure-income women who provided ejection info, I probably have eliminated myself from Tom's "reasonable people" list ...and I know I'm off of Liz's as a result of the Wildfire/I'm On Fire topic.... but -- I think the potential audience defined itself long ago to the extent that no topic you have broached will further limit it and no refraining from specific topics will increase it. I was far more queasy about the abortion discussion than about the tampon/splaying/stereotype ones (and, while I am pro-choice, I DO think that one may have crossed the line into "advocating violence", at least for some folks, given many people's perspective on the issue).

Gene Weingarten: Interesting!

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I didn't know what Etaoin Shrdlu was, but I googled it right after taking the poll. If you knew what it was, I'm sorry, but you're old.

Gene Weingarten: Well, yes. Agreed.

_______________________

Lakewood, Colo.: Please explain the gravity-defying feat of wearing pants below the butt. As my teenage daughter has pointed out, I am in my early 50s and haven't much time left. Before I reach the grave, I must know!

Gene Weingarten: I don't know. And I want to know. I saw three kids walking abreast the other day, and all three had pants below the centerline of their butt cheeks? It looks hilariously stupid, but I don't get the physics of it. Is there Velcro?

_______________________

Conch Republic: Assertion.

Gene Weingarten: Caustic denunciation of assertion, followed by dismissive ad hominem attack.

_______________________

Everywhere, USA:"Gene Weingarten: By the way, you can stop asking about the Sopranos. I didn't see it. Have no opinions."

Thank God for sanity. Can we also ignore Paris Blah Blah?

washingtonpost.com: But I want to talk about how she'll deal with her period in jail!

Gene Weingarten: Do you think she's an "ejecter"?

_______________________

Ithaca, N.Y.:"Why does voicing a positive stereotype about a group imply an unsaid negative stereotype? Someone explain. I'm not saying this doesn't happen; I am wondering why it happens. When I was about ten or eleven, my mother remarked that black people tended to be excellent athletes and entertainers. I remember thinking that she was implying that they are "only" good athletes and entertainers, and she may well have been. But why do we make that poisonous assumption?"

What you are asking about is called "conversational implicature" by linguists, and was put forth as a theory by Grice. In a nutshell, a great deal of what is communicated in everyday conversation is actually unsaid. Grice proposed a way to explain how speakers glean this unspoken information. One of his "maxims" is that listeners assume that a speaker will tell the whole truth as they understand it. Example: When I tell you that I have three kids, you understand that to mean that I have ONLY three kids, and no more. If you were to later find out that I actually have 5 kids, you would (rightly) think that I had been consciously deceptive, even though it is not technically false to say that I have three. I don¿;t have to say, "I have only three kids" to convey this. All I have to say is "I have three kids" and conversational implicature does the rest.

So back to your mother's statement that black people tend to be good athletes and entertainers. The fact that she did not state that they also tend to be respected academics conversationally implies that she did not believe this to be the case.

I wonder how many linguists read your chat, and how many versions of this explanation you'll receive.

Gene Weingarten: This is interesting, but weird. So if I say that my boss is a fair-minded person, you may presume that I think he is also, probably, a pederast?

_______________________

Washington, DC: A few years ago I downloaded this program that made my computer sound like a manual typewriter - right down to the clacks, dings, and that nice whirring sound when you hit the return lever.

The kids didn't get it, but those of us old enough to remember the real thing thought it was great.

Gene Weingarten: I would love to secretly install that in my computer and wait till my kids use it. Any idea where you found it?

Do you yoots even have any idea how the old manuals worked? When you were approaching the end of a line of type, the typewriter would ding to let you know you had to hit the carriage return, which was a hook you snared with your left forefinger, and manually dragged the carriage back to the left. Uh, the carriage was the roller on which the page was seated. It moved as you typed, advancing the page one letter width per keystroke.

If you were at the end of the line, and hadn't returned the carriage, the typewriter would stop. To finish the word, or hyphenate it, you had to hit a keythat gave you a few more letters of space. Does anyone recall the name of that key? I don't.

_______________________

Section 506 (After moving): Gene,

It is over two months into the season and it has been long enough. What do you think of the Nationals this year? Were you a "historically bad" beliver at the beginning of this year? Do you pay attention still? Do they still have your heart? Given that your Yanks are worse than expected and the Nats are better than expected, do you attend many games at RFK? What do you think of the new stadium prices? Think you still snag the best seat in the house?

In short: it's been too long since you commented on the local team, what sort of baseball fan are you?

Also, do you realize what a treasure the Post has in Barry Svrluga? His Nationals Journal, his podcasts, and his beat work is all top-notch. Tell Chatwoman to get a link to it with all the other blogs on the mainpage.

Gene Weingarten: Consonant man is the best. As good as they come.

I have been to only one game this year, and the Nats won. I'm a fan but they are not in my heart yet. I will get infected when they assemble a truly competitive team, which may well be next year.

In response to a question in someone else's blog at the beginning of the season, I predicted 58 wins. I think I underestimated. They might hit 70.

_______________________

Poll Dance: Posting early, because when I post late it misses the chat for some reason.

Wasn't Etaoin Shrdlu that mischievous imp in the Superman comics? Small magical guy, white hair, little hat?

Gene Weingarten: Mr. Mxyzptlk.

(Barry Svrluga's godfather.)

_______________________

Pat the Perfect, ME: re etaoin shrdlu: I think that familiarity with that group of letters is going to skew more toward journalists of a certain age -- my hunch is that you'd have to be of a much more certain age to know it from general discourse.

Gene Weingarten: Basically, Pat, you have to be my age, or a journalist of 40 or older. I will explain shortly.

Pat does EVERYTHING shortly.

_______________________

Arlington, Va.: I think the topic choices may limit the audience for this chat.

However, I think that the bigger issue is that people find you, Gene, off-putting. Being a proud, intentional elitist who admits to being "willfully cruel" on occasion is necessarily going to shrink your audience.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

_______________________

Feminine Hi Gene: I'm a 54 yr old man and I have to confess that some of the more vivid accounts of feminine hygene skeeve me out to a certain extent. But, not enough for me to stop visiting your chat. I do know a few people that would be offended and would not participate in the chat -- but they don't do your chat anyway. So, I think you should be able to talk about any topics you like, no strings attached. Or with strings attached -- whatever you prefer.

Gene Weingarten: You said strings!

_______________________

Farifax, Va.: What's your opinion on the phrase "multiple orgasms"? My friend says it is redundant. One either has "an orgasm," or "orgasms." I think the "multiple" is a useful part of the phrase because it stresses the rapidity and intensity of the experience.

I figure that if anyone can opine intelligently on this matter, it is you.

Gene Weingarten: From a strictly definitional standpoint, "multiple" means more than two. So it is clarifying the situation. But it also makes it clear that you are talking about several during a single sexual experience, which is not necessarily true if you omit the word.

_______________________

Silver Spring, Md.: The margin release key.

Gene Weingarten: There ya go.

_______________________

Our Pride and Joy: Our distinguished President said, "This process has been drug out a long time" referring to the vote of no-confidence in AG Fredo. Gene, I'm unclear on the past perfect of "drag"; isn't it "done been dragged?" Can PtheP clear this up?

Gene Weingarten: I think it was Ty Cobb who used to say that he slud into third.

_______________________

Comic edit, OR: When a new comic is taken up by a paper does it usually get the comic in current sequence? Our newspaper, mirabile dictu, picked up PBS, but it's at least a year behind. Does it cost less this way? Is there any sane reason for this?

What say you, o' might arbiter o' comics?

Gene Weingarten: Sometimes, it is kind to the readers to pick a strip up in a week or month where the general storyline and characters are better explained. Then you leap to the current time.

With the comic strip my son and I are working on, we are going to recommend that any newspaper picking it up after the launch date begin with weeks one through four. It's a complicated storyline, and the relationships between the characters are complex, and those first few weeks will be helpful.

_______________________

Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

Much of this was predictable. Some of it is heartening. Some is not.

It's kind of inspiring that the older you are the more you are likely to know the meaning of wog. It is a vile racial epithet, used to describe someone of Indian-Pakistani descent. I think racist terms are slowly leaving our vernacular. I bet the younger of you guys don't know the meaning of sheeny or kike either. Maybe we are civilizing, as a people.

Alas, then there is question 9, the gesture known to huge numbers of you yoots, and virtually unknown to the elders. It is a very rude gesture, birthed in the schoolyard, refined over time, used to comment upon someone (sometimes the speaker) who has done something stupid. Is a rough approximation of the mental and physical attitude of someone with developmental disabilities. It is bad.

I found it utterly charming that the young'uns flatly didn't believe, even after I had stated it as a fact, that there once was no number one on a typewriter.

The thing that surprised me the most was the ubiquitous understanding of the "loser" sign to the forehead. I didn't know it. Was this is some big movie, or something? What accounts for the fact that even the farts knew this? My wise friend Horace LaBadie suggests it is indicative of an interesting sociology: The older people still strive to be hip, whereas "Gen-Xers don't make a similar effort to learn their cultural patrimony." It's true. Look at what the young people did not know here.

It is a very good thing that the yoot and the elders were largely unaware of Brandon and Dylan, two characters in 90210. Why is it good? Because this dreadful show has not persisted in pop culture. It is known only to those upon whom it was inflicted.

Etaoin Shrdlu is an interesting thing: As late as 1965, virtually every literate American knew what this was. In the old newspaper linotype machine, which was electric, there was no need to separate the most commonly used letters. So the first two columns of keys were arranged precisely in the order of frequency of the letters: ETAOINSHRDLU.

Sometimes, when a linotype operator was working on copy, he would hit a typo. It ruined the whole line, which was set in lead. There was no reason to continue the line, but he had to, to get to the end of it. So he would just run his fingers over the keys, to produce etaoinshrdlu. Then he was supposed to hit another key that told the machine to throw out that line of type. Sometimes he forgot to hit that key.

So etaoin shrdlu was something people used to see, randomly, in the newspaper, from time to time.

Two thoughts: I would sell my stock in any watch company. They're on the way out. And I'd use the proceeds to buy some blue jean stock Three to one, through all age groups. Amazingly solid.

_______________________

Last Week's Chat: No, I was not offended (also, I am a woman). However, I think it went past the "not safe for work (NSFW)" boundaries and there should have been a warning somewhere, since your chat takes place midday on Tuesdays and most of your audience is sitting in a government cubicle somewhere.

I did, however, pull up the rest of the chat at home later that evening and read it.

Gene Weingarten: B-but, it was not loud or graphic. Do you have people looking over your shoulder, literally?

_______________________

Cavemen Shaving: You probably know this already, but the book about razors that you mentioned in your column actually describes a series of "B.C." strips from way back. If I recall, Wiley (the peg-leg one) sticks his head in a fire, there's a big "POOF", and he pulls out his now bald and clean-jawed head and says "I've invented shaving!"

Gene Weingarten: I remember this!

_______________________

The Chat: So if chatwoman would have been here last week, none of this would have ever happened and we'd never have all that great information in our heads.... scary thoughts... scary.

Gene Weingarten: I think that's true. She would not have passed some of those posts on to me. Right, Liz?

_______________________

Margin Release: said

Mar

Rel

on the key

Gene Weingarten: Correct.

_______________________

Bush beer: The beer shown in the picture I've seen is a Buckler - a brand of non-alcoholic beer.

Gene Weingarten: Aaaaah. Thank you. Makes sense. Apologies to George.

_______________________

Tamp, ON: Would it have been worse if the topic of discussion was essentially the same, but instead of tampons, we were talking about ping pong balls? Not that I would know anything about that...

For the record, as a gay man, that whole area of the female anatomy sorta skeeves me out...

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I did not use a couple of ping pong ball posts last week, now that I think about it.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Gene,

Serious question, sorry. I just got married. I don't want to change my name. My husband wants me to "at least" hyphenate, and is pretty hurt (although he realizes it is irrational) that I don't want to change it. While the hyphenated name wouldn't be a total tongue-twister, it seems silly for me to always have to say that extra syllable, spell out my name to people, explain it, etc., just so that he feels more comfortable and that people in general know that I am married to him. I really don't want to hurt his feelings and I feel terrible that it does, but I feel strongly about keeping my family name. What should I do? Is hyphenating really a compromise? I'd still have to go through the whole process of a name change.

Also, I've found it very interesting that while so far most of the males in my life have not questioned my decision, many female friends (mid-20s) tend to argue with me about it and ask me why I'm not changing it. What's up with that?

Gene Weingarten: This is not your husband's business. Don't change your name.

Or, wait. Sure, hyphenate it. But insist that he does, too. That he gets new driver's license, etc.

I think that will end his objection.

_______________________

Greensboro, N.C.: Gene- what present day commonly-accepted medical treatments will people 50-100 years from now look back on and think we were insane to use? I think it will be the overuse of pharmaceuticals like antibiotics and anything that has the side effect of anal leakage. Thoughs?

Gene Weingarten: Virtually everything will look primitive. Some things will look horrifying.

A hundred years from now, I am guessing most cancer surgery will look like butchery. Also, probably, all chemotherapy.

_______________________

Middle-age Ma, MA: I will be 32 in a month. I knew what all the hand gestures meant.

I thought I knew what a "wog" was, but you don't have it listed as a possible answer. It's what a fwog sits upon, according to my three-year-old son.

Gene Weingarten: That's better than the weal answer.

_______________________

Chattanooga, Tenn.: Re: Saturday New York Times Crossword

Absolutely the hardest one there is. I can complete Sunday's in 20 minutes, tops, and that's just because my typing is not as fast as my writing (I do the puzzle online) but Saturday's can last 45 minutes to an hour, and that includes cheating (i.e., looking up answers on the Internet).

Question: Do YOU ever cheat on the puzzle?

Gene Weingarten: Very rarely, and when I do, I do not feel I "solved" it.

_______________________

Alexandria, Va.: I didn't know ETAOIN SHRDLU but I do know Lorem ipsum.

--30-year-old babe

Gene Weingarten: So do I!

_______________________

Brownback's abortion stance and rape: I'm pro-choice, but one COULD justify banning abortion for consensual sex but not for rape under the following grounds:

A woman, by having consensual sex, consents to the possibility of pregnancy and may not withdraw her consent after it's too late. (Note: this is where I disagree - sex is not explicit enough consent, has other purposes besides conception, and too much can change in the nine months of pregnancy to justify not allowing a woman to change her mind when and if her circumstances change.)

However, with rape, she did not give consent to the implantation of the fetus inside her, and therefore may legitimately remove her support of it.

Gene Weingarten: So MURDER is the appropriate remedy for that unfairness? No.

_______________________

Carrboro, N.C.: So I was traveling for work the other day and drove through a little town in rural North Carolina that had the following church: "Remainder of His Seed Ministries."

Now, I am a good Catholic. But it seems to me that the only appropriate slogan for this church (I don't know what denomination) is "Jesus is Coming."

I'm asking for a good smiting, but I'm okay with that.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

_______________________

Detroit, Mich.: Here's a perfect anecdote to go with your poll. I was walking with my mom, who's 53, and she said, "What time is it? I don't have my watch." She had her cell phone in her hand at the time.

Gene Weingarten: Precisely. I never look at my cell for the time.

_______________________

Not quite:"Gene Weingarten: I think it was Ty Cobb who used to say that he slud into third."

Dizzy Dean used to say "slud."

Dean was the quintessential country bumpkin at a time when rural areas had bumpkins.

Cobb was an articulate, well-educated man in light of his time and place.

Gene Weingarten: You're right. Dizzy Dean.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: I'm 49, and the only reason I know the meaning of "wog" is that it is included in the lyrics of Randy Newman's "Sail Away." Even so, the person who introduced me to Randy Newman had to explain the meaning of "wog" to me.

Gene Weingarten: It's also uttered by Sean Connery in one of the bluntly funniest movie moments ever, in "The Man Who Would Be King." Of course, that was 1975 so it probably doesn't help the young uns much.

I'm surprised you didn't know it, though, at your age.

_______________________

Cedar Falls, Iowa: Although this question is in no way related to humor, this is the only place I can think of to get an answer.

It's getting warm and humid, and unfortunately it's time to run the air conditioning. If I adjust my thermostat to make my house cooler, am I turning the air conditioning down or up? I'm never sure which word to use. It seems to me that you can make a case for using either one. I was hoping that some sort of consensus could be reached during the chat.

Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: You are adjusting the air conditioner down, but you are turning the air conditioning up.

Thanks for asking. I've also wondered the same thing, and your question gave me the opportunity to think about it, and state the Truth for eternity.

_______________________

washingtonpost.com: That's probably right, I would not have chosen the exact same set of questions to send over. But I would've given you other interesting posts that would have provided an equally enriching, if not as gruesome, discussion. Like questions about RLS or celebrities.

Gene Weingarten: And I would have been free to use them or not!

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: My issue with last week's discussion, and the "foot flushing" discussion, and "poop shame" discussion is this: these people believe stupid things. Taking them seriously is a bad thing, and only encourages them. In addition, it draws others into delusion-world with them.

For demographic purposes: female, 40.

Gene Weingarten: Huh? WHAT people believe stupid things?

_______________________

Loser: The "loser" sign was in the movie Jerry McGuire. That's the reason your 40+ female audience knows it.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Thank you.

_______________________

This is not your husband's business. Don't change your name. : Great answeres Gene.

I never changed my name. My husband acted "hurt" for a few minutes. I explained it was part of who I was and if he wanted to marry me, he got the package deal.

I like the question of if he'd change his name; maybe he coudl see how it affects one's sense of self.

Gene Weingarten: See, to me, that's the big deal. I know many women who are feminists, and strong willed, and modern and whatnot who have changed their name, and I still don't get it.

Why the guy change his (expletive) name to hers?

_______________________

Cubeland, DC: Re: AC

THANK YOU. My husband and I have been having this argument for 12 years. And I win!

Gene Weingarten: You're welcome.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Chest starers: You've got to be kidding me. This still goes on?

Then don't give me something to look at. My pants are baggy and loose. Don't highlight them and we won't have anything to look at. You dress so that they are obvious then get mad at us for noticing. Probably upset you more if we didn't look.

washingtonpost.com: Could you pinch my butt while you're at it?

Gene Weingarten: Thank you, Liz.

_______________________

Richmond, Va.: What is the license plate version of the aptonym? Last week, I was cut off by a little red sports car. The vanity plate? "GENUIS"

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaha. I wonder if that was deliberate?

_______________________

Boston, MA: This one is for Chatwoman (I hope she's back)--I have been very recently introduced to the "joys" of Restless Leg Syndrome (pregnancy related, or so I'm told). I can't really take any drugs for it -- is there anything that you've discovered that works at 3:00 in the morning when you can't even sit down and watch TV? Have you ever tried acupuncture? I'm really desperate -- I can count the number of full night's sleep I've had recently on one hand.

Thanks for any advice, and thanks for bringing the Chat back, Gene. We just moved away from D.C. to Boston, and this keeps me in touch with what I still think of as home (I have to say that the baseball is better, though...).

washingtonpost.com: Pregnancy can bring on temporary RLS. Something to do with iron levels, I'm told. Aside from power-eating some spinach, the only solution might be to adjust your sleep schedule if you're able. Stay up later and excercise. Also, you might find ask your doc if you can take a small dose of a dopamine agonist once you're through your first trimester.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

_______________________

Commonwealth of Virginia: Wry but genuine defense of assertion and rejection of refutation. Self-deprecating post-script demonstrative of wit and perspicacity.

Gene Weingarten: Gratuitous, non-sequitur reference to body part.

_______________________

Name Change: Mayor Villaraigosa and his wife were Mr. Villar and Ms. Raigosa before they married. They made a new name for both of them.

Gene Weingarten: And we all know about Nomar Garciaparra, right? The ultimate weirdness.

His father was Ramon Garcia. His mother's name was Parra.

Nomar is Ramon spelled backwards.

_______________________

Not exactly offended, but...: People who read this chat I suspect are a kind of folk who wouldn't be overly offended. I like your chats (being a recent joiner), but perhaps the question is whether it would be offensive to the average WP reader. In that sense I can see that T the B would have cause for concern.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

_______________________

Murder: Gene, stop with the murder already.

Abortion is not murder and those who have participated in abortion in the past should not be made to feel any more "guilty" about their decisions so you (or anyone) can try to make a point.

At some point, hopefully soon, there will be no need for abortion. Just Fetal Tranplant. I wonder how many of the anti-abortion crowd will sign up as recipients.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, do you read these chats? I am not equating abortion with murder. I feel quite the opposite.

_______________________

Scrabb, LE: Then how come "H" and "D" are good for more points than "R", "L", and "U" in Scrabble?

Gene Weingarten: Because Scrabble is illogical. The J is also overvalued. The B is undervalued.

_______________________

Washington, D.C.: Alas, but I have to agree with the poster who said you were being non-professional last week. Before your break when you would discuss such matters, there was a certain frisson - like you knew you were pushing the edge a little and getting away with something. A cheeky delight, if you will. Last week it felt more like you had been given the go ahead to discuss these topics. As a result the discussion seemed kind of flat and self-satisfied.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

_______________________

Veriz, ON: Okay, so maybe even if someone doesn't select the automated greeting they still get that verbal claptrap after their own greeting, but I don't have that on mine: Sprint for cell, Vonage for home. I think that only happens with Verizon unless someone knows better.

Gene Weingarten: Could be. I think we're all verizon here.

_______________________

Chat girl: Gene,

I just noticed that Amy Joyce's picture is a lot more easier on the eyes than your mug. By several orders of magnitude.

Gene Weingarten: Amy is actually a 75 year old shapeless hag. That's just the picture she uses. It's her niece or something.

_______________________

Downtown:"Then don't give me something to look at. My pants are baggy and loose. Don't highlight them and we won't have anything to look at. You dress so that they are obvious then get mad at us for noticing. Probably upset you more if we didn't look."

Are you kidding me?! I don't have overly large, but defintely not small (36C) breasts. I purposely dress at work so that they aren't on display - no low-cut shirts, alot of sweaters, even pin button up shirts to keep them from gapping. Yet, everyday there are stares. At work, on the metro, in the line at the cafe, everywhere.

Not that it should make a difference, but I'm in my mid-twenties and work with a bunch of older men.

Gene Weingarten: No one took his post seriously. Relax.

_______________________

For Washington, D.C. Re: Chest Starers: Look, butthead, I don't dress to emphasize them. I'm a 36DD. Short of wearing a burka, there is no way "they" are not noticeable.

Gene Weingarten: Enough, enough! The guy's a jerk, or baiting you. This is not an issue in question.

_______________________

Stereotyping: Gene, last week you asked why one would oppose even positive stereotyping. My response is that stereotyping denies people their individuality, which is inherently negative.

Gene Weingarten: Nah, we answered this before.

There is nothing wrong with noting the tendencies of a group. To refuse to do that is silly PC behavior.

_______________________

Chest stare: The fabulous Miss Manners settled this long ago. When a lady -- or for that matter a gentleman -- dresses in such a way as to show off a certain part of the anatomy, everyone is entitled to a glance -- but NO ONE is entitled to a stare. Sweep your eyes gracefully across the anatomy and then lock on to the eyes. The earlier sweep can look like you were merely glancing "in transit."

Gene Weingarten: Good point. There is actually a maneuver we guys use. It is a sweep, and it ALWAYS culminates looking at some distance far away.

But all women know this, right?

_______________________

Name change: I'm an upstanding, liberal guy -- I side with the ladies on almost every issue. However the ONE sexist position I maintain is the woman changing her name when getting married. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, socially, the whole confusion once kids come around and they don't have the same name as their mother (also, if you're listed on a sheet for some activity somewhere it's not apparent you're married/related). Second, hearkening back to the poetry discussion, it always makes me think of Browning's "My Last Dutchess" -- as terrible as it may seem, part of me thinks "she's spurning the gift of my name."

Gene Weingarten: Well, you are just flat wrong. Why are you the one giving the name? Is her lineage less important than yours? Why don't the couple take the name of the set of parents who make the most money, or something?

It's all nonsense.

And I can assure you that there is no confusiong among the children. Dan and Mol know who their mom is.

_______________________

People are crazy: This chat is the highlight of my day sometimes. At last week's chat, I laughed out loud at least 5 or 6 times. People who are complaining now are more than likely doing it for the sake of doing it. Obviously, most if not all of them stuck around for the whole thing. Also, we all learn a few things that are interesting but that no one wants to talk about. Keep it up, Gene. To T the B and Chatwoman, please don't move the "line" you seem to think was crossed. This chat is refreshing.

Gene Weingarten: This is not really about moving a line. No one is ordering me to do anything. It's just a discussion among colleagues.

_______________________

Houston, Tex.: I just wanted to say thanks for this chat. After your hiatus, I appreciate it even more, and look forward to it and the updates all week.

I really appreciate it.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, well, first the bad news: No updates this week.

Next, the worst news: We're skipping the next two or three weeks of chats. Starting again in July.

NO I'M NOT BEING PUNISHED.

The Dog Book deadline is upon me and I am taking a few weeks "vacation."

Sorry. Back, as promised, in early July. I swear.

_______________________

Pho, NE: Here's a generational one you may not have noticed:

(617) 555-1212

617-555-1212

617.555.1212

Gene Weingarten: Good!

_______________________

Long Name: Mia Hamm and Nomar Garciaparra are married. If they had a daughter, and kept the the naming convention, it would be Aim Garciaparahamm

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

_______________________

Editor's Note: washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions. washingtonpost.com is not responsible for any content posted by third parties.