John Kelly writes five times a week about the joys and annoyances of living in Washington. He aims to show readers the Washington (and Silver Spring, Alexandria, Manassas, Bowie ...) that they know and take them places they don't know. He wants to make them see familiar things in unfamiliar ways and unfamiliar things in familiar ways. ("We may occasionally end up seeing unfamiliar things in unfamiliar ways," John says, "but such are the risks of the job.") His columns take a cockeyed view of the place the rest of the planet knows as the Capital of the Free World but that we all call home. John rides the Metro for fun and once kidnapped an Irishman to see what made him tick.

Fridays at 1 p.m. ET John is online to chat about his columns and mull over anything that's on your mind.

Discussion Archives/ Recent Columns

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John Kelly: You might be incensed by Marion Barry avoiding jail time after failing to file his tax return--again. And yet there's something instructive about the whole episode. One lesson is public officials need not be held to a higher standard than a regular person. Just because they're in a position of trust doesn't mean they should behave any differently than thousands of other schlubs who forget to pay their taxes.

But the other takeaway when things like this happen is: Get me that lawyer! I mean, that Frederick Cooke is amazing. He didn't even mount a defense. Barry was right to thank him. Barry also thanked the judge and the lord. You wonder what the lord was thinking.

Columns this week? Answer Man kicked things off with a look at barges that float in the Potomac. I discovered the Bermuda Triangle not far from

Farragut Square. My assistant, Julie, visited with some kids are excited about

going to camp for the first time. I introduced you to a 16-year-old from Burke who renovated one of the

cabins at Moss Hollow. (Check out the video.) And yesterday we caught up with my favorite arch-villain,

Larry Small, ex-Smithsonian secretary.

Opps, look at the time. Let's go!

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knock knock: Are you there Mr. Kelly? It is 1pm, put down that banjo and start chatting.

John Kelly: I'm coming, I'm coming!

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Anonymous: So Marion Barry gets off the hook once again. Surprise, surprise (or, as Gomer Pyle used to say, shame, shame). Although he has been politically irrelevant for years he still manages to embarrass the city that elected him. I wonder if he and Dick Cheney might form a Obeying the Law is for Chumps club. Cheney, unfotunately, has a term of office to finish but there is no excuse for Barry to not just go away.

John Kelly: I would love to live the sort of life where I was capable of forgetting to pay my taxes, especially after I'd already gotten in trouble for not paying them. I mean, how is that even possible? Isn't filing your tax return sort of deeply ingrained from the time you're old enough to have a job? It's like a basic part of grown-up administrative hygiene. Suddenly remembering you hadn't filed them would be like suddenly remembering you hadn't showered in three months.

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Alexandria, Va.: Hi! What's your opinion on the latest craze with those UGLY Crocs??? It's bad enough that I have to look at overweight people in tight clothes but adding those deliberately ugly Crocs is more than enough I can take!

John Kelly: I think there's a time and a place for Crocs. I've never found myself at that place at that time, so I tend to agree with Robin Givhan:

"[Crocs] were perfect shoes for walking the dog. Gardeners found them both comfortable and functional. Did someone say comfortable? Because this is a culture quick to justify wearing virtually anything in the name of comfort -- pajama bottoms as pants, sneakers as business footwear, leggings in lieu of trousers, Uggs with miniskirts -- Crocs now rival flip-flops as the most annoyingly omnipresent style of summer footwear. City streets are inundated with shuffling phalanxes of men and women with bright orange, yellow and red Bozo feet."

And President Bush was spotted wearing a pair on the way to a bike ride. I have some sympathy for the president, who like the First Lady must expect to be photographed at any moment, and a momentary fashion faux pas or stray hair will be around the world in no time. But I'm not a Crocs fan myself. I tend to think that being fashionable means being uncomfortable, especially when it comes to shoes. You know, narrow toes and Cuban heels.

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Alexandria, Va.: Are you a feuilletonist?

John Kelly: Ooooh, I hope so. I don't know if my stuff is wispy enough to qualify, though. I wish it was.

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Bad Headline: The .com version of WaPo had this headline:

"CIA to Air Decades Worth Of Its Dirty Laundry"

Is such slang really the best leader into an article? This seems.... tabloidish. "Dirty Laundry" is slang, and carries certain connotations. Such connotations are likely to vary greatly, more perhaps than simple straightforward language.

If you were the editor, would you have approved such a headline?

John Kelly: Remember that the purpose of a headline is to get readers to read the article. It also must provide the briefest of overviews of the information the article includes. So, a headline such as the sort favored by high school SGA candidates--"Sex!!! (Now That I've Got Your Attention)"--may do the former but it doesn't do the latter. And a boring one like "Subcommittee Mulls Changes to Pension Plan" doesn't do the former. Who would want to read that story?

I think The Post headline does both things. The CIA director himself said most of the material in the soon-to-be-released documents is "unflattering." Sounds like dirty laundry to me. And "to Air" sounds lik the right verb.

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Alexandria, Va.: Somedays I have a hard time finding your column online. I pull down the Today's Editorials, Opinions and Columns tab and your name is not there, but there is a Marguerite Kelly who I assume is not your Friday alter ego. I get the print version, so no real worries on my part, but if I were you, I would demand my name be listed everyday - or at least put a request in.

John Kelly: I've found that the web site has been better about listing my column lately. There was a rough patch about a year ago, but things have improved. They only list columns in that drop down menu on days when that writer actually has a column. My column now runs Sunday through Thursday, so I'm not in the dropdown today, just as I'm not in the paper. One way to find me is to go to www.washingtonpost.com/johnkelly. That should have the most recent column, plus a few weeks' previous, and the little viewer that allows you to see the videos I've done. Bookmark it today!

No relation, by the way, between me and Marguerite, though some people assume she's my ma. Her son was Michael Kelly, the Post columnist who died in Iraq.

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Washington, D.C.: Hey John! Do you know if there is a section of the Post website that lists weekend street closings? Last weekend, I got stuck in 14th St Bridge construction traffic, then had to deal with a parade or somesuch on Constitution. I can never find out ahead of time what streets to avoid. I'd love to be able to check every Friday and plan accordingly. What to do? You're my last hope! (Well, not really, but you know...)

John Kelly: I couldn't find any on our Web site, though we do list them periodically in the Metro section. We also have that new commuter page that runs in Metro on Sundays. I don't know if it's been meaningfully digitized. I did find this DDOT page. Click through to the following pages to get current information.

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Washington, D.C.: John,

Can you remind me what the name is of the listserv that posted opinions about area home contractors? You know, the one that got hit with a lawsuit, which you mentioned in a column. I want to sign up for it and am drawing a complete blank on its name. Many thanks!

--New home owner in need of a good electrician, plumber, handyman, etc!

John Kelly: Congratulations on your new home. We know what you'll be doing every weekend for the rest of your life.

The web site that I wrote about is Angie's List. It's a fee-based membership service. You pay about $10 a month and you can access other members' evaluations and leave your own.

There's also Washington Consumer Checkbook. That's a quarterly magazine that also has an online component. They do actual research on the companies involved, by tabulating surveys from members. And don't forget neighborhood message groups and personal recommendations.

The important thing I learned from working on my columns about the controversial contractor is that it's vital to do due diligence, especially if you're going to be spending a lot of money. Check that the service provider is licensed, bonded and insured. Google the name and see what pops up. Good luck.

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washingtonpost.com: Raider of the Lost Artifacts (Post, March 22, 2007)

John Kelly: This was the first chapter in my Lawrence Small thriller, in case you missed it. I really need to work in the feathered headdress somehow....

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Daring Question: John, if you were offered to participate in Wife Swap, would you do it?

John Kelly: You mean the TV show? I might. And not because I'd be curious to see what kind of spouse I might get, but because I'd love to see what My Lovely Wife would do to her new family. She doesn't suffer fools gladly. Except for me.

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Arlington, Va.: John,

After spending the last two weekends in Baltimore and Annapolis, I've been lamenting the fact that DC's waterfront area is so unappealing and uninviting. While valid complaints can be made against both Baltimore and Annapolis (the Inner Harbor is basically "Tysons on the water"), the simple fact is that these areas have a vibrancy and attractiveness that is unmatched by anything that DC has to offer (Washington Harbor in Georgetown doesn't count).

Why is DC's waterfront so repugnant? Are there any plans to change it?

John Kelly: The biggest plan for the waterfront isn't in the part of the Potomac that's in the District, but up at National Harbor, in Prince George's County near the Wilson Bridge. I agree that the Washington portion of the river is underdeveloped. But there are reasons for that. Think of the nice vistas we get, from Arlington Cemetery across to the Lincoln Memorial and the Mall. And the view in the other direction. Or the expanse of green along Hains Point.Is there a way to get more out of the river, and bring people closer to it, without junking things up?

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Southwest Waterfront: Hi John,

Just curious, have you ever asked the IRS (or a judge for that matter) if it would be okay for you to just not file your tax returns? I'm guessing you haven't. I'm also guessing that if you were in such a position (not having paid your tax returns for something like 428 years) that you would be smart enough to go ahead and pay the back taxes in order to avoid jail time.

Then again, I guess you aren't Marion Barry who appears to get away with everything!

John Kelly: Well he did get caught on tape smoking crack and went to jail for that. (The smoking crack part, not getting caught on tape.) But his luck lately has been pretty good.

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Newspaperhum, OR: It was last week, I think, that the Style section ran a review of the Fantastic Four movie. Down where it tells you where to go for the rest of the story (you call that the jump, right?), it read like so:

See Four, C4, col. 3

I about fell out of my chair. Am I the only one?

John Kelly: Ha! I hadn't noticed that. That's funny. I don't know if it was on purpose or a lucky coincidence. We call stories by their "slugs," the name we give to the story in the computer system. That slug is usually what shows up on the "jump line," the text that tells you where to see the rest of the story. I suppose we could have gone with "See FANTASTIC." But if you'll recall the review, the message was "DON'T See FANTASTIC." It really got panned.

See, this is the sort of humor--"See Four, C4"--that will be lost when newspapers exist only on the web.

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Mt. Lebanon, Pa.: The best spoof of the Sopranos closer? That's easy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZC1jiwKMHc

Shown at PNC Park on the big scoreboard last week when the home team hosted the Texas Rangers. Keith Olbermann showed it, too.

Clue: They have pierogi races between one of the innings. "Meadow" is really Hanna Jalapeno and "A.J." is Oliver Onion (my personal favorite).

Clue2: The restaurant is a local legend: Ritter's.

Thanks much. HLB

John Kelly: Is there anyone left who HASN'T done a Sopranos spoof? I expect to see one on "SpongeBob SquarePants" soon.

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Metro Center: John - don't forget that work has begun on the Anacostia Riverwalk Trail. Yes, it will be a long term process, but we are gaining a LOT of access to undeveloped riverfront.

John Kelly: Oh yeah, that's right. It's a balance: commerce versus recreation versus unspoiled nature. But it will be nice to remind people that rivers such as the Anacostia and Potomac are more than just barriers to be overcome by motorists stewing on bridges.

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Washington D.C.: I was glad to finally learn that there was an intended use for Crocs-Boating. The compound used to make this foot wear is softer that tennis shoes, and readily go into the gaps on escalator steps. This sucks the shoe into the machine.In the past few weeks the public buildings that I have responsibility for has had three of these things get caught resulting once, in an injury. Keep them on boats and in gardens.

Thanks

John Kelly: Hear that, people? Good advice. [Say, shoot me an e-mail--kellyj@washpost.com--confidentiality guaranteed. That sounds like a good story. And I wonder if poor Metro, with its tempermental escalators, is experiencing the same thing.]

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Annandale, Va.: Has there been a ruling yet regarding Judge Fancy Pants and his $54 million dollar lawsuit?

John Kelly: I just checked the wires. I haven't seen anything yet. I'm sure we're monitoring the situation. There ought to be some signal--a quick succession of flares--announcing the verdict.

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Downtown D.C.: John - can you explain? Post Points. Post points are making me nuts.

The website gives errors messages more often than it actually loads. Points are not showing up. I'm a 7 day subscriber, yet I JUST got my card this week (and I had to request it).

And when I send email asking for help, I get back bland assurances that the error messages are my fault (not possible - I cannot create server errors on your end from here), and that I should just ignore them and have faith that I will get my points (but I don't get the points. Well, sometimes, but not consistently.).

I am rapidly becoming very annoyed with the entire process and that annoyance is spilling over onto the entire paper. While I know that's not fair - it's the points people that are incompetent, not all of you, so it goes.

When will this be fixed? Who can I complain to and get more than "not OUR fault" back?

John Kelly: I can't explain. I know that I've experienced a few bugs myself. Send me an e-mail and I'll forward it to the folks in the PostPoints posse, in the hopes they can offer assistance.

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Hungry: John, did you go to the Folklife Festival yesterday? I'm trying to find out what grub they are serving.

John Kelly: We've got a call into the festival folks. Last year they had their menu online. I can't find it this year, just a line that says "Meals, snacks and beverages representing the three programs will be sold at concession stands." The three cultures are the Mekong River, Northern Ireland and Roots of Virginia. Could be anything from boiled peanuts to pho.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Consumer's Checkbook - what a treasure! Recently had to bring my newish car to a body shop but couldn't get consistent recommendations. Stopped at the library, and pulled out Checkbook and sure enough, a review of local body shops. While the repair was still more than I had hoped, the staff was wonderful, the repair flawless and it was delivered a little earlier than promised and no more than the estimate. Yea to the magazine and your local public library!

John Kelly: Yes, it's a valuable resource, well worth the annual fee.

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Washington, D.C.: Marion Barry is why DC shouldn't have representation in Congress.

John Kelly: Oh right. Everyone else in Congress is so squeaky clean. I mean NO ONE takes money from lobbyists, chases after teenage Capitol pages, or keeps bricks of cash in the freezer.

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Smalls: The whole Smithsonian debacle has made me feel much less guilty about BYO'ing to their jazz in the garden events. Thanks Larry!

P.S. In most Commonwealth countries "smalls" is a laundry euphemism for "underpants"

John Kelly: I was obviously born with more shame than most people. Or perhaps it's timidity. I can't imagine saying the sorts of things that he said: that lack of first-class air travel would be a deal-breaker, that he didn't want details of his various financial arrangements publicized. Small had this sort of noblesse oblige mindset that I find absolutely foreign. But maybe that's why I have to cut coupons and mow my own lawn.

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Four C-4: Any baby stories in the C-section?

Hardee Harhar

John Kelly: Thank you for that, Mr. Harhar.

On a related note: Whenever I get a soda or a snack from the machines downstairs, I try to punch in an interesting number. Like, I like to order the soda that's in the C4 position, as if I was getting some plastique. Then there's E7, a guitar chord.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi, John! I'm feeling like a bowl of crap today, and there's about three hours left in my workday. I know I can't go home, so what excuse can I give to my co-workers who keep asking "what's wrong, are you okay?" Somehow, "I'm fine, just having gastric discomfort from both ends" sounds too blunt even for me.

John Kelly: How about, "Global warming's got me down"? Or "I'm just bummed about the Nationals' last home stand"? Or, and I think this one might actually work, "Somethings wrong with my iPod and I think I lost all my songs."

I know from whence I speak about that last one. Mine's on the fritz.

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MoCo nannies: Wow, we can soon look forward to seeing mandated nutrition info on our Bloomin' Onions here in the heart of the Food Notzi Nation.

John Kelly: Information is power. No one says you won't be allowed to eat your bloomin' onion once you know it has 3,800 calories, or whatever.

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Marion Barry's Taxes: But did he owe or was he due a refund? If it's the former, then whack away, but if it's the latter, why would we care?

The guy's reputation is entirely due to public knowledge of his sins of the flesh, he wasn't corrupt like most think. And your own publication wrote an article a few years ago about how PG County's huge influx of middle class residents over the past 25 years was largely due to Barry mandating that all contracts must have minority participation. And DC hasn't had a functioning summer teen job program since his tenure ended.

Hammer away if you will, but let's give the guy his due. Personally, I'll always love him for flipping the bird at a gathering of Ward 3 residents who were heckling him. The guy knew he didn't need them, and didn't bother with niceties. For what it's worth, I was a white resident of Ward 3 at the time, and most of my neighbors were insufferable boors.

John Kelly: We would care because, um, you're supposed to file a tax return, even if you don't owe money. It's like saying, "Who cares if he speeds while he's driving? He hasn't hit anybody." And while in his heyday Barry had a certain impressive energy, it's hard to see what's come of it beyond the things you mentioned. He was running things for years and helping PG county grow doesn't equate to turning the District around.

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Washington, D.C.: John, I understand there's an opening for a guard position at Walter Reed. I'm a very mild-mannered person, unless someone starts insulting my intelligence; then I'm liable to fly off the handle. Oh, I'm not a very good shot -- heck, I could probably fire at someone ten times and not hit him. Do you think this is the job for me?

John Kelly: I've been through that gate at Walter Reed. It may have been one of those guards who looked at my registration and waved me on. They have real weapons there. A few observations: "Retarded" is an awful word to use, and an awful thing to be called. But I don't see how it helps your case to respond to it by emptying a clip in your colleague's direction. Also, HE DIDN'T HIT HIM! Thank god, of course, but what kind of guards are we hiring if they can't even hit a target?

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D.C. vote: As a native of New Jersey, if DC shouldn't get a vote because of Barry then why the heck does Jersey have one? The gay governor who hires his lover as homeland security director, governor who is seat belt challenged, other senator (torricelli) who took money from everyone under the sun.... and oh yea, all of Hudson County

John Kelly: Right, I don't think that Marion Barry is representative of DC politics so much as he is representative of Marion Barry.

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fruity notes: Organic blueberries are ripe and ready to be picked!

John Kelly: Thank you for that breaking news update. You wouldn't happen to know if there's been a verdict in the pants case, would you?

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Southwest, Washington, D.C.: On Marion Barry -- I have never seen a person who has risen and fallen and risen and fallen etc. like Marion Barry. Imagine fighting the demons he has then getting back up and fighting for what he believes in -- witness the housing bills! He is an amazing figure whose personal achievements and failings have no boundaries.

On the SW waterfront -- the Anacostia Waterfront Corporation had selected a developer to remodel the waterfront based on a 2003 Office of Planning plan -- now that AWC has been dissolved -- we may have to wait a little longer.

John Kelly: I think Barry's life would make a great opera. We should commission one.

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Bowl of Crap: Last time I checked, you were under no obligation to explain why you're taking sick leave as long as you account for the hours. "I feel unwell and need to leave early" should suffice.

Just make sure they don't catch you sipping mojitos on the terrace on the way home.

John Kelly: I couldn't tell whether that person actually wants to leave, or just wants to have a reply when people ask about his/her mopey demeanor.

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Bloomin Onion: According to a website devoted to tracking these things, a Bloomin Onion has just under 3000 calories -- so you were SOOOO close!

John Kelly: Isn't that like two days' worth of calories?

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Eatabagofroc, KS: The loyal reader afraid of MoCo nannies should heed the advice of the venerable Jack LaLanne, who said (more or less, don't have the quote in front of me): Whatever you put in your body, a couple of days later it's walking around.

So, do you want to be a greasy batter-fried onion soaked in thousand island sauce? Or do you want to be a deep green chunk of broccoli steamed with a little butter?

p.s. Get down and give me 20.

John Kelly: But deep frying is soooooo tasty! Man cannot live by broccoli and zweiback alone.

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Guards that cannot shoot straight: Years ago I worked at a US Consulate overseas, and armed guards were provided for all of our homes. The guard in front of my residence had a gun, but no bullets since he would have had to pay for them. He never took shooting practice since he would have had to pay for the bullets.

John Kelly: But I bet it really hurts to be hit by a gun. He could probably throw that sucker pretty far.

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Stanton Park: John,

I'm really tired of reading the Post online and having every third word be a hyperlink. Do we really need a hyperlink in the sign-off from someone writing in to Carolyn Hax telling us about articles appearing in the Post and on the web related to Brooklyn? The poor woman just couldn't think of any other way to sign off. She wasn't trying to educate all of us the scare at the art gallery or the 17-year old boy hit by the school bus!

Please take care of this annoyance! Come on, I'm sure that they'll listen to you. Particularly if you were wearing that little Jamestown anniversary outfit you've been sporting when you talked to them!

John Kelly: Too many

hyperlinks?

Whatever do you

mean? (You don't HAVE to click, you know.)

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It's like saying....:"Who cares if he speeds while he's driving? He hasn't hit anybody."

Oh, please. Reckless speeding constitute reckless disregard for the public's safety, as it endangers everyone else. Disregarding whether or not he gets money back from the feds...that's just reckless disregard for his bank account. Horrible analogy there, JK.

John Kelly: Who said anything about "reckless speeding"? I meant precision speeding, of the sort that we all think we do.

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Washington, D.C.: Re: Blueberries

I thought that was the verdict! It makes as much sense as the case.

John Kelly: Right, the verdict is in and it's....splunge!

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Washington, D.C.: Mr Kelly, is it true that all your wit and wisdom comes from your researcher--the one with the shoes piled under her desk?

John Kelly: Not ALL of it. She has nine pairs of shoes down there right now.

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pants verdict in!: Fly right judge declares after hemming and hawing a bit. It seams like a good call he says.

John Kelly: That's the worsted pun I've ever heard.

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Another one about the guard shooting: What a bunch of goobers!!?! Did you all read that the guy being shot at went running down the block, into a residential area, and knocked on a door to call the police. Um, isn't he supposed to be guarding? And not running?

John Kelly: Well, he WAS being shot at. Would it have been better or worse if he had returned fire?

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Capitol Hill: Here's the thing... If Barry can't even manage to file his taxes, what does that say about his ability to carry out the day-to-day responsibilities of representing his Ward? Do his constituents even bother to consider this? What an embarrassment.

John Kelly: I beginning ot think that being a D.C. council member may, like being the head of the Smithsonian, not be that hard a job.

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Headline:"Subcommittee Mulls Cider" might be a little more readable, methinks.

John Kelly: Certainly more quaffable.

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Gloucestershire, UK: Doesn't this sound absolutely delicious?

http://www.dianaskitchen.com/page/recipes03/a31009d.htm

BTW: Do you cut your crusts, off? At tea, I mean.

Love..

Madeline Bassett

John Kelly: Thank you, Madeleine. We'll try the low-cal version.

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Rosslyn: I want to be a slice of sicilian from The Italian Store!

John Kelly: Gold chain, Banlon shirt and everything?

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iPod on the fritz...: Erase it...then re-sync. That usually cures iPod ills.

John Kelly: Well I know what I'll be doing this weekend. Oh joy.

Thanks for stopping by. Check back to washingtonpost.com frequently to see if the pants suit verdict's in. I'll see you in the paper on Sunday, and back in the chat seat on Friday.

Before you start your weekend, please consider donating to our Send a Kid to Camp fund drive. We need to raise $475,000 so at-risk kids from the Washington area can spend a week at camp.We're about a quarter of the way there. Julie and I visited the camp yesterday, where some kids were enjoying an open house, and it was great to see the effect the great outdoors was having on them.

Thanks, and have a great weekend.

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washingtonpost.com: Send A Kid To Camp

John Kelly: Gifts are tax deductible (if you file a tax return) and much appreciated.

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Washington, D.C.: There's NO excuse for the arrogance and greed of Lawrence Small; NO excuse for not filing your taxes; NO excuse for shooting at someone just because they called you a name. Sheesh.

John Kelly: It does seem obvious, doesn't it?

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