Chatological Humor (UPDATED 8.3.07)
aka Tuesdays With Moron

Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, July 31, 2007 12:00 PM

Daily Updates: 8.1.07 | 8.2.07 | 8.3.07

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Today, I humbly cede the opening of my chat to a far better writer than I. This year's winner of the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest is by far the best winner ever. I am simply in awe of this monstrosity, by Jim Gleeson, a computer technician from Madison, Wis.:

Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten per cent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them 'permanently' meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee.

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Speaking of writing, something happened yesterday that offers a revealing glimpse into the working of one of the most intriguing minds of my acquaintance.

Pat the Perfect, the greatest single authority I have ever known or ever will know on the proper use of the English language, was helping The Empress of the Style Invitational judge this week's contest entries. Pat shared with me a few of the entries she found particularly entertaining. One was a well written limerick that relied on rhyming "Gladys" with "flatus."

I emailed Pat back, saying that, unfortunately, "flatus" is pronouned "FLAY-tus." She had not known this. Now, it is true that this bodily-function reference happened to be right smack in my wheelhouse, but still: What we had here was a nearly unprecedented event, an astonishing moment, really -- I knew something about words that Pat did not. I say "nearly" unprecedented because in the back of my mind, I seemed to recall, vaguely, many years ago, another incidence of my word knowledge trumping hers. I mentioned this vague feeling to Pat. Was there such a case?

"Yes," she said, tersely.

Do you remember what it was, I asked.

"Yes," she said. Monosyllabically.

No, she would not tell me. "I do not want you to remember," she said.

She was not kidding! We were laughing, but she was not kidding.

Understand this: Pat and I are very close friends. We talk daily. I consult with her routinely on matters of language. Exactly twice in the last 15 years have I known something she did not. And she found this too painful to relive.

I finally pried it out of her, via taunts and ridicule. It was the spelling of a FOREIGN word!

You gotta love this woman. I do.

Incidentally, I once asked Pat if she would feel comfortable offering expert testimony in a multi-million dollar contract trial, representing herself as the leading world authority on the use of the English language. She considered this for quite some time, and finally said:

"Only on the use of the comma."

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Here's an original poem to commemorate the latest Washington tempest in a teapot.

Higgledy Piggledy

Hillary Clinton's bust -

Was it a cause for the

Press to divulge?

I am for exposes

Mega-quadrennial!

Now bring on photos of

Joe Biden's bulge.

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I'm grateful to Henry Chen for these excellent unintentionally funny ads.

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This was a dreadful comics week. There is no CPOW.

Today's Zippy was oddly excellent. Yesterday's Pearls Before Swine was nice because of "Dead Zebra," and yesterday's Speed Bump entertained.

Mostly, I want to direct your attention to the July 25 Beetle Bailey, for a truly wonderfully gratuitous Buxley-in-her-frilly-panties panel. Can anyone suggest what that might be in her pocket?

Okay, let's go. Oh, and because of a doctor's appointment, I will be leaving about ten minutes early. So get your questions in promptly.

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Knoxville, Tenn.: It seems like you had an usually good streak of customer-service folks in your column this week who either got the joke or were just generally very affable folks.

My question is this: does that bother you because they are harder to make fun of, or is it somehow encouraging that these people can see the humor in such a thing?

washingtonpost.com: A Big Fat Target..., ( Post Magazine, July 29)

Gene Weingarten: Well, mostly, I am looking for the funniest results. If their humor adds to it -- as with John the barbecue guy -- I love it.

Usually, these columns don't take me that much time -- I go to a store, write down some 800 numbers, come back home, and behave like a jackass for about two hours on the phone. This column took two days because I had to call about 20 Target stores all over the country before I finally found one where a salesman told me that the mango tree was plastic.

Typical conversation before I found him:

Me: I bought a mango tree and a year has gone by and it hasn't grown or produced fruit.

Salesman: No problem! Bring it back and we'll give you a full refund.

or...

Salesman: We only refund items within 90 days of purchase.

It was exasperating.

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Washington, D.C.: So Gene, it seems there was a bitter fight on the Travel (Flight Crew) discussion yesterday. I think I trust you more than any other WaPo-er, so please settle the debate once and for all. Is it rude to put you seat all the way back on an airplane, as long as you put it back slowly and gently? I will base all of my future air travel on your advice.

Gene Weingarten: It is hugely rude if someone is sitting behind you. I have said this before. I was WAAAY ahead on this one.

People in an airplane are prisoners in a cage. You have to look out for one another.

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Ottawa, ON, Canada: Hey, Gene! I was looking at my girlfriend's Facebook profile, and I see you added her as a friend! What's the big idea there, mister? Trying to steal her away from me, eh?

You've got some nerve!

Gene Weingarten: Every single woman who has become my friend on Facebook in the last week approached me for that honor. Your girlfriend CAME ON TO ME.

Heh.

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Food and Writing: Gene:

I know your a fan of both good food and the well-turned phrase. If the august Chatwoman lets this through, I wonder what you think of the following from A.A. Gil of the Times of London. Think the Post would let Sietsema get away with this?

What do you imagine the waiter will do when you tell him his Chianti tastes as though a platoon of Togolese askari have used it to wash their pits before straining it back into the bottle through a freshly skinned civet's rectum? How do you think he will react when you point out that the cork has plainly been utilised as a butt plug for a discounted catamite in the docks of Malacca? Will he say, "Sorry - I'll bring you another one", or is it more likely that a single spotlight will pick out your table as the waiter assumes a Yorkshire accent and launches into a stand-up routine from the Theatre of Cruelty?

What say you?

Gene Weingarten: Wow! Excellent! "Butt-plug for a discounted catamite" is genius. If Tom wrote that, and Tom edited it, and it appeared in print, the Tom-Toms would be beaten to death by their bosses.

Catamite: A term approximately two percent of you know.

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Baby name, expert opinion: Hi Gene! I need your expert opinion on baby names. We have very good friends who are going to be having a baby soon and have asked our opinion on the name they are leaning towards if it's a boy. They would like to name a son Atticus, as in Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird. My husband suggested it would be like naming a child Abraham Lincoln, and I said I thought for most of his childhood other kids wouldn't know what it's from and would make "ATTICA!" jokes.

What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: Atticus is not a bad name because of confusion. It is a bad name because everyone is naming male babies Atticus. With yours, I now know four.

Also, it is a name that has no nickname ("Cus?") and sounds old and creaky, like Ebenezer.

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New York, N.Y.: Why is Miss Buzley waiting for the repairman in her underwear?

Gene Weingarten: Because the cartoonist likes drawing Miss Buxley in her underwear.

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Oscar the Nursing Home cat: I'm sure you've heard about Oscar the "Angel of Death" cat who curls up next to patients at a nursing home, and then they die. The doctor who wrote about him had a chat here last Friday. People wrote in saying "The cat is suffocating the patients!" "The cat is stealing their souls!" I'm guessing the cat can smell the metabolic changes preceding death, and likes the smell. Then I remembered there's an Old Wives Tale that cats will "suck the breath from a baby" and kill it. I wonder if there have been other cats like Oscar, who are attracted to the odor of death, and curl up next to a baby who's died from SIDS? Maybe there's some truth behind the Old Wives Tale.

washingtonpost.com: The Story of Oscar the Cat, ( Live Online, July 27)

Gene Weingarten: I think that's an interesting analysis.

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Columbia, Md. again about RPMs: You have a problem being wrong don't you? Last week you said a death of a character in a comic strip was a first, then you said oh I meant shown in ink, then when you found out that wasn't true again, you said, oh I meant to say, murdered. No you didn't, you thought you were right with the first comment but just can't admit you were wrong about something.

Gene Weingarten: I WAS NOT WRONG.

Heh. No, of course I was wrong, but I HAD meant to say murdered, and I had meant to say that I was talking about funny comics, as opposed to serial comics like Dick Tracy. Everyone knows Tracy killed people all the time.

However, a recent communique from my friend Horace LaBadie persuaded me I was wrong about that, too. Horace reminded me about Fearless Fosdick, a character from Al Capp's Lil Abner. Fosdick, a satire of Tracy, was a comic strip within the comic strip. He was funny AND grotesque violent. He shot people, on strip, all the time.

Neither I nor Horace was able to find any art of Fosdick murders online. Can anyone else?

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Remeber, IN: About the woman in bra from last week. Many years ago my wife and I were vacationing with another family when the toddler daughter of the other family accidentally lifted up the shirt of her mother, revealing a perfect, bare left breast for a few seconds. I never forgot it, but when years later the woman asked me if I remembered the incident, I felt it would be best if I just said I don't recall that at all, because otherwise she would have been uncomfortable and we are still good friends. But I really do remember.

I think I did the right thing. Do you agree?

Gene Weingarten: Of course. And she doesn't believe you forgot it. You have both maintained a gracious and gallant fiction.

Many years ago, I retrieved a coworker's snapshots from a photo-developing store. I was supposed to go through them -- it was for a project we were working on. One of the pictures was one of those half-blurry frames that you fire off at the beginning of the roll. It was his wife, naked. He hadn't even realized he shot it.

I would have simply thrown it out, but we were looking through them together. It was simply passed by without comment, and never mentioned again.

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Somewhere, Minn.: Hi Gene, I'm relatively new here and have read through most of your archives but am now going through the old-old discussions. I just came across this from early 2002:

Washington, D.C.: Your column this past Sunday was in very poor taste. I do not believe in discrimination against homosexuals but the fact is homosexuality is aberrant behavior. It is not normal, it is not decent, and I do not want my children reading about it in a family newspaper, glorified as though it were something perfectly fine and funny and normal.

and I know you've debated this to some length in more recent discussions and I love your point of view. This argument jumped out at me because this is pretty much exactly how my boyfriend (3 years) feels. It bugs me that he feels this way but there is just no changing his opinion. It's not like he treats gay people differently or is uncomfortable around them, he just holds his quiet opinion that their lifestyle is "wrong" We have pretty much agreed to disagree on this subject, but recently the topic of kids has come up (tho not in the near future!) and neither of us wants the other to pass on their opinions on this issue. Is this totally bizarre? His views are religion-based, I'm not big on religion but am open to the idea that there is something bigger out there and wouldn't have a problem raising kids in some religious faith. I don't believe this is big enough to be a deal breaker (if there was no intention of kids it would be a non-issue) but we are both so damn stubborn! Is this petty or is it a potential problem?

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

Ask yourself this question: How good a father would this guy be if one or more of your children were gay?

To me, this would be a dealbreaker. It is no less noxious than if your boyfriend were bigoted against black people or Jews, and it is potentially more personally injurious.

I invite dissent.

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Lexington Park, Md.: So let's pretend you're single, you walk into a bar, and sitting at a table are the Rib, Chatwoman, the Empress and PtheP. You've never met any of them before. Which one would you be most inclined to hit on, and why? Be honest here...

washingtonpost.com: You need to add his 20-something girl to the mix, too.

Gene Weingarten: Boy, is that a disturbing question.

Chatwoman. Because she has the power to really foul up this chat.

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PtheP Was Right: It's "FLAT-us." You don't say "FLAY-tulence, do you?" I promise you that it's correct the way pat had it. Monty Pythin said so.

Gene Weingarten: Howzabouts you just look in a dictionary, bozo?

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washingtonpost.com: Good answer, but you lie. I'm too tall and too buxom for you.

Gene Weingarten: Maybe, maybe not. A guy can change his tastes...

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Kensington, Md: OK Gene. You say you'll chat about anything. Here goes. I have a mouse/mice getting into my flatware drawer. An extensive search of my kitchen, including the cabinet with all of the dry goods, shows no other signs of rodent activity. But every morning there is mouse poo in the drawer. I'm looking for a natural deterrent, something safe to have near my forks and spoons. I'm assuming that it's a shiny object sort of thing that's drawing them to this drawer. I have two cats, so that solution is already in place.

Gene Weingarten: NEVER be afraid to ask me a question. If you don't ask questions, how can you ever learn anything?

I have no idea how to solve your problem.

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Austin, Tex.: OK, when is it time for PtheP to guest-host another grammar session? My list of pet grammar peeves is getting long, and frankly, I hear and read so much incorrect English, and high school was so long ago, that I am beginning to forget the excellent grammar I was taught, both in school and as the daughter of the son of a classics scholar who studied and taught Latin and Greek and Hebrew.

So here is my question of the moment. Clarification, please, on the different usages of "intent" and "intention." Is this correct? "It was my intent to write to Gene last week, but like many good intentions, this one fell by the wayside."

And since when is "up" a verb? "Up your intake of dairy products and it will be easier to lose weight." Grumble. It's in the women's magazines every month. "Up the reps on this terrific move and gain strength more quickly!"

Gene Weingarten: I think I know where Pat is going to go with these, but I'm putting it out there for her. Pat in general believes in language flexibility.

My own question to Pat: Is it okay to publish a "quote," or must it be a "quotation"?

Also, I confess that until I was 52 and saw the distinction made in a Frazz comic strip, I routinely said that a book was "entitled" ... Bonfire of the Vanities, or whatever.

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Falls Church, Va.: Gene, I must heartily disagree with you. I am a 5 foot, 5 inch woman with mild scoliosis. I always recline the seat back all the way on an airplane. Otherwise I am in immense pain for the entire trip (back pain) because I am practically in an inverted position. I have come to terms with this. Mostly because the actual recline on the chair is like 4 inches. It's not really bothering the person behind you too much.

Gene Weingarten: It is horrendously bothering the person behind you. His world is already ridiculously collapsed.

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Reston, Va.: Hi Gene: Regarding Facebook, I was thinking about setting up a profile until I realized I have to give my name. According to Google, I'm the only person on the planet with my exact name, so that makes me feel quite exposed. Is it considered rude to make up an alias in that community?

Gene Weingarten: I don't know. I am still trying to figure out that community. I think I'm gonna do a column on it.

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Gene is a Li, AR:"Every single woman who has become my friend on Facebook in the last week approached me for that honor. Your girlfriend CAME ON TO ME."

Not true, Gene. You accepted mine without any coaxing. And to think, all because I shared my waxing habits with you so long ago!

Gene Weingarten: Now, Kate. What is inviting me to be your friend, other than a come-on?

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Pat the Perfect, ME: My neighbors' toddler DAUGHTER is named Atticus. They call her Attie. Adorable little girl.

Gene Weingarten: That's ridiculous.

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At theb, AR: Of course, hitting on the Empress could provide a memorable two-fer. She and PtheP are quite, uh, intimate.

Gene Weingarten: I hadn't thought of that. And they are both small women.

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Catamite: Gene, that is plain insulting. Your regulars are literate, you know.

Gene Weingarten: Four percent. A very outdated term.

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Nervo, US: Does anyone have any advice on the best way to calm nerves? I have a first date tomorrow night with someone that I'm really interested in and I want to be as relaxed as possible. Should I have a glass of wine beforehand or will that make the knot in my stomach worse? I know, just be myself, but I need to calm down. Any suggestions?

Gene Weingarten: If you are this nervous, you are gonna blow it.

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Washington, DC: You say of bullfighting: "I object to bullfighting because it is savage. You harass and injure a bull -- the picador's job it to stab the bull with darts; there is much blood -- until it is blind with rage, and then you kill it. What's not to understand?"

Well, there's a lot not to understand, yet. Consider boxing. Boxing involves the attempt to beat another human being -- not a brute beast, but a fellow rational being -- into unconsciousness. The death rate is lower than bullfighting, but there is a lot of bleeding, and the being that one is attacking is a fellow human being. Boxing strikes me as more savage than bullfighting. I take it that most who condemn bullfighting would take a contrary view.

Gene Weingarten: I don't.

About 20 years ago, Tropic magazine ran a piece on the savagery of boxing. I lobbied the sports editor to declare, in the same issue of the Miami Herald, that henceforth the newspaper would not cover boxing. Didn't get anywhere, but I was passionate about it.

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Too pedestrian?: Hi, I just received my national certificate in therapeutic massage and bodywork, from the NCBTMB, and my certificate was signed by the Board's Chair, Donna Feeley.

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Buxley, MS: It's a slipper. The other one is in the other pocket. I guess you were hoping for a funny answer.

Gene Weingarten: People have also suggested hairbrush, privates cap, and sleep eyeshade.

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Not bothering...:...the person behind you? Are you kidding me? As a five foot 9 inch woman, you are bothering me very much, lady. My knees have nowhere to go as it is.

Gene Weingarten: It should not be permitted when there is someone in the seat behind you. Period. The discomfort it causes for others is far greater than the comfort it provides to you.

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Intimate?: Really, The Empress and PtheP? I'm hot and bothered now, which has never happened to me on your chat before.

Gene Weingarten: They are extremely close.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: Re Austin: Gene does tend to know where I'm going to go, often before I know where I'm going to go.

Believe me, I understand the attraction in wanting there to be some fixed "rulebook" for English grammar and usage. You, Austin, as someone who grew up familiar with three ancient languages - - which do have a now-fixed set of working rules (as opposed to modern Italian, Greek or Hebrew) - - are likely to be especially peeved when you read English writing that flouts the rules you spent so much time learning in high school.

And I face such questions every day: As a copy editor, I get paid with overflowing bags of gold coins to enforce language rules and to follow two literal rulebooks: Webster's New World Dictionary and The Washington Post's own stylebook (now kept only online). I'm pretty good at reading a list of rules and remembering them, and I can tell you that it's a lot easier to cite Page 72 than to have to decide in each case whether changing the writing to fit the rule on Page 72 might damage its effect.

But as inconvenient as it is for people with your perspective or my job, it is a simple fact that modern languages do change, all the time and to a great degree. And I'm also familiar with the tendency of some people to insist that words each have one particular meaning - - despite the obvious truth that a vast number of common words in English each have many meanings.

Here's one of many examples: Some people get all exercised at seeing "he convinced me to do it," rather than "he persuaded me to do it," because someone wrote up a rule that "convinced" must go only with "of -a noun]" or "that -a clause]" and only "persuaded" can go with an infinitive. Well, it's certainly an easy rule to enforce, but really, what purpose does it serve? Does it make the sentence the slightest bit clearer to say "persuaded" instead of "convinced"? You might even argue that it weakens the force of the verb because it takes an extra syllable to say it.

Entitled vs. titled: We do on the copy desk routinely make it "the book is titled xxx" rather than "the book is entitled xxx." But we couldn't seriously argue that "entitled" would make the reader confusedly think we mean the book was deserving, rather than that it had a certain name. The only possible logical argument is that the en- is an unnecessary syllable.

Intent vs. intention: They do mean the same thing; look at the dictionary. But "intent" is the word that's used in legal contexts (e.g., 'criminal intent," "intent to kill") and so it has gained the connotation of something more formal than a general plan, like "It was my intention to write to Gene, but then I had to do something more fruitful like pick my nose." If the writer is referring to some other rule regarding intent vs. intention, I haven't heard that one.

Quote vs. quotation: 'Quote" as a noun clearly came from the same urge to be fun and zippy as the use of "up" as a verb: The guide "The Careful Writer" by Theodore Bernstein, which was certainly a breath of fresh air when it was written 44 years ago, does call "quote" as a noun "a casualism that has no place in serious writing." I think that by now, however, a reader wouldn't feel that the one-syllable word carried any connotation of freshness and zippiness, and therefore it's not out of place in, say, a straight news story.

On the other hand, using "up" as a verb clearly doesn't sound like serious writing - - and that's precisely why the women's magazines chose it: It conveys the idea of fun, youth, energy, speed, being on the move, much more than "increase." (And it fits better in a headline.) So you and I might not use it in our writing, but there's no need to be sanctimonious about its use in the Look Sexier section of Cosmo. (Which I guess is the entire content of Cosmo, now that I think of it.)

Here's my disclaimer after all this equivocation: I speak in something approaching king's English. I use "whom" as an object even in sentences that end in prepositions, even when speaking to the mailman or to small children. I make every effort to say "his," rather than "their," after "someone" or "everyone." I am known at work as a tremendous stickler for "correct" grammar.

So don't tell.

A last word:

I have very little knowledge of classical languages, but I would be greatly surprised if Latin grammar, word usage and whole vocabularies didn't undergo enormous variation over the centuries and over the huge geographical area where it was taken by Roman soldiers and officials. I would bet that what is now called "correct Latin" is a snapshot of one long-ago moment, of one corner, of a language that changed over time and place just as energetically as modern English does today.

Now are you SURE you'd want to read a whole hour of this stuff?

Gene Weingarten: Here is how much I trust pthep. I am posting it without reading it. For all I know, it includes profanity.

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Facebo, OK: Why does a 50-something year-old man, married with two children, have a facebook page, unless it's for catamitic reasons?

Gene Weingarten: For the same reason I have gone to massage parlors. For journalism.

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Flat, US: Huh, you're right. And the best part is repeatedly clicking the "hear it again" button on the Merriam-Webster online site, and listening to the sexy dictionary lady repeat the word. I'm getting kind of excited.

Gene Weingarten: I would pay to hear that mean old Darby the robot operator say it.

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Crush, ED: Gene:

I get crushes on women. They are generally harmless. I meet someone who rings a little bell in me, and I get nervous when she is around. I joke and talk and say complimentary things, and then, a few days later, the crush subsides and I move on.

Here's the rub. I am 50. When I was younger (until I was married at 35), I enjoyed a healthy social life. (My friends used to joke that I had a different date for each meal). I have been married (happily) for 15 years; have a satisfying job and 2 lovely children. I have no intention of cheating on my wife but I'm not growing older gracefully.

I hate it that I am not 30. I hate it that, when I talk to the 30 something crushee of the week, that she sees me as a father figure. While I don't condone it, when I see sleazy old guys trying to pick up younger women in movies (ala "Legally Blonde") I can see their point. The thought that the only way I will ever see a beautiful naked woman is in a strip bar is very sad to me.

I guess I'll buy a sports car.

Gene Weingarten: I hate your penultimate sentence. I am sorry you wrote it.

However, in general, the situation you describe seems to me to be the story of being an adult man. Learn to like it. It is not so bad.

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Arlington, Va.: I have met the Empress several times. I also recently attended a luncheon with PtheP on my birthday. They are both hotties.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, trust me, the prospect of a double date is appealing.

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Bristow, Va.: Gene, you had to bring up the putting the seat back on the airplane thing again, didn't you. I'm sorry, but this is one case where you are simply wrong, unequivocally. Putting the seat back involves using it as it was designed and intended to be used. Tray tables are designed to be flat regardless of whether the seat is tilted back or not. The degree of recline is limited so as not to intrude excessively on the space behind you (if the seat recline was only intended to be used when the seat behind is unoccupied, it would recline much further). There is absolutely nothing wrong or inconsiderate about putting your seat back. If you don't like reclining chairs, you should be lobbying airlines to banish them entirely from their cabins (let me know how that one turns out).

Gene Weingarten: You are a monster.

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Have some compassion: Gene, I grant that having the seat in front of you recline is totally annoying, but you just have to recognize that some people have back problems. If you think sitting trapped for hours is uncomfortable, imagine it with steadily increasing back pain.

This is not the same as travelling with screaming infants, which is inexcusable.

Gene Weingarten: See, I have ZERO anger at people who travel with screaming infants. What are they going to do, asphyxiate the child?

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Miss Buxley: I was just about to ask, "What's a privates cap?" when it occurred to me that she's on an army base, and you meant the hat worn by a soldier of low rank.

But I REALLY thought for an instant that it had something to do with a lady's ladyparts, and a shower cap... and I was terribly confused.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

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Falls Church, Va.: Re: Mice in the flatware drawer. Presumably they are squeezing into the drawer through the gap between the gap of the drawer and the cabinet or drawer underside above. To make it more difficult for the mice to get in, the homeowner could close that gap by duct-taping a strip of steel wool onto the back of the drawer, sticking out in such a way as to block the empty space. This is rather awkward and will probably produce a scratchy noise when the drawer is opened and closed.

There is no effective natural deterrent, however, unless the owner were to stuff a kitten in the drawer overnight. Sad to say, the most effective means to address this problem would be to take the silverware out of one of the compartments and put a trap in there instead.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Arlington, Va.: Is it acceptable, though, to very slightly tilt the seat back in an airport, in order to have a slight bit of an inclination? I never, EVER, put the seat entirely back if someone is behind me, but I generally need an inch or so just to maneuver my neck to get some sleep. Is this reasonable?

Gene Weingarten: Yes.

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Empire (waist) State: Another issue that highlights the male-female divide was raised on Amy and Roxanne's chat, but without the in-depth attention that you provide.

Why do women like those empire-waist tops and dresses? To me (and probably most men), they look like hoop skirts pulled up to just below the bosom. Get rid of those unflattering, inverse cone things.

Gene Weingarten: Perhaps some women will disabuse me of that notion, but I am guessing that women who favor this look have breasts they are proud of and hips they are not.

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New Feature in the Magazi, NE: Curious as to what you thought of the Second Glance feature that debuted this Sunday. My initial thought was that it was a gimmicky feature, but I spent far more time dissecting the photo than I first imagined.

The bigger question is how The Post can have a fancy new Web page so readers can go online to find out all the differences in the photos, but can't manage to design decent polling software...

washingtonpost.com: Second Glance

Gene Weingarten: Tom the Butcher and I have been debating this all week. I contend that it is infantile, Highlights for Children kind of stuff and taunted him by asking if next he's going to do a Word Find puzzle, or Connect the Dots. He accused me of being both 1) elitist and 2) wrong.

I truly hate to say this, but he may be right. The mail on it has been overwhelmingly positive -- almost effusive. And some of it has come from PhDs and stuff.

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Birth Signs: I don't believe that anyone's fate is written in the stars or determined by the location of celestial bodies at the moment of their birth, but I do think there might be something to the idea of people born under the same star sign sharing personality traits.

I don't think it's magical, rather I think it's psychological. I was born in June. the first things I saw in life were people wearing shorts and spending time outdoors. A kid born in January would see heavy blankets and mittens and hot cocoa.

I belive that those first impressions are indelible and set the stage for who we are to become a at least in some measure.

What's your opinion of this theory?

Gene Weingarten: I think it is full of crap. Just silly. I believe adherents of Piaget will tell you that the brain doesn't begin to intelligently process visual information, and remember things, and draw conclusions, and make comparisons, until it is many months old, and that this varies from person to person.

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Springfield, Va.: Never say never about the existence of God. I still have a hard time believing in God but I have been to heaven. As a result of a nearly complete drowning, I transited through a tunnel of light and met an "angel." We were both suspended in a bright cloud like environment where I achieved a state of complete happiness. I remember an interview with George Harrison who said he was seeking happiness exuding from every cell of his body. I knew what that was like because that's what I had achieved. Just before I made it completely into heaven, I feel an unpleasant tugging at my leg. I told the angel I didn't want to go back. He told me it was not my time. The next thing I know I am coughing water on the concrete deck of a pool.

That was 30 years ago. I am convinced early man created heaven based on near death experiences. All the morality issues were added later to try to explain why you get to go to a perfect place full of happiness after death.

Does God exist? I don't know, I didn't meet him but I did go to heaven. I know that exists. Maybe we created God because we assumed that someone had to be in charge of the angels. That would be so human of us. Or maybe somebody went farther than I did and actually met the guy in charge. I don't know? Life after death is a common theme in many religions.

Here is my question. Would you still be so sure that God doesn't exist if you knew for certain that many aspects of the religious story were true: heaven, angels, or being in a better place after death?

Gene Weingarten: So. Are you familiar with the physiological effects of hypoxia, which is oxygen starvation of the brain? They include euphoria, hallucinations and ... tunnel vision.

It doesn't seem odd to me that a person who thinks he is dying would take refuge in a comfortable fantasy, the most comfortable being a warm and welcoming afterlife.

Sorry.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene, since you work in the newspaper industry, can you settle a dispute between my fiancee and I? I think that, other than the occasional Jayson Blair, no reporter at a major newspaper would pay their sources, even if it meant getting a scoop, because it would be unethical. She thinks I'm naive about that, that newspapers are so competitive, and that jobs at the top papers are so hard to get, that at least one editor or reporter at every major newspaper has paid a source, at least once. Who is right?

Gene Weingarten: You are.

But not about "between my fiancee and I."

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Homophobic Boyfrie, ND: Dump the chump. Imagine if he had said "No, I don't hate Jews, but I do think they are greedy scum who killed our Lord and I don't want them admitted to my country club."

Would that be a "non-issue"? Claiming your views are "religion-based" doesn't absolve you from being a bigot.

Dump the chump.

Gene Weingarten: As I said, it's arguably worse than that, because he is in a position to hurt a child.

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To Bristow: Yes, the seats are designed to recline, however, they were designed when there was an extra 6 - 10 inches of space between each row. It's not ok to put the seat back when someone is behind you, no matter how you try to justify it. It's completely self-centered and rude.

Gene Weingarten: In short, he is a monster.

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Childish features in Post Mag: I agree! They should use that space for something more mature, like transcriptions of crank calls.

Gene Weingarten: Touche.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: Well, now you know, folks: If you write up your question/comment in Word and then copy it into the little box, all your apostrophes and quotation marks will come out as little squares. (I did get my dashes through by typing them as two hyphes with a space between them.)

Can anyone save me time and just tell me how to change the Word setting to make apostrophes and quotation marks the straight rather than curved type? I assume that will solve the problem.

Gene Weingarten: I have had the same problems. Anyone?

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Kids on Planes: Toss 'em in the back seat of a car. My parents didn't take me on a plane until I was eight years old. We road tripped everywhere, including cross-country.

Gene Weingarten: Now THERE's a totally practical suggestion.

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Six-Five, 280: Go ahead, Half-Pint -- try to recline your seat in front of me. Ask the last guy who did it whether that was the most uncomfortable flight of his life. Nothing like being sneezed on from above to make you want to change your seat position.

As always, I asked politely before the flight that he leave his seat up; he declined to be nice.

Gene Weingarten: I engage in a knee-jab war.

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Severna Park, MD: Hello Gene! My daughter is just at the age where she's getting interested in baseball. I've spent some summer evenings trying to teach her to swing, throw and catch. Swing is fair for a beginner; but throwing and catching really need work, and for that I turn to you. Can you dig up your column about teaching a coworker how to throw and catch? Is this teachable at any age? (My daughter is just about to turn eight.) And of course, can you drop a hint about which of your Post colleagues was favored with your tutelage?

Gene Weingarten: It was not a column about teaching a kid to throw or catch, it was teaching a WOMAN to throw and catch. Liz, can you find this?

My student was Michelle Gaps, Post copy editor. Also known as "Spike," which is the greatest nickname for a copy editor ever, for reasons you may not know unless you are a journalist.

Liz, can we find this?

washingtonpost.com: Playing Catch-Up, ( Post Magazine, May 8, 2005)

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Dark Chocolate: Hi Gene,

Many people have blasted you for not liking dark chocolate without giving much support to their arguments. Like you I don't enjoy noshing on dark chocolate straight, but first we need to clarify what dark chocolate exactly is.

Good chocolate will tell you how much cocoa is in it, which indicates how bitter it is. The higher the percentage, the darker/more bitter it is -- lower percentages have more sugar. Most milk chocolate is around 33 percent. So 72 percent dark chocolate is pretty hardcore and inedible straight, IMO. But 50 percent is really good -- not as sickly sweet as most milk chocolate, but still enjoyable. Hershey's Dark is about 50 percent, quite different from Valhrona's 72 percent.

Next time you're in Whole Foods, Dean and Deluca, or similar take a look at the labels. I bet you'll find a 50 percent or even 60 percent you like.

washingtonpost.com: I'm glad you sent this in. Over the weekend, I had the BEST dark chocolate in the world. I have ordered a bar for Gene -- who will have to agree that it puts milk chocolate to shame. May take a while, though, because it's coming all the way from Modica, Sicily.

Gene Weingarten: To my experience, all dark chocolate has a bitter undertaste. I am including dark chocolate syrup. All.

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Arlington, Va.: Re: My own question to Pat: Is it okay to publish a "quote," or must it be a "quotation"?

I always thought that if it was a single term or phrase it should read "a 'quote',", but that if it was a sentence, it should read "'is it okay to utter a quote,'".

What is the correct use of the comma? Before the end quotation or after?

Thanks! You are hot, by the way.

Gene Weingarten: Pat?

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Mouse in your House: Peppermint oil. Works everytime.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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New York, N.Y.: I'm a tall guy. I have no room to sit even before the "person" in front of me reclines his or her seat. In the past I used to nudge the seat with my knees a lot to signal my discomfort. If the person in front of me ever got up to use the bathroom, I would reach around and return the seat to the upright position while he or she was absent.

I've decided that these approaches were too passive-aggressive. Now I just offer to cut the person's hair while they recline. Very rarely to I get a laugh.

Gene Weingarten: I like that line.

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Falls Church, Va.: Frazz has been annoying the heck out of me lately. He's been preening about how he's coaching the baseball team not to worry about being competitive, but that's not what's actually happening. Actually, the kids are throwing their games deliberately for Frazz's personal benefit, since their playoffs would conflict with a triathlon in which Frazz wants to compete. In other words, Frazz has the kids losing (under the guise of "non-competition") so that HE can compete in something else. To top it off, Frazz doesn't acknowledge how selfish this is -- instead, he keeps going on about what a better person he is than the other coach. (Note to Frazz: Competing over who's the better person is still a form of competing).

Imagine if the math teacher decided that he wasn't going to teach real math skills to the kids, but instead would just let them have fun with numbers. Would that be admirable? Now suppose he did that because the math AP test was on a weekend that conflicted with his vacation. Would that make you like him more, or less?

One might say, oh, this is just sports, so it doesn't matter if the kids learn any skills. But Frazz can't make that argument, because the whole reason he's tanking games is for the sake of his own sporting life. Besides which, these aren't kids who showed up on a sandlot; these are kids who signed up for an organized league, presumably with the intention of learning something about the game and trying to play it well. If they're not interested in competing, they can stick to friendly games with their friends.

The notion that the losing kids are having more fun because they're not concerned about playing well is specious. Certainly, no one should bully their kids into being hyper-competitive, but the opposite extreme isn't fair to them either. Kids know when they're doing something poorly, and they don't like it. They don't necessarily care about winning, but they want to do well.

Sorry for the long rant. It's been building all summer.

Gene Weingarten: I think you are badly misrepresenting this sequence. For one thing, the team -- liberated from pressure -- has been winning. Kicking arse, in fact.

I have not talked to Jef about this, but I'm guessing they will win the champeenship, and he will choose his kids over his race.

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Babies on a plane: Screaming babies can be drugged. A little bit. My mother used "gripe water," a concoction that was widely available at chemist shops in London, where we lived. You can still find it online. Wikipedia says it contains various soothing herbs, but I'm fairly sure the '70s version was alcohol-based. Hence its effectiveness.

Gene Weingarten: Some people might quite reasonably not wish to do this.

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Airplanes, Seats, and Infants: I can't believe that! Reclining the seat is okay, but a screaming child is not?!

A person is ENTIRELY capable of not reclining an airplane seat. The only thing you're doing when you do it is stealing space from the person behind you for your benefit. It is an inherently selfish act.

Screaming children? What do you recommend we do? My wife's parents live in Boston. We live in Minnesota. We try to see them as often as possible, which means bringing our toddler and infant with us. We can't drive 30 hours a few times a year. When our infant cries, what do you suggest we do? Stifle him? Believe me, when he's crying there is NOTHING we'd like better than to get him to stop. It's embarrasing and we feel like we're imposing on everyone in the plane. I guess we're just supposed to keep my wife's parents from seeing their grandchildren because some people can't abide a crying child. And don't tell me the grandparents can visit us. They do a couple times a year, but both have health problems (not to mention he is 6'10", so how does HE feel when someone reclines the seat into him), and have difficulty flying.

You're an idiot and a jerk.

Gene Weingarten: Ooh, this is a hot issue.

For the record, I think your anger is misplaced. We all need to calm down. Your baby IS a pain in the ass to other fliers. You are causing a problem. But you are not deliberately causing a problem, so you can't be faulted for it.

I'd buy a drink for the people around you.

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Dear Crushed: Man, I hope your wife doesn't read these chats...or maybe you don't get to see her naked, but I sure hope you think she's beautiful, all the more for NOT being 20 or 30 anymore.

Sigh. I really want to believe that my husband still thinks I'm beautiful. If I ever thought that was him I'd just be sad.

Gene Weingarten: It was a very bad sentence.

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To the 50-something with a midlife crisis: As a 31-year-old woman, I say it's just as well you seem to be determined to keep your crushes to yourself. 'Cause if you ever expressed them to us, we'd laugh in disgust at you anyway. Now call your wife and tell her you love her.

Gene Weingarten: I like this.

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Seattle: Gene,

Last week you said that men get more excited by women in skirts than shorts, even if they appear to be showing the same amount of leg.

Well, duh, Gene, of course. Not to be crass, but one can't as easily have intercourse with a woman in shorts than in a skirt. It may be vulgar, but it is the truth.

Gene Weingarten: Hm. Interesting. That may explain it, in one way.

I would argue it is more a matter of voyeurism. With a skirt, you are peeking.

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Perhaps some women will disabuse me of that notion, but I am guessing that women who favor this look have breasts they are proud of and hips they are not.: No, sorry, you are wrong. I love those dresses. I have narrow hips, and not particularly special breasts. I do, however, have great legs, and a short dress, no matter how flowy, will always work. Plus, when it is hot and humid, they are incredibly comfortable. And then you can't see the tummy. It's all about having nothing touching you from the bust down. They'll go out of style. But I will wear them until they do.

Gene Weingarten: But... is the point then hiding the tum?

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Minneapolis, Minn.: Since there is no more poll, how about giving us something else to do on Mondays/Tuesday early morning? Maybe link to the most interesting article you read that week? Talk about your favorite pet peeve? Tell us about the most interesting thing you found on eBay? Something?

Thank you for the tongue twister secret. I have been trying it out and slowing my speech down really does help. I get distracted trying to picture what I'm saying though... Should I be picturing it BEFORE saying it? Or WHILE saying it?? Does it matter? Is there something wrong with me?

Gene Weingarten: You misunderstand. This is a tactical work stoppage. I can't replace it with something else, or the message is lost.

We must all be strong. Solidarnosc.

You picture it as you are saying it. Envision a toy boat in a pond. Then describe it.

Just now, at my desk, I said "toy boat" twenty times, fast.

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Am I Nu, TS: I was waiting for a bus over the weekend. It was 30 minutes late. While waiting, two men came to the stop. They were drunk or strung out or something. They had a dispute (over what is unclear) and put up their dukes. Then one got a broken bottle and the other a brick. There were many threats but no actual hits. I attempted to discretely alert two police cars that drove by, but they just continued on their way. I was worried they would injure one another, and worried about my own safety. They settled their dispute (how is unclear) without violence. The one with the broken bottle just put it down on the sidewalk. I told him not to leave it there and to throw it away. He did. Was I nuts to say anything? Would you have said anything? (I am a woman if it matters.)

Gene Weingarten: Good grief.

I would have said nothing.

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Ap, ropos: Gene,

I have been sick in the belly ever since reading the Goering quote from last week's updates.

I am snapping out of it by remembering the following words from a truly great Republican:

With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.

Gene Weingarten: Lincoln's second inaugural is either the best or second best speech in American history. The other candidate is the Gettysburg Address. What does this say about the man, eh? As well as the lost art of speechmaking.

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New York, N.Y.: Pat: In word, Tools -> Autocorrect -> autocorrect as you type tab, unclick quotes to smartquotes option.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you!

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Arlington, Va.: So, what do you think of Gawker's attempt to find humor in anti-Semitism? Certainly, it's not funny as such. But is it offensive? Near as I can tell, they're going over the top in response to some commenter's complaint that an earlier post made fun of Israel too harshly. Is this OK because the exaggeration is apparent? Is it OK because they're Jewish?

Heebie Jeebies: Gawker Apologizes to the Jews, ( Gawker.com, July 19)

Gene Weingarten: Hm. Wow.

I am not a regular Gawker reader, so I am not really into the ethos of that site. As such, I'm afraid to sound like some fud who stumbles onto the Onion and is outraged at how they get facts wrong.

With that caveat -- this seems like weirdly heavyhanded, unfunny humor, right from the get-go. I think I can understand why Jews got offended; any satire is snuffed by the fact that the original piece just wasn't amusing or clever or anything.

If I missed the irony, someone please set me straight.

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Washington, D.C.: Toles today is real good.

washingtonpost.com: Toles, ( July 31)

Gene Weingarten: It is, indeed. I love the little comment below, too.

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Midwe,ST: Because I don't want to hurt your feelings by not saying this:

I really miss the polls. REALLY a LOT. Is there anything that we, the readers and participants, can do to help with this software situation?

Gene Weingarten: Me, too. I think everyone is working on this problem in good faith.

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Dogtown, Ark.: I'm a newspaper guy and was really interested in Pat the Perfect's headline hall of fame. Those were both excellent. I'm interested in what either or both of you might hink of a couple of favorites from my newspapers:

On a story about the South's most popular birdhouse tenant: Purple martins majesty.

On a story about growing mushrooms at home for consumption: Talking Shiitake.

Gene Weingarten: Speaking for me, they're both excellent.

I love the art of headline writing, and when I was an editor took pleasure in it. I think my favorite headline of mine was writ when I was an editor at the National Law Journal. It is was very simple. Richard "Racehorse" Haynes, the famous trial lawyer, had won a trial because he had persuaded the jury that an innocuous "click" heard on an FBI tape was actually something significant that exonerated his client. the headline: RACEHORSE WINS BY A NOISE.

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College Park, Md.: Can you please explain how you were able to get rid of the tonsiliths? Did they just go away? I find myself prodding them out with my tongue, but most of the time they just stay stuck in there for days until I can finally loosen them enough to come out. Days! In my tonsil! Please help.

Gene Weingarten: You can't. As you age, the caverns close up. Usually. What you need to do is learn to prod em with a finger in such a way that you don't puke but you do dislodge em.

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Falls Church, Va.: Gene, I have a psychic ability to predict the future. As proof, I will predict to you the gag in Wednesday's "Lio": Lio has a monster with many eyes!

Would you like me to predict Thursday's Lio?

Gene Weingarten: It's gettin' pretty durn tedious, isn't it?

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Wmpire Waists: I just think they're pretty. Is that weird?

Gene Weingarten: I like em too. They seem old fashioned, almost medieval.

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The Second, CA: Oh.

My.

God.

I just read through P the P's holding forth on grammar and style. Now I'm all hot and bothered. I blame you, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: It's smokin', isn't it?

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Heaven: The New Yorker (I know, too elitist for you) just had an article about a guy struck by lightning who went to "heaven," became a musical genius and is now quite religious - and refused to undergo testing of his brain to see what was going on, preferring instead to keep the religious myth intact for himself. The article talked quite a bit about the scientific explanation of what happens to your brain when struck by lightning or other near death experiences.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. I find all those near death accounts utterly unpersuasive.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: Sorry, I'm not following Arlington's distiction between "quote" and "quotation" -- one is a word or a few words and one is a sentence? (Sounds like a rule someone made up on the fly -- remember, ALL these rules are made up AFTER the words have been used for a long time)

As for the placement of a comma relative to the quotation mark: Most English publications routinely put the comma (and the period) next to the word, before the quotation mark. This is so there's no little dot or squiggle lying out there all by itself after a blank space on the bottom. Semicolons, exclamation points and question marks are bigger and don't need such shelter; the ! and ? go inside the quote when they are part of the quote, outside when they're not.

There's at least one person I know who considers this practice horribly illogical because a comma isn't part of the person's quote (especially a written quote). But the rule doesn't bother me at all.

(French and Hebrew printing I've seen does put the comma outside the quotation marks.)

Gene Weingarten: I am simply getting too.... aroused. I have to go. I will be updating through the week.

But first, one more question, and lengthy answer:

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Merida, Mexico: Have you ever really been there before? What's it like? I'm thinking of going there to a Spanish language school for a month some time next year. Should I go?

Gene Weingarten: Ah, Merida. I have indeed been there, exactly 20 years ago. I will not go back, because it will be ruined for me. You can't go home again.

Twenty years ago, Merida was my idea of the perfect three-day vacation. If you read what follows you may understand why I am the sort of person who derides a vacation lying on the beach.

This is a story I wrote in 1987 for a special travel issue of Tropic Magazine of the Miami Herald. I loved Merida. A friend of mine recently went there, at my suggested, and reports that while it is still an interesting place, it has been crudded up by tourism.

Check this out:

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MERIDA

MORE THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR

GENE WEINGARTEN Tropic Editor

Memo: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS; A Special Travel Issue

I am dining alone on my first night in Merida in a small restaurant with 18-foot ceilings, high-backed hardwood chairs, linen tablecloths. I am mopping up with warm, fresh sourdough bread the last of the soup from a tureen thick with chunks of sweet lime and chicken and strips of tortilla. Beside me is a half-finished bottle of fine Spanish claret.

Here is the main course now, plump baby shrimp in a rich sauce of garlic, champagne and sliced green olives. It is a gargantuan serving, too much, too much.

Now, a cup of excellent coffee.

Now, a bowl of light custard and cream.

And now, the check.

Tax included, it comes to $8.

Merida is cheap. It is just about the cheapest place you can get to from Miami by plane. This eccentric little city in Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula is less expensive to fly to ($139 round trip) than is Nassau or Jamaica or Atlanta.

And it's even cheaper once you get there. The best hotels are $25 a night. Parking is 10 cents an hour. Fabulous four- course meals can be had for the price of a burger and a beer at Fuddruckers. Money is the whole story here: the story of why Merida is such a bargain, and why it is so entertainingly strange and, ultimately -- when seen the way travel agents and the Mexican tourism bureau would just as soon not have you see it -- why Merida is an eye-popping lesson in the economy of poverty.

I am walking the streets now on my first evening in town, and I cannot help but notice that everything is . . . a little bit . . . wrong.

Here's a store selling 1973 model Kelvinator refrigerators; they appear to be spanking new. This city radiates anachronism, particularly in the appliance stores. Washing machines with wooden rollers, sinks with knurls and knobs and porcelain fixtures -- everything seems straight out of Alice Kramden's kitchen.

Here is a store selling fruit juices. In bags. Big, floppy, unharnessable plastic bags o' juice. I buy one.

Here are beggars squatting in their burlap and bunions on the sidewalk outside a store that sells tuxedos and formal gowns.

On downtown Merida's main drag, there is a clothing store ($4 for an embroidered cotton peasant dress), a curio shop (30 cents for a wooden flute) and a jewelry store ($3 for handcrafted sterling silver earrings), and right in the middle of these is the biggest store around. It takes up half of a city block. It is a showroom for John Deere tractors and earthmovers and what appears to be a threshing machine. There are no customers, no browsers, and, near as I can tell, no salesmen.

In the last three or four years, as the dollar has soared and the peso plummeted, American tourist money has roared into this town with all of the grace and subtlety of a '69 Camaro with a busted muffler. It was too much, too fast -- and Merida, it seems, got flustered. It's as though it hasn't quite figured out how to handle 20th-Century commerce. Anarchy reigns.

Here is a store that sells wicker furniture and motorcycles. You get the impression that next week it may stock something else. Pianos and fish, perhaps.

Things are getting more crowded now; I must be nearing the Mercado Central. I was warned about this place, warned to steer clear. The streets are jammed with scurrying people and old, old cars, and the stench of exhaust hangs heavy and stifling, but I notice there is no dirt in the street, no trash, not a crumpled cigarette pack, no graffiti, nothing, and here is a peddler selling two products: Colgate toothpaste and Chiclets. Here is a man with a filthy pushcart, and I ask him what he is selling and he reaches into a bucket of ice and pulls out a coconut and before I can stop him, swish swish, he has whonked the top off with a machete and he hands me a straw. The nectar is sweet and refreshing and I give him three hundred pesos, which is 30 cents, and he gives me a handful of change, which I give to a beggar.

Alms. Arms. Arms tugging at me, pushing at me, shoveling radishes and toothbrushes and bananas and tortillas under my nose, and I push my way past them, and Good God how did this happen I am inside.

It is unthinkably large, a teeming filthy monstrous wonderful public market with hundreds of stalls selling fish and lace and shoes and rope and trinkets and juices and parrots and pinatas and sarapes and hats and tomatoes and beets and talismans and bird cages and blankets and meat pies and hammocks and guayaberas and candles and pastries and here is a stall selling only toilet paper, and I take a picture of this because I know no one back home will believe it.

Here is a live turkey strutting and preening. I pet him. "Dieciseis mil," bellows the merchant. Sixteen bucks.

"Cinco," I offer. Five. I am lowballing shamelessly; still, this is a dangerous moment. What would the wife say?

"Nueve," he says. Nine. I walk away.

And suddenly I am in the farthest reaches of the market, where the air is thick with the musky sweet smell of blood and flesh. Here are the butchers with their meat hooks and the horseflies feasting, and the Mexican housewives shuffling from stall to stall, pinching, squeezing, haggling, and in the middle of it all is a man selling oyster cocktails.

And so it is that in the midst of the stench and the flies and the flesh and the mayhem, I sit on a stool beside a couple of grizzled working men and eat 10 fresh shucked oysters, fished with bare hands from a bell jar, served up in a cup of tomato sauce with salt, lime and a dash of olive oil. The oysters are firm and slippery and burst with icy flavor. They are the finest I've ever had. They cost 60 cents.

When most travel agents book you for Merida, they'll recommend against a rental car. The only out-of-town sights worth seeing, they will tell you, are the pyramids and other ruins near Chichen Itza, 75 miles from Merida, and there are plenty of bus tours and taxis to get you there and back.

This is true, but it is all wrong.

Volkswagen bugs are still manufactured in Mexico, and these wonderful machines are cheap and plentiful ($20 a day) and perfect for a place such as this. Renting a car taught me about several local customs, one of which is that in Merida there is no right on red. Another is that when you get a ticket, the police officer, as a courtesy, will accept your payment on the spot in cash ($15 American), to save you the trouble of waiting in line to pay your fine at the police station. It is not customary for him to give you a receipt.

Anyway, my ticket thusly paid, I pack my still unopened bag o' juice (Do you gnaw a hole in the corner? Snip it? What?) and head out on the back roads toward the pyramids, which are as spectacular as promised, but which I will not describe here

because they are adequately described in any Mexican travel guide. It's what I see on the way to the pyramids, and on the return trip, that will remain with me the longest from this most spectacular of three-day vacations.

The tragicomic almost-economy of the city extends no farther than the city limits; beyond that, you are in as primitive a place as you will ever encounter.

Drive. Take the side roads. Stop and talk to people, as your Spanish allows. Mine is meager, but my eyes are good, and here is what I learned:

These are descendants of the ancient Mayan Indians. Their ancestors were enslaved by Europeans, but now they are enslaved by their own soil, an arid wasteland that supports only one crop, a kind of cactus, called agave, that is good for only one thing, making cloth from its fibers. An industrious Indian can make a few pesos a day whacking at the cactus, bundling it and selling it to government processing plants. The money he makes will keep his family alive until the next day.

There are no stoves; the women spend their days gathering sticks for firewood. Sticks are hard to find. Their single-room homes are built up from whatever is around. Some are primitive adobe with thatched roofs, some are little more than wood-and- canvas lean-tos braced with tree limbs, patched with car fenders, flattened tin cans, whatever. They live four, five, eight, 12 to a room, whatever size family their god has allotted them, and a room is little more than a stone or dirt floor and a bunch of tattered hammocks strung wall to wall.

The roads are deserted but for mule carts and bicycles and the endless trudging along the sides. Trudging men with stalks of cactus. Trudging women with huge bundles of kindling on their backs, hauling-straps around their foreheads, backs bowed, heading home in the insane heat. The women all wear dresses, with a hint of slip peeking from the bottom. It is the local custom.

The young Indian girls are beautiful. The old Indian women look weary and wounded. There are no young Indian women. They go quickly from child to crone.

By all means, make it to the ruins, giant majestic temples and observatories and monoliths celebrating the munificence of the Mayan gods. This is all that is left of an Indian culture that once ruled the Yucatan, the pinnacle of civilization; a culture that knew science and mathematics and astronomy; that had money and commerce; that had mastered the land.

At the pyramids, try to understand when the tattered Indian kids come up to you with upturned faces that are no longer cute and, eyeing your camera, say the only English words they know: "Peecture. One dollar."

The ruins are due east of Merida. The land is flat, the horizon vast, the sky sandy, and if you time your return trip right you will find yourself driving off into a brilliant sunset that lasts almost an hour. It is blood red, and, after your journey, terribly moving.

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UPDATED 8.1.07

Gene Weingarten: Several people have asked me what I thought of the whole Hillary-cleavage flap, which I shall now declare The Mysterious Affair at Style, or The Ballad of Hill's Hills.

So I shall now be the last person to weigh in on it. But the most inarguably correct.

I think the whole affair was a win-win-win event, for everyone associated with it. Hillary's camp got the opportunity to express righteous indignation. to shore up the lefties, to solidify solidarity from women, and -- beautifully -- to establish, through indirection, that Hillary has femininity and is not a manbitch. The campaign actually used the thing as a fund-raiser! I wouldn't be entirely surprised if this was the plan from the beginning. If so, we;ll be reading about it circa 2009, in a tell-all campaign biography, possibly written by Woodward.

It was a terrific event for bloggers and assorted political gasbags. It has everything: breasts, sexism, breasts, politics, breasts.

And for Robin Givhan? A total windfall. Not that she needs it, but what spectacular international validation for a woman whose job is to be controversial, snarky, topical, and .... right. See, that's the thing. There is no serious issue to be debated here. Robin's story was beyond reproach, both in concept and execution. And everyone knows that, including the Hillary Clinton campaign.

Robin is the nation's premier newspaper fashion critic. She writes for Style, not the politics pages, of the Washington Post. She is SUPPOSED to be edgy, and even catty. She noticed that, for the first time in anyone's memory, Hillary allowed a hint of cleavage to show on the floor of the Senate. Hillary does nothing by accident. It was a statement of some sort. It was no less valid a story than when Robin ripped Cheney a new one for coming to a Holocaust event wearing the sort of outfit Elmer Fudd shoots rabbits in. Or when we had fun with Edwards's hair.

A difference is that this was not a critical piece. Robin was quite evenhanded, describing Hill's decision to show a bit almost admiringly. She SAID it was demure. And so forth. To suggest she was writing about "body parts" is ludicrous. She was writing about clothing choices.

So, if this were an Olympics event, it would be very Special. Everyone wins!

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Millie: What's a comics editor gotta do to get the record corrected around here? RE the chat-before-last: Schulz never said to me that he "wanted" newspapers to print Peanuts reruns. In fact, he told me, "It'll never work." (In his day, newspapers pretty much stuck to printing NEWS.)

What I probably said to you was that he'd be proud so many papers are still running them. Yes, he was THAT competitive.

Schulz was still alive when the daily reruns began in early January 2000. He understood the business need to issue reruns, but to claim that he "wanted" it infers too much.

Gene Weingarten: Noted. Apologies, Millie. But why were papers running old Peanutses when he was still producing new Peanutses? Also, what is the proper plural for Peanuts? Because, homonymically, "Peanutses" is pretty bad.

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Tulsa, Okla.: Gene,

If Karma is just mis-interpreted irony, and some of us can see that most religions are human-invented, what do you see as causing mankind to progress from acting as animals to civilization and society.

I don't mean to have a long deep philosophical discussion, it is just that where I am located there is a subset of the population that insists that their particular religion is the only thing keeping us from immediately reverting to killing, raping and looting.

I think that these people are using cheap debating skills, for they are lost when one points out that Inuit, Hindus and Muslims have a moral code that is very similar to theirs.

But

Why are we moving from the brutish to the gentle?

Now that I think about it, I insulted animals by saying that pre-civilization humans were animal like.

Thanks.

Feral T Badger

Gene Weingarten: It makes total sense from a simple Darwinian perspective. If we all get along, if we team up to practice controlled agriculture, if we stop killing each other to steal each other's women, the species survives and prospers. Surely this is clear, no?

Then we need the occasional war when it becomes necessary to thin the herd.

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Reverse Apton, ym: Britney Spears' bodyguard was issued a citation for misdemeanor battery for assaulting a photographer in Las Vegas. The body guards name is Julio Camera.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Are you still taking googlenopes?

"Alberto Gonzalez smoothly parried" and "Alberto Gonzalez deftly parried" both get zero hits. Maybe by next week they will?

Gene Weingarten: Superior!

My second 'nope column comes out this Sunday.

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Waldorf, Md.: There's a great article about the future of The Washington Post, and print newspapers in general here . The Fortune article cites your writing as an example of "the kind of thing that gives Graham hope -for the paper's future]. A tour de force of storytelling, fashioned by a consummate stylist..."

One thing that surprised me is that according to the article, "Most of the eight million monthly users of washingtonpost.com come to the site "horizontally," following links from other Web sites. A minority are "vertical" readers, who start at the Post's home page and then dig deeper." I think that most of your readers fall into the latter category.

I have to tell you that I'd pay a monthly fee for access to the site. But I suspect that won't happen until the majority of visits to the site form from vertical readers... otherwise it would scare too many people away.

I'm so proud to have this newspaper as my local paper, and grateful to have such easy access on the Internet. I can stop in for a quick article on-line while at work--something I cannot do with the print edition. The print newspaper is great for weekends, but the online paper is what I need during the week.

Gene Weingarten: I agree, and The Post management agrees. I believe they are aiming for a future where the majority of the traffic originates at The Post site.

I believe the Josh Bell story got more traffic than anything ever on the Post site. I would guess 95 percent of it was horizontal.

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Zombie likes turtles: I'm now giggling after watching this video clip from The Post yesterday. Are you this easily amused?

Gene Weingarten: No. I am completely mystified. I have no idea why people think this is remotely funny.

No offense, but I might use this as a test for the humor impaired. Those who find it funny have a problem.

The problem is, the kid seems to be deliberately subversive, but in a very pallid way. And the newscaster isn't flabbergasted enough. It's just ... vanilla.

washingtonpost.com: I guess I have a problem.

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UPDATED 8.2.07

Rockville, Md.: The airplane seat thing is like the game you used to play in camp.

Everybody stood in a circle and sat down on the knees of the person behind you. If everybody did it, nobody fell and nobody was "hurt". But if one person didn't, everybody fell.

If the person infront reclines, you recline. You get the same space and all is well.

And to the tall person sneezing on the person infront, that's assault. You should feel so proud of yourself.

Gene Weingarten: Wrong. You do not get the same space. Your access to your tray table becomes more difficult, plus, you may not WANT to recline. I can't work on a laptop when reclining.

Reclining without permission is totally inexcusable. People who do it willy-nilly are monsters. Read the next post.

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Bethesda, Md.: Gene,

For the update, and I swear I'm being dead serious about this.

If I want to recline my seat on an airplane all the way I'm going to do it, person behind me be damned. And here is why:

The person behind me is a stranger and frankly I don't care what his/her views on seat back reclining are or how tall or short they are. If you want a ton of leg room, buy a first class ticket.

I'm not going to be intimidated by you either because I fly constantly and have heard all sorts of requests, polite and rude, to put my seat up. Not once have I complied and I just don't care enough about your comfort to compromise mine. Also, its the rare person who is not a child that can kick an adult's seat for the duration of a flight, and usually the flight attendants will take care of that if asked. Nobody wants the humiliation of being arrested at the gate because they acted like a child.

I paid for a seat that reclines a certain amount, and I'm going to do whatever I can to make myself comfortable. I also paid for a seat knowing full well the guy in front of me could recline his. I live with it, and so should everyone else.

As for your comparison to prisoners in a cage watching out for one another: ask any ex-con how trust they had in any other inmate to watch their back. Answer is zero: its a dog eat dog world, and that extends to airplanes.

Gene Weingarten: This. Says. It. All.

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Baltimore, Md.: Reclining seats and screaming children are both awful... My take, if you decide to have children, you've given up your freedom to travel, go out to eat, etc. unless they can behave. You made the choice. I didn't. I want to rest on the plane. I want to eat my dinner in peace.

This sounds tongue-in-cheek but it is not. I'm annoyed with all these damn kids in restaurants lately!!!

Gene Weingarten: You should meet the person from the previous post! You'd probably hit it off!

What is WRONG with you people. Weren't you once a screaming baby? People need to travel.

I agree about a restaurant. We didn't go out to eat for two years because Molly was a horror.

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West Annandale, Va.: Just venting my poll addiction/frustration here. My answers are (would have been?):

1. Wait to "de-cheek" drawers discretely

2. Only where water flows freely downhill

3. George Bernard Shaw

4. Cover of "American Pie" by Wayne Newton

Thanks. Hope you get the program fixed soon.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Alexandria, Va.: Hi Gene,

I'm hoping you can give me some advice. A week and a half ago our dog suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. He was only 1.5 years old and we had rescued him only 4.5 months ago. He was easily trainable, loved to run with us (even for 10 mile runs!) and was a lovable dog. After a miserable weekend of grieving, my husband and I decided to rescue another dog. Here's where your advice is needed and appreciated. This dog hates me - he won't come near me, shakes when I pet him, and is trying to show his dominance by marking the house while I'm standing there watching him. What is your advice on how to deal with this behavior? I grew up with dogs my entire life, and have never had a dominance issue with them, ever. Plus, none of my dogs have ever been scared of me. I know it's a new environment for him, but he's clinging onto my husband (who is a lot less cute and lovable than me!) and won't come near me. Please help! I want to love this dog as much as the last one, but it's been really really hard.

Thanks Gene!

Gene Weingarten: You need a professional trainer. This is a very big problem and you need to address it now. I'd recommend Victoria Schade. Google her.

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Bad Ads - Union Carbide: Here's a blast from the past (excuse the pun).

Gene Weingarten: Wow. For those of youthful countenance or bad memory, Union Carbide cause the Bhopal ecological disaster, killing and maiming tens of thousands.

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Richmond, Va.: In all fairness, when you call customer service reps as a joke, it is rough on them. They spend their day dealing with jerks who yell at them, jerks who want something free, a billion of types of jerks and jerks who think it's funny to play jokes and use up their time.

I think you're funny, but I can imagine being on the other end of one of your calls and feeling abused and all the more behind because I wasted 10 minutes on a call that doesn't go towards my quota. I'm gonna have to work through lunch because of you.

Jus' sayin'.

Gene Weingarten: The Post has never received a single complaint, and I have been doing this three or four times a year for five years. For the first time, I got an email today from one of the reps. She was laughing.

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Big Rib Cage: Women who have delicate skeletons and narrow rib cages look great in empire waists, to other women who are envious of their delicate bones, like I am.

Women with big ribs, like me, have to avoid empire waists, but we have a big lung capacity and can play the tuba.

What's sexier?

Gene Weingarten: I have heard this from several women. Substantial bosoms and narrow ribcage seems to be the most appealing aspect. Hide-age of belly seems to be an incidental benefit.

And just to make the record clear, I LIKE this look. I even like it if I think the woman is pregnant. What's not to like about a pregnant woman?

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Lincoln: "Fondly do we hope -- fervently do we pray -- that this mighty scourge of war shall speedily pass away."

The second inaugural is the much finer speech, I think. For one thing, it's longer and more complex.

Gene Weingarten: I think historians would have a healthy debate over this. An entire book, by Garry Wills, was written about the Gettysburg address. It is a terrific book.

I would argue that the Gettysburg address was more important, because it was perhaps more tactically critical. It created, in something like 500 words, the intense moral justification for the war.

I consider its terseness to be a plus.

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Cinncinnati, Ohio: I think you can help me with this. What would you do if your step-child is cold to you? What if it is due to hearing about horrible things about you from her other parent? What if all those horrible things were untrue and you were a very nice step-parent who lets the child be herself around you and you are well-liked by everyone else?

Gene Weingarten: I have never been in a divorce with children, and feel ill equipped to answer this. Can someone who has been there address it for tomorrow's update?

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UPDATED 8.3.07

Baltimore, Md.: Regarding the homophobic boyfriend. It sounds like a perfect match for me -- she needs to look in the mirror.

The fact that she said "I do not believe in discrimination against homosexuals but the fact is homosexuality is aberrant behavior" shows that she's just as much a bigot as he is but at least he's willing to admit it.

By the way, did I wander into Caroline Hax's chat?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I read right over that "aberrant" line.

Here's is what I like to say to people who argue that homosexuality is an "abnormal" lifestyle, since gays are in such a minority. I would argue that being Jewish must also be an abnormal lifestyle, because an even lesser percent of people on the Earth are Jewish.

In about 50 years, the "normalcy" of gay people will not even be debated.

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Greenbelt, Md.: Would you be in favor of airlines making their seats default to a reclined position?

Then (aside from takeoff/landing), it would be the option of the crushee to sit upright and smoosh their kneecaps, and not the crusher?

Gene Weingarten: Uh, no. Quite the opposite.

I think the airlines should have a sign asking people not to recline their seats if someone if someone is behind them, unless receiving permission. It's the only reasonable situation.

Gene Weingarten: What THAT does is set civility as the default position.

washingtonpost.com: Does your high horse fit if the seat in front of you is reclining?

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Washington, D.C.: As a journalist, the question about paying sources made me feel nauseous. Kind of like how you said you felt when you claimed you made up the interaction with the man from Sierra Leone. I hate that people think that's modus operandi.

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. Plus, not even considering the ethical considerations, which are inviolable and obvious, from a pragmatic standpoint, the idea is ridiculous. For bribes to have any chance of success, they'd need to be in the four figure range. Do people out there know what reporters make?

Woodward could probably afford it -- and that reminds me, remember how it was, for years, widely speculated, by people who should have known better, that Deep Throat was a "composite" character? Only journalists understood this was completely impossible, because that would have meant Woodward lied not only in print, but to his editors.

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Crystal City, Va.: For the girl with the homophobic boyfriend:

I think that it is possible to thread the needle on this one, assuming you're not going to dump him on Gene's say-so.

First, if his feelings/beliefs are never reflected in his actions. (You can't control feelings, but you can control actions).

Second, if he can satisfactorily answer the question of what happens if his child were gay.

I faced a somewhat similar dilema. My husband is strongly pro-life, I'm pro-choice, but would personally not have an abortion. We got through the dating process okay by avoiding the politics of the issue, but when faced with marriage the question occurred to me, what if a daughter wanted an abortion and needed parental consent?

I finally asked him, and he really struggled with the idea. He finally said that he would try and talk her out of it, and help her with other options, but if that was her decision, he would support her and still love her.

I imagine Dick Cheney went through the same process with Mary. Sometimes family trumps personal beliefs.

Gene Weingarten: I'm sorry, but your situations are not parallel. Your husband's response is completely believable and sane. But the decision he would be forced into would be a question of the moment: what to do in a crisis situation. Whether he would be supportive or not supportive of a decision she wanted to make that he considered immoral.

It was not a referendum about whether his daughter was a sick, immoral person; he can think she made the wrong decision but still love and respect her. A parent of a gay child who, deep down and inalterably, considers his child a pervert -- no. Wholly different. A bad parent.

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One track mi, ND?: Am I the only one who thought that Buxley was in her underwear because she is having sex with the repairman and the thing in her pocket is the "missing part on -her] heating thingy?" She sabotaged the heater to have an excuse to call the repairman, and she probably broke the sink so he would have to stay longer. I admit that I never read Beetle Bailey, but this was the explanation that was immediately obvious to me. I will add that I'm female, and no, I have never personally devised such a ploy.

Gene Weingarten: Good God.

I love you.

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The Hill: "[T]he situation you describe seems to me to be the story of being an adult man. Learn to like it. It is not so bad."

I want to understand, Gene, but I do not. What is there to like? As a single guy, I find zero to like and everything to hate. I don't appreciate the attractiveness of an aging body. I hate the regret I feel that I spent my formative years studying and working and not hitting on women. I am horribly jealous of the young men who get to undress such a body.

What on earth is there to like? I really, really want to see what you see -- but it just seems tragic.

Gene Weingarten: There is no way I could possibly explain it to you.

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AtticusFi, NC: As an English teacher and fervent admirer of the novel "To Kill a Mockingbird," I am irritated and somewhat disgusted that people use the name Atticus as a way of trying to associate their kid with a fictional character's ideals, and/or their own politics or "kreativity," which no less evident than naming a kid Madasin or Braedon. The character Atticus has admirable traits, but for many readers (particularly African American ones) Atticus represents the white patriarchy, more subtle and refined than other white authority figures, but still a "father knows best" who can not be contradicted. Re-read the trial scene. Atticus's client says hardly a word. From first to last, it is all about Atticus, and it is not his life that is on the line.

Gene Weingarten: I think you are libeling Atticus. He felt deeply about the injustice he was seeing. He did not permit the n-word to be used. He understood the poison of dehumanizing an entire race.

But he also was a lawyer with a case to win, in the prejudiced deep South. This is not necessarily consistent, tactically, with making the trial about the dark-skinned black man.

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Kansas City, Mo.: A grisly aptonym from today's news: "Authorities today charged two female teenagers with kidnapping and assault, saying said they elaborately plotted to kill a Missouri woman and cut her unborn son from her womb.

Lauren M. Gash, 19, of Odessa, and Alisa D. Betts, 17, of Atchison, Kan., appeared in court this afternoon and were arraigned on felony kidnapping charges."

(Mom and baby are okay, by the way.)

On a completely unrelated note: I'm trying to plan a surprise birthday dinner for my wife. As part of this plot, I'd like to send her to a salon and spa for a few hours before dinner and arrange for some treatments for her while I whisk the kids off to Grandma's for the night. We're coming up on our second anniversary (though we've been together for six years now, since high school) and I haven't tried to pull off a big romantic gesture like this yet, or at least not successfully. What would you suggest I arrange for her at the salon? Or what would you do instead?

Gene Weingarten: What I would do is ask someone other than me. You need a woman who has been to a spa.

washingtonpost.com: As a woman who regularly visits the spa, I would recommend two treatments tops. Maybe a 60-minute massage and a pedicure or manicure. I've done spa days where I do three or four treatments that, taken on their own, are relaxing. But after the second hour you start feeling like a piece of tenderized meat. Some spas offer packages like this that also include a lunch.

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Astrology: While I don't believe in horoscopes telling what's going to happen in a given day, I know too many people who have personality traits and other characteristics in line with their zodiacal sign to totally dismiss it. What do you think of the following:

Our current President is a Cancer. Here's a partial description of Cancers: Those born under this Sign are 'roots' kinds of people and take great pleasure in the comforts of home and family. Traditions are upheld with great zest in a Cancer's household, since these folks prize family history and love communal activities. They also tend to be patriotic, waving the flag whenever possible. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way. If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn't do the trick, however, they're not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen.

President Clinton is a Leo. Here's an excerpt from the description of Leos: These folks are impossible to miss, since they love being center stage. Making an impression is Job One for Leos, and when you consider their personal magnetism, you see the job is quite easy. Leos are an ambitious lot, and their strength of purpose allows them to accomplish a great deal. The fact that these folks are also creative makes their endeavors fun for them and everyone else. Warmth and enthusiasm seems to seep from every Leo pore, making these folks a pleasure to be around. They do love pleasure!

Gene Weingarten: Those are your definitions. Here are other Cancer definitions, from the web:

Cancer Positive Traits

Loving and Emotional

Shrewd and cautious

Sensitive and nurturing

Intuitive as well as imaginative

Sympathetic and Protective

Cancer Negative Traits

Indecisive and moody

Over-emotional and sensitive

Clinging and possessive

Bush may be shrewd, but he is not cautious. He is the least indecisive person on the planet. He is completely insensitive. He is neither intuitive nor imaginative.

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Gene Weingarten: I have received several excellent responses to yesterday's question about the role of a step-parent, when the child is hostile. They all make similar points. This one says it best:

Two years ago, I married a man with a 15-year-old daughter, so I have been able to experience what is possibly the worst time in a female child's life, up close and personal. She is now 17 and still lives primarily with us. It hasn't always been smooth, but we are far luckier than most and she is a great kid.

What I would tell the stepparent is to remember that your relationship with this child is unique and separate from your relationship with each of their parents (and you do have a relationship with both of them whether you want one or not, just not necessarily a good one). Stepparent can be a tough role¿you are more than just a random adult but you do not have the full rights and privileges of a parent. You cannot control what the other parent has said about you, so the only thing you can do is not play into those fears or stereotypes.

You must, must, must always take the high road. Do not express anger, disgust or snarkiness towards the other parent, no matter what they have said about you. Do not rise to the bait if the child tries to get a rise out of you. Think of your favorite elementary school teacher¿the one that all of the children loved and also obeyed and respected¿and try to emulate the attitude. Let your demeanor show that although you care about the child, you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior. Don't be afraid to call her on it if you catch her, but don't dwell on it and don't bring up past incidents. If she brings up specific things that the other parent has said about you, ask her what she thinks about that. Has she ever seen you say or do anything that squares with the bad thing that was said? Kids are smart¿they usually figure out who is sniping and whether or not stuff they have been told is true.

But mostly, try to get to know the child. Take her shopping with you (to the hardware store or to the grocery store, whatever you happen to be doing) or have a meal together, just the two of you. Ask her to tell you about herself¿who is her best friend? What is her teacher like? Who is the most interesting person in her class? Get her to help pick out Christmas/Hannukah/birthday gifts for your spouse. It may seem forced at first, but kids pick up on when adults are genuinely interested in them.

The bottom line is: Treat her like an individual, not like a category. This is your stepdaughter, not just your spouse's kid. Make that relationship count for something.

For the record, I didn't arrive at this wisdom, such as it is, in the short span of two years. I had a wonderful role model: My sister-in-law. My brother married her when his kids were only 6 and 8. She was a single, successful career woman who suddenly found herself sharing primary caretaking responsibility for two young children (my brother has always had primary custody of his kids, with his ex having more or less visitation over the years). The kids are now 16 and 18 and have a great relationship with her that is totally independent of the relationship they have with their dad and their mom. When my nephew was 15, he even asked his stepmom to chaperone his first school dance, and called her into the hall in the middle to ask advice on asking a girl to dance! Anyone who has ever known a freshman teenaged boy knows what kind of trust that takes! Lisa rocks.

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Submit your questions to next week's chat horizontally.

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