Chatological Humor (Updated 9.7.07)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

DAILY UPDATES: 9.5.07 | 9.6.07 | 9.7.07

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Polls: First, men enter here, women over here. Then, reconvene and take this bonus one-size-fits-all poll.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

This will be a mercifully short introduction, but it will still take you some time to get through it. Lotsa of fabulous links.

Outside my window, right now, a movie is being shot at Eastern Market. Streets cordoned off, techs walking around, cameras dollying. I am reliably informed that this will be a Leo DiCaprio movie, and the scene being shot will feature shooting from attack helicopters. Imagine the person happening upon this scene by accident.

Speaking of movies, I need to go out on a limb here, because I am desperately looking for like-minded persons. On Saturday the rib and I saw what we both believe to be one of the worst movies made in the last many years, a nearly unwatchable piece of crap. By mid-movie, I was fidgeting, looking at my watch, etc. This movie did not even have the benefit of being comically bad, which can be its own charm. Bad, bad, bad. The problem here is that this is a movie that has met with considerable critical acclaim; my own newspaper liked it a lot. The movie is "Once."

Anybody see it in the last week, and care to opine?

The essential flaw in this movie is that it requires you to accept that the central character is musically gifted and that you are witnessing the birth of a fabulous talent, despite the fact (here it comes) that he is mediocre, his music is mediocre, and his lyrics are insipid. So the entire movie comes off as an agreed-upon lie, and every scene in which you are supposed to be suffused with excitement, along with the other characters mooning over this great talent, you feel abused, instead.

It also contained one idiot plot twist, which is one too many, AND a scene so cliched that it would have been funny had it not been presented so earnestly.

Anyone want to take me apart on this?

For the second straight week, many newspapers around the country, including mine, withheld an "Opus" from you. Here was this week's. It's even better than last week's, IMAO, and you will be delighted to check out that Web site. The burquini is a real phenomenon. More so than last week, I think, this one is making fun of Muslim customs, but in a gentle, almost appreciative way. Again, I think it was absolutely wrong, and condescending, of The Post to decide you could not see this.

Now, the links.

The first one, thanks to Dave Barry, is from China. Chatwoman insists that I warn you that there is a printed vulgarity, and those who might be offended by such should not click HERE.

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My friend Ali Gharib sent in this delightful thing. What I especially like about it is the talking-head banter. These people clearly have the experience to know EXACTLY why this is really funny.

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Now check this out. It's the jaunty, friendly tone that made me laugh the most.

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And here we have something truly spectacular. It is a real-time audience-tested reaction to the believability of Michael Vick's mea culpa speech. Make sure you watch until the very end.

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And finally, a major test of the Turtle Boy funny-or-not-funny continuum. Here is a clip supplied by my friend Kate Jones. I laughed out loud, continually, for minutes. Chatwoman found it a crashing bore. It's about a pretty hacky standup comic, doing pretty awful improve shtick, who gets handed a fabulous gift. It takes a full minute before something starts to happen, and then you have to watch for three more minutes. So you may want to put this off till the chat starts to get boring or something.

Please take TODAY'S POLLS: (First, men enter here, women over here. Then, reconvene and take this bonus one-size-fits-all poll.). They were occasioned by a hemorrhage of posts from people who disliked the last couple of chats, were tired of my arrogant, pompous attitudes on religion and meat-eating, and warned me I was squandering a lot of goodwill. Am I not human? Am I not a prick? No, wait, if you prick me, do I not bleed? Anyway, I decided to order an attack-helicopter airstrike on my head. Comments on the results during the chat.

(By the way, Monday's Prickly City may well be in response to me. Maybe not. Could be! Lord knows, I have attacked Stantis before.

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We have a quadruple Comic Pick of the Week -- Sunday's Doonesbury, yesterday and today's Pearls, and, of course, Sunday's REAL Opus.

A special thank you to today's Big Nate for a totally gratuitous bit of ham-handed sexual innuendo. And clearly it's going to continue!

Okay, let's go.

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Gene Weingarten: This important world-class aptonym, just in from Dave Barry:

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Gene Weingarten: Ogle Accused of Ogling Teen Girls, (Napa Valley Register, Sept. 1)

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Gene Weingarten: Which reminds me of yet another. Several readers sent me a horrific story, which I will not link to because it douses the humor big time, about a man accused of assault while in a homicidal fury: his name is "Rage Ibrahim."

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Woodstock 69: Gene,

New to your chat. I noticed from the survey that you at least claim to have been in attendance at Woodstock '69 - (I'll be crushed if it's a lie). Where you there from Richie Haven's performance right through to Jimi's? If so, what were some of the more memorable experiences you had at the concert? I have read most every book written on the concert and the one dealing with the making of the Warner Bros. movie was probably the best. Hugh Romney, aka Wavy Gravy, does some recorded reminiscences which are played on Sirius satellite radio now and then. His voice sounds very, very gravelly these days. It's amazing he's still alive. Peace.

washingtonpost.com: Zzzzz... can we talk about the Flash?

Gene Weingarten: I spent most of the time helping out in the medical tent. The most memorable moment was seeing the guy brought in who had been run over by a tractor while in his sleeping bag. Very, very bad.

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Gedank, EN: Thought experiment for you:

You have been magically transported inside Dick Cheney's body while he is in a meeting on the 50th floor of a skyscraper. You don't know how long you will remain in control before Dick potentially returns to his normal state of consciousness. Do you fling yourself out the window? Is this murder, or suicide, or both? If you don't, do you try to use your time in charge to undo some of the damage he has done, or do you just check into a mental hospital?

Gene Weingarten: I don't wish death on Cheney, and I certainly wouldn't risk killing myself inadvertently. I would maneuver my Cheney self into a situation where I was in the presence of as many people as possible -- to ensure that this gets out -- and simply start uttering things I want to Cheney to say. Some would be stating undeniably truths that need to be said, such as the fact that he and his boss are stubbornly prolonging a lost war, placing Americans in harm's way for unconscionably selfish reasons: because they cannot face the reality that they are utter failures and will be blamed for the greatest foreign policy debacle in American history.

But then I'd have some fun:

"Has anyone noticed that the president has an excellently shaped behind?"

"I have always seriously wondered what human flesh tastes like."

That sort of thing.

Ooh, wait, and I might get a tattoo! Right on the side of the neck! Like, maybe one of Georgia O'Keeffe's mor vulvar flower paintings.

Meanwhile, it would occur to me with horror that during the time I was inhabiting Dick's body, he might be inhabiting mine. I'd probably find out afterward from my wife, when she asked me why, at an intimate moment, I had cried out the name of "Lucifer, Harvester of Souls."

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Washington, D.C.: You've always been supremely arrogant and sanctimonious, but belittling people for doing EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO YOURSELF has to top it all. "How dare you eat meat, just like I do?"

I eat meat, with full awareness of what that entails. I know it's killing a sentient being. I ALSO know that abortion ends what will eventually become human life, that stem cell research destroys embryos, and that I'm living on land that rightfully belongs to the Potomac tribe. That doesn't stop me from being pro-choice and pro-stem cell research, or from living here. You want to call me immoral for any of that, then fine. I'll be the immoral guy who actually enjoys his food.

Gene Weingarten: But I am belittling myself, too. I think we're all beasts, as it were.

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Stage Fright, N.C.: Greetings Gene - I've been a long time reader of the chat, and a long time fan of your fascination with bodily functions and bathroom behavior. While using a public restroom this weekend, I realized that (as far as I know) you have never addressed the phenomenon of male stage fright while using urinals in public restrooms.

When using urinals in public restrooms, I am physically unable to go while others are next to me, whether or not there is a divider/splash guard in place. If I'm already in the process of going, my stream will halt if someone approaches a neighboring urinal to mine. What the heck is this all about? It's been a problem of mine since I can remember. I know I'm not the only man who experiences this. My solution is to use stalls to pee in public restrooms. I am definitely jealous of the majority of men who have no problems and just walk right up to a urinal (or even trough!) and take care of their business with no problems.

It's been suggested to me in the past that it has something to do with a deep-seeded homophobic issue, but I really don't think that's it. I don't care if some weirdo wants to check out my piece while I'm urinating. Also, I am used to being naked around other men in the locker room at the gym, and I am not bothered in that situation.

Please explain why this happens to me and many others. Also, is there anything that will cure this or at least make it a little better?

Gene Weingarten: As you probably know, this is called a shy bladder syndrome. I have a theory, but I don't know if it is right. You have an underlying embarrassment of being seen naked. You don't know you have it because in socially required situations like a locker room, you're head takes over and orders you to strip. Your head can also order you not to feel embarrassed.

But your body is a different thing. Your body can close down if it disagrees with your head. It's analagous to a guy who simply cannot "perform" if he is nervous or conflicted. His head has permitted him to proposition the woman, to remove her clothes, to remove his clothes, etc. But at some point, the body says, nuh-uh.

It's a guess. I'm probably wrong. But it's a fun guess and I got to bring sex into it.

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Once: So, yeah, it was whining-white-boy music, but I liked the girl and the scenery was good. What's not to like?

Gene Weingarten: IT was highly mediocre whiny white boy music. And the movie was based upon your acceptance that it was great. Those lyrics were AWFUL.

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Astoungi, NG: Who are all these people who dislike googlnopes? The continued pursuit of finding googlenopes means that our civilization will have recorded all possible human thought, including inane thoughts. Especially inane thoughts, really. Without googlenopes, I would never think to search for "el presidente con queso" for instance (currently a googlenope). The mind boggles...and it possibly boggles con queso.

Gene Weingarten: I agree. And I forgot the Nope of the Week!!!!

Two from googlenope.com: Died in a sheep stampede, and "itinerant scrotum waxer."

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Washington, D.C.: I am already disappointed in you for even including the choice about Eric Shansby, because I knew him passingly in high school and now I will NEVER GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD.

I hate you.

Gene Weingarten: I apologize. If it helps, ERic and I are just very, very, very, very, very close special friends.

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Bethesda, Md.: I am back to reading your chats after a five month hiatus. I was diagnosed with cancer in April and today is my first day back to work. I had the perfect opportunity to read your chats while I was recuperating at home (or in the hospital), but I didn't feel mentally up to it. I thought about you a lot and your hypochondriac ways, but I just didn't have the heart to read the chats. For all of your readers, please keep an eye on your body. I discovered my cancer only because I was wheezing a lot when I exercised and finally got an echocardiogram for my heart to see what the problem was. Bam! It was lymphoma. I'm only 37 and I was in good health so it can happen to anyone.

I'm glad to be back and I'm ready to laugh.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, yours was a ten month hiatus, because I was on a five-month hiatus up to April.

Welcome back.

Yes, folks, listen to your bodies. BUT NOT WITH A STETHOSCOPE. (The line between due vigilance and hypochondria is as thin as a diaphragm.)

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Child porn: I seem to remember, in a past chat, that you made an argument along the lines that it would be defensible for someone with an attraction to children to have child porn as an outlet, if it prevented them from acting on their impulses. I think we were discussing hypothetical Photo-Shopped images, so there was no actual exploitation of children in the creation of the porn. The presence of child porn on your computer could mean a lot of things -- a story you are researching, downloaded inadvertently in an attachment. How disappointed I would be would depend greatly on these factors.

Gene Weingarten: I think the nature of the poll assumes it was for my own enjoyment.

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Icthyopolis, Nev.: I am a physicist. I am pretty much with you regarding superstitious beliefs. But there is one odd thing I have noticed: In some particular ways, these beliefs function pretty well for people. I study Karate. I am not a master, but I have worked with some pretty amazing people. Every so often, a master will talk about Chi and the flow of mystical energy or some such thing. What I have started to realize is that although the belief in the thing is complete nonsense, suspending disbelief and thinking about it in this magical way seems to help one to move in the right way. I don't think I would ever, or could ever, really believe, but I sometimes wonder if my knowledge of what is really physically happening keeps me back. The body is such a sloppy physical system, with imprecise chemical controls, and misleading sensory apparatus, that it is not surprising that we might have to fool our consciousness into the right place to get the best results. On the other hand, I see constant evidence that a knowledge of physical law is immensely useful, and I wouldn't trade it for mysticism. Funny old world, ain't it?

Gene Weingarten: I agree. I think we believe what we need to believe to get through the day. And I think the mind is far more powerful than we give it credit for.

You know, for 20 years, every time my life or career was not going in a good direction, my brain informed me of this by creating a terrible pain somewhere; sometimes, with dramatic, unignorable symptoms. Once, all the skin on my hands peeled off. Each time it forced me to take stock of where I was in life and make a major change. Yeah, it was hypochondria -- specifically psycho-somatic behavior -- but it was also a pretty impressive demonstration of the power of thought.

So, sure. Use the force; suck that chi out of the air. Whatever it takes.

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Falls Church, Va.: There are way too many good chats at noon today. i am gonna be struggling to keep up.

Gene Weingarten: Shales! An oddity.

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Logic, Al: Almost all my answers on the men's side of the poll had to do with various forms of unfaithfulness to the Rib. Understand the violations of journalistic integrity would have bothered me, but I didn't check any of those because to me one of your outstanding characteristics is your love and affection for your wife. I see I'm in the minority here, but those are my feelings.

On the second poll, I couldn't check anything because my biggest problem with the chats wasn't on there - that's the inability to submit a response to the current chat to be considered in the week's updates. I rarely am able to chat live, but read afterwards. Responding next week is too late and too stale. Please reconsider. (I almost went with "Googlenopes aren't funny", but just occasionally they are.)

Gene Weingarten: You can submit to me personally, as it were, at weingarten(at)washpost.com.

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Googlenope: You just killed a Googlenope by putting "vulvar flower paintings" out there on the internet. At least "vulval flower paintings" will still be a Googlenope. Wait...crap, not anymore.

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Washington, D.C.: Okay, I'll bite. What did The Flash do at Woodstock?

washingtonpost.com: Got the hell out of there. Quick.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA.

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHA.

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Shy Bladd, ER: Hi Gene,

I guess I had what you'd call a shy bladder. But it was cured, by testicular cancer. With enough people of various genders looking and prodding all around, not to mention doing surgery down there, I sort of decided there's nothing to be self-conscious about anymore.

Just to finish the story, I'm fine now. That was ten years ago, and I have three kids seven and under.

Gene Weingarten: That's sort of the way I was cured of hypochondria.

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Movie recommendation: Death at a Funeral. Very funny and, I think, sufficiently disgusting for your tastes.

Gene Weingarten: Speaking of which, I missed an excellent toon. Liz, can you link to Sunday's Pearls? Pearls had a great week.

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Slee, PY: Gene, I have a Problem.

I have some new neighbors in the apartment building next door. Their bedroom window is a few feet away from mine. They reeeeeeallly love each other. I haven't met them yet, but I know their names, their pet names, and many other personal details that I really wish were kept personal and in keeping this chat safe for work will not go into. They do not like to close their windows. OK, it's hot out. But with the amount of noise they make nearly EVERY NIGHT, waking me up and forcing me to listen (OK, yes, I could close my windows. But it's hot out. And I don't have AC and my fan is broken. And I really don't know that that would shut out the sound anyway, like I said, they're just a few feet away and REALLY loud.) -- TWICE last night -- I am getting very tired.

Now look, I am a hot young female reader, and I don't want to deny anybody their fun. But I am not a voyeur, and it is clear that they are getting some of their fun by making others listen (I could accept that they might, in the heat of things, get too loud once or twice, and then I would laugh at them and go to sleep. But no. This is weeks now, and it is LOUD and PROLONGED and GRAPHIC.)

What do I do? I'm not really sure this constitutes a city "noise violation" that I could call the police for (as uncomfortable as that would be explaining over the phone anyway...). I saw someone outside the other day I think might be their landlord, and nearly spoke up that he might want to have a word with his tenants before someone else calls the cops, but that was weird and I didn't say anything. I don't even (thank god) know what these people look like, so I can't confront them were I to see them outside.

The whole thing has gotten very uncomfortable though. I don't enjoy spending 30-90 minutes every night, when I want to be sleeping as I work very early, listening to their lovefest. Or whatever. I nearly shouted out my window last night for them to "Get a room" (haha, right, cause they have one...), but I figured if they get off knowing people can hear them, outside comments would probably just make them... "happier".

Advice? Anyone?

Gene Weingarten: I doubt if they are doing this deliberately. They might be, but I think it more likely that they are simply oblivious to the fact that there are other people in the world.

How about sliding a note under their door? Offer them an option:

Close your windows during sex. Or:

Be prepared to have your performances (substandard in many ways) critiqued, point by point, via bullhorn.

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Anonymous:"But then I'd have some fun:

'Has anyone noticed that the president has an excellently shaped behind?'

'I have always seriously wondered what human flesh tastes like.'

That sort of thing."

But wouldn't that undercut the other stuff, and give the returned-Cheney an opportunity to disclaim the whole episode as a reaction to his heart meds, or some such?

Gene Weingarten: It actually wouldn't matter. everyone would know he believed that first one because it is so obviously true.

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washingtonpost.com: Pearls Before Swine, ( Sept. 2)

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Anonymous: I saw Once about a month ago and really liked it. I went in with no expectations and was pleasantly surprised. I liked the music (bought the soundtrack) like the character development, and liked the ending. I don't really see what you found so unpleasant about it, other than it was probably kind of boring. The main character is played Glen Hanserd, the lead singer of The Frames, a great Dublin-area band that has been around for 15-20 years. I'm a big fan, so I enjoyed watching his performance. Also, what is the idiot plot twist you speak of? If you don't like folk music I can see why you wouldn't like this movie, but I don't see how you think it is the worst movie you have ever seen. I watched Snakes on a Plane this weekend and THAT is absolutely the worst movie I have ever seen, hands down.

Gene Weingarten: Boring does not do it justice. It was stultifying.

I don't want to discuss the plot twist, because some poor slobs might still want to watch it. It's what happened at the end.

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Once, NYC: Gene, I still heart you, but you missed the point of "Once." The "Once" in question was the meeting of the two main characters as soul mates, and their unraveling in that regard (of which, yes, the music was part) The question the movie posed was "What would you do if, despite whatever your current state of affairs -- relationship wise -- you find your soul mate, find true love, find that completeness." Do you take the chance?

The music wasn't the point, and for what it is worth, i agree.. it was pretty mediocre.

Gene Weingarten: What a stupid, yucky, chicky, point. Listen, if the point WASN'T the music, then they sure devoted a lot of time to the music. A. Lot. Of. Screen. Time. To. Bad. Music.

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Re: It would be defensible for someone with an attraction to children to have child porn as an outlet, if it prevented them from acting on their impulses: But in fact, it fuels the flame and increases the chance the person will act on the impulses. The pics validate the feelings, make the person feel less ashamed and more likely to act on them.

Gene Weingarten: I don't think I believe that. Cite something.

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Googlenope:"his rotund mistress"

Gene Weingarten: Haha. See, that is funny.

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Rockville, Md.: You write:

"stating undeniably truths that need to be said, such as the fact that he and his boss are stubbornly prolonging a lost war, placing Americans in harm's way for unconscionably selfish reasons: because they cannot face the reality that they are utter failures and will be blamed for the greatest foreign policy debacle in American history."

But I do deny. These are your opinions crafted to win an election. You want us to leave the war for your political gain. Get real. This is a difficult war. That is all. Our casualties are low to moderate. We have never had a base overrun. We are making progress. The opposition is from those who have little or no patience, but an over supply of self righteousness.

Just my opinion, of course.

But:

I deny.

And you say I can't.

Gene Weingarten: Fair enough.

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Carrboro, N.C.: The movie question brings up an interesting case where a novelist has it much easier than a filmmaker. A novelist writing about a great musician or visual artist (Mann's "Dr. Faustus", Rushdie's "The Ground Beneath Her Feet") does not actually have to produce believable artistic works of merit consistent with the tale. The filmmaker does, or at least has to convince the viewer to join in the shared fiction that the works are of the claimed quality.

Gene Weingarten: Well, how do you do that if the quality is not there?

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If I controlled Dick Cheney's body: Four words. The Larry Craig Manuever.

Gene Weingarten: Ooooh.

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Washington, D.C.: The person who has the loud neighbors reminded me of something that happened on our vacation a few weeks back. One night we heard a male voice clearly in the throes of passion in the hotel room next to ours. This guy was having a very good time. My wife and I thought, well good on him, but why isn't his partner speaking up? Does he not notice that she's, uh, completely silent? We got our answer the next morning when two men came out of the room.

Gene Weingarten: Ah.

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Jaunty hum, OR: What's really awesome about the Washlet site is what happens when you roll over the faces of the happy, happy people before clicking on them -- the sounds as well as the sights. What could their expressions possibly foretell? Hee hee hee.

Gene Weingarten: I didn't notice this! There are sounds?

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Anonymous:"Washington, D.C.: Okay, I'll bite. What did The Flash do at Woodstock?

washingtonpost.com: Got the hell out of there. Quick.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA"

This reminds me of one of the best musical jokes ever.

What did one Deadhead say to another Deadhead at the Greatful Dead concert when they ran out of pot?

Man, this music sucks.

Gene Weingarten: Ha.

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Dogs: I have a question, for Molly perhaps. Why is it that the average lifespan of dogs has not increased? With all the medical advancements over the last century, the human lifespan has gotten significantly longer. Dogs life spans, however, have not. Certainly veterinarians perform more surgeries, chemotherapies, etc. than they did 100 years ago.

Just curious.

Gene Weingarten: There is an answer to this.

Human life spans are pretty much standard, and have not appreciably increased, either. Our maximum life spans are pretty well programmed into our genes, by when our DNA begin to shred and fall apart. Or something (I may have that a little off.)

What has happened over the centuries is that more and more people approach those maximum lifespans. I think it is the same with dogs and cats. More dogs are hitting 17 and 18 because of better diets and vet care.

Before Reagan, as I recall, the president who hit the oldest age was.... John Adams.

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Once defense: It's that the two are passionate about their music, love the songs with that passion, and hence connect to each other so intrinsically. The girl recognizes and understands the boy's fervor and she is drawn in. We don't need to love or even appreciate the songs; there is no expectation of musical success for the boy or girl at the end of the movie. It's just our amazement and joy at seeing how some songs move 2 people together that makes the movie work.

Gene Weingarten: Chick. Chickflicky goop.

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Baltimor, ON: Re: your poll: Frankly, between my cynicism in general (basically, I believe that anyone with extreme left- or right-wing views is simply destined to be caught as a flaming hypocrite) and the fact that you (and others like Dave Barry) exhibit what you already acknowledge is a somewhat exaggerated or phony facade/persona on these chats and in your column, I have to say that almost none of your choices would have really surprised me, with the possible exception of the alleged dog-fighting. Not that I actually THINK you're some buggerin' scum of the earth, but... ya know what? You're a comedian, in that sense, and they build nice facades. I know a wonderfully nice guy who spent years as a circus clown. He almost went to jail for being a wife-beater, now divorced and alone. I still have to deal with the guy professionally in a new line of work, but, still...

Gene Weingarten: YOU WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT I PIMPED OUT A FRIEND TO GET THE ZUCCHINI STORY? THAT I WAS PORKIN' ERIC SHANSBY?

Wow.

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Ego, ID: From Thursday's NYTIMES.COM:

Annals of things you can't make up: The American Prospect's Garance Franke-Ruta, writing on her personal blog, TheGarance.com, digs through the case history of sexual solicitation in public restrooms. Her best discovery is the name of an Idaho decision that "ruled that (solo) masturbation within an enclosed restroom stall was constitutionally protected behavior as the individual within the stall had a reasonable expectation of privacy within the stall." The case: State v. Limberhand.

Gene Weingarten: Yes. Wow.

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Langua, GE: Hi Gene!

I've been wondering how you feel about the use of foul language. When, if ever, is it appropriate? Should children hear bad words? Does your opinion change if it is a man or a woman who uses the words?

I generally find it unattractive when someone overuses bad words, but I'm not against the use of them entirely. Perhaps I've been desensitized by hearing them so often and seemingly everywhere that they have little to no shock value for me anymore.

What do you think?

Gene Weingarten: I have no problem with bad words, unless they are used excessively, which means they are being used lazily and inappropriately.

I never watched my tongue much around my kids, when they were kids. But I also, naturally, used the f word and the s word and such only when warranted. I care about word usage. I never used the c word because the rib would have freaked and beat me up, and I never used any racial epithets, even ironically.

Oddly -- or, perhaps, predictably -- both my my kids have cleaner vocabularies than I do. They seldom curse, but when they do IT IS APPROPRIATE.

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Arlington, Va.: There are acts that would make me think less of you, as a person, and acts that would make me think you are a crappy journalist. If you're a crappy journalist, I'm not going to read your Magazine articles any longer. If you're a miserable human being, I'm not turning up for chats.

I've voted for scummy politicians because I knew they'd vote the way I wanted them to.

I've got friend to whom I'd donate an organ, but no way would I have them do my taxes.

I think this is the reverse of the Seinfeld claim, although it's a platonic version: I don't have to be impressed by you professionally to like you personally, and vice versa.

Gene Weingarten: Very interesting analysis. Better than what I was going to do, of the poll.

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Alexandria, Va.: The thing about Googlenopes is that, despite the vast quantities of information on the Internet, is that they're too easy to make. Take any reasonably obscure or illogical combination of words and there you have it. It's like handing someone a deck of cards and asking them to find one that's not the ace of spades, then gasping at their genius when they manage to pick any of the other 51 cards.

Gene Weingarten: Well, the trick is to also make them funny, dude.

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Going to the chapel:: Gene I like the ideas of weddings. But the Sunday magazine article featuring that spoiled, self-absorbed couple would make me reconsider the whole idea.

$60K???? Crying in their (non Johnnie Walker black) scotch over brown edges on some of the flowers????

And now they are going to have a kid! Some deity has a sick sense of humor! Pity the OB staff if the labor doesn't go EXACTLY as scripted.

Do you think having a kid will teach them a bit of humility or will the kid be farmed out to a nanny most of the time.

Would you consider a poll about this?

washingtonpost.com: A Man's Job, ( Post Magazine, Sept. 2)

Gene Weingarten: I would. I think maybe next week we poll about weddings. I hesitate only because everyone knows how I feel.

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DogBreedClarificati, ON: Gene, first, I'm a long-time reader, but this is the first time I've sent you a post. Thanks for lightening up my Tuesdays for so many years!

I kept waiting for you to make a correction in your updates regarding the Bernese vs. Burmese Mountain dog breed, but didn't see it, so I thought I'd write in this weekend (can't chat participate from work). There are both Bernese and Burmese Mountain dog breeds. Please see the Burmese Mountain Dog Club of America official site.

It starts off with "The handsome Burmese Mountain Dog is often confused with the fine Swiss farm dog called the Bernese Mountain Dog, but lives a very different life in its native Myanmar."

I looked it up because you sounded so certain and I was confused... my neighbors have what I always thought was a Burmese Mountain dog (it is). I have to say, the neighbor's Burmese is perhaps the most beautiful dog I have ever seen.

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: Wow! I had no idea. I bet the poster WAS referring to a Bernese, but still.

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Lousy Movies: There's plenty of lousy movies that are nonetheless acclaimed. My "favorite" is the Blair Witch Project. After watching it, I felt I was duped into wasting my time, money and high expectations on a film acclaimed by clueless critics and an ignorant public.

Gene Weingarten: Me, too. I think it was the most overhyped movie I ever saw. The Washington Post actually had a hand in the overhype. The regular film critic was on vacation, and the fill-in called it The Scariest Movie Ever Made. Bang. Cha-ching.

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Metro Center: So what kind of music do you like?

I loved "Once." I loved the music, I loved the characters, I loved it.

Perhaps it's just not your kind of music.

Gene Weingarten: Sigh. Okay.

I think it probably means something that NO ONE has so far agreed with me.

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Song Lyrics: Dude. What's it called when a lyricist has to rearrange the order of a sentence in order to make it rhyme? I see it all the time in bad poetry and hear it daily on the radio. One recent example is the Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" where he sings...

"I'd write it all

Even more in love with me you'd fall"

Only Yoda talks like that.

A name for such writing is there?

Gene Weingarten: Well, it's mangled syntax. Dylan was guilty of this in his early stuff. He outgrew it.

I was just discussing Delilah with my son: An extremely appealing song, despite some extremely terrible lyrics:

Hey there Delilah

You be good and don't you miss me

Two more years and you'll be done with school

And I'll be making history

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Pander, IN: Gene, would you pass this note to the Magazine's editor, Tom the Butcher?

Dear Tom:

I got your message that you don't want to publish a picture of my cat, Muffins, wearing a beret.

How about TWO pictures of my cat, Muffins, wearing a beret, but with 11 subtle differences between the pictures?

Call me.

- A Loyal Reader

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Calgary, Canada: And speaking of Larry Craig, there was a fanastic letter to the editor in today's Globe and Mail. I wish I'd written it. Even more, I wish I could remember the writer's name to give him credit. And more than either, I wish I had a copy nearby to reproduce it for you, but I don't. I digress. The letter called Craig out for his hypocrisy in votes to ban same-sex marriage, etc. (as who hasn't?) But the last line was transendant.

"Larry Craig was a senator from Idaho. Idaho? No, Udaho!

Gene Weingarten: Nice.

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Re: noisy neighbors: I had a similar problem about 3 years ago. It was a new construction apartment building with paper-thin walls. The layout of the apartments meant that my bedroom and their bedroom shared a wall. I could clearly hear everything: sex, conversations, arguments. It was every night and, because of the hours they kept, I rarely was able to sleep through the night. One night, they got into a minor disagreement about the movie they had watched that night, Crash, was any good. The next morning, I happened to run into the girlfriend/wife in the elevator on our way out. We chatted politely and, just as we were both exiting the elevator, I said, "oh, and I totally agree with you -- Crash was a totally pretentious piece of crap, bye!" I think she understood what I was trying to say because, while it's not like I never heard anything from them again, things quieted down to a much more tolerable level after that.

Gene Weingarten: Others have suggested loud applause after the act.

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Match Wits with the Brits: Curious to see how you and Pat the Perfect do on this little test.

Economist Style Quiz

Gene Weingarten: I got ten out of twelve, but I was right about one of them, and they are wrong.

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New York, N.Y.: Speaking of other chats, how great is Stephen Hunter? He's rarely online and when he is he makes it clear that he doesn't want to be but he is still funny and charming and clever, just like in his reviews. He's great on the radio, too. While his politics and mine would clash, I bet he's a good time to be around. He and Anthony Lane might be the two best writing critics of anything in print today.

Just wanted to give a shout out to Hunter but I think it's lame to do it in his chat. I'll shout you out in his chat later this week.

Gene Weingarten: Hunter is the best. Because he likes movies, but is mostly just a terrifically enthusiastic writer. He loves to write.

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Falls Church: So, did The Rib like the movie?

Gene Weingarten: No. Not at all. She liked it slightly better than I did. Maybe.

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Metro Center: You know, for someone who claims to "love and respect" women, it seems kind of wrong to put down things by implying that they are feminine. That is, saying that "Once" is bad by calling it "Chick. Chickflicky goop" is a bit anti-feminist.

Rather like the man who says, "I'm not homophobic," and then insults something with, "That's SO GAY!"

Gene Weingarten: Nah, the opposite. I think chickflicks are an insult to women. The equivalent of blaxploitation. I don't think women are any less capable than men of recognizing emotional manipulation.

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Peeling skin: The skin on the palms of my hands peel. What causes this? It has been happening for a little over two years. My hands get really itchy and small blisters appear. The blisters pop and the skin peels off in flakes. It's sometimes painful, but mostly just annoying. I did see a doctor once, but she told me she couldn't give me anything for it (nor did she give me any idea of what it is) because I was pregnant at the time. I've just never gone back. But I'd like to have normal hands again...any insight?

Gene Weingarten: It is a common stress reaction, but sounds like you got some fungus. See a dermatologist.

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Arlington, Va.: Okay, what exactly is appealing about Delilah?

I'll repost what I said in Du Lac's chat:

"I promise, at some point in the future, that I'll actually be able to pay the bills and not couch-surf my way through existence. In the meantime, keep pining for me even though I'm off living my life. After all, I just told you that you're pretty."

I find it appalling.

Gene Weingarten: I said the lyrics were terrible. This guy'v voice is terrific, and the tune is superior. I like to listen to the song. I just don't listen too closely.

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Fairfax, Va.: So I'm dropping my two year-old daughter off at her first day of daycare, and I'm asked to fill out a "child profile" form. I'm happy to oblige until we get into questions like "What manner of discipline works best with your child?" These are the ways I considered answering this question:

"I'm not sure, that's why I'm sending her to you."

"We don't discipline her, and I insist that you don't either. She needs to be free to grow into the pure child of light that she wants to be."

"Tylenol with codeine. I know it's not recommended for kids, but we find it shuts her up pretty good."

"She's got a HUGE fear of clowns, so, you know, get clowns."

"At home we use the 'Paddle of Justice.'"

"Have her stand in a corner and count to 100. Given that she's only two and can only count to about fifteen, that oughta take care of her for the day."

"Fire."

Gene Weingarten: Very nice.

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Doggerelly Inspir, ED: I liked your Larry Craig higgeldy piggeldy, but I wanted to share the one I composed last week during my commute home...

Higgledy piggeldy

Senator Larry Craig

Tapped his impatience while

Doing his biz

Surely he meant it not

Homoerotic'ly --

Dorothy's friend was just

Taking a Wiz!

Gene Weingarten: It's not bad, but is meter impaired in the Larry Craig line. Dactyls are a cruel mistress. Or I should say:

Dactyl forms make for a

Difficult rhyme.

Also, I don't quite get the point of the Whiz-Wiz joke.

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Help, ME: Gene, I know you are not a counselor, but I don't want to ask Carolyn.

My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have been together since high school. When we were dating, a few of my friends told me they thought he was gay, but I didn't believe them.

About five years ago I discovered that he is addicted to gay porn. This upsets me more than I can put into words. He says he is bisexual, has never been with a man, and will not cheat on me. However, I cannot shake the feeling that he really wants to be with a man and is just with me because it is the easiest thing to do. Plus, we have an eight-year-old daughter. I would want him to have shared custody, but I think he doesn't feel confident of that.

I have been distancing myself emotionally over the past few years to keep myself from being hurt when he leaves me for a man one day. Now I realize that I don't love him anymore. Well, I love him in the sense that he's part of my family, but I'm not in love with him. I can't have sex with him. It feels like he is my brother or a really good friend. I feel that I am holding him back from finding someone he could fall in love with.

Is it wrong for me to leave him?

Gene Weingarten: Liz sent this one to me last week. We discussed it at some length. I asked two other friends for their opinions, one male, one female.

I'm STILL not sure what to tell you. The presence of a child makes the obvious solution far less palatable. But I do have some thoughts.

The two of you need to talk -- to each other -- more than you apparently have. You need to be so blunt, and specific, that it will be deeply painful until it is all out, at which point it will be less painful, almost exhilarating. You will have banished the 500 pound gorilla from your home.

Your marriage does seem fractured beyond repair -- no intimacy is a very bad thing -- but you seem to be making some assumptions based on guess alone. Maybe he really HAS no desire for male contact. Maybe an open dialogue will change your mind about whether you can still love him. Maybe your absolutely honestly discussion of joint custody will push him in the direction the two of you may want.

You need it all out.

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16th and M, NW, Washington, D.C.: I agree that "Once" is a little overrated. You are free to dislike it as long as you tell me you also hated "Sideways," the most overrated piece of crap I have ever endured. If you liked "Sideways," then my heart is broken. I thought Sally Quinn dissected it quite nicely for The Post. And I am not often in agreement with Sally Quinn.

Gene Weingarten: I felt similarly about Sideways, although not so much so. I read the screenplay before I saw the movie, and the screenplay was actually a little better than the movie.

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Googlenopes aren't funny...: At least not the ones I've seen so far. Interesting maybe, but rarely funny. Neither do I care about clocks or those poem things you write sometimes. But none of that takes up so much of the chat that it's driving me crazy or anything (talk to Fisher about all the baseball blowhards in his chat). I like this chat. It's helped rid me of poop shame, helped me to dress more seductively for my man (he lurrrrrvesss pantylines), I love how much you love and respect your wife and the fun way you raised your kids and frankly, if you weren't given a free-for-all here on wapo.com, many of us would be ill-informed about a great deal of really important things, such as asparagus pee, flying tampons and how the turtle boy wasn't funny (cause he just wasn't people, look at that again). And oh yeah, the official chat baby!!

Anyways, all that typing is to say, don't change a thing my friend. Unless you want to do it everyday!! But, that would ruin it, too, because ice cream once a week is a treat, ice cream everyday is a routine. Not the same joy.

Take care.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you, but we are not allowed to mention flying tampons anymore.

This reminds me of the joke that Gina and I dissected in our book: "Three tampons are walking down the street. Which one will talk to you?"

That's a great joke.

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Life Goes, ON: Don't change a thing about the chat. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's sad and sometimes it's raunchy. Sometimes it's all of those things at once. Just like life. But please don't tell us that you and Liz really don't get along. It's one of the few things in life I count on.

washingtonpost.com: Don't worry. I love Gene as much as he loathes Cilantro.

Gene Weingarten: I have even come to love Liz's tattoos.

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Washington, D.C.:"If I were convincingly accused of accepting a $2,000 bribe to write a completely true but flatteringly slanted story about someone"....How is that a bribe? In these parts we call that "trade journalism." Or "advertorial."

Gene Weingarten: That, to my mind, is the single biggest sin of all that I mentioned. That would have been the first one I ticked off. It is the single greatest perversion of journalism listed.

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Gene Weingarten: I'm not sure we need more of a poll analysis - the results are pretty clear. Me, I would be most disappointed in me if I were writing lies.

Kiddie porn? I understand your visceral reaction, but I stick by my feeling that what happens in the brain stays in the brain. If I were picked up for picking up kids, a different story.

No, I am not a closet pedophile.

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Perplexed: Are the two interchangeable?

"Whose junk is in the trunk?"

"Who's junk is in the trunk?"

Gene Weingarten: No. The second is just wrong.

Gene Weingarten: Unless you are discussing a person, such as the guy on first.

Gene Weingarten: And they are still not interchangable, the second just isn't wrong.

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Brooklyn, N.Y.: Aren't options 12 and 13 in the second poll essentially the same? "Nothing should change" vs. "nothing needs fixing"?

washingtonpost.com: Yes. No. 13 should have been "Liz makes too many mistakes."

Gene Weingarten: A redundancy created by miscommuncation between me and Liz. We were not fishing for compliments.

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Washington: Help me out here. This is not hypothetical, but treat it like it is. A guy is 51. He's a professional. How young can his girlfriend be before you hit the sicko button? Go as low as you can, man. I need it. I mean, the hypothetical guy needs it.

Gene Weingarten: You have not given me enough information because, really, it depends on the woman. You are begging for a low answer, so I will try to oblige, with important caveats. Assuming a preternaturally intelligent, accomplished, self-possessed, self-reliant young woman: Twenty-two.

You're welcome.

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Poll Change: As much as I love you... the introductions are way too long. Let's get straight to chatting. Did I use that elipses correctly?

Gene Weingarten: No, you did not.

Do many of you feel the intros are too long? That's something I can easily fix.

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George Carl, IN: George had the original googlenopes - even before the WWW existed - in a bit that started, "Here are some things nobody's ever said before..."

Phrases included 'Hand me that piano,' 'I don't care what you do to the girl, just leave me alone!' and 'Up yours, too, Don!'

Gene Weingarten: I don't understand the last two, exactly.

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Carto, ON: Who is the artist for your comic strip in development -- is it Shansby?

Can you show us any samples of the comic? Character sketches?

Gene Weingarten: Can't show nothing. The artist is David Clark, out of the Luray area. He is a hick! A genius hick! It's a great marriage.

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Thank you!: This probably isn't a good thing, but I felt validated reading your "Delilah" comments. That song got me from the first time I heard it because of the music, but some of the lyrics make me cringe.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, they are skin crawly, all right.

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"Once" upon a time: Maybe the reason no one's writing to agree with you about "Once" is that the sort of people who'd agree with you haven't seen it. I read the reviews and thought it sounded, you know, "uplifting," which is the kiss of death for a movie. I'm a woman and I hate almost every schmaltzy thing designed to appeal to women. Chick flicks suck.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. I was hoping people wounldn't take offense at that generalization. Chick flick to me is not a description of a movie type so much as a put down of a movie type.

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Arlington, Va.: Is Bil Keane cool with the Pearls series? Does he actually have a sense a humor that isn't evident in his comics?

Gene Weingarten: He is fine with it. He asks Pastis for the originals, I believe.

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Music in Movies: The flip side is when a movie uses real recognizable music -- it can't help but color your reaction. While much of the music in "Moulin Rouge" worked, the bits where he was quoting "Your Song" produced in me a gut reaction of "Dude, your heartfelt moment actually belongs to Bernie Taupin."

(Side note -- "Your Song" is an interesting work in that it loses its meaning when you cover it. That hasn't stopped a lot of folks, but I think they should have to change the words to "...my gift is Elton and Bernie's song...")

Gene Weingarten: It had no meaning to begin with, fella. We already savaged that song write here in this space.

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Economist:11 is wrong!! The comma goes inside the quotation marks!

Gene Weingarten: It's Brit. Their rules are different.

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Alexandria, Va.: re: Gina book joke, HAHAHA I forgot about that joke until just now!!!

Gene Weingarten: Indeed. A great joke.

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Washington, D.C.: I haven't seen "Once," but I suspect that it's main problem is that it violates something that should be a basic rule of movies and TV, which is this: No fictional work in which a character is very talented artistically should EVER display that work on screen. Chances are that the songwriter/artist/novelist, etc. hired to create actual work isn't very good or at least isn't a once-in-a-generation talent so it leaves the viewer wondering why everyone in the movie or TV show is so fasciated with this person. I noticed this when watching that show "Studio 60." The writers would have been well advised to avoid showing the actual skits being produced by the fictional sketch comedy show -- they were pretty bad, even the ones that were supposed to be good according to the plot.

Gene Weingarten: It worked in Amadeus. It worked in the Buddy Holly story, quite well.

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Notbethel,NY: In case anyone is interested MY most memorable experience from Woodstock was a naked girl, obviously someone who had done the brown acid, running around screaming for "Myron" while her brother and friends were chasing her trying to cover her up in a blanket. Never saw a naked woman live before.....

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Gene Weingarten: Woodstock was every bit as remarkable as its mythology suggests. An amazing few days. 400,000 people, not a single act of violence.

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Off the subject: This might be a little off the subject, but you wrote, "no intimacy is a very bad thing." Why?

I think you have the right to want and ask for it but don't have the right to insist on it, so how do you break the stalemate, or do you just move on to someone better matched?

Gene Weingarten: Well, I should amend that. Unless it is what both parties want, no intimacy is a bad thing.

You can also define intimacy absent sexual intimacy. It's still intimacy.

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Greenbelt, Md.: Googlenope submission:

"Ferocious labradoodle"

Gene Weingarten: This is pretty good. "Labradoodle" is a funny word.

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re: a man's job: That man is more than a groomzilla. He is a control freak, and a jackass.

Gene Weingarten: Well, ain't that part of the definition of a bride or groom zilla?

Doesn't no wedding make a lot more sense. NO WEDDINGS!

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Anonymous:"It worked in Amadeus. It worked in the Buddy Holly story, quite well."

Yeah, but those movies were about actual geniuses.

The poster is talking about making up new music (or art in general) for a fictional genius movie.

Gene Weingarten: Oh. I didn't catch that distinction. Okay. Then I'd agree.

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Run over by tractor?: Um, so what happened to that guy? (is this some (in)famous incident that everyone over 50 knows about but I don't?)And how did you end up in the medical tent?

Gene Weingarten: At the time I was 17, and wanted to be a doctor.

He died. He did almost instantly. Total body compression. His eyes where popped out of his body. Sorry.

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Peeling skin/blisters on hands: Is dishydriotic eczema... there is medicine for it, it is exacerbated by stress.

Yup, I've got that AND RLS...yay me!

Gene Weingarten: Yaaaay.

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Polling Results: Years ago Scott Adams revised Dilbert to fit the response he was getting. The cubicle-oriented strips were getting the most attention, so to capitalize on that, he made Dilbert much more office oriented. We stopped seeing Dilbert (the character) go out on dates. We stopped seeing Bob the dinosaur and the genius garbageman. Dilbert became much more marketable -- and bland, though it picked up again after a few years. So let this be a lesson to you.

On the other hand, googlenopes suck. (Surprisingly, "googlenopes suck" is a googlenope.)

Gene Weingarten: Not anymore. Thank God. I didn't want that one out there.

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Yeah, B, UT:...Buddy Holly and Mozart were real people, and their real music was used in the film. Amadeus is a great example, because it was pretty easy to spot how much better Mozart's music was as opposed to Salieri's, because they used the actual music.

I can buy an actor playing someone who was actually a genius. Lot harder to buy it when the only indication that someone is a genius is that we're being told he or she is, and the "proof"--whatever supposed works of genius are trotted out-- isn't proving anything.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I will agree with this. It also happens whenever anyone is making a sports movie, and uses an actor to play an athlete. They don't MOVE like athletes. They don't have the economy of movement. Best/worst example is "For the Love of the Game,' which also, by the way, is one of the most egregious chick flix ever made.

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Intros: How early do you write the intro? It isn't so much that they're too long - a chatter just has to make the decision to read the intro later or wait several minutes before (s)he starts reading comments. If you have it ready beforehand perhaps it could be posted a few minutes before the chat starts. Like you promised a few weeks ago. Unless that would be extra trouble for Liz (and I'm being serious about that last - she does enough, bless her.)

Gene Weingarten: We've started to post it 15 minutes early, actually.

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Arlington, Va.: I wasn't gonna say anything, cause I figured someone would beat me to it, and now this is barely going to scrape in, but I was somewhat coerced into seeing Once, and through most of it I was waiting for it to be over. I don't know about the plot twist you mentioned, because I fell asleep towards the end. I wish I had gone to the bar instead.

Gene Weingarten: Bless you.

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Vestal, N.Y.: Gene Weingarten: Woodstock was every bit as remarkable as its mythology suggests. An amazing few days. 400,000 people, not a single act of violence.

Assuming you accept the story of the tractor running over the sleeping bag as an accident.

Gene Weingarten: Ha. Yeah, it was an accident. The farmer was beside himself in grief.

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Pee Shy: I have this same affliction. I think it comes from some developmental thing associated with toilet training, such as being congratulated too vociferously at the first drop aimed at the toilet and becoming suddenly self-conscience. I can use urinals in the right circumstances. The strange thing is that if someone comes to the urinal next to mine at work, I can usually only sucede if I start a conversation and distract myself. Sometimes I walk away without going, but I flush to look like I did.

Gene Weingarten: Why not just use a toilet all the time? Why expose yourself (ha) to this stress?

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Chicago, Ill.: Hey Gene

Last week you had posted something during the chat private to the people who had sent you posts regarding contemplating suicide and their mother with a comment that you would get back in the updates. I saw the update on the suicide post, but not on the mother one, and I was wondering because, well, I think I may be the one with the mother posting and now I'm super curious for your response.

Of course, if you don't post anything I'll live, and she's already dead, heh, she laughed, horrifyingly joking about her mother's recent death, so I guess we'll both be fine with it!

Gene Weingarten: I decided I had nothing helpful I could offer the other poster. Just nothing. And printing her problem would not have allowed anyone else to offer anything, either. It was unanswerable.

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Alexandria, Va.: I predict your comic strip will be the Washington Post's Edsel.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. A nice story today by Peter Carlson.

Okay, we're done. Thank you, and especially thank you for not disliking that chat as much as I feared you did.

I'll be updating through the week as usual.

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UPDATED 9.5.07

Disbelief: Submitting early in the hopes you'll be able to track this down online. I saw a commercial this weekend that was just horrifying. It was read by what I hope was an actor portraying an Iraq vet. It started out with something along the lines of "They attacked us on September 11" [cut to a shot of the towers burning]. It then continued along to say something to the effect of "pulling out of Iraq now would negate my sacrifice and that of all military personnel serving overseas, especially the dead ones." It ended with a plea to contact your local Senator/Representative to tell them you support the war. There was a Web site, but I don't remember the address -- had USA in it though. Am I alone in thinking this is jingoistic and grotesque? I'm most horrified by the use of a serviceman to make the point.

Gene Weingarten: One of the most arresting political cartoons I have seen in recent years was by my old friend Jim Morin, at the Miami Herald. It was of a long line of headstones, disappearing into the horizon to the right. Each headstone said "He died so HE did not die in vain," and each stone had an arrow pointing to the right.

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Humor, ME: I've been toying with the idea of vegetarianism off and on for a while and last week's poll may have pushed me in that direction again. If it weren't for real southern style BBQ I could make the plunge.

But one question has always bugged me -- why do some or even most vegetarian's use meat substitutes? It seems it is either a tacit admission that a meat-based diet does taste better, or that it is a constant exercise in self-deprivation to remind themselves of what meat tastes like. Why continuously eat something that is an approximation of a forbidden fruit, so to speak?

Gene Weingarten: Because the main philosophy of the vegan activist is "whatever it takes." Bruce Friedrich eats mock duck and Johnny Rocket fake hamburgers. They do not deny the obvious: Meat tastes good.

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Alexandria, Va.: Going back to the discussion on women's last names as they get married -- I'd like to offer another point of view.

I work in an IT shop which serves several thousand customers in a very complicated computer environment. Our account creation system is very complicated and beautifully automated but does not have the capability of recognizing hyphenated names. Any woman who comes in with a hyphenated name will spend several weeks of agony while we try to find all the places the system messed up (they're not always the same) and correct it by hand.

I would imagine that most computer systems in production have not caught up with the hyphenation trend. So I think that a woman should decide between her name and her husband's name, but whatever you do, don't hyphenate.

For the record, I am a recently married 26-year-old woman, and even though I preferred my own last name, I took my husband's as it was a matter of pride with him. I also believe a woman should be considerate enough of her husband's feelings to take his name if it means a lot to him.

But whatever you do, don't hyphenate.

Gene Weingarten: You took your husband's name because it was a matter of pride to him? What are you, chopped liver? Would he have taken your name if it was a matter of pride to you?

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Poll Lips: I chose the four where you lied to us, and the worst of the implicit lies, the dog fighting.

What I want to know is, "which one is true?"

Gene Weingarten: Not one is true.

I humbly suggest that dog fighting would not have scored nearly so high if the poll had been held two months ago. It's just that the Vick thing has made the detailed grotesquery so vivid.

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New York, N.Y.: "Our casualties are low to moderate."

I hope I can never squeeze those words out of my mouth.

By "casualties" he means dead kids, right? I hope their family's pain is low to moderate.

Gene Weingarten: Arch conservatives are tougher than we are. They don't feel pain the way we do.

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Delilah: I love the Delilah song too -- there's just something great about the central melody. It also lends itself well to parody. Here is my favorite one:

"Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away from you

Or maybe in your closet with a camera

I like to watch you when you sleep

I don't make a peep

Hey there Delilah don't you try to call the police

I already cut the phone lines

And your doggy got a Roofie you're all mine

We'll have lots of fun just you and me

Trust me, you'll see

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, it's what I'll do to you

Oh, it's what you do to me

Oh, but really what I'll do to you

What I'll do to you¿

Hey there Delilah I know this must be really hard

But just believe me girl you can't run

I slashed the tires on your car and now they're flat

Do you have anything in here to eat?

I'd like a treat

Hey there Delilah I just wish you would stop crying

Its weird how you make me feel and yet you really are not trying

I know you're scared

If it helps, I'm mentally impaired

I'm glad we shared

You sat in front of me in English class

I stared and stared at your great ass

But you wouldn't turn around and look my way

Tonight can be our second chance

And I'm not wearing underpants

If you haven't already invite me it's time to pray

Delilah I can promise you this will be over in two and two

Chuck Willery taught me how to deal with time

I'm outta rhymes

Hey there Delilah I have one last thing I'm gonna say

I'm not really a psycho killer

I'm just someone your friends paid to scare you good

I'm sorry it had to be like this your friends are d****, so I think I'm gonna go¿"

Gene Weingarten: Not bad!

I don't love the Delilah song; the terrible lyrics are a severe liability. I'm just saying I like to listen to it.

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UPDATED 9.6.07

Re:The Larry Craig Manuever: You can't use that in Cheney's body; what if it worked?

Gene Weingarten: Easy. I would feign a heart attack. That would be really believable.

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No fictional work in which a character is very talented artistically should EVER display that work on screen. : the exception being "The commitments" They were classic R&B songs, but that actor could REALLY SING!

Gene Weingarten: Also Eddie and the Dreamers.

washingtonpost.com: CRUISERS. "Eddie and the Cruisers."

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Anonymous: I am probably too late for this question, but seriously: If Larry Craig had said yes, I'm gay, and it's my own business what I do. Do you think he might have been able to salvage his career?

Gene Weingarten: I think not, because he is a Republican. There is the technicality that he committed a crime. I think he would have been forced out on that pretext.

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E. Hogwash: I might have gotten a higher score on "The Economist" quiz had I remembered that it was British.

About the "mangled syntax" of song lyrics: The canon of pop music would decrease by three-quarters if all the lyrics that mentioned the word "Baby" disappeared. Same with the word "ain't." If the rights to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" were revoked, contestants on American Idol would have nothing to sing.

Some of the grammatical errors in song lyrics make me cringe; disagreements between subject and verb, nouns and pronouns, etc.

One of my favorite instrumental songs is "The Girl From Ipanema," especially the rendition by the late, great Stan Getz. The lyrics are okay, EXCEPT when a chanteuse "styles" it:

"But each day when she walks to the sea,

She looks straight ahead, not at he."

Ugh!

Gene Weingarten: That's a nice blast from the past. It is the identical sin as the stars falling from the sky for you and I.

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Washington, D.C.: While discussing former Senator Craig at a family dinner last weekend, my dad revealed that a man in an adjacent stall in a public restroom had tapped his foot and then stuck his hand underneath the stall wall, revealing his wedding band, just as Senator Craig had done. My dad responded by handing him a roll of toilet paper. It did not occur to my dad that the stranger was soliciting him until the story about Senator Craig broke.

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

I bet Craig would have used that excuse, except, drat it all, there probably was toilet paper in the stall.

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Poll query: If I checked that the biggest problem with the chat was the Chatwoman was too snarky, you would take that as humorous wouldn't you?

Because you know there is no way I mean it seriously.

Dear god, what have I done?

Gene Weingarten: I'll tell you what you have done. You have forced me to pay up for an expensive lunch. C'Woman and I made a bet before the chat. I said not a single person was going to say that one of the five biggest problems in the chat was that she was too snarky.

washingtonpost.com: Hmmm... I'm thinking Sunflower. No, no. Not expensive enough.

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UPDATED 9.07.07

Gene Weingarten: Thanks to David Hicks for pointing out a line he heard on news radio Thursday morning: "Senator Craig may be down, but he's not yet out."

Also, I made up a chat-related joke.

One EMT turns to another EMT in a hospital in Tel Aviv.

"The last guy was a DOA. Slashed from hed to toe in a knife fight."

"Ah. What caused it?"

"He had insulted another guy's manhood."

"Oboy, another mari-cohen murder."

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Pork, IN: Until Google takes notice of today's chat, "porkin' Eric Shansby" is a googlenope.

Gene Weingarten: Boy, THAT was predictable.

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Gene Weingarten: Chatwoman has discovered the ugliest doll ever made. Dusty is apparently a Zombie Barbie.

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St. Paul, Minn.: I just read Dana Milbank's sketch about "the Senator's Wide Stance." Homosexual bathroom advances aside, can we talk about bathroom stance? Do guys really have different stances when peeing? If so, are some superior to others? Is this like golf where stance affects swing, so to speak?

Gene Weingarten: This is not a pee-related contention. This is a poop-related contention, and I would like to report that I HAVE NO IDEA whether men's poop positions vary in width.

You know, the more I think about the idea of soliciting for sex while poopin', the more I am skeeved out about the whole thing. I have decided to ream Sen. Craig a new one, in an upcoming column. It shall be in verse. Of course.

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Oz: You were wondering what the moral of "The Wizard of Oz" was. Believe it or not, it was originally a allegorical book, where the moral was to support the Populist party and the silver monetary standard. Do a search on Oz and the silver standard to see what everything stood for, but in essence, Dorothy's shoes (that took her home) were silver in the book, the yellow brick road was the gold standard leading to false leaders like the presidents of the time, etc.

Just thought you'd be interested.

Gene Weingarten: This is apparently true.

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artificial me, AT: Gene,

I'm interested in what you and the chatters think of this concept: artificial meat. What is it? Meat made out of animal cells harvested from animals, but not harming them. These cells are then grown into cultures, and with weird machines, stretched and contorted to resemble meat products.

Currently, the technology allows making only processed meat products -- IE hotdogs, ground meat, sausages etc. But, in the near future, making things like fish fillets, chicken breasts, and steaks could be possible.

I know, it's gross. It's very science fiction. HOWEVER, it solves nearly every problem people have with eating meat: no cruelty towards animals when the meat was produced, not environmentally harmful because you only need a few cow cells to make meat, and possibly, this artificial meat could be less expensive than "real" meat.

The technology is nearly there, but not many people have heard of it, and companies are reluctant to buy into it -- because it seems so unmarketable. Also, there are questions of texture and authenticity in this "artificial" meat.

Would you eat it? At first I thought I could never, but as I become more aware of its benefits ...

Gene Weingarten: Try this: What if genetic engineeering allows us to "grow" pigs and chickens without heads. No fear, no pain, no sentience. Would you eat those animals? Would PETA countence it?

My answer is that I would eat em without guilt. Bruce will read this today, and will answer the second question, and I will print his answer here.

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Submit to next week's chat.

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