2007 National Book Festival

"Miss Manners" columnist Judith Martin was online Monday, Sept. 24 at noon to discuss "No Vulgar Hotel/The Desire and Pursuit of Venice," her first book of travel writing, and her participation in the 2007 National Book Festival.

A transcript follows.

2007 National Book Festival: Full Coverage.

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Judith Martin: I am very glad to be here and I'm always glad to jump at the opportunity to talk to other Venetophiles. But also I'm also doing my day job.

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Airplane Etiquette: Oh, please take this question! In your travels, do you tilt your seat back on the airplane? Is it rude to do so?

Judith Martin: It's rude of airlines to enable you physically to tilt your seat back when it is going to produce discomfort for the person behind you. No, I don't tilt my seat back but I resent the situation that makes it impossible for everybody to be even mildly comfortable.

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Toronto, Canada: Your book, "No Vulgar Hotel", has intrigued me, because I've always been interested in investigating particular travel destinations more intensely and trying to meet and appreciate the lives of the local people.

Although Venice is no doubt your favorite destination, are there other cities where you would consider staying longer and living as the locals do?

Judith Martin: I did that for may years in Spain, again for short periods of time because I always had to get back to work to support the travel habit. And I lived in several countries as a child and the only downside of being in love with Venice is that I use all my travel opportunities to go there and no longer am able to enjoy the world full of other interesting places.

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Washington, D.C.: What do you see as the relationship between living conditions that require the resourcefulness and good humor such as that in Venice and good manners?

Judith Martin: They are one and the same and it's every place life is more livable if people treat one another with some kindness and tolerance. This is especially done in Venice because it's a small town and everybody is on foot so if you or they were to be rude you would keep running into your victims all the time, possibly for this reason or possibly because they're just nice people, Venetians are particularly polite which has a lot to do with my enormous pleasure in being there.

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College Park, Md.: What is the absolute minimum amount one can learn of another country's language and still be considered a polite traveler?

Judith Martin:"Please," "thank you," "excuse me" and "I'm sorry, I don't understand."

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North McLean, Va.: Thank you for taking part in this chat. I have been a huge fan for more years than either one of us probably wishes to contemplate. Heck, I bought your novels.

Anyway, which do you feel is more appropriate, to adapt one's behavior to the norms of a different society, or to attempt to gently proselytize for something more refined?

For example in certain countries it appears acceptable to elbow one's way to an available cab. Do you think one should join in the fray, or would it be more inspiring to remain a stoic advocate of the queue?

Judith Martin: By all means, inspire them. Adapting to other people's customs is a complicated business and "when in Rome" is not a sufficient guide. A lot of the elbowing you described goes on in Rome. Sometimes there is a moral reason for not following local customs and it never hurts to add a little kindness.

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Arlington, Va.: I think you're a genius! What are some important dining rules to follow in a foreign country so that fellow diners don't immediately out you as American/tourist?

Judith Martin: First, thank you very much. I am an American tourist when I travel but I don't believe the term should be synonymous with being rude. Proper American table manners are in fact the older forms that Europeans used, that came to America and did not change when European table manners became streamlined. As long as you are not indulging in table manners that would be disgusting anywhere, there is nothing wrong with eating in the American style when in Europe just as Europeans eat in the European style when they are tourists in the United States.

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Helena, Mont.: Speaking of airplane rides -- last night on my flight, the passenger behind me put her foot against my arm on my armrest! I was rude (I apologize, Miss Manners, and will pay the penalty you impose)and rather brusquely hit her foot with my elbow, upon which she withdrew her foot.

Judith Martin: Before resorting to violence could you could not have said, "Excuse me, would you please move your foot"?

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Detroit, Mich.: The last time we traveled there was an infant on the airplane. This child screamed the whole time we were up in the air. From Detroit to Orlando, all I could hear is a baby crying. I was exhausted by the time the plane landed. Why do people travel with babies? Babies and planes don't mix well. What can we do?

Judith Martin: Buy them private planes.

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Gainesville, Fla.: Dear Miss Manners,

When I call my father, he looks at his caller ID and answers the phone "Hey son! What's up!" I have told him I feel a loss of hearing him say "hello" and telling him who I am, and it seems odd to me he knows who I am immediately since my telephone number is unlisted, but I guess I am just not coping with change.

I usually answer "Pretty good, how are you?" and then launch into normal conversation, but that first minute just seems strange. Am I overreacting? I am grateful he doesn't answer the phone "yeah" like several people I know. Just as there used to be a standard salutation and identification, what is the modern protocol for answering the phone when one has caller ID?

Judith Martin: Well, one has to get used to the idea that you know who is calling when you pick up the telephone and your father is greeting you as civilly as he would had he opened the door and saw you.

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Washington, D.C.: You are a paragon of equanimity! My question: are there others out there who will help all of us out when you are no longer writing?

Judith Martin: Please join us, we need all the help we can get.

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Alexandria, Va.: The last time I visited Venice it was populated by oldsters - more venerable than venereous.

Judith Martin: The sad thing is that there are no jobs available in Venice except in the tourist industry and art restoration and such related matters and therefore the young people tend to leave home in search of a greater variety of job opportunities. The hope is that with telecommunication more people will choose to live in Venice and have families there even if they work elsewhere.

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Washington, D.C.: What is it with people who don't smile or say hi when you pass them in the hallway -- even after you've smiled or said hi to them first? I just came from the ladies' room and ran into two of these rude folks.

Judith Martin: Keep smiling, maybe you'll set a good example

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Bethesda, Md.: Dear Ms. Martin: When traveling to visit friends and family (and staying with them in their home) is it more polite to bring a gift with you (hoping it survives the journey) or to buy something once you get there?

Thank you.

Judith Martin: You can do either and you can even send something from home after you've been there and have a better idea of what might be appropriate.

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Anonymous: Speaking of reclining airplane seats, I had a situation once where someone reclined there seat just as the flight attendant was handing me hot coffee. The hot coffee got all over the person sitting next to me, as I was in the window seat. The woman who had been scaled then objected to my receiving a coffee, and the flight attendant complied with her wishes. I did not say anything. Yet, is there a polite way to insist that a flight attendant consider my wishes as well as the wishes of someone the flight attendant accidentally harmed?

Judith Martin: Everybody has got the wrong villain here. The person in front didn't realize it would cause an accident, you were innocent of any wrongdoing and it's understandable that the person who was scalded was frightened of being scalded again. The villain is the airline who's designed this. Your only recourse was to ask the flight attendant to seat you somewhere else without scaring you scalded neighbor.

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Alexandria, Va.: Dear Miss Manners,

My husband and I were recently seated near an increasing loud and inebriated group of four in a small dining room at a restaurant. Their conversation turned to topics that are not welcome at any dining table of which I am aware -- really disgusting things. We were afraid to ask them to stop, as they were drunk. Should we have asked management to hush them or simply changed tables?

Many thanks.

Judith Martin: Never get into a direct fight with lewd, drunken people or for that matter with anyone. You should've asked management to reseat you.

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McLean, Va.: Miss Manners - When you write your columns, do you use questions from your books or do you use newer questions from readers? I've read all of your books, and sometimes I see some of the questions in the columns. When will your next manners book come out? Thank you so much for helping to educate us all.

Judith Martin: You're welcome. I never repeat questions but people ask about the same kinds of problems so that I can't presume that everyone has been as kind and faithful as you and has read the books. So every once in a while I deal with the common problems that keep coming up. But believe me, I'd rather spend all my time with new challenges if only I could be sure that everyone has mastered the old ones.

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Reston, Va.: Dear Miss Manners,

While I look forward to reading your book, I do want to mention how much I enjoy reading your column. I wish that you would write for The Washington Post more frequently, but I am sure your current pace fits your schedule best. I just would like you to know how much pleasure it has brought me.

Miss Miller

Judith Martin: Thank you. And I do actually write more frequently and it's actually up to The Washington Post editors to decide how much of what I write to put in the paper.

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Takoma Park, Md.: I love your column and all of your books that I have read. My question -- have you always had a knack for tact and correctness, or did you have to learn as an adult? If you have always known how, did you know instinctively or did someone teach you when you were little? If you turned over a new leaf, what sources did you use to learn as an adult? Thank you.

Judith Martin: Nobody is instinctively polite. If you've ever been around a newborn, you know that consideration for others is not in-born trait. Screaming for what you want is the -trait. However, people used to practice something called child rearing which fitted children for civilized society and yes, it was practiced on me by my parents as it was one everybody else by everybody else's parents. This is by far the easiest way to learn. Nowadays it's necessary for people to catch up because they haven't received this training as they grew up but it's harder just as it's hard to learn a language when you're grown up but every child learns to speak without thinking about it.

We learn manners without really being aware that they were being taught. And if we have a massive revival of child rearing, I will no longer have to give remedial instruction and could spend even more time in Venice.

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Kingstowne, Va.: I'm dying to have your opinion of this situation--How would you have handled it?

I was asked to "serve" at a church friend's wedding reception...but was NOT invited to the actual wedding ceremony. This bride clearly just wanted me (and two other "friends" who were not invited to the ceremony) to do the work for free because she did not have the budget to pay for hired help. What would you have done in this situation?

Judith Martin: Politely declined the offer.

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Arlington, Va.: It sometimes seems there is a fine line between being rude and trying to get a message across to someone. My goddaughter has never sent me a thank you note for any of the birthday or holiday gifts I've sent, so at around her 14th birthday, I stopped sending the gift but continued to send the card. She will be graduating high school soon. Is it rude or "messaging" to give her not only a graduation gift but a box of thank-you notes and hope she'll catch on?

Judith Martin: Sending her thank you notes is slightly rude; ceasing to send her any presents is perfectly polite. One can assume that since she shows no gratitude she is not pleased to receive presents.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: This is totally off topic but I simply must know the right thing to do. An in-law insists people entering her home remove their shoes. I don't believe this is a cultural thing since she is of western European descent.

My question for you is, is it rude for one to decline her request if it going about in stocking feet makes one uncomfortable?

Judith Martin: It's rude to show that you care more about your floors than your guest but it's also rude to disobey the instructions of the host, not to mention unwise when the host is your mother-in-law.

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Chicago, Ill. : I'm a huge fan of Katharine Graham. I read her autobiography when I need some inspiration. I was wondering if you could please share a memory or two about Mrs. Graham. Thanks.

Judith Martin: She was a very lovely lady who under difficult circumstances learned on the job to become what she was and I found her autobiography so interesting and so beautifully done that I think it tells you what you need to know about her.

In her autobiography she voices amazement that when a number of reporters were picketing the Grid Iron because it didn't allow women at the time, that I was pushing a baby carriage. I've always wondered if she knew that the reason was that I had my baby in it.

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Takoma Park, Md.: Dear Miss Manners,

Thank you for your response. I feel that in my age group (late 20s to early 30s) there is a strong desire to rear our children more carefully and thoughtfully than we were ourselves reared. But many tricks of the trade have been lost in the Baby Boomer gap. I feel that there is a great hunger to learn those basic skills. I predict that if your next book were to cover old-fashioned child rearing, it would enjoy a massive readership and you will have done something very good for society. Please help us! Signed, poorly reared Generation X member.

Judith Martin: Thank you very much and indeed I did write a book called "Miss Manners's Guide to Rearing Perfect Children" and perhaps it is high time that I brought out a revised edition.

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Downtown D.C.: Dear Ms. Martin,

I am visiting Venice for the first time later this month and expect to join the ranks of those who adore "La Serenissima." Would you be able to recommend a delicious, but reasonably-priced dinner venue in Dorsoduro? Mille grazie!

Judith Martin: I'm afraid that what we do is keep house there. My husband is a marvelous cook and goes to Rialto every morning for fresh food and we eat at home.

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Thank you notes: Before assuming the child is ungrateful for not sending thank you notes, please take the opportunity to educate her about them. I was in college before I had any idea that people did that. I wish I had learned earlier, but my parents never mentioned them nor did I receive them. Don't ask me why I was never taught by my parents, but I wasn't and would have appreciated a gentle, not snippy, education.

Judith Martin: Unfortunately people who have not received thank you notes are always in a snippy mood. If they could merely say, please let me know if you received the present and whether it was satisfactory, would that have been enough of a hint to you that you should have responded?

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Judith Martin: Thank you all very much for the questions and I look forward to seeing you at the festival if not in Venice.

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