Chatological Humor (Updated 11.2.07)

aka Tuesdays With Moron

DAILY UPDATES: 10.31.07 | 11.1.07 | 11.2.07

Due to an unforeseen confluence of events, the Oct. 23 chat was canceled. All submissions were saved for this week's discussion (below) -- the special Halloween Eve edition of Chatological Humor in which only questions and comments from costumed readers were accepted.

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Polls: First, take this one: I Lean Conservative and/or Republican| I lean Liberal and/or Democrat.

Then, this one: Women| Men

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

From time to time, chatters good-naturedly inquire about why I do not have a greater multi-media saturation, why I am not making big bucks on TV or radio or expanding my franchise via podcast and such. I have answered that I do not have the voice, or the face, or the spontaneity of wit to succeed in these media. You have kindly interpreted this as misplaced modesty. I think we can put that notion forever to rest today.

This was produced by The Post for internal corporate use, then dumped on the Web for reasons I haven't quite figured out. To those who have asked: No, I can't really play the harmonica any better than that, though I can play better songs. My "Just Like a Woman" and "Harvest" achieve mediocrity.

Another thing that chatters have good-naturedly asked me is why I have not posted an up-to-date photo of Murphy, my year-plus-old Plott Hound. The reason is that I do not want to turn Chatological Humor into Gene's Fam'ly Korner, with homespun folksy snapshots and catalogues of my children's refrigerator artwork and stuff. Today, however, I have an excuse. What we have here (as you will see immediately) are not snapshots. They are photos of me and Murph taken by a two-time Pulitzer prizewinning photographer, Michael Williamson, for use in the Old Dogs book. ( Pic 1| Pic 2)

And HERE is a photo of Murphy at 11 weeks old, a week before I met her, taken by the ladies at the Northern Virginia ASPCA.

That will conclude the "awww" segment of today's show.

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In my continuing efforts to subvert the conventional wisdom of cinemagoers by making lemons out of lemonade: Have you seen "Into the Wild," the smash-hit adaptation of Jon Krakauer's true tale about a guy who went off to live alone in Alaska, and died? This is a very popular movie, well reviewed, but it sucks. It sucks because of a fundamental, fatal flaw: The moviemakers didn't tell the truth, and it shows.

Their problem was that the real guy was sort of a clueless jerk. But the filmmakers couldn't deal with that, so, to mine the degree of pathos they felt they needed, they apparently felt they had to turn him into a Christlike figure who strides the planet emotionally healing everyone he comes in contact with. They turned him into Sabu the Elephant Boy! This little lie never gets traction; the center cannot not hold; characters behave in improbable ways; the movie swirls in a widening gyre until it collapses into an abyss of its own deceit. In My Correct Opinion.

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What we have here, via Dave Barry, is The Greatest Football Play Ever.

Now I have watched this remarkable play several times, and if the rules of college football are the same as pro football, I believe this is not actually a touchdown. The reason is complicated -- do any football nerds see why?

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The second post below will bring us into the world of perverts; before we get there, we will whet our appetites with THIS.

This item raises several questions in my mind, but I'm not allowed to mention the most lurid of them. I do wonder, however, why no one suspected murder: Can a man do this to HIMSELF?

And, in an important related development brought to my attention by Horace LaBadie, we have THIS, also from England, natch.

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Lastly, Kate Jones found this, which I love.

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Please take today's polls. There's quite an interesting development in the political one, isn't there?

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The Comic Pick of the Week is this delicious Doonesbury. First Runner Up is Friday's Speed Bump. Honorable Mention, just for basic column elegance, is Sunday's Zits.

Let's all take a look at Crankshaft for Oct. 24 ( you'll have to scroll back to it. -- Liz). Now let's all try to decide on how many levels this is hugely offensive. I count two, but there may be more.

Okay, let's go.

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Alexandria, Va.: Your column this weekend made me wonder if you get permission from people, like Allison, who write to you before printing their letters/e-mails. Or, are their words fair game since they sent them to a journalist?

I wrote to my local TV weatherman when I was younger, and he published my words in the local paper (he had a column) and mentioned them on air. I was mortified -- he made me look like an idiot and used them to make himself look better. I never intended them for publication.

Gene Weingarten: A very perceptive question.

I asked Allison if I could use her last name, and asked her to decide after consulting her parents. (She was flying blind, of course, because she could did not see the column in advance; we are not allowed to do that.) Allison said that her mother thought she could trust me not to embarrass her; her father disagreed, but felt it was her decision, and the worst thing that would happen is that she would learn a valuable lesson in how not to trust the media. Allison approved my use of her name.

So I put her last name in the column; I felt confident that although I gave a flip answer, it was not in any way making fun of her. Some editors at the magazine disagreed; they thought it could be construed as patronizing or condescending. We decided to err on the side of caution.

I have not heard from Allison, so I think this was probably a wise decision. I'm guessing she was offended, which does not make me feel great. She's a sweet kid.

washingtonpost.com: Gene Frames His Argument, ( Post Magazine, Oct. 28)

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Arlington, Va.: The play is a touchdown, based on all of the laterals being legal. Even the one that hits the ground is a live ball as long as it traveled backward. Is there an illegal block in the back that I'm missing?

Gene Weingarten: Nope, it's more complicated.

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Frederick, Md.: Good grief. You really look like your cartoon caricature in the Sunday mag. That is not a compliment, by the way.

But your dog's handsome.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Bystander Syndrome in Dupont:: I experienced Kitty Genovese Syndrome (Bystander Syndrome) last night, and it sucks.

6:30pm, I make my way down to a very crowded platform at Dupont Circle metro. As I walk by, I notice a man sitting on the platform, next to a standing young woman... and as I watch, he unfolds a small video camera (complete with flashlight) and points it directly up her skirt.

I started screaming. Top of my lungs, clear as a bell, "I see what you are doing! He is taking video up a woman's skirt!" The woman moves away, stricken, and dozens of faces turn toward us. I continue screaming for the police, for someone to go up the escalator and get help... repeating over and over what this man has been doing -- and, most damning to me, the true fact that I had seen him do it that very morning on the up escalator and hadn't reacted quickly enough. (It had stayed with me all day, the horrible feeling that I had watched a woman violated and hadn't trusted my instincts enough -- it wasn't as brazen as in the evening -- to speak out.)

A group of teens about 50 feet away began calling out, "Rapist! Pervert!" but didn't move forward. As I continued yelling, begging, asking for help, the pervert calmly remained seated on the ground, steadily and swiftly deleting images from his video camera. At one point I exclaimed in frustration, "Am I the only one who cares about this?" A woman mouthed quietly, "I care" but did nothing. One woman murmured to me that I should just walk away. Although I appreciated her point (what if he were armed?) I just couldn't let this crime go unnoticed. Two women were violated before my eyes, and countless others I hadn't seen. Those photos surely were destined for the Internet, for other perverts to lust after. Walk away? Be complicit? I couldn't.

The pervert finally stood and walked closer to me, as I continued yelling, "Do not approach me sir!" He said, "You are embarrassing me, and you have no proof." No one -- man or woman -- moved to stand beside me in solidarity. No one moved to intercede. No one yelled "Back off!" on my behalf. I stood there yelling, and no one did a thing.

Finally -- and this is about four minutes in (train delays) -- the man walked around me and up the escalator into the night. The teens made their way finally down the platform and asked what was happening. "You're too late," I wailed.

The train arrived, and I got on -- along with about 50 witnesses and the one shaking victim. She was about 25. She was wearing a completely appropriate skirt -- longer than her knee by an inch -- and was horrified. We talked the entire long ride to my stop, lamenting that no one had done anything. I couldn't believe it -- still can't. This woman was violated, and I (another young woman) was the only one to do anything. No one helped. No one ran for police... no one stood in the path of the perv as he calmly walked away. No one took his picture with their cell phone. No one stood beside me as he approached me. No one did anything.

Bystander syndrome, they call it. I call it shameful. To the woman on the escalator yesterday -- the one I didn't protect -- I am so sorry. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to be wrong. I should have trusted my gut. To the woman I spoke up for last night -- I am sorry that happened to you, and sorrier still that you had only one champion on that crowded platform.

To the crowd, shame on you.

washingtonpost.com: I'm wondering why you didn't go up the escalator and alert a cop or a Metro employee.

Gene Weingarten: I have a feeling there is going to be some spirited discussion of this post. Let me get the ball rolling.

First, I have no doubt you saw what you think you saw; there is a skeevy little demi-monde out there of guys who do exactly this. As you suggest, their handiwork is all over the web. These photos are so ubiquitous they even have a cutsy name -- "upskirts."

I feel you did nothing wrong, and should be commmended for your courage. While I'm not sure I quite share your horror at the gravity of the offense, it's definitely offensive, and this guy should be stopped from doing it again.

But I'm not sure your outrage at your lack of backup is entirely warranted.

Put yourself in the position of a bystander -- say, a tall and burly male bystander we will call Ralph. No one else in the vicinity saw what you claimed to see, not even the victim. The man is sitting placidly, looking wounded. You are shrieking and pointing and creating quite a rude ruckus in a public place, and for all Ralph knows, you are a nutcake.

So okay, okay, crazy yelling lady might be right, but she's making a terrific, hysterical fuss over a peeping photograph that maybe was taken, using words like "violated," and Ralph is unnerved by this. What does Ralph do? Does he insert himself into this situation on the assumption you are right? Does he stride over to the guy and confiscate his camera? Does he physically apprehend the man, or physically escort him to a Metro authority, based on one highly agitated person's accusation? It's a lot to ask of someone in a situation like that.

I think that if I am Ralph and have a camera phone, I snap his picture, and let him see me do it. But that might be the extent of my participation. I certainly step in if the man seems to be threatening you in any way.

I think you accomplished what needed to be accomplished: You exposed and humiliated him. You probably should have followed him out, and alerted the Metro employee, as Chatwoman suggests, but everything is easier in hindsight. (haha) Why did this duty have to fall to you? Because, unfortunately, you were the only eyewitness.

Postscript: You know, it's not even clear that what this sleazeball did was illegal. At least one state supreme court says it's not:

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/87863_voyeur20.shtml

Gene Weingarten: Er, make that "cutesy."

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Football: I'm no expert and only saw the play twice but didn't the ball hit the ground at the end when it was being passed back. Wouldn't that be considered an incomplete pass?

Gene Weingarten: Nope, it can hit the ground on a lateral.

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Not a football nerd: But don't some of those "lateral passes" happen behind the line of scrimmage? Some of them also look like they aren't actually "lateral" at all, but backwards.I haven't watched a football game in 20 years, be kind....

Gene Weingarten: No, laterals HAVE to be backward. If they are forward, they are penalty.

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Old dogs book: But Murphy isn't an old dog. Why is she in the book?

Gene Weingarten: It's just for the author picture.

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Savage reader: If Dan Savage of Savage Love says it's possible that the rubber suited preacher did himself in, I believe him. He also made the very valid point that if there was any way at all to consider the case a homicide, somebody would have. Obviously.

Gene Weingarten: I still don't see how. I think he's right about the fact that if there was a chance of homicide, they'd keep the case open.

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Cleveland Park, Washington, D.C.: Re: the football play

Wasn't it an incomplete pass when the ball touched the ground?

washingtonpost.com: Where does the Flash come in to all this?

Gene Weingarten: If the Flash had been on the defense, there would have been a tackle. AND a death.

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Touchdon't, Va.: Number 7 went out of bounds and came back in before receiving the ball (for the second time, actually). This is illegal in all levels of football.

Gene Weingarten: YES!!!! Very good! You can see him out of bounds on his arse. Then he sort of ambles back onto the field! And scores the winning "touchdown."

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Rock & Roll Poe, MS: Gene, arbiter of taste,

The poem at the end of Knights in White Satin--good, or the biggest load of pretentious crap ever written?

Gene Weingarten: I'm not sure pretentious is the right word. It's sophomoric. Just terribly earnest and not very good:

Breathe deep the gathering gloom,

Watch lights fade from every room.

Bedsitter people look back and lament,

Another day's useless energy spent.

Impassioned lovers wrestle as one,

Lonely man cries for love and has none.

New mother picks up and suckles her son,

Senior citizens wish they were young.

Cold hearted orb that rules the night,

Removes the colours from our sight.

Red is grey and yellow white,

But we decide which is right.

And which is an illusion?

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Silver Spring, Md.: Great pics! Now you can enter the picture of you and your dog into the contests for owners that look like their dogs (you look the same in the eyes).

washingtonpost.com: Dude. That's low. I'll have you know that in person Gene's eyes are MUCH more soulful than Murphy's.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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The other Washington: OMG, Gene - check this out:

Monday, October 22, 2007

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places...

Email published with permission of author:

hey francesco...

my name is stephan pastis...i do a strip called "pearls before swine"....i'm real sorry to be a bother, but is there any chance i could get a right-facing full body pose of Ted from you?....i've looked through the strips online and can't seem to find one...

i'm doing a series where my main character, Rat, is a concierge at a hotel, and i'd love to have Ted approach him trying to hire a prostitute for the night...he needs a break from Sally....

Stephan

Stephan:

Okay, I've read this message three times and I'm still laughing.

I don't do the artwork but I can get you said sketch (actually, I can do it for you. I've done enough joke strips of the characters that I can draw them pretty accurately). However, there are a few conditions:

1. If this is indeed not a joke--and you are indeed Stephan--can I have the original artwork?

2. For the love of God, please make it a typical prostitute, not a tranny or some 14-year-old Haitian boy. My syndicate will be weeping enough as is.

3. Can I have the original artwork?

4. Ted is still unemployed, so cost will be an issue. With few dollars to his name we may be talking more a quick yank behind the dumpster than anything else.

5. Can I post your email request on my site? I know that may ruin the surprise of the gag but trust me, the fact Ted's cruising for a woman is going to be enough of a shock to bring in the readers.

6. Can I have the original artwork?

Ces

UPDATE: Apparently a lot of people on the Net think this is either a hoax or I've been punk'd, both of which I can completely understand. However, Stephan and I had a great, long conversation over the phone this morning and everything has been planned out for a mid-February run...complete with an added twist.

Posted by Francesco Marciuliano at 11:10 AM

Gene Weingarten: I have zero doubt this is real.

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Va-jay-jay: Here's why I have a problem with the word vagina, and by extension, vajayjay. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it's used inaccurately. Excepting gynecologists, most of us are pretty unlikely to catch a glimpse of vagina at any point in our lives. It's a completely internal part of the body... which is why I don't understand why it has such a stigma attached. There's no such stigma attached to esophogus or bile duct. The vagina is just another canal in the body.

As a grown woman, depending on the context, I'm perfectly happy using slang terms in conversation if "vulva" is too clinical. As long as I'm not talking to my doctor, I'm most likely to use one of the classics: a synonym for cat; or a synonym for the verb "to grab;" or, my personal favorite, a turtle of the genus Pseudemys.

My two-year-old daughter, however, just calls it her "bits." I'm fine with that. It's still more accurate than vagina.

Gene Weingarten: I like "bits." The Brits say "naughty bits."

When Dan was Danny back in preschool, the teachers were told to use medical terms, so the three year olds were talking about Volvos and Peanuts. The rib and I decided life was just Volvos and Peanuts.

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Re: Crankshaft: Offensive because it says that age is incompatible with sexiness. Offensive because some rapes do involve elderly women. If the man is her husband, his insensitivity would be the third reason.

Gene Weingarten: Also offensive because, no matter how you cut it, it's a joke about rape.

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Dallas, Tex.: I'm sad to hear your review of "Into the Wild" as I was looking forward to the movie. I quite enjoyed the book but agree with you assessment of the young man. He was a naive jerk who believe he was better than everyone else because of the lifestyle he chose. I felt sad for him. I was hoping that the movie would not glorify him, but it sounds like that's exactly what the did. Bummer. Is it still worth seeing?

Gene Weingarten: It's worth seeing as a curiosity, because of what they did to it. You will see right through it, and it will steam you.

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Washington, D.C.: Holy crap! I hope that you didn't actually know beforehand that you would be photographed.

Gene Weingarten: I did. I don't own a comb.

You are not getting this, clearly.

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Metro Incident: Okay, I watch all these crime shows and I realize that they are not documentaries. But, don't these "peeping toms" (which is what this jerk is) escalate into other forms of sexual assault? It's important to stop these kind of people from the beginning but I understand why the bystanders did nothing....

Gene Weingarten: No, probably not. This is his bag. But hang on. Watch the video I will be linking to next. It's about an amazing subway creep in Mexico (or Spain?) who got caught and apprehended because of a video camera. Also.... no one stopped to help this poor woman.

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Gene Weingarten: Here's the link. It's shocking.

http://www.avclub.com/content/videocracy/2575

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Why people didn't try to help those two young women in the Metro: Well, I think Gene's answer sums it up. Gene considers himself a pretty nice guy, with a good handle on what's acceptable in decent society, and so do most people. Gene doesn't think it's such a big deal if a guy wants to take intimate pictures of women without their consent to get himself off and make money by getting other people off on images of their bodies, and thinks women who are vocal and active about how that bothers them are "hysterical." So do lots of people. So lots of people won't interfere.

Gene Weingarten: I see. I said all that?

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Good Morning!: Dear Gene,

To fulfill your costume requirements, I am wearing a witches hat with sparkly moons and stars. Not terribly interesting by itself but as I am still wearing my pajamas with a funny dog print I want to let you know that I look suitably ridiculous.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Arlington, Va.: You don't understand the gravity of the situation? If someone was secretly taking pictures of you in the locker room or the men's room with the intent of selling them or putting them up on the Web without your consent and obtained without your consent you wouldn't be upset? Sorry. It is violating and it should be illegal. And he should be arrested. And I can't believe nobody else did anything. Yeesh.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

Listen, I said it was grotesque. What do you think Ralph should have done?

These photos are strange things: They are anonymous. You cannot see faces. You cannot see venues. They are exactly what you think they are. (I spent some time looking at these last night. They are unsexy, untitillating, gross, and stupid. But to be fair, I think most women wouldn't even recognize themselves in 'em.)

And please: This is a disgusting thing to do. I am not defending it.

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The Metro Incident: OK, I'll be the one to point this out: a woman yelling on the Metro is possibly a "nutcase." She's hysterical, she's irrational, she's emotional... does anyone have ANY doubt that if a man was yelling on the Metro, he'd get more of a response?

Gene Weingarten: Interesting point. No, I don't think so, but I'm not sure.

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Football nerd: It's still legal. An out of bounds players cannot receive a FORWARD pass, but can participate in a lateral or handoff (assuming he was lined up in play at the snap.)

Gene Weingarten: Really? Is this true?

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The Blue and the Gray: Gene, as a fellow Yankees fan, I would like your opinion. My boyfriend is so upset over the way Steinbrenner treated Torre that he would like to boycott the Yankees for a year. I say that I agree that they treated Torre terribly, but next year is the last year they will play in Yankees Stadium, and I would like to go for at least one of the games. We've agreed that you get to decide who's right.

Gene Weingarten: I hate to say this, but I'm not sure they treated Torre so badly. They offered him $5 million -- a million less than the previous year but still the highest paid manager in baseball - with performance-based incentives that could have bumped him up to an unheard-of $8 million.

Torre was less than candid when he said he was insulted by the incentives, as pointed out in an excellent NYT sports column a few days ago. He had agreed to performance-based incentives many times in the past.

I love Joe Torre, but I don't feel that sorry for him here. I feel sorry for the Yankees.

Gene Weingarten: Breaking news: Torre will be replaced by Joe Girardi. Torre goes to the Dodgers.

Girardi was the guy I wanted. Mattingly would have been a mistake.

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Washington, D.C.: I'm just wondering why females all get pissed off when a member of the opposite sex throw the "you're having PMS" card.

I'm female, and this bothers me too, but I can't exactly pinpoint why. Am I just culturally programmed to take offense? Or is it genuinely insulting? And why? Usually, when my boyfriend says this, he's saying that I am acting out of character--which of course I am, I'm bleeding from my nethers, for a week! Although he usually is basically giving me a "free pass," so to speak, I always manage to take that offensively.

I'm not sure why I'm asking a man, but maybe you have some insight from the Rib? Or maybe the other Gene-a-holics can weigh in to help me explain me to myself.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, because it is genuinely insulting. It is suggesting that a woman is a less stable being, because of her menses. It allows a male to be dismissive of a woman's arguments without addressing them, by attributing them to hormonal hysteria.

I never thought I'd have to answer this question, at least from a woman. I hope I'm not being scammed.

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Out of bounds: Not true. A player can't be the first person to touch the ball after going out of bounds and coming back in. As long as someone else touched the ball before number 7, it was perfectly within the rules for him to get the ball and run it in.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Hm. Then it WAS a touchdown?

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McLean, Va.: As someone who believes that everyone's job should be something they love AND who also has a daughter in veterinary school, I feel that you are uniquely qualified to help me with my dilemma. I am approaching 30. I have an undergraduate degree and I work in a field completely unrelated. Because of this, I am planning on going to get my master's in the field I now work. HOWEVER. My dream has always been to open up a dog rescue. My original plan was to make enough money to do this. But I am beginning to wonder if perhaps my love of animals and my dream would not be better served by becoming a vet. This would require going back for intense schooling, with no guarantee that I would even be accepted to veterinary school. It would also (I believe) require me to give up my idea of having a child in a few years with my boyfriend. It may even break up my wonderful relationship (suddenly throwing all of our plans out of the window and moving away tends to do that). I would sincerely like your advice. Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, you asked for it:

Becoming a vet will probably involve your going back to college for at least year, completing a whole bunch of classes you never took. They are hard ones, like organic chemistry. Then you will have to apply to veterinary school. There are only (I believe) 27 vet schools in the country, and it's harder to get into them than to medical school. They take the top of the top, and usually will want you to have worked in the veterinary field.

So you will probably not be accepted the year your apply (even though your age and life experience will be a plus, not a minus.) So you will have to wait another year during which time you will probably need to establish animal creds by working in a vet's office.

You MAY get accepted to vet school the following, or you may need two more years to do it. Then you will go through four of the most grueling years of study anyone ever goes through. You can trust me on this: My daughter is a brilliant student, and she has suffered, gone sleepless, gone through dark nights of the soul, etc.

So, after that you will be a vet. In your first year of internship, you will probably earn $20,000.

Oh, did I mention that vet school costs about $250,000? Which you will have to then pay back, unless you have a sugar daddy, and you will be paying it back on a vet's salary, which is generally something like $75,000 to $130,00 once you are really established.

So, my answer is: If you want to do all this, if this doesn't sound completely daunting, if you really think you can handle it, then you ... must.

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Va Jay Ja...Huh?: Gene, I heart you but you left no choice for those of us who prefer the real terms! I chose the "front bottom" because it was slightly amusing and the only one that didn't make me think it came out of the mouth of an ill-informed first grader. I could never refer to any man's penis as a "one-eyed trouser snake". Think about the conversation, "So then, out of nowhere, he pulled out his one-eyed trouser snake! That's when I knew it was time to leave." It sounds so juvinile and the other terms aren't much better. It really bothers me when people teach their kids terms like doodlebug (penis) or pee-pee (penis or vagina) and I think it's worse when adults use such childish names for genitalia. No wonder we, as a society, have so many hangups about sex. If we can't even use the correct terms for our genetalia, how are we supposed to be comfortable with the actual parts?

Gene Weingarten: Okay, people. That poll was a JOKE. It was a bit of humor frippery, making fun of The Times. Honest, you don't have to all tell me that giving cute names to the organs is silly.

Meanwhile, Tom the Butcher just whacked off "penis" from one of my columns, contending THE USE OF THE ACTUAL ANATOMICAL TERM is rude. I am so upset I am hiding additional vulgarities in my responses, with plausible deniability.

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Washington DC: Boy do I HATE sanctimonious people who insist they would absolutely do a certain thing in a certain situation. You don't know how you would react, so get off your high horse.

Also, I have to agree that the poster sounded a little hysterical. Sorry to say, and I am a woman, but this is not the same as if the guy were actually assaulting the woman. He stopped the filming and destroyed the evidence when confronted. What would the police have done?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this is complicated. I respect her for what she did, but I think she probably hurt her cause with the ferocity with which she did it. Better maybe to quietly follow him out, and then bust him to a cop. He would have had the film in his camera.

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Costume: Gene --

I am fulfilling the letter if not the intention of your costume requirement. Right now I am dressed like a tool at a big corporate firm. It is a costume because I am not, in fact, a tool. I am really a frustrated writer who sold out to pay the bills.

But no one can tell the difference because I wear this costume 5 days a week... that is sad.

Gene Weingarten: Aw.

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Arlington, VA: Not the same thing as the Metro photgraperv, but I'd like to know your thoughts on this:

Our neighborhood Halloween parade took place over the weekend. 200+ children from infants to pre-teens dressed in costume making a 1/2 mile loop past a few dozen spectators. Most spectators were couples, old and young, or families; however, near the end of the route was a middle-aged man with a dog snapping pictures with no one else with him. I tried to chalk it up to maybe he was a parent, a friend-of-a-family, friendly neighborhood blogger, but it really skeeved me out. He took a picture of our daughter. I almost went over to ask him to delete it, but didn't want to make a mountain out of nothing. What would you have done?

Gene Weingarten: Nothing.

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Seattle, Wash.: About the upskirtist...

Clearly this is perverted and skeevy, but there is an effective way to deal with this and a not-so-effective way to deal with this.

Screaming your head off like a crazy person would be the latter.

Noting it to the person next to you, so more than just you see it, or going to find an employee, or loudly saying (not screaming) "What are you doing?!?!" to scare the creep would ALL have been much more effective that the ineffective ruckus this woman created.

What this lady did only made herself look crazy, and gave the guy an opportunity to erase the evidence...

Gene Weingarten: I fear this is correct.

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Unbounded: I don't have to go and watch the play again, but a guy CAN go out of bounds, come back in, and touch the ball. But he has to have been forced out by someone on the other team, and he can't be the first person to touch the ball after he comes back in. Is this the case?

Gene Weingarten: Yep. He was forced out. And wasn't the first to touch the ball.

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New York, N.Y.: Gene, this is Francesco Marciuliano, the person who apologizes daily for "Sally Forth." The Pearls/Forth crossover is indeed real, thanks to the insanity that is Stephan.

Gene Weingarten: I knew it! Thanks, Cesco.

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Spinning Dancer: You're kidding about it being an illusion, right? Please say you are. You, of all people, can't be part of this scary group-think. (The people who watch together and yet say it goes in different directions probably just don't know what clockwise is. And Pat the P didn't look long enough, or something.) It's no illusion.

Gene Weingarten: Isn't it great how CERTAIN people can be, even when they are obviously wrong? See next post.

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Rear end rhyming: Your response to Frazz's assertion that nothing rhymes with "buttocks" was pathetically weak. "Mathemuttics"? Please.....

My humble submission (not perfect, but at least using a word that exists in common parlance although not the Queen's English):

"I'll miss the prom, I cannot go.

It's not because I dance too slow.

Instead, it is my swollen buttocks

That will not fit inside a tux."

I know that the meter is off, but nevertheless the rhyme is true.

On a vaguely related note, what do you think of the first line in the following example of interior rhyme (clearly not a true rhyme, but oddly seems to work for me):

"Well they got an apartment with deep pile carpets

And a couple of paintings from Sears

A big waterbed that they bought with the bread

They had saved for a couple of years

They started to fight when the money got tight

And they just didn't count on the tears."

(Only a very small bonus for identifying the source.)

Gene Weingarten: It's perfectly good song interior rhyme, and we all know the source. I love this song. I love early B.J.

Gene Weingarten: But, I think we need to examine your "rhyme" of buttocks, the one that is so superior to my "mathemuttics". Let us pronounce your rhyming words together, in cadence:

"buttocks."

"inside a tux."

People are laughing at you right now. Do you realize that? Giggling their arses off.

Okay, because I have heard similar sillinesses in the past, we shall now engage in a remedial lesson in rhyming, a subject about which I am not unfamiliar:

For two words to rhyme, they must rhyme from the last STRESSED syllable, to the end. So, the word "SYLLable," for example, rhymes with BILLable, not, say, "able" or "bubble." The word "operaAtion" rhymes with "vacAtion," not "shun." Okay?

So look back at your pathetic "inside a tux." And THEN consider that "buttocks" is pronounce BUT-iks, not BUT-ux. So, even the "tux" part of your rhyme does not work.

Other than that, it was PERFECT.

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Good for you, Ms. Dupont Circle!: I'd have helped had I been there. Really. I'm sorry I wasn't.

Having been in a somewhat similar situation before (in my case, seeing a guy PICK UP AND TRY TO CARRY OFF A WOMAN and no one doing anything about it!!!) and seeing that lots of people will watch, but none will do anything (I did, however; I made her put her down, and, eventually, go home, without her. "Domestic" situation. I shake recalling this memory, and yet, would still do the same.), I think the thing to do is to designate someone in the crowd to DO something.

Yes, point to someone and say, "You! Go upstairs and get the Metro person! NOW!"

Or whatever is appropriate.

People often will not take the initiative to do something, but if specifically assigned a task, they very well may.

Gene Weingarten: Interesting. I wonder if she had the authority to do that? I mean, if she was perceived as having it?

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Skirt pictures:: I think the problem was the perp or perv as it were handled it perfectly. He didn't react, and most people on Metro probably thought there was either no conclusive evidence or the woman was hysterical.

More to the point, I wouldn't get involved in something like it anyway. I hardly think that makes me a sufferer of bystander syndrome. If someone was getting physically assaulted, I'd get involved and hope others would as well.

But I really don't care if someone is getting a picture taken up her skirt. She should try being more aware of her surroundings -- the people around her.

Gene Weingarten: I don't go that far. I think that guy has to be stopped. I think he needs to be embarrassed to death. If he is capable of being embarrassed to death.

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Run this up the poll: God and Mammon, Part 2, ( Washington Monthly, Oct. 24)

One can now impirically test one's religious propensity by income. Cool.

Gene Weingarten: This is predictable, no?

I would think that the less you have in this world, the more you lust to believe in a better next world.

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Clarification, please: Gene, I don't understand why you are qualifying the disgusting-ness of the act of taking an intimate picture of a woman without her consent. How does the fact that the pictures themselves don't disclose venue, faces, etc? All that establishes is that the pictures could've been worse, not that they weren't awful in and of themselves. The pervert also didn't push the woman onto the Metro tracks--will you be qualifying the degredation and violation inherent in the acts he did commit on that basis as well?

Gene Weingarten: There's a genuine continuum of heinousness for all crimes, and the fact that the victims of these pictures wouldn't even recognize themselves in 'em definitely earns a step or two down the ladder.

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Telluride, Colo.: I saw this headline on the LA Times' Web site:

"Ugly actors feud breaks out."

... and was crestfallen to read a story about a disagreement between actors' unions. I thought Wallace Shawn was getting all up in Steve Buscemi's grill.

Gene Weingarten: Ha.

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Alexandria, Va.: We're going to have a Post Hunt! Do you have any memories or advice to share from your experience as Tropic editor and longtime associate of Dave and Tom the Butcher?

I am extremely hot and dressed as a Renaissance wench. With boots.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed. The Tropic Hunt is coming to Washington. More on this as it develops.

It's too big to handle all at one time.

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Ult, RA: I admire that you shave with a straight razor and the idea that it sets you apart because it's something most people can't do. I just ran a 50-mile road race. Would that fall into a similar category?

Gene Weingarten: Sure.

Gene Weingarten: And it probably took us the same amount of time to practice until we could do it.

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Highgate, Vt.: Gene: As a comics guy, what do you think of the fact that over the past few months Charles Schultz has gone from guy who made a lot of money on a comic strip to great American tortured genius? It does make "Peanuts Classics" more interesting.

Gene Weingarten: It does! And I learned that he had once been rejected by a little red-headed girl.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

For reasons previously explained, we can pretty much ignore the one about Willies and Woo-woos. Except to note that I think you all underrated "Exploratory Surgery" and overrated, by far, the horizontal hula.

The politics poll suggests something interesting: This race should be between McCain and Gore. These are the two candidates each side genuinely wants, and each is a candidate the other fears.

That's the ideal race!

And it won't happen because neither guy really wants it.

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Technique: Higgledy Piggledy

Sergei Rachmaninoff

Wrote his concertos

For Handspans like wings

Few, pianistically,

Can, Realistically,

Digitalistically

Play the damn things.

--Winner of a Games Magazine double dactyl contest, circa 1992.

Gene Weingarten: Very fine. But the "for" needs to be on the same line as "concertos."

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Rockville, Md.: When I was in the Army in Vietnam and we got short "R&R" trips during our tours - a friend spent his time in Australia taking telephoto shots of women at a distance. Some spotted him, but most did not. Also we circulated a picture of Marlyn Monroe visiting Vietnam and showing her legs. So, this is not new. Just a technology update.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, no, dude. That's cheesecake. This is porn. Crotch shots; highly invasive, if shot secretly.

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Upskirting: What, on Earth, could the upskirter have actually been able to film of a girl whose skirt went past her knees in dark metro station? Seems to me there are far better upskirt specimens and far better lighting at other locales in the area. Just saying...

Gene Weingarten: His camera had a flashlight attachment! He was a pro!

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Spinning Girl: if you focus off to the side, you'll see that she's just flipping back and forth; I think it's a 2D silhouette and our visual memory is filling in the "spin", whether clockwise or counterclockwise. My husband and I were both looking at it and he saw it go one direction while I saw it going another.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, right. It is DEFINITELY an illusion, created by our brain wanting to turn a 2-d image into 3-d.

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Lisp?: Or bad audio?

(On your piece on Bell)

Gene Weingarten: I have no lisp.

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D.C. by way of the Midwest: I answered the second quiz, but I have to admit it was by force. My Midwest upbringing still makes it difficult to speak of such things even though intellectually I have no problem with it and even find it (guiltily) amusing.

It reminds me of the summer during college I spent working at a very liberal day care in Northampton Mass. One of the little girls was walking around pointing to all the boys explaining that they had a penis and the girls that they had a vagina. This was perfectly normal behavior at this day care which was very open, but when she came to me and said I had a vagina my first reaction was to vehemently deny it. Another Midwestern friend of mine did that exact same thing when it happened to her.

What is wrong with us. I will liberate myself here and now in this very public (anonymous) forum. I HAVE A VAGINA AND I AM PROUD!

Please don't tell anyone.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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East Hogwash: Horace LaBadie-- an aptonym? And the other person who was arrested after being "caught" with an inanimate object --pavement?

It gives a whole new meaning to the love song, "On the Street Where You Live"

Gene Weingarten: Yes, that pavement line was the best line in the piece!

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Sterling, Va.: Mallet gave it up too easily this year. Two days and he spills the tralfamadorians? Did he mail it in or am I being too harsh?

Gene Weingarten: I was shocked. I have emailed him, demanding an explanation. Perhaps we will hear from him. It's like he STARTED too late.

Remember a couple of years ago when Caulfield had a picture of himself, and it was for Dorian Grey, but a chatter here suggested it was "Holdin' Caulfield," which Jef said was even better?

Gene Weingarten: He has responded. I cannot reveal his response, but I don't think it lets him off the hook.

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Singlehood, Va.: I'm a 31 yr old single woman who shares all of your political views. As such, I don't think I could date a republican. My friends point out that I'm cutting off about 1/2 the male population and beggars shouldn't be choosers...but I don't know if I could really respect someone who supports George Bush. I then thought, well I'll give a pass if they voted for him in 2000 but not in 2004 (as they then fully knew what we were getting into). Or if they live in Virginia and voted for G. Allen last year, it's an automatic deal breaker. But I am being too picky? A guy asked me out this weekend who I thought was nice until I googled him (I love the internet) and saw that he worked for the White House -- what would you advise?

Gene Weingarten: My wife works for Alberto Gonzales.

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Cincinnati, Ohio: Hey! I object to your sexual euphemisms, which assume heterosexuality. This lesbian just can't make a reasonable choice with choices like "burying the bologna" and "Having the Marquis of Petersborough in for tea." I demand orientation-neutral euphemisms!

I also demand Salma Hayek. I'm not getting either, am I?

Gene Weingarten: Ha. Well, sweetie, we are defining copulation, you know? That is the only completely original one, by the way. That was mine.

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Washington, D.C.: That pics makes you look even more like Shansby's drawing - nothing like your Wikipedia picture.

But anyway, I'm writing in to ask your opinion on the pre-teen sexy costumes fad. You're a dad, but you're also a dude. What was Molly wearing at 11? She's a little younger than me. I'm pretty sure I was Old Mother Hubbard and carried my pound puppy around on a stick. In 3rd grade I was half man/half woman with a dress sewn to half a pair of pants.

Gene Weingarten: I'm pretty sure she was an old lady with a cane and a bun.

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God & Mammon: There's another possible "causation vs. coincidence" angle to this data as well:

People who are capital-R Rich as opposed to affluent may have acquired their wealth through illegal or immoral activities or business practices that would be rejected by religious people (think: Ted Turner, Robert Johnson, Ken Lay, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton).

Or they may be convinced that their good fortune is all their own doing, which leads a belief in the omnipotence of self, which is of course in conflict with belief in the Almighty.

There's a whole movement centering around Godly paths to material success (not crazy money, but comfortable affluence) that you could check out if you were interested.

Gene Weingarten: None of this makes sense to me.

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Arlington, Va.: I am fairly certain that someone is going to write in with some painfully earnest comment about using "the correct terminology" for ladyparts. Said person will then claim that the medically correct term is "vagina."

I am counting on you to set that person straight.

Gene Weingarten: I already have.

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Rabbi Ge, NE: Gene, I just stumbled on the recent crash-and-burn story of reporter and author Kurt Eichenwald. I had previously enjoyed reading his books, specifically because of what seemed to be the breadth of detail and the huge amount of research that seemed to have gone into it.

In light of his breaking one step of the journalist's ethos, that of not paying a source, and his subsequent revelation that his epilepsy impairs his memory and therefore he may have forgotten to inform his editors, would you consider his previous reporting under suspicion? Is there any scuttlebutt from now or from before about his reporting in the world of journalism?

Gene Weingarten: Boy, this is a complicated, unseemly, cautionary tale drenched in the sickly stench of child porn. I don't want to talk about it because I am also sadly involved in that world, right now.

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Tortured Genius, My A**: Now that we've been told that the Lucy character is based on Joyce Schulz (the first wife) and the classic strips with her and Schroeder are based on their marital interaction, I get sad when I read them. How awful it must have been for her to realize that she was being portrayed as a deluded stalker who could never leave the poor genius alone to practice his art.

Gene Weingarten: The whole thing becomes more sordid, sad and moving.

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Ron in Reston: Tom the Butcher just whacked off "penis"

I'm going to assume you wrote this on purpose, right?

Gene Weingarten: Right.

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Halloween, for Arlington: Not to be a downer on this Halloween eve-eve, but I have a thought for Arlington.

About 3 years ago, my daughter & her friend were dressed as mice for Halloween. Several houses up from ours, the woman asked if she could take a picture of them to send to her son in Iraq. A month later, her son was dead. I wondered if he got to see a picture of a couple of silly mice before he was killed, something to remind him of home and childhood and innocence.

This guy in Arlington might be a perv, or he might be taking pictures to brighten someone's day, or anything in between.

Gene Weingarten: I think we've lost our minds a little bit. Why assume a man taking pictures of kids in Halloween costumes is a perv?

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Metro Pervs: Hi Gene-

The story of the metro perv struck home. I was attacked twice while commuting downtown. One I was standing waiting for the bus at the corner of K st, and the other time while actually on a crowded metro bus. At the bus stop, which mind you was at 5:30 p.m. in the middle of rush hour with people all around on the sidewalks, no one stopped to help. I was grabbed by what I assume to be a homeless man -- he talked to me for a minute and threw his arms around me. I struggled and screamed, and no one helped. I got away and ran a few blocks, probably through traffic but I have no memory of the run. With the bus assault, I was in a seat on a metro bus reading and had headphones on. Apparently a man was trying to hit on me (my headphones were not up that loud) and got upset when I didn't respond. He SAT on me. I had no idea anything was going on until I was sat on. That time a couple of people on the bus actually got involved, and the bus driver called the police, but the man got off the bus before they arrived. So you really can't win. People are not willing to help other people. I won't go out alone at night anymore. I just feel like a target. And I no longer live in the DC area, because I couldn't cope with always feeling hunted.

Gene Weingarten: Well, you know, this is entirely different. I would physically assault a guy who was physically assaulting a woman.

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I was the "hysterical" woman in the previous post: I have to defend myself here. Number one, I was NOT hysterical. I was loud, but perfectly clear and articulate. I was not ranting, or crying, or being outrageous. I was very loudly but clearly stating exactly what I had seen and what needed to be done. I asked repeatedly for someone to get police. I pointed to the man as he was deleting the images and told everyone what he was doing.

I didn't want to walk away myself, as Liz suggested, because I was the only witness-- and I had seen this guy TWICE. Once he headed up the escalator, I didn't follow-- and maybe that was my fault. But I just can't believe that no one else had any responsibility here... to approach me in solidarity, to question the perv ("Dude, is she right? If not, what are you doing on the floor with that video camera?"), to get a cop just in case.

My retelling of the story may have made me sound more hysterical than I was, because I was SO upset that no one helped. But I maintain that I really was clear and calm-- albeit noisy as heck-- during the incident.

Gene Weingarten: Understood. And I didn't mean to imply you were nuts. This was one intriguing post, and we all thank you for it.

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googlenope fun.:"Tom the Butcher just whacked off" was a googlenope until today's chat.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaha.

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Your expertise on doggies: I don't think you have told us (but maybe you have and I forgot) where Murphy sleeps. I just got a rescue lab mix and he is pretty insistent on sleeping with me. If I put him down on his makeshift doggy bed, I go to sleep alone (30 something single female) but I wake up with his head on my stomach or his chin perched on my ankles or neck. I have sorta given up because I don't care but others tell me this is a big problem when it comes to obedience training - so what say you?

Gene Weingarten: Murphy sleeps on our bed. She is a big dog. Fortunately, the rib is a little woman, but it's still a tight fit. When Murph has a dogmare, she'll sometimes thrash us awake.

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Bystanders: I recall seeing a documentary a couple of years ago, perhaps on the Discovery Channel, about how people react to unexpected situations, and it turns out (according to some study -- I don't have the citation) that the presence of other people actually makes people less willing to take action. In this experiment, they put a person who thought he was applying for a job into a room to fill out an application. After a couple minutes, smoke started coming in under a door. Generally, the person would notice this, get up, and go report it to the person who had put him in the room. But when they put a second person in the room, the test subject would check to see if the other person was reacting. If he wasn't, the subject would ignore the smoke and go on filling out the application. I think the idea was that in unexpected situations with incomplete information, we look for cues to tell us how to react. With a bunch of people standing around being unsure what's happening, the inaction gets reinforced.

I think your read of the Metro situation is correct. People witnessed a woman in a public place screeching about something no one else saw, and did as urbanites are trained to do. They stayed out of it.

We can deplore their inaction, but I think many of us would have done the same. And I think we need to remember the flip side of crowd response, too. If everybody decides to take someone on based on incomplete information, you can create a lynch mob. I recall reading about a case not that long ago where a man had a seizure while driving and swerved and hit a little girl. The crowd that witnessed this pulled him from the car and beat him to death.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is a very well thought out analysis.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene:

I saw "Into the Wild" the other night and was puzzled by one part. The main character tries to cross the river toward the end, but it's running too fast. Why didn't he walk along the river until he found a spot where he could cross? The book says there was a spot about a mile from where he tried. That seems to contradict that the kid was a genius.

Gene Weingarten: The collision between fact and the fiction of the movie was intense. The kid was not a genius. He walked into the wilds of Alaska totally unschooled and unprepared.

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Clarification, please, redux: But that's my point--the act itself was exactly as bad as the original poster described it. It was a disgusting, heinous violation. And you seem to agree, but I don't understand why you then list all the crimes that the act was -not-, seemingly in order to mitigate the act itself. The fact that the act wasn't murder or rape or tax fraud doesn't make it any less awful, and more people should've stepped in.

And he was deleting MULTIPLE pictures on his camera. Jesus. Whoever you are, you festering, useless, cowardly gaping anal fissure, I hope your obviously undersized penis rots and falls off, and that I am there to take a picture of that moment and post it on the web. But don't worry--I won't include your face or the venue.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Am I an idiot?: Because I'd like to think I'm just a big softie.

I live in an adorable neighborhood busting with kids. The houses are close together and the sidewalks are huge. Lots of people go bananas with their Halloween decorations. Consequently, folks from other neighborhoods drive their kids to ours to trick-or-treat. Some of our neighbors give grudgingly or not at all to the unfamiliar kids.

I'm convinced I'm right to outright encourage this extra-neighborhood traffic. Can you use your supreme authority vested in you by Your Correct Opinion to tell the stinkers to ease up and make with the candy already?

Gene Weingarten: I live in a pretty upscale urban neighborhood without that many kids. I would say 75 percent of the trick or treaters are driven in from a much poorer neighborhood about a mile away. I like that. Happily dispense oodles of candy.

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Re: Tortured Genius?: But, but... Schroeder was an eight-year old playing a toy piano. No?

Gene Weingarten: He was a tortured genius 8 year old.

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Arlington, Va.: In "The Baby Chase," your old pal Tony Kornheiser says he would write in a room decorated with his prizes. Whenever he doubted himself or didn't think he could write, he'd look around, feel better about himself and starting typing.

I know your prizes are covered in dust in a closet.

So how do you find the confidence/motivation/desire to write?

Gene Weingarten: I have won only a few prizes, and I don't know where most of them are. I know where one of them is: It's a huge thing, a bronze sculpture for first prize in the University of Missouri feature writing contest, a minor big deal, for my piece on Savoonga. The prize came with a check for a thousand dollars, which I definitely kept. But the sculpture has been sitting on my desk at work for over a year, in a big cardboard box, under bubble wrap and styrofoam peanuts.

My impetus to write is fear.

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Fairfax, Va.: Is Molly around (or can you give advice)? We just adopted the sweetest, scruffiest little guy I could ever imagine. Already chaotically loving my Barney. He's a three-year-old stray who lived on the streets, and he is not poop-housebroken. On the advice of the vet, we've kept him in a cage, then for a walk, then in the cage, then for a walk, etc., etc. Nothing since Sunday night. I hate keeping him locked up literally all day and all night, with the exception of our 8 walks a day. Any ideas for getting his juices flowing sans full-time caging?

Gene Weingarten: If you are home all the time, as I tend to be, there is an answer. Let him out every 15 minutes. Just into a backyard, or frontyard, and when he relieves himself, praise him as though he had just solved the Taniyama Conjecture.

If he poops in the house, you have to catch him as he is doing it, then scream, grab him, and bring him outside, even if he is already done. He'll get it eventually.

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Alexandria, Va.: Being a good Catholic girl I have a little book of reflections I read each morning. Two weeks ago (I was going to tell you last week, but, sigh) that day's author referenced your "Pearls before Breakfast" article. It was about the importance of living in the moment and appreciating God around you.

Thought you'd like to know your work has made it into religious writings. Now, when the pope writes about the article, I really hope you get to do an interview with him. That would be awesome. Course I don't know about the new guy, but JP would have thought you were pretty funny.

Gene Weingarten: That story was written from a completely secular viewpoint but has been used by rabbis, priests and ministers in their sermons. I'm all for it.

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Washington, D.C.: Here is a public service to your readers: how to make a duct tape push-up bra.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Wheaton, Md.: Japanese women disguise selves as vending machines to fend off muggers.

I saw this and thought of you, Gene.

Enjoy.

Gene Weingarten: Ha. Obviously a joke, but funny.

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Washington, D.C.: I think the woman who spotted the Metro perv should've grabbed his camera and gone to the nearest kiosk to call Metro police. I know this sounds scary, but obviously the guy had done this before because he knew that he had to delete the images and then approached the woman with his statement of embarrassment and "you have no proof." There's a 50-50 chance he would've made a scene to get the camera back and but a chance he wouldn't have and who knows what other stuff may have been on that camera?

Gene Weingarten: IF it were my wife, I would not have wanted her to grab a man's camera. No effing way.

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Boynton Beach, Fla.: As a recovering alcoholic, I feel uniquely qualified to respond to the Guinness beer poster. It is a commonly known fact in the alcoholic arena that Miller Natural Light has the highest alcohol concentration of any of the "7-11 beers." You can keep your Guinness, you yuppie, beer-swilling cheapskate. But get your mitts off my (substantially cheaper) Natural Light.

Of course, vodka is greatly preferred.

Gene Weingarten: What?

How can any light beer have as much alcohol as a real beer?

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English-ism: Many years ago I spent my junior year abroad. I met some nice English students in my dorm in London. We ate dinner together in the cafeteria on one of my first nights there. We all made plans to meet again for breakfast. I said I hadn't found my alarm clock yet, so one of the nice gentlemen of the group quickly offered to come 'round in the morning to knock me up.

After a moment, I picked my jaw up off the floor and we got down to the task of English-American translation. No, we do not speak the same language.

And a rubber is an eraser. Another one I learned quickly in class when I was asked if I had one...

Which proves how repressed the English are. Even when they are talking about sex they don't know it.

Gene Weingarten: Tropic's art director, Philip Brooker, was a Brit. I once asked him to phone a woman for some reason, and he reported back a few minutes later that was engaged. This surprised me because I was sure she was a lesbian, and this was long before such couplings were routinely announced and sanctified. A very odd conversation ensued, until it became apparent that being "engaged" meant her phone was busy.

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Waste of Ti, ME: Gene,

I'm surprised you don't have more sympathy for Oddo. He graciously agrees to answer basic questions concerning United States politics to what he believes is a legitimate journalist, and during the interview finds out that it's an in-person version of a crank call--an intentional waste of his time, but also a gross abuse of his hospitality. You yourself have admitted to having almost-violent reactions to far, far less intrusive, intentional, and selfish behaviors.

Yes, it was also funny, and much less rude than performers such as the Jerky Boys or Borat. But I've often thought I would feel the same way if someone imposed upon me in that way. I wouldn't have responded in the way Oddo did, but I think I would have been that insulted.

Gene Weingarten: You're missing the point. Humor is funny. I can tell you exactly what would have happened if I had been the one being interviewed. After question one, I would have thought, omigod, this woman's an idiot. After question two I would have begun to wonder whether someone this stupid could be employed by a company rich enough to send her to the United States with a camera crew. By question three, I would Know What Was Going On, appreciate the humor, and start answering questions deadpan, in the style the question was asked. I would have said, yes, the cigar fiasco was deeply embarrassing to Mrs. Clinton, but the damage is offset by Obama's regrettable incident with the KY jelly and eggbeater.

Pia's best moment was when she was talking to the history professor, and she asks him for his thoughts on the state of the war in Vietnam.

He says, "You mean Iraq?"

She says, "No, Vietnam."

He says, "The fighting is in Iraq now."

She says,"It has spread to Iraq?"

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Re: Am I an idiot?: You gotta be kidding me! Not giving candy to trick-or-treaters because they don't live on your street?

Wow.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah.

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Midlothian, Va.: Two comments -- one, to hysterical woman - you say you weren't the only one with responsibility in that situation. Any responsibility was moral, not legal In this world, do you really blame people for not doing anything? Isn't the point to stop him -- which you did? Do you think he'll do it again soon?

Second, Gene -- your wife still works for Alberto? I thought he was history -- am I that uninformed?

Gene Weingarten: Isn't he still there until the new guy is confirmed?

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Mark Trail from 10/17/2007: Can you explain what is going on for those of us who are not comic-strip experts?

washingtonpost.com: Mark Trail, ( Oct. 17)

Gene Weingarten: Mr. Peter Johnson appears to be uttering the words in the last panel.

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Gene Weingarten: And with that, we're done. I am reliably informed that my wife no longer works for Gonzales. Who does she work for, then? Liz says it's apparently someone named Peter Keisler!

See you in the updates.

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UPDATED 10.31.07

Gene Weingarten: I just discovered I was horribly wrong about my opinion of "Into The Wild!" "Into The Wild" may be the finest American movie since Casablanca. The acting is rich and nuanced, the storyline compelling, the editing taut and and bold. Run, do not walk to see this brilliant example of modern American cinema. I discovered all this by accident yesterday when I was informed that the production company for "Into The Wild" is the same one that has an option on my movie.

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Gene Weingarten: From Amber Haugeto comes this link to a Japanese game show. It's basically human Tetris.

Also, from Amber, Japanese Matrix ping-pong.

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Gene Weingarten: And this is from Sharon Bower --

My favorite Britishism is from one of my former roommates, who spent a year in London . She was in a pub with some other college friends, smoking a cigarette, when an acquaintance walked up and asked, "Can I pinch a fag?" Once she recovered her composure, she gave him a piece of free advice: Never, ever, use that phrase in an American bar.

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Gene Weingarten: And continuing yesterday's all-pervert theme:

Man Allegedly Voilated Corpse, (NorthJersey.com)

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Tortured Geni, US: In one of my favourite Peanuts cartoons, Lucy notices that "the black keys are just painted on" on Schroeder's piano and asks him how he can hit all those notes.

"I practice a lot," he says.

(One assumes you had to do much the same in order to hit some of those harmonica "notes.")

Gene Weingarten: This is a great line.

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Intercourse, Pa.: Here's a funny seasonal question: What's the most offensive Halloween costume you've ever seen? In college, one year someone dressed up as a huge tampon -- really -- and another year someone dressed up as Jesus, complete with a huge wooden cross that he dragged around on his shoulders. I remember several people telling both of the offensive-costumers that their costumes were over the line, but neither one left the parties early.

Gene Weingarten: I don't think it is possible to have an offensive Halloween costume for an adult party, just as I don't think it is possible to have a version of the Aristocrats joke that "crosses the line." There is no line, and that's the point. If you are going to be offended by a crucifixion costume, don't go to the party.

Gene Weingarten: I invite dissent.

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Washington, D.C.: How many shakes in a public restroom before it is gratuitous? You want to make sure the last three drops go where they should, but you also don't want to see a shoe start tapping at you.

Gene Weingarten: It doesn't matter, so the fewer the better. When I was a lad, I learned these two fine rhymes:

No matter how you shake and dance / The last few drops go down your pants.

Also,

No matter how you shake your peg / The last few drops run down your leg.

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UPDATED 11.1.07

Cincinnati, Ohio: I was once waiting for a bus in Chicago when a woman took out a belt and started beating a young boy (her grandson?) across the arms with it. The boy screamed, then started sobbing. An older sibling, maybe a 12-year-old girl, tried to intervene, and grandma made her stand there, humiliated, while she beat her with the belt, too. The girl was embarrassed but refused to cry.

There were easily 50 people watching this. We talked to each other about how this was making us sick, how we wished she would just stop. We tried to make enough noise so she would hear us and realize we disapproved. But she kept hitting.

Finally, a young man stepped in and told the woman to quit beating the boy, and the woman let out a bunch of racist slurs and shouted that the reason kids grow up to be like him is because they weren't properly disciplined.

A police officer watched the whole thing and did nothing for a while. When it looked like the woman might start attacking the stranger with the belt, he finally stepped in.

What would you do in this situation? I just stood there and felt terrible, but part of me wondered if I had any right to say anything about the way a woman disciplines her children/grandchildren. This happened months ago. I still can't shake it.

Gene Weingarten: You have to stop the beating of a child. You just do.

I once saw something as disturbing as I'd ever seen. This was 30 years ago, in a bar in Albany. A really seedy looking young couple was at the bar; they looked liked serious alcoholics or druggies. They had drinks in front of them. At one point, the woman left to go to the bathroom.

I saw the man look down at the bar, shuffle through the bills he had out there, and realize she had stolen a $20. He got up from his seat, walked to the single seat bathroom, and kicked the door in. Then he dragged her off the seat (she was clothed, I think was hiding the bill in her pants) and dragged her out of the bar. As they left, her shirt hiked up and I could see a big black and blue mark on her side.

There was really no time to do anything, and I probably wouldn't have, anyway. That guy was deadly.

Still remember this, with horror.

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Monkey County: Murphy is adorable! You, on the other hand, look like what my Dad would look like if he got a perm. I am no longer comfortable flinging virtual panties at you. No offense.

Gene Weingarten: I knew this was coming. I expect no women on the chat next week. I might as well make the poll about The Flash.

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Takoma, Washington, D.C.: Since the discussion on the twirler continues, I'll contribute some info that I received forwarded from a neuropsych discussion list:

This is like the illusion of the Necker cube. The following Web site the describes the effect and gives a demo if you click on the applet.

From Wikipedia:

"The Necker cube is used in epistemology (the study of knowledge) and provides a counter-attack against naive realism. Naive realism (also known as direct or common-sense realism) states that the way we perceive the world is the way the world actually is. The Necker cube seems to disprove this claim because we see one or the other of two cubes, but really, there is no cube there at all: only a two-dimensional drawing of twelve lines. We see something which is not really there, thus (allegedly) disproving naive realism. This criticism of na?ve realism supports representative realism.

A rotating Necker cube was used to demonstrate that the human visual system can recruit new visual cues that affect the way things look."

Gene Weingarten: This is a better link.

It is a brilliantly simple illusion: Perhaps the father of all illusions, and, yes, very much like the spinning dancer.

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Best play ever?: Even though the touchdown is good, I have to disagree with Mr. Barry that this one eclipses Cal/Stanford in 1982. Yes, it had only five laterals, but the Cal guy running over the Stanford trombone player in the end zone is impossible to beat.

Gene Weingarten: I agree.

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Women as Vending Machines: The pose someone sent in today about women disguising themselves as vending machines is no joke: the story was in the New York Times.

Gene Weingarten: I am just stunned. It is so... what's the word I am looking for? Stupid! There ya go.

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Main Street, USA: Wearing a very small and "slutty" french-maid costume that barely covers my buttocks.

My question is in relation to bathroom etiquette. A co-worker flushed the toilet with his foot -- and broke the handle off which of course flooded the bathroom. My co-worker said they was only in the stall b/c they had to blow their nose -- but there was a "full bowl" if you know what I mean. So do you think maybe this person was covering up a MASSIVE deposit that clogged -- with a move that could have potentially provided the same result (flooding the bathroom) by saying they broke the handle and that water was all over the place?

Oh -- and by the way -- I know you probably got excited by the costume -- but I'm a man! :D

Gene Weingarten: I hate you and you are forever banned from these chats.

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UPDATED 11.2.07

Fellow Capitol Hillian: Didja see this article in Slate today about stick shifts vs. automatic?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, this is all pretty apparent; I have always equated Americans' love affair with the automatic transmission with our national tendency to be too fat. It's not real pretty.

Anyone with reasonable dexterity can learn to drive a stick in one week. And it's fun. And it REALLY saves your brake pads. And it really boosts your gas mileage; the main reason for the latter is how often you can drive with the clutch disengaged (ie, in "neutral.") Your engine is at idle speed, but you are traveling fast. Saves a lot of gas.

Plus, if you first learn on a clutch, you ALWAYS pass your first driving test, unless, like, you roll the car. Driving instructors are very impressed when a kid can drive a stick.

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Red letter day: Your poll missed all the good euphemisms for "I'm menstruating." Which is best?

A. I'm having the painters in.

B. There's a massacre at the Y.

C. I'm taking Carrie to the prom.

D. My kitten has a nosebleed.

Gene Weingarten: You know, there is something completely elegant about "a visit from my Aunt Flo." I don't think anything can compete. The massacre at the Y isn't bad.

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You WERE being honest, wOW: Statement and a question. Statement: Thank god you're so funny.

Question (of the ephemeral, maybe-should-be-posed-to-Carolyn sort): How do you get over fear. For instance, fear of writing. Fear of failure?

Gene Weingarten: My fear is greater than fear of failure, because it combines fear of failure with fear of death and decrepitude. I secretly worry that I am slowly getting feebler of mind. Everything I write I see as a test of that. It raises the stakes considerably. It's hell being me.

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Richmond, Va.: Getting into vet school is much harder than getting into med school (because there are fewer spots, not necessarily because it takes more brains). I know two people who could not get into vet school and settled for med school.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I didn't mean to imply vet students were of higher intellect. But the fact is, a really smart good student will usually find a med school that will take him. Amazingly qualified students often wait two years or more before they get into vet school.

Molly woke us with a call at midnight one day to babble out excitedly that she'd gotten into Cornell. I thought it was odd she didn't wait until morning; that was before I understood how big a deal the news actually was.

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Washington, D.C.: Speaking as a Yankee fan:

Guiliani: Dead to you?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. It was shameless. He could have pulled it off if he had made fun of himself and his shamelessness, but he didn't.

The idea of a Yankees fan pulling for the Sox in the World Series is simply unnatural. Any Red Sox fan would understand.

Speaking of making fun of his shamelessness, check out the next post.

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on the other ha, ND: George Carlin was said in one of his HBO specials (paraphrasing) you can joke about anything, in the proper context? What about Rape? He said, "Imagine Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd."

Gene Weingarten: I think, at the very least, that you can always do a joke about how you can't do a joke about some subjects. Many years ago, for the Style Invitational, to introduce a contest on tasteless ideas, I persuaded the Czar to use this example: "The Holocaust on Ice." A joke about how you can't joke about the Holocaust.

At least I think that example was used. It is possible the editor killed it, but if he did, he was WRONG.

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I'm just wondering why females all get pissed off when a member of the opposite sex throw the "you're having PMS" card. : I'll tell you why: because PMS is a male myth created to discredit women. The traditional society brainwashed some women into beleiving they incapable, which is why so many women themselves further this clap. The accusation is used to discredit and belittle women and as proof that they can't hack it in a man's world. That whole belief that it is a man's world is so outdated and insulting. Only one person could even have the right to say that and my husband knows better! If my male boss said that to me, I'd string him up for sexual harassment: it's a totally inappropriate comment for a man to make to a female coworker.

Gene Weingarten: Hmmmmmmmmm.

Okay, well I agree in spirit with everything you say, but wonder at your first line. You think PMS is a "myth" invented by men, like "penis envy"?

I can only tell you that I have a close female friend, an ardent feminist, a professional, a mom, a tough cookie in her 40s, who disagrees with you, from personal experience.

I think it is possible to acknowledge the existence of the phenomenon (at least in some women) without accepting the myth that it cripples you emotionally.

Men are not without gender-based emotional problems: Road rage is almost entirely a male phenomenon. I'm not even going to get into pedophilia.

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Submit to next week's tallywhacker.

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