Gene Weingarten
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, November 6, 2007; 12:00 PM

DAILY UPDATES: 11.7.07 | 11.8.07 | 11.9.07

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: Door 1 -- Women | Door 2 -- Men

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

One of the great joys of this chat, for me, is the occasional opportunity I get to reveal stuff that didn't make it into my stories or columns, stuff that was cut on account of taste. Obviously, here in the chat we HAVE no taste, so anything goes. Tom the Butcher cut one entire conversation from my column on Sunday merely because he found it disgusting. I didn't really fight him much, just got on the phone with another dealership, and asked the same question but went in a different direction. Anyway, here was the original item about making out in the back of a car. I was talking to an Isuzu used-car salesman.

Me: I'm looking for a late model used car that's good for making out in.

Hatari: Hell, any car is good to make out in! Just jump in the back seat!

Me: Oh, well, I guess I can go to any dealer then.

Hatari: No, I have perfect cars for you. I have a sweet Honda Civic, $4,500, plenty of room in the back seat. I got a Mitsubishi Gallant with even more.

Me: How about a Rodeo?

Hatari: I have something similar to a Rodeo... A midsize Explorer. The third row lays down, you got even more room. And the steering column tilts up!

Me: I was sort of hoping for a Rodeo.

Hatari: Why?

Me: I was thinking a Rodeo would be most appropriate for, like, a backwards cowgirl.

Hatari:

Me:

Hatari: You a wild, wild guy, man.

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My 16-year-old Mazda 323 just has had its first serious mechanical problem; it's not serious in the sense of costly to fix, exactly; it's serious in the sense of "holy crap, what do I do now?" It reminds me of the lame old joke about the various body parts arguing over which was most important. In the end (ha) the lowly old anus proves he is the most important by shutting down, thereby making all the other parts get really sick.

My car is currently on the street, inoperable. I could drive it, and it would run fine, but I could not drive it for more than a few miles. The part that is broken probably costs less than a dollar, and no, it has nothing to do with the tailpipe. In fact, an ordinary car mechanic would probably not be able to help me out. I'm not entirely sure whom to go to, and while a dealership might be able to help me, the age of my car suggests it might not. Can anyone guess what is wrong with my car?

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Nothing funny here, just an observation: I believe the situation in Pakistan has finally, inarguably cemented W's hold on "Worst President of All Time." He has managed to put this country in the position internationally that we can do nothing about -- cannot even publicly criticize -- a monster who has arrested his country's Supreme Court, jailed opposition party members, closed TV stations and newspapers and suspended constitutional elections in a power grab more audacious than anything Hitler ever did. Any last shred of a suggestion that Bush's administration at least stands for the noble philosophy of spreading freedom? Gone. Bush is a disgrace. A malevolence. An utter failure. A purulent pustule.

Thank you.

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Dave Zarrow sent this in. It is supposedly a video of a GI trying to whip some Iraqi recruits into shape. Neither Dave nor I knows if it is real, but we hope it is.

Click here: YouTube - Iraqi Army Training

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Please take today's poll (Door 1 -- Women | Door 2 -- Men). Hey, tell me what desirable careers I missed: Too many of you are choosing "Other." I have a feeling I neglected some obviously attractive jobs. Oh, I know one: Own my own business. Yes?

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Sunday was a terrific comics day. We have joint CPOWs, both deserving: Watch Your Head and Opus. First Runner Up is Candorville, also from Sunday. This is a rare feat: A hat trick for a comics editor, Amy Lago.

Let us all glare at Pastis for his Pearls today, which is a pretty shocking ripoff of a Far Side from 20 years ago, when the cats lured the dog into the clothes dryer with a crude sign saying "Fud Here." Let us also note that today's Nonseq, which is usually pretty reliably intellectual, misuses "The Feminine Mystique."

Okay, let's go.

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Alexandria, Va.: Do you have any tattoos? It's not like you're afraid of needles.

Gene Weingarten: I have only two, but they are large. The first is on my chest, and it is an arrow pointing up. Underneath, it says "The Man." On my belly I have an arrow pointing down. Above it, it says, "The Legend."

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Car: No turn signal? You mean unable to drive legally or just unable to drive at all more than a few miles?

Gene Weingarten: The latter.

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Pedophilia: In your last update from last week's chat you stated that pedophilia is almost entirely a male thing. I have to disagree. Just do a Google search on "teacher sleeps with student" and the entire first page is news of female teachers sleeping with male students. One of them was a 32-year-old woman with a 13-year-old boy. Is that not pedophilia?

Gene Weingarten: Correct. That is not pedophilia. It is disgusting, but not pedo. Pedophilia, as is commonly medically defined, is interest in prepubescent people.

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Crazy, Town: Good God, people, have you ever spent more than an hour in a kindergarten classroom? There is NO WAY so many of you should want to be kindergarten teachers!

You have to teach those kids to use scissors, hold pencils, get in line, sit in a chair quietly. Not to mention teaching them the alphabet, numbers, etc.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. K teachers have to also deal with at least ten children asking questions at the same time. Oh, and then there are the children with disabilities, or who don't speak English, or who have ADHD and can't sit still for more than 10 seconds. No classroom, NO CLASSROOM, is more chaotic than a Kindergarten classroom.

I'd rather stick dull pencils under my fingernails than be a kindergarten teacher.

Ugh.

Gene Weingarten: No poll result in my memory surprised me as much as the fact that MEN, in significantly large numbers, are choosing kindergarten teacher.

It would be my last choice, among these. It would exhaust me, I would hate it, I wouldn't be good at it, and it would teach me to hate children.

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Early Menopause, Va.: How old is Ellen McCarthy?

She called Ethan Hawke middle aged! Really?

Sure, his face has taken a beating over the years and I understand the (kinda weak)comparison she was trying to make to his slacker character in Reality Bites -- but he's ONLY 37!

Is she new? How did the editor, copy editor not catch this? And yes, I'm sensitive, because I guess I'll be middle-aged in five years.

Gene Weingarten: Well, I was surprised to learn this, but the U.S. Census Bureau defines middle age as 35 to 54. So.

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Puzzler: That's not hard. You broke the key.

Gene Weingarten: No.

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Rockville, Md.: Gene, I know you work from home nowadays, but in the past, how have you dealt with listening to a coworker say things you find offensive? Do you think it's better to speak up (knowing the person is never going to change her view) or just stay out of it?

Today when I arrived at work, one of my coworkers was telling another that she believes homosexuality is wrong, as in sinful. She kept comparing gays to thieves and saying that they can be taught not to act that way.

I'm not gay, but several of my cousins are, so I found it rather offensive to compare my family members to criminals.

(BTW, the other coworker wasn't really saying anything about his own beliefs, so I'm not sure if he was agreeing with her or just hoping she'd shut up.)

So, speak up or stay quiet?

Gene Weingarten: I'd speak up. You're kind of condoning it if you don't. I wouldn't be condemnatory or confrontational, exactly. I'd simply explain "the other side" in a way that is so persuasive it makes it clear they have no idea what they are talking about and are speaking from bigotry not logic.

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Careers: I want to be a translator and travel to interesting places and get paid to learn new languages and meet interesting people.

Had to go with "other."

Gene Weingarten: Right.

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Re: your car...: Well your car is 16 years old, which means it was manufactured in that funny time period where seat belts attached to the door were all the rage.

If the seat belt is not plugged into the door (or in your case, the wire is shorted out) the car won't start, and on occasion will cut out on you.

This happened to my 1990 VW... I'd stick my finger up there to complete the circuit. Not that I recommend that.

Gene Weingarten: Good guess, and I do have that seat belt, but that is hardly a one dollar part.

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The Mall, Washingotn, D.C.: I am purty sure that the dog lured the cat.

We have "cat fud" written on the top of our cat food container.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, absolutely correct.

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Other careers: I've always wanted to own a bookstore. I'd love to be surrounded by books all day, and if the store wasn't busy I could just sit and read to my heart's content. If that wasn't a possibility, I think I'd be happy as a librarian. How lovely that would be. But no, I'm the director of a clinical laboratory. Although it's gratifying to help our patients, it isn't where my heart is.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I'm seeing the sorts of things I missed.

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Pink Eye: I woke up this morning with a crusty eyelid, and I look like I've been drinking the bad stuff all night. I haven't had this since kindergarten! Any advice?

washingtonpost.com: You know, that's caused by getting fecal matter in one's eye. I'd recommend washing your hands.

Gene Weingarten: Haha. You may have pinkeye. Very contagious. Treatable. You probably need to see a doc. You also could have scratched your cornea. I'd see a doc.

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West Palm Beach, FL: Here's my (very brief) rant:

George Bush should be tried at The Hague for war crimes and crimes against humanity.

Endo of rant.

Gene Weingarten: No. This is not a facilitator of genocide. This is a shockingly incompetent world leader whose misguided policies have injured and killed countless people.

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Alexandria, Va.: Thermostat is broken. Car starts overheating a few miles down the road especially at stop and go city speeds.

Gene Weingarten: EAsily fixable by a mechanic. No.

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Neither Click nor Clack: I'm guessing that you have a locking gas cap that is broken in the on-and-locked position. If so, it's time for a locksmith, although many so-called locking gas caps can easily be picked open.

Gene Weingarten: GIVE THE MAN A CIGAR.

Yes. I cannot open it. And I have about a quart of gas left.

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PMS Town, USA: At the extreme risk of sounding like a caricature, or being unPC, or being big jerk, I'm going to weigh in on the PMS discussion.

Anybody denying that it exists and that it doesnt impact women's (not all women, I don't think, and certainly not to the same extent) emotional framework is either fooling themselves or being disingenuous.

Now I've dated women who have been a lot more emotionally stable than I am (road rage, lord... I used to get Playstation rage when I couldn't beat a game after a certain number of frustrating tries). But i have also dated women who, for lack of a better expression, I could tell when they were about to start their periods because somebody turned the emotions dial all the way to 11. Thats when fights break out over which way the toilet paper hangs, when every person at work is out to get her and mean and insensitive jerks, and she cries while watching "Two and a Half Men" on TV.

Its like clockwork. And I'll be honest, i think it can definitely hurt women in the workplace if they're working with predominantly men who are used to the workplace being a more "emotion neutral" or at least a male-centric emotional environment.

Let the flaming begin.

Gene Weingarten: I think most women would agree with you up to a point. The syndrome is real for some women, and intense for a smaller group of that first group, and incapacitating for almost no women.

It's something you cope with, just like men have to cope (all the time) with unproductive hostility and other disagreeable male emotional tendencies.

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Springfield, Va.: I picked Other as Brothel Quality Control Monitor was not listed as a choice.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Bush: The Power of Mediocrity - never underestimate it.

Gene Weingarten: He is not mediocre.

He combines thunderous stupidity with phenomenal balls. He is waaaaay below mediocre.

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You know, that's caused by getting fecal matter in one's eye. : Yep. Usually happens when I open the Celebritology page.

washingtonpost.com: Snap. Touche.

Gene Weingarten: Heh.

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Anonymous: Gene: Molly woke us with a call at midnight one day to babble out excitedly that she'd gotten into Cornell. I thought it was odd she didn't wait until morning; that was before I understood how big a deal the news actually was.

Hmmmm. I know Cornell didn't call her up at 11:00 at night so the question is not why didn't she wait until morning but rather why did she wait until midnight? She got a letter, no?

Gene Weingarten: She worked late at night. She didn't read the letter till she got home.

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Washington, D.C.: Hi Gene!

Which one of these do you think is (more) correct?

Close to the vest vs. Close to the chest;

Coming down the pike vs. Coming down the pipe?

I use the former in both instances but have been laughed at for my "incorrect" usage and recently read the former version is older and less used. What do you use? Or do you not use these sayings because they are cliches?

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: I seldom use either but the first is right in both instances.

Gene Weingarten: There are so many misused expressions. "That doesn't jive with," instead of jibe.

Any more?

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Saves your brake pads?: Why would driving a manual transmission "REALLY" save your brake pads? Surely you're not advocating engine braking in normal driving -- a process which wears your clutch out much faster. You must mean engine braking going down steep hills. Does it really make that much difference (outside San Francisco)?

To note, the reason engine braking wears the clutch out in normal driving is that to effectively slow the car down, you cannot match the engine speed to the wheel speed like you would on a normal down shift, as this does not slow the car. You would trade brake pad wear for clutch wear, a much more costly repair proposition.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not talking about engine braking. I don't do that, or hardly ever.

I am talking about the fact that a stickshift car always brakes while in neutral, with the engine disengaged from the wheels. So the brakes are not fighting the engine.

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Bomb, YX: Gene, I'm surprised at you. I think of you as an upholder of the highest journalistic standards, but you've been sloppy in your latest column. Bombyx mandarina is by no means endangered; it is widespread throughout eastern Asia.

washingtonpost.com: Auto Neuroticism, (Post Magazine, Nov. 5)

Gene Weingarten: Actually, I was referring to bombyx mori, the domesticated version of bombyx mandarina. Mori is so delicate it can only exist under human controlled breeding. But, regardless, the column is true, because THAT IS WHAT I SAID TO THE GUY.

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Atlanta, Ga.: Liz,

It is hard to figure out how to turn off SmartQuotes in Word. Here are the instructions for people who wish to make your life easier but do not know how. (We think you're amazing!)

Under the tools menu, select AutoCorrect Options. This activates the AutoCorrect interaction box. Select the AutoFormat As You Type tab. At the top, uncheck the box for Straight Quotes for Smart Quotes.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Alas, this does not work in Microsoft Office Word 2007, which I have on my laptop. There is no Tools menu. Anyone know how to do it?

This reminds me. My spiffy new Vaio laptop is loaded with Microsoft Vista, which, unfortunately, is incompatible with many existing corporate communication systems, including The Washington Post. This means that I cannot easily reply to emails sent to me at the Post. Hence, in the last few weeks I have been less good than usual at communicating with people who write to me. Don't take it personally. I hope to rectify the situation shortly.

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Theophyla, CT: James Thurber claimed in "The Years with Ross" that when he was a boy in Columbus, the expression for menstruation was "The mirror cracked from side to side." But nobody reads Tennyson nowadays.

Gene Weingarten: Some people read Agatha Christie, though.

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Washington, D.C.: Maybe you can help me with guy talk. I was at a bar with my girlfriends when I overheard two guys describing types of unattractive women. They said one-bagger, two-bagger, three-bagger, and the coyote. My friends and I could guess what the baggers meant, but what is a coyote?

Gene Weingarten: The bags and coyote and levels of unattractiveness. A one-bagger is a woman so ugly you need to put a bag over her face. A two-bagger means you put a bag over your face too, in case the bag over her face falls off. I have never heard of a three-bagger, but it's clearly a variation of the above.

A coyote is a woman so ugly that, when you wake up the next morning, you want to gnaw your arm off, like a trapped coyote, to get away.

We will stipulate that these terms are repulsive, and we will further stipulate that the guys doing the rankings are probably coyotes.

(I know these terms because of an emergency secret cover story I am working on.)

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Coolest jobs: I'm too lazy to click the link again, but was fighter pilot on the list? Because hands-down that is the best job on the planet. You get to play with giant $100 million toys, get all the chicks, and wear pajamas all day. And ALL YOU DO is fly, because you need your rest and therefore other people do all the menial administrative aspects that other military jobs include.

I firmly believe that fighter jock is the only job that has had a movie made about it that probably DOWNPLAYED how crazy the lifestyle is.

Gene Weingarten: I hear ya, but there might be a certain risk factor to consider.

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Career change: I chose short order cook in a deli. I love to cook. I love hustle and bustle. I love meeting people and making them happy with delicious food.

I'm surprised this wasn't a more popular choice. Do you think this is a stigma on being in food service? Or am I blinded by my enjoyment of cooking to some awful aspects of this job?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, you know, to me there was no question: I would want the job that would be the most interesting, the one where I could learn stuff every day, have some adventures. I took cop, hands down. Every day a new adventure.

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Car Guess: Dammit! Let the record show that I guessed the gas cap thing before you revealed the answer.

Gene Weingarten: Noted!

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Dream Wizard: In the midst of an altogether mundane dream last night, the viewing pane suddenly shrank to a rectangle in the upper right quadrant, and a text message appeared: "THIS IS A FICTIONALIZED ACCOUNT. EVENTS DEPICTED MAY NOT HAVE ACTUALLY OCCURRED." In 18pt. font, slightly Italic, red characters. The screen then reverted to full size and dream action continued the entire time, uninterrupted.

I swear and/or affirm the forgoing is true.

I have two questions directed to your career counseling/medical diagnostic service.

1. You think maybe I've been practicing law too long?

2. After 33 years doing nothing else, what are the chances I have any useful skills? I mean "fictionalized"?!?

Gene Weingarten: This is fabulous. It just is. Only a lawyer could dream that.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene,

So I'm having a bit of a dispute with my neighbor. (Short version: I'm right, they're not.) How much trouble would I get into with the karmic forces if I were to sign my neighbors up for magazines? As in lots of magazines? As in, go to Borders and get the subscription cards for hundreds of them, including the porn ones, and signing my neighbors up for 2-3 year subscriptions?

Gene Weingarten: From your question I can deduce one significant fact:

1. They're right, you're not.

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Dog licks: Gene: This might make your morning. I want to figure out how to make it my computer background.

Sorry, I can't figure out how to make this a hyperlink.

Gene Weingarten: This would be an incredible screen saver. If you figure it out, let us know.

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Midlothian, Va.: Re: Intervening

I used to work for a large hotel chain, and in one of the training sessions regarding guest interaction, we were told if we ever witnessed abuse of some kind, to walk up to the person, and calmly as could be say "May I help you?" I was really skeptical of this at first, but I've done it twice and it has seemed to work both times. It really reboots the person. I then would follow up with "Is there someone I could call to help you out?"

One time was when I was 9 months pregnant and huge, I saw a young man (teenager) roughly dragging a little girl (probably 8 or so) by the arm. He was slapping her face. This was in the middle of a crowded mall. No one was doing anything, but a lot of people were staring. He was a big guy, but I walked up and asked if he needed help. My husband was a little terrified I did this, but being that pregnant gave me a sense of invulnerability since most men were scared I was going to have a baby on them or something. Anyway, he said no, it was his sister. I asked the girl if she was OK, and if she wanted me to call her mom. The teenager was really embarrassed, as he should have been. The girl said she was fine, but I worry to this day if anything happened to her in the car or at home, and if my stepping in helped or made it worse.

Gene Weingarten: It made it better. You induced guilt in him. You slapped him awake.

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The problem with pedophilia...: Ha, thought that subject line would grab you. The problem with insisting on technicalities here is that you end up looking like the Vatican, feebly protesting that priests molesting altar boys is not pedophilia but ephebephilia, as if that were the point.

Gene Weingarten: Very true. But there is also a continuum of horror here, and the true pedophile who molests is on a lower rung.

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Undisclosed location: According to urbandictionary.com, the third bag is either for the dog, the guy watching through the window, or for you to be sick in, should the other two bags come off.

Gene Weingarten: HAHAHAHAHA. Thank you. Aren't guys great?

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One Bagger: I had to explain the "Butterface", "Grenade", "The Closer" and "50 footer" to the wife. Don't girls have these terms as well?

Gene Weingarten: Explain the last three to all of us, please.

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Misused expressions: "Chafing at the bit" - I often see this as "chomping at the bit" or "clamping at the bit." Doesn't it refer to what happens to the sides of overexcited horses' mouths?

Gene Weingarten: Very good, but off. I would say "chomping" has overtaken the original correct meaning, which is not "chafing," but "champing."

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Stone Harbor, N.J.: How are you solving your Vista problem? I have the same problem with my new computer.

Gene Weingarten: I don't know. I was hoping someone out there would help. The Post is clueless about what to do.

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Doggie Help: So the new husband and I are rife with marital bliss. Married six months, bought a cute house, a puppy, love each other so much, etc.

Here's the problem. You said Murphy still sleeps in bed with you, right? Well, so does Sadie. Except that every time we want to get... uh... romantic, we put her outside our room where she proceeds to howl and whine and cry as if she is being tortured.

This is really starting to effect our... relationship. On the other hand, though, I would feel extremely uncomfortable with her in the room.

I figured you would be the person with the best answer to this question.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not. Best person to ask about this is Victoria Schade, Murphy's erstwhile trainer. I emailed her. This is her answer:

In this scenario the timing is all wrong for any heavy-duty dog training, so an easy behavior management technique should do the trick. It'll help to give your dog something to do while you're ... doing something. The much beloved "Macho Stick" chew would be a thematically appropriate choice, or you can plan ahead and stuff a few activity toys (like the Kong) with goodies. The secret to Kong stuffing is to make it easy for your dog to get at the savories right away, then pack extra-awesome stuff towards the back of it. Done right, giving your dog a well-stuff Kong outside the bedroom should give you and your beloved enough time to fully experience the marital embrace.

I did a bunch of "How to stuff activity toy" videos for a web site a few months ago.

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Hot Car, V.: Gene,

I'd planned to send you this message before I read your article about car dealerships. The following is a true story.

Last week I sold two expensive items on eBay, one a totally slinky cocktail dress made by a famous designer occasionally mentioned by characters on Sex And The City, the other a piece of jewelry by another very famous company. I sell a lot on eBay but only rarely do I sell items this expensive, so when I sell a big ticket item I will sometimes Google the winning bidders to see if I can find out a little about them.

The winner of the slinky dress had a name so unusual -- let's call her Ginger Snap -- that I checked it out. She's a former stripper who appeared on a reality TV show in the past year or so.

The winner of the expensive jewelry item had a pretty unusual name too -- let's call him Swifty LaRue. He owns a car dealership!

The morning after these transaction ended, I received a message from PayPal indicating they were withholding the money sent to me from Swifty's account because of "irregularities" and so now I have to sell the jewelry item again. The dress came off without a hitch. (Haha!)

The moral of the story? It's better to trust a stripper than a car dealer.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Disneylan,ND: Kindergarten teacher is the only choice that truly allows one to use creativity in a positive way.

Gene Weingarten: Good point. But it would STILL kill me.

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DC: Please explain Butterface too, while you're at it. (Yes, I'm female.)

Gene Weingarten: A butterface is a woman who is hot in every department butterface.

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Washington, D.C.: So what about this writer's strike? Any thoughts of scabbing? Although I can see the risks. Should Leno stark espousing his views on VPL and dark chocolate The Washington Post could get egged by enraged word-smiths.

Gene Weingarten: I am a member of that guild, and I am indeed on strike. The script Dave and I wrote was optioned just in time.

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USA: Could you guys just stop the Bush bashing and just stick to being "Funny" for a change.

Gene Weingarten: No. It is no longer Bush bashing, if it ever was. It is now our Constitutional duty to despise the man. All of us. Even you.

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Houston, Tex.: Have you seen this Web site?

Warning: can be highly addictive, especially to guys who like to show off their huge... vocabulary.

(I haven't be able to get above level 47 myself).

washingtonpost.com: Oooh, this is addictive.

Gene Weingarten: I just got to 48, then tanked badly.

This is wildly addictive, and I hope the rice thing is true.

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RE; One bagger: The grenade is the girl you fall on for your buddy when you are playing wingman. You must to do this to keep your man card.

The closer is the last one at the bar, no one else will see you leave with her.

The 50-Footer is the one that looks good from that far away, but the closer you get the uglier she becomes¿

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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"Kong stuffing": I think I just found a new code name for what used to be referred to as "mommy and daddy need to have a meeting, upstairs."

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

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Donald Trump's Hair: A good friend of mine sent me this e-mail last week. I thought the world should be able to share in and respond to his observations:

So I ran into Donald Trump at the Nets game last night. I was standing less than 3 feet away from him for a solid 15 seconds, and I took the opportunity to closely examine his hair. Upon further review, it is real, and it is the trippiest and weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life. It appears there are three distinct areas where the hair grows. The main source is from the back of his head, in an area no bigger than the bandage on Marcellus Wallace's head in Pulp Fiction. The amount of hair he has grown from that spot is mind-boggling, and it is a very bizarre orange-ish color. Let's just say it's not a color you would find in a box of crayons. He combs it so it covers a large portion of the back of his head, part of the left side of his head, and much of the top of his head. The coverage he gets from this small patch is almost inconceivable.

The second patch grows on the left side of his head and is snow white. It just kind of sits there without any purpose, much like I do on an NFL Sunday. The third patch is on the right side of his head. It's orange, but a different kind of orange than what's on the back.

All in all, it was a very disturbing experience, and I'm still pretty shaken up by it. I took the day off to recover.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you for sharing this. I'm amazed it is not a toupee.

Liz, can you find the column I wrote about watching Trump speak at a Tony Robbins seminar?

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Jo, BS: Wait. Your wife is a lawyer, right? Shouldn't that be taken into consideration whenever you talk about pursuing your career strictly for self-fulfillment? I imagine you could have afforded to be a failed writer. Some of us would love to be x,y, or z but we don't have anyone else to pay the bills and we've got kids to take care of. It's not that easy for everyone, buddy.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not sure what you're complaining about. Didn't the poll give you appropriate options?

My wife is a government lawyer. We couldn't pay the mortgage on her income alone.

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"Stuff the activity toy": is an excellent euphemism for what original poster is hoping to do out of view of her dog.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Licking Dogs: Google -SWF Screensaver- and you'll find a number of utilities than can convert a SWF file into a screensaver...

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Amherst, Mass.: Why do women wear skirts and dresses?

My theory, which I'm not brave enough to say out loud, is that because it exposes genitalia, they are a societal message that women don't control their own bodies. If they want to look dressed up and in control, they have to balance it off by uncovering their genitalia (underwear notwithstanding) and making themselves vulnerable.

I remember reading a terribly poignant account of the area in front of the World Trade Center towers -- just before they fell, I think -- that was covered with women's high-heeled shoes. In order to run away, they had to go barefoot. Women's clothing was, in that case, life-threatening.

I'm a teacher, and I tell the girls in my class to consider the idea that the clothing they're encouraged to wear is the kind of thing that would interfere with their ability to escape from a stalking tiger. They think it's funny, and it's intended that way, but there are real tigers in their lives -- disasters, Metro pervs, date rapists, what else?

So why do women wear skirts and dresses?

Gene Weingarten: Interesting theory. I don't buy it, but it's interesting.

I don't buy it because skirts and dresses began as floor-length things, exposing nothing but an ankle, if that. Men's outfits -- leggings and such -- exposed more. No?

Shoes are a different matter. I am reliably informed that women's legs look more shapely when the heel is elevated, though I don't see it. So that is a matter of display at the cost of comfort. I have no idea how women learn to walk gracefully in high heels. It is just another of those mysteries that makes me worship them.

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Washington, D.C.: it's not a britishism, but I still like it. I had a job a few years ago where I was the only American, while everyone else was a smorgasbord of Europeans. One day we were eating lunch and talking about various cuisines. A German gentleman talked about his favorite butcher and bratwursts and exclaimed, "Maybe we we can have a sausage party at my house this weekend!" While others nodded approvingly, I broke up laughing, having to explain to them what "sausage party" means in colloquial American English.

Gene Weingarten: I'm laffin. I've never actually heard the American colloquialism. I just think "sausage party," taken literally, sounds hilariously dorky.

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Alexandria, Va.: Gene,

I disagree with your earlier that Bush has balls. He and his henchmen talk a tough game, but their actions are those of cowards. Which, for instance, is the more ballsy course in a time of conflict: the expedient discard of the rule of law, or sticking to the country's core values?

I agree that he's an incurious, ignorant yet arrogant fool.

Gene Weingarten: He has balls. He just does what he wants, despite the fact that no one approves of what he is doing.

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All I want to do is dream :

I had a dream similar to the lawyer.

The dream was going on and suddenly, everything pulls back and I am in a theater watching the dream on a big screen.

I chalked it up to watching too many episodes of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000.

Gene Weingarten: Also great.

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How do you say "aptonym" in Hindi?: Very Serious -- I had to schedule and appointment with a colorectal surgeon last week.

Very Funny -- His name is Inder Bhat.

Gene Weingarten: WOW. That is as good as Dr. Harry Beaver, honest-to-God retired Virginia gynecologist.

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Annapolis, MD: 1. The wrong tack, vs the wrong tact. What the hell is the wrong tact?

2. I saw The Great Zucchini last weekend at a toy store. Serious cutey. And the pre-schoolers were choking with laughter.

3. Road repair, because I commute every day by car, and don't understand why the repairs take so long, and break down so quickly. I'd like to learn all about it, and if possible, improve the process.

Gene Weingarten: Well, it COULD be short for tactic.

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Misused Expressions: "I could care less" as opposed to the correct "I could'nt care less" bothers me.

Gene Weingarten: Yep. Awful. People are saying the opposite of what they mean to say. It's as bad as using infer for imply.

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Got another "thing" coming: Not "think." Though "another think coming" is pretty good in its own right.

Gene Weingarten: Uhhhhh, wrong, dude. The correct version is "think."

I'm loving this.

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Bush: He's probably just stunned that Musharraf suspended the Constitution all at once, instead of dismantling it piecemeal.

Gene Weingarten: He's probably admiring Musharraf, secretly. Wow. THAT dude has balls.

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1600 Pennsy: Worst President of All Time? That hardly does him justice. How about Worst American of All Time.

Sure his presidential power got us into this mess, but his total cluelessness, laziness, and arrogance turned that presidential power into caca.

Gene Weingarten: There have been worse Americans. Timothy McVeigh sucked pretty hugely.

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Arlington, Va.: We wear dresses because it is easier to pee while squatting. This is not rocket science.

Gene Weingarten: Then why don't WE wear dresses?

Oh, the fly. Right.

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Winston Churchill: When asked how he could ally Britain with Josef Stalin (in raw numbers an even bigger killer than Hitler) Churchill replied, "If, tomorrow, Herr Hitler were to invade Hell, I should try to find something nice to say about the devil."

Yes, Musharraf is bad, but whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, we still need him.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not questioning that -- though I might point out that bin Laden happens to be in Pakistan -- I'm enraged that Bush has placed us in this position.

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Turning off Smart Quotes in Word 2007: Click the Microsoft Office Button , and then click Word Options.

Click Proofing, and then click AutoCorrect Options.

In the AutoCorrect dialog box, do the following:

Click the AutoFormat As You Type tab, and under Replace as you type, select or clear the "Straight quotes" with "smart quotes" check box.

Click the AutoFormat tab, and under Replace, select or clear the "Straight quotes" with "smart quotes" check box.

By the way, you can also avoid that altogether by composing questions in NotePad (or hell, even Excel), which are plain text.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Another rhyme: You can shake it in the sink

You can beat it on the wall,

but till you put it in your pants

the last drop won't fall

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Boynton Beach, Fla.: As for your dribbling down the pants or legs, why can't you guys dab that thing with toilet paper when you're done? Is that the equivalent of asking for directions or something?

Gene Weingarten: 1. There is NEVER any toilet paper near urinals. Ever ever.

2. It wouldn't matter. The male urethra is long. Drainage is imprecise. We apologize.

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Rockville, Md.: Gene, you were absolutely right on this one:

Gene: I don't buy it because skirts and dresses began as floor-length things, exposing nothing but an ankle, if that. Men's outfits -- leggings and such -- exposed more. No?

I never thought any use would come of my college course "16th - 18th Century Feminism and Gender Roles in Latin America" (taught in Spanish), but indeed this was a major component.

Women who wore men's clothing to accentuate sexuality were at once reviled as monsters for transgressing religious and patriarchal boundaries and simultaneously desirable to other women as a symbol of (to some extent) lesbianism and upheaval of male-controlled society.

Gene Weingarten: Coool.

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Anonymous: "This is really starting to effect our... relationship. On the other hand, though, I would feel extremely uncomfortable with her in the room."

????

It's a dog, not your mother.

Gene Weingarten: Some people feel this way. Personally, I don't care what Murphy sees.

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Gene Weingarten: So long as she doesn't try to join in.

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Misus,ED: "For all intensive purpose" drives me nuts...

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Cliche: Wouldn't the World's Worst Procrastinator be one of the most punctual persons on the planet?

Gene Weingarten: Yes!

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Skirting the issue: I was fascinated to read, in Pat Barker's fantastic and depressing WWI trilogy, that up through the early years of the 20th century, women in the lower classes could take advantage of their long skirts to straddle the gutter and pee in the street if there was no loo available nearby. Who knew?

Gene Weingarten: Ladies, if you are standing in such a situation, might you not soil the skirt?

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Alexandria, Va.: Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Unfortunately, in Pakistan, Bush has embraced both his principles (anti-terrorism) and his mistress (Musharraf).

Gene Weingarten: That is one world-class retort.

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Golden Arches: Dear Mr. Weingarten,

We note that in one of your recent online discussions you used the phrase "I'm loving this," .

Your phrase could easily be mistaken for the phrase, "I'm lovin' it," which is a trademark of McDonald's Corporation. This confusion could lead to serious diminution of McDonald's corporate image, which would be cause for our seeking appropriate legal relief from you, your tattoo chick, and washingtonpost.com.

We advise you to choose your phrases more carefully in the future, unless you wish our next communication to be a court summons.

Sincerely,

Grimace McTort

McDonald's Legal Counsel

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. Berkeley Breathed, during the early days of Bloom County, got a similar letter from Burger King, asking him to, in the future, refer to their patented product not as a Whopper, but as a "Whopper Sandwich."

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Boynton Beach, Fla.: Really, Gene. Why don't you men just dab that thing with toilet paper rather than having urine-soaked pants all the time? It probably would take only a square of tp.

Gene Weingarten: Because we are men.

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The Empress of The Style Invitational: If shaking really doesn't do the trick -- any more, it seems, than jiggling one's torso does for women -- why on earth don't men use the solution that women do, rather than end up with urine on their legs or in their pants? It's a fairly low-tech solution called toilet paper. Put it in the wastebasket afterward if you're at a urinal; it'll have just a couple of drops on it.

Or do they need to come up with a special macho ManWipes product?

Gene Weingarten: Repeat: Because we are men.

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Cloverly, Md.: What do you make of this? I would imagine you'd be pretty skeptical. You think hoax? or just a case where the power of suggestion leads kids to feel like they've got something wrong with them.

Weird

Gene Weingarten: I have heard of this before. It's basically hysterical hypochondria. I'd wager $100 that's what's happening.

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Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada: Don't say I never gave you nuthin':

Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada: When photos are deleted from a digital camera, can they be recovered if they haven't been overwritten with new photos? I am asking out of curiosity in connection with something discussed in this week's Weingarten chat (a woman caught a guy taking "upskirt" photos in the Metro and he started deleting them).

Rob Pegoraro: I read that part of the Weingarten chat as well -- what a creep.

Deleted photos are like any other kind of deleted file: If you haven't overwritten them with other data, you can still recover them with the right software, such as PhotoRec.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Expressions: We were playing one of those board games where you give clues and the person tries to guess an expression. My husband was getting increasingly indignant as he said "THE STRAIGHTENED ARROW!" over and over instead of the "straight and narrow." Apparently, he'd thought that was the expression all his life. I can't get too smug though because I am infamous for mishearing song lyrics.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaha.

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Using "flaunt" when you mean "flout"...: Hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Gene Weingarten: Yep.

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Arlington, Va.: From Slate: "The rate of Jewish 'outbreeding' -- procreating with non-Jews -- is half a percent. That's the lowest rate of any population in the world today."

Talk about a country club we gentiles can't get into.

Gene Weingarten: I don't believe this figure, at least in the United States. It doesn't jibe with my experiences and observations.

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Anonymous: A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.

Bob Dylan

Gene Weingarten: I would say that this man is indeed a success for that one day. But there is a day after tomorrow, too.

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Cani, NE: This question is for both you and Molly, as well as the dog-loving chatters.

I am very interested in getting a dog. Ideally, I would like to adopt a dog from a shelter. I've noticed when I look at the descriptions, they all seem be "not good around children under 10." I don't have children, but I have a three-year-old nephew that I see quite a lot and I want a dog that he can enjoy. He's been great with other dogs he's met; his parents and grandparents have taught him how to behave and he knows not to rush at them, pull their tails, etc. So the question is this: do shelters really -know- a dog isn't good around children younger than 10, or are they guessing and giving themselves the widest latitude?

Thanks!

Gene Weingarten: You need to go to the shelter and, if there is a dog that interests you, talk to the shelter people, who tend to be helpful and honest. They don't want people bringing dogs back, so they look for good matches.

In your case, I would advise getting a young puppy, and having him meet your nephew soon. You can teach any dog to be good with children.

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Washington, D.C.: A friend of a relative used to have a cat who would ride the man's buttocks during marital activity conducted in the missionary position. I don't know this is true firsthand (how would I?) but I trust the relative who told me.

Gene Weingarten: I am basically a 14 year old boy. This made me laugh.

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Land of Dancing, Careers: I want to be able to teach salsa dancing all day.... that is one that you missed.

Gene Weingarten: I don't know how I didn't think of that one.

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Philly: This chat is so classy. Pearls before breakfast, and urine-soaked pants before lunch.

I don't know what I'd do without it.

Gene Weingarten: Not soaked. Just slightly moist.

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You and Women: Despite really like your chat, I have always found your professed "love" of all women to be very grating. I am a woman. And today you said something that finally made it clear why:

"I have no idea how women learn to walk gracefully in high heels. It is just another of those mysteries that makes me worship them."

It is so essentialist! "Women" are all the same, all stereotypical in this view. I just hope you are being disingenuous.

I can't walk in heels. Does this make me not a woman? Do you only admire women who fit into the box of what you think women are?

Let's face it - some women are jerks, some men are jerks - he you probably think I'm a jerk right about now. Why can't we just be people?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, ma'am. Very good ma'am.

I would make a time of the month joke here, but I shall restrain myself for reasons of decorum.

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Female parts: Last week I had to call my husband. I couldn't think of the nickname that was a synonym of "to grab." He said it without even a second to think. I'm both proud and ashamed!

Gene Weingarten: Ooooh, oooh. Liz, can you find and link to a youtube thing? I will tell you what to look for in our private communication.

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Richmond, Va.: I almost never have a problem with pee drip, unless I've been drinking. You don't simply shake - you squeeze from base to head while shaking. Think toothpaste tube.

Gene Weingarten: Why don't you just WRING IT OUT?

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Bethesda, Md.:

Seriously, please address this!! I know it's not funny, but it is topical, and it's just such inflammatory language; and you of all people know words count, right?

You'll probably hear this from multiple posters today, but the term, "full time parent," used in your poll today, always rankles. Every parent is a full time parent. Yes, yes, I understand that you were merely trying to include stay-at-home-non-outside-the-home-income-generating- parent as a career option for those doing it, but the term "full time parent," isn't the phrase we should be using to simplify the clumsiness.

Spending a handful of hours away from your progeny each week to earn a living does not make you a part-time parent. Don't you agree?

Gene Weingarten: Okay. I would have assumed this to be obvious. But ...

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washingtonpost.com: Video: 'If You Know What I Mean' Olympics

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Dylan quote: That's a bunch of crap. Ted Bundy wanted to kill college coeds. If you can do what you want and be a productive member of society (or at least not a destructive member), you may have some modicum of success--for that day.

Gene Weingarten: It's the "for that day" that's important.

Okay, what Liz posted is one of the greatest moments in TV history, involving that word the previous poster mentioned without mentioning.

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Rockville, Md.: A friend once told me that she was teaching her two little boys to use toilet paper to get those last few drops. My response was - "My God - stop that. Do you WANT them to get beat up in elementary school?" I am female by the way. This problem is a good reason for not going commando.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly. It is why men wear undies.

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Word thing: I got up to 49, never went below 44 for about 20 minutes.

Gene Weingarten: That's really good. Anything above 44 or so demonstrates a pretty major vocabulary. Hey, Pat, if you are out there, you ought to take it. We can compete.

Pat and I are very competitive. This may take all of our waking hours this next week.

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Baltimore, Md.: Re: Pakistan.

It is catastrophically silly to believe that ANY U.S. President could have any real influence over what happens in Pakistan

Gene Weingarten: Please.

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Shelter dogs/younger kids: Gene is right. You need to talk to to eh shelter/rescue league folks and find out if its a dog that is aggressive towards children, or a type of dog (typically small ones - chihuahuas, dashchunds, min pins) that shouldn't be around small children b/c the children are too rough with the dog.

Gene Weingarten: Good point.

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Arlington, Va.: I am told by a reliable source that Procter Gamble R&D created, but then canned, a product for males to tidy up after a whiz. It was to be called Dap.

Gene Weingarten: Men would NEVER go for this. The Manzier would have a greater chance of success. (I always thought the bro was a better name for it.)

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Expressions: This chat reminds me of one of the few times I laughed out loud while watching "Friends".

In a debate Joey said "It's a moo point"

Everyone looked at him like he was an idiot so he said, "You know, like a cows opinion. It just doesn't matter."

Thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Excellent line!

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Emily Post: Gentlemen, all matter of cleanliness aside, if you shake it more than three times, you are playing with it.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaha.

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Ladies Dresses: In the eighteenth century and earlier women never wore underwear. At the French court (and others I would assume) the ladies in those large, beautiful gowns would just stop where they were and pee.

Gene Weingarten: I know the first part. I'm not sure I buy the second part.

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Pat the Perfect, ME: I love how, throughout the "Whose Line" clip, the "abc FAMILY" bug persisted conspicuously.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaahaha. I hadn't noticed.

We leave on this note. Thank you all. This was a pretty dirty chat. I mean SPIRITED, not dirty.

See youse in the updates.

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washingtonpost.com: Gene's Tony Robbins/Donald Trump column.

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UPDATED 11.7.07

Gene Weingarten: This is from a friend of mine --

For the couple who wants privacy when boinking but has the howling dog problem: My dog used to do the same thing when she was a pup. The key, with her, was to put her in her crate, in the room. She's quiet. Then i cover her crate with blankets so she can't see -- i mean, one does have to protect the innocent, and also having a dog watch is just weird. But i've found that, kind of like a bird, if she's covered with blankets she just goes to sleep and doesn't make a peep. Once or twice she's let out a really long, weary sigh, which is kind of funny, but that's about it. So the couple might want to try that, too.

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Gene Weingarten: And on the subject of PMS, this excellent link from Molly Strzelecki.

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Spousal, KN: Gene-

Don't take this the wrong way, but your ignorance the other week about who your wife currently answers to as the top of her Dept's Chain of Command (mistakenly thought to be Alberto G.) made me wonder the following: Do you and your wife have a relationship that for the most part eliminates conversation about your respective jobs and daily life outside of the home (namely, you both feel such talk is trivial and unimportant to you both in everyday conversation) or is it possible that she tells you these things and as a doting husband, they go in one ear and out the other? My money's on option no. 2 but I would love to better understand how you and the rib truly interact. (I know in my case my wifey would say my ingorance was due to situation no. 2). Thanks for providing any clarification possible.

Gene Weingarten: My wife works for the Homeland Security section at the Justice Department. She has top security clearance, and there are certain aspects of her job she cannot and does not discuss with me. I am her husband, but also "the media."

That said, she does not regularly meet with or even see the Attorney General, so the name of her boss's boss's boss' boss seldom comes up in any discussion of her work.

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Boynton Beach, Fla.: Your comment that Bush should not be tried for war crimes because he is incompetent rather than evil is not valid, I think. Incompetence could be a mitigating factor (like a bad childhood can be for a serial killer), but the fact is many, many people have died because of his actions.

Gene Weingarten: And many people died because of Abraham Lincoln's actions.

Intent matters. George Bush did not set out to further destabilize the world. That's what happened because of his incompetent prosecution of foreign policy that was, in theiry, nobly intended. He is not a war criminal. He is a disastrously incompetent president.

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Dog Screensaver: Download the screensaver here.

Gene Weingarten: This didn't work for me -- a problem with Vista possibly. But perhaps it will work for you.

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Government Cens, OR: This has to be one of the dumbest uses of police power that I've ever heard of.

Yes, the woman has a potty mouth (hahaha), but really people -- get a life!

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. She was charged with cursing IN HER OWN HOME.

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Anonymous: "A coyote is an ASIAN woman so ugly that, when you wake up the next morning, you want to gnaw your arm off, like a trapped coyote, to get away."

I added just one word to your cute little exchange about what precautions need to be taken in order to be able to stomach sleeping with an ugly woman. Are you offended now that it has racist overtones? How is sexism not as offensive as racism? You're no looker. does your wife use bags when dealing with you? Or does she just like you because she likes the person you are and not care what you look like?

Gene Weingarten: Good point. Sexism isn't quite as offensive as racism, because females aren't a minority, but it's plenty offensive anyway. But I don't see why you are taking offense. We are discussing this in the context of stupid things stupid men say. I called it disgusting.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, okay. For those who didn't understand Tom the Butcher's trigger finger on my column, "backwards cowgirl," or "reverse cowgirl" describe a somewhat adventurous sexual position.

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UPDATED 11.8.07

Charlottesville, Va.: Hey Gene,

Just thought I'd send in this gem of a headline: Booty tosses 2 TDs in Trojans' romp against Beavers

Gene Weingarten: Indeed. Not to mention this fabulous quote from the winning coach: "We came after them early and just kept coming. A lot of guys contributed to that happening."

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Fairfax, Va.: To the person who would like to be a librarian so they can be around books all day: Trust me, you don't want to be a librarian if you think that you will ever get to sit and read. If you are a public librarian, much of your time will involve managing computer signups, ordering books, answering the same questions five times a day, handling the homeless, trying to keep the teenagers from fighting and the toddlers from falling off tables while their parents are on the computer. And, occasionally you get to clean up human feces in the middle of the mystery section. If you are an academic librarian, you get to attend lots of mindless committee meetings, teach 18-year-olds that Google is not an appropriate research source, explain to an ESL student that their professor's use of "good buns" in a psychology syllabus has nothing to do with baking, deal with men masturbating at the public access computers, and answer the same questions about the same homework assignments 40 times a day.

Who me, bitter?

Gene Weingarten: Wow.

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Cambridge, Mass.: Gene,

The "half-percent" outmarriage statistic made no sense to me either, at least in the United States (and I'd bet in most regions now outside of Israel). I think the outmarriage percentage for Jews in the U.S. is more like 50 percent: The End of the Chain (Jewish Media Resources)

"The 1990 National Jewish Population Study determined that the intermarriage rate in America has reached 52%, and the results of the soon to be released 2000 study are expected to be even worse. A 50% intermarriage rate means that for every marriage between two Jews there are two intermarriages.

As a consequence, intermarried households are soon to be the norm for the American Jewish community. Already there are at least 70,000 more children under 12 being raised in homes with one Jewish parent than with two Jewish parents."

I have no idea where Saletan got that statistic from--and having a significant knowledge of India, where endogamous marriage within very small caste groupings is the norm, I also doubt his assertion that Jews have the lowest rate of outmarriage of any population in the world today. A good proportion of the world's Jews live in America, and with a 50 percent outmarriage rate then there's very little chance of that assertion being true.

Gene Weingarten: It's a ludicrous number on its face, and I bet he will be correcting himself forthwith.

In my immediate circle of friends and relatives, here are persons involved in Jew-nonJew marriages:

Me.

My cousin Margaret.

My counsin Jane.

Tom the Butcher.

Pat the Perfect.

Grumpy, one of the three copy editors at the Magazine.

Officer Obie, the second of the three copy editors at the Magazine.

Spike, the THIRD of the three copy editors at the Magazine.

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Re: drip drip: Richmond, Va.: I almost never have a problem with pee drip, unless I've been drinking. You don't simply shake - you squeeze from base to head while shaking. Think toothpaste tube.

Gene Weingarten: Why don't you just WRING IT OUT?

Your. Funniest. Line. Ever. I spewed leftover Halloween Reese's cups all over my work monitor. ...ew

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. It was half stolen, though, from a punchline of an excellent joke. You may hear more about this joke soon.

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Washington, D.C.: Wait -- really?? Men really have drops of urine running down their legs all the time? I had NO idea. Amazing, both that guys are okay with it and that I had no idea that it actually happened. I'm definitely making my boyfriend do more laundry.

Gene Weingarten: It's, like, a drop or two. Not a pee hemorrhage.

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Misused expressions: "The proof is in the pudding." No, people. It's "the proof OF the pudding IS IN THE EATING."

Gene Weingarten: Damn right.

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Greensboro, N.C.: Gene - you're done for this week, but please address again next week the mis-stated cliches - most people say "spitting image," as in 'he is the spitting image of his dad.' I think it is the "spit and image." What say you? Also, there is supposebly, which some say for supposedly.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, it is "spit and image," and no one gets that right. It means, I believe, that it not only has the looks but the essence of the thing it is being compared to.

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Misused Cliches: It's so misused, I guess it's probably a cliche for me to be annoyed by it, but...

It's a DESERTED island. I mean, I don't suppose there's anything to actually prohibit it from -- also -- being severly lacking in rainfall, but if you are talking about being stranded somewhere far from other people, you are talking about a DESERTED island.

Gene Weingarten: Ooooh, good one. I never thought about that. I believe I myself have referred to a desert island.

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Donkey Hotey: When I was a little girl I heard of this book called Donkey Hotey. It was about a guy who dressed up like a knight and his buddy who rode around on horses and chased windmills. I never could figure our where the donkey came in.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

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UPDATED 11.9.07

New York: Let's say the tsunami hits and you, your wife, your child are in dire danger. You can only save one of them. Which one do you think most people would end up choosing?

Gene Weingarten: I think all people should choose their child, and I think most people would.

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1-20-2009: For a different reason, but equally well timed, Keith Olbermann is on your side about Bush, too:

Gene Weingarten: Wow. Very strong language. And he's on the previous poster's side about criminality, too.

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Re: Sausage Party: A sausage party is a party in which there are too many males and too few females. My roommates and I refer to the opposite of a sausage party as being a clambake.

Gene Weingarten: Those are both fabulous terms.

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50 footer: Also known in some circles as a "Monet," where if you look at it from a distance, it looks like a nice painting, but then you get up close and see the brushstrokes and globs of paint.

Gene Weingarten: I like a Monet much better than a 50 footer. It gives the illusion of class to a classless term.

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Bush's balls: I have a raging conservative friend who maintains that while Bush is an idiot and maybe not a very good president, his "Wild Cowboy" reputation helps national security. His tendency to do what he thinks is "right" and comfort with eschewing diplomacy scares our enemies, because they think he will just bomb the hell out of their country without discussion or putting it up to a vote. I don't agree with my friend, but I thought I should put The Other Voice out there.

Side note: I read that right before/after deciding to invade Iraq, Bush went into the Rose Garden to pray/reflect/ask for Divine Guidance. I would love to have been privy to the actual thoughts going through his mind at that moment.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. Musharraf certainly seems to have a fear of Bush, doesn't he? As does Hezbollah. Everybody's running scared of the lil' cowboy, aren't they?

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Mount Ai, RY: You wrote, "I am talking about the fact that a stickshift car always brakes while in neutral, with the engine disengaged from the wheels. So the brakes are not fighting the engine."

Please explain. What in the world are you talking about? Surely you cannot mean that you shift into neutral when applying the brakes to come to a stop or slow down. What am I missing here?

Gene Weingarten: Yes. When driving a stickshift, as you brake you disengage the clutch. The brakes are never fighting the engine.

You could of course replicate this in an automatic transmission car by throwing it into neutral every time you stop, but people won't do that for the same reason they won't buy a stick shift. Too much hassle.

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Bethel, Alaska: The embrace your principles or your mistress line wasn't Disraeli to Gladstone (especially because Gladstone, despite his nocturnal prostitute-hectoring walks around London, was otherwise a model of marital rectitude). It was John Wilkes to some lord.

The best Disraeli to Gladstone (or about Gladstone) line is

If Mr. Gladstone were to fall into the Thames, that would be a misfortune, and if someone were to fish him out, that would be a calamity.

Gene McCarthy also had a good line about the choice between Johnson and Nixon being like the choice between vulgarity and obscenity.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Charlottesville, Va.: My dear sister (hi!) thought that the lyrics were:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I can see the bald octopus went away

Yep. I love her.

Gene Weingarten: Misheard lyrics are not always the listener's fault. Some rockers enunciate unbulievably poorly, such as Steve Tyler of Aerosmith. How long did it take you to understand the hook of "Dream On"? I spent months on it and finally gave up. I heard:

Sing, women!

Sing for Mejia.

Sing for the left and sing for Latea.

Sing, women!

Just for the death,

Never tomorrow!

The Golem with take you away.

Here' Dio and Malmstein singing a cover of it, comprehensibly.

washingtonpost.com: I'm sorry. I can't hold my tongue. There is nothing good about Ronnie James Dio, including his enunciation skills. Ptui. I spit on Ronnie James Dio.

And those Aerosmith lyrics -- as sung by Steven Tyler -- are crystal clear. You need to clean out your ears.

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Chafing at the bit: Are you absolutely sure that "champing" is "original" and "chafing" is not? I haven't been able to find any historical citations for either, just somewhat breezy discussions of their meaning, but "chafing at" is apparently so well established that there are dictionary entries for it in other contexts. My theory is that the two expressions grew up side-by-side. (Is it so hard to believe that centuries of horse-centered transportation for the privileged classes would witness the evolution of multiple metaphors involving the bit, when we have "in the driver's seat," "riding shotgun," "backseat driver" etc. in just a little over a century?) Chafing at the bit refers to impatience and frustration that might eventually result in revolt. Champing at the bit (trying to get the bit between the teeth) refers to eagerness that involves a readiness to bolt forward now. Chomping at the bit is just silly; a horse couldn't chomp on the bit unless it already has the bit between its teeth, in which case it's in control, not frustrated or exhibiting barely restrained eagerness.

Gene Weingarten: Here's why it's champing: The expression means rarin' to go! That only works with "champing." If you are chafing at the bit, it is hurting and irritating you. You are not rarin' to go.

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Kansas City, Mo.: Regarding misused expressions, such as "intensive purpose", "jive with", "chomping at the bit", "straightened arrow", and so on, there is a name for these: eggcorns. The term was coined by the blog Langauge Log. They've been keeping a database of them, up to nearly 600 eggcorns including all those mentioned in the chat, all with citations.

Gene Weingarten: Some of these are fabulously stupid, like "chickens come home to roast" and "a doggy-dog world."

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washingtonpost.com: Get with next week's chizzat.

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