Chatological Humor: Misheard Lyrics; Is a Kiss Just a Kiss?

aka Tuesdays With Moron

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I've received a number of emails complaining about my Sunday column. These were from people who were at the standup contest and feel I was unfair to Senator Specter. Some pointed out that he got great audience reaction (he did, and audience reaction was part of the judging category, which is why he took second place), but others didn't see where he blew any of the jokes.

Okay. Well. Fortunately, I happen to have right here a video of the good senator's 10-minute shtick. Feel free to listen to all of it, but for your convenience, the massively botched Dan Quayle joke begins around 4:45, and the pathetically botched wheelchair joke begins at 8:00. I will applaud the first person who can explain how the senator butchered either, or both.

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I also received beaucoup e-mails - surprisingly, from both women AND men ¿- grousing about my pronouncement that a French kiss, and a French kiss alone, is not infidelity. I was going to ignore this situation because I have already articulately defended this position -¿ both in this chat and in several public appearances with Gina Barreca, promoting our book. But matters came to a head yesterday when I received an e-mail from a young woman who is a close friend of mine.

She'd had a bad dream the night before. In it, she was at a party and walked into a room to find her boyfriend in major-league liplock with an attractive coworker of his. When my friend expressed outrage, the two patiently explained to her that it was okay because Gene Weingarten SAID it was. So she stormed out of the room and found me (conveniently, I was also at the party) and complained. And I laughed at her and told her not to get her thong in a bunch, and she became so furious that she woke up.

So, I think a clarification is in order. Not a retraction, or an apologia, but a further elaboration so there is no misunderstanding. What follows will be quoted by romantic scholars for generations to come, so listen up. You might want to print it and put it in a treasured place in your home, perhaps next to the family Bible:

A romantic kiss is an intimate conversation between two people. Through your actions, you are telling the other person how you feel about him or her. It is a two-way conversation. This is not a multiple choice test, it is an essay. Now, what you are trying to convey might be "Let's disappear into a room and take our clothes off at the earliest possible moment," which constitutes infidelity, or it might be, "mmmuh, whuzzz mf," which constitutes drunkenness, OR it might be, "I really like you, in a romantic way. Wouldn't it be sweet if we were free to pursue this? But we are not, and that's okay, but now we both know. Life is complex, and it is good."

Do you see what I am saying? We don't need to live our lives as prisoners; that's not what love and commitment mean. Time goes by, and as it does, a kiss is just a kiss, sometimes. It can be sweet, without being a precursor to anything or a sign of trouble. Relax, people.

Really. Relax.

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Your votes on the poll are here in huge numbers, and I am going to break precedent by discussing them right here and now, because I want feedback through the chat. (If you haven't taken the poll, you might want to skip the next few paragraphs, and renew again after the -- mark.)

There are many questions awaiting me about these lyrics, and I'll be answering them, but I'd like to put a snarky question to the majority of you now, regarding your general consensus that the lyrics to "Dream On" are reasonably clear.

Uncharacteristically, I am on no high horse here. I have always been more confused than most people about rock lyrics, having misheard many things that others found perfectly comprehensible. Perhaps the best example, and a humiliating one, is the following one hundred percent true fact: Until I had occasion to look it up ONE WEEK AGO, I thought that in "Light My Fire," Jim Morrison was singing to a woman named "Chyna." ("Chyna, we can only lose..." "Chyna, set the night on FYE-uhhh!"

Okay, so I claim no position of authority. And I acknowledge that there is an expectation of fuzziness in the delivery of rock: part of the joy is the abandon with which songs are delivered. But I need to know how ANY of you can listen to the lyrics to the refrain of "Dream On" and get what it is saying.

It took me quite some time to transcribe this, going back from song to screen, but this is EXACTLY what Steven Tyler is singing. This is not what I happen to hear, this is an objective syllable-by-syllable translation:

Sing WIH-meh

Sing for muh YEE-eh

Sing for the LEFT an'

Sing for the TEE-uh.

Sing WIH-meh

AY-ofjus for to-DEH-eh

Meh-beh tomorrow

The goo'law will take you eh-wehhhhhhhhh¿

Now, I acknowledge that you can certainly intuit the lyrics in the last three lines, but I cannot understand how anyone can opine (as a third of you have) that 100 percent of the rest is "completely" understandable. Explain. (And by the way, there IS no "women," as so many of you heard, so you CAN'T be hearing a hundred percent)

The true lyrics:

Sing with me, sing for the years

Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.

Sing with me, if it's just for today

Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away.

See, I have a much easier time with the lyrics to "Subterannean Homesick Blues", though I do hear Bedbug.

The full lyrics:

Maggie comes fleet foot

Face full of black soot

Talkin' that the heat put

Plants in the bed but

The phone's tapped anyway

Maggie says that many say

They must bust in early May

Orders from the D. A.

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I hope all of you have seen this astonishingly disgusting link from, of course, West Virginia. The best part, of course, is the name of the bar.

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The CPOW is Sunday's Dilbert. A very worthy runner-up is Saturday's Speed Bump. Honorables: Monday's Nonseq, Friday's Brevity.

Okay, let's go.

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Wheelchair joke: If he doesn't have arms or legs he's a quadraplegic, not a paraplegic.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly. That's the first botch. It is not a surprise that a paraplegic can ring the doorbell. He has his arms.

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Raleigh, N.C.: Wow, I was surprised at the John Prine one how many people couldn't understand it. I do know the song, but I didn't hear "salad" at all, but then again I'm a southerner and we tend to say "silence" kinda like "sahlence." Also the best song of all of those, I think.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, Prine is singing "Full-blown silence in an empty room...." which, back when it firstt came out, it took me more than two dozen replays to get. Molly and I heard "four blown salads," so we knew the song was about vomiting, but what was unclear to us was why there would be FOUR blown salads, when we are talking only about two people: a former bride and a former groom. We figured they must have reordered and barfed that too, meaning this was seriously bad salad. We figured it must have been a song about salmonella.

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Just a Kiss?: Please explain how this would be different if it were copulation and not a french-kiss.

"A romantic kiss is an intimate conversation between two people. Through your actions, you are telling the other person how you feel about him or her. It is a two-way conversation. This is not a multiple choice test, it is an essay. Now, what you are trying to convey might be "Let's disappear into a room and take our clothes off at the earliest possible moment," which constitutes infidelity, or it might be, "mmmuh, whuzzz mf," which constitutes drunkenness, OR it might be, "I really like you, in a romantic way. Wouldn't it be sweet if we were free to pursue this? But we are not, and that's okay, but now we both know. Life is complex, and it is good.""

Gene Weingarten: Because it is a whole other universe of intimacy!

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washingtonpost.com: In the spirit of full disclosure, I'd like to report that a certain someone is participating in today's chat clad only in a bathrobe. The horror.

washingtonpost.com: In the spirit of full disclosure, I'd like to report that a certain someone is participating in today's chat clad only in a bathrobe. The horror.

It's not me, so that leaves Gene, Jef Mallett, The Empress, Stephan Pastis or some random dude in Herndon.

Gene Weingarten: Jeans and a bathrobe.

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New York, N.Y.: How would Arlen's version of "the Aristocrats" go?

Gene Weingarten: It would make reference to Thomas E. Dewey and Adlai Stevenson.

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Washington, D.C.: Are comprehensible lyrics all that important to the enjoyment of a song? It seems to me that the sound of the words are much more important than their actual meaning. Back in the day there was a German song called "Der Kommissar" that rocked. Then the English version came out which, to my ear, was vastly inferior. Same deal with "99 Luftballons."

Gene Weingarten: I was waiting for someone to mention this.

I mostly agree: It's the sound of the words. And translations tend to suck. A friend recently reminded me of an excellent quote, often attributed to "a sage" or "someone" that reading poetry in translation "is like kissing a woman through a veil."

But the question here becomes: Does the dreadful enunciation HELP the flow of the words, or hurt it? I would argue in almost all cases, it introduces a stoppage: a "Huh?" which does nothing for the song. The sole exception here, probably, is Subterranean Homesick Blues, which was sung in proto-rap, a deliberate mishmash with intent to confuse.

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Jeff City, Mo.: Nothing terribly topical but guess who has a birthday today?

RFK.

Eeerily spooky how one assasin's bullet most likely changed history for the last 40 years. No Nixon and no Ford at the very least. I'm also guessing no Reagan which means no Bush I or II.

Someone that Liz might be familiar with, Kevin Gilbert, would have turned 41 today except that he accidentally killed himself in 1996. Gene might be interested in that angle: autoerotic asphyxiation.

Gene Weingarten: Kevin Gilbert?

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Rockville, Md.: "pathetically botched wheelchair joke begins at 8:00. I will applaud the first person who can explain how the senator butchered either, or both."

He said it was a parapalegic who had no arms.

Quayle - wasn't it tomato and not potato.

Gene Weingarten: You're right about the first, but it was potato, with Quayle.

The Quayle botch is complicated.

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Chapel Hill, N.C.: Dan Qualye didn't misspell POTATO, he misspelled POTATO(E)S

Gene Weingarten: Nope, it was potato. This is a much more profound botch. It goes to the soul of the joke. You can see that as Specter is saying it, he knows he is misremembering. But he just bulls on.

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Why is the flag at half-mast?: Mr. Whipple died.

Gene Weingarten: NIce.

Mr. Whipple will stand forever as the embodiment of one of the appalling archetypes of American bureaucracy: The petty tyrant. A man with a small ambit of authority who must use it to feel important, chastising underlings for harmless behavior he and he alone has defined as improper, simply to give himself the illusion of power. I'm sure many GS-15s, level 6s -- and you know who they are -- are weeping today.

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Poll: The reason the folks taking the poll are wrong and Sir Paul is right is that we're mostly American, and he isn't. We say an American "R", and the English don't even come close. The English say it like "uh", and since the note the word occupies is a short note, you hear hardly any of it. So if I expect to hear what Paul says he wrote, that's what it sounds like to me.

You should do a poll (or research) to see if residents of Great Britain at the time the song came out heard it the same way Americans did.

And the guy is literate, so why wouldn't he have have written words that make sense, vs those that don't. It's not like they were improvising in the studio.

Gene Weingarten: Virtually every collection of Wings lyrics on the Web gives that line as "in which we live in." At one point (early, I think) Paul published the lyrics as "we're livin'," but this happened after initial ridicule of the song.

What you say about the American R is true. But what you say about Paul being a literate man is not that true. John was the wordly intellectual, and if you want proof you need go no further than the few words prior to the contested phrase. Do you think John would have written anything as trite, sappy and awkward as: "In this ever-charning world"? That's as bad as "don't amount to a hill o' beans in this crazy world," another awful line from a famous work of art.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, it's "IF" this ever changing world. Doesn't change anything. A crappy phrase, unworthy of a song.

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Silver Spring, MD: kissthisguy.com.

Lots of Web sites devoted to misheard lyrics, such as the one above that refers to a line in Hendrix's "Purple Haze".

As for the John Prine song, he should get a pass since this was his comeback album after throat surgery (cancer). It was the best album of the year (last year) in my opinion. He was even lauded by the former poet lauriet at the Library of Congress for the simple, yet effective poetry in his lyrics. He has a sweet, sentimental, and often funny delivery but almost always on the mark.

Gene Weingarten: Prine is one of the best living songwriters. Top five. His thick suthn accent makes some of his lyrics really difficult. One line that is often comically misheard is this one, from "That's The Way that the World Goes Round."

"That's the way that the world goes 'round,
You're up one day and the next you're down,
It's a half an inch of water and you think you're gonna drown,
That's the way that the world goes round.

That third line is a great analogy for the terror of life, no? But it's very hard to hear and in one of his live albums he does a riff on how it as been heard as "It's a happy enchilada, and you think you're gonna drown."

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byool, IN: "Wheelchair joke" said, "If he doesn't have arms or legs he's a quadraplegic, not a paraplegic."

If he doesn't have arms or legs, he's a torso.

(Which leads inevitably to the joke that ends, "He should have quit while he was a head.")

Gene Weingarten: Actually, that is the way the joke is supposed to be told. A man with no arms and no legs is at the door.

The question does remain, did he ring the bell with his tongue or his penis? Works either way as a joke.

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Quayle-ing, Ind.: NO, it WAS potato(e)s!

Gene Weingarten: I don't think so. He ADDED an e. To misspell potatoes, you'd have to delete the e.

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Harrisburg, Pa.: Let's start a movement to get rid of ties. They have been found to be carriers of germs and disease, because few men even think of ever washing them. Some hospitals are banning ties. Isn't it time we get rid of these totally useful garments that are potential carriers of all kinds of diseases (and I'm not even a hyochondriac.)

Gene Weingarten: Not many ties are worn at the Washington Post, I believe. At least not in the feature sections.

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Washington, D.C.: Why I am a GS-15 level 6. And I take umbrage at that remark. For a reason that will certainly become clear to me after I compose an appropriate vision statement and vet the metrics with my underlings.

Gene Weingarten: Understood.

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Ennunciation: Sometimes, lax ennunciation actually does help the song. Remember the old Saturday Night Live sketch with Dan Ackroyd leading the Young Caucasians, butchering Ray Charles' "What'd I say?" Aside from the nauseating perkiness, the over-enunciation was what destroyed the song, and therefore made it funny.

A few years ago, a contenstant on American Idol did the same thing; he over-enunciated the lyrics to the song "Hard to Handle," and completely butchered it in the process. Far worse because it wasn't intentional. The thing was, the guy was actually pretty good, but all those hard consonants sucked all the soul out of the song.

Gene Weingarten: The only 60s era rocker whose lack of enunciation was an effective tool -- that I know of -- was Joe Cocker.

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Charleston, S.C.: Gene -- Re: the poll. Here was my manner of answering this weeks pole. I would listen to song snippet then answer the first question. When you would ask if I heard a particular word, I usually couldn't remember so went back and listened again. Usually, I would hear the word because I was listening for it. Now, normally in my mishmash of interpretation, I could substitute another word or rhyming phrase which neither matches your preselected word or the actual lyric. But I'd vote that I'd heard your word since I did. Could this have skewed poll results? Also, in honor of Jim Morrison, I fling my virtual panties your way.

Gene Weingarten: Are you Chyna?

I'm sure you are right: I inserted words in people's minds.

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Chicago, Ill.: Who's Mr. Whipple? Is that the guy from the commercials who says, "Don't squeeze the Charmin?"

Gene Weingarten: Yes. He died yesterday.

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Lyrics: REO Speedwagon fooled me when I was a kid. I thought they sang, "Care bear in the window on a corndog winters night." Thankfully this chat is anon since I'm blushing as I write this.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

From "Groovin'" -- ... how happy we could be, you and me and Leslie....

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Specter on Quayle: Aside from his generally awful, stilted delivery, Specter blew the punch line on the Quayle joke. It should be something like, 'he never knew that "harass" was one word.' The way he worded it-- 'always thought "her ass" was two words'-- lets all the air out of it.

Gene Weingarten: True, but the sin was hugely greater than that. I will wait five more minutes, then explain.

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Dream on: As a Bostonian, it makes perfect sense to me that "yee-uh" would be "year" and "tee-uh" would be "tear," similar to the Raleigh John Prine fan's understanding the word "silence." So, how much do you think accents (or the listener's difficulty with them) affects the ability to understand song lyrics?

Gene Weingarten: Okay, but tee-uh would not be 'tears," and yee-uh would not be "years." In addition to being mush mouthed, he also drops the s's.

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Lookoutk, ID: For the benefit of casual readers, would you have the integrity to remind the chat audience that you believe "squat" and "what" are perfect rhymes?

Gene Weingarten: Correct. I still do.

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Punchline: ...and I call my bar, the Aristocrat.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly.

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Dog Walking Blues in Manassas: Our pug is very persnickety about where to go the bathroom, I try to get her to go in the common areas but alas, it is usually in someone's yard. I always try to keep her on the curb side in the area of grass between the sidewalk and the street. On our walk Sunday night right when she begins her dookie stance (on the curbside of the grass), a guy starts tapping on his door and shaking his finger at me in a no-no motion. Now what am I to do at that point? I had my plastic bag ready, let her finish, and picked it up. But really, don't people understand dogs. I'm glad the guy wasn't confrontational but now do I avoid that side of the street. He already had up his Christmas decorations for goodness sake but he certainly wasn't full of very good cheer in fact I think he was a jerk.

Gene Weingarten: I had a guy come out of his house and theatrically point to the ground and inform me, loudly, that I had not picked up everything from Murph. I went back. It was a rock.

And this wasn;t even his lawn, it was the common strip in front of his house.

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Having your cake...: wait a minute. I know you idolize Bob Dylan, but you can't have it both ways. He is intentionally slurring the words, AND he is easier to understand than Steven Tyler? That may be your personal opinion, but it's a bit of a stretch. I mean, I figured out the Prine lyric (the only other one I didn't already know) just by repeating it once; I doubt I could ever figure out the Dylan for sure without having it written down for me.

I'm not saying it's a bad song, but you are clearly in the minority when you claim it is not difficult to understand.

Gene Weingarten: No, no. Dylan is not slurring at ALL. He is singing them absurdly fast, to make you listen. His diction is quite excellent. Read the lyrics as you are listening. This is fair. It's just hard.

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Washington, D.C.: Poor enunciation is just a conspiracy by the all-powerful liner note industry.

Gene Weingarten: Ooh.

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Dylan vs. Tyler: How can you POSSIBLY think Dylan is more comprehensible than Tyler?? I strongly suspect this is just too many years of listening to Dylan, enabling you to interpret his incomprehensible ramblings (they're good, don't get me wrong, but they are entirely incomprehensible and hard to make any sense out of from the context alone). I've heard both songs probably a comparable number of times. The only words I could make out from Dylan were "Maggie," "bed, but" (but only because the poll tipped me off to listen for it), and "D.A." Tyler, the only words I MISSED were the "if it's" that precedes "just for the day" and the fact that "years" is plural. See, the thing about Aerosmith is you can figure out the words by context -- "tears" is pretty clear, so it makes sense that the preceding line is "laughter." Try doing that with Dylan and your head will split open.

BTW, my poll answer was wrong: I said I could only identify two of the words that followed "sing" -- in fact, I had all four. I thought you were talking about the word right next to ("with" and "for"), and not the entire phrase.

So when are you going to tell us what the douche really is??

Gene Weingarten: The douche is "duece," a car. He is just misprouncing it. It is "revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night."

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Dumbquesti, ON: I was surprised at the poll results for song no. 2, that most people aren't hearing "women". What do they think he's saying?

I guess I could understand "Sing with it", but I do not hear the fricative...

Gene Weingarten: He's NOT saying women. He is a total, ridiculous mushmouth. He is saying "Sing with me." And you are hearing no fricative because there is none.

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Towson, Md.: Re Manfred Mann's cover of Springsteen's "Blinded by the Light": the phrase is "revved up like a deuce another runner in the night."

I know it sounds like "wrapped up like a douche...", but that makes NO sense. BTW, your assertion that Springsteen rewrote the song with Mr. Mann is preposterous.

Gene Weingarten: So why does Mr. Mann CLEARLY prounounce "deuce" "douche"? Does he know no better?

I do not believe I have ever made such an assertion about Mann and Springstein. You are confusing your ignorant blowhards.

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Win, GS: I don't even think "ever-changing world in which we live in" is the worst of Wings-era Paul's crimes.

"Someone's knockin at the door,

someone's ringing the bell.

Do me a favor, open the door, and let 'em in."

Gene Weingarten: I see nothing wrong with that lyric.

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Raleigh, N.C.: I had one of those kisses, about 10 days ago. One of the "I really like you, in a romantic way. Wouldn't it be sweet if we were free to pursue this? But we are not, and that's okay, but now we both know. Life is complex, and it is good." It was sweet, and somewhat romantic, and when it ended, we both sighed, and he said "I'm a good person, and so are you." Then he lightly touched the tip of my nose, grinned, and we went to our separate homes, to our separate significant others. We've seen each other a few times since (we both work in a fairly tight-knit industry, and probably are at the same events 6 or 7 times a year). There aren't any uncomfortable feelings, there isn't any feeling of infidelity, there isn't any negativity. He's a wonderful man. And if both of us were unattached, yes, I would pursue it. But we aren't and he's still a wonderful human, and, like he said, we're both good people.

People need to relax.

Gene Weingarten: I an so glad you wrote in. I was feeling really alone out here.

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Botched expressions: From the "How to Deal" chat this morning:

"My problem is people assume that these administrative things are my job, and that I'm at their beacon call to solve their problems."

Gene Weingarten: Ha.

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The only 60s era rocker whose lack of enunciation was an effective tool -- that I know of -- was Joe Cocker. : What about the Kingsmen? If they had "properly" enunciated the words to "Louie, Louie" it would never have been such a hit.

Gene Weingarten: It has words?

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, I just got this sheepish note from Chatwoman:

"I always thought it was Leslie."


Hahahahaha.

You and me, endlessly....

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Lyric Geek: I am a hard-core lyric geek. If I like a song, I will figure out the lyrics no matter what -- I will listen to the song (or a section of the song) ad nauseum, I will poll other people, I will even visit those crazy lyrics sites that probably corrupt your computer forever with their spyware (I try to do that from work).

That said, I thought for the LONGEST time that Steven Tyler was singing something about women. Subterranean Homesick Blues, on the other hand, is understandable on the second listen.

Gene Weingarten: Clearly. All you dylan haters should read those lyrics as you hear em. There's no cheating. They are understandable, just fast. Not like Tyler at all.

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Quayle joke flaw: That's an old joke that originally pertained to Bob Packwood, not Quayle!

Gene Weingarten: YAYYYYYYY!

Yes, ask yourself this: Why is he telling a joke about Quayle being a womanizer? Quayle was never the subject of any such rumors!

It's because he misremembered the original joke: "Dan Quayle actually defeated both Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood in a spelling bee. He was the only one who knew that "harass" was one word."

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Noifsandsor, Buts: At what age does never having gone on a date before become a warning sign for future possible dates/partners?

Gene Weingarten: If you are a guy, it is 23 and two months. If you are a woman, it is 27 and four months. These numbers have risen dramatically in the last several years.

In 1972, it was 19 and six months, and 20 and seven months, respectively.

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Funny DA,YS: Which is the funnier day, April 1st or February 29th?

Gene Weingarten: February 29, for the same reason that "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." It is a made-up word, so it strains to be funny. The only humor assocaited with April 1 is that we ascribe humor to that day. Feb. 29 is naturally funny; it is the result of a mistake.

Odd grisly fact: My mother died on an April 1.

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Raleigh, N.C.: How is Springsteen an ignorant blowhard? I love Springsteen.

Gene Weingarten: The joke was that I am the ignorant blowhard.

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Sorry, Mr. W....: I have followed your chats for years now, and I -know- you would -not- tolerate "jokes" that are either culturally insensitive or insensitive to gender differences.

So, why it is okay to be insensitive to quadraplegics and paraplegics, especially -now,- since so many young men and women are returning that way home from Iraq...?

Gene Weingarten: See, that's where you are wrong. I would tolerate jokes that are culturally insensitive, and gender insensitive.

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Fairfax: Win, GS: I don't even think "ever-changing world in which we live in" is the worst of Wings-era Paul's crimes.

"Someone's knockin at the door,

someone's ringing the bell.

Do me a favor, open the door, and let 'em in."

Gene Weingarten: I see nothing wrong with that lyric.

No? But HOW did he ring the bell if he's a quadraplegic??

Gene Weingarten: Good point!

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British rockers: Did you ever notice how the English accent often doesn't come through when the person is singing? When I first started to listen to the radio as a young teen in the 70s, I had no idea for the longest time that Elton John was British. I knew the Beatles were, but their spoken English and their singing English were vastly different. Same goes for the Stones. And the list goes on.

Gene Weingarten: It's because everyone adopted the 1950s American rock accent, which was a modified southern hillbilly accent.

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Washington, D.C.: I don't know why, but I really like Taco Bell's 7-layer burrito. When I go to Taco Bell, I always get two 7-layer burritos and a drink.

As far as I've seen, Taco Bell doesn't have a 7-layer burrito combo meal. I wondered why.

I saw that they had a Burito Supreme combo meal (2 Burrito Supremes and a drink) for $4.09. Now, Burrito Supremes cost $1.99 each. If you buy the combo meal, then basically you get two Burrito Supremes and a drink for about a dime more than what two Burrito Supremes cost.

The 7-layer Burritos cost $1.89 each. (10 cents less than the Burrito Supreme.)

So, wouldn't it make sense to allow substitution of 7-layer Burritos for the Burrito Supremes in the combo meal? For me, $4.09 would still cost less than two 7-layer Burritos plus a drink. And for them, Taco Bell is giving me two burritos that cost less than the Burrito Supremes that are normally included in the combo meal.

But they won't let me.

This pisses me off.

What are your thoughts on this matter, Gene?

Gene Weingarten: Probably you need to firebomb one of their stores. I just see no other solution, really.

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Not a Dylan hater, but...: ...now you are telling people to listen to the sound bite while reading along. The original question was "do you understand what this singer is saying." If you need a transcript, IT'S NOT EASY TO UNDERSTAND!

Gene Weingarten: I didn't SAY it was easy to understand! I said it was HARD to understand. What I SAID was that Dylan is not cheating. His diction is excellent.

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washingtonpost.com: The Washington Post and washingtonpost.com do not endorse Gene Weingarten's suggestion to firebomb anything.

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I thank you....United Airlines Thanks you: Last friday, I was flying home from Honolulu HI (motto....the city where the Japaneses come to shoot guns)....I was taking a red eye home, and getting my last dinner. I was at a fish buffet...and thanks to last week's chat, I did not get Hawaiian Butter Fish (aka Walu). from what I read last week, it is not a good thing to eat before a flight....something about oily discharge and 12 hrs of air travel that does not go together.

Gene Weingarten: Well, glad to oblige. But you probably would have been okay, if only because the literature says portions under six ounces tend not to cause those uncomfortable results. Plane portions ae well under six ounces.

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Crofton, Md.: I missed last week's chat but hope this topic comes up again....

My long-time boyfriend left his wife and young children for me. Yes, he did. And while there are times when I feel guilty and think I'm going to burn in hell for this, most of the time I don't. He truly believes what he did is better for all parties than living a lie with his wife. Love should be honest, and he honestly was not in love with her (and as he said - he tried, and boy would it have been easier if he were!). I can tell you that he is a great dad, and I know from this and other experiences that every child I know whose parents divorced when they were very young are much better off than those whose parents divorced when they were teenagers or older.

My parents were married for 45 years, until my dad died. I presume they were happy, but I can truly say that if I thought for a minute either of them had lived a lie just so my siblings and I could have two married parents it would tear me up.

I wish everyone could grow up in a happy, two-parent household. I loved it. But sometimes it just isn't possible.

Gene Weingarten: I don't think you have to worry about your parents having lived a lie. They were married for 45 years.

I strongly believe in situational ethics in matters of the heart. All I am saying here is that your guy's decision was made knowing he was hurting someone else. That doesn't make it a wrong decision, but it's a fact.

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John Prine: Was the ONLY writer to use the word ONOMATOPOEIA in a song. The man's brilliant!

Gene Weingarten: John Prine also wrote the most depressing song ever written. I give him major props for that. I will take nominations for any song more depressing than "Sam Stone."

Sam Stone came home,
To his wife and family
After serving in the conflict overseas.
And the time that he served,
Had shattered all his nerves,
And left a little shrapnel in his knee.
But the morphine eased the pain,
And the grass grew round his brain,
And gave him all the confidence he lacked,
With a Purple Heart and a monkey on his back.

Chorus:
There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin' I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.
Mmm....

Sam Stone's welcome home
Didn't last too long.
He went to work when he'd spent his last dime
And Sammy took to stealing
When he got that empty feeling
For a hundred dollar habit without overtime.
And the gold rolled through his veins
Like a thousand railroad trains,
And eased his mind in the hours that he chose,
While the kids ran around wearin' other peoples' clothes...

Repeat Chorus:

Sam Stone was alone
When he popped his last balloon
Climbing walls while sitting in a chair
Well, he played his last request
While the room smelled just like death
With an overdose hovering in the air
But life had lost its fun
And there was nothing to be done
But trade his house that he bought on the G. I. Bill
For a flag draped casket on a local heroes' hill.

Repeat Chorus

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Kissing is NOT cheating!: My husband and I have defined cheating as being his or my genitals having contact with any part (hands, lips, genitals) of someone other than our spouse, or any part of us (hands, lips, genitals) having contact with the genitals of someone else. Lips on lips does not count as cheating - no contact with any genitals.

Gene Weingarten: You're both lawyers, right?

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Fairfax, Va.: You know, Jim Neighbors enunciated beautifully. I'm just saying.

Gene Weingarten: Point taken.

But so did Sinatra.

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Bethesda, Md.: That's it Mr. Weingarten, you have issued a challenge and now I am ready to roll the dice. I have the tree ready to be raised, the ornaments stacked in quick-draw fashion, the lights untangled, the star shined, and the little round rug that really serves no purpose since the tree is fake but that my wife insists we use anyway. Tonight I will strike, defiant as I put up our tree before Thanksgiving, my fist raised at the sky.

Gene Weingarten: Please ask your wife to notify us when the funeral is; I'm sure some of us will wish to attend.

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Fairfax, Va.: Hmmm, I always turn around when putting my bra on around my bubbie and never realized why... this is strange. I can't think of a good reason why I do this!?!?!

Gene Weingarten: I think the women chatters and I figured it out some time ago: It is that although your breasts are lovely things, the act of putting on bras is inherently clumsy and undignified, and you just don't want to look clumsy and undignified in front of your guy.

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For Raleigh and Gene: You could have conveyed that very same information without sticking your tongues in each other's mouths.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, you could have. But what is your point?

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Can't wait for Black Friday: Wednesday's update about wives and bras reminded me how Thanksgiving shopping may be another round of trying to get my mom into decent bras. She's still gorgeous, but she always gets the most unattractive, utilitarian pieces -- because they're just "underwear" and no one sees them. Frankly, I just think she does it, because my dad doesn't need any more encouragement. But I'd like to come home just one holiday, and find she's got something other than what a nun would wear. Oh, and I don't accidentally stumble into my dad's porn surfing history -- again. Is this typical of baby boomers? Should I be worried I could be on the same path? Please tell me there's hope.

Gene Weingarten: Is Dad porn-stumbling a common thing among you young-uns? This is the second time I have heard of this.

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New York, N.Y.: A while back, a sketch comedy group called the Vacant Lot did a sketch about "Blinded by the Light."

When they sing in chorus, the sound approaches the actual lyrics, I think.

Gene Weingarten: This is pretty good!

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Washington, D.C.: I'm late, just wanted to say that I've always thought the song was: "wahoooooooo railroads of thunder." But in fact, I've learned it's Werewolves of London.

Gene Weingarten: You know what's great? People who hear things like this seldom pause to think, wait, does that make any sense in context? And the reason is so many rock songs don't make a hell of a lot of sense.

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Anonymous: "Do you think John would have written anything as trite, sappy and awkward as: 'In this ever-charning world'?"

Of course not. Paul wrote a lot of silly love songs. But he sure has a way with a tune and a bass line...

Gene Weingarten: Agreed.

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Cubeville: Gene, This is the most boring chat you've had in a long time. Except for the part about kissing. Thanks to Raleigh for writing in. I WISH I could get a kiss like that from my "friend". I have to settle for hugs, and not many of those. Sigh.

Gene Weingarten: REally? I'm likin' this chat.

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Washington, D.C.: As a child, my mother would forbid me to listen to Elton John's song "Benny and the Jets" because he sang about her electric boobs.

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Washington, D.C.: There is not even a question in the peanut butter debate. Chunky blows creamy away. The texture differences are key, Gene! Eating creamy peanut butter is as boring as listening to... to... something really boring.

Gene Weingarten: Like this post?

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Poll Equality: Wow! A poll that isn't going to provide any separate answers based on sex or age...there hasn't been one of these for a long time, I think.

Are you going to identify the songs when you provide your wise analysis? I recognize all but one of them.

Gene Weingarten: The one you don't recognize is "New Train," by John Prine. (No, it is not Jimmy Buffett.)

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Takingmyownc AR: Did this week's Date Lab make it clear to you why women want to meet a first date at the planned setting for the date? Stalker alert! Whoop whoop whoop!

washingtonpost.com: Date Lab, (Nov. 18)

Gene Weingarten: This was incredibly painful to read. I hope she never hears from him again.

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Capitol Hill, Washington, D.C.: Here are the freerice.com daily grain totals for November:

1 November 2007 52,142,290

2 November 2007 45,925,390

3 November 2007 45,760,870

4 November 2007 48,038,530

5 November 2007 53,847,080

6 November 2007 73,566,480

7 November 2007 75,201,580

8 November 2007 77,126,310

9 November 2007 63,253,810

10 November 2007 122,377,240

11 November 2007 136,236,930

12 November 2007 188,987,290

13 November 2007 192,744,570

14 November 2007 184,681,920

15 November 2007 201,226,610

16 November 2007 198,342,510

The site was mentioned in this chat the 6th and 13th and on the CBS Evening News the 15th.

Gene Weingarten: I think our mention on the 6th provided their tipping point; the rest seem random fluctuations.

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For the record: I like turtles.

Gene Weingarten: Wow!

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New York, N.Y.: Gene-

I completely agree with you about the intimate kiss. I've done it and not felt bad and I've encouraged my girlfriend to do it if she wants, just not in front of me.

To leap from that premise a bit, let me also say that I think an open relationship is the most healthy one as long as you trust your partner. I think if my girlfriend is dying to have sex with somebody then she ought to do it if she can. This girl would have to be someone I completely trust to be safe and responsible with this privilege (a privilege afforded to us both.) Also, we'd have to be extremely confident in our love and devotion for each other. A relationship without jealousy.

Gene Weingarten: I think that could work for some people, but not many.

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Arlington, Va.: I think you misunderstood the earlier poster's post about walu. He/she wasn't eating on the plane, but rather referred to going to a seafood buffet the last dinner before departure. How many times have you seen a buffet on an airplane? Other than Jimmy Buffett, that is.

Gene Weingarten: Ah, right. Sorry. I often read things too quickly.

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Grossest thing in history: Ok, maybe just the grossest thing in the history of the web. Are you familiar with the video going around widely of two women doing horrible things (I am being cagey, because leading people to find this with no preparation would be soul-damaging). The real question is, though the vast majority of the video is horrific, is one key action that initiates the rest fake? I didn't watch it, I know myself too well, but I watched my husband's face as he watched and that was priceless.

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, I don't know what this is. I will, soon, I'm guessing.

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Columbia Heights, Washington, D.C.: I need to clarify/justify my answers to the first two poll questions. I said that all of the words were clear to me, but I also said that I hear "douche." Because that's what he's saying. As I write this, 16.67 percent of respondents are not hearing "douche," and I can only conclude that all of these people are my mother, and are thinking to themselves, "It can't be douche, because no one would ever put a nasty word like that in a song."

Gene Weingarten: Correct. It is impossible not to hear douche, because he is singing douche.

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Springfield, Va.: I don't know why people complain about understanding the lyrics of fogey rock. I guess if you grew up with listening to Al Jolson enunciate every word to songs on The General Biscuit Radio Hour, yeah, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler might sound like he's singing like he just got a mouthful of novocaine.

Of course, I am forced to admit I grew up listening to punk rock, so maybe after a decade of voluntarily subjecting myself to gap-toothed British hooligans and bearded alcoholics from Gainesville, Fla., squawk incomprehensibly about social problems, Paul McCartney sounds like a crooner of yore to me.

Gene Weingarten: The reason this is fogey rock is that I am a fogey, and these were pulled from my knowledge and memory.

Okay, here's a challenge: I'll do another poll next week (or the week after -- these are hard on Liz) if some of you whippersnappers will send your nominations for post-80s songs with poorly enunciated lyrics. Links to the music would be helpful.

Gene Weingarten: Send to weingarten(at)washpost.com.

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Maryland: I'm sure you're getting a million of these, but here's my worst:

In "Only the Good Die Young" I thought Billy Joel said the girl was counting on her OVARIES, not counting on her ROSARY.

I did not learn this was wrong until I was in my mid 20's.

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Washington, D.C.: You've said that even though you take really strong positions on a million topics, part of this is an act and you're not that sure of yourself. So, which ones are you really, really sure of? And which aren't you? Where does dark chocolate stand in this mix?

Gene Weingarten: I'm sure of most of the biggies: The serious political positions. I am one hundred percent certain that it is bigoted to oppose gay marriage, that this issue exists only because of political expediency, and that in the not very distant future, this will not be a matter of debate any more than "separate but equal" is.

I am one hundred percent certain that having a constitutional amendment banning burning of the flag is an idiocy with no merit and terrible implications.

I am onc hundred percent certain that early-term abortion must be available to any woman who wants it for whatever reason, even if this makes us all feel a little queasy.

It's where I take immovable stances on unimportant issues that I will privately confess to trusted friends and advisers that I might be on shaky ground. One of these might involve dark chocolate, but it might not. I'm not telling.

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It's the holiday season: and my gift is the best bumper sticker ever: If Mary Was Pro-Choice, There'd Be No Christmas

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

Of course, that's actually wrong. Mary wanted that baby.

I wonder how they aborted back then? I know they did because the Hippocratic Oath has a section on how abortion is bad. (If you've never actually read the Hip Oath, you should. Parts of it are a scream.)

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Cheating is in the eye of the beholder...: Kissing is not cheating, if your signifigant other doesn't think that it is but if you wouldn't feel comfortable telling your signifigant other that you frenched your co-worker today then it is cheating.

Gene Weingarten: I think this is not a bad criterion.

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Braless in Maryland: "you just don't want to look clumsy and undignified in front of your guy."

At last! Now I know why I vary from the other women in this regard. My husband already knows I'm clumsy and undignified. He has seen me trip on the stairs, break my pinky toe on the coffee tables, and (true story) accidentally rip out a peircing. For a while there, I thought we were going to get a frequent customer discount at the ER. The clumsiness of putting on a bra qualifies as graceful for me!

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Sunday's Dilbert: This is a perfect lead in. You chose it CPOW but we can't see it online. We can NEVER see the far right panels because the advertisement covers it up. Do your web guys/gals never look at their own site to see if it is working ok?

washingtonpost.com: I've passed this along to the appropriate party.

Gene Weingarten: Ooh, that's bad.

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Broadlands, Va.: Gene Weingarten: ....Frankly, I have never understood why anyone would ever buy a new piece of furniture. (Except perhaps where improved technology compels it, such as a bed.)

Hi Gene, perhaps it's also necessary when one doesn't own furniture and needs to buy some, but can't afford antiques.

Although I don't see what's so special about IKEA furniture.

Re: Peanut Butter, I won't defend chunky, but can I defend "natural"? I can't stand sugar with loads of added sugar, salt and preservatives. I eat a peanut butter that's made out of just peanuts... when I eat anything else it makes me want to gag.

Gene Weingarten: Hey, this is a misconception about antiques. Something doesn't have to be French Renaissance to be an antique. My house is furnished almost entirely in antiques, and I doubt there is a single piece for which we paid more than $300. Sometimes you have to do some refinishing.

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Red BMW Woman: Gene

You called her the same thing my coworkers and I call her. I have actually bonded with a few people that I didn't know very well over this idiot.

One poster on your last chat pegged it. She is completely expressionless -- except for the time I finally got past her, honked and then flipped her off -- since I later got caught in a slowdown, she actually managed to catch up to me and when she passed she did the "naughty naughty" finger cross. Not kidding. This woman knows what she is doing.

I also witnessed one time when she pulled out onto the greenway and cut off a truck (she was going very slowly and just pulled in front of him since she owns the road). This caused him to have to swerve abruptly to avoid her (I was well behind and trying to avoid it all) and he then got in front of her and jammed on his brakes. She then WENT AROUND HIM ON THE BERM and jumped in front of him and jammed on her brakes.

Believe me Gene, this woman knows what she is doing. And she is dangerous. I wonder if she has ever had things thrown at her.

Gene Weingarten: We. Chatological humor needs to find her. Someone get her license number and send it to me. This could get interesting. Send it to me at weingarten(at)washpost.com. She could turn into a column.

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Anon: Gene-

I have a problem with my... ahem... penis and this chat seems the perfect place to get some info. Not to mention the fact that we share the same primary care physician, so our two bits have only one degree of separation. But I try not to think of that.

Anyway, I am a 38-year-old male of good physical condition and health. In the past week, my penis has been constantly hiding on me. Not shrinkage, mind you, more like turtling. The head tucks into the small bit of foreskin and continues to retract inward, like an accordion.

It isn't painful, but is very uncomfortable. Been happening every day for almost a week now. Weather, undies (or lack of) and clothes seem to make no difference. It appears to have become nocturnal, as the problem does not occur at night.

So what say you, great oracle of the trouser snorkel?

Gene Weingarten: I have no clue, but I am putting it out here fore everyone's general amusement. My thought is that so long as it is at the ready when you need it for its two primary functions, this just isn't anything to worry about.

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L'Enfant Terrible:

I just wanted to point out that the fastest way to get to your chat is to type the word "moron" into the Post's search bar.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: What are the rules regarding post-Thanksgiving coitus? I'm guessing Thursday night is too soon to hit the wife up, but what about Friday?

Gene Weingarten: After 8 p.m. Friday is considered acceptable.

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Red BMW Crazy Driver : I wish I knew that stupid woman. She does drive like she is oblivious to everyone and everything. I've tried honking, getting really close to her bumper and passing her and quickly getting in front of her -- Nothing -- she just keeps on driving ever so slowly. She started making me so crazy in the morning commute that I now leave 15 minutes early so I don't have to see her -- She won!

Gene Weingarten: I mean it. We must find her. I will do the dirty work. You guys be my eyes.

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Indianapolis, Ind.: I'm going to have to change my answer to the "Dream On" part of the poll question. I thought I knew the lyrics, but what you've posted as the "real lyrics" aren't close to what I thought they were singing.

Wow.

Gene Weingarten: I'll bet lot's of people are whacking their foreheads right about now.

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Springfield, Va.: So, who all comes to the Thanksgiving feast? you mentioned Joel Achenbloch. I remember Dave Barry mentioning it once; is it the folks who worked at Tropic, plus spouses?

Gene Weingarten: This year, the Rib is in the middle of a big trial, so Joel and his wife, Mary Stapp, are doing the honors. Our old friends, Buzz and Libby, are coming in from Phila. The only other guest I know for sure is Frank Ahrens, from the Post. Who has a GREAT arm for football.

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New York: "She eats tofu hot dogs, dry, on a white-bread bun with no condiments. I have seen her eat two or three of these at one sitting. She also drinks Pabst Lite from styrofoam cups."

Liz, I think you have lost the right to criticize someone else's diet, even if she eats meat.

washingtonpost.com: Are you kidding me? You believe him? He's lying through his Oscar Mayer-encrusted mustache.

Try asking him how many people wrote in to support the superiority of chunky peanut butter.

Gene Weingarten: There were, indeed, dozens of crunchy supporters who showed up over the weekend. And I was lying about her eating dry tofu hot dogs and Pabst Lite from Styrofoam cups. But, as God is my witness, I have seen this woman drink bourbon straight from the bottle, eructate loudly, and then challenge any man in the bar to a fistfight. Wait till you all see her tattoos next week. They are biker bitch mean.

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Most chronic non-enunciator: REM's Michael Stipe. It was mentioned repeatedly in the band's introduction into the rock and roll HOF.

Gene Weingarten: He sings quite clearly on Losing My Religion, no?

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Anonymous: "It's where I take immovable stances on unimportant issues that I will privately confess to trusted friends and advisers that I might be on shaky ground. One of these might involve dark chocolate, but it might not. I'm not telling."

See, it's things like this that keep us hot women in the chats. Just don't post any more videos of yourself, please, and we can keep the illusion going for us all.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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Arlington, Va.: Of course I look around when to see if anyone is watching when I put on my bra. But, then, maybe it's because I'm a guy.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Pompano Beach, Fa.: Last Friday a piece of my wooden closet rod deceded to embed itself deep within my thumb. It broke off completely inside. The rod is old and has silver paint on it.

I've been soaking my thumb in warm water with baking soda. It's not infected, but it hurts to use that side of my thumb. I have to use my index and middle fingers to turn my car key.

The hole through which the splinter entered has completely healed over. The only visible damage is a dark line and a small bump. How long do I have before my hand falls off and my fiance can remind me that she told me to go to a doctor?

Gene Weingarten: You want to go to a doctor. The pain should not persist this long. He's gonna pierce you, dude.

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Ballston, Va.: Hi Gene--

Now that the "official baby" of this chat is a toddler, I think it's time to add a new child to the mix. My wife is due on December 23rd with our first child (a boy). Don't you think it's only fair that the chat have an official boy baby? I'll happily offer him up to be officially adopted by this chat (do you think I should check with my wife before doing this?)

washingtonpost.com: Oooh, and then we can force them into an arranged marriage.

Gene Weingarten: Speaking as a married man, I'd check with the wife. But you have at least until next week to decide.

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Porn stumbling: Try stumbling onto gay.com on your parents computer, while your parents are still married. Very nerveracking.

Gene Weingarten: Hm.

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Late Discove, RI: The late discovery of correct lyrics inspires me to this tangent: My father didn't believe in buying a color TV for years. I was at college in 1968 when I discovered that "The Wizard of Oz" is a (mostly) color movie.

Gene Weingarten: I believe my parents didn't get a color TV until the late 60s, too. They were waiting for the color to "get good."

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Mann: I remember an interview with MM, he said they did that cover without ever hearing Bruce's original. He went on to say that when the guys in the band eventually heard the original they were horrified and embarrassed -- but then their version took off and they felt a little better.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. I hope that's true.

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Eugene, Ore.: I just watched the entire video of Specter's comedy routine and read your column. While Specter did botch both jokes you referred to, overall he really wasn't to bad. I think your column unfairly lamented Specter's routine which really was pretty good, especially for an amateur comedian.

Gene Weingarten: Here's the problem: The man told old jokes. That is not standup, and that does not qualify him to be "the funniest" anything. He got tremendous laughter because of who he was, and his stage bearing was good.

All the others tried to be funny with their own material.

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Gene Weingarten: Hey, warning. I have to leave early. Like in one minute! Gonna be lunching with both Pat the Perfect and The Empress.

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Thanksgiv, IN: Thank you for the detritus. Thank you for the Dogs, the Kids, for the Rib. Thank you for Liz, Pat the Perfect, the Empress and the Czar, and for the Butcher and his minions. Thank you for the stories, the CPOWs, the polls, the quirks, scatting about the scatological, and the kvetches. Thank you for The Flash.

Gene Weingarten: Awww. And thank you all for being here, and being so feisty. It's what makes the chats work.

No updates this weak, onaconna the holidays. See you on Tuesday.

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