Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: MEN| WOMEN

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Thanks to you chatters we can begin Week One of our assault on idiot computer-generated links that harass the reader of stories on washingtonpost.com by creating pointless diversions.

You all sent in more than 100 citations to really stupid links, but a few stand out.

Jon Enriquez sent in this beauty from a TV Column:

ABC staged a dance-off, over the protestations ofMonaco, and crowd fave John O'Hurley was declared winner, sort of.

Several people pointed me to this delightful paragraph in a post.com story:

Even though I originally turned off the forbidden Mariah Carey song, it was winter break, and Heather and I were spending an extraordinary amount of time in front of MTV. We wound up watching the video for "All I Want for Christmas Is You" at least twice a day. Yes,Virginia, MTV used to play music videos.

And lastly in today's sensitive column by Mike Wise about Sean Taylor, we get this:

"The crowd Taylor's memorial service attracted was diverse as it was odd -- everyone from the Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, to the actor Andy Garcia, Jackie's uncle, to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Florida transplant O.J. Simpson, whose daughterSydneyattended the same prep academy as Jackie and Sean."

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Remember that video link to Ms. South Carolina's stupidity meltdown a few months ago? Well, we were too hard on her. She wasn't THAT dumb. Now here's a woman-- Kellie Pickler, of American Idol fame -- who is THAT dumb. Blondes need to get this woman incarcerated, because she is simply destroying their reputation.

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Happy Hanukkah to you Hannukah observers. I had to be reminded of this holiday by Pat the Perfect, who is a better Jew than I am, which is not hard to be. Pat reminded me of an incident a couple of years ago: We were in the cafeteria at The Post, and it was Hannukah time, and I remarked that I knew nothing about the holiday: I didn't even know how many days it lasted. Pat was thunderstruck. She said EVERYONE knows how many days Hanukkah lasts, and to prove it asked the random person who closest by. This happened to be the cashier, who was an African American woman in her 60s. Yep. She knew.

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Here is a new set of candid photos of the lovely and talented and totally screwed up Ms. Amy Winehouse, caught outside a friend's house in the chill of winter, looking extremely Amy Winehouse-ish. My friend Rachel Manteuffel saw these photos, and offered up the following observation:

"Now, see, this shows the difference between the sexes. Men look at that picture and feel awful for humanity, because that pretty girl messed herself up so much. Women look at that picture and feel awful for humanity, because here is proof that you can be heroin-skinny and you will still have those little lumps between your bra cup and your armpit when your arms are down."

Liz informs me that the correct terminology for these protuberances are "side boobs."

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From my friend Kate Jones comes this tasteful little link ( Not necessarily safe for work. -- Liz). It's important to read through it, down to the things this lady says.

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Okay, okay. Suicide polls ( MEN| WOMEN), rape humor, cynical commentary on drug addiction. I know what you are thinking. Which is why I am going to leave you with this beautiful thing.

I was away on Friday, Saturday and Sunday at Molly's coating ceremony at Cornell (this is where third-year vet students earn their white coats and begin to work in the clinics, directly with animals) and haven't caught up with all the comics. So I feel ill-equipped to designate my choices for the week, though I am pretty sure I can tell you what the CPOW is. Here.

That's it. Let's go.

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Madison, Wis.: Jesus Christ, Gene, I thought this was supposed to be a humor chat. I was in a good mood five minutes ago, excited for the poll and for the chat later this afternoon, and then... suicide.

My beautiful, funny, quirky, sweet, 32 year old sister committed suicide less than a year ago. She had no right to do it, and I would never NEVER do it myself. The pain it inflicts upon your family and friends is crippling, horrible, too great for anyone who hasn't experienced it to imagine. I hate you for making this poll, for giving people a place to collectively say that suicide is "okay" is such and such cases, just as I hate whoever made that website that my sister got instructions from for how to do it (the police found a print-out in her desk). Maybe they thought they were helping people, maybe you think it's just a discussion, but maybe it's giving courage to people who are on the edge, who are now thinking that other people think it's okay, that other people think they have the right to do it, so maybe they should. But no, you don't have the right, because it's not just about you, you don't have the right to inflict that much pain upon all the people who love you. It's not fair, everyone batting around hypotheticals about suicide all light-heartedly on a Tuesday morning and then going back to work. But I'm sitting at my desk, crying, because I just want my sister back. Thanks, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: I am sorry for your loss, and sorry for your pain, and am sorry to have contributed to it. But I fundamentally disagree with your premise. I think we all have the right to take our lives: I just think that we have to understand that if we do it, we will likely inflict enormous pain for others.

I just don't think there is any subject too awful to discuss. And I think discussion sometimes leads to valuable insights. Please see the next post.

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Heartland, BFE: This week's poll was very timely for me.

I've just learned that my sarcoma has recurred and metastasized, which means that, sooner or later, it will kill me (if something else doesn't happen first, of course).

The way I see it, I can go along with treatment, spending the rest of my life going to doctors and hospitals and running up huge medical debts (could take months or a few years), or I can let nature take its course and be as comfortable and healthy as possible up to the end (about 6 to 8 months).

I lean heavily toward the latter choice. The decision will have to be made very soon. Do you think that choosing not to have treatment is the same as committing suicide? Also, depending on how painful this can get, I am considering hoarding a stock of pain medication, just in case. If I chose to take an overdose, would that be committing suicide, under the circumstances?

If it matters, I am a 57 year old female, do not believe in any organized religion, and am absolutely not afraid of dying. (I am, however, very afraid of having huge debts that I can never hope to repay.)

I have no problem with suicide; it is an individual decision. I just wondered if you might see another side to this. Also, the poll question about terminal liver failure made me wonder if you might be going through a similar situation.

Nothing's ever black and white, is it?

Gene Weingarten: Exactly. I am sorry to hear of this. You are obviously strong, and I admire this.

I don't think your choice amounts to suicide, at all. You are doing exactly what my great friend Howard Simons did, after his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer. He told his doctor he wanted just palliative (pain) treatment, and went off to die among loved ones.

Howard was one of the wisest men I've ever known, and I think he made a dignified, wise, and moral decision.

I wish you the best of luck.

Gene Weingarten: I know we all do.

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RE: Lusty Linda: Remember Mel Brooks in "Blazing Saddles," trying to get the pen in the holder?

Harvey Korman: "Sir, think of your secretary."

Gene Weingarten: Haha.

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Springfield, Ill.: I read somewhere this week that in order for Santa to reach all the houses he has to in the time alloted he can only spend 34 miliseconds on each. This can mean only one thing. Santa is the Flash.

Gene Weingarten: I believe I have written this before.

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Killer poll, Gene: I found it odd to be answering those questions, having already dealt with those issues in my past, before I had my kids. I bet it will be interesting to read some of the posts that come into your chat -- I'm guessing it will seem as if some of them could've been written by me.

On a related note, I don't know if you've ever seen the movie "The Anniversary Party," but it has a memorable (and funny) bit about parental suicide:

"Oh, God, you're so lucky you don't have kids! You can't stick your head in the oven. You can't take a handful of Percodan if you want to, or slit your wrists. You can't do yourself in. Kids just rob you of that option."

Gene Weingarten: YOUNG kids rob you of that option. After 21, all bets are off.

No, I am not advocating suicide; it often or always delivers pain to others.

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scatalogic, AL: Gene, there's a certain video that's been circulating among the underground. I will not hint at the name of the website, or the subject matter except to say that it involves two women. Let's just say that if you've seen it you know exactly what I'm referring to. It's the most foul, baseless thing I have ever seen in a medium which abounds in such fare. Watch the video from start to finish was a test of wills that I won, if barely, with eyes literally watering and bile rising in my thoat. So, have you seen it? What's your take? Can we go any lower?

Gene Weingarten: I have seen it and (surprise!) will have a column coming out on it in two weeks.

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Blonde, but not an idiot: How is it possible to make it through public schools and not know that Europe is a continent and not a country and that many languages are spoken there? I know all about people being "socially promoted" and why Johnny can't read and all that, but simply BEING THERE and ALIVE in the classroom, she should have picked that one up.

Gene Weingarten: She is an astonishing dolt. And seems to revel in it.

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Alexandria, Va.: What a fun holiday poll! Anyway, the one thing that surprised me the most is disparity of the number of people who would die for the person they loved most in the world. I said "no," as being without spouse or children, the person I love most in the world is my mother. Is it wrong that I wouldn't die for her? I hate to be callous, but it doesn't seem right -- she's been around longer, for one thing. I can definitely understand parents dying for children, but not the other way around, and I know for a fact my mother would never want me to sacrifice my life to save hers.

Gene Weingarten: I think everyone with children said yes, most people without children said no.

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Gene Weingarten: This just in: An excellent double dactyl from Jason Meyers:

Trillipy Trollopy

Gudrun A. Jonsdottir

Found she had solved all the

stem cells' old tricks

Cutting and pasting with

Retrovirology

Took Richard's foreskin and

Made some new Dicks

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"Side boobs" is so: passe. Today the kids are calling 'em "vagina arms." FYI.

Gene Weingarten: Uh. I don't even understand that one. A vag is a cavity. Do you mean vulva arms? Still...

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Mo, MS: I'm on the e-mail list for Spirit Airlines, to get notice of cheap fares toFlorida. Today, I got an e-mail announcing their new promotion -- TheMILF Sale ( Many Islands, Low Fares).

Yeah, right. "Many Islands, Low Fares" is the first thing I thought of. Yeah, right.

Gene Weingarten: They're gonna change that immediately. They just Didn't Know.

It does remind me of something that I need to relate in a circumspect way to avoid embarrassing someone. So please forgive the vagueness.

Some time ago, I wrote an email to a close friend and colleague in which I was joking about a friend of his whom I had recently met. For complex reasons, I had not been prepared to discover that this person was was really quite fetching. IN A FACETIOUS AND NON-SEXIST MANNER EMPLOYING INTERNAL IRONY SO IT WAS OKAY, I referred to her as a MILF.

The reply email said, "What is a MILF?"

At which point it became apparent to me that this email had been answered not by my male friend, but by his female wife, with whom he shared an email account.

Imagine the problem facing me. Not only did I need to explain this term, but I needed to somehow defuse the self-evident fact that her husband knew this term, too. Heh. Just another episode in what it is like to be me.

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Washington, D.C.: I answered the poll questions as best I could. I attempted suicide several years ago, and generally when people ask, I answer. Hard to do in a poll, so here it is. Life wasn't that bad, considering, but suffering depression, you don't see that much of it. At the time, there was only one way out/through/over whatever it was that was bothering me. One. It's not always about how bad life is, or what you've done with your life. Sometimes it's about what's in front of you, nothing and everything are startlingly similar and hugely overwhelming. I am able to talk about it clearly, and joke about it--really, what morons try and fail to kill themselves?

Gene Weingarten: I bet you're fine now. You can joke.

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"The List" stin, KS: Gene,

Aside from annoying hyperlinks, another thing The Post should end right now is their Top Ten List group. Not only is it completely stupid, but today they included Bad Santa on a list of the ten worst Xmas movies, which is patently ridiculous. If they are going to do it, they should at least let The People vote and give a shred of credibility to this charade. It would be like if you gave us the answers to your polls but skipped the poll.

washingtonpost.com: The List

Gene Weingarten: I disagree with this. The Top Tens are there to spark an animated comments thread. If you disagree with it, you say so. Of course they were wrong about Bad Santa. So what?

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Funer, AL: I watched Sean Taylor's funeral on TV Monday. Michael Wilbon and Len Shapiro were criticized; the speaker got a standing ovation. What'd the two Posties say?

Gene Weingarten: Lizzie, can we link to the Omb column from Sunday?

washingtonpost.com: Throwing a Flag on the Taylor Coverage, ( Post, Dec. 2)

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Washington, D.C.: The poster who basically excoriated his sister for committing suicide makes me sick. He has no idea what she felt. SO sorry she couldn't put HIS feelings first! Did he know that she needed help? Did he help? Or is this his guilt speaking now?

Gene Weingarten: You're being too hard on the poster. This is deeply disturbing territory. I understand why he felt she had no right, given the devastation she created for others. I just disagree.

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Springfield, Va.: I watched my mother die slowly from Alzheimers. Her memory left, then my mother left, then her speech left, then her contol of bodily functions left, then her body left.

I will not die from Alzheimers and cause my friends and family five years of watching me waste away.

Gene Weingarten: Me, either.

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Re: side boobs: I have heard "visible camel toes."

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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Is France a country?: I once watched a game show like this where the contestants were shown a picture of the Eiffel Tower and asked to identify which country it was in. The first contenstant guessed "Paris." The second guessed "Europe." Kellie would have guessed "artichoke."

That was appalling.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

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No Hax Chat today: So I'm coming to you, Gene, since I think you have a sense of humor similar to that of my boyfriend's. To him, everything is fair game -- even if it's something he knows I'm sensitive about. So he'll poke fun at my stomach fat, or my clumsiness. When I complain and say that I find those comments hurtful, he says he's just joking; when I try to be meanly funny back, and poke fun at HIS gut or his inability to throw a football in a spiral, he doesn't seem bothered. So am I overly sensitive, or is he a schmuck? We've been dating for nearly five years now, and he's otherwise quite charming, attentive, loving, etc. But he just doesn't seem to get that his comments don't FEEL like jokes to me.

Gene Weingarten: He's a schmuck purely and simply because he keeps doing it even when he knows it hurts you.

Gina explained this dichotomy some time ago: Mean are thicker skinned, in general. Women friends will never greet each other with: "Hey, douchebag, how you doin'? Puttin' on a little lard on the old belly are we?"

Guys do this. We are almost impervious.

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Broadlands, Va.: Hi Gene, just a comment...

White chocolate rant: Do the people who prefer white chocolate know that there is no such thing as white chocolate? It's butter and sugar, people, no cocoa at all.

Uh, friend... white chocolate may not have cocoa solids in it, but it does have cocoa butter. It's not cow butter. It is still made from the cacao plant. So, yeah, it does technically have cocoa in it. Yutz.

But to avoid the argument, yes, that doesn't make it chocolate.

Thanks for letting me get that out there.

Gene Weingarten: Several people pointed this out.

Gene Weingarten: To me, real chocolate is to white chocolate as whipped cream is to that revolting, sickeningly sweet butter cream icing.

Actually, this is probably a very good analogy.

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Carlisle, Pa.: Don't talk to me about terminal liver failure, Gene! I'm home sick with mono, and on Thanksgiving night I felt absolutely terrible (didn't know I had mono yet) -- they ran a liver panel and came out with off the chart numbers that, if they did not come down, would have been very bad news to me. AST/ALT were 4,000 and 10,000 if that means anything to you. They are 125/400 now, so we are out of the weeds.

Gene Weingarten: I am one of the few people to whom those numbers make perfect sense, and holy crap. At the height of my hep c infection, I was at 600 and 250.

They are not comparable, though, in the sense that my infection lasted 20 years and yours about one month. You'll be fine. Nothing irreversible. As you know.

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New York, N.Y.: I would like to submit something about the poll. I read this book called "Stumbling Upon Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert (it was recommended by Smithsonian Magazine) and it basically talked about how humans are terrible at predicting what would make them happy or unhappy. They think that they are, but they usually use their imaginations which are unreliable as to how they would really feel. This relates to the poll because he did some research on people who are conjoined twins or amputees or have terminal illnesses. What he finds is that those people are just as happy as everybody else. Although you can say, "I would kill myself if I got AIDS, or had my arm cut off, or my mom died...," people are resillient. Life goes on. Even though many people answered, "I would take my own life if..." it is using the faulty logic and imagination that is a bad predictor of happiness. Just something to think about...

Gene Weingarten: I think this is absolutely true. I think we can all withstand more than we'd think possible. And I think the parents of a child who died can attest to that. Life goes on. You cope. Resiliency is our strongest asset.

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Fun NY?: Thanks for the poll. I'll just pass on the chat this week. I really prefer something besides morbidity over the lunch hour. Creep.

Gene Weingarten: Okay.

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Budapest: Hugary: Who cares where Hungary is? Kelli Pickler is absolutely adorable. It would take me several days before I would start to be disgusted by her jibber jabber.

Gene Weingarten: You know, I look at that woman after watching this performance, and I see a sexless creature. Seriously. Might as well be a man, in terms of how attracted I am.

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Suicide: My daughter's middle school just had an assembly on bullying. No big deal, it's important, blah, blah. Except that afternoon, my daughter (age 12) talked about the movie they were shown about bullying and how a girl hung herself because she was bullied so much. It really bothered my daughter a lot, but she couldn't figure out how, in fact, someone could hang themselves.

Anyway, am I being unreasonable to think this wasn't appropriate for a discussion on bullying? Or I should have been at least warned of talk of suicide, since she could have obviously not talked to me about it, but it still would have bothered her.

Parenting is tough.

Gene Weingarten: I think that showed lamentable judgment by the school. Too graphic.

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Washington, D.C: I would choose death by cop. Run out onto Pennsylvania Ave., with a pistol, screaming that I am the voice of my own god. and just get brought down in a hail of gunfire

Gene Weingarten: Unless you are only horribly wounded and maimed. And you would deliver psychic grief to an innocent cop. A horrible idea.

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Suicid, AL: I found the poll a it cheering, really. A couple of decades ago, someone close to me committed suicide. It wasn't entirely unexpected -- he had an raft of mental illnesses and had failed every treatment regimen imaginable. He was miserable.

I used to look at his suicide as a life horribly truncated, but now I get it. He stayed alive for us, and only for us, for many years.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly.

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Fairfax, Va.: In regard to Sunday's column, don't forgot about Jeb Bush's son -- George P. Bush. He's in his early 30s right now, but has thought about a future run for office.

washingtonpost.com: The Keychain of Doom, ( Post Magazine, Dec. 2)

Gene Weingarten: The truth is, I think this particular Bush has eliminated the possiblity of a Bush resurgency. You didn't see Buchanan's son lay claim to the office.

Oh, wait. Bad example.

Okay, Herbert Hoover Junior never went anywhere, either.

Gene Weingarten: Can you believe this new report about Iran? Bush KNEW that Iran wasn't trying to get nukes when he made his latest round of sky-is-falling armageddon-is-coming scare talk.

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Granville, Ohio: Do you still feel a touch of nervousness when you're about to dial someone like Alan Dershowitz (or Joshua Bell, or The Great Zucchini), and have to re-focus and tell your finger to punch the buttons, or have you evolved past those plebian workaday emotions? "Yes, that's right, said I'm Gene, Gene Weingarten -- you just tell Dr. Kissinger I want his butt on the phone pronto, chop chop."

Gene Weingarten: I like this question.

I am a painfully shy person, by nature. I am uncomfortable at parties. I don't like to walk up to strangers and initiate a conversation.

I believe all of the above helped dispatch me into journalism. It is a perfect mask for your weakness, a fabulous disguise behind which to hide. I have zero "approach anxiety" (a term used in the girl-pickup game) because at these times, I am not me. I am the Washington Post, and I have a DUTY to be inquisitive, obnoxious, etc. And, indeed, I have a duty not to be impressed by anyone. You have to hypnotize yourself into believing you BELONG in that conversation.

You know, in 30-odd years, I have spoken to Nobel prizewinners, heads of state, captains of industry and whatnot. The biggest challenge for me was Garry Trudeau. I kept wanting to ask for his autograph.

So, no. Dershowitz occasioned not even a flutter. Plus, my question entertained him. We laughed. That always makes everything easier.

washingtonpost.com: The Keychain of Doom, ( Post Magazine, Dec. 2)

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Newark, Del.: I think committing suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do. My best friend's boyfriend committed suicide when he was mad at her. I mean, he was on a lot of drugs at the time, so that had a lot to do with it as well, but he pretty much did it out of spite. His parents blamed her and she wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. My best friend has changed so much before my eyes all because he was selfish enough to make the ultimate sacrifice just to prove a point. He was 21 years old. If you're really fed up with your life or are going to die soon because of an illness, then I think that is your decision. But, people that kill themselves out of spite are so selfish because they don't think about how their rash decisions are going to affect everyone else around them.

Gene Weingarten: This is the most stupid rationale for suicide I've ever heard. I'll bet there was more to it.

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Totally anonymous, but maybe in Santa Rosa, Calif.: What kind of lazy butthead can't take five minutes to read three days worth of comics? You, sir, have set a new standard of indolence.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you, Stefan. I assure you that Pearls would not have made the cut anyway.

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Washington, D.C.: I would much rather watch my mom fade away from Alzheimer's than to think of her taking her own life to make things easier for me. The former I could get over. The latter, I could not.

Gene Weingarten: Good point: But it all depends on how the person explains his suicide to others, now doesn't it?

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Enough of these: is the hyperlink to "coating" in your lead-off a joke?

washingtonpost.com: Kellie?

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahahaha.

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Suicide: I hope the chat audience will cut the poster whose sister committed suicide a little slack. For someone who hasn't experienced a certain kind of loss, a word like "suicide" is just a concept to you. To someone who HAS experienced that loss, any mention of the word is a connection to a terribly, pain-filled, emotional experience. My sister was raped when she was sixteen, and I never hear the word "rape" without making a connection to my sister. I'm sure for this poster the word "suicide" works the same way. I'm not saying that means we shouldn't talk about these things, I'm just saying be aware that these kinds of words can trigger intense pain for someone and don't judge them for that reaction just because you've been lucky enough not to have a personal experience with something.

Gene Weingarten: Exactly.

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Jeff City, Misery: Liz said something in her chat last week that was disturbing and has shaken my view of my fellow chatters here:

"when Gene linked to the pic on my tattoo artist's flickr page, she -the tattooist] was flooded with rude comments.". Where else could those rude comments have come from but here? And I thought we were, in general, a pretty world-wise, libral-minded group of folks. Of course it's possible some took their cue from you when you characterized her thusly: "...then one might discover that person is actually, deep in her soul, a Satanic biker bitch slut skank hobag." I realize you were trying to make a funny but one might discover that a person making such a statement could still be mired in Ward and June Cleaver Land of the 1950s when it comes to body art. C'mon Gene, she got a tattoo of a doggie, a kitty and a birdy and all with pretty colors. It's not exactly the kind of body art that would lead you to believe that Liz rolls her own tampons and kick starts her vibrator.

Here are two shots of a young woman who worked animal rescue post-Katrina in New Orleans. Yeah, those are definitely skanky ho tats:

One

Two

Gene Weingarten: What happened to the tat artist was disturbing, and yes, it clearly came from here.

But you completely misinterpreted what I said about Liz. The joke was that I said that before you linked on the tat. The doggie and kitty and birdie gave the lie to the description.

Gene Weingarten: I am in love with Liz. You think I am gonna call her names?

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Gene Weingarten: On the poll, for what it's worth, I could imagine killing myself for most of those reasons. Re: shame and remorse, ad I done something careless that took the life of my child, I would know what the rest of my life would be like, and would want no part of it.

My single caveat: I would not kill myself if I had children under 20. Under no circumstances. I'd wait it out.

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Washington, D.C.: Dr. Strangelove is President of the United States of America.

"Look, Iran was dangerous," Bush said. "Iran is dangerous. And Iran will be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon."

"What's to say they couldn't start another covert nuclear weapons program?" he asked. "I still feel strongly that Iran's a danger. Nothing's changed in this NIE that says, okay, why don't we just stop worrying about it. Quite the contrary."

Gene Weingarten: What's to say Canada won't poison our wells? Let's nuke Canada.

Jan. 20, 2008 cannot come too soon.

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Suici, DE: Best lecture on human behavior I ever attended was by Dr. Robert Cialdini. He had stats to back up his claim that after a famous suicide (e.g. Kurt Cobain), not only is there a national spike in suicides, but also in accidental deaths (including all vehicular crashes). The phenomenon lasts about a week. He no longer flies seven days after a celebrity suicide, because airline pilots' "accidents" are included in this spike. His theory is that the repeated media attention covering a well-known person's suicide is just enough to make that same decision more appealing to some who were probably considering it. But insurance benefits and shame cause many to mask it as an accident.

Gene Weingarten: This is deeply troubling, but it doesn't surprise me. It seems to validate the decision, somehow.

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San Francisco, Calif.: Interesting poll. Last month, a guy just laid down on the BART (subway) tracks in the Financial District, and let a train run him down. I was on a train that passed through the station about 10 minutes later. The paramedics had just arrived, and people were still getting off the platform. I still think about it, going through that station. It was probably one of the most selfish ways to commit suicide. He made the train driver do it for him, and traumatized hundreds of commuters. I simply can't imagine how it felt to see him do it, or be on the train that hit him.

If I had an incurable disease, I might do it, in the least traumatic way possible. I answered pills because presumably I could take them myself without making another person knowingly complicit in my actions. And I would die for the person I love most, if it meant saving his life. I'd do the same for my kids, once we have them.

Am I allowed to say that I just said a little prayer for the poster facing this issue?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, you are. Thank you.

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Jan. 20, 2008: I WISH!

Unfortunately we're looking at 2009 for administration change.

Gene Weingarten: Ah. Yes. Of course. Aargh.

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Public We, AR: Is it appropriate, if one sees a reasonably attractive woman in a public place wearing a top that says "MILF", for a complete stranger to say to her, "Nice shirt!"

Gene Weingarten: I would say "That shirt suits you."

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Re: "side b---bs": They are an indication that one is wearing the wrong size bra.

Gene Weingarten: A few women have said this. Do we have an argument?

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Oakton, Va.: I guess the problem with suicide to avoid dying of Alzheimers is timing. You would want to do it while you're still capable, but if you were still capable that might seem like too soon.

Gene Weingarten: I would do it shortly after the diagnosis, as soon as the speed of progression became apparent.

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L'Enfant Terrible:

This is longish. Pick and choose.

1. The Designated Hitter is a bad rule and will never go away. The modern fan prefers overweight, one-dimensional players increasing scoring to cerebral managers actually making tactical decisions that might allow them to squeak out the decisive run in a 2-1 game that lasts 2 hours and 35 minutes. This is one reason why the National League is superior to the AL, and is preferred by all true baseball fans.

2. The same people who prefer the DH and score inflation are the ones who complain the loudest about games taking too long.

3. No instant replay in MLB, but balls and strikes should be called by computers. Keep the umpires for all the rest of their duties, but the variation among strike zones due to (a) umpires' varying interpretations and foibles and (b) the "reputations" of certain pitchers (Maddux for years) and hitters (Pujols now) who get far more calls their way than average, take too much from the game. Anybody who's watched the challenge process in tennis recently would have no doubt that technology has matured to the point where computers could handle the job.

And don't give me any of that "human element" nonsense. Nobody goes to games hoping to see umpires make mistakes. Nobody goes to games to see umpires at all.

Gene Weingarten: I agree with all of this. There is one catch to a computer ball-strike model, which is the height and location of the strike zone would have to be preset for each batter. That could be done at the beginning of the season, actually. Automatic. You don't change your height or your stance.

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New York, N.Y.: I think we missed an opportunity with this week's poll. Shouldn't there be a breakdown in age groups as well? I would expect to see some different approaches to death from the 35 and under set.

washingtonpost.com: My fault...

Gene Weingarten: We couldn't decide, Chatwoman and me, which split made more sense.

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Laurel, Md.: Now that she's been pardoned, is it OK to laugh at what a backwardly ignorant place the Sudan is, that demonstrators actually took to the street demanding the death penalty?

Gene Weingarten: Hey, I'll say it. That was one hilarious story. One of these comes about every few years, just when we are ready to begin to believe the world is getting smaller and more comfy.

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Alexandria, Va.: I took your quiz and was thinking about the fear of death question and how it pertains to religion. My first impulse was that religious people should be less afraid of death because of afterlife beliefs, etc. Then I thought otherwise, in that the stakes are much higher for the religious. What if they did a bad job and get an eternity of hell? I'm not a I've-been-saved-and-that's-that Christian so the possibility you're not working hard enough is always out there.

Gene Weingarten: Here is my big question, and perhaps some fundamentalistly religious person can answer it. If you are completely convinced that there is a God who is going to punish you with eternal damnation or reward you with eternal bliss for your deeds on Earth, how can you not essentially totally devote yourself to your religion? I mean, TOTALLY. How can your religion not be the single most important thing in your life? How can you not, basically, become a nun or a monk or whatever it takes?

I don't get it.

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Anonymous: No offense, Gene, but I'd totally be for a George H.W. Bush comeback. I didn't always agree with the old man, but he was the consummate international player, knew how to make alliances (with a little help from James Baker), and although not usually lauded for his domestic achievements, was actually willing to admit that the deficit was a problem and that taxes needed to be raised. How many Republicans out there are like that these days?

So Bush in 2008. He'll fix his kid's mess.

Gene Weingarten: He would be 84 years old, 88 at the end of his term!

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Other: I'd sit in a warm bath and open my veins. Easy and relatively peaceful, and it would make for an impressively gory tableau for whoever would find me.

Gene Weingarten: I knew I was missing something obvious. And I bet you are a woman. It's a woman's way.

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Anonymous: There is one catch to a computer ball-strike model, which is the height and location of the strike zone would have to be preset for each batter. That could be done at the beginning of the season, actually. Automatic. You don't change your height or your stance.

Hitters will often change their stance when trying to get out of a slump. And what about batters that crouch like Rickey Henderson used to? Do you take their crouched height or their height when upright?

Gene Weingarten: I believe the crouch must be taken into account. I think each batter would have to establish his "official" crouch at the beginning of the year.

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Washington, D.C.: My father-in-law did not wait it out. He hung himself when he had four children under the age of 17. Now one of them, my husband, wants to name our first child after his dad. I feel a lot of compassion for my father-in-law, but in my gut I feel like naming my child after him is wrong. I see how much he hurt my husband and his brothers every day. What do you think of this compromise: Child's first name will be father-in-law's name, but the middle name will be what we call him. Any good? Yes, my husband knows I feel this way and he understands.

Gene Weingarten: Well, sure.

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Del Ray, Alexandria, Va.: I can claim a certain amount of knowledge about the subject of suicide because for nine years I worked as a medical photographer in a western state and dealt with police and medical examiners in many suicide cases. A few random thoughts -- men kill themselves more often than women do, men use guns and don't care about leaving a mess (although the worst death by firearm I ever saw was a woman), suicides increase during the holiday season, impotence is a frequent factor in middle-aged male suicide (my experience was pre-Viagra, so maybe that's changed), women think much more about the effect of the act upon others, judging by the notes they left they either wanted to explain and justify their actions, or taunt the living. Men seemed to just be looking for the "off" switch. I never saw anyone who had killed themselves by slitting their wrists and bleeding out. Quite a number of the pill takers lingered for days with brain damage, liver damage, etc. before dying. All this is of course based only on seeing the results of successful suicides. As far as the poll goes, I would absolutely kill myself in the face of certain fatal illnesses. I worked in hospitals, I know a little about what to expect. I also know which pills to use. I'll bet you do, too, Gene, you old poop.

Gene Weingarten: I do.

Thanks, this is interesting.

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Method of Suicide: Seems that most people are choosing pills. I'm guessing because they see it as a painless way to go. I would rather pick the method that is most likely to be "successful." If I were already in a situation had driven me to the point of suicide, I would really rather not risk the chance of surviving with life-long brain damage or pain. I think pills are likely not the most fool-proof method.

Gene Weingarten: As the previous poster said, you'd need to know what you are doing.

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Why I Prefer The DH: I don't want to see pitchers hit. Plain and simple. It's an automatic out for teams and I'm sorry I don't see what's so great about the "strategy" that has to go into this. Oooo, the manager made a double-switch. Big freaking deal. Plus, if I'm the Yankees I don't want to see Chien-Ming Wang have to bat and risk getting hit on the hand and be out 6-8 weeks because of a broken finger!

Gene Weingarten: Hey, I like the fact that a good hitting pitcher can really help himself.

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Pickler video: The comments are amusing. Many of them are attacking Americans as not knowing anything, but don't seem to give credit to the fifth grader for getting the right answer. Just shows that you only see what you expect to see.

Gene Weingarten: That woman is not a typical American. That woman is completely uneducated.

Now, having said that, Kornheiser was once writing a column, and wrote something that made it clear to me he didn't know the difference between a planet and a star. He simply had no understanding of ... the universe.

Obviously, not a stupid man. A weird knowledge glitch.

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Column: I absolutely believe that you never make up a column or a person for a column or misquote people to make a column better. Yet, I have a hard time believing that your call with Alan happened exactly how it turned out in print with no other pauses, random snide comments, or extraneous sentences. Did it?

Gene Weingarten: No, it did not.

I never claim these are completely verbatim. Many extraneous things are edited out. Some questions got answers that didn't help the column. Some quotes were condensed.

All I claim is that it happened this way, that he said what I said he said in response to the questions that are in the column.

These are not transcripts. No conversations happen that perfectly.

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I am not a fundalmentalist, but I will try: A Catholic here -- God doesn't expect us all to be monks or priests or nuns. He expects us to be what we were "called" to do. Would I make a good nun? I don't think so. Am I a good mom? Yes, I think, overall, I am. Has that made a difference in the world? A small one, but yes.

You reach people through your work. Would you reach as many people if you were a Rabbi? (Of course, you'd have to know the length of Jewish holidays, but I digress).

So, basically, we are supposed to do what we were "born" to do. Sometimes it takes 67 years to figure out what the "it" is, but hopefully you find it. Really, this matches a very non-religious concept of doing what you are really passionate about, because it will work out for you.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, thanks.

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Reston, Va.: Probably one of many who send you this.

From the bread article over the weekend:

From cookbook author and expert baker Nancy Baggett.

IC

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Ban the DH: If the DH makes pitching decisions easier for the manager, why does the AL have so many high-scoring games that go on for days-?

Maybe if the manager has to pinch-hit for the pitcher, a fresher pitcher can come in and keep the score at 2-1 instead of 12-9.

-Statistics not verified. Just seems that way.

Gene Weingarten: TheAL has higher scoring games because AL teams have an extra good hitter! And no terrible hitter!

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Washington, D.C.: From last week's Reliable Source chat:

Amy Targetslinger: You should definitely change your name to this.

Amy Argetsinger: Just got a GoogleNope on it, so apparently it's available.

Google nopes taking over the world!

Gene Weingarten: Last I looked, "googlenope" and "googlenopes" were up to 3,700 hits total. We can do better than that.

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Falls Church, Va.: Regarding the car discussion from last week, I have a '93 Honda Accord with 327K miles on it. I change the oil regularly, but it's been washed less than ten times! I love the thing and will drive it until it dies. And then get a used Accord.

I should be in a commercial.

Gene Weingarten: Just FYI: My 1991 Mazda 323 only has 81K on it. I plan to have that car until I die.

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Brooklyn, N.Y.: Re: "I find Hockey totally ridiculous":

Gene, you've always impressed me as someone who can find beauty in unexpected places. You're overlooking a big one here. Alex Ovechkin of the Caps is a once-in-a-lifetime hockey player, and he happens to be right in Washington. Not going to check him out once or twice while he's here would be like not going to see a Van Gogh exhibit the Smithsonian got on loan.

Or, from the safety of your chair: I challenge you to search on "Ovechkin" at YouTube and say his goals are scored by accident. (I'll even spot you his most theatrical goal.)

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I just looked at his highlight reel. Very impressive. But I have gone to two Caps games (at ridiculous prices) and in each, the majority of goals were scored in the following fashion:

A scrum of guys from both teams race toward the goal, some of theme forwards, some backwards. When they arrive at the crease, they coalesce into a flailing, flopping mass, the puck somewhere within this mayhem. And at the last minute it sort of pops out and floops into the goal.

Sorry. I know to some this sounds like idiocy; I'm just a casual sports fan callng it as I see it.

I don't much love soccer, but you can watch it and realize there is artistry involved. I just can't see it here, at least not in a sustained fashion. Also, I have no idea what "icing the puck" is

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Kensington, Md.: Gene, after a phone call to a customer service rep, I now feel bad for you occasional series of columns.

I just opened a new container of packaged lunch meat, made a sandwich for the chat. Towards the end I pulled a hair out of my mouth that did not belong to anyone in this household. I inspected the package and found another. The woman who took my call was gracious, apologetic and even said "Bleah!" when I described what happened. I feel bad for her. Her entire day consists of "I found hair in my mesquite chicken!"

Gene Weingarten: So don't you think they are amused when a caller is a total jackass? It gives them something to talk about all day.

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It's not too graphic: If a 12-year-old is bullied to the point of suicide, why shouldn't other 12-year-olds be told about it, to impress on them the damage that bullying can do? I mean, the poster can't have meant that the movie actually showed the girl hanging herself.

Gene Weingarten:"Killed herself" is fine.

Hanging, even just as a description, seems a bit much to me.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Liz is wrong!

Those are not called side-boobs, they are called poochies. Side-boobs are when you get a side-view of a boob because of the way a shirt is cut.

See collegehumor.com as a reference.

washingtonpost.com: In my world, they're side boobs, which is different from side boob, which is what you describe.

Gene Weingarten: Poochies?

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Re: Fifth Graders: I am not defending people who don't know basic geography, but I will say that on the one episode of "Smarter" that I watched, they asked questions about cloud formations. "Surprisingly" the contestant got it wrong but the kids got it right.

Good for them, but since I am not a bird, or flying a hot air balloon, why should I waste precious memory cells in my brain remembering the difference between stratus and cirrus clouds? If I were to do so, I would never again know where my car keys are.

Gene Weingarten: Sorry, but that is not the same thing as being unaware that France is a country.

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Cartoon for Liz: See last week's New Yorker.

washingtonpost.com: Nice!

Gene Weingarten: I love this.

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Don't worry: Gene, my Bush countdown key chain died a few months ago and Bush is still here. You would think that the manufacturers could anticipate how long the battery life would need to be. It's a watch battery but if you change it you go back to the original count and start all over. Maybe that's what happened to your wife's, the battery got loose.

Gene Weingarten: I just don't know! For some time I suspected my son of resetting it (there are reset buttons) but he swears he did not.

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Why, NE: Clearly, science is overrated. Because if it were really important, we Americans might be a little anxious to learn that our 15-year-olds score below Croatia and Latvia. But that's okay, right? 'Cuz we outsource all our science stuff anyway.

Hey Science, Don't Mess with Texas, ( Huffington Post, Dec. 1)

Check out the chart links in the last paragraph.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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No discussion of suicide is complete...: without mentioning Roxanne Roberts's stunningly good article about her father's suicide. I bet Liz could find it.

washingtonpost.com: Of course: The Legacy, ( Post, May 1996)

Gene Weingarten: We have linked to this before, but it remains one of my favorite pieces that I got to edit.

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Carbon Monoxide: You also forgot this one...

Many years ago, I left home one morning to drop my kids off at nursery school and then go to work. My husband had seemed off for the past couple of days; but, had promised that morning to call EAP for help. I didn't make it to the end of the street when I turned the car around. Parked the car (with the kids out of sight) and ran to the garage (with the door opener from the car) where my husband was sitting with the car on. I smashed the garage windows and desperately tried to open the door (he had turned off the controller). I ran into the house and was able to open the door and call 911. He was admitted to a hospital, recovered fully and is now medicated. He thanks me regularly for having that feeling in my gut.

He was clinically depressed and didn't see another way out. He needed help and medication not death. But, he didn't know that then.

Thank goodness he didn't make such a permanent mistake!!

Gene Weingarten: I don't think it is goodness who needs to be thanked here.

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Icing the puck: Icing the puck is, like when you take a hockey puck? And you put icing on top? You can make swirls, or just cover the whole thing with icing?

And the icing can be vanilla? Or chocolate? Or anything you want?

Thank you,

Kellie

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha. I like the question marks.

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Potomac: Everyone: The Kellie Pickler schtick is an act. It is simply an act, in the tradition of Dolly Parton and Jessica Simpson and Zsa Zsa Gabor and Charo and Charlie Weaver and the Grand Ole Opry Country Woman and Gomer Pyle and Floyd the Barber and about 1,000 others. Kellie Pickler, in reality, is a very beautiful, smart woman--and that is not a joke, either. It's all an act, folks!

Gene Weingarten: REALLY?

Wait, do we know this is true? Have we all been buffaloed, especially me?

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Mustache: Gene,

My wonderful SO has a mustache that I hate. Can I tell him this? Is it more like "I liked your hair better longer/shorter/blonder" which he has said to me, and was fine or "You need to lose about 15 pounds" which he has never said, and would devastate me.

Gene Weingarten: Of course you can tell him. He's a guy. We don't take things personally.

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Gene Weingarten: The Celebritologist strongly doubts that is a Pickler act. I go with her.

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Fashion Stateme NT: I once saw a teen girl wearing a "Future MILF" T-shirt. SO SAD, on so many levels...

Gene Weingarten: I LOVE that shirt. That is a great shirt.

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Union Station, Washington, D.C.: Over priced Caps tickets? Lemme guess, you were sitting downstairs by the glass. If you don't mind being upstairs you can get a ticket for ten bucks. A lot of the time the upper deck isn't full so you can "upgrade" yourself latter in the game.

And yes, the crashing the net routine does tend to work a lot. Part of the beauty of the game is how intense it can get.

washingtonpost.com: And hockey is more interesting and sensible from up in the cheap seats.

Gene Weingarten: Yaaaawn.

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Poll info: So I was looking at the differences between the male and female responses and I noticed this: twice as many chicks responded as dudes.

Two girls for every boy!

Dude, you totally have to have an inperson chat one of these days.

(Or would that spoil it?)

Gene Weingarten: What's an inperson chat?

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Jessica Simpson and Zsa Zsa Gabor and Charo : are not jokes. They really are that dumb.... Britney will be soon joining them....

Gene Weingarten: You know who was not dumb? That other one with the Italian first name. Whatsername. Pia Zadora. Not dumb.

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Bethesda, Md.: Gene,

A reader's letter to the New York Times Sunday Magazine told of the benefits of gastric bypass surgery and how the reader went from being morbidly obese to maintaining an acceptable weight and engaging in an active lifestyle. The reader's name was Guttman. I'm wondering if this would have been an aptonym at his prior weight and whether there is a term like "nee" that we can add to indicate that someone is a former aptonym?

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

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Evolution: Wow! As many Americans DON'T believe in evolution as do?! Wow, wow, wow. I just had no idea.

I just can't believe how successful the religious right has been at this debate. I guess it's too confusing for people to understand that scientific "theory" and the colloquial term "theory" are just two completely different things.

Gene Weingarten: It's astounding, isn't it?

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Somewhere, USA: Gene, Thank you so much for today's poll. It was actually somewhat cathartic. My grandparents committed suicide last Friday. They couldn't bear to be without the other, and this was the only way they could guarantee departing this world together. They were married for 63 years and were two halves of one person. I detail the why (it didn't involve a terminal illness - it was just time for them), as it is still fresh and a very private matter for the family.

Finding out was a shock to the system. You would think something like this would shake a person's beliefs, but today more than every I support end of life decisions like euthanasia and assisted suicide. This was the right decision for them and they did it for one reason: they loved each other. People who claim that the person who commits suicide is selfish are actually being selfish themselves. It's a perfectly natural reaction. You feel like you've been robbed of additional time with them (I know I do), but ultimately it was their decision.

Thank for letting me get this off my chest. The poll touched on so many issues I've been going over in my mind for the last three days, and has been a huge help.

Gene Weingarten: I think we end with this post.

Thank you all for another stimulating chat, and I do apologize to those whose fresh wounds were poked.

No updates. See you next week.

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