Ask Jim Gaffigan

You know comedian Jim Gaffigan. Maybe it's from his stand-up special "Beyond the Pale," his dozens of appearances on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," his roles on "My Boys" or "That '70s Show" or as the voice in Sierra Mist and Rolling Rock ads. He will be in town for five shows at the Warner Theatre, from Nov. 29 to Dec. 1.

Gaffigan will be online Wednesday, Nov. 28, at 2 p.m. ET to talk funny.

The transcript follows.

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Washington, D.C.: Jim - I love your work. But I wonder sometimes if you have a serious side. Do you ever stay up late and contemplate deep philosophical issues like what would happen if the company that makes Sierra Mist were to merge with the one that makes Hot Pockets?

Jim Gaffigan: I actually think about that during the day and night. And I think about it a lot of the times when I'm sitting in my bed that is made out of bacon. I do those Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of days. I do it because I have a respect for all sodas and I like to communicate that. Some people say soda, some people say pop, where I'm from in Indiana they called it breakfast.

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Arlington, Va.: Since Conan O'Brien is clearly a huge wimp, why do you allow him to be a part of Pale Force? Wouldn't you be better off with another partner, or even fighting crime on your own? As far as I can tell, that guy is dragging you down.

Jim Gaffigan: Upon first appearance it might seem like Pale Force is something that I use as something to promote myself on Conan's show. Like promoting my show that's Thursday at the Warner Theater. But really why I do Pale Force is to help him out. Conan's a virgin and I believe he's never been kissed. I believe a dog licked his face once but that doesn't really count, does it?

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Arlington, Va.: In at least one of your stand-up shows I've seen, you use a female voice to comment about your jokes. Is there someone you know that inspired this character?

Jim Gaffigan: That female voice, this is kind of embarrassing to bring up here, but it's you. I wanted to tell you in person but instead I'll tell you in this live online interview. Thanks. No, I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.

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Washington, D.C.: Are you the husky guy on My Boys?

Jim Gaffigan: I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser on My Boys. And I don't appreciate you flirting with me, I'm married. See you at my Thursday show. At the Warner Theater. Tickets available at Ticketmaster.

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Walkersville, Md.: Jim,

I wish you would run for President. I think you would do a great job.

I love you.

Jim Gaffigan: Thank you for the support. I think this country is ready for a white male president, but not just a white male president. A white pale male president, I think the disgustingly pale minority really needs representation and sunscreen.

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Silver Spring, Md.: I can't wait for the shows this weekend. I have a front-row center ticket for Saturday's 10 PM show. Will there be bacon to share?

Jim Gaffigan: Yes there will be bacon. The bacon will unfortunately be in the form of CDs and posters that I sell after the show. But they're as good as bacon. Say hey at the meet and greet after the show.

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Bethesda, Md.: I heard that you greet your audience as they leave your shows. Will you be doing that at your Washington performances?

I think that's a wonderful thing to do, but do you ever worry that you sometimes might be attracting the kind of audience you wouldn't necessarily want to meet in person?

Jim Gaffigan: You know my act deals with the hard-hitting issues of Hot Pockets, escalators and camping so given that these are edgy topics there are going to be edgy people in the meet and greet. Talking about bacon for 5 to 10 minutes, there might be some people that I have to deal with during the meet and greet, but I'm that kind of man.

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Chevy Chase: Hi Jim

Have you ever thought of suggesting to the people who make Hot Pockets that they could also market them as a laxative?

Sort of like the way Arm and Hammer retooled its baking soda from a cooking ingredient to an air freshener.

Jim Gaffigan: They keep introducing new Hot Pockets every five minutes. I think we're about to enter an all Pocket era. I think that soon we won't even be using forks. Everything we eat will be in a Hot Pocket. There will be Hot Pocket deodorant. There will be Hot Pocket cologne that smells like after you eat a Hot Pocket, unfortunately.

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Arlington, Va.: When is your next album coming out? I almost drove off the highway on a road trip when I listened to Beyond the Pale the first time.

Jim Gaffigan: I want to make sure that my next one is really good so I think I'm planning to record it next fall. It will probably be 45 minutes of new stuff but I want to make sure that the album is an hour of really, really, really good new stuff. I'm not in a hurry, I just want to make sure it's really good. And see you Thursday at the Warner Theater.

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Germantown, Md.: Are you wearing a blouse?

Jim Gaffigan: I wouldn't call it a blouse, I would call it more of a dress/leotard.

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Washington, D.C.: Is this your first web chat?

Does it feel strange having all these people probing you?

Do you have your clothes on?

Jim Gaffigan: I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.

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Bethesda, Md.: Wondering if Jim plans on being funny tomorrow night?

I have tickets, but I'm on the fence if he expects to be dour.

Jim Gaffigan: I was planning to be funny and dour, I hope you still show up. I was planning on dedicating the show to you, but now I'm a little dour about it. See you in a couple dours.

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Boston, Mass.: Jim,

Did you come up with the beard comb-over yourself? That was one of the funniest things I've EVER seen.

Jim Gaffigan: No, I didn't. But I always seem to be chosen to do very flattering things like the beard comb over or go to the bathroom with the door open on Sex and the City or be the guy people meow at in Super Troopers. It's great for self esteem.

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Buffalo, N.Y.: Since I'm dissing the Post Book World chat to be here, I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind talking about the last good book that you read?

Jim Gaffigan: The last good book I read, not to sound snobby, was Goodnight Moon to my one-year old son, who affectionately hits me in the face when it's over. I would call the book something that arises strong reaction from toddlers.

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Displaced Hoosier in Oakton, Va.: Is it true that you and the Chief Justice of the United States attended the same tiny high school in northern Indiana? And, do you see your Hoosier roots as having shaped your comedy in any way, as they seem to have done with Dave Letterman?

Jim Gaffigan: Yes, the Chief Justice and I both went to the same high school. Ironically, he was considered the funny one. And I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.

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Clifton, Va.: Hot pockets!

Jim Gaffigan: People do seem to say this to me in the airport. I'm never sure how to respond. I usually just say, "Uh, thanks?"

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Radford, Va.: Have you been contacted to endorse Hot Pockets? You've made them relevant again.

Jim Gaffigan: Not yet. Hopefully all the diarrhea references aren't holding them back.

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Curious: Jim, will you be in DC soon?

Jim Gaffigan: Thank you, a very good question. I will be at the Warner Theater tomorrow night at 8 p.m. Tickets available at Ticketmaster. You would type in "ticketmaster" into your browser and then hit purchase, but I don't want to pressure you.

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Silver Spring, Md.: Jim, why does the Washington Post's homepage credit you as an "indie rocker"?

Jim Gaffigan: It's not because someone was too lazy to switch the title for the Ted Leo interview. It's because they know I'm not only a good comedian and a good actor, I'm also a fine musician and a terrific ballerina.

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Oakton, Va.: Dear Jim -

The other day, my husband said, "one of the guys in my office looks exactly like that comedian...you know...." and I immediately said, "Jim Gaffigan?" and you were exactly who he was thinking of.

Just wanted to share.

Hugs and Kisses.

Jim Gaffigan: There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, "I know someone who looks like you" and I don't know what say to them except, "Tell them hi."

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Washington, D.C.: Unfortunately I will not be able to attend your show this Thursday through Saturday at the Warner Theater, tickets available at Ticketmaster

BUT when will you return?

Jim Gaffigan: I'm sorry to hear that you won't be able to go to Ticketmaster and get tickets for Thursday's show. I'm not sure when I'll be back but might I recommend my CD Beyond the Pale or my first CD, Doing My Time, both available at JimGaffigan.com. Have a wonderful Christmas and/or Hanukkah and/or Kwanzaa and/or Ramadan and/or Hindu holiday. Did I mention they'd be a good gift?

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Washington, D.C.: I have tickets for the Friday night show and this my first time. I know at some shows fans with throw certain things on the stage at the right moment (e.g. Kraft mac and cheese during the Bare Naked Ladies). Should I be prepared to fling Hot Pockets when you start that bit?

Jim Gaffigan: No -- how flattering of you to consider throwing things on stage. People have thrown Hot Pocket boxes but I always feel like it kind of distracts from the joke.

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Washington, D.C.: You're a terrific -independent- ballerina. Mainstream ballet is too corporate.

Jim Gaffigan: Yes, it's very hard to make a living balleting independently but it's something that I feel a desire to do and I have balleted all over this country and I like to think that I can ballet better than the average Joe.

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Clifton, Va.: Jim, you spend a lot of your act (at least in "Beyond the Pale") on food. It almost seems as if you have a love/hate relationship. You seem to fully recognize that things like Hot Pockets and the rest of the typical American diet are totally unhealthy, yet one also suspects you binge on these same things.

Can you talk a little bit about your relationship with food?

Jim Gaffigan: I think about and eat food rather than deal with emotions.

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Hoya: Will we see Thursday's show at the Warner Theater (www.ticketmaster.com) on HBO in the future?

Jim Gaffigan: No it's going to be a special show. All these shows are special and you have to see them in person. I don't think I'll be doing a special until next fall. And that won't air until February '09.

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I LOVE you: Jim, I would like you to know that every time I am in the frozen food aisle of the supermarket, I am completely unable to walk past a certain variety of frozen sandwiches without saying "ho-o-o-ttt po-o-o-cket." So, thanks for that.

And inquiring minds want to know: where are you drinking after your shows? If you come to H St, I'll buy your drinks at Palace of Wonders.

Jim Gaffigan: I'll probably go out one or two of the nights but I most likely will be staying closer to the theater depending on when I get done. But thanks for the invitation.

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Boston, Mass.: What's your fave word to say? Mine's banana hammock.... isn't it fun?

Jim Gaffigan: It is a fun word. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to shower. I hope this wasn't a commentary on the thong that I'm wearing. My favorite word, well words, is Thursday night's show at the Warner Theater, tickets available on Ticketmaster. But I don't want to push that. I'm not doing this interview to get people to my show Thursday at the Warner Theater. I just wanted to say hey and interact with people who are procrastinating at work.

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Washington, D.C.: hi, Jim. What was the inspiration for your bit about the sea cow, I mean manatee?

Jim Gaffigan: The manatee joke was inspired by a holiday vacation I took with my father and brothers in Manatee County, Florida, where everything is named Manatee. Manatee Street, Manatee Hardware, everything.

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Arlington, Va.: How does one become a successful Hoosier? And why are we (I'm a Hoosier) called Hoosiers? I have my own theories of how that nickname came to be but I'm interested in hearing how a 'northern' Hoosier's theory would differ from a 'central' Hoosier's (my) theory.

Jim Gaffigan: I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say, "Who's there? Who's there?" So people that were from Indiana were the people that said "Who's there?" But what do I know? I don't read or interact with people outside the Internet.

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My Boys: I want to say I think you are hilarious on My Boys (as is all of the cast).

Do you have more fun working on an ensemble TV show like that, or doing your own thing with stand-up?

Also do you know when My Boys will be coming back?

Jim Gaffigan: The people who work on My Boys are a pretty exceptional bunch. They're pretty much similar to how they are on that show. It's weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can't imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much. When My Boys comes back probably depends on when the writer's strike ends.

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Arlington, Va.: Hi Jim! Do you love Michael Ian Black as much as I do?

Jim Gaffigan: Michael Ian Black is really one of the funniest people I know. And one of the quickest and could-be cruelest minds. I am terrified of Michael Ian Black.

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You rock my wor,LD: You make my husband and I laugh so much...we have incorporated "hot pockets", "I'm a manatee" and "kitty wants candy purrr" into our daily interactions. People think we are weird. Might be the manatee costumes.

I wish we were going to see you on Thursday at the Warner Theater, but we are cheap and babysitters are expensive. So we'll sit at home and eat Hot Pockets while thinking of you.

Jim Gaffigan: Hear me out. Have you considered selling your baby and buying tickets to Thursday's show? Thank you, I love you and your husband, in a very appropriate manner.

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Washington, D.C.: Jim

Where are you now doing this chat?

It can't be at the Warner Theater, whose tickets are available at Ticketmaster, can it?

Jim Gaffigan: No, I'm in New York City getting ready for my Thursday show at the Warner Theater, tickets available at Ticketmaster.

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Your G-town days: I think we might have overlapped a year or two at Georgetown. I am a musician, and I have to admit, going there was a mistake for me as it was pretty conservative and not really a hotbed of creativity. Would you choose to go there if you had to do it all again?

Jim Gaffigan: I'm pretty happy in my life so I wouldn't change anything that led up to where I am today. I really did love going to Georgetown and it was a dream of mine, as a kid from a small town in Indiana. I probably would have majored in something besides business. Both my parents went to Georgetown. I didn't feel pressure to go there. However, my sister Hoya did.

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Bethlehem, Pa.: Jim,

I am having a horrible day at work. Thanks for being funny in the chat instead of talking about how people really resonante with your work because of the Greek tragicomedic overtones. You're making my day.

Jim Gaffigan: You know what would be a great pick me up of the day? Spending tomorrow night at the Warner Theater. I'm dedicating the show to you. And anyone else who comes.

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Washington, D.C.: You refer suspiciously to only the Thursday night performance and yet you are billed to be there through Saturday.

Are all the other shows sold out?

Dude.

Jim Gaffigan: I believe the shows on Friday and Saturday are sold out. But I think they release some tickets the day of.

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Honorary degree: Shouldn't Georgetown give you one?

You've put the place on the map.

Jim Gaffigan: Good point! I know that Patrick Ewing and this guy named Clinton went to Georgetown but can either of them talk about Hot Pockets for 10 minutes? Where is that damn honorary degree?

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Washington, D.C.: Where are you performing again? And where can I buy tickets?

Jim Gaffigan: Interesting question. I don't know if I've mentioned this but I will be performing at the Warner Theater Thursday night through Saturday night. I believe tickets are available through Ticketmaster.

Thanks for the questions. I love you. And bacon. Hopefully I'll see you at, well, you know where I'm going to be by now.

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