Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Poll: Door A: 34 and Younger | Door B: 35 and Older

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

I have not seen anything quite as funny, politically, as the pathetic, undignified scramble by the Democratic candidates to associate themselves with the word "change." All their pollsters must have told them at the same time that this word was trending up. Wouldn't it be great if someone hacked into all the pollsters' databases tomorrow and made them all think that, suddenly, the word "callipygian" was hot?

Meanwhile, the "change" stampede continues. I am thinking that by tomorrow, to establish herself as the TRUE agent of change, Hillary will start carrying around one of these.

Elsewhere on the political front, I hope you all noticed the important news that the president of the republic of Georgia got reelected. His name is Mikheil Saakashvili. When I heard this, it seemed to me that this is the name of all leaders of Georgia, so I checked it out. Here are the names of 16 of the 19 leaders of Georgia going back to 1922: Orakhelishvili, Lominadze, Kakhiani, Gogoberidze, Kartvelishvili, Agniashvili, Charkviani, Mgeladze, Mzhavanadze, Shevardnadze, Patiashvili, Gumbaridze, Margiani, Mikeladze, Shevardnadze, Burdzhanadze.

You basically have four templates there: With almost no exceptions, you have to be a -shvili, an -adze, an -idzi or an -iani. Wouldn't that be a simpler system for the United States? If you wanted to run for president, your name has to rhyme with Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, or Roosevelt?

Here is a slice of toast. I toasted it this morning. If you look carefully you will note in it a faint but unmistakable image of the Blessed Virgin Mary. This is because, prior to toasting it, I wrought a miracle by smiting it with this special Blessed-Virgin-Mary- toast-enhancing-cookie-cutter device given to me by The Rib for Christmas.

It was my favorite Christmas gift this year. My second favorite was my new cell phone, a Verizon NV, which actually takes pictures and lets me text and has its own full keypad and which I barely know how to use. When I wanted to put wallpaper on the screen, I didn't know how, so I asked my beloved daughter, Molly, to make it a photo of my beloved dog, Murphy. Molly cheerfully complied, but then cheerfully affixed the following label to the picture: "I smell like feces." I don't know how to remove it, and she won't.

Some alert readers noticed with outrage something odd about the Opuses of Dec. 9 and Dec. 16. What they noticed, specifically, was that every pun in the strips was lifted from a Style Invitational from 1998.

What they didn't notice, specifically, was that Breathed acknowledged the thievery: Note what Steve Dallas is reading in week one.

To give credit where credit is due, here are the names of the original entrants, and their entries:

Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained. (Michelle Feeley, Arlington)

Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon. (David Hoffman, San Diego)

Willy-nilly -- adj., impotent. (Beth Benson, Lanham)

Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

I've had an extremely eventful week, filled with odd and disturbing events, some of which I may tell you about next week. In the meantime, though, I will urge you to take today's poll, (Door A: 34 and Younger | Door B: 35 and Older), whose results are pretty much what I would have predicted, and interesting nonetheless. I disagree with most all of you, and will tell you why fairly soon.

This was an odd comics week, leading to this SPECIAL INSTANT POLL.

Comic Pick of the Week is Sunday's Doonesbury. First Runner Up is today's Lio. Honorables: Today's Baby Blues, Monday's Speed Bump.

Okay, let's go.

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Falls Church, Va.: Gene - Provocative poll. We adopted our dog from a shelter and I truly feel extreme disdain for those who buy dogs from breeders -- even humane breeders. BUT I should add that we adopted our daughter and I have the same feelings of utter disgust for people who do not adopt any child subsequent to their first born. I understand the biological drive to reproduce -- once. After that, your brain and basic morality should kick in to help existing children who need parents, rather than creating new kids. You have two spawn -- but you adopt your pets. Please explain.

Gene Weingarten: You know, I THOUGHT someone would make this argument.

Debate, please....

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Gene Weingarten: Oh, I almost forgot. We have enormously important news. Someone spotted the slow-driving red BMW lady, and took down her license tag. I have it.

This will result in something dramatic. Stay tuned.

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Anonymous: Barak Obama had one white and one black (African) parent. He is uniformaly described as black or African-American, never as white (nor as mixed race, which I guess is a term with bad connotations from our past). Bill Richardson is Hispanic, but can?t get anyone to describe him as such. How would we describe you if you were a presidential candidate?

Gene Weingarten: Black.

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Re: Falls Church: Procreate once? Adopt before you have your own child? What the heck are you smoking? As an adopted child myself, get off your high horse. Do what your heart leads you to do, if you feel like adoption is your way to go then do it.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah. That was sort of PETA-like intensity, wasn't it?

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Essen, EL: A lot of voters don't realize that change is a two-way street. You can come in with sixteen quarters, eight dimes, and four nickels -- Obama can give you a five-dollar bill. Or he can give you five singles. Or two singles, eight quarters, and ten dimes. You'd be amazed at the variety of the options you have.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Hi Ge, NE: My boyfriend broke up with me last week and you weren't here to console me. Please, tell me something nice.

Thanks.

Gene Weingarten: You look GREAT in those jeans.

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Arlington, Va.: I was in the supermarket this evening when suddenly I was struck by the thought that Mike Huckabee's last name would be a terrific intro to a double dactyl. To wit (or half-wit):

Hickabee, Huckabee, see all the candidates

Traipsing through Iowa, freezing their buns.

Unfortunately, not having my poetic license (only a learner's permit), I can't come up with the next two lines, but I thought it might be worth throwing this out as a starter culture for those with more talent.

Gene Weingarten: Huckabee Huckabee
See all the candidates
Traipsing through Iowa,
Freezing their buns.

Yapping incessantly,
Medically proving that
Hyper-rhetorically,
They've got the runs.

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Arlington, Va.: I was so impressed by the PETA video that I had my daughter neutered.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Arlington, Va.: Gene,

The Hillary Cry: Funny or not?

Gene Weingarten: Funny, but only because everyone made such a huge deal out of it. The woman showed a moment of humanity, and it's a giant story.

It wasn't a cry. It wasn't even a half cry. It was sort of a flash, for two seconds, of a vulnerable looking face.

Gene Weingarten: And a slight hitch in the voice. It is pretty eloquent commentary about how machinelike pols have to be. We are jerks, as a society, to demand that. And we do.

Least machinelike pol running is McCain. He lets himself be vulnerable and funny. I think Obama wasn't machinelike at the beginning, but learned he had to be.

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Bethesda, Md.: PETA is simply one of the worst advocacy and lobbying groups in existence. Someone should question their tactics, stances, opinions, findings, ads, videos, personnel -- and their finances -- every single day. They constantly use inaccurate, unfounded statements, they don't do proper research, they twist the facts, they intimidate people wrongly, they are juvenile, and, yes, often they are simply wrong about the issues. By the way, there is probably a couple of million breeders in the United States would will completely disagree about buying quality dogs from quality breeders in quality situations with quality papers -- and they likely wouldn't shed a tear if PETA went out of business today. The same goes with a lot of other animal lovers out there. It's time for PETA to re-think their business and how they communicate and connect with the public at large -- because it ain't working now.

Gene Weingarten: You know what? This provokes the slippery slope argument regarding ends and means, but I'm guessing that PETA's in-your-face philosophy was and remains essential to getting things done. They have been very, very obnoxious to KFC for years. Just outrageous. Mean, savage, loud and ugly. And they've wrested change from an arrogant company that has been awfully cruel to chickens.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, wait. Friedrich tells me, no, KFC hasn't moved much. But Smithfield has, and Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's, and Safeway.

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Disbelief: I thought your readers were enlightened! Judging by the answers I have seen so far to the poll (only about 140 or so total responses) MOST picked that they support what PETA does in part but they go over the line sometimes. Wow. PETA goes way, way over the line MOST of the time. Wackos. Am I missing something?

Gene Weingarten: Yes, you are.

Gene Weingarten: I believe PETA is right on most issues, and they'd be more universally accepted if they could compromise even a little bit. They don't. So to keep completely consistent with their philosophical worldview, they say that they would be opposed to medical experimentation on animals, even if it cured AIDS. (They qualify this by saying it could never cure AIDS, but the damage is done.)

Their greatest strength -- absolute, uncompromising clarity of vision -- is also their greatest liability.

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Is Mollie planning to: Specialize? I just took my 14-year-old pup to the vet who said she needed to see a freakin' cardiologist! Since when are there doggie cardiologists?

And apparently the money may be elsewhere. When I was leaving I was given a brochure advertising that I could -- for a stiff fee -- have my dog's DNA CHECKED!?! Whatthehell?

Gene Weingarten: Excuse me. I find all of this enormously appropriate, and think every dog should have his or her personal cardiologist, neurologist, etc. My daughter is about to be a vet.

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Atlanta, Ga.: Hmmm, who are YOU voting for, Gene? And who do you think will win?

Gene Weingarten: Obama. Obama.

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Rockville, Md.: Not Hillary. Zippy is known for exact backgrounds - even to the Cider Stand on 355 north of Gaithersburg. I bet it is an exact drawing of a real object.

Gene Weingarten: See next post.

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Mens Wear Dept, Tysons Corner: Regarding your instant poll today: did you ask Griffy about his intentions? There is no listing of a real roadside attraction for the January 7 strip on Griffy's web site.

Gene Weingarten: And no, didn't ask Griffy.

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Silver Spring, Md.: "Wouldn't that be a simpler system for the United States? If you wanted to run for president, your name has to rhyme with Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, or Roosevelt?"

Andy Rooney had a similar piece on 60 Minutes Sunday, although his was much more racially offensive.

Gene Weingarten: He talked about Georgian names???? Please tell me no.

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New York, N.Y.: Do you think that, generally speaking, organizations that refuse to compromise their principles always end up hurting themselves by allowing moderates to classify them as radical organizations?

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I suspect so. But it depends on the degree of refusal.

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Alexandria, BS: Gene:

I had a dream last night where I was at work pantsless. To my knowledge I've never had a dream of this nature before. I'm reading "All The President's Men" right now so it was some kind of Washington Post-y type of workplace, although there was no one I recognized.

Instead of being embarrassed when I realized it, I checked to make sure my underpants were of an acceptable quality to be showing (one of my granny-style pairs, but no holes or stains), and then I expressed annoyance at my coworker for being concerned about it.

What say you?

Gene Weingarten: Here is what I say: I have had a few dreams of a similar, but far more humiliating nature. Deeply disturbing, actually. I shared the details of these with Lizzie, who spent several days harassing me about it. The only reason she will not share it with all of you -- and she will not -- is that I know stuff about her that I have not disclosed. This is the principle of mutually assured destruction. Our secrets are forever safe.

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New York, N.Y.: So, is Molly contemplating a specialty? Please say psychology.

Gene Weingarten: Eating disorders and hypochondria.

Hahaha. She is going to specialize in small-animal emergency medicine.

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Hillary's "Emotion": The question was planted, and the response was rehearsed.

The only real emotion she'll ever show is when she realizes she won't get to be president. The lamps are gonna fly...

Gene Weingarten: Hahaha.

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Alexandria, Va.: What is the largest number of different animal species who have been harmed or exploited for a single meal that you've eaten? I think I'm at 5.

Gene Weingarten: A single meal. Hm. Five is a lot. How do you get there? Describe the meal.

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Gaithersburg, Md.: Bringing up PETA may be the time for me to share my theory that most dog owners don't REALLY love dogs. If they did, they wouldn't own one. Why do I say this? Because of my mother. She really loved dogs but we never had one. She said that she only liked large dogs and they need a place to run and they didn't have that in the suburbs. I consider her the last true dog lover I ever knew because I've lived in the city or the suburbs all my life (except 2 years of college) and no dog owner I've ever met seems to think there is anything wrong with keeping their dog shut inside the house/apartment 23 and 1/2 hours a day (if not 24). I know that's why dog owners want dog parks but it is still a limited amount of freedom. It's like my daughter's pet hamster- yes it got to run around in it's hamster ball for 10 minutes a day, but it still spent the rest of it's life in a cage. And yes, I found the whole thing so wrong we never got another pet. And something else I forgot to mention: the fact that dogs are pack animals and they are often left completely alone all day- no wonder they destroy things. And I'm the one from Gaithersburg who hates PETA.

Gene Weingarten: You will be surprised to know, then, that you and PETA agree on this last subject. PETA envisions an idyllic future with no pet ownership. But in the meantime, they want pets to be treated as well as possible.

Now, I happen to believe that it is possible to have a dog and treat your dog so well that, on balance, your dog has a terrific life. Dogs naturally snooze a lot.

I am home with Murphy a lot of the day, every day. Murphy gets hour-long runs with other dogs in 40-acre Congressional Cemetery at least four times a week. Murphy eats well, and often. Murphy is beloved by our neighbors and is treated like royalty on walks. Murphy sleeps between the Rib and me, occasionally waking us in the middle of the night because she wishes to stretch.

In short, I don't buy that the owning of a dog means the mistreatment of a dog.

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New York, N.Y.: What classifies a "small animal?" Terrier? Squirrel? Hamster? Do people even bring hamsters to the vet?

Gene Weingarten: My good friend Caitlin once brought her guinea pig to the vet for eye surgery. She could not afford what she spent for that.

Small animal practice is basically cats and dogs, and the occasional wheel rat.

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Greater Green Bay:: Do you see an echo of 1972 in the New Hampshire events of this week? Ed Muskie (Hilary), once the heavy frontrunner, crying in New Hampshire and fading in the race as upstart George McGovern (Obama) moves in to take the lead?

Gene Weingarten: She didn't cry! She was completely in control. She made the terrible mistake of looking .... wistful.

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Silver Spring, Md.: "He talked about Georgian names???? Please tell me no."

No, he said Obama, Giuliani, etc., weren't Presidential -- i.e., not American enough for him.

Gene Weingarten: Oh, good.

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Gene Weingarten: Actually, I heard that! It was insane. Wildly ethnist. He's gotta go, really.

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Because I know you would answer this as honestly as possible...: My husband was on the phone talking to his MALE friend (and judging by his end of the conversation he wasn't listening to a racy story or anything) but he was visibly AROUSED. I am not sure how to feel about this... is my husband bisexual and in denial? Help me with this.

Gene Weingarten: Relax. Anything can arouse a guy. So don't worry. He might just have been thinking about his mistress, or something.

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New York, N.Y.: Does Murphy have a favorite headstone he likes to piddle on?

Gene Weingarten: She's a girl. Girls don't aim.

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Washington, D.C.: What is wrong with people? McCain got visibly angry at Romney during the Youtube debate, when Romney made a fool of himself on a question about torture, and that didn't get nearly as much scrutiny or generate as much dismay as Clinton's voice cracking for, like, two seconds.

Gene Weingarten: I know. It's ridiculous and sexist.

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16th and M Streets, NW: After I saw videos of how farmers under contract to KFC treat chickens, I never ate there again. It's been almost four years now. If that's PETA at work, then go PETA!

Gene Weingarten: It is PETA at work.

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If there are no pets...: What happens to dogs and cats? Do the species die out? Do we marry them? Do we take them all and turn them loose on an island somewhere? Don't people think these things through?

Gene Weingarten: Dogs and cats slowly die out. The whole concept of "pets" dies out.

I know, I know. They lose me there, too.

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New York, N.Y.: On the subject of names that "sound American,": Huckabee - American sounding or goofy sounding?

Gene Weingarten: Goofy. It's one of those names that sounds like an illiteracy, an ignorance. Like a misspelling of Hucklebee. Which is also goofy. In the Wapo today there is a man named Driskill. Same thing. Misspelling.

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Washington, D.C.: As a graduate of DC public schools, I'd like to respond to this comment from your last chat: Washington, D.C.: If you can afford to live in Bethesda, but cannot/do not want to pay for private schools for your children, it is utterly irresponsible and selfish to live in Washington, D.C., because you find it more "interesting." If this is really the case you should not have children. The difference between the Montgomery County public schools and the District of Columbia public schools is so great that it is laughable. No child who could go in MoCo should be forced to go in D.C.

Gene, I graduated from Banneker High School. My siblings graduated from Wilson High School. (And I feel it is necessary to say that I'm white.) I would venture to say that our educations were at least on par, if not better, than those we would have received in Montgomery County schools or private schools. I'm not saying that all of our teachers were great, I had my share of stinkers, but I guarantee that a number of bad teachers can be found in any school system -- or even any school -- in the country.

Look at the Post's own Challenge Index (http://projects.washingtonpost.com/challengeindex/local/). Banneker ranked 25th and Wilson 20th among local high schools. Bannker is consistently among the top high schools in the country according to Newsweek. Montgomery County schools ranked lower than both Wilson and Banneker in the Challenge Index include: Montgomery Blair, Springbrook, Rockville, Einstein, Blake, Paint Branch, Northwest, Sherwood, Quince Orchard, Wheaton, Seneca Valley, and Damascus. Dare I say that Kennedy High School, in the mighty Montgomery County school system, ranked 116th in the Challenge Index? And I may be hypocritical here, but there's no way I'd send a kid of mine to Gaithersburg High School.

I'm not saying that all DC schools are as good as all Montgomery County schools. I would be foolish to say so. However, it is possible to get a good education in public schools in this city, as in any city.

Gene Weingarten: Thanks. We really broad-brushed that, didn't we?

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Politic, AL: What is this, Achenbach and Barry schlep up to N.H. and you stick around here? Have you lost all interest in the (usually unintentional) humorous harangues from the horde of hacks? It's not even cold up there right now! Lightweight!

P.S. Whadda ya think about Clemens?

Gene Weingarten: They both love the insanity of the political process. Not me, so much.

I think Clemens has, uh, balls. He is going to go before Congrss and testify that he never took steroids, knowing that his former trainer is going to say he did. He also knows that in a "he-said, he-said" situation, most law authorities would not charge perjury. He probably also knows that his good friend, Andy Pettitte, is not going to remember under oath if Roger ever told him he took steroids. He wants Coopertown, and he's risking five years in jail to get it.

That's my take.

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Remove, IT: I am very disappointed in Molly's lack of alliteration in your cell phone label. Just sayin'..

Gene Weingarten: She is a scientist. She was being technically proficient.

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Exploitatlicio, US: Easy -- I make seafood chowder with tilapia, shrimp, crab, clams, crab, butter, bacon...

Gene Weingarten: Ah, right. I didn't consider that. I thought of fish and seafood as separate inclusive categories.

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Mr. Potatohead as a gauge of who's the best candidate: Hi Gene,

What did you think of the young guy in Iowa toting his Mr. Potatohead with him, and cajoling candidates into posing with it? We got a great laugh over breakfast at the photos, and a good discussion about what, if anything, of value the pictures told us. As a Dem & Independent, we both agreed McCain and Obama looked the most like they actually had fun with it (especially McCain, cheesing it up), and we thought it fair to say this shows they've got a better sense of humor than the others. We then wondered what, if anything, that says about their ability to lead, as it lends to being flexible. I (the Dem) concluded it said zip about leadership, but my Independent partner thinks it says a lot, and gave him another factor to consider in choosing a candidate. What say you?

Gene Weingarten: I think it shows a lack of pomposity, and that's a very good trait for a president to have. It's not THAT important, however, because Bush is not pompous either.

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I can do 6!: Turducken (3 birds) stuffed with pork (4) sausage, deep-fried in lard (5), with a nice salad (6-bees to pollinate the plants).

Gene Weingarten: Seven: Cut boiled egg into the salad.

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16th and M, NW: If there are to be no pets, what is supposed to happen to the millions of existing domestic dogs and cats? Are they supposed to turn feral? Or just that their numbers will plummet once we turn them out to fend for themselves? I don't get it. BTW, I once bought a book about "how to make your cat love you more" by one Ingrid Newkirk. As I read things like "never take a vacation again since your cat hates to travel and will also hate any arangement you make including a cat sitter", I thought, what a loon. Turns out she was a founder of PETA.

Gene Weingarten: Their numbers will slowly diminish as The People Of The World stop wanting pets.

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Hitting Ho, ME: Your poll today is perfectly timely. Our family just acquired another dog yesterday (our third). We had to look long and hard--all of our dogs are from shelters, but this time my wife wanted a particular breed. And we have little kids, so we couldn't just take the first one that came along. We were tempted to go to a breeder, but ultimately the wait was worth it and we found one at a local shelter. We have a happy, wiggly young dog that will fit in well with our family, and we stuck with the shelter search.

I think PETA are borderline terrorists on some issues, but I am 100 percent behind these ads.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, the poll.

I like both of these ads, and consider them both highly effective, even though they are both at least somewhat assaultive and insulting to actual humans.

Don't say it; I hear you. You are shouting that if they are assaultive and insulting, they are, perforce, ineffective, except you probably didn't say "perforce." I hear ya. But disagree.

These ads make you react to them. They make you debate the issue, with yourself or others, and I contend that is exactly what PETA wants you to do.

Now, are they fair? Kinda. I disagree with you guys on which one is fairer. I find the first one a little too broadbrush: If a responsible pet owner chooses to not spay or neuter his pet, it doesn't mean he allows it to run wild and procreate, and dump the offspring on the streets or in shelters. I think Bruce Friedrich of PETA will argue that many, many people do just that, and this is directed at them. To me, there is a bit of a logical disconnect here.

I find the dead dog one outrageous, objectionable, insulting, not nice, foul, mean, sanctimonious, bodacious and basically fair. It's a harsh point, but it's literally true, and it's genuinely what PETA believes. Thousands of dogs are killed every day in pounds. If you want a dog, you are going to get one. If you choose to buy one from a breeder instead of taking one from a pound, statistically speaking, you are doing what PETA says you are doing.

I know, I know. It's your right, how dare they make you feel bad about it, etc. And yes: This argument is like saying that if you birth your own child instead of adopting, you are consigning a child to an orphanage or foster care. The thing is, that's ALSO literally true, but I would argue that choosing to have one's own biological child is not so clearly an act of vanity as is getting a purebred dog.

I would also point out that it is very, very possible, and not very hard, to find a purebred dog at a shelter. As evidence, please see this photo of Murphy, and the linked photo of a purebred Plott Hound.

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It was my dog and: ...emergency IS where the money is. While I'm very grateful to have my dog still, the bill for the emergency treatment was STIFF. However, minus the gunshot victims, tho' lord knows there are some of those, a vet emergency room and waiting area look amazingly similar to human emergency rooms. Kinda freaky.

Gene Weingarten: For a vet, a major emergency hospital is a really exciting place to be. You save LOTS of lives every day.

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Zoos Too?: Gene, since PETA is a big part of today's chat, I have to ask; how do you feel about zoos? I, myself, haven't been able to go to one since I read Slaughterhouse Five at the age of 13. And if the guy that was mauled by the lion at the SF Zoo was taunting it prior to the attack, I kind of applaud the lion's response.

Gene Weingarten: Molly hates zoos. I am coming around to her point of view.

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Roger: Don't you think that it is suspicious that Clemens is filing the lawsuit now? It could make it so he can't testify before congress due to "ongoing legal proceedings". It would also prevent his trainer from testifying. Is this a possibility or just me being cynical?

Gene Weingarten: Ooooh. Can a lawyer weigh in on this?

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Zen master: A Zen master was selling hot dogs. A wise guy hands him ten dollars and says "Make me one with everything". So the Zen master makes him a hot dog. "What about my change?" says the wise guy. "Change comes from within." replied the master.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Veriz,ON: To reset the banner on your smell phone:

Main Menu->Tools->Display->Banner->Personal Banner

A edit screen should appear. You now have the opportunity to revise the banner to read, "I roll in feces."

You're welcome.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Raleigh, N.C.: I wanted to apprise you of the following depressing sentence on the front page of the section our comics are in, in the Raleigh N & O. "Cathy's coming back, as are Drabble and Hagar!" How will they ever make this betrayal up to me?

Gene Weingarten: Omigod.

How can the same newspaper that chooses to carry my column choose to do something as humor-impaire as that.

Hagar the Horrible has not had an actual joke in it since 1973.

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Anonym, US: Gene, I don't know why I think you can help with this, but I do.

Over the past seven years, it's become more and more clear that my mother is mentally ill. Not being a doctor, I can't diagnose her, but she has massive mood swings, becomes verbally abusive, and has major problems relating to acquaintances and other members of the family. I am an only child, and my dad seems to be in denial. Mom has no close friends, doesn't work, and is isolated from the rest of her family.

My mom thinks she's too clever for therapy, and won't discuss going. She prefers to focus on other people's "issues" (dad needs to lose weight, I need to get a new job, whatever) and refuses to talk through her problems. On the other hand, she is constantly hysterical or manic, then severely depressed.

This is straining my relationship with her, and I want to help her and my dad. I'm wrestling with a lot--what are my obligations? How much abuse do I have to take? What can I do to get through to my dad? What if no one can help my mom?

I feel really angry and sad about this.

Gene Weingarten: You know, there are physical problems such as atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries in the brain) that can cause this sort of mood swings in older people. Can you contrive to get your mom to her GP for some physical, not mental, reason -- and talk to the doctor in advance?

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Seattle, Wash.: I'm really sort of an Obama guy (though not yet fully committed), but MAN this thing about Hillary's wistfulness bugs me.

Just a couple days ago, I heard a radio jock say how Hillary struck him as robotic, and everybody calling in fully agreed. Now she shows some sort of emotion and she's a melt-down waiting to happen?

WTF.

Gene Weingarten: WTF is that she is a woman. I am not a fan, but this is just ridiculous.

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Washigton, D.C.: Actually, PETA's biggest liability isn't "absolute, uncompromising clarity of vision." It's that they're terrorists.

They've driven several indiginous species (most notably the European river otter) to the brink of extinction by releasing farmed mink into non-native environments. When called on it, they say that it's "natural" for the mink to out-compete the local species. Some animal lovers.

They also trash research facilities and burn down buildings, they've killed people (inadvertantly, but other terrorist groups don't get to use "we thought the building was empty" as a defense). This is all quite enough for the terrorist label, but it's really the thought of an "animal rights" group that knowingly takes actions that are leading to the extinction of species that really makes me hate them with such passion.

Gene, you're right about nearly everything. You're right about religion, and gay marriage, and the Republicans, and chicken thighs, and lobster claws. But the only thing you're more wrong about than dark chocolate is PETA. Wake up and smell the napalm, Gene. These guys are terrorists. Nothing more, nothing less.

There are plenty of real, legitimate animal rights and conservation organizations out there that don't launch terrorist attacks and aren't actively working for the extinction of inconvenient species. Their spokespeople may not be as funny in columns, but any of them would certainly be more worthy of your support.

Gene Weingarten: Good god.

Friedrich, you out there? Respond, calmly and concisely.

(washingtonpost.com: Bruce Friedrich called Gene after the discussion. His response is below.)

Gene Weingarten: Er, Bruce Friedrich called to point out, quite correctly, that this post is completely outrageous and wrong. I thought that was obvious when I first posted it, but lest there be any doubt: Allegations that PETA is a terrorist organization guilty of acts of violence and such are blatantly untrue. As I've said throughout the chat, I think they are entirely principled, and agree with their positions on almost everything.

Gene Weingarten: And here's Bruce's official response -- PETA is just a bunch of people who believe that you shouldn't treat any animal differently from how you treat your dog or cat, assuming you treat your dog or cat like a member of the family. I am representative: I grew up in Minnesota and Oklahoma, went to a small college in Iowa, ran a soup kitchen and homeless shelter for six years before coming to PETA. We get top marks for how we manage our money, and our President and Founder makes just over 30,000/year, and was Washingtonian of the year in 1980 for cleaning up the animal shelter there. She is probably the kindest and most compassionate person you will ever meet; she is more dedicated to making the world a kinder place, even at the risk of others finding her objectionable, than anyone I've ever met. There's a good HBO documentary about her and PETA that just came out last month, "I am an animal." Check it out, and check out our Web site, www.PETA.org. And if you want a closer look, we're always looking for volunteers¿for a day, week, month, whatever. The KFC campaign has put chickens onto the moral map. We've reached tens of millions of people (or hundreds of millions) with the message that cruelty to chickens matters. The campaign has put chicken cruelty onto all the evening news shows, every major paper in the country at least a half dozen times (the Post and NYT about 15 times each), the New Yorker, CNN about 50 times, and so on. So KFC hasn't budged much, but a lot of people now know that the treatment of chickens in this country is just horrible, and many are changing their eating habits as a result. I suspect that our KFC campaign is, also, part of the reason Burger King, McDonald's, Smithfield, and others are working with us in a very positive manner.

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Moniker Vomit: Gene,

I have here the 10 most popular boys' and girls' names of 2007:

Girls: 1. Sophia 2. Isabella 3. Emma 4. Madison 5. Ava 6. Addison 7. Hailey 8. Emily 9. Kaitlyn 10. Olivia

On the bright side, Madison, while still on the list, is not the most popular name. But the only name here that I would ever consider using for my own child is Emily. Seriously, Addison? For real?

Boys: 1. Aiden 2. Ethan 3. Jacob 4. Jayden 5. Caleb 6. Noah 7. Jackson 8. Jack 9. Logan

10. Matthew

As expected, the boys' names aren't quite as repulsive as the girls'. But Jayden is simply inexcusable. It's worse than Addison. Hell, it's worse than Madison. It can't be possible that Jayden is more popular now that Britney Spears has named her child that, can it? I'm also pretty sick of this Logan crap.

That is all. Your thoughts?

Gene Weingarten: You know my thoughts.

Where the heck did Ava come from?

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Poll interpretati, ON: Perhaps the responses to the poll are shaped by responses to the ads. The obnoxiousness of the second ad undercuts the fairness of its point. Which would seem to call into question, again, the effectiveness of the ad and of PETA's tactics in general.

Gene Weingarten: See, I find both ads REALLY entertaining. I am not personally offended by either.

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An Inconvenient Year: No offense to you, Gene, but why can't you be more like Dave Barry?

Gene Weingarten: Because I am not as funny.

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Washington, D.C.: You forgot the most important part of the poll! The first PETA video was HILARIOUS!! Who cares if it's effective?

Gene Weingarten: I think they're both funny. To me, the second one subversively declares its humor when the girl says "I don't want to kill a dog!"

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Arlington, Va.: Gene,

Has being a father changed any beliefs that you may have strongly held when you were younger? I ask because I am currently 8 months pregnant and I used to be fervently pro-choice, however having sat through upwards of five ultrasounds (there were some minor difficulties at the beginning) and watching the development of this child, it has definitely softened my opinion on when life begins. I'm curious as to what else I may expect a little further down the road after the baby is born.

Gene Weingarten: Depends on how much sleep your baby allows you. If he or she is like Molly, you may rethink your rethinkage of pro-choice.

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RE: Purebred: What is the deal with purebred dogs anyway? Isn't that just a status symbol since most purebreds have more health issues? It's like the guy who needs a family car, yet buys a Lamborghini.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, in part. They do have more health issues, in general. But they also tend to guarantee you a certain personality trait. Labs are the nicest dogs on earth. They also can't tolerate dysplasia medicine, so die quicker if their hips go. etc.

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Re: Zoos: Finally someone else hates zoos! I've always thought that zoos are really depressing. The animals look sad being locked up, and there just is something off about the whole experience. If it was something more like a wildlife preserve I think I'd enjoy it much more. And I get a weird planet of the apes vibe when I go by the ape house...

Gene Weingarten: PETA hates zoos.

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Dept. of Redundancy Dept.: I can do 6!: Turducken (3 birds) stuffed with pork (4) sausage, deep-fried in lard (5), with a nice salad (6-bees to pollinate the plants).

Gene Weingarten: Seven: Cut boiled egg into the salad.

One of the birds in the Turducken is a chicken. Or are you secretly pro-life, counting the aborted egg as a separate species?

Gene Weingarten: It was a quail egg.

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Names: I contend that Ava and Addison arrived on that list courtesy of Grey's Anatomy, sinlge-handedly.

Gene Weingarten: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Right.

Boy, people are idiots. Same thing with Madison. From "Splash."

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Isabel, LA?: In researching my family tree, I found that more than half of my female relatives were named Isabella or Isabelle. It was apparently a very popular name in Scotland in the 18th and 19th centuries. I had been considering it as a name for my own hypothetical children -- should I be turned off by its popularity?

Gene Weingarten: I dunno. It would bother me. Achenbach's middle daughter is Isabella. I think she's 13 now. When she happened, there were no Isabellas.

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My Cat: A couple of years ago I had a cat with a sore on her paw. After $800 worth of tests, treatments and Xrays I was told the sore was a type of cancer. The treatment involved surgery followed by radiation therapy. The cost was going to run into the thousands of dollars. I had my cat euthanized. The vet tech tried to talk me into financing the treatment, when I refused she insisted on praying with me over my cat. I'm pretty pragmatic where animals are concerned, so I figured I'd spend enough on this cat already. what would you have done? Oh, and I'm an athiest, so the whole praying over the cat thing creaped me out.

Gene Weingarten: The vet had no right to do that.

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Not a stalker: Gene! I think I saw you at Metro Center over the holiday. I wanted to say hi, but I didn't because if it WAS you, I reasoned you and I would have to ride for another eight or so awkward stops after I said hi and we'd run out of things to say. So instead I sat in my seat and tried not to look at you and spent my trip to Eastern Market thinking of all the witty things I could have said. I couldn't really come up with anything, because I'd been at work all day and my brain had already shut off.

If you were me and you saw one of your favorite people on the Metro, what would you have done?

Gene Weingarten: Did I get off at Eastern Market? Because, you know... probably me, then.

Did you have any vegetables? I like it when people give me vegetables.

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Newnan, GA: Gene, in a chat several weeks ago you stated that bathroom exhaust fans were designed to be loud in order to mask other bathroom sounds. If this is true, which I dont belive it is, why then are kitchen exhaust fans loud as well. Is it to cover up the skrieks lobsters make when dropped into boiling water?

washingtonpost.com: My house was recently renovated and the bathroom fans are QUIET. It's horrible.

Gene Weingarten: There is no question that this is the main purpose. Sound confusion.

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Gene Weingarten: Important notice: Lizzie has left the chat. She is replaced by Paul. Her parting words: "No tampons, gentlemen."

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Splash?: But that was over 20 years ago! How could that piece of fluff have such staying power?

Gene Weingarten: I know.

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Virginia: Dear Gene,

Thank you for directing me to those commercials. I've had a hard time in the past trying to reconcile the fact that I know of nice people in PETA with their hateful, bullying tactics. They may all be decent people but the group comes off as a human being hating mob. I can't support putting every other animal above humans. Kindness, yes. Self-hating people, NO!

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Gene Said: "If you want a dog, you are going to get one. If you choose to buy one from a breeder instead of taking one from a pound, statistically speaking, you are doing what PETA says you are doing."

If I don't get a dog from a breeder, I won't get a dog at all. Why? I want to meet both parents and look at its pedigree. While not foolproof, temperment, intelligence, and health problems are all carried from one generation to another. At least to some extent.

No matter how much "testing" a shelter has done there is no way they can tell what the dog will be like. It's all just a crap shoot.

PETA's stance on this is wrong.

Gene Weingarten: I hear you. But there's something to be said for taking a chance rather than being a fan of ... eugenics.

Sorry. Your position is defensible, but this is not black and white.

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Chicago: That "change is a two-way street" joke from the beginning of the chat sounds suspiciously like an old SNL commercial for the Bank of Change.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, I recognized that. Thought everyone did.

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What's Wrong with Emma?: Other than Jennifer Aniston's character using it on Friends, perfectly good name with a great history - my grandmother's middle name, til she changed it to "Emily" to be trendy, back in the 20's or 30's. Ava - some celebrity's child is named Ava, maybe Reese Witherspoon.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, wasn't Jennifer ... Rachel? I guess not.... I was not a fan of the show, but... no?

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RE: Baby Names: Best baby name, ever: Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette (Penn Jillette's offspring).

Gene Weingarten: I like Moxie.

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Arlington, Va.: I've voted Republican in every election for the last 30 years and have gone to church every Sunday for the better part of my 50 years on Earth. But that being said, I have a new benchmark. I need a President that believes in evolution. Its mindboggling to me, just absolute lunacy.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, I'm with you. A minimum benchmark.

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Alexandria, Va.: Lizzie has left the chat? Does that mean she's no longer your producer, or did she just duck out early today? In any case, hello to Paul.

washingtonpost.com: Just ducked out early. Don't kid about her leaving the chat for good.

Gene Weingarten: She couldn't handle that, emotionally.

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Austin, Tex.: Was "No tampons, gentlemen." a warning to you, or a clarification on why Liz needed to leave?

washingtonpost.com: There was...an incident last time I produced.

Gene Weingarten: Yes. There was. A famous incident involving tampons and pooping. AND THAT;S ALL WE SHALL SAY.

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Adoption: I have heard people argue just the opposite. That if you are biologically able to have kids and you adopt you are "stealing" an infertile couple's baby.

Gene Weingarten: Wow. Interesting.

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Rooney was being a Jackass: He said our current candidates basically suck because they don't have presidential sounding names.

Gene Weingarten: And he was basically defining Presidential sounding as Wasp names.

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Obama: But, why? I'm still undecided and not too enthused about him, but you could sway my opinion.

Gene Weingarten: Because he is smart, sane, progressive and has the ability to inspire people. And because he will beat whatever the Goppers throw out there.

And because he is not Hillary, who would lose to almost any Republican.

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Over-the-top? you decide.: One of my dear friends has an elaborate backyard set-up with two coi ponds, snacking stations for wild snakes, etc. It's beautiful. Anyway he told me recently that he is taking his pet turtle (which lives in one of the ponds) to the vet routinely for injections to treat its throat cancer. I starting coughing to cover laughter. i am an animal lover, but unlike a dog or cat, a turtle doesn't "give back" much. Anyway, he looked perturbed at my giggling and added, "This vet is wonderful. Last year she euthanized my frog." ???

Gene Weingarten: I am laughing, but, you know, a pet is a pet. You are responsible for it.

I would pay to keep a turtle alive.

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Rachel's Baby Name: Rachel named her baby Emma.

Gene Weingarten: Ohhhhhh.

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Alexandria, Va.: Joe Gibbs resigning is just another symptom of the NFL moving towards technological singularity.

Gene Weingarten: I feel I cannot opine on Gibbs. I know less than most of you about the Skins.

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Tampons and pooping: And that was the BEST CHAT EVER!

Gene Weingarten: Many times, Paul and I have gotten drunk and reminisced about it.

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Towson, Md.: My wife wanted to consider Ava as a name for our child born in 2007. I said no due to the whole Ava Braun thing. She looked at me like I was insane.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, Eva. Pronounced Ava. But maybe you knew that.

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Girls named Madison: Every time I meet a child named Madison I ask the parents if their son is named Lexington

Gene Weingarten: Riddle: Complete the blank --


Sixth, Seventh, xxxxxxx, Eighth.

Ans: Broadway.

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Wait, hang on: Which candidate doesn't believe in evolution? Huckabee?

Gene Weingarten: I believe several of the Republicans expressed some reservations, no?

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Stup, ID: The ACTUAL Plott Hound looks smarter. I think if you trace Murphy back a few generations you are going to find an Irish Setter in there.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahaha.

I think the dummest breed is the afghan.

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Rockville, MD: "Euthanize My Frog" would be a great name for a rock band.

Gene Weingarten: It would be.

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Baby Names: I mentioned to my mother the other day that I really like the name Birdie if I ever had a girl. She thought it was insane. She went into work at the VA the next day and a woman came in looking for benefits. Her name: Birdie. My mom couldn't believe it.

My question is, do you think naming a kid a unique name will damage them down the road? I think it will only make them stronger. My name, Amber, was unique 25 years ago, but now it's quite a popular name for strippers. I'm thinking about changing jobs.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, Amber is bad. It's like Mystique or something.

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Gene Weingarten: Okay, time to go.

There will be no updates this week, and there may be no updates ever again. This is because ALTHOUGH THIS CHAT WILL REMAIN FOREVER A CHAT AND NOT A BLOG, at some point soon it will become a daily event, with a daily discussion group begun by me and then furiously threaded by you.

The Post wants to find an intriguing name for this discussion group, akin to Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood (used by Eugene Robinson.)

I suggested "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood," but they didn't think this was a good idea. So I am putting it out to you: Suggest a Name. Send suggestions to me at weingarten(at)washpost.com.

See you next week.

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