DAILY UPDATES: 1.23.08 | 1.24.08 | 1.25.08

Gene Weingarten's humor column, Below the Beltway, appears every Sunday in The Washington Post magazine. It is syndicated nationally by the Washington Post Writers Group.

At one time or another, Below the Beltway has managed to offend persons of both sexes as well as individuals belonging to every religious, ethnic, regional, political and socioeconomic group. If you know of a group we have missed, please write in and the situation will be promptly rectified. "Rectified" is a funny word.

On Tuesdays at noon, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is updated regularly throughout the week, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

This Week's Polls: Take the first poll based on your age, then the second based on gender. (The questions are different.)

Door 1: 34 and Younger| Door 2: 35 and Older

Door 3: Women| Door 4: Men

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death" and co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca.

New to Chatological Humor? Read the FAQ.

P.S. If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them out. -- Liz

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Gene Weingarten: Good afternoon.

Did you see the debates last night? Now we're cookin'!

Obama: When I was working with poor people on the streets of Chicago, you were sitting on the corporate board of Wal-Mart!

Clinton: While I was passing important legislation, you were performing oral sex on slumlords in Chicago!

Edwards: Uh, I'm opposed to global warming.

Obama: All you were "passing" was gas.

Clinton: Scumball.

Obama: Your husband's yo pimp!

Clinton: C'mere you pansy, and let's see what you're made of.

Edwards: I'm for universal health care.

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Gonna be a relatively short intro today; I want to see for once what will happen if most people can actually read the whole chat in real time, not racing to catch up by the final word. I hope you all read Brigid Schulte's excellent story on Morgellen's Disease in the mag: Figments of the Imagination?. What do we all think about this? Because I know what I think. That's onaconna I wrote a whole book on hypochondria.

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I want to thank Lori Lantzy for spotting this excellent page.

And also Ron Precup, for this odd but interesting piece of information:

"Did you notice, in your updates, that the spokesman for the theater that took down the word "Vagina" in The Vagina Monologues is named Bryce Pfanenstiel? A Pfannenstiel incision is the first cut made when performing a C-section."

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Please take today's poll. Apologies to the roughly 8 percent of you who remain virgins: This had to have been a boring and at least mildly exasperating exercise for you.

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For the second week in a row, we have a truly terrific CPOW. Check out Sunday's Lio. Yes, it is almost sacrilege, which is what makes it great. First Runner-Up is Sunday's Sherman's Lagoon. Honorables: Sunday's Pickles, Monday's Nonseq.

Look at Monday's and today's Doonesbury. It is possible we are witnessing the start of a great sequence. Back when I was hanging with Trudeau, he was trying to figure out how to deal with one of the most heartbreaking and least understood casualties of this war: traumatic brain injury. After doing some fieldwork, he's apparently ready. That's quite a brilliant first day, isn't it?

Speaking of brilliant, and what isn't, my son pointed out that Saturday's Beetle Bailey might be the worst strip ever published. I think he's right!

Okay, let's go.

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Undressing: I wasn't sure on the "How important is undressing question" if you meant how important is it that you're nekkid during sex, or how important is it that you do a whole undressing thing as part of the warm-up. Or was there a third meaning?

Gene Weingarten: It was the second. You are the second person to express the same confusion over this. Was this unclear?

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Gee Street, NW, Washington, D.C.: Gene, your Sunday column has me wondering if you and Tom have prepared for the significant spike in fame level that "Old Dogs" is inevitably going to bring you. People LOVE dogs, books about dogs, people who write books about dogs, etc. Just look at that "Travels with Marley" (or whatever it was called) guy. You are going to be so famous that I fear you'll stop chatting, writing, returning our calls, etc. Are you ready for this???

Gene Weingarten: Cool! Will I also be rich?

washingtonpost.com: The Fame Threshold, ( Post Magazine, Jan. 20)

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Under 34-year-old Man: God, I hope people are lying in their poll answers today.

Gene Weingarten: Uh, these answers seem pretty close to my expectations? Which answers are giving you anxiety? Are you a five-minute man???

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Gene Weingarten: I think people are being very honest: The numbers for the fantasize question make that very clear.

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Washington, D.C.: My name brings up 247 hits. I am less infinitely less popular than cow tipping, considerably less popular than seal clubbing, significantly less popular than yak hunting, and almost exactly half as popular as nun watching. Really making me feel popular today, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Nicely googled.

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Rockville, Md.: Gene,

We missed an important anniversary last week. January 16 was the birthday of Anthony Hecht, co-inventor of the double dactyl.

Gene Weingarten: What is particularly disturbing is that his Wikipedia entry mentions his birthing of the dactyl only in the last line, as a throwaway. They spend waaay too much time on his works of lesser importance and gravity, such as his Holocaust poetry.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, here goes....

Higgledy Piggledy

Anthony Hecht, who could

Write about death in words

Epic yet warm,

Went to his own with some

Counterintuitive

Logic; his legacy's

This stupid form.

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Poll Explanation: I'd like to explain my poll results. I am working mother in my late 40s, my husband is about my age. We had sex several times a week when we first met (close to 15 years ago.) That rate dropped significantly as a result of familiarity, and years of fertility treatments followed by a baby, who is now in elementary school. Since he was born, we have had sex a little more than once a week. The difference is that now it is an enormous production -- special dressing, extended foreplay, special words and talking. It is fantastic, but given how tight our schedules are, it is difficult to do this more than once a week on a regular basis. We talk about having quickies, but neither of us really enjoys them any more. (I do wonder if we would enjoy them with someone else.) We have also discussed how both of our sex drives have diminished over the years, and that what would be exciting about meeting someone else is not the actual sex, but being able to talk about ourselves with someone who might be listening raptly.

Gene Weingarten: Your situation sounds pretty ... normal.

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Maryland: I need some medical expertise, but rising health care costs have forced me to consult you instead.

I've always had a sensitive nose, but lately I've felt more like a bloodhound than a human being. I'm always catching the faintest whiffs of something or another, often smells I encountered days ago. I'm wondering if these are olfactory hallucinations at this point.

I've also been really run down and voraciously hungry. I've gained more weight than I think I should have, even given my increased appetite, and I've gotten quite puffy too. And I know, I know, but unless I've come down with a pernicious case of immaculate conception or selective amnesia, I'm not pregnant.

So Gene, should I worry?

Gene Weingarten: You should not worry, but you should see a doc and get bloodwork done.

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Celebrity Appreciations: I noticed that Bobby Fischer had an essay written about him in the Style section and that's fine. What I wonder about is how the decision is made to offer an "Appreciation" for recently deceased famous folks. I would imagine that some are controversial because of a supposed lack of contribution, lack of talent, or antisocial offsets to a life in the limelight. Does it just take one Style writer to decide on an "Appreciation" or is it an editorial, with much high-level discussion, decision? Give us a peek into the Style starchamber.

washingtonpost.com: Bobby Fischer: A Life of Checks Without Balance, ( Post, Jan. 19)

Gene Weingarten: Some appreciations must be done, and are instantly assigned at the moment the death is known. Katharine Hepburn HAD to be appreciated by the Style section. But most appreciations tend to happen haphazardly, when a writer feels a special emotional connection to a death.

Appreciations are treated reverentially, almost mystically, by the Style section. When I first arrived at The Post as a Style editor, I suggested to Shales that he write one in advance, so it didn't have to be a deadline proposition. (I forget who the appreciation was to be for -- someone very old and in ill health.) This suggested was met with stony silence, as though I had crepitated in the confessional. Later, it was gently explained to me -- by someone else -- that Mr. Shales and others believed appreciations had to be a work of the moment, informed by the rush of emotion and flow of ideas precipitated by news of the death.

I never made this suggestion again.

I believe the only appreciation I ever wrote for The Post was in the sports section, when Catfish Hunter died. It was an odd little piece, probably overwritten (appreciations so often are, informed as they are by the rush of emotion blah blah blah) but interesting in what I chose to focus on. Lizzie?

Gene Weingarten: As to Bobby Fischer, Tim's appreciation was excellent, utterly un-maudlin. In the NYTimes, Edward Rothstein's brilliant piece pointed out something interesting: That in a few fields only -- music, math chess -- is it possible to achieve world-class greatness in childhood, because these areas are completely closed worlds, with their own rules and internal logic. This can permit the emergence of a stunning prodigy, revered and lionized, who has zero ability to adapt, cope, mature, and become an actual human.

gene: Appreciation: On Mound, Hunter Always In Control, ( Post, Sept. 10, 1999

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D.C. Proper: Re: the poll. I often fantasize about being with another man -- Sloppy Carl -- perhaps you've heard of him?

washingtonpost.com: Nicely done.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Northeast Washington, D.C.: Hi Gene, I am adopting a very young puppy from a shelter. Ethical question: I really want to name my dog, but the dogs at the shelter are already named. Is it wrong to rename an adopted pet?

Gene Weingarten: With a young puppy, it is no problem at all. Their whole world is new and changing every day.

With an older dog, I think it depends on how responsive the dog is to his name. If the answer is "very," it's probably an unnecessary cruelty to inflict on an animal that is already pretty confused.

When Molly adopted her dog from the pound, the dog was named "Mariah." But she didn't seem to know she was Mariah, or if she did, it wasn't really seated. So she easily became Mattie. No stress at all. I think if she snapped to attention at the orginal name, Mol would have kept it, even though she disliked it.

Murphy was "Sue," but she was so young, she had no idea what was going on. Also, that was a shelter-given name; dogs are seldom called by their names in a shelter.

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Response to "Naming the Don": It's not about what The Don would do to Gene if Gene named him in the article. It's about what every one of Gene's future subjects would do, which is neither trust nor talk to a person who goes back on his word.

Gene Weingarten: Basically, yes, but it is not quite so utilitarian. Even if it were the last story I was ever writing, I would not break my word. There ARE genuine ethics in journalism.

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Anonymous: How did the Rib get through law school? Because right now I am sucking at it!

Gene Weingarten: You don't want to know. It will only depress you.

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A State of Relative Obscurity: Woohoo! I'm more famous than "replacement shoelaces."

Gene Weingarten: Good for you!

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Hypochondria?: So does your Spidey sense about hypochondria lead you to believe the people with the symptoms of Morgellons are truly ill or to think that they really need psychological help?

Gene Weingarten: I think they are really feeling their symptoms. Genuinely. They are not whining nutcakes. But I think they are creating their symptoms. The modern term is "somaticization," I believe.

I cannot explain the fibers that seem the same.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene -

I answered that sex, on average, can last between 30 minutes and an hour with me and my boyfriend. Is it odd that I actually wish that that number were lower? I love him and I love having sex with him, but sometimes an hour can just seem like an hour. Of course, he's always so proud when it goes for that long, so I can't really tell him that it wasn't my favorite.

Gene Weingarten: Yes you can. Do. If he is proud that it is so long, he is concerned about how you feel.

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Washington, D.C.: Chris Farley, Pickup Artist.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, you need to watch this just for the "dueling bat wings."

Gene Weingarten: Also, did you know Farley was that short?

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Indianapolis, Ind.: Gene,

I've asked this before but to my knowledge it has not been addressed in the chat. I feel like you are the most qualified individual to answer it and explain the reason. My question is this. When do you think folks will stop saying it is January 22, two thousand and eight and start saying January 22, twenty oh eight? I mean, we didn't say nineteen hundred and ninety eight, did we? We said nineteen ninety eight. So Gene, what do you think, is a change ever gonna be a coming?

Gene Weingarten: Boy, that is a good question.

It's gonna be in two years. Twenty-ten is just very cool to say.

I believe this might be the first public mention of this anywhere on Earth. This is exciting.

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Comic Props: Gene, how can you not give props to Sunday's Doonesbury? It's pretty freaking rare that Trudeau actually brings me to the point of tears (and not in some maudlin overtly-sentimental annoying kinda way).

Gene Weingarten: Agreed. Real good. Liz, can we link to it?

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To Maryland with a sensitive nose:: High liklihood - malfunctioning thyroid - see the doc soon, this can actually kill you.

Less likely: a complex partial seizure, a type of epilepsy. Won't kill you, but you would be happier with meds. (the weight gain does not fit well with the epilepsy possibility)

Gene Weingarten: Well, I wasn't going to tell her specifically. Nice work, bozo.

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washingtonpost.com: Doonesbury, ( Jan. 20)

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Re: The Sex Pole, uh, Poll: No question for the men about satisfying women? That's half the reason I enjoy sex - the sweetest sound in all of nature is a woman at the genuine height of passion. I didn't see the poll for the women, but is there a question about faking orgasms? I would never want my lovemaking partners to pretend that way. Instead, I would want her to tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Gene Weingarten: I missed that question! Maybe next week!

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You are an A**hat: A**hole, you have no right to tell people what marriage is or is not. People who take the vows and intend to keep them are married. Some of them may be infertile, some of them may really want to have children, but they are unable and for personal reasons decide not to adopt. Some opt against parenthood for financial, health or other reasons. Your marriage isn't any better than theirs because you have children. You could leave just as easily as anyone. It's happened for centuries! Get over your cheap self.

Gene Weingarten: Goodness.

I like this debate.

I am not disrespecting marriage sans children. I am perhaps giving MORE respect than most people do to long-term, live-in, committed, monogamous loving relationships that are not sealed by marriage. To me, they are the same thing as marriage sans children. Worthy of respect. Noble and fine. Good. Yay!

All I am saying is that when you have children, the stakes elevate enormous. It's a different situation, much more serious in its implications.

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Just Curious, Va.: Do you have any updates on the Red BMW Lady that you could share with us?

Gene Weingarten: I got a license number from a witness, but it proved wrong. According to my research, no such number exists. I still need good info.

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I hate these polls: I really hate these sex polls and not because I'm a prude. I have the worst sex life with a loser I don't love while I see the perfect man everyday who is completely out of my reach. Hell yes I fantacize, how else could I get through this life?

Gene Weingarten: Whoa.

Why stay with the loser you don't love?

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Doggie Doo Dispos,AL: We just bought a house! Yay, buyer's market! I have a vexing problem, though that I can't answer. We've always lived in apartment communities and the like that have neat little pet waste stations. They dispense bags and provide a little covered trashcan to throw used bags away in. Now that we're moving to a more traditional neighborhood, I'm worried about the dog walks. I know that you can buy doggie bags, or reuse the bags the post comes in, etc. But where do we throw the stuff away? Certainly not in our garbage can. It would stink to high heaven by the time trash day rolled around. What do you do with Murphy's clean up?

Gene Weingarten: The bags, when tightly knotted, don't stink. We put em in our trash, inside a big trash bag.

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Oh, Canada: Hi Gene,

A couple of weeks ago you linked to those PETA ads in your chat and people were shocked and appalled... but I'd seen these two un-aired Canadian Public Service Announcements a few days before and think I'll never be shocked again:

One

Two

Holy Moly.

Gene Weingarten: These are safe for work, though the second one one contains a one-word spoken obscenity.

Be warned: These are VERY disturbing. I can understand why they (apparently) remain un-aired. I think they are great, as theater.

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Reagan obituary: The Post's Reagan obituary was written so far in advance that the author was no longer with the Post when it was published.

washingtonpost.com: That was Lou Cannon, tho. Surely, a special case.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, and there is a difference between an obit and an appreciation. An appreciation is like a feature-story obit.

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Height: Tom Arnold is 6'2" or so says IMDB.com. Farley is/was listed at 5'8", which isn't short, is it? Right? Right?!?

Gene Weingarten: If Farley was listed as five eight, he was about five six.

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Probably not a question for you: but I'd like your input - how would you deal with a bully. I work in an office with a person who is a case study for putting others down to make themself feel better. I am not the target (they tried once until they realized they needed my help with their work too much to get on my bad side); but I do see them bully others (one person in particular)who are in more admin or supportive positions. I have spoken to those targeted and have told them that they have my support. I have made it known that I don't like what I am seeing (and have also documented what I see in case something comes of this down the road), however the bully's supervisor thinks this is a nothing issue and doesn't seem to take it seriously -like "sticks and stones". Others in this unit have noticed too, and while they also have expressed support to the worker targeted, they aren't confronting the bully-they are more recent hires and may not want to rock the boat. A lot of it involves talking bad about someone behind their back, not giving them the information they need to do their job (but saying they did and that the other person must have lost it so that the employee looks bad), and other crap that is just so High School it make one dumbstruck. As there is no real HR department to go to and the supervisor is a 'head in the sand' kinda guy, I feel like I'm at a loss as to what to do to try and help this poor employee who is so beaten down at this point she just doesn't have the strength to fight for herself. What would you do if you saw another reporter at the Post (although not in your group) being bullied by a co-worker else.

Gene Weingarten: I'm not really the right person to answer this. I haven't worked in a real office situation in a long time, and was never particularly good at management.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

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My office: Hi Gene,

Soon, I will be off to Miami for a week-long business trip. Anything I shouldn't miss?

Gene Weingarten: Go to Dania Jai-Alai. It's just a one of a kind great experience. You can even have dinner there; the food is good.

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Chicago, Ill.: So I can't recline an airplane seat even though it's designed to recline, because it might interfere with your right to however many inches of unimpeded space in front of your nose.

But you can smack your car into my painted bumper, because that's what bumpers are for?

Jerk, squared.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I hope you are ready to be re-educated. Because here is where your analogy fails.

Leaning back upon the lap of someone in a plane is disruptive and disturbing to most reasonable people. I have seldom found anyone who didn't find it extremely rude and annoying.

Putting a little scratch or a little ding on someone's bumper should not anger or disturb a reasonable person. If you are the sort of person who goes "Oooh, ooh, he gave my bumper a boo-boo! He violated my possession with a quarter inch ouchie!" you deserve no consideration.

One should try not to hit another's bumper. But doing so is often nearly unavoidable, or completely unavoidable. If this sort of thing bothers you to distraction, don't buy a car with those silly painted bumpers. Buy a real car.

Thank you. I am right about this.

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One Million, More: Actually, at 4:13 p.m. Monday, January 21, 2008, "the Beatles" = 39,100,000 hits beats "Jesus Christ" = 38,100,000 hits.

Gene Weingarten: I knew it! I predicted it three weeks ago, when I wrote the column.

gene: The Fame Threshold, ( Post Magazine, Jan. 20)

Gene Weingarten: Hey, I got a really angry email from a Christian who claims that any mention of Jesus in any context other than hushed reverence is a deep insult to serious Christians.

Serious Christians: He's fulla crap, right?

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The Poll: When we found out we were pregnant with our third (unexpected) child, my hubby and I sat down to tell our kids (5th grade and 3rd grade at the time). The 5th grader had just had detailed sex ed in school.

His initial reaction was that it was gross -- followed quickly by "Why, now?" I explained that we had just been blessed this time. To which he replied...."You've been doing it all this time???"

When does sex change from the gross medical thing to what I know it can be?

Gene Weingarten: Excellent story.

Sex is always that gross medical thing. We just THINK of it as something exalted, thank God.

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Falls Church, Va.: Morgellons: The fibers have never been shown to be anything more than ordinary household textiles (i.e., cotton). The pictures of the fibers on the little boy's lip, for instance, look like Kleenex with blood spots -- exactly what one might expect to find in a little boy's scratch. Yes, the fibers fluoresce; ordinary cloth does that. Think of a white shirt under a black light.

Gene Weingarten: Well, that's not what some of the researchers say.

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Arlington, Va.: From last week's chat:

Gene Weingarten: To all the people who are getting all huffy at the dread thought of someone tapping their bumper and perhaps leaving a scratch: Do you also get upset when the soles of your new shoes start to get a little dirty?

No, nor do I get upset when the treads of my brand-new tires get dirty or scuffed. But your analogy sucks. I would get upset if someone carelessly walked by carrying something that snagged a thread on my suit jacket and caused a rip or pucker. It's cosmetic damage, it doesn't mean I can't wear the suit, but the suit's still been damaged.

A couple of years ago, when my Awesome Daughter was learning to drive, she scraped another car's bumper while entering a parking lot. She freaked out, thinking the world was going to end. My reaction was, "That's why we have insurance." I proceeded to leave a note saying "Please contact me re damage to your rear bumperon the right side," with my name and phone number, on the other car's windshield. I never heard a word about it. (The other car was a somewhat battle-worn Volvo, but still, My Awesome Daughter added a scratch that wasn't there before.)

I don't care about cosmetic scratches on my bumper; I care about Glass Bowls who clobber my car and think they can just drive away and forget about it.

Gene Weingarten: A bumper is meant to be dinged a little; the analogy to the bottom of your shoe is apt.

A crunched bumper is a different matter; a dinged fender is an entirely different matter. A bumper is a bumper. To be bumped.

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RE: fame: I have another measure of fame that I often informally use. For those of us who have a Google toolbar (which I imagine most do nowadays), my measure of fame is whether or not Google "suggests" the name before I have finished typing it. By this measure, Gene, Paris, and Bill Waterson are famous. Granted, this sets the bar a little low I think, and it's not quite so easy to compare popularity, but it does weed out me and most (ok, all) of my coworkers.

P.S. Happy Birthday Me!

washingtonpost.com: The Fame Threshold, ( Post Magazine, Jan. 20)

Gene Weingarten: If I'm over it, the bar's too low.

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Poo bags: Dear Poster,

Gene's garbage doesn't smell because he puts his poo bags in other people's trash bins. I rmeember this well, it remains a heated debate in the family, even though I have the trump. "what would Gene do"? put it in that bin left out on the curb.

Gene Weingarten: I have stopped doing that! The people in the chat persuaded me it is rude.

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Pregnant Orange Line Rider: Gene,

I know this came up a few weeks ago, and I got so frustrated this morning that I think it needs to be raised again. I am 31 weeks pregnant, which means that a huge head and body will be pushing its way out of me in about 2 months. I take the orange line from Ballston to Federal Triangle every day. Today was an unfortunate day for the metro. A train was offloaded at Ballston right in front of me. This train was incredibly crowded, as was the platform before the train came in. The next train was already crowded. I decided to not squeeze my huge belly onto it, but instead waited for the next one.

The next train was an 8 car train, which means the first car wasn't as crowded (not sure why, but this is a general rule of thumb). I got on the first car, which had no empty seats, but plenty of standing room. No less than 3 seated people looked directly at my 31 weeks pregnant belly, and then proceeded to look back at their newspapers. Do I need to mention that my center of gravity is off,so standing on a train is an adventure?

By the time the train got to Courthouse, it was really crowded. At Rosslyn, a woman near me got off. She stood up early, and then proceeded to block my way to her empty seat - which I REALLY wanted. Instead, a young woman who was clearly not pregnant sat down, only to get off at the next stop. I found this to be very rude. If you don't need the seat, and are getting off in 1 stop, leave it for someone who feels like they are going to pass out.

About halfway through my lovely ride this morning, I started to overheat. There were several people who kept looking at me, and I'm pretty sure they all noticed I was quite uncomfortable. It was also very easy for any of these people to offer me their seats. Yet, not a single person did.

My question is this -- is it appropriate for me to actually ask someone for their seat? I don't feel it is because what if they have an injury that I can't see? Some of my friends and my husband think it's perfectly appropriate. And, if I do ask someone to get up for me, how do I go about doing that?

Gene Weingarten: My initial impulse was to say, just tap someone and ask for a seat. But I just asked my wife about this. She said she never asked for a seat. Why?

"I'm not gonna grovel."

Her point is that you feel awkward enough as a pregnant woman. You feel vulnerable. You feel weak and misshapen and maybe a lttle silly. You don't want increase that feeling by calling attention to yourself, and becoming a weak supplicant. She sucked it up.

Would you feel similarly diminished by asking for a seat? If you wouldn't, do it.

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Fairfax, Va.: I wish to object to the perpetuation of the ridiculous term "asshat." If one is in an environment in which the proper term can be used, then it should be used. If one is not, there are so many excellent terms available including moron, jerk, nimrod, twit, and the ever reliable dork. (The latter was considered a very naughty word when I was a boy.)

And yes, I am fully aware of the perfect ironic response to my objection. Go ahead. Drop the hammer. Call me an a**hat.

Gene Weingarten: Feeb.

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Chicago, Ill.: I want to go back to the discussion of staying together for the kids and whether or not that is good for them. My wife cheated on me, and I decided to stay for the kids, but for a purely selfish reason. I don't want to move away from my children (10, 4, and 2), I love spending everyday with them and waking up with them in the middle of the night. I also don't want to take them away from their mother, who is a terrific mom, who would never want to give them up either, and who would probably end up with the kids after a divorce anyway. My wife and I have decided that we are basically in a child-rearing partnership and that the marriage is over. Is this a bad thing to do for the kids?

Gene Weingarten: Depends. Do the kids know something is seriously wrong? If not, you're doing good.

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Alexandria, Va.: Perhaps you're not the one to answer this question, but The Don's bio says he "sarges" in Los Angeles. What does this mean? I didn't realize "sarges" was a verb. Thanks, Gene.

Gene Weingarten: Sarge is a term of The Game. It means trolling for babes, with a wing man, using a Seduction Method.

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Phoenix, AZ: Okay, Gene, I've been trying to ignore your thoughts on the subject of women and weight, but your comments in last week's updates really put me over the edge. Here's the question I'd like you to answer: Do you think that being overweight makes a woman unworthy of love? If you're tempted to say "Of course not," I'd like you to reread your comments from last week: "I don't buy the notion that if he or she really loves me, he or she will still love me if I pork out."

As you probably could have guessed, I'm a woman with a weight problem. But I'm also fabulous. I'm smart and funny. I've got an awesome job, great friends, and an adoring husband. My weight is not my most salient characteristic - to most people. But according to you, my husband would be justified in asking for a divorce because I weigh about 30 pounds more than I did when we met. Seriously? You often profess your undying love and adoration for The Rib - but what if she developed a thyroid problem and "porked up?" Or decided she really liked pie? Would that really outweigh (no pun intended) all the other things you love about her?

I really, really hope you didn't mean what you said. And if you did mean it, I hope you reconsider. Because I want to heart you, I really do.

Gene Weingarten: I meant it, but we should discuss this.

I realize I am in really dangerous territory here, and while I don't want to lose the respect of readers, I also don't want to be dishonest.

I never said or implied that a seriously overweight person is "unworthy of love." Here is what I said, and what I meant: Couples owe each other something, as a matter of mutual respect. When you get married, and promise to stay together forever and ever and ever, that only goes so far.

If I suddenly decide to become a hateful Nazi skinhead, my wife has no obligation to stay with me because she signed a paper. If she has a religious conversion, shaves her head and spends 16 hours a day in the bathtub chanting to Gaia, the Earth goddess, I have no obligation to stay with her. That's not what I signed up for.

And if (I am exaggerating to make a point) I go from 175 pounds to 700 pounds, she has no obligation to stick around. I would revolt her, physically. The thought of sex with me would be repugnant. It would deprive her of a normal sex life. And in some way, my choice to do that would be a hostile act directed at her.

People gain weight, over the years. I have. At 21, I was 155 pounds. I am 175 now. I might be 250 if I didn't have someone whose love I valued. But I am, and I know that at a certain weight, I would be compelling that person to be with a man who did not physically interest her, and I don't want to take that risk, because I don't think she has a moral or ethical obligation to accept that.

I think she knows the same about me. There would be a point at which she could gain so much weight she would no longer appeal to me. It will never happen.

You could choose to define this as shallowness, if you want. You could choose to question our love. I don't see it that way.

I was issuing a warning to people of both genders: I know your spouse promised forever and ever: Don't feel it binds him or her. It doesn't, and it shouldn't. We have an obligation to each other to remain at least reasonably physically attractive.

Maybe your in a situation where it really doesn't matter to both of you. That's great. Pork out all you want, you got it made.

(And, c'mon. Illness is a whole different issue. Weight can be controlled.)

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Allegany, NY: As a practicing Catholic, I've always preferred to think God has a sense of humor.

Gene Weingarten: As an atheist, I prefer to think that, too.

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Happily Married and Sexually Active: So of course I fantasize about someone else. I love my wife, but if she's not thinking about Tom Selleck or Antonio Banderas, I'll eat my hat.

By the way, does running my fingers through her hair for a couple hours count in the total time? 'Cause I wasn't sure how to answer your question...

Gene Weingarten: I don't get this. About the fantasizing.

As y'all know, I firmly believe that what happens in the head stays in the head. And I believe this here, too. If that's what gets you off, cool.

To me, it seems like a betrayal central to the core of who you are. I have NEVER, not once in 56 years, gone to that place in my head. To me, it's almost visceral: I'd almost be afraid to, like, y'know, thinking about your own daughter or something.

I can imagine a sad circumstance, I guess, where thinking about someone else would be the only way for a person to remain aroused: In that case, ironically, you'd actually OWE it to your partner to do it.

This whole thing fascinates me.

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Washington, D.C.: The Beatles may be bigger than Jesus Christ, but they aren't bigger than Jesus!

Gene Weingarten: I know, but that is a bloated figure. There are a lot of people named Jesus.

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RE: Serious Christians: He's fulla crap, right? : He's full of crap with an extra bag on the side. I am a student at VTS (VA Theological Sem.).

Gene Weingarten: Good.

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Gene Weingarten: I am not going to give a detailed analysis of the poll because there isn't much to say. I am surprised that fantasizing men don't outnumber fantasizing women by a sizeable percentage, but that was my only real surprise.

Oh, one more. I expected women to be harder on themselves vis a vis their sexual prowess. Glad to see this was not the case.

Least surprising: The older you are, the less important are the rituals of undressing.

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Gene Weingarten: Oh, before I forget: Have you read the story about Giuliani on A1 of tne NYT? He's probably already did, but if he isn't this should kill him.

Basically, in the way he deals with people who cross him, he is a Mafioso. Godfather style. A monster.

Chatwoman, can we link?

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Dog Doo: I usually throw away my dog's waste in my own or a public trash can, but think it's OK to use other people's if it's trash day and it'll be collected that morning.

Gene Weingarten: What I learned from the chatters, and what was confirmed by my garbage man, is that the garbage guys will often leave little bags in the can.

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Burke, Va.: Insisting that "any mention of Jesus in any context other than hushed reverence is a deep insult to serious Christians" is a deep insult to Jesus. It suggests that he had an ego the size of Manhattan and no sense of humor.

Gene Weingarten: Actually -- I mean no offense here -- is there any evidence, anywhere in the NT, that Jesus DID have a sense of humor?

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washingtonpost.com: In Matters Big and Small, Giuliani Had a Price, ( NYT, Jan. 22)

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Fairfax, Va.: Gene - I once tapped the bumper of the car in front of me as we were stopped at a redlight downtown when I rolled forward slightly. We were both driving older basic Hondas. It was rush hour. It was raining. I did scratch her bumper. That woman acted like I had murdered her firstborn. Wouldn't even move her car out of traffic to wait for the police. Commuters were rolling down their windows to shout obscenities at us. The cops were furious at her -- one of them even told her that a few scratches is the cost of living in a metropolitan area. It was ugly. I find that the people with crappy cars are the most upset. People who drive luxury vehicles don't park them on the street.

Gene Weingarten: Good grief. See, I HATE that.

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washingtonpost.com: Doh -- i left the word "Crossing" out of the Giuliani headline. Should be Crossing Giuliani Had a Price.

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2010, AD: Because of the novel and movie "2010" were always referred to as "Two Thousand Ten" I don't think I'll be able to make the switch until somewhere in the teens, say 2013. "Twenty Thirteen" is immensely fun to say, while "Twenty Ten" still seems wrong. A geeky reason to be sure, but there it is.

Of course, after testing via Google this morning, I am not even as famous as tomato peels (though more famous than turnip shavings), so I can't say I'll sway anyone now or in the next two years.

Gene Weingarten: I like 20-10. It sounds like a police radio call.

It's a 20-10 at Main and Elm.

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McLean, Va.: Tell ya what, Gene. Let me know when you replace the 323 with a new vehicle, or when Molly's 6 is parked at your house. I'll come by with my 1985 Swedish POS with commando bumpers and play bumper car parking with your vehicles. No prob, right?

Gene Weingarten: No problem at all if you just dimple or scratch a bumper. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

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Alexandria, Va.: Rudy Patooty: I am SO waiting for him to discover that Florida doesn't love him, either.

Gene Weingarten: It's gonna happen.

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New York, N.Y.: Just finished reading last week's chat, about the killed Pickup Artist story.

I know the veracity of your piece wasn't in question, Gene, but The Post had reason to be wary. Two years ago, the Village Voice published a trend piece about "The Game" (the book that made the Mystery Method famous) in which several quotes and scenes had been fabricated. The paper eventually ran an apology and fired the writer responsible. Liz can probably find a link about it...

Gene Weingarten: But, as you say, that was not the issue. This was simply about a decision to give partial anonymity to a subject. No one at The Post thought the story was piped.

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Harrisburg, Pa.: I have a question on keeping the confidentiality of the source who operates the classes on approaching women. Would that confidentiality be broken if he is later arrested, say for sexual assault, or is involved in a Senate sex scandal, etc.? Would you then include in an article on his arrest or scandal the fact that he operates such classes?

Gene Weingarten: The guarantee would not exist, and would not be enforceable, in any context other than writing a story about the class that he taught in my presence. If he were arrested for rape, I would include that in a story about his arrest.

But I STILL couldn't write about the class.

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New York, N.Y.: Hi Gene --

The more I think about your column last week on your spiked story on the "How to Get Girls" seminar, the more I wish you can somehow recycle parts of the story. I read "The Game" when it first came out, not because I wanted to flim-flam some babe into putting out, but because I'm paralyzingly shy around women (at least in dating circumstances) and figured the book would simply help me increase my comfort level. Alas, the book seemed all about "cocksmanship" (and all the word implies) rather than relationship -- but your comments on the seminar suggests that the dialectics of "the Method" could be (warning: cliche coming) a force for Good, in the right hands, rather than a force for EEE-vill (i.e. as a tool for gettin' laid).

So, a plea: help a shy guy out here -- figure out how to publish the darn story!

Gene Weingarten: I'm going to be dribbling out some of my observations in the next few weeks; the story will never be released. I don't have that right.

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Washington, D.C.: Gene -

I need help for the upcoming elections. Actually, I more need to understand why people hate Hillary, my mother included. I've asked my mother why she feels that way and she mumbled something about her health care plan, but did not really provide me with what I thought was a good answer. I do not necessarily expect people to vote for her. In fact, I still haven't decided whom my vote will go to. I just want to know what I'm missing about Hillary that's so horrible, so that if I do decide to vote for her, I'm doing it with all the necessary knowledge about her. Is it really just because she's a woman? That seems strange because there are women (like my mother) who feel just as strongly as the men. What's the deal?

Gene Weingarten: I don't hate her. I suspect she'd make a pretty good president. But I don't want her to win the nomination because too many people DO seem to hate her -- even liberal people -- and I think we need a Democrat in the White House.

I think some people dislike her because she seems ambitious and opportunistic. I think others dislike her because she sort of openly accepted an infidelity, and apparently continues to do so. I think women are really bothered by that.

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Oh Crap!: Gene Weingarten: I have stopped doing that! The people in the chat persuaded me it is rude.

Don't tell anyone!

What about when the trash is just about to be picked up anyway? That's still OK, right?

Gene Weingarten: No. Sometimes the trash collectors leave it in the cans!

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Appreciations: Thank you for your explanation of the arbitrariness of appreciations. I didn't really pay much attention to it until Douglas Adams' untimely death passed unappreciated by the Post, on the heels of a few other people -- I can't remember who anymore -- who got appreciated despite being far less worthy IMHO. If it's all the arbitrary reaction of whoever happens to be on staff at the time, that's okay, I guess. If it's an editorial decision about merit this would bother me.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, that's pretty much what it is.

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Weight Issue: I agree with you on the weight issue. As opposed to people "letting themselves go" during marriage, now that I am engaged I have been trying to work out MORE. Not for the wedding itself, but because I am preparing for being someone's wife.

As shallow as that may sound, I want my future husband to be proud to have my as his wife- physically as well as otherwise. He has the kind of job that entails a lot of "functions" and whether subconsciously or no, his peers will judge him based on how I look.

I should add that I LIKE looking good, and exercising has done wonders for my sleeping patters, mood, and attention span. Everyone wins!

Gene Weingarten: Indeed.

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Fairfax, Va.: This was such a profoundly depressing poll. I am a 45-year-old man who has been married for 20 years. I would love to devote an entire evening to working through a dog-eared copy of the Kama Sutra. Yet I am not exactly in the driver's seat. Despite a promising beginning, my wife's enthusiasm for carnal matters has dropped precipitously. She wants none of that kinky stuff. Like lights. At her insistence sex has become terribly, terribly dull. And we do it so rarely.

Gene Weingarten: Yes, depressing. Thanks for sharing! Maybe it will make some of us feel better!

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Mathmatic, AL: Gene, I know we've talked on your chat about whether or not one can really read in dreams, but what about doing math? I dreamed I was taking a math test last night. I had a two part question: the first part gave me a basic equation, with the numbers, that I solved. The answer was 128.3. The second part had a series of numbers that I was supposed to create an equation for. One of the numbers was 1.283, and I remember in the dream figuring there was some connection between the two equations, like I should divide all the figures of the second equation by a hundred or something because of the 128.3/1.283 correlation.

What's funny about this is that I haven't taken a math test or had to work any serious equations for 25 years or so! And that I was kind of frustrated because I woke up before I found the solution, and had been enjoying the challenge of the problem the same way I enjoy crosswords and sudukos. And surely it means something that my very first thought on waking up was, "Hmmm. I wonder what they'll make of this on Gene's chat?"

Gene Weingarten: The first Google item for 1283 reveals that in that year Death by hanging, drawing and quartering was first used as a form of capital punishment, for the newly created crime of high treason. King Edward I of England employed this punishment in executing Dafydd ap Gruffydd, the last ruler of an independent Wales, at Shrewsbury.

I should have named my son Dafydd ap Gruffydd.

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Onaconna: Yay, I have a new favorite word! Thanks Gene! "Knamean" was getting old.

Gene Weingarten: I've been using that since I was about eight years old.

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Price of a scratched bumper: My bumper received a small scratch. The scratch was in a chrome region of the bumper. I took it to a body repair shop and was told that nothing could be done except replace the bumper. That small scratch has resulted in the bumper becoming rusted over all of the chrome and it has bubbled outward due to the rust. That small scratch will require about $500 to fix.

Gene Weingarten: Your car was badly designed.

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Canada: What, exactly, is the point of the second PSA? Would that really have any impact on the target audience?

Gene Weingarten: I think it would. I think the target audience is not men. I think it is women. I think it says, this is not normal. Get help.

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Maryland: Hi, it's nose girl again.

So, about four and a half years ago I had hyperthyroidism while still under my parent's insurance. Took some meds, was fine. Now that I'm in the independent insurance market that "pre-existing" condition prevents me from getting affordable coverage. After shopping around I got a pretty crappy plan that will cover everything (after a deductible) except any thyroid problems. After five years the thyroid thing is no longer considered pre-existing and I can get better coverage that includes the thyroid. So if it's all the same to you, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you and wait six months.

America rules!

Gene Weingarten: Indeed!

Hey, we got good diagnosis here.

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Rears, the HB9: Gene -- I am more popular than "handsome mustache."

Gene Weingarten: PLUS, your name is Rears.

What a great name for a gal.

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What DO you think...: About Morgellan's disease?

I am also curious about your thoughts on fibromyalgia. Several of my relatives have it, and near as I can tell, what it means is that "they are more sensitive to pain than most people," and they have a lot of joint pain. This seems dodgy to me. I do not want to naysay my relatives' suffering, but at the same time everyone I have ever known who has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia is a middle class white person who can stay home from work whenever things "flare up." It sort of seems like a trendy catch-all. Would love to hear what you think?

Gene Weingarten: Glad you asked!

I my book, I strongly suggested, for many reasons, that fibro is nonsense.

Then I just read a story in the Times that a new pill has gotten FDA approval for fibro, EVEN THOUGH THE MAN WHO FIRST IDENTIFIED THE DISEASE NOW SAYS IT'S HOOEY.

That same study had a really revealing stat. I am just going to lay it out there. The average fibro patient is five foot three and 180 pounds.

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Silver Spring, Md.: We should note that the man who wrote "Daydream Believer" recently passed away. He also wrote the song "Gold," from the late '70s or early '80s.

Gene Weingarten: Wake up Sleepy Gene.

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Hillary Clint,ON: I'd love to explain what it is about Hillary that I dislike so much, but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I can try and justify it by pointing to things like her voting record on Iraq, but it really is a visceral, automatic reaction of "do not want." It's not the basic fact of her gender, it's not some unspoken rule for how female politicians are supposed to act that she breaks, it's not even how she handled the Lewinsky thing. It's just her. And if a liberal, college-educated female like me responds to her in this way, I get worried thinking about how she'll do in the general election.

Gene Weingarten: My point exactly. I know four different liberal women who would not vote for her. Staunch liberals. I worry.

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Rears again: Also, I am almost exactly as popular as "I literally crapped my pants" and the more vulgar version thereof, combined.

Gene Weingarten: Hahahahaha. This better be true, Rears. I'm gonna check after the chat.

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Pregnant on the Orange Line: Sorry, Gene. Gotta disagree. The pregnant woman should just ask. There are two seats on each side, plus the perpendicular ones. If she directs it to all four, someone (probably everyone who can) will get up. That negates the problem of someone having an unseen injury or illness or maybe an early pregnancy themselves. I am a 30 year old woman, and would gladly give my seat to anyone who asked; however, each time I offer I'm met with a No and often a dirty look. That gets old.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, thanks.

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Bumpe, RS: The problem with bumpers is aerodynamics, and the reason for aerodynamics is mileage.

That is, the reason we have bumpers encased in smooth plastic is to improve the aerodynamics of the car... the fractional MPG this adds to the rating helps manufacturers meet their targets.

But unfortunately, it makes the resulting bumpers kind of useless at their original purpose. Then again, out in the suburban world where no one parallel parks, the bumper is bumped only rarely.

Gene Weingarten: We have to get the mfrs to stop that silliness.

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Un-googlable: How can you assess your fame if you're essentially un-googlable? My last name is a regular old noun that occurs all over the place, often directly following people's first names. I assume this problem also applies to people with really common first/last name combinations. How are we supposed to evaluate our self-worth??

Gene Weingarten: You can't. You're scrood.

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Anonymous: Gene, is there an issue where you take the conservative position? If so, which one(s)?

Gene Weingarten: Not exactly. I do acknowledge that for many years, welfare was busted, and it was busted by liberals.

I have voted for Republicans. Not many, and they were liberal Republicans, but I have voted for some. I voted for John Lindsay and Connie Morella. I would have voted for Fiorello LaGuardia, had I been around to do so.

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Arlington, Va.: What have you done more recently, brushed your hair or enjoyed recreational drugs?

Gene Weingarten: Enjoyed recreational drugs. But that's not giving away much valuable information.

Technically, I believe I have never brushed my hair. My hair was last brushed the day before my ma stopped doing it for me.

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Madison, Wis.: Have you ever done a poll about the reclining airplane seats issue? Because I feel like this might be one of those instances in which the few who are bothered make so much noise that people start thinking everyone is bothered. I've been flying cross-country pretty regularly since college, and it honestly never even occurred to me that it might annoy people because it never annoyed me. I've stopped doing it now, after reading your chat, but still, I am not bothered by it in the slightest. And I am taller than average with longer than average legs. But when the seat leans back, it really only reduces the space at head-level, not at your knees at all. So why does that bother you? Do you rock back and forth constantly during your flight? The only thing I can think of is that it might leave you less room for setting up a laptop, but I never work on flights, so I dunno. What's the problem?

Gene Weingarten: You are in a small minority.

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Haymarket, Va.: I am fat. I am fat because my husband wouldn't make love to me. I tried to fill the hole with other forms of pleasure and food was it for me. I was loyal for 10 years of being ignored. BTW, he was fatter than I was, and I still found him attractive. For me, it's about the pleasure and love you can give each other. I disagree with you, Gene. If I were a hot nubile girl of 18 I would spank you, but I'm an obese 38 year old who according to you is un-sexable. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to masturbate thinking of someone else!

Gene Weingarten: Okay, you made me laugh. Thank you.

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Wrong Aga, IN: Gene Weingarten: Wake up Sleepy Gene!

Wake up is appropriate, because the actually line is "Cheer up, Sleepy Jean."

Cheers...painted bumpers rule!

Gene Weingarten: It is? Hm.

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Cut Doonesbury: Thanks for linking to last Sunday's Doonesbury, I didn't realize The Post had begun amputating the first two panels. Are there any newspapers left in this great land that publishes it intact?

Gene Weingarten: I doubt it. The artists deliberately draw two lose-able panels.

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Changing spou, SE: I think the debate over your position(s) on marriage turns on your conception of marriage. Immanuel Kant dealt precisely with this problem. You don't know what you're going to be like in five years, let alone fifty; why would you marry someone else who could be completely different? Entering into marriage thus requires a leap of faith and a commitment to remain EVEN THOUGH you know your partner is going to change.

You seem to believe that marriage is different than that. You think that marriage is about the happiness of the individuals involved (including the children) and you give less value to the bond itself; you don't take marriage lightly, but more lightly than others, and many people disagree with you. Your atheism may be playing a part in this, because I know a lot of people who will refer to the sacredness and holiness before God of the marriage covenant.

Just guessing.

Gene Weingarten: My atheism definitely plays a part; about the rest, I disagree. I think change is normal. I think extraordinary change is not. And I think sex is important, not incidental.

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Gene Weingarten: Your car was badly designed.: So that gives you license to be disrespectful of another person's property?

Gene Weingarten: It is no more disrespectful to gently bump a car than it is for the sidewalk to scuff a shoe.

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Springfield, Va.: I checked "very good lover" because I bring my partner to climax several times during the course of any given lovemaking, but then I thought, "is that the criteria?"

Gene, o Enlightened Fogey, what do you consider the criteria for someone to be considered a very good lover?

Gene Weingarten: If you have to ask the criteria, you are probably not a very good lover.

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Anonymous: As a 23 year old virgin, I'd like to thank you for putting this poll up, Gene. Sigh, the trials and tribulations of the socially awkward, shy male...

Gene Weingarten: Hey, there was a 28 year old male virgin in my seduction class. You got lots of time.

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Why haven't you had kids yet?: I can't seem to get him pregnant no matter what I do. Believe me, we're trying.

Gene Weingarten: Very good answer!

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I Can't Tell You: Not so long ago, my wife and I (we're in our 40s) had sex for 10 hours -- foreplay, coitus, wine, foreplay, implements, wine, etc. -- pretty much Lionel Richie-style (all night long). We had to call in sick the next day and told the kids we were "sick."

And no, we didn't do it on our "day off." We slept. Duh.Missing work because of drinking is considered a sign of alcoholism. Does missing work as a result of sex make one a sex addict?

Gene Weingarten: You're allowed two such sick days in your lifetime.

Gene Weingarten: TEN hours?

I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

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WOW: It never occurred to me that I'm kind of weird sexually. As of this writing, I'm one of two people (out of 51) who answered "very important" for the undressing and one of four (again, out of 51) who answered "very important" to the verbal communication. I'm slightly better -- 11 out of 51 -- who was between 30 minutes and an hour. I'm pretty much OK on the second one -- I never fantasize about being with somebody else, and am part of 31 percent who consider themselves "OK" lovers.

So here's my question: How can you NOT be incredibly turned on by undressing and (as I inferred) talking dirty? To me, both are paramount to enjoyment. Who are the more than 50 percent in each of the first two categories who consider the activities either not very important or immaterial? What else are you doing to enjoy yourself, or is the very act alone enough? What am I missing? Am I a better lover than I give myself credit for because I'm more engaged? Or am I worse because I'm very much into things that others are not?

Gene Weingarten: You know, when I wrote the question about talking, I didn't necessarily mean talking dirty. I meant talking, words of love, encouragement, even ... humor. I like to laugh.

But judging from some posts, most people seem to be interpreting it as talking dirty. I'm not OPPOSED to that, I'm just surprised this was the assumption.

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New York: What amused me, clicking over to the Mystery Method's Web site was the goal, to "find and attract women of top quality; inside and out."

Come on. Women of top quality INSIDE would be so easily manipulated? Only if that's a trait considered desirable, uh, "top quality".

Gene, you wrote in last week's chat (or in the updates) that the method is 'designed to manipulate a woman, based on some characteristic personality traits of women'. Please enlighten me what those traits are.

Gene Weingarten: I don't want to oversimplify this. I'm going to be dealing with it more directly once we start the discussion groups.

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Re: Haymarket:"I tried to fill the hole with other forms of pleasure and food was it for me."

HAHAHAHAHAHA

This is the part I found funny.

Gene Weingarten: Noted.

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Daydream Believer: It's true, Sleepy Gene. Jeez, what an awful song.

Oh, I could hide neath the wings

Of the bluebird as she sings.

The six oclock alarm would never ring.

Whoops its ringing and I rise,

Wipe the sleep out of my eyes.

My shavin razors cold and it stings.

Cheer up, sleepy jean.

Oh, what can it mean.

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen.

You once thought of me

As a white knight on a steed.

Now you know how happy I can be.

Oh, and our good times starts and end

Without dollar one to spend.

But how much, baby, do we really need.

Cheer up, sleepy jean.

Oh, what can it mean.

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen.

Cheer up, sleepy jean.

Oh, what can it mean.

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen.

-instrumental interlude]

Cheer up, sleepy jean.

Oh, what can it mean.

To a daydream believer

And a homecoming queen.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you.

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Towson, Md.: Congratulations to your beloved Giants for squeaking into the Super Bowl. Do you think the Patriots will humiliate them as badly as the Ravens did seven years ago? That was a classic beatdown. Do you remember it, Genie?

Gene Weingarten: I remember it well. It was bad, but not as debilitating as when the Gents blew a 24 point lead in the fourth quarter, getting bumped out of the playoffs by the Niners.

The Gentlemen will beat the Pats 31-24. The bettors who have made the Patriots a 17 point favorite are insane.

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A**hat Part Deux: FWIW - there are those of us out here who think you're out of your tree regarding your position on divorce, too. Stopped reading you for weeks.

Gene Weingarten: My position on divorce? I forget. What was my position on divorce?

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Jesus Humor - Matthew Parables: Of course Jesus had a sense of humor, particularly in the parables ("Easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man entering Heaven.")

When confronted with scenarios to interpret the Law (civil and religious), Jesus often replied with the unexpected and absurd. Jesus stopped the stoning of the adulteress - probably by writing the sins of the accusers in the sand.

Overall, my Jesus has a sense of humor.

Gene Weingarten: Okay, I'll accept that.

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Hank Stuever: The Appreciation essays in Style aren't entirely arbitrary, but it's really about what more can be said that won't be said in the obit. Notoriety is not the only requirement. Sometimes a writer has to be convinced by the editor to do the appreesh, sometimes a writer really has to beg the editor to get an appreesh on the Style story budget for the next day. The writer's "emotional" attachment to the subject is certainly not a requirement, as I have "appreciated" subjects on deadline having started from almost scratch when the assignment is given. (Sometimes you only have an hour or two to do the whole thing.)

Sometimes the Appreciation is not all that appreciative. My favorite ones are of flawed characters (Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, Evel Knievel, etc.). I've certainly written some Appreciations where readers demanded an explanation ("THAT was an 'Appreciation'?!"), and I usually have to point them to the more formal obituary on A1 or in Metro. (We have great obituary writers.) I like to think of the difference as if the obituary is the funeral home (professional, elegant, official), and the Appreciation is the drink at the bar afterward.

I can't think of another newspaper that has such a regular feature -- the essay that is NOT the obit, that runs in addition to an obit. Very often the challenging thing for the Style writers is to not duplicate the content of the obit.

And yes, sometimes we just skip it -- either no one was moved to write it, or couldn't be assigned to it, or the section is crammed, or there really wasn't anything else to say.

Like, the other day, with the Whamm-O guy. (He was the co-founder. We wrote about the first guy, when HE died.) Or Sam the Butcher from Brady Bunch, whose obit is in Metro today. (I can say that I really want to save any stray Brady musings for a biggie -- like ALICE.)

Gene Weingarten: Okay, so this is the definitive word.

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Fairfax, Va.: I'm getting married this weekend Gene. Any last minute advice?

Gene Weingarten: The Shocker is probably not a great idea on your wedding night.

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College Park, Md.: I'm a lesbian and answered the last question "more than an hour." Both the poll and the pizza commercial that ends with the woman asking "what should we do for the other 28 minutes?" makes me really sad for straight women.

Gene Weingarten: I do not know, but suspect, that you are painting with too broad a brush. I'm betting the duration of gay and straight sex would fall into a similar distribution on a graph.

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Enough with the bumper debate: You are wrong, plain and simple, and it's getting annoying to read this dumb argument every week (I love you and the chat otherwise -- very entertaining and informative). I will say one thing... if you or anyone else had tapped the bumper of another car while parallel parking during your driver's test, you would have failed. Absolutely. No question. That, to me, means you're an idiot on this subject and your position is bass ackwards. Love ya.

Gene Weingarten: Yeah, true about the driver's test. But they also fail you if you touch the curb. (At least back when tests were given in the street.) And touching the curb can be PART of parallel parking.

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"I love my cigar too...": That was delightfully crass, thank you.

Gene Weingarten: Thank you. It was stolen from Groucho.

Okay, we're good to go. Thanks for all the honesty, especially in the poll. I'll be updating through the week.

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ARF: How much treatment is too much for a dog? Our lab mix got hit by a car on Sunday, and although he'll live, he has nerve damage and a badly broken leg. Only options for the leg are surgery (inserting pins for 4 to 6 weeks, to the tune of about $5k) or amputation. We are told that dogs, especially labs, do pretty well with amputation. Also, because we won't know the extent of the nerve damage and how it will impair his ability to walk, we don't know how succesful the surgery will be until after it is all said and done... Leaning towards surgery, but wonder if it is the right call? What would you, o dog lover and father of a vet, do?

Gene Weingarten: I will answer this tomoro, after talking to Molly.

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UPDATED 1.23.08

Gene Weingarten: Many years ago, I had to make the personally painful decision not to permit Chatological Humor to become an animal rescue blog. This has been a hard thing to do, but I have done it. I am breaking precedent today with Shelly. Here is Shelly.

Shelly was raised by a sweet little old lady who loved animals and fed them like the doting grandma she was; her backyard was a menagerie of wild animals that included a turkey. Inside the house was a friendly old dog and Shelly, whom she rescued as a stray kitten three years ago. The cat became "Shelly" because of her prodigious tortoise-shell coat. Shelly was raised by the little old lady a little, but mostly by the dog. Shelly worships dogs and loves people almost as much.

A couple of months ago, the little old lady up and died, just like that, and Shelly is here in Chatological Humor because the little old lady's granddaughter happens to be my good friend Caitlin, who cannot keep Shelly and really wants her to go to a fabulous home and not to a rescue organization. Okay? This is about cronyism. Sosumi.

Potential adopters please write me at weingarten(at)washpost.com.

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Gene Weingarten: I sort of suspected this, but Molly has little pertinent advice for the owners of the dog with the leg injury; the problem is, you haven't suplied any helpful details, such as whether this is a front or hind leg, whether the injury is proximal or distal, the extent of the break, the extent of the nerve damage, etc. Nothing to diagnostically grab onto. Mol says "the one thing I can say is that dogs do pretty well with amputation, way better than people do." Several posters have said the same thing, with anecdotal evidence.

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Yo! Long Winded One...: What do you think of these?

Gene Weingarten: These are one-sentence novels. Most are poor, but if you search the all-time winners, you find some that are entertaining. I liked: "The mysterious animal hissing under the towel turned out to be a can of Right Guard."

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Outside of D.C.: It perhaps should be noted (as a 34 yr old woman) that while I never fantasize about anyone else while making love, I do fantasize about someone other than my current partner while masturbating.

Gene Weingarten: The standup comic Louis CK does an excellent routine about how idiotic it is to masturbate while thinking of one's spouse.

This is completely unrelated, but speaking of standup, I've always loved Robert Schimmel's observation that hemorrhoids really ought to be called asteroids, and proctologists should be called astronauts.

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Chicago- Staying for Kids: The kids don't know anyting is wrong, but I was thinking of those posters from a couple of weeks ago who felt so betrayed by the fact that their parents stayed together in a fake marriage that they felt they couldn't trust what love was.

Gene Weingarten: I think, later in life, they will come to understand that love is the remarkable force that kept the two of you together. It just happened to be love of them.

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Fantasy Island: Gene - Wait! You think viewing porn is okay, but fantasizing about someone other than your spouse during lovemaking is "sad"?! I don't get that. I am a woman who doesn't use, but has no opinion about, porn. However, isn't the purpose of porn to become aroused prior to sex? Isn't that the same thing as fantasizing during sex?

Gene Weingarten: 1. The purpose of porn, as it is most commonly used by men, is not to get aroused prior to sex. It is to get aroused in a process that substitutes for sex.

2. The question wasn't about fantasizing during sex; imagining, say, that the two of you are in a different place under different circumstances. It was about imagining that you are with a completely different person -- say, Jake Gyllenhaal. To me, that is dehumanizing the person you are with; essentially reducing the act of lovemakin to an act of masturbation. It just bothers me.

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Money talks: Maybe people don't want their cars scratched because they want to trade them in or sell them someday. A few scratches or dings can take hundreds of dollars off the re-sale value of a car. Someone leaning their seat back will not cost you hundreds of dollars. You are wrong on this one. I don't hit bumpers and I partially recline my seat on airplanes, this does not make me a bad person.

Gene Weingarten: Yep, the reclining does make you a bad person. Not evil like Pol Pot or Dick Cheney, but inconsiderate.

I need to say this again: No one should try to hit another's bumper. But bumper bumpage is a part of life. Yawn and get on with it. Here's the best way I can summarize it: I'd rather have a beer with someone who doesn't care if his bumper gets a slight dimple than with someone who cares deeply about this.

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Gene Weingarten: So, how ironic and amazing was it that seconds after he left our chat yesterday, where he weighed in on the ethos of the Style Appreciation, Stuever had to assign himself one. And look what a job he did, on deadline, with Heath Ledger: A Rough-Edged Actor Who Carved an Indelible Image, (Post, Jan. 23)

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Updated 1.24.08

Not Acti,VE: Gene, you are seldom mean-spirited, but I felt really sad when I saw your remark about being sorry for the virgin state.

Just because one is not sexually active doesn't mean that it is by choice or that one is virginal.

I'm turning 50 soon, and my husband has not willingly made love with me since 1985 when we conceived our second child. He is diabetic and shortly after the baby was born, had extensive abdominal surgery which destroyed essential nerves. Now, I know and you know that penetrative sex is the least of it, but tell him that. He never had much enjoyment of sex anyway (I really resent his parents' child-rearing priorities, believe me), and the disabilities gave him the excuses he needed to just bow out of the whole intimate physical life that I -thought- I was signing on for.

Twenty-six years into the marriage, and I'm still here, though I experience the loss of sex as a deep grief in my life. Husband is still really good to live with and we still have kids (and pets) at home to raise. We're friends. So we've done everything right, according to your lights.

I'm still at my ideal weight, I'm smart, funny, pretty, witty, successful and generally easy to live with. And I'm menopausal and have come to realize that I will likely never have a lover or an active sex life.

The virgin crack hurt because I know what I'm missing, and don't know what else I can honourably do except live with what I've got.

Gene Weingarten: I'm sorry about your situation, but I think you misread the poll. It was asking about sex that you have, or have had. The only people self-identifying as virgins should have been virgins.

Also, I wasn't sorry for their virginity; I was sorry the poll must have been so boring for them. It just wasn't ABOUT them.

I think many readers of this chat are 21 and under. What's the problem with being a virgin?

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Mount Vernon, Va.: My name has half as many hits as "Higgeldy Piggeldy"

Gene Weingarten: I'll bet if you spelled it right you'd be even MORE depressed.

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Heartfelt Request: If you are going to dribble out a few bits of info about the seduction class, please start by helping us girls and women out the most. In other words, what techniques from the class are being used when the goal of the male is sex that night?

Please.

Gene Weingarten: When the goal of the male is sex THAT NIGHT (this is not the ordinary procedure) he is going to be turning innocent subjects into sexual subjects. If he is good, he is going to be doing it charmingly, with humor, making double entendres but in a way in which he signals he knows you know that he knows that you know that he is being a little naughty. If you play along, this is a good signal you might be available that very night.

Also, wherever he meets you, he is going to try to "move" you to another location. If you meet in one bar, he is going to try to get you to go with him to another, or a restaurant, or something. Isolate you more. This is not as stalkerish as it sounds; he just wants to remove you from distractions, get you in a more one-on-one situation where he can try to get you comfortable with him. It's called the "Comfort Game."

Yeah, I know.

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Let Me Get This Straight: Bumpers are meant to be bumped, but reclining seats are not meant to be reclined?

FWIW, I recline but put my seat back up during meal service.

Gene Weingarten: Lovely. So for most of the flight you discommode the person behind you, except at those points when it is advantageous for YOU to sit straight.

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Alexandria, Va.: OK, just reading the updates, and yeah, I'm done with you. No matter how you try to justify your opinion, you -are- disrespecting marriage without children. I don't disagree with you that having children makes the decision to stay together or divorce more complicated, but one state of matrimony is not any less real than the other. There are so many factors that go into whether a couple has children, and you are totally in the wrong and insufferably smug (as usual, come to think of it) to think that your marriage is more real than anyone else's.

Gene Weingarten: Actually, my marriage is LESS real than it used to be. The kids are raised and gone. I'm now more like the young childless couple. Our job is done. Lower stakes. Once again, divorce becomes possible without severe injury to others but ourselves.

I'm sorry, but this is fun for me. I am stating a very obvious truth, and you marrieds-without-kids are just WANTING to take offense. There is nothing to take offense over.

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Burke, Va.: Gay male and straight sex might fall into the same timing pattern, but lesbian sex in particular is different. BOTH partners in lesbian sex have multi-orgasmic potential, and there's a lot less focus on penetration and (male) orgasm as the "finishing touch" to sex, much more on open-ended "foreplay". Lesbian sex does, therefore, go on a lot longer than heterosex, or presumably gay male sex. (I can only speak from personal experience about sex that involves women, since I am one, but I've slept with both women and men.)

Though duration isn't everything. Sex with my current partner (my husband) is just as gratifying as sex with my ex-girlfriends was - it's simply a matter of love, consideration, and care for the other's pleasure. That stays the same.

Gene Weingarten: I will accept your word on it.

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UPDATED 1.25.08

Gene Weingarten: I want to thank the many, many people who offered a home to Shelly the Cat. We believe we have a perfect match set up. I will report back next week.

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2010 pronunciati, ON: Pronouncing 2010 and Subsequent Years (Wikipedia)

Gene Weingarten: Dang. I guess I wasn't first, eh?

This is a well-reasoned argument. I like it. Also, they agree with me. Or I agree with it. Or whatever. I think they are right on about the influence of the Y2K fiasco on pronunciatio.

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Haymarket, Va.: Do you consider yourself a rebel, as Tom recounted? Are you always, "on"?

Gene Weingarten: Just try me, beeyotch.

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Give me a break:

Phoenix, AZ: Okay, Gene, I've been trying to ignore your thoughts on the subject of women and weight, but your comments in last week's updates really put me over the edge. Here's the question I'd like you to answer: Do you think that being overweight makes a woman unworthy of love?

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People, people. If you don't realize by now that you have your own freaking issues about this, then you need some counseling. In no way shape or form did Gene even go NEAR "unworthy of love." YOU are walking around worried that YOU are unworthy of love and see it or hear it where it does not exist. You are "unworthy of love" waiting to happen.

Just like you OWE it to your spouse to practice good hygiene, you OWE it to your spouse to Put An EFFORT In To REMAINING About The Same Attraction Level as when you married.

For all the pinheads, all add all the (obvious to non-pinheads) caveats that illness is beyond your control. Some child-bearing issues are beyond your control - I've already told my husband he had better lie convincingly when he tells me that my breasts are still going to be beautiful and why yes, stretch marks are sexy badges of courage.

I had the good sense to be curvy with some extra fluff (as I affectionately call it) when we met. It fits my joie de vivre, my hedonist personality that he is so attracted to - think less fluff than Queen Latifah. So it's part of my package. And I plan to keep it at that level because I plan on keeping him chasing after me even when we're both in those walker-thingies.

Gene Weingarten: Thanks, sweetie. But no one is rational on this one. Talking logic and common sense does not work.

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On HRC: Hillary Clint,ON: I'd love to explain what it is about Hillary that I dislike so much, but I can't, no matter how hard I try. ...It's not the basic fact of her gender, it's not some unspoken rule for how female politicians are supposed to act that she breaks, it's not even how she handled the Lewinsky thing. It's just her.

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Sorry to break it to you, but yeah, it is her gender and her being in power that do it to you. You have NO justification for your hatred. Those who try to say it's her calculating grab for power - um, what other politician does that NOT apply to? (sorry for that awkward phrase.) It bothers you because she is a woman who is daring to break out, who won't stay in her place, no matter what you say about being a liberal feminist. That doesn't mean you don't have deep-seated prejudices from having grown up in our culture.

The next woman will have a much easier time. Clinton will have to take one for the team.

Gene Weingarten: I'd like to think you are right, and that this is old fashioned sexism, but I know some Hillary dislikers very, very well. And at least two of them are mid-50s women who, through their talk and actions and how they have lived their lives, are the definition of level-headed, no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners, accept no compromise, feminists.

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Dislike of Hillary: My husband asked me a few days ago why, as a liberal woman, I dislike Hillary and would not vote for her. After thinking for a few minutes I answered that it had to do with how she dealt with Bill after the whole infidelity issue, but not for the normal reasons of being mad he cheated. I understand getting over an infidelity. What I do not understand is how she could stay with him after he lied to her and let her go on national television to talk about the Republican conspiracy against Bill, how the whole thing was a lie. He made such a fool out of her on a national stage, and was so incredibly disrespectful to her. This to me is a much larger betrayal, and the fact that she stayed with him after that is ridiculous to me. He deserves no respect from her.

Gene Weingarten: Indeed. I think this is closer to the visceral reaction.

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Submit to next week's chat.

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